Wow, man, this is really really
nice, thanks for inviting me.
00:00:01.36\00:00:03.87
Well I'm glad that you accepted
the invitation and you came
00:00:03.90\00:00:07.14
down with my mom and you
know I prepared all of this and
00:00:07.17\00:00:11.87
you are probably all
wondering why but...Really, wow!
00:00:11.91\00:00:15.04
I had something special
in mind. Okay. Are you okay?
00:00:15.08\00:00:21.82
Oh my goodness, listen you
'all, mamma raised me right
00:00:21.85\00:00:26.89
and he better not try
anything cause I'm prepared.
00:00:26.92\00:00:29.19
I got my mace. Ha ha ha.
Okay, so um, are you okay?
00:00:29.22\00:00:36.16
Are you sick? Yes, I'm actually
fine, I'm trying to figure out
00:00:36.20\00:00:41.50
the best to ask
you how to marry me.
00:00:41.54\00:00:44.31
To marry you?
[Shaking his head yes.]
00:00:44.34\00:00:46.34
You'll, this man hasn't
even told me that he loves me
00:00:46.37\00:00:51.81
and he's asking me to marry him.
00:00:51.85\00:00:53.25
This is strange. So
you want me to marry you?
00:00:53.28\00:00:58.82
Yes! Okay...Ah...Wow...
Um... Well...Yeah, you know...
00:00:58.85\00:01:07.86
Huh, excuse me, I got
to use the bathroom okay?
00:01:07.90\00:01:10.40
I'll be right back, I'm
sorry, be right back. But...
00:01:10.43\00:01:13.77
Hello friends, I'm Steven Conway
and this is my lovely wife
00:01:40.23\00:01:44.93
Tamara. Hey guys. And
welcome to When We Talk.
00:01:44.97\00:01:49.40
After 22 years of
marriage we have discovered that
00:01:49.44\00:01:54.84
when we talk we are in process.
Oh yes. When we talk we laugh.
00:01:54.88\00:02:02.08
[Laughing.] When we
talk we heal. Yes, yes.
00:02:02.12\00:02:06.62
And when we talk we
grow. Absolutely. Yeah.
00:02:06.65\00:02:09.89
And so, we are excited
that you could join us...Yeah.
00:02:09.92\00:02:14.46
On this journey, it's almost
as we are bringing you into
00:02:14.50\00:02:19.17
into the experiences that we
have when we talk and we hope
00:02:19.20\00:02:22.94
by the grace of God that
you will continue talking
00:02:22.97\00:02:25.97
after we have. Yeah. Now
Tamara, what did they just see?
00:02:26.01\00:02:31.98
[laughing]. So listen guys,
that was a real-life enactment
00:02:32.01\00:02:38.45
or proposal and I must say
if you felt like it was a little
00:02:38.49\00:02:43.63
strange it's cause it was.
[laughing] November 11th, 2000,
00:02:43.66\00:02:50.43
Two thousand, can you believe
it? Down in the hills of east
00:02:50.47\00:02:53.44
Tennessee...Yes...It was a
beautiful evening...It was...
00:02:53.47\00:02:58.07
You were quite afraid as we
were driving through the dark
00:02:58.11\00:03:01.01
like where's he taking
me? Yes, because listen...
00:03:01.04\00:03:03.11
I'm from a big city,
right? Ohio and Cleveland,
00:03:03.14\00:03:06.08
and there are streetlights
in the hills of Tennessee
00:03:06.11\00:03:09.38
there was no street lights,
people don't lock their doors,
00:03:09.42\00:03:11.35
and I'm like, Oh my goodness,
this is going to be interesting
00:03:11.39\00:03:13.92
okay? So I didn't know
what was going on when you were
00:03:13.96\00:03:16.12
driving me through the
mountains and taking me to that
00:03:16.16\00:03:18.16
beautiful cabin...was gorgeous.
But this was a unique proposal.
00:03:18.19\00:03:22.60
Yeah. What was...what
was so unique about it?
00:03:22.63\00:03:25.77
Well, first of all, I had
no idea which...You know, maybe
00:03:25.80\00:03:30.54
most women don't know that they
are going to be proposed to.
00:03:30.57\00:03:33.78
Maybe you may have a little
hint, but I'm going to tell you
00:03:33.81\00:03:36.18
I no clue at all whatsoever
this man was going to ask me
00:03:36.21\00:03:39.11
to marry him. Um hum. Because
you didn't even display any
00:03:39.15\00:03:41.72
type of...I don't
know. Like we never dated.
00:03:41.75\00:03:45.69
That's just the
truth guys. We didn't date.
00:03:45.72\00:03:48.12
Yeah, and that's not
prescriptive, we're not saying
00:03:48.16\00:03:50.53
that this is what you
need to do. Yeah. This is just
00:03:50.56\00:03:53.33
us sharing what our
experience has been with you
00:03:53.36\00:03:57.13
and because we didn't do
things in a traditional way
00:03:57.17\00:04:00.90
leading up to that
marriage proposal...
00:04:00.94\00:04:03.54
That night you mentioned it in
the skit...There was something
00:04:03.57\00:04:07.31
that was missing
something else that was missing.
00:04:07.34\00:04:09.78
Yes. There was this looming
thing. We're talking about words
00:04:09.81\00:04:13.15
right? This episode
is about how words matter
00:04:13.18\00:04:17.19
but there was one word
that was never used between us
00:04:17.22\00:04:20.86
in any of our conversations
and that word was LOVE
00:04:20.89\00:04:23.16
LOVE! Um! Never said it.
Never said it. Not one time.
00:04:23.19\00:04:28.03
Not even once. And then
he asked me to marry him.
00:04:28.06\00:04:30.30
And I asked you to
marry. Okay. Yeah, but, you know
00:04:30.33\00:04:33.64
for me and my perspective
I had come from quite frankly
00:04:33.67\00:04:40.61
using the word in the
wrong ways, in manipulative ways
00:04:40.64\00:04:46.05
I had told other young
ladies I loved them only because
00:04:46.08\00:04:50.39
I wanted something from them.
Um. And I think maybe there's
00:04:50.42\00:04:55.49
a lot of men who can resonate
with saying that they feel
00:04:55.52\00:05:00.80
a certain way only because
get to a variety of different
00:05:00.83\00:05:05.53
places in a relationship.
Now, I want to say I commend you
00:05:05.57\00:05:09.60
as a man for bringing it
and laying it on the table
00:05:09.64\00:05:11.97
right...which is...Ladies
there are some men who will day
00:05:12.01\00:05:16.34
things to you in order
to get something from you.
00:05:16.38\00:05:19.95
Alright! I think this is a
really big or an important part
00:05:19.98\00:05:24.75
to talk about this. And have
a real conversation about it
00:05:24.79\00:05:26.96
right? [shakes his head yes]
So you're saying that there are
00:05:26.99\00:05:29.86
times when men, and I guess
women can do this too right?
00:05:29.89\00:05:32.96
When people can say things
to you that they know have
00:05:32.99\00:05:36.67
power, cause words have power.
Words have weight and that word
00:05:36.70\00:05:39.90
love is a powerful thing to
say to someone...Um hum. Right?
00:05:39.93\00:05:43.04
Yeah and one of the reasons
it's so powerful is because
00:05:43.07\00:05:46.37
of all of the ideas and dreams
and what's, what not that we
00:05:46.41\00:05:51.45
have attached to it. You
had some things attached to uh
00:05:51.48\00:05:55.48
the word I love you
or the words I love you.
00:05:55.52\00:05:59.05
I absolutely had a lot
of things attached so as you
00:05:59.09\00:06:02.36
mentioned, neither one of
us came into our relationship
00:06:02.39\00:06:05.09
being virgins. We had had
relationships prior coming to
00:06:05.13\00:06:08.20
the Lord, and even after
coming to the Lord, we had had
00:06:08.23\00:06:11.33
relationships and so at
that stage of my life I had made
00:06:11.37\00:06:17.24
a determination that I wasn't
just going to date, right?
00:06:17.27\00:06:19.31
But I will say when you
had expressed to me that you
00:06:19.34\00:06:23.65
wanted to marry me, I was
looking for the word love.
00:06:23.68\00:06:25.88
Now if I am honest with myself,
I had some very unhealthy
00:06:25.91\00:06:30.69
attachments to that
word because of my background
00:06:30.72\00:06:33.92
where I come from, I
witnessed people being abused
00:06:33.96\00:06:36.83
while the person's
saying they love them...
00:06:36.86\00:06:38.96
I had also been in relationships
where they say they love you
00:06:38.99\00:06:43.10
but put you in situations
where you have to compromise
00:06:43.13\00:06:46.10
so I have to admit even as
a Christian young woman who
00:06:46.13\00:06:50.71
loved God, I also still carried
some very unhealthy expectations
00:06:50.74\00:06:55.84
about what people will
say to you, what will happen
00:06:55.88\00:06:59.35
if someone says
that they love you.
00:06:59.38\00:07:01.18
Hmm. One of the things that
some of our friends might find
00:07:01.22\00:07:05.25
interesting is that we are
having a conversation about the
00:07:05.29\00:07:09.39
power of the words I love you
right at the marriage proposal.
00:07:09.42\00:07:15.26
Yes! Not before the
marriage proposal. Yeah.
00:07:15.30\00:07:18.17
Some people are like well
that should have happened before
00:07:18.20\00:07:20.00
and some people may say to
themselves, well, I wish we had
00:07:20.04\00:07:23.84
had that conversation at all,
even to this day but right there
00:07:23.87\00:07:27.84
we were talking...Yeah...And
it's not as though we hadn't
00:07:27.88\00:07:31.58
talked before, certainly
we had but we were talking
00:07:31.61\00:07:34.62
on a heart level which
is kind of a different level
00:07:34.65\00:07:37.55
where you were expressing
and explaining some of what your
00:07:37.59\00:07:42.12
dreams, hopes, and
aspirations were. And as for me,
00:07:42.16\00:07:45.49
I was coming from
the perspective of my
00:07:45.53\00:07:48.50
transformation. In fact, what
did I say to you when you said
00:07:49.20\00:07:52.53
you've never told
me that you love me?
00:07:52.57\00:07:55.00
Yeah, one of the things that
you said...Well first there were
00:07:55.04\00:07:58.01
a couple of things...One thing
was that you expressed to me
00:07:58.04\00:08:00.58
that about the desire that love
is more than just an emotion.
00:08:00.61\00:08:05.65
Right, and I was with you and
I'm like mmm...No you weren't...
00:08:05.68\00:08:09.75
I wasn't, I wasn't. You were
still in the whole in love...
00:08:09.78\00:08:11.75
Love is a principle and I
was just like yeah, yeah, but
00:08:11.79\00:08:16.66
you know, I wasn't really into
that. But you began to continue
00:08:16.69\00:08:19.96
to talk to me and you
had shared with me about how
00:08:20.00\00:08:21.90
you had used the word in
past times, right, with other
00:08:21.93\00:08:25.07
relationships in a way that
was not respectful or caring
00:08:25.10\00:08:28.04
and you wanted to be
careful with that word when it
00:08:28.07\00:08:32.07
came to me. But this
was the beautiful part,
00:08:32.11\00:08:33.98
the beautiful part you
said to me as far as I know what
00:08:34.01\00:08:37.88
love is, I
believe that I love you.
00:08:37.91\00:08:39.95
Hmm. And it was, I was
verklempt when you said that.
00:08:39.98\00:08:45.99
But it made me think, I
had to really sit and process
00:08:46.02\00:08:48.42
for a minute and I didn't
answer you right away, did I?
00:08:48.46\00:08:50.76
I didn't say yes right away,
we began this long conversation
00:08:50.79\00:08:54.00
about not just love but
about relationship and in this
00:08:54.03\00:08:58.77
journey that we were going
to be on, but I must say this
00:08:58.80\00:09:02.94
though. That night I
eventually say yes. Yes!
00:09:02.97\00:09:06.61
That's why we're here
today. Tadah! Still talking...
00:09:06.64\00:09:09.91
We're here and um, but what was
so beautiful to me about that
00:09:09.94\00:09:15.02
was I had no feelings of
pressure, no feelings of shame
00:09:15.05\00:09:21.12
or guilt. It was one of the
easiest decisions and one of the
00:09:21.16\00:09:24.36
most awkward situation
that I've ever made in my life.
00:09:24.39\00:09:28.36
In times past when I've
had relationships as we just
00:09:28.40\00:09:31.70
shared with you, neither
one of us, this wasn't our first
00:09:31.73\00:09:33.44
rodeo right? Unfortunately
and I remember being in
00:09:33.47\00:09:36.91
relationships with
people and feeling guilty. Hmm!
00:09:36.94\00:09:40.08
Knowing that we had said things
or done things before its time
00:09:40.11\00:09:44.25
and just while in the relation-
ship still carrying a weight...
00:09:44.28\00:09:49.02
I guess you could
call it a weight of sin,
00:09:49.05\00:09:50.75
a weight of brokenness and shame
knowing that we had done things
00:09:50.79\00:09:54.99
that were not warranted.
But this was different,
00:09:55.02\00:09:59.56
this was a situation
where we, we left that moment...
00:09:59.59\00:10:02.93
I was so light you know, and
I also didn't realize that he
00:10:02.96\00:10:07.54
actually did speak to
my parents, he called and
00:10:07.57\00:10:10.11
talked to my mom and my dad
which was very unconventional
00:10:10.14\00:10:14.18
these days. And my parents...
I remember before we left
00:10:14.21\00:10:19.38
to come to Tennessee me and
your mom...I remember my parents
00:10:19.41\00:10:23.12
having prayer with me...
Now this was strange, because
00:10:23.15\00:10:25.65
these people, I'm like
what is wrong with this man and
00:10:25.69\00:10:27.46
his woman, it's like
okay let's get on our knees
00:10:27.49\00:10:29.02
let's pray, life is going
to be different, I'm like jus
00:10:29.06\00:10:31.96
going on a trip to Tennessee
but it's because you called
00:10:31.99\00:10:35.96
my mom and my dad and
you asked their permission
00:10:36.00\00:10:38.50
and that was
powerful. That invited them into
00:10:38.53\00:10:42.24
this relationship with
us and they felt respected,
00:10:42.27\00:10:47.34
they felt that you
had honored them you know.
00:10:47.38\00:10:50.68
Yeah, II Corinthians
chapter 5 verse 17 says,
00:10:50.71\00:11:02.46
So I didn't want to use I love
you, I love you, I love you,
00:11:02.49\00:11:08.26
the way I had in my past life
because I'm walking and living
00:11:08.30\00:11:14.30
in this new life and
because I'm in this new life
00:11:14.34\00:11:17.74
I want to use new language
or I want new meaning to be
00:11:17.77\00:11:22.11
attached to sometimes the
same things that we said before
00:11:22.14\00:11:26.35
but there's a new type of
meaning and I want to approach
00:11:26.38\00:11:28.95
everything different, right?
00:11:28.98\00:11:31.45
So this is the reason why
I approached your parents,
00:11:31.49\00:11:34.56
it's the reason why in our
relationship I approached you
00:11:34.59\00:11:38.89
the way that I did and
you had a similar perspective
00:11:38.93\00:11:44.17
as you've explained just wanted
to do things quite differently.
00:11:44.20\00:11:48.00
Yeah, and I was brought face
to face with some cultural norms
00:11:48.04\00:11:52.67
right, and when I say cultural
norms I'm talking about...
00:11:52.71\00:11:55.01
And I'm sure this happens
in other cultures as well but
00:11:55.04\00:11:57.55
in North America, as little
girls we are inundated with
00:11:57.58\00:12:00.68
the movies, right? And how a
man comes along and sweeps you
00:12:00.72\00:12:05.52
off your feet and
romanticizes things...
00:12:05.55\00:12:08.39
Now I am not saying
there's anything wrong in the
00:12:08.42\00:12:09.76
day and age we live in you
guys are really living it up
00:12:09.79\00:12:11.96
on Instagram and doing
this really big thing with
00:12:11.99\00:12:14.00
engagements right? Yeah, yeah,
but don't just live it up on
00:12:14.03\00:12:16.63
Instagram. Right! [laughing]
Make sure that that's that it's
00:12:16.67\00:12:21.00
reality...Yes! And the picture
looks just like reality, not...
00:12:21.04\00:12:24.21
Absolutely, but you know
you come face to face with these
00:12:24.24\00:12:28.74
things right, and I
have to be honest with myself
00:12:28.78\00:12:31.85
it was uncomfortable in a sense,
it wasn't what I had dreamed
00:12:31.88\00:12:35.02
about right? But I
remember the Lord speaking to me
00:12:35.05\00:12:39.25
and talking to me when I
got up and went to the bathroom.
00:12:39.29\00:12:42.56
[laughing] Having conversations
in the mirror, you know,
00:12:42.59\00:12:47.13
And the Lord was telling me
about myself like Tamara, listen
00:12:47.16\00:12:50.47
this is not what you thought
it would be or it's not like the
00:12:50.50\00:12:54.57
movies but life isn't a movie.
This is reality and I want you
00:12:54.60\00:12:59.14
to consider and think
about what's most important
00:12:59.17\00:13:02.18
in this process? This
young man respects you,
00:13:02.21\00:13:05.21
this young man has never
caused you to compromise,
00:13:05.25\00:13:07.52
he's never put you in a
situation where you felt like
00:13:07.55\00:13:09.05
you had to compromise.
He respects your family
00:13:09.08\00:13:12.29
and it was just all of
these things that I had to allow
00:13:12.32\00:13:16.29
fill that space where there were
other unhealthy things, right?
00:13:16.32\00:13:19.69
The imagination and how it
can run wild and the...even as a
00:13:19.73\00:13:23.83
Christian young woman...Listen
even as a Christian young woman
00:13:23.87\00:13:27.20
still having some unhealthy
ways of looking at life...
00:13:27.24\00:13:32.34
I had to surrender
that in that bathroom.
00:13:32.37\00:13:34.41
[laughing] It's God, to
give it to Him and say okay Lord
00:13:34.44\00:13:38.21
I take it what you give for
me and actually, I had prayed
00:13:38.25\00:13:42.28
for it. This is the thing,
the very thing I had prayed for
00:13:42.32\00:13:45.49
there, you were
right there. Come on now.
00:13:45.52\00:13:48.29
So I was an answer to your
prayers. You were an answer
00:13:48.32\00:13:50.59
to prayer. Look at
God. Won't he do it?
00:13:50.63\00:13:52.63
Yes, and the Lord is still
answering prayer. Yes, he is.
00:13:52.66\00:13:55.90
You know another
passage of scripture that I find
00:13:55.93\00:14:00.27
interesting is in Matthew
chapter 12 and verse 34 at the
00:14:00.30\00:14:04.27
end of the verse Jesus says,
00:14:04.31\00:14:09.81
Yes! So back to this, I'm a
new creature in Christ Jesus
00:14:09.84\00:14:14.12
and I'm not wanting to mislead,
misrepresent, or any such thing
00:14:14.15\00:14:22.09
with my words. I want my
words to really and truly be a
00:14:22.12\00:14:25.33
reflection of that which
is in my heart which is a part
00:14:25.36\00:14:28.40
of the reason why it took so
long...It took until that night
00:14:28.43\00:14:31.87
when I was proposing to you to
actually, say yes I do love you.
00:14:31.90\00:14:37.01
And I'm still on the process,
in the process of learning how
00:14:37.04\00:14:43.08
to love you and
learning how to care for you
00:14:43.11\00:14:44.91
and provide for you in a
way that is relevant to you
00:14:44.95\00:14:48.82
but I think there is
kind of a misunderstanding.
00:14:48.85\00:14:50.19
as we were talking about
but then there are times when
00:14:50.82\00:15:03.23
we may be angry or we may be
frustrated and we say something
00:15:06.33\00:15:09.30
and it's like that old saying
goes. If you want to know what
00:15:09.34\00:15:13.41
the person really thinks about
you, listen to them when they
00:15:13.44\00:15:17.11
are angry because when
they are angry that's when
00:15:17.15\00:15:19.88
they're honest and that's when
they're telling you the truth.
00:15:19.91\00:15:22.35
So what will we say about that?
00:15:22.38\00:15:23.89
So, I love this talk we
are having cause when we talk
00:15:23.92\00:15:27.36
this is what we do right?
00:15:27.39\00:15:28.72
Um, there is a thought process
where anger is actually a
00:15:28.76\00:15:34.56
secondary emotion. What
do you mean when you say
00:15:34.60\00:15:37.20
a secondary emotion? Alright,
So I don't know, maybe you guys
00:15:37.23\00:15:39.50
have seen these illustrations
given of an iceberg, right?
00:15:39.53\00:15:43.71
Um hum. Icebergs, they are
you know, they are very large
00:15:43.74\00:15:47.68
right, but when they are
above the surface of the water
00:15:47.71\00:15:50.08
you can't see the
completeness of that iceberg,
00:15:50.11\00:15:52.85
you can only see the tip of
it. Okay? So when we are talking
00:15:52.88\00:15:55.95
about anger, that is
what we are talking about,
00:15:55.98\00:15:58.09
anger is what you can see right?
00:15:58.12\00:15:59.99
Anger is palpable, you can...
you can...I mean listen...
00:16:00.02\00:16:02.72
The world we live in people
are actually rewarded for this
00:16:02.76\00:16:06.09
right? That's why social media
is such a large looming impact
00:16:06.13\00:16:11.03
on our society. People get
paid to display anger right?
00:16:11.07\00:16:15.37
So, you can see it, it is
visible but normally though
00:16:15.40\00:16:19.51
there are other things
under- neath, that iceberg is
00:16:19.54\00:16:22.54
much larger underneath it,
it has tentacles you can say
00:16:22.58\00:16:26.18
where there are other
things that are there.
00:16:26.21\00:16:28.25
Things like let's say
rejection. Um hum. Right?
00:16:28.28\00:16:30.92
So, if I feel rejected... most
people don't come to me and say
00:16:30.95\00:16:34.72
excuse me, I'm very angry today
cause you rejected my proposal
00:16:34.76\00:16:38.19
at work. Who does that?
Right? Most people don't, right?
00:16:38.23\00:16:41.30
Most people just go
straight for the anger,
00:16:41.33\00:16:44.03
they will be frustrated,
they will slam doors and slam
00:16:44.07\00:16:47.54
dishes and...I think another
way to illustrate that is
00:16:47.57\00:16:51.34
the baby. Ahh yeah. When an
infant is hungry, what does the
00:16:51.37\00:16:57.31
infant do? They cry. When the
infant has wet or soiled their
00:16:57.35\00:17:01.92
diaper what does
the infant do? They cry.
00:17:01.95\00:17:04.22
When an infant wants to
be picked up what do they do?
00:17:04.25\00:17:07.19
They cry. When an infant
is frustrated what do they do?
00:17:07.22\00:17:13.26
Listen! Infants cry,
cry, cry. That what they do.
00:17:13.29\00:17:16.87
It is the language that
articulates for an array of
00:17:16.90\00:17:22.67
different emotions that
this infant is having because
00:17:22.70\00:17:26.07
they simply don't
have another language. Yes.
00:17:26.11\00:17:29.01
And anger becomes that for us.
Yes. It just becomes you know
00:17:29.04\00:17:33.31
when we are tired we are angry.
Um hum. When we are frustrated
00:17:33.35\00:17:37.49
when we are hurt when we
are afraid anger comes out.
00:17:37.52\00:17:41.62
Now listen, we don't like
that, or don't let me say we,
00:17:41.66\00:17:44.46
I don't. I've had to grow a
lot because I wasn't raised in a
00:17:44.49\00:17:49.10
home where people asked me
how I felt. Um. You understand
00:17:49.13\00:17:53.84
people didn't actually come
to me and say, Tamara, you know
00:17:53.87\00:17:56.67
how are you feeling or why
are you feeling or why are you
00:17:56.71\00:17:58.27
crying, or you know you
just experienced something
00:17:58.31\00:18:01.14
catastrophic or traumatizing.
How are you feeling?
00:18:01.18\00:18:04.98
And so therefore I didn't really
have a vocabulary. Um hum.
00:18:05.01\00:18:09.98
We're going to talk about this
in another episode so don't get
00:18:10.02\00:18:13.69
too caught on that
but it's important okay?
00:18:13.72\00:18:15.62
But so I didn't have that
so generally, I ended up...
00:18:15.66\00:18:18.69
I didn't have that so generally
I learned how to suppress
00:18:18.73\00:18:21.73
you know and hold things
down. But most importantly
00:18:21.76\00:18:24.67
like you talked about before
the fear about being vulnerable.
00:18:24.70\00:18:27.70
Talk...Now for me...Listen...
Especially for me, I would
00:18:27.74\00:18:31.47
imagine right? Yes. Being
venerable our emotional feelings
00:18:31.51\00:18:34.24
are huge. Yeah, well let me just
give you some perspective as to
00:18:34.28\00:18:38.41
what it means to be a
man. Laughter and clapping!
00:18:38.45\00:18:40.62
You're learning how to rice
your bicycle as a little boy
00:18:40.65\00:18:44.35
and you fall and
inevitably scrape your knee.
00:18:44.39\00:18:49.39
Oh, man! And you are then
coddled... no you are not.
00:18:49.42\00:18:52.93
Stop crying! you can
take it, it will be alright.
00:18:52.96\00:18:56.06
Suck it up buttercup.
Your kneecap is hanging down
00:18:56.10\00:18:58.77
to the white meat
and you know, toughen up.
00:18:58.80\00:19:01.44
The white meat. Laughter. The
white meat and you can take it
00:19:01.47\00:19:04.74
it will be okay. Right,
whether you are playing football
00:19:04.77\00:19:08.54
or doing some other
type of activity...Yeah...
00:19:08.58\00:19:10.81
When you get hurt and you are
a little boy you're growing up
00:19:10.85\00:19:13.72
and you are told
stop crying, don't cry.
00:19:13.75\00:19:17.65
When you are afraid, you are
anxious, and you are physically
00:19:17.69\00:19:23.79
in pain and people are
telling you STOP! Right.
00:19:23.83\00:19:28.10
And so, talking about how
we don't have a vocabulary
00:19:28.13\00:19:31.97
this is one of the ways
that our vocabulary is stunted,
00:19:32.00\00:19:36.57
the baroque of our vocabulary
is stunted so that we can't
00:19:36.60\00:19:39.74
actually, learn how to
articulate or when your parents
00:19:39.77\00:19:44.51
are disciplining you, maybe
you done something wrong and you
00:19:44.55\00:19:48.98
know like most parents want
us to tell what it is that we've
00:19:49.02\00:19:53.42
done and they give us
the opportunity...Here we go.
00:19:53.46\00:19:56.29
So what did you do? And you
are like, I, I, I, and you take
00:19:56.32\00:19:59.06
a little bit too long and
then when you start to talk...
00:19:59.09\00:20:01.70
Be quiet, and it's
like Oh my goodness.
00:20:01.73\00:20:04.60
What in the world? So you don't
even get an opportunity again
00:20:04.63\00:20:08.14
to express. Or you learn
that people don't really want to
00:20:08.17\00:20:14.94
hear what I have to say. That's
what you believe and you know
00:20:14.98\00:20:18.75
um...Honestly, we
teach our children to lie.
00:20:18.78\00:20:21.65
Umm. We're going to talk about
this in some later episodes
00:20:21.68\00:20:25.99
okay, When We Talk. When We
Talk. But we do, we teach our
00:20:26.02\00:20:29.09
children to lie and I reflect on
that myself in raising children
00:20:29.12\00:20:33.60
cause we have, we have children
and it is...Oh my goodness...
00:20:33.63\00:20:37.53
I'm learning so much
about myself in the process,
00:20:37.57\00:20:42.14
some of the unhealthy ways in
which I carried from how I was
00:20:42.17\00:20:46.34
raised and how they were raised
and trying to develop that
00:20:46.37\00:20:51.61
freedom. I remember that
our son Gabriel not too long ago
00:20:51.65\00:20:56.18
he was having a distressed
moment and he watches what
00:20:56.22\00:21:01.96
I do because I am a
mental health coach and a
00:21:01.99\00:21:04.99
Grief Recovery Counselor
so he's present sometimes when
00:21:05.03\00:21:06.93
I'm doing sessions with
people and listening. Listening.
00:21:06.96\00:21:10.93
He's listening, you
know children listen.
00:21:10.97\00:21:12.30
And he...I keep these emotion
wheels that I use to help
00:21:12.33\00:21:17.24
people...who don't have
that vocabulary and I left one
00:21:17.27\00:21:22.28
laying around one
day...didn't even pay attention
00:21:22.31\00:21:25.05
and my son, I was asking
him like you know what's wrong?
00:21:25.08\00:21:28.68
You look like
something is wrong and he's like
00:21:28.72\00:21:30.45
you know, nothing. You
know people say that nothing
00:21:30.49\00:21:33.52
but you know something is
wrong, your face gives it away.
00:21:33.56\00:21:35.76
How you are moving about in life
is a way something is wrong.
00:21:35.79\00:21:39.46
He wouldn't talk to me, right?
So I just kind of left it alone
00:21:39.49\00:21:44.00
but eventually, he came
back to me and he said Mom...
00:21:44.03\00:21:47.37
and I was like, yeah
sweetheart... he came and he
00:21:47.40\00:21:49.44
put this paper on the table and
I saw the paper and opened it
00:21:49.47\00:21:52.27
and it was one of the emotion
wheels and what he did was
00:21:52.31\00:21:55.31
he actually took
dots and marked off...
00:21:55.34\00:21:58.51
he's like these are the
things that I was feeling.
00:21:58.55\00:22:00.72
And listen, at that moment I
want to tell you, it was such
00:22:00.75\00:22:04.49
a miraculous thing for
me. For one, I praise God
00:22:04.52\00:22:07.92
for an opportunity to
break a generational cycle.
00:22:07.96\00:22:11.56
When you say
generational cycle you mean?
00:22:11.59\00:22:15.50
It was things that
were continuously running
00:22:15.53\00:22:18.37
throughout my family. My parents
didn't have the tools that
00:22:18.40\00:22:21.50
we have, their parents didn't
have that, they grew up in a
00:22:21.54\00:22:24.54
time and in an era where
people didn't have conversations
00:22:24.57\00:22:27.61
and transparency and honesty
and they didn't even know how.
00:22:27.64\00:22:31.31
Right. People can only do
what they know to do. Um hum.
00:22:31.35\00:22:34.95
And so but at that moment when
he did that it was literally...
00:22:34.98\00:22:37.92
The Lord was like just listen,
this is an opportunity, talk
00:22:37.95\00:22:40.26
to your son. Yeah, and what
was also profound about that
00:22:40.29\00:22:43.83
is a skill and a tool that
helps with those who have been
00:22:43.86\00:22:49.70
suppressing our emotions
or we're completely illiterate
00:22:49.73\00:22:53.90
in terms of an
emotional vocabulary...Yes...
00:22:53.94\00:22:57.21
You remember what that
word is? Self-awareness
00:22:57.24\00:23:01.94
that's our word for the
day y'all. Self-awareness.
00:23:01.98\00:23:04.38
That's the word...Yeah,
yeah... And it's amazing because
00:23:04.41\00:23:07.25
the story you shared with
our son Gabriel, it demonstrates
00:23:07.28\00:23:12.49
that self-awareness is
something that can be modeled
00:23:12.52\00:23:16.96
and it's something
that can be experienced.
00:23:16.99\00:23:18.96
Yeah. Even at a young
age. Yeah. And when we say
00:23:18.99\00:23:22.66
self-awareness what we are
referring to is our ability
00:23:22.70\00:23:25.83
to be able to identify
and articulate our emotions
00:23:25.87\00:23:31.37
and what they are. It's one
of the most important things
00:23:31.41\00:23:34.51
one of the most important
elements in emotionally healthy
00:23:34.54\00:23:38.55
individual and if we
want to be able to communicate
00:23:38.58\00:23:42.62
and share with others what we
are experiencing and what we are
00:23:42.65\00:23:46.72
feeling, well then it makes
all the sense in the world that
00:23:46.76\00:23:49.09
we should be able to identify
and articulate...we should be
00:23:49.12\00:23:52.23
able to attach words
because words have power, right?
00:23:52.26\00:23:55.20
Yes. We should be able to attach
words to what our feelings are.
00:23:55.23\00:23:59.33
Yeah, you know when we talk its
important that in that process
00:23:59.37\00:24:04.31
that we have a foundation.
Right. And this emotion will
00:24:04.34\00:24:11.75
who knew there were so
many ways a person could feel.
00:24:11.78\00:24:14.62
There are so many ways
you can express happiness.
00:24:14.65\00:24:17.19
There is so many ways to
express frustration or anger,
00:24:17.22\00:24:20.76
or even sadness, right? I
think that we want to make sure
00:24:20.79\00:24:25.86
that we are doing our
very best in our homes and
00:24:25.89\00:24:30.63
I don't know about you
guys, but we are trying to be
00:24:30.67\00:24:32.13
generational curse breakers
over here and we're not perfect
00:24:32.17\00:24:35.77
if my children were here,
they would tell you we're not
00:24:35.80\00:24:38.37
perfect. Um hum. But we are
trying and we just wanted to be
00:24:38.41\00:24:41.71
able to come here and encourage
you guys that talking is
00:24:41.74\00:24:45.48
valuable. When you talk, that is
when you are able to mature and
00:24:45.51\00:24:49.38
grow and it is hard. It is
one of the most difficult things
00:24:49.42\00:24:52.55
that you will do if you haven't
had the opportunity and you
00:24:52.59\00:24:56.32
haven't had the
upbringing or the examples.
00:24:56.36\00:24:59.49
But listen, Jesus is our
example, He will guide us
00:24:59.53\00:25:03.53
through this
process and so I value that.
00:25:03.57\00:25:06.43
Yeah, and this is
important as well.
00:25:06.47\00:25:09.54
When we talk, we can talk with
our spouse of course...Yeah.
00:25:09.57\00:25:14.88
As we share some of our marriage
experiences but we can also
00:25:14.91\00:25:18.75
talk with our children, we can
talk with our siblings...Yes.
00:25:18.78\00:25:23.42
We can talk with our parents,
our neighbors, our neighbors,
00:25:23.45\00:25:27.46
our co-workers, our co-workers,
our relationships require...
00:25:27.49\00:25:29.92
Church members, Choir,
friends, so forth and so on.
00:25:29.96\00:25:32.83
All relationships
require it. Yes, yes, yes.
00:25:32.86\00:25:35.00
Talking and being able to share
and divulge what is going on
00:25:35.03\00:25:39.83
in our hearts and in our
minds is a profound part of any
00:25:39.87\00:25:43.61
healthy relationship.
Yes. So listen guys,
00:25:43.64\00:25:46.24
this is what we do when
we talk, we are inviting you
00:25:46.27\00:25:49.11
to come and sit down and
have some real conversations
00:25:49.14\00:25:52.31
vulnerable conversations.
We are throwing ourselves
00:25:52.35\00:25:54.58
under the bus so we want
to make sure you tune in every
00:25:54.62\00:25:57.72
single time we come to
this table and we talk.
00:25:57.75\00:26:01.29
Now you can watch episodes
of When we Talk with Steve and
00:26:01.32\00:26:06.43
Tammy Conway any time at 3ABN-
Plus.tv or on our 3ABNPlus app
00:26:06.46\00:26:14.57
or smartphones and tablets.
Discover the keys to healthier
00:26:14.60\00:26:18.67
family relationships
and better communication.
00:26:18.71\00:26:21.34
Just visit 3ABNPlus.TV
and search for When we Talk.
00:26:21.38\00:26:26.98
Put your feet on the path to
relationships like God intended
00:26:27.02\00:26:30.32
them to be. Friends, if you're
like me being vulnerable in
00:26:30.35\00:26:35.86
expressing and exposing what's
in my heart can often be a
00:26:35.89\00:26:39.93
challenging thing. Sometimes
I want a positive response
00:26:39.96\00:26:43.80
but what comes out of my
mouth is not really positive.
00:26:43.83\00:26:47.47
Psalm 129:23,24 suggest
this. Search me O God, try me
00:26:47.50\00:26:56.41
and know my thoughts.
Now when I used to read that
00:26:56.44\00:26:59.25
passage I would say
but God is Omniscient,
00:26:59.28\00:27:01.58
He knows everything. Why would
he need to search my heart?
00:27:01.62\00:27:05.45
The truth of the matter friends
is that the search is not for
00:27:05.49\00:27:09.42
the benefit of God, but
it is for the benefit of us.
00:27:09.46\00:27:12.83
If you've ever been to a museum
it's possible to walk through
00:27:12.86\00:27:17.10
the museum and see all of
the exhibits and you can leave
00:27:17.13\00:27:20.24
in an hour and a half with
a great experience and you can
00:27:20.27\00:27:23.10
say Wow!, I saw a lot of nice
things but...you can also go
00:27:23.14\00:27:27.38
to the museum and you
can find a Tour Guide.
00:27:27.41\00:27:30.18
And the Tour Guide does
more than just show you what's
00:27:30.21\00:27:34.45
in the museum, the Tour Guide
actually explains what it is
00:27:34.48\00:27:38.75
you are seeing, the history
behind each one of the pieces
00:27:38.79\00:27:42.82
of art and I believe that Jesus
does just this with you and I
00:27:42.86\00:27:48.80
and He does it, not in a
museum but in our hearts.
00:27:48.83\00:27:53.07
He helps us to understand
ourselves our experiences
00:27:53.10\00:27:58.51
and our emotions. I invite you
today to allow Jesus to be the
00:27:58.54\00:28:06.51
Tour Guide as He takes you
room by room through your hear
00:28:06.55\00:28:11.72
helping you to see
what is there, why?
00:28:11.75\00:28:15.16
Hopefully when He shows you
you can do what each and every
00:28:15.19\00:28:19.63
one of us is invited
to do surrender it to Him.
00:28:19.66\00:28:23.53
Friends, catch you
next time on When we Talk
00:28:23.57\00:28:27.77
because when we talk we Heal.
00:28:27.80\00:28:30.47