Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Don Mackintosh (Host), Mike McKinnon, Shirley Garner, Cecila Hudson
Series Code: UC
Program Code: UC000413
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00:25 Hello and welcome to another edition of Up Close.
00:28 I am Don McIntosh. 00:29 And I am Shelley Quinn. 00:31 And we are coming to you from the Three Angels Seventh-day 00:33 Adventist Church in Wichita, Kansas. 00:34 We are happy to have a live audience joining us today, 00:37 and we are glad that you are joining us too. 00:40 Today's program will focus on a hidden problem 00:42 that is becoming more widespread among all age groups 00:46 in our fast paced society. 00:48 That problem is a feeling of isolation that we commonly call 00:53 loneliness. 00:54 A condition that is not necessarily caused 00:57 from being alone. 00:59 At some point each of us will likely experience a 01:02 temporary sensation of loneliness during our lifetime. 01:05 But in today's environment of endless opportunities for 01:09 entertainment and excitement, it is surprising that more and more 01:15 people are being overwhelmed with the melancholy feeling 01:18 of being disconnected from the world around them. 01:22 This condition can lead to even more serious problems. 01:26 Today we will examine what the real cause for these 01:30 forelorned feelings is and how to overcome 01:33 a lonely state of mind. 01:35 Don, let me ask you a question. 01:37 Have you ever experienced that real sense of deep loneliness? 01:43 I don't know if people can identify with my sense of 01:45 loneliness, maybe I can't with theirs, 01:47 but, yes, I think I've gone through times of loneliness. 01:50 You know, for various reasons, at different times. 01:53 What about yourself? 01:54 I had some times of intense loneliness. 01:57 I think, one of the worst times was when I had got back 02:00 to college and I was thirty years old and suddenly 02:04 I've had just broken off an engagement 02:06 and suddenly, I've found myself 02:08 in an environment with people much younger than myself, 02:12 very isolated and it went on a long period of time, even though 02:17 when I was surrounded by other students and people 02:22 that I interacted with all day long, I was very lonely, 02:27 and I've found myself going outside late at night 02:30 and I looked up at the stars and I would beg God to draw me 02:34 closer to Him. 02:36 It took me some time to understand that 02:38 my loneliness was just 02:40 an inner emptiness, that I was missing 02:42 that relationship with God. 02:45 Well, you know one time that I was lonely, 02:46 a short term loneliness, 02:48 the first time when I went to a foreign country. 02:52 And I went there with no one else, no one that could really 02:56 translate for me, and for those who know me I talk a great deal. 03:00 And so I couldn't talk, I couldn't understand, 03:02 and it was a short term loneliness, 03:06 but I tell you, I didn't particularly like it. 03:09 Another time when I had a really intense loneliness was when 03:14 I've become very ill and we just had moved, I was taking care 03:19 of my in-laws, living at a place several hundred miles from my 03:25 home and I had left my church, my friends, all of my belongings 03:31 in Houston, Texas when we moved 03:33 and I felt so isolated, even though 03:37 I was with loved ones, because my husband was traveling, 03:41 I was in a new environment, sick and trying to mask this sickness 03:47 and we are going to discuss tonight that sometimes 03:49 when we had hidden problems, problems that we are masking, 03:53 that this can really create that sense of isolation 03:57 and loneliness. 03:58 You know there are many people that we talked to when preparing 04:01 to this program that didn't want to talk with us 04:04 because it was kind of hard for them to admit loneliness, 04:07 some of them were maybe married to people that were very busy, 04:11 perhaps professionals, and what not and said: "Well, I just 04:14 feel lonely but if I said that he or she will feel like it's 04:18 their problem, but I don't really think it is." 04:21 And then others said that: "Well, I don't 04:24 know that I want to share this with them." 04:26 It seemed to be mostly 04:27 people that you would expect not to be lonely, 04:30 they were surrounded by a lot of people, they had a spouse 04:33 with them, you would think things are going well, 04:37 but they were lonely. 04:39 That's happened to me and I bet it happened to each one of us 04:42 at some point in our lives, where we have that sense of deep 04:47 loneliness, a longing to have something more in our life, but 04:52 because of our pride we mask that, and I remember once, 04:57 when I first graduated from college 04:59 I was in Las Vegas, Nevada, 05:02 my company had sent me there and I ended up, 05:04 they had me working there, and I was a very sheltered person 05:10 and here I am in Vegas, and I didn't want to go out and do 05:13 anything in Las Vegas and I remember that my boss, 05:17 it was just before Christmas when we moved there, 05:20 and my boss and his wife asked me if I would housesit 05:23 over Christmas, and I tell you what, they had just moved 05:27 into this new home, no furniture in the house 05:31 just one long haired kitty cat that didn't like me very much 05:35 and was constantly coughing up fur balls and I ended up 05:39 spending Christmas Day all alone and that is one of the 05:44 loneliest times that I've ever felt in my life. 05:47 Well, you know I think we need to talk, probably 05:50 as we get into this program, 05:51 that there is probably some forms of loneliness 05:54 that are OK, they are natural. 05:56 There are some that probably are not OK. 05:59 Sometimes if you are not lonely it's a bad sign, 06:02 sometimes if you're lonely it's a good sign, right! 06:05 So, it's kind of a broad term, so we in this program are going 06:09 to define what loneliness is, at least, to some extent 06:13 and we are going to talk about valid types of loneliness 06:15 and then some that really need to take a close look at. 06:19 And the reason this topic is so important, I know that 06:22 for many of our viewers, you may be sitting there and you have 06:26 this sense of isolation. 06:28 One thing, if we don't learn what loneliness is all about 06:33 and how to overcome loneliness, it can become a dangerous 06:36 condition, because loneliness is the threshold that opens up 06:42 to depression and many other things, and you know, Don, 06:46 a lot of people are trying to fill a void in them, because 06:50 they are so lonely, they're reaching out they're doing drugs 06:53 they are filling the void with all kinds of bad things, 06:59 and even a lot of young people, who feel this intense loneliness 07:03 are, as the song says 07:05 "looking for love in all the wrong places". 07:08 So we are gonna talk about what causes loneliness, 07:12 we'll define it in a better way, and then we'll gonna talk about 07:16 how to overcome loneliness, and this will be something, 07:19 that I think you will enjoy very much. 07:22 Coming up next, we'll gonna talk with two ladies, 07:24 who have been struggling with loneliness. 07:27 So stay with us, we will be right back. 07:35 Next week on Up Close: 07:36 We have some very special guests with us today, in fact, we have 07:39 two families who have gone through the tragedy of losing 07:42 a loved one, Mike MacKinnon from Tampa, Florida. 07:45 Mike has been a bicker for most of his life. 07:48 He lived a lifestyle that was not the healthiest. 07:51 But you never, never prepare for your child 07:56 He was old enough to grasp: "Mommy, people with cancer die, 08:00 when will daddy die?" 08:04 This Saturday in Up Close. 08:07 Don't miss it. 08:22 Welcome back to Up Close. 08:24 Today we are talking about how to cope with loneliness, 08:27 and our first guest is Shirley Garner from Wichita, Kansas. 08:30 She worked for many years as a supervisor 08:32 in an accounting department for an oil company. 08:35 Over the last fourteen years she has suffered several serious 08:39 health conditions, had major surgeries several times. 08:43 Ten years ago, Tomaro, her husband past away. 08:46 Let's take a look to what she has to say to us. 08:48 I've been coping with loneliness for a lot of years. 08:52 My husband and I had cancer in 1990 and four years later 08:56 he passed away. 08:57 And it will be ten years, tomorrow, and there 09:01 has been a lot of loneliness since then. 09:04 He and I just thought alike and did things together 09:08 and just enjoyed each-other so much 09:11 and so there is a lot to try to cope with. 09:17 We had a lot of couple friends, and fortunately 09:22 I have been able to keep them all, and I think 09:25 that's been good for me, to be around couples, 09:28 but in the same time, 09:29 I'm a third leg and I don't know whether you ever get 09:34 over that or not, but I do appreciate that 09:38 they continue being friends with me all these years. 09:41 Some of the things that I know make me lonely is: 09:48 we visited all the time. 09:50 When we sat in the car we held hands even after all these years 09:54 and it's hard to sit at the table and eat. 09:58 No conversation. In the beginning it was so quiet, 10:02 because we always talked 10:03 and my son told me: "Turn the radio on, and turn it on 10:07 in a couple of rooms and so there is noise in the house", 10:10 and so I have Christian stations on and I listen to those. 10:16 We did a lot of camping and fishing, when he was alive, 10:20 and I live on water now and I see people out with their boats 10:24 and their kids and I can't do that, you know, and that's 10:28 and I just think 10:29 "Oh, if he was here, we'd have such a good time!" 10:34 And that's hard to cope with. 10:36 It's hard to see even older people together, maybe, 10:39 holding hands or smiling, it brings back what 10:44 was going on with me and I don't have that anymore. 10:48 You can really sense the loneliness there, can't you? 10:51 Yes, I can. 10:52 Shirley, I'm just really sorry for the lose of your husband but 10:56 I know that what widows and widowers go through is 11:01 when you've lost a loved one to death it's like you have 11:06 to redefine your life, 11:07 and sometimes some people find that 11:10 more difficult and it sounds like 11:12 you've had a pretty difficult struggle with loneliness. 11:15 But I don't grieve, I don't cry. 11:18 There's none of that, it's just being alone. 11:22 Did you go through the natural grief process for a while? 11:25 Actually, I didn't. 11:27 My husband fought cancer for four years. 11:29 In the first two years, well, he was ill it was my grieving time. 11:33 And when he passed away, 11:34 I was glad I didn't see the pain anymore. 11:37 So, there was never grieving afterwards, so to speak. 11:42 That may be part of the reason, 11:43 I would like to talk to you after the program, 11:45 may be part of the reason you are finding 11:47 such difficult time after ten years of going through this. 11:52 Shirley shared with me later, that there were some thing that 11:55 very helpful to her and I think we'll come back to those, 11:58 a little bit later, but, you know why don't we talk about 12:01 what a definition of loneliness is. 12:04 It's quit a broad category to define, but Shelley, 12:09 what would you say is a definition of loneliness? 12:13 Well, loneliness is really a sense of isolation, 12:17 it's a sense on inner emptiness and what we find is 12:22 that there are many things that cause this sense of being 12:27 shut off from the world. 12:29 I've made a list of things, because as I was planning 12:32 this program I was thinking back over some things 12:35 that I've experienced in life, some things that 12:38 I have counseled with others 12:40 and there are natural times of loneliness in our life 12:45 that we shouldn't really worry about, for example: 12:48 the loss of a loved one. 12:49 When you lose someone to death it is a very difficult and 12:54 trying time and it is natural during the grieving process and 12:59 even after the grieving process to sense that loss and 13:04 to have that loneliness. 13:06 You know, the Lord, in Genesis 2:18, God said: 13:10 "It is not good for man to be alone". 13:14 Amen, I agree with that! 13:16 And He did not really create us to live isolated. 13:21 So, loss of a loved one 13:22 is definitely one of the first things. 13:24 Now, separation from a loved one as well. 13:28 You've heard of the "empty nest syndrome", when children go off 13:33 to college and what often happens is parents, 13:37 particularly mothers, 13:39 will go through an intense time of loneliness and it seems that 13:44 nothing can console them because they are missing those children. 13:50 If you have a child that marries then sometimes parents go 13:55 through that and it is interesting, as I talked to some 14:00 many times the father, if they lose the daughter to marriage, 14:04 and that's what most daddies would say, you know: 14:06 "I've lost my little girl to another man!" 14:08 The father is the one 14:09 who sometimes has the most difficult time 14:11 with the daughter marrying 14:14 and sometimes the mother with the son. 14:18 But, anytime we are separated, just think about all the people 14:22 whose spouses are in the service right now and may be overseas, 14:27 that's a natural time of loneliness in our lives. 14:31 Abandonment is another issue. 14:34 Abandonment, rejection and isolation. 14:38 People caring for someone who is chronically ill, 14:42 like an Alzheimer patient. 14:45 When we actually did a program with a woman who 14:49 had gone into depression, an Up Close program, and she had cared 14:53 for her husband during his decline through Alzheimer's 14:57 and she 14:58 became necessarily more isolated because he was homebound 15:04 and she became housebound and after his death she did not, 15:09 I mean, she had already isolated herself and she went through 15:14 an intense time of loneliness with him, 15:16 but she didn't do anything 15:18 to change the conditions after the death and she just slid 15:23 right into the pits of depression. 15:25 Let me give you another one. 15:27 Strained marital relationships, you mentioned earlier, when 15:31 we were doing the introduction that sometimes we have 15:36 a difficult time finding guests for tonight, because 15:38 some spouses might be 15:40 a little reticent about getting up and saying: 15:44 "I'm lonely even though I'm married!" 15:47 I've had a dear friend who was married to a rancher and she 15:52 said something to me, that I would never forget, she said, 15:55 she was home alone during the day but what happened, she said: 16:00 "Shelley I've never been more lonely then when my husband 16:04 comes in, in the evening because he would walk in the door, 16:09 eat his dinner, sit in front of the television and not talk 16:13 with me, there's no communication." 16:15 Here she'd been alone all day long and then she said: 16:19 "His presence in the room, 16:21 but with that barrier up, makes me feel 16:25 a hundred times more lonely then when I am alone". 16:30 So, loneliness really is not the same as just being alone! 16:33 No, actually, a lonely person can be lonely in a room 16:38 that is crowded with people. 16:41 If you have that inner emptiness going on 16:44 inside of you it is something that's very difficult. 16:47 Would you say that's true, Shirley in your situation, 16:50 that, you know, there's a difference between 16:54 being lonely and just being alone. 16:58 Explain what you mean by that, a little bit more, maybe. 17:00 It's just like she said, that there can be a lot of people 17:06 around you and, like I'd said before, maybe they are couples 17:10 and that makes you lonely. 17:13 So, even though you are with people, that just triggers 17:16 a remembrance of the sense of loss or 17:20 something that was an ideal or a more ideal time. 17:25 Let me just give you a few more, Don, because we wanna 17:28 come back and discuss how to overcome this, 17:31 but if you're single beyond the expected age of marriage... 17:36 you know I've talked to a lot of women who were 30-35 years old 17:39 and all of their friend have married, they become very lonely 17:42 because society expects something else of them 17:45 and their expectation is different. 17:47 A natural kind of loneliness is when you relocate to a new town 17:52 or for children to a new school and you don't know anyone, 17:55 lack of social skills is one great contributor to loneliness. 18:01 There're some people who don't know how to be a friend and 18:06 chronic illness can be a cause for loneliness, if someone 18:11 is shut in because of injury or illness, 18:15 lack of purpose in our lives. 18:18 You know there are some people that seem to have it all 18:21 and they maybe very wealthy and have all that we would think 18:25 it should make their lives happy but if they do not have 18:29 a purpose in their life they can be very lonely individuals. 18:32 And of course, the greatest one in some of these are actually 18:36 overlapping, but just that inner emptiness, people who 18:41 are seeking something, and I am a firm believer 18:45 that if you have a really intimate relationship with Jesus 18:50 then you will never be lonely again. 18:53 So we are going to be discussing 18:56 some ways to overcome these causes of loneliness. 19:00 Coming up next, we'll introduce you to yet another person, 19:02 that is trying to cope with the feelings of loneliness. 19:05 So, please stay with us, we'll be right back. 19:15 Are you alone? 19:17 Do you feel the emptiness of being all alone even 19:20 when others are around? 19:21 If so, we have just the book for you. 19:23 Find comfort as you read "Alone Again" for your free gift. 19:27 Just write to us today. 19:57 Welcome back to Up Close. 19:59 Today we are talking about how to cope with loneliness 20:01 and our next guest is Cecilia Hudson from Wichita, Kansas. 20:06 Cecilia works at Wichita's State University as an administrative 20:10 assistant in the Engineering Department. 20:13 She's been a single mother for the last 10 years and has 20:16 5 children, ages 11 to 25. 20:20 She, too, has struggled with loneliness but for Cecilia 20:24 it started much earlier in her life. 20:27 Here's what she shared with us. 20:29 Most of my life, as a child - I came from a large family, 20:33 didn't get some of my needs met and I was insecure and 20:37 as I grew up I've got into a relationship that didn't 20:42 necessarily seek God's guidance and I was lonely 20:48 in my marriage, I didn't have a close, intimate relationship 20:53 and ended in divorce and now I'm 20:56 a single parent and have been for about ten years and 21:00 it's hard at times to know that you are by yourself 21:07 and my boys' father passed when they were young, 21:10 so I am by myself and it's even hard as an adult 21:15 with my parents sometimes, I changed denominations when 21:21 I grew up with and I felt alienated for a long time 21:24 from my family so I didn't have 21:27 a close group for support. 21:31 I know that through your life pretty much everyone 21:37 has went through a lonely phase and I've been married 21:40 and now I'm not but I know even when I was married 21:44 I was lonely at times, didn't have that emotional connection 21:48 with my spouse and I'm sure many people out there 21:53 are in a spot where they are lonely, mixed-up. 21:57 I remember when I was married I would feel like 22:00 I need to talk about something or needed some communication 22:05 and we were trying to bring something up that bothered 22:08 me without attacking and just wasn't happening, 22:13 we weren't communicating and I just felt very alone, 22:16 I just felt trapped, like, is this my fault I blamed myself 22:22 and I just didn't know what to do, I felt alone and I wasn't 22:28 even the best parent I could be because of that. 22:31 I had insecurities because I wasn't getting my needs met 22:35 and unfortunately I didn't go to the Lord soon enough for help 22:41 because He can change anything miraculously. 22:47 That's a great summary of many different touch points that you 22:51 talked about, really, and defining or talking about people 22:55 that experienced loneliness, you know the loss of a spouse, 22:58 being a single mom. 23:00 The other thing I think that in the clip that we heard 23:04 was kind of an insight from that time of marriage, where 23:07 people who are married are having hard time sharing with us 23:09 or not wanting to, of course, in front of others, saying: 23:12 "Here I am lonely right in the midst of a relationship!" 23:15 And then again, I think, Cecilia, what touched my heart 23:18 was that you said that you've been lonely 23:20 since you were a child. 23:22 Often when we don't have our emotional needs met 23:26 as a child, we grow up with that inner emptiness. 23:30 It sounds like that's what happened to you. 23:33 That's right? 23:34 Yes and I also have fears that unknowingly I pass 23:38 that on to my children, and that bothers me, 23:40 so it makes me strive harder to find out 23:43 an answer and improve myself. 23:46 Cecilia, when we talked, as well, you have made 23:51 some discoveries, some practical ways that worked for you 23:54 in terms of overcoming loneliness and Shirley also 23:56 when we talked with you, you also had some practical 24:00 ways in terms of overcoming loneliness. 24:02 So, maybe, Cecilia, you can share a couple 24:04 of those that you were taking with us earlier. 24:08 Yes one that I remember, after I was a born again Christian went 24:14 to some conferences and I was in a single support group 24:18 at the time and the pastor mentioned how many people 24:23 are lonely out there and depressed, don't feel 24:27 like they have a friend. 24:29 He talked about how instead of thinking of yourself, 24:32 like: "Poor me!", and you don't have anybody, 24:36 the real answer is to reaching out to others and 24:39 being a good listener and being friendly and getting involved 24:43 and before you know it your own goes away 24:47 and you don't realize it. 24:50 Yes, and we're gonna come back to that and, Shirley, 24:53 there were several ways that you shared with us, 24:56 that you were coping with loneliness. 24:59 One of the main things is I'm a very outdoor person 25:02 and I love being out in the yard and so the dirtier 25:07 my hands get the happier I am. 25:10 But then about a year ago I had a major melanoma 25:13 and that shut that off, and it was really hard on me, 25:17 and I've prayed a lot about it and the Lord says: 25:21 "You know, you can be nocturnal you can follow the shade!" 25:24 and so that's what I do. 25:26 So, you went outside still, but you're working in the shade. 25:28 Right. 25:29 Those are very practical things that have helped in some ways, 25:32 and I know you have some other things and we wanna 25:35 come back to that, but Shelley, you have also some 25:37 practical ways you were sharing with me as dealt in counseling 25:40 with many lonely people, that you wanted to share as well. 25:43 Well, and I think our ladies touched on many of them 25:48 in just that short point of time. 25:50 I'd like to give you five main points on how 25:53 to overcome loneliness. 25:55 And the first one is through group activities. 25:59 I wanna say this in a very sensitive way, because 26:03 when you are lonely you have such pain and I don't want 26:08 anyone to feel like I'm pointing a finger, but loneliness 26:11 has a lot to do with focusing on ourselves. 26:16 And we are gonna talk about the second category, 26:20 about volunteering and helping others, but one of the 26:23 worst things that you can do, if you are feeling lonely 26:26 is to stay in an isolated condition, 26:28 so for example for Shirley, 26:31 one thing that is very good if you have gone through 26:36 the death of a loved one, go to a grief recovery course, 26:40 go find other people in a support group, and you mentioned 26:44 as well, Cecilia, that you went to one of these types of groups. 26:48 This is very helpful to be able to talk about, it's natural 26:53 to feel lonely after you've lost a loved one even through 26:56 death or divorce, but you wanna get out where you 26:59 can talk with others about this. 27:01 If you're new in town, you know, that's another kind of natural 27:05 loneliness, it's like you were talking about going to Europe, 27:08 where you don't know anyone and don't know the language. 27:11 When you're new in town, check out the churches, 27:14 join a church group, join a health club, 27:16 join Toastmasters, join something, you have to get out 27:21 you can't keep yourself boxed in and sit and have 27:26 a little pity party about your loneliness, 27:28 you need to get out and reach out to others. 27:31 Take classes, you can take art classes, music classes, 27:34 join a quilting club there's all kinds of things that you can do. 27:38 And perhaps if you have a talent like you're a good pianist, 27:42 offer to give piano lessons. 27:45 And in something that you mentioned, Shirley, 27:48 was exercise, getting out of the house. 27:50 I would recommend for someone who's lonely, exercise 27:54 would do two things: number one, if you get out of the house, 27:57 and say you're a walker, if you walk where a lot of people walk, 28:02 pretty soon you'll pick up a walking buddy, most likely. 28:04 Have you ever noticed that people start walking along 28:07 the track and the next day you go by you see the two of them 28:10 joined together. 28:12 But walking does something to help our brain develop 28:16 exercise, fresh air, sunlight, helps our brain develop 28:20 more serotonin and we have these things going on in us 28:26 and that makes us happier. 28:29 Volunteer, the second category is, volunteer to help others. 28:34 You can do this through community services. 28:37 My sister, Dawn, called me, she was in Chicago, 28:38 didn't know anyone, 28:41 she was so lonesome, she called whining every day: 28:45 "I'm so lonesome, I am so lonesome!" 28:48 I should say, she didn't know anyone, she was married, 28:52 her husband worked a lot of hours and finally about 28:56 the third or fourth day this was going on I told her: 28:59 "Honey, your focus is so much on yourself, if you wanna 29:02 overcome this loneliness, what you need to do is go down 29:07 to the Salvation Army and volunteer, 29:10 help people that are hungry, help the homeless". 29:15 And when she did that suddenly two days later she 29:19 called me back, and said: "I'm not lonely anymore." 29:22 So, when we get our focus off of ourselves 29:25 this is something that helps. 29:26 I wanna bring out, that, Shirley, you shared how 29:28 you started to do those volunteer things. 29:30 What kind of things did you get into? 29:32 Well, because of my health I'm not dependable so I have to 29:36 do things on my own time and our church has a little school 29:41 and I pay the bills for the school and help in the library, 29:44 have a little great granddaughter 29:47 that I take care of, once in a while 29:49 I see a big smile on your face! 29:52 Yes, and I have a lot of friends and I've had 29:56 a wonderful support group for many, many years. 29:59 It's a little baby and getting involved, you know, 30:02 I was in a restaurant today with some of the crew 30:06 here from Up Close and they were, we got together, 30:11 this is one of the last tappings of these segments that 30:14 we are working on, and I had my little baby with me 30:17 and you know, I was able to talk to complete strangers. 30:20 I just took my baby along, and they started talking to the baby 30:23 and really breaks down the barriers, doesn't it? 30:26 Now, Cecilia, one thing that Shelley was sharing was 30:28 these social groups and when you and I talked you found that 30:32 that was helpful but you also had a caution for 30:35 single people that were going to social groups. 30:38 Yes, I've been to probably three over the years and 30:43 what I've found so many of them turned into like 30:46 a social club or they go and wanna have fun or they try 30:50 to find a date or a mate and I've got uncomfortable with that 30:54 because for me that's not the reason I'm going and 30:58 I wished they were more like, "How can I be a strong, 31:03 Godly mom, or woman!" and focus on my relationship 31:07 with the Lord because that ultimately is where 31:10 you really find the security and peace. 31:14 And helping others go through the pain that 31:17 you've come out of, you know, you can relate 31:20 what they went through and it seems like 31:23 there should be more support in reaching out instead 31:26 of just how can we have a good time. 31:28 I think that's a good caution, isn't it? 31:30 It is, and I think there's a great point here, a social group 31:34 if you're going to group recovery this is something 31:36 very different than the need that you're discussing. 31:40 There are times, and we'll get to that point here, 31:42 in just a moment, where we need to be looking for 31:45 the type of spiritual fulfillment and nurturing that 31:49 will bring us closer to the Lord. 31:51 But, one more thing that I wanted to hit on the volunteer, 31:54 because some people say: "Oh, I don't really think that 31:57 I want to go feed the hungry or volunteer at the hospital 32:00 or go to the nursing home and visit the shut-ins!" 32:04 But you can run errands, you know men can run 32:08 errands for shot-ins, you can mentor someone 32:11 Thank you for that vote of confidence! 32:14 Become a big brother or a big sister 32:18 If you're retired and if you've lost a spouse 32:22 and you retired and you have business experience 32:24 then you can mentor someone in a start-up business, 32:27 start an incubator, get some other people together 32:31 with you and offer to help in some way. 32:34 The whole point, be a surrogate grandparent, 32:37 the whole point is, when we quit focusing on ourselves 32:42 and begin focusing on service to others that loneliness 32:46 just dissipates, it's like a black cloud goes away. 32:51 Yes, I think keeping people busy too; 32:53 I mean that, exactly as you were saying yourself 32:55 and others, my mother is kinda a master of that 32:58 with my father, cause he's now retired, I think 33:00 that's another time of loneliness, people worked 33:02 the whole life to have a focus and different things 33:05 and then if some of those opportunities shut down 33:07 then they kind of shut down, and so, you know, just 33:11 a little idea and now my dad is running all over, 33:15 taking people here and there, different things and 33:18 then his focus has completely changed. 33:20 Absolutely, and you know, you mentioned the baby in your arms 33:23 and how easy it was to meet people. 33:25 I had a friend who was so desperately lonely after 33:27 the death of her sister, that it took two years, 33:31 she was really getting into a deep depression, 33:34 and I kept telling her: "Get a puppy, get a puppy!" 33:38 And when she got a puppy, and would start walking 33:40 this puppy, she took it out on the leash she started 33:44 meeting other people but also the puppy needed 33:47 her care and suddenly her focus was on something else. 33:50 It was a lot of company for her. 33:52 So, that's something that, if you wanna be careful. 33:57 - Don't get a Great Dane, get a puppy! 34:00 I had a lady once who had a Great Dane, the thing 34:03 took off and drug her down the road and then 34:05 she was so injured, she came into the emergency department 34:07 and she met a lot of people, 34:08 but, that's probably not the way, right? 34:10 Start out small, and if you have 34:12 a big dog, keep it on short leash. 34:14 Now, you have some other things here: volunteer to help 34:16 others and then the next one you were. 34:19 The third category is, invest in your relationship with God 34:22 and the church and I think Cecilia, this is, 34:25 when you went to a group that was helping you in recovery. 34:29 When it gets to that point of being in a social club, 34:32 you needed something more. 34:34 It's time that you become active, go to church, 34:37 get involved with your church in a Bible study group. 34:40 And I wanted to play off these two with Cecilia and Shirley... 34:45 Shirley, you told me that one of the benefits 34:48 of your time alone was some of these very things 34:51 You remember? 34:53 Why don't you tell us a little bit about that? 34:57 You said, as you were in that time of loneliness 35:00 you finally begin to read the Bible a little more. 35:03 I did wanna say though, that I'm a do getter, and I've, 35:07 in the past, had volunteered a lot of things of church 35:10 and I think that's one thing that's hard on me too, 35:12 is the fact that I can't be the do gooder I used to be. 35:15 But I was telling pastor Don that I've been a Christian 35:20 all my life and I really thought that I knew God 35:22 but after all of our illnesses I've found out 35:26 that wasn't true and so, you know, I start reading 35:30 the Bible and watching 3ABN and now I know that 35:36 I'm saved and if it takes ill health 35:40 to learn to know the Lord then that's what it takes. 35:43 And, Cecilia, I think as well, you also talked about 35:48 how in these times of loneliness you developed 35:52 a relationship with the Lord in a way. 35:55 Yes, that's really what keeps me going, because there're times 35:59 I'm so busy with responsibilities and the kids 36:01 at home and my grand-daughter who lives with me right now, 36:04 so with the full time job and all I just don't have time 36:08 to get out and exercise, have a social life at all, 36:11 so I don't do things that I should make more time for, 36:16 but one thing that I've found that is the most important 36:18 is my devotion study. 36:20 If I get away from my study or my prayer 36:24 I don't feel at peace, is the same, 36:29 and I start thinking of... more lost 36:33 You also told me, that you have that peace, but you also 36:36 developed confidence to talk to people. 36:39 Right, I'm very quiet and it's very hard to know me 36:42 but if I'm really focusing on my devotion and 36:45 working on me and that relationship with the Lord, 36:49 I seem to be more secure and I can more easily open up. 36:54 Hebrews 13:5, Jesus said: "Never will I leave you, 36:58 never will I forsake you!" 37:00 I think for me, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family 37:02 and I understand the pain you're talking about, 37:07 about being a lonely child, because my father 37:10 was killed at six, my mother was manic-depressive, 37:14 she also became an alcoholic and we had a white elephant 37:17 in the living room that we weren't allowed to talk about. 37:20 Do you know what I mean? 37:22 When you're hiding a problem, we weren't allowed 37:25 to discuss this beyond our home borders and there's things 37:29 that children can grow up and be very lonely, 37:33 but this is something, as you mentioned, Shirley, 37:36 about being a do gooder and now can't. 37:38 There's always something that we can do. 37:40 If you are a shut-in, what you can do is write 37:44 cards of encouragement, if someone is grieving 37:48 over the loss of a loved one or they are celebrating 37:51 the birth of a child, there's things that we can all do. 37:55 We can become Angels of mercy, putting together disaster relief 37:59 baskets, anything that we can do to reach out to others. 38:03 But as Cecilia was saying, Don, for me the most 38:05 important thing in overcoming my loneliness was having 38:10 a very intimate, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. 38:15 Right now, I've spent; I have a very public ministry, 38:19 so I'm with people quit a bit. 38:21 The times that I am alone, which sometimes... 38:24 I've just went through a two month period 38:26 of writing a book, my husband was gone, 38:29 I was alone except on Sabbaths for two months. 38:33 Never was I lonely, one moment. 38:37 It was a time of solitude, which is completely 38:40 different then that time of feeling isolated. 38:44 It looks the same, I was isolated, but in my mind 38:50 "godliness with contentment is great gain". 38:53 I pray for a divine awareness of God's presence in my life. 39:00 You think that's the key in many ways. 39:03 There are some people that are lonely, 39:04 just because they don't take a shower. 39:07 Well, that is my next category. 39:09 Isn't it right: bad breath, don't take a shower, uncapped. 39:12 You know what they say: "Halitosis is better then 39:15 no breath at all!" 39:16 Right! 39:17 One thing, the forth category is. 39:20 I don't know they said that, 39:22 but I'm so glad I know that now. 39:23 But some people, really they turn people off. 39:26 The forth category is: invest in developing social skills. 39:33 My aunt is 80 years old and she is so active, 39:36 she's very active in her church, she's very involved 39:40 with her family, she exercises every day, she never has 39:46 a lonely moment, even though she is a widow and 39:49 she was widowed several years ago, but she's so giving, 39:52 so outgoing, and her cousin, who's the same age, 39:55 called her and said: "I'm so lonely, my kids just don't come 39:59 to see me, they don't call!" 40:02 And the Lord graciously led my aunt and opened the door 40:06 for her to talk about the reason they don't. 40:10 She encouraged her to be more positive, 40:13 because this poor woman was driving off her children, 40:17 she was driving off her family. 40:19 By what? She was talking about negative things, or what! 40:21 She was negative, negative, negative. 40:23 Complaining, complaining, complaining. 40:26 If you sense, sincerely sense that people are avoiding you, 40:32 people are shutting you out, what I recommend is finding 40:37 someone that you trust and go to them with prayer and say: 40:44 Why are people avoiding me? 40:45 And ask them: "What is it about me that seems 40:50 to make people want to avoid me?" 40:53 You need the prayer, because you gonna get 40:54 upset when they tell you, probably. 40:56 You want not to react defensively. 40:59 There are some people and I've actually counseled with 41:02 a person who was a great gossip, very critical, 41:06 every comment that came out of his mouth 41:09 was very negative, and he was wondering 41:12 why no-one wanted to be his friend. 41:15 Shelley, you let him in on a secret? 41:16 I've let him in on a secret. 41:19 We've got to examine ourselves sometimes 41:23 and see if our loneliness is self induced. 41:26 He's still your friend? 41:28 Absolutely, as a matter of fact, the Bible says that: 41:31 "The wounds of a friend 41:32 are better then the kisses of an enemy". 41:35 And if someone does come to you and ask that question, 41:40 you want to be very loving as you were giving them 41:44 the advice and I always use myself as an example, 41:48 because I can put myself in just about any example and say: 41:51 "I've done this myself before, and this is what I've found." 41:55 So it is very important that you do something 41:58 to invest in developing social skills. 42:01 We have about one minute, and 42:04 you have, I think, two other suggestions. 42:06 See, if you can summarize those in one minute. 42:08 I think, I can do that very quickly. 42:10 Number five point, is become friendly. 42:13 You've got to be a friend to have a friend. 42:15 Proverbs 18: 24 says: "A man who has friends, 42:20 himself must be friendly." 42:23 You have to open up, smile, 42:25 remember people's first names, listen, 42:29 become a good communicator. 42:31 If you want someone to open up to you, ask questions and listen 42:35 They're gonna love you, people love to talk about themselves. 42:39 So, you've got to reach out, let others know on holidays that: 42:45 "I'm not doing anything, do you know anyone else 42:47 in your church, in the neighborhood, who's not 42:51 because I would like to get a group of us together 42:53 so we can celebrate the holidays together, 42:56 either have a pot-luck or maybe go down, feed the homeless." 42:59 So it's very important that what we've got to do is look 43:05 to others, seek counseling, ask someone that you trust: 43:09 "What can I do to overcome this loneliness?" 43:12 Because if you don't, that loneliness can lead you 43:16 into depression, or, as in Cecilia's case, 43:19 when she was young, it can lead you into 43:22 destructive relationships, where you are trying to fill 43:25 the void within with all the wrong things. 43:28 Coming up next, we will take some questions 43:30 from our live audience, so please stay with us. 43:39 Next week on Up Close. 43:41 We have some very special guests with us today, in fact, 43:44 we have two families who have gone through the tragedy 43:46 of losing a loved one, Mike MacKinnon from Tampa, Florida. 43:50 Mike has been a bicker for most of his life. 43:53 He lived a lifestyle that was not the healthiest. 43:55 But you never, never prepare for your child 44:01 He was old enough to grasp: "Mommy, 44:03 people with cancer die, when will daddy die?" 44:08 This Saturday on Up Close. 44:11 Don't miss it. 44:21 Welcome back to Up Close. 44:24 We are talking today about how to cope with the feelings of 44:26 loneliness and we are going to take some questions 44:29 from our audience. 44:30 Welcome to Up Close. 44:33 What's your name and what's your question, please? 44:35 Phil. 44:37 Sometimes it seems like lonely people come to church 44:39 so that they won't be so lonely. 44:41 What are some symptoms and signs we can look for, 44:44 to make sure we recognize those lonely people 44:47 to fill their needs? 44:49 Well, Phil, was it? 44:52 It's sometimes very difficult to recognize 44:55 a lonely person, because so many of us come 44:59 into a group setting and we have a mask on and we use 45:03 verbal camouflage and pride 45:05 could be keeping someone from really speaking out. 45:09 What we need to do is number one: treat everybody 45:14 as if their heart is breaking, because it probably is. 45:19 You know, there's times when some people are very lovable 45:23 and they attract us, and some people aren't very lovable 45:27 and they may repell us. 45:29 But, what we need to do, and particularly within the church 45:33 and within the community, the church needs to reach out. 45:37 If you know someone has recently been widowed 45:41 or widower, then you need to reach out, invite them 45:45 for fellowship, invite them over after church, 45:50 invite them to come to some of your holiday meals. 45:54 If you know someone, who has been recently divorced, you 45:57 really need to be ministering; we're speaking during the break. 46:01 Children, when parents divorce early, children have this 46:08 loneliness that they sometimes grow up with, so we need 46:12 to reach out not only to the one who's in our church, 46:17 who is divorced but to their children. 46:19 We need for the community, the church needs to reach out 46:25 to help recovering drug addicts, 46:28 they don't know how to even act in social; 46:31 you know, we were talking about, developing social skills; 46:34 they don't know how to act around people. 46:37 We need to reach out in so many ways. 46:40 So, what you're saying is, 46:41 act as though everybody is lonely. 46:43 Act, as if everybody is lonely. 46:45 So, when anybody comes in, no matter if the pastor 46:49 or parishioner to say: "You know, I'm gonna ministry 46:52 this person as though no one else has talked to them." 46:55 Absolutely! 46:56 Let me say something about that. 46:58 I used to work with a group of emergency department physicians; 47:00 seven of them, very highly trained, you know, 47:02 professionals, then other physicians. 47:04 You would think they had everything, you know, 47:06 in terms of their profession and different things, but 47:08 I can remember going into their cubical, where they sat 47:11 in between patients after they had just a few moments, 47:14 and I remember one day I've asked one of them, 47:17 very excellent doctor, different things I've said. 47:19 I just basically asked him, I said: "Are you lonely?" 47:23 I've got to know him better at that time. 47:25 And he just opened up and said: "I'm the most 47:27 lonely person you'll ever meet!" 47:29 You would never thought that, but I think that's a good rule 47:33 to treat everybody as though they are lonely. 47:37 We have another question. 47:39 What's your name and what's your question? 47:40 My name is Joyce, and I wanted to know what kind of activities 47:44 can a church provide to help the lonely and the congregation? 47:49 What you can do is sponsor grief recovery courses, 47:54 sponsor single mom courses, some of the things that 47:57 Cecilia mentioned that she wanted and needed, when you 48:01 were going through this, how to be a better mom, 48:04 how to be a more godly parent and raise godly children, 48:08 or just, if you know, start a sewing circle that you are 48:14 going to produce goods that you are gonna give to the homeless 48:17 or you're gonna send for disaster relief. 48:20 There's so many ways that you can reach out to people within 48:24 your church and find out the needs. 48:27 You know who's one of the loneliest groups 48:30 in many churches? 48:32 Who would you guess? 48:34 Teen-agers. 48:36 There's not enough in the church for teen-agers to do. 48:39 They come to church and they hear great messages but nobody 48:44 is using their talents, nobody is acknowledging the things, 48:48 the many pressures that they face in the world, 48:51 so you need to get teen-agers more involved, 48:55 give them special assignments teach them how to do 49:00 special worship, teach them how to give a devotional, 49:05 send out a flyer in the church, 49:10 in your bulletin, asking: "What kind of topics 49:13 would you like to see here? 49:16 What kind of groups? 49:18 What are your needs? 49:20 Are we meeting the needs or are we just doing what we've 49:24 always been doing, year after year, decade after decade?" 49:30 When the whole complexion of the church 49:32 has changed because our world has changed. 49:35 We have another question. 49:36 What's your name and what's your question? 49:38 I'm Cindy Seward, and in relation to the other questions 49:41 what are the different masks of loneliness and 49:45 is pride and arrogance a mask? 49:48 Absolutely, pride and arrogance is a mask. 49:51 People become very... what we have to remember is, 49:55 if someone is empty on the inside, I wanna take this doctor 49:59 for example, they can be driving a Mercedes Benz, 50:03 they can have a great position, a great career, 50:07 you might be surprised to find that in your churches 50:12 there may be a family that seems to be a model family, 50:18 it may be a pastor and his wife, the pastor's wife may be 50:22 so lonely, because the husband is investing all of his time 50:27 ministering to other needs, others' needs, and doesn't have 50:31 any time to minister to hers. 50:33 So the masks, I believe is that most people, who act in 50:39 a gruff fashion, most people who put you off, 50:43 there's that inner emptiness within and it is a mask, 50:47 and it makes it difficult to love, but if we recognize 50:51 that their heart is breaking and they're just not showing it, 50:55 then that's the people we need to reach out to the most. 50:59 You know, one thing about loneliness, 51:01 there is no age limit. 51:04 We know of children in Romania, the babies in the cribs, 51:10 in orphanages, that are not being cradled, 51:14 they are not being nurtured, they are not having 51:16 their physical, emotional needs met. 51:19 These children developed a syndrome of isolation 51:23 to where it's hard to minister to them. 51:27 So we can go from the cradle to the grave, that there are 51:32 lonely people of every age group and we need to pray and say: 51:37 "Lord, help us to recognize who's lonely, not only within 51:41 my church", but Cecilia had mentioned, there are so many 51:44 single families in the community, mothers who 51:47 are struggling to bring up the children by themselves. 51:51 These women need help. 51:53 I believe, one thing that the church needs to do 51:56 is start giving very practical seminars 51:59 and inviting the community in, 52:02 seminars dealing with finance, family dynamics, 52:06 you know, how to cope being a single mom in the world. 52:12 People need to be mentored and sometimes 52:15 they don't know where to go to be mentored. 52:17 We have another question. 52:19 What's your name and what's your question, please? 52:21 My name is Mika, and my question is: If a person is 52:26 alone, alone is different then a loneliness, right. 52:33 They enjoy being by themselves, enjoying just spending 52:38 time alone, reading, dreaming, something like that. 52:42 How do you do not to be confused with a loneliness, 52:46 suffering of loneliness? 52:48 How do you know if, I believe, Mika let me repeat 52:51 your question so that I'm sure I have it. 52:53 If you see someone who spends a lot of time in solitude, 52:57 how do you know they are not isolated and lonely? 53:02 See, I'm one who truly, I have to have a certain amount 53:07 of solitude, I don't function well without it, and sometimes 53:12 if I have spent a number of days, almost like a hermit, 53:16 people get concerned: "Why aren't you lonely?", 53:18 and "You need to get out!", "No, I don't, I'm out all the time." 53:22 How you tell is if someone is able to give of themselves, 53:28 lonely people can't give of themselves. 53:31 They find it very difficult, because you can't minister 53:35 from an empty cup. 53:37 But if someone has great contentment in their lives, ask, 53:41 number one, Mika, if you see someone like that, ask them: 53:45 "Are you lonely?" 53:46 "Would you like to join us?" 53:48 And if they are very contented and you see that they function 53:51 well in every other area, and then there are people that 53:55 like a lot of solitude. 53:57 We have another question. 54:00 You mentioned loneliness and depression several times. 54:02 How can you tell when you're going from loneliness 54:05 to depression and when should you seek help? 54:08 Wonderful question, because as we have mentioned, 54:12 there are times of natural loneliness, and it would be 54:17 unnatural not to be lonely in certain situations. 54:22 But when that loneliness becomes consuming, 54:26 when that loneliness goes on for extended periods of time, 54:32 the problem is that it can go into depression 54:36 and when someone goes into depression then there are some 54:41 other signs that are going on, and you need help. 54:44 Yes, there's several resources that you can look after that, 54:47 I think a great book for that is Dr. Neil Nedley's book, 54:50 "Depression, the way out" that has a list of 10 different signs 54:54 that you can look at to see if whether you are or 54:56 not depressed or lonely and then you can seek that kind of 55:01 professional insight to help you if you have a question like that 55:04 And it is dangerous not to be treating things like 55:07 depression, that are clinical depression. 55:11 Well, we have talked about a lot about loneliness, 55:14 we had some excellent dialog, we've had some excellent guests, 55:19 but I wanna ask you Shelley, as we close up, you know, 55:22 just pulling things together, what is that last thing you 55:26 wanna say, that final thought that brings it all together? 55:30 Just speaking from my heart, I wanna say there are 55:35 so many lonely, hurting people in the world and they need to be 55:39 filled, I believe by the power of God and the Holy Spirit. 55:45 We have to be, first we have to look at ourselves and say: 55:50 "Am I truly experiencing the contentment, the zeal 55:56 that God expects me to be experiencing? 56:02 Is my church going: religion or relationship?" 56:08 I think God, He is calling all of us 56:11 into a more intimate relationship with Him. 56:15 And the reason I'm emphasizing this, Don, is 56:18 the more intimate our relationship is with God 56:21 the more we're filled, the more we can serve. 56:25 And what I would say, I guess, is: if we could look 56:31 at people through the eyes of God, in II Corinthians 5, 56:37 around verse 16 I believe it is, Paul said: 56:42 "We no longer look at anyone from a human perspective, 56:48 even though, we once looked at Christ that way." 56:50 How is it that you and I can not look at someone 56:54 from a human perspective? 56:56 There is only one way, we've got to pray, and we've got to say: 57:00 "Father, help me to see others through Your eyes. 57:04 Help me, Lord, to be filled with Your compassion with Your love." 57:09 As Romans 5:5 says, and I prayed over my life all the time: 57:13 "Shed your love abroad in my heart.", 57:16 pour your love into my heart by the Holy Spirit. 57:19 God, make me a better lover of the souls of the people that 57:25 You love so much. 57:27 We want to thank our guests today, 57:29 Shirley Garner and Cecilia Hudson for being with us. 57:31 You know it's been great to talk about this with you, Shelley, 57:35 and my thought is, I've listened to this as always drawn to 57:39 our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, Who came to this 57:41 world from Heaven and He was lonely, because He was no longer 57:46 with His Father and with all of those people of the Heavenly 57:50 Courts, yet, He came down here and lived among man and 57:53 He came to His own and His own received Him not. 57:57 In fact, in the Garden of Gethsemane, He said: 58:00 "Why have You forsaken me?" and then He died on a tree 58:03 for you and me and He took all the loneliness 58:06 of the world on His shoulders. 58:08 So, as we close this program, you know, maybe, would be 58:12 something of value if you would say: "Lord, I want you to take 58:17 my loneliness, You've already borne much of it, and 58:20 I want you to come into my heart, into my life." 58:22 I believe He'll do it. 58:24 He did it for Elijah, when he run far away into the wildness 58:27 one time, the Lord said: "What are you doing here?" 58:30 and He cooked him a nice meal, and He helped him out 58:33 and got him back on the road. 58:35 And I believe the Lord wants to do the same with you. 58:37 So, thank you so much for joining us 58:39 and thank you Shelley for being with us, 58:41 and May God bless you. 58:47 Closed Captioning by Christian Media Services www.chms.ro |
Revised 2014-12-17