Hello and welcome to
another edition of Up Close.
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I am Don McIntosh.
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And I am Shelley Quinn.
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And we are coming to you from
the Three Angels Seventh-day
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Adventist Church
in Wichita, Kansas.
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We are happy to have a
live audience joining us today,
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and we are glad that
you are joining us too.
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Today's program will
focus on a hidden problem
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that is becoming more
widespread among all age groups
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in our fast paced society.
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That problem is a feeling of
isolation that we commonly call
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loneliness.
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A condition that is
not necessarily caused
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from being alone.
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At some point each of
us will likely experience a
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temporary sensation of
loneliness during our lifetime.
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But in today's environment
of endless opportunities for
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entertainment and excitement, it
is surprising that more and more
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people are being overwhelmed
with the melancholy feeling
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of being disconnected
from the world around them.
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This condition can lead to
even more serious problems.
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Today we will examine
what the real cause for these
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forelorned feelings
is and how to overcome
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a lonely state of mind.
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Don, let me ask you a question.
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Have you ever experienced that
real sense of deep loneliness?
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I don't know if people
can identify with my sense of
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loneliness, maybe
I can't with theirs,
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but, yes, I think I've gone
through times of loneliness.
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You know, for various
reasons, at different times.
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What about yourself?
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I had some times
of intense loneliness.
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I think, one of the worst
times was when I had got back
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to college and I was
thirty years old and suddenly
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I've had just
broken off an engagement
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and suddenly, I've found myself
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in an environment with
people much younger than myself,
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very isolated and it went on a
long period of time, even though
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when I was surrounded by
other students and people
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that I interacted with all
day long, I was very lonely,
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and I've found myself
going outside late at night
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and I looked up at the stars
and I would beg God to draw me
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closer to Him.
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It took me some
time to understand that
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my loneliness was just
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an inner
emptiness, that I was missing
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that relationship with God.
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Well, you know one
time that I was lonely,
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a short term loneliness,
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the first time when I
went to a foreign country.
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And I went there with no one
else, no one that could really
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translate for me, and for those
who know me I talk a great deal.
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And so I couldn't
talk, I couldn't understand,
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and it was a
short term loneliness,
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but I tell you, I
didn't particularly like it.
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Another time when I had a really
intense loneliness was when
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I've become very ill and we just
had moved, I was taking care
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of my in-laws, living at a place
several hundred miles from my
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home and I had left my church,
my friends, all of my belongings
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in Houston, Texas when we moved
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and I felt so
isolated, even though
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I was with loved ones, because
my husband was traveling,
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I was in a new environment, sick
and trying to mask this sickness
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and we are going to
discuss tonight that sometimes
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when we had hidden problems,
problems that we are masking,
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that this can really
create that sense of isolation
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and loneliness.
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You know there are many people
that we talked to when preparing
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to this program that
didn't want to talk with us
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because it was kind of hard
for them to admit loneliness,
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some of them were maybe married
to people that were very busy,
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perhaps professionals, and
what not and said: "Well, I just
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feel lonely but if I said that
he or she will feel like it's
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their problem, but I
don't really think it is."
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And then others
said that: "Well, I don't
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know that I want to
share this with them."
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It seemed to be mostly
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people that you would
expect not to be lonely,
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they were surrounded by a
lot of people, they had a spouse
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with them, you would
think things are going well,
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but they were lonely.
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That's happened to me and I bet
it happened to each one of us
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at some point in our lives,
where we have that sense of deep
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loneliness, a longing to have
something more in our life, but
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because of our pride we
mask that, and I remember once,
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when I first
graduated from college
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I was in Las Vegas, Nevada,
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my company had sent
me there and I ended up,
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they had me working there, and
I was a very sheltered person
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and here I am in Vegas, and
I didn't want to go out and do
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anything in Las Vegas
and I remember that my boss,
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it was just before
Christmas when we moved there,
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and my boss and his wife
asked me if I would housesit
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over Christmas, and I tell
you what, they had just moved
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into this new home,
no furniture in the house
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just one long haired kitty cat
that didn't like me very much
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and was constantly coughing
up fur balls and I ended up
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spending Christmas Day all
alone and that is one of the
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loneliest times that
I've ever felt in my life.
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Well, you know I think
we need to talk, probably
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as we get into this program,
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that there is probably
some forms of loneliness
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that are OK, they are natural.
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There are some that
probably are not OK.
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Sometimes if you are
not lonely it's a bad sign,
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sometimes if you're
lonely it's a good sign, right!
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So, it's kind of a broad term,
so we in this program are going
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to define what loneliness
is, at least, to some extent
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and we are going to talk
about valid types of loneliness
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and then some that really
need to take a close look at.
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And the reason this topic
is so important, I know that
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for many of our viewers, you may
be sitting there and you have
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this sense of isolation.
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One thing, if we don't learn
what loneliness is all about
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and how to overcome loneliness,
it can become a dangerous
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condition, because loneliness
is the threshold that opens up
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to depression and many
other things, and you know, Don,
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a lot of people are trying
to fill a void in them, because
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they are so lonely, they're
reaching out they're doing drugs
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they are filling the void
with all kinds of bad things,
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and even a lot of young people,
who feel this intense loneliness
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are, as the song says
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"looking for love in
all the wrong places".
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So we are gonna talk
about what causes loneliness,
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we'll define it in a better way,
and then we'll gonna talk about
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how to overcome loneliness,
and this will be something,
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that I think you
will enjoy very much.
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Coming up next, we'll
gonna talk with two ladies,
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who have been
struggling with loneliness.
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So stay with us,
we will be right back.
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Next week on Up Close:
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We have some very special guests
with us today, in fact, we have
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two families who have gone
through the tragedy of losing
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a loved one, Mike
MacKinnon from Tampa, Florida.
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Mike has been a
bicker for most of his life.
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He lived a lifestyle
that was not the healthiest.
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But you never, never
prepare for your child
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He was old enough to grasp:
"Mommy, people with cancer die,
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when will daddy die?"
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This Saturday in Up Close.
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Don't miss it.
00:08:07.39\00:08:08.77
Welcome back to Up Close.
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Today we are talking about
how to cope with loneliness,
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and our first guest is Shirley
Garner from Wichita, Kansas.
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She worked for many
years as a supervisor
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in an accounting
department for an oil company.
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Over the last fourteen years
she has suffered several serious
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health conditions, had
major surgeries several times.
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Ten years ago,
Tomaro, her husband past away.
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Let's take a look to
what she has to say to us.
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I've been coping with
loneliness for a lot of years.
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My husband and I had cancer
in 1990 and four years later
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he passed away.
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And it will be ten
years, tomorrow, and there
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has been a lot of
loneliness since then.
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He and I just thought
alike and did things together
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and just enjoyed
each-other so much
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and so there is a
lot to try to cope with.
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We had a lot of couple
friends, and fortunately
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I have been able to
keep them all, and I think
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that's been good for
me, to be around couples,
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but in the same time,
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I'm a third leg and I
don't know whether you ever get
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over that or not,
but I do appreciate that
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they continue being
friends with me all these years.
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Some of the things that
I know make me lonely is:
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we visited all the time.
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When we sat in the car we held
hands even after all these years
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and it's hard to sit
at the table and eat.
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No conversation. In the
beginning it was so quiet,
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because we always talked
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and my son told me: "Turn
the radio on, and turn it on
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in a couple of rooms and so
there is noise in the house",
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and so I have Christian stations
on and I listen to those.
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We did a lot of camping
and fishing, when he was alive,
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and I live on water now and I
see people out with their boats
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and their kids and I can't
do that, you know, and that's
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and I just think
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"Oh, if he was here,
we'd have such a good time!"
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And that's hard to cope with.
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It's hard to see even
older people together, maybe,
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holding hands or
smiling, it brings back what
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was going on with me and
I don't have that anymore.
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You can really sense the
loneliness there, can't you?
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Yes, I can.
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Shirley, I'm just really sorry
for the lose of your husband but
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I know that what widows
and widowers go through is
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when you've lost a loved
one to death it's like you have
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to redefine your life,
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and sometimes
some people find that
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more difficult
and it sounds like
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you've had a pretty difficult
struggle with loneliness.
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But I don't grieve, I don't cry.
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There's none of that,
it's just being alone.
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Did you go through the natural
grief process for a while?
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Actually, I didn't.
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My husband fought
cancer for four years.
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In the first two years, well, he
was ill it was my grieving time.
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And when he passed away,
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I was glad I didn't
see the pain anymore.
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So, there was never grieving
afterwards, so to speak.
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That may be part of the reason,
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I would like to talk
to you after the program,
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may be part of the
reason you are finding
00:11:45.92\00:11:47.62
such difficult time after
ten years of going through this.
00:11:47.65\00:11:52.65
Shirley shared with me later,
that there were some thing that
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very helpful to her and I
think we'll come back to those,
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a little bit later, but,
you know why don't we talk about
00:11:58.32\00:12:01.86
what a
definition of loneliness is.
00:12:01.89\00:12:04.52
It's quit a broad
category to define, but Shelley,
00:12:04.55\00:12:09.06
what would you say is a
definition of loneliness?
00:12:09.09\00:12:13.11
Well, loneliness is
really a sense of isolation,
00:12:13.14\00:12:17.20
it's a sense on inner
emptiness and what we find is
00:12:17.23\00:12:22.01
that there are many things
that cause this sense of being
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shut off from the world.
00:12:27.64\00:12:29.71
I've made a list of things,
because as I was planning
00:12:29.74\00:12:32.36
this program I was
thinking back over some things
00:12:32.39\00:12:35.37
that I've experienced
in life, some things that
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I have counseled with others
00:12:38.45\00:12:40.39
and there are natural
times of loneliness in our life
00:12:40.42\00:12:45.28
that we shouldn't really
worry about, for example:
00:12:45.41\00:12:47.98
the loss of a loved one.
00:12:48.01\00:12:49.77
When you lose someone to
death it is a very difficult and
00:12:49.80\00:12:54.77
trying time and it is natural
during the grieving process and
00:12:54.81\00:12:59.77
even after the grieving
process to sense that loss and
00:12:59.80\00:13:04.61
to have that loneliness.
00:13:04.64\00:13:06.28
You know, the Lord, in
Genesis 2:18, God said:
00:13:06.31\00:13:10.56
"It is not good
for man to be alone".
00:13:10.59\00:13:14.02
Amen, I agree with that!
00:13:14.05\00:13:16.26
And He did not really
create us to live isolated.
00:13:16.34\00:13:21.06
So, loss of a loved one
00:13:21.14\00:13:22.60
is definitely one
of the first things.
00:13:22.63\00:13:24.82
Now, separation
from a loved one as well.
00:13:24.85\00:13:28.57
You've heard of the "empty nest
syndrome", when children go off
00:13:28.60\00:13:33.37
to college and what
often happens is parents,
00:13:33.40\00:13:37.42
particularly mothers,
00:13:37.45\00:13:39.30
will go through an intense time
of loneliness and it seems that
00:13:39.34\00:13:44.86
nothing can console them because
they are missing those children.
00:13:44.89\00:13:50.08
If you have a child that marries
then sometimes parents go
00:13:50.11\00:13:55.42
through that and it is
interesting, as I talked to some
00:13:55.49\00:14:00.46
many times the father, if they
lose the daughter to marriage,
00:14:00.49\00:14:04.01
and that's what most
daddies would say, you know:
00:14:04.04\00:14:06.08
"I've lost my little
girl to another man!"
00:14:06.11\00:14:08.57
The father is the one
00:14:08.60\00:14:09.68
who sometimes has
the most difficult time
00:14:09.71\00:14:11.88
with the daughter marrying
00:14:11.91\00:14:14.85
and sometimes the
mother with the son.
00:14:14.88\00:14:18.61
But, anytime we are separated,
just think about all the people
00:14:18.69\00:14:22.46
whose spouses are in the service
right now and may be overseas,
00:14:22.49\00:14:27.74
that's a natural time
of loneliness in our lives.
00:14:27.77\00:14:31.82
Abandonment is another issue.
00:14:31.85\00:14:34.41
Abandonment,
rejection and isolation.
00:14:34.70\00:14:38.00
People caring for
someone who is chronically ill,
00:14:38.12\00:14:42.68
like an Alzheimer patient.
00:14:42.71\00:14:44.58
When we actually did a
program with a woman who
00:14:45.05\00:14:49.04
had gone into depression, an Up
Close program, and she had cared
00:14:49.07\00:14:52.99
for her husband during his
decline through Alzheimer's
00:14:53.02\00:14:57.23
and she
00:14:57.26\00:14:58.23
became necessarily more isolated
because he was homebound
00:14:58.30\00:15:04.20
and she became housebound
and after his death she did not,
00:15:04.39\00:15:09.72
I mean, she had already isolated
herself and she went through
00:15:09.75\00:15:14.58
an intense time of
loneliness with him,
00:15:14.61\00:15:16.69
but she didn't do anything
00:15:16.72\00:15:18.58
to change the conditions after
the death and she just slid
00:15:18.61\00:15:22.98
right into the
pits of depression.
00:15:23.01\00:15:25.37
Let me give you another one.
00:15:25.40\00:15:27.33
Strained marital relationships,
you mentioned earlier, when
00:15:27.36\00:15:31.59
we were doing the introduction
that sometimes we have
00:15:31.62\00:15:36.43
a difficult time finding
guests for tonight, because
00:15:36.73\00:15:38.56
some spouses might be
00:15:38.59\00:15:40.92
a little reticent
about getting up and saying:
00:15:40.95\00:15:44.40
"I'm lonely even
though I'm married!"
00:15:44.43\00:15:47.67
I've had a dear friend who
was married to a rancher and she
00:15:47.70\00:15:52.42
said something to me, that I
would never forget, she said,
00:15:52.45\00:15:55.90
she was home alone during the
day but what happened, she said:
00:15:55.93\00:16:00.84
"Shelley I've never been
more lonely then when my husband
00:16:00.87\00:16:04.85
comes in, in the evening because
he would walk in the door,
00:16:04.88\00:16:09.33
eat his dinner, sit in front
of the television and not talk
00:16:09.36\00:16:13.31
with me, there's
no communication."
00:16:13.34\00:16:15.63
Here she'd been alone all
day long and then she said:
00:16:15.66\00:16:19.31
"His presence in the room,
00:16:19.34\00:16:21.55
but with that
barrier up, makes me feel
00:16:21.58\00:16:25.47
a hundred times more
lonely then when I am alone".
00:16:25.50\00:16:30.14
So, loneliness really is not
the same as just being alone!
00:16:30.36\00:16:33.46
No, actually, a lonely
person can be lonely in a room
00:16:33.49\00:16:38.56
that is crowded with people.
00:16:38.59\00:16:41.16
If you have that
inner emptiness going on
00:16:41.19\00:16:44.65
inside of you it is
something that's very difficult.
00:16:44.68\00:16:47.42
Would you say that's
true, Shirley in your situation,
00:16:47.45\00:16:49.97
that, you know,
there's a difference between
00:16:50.00\00:16:54.27
being lonely and
just being alone.
00:16:54.35\00:16:57.99
Explain what you mean by
that, a little bit more, maybe.
00:16:58.02\00:17:00.93
It's just like she said, that
there can be a lot of people
00:17:00.96\00:17:06.02
around you and, like I'd said
before, maybe they are couples
00:17:06.05\00:17:10.27
and that makes you lonely.
00:17:10.30\00:17:12.67
So, even though you are
with people, that just triggers
00:17:13.57\00:17:16.79
a remembrance of
the sense of loss or
00:17:16.82\00:17:20.35
something that was an
ideal or a more ideal time.
00:17:20.42\00:17:25.76
Let me just give you a few
more, Don, because we wanna
00:17:25.79\00:17:28.74
come back and
discuss how to overcome this,
00:17:28.77\00:17:31.30
but if you're single beyond
the expected age of marriage...
00:17:31.33\00:17:36.52
you know I've talked to a lot of
women who were 30-35 years old
00:17:36.56\00:17:39.76
and all of their friend have
married, they become very lonely
00:17:39.79\00:17:42.86
because society
expects something else of them
00:17:42.89\00:17:45.68
and their
expectation is different.
00:17:45.71\00:17:47.78
A natural kind of loneliness is
when you relocate to a new town
00:17:47.81\00:17:52.06
or for children to a new school
and you don't know anyone,
00:17:52.09\00:17:55.51
lack of social skills is one
great contributor to loneliness.
00:17:55.54\00:18:01.49
There're some people who don't
know how to be a friend and
00:18:01.66\00:18:06.85
chronic illness can be a
cause for loneliness, if someone
00:18:06.88\00:18:11.38
is shut in because
of injury or illness,
00:18:11.41\00:18:15.13
lack of purpose in our lives.
00:18:15.16\00:18:17.81
You know there are some
people that seem to have it all
00:18:18.13\00:18:21.01
and they maybe very wealthy
and have all that we would think
00:18:21.04\00:18:25.52
it should make their lives
happy but if they do not have
00:18:25.55\00:18:29.76
a purpose in their life they
can be very lonely individuals.
00:18:29.79\00:18:32.88
And of course, the greatest one
in some of these are actually
00:18:32.91\00:18:36.52
overlapping, but just that
inner emptiness, people who
00:18:36.55\00:18:41.56
are seeking something,
and I am a firm believer
00:18:41.60\00:18:45.80
that if you have a really
intimate relationship with Jesus
00:18:45.83\00:18:50.53
then you will
never be lonely again.
00:18:50.56\00:18:53.68
So we are going to be discussing
00:18:53.71\00:18:56.25
some ways to overcome
these causes of loneliness.
00:18:56.28\00:19:00.15
Coming up next, we'll introduce
you to yet another person,
00:19:00.18\00:19:02.84
that is trying to cope
with the feelings of loneliness.
00:19:02.87\00:19:05.86
So, please stay with
us, we'll be right back.
00:19:05.89\00:19:11.03
Are you alone?
00:19:15.86\00:19:17.19
Do you feel the emptiness
of being all alone even
00:19:17.38\00:19:20.04
when others are around?
00:19:20.07\00:19:21.66
If so, we have
just the book for you.
00:19:21.69\00:19:23.89
Find comfort as you read "Alone
Again" for your free gift.
00:19:23.92\00:19:27.72
Just write to us today.
00:19:27.75\00:19:29.88
Welcome back to Up Close.
00:19:57.96\00:19:59.46
Today we are talking about
how to cope with loneliness
00:19:59.49\00:20:01.88
and our next guest is Cecilia
Hudson from Wichita, Kansas.
00:20:01.91\00:20:06.30
Cecilia works at Wichita's State
University as an administrative
00:20:06.33\00:20:10.41
assistant in the
Engineering Department.
00:20:10.44\00:20:13.27
She's been a single mother
for the last 10 years and has
00:20:13.30\00:20:16.56
5 children, ages 11 to 25.
00:20:16.59\00:20:20.01
She, too, has struggled
with loneliness but for Cecilia
00:20:20.81\00:20:24.51
it started much
earlier in her life.
00:20:24.54\00:20:26.99
Here's what she shared with us.
00:20:27.02\00:20:29.27
Most of my life, as a child
- I came from a large family,
00:20:29.30\00:20:33.79
didn't get some of my
needs met and I was insecure and
00:20:33.82\00:20:37.73
as I grew up I've got
into a relationship that didn't
00:20:37.76\00:20:42.56
necessarily seek God's
guidance and I was lonely
00:20:42.60\00:20:47.87
in my marriage, I didn't have
a close, intimate relationship
00:20:48.78\00:20:53.06
and ended in divorce and now I'm
00:20:53.09\00:20:56.80
a single parent and have
been for about ten years and
00:20:56.83\00:21:00.85
it's hard at times to
know that you are by yourself
00:21:00.88\00:21:07.01
and my boys' father
passed when they were young,
00:21:07.09\00:21:10.89
so I am by myself and
it's even hard as an adult
00:21:10.92\00:21:15.69
with my parents sometimes,
I changed denominations when
00:21:15.72\00:21:21.41
I grew up with and I
felt alienated for a long time
00:21:21.44\00:21:24.94
from my family so I didn't have
00:21:24.97\00:21:27.82
a close group for support.
00:21:27.85\00:21:30.50
I know that through your
life pretty much everyone
00:21:31.69\00:21:37.24
has went through a lonely
phase and I've been married
00:21:37.27\00:21:40.92
and now I'm not but I
know even when I was married
00:21:40.95\00:21:44.30
I was lonely at times, didn't
have that emotional connection
00:21:44.33\00:21:48.30
with my spouse and I'm
sure many people out there
00:21:48.33\00:21:52.92
are in a spot where
they are lonely, mixed-up.
00:21:53.62\00:21:57.37
I remember when I was
married I would feel like
00:21:57.40\00:22:00.71
I need to talk about something
or needed some communication
00:22:00.74\00:22:05.47
and we were trying to
bring something up that bothered
00:22:05.50\00:22:08.67
me without attacking
and just wasn't happening,
00:22:08.70\00:22:12.98
we weren't communicating
and I just felt very alone,
00:22:13.62\00:22:16.87
I just felt trapped, like,
is this my fault I blamed myself
00:22:16.90\00:22:22.40
and I just didn't know what
to do, I felt alone and I wasn't
00:22:22.43\00:22:28.15
even the best parent I
could be because of that.
00:22:28.64\00:22:31.06
I had insecurities because
I wasn't getting my needs met
00:22:31.09\00:22:35.55
and unfortunately I didn't go
to the Lord soon enough for help
00:22:35.58\00:22:41.32
because He can change
anything miraculously.
00:22:41.40\00:22:46.06
That's a great summary of many
different touch points that you
00:22:47.11\00:22:51.63
talked about, really, and
defining or talking about people
00:22:51.66\00:22:55.13
that experienced loneliness,
you know the loss of a spouse,
00:22:55.16\00:22:58.94
being a single mom.
00:22:58.97\00:23:00.73
The other thing I think
that in the clip that we heard
00:23:00.94\00:23:04.06
was kind of an insight from
that time of marriage, where
00:23:04.09\00:23:07.35
people who are married are
having hard time sharing with us
00:23:07.38\00:23:09.86
or not wanting to, of course,
in front of others, saying:
00:23:09.89\00:23:12.58
"Here I am lonely right in
the midst of a relationship!"
00:23:12.61\00:23:15.14
And then again, I think,
Cecilia, what touched my heart
00:23:15.17\00:23:18.24
was that you said
that you've been lonely
00:23:18.27\00:23:20.26
since you were a child.
00:23:20.29\00:23:21.82
Often when we don't
have our emotional needs met
00:23:22.10\00:23:26.56
as a child, we grow up
with that inner emptiness.
00:23:26.59\00:23:30.18
It sounds like
that's what happened to you.
00:23:30.21\00:23:33.07
That's right?
00:23:33.10\00:23:34.33
Yes and I also have
fears that unknowingly I pass
00:23:34.45\00:23:38.26
that on to my
children, and that bothers me,
00:23:38.29\00:23:40.95
so it makes me
strive harder to find out
00:23:40.98\00:23:43.95
an answer and improve myself.
00:23:43.98\00:23:46.67
Cecilia, when we
talked, as well, you have made
00:23:46.85\00:23:51.15
some discoveries, some practical
ways that worked for you
00:23:51.18\00:23:54.48
in terms of overcoming
loneliness and Shirley also
00:23:54.51\00:23:56.85
when we talked with you,
you also had some practical
00:23:56.88\00:24:00.35
ways in terms of
overcoming loneliness.
00:24:00.38\00:24:02.58
So, maybe, Cecilia,
you can share a couple
00:24:02.61\00:24:04.81
of those that you were
taking with us earlier.
00:24:04.84\00:24:08.76
Yes one that I remember, after I
was a born again Christian went
00:24:08.79\00:24:14.36
to some conferences and I
was in a single support group
00:24:14.54\00:24:18.55
at the time and the
pastor mentioned how many people
00:24:18.58\00:24:23.36
are lonely out there
and depressed, don't feel
00:24:23.41\00:24:27.57
like they have a friend.
00:24:27.60\00:24:29.59
He talked about how
instead of thinking of yourself,
00:24:29.62\00:24:32.96
like: "Poor me!", and
you don't have anybody,
00:24:32.99\00:24:36.03
the real answer is to
reaching out to others and
00:24:36.06\00:24:39.58
being a good listener and being
friendly and getting involved
00:24:39.61\00:24:43.62
and before you know
it your own goes away
00:24:43.65\00:24:47.50
and you don't realize it.
00:24:47.92\00:24:50.12
Yes, and we're gonna come
back to that and, Shirley,
00:24:50.15\00:24:52.97
there were several ways
that you shared with us,
00:24:53.00\00:24:56.08
that you were
coping with loneliness.
00:24:56.11\00:24:59.02
One of the main things
is I'm a very outdoor person
00:24:59.05\00:25:02.94
and I love being out in
the yard and so the dirtier
00:25:02.97\00:25:07.77
my hands get the happier I am.
00:25:07.97\00:25:10.78
But then about a year
ago I had a major melanoma
00:25:10.87\00:25:13.37
and that shut that off,
and it was really hard on me,
00:25:13.40\00:25:17.81
and I've prayed a lot
about it and the Lord says:
00:25:17.84\00:25:21.02
"You know, you can be nocturnal
you can follow the shade!"
00:25:21.05\00:25:24.23
and so that's what I do.
00:25:24.26\00:25:26.12
So, you went outside still,
but you're working in the shade.
00:25:26.15\00:25:28.15
Right.
00:25:28.18\00:25:29.15
Those are very practical things
that have helped in some ways,
00:25:29.16\00:25:32.69
and I know you have some
other things and we wanna
00:25:32.72\00:25:35.01
come back to that, but
Shelley, you have also some
00:25:35.04\00:25:37.43
practical ways you were sharing
with me as dealt in counseling
00:25:37.46\00:25:40.65
with many lonely people, that
you wanted to share as well.
00:25:40.68\00:25:43.88
Well, and I think our
ladies touched on many of them
00:25:43.91\00:25:48.34
in just that
short point of time.
00:25:48.37\00:25:50.46
I'd like to give you
five main points on how
00:25:50.49\00:25:53.49
to overcome loneliness.
00:25:53.52\00:25:55.37
And the first one is
through group activities.
00:25:55.40\00:25:59.60
I wanna say this in a
very sensitive way, because
00:25:59.72\00:26:03.89
when you are lonely you
have such pain and I don't want
00:26:03.92\00:26:08.10
anyone to feel like I'm pointing
a finger, but loneliness
00:26:08.13\00:26:11.85
has a lot to do with
focusing on ourselves.
00:26:11.88\00:26:15.89
And we are gonna talk
about the second category,
00:26:16.86\00:26:20.01
about volunteering and
helping others, but one of the
00:26:20.04\00:26:23.42
worst things that you can
do, if you are feeling lonely
00:26:23.45\00:26:26.88
is to stay in an
isolated condition,
00:26:26.91\00:26:28.92
so for example for Shirley,
00:26:28.95\00:26:31.47
one thing that is very
good if you have gone through
00:26:31.51\00:26:35.97
the death of a loved one,
go to a grief recovery course,
00:26:36.00\00:26:40.57
go find other people in a
support group, and you mentioned
00:26:40.60\00:26:44.40
as well, Cecilia, that you went
to one of these types of groups.
00:26:44.43\00:26:48.81
This is very helpful to be
able to talk about, it's natural
00:26:48.84\00:26:53.72
to feel lonely after you've
lost a loved one even through
00:26:53.75\00:26:56.87
death or divorce, but
you wanna get out where you
00:26:56.90\00:26:59.56
can talk with others about this.
00:26:59.59\00:27:01.80
If you're new in town, you know,
that's another kind of natural
00:27:01.83\00:27:05.49
loneliness, it's like you were
talking about going to Europe,
00:27:05.52\00:27:08.01
where you don't know anyone
and don't know the language.
00:27:08.04\00:27:11.00
When you're new in
town, check out the churches,
00:27:11.03\00:27:14.00
join a church
group, join a health club,
00:27:14.03\00:27:16.51
join Toastmasters, join
something, you have to get out
00:27:16.54\00:27:21.43
you can't keep yourself
boxed in and sit and have
00:27:21.92\00:27:26.19
a little pity party
about your loneliness,
00:27:26.22\00:27:28.42
you need to get out
and reach out to others.
00:27:28.45\00:27:31.23
Take classes, you can take
art classes, music classes,
00:27:31.26\00:27:34.49
join a quilting club there's all
kinds of things that you can do.
00:27:34.52\00:27:38.69
And perhaps if you have a talent
like you're a good pianist,
00:27:38.72\00:27:42.31
offer to give piano lessons.
00:27:42.34\00:27:44.87
And in something that
you mentioned, Shirley,
00:27:45.36\00:27:48.17
was exercise,
getting out of the house.
00:27:48.20\00:27:50.82
I would recommend for
someone who's lonely, exercise
00:27:50.85\00:27:54.48
would do two things: number one,
if you get out of the house,
00:27:54.51\00:27:57.94
and say you're a walker, if you
walk where a lot of people walk,
00:27:57.97\00:28:02.08
pretty soon you'll pick up
a walking buddy, most likely.
00:28:02.11\00:28:04.67
Have you ever noticed
that people start walking along
00:28:04.70\00:28:07.44
the track and the next day you
go by you see the two of them
00:28:07.47\00:28:10.67
joined together.
00:28:10.70\00:28:12.12
But walking does something
to help our brain develop
00:28:12.52\00:28:16.10
exercise, fresh air, sunlight,
helps our brain develop
00:28:16.13\00:28:20.80
more serotonin and we have
these things going on in us
00:28:20.83\00:28:25.82
and that makes us happier.
00:28:26.34\00:28:28.73
Volunteer, the second category
is, volunteer to help others.
00:28:29.15\00:28:34.18
You can do this
through community services.
00:28:34.21\00:28:37.18
My sister, Dawn,
called me, she was in Chicago,
00:28:37.21\00:28:38.91
didn't know anyone,
00:28:38.94\00:28:40.95
she was so lonesome, she
called whining every day:
00:28:41.03\00:28:45.36
"I'm so lonesome,
I am so lonesome!"
00:28:45.39\00:28:48.79
I should say, she didn't
know anyone, she was married,
00:28:48.88\00:28:52.24
her husband worked a lot
of hours and finally about
00:28:52.27\00:28:56.09
the third or fourth day
this was going on I told her:
00:28:56.12\00:28:59.74
"Honey, your focus is so
much on yourself, if you wanna
00:28:59.77\00:29:02.83
overcome this loneliness,
what you need to do is go down
00:29:02.86\00:29:07.62
to the Salvation
Army and volunteer,
00:29:07.65\00:29:10.36
help people that are
hungry, help the homeless".
00:29:10.39\00:29:14.75
And when she did that
suddenly two days later she
00:29:15.36\00:29:19.48
called me back, and
said: "I'm not lonely anymore."
00:29:19.51\00:29:22.04
So, when we get our
focus off of ourselves
00:29:22.07\00:29:24.99
this is something that helps.
00:29:25.02\00:29:26.71
I wanna bring out,
that, Shirley, you shared how
00:29:26.74\00:29:28.84
you started to do
those volunteer things.
00:29:28.87\00:29:30.63
What kind of
things did you get into?
00:29:30.66\00:29:32.64
Well, because of my health
I'm not dependable so I have to
00:29:32.67\00:29:36.19
do things on my own time and
our church has a little school
00:29:36.22\00:29:40.97
and I pay the bills for the
school and help in the library,
00:29:41.00\00:29:44.89
have a little
great granddaughter
00:29:44.92\00:29:47.55
that I take care
of, once in a while
00:29:47.58\00:29:49.52
I see a big smile on your face!
00:29:49.55\00:29:52.19
Yes, and I have a lot
of friends and I've had
00:29:52.22\00:29:56.54
a wonderful support
group for many, many years.
00:29:56.57\00:29:59.07
It's a little baby and
getting involved, you know,
00:29:59.10\00:30:02.27
I was in a restaurant
today with some of the crew
00:30:02.30\00:30:06.37
here from Up Close and
they were, we got together,
00:30:06.40\00:30:11.02
this is one of the last
tappings of these segments that
00:30:11.19\00:30:14.92
we are working on, and I
had my little baby with me
00:30:14.95\00:30:17.30
and you know, I was able
to talk to complete strangers.
00:30:17.33\00:30:20.50
I just took my baby along, and
they started talking to the baby
00:30:20.53\00:30:23.68
and really breaks down
the barriers, doesn't it?
00:30:23.71\00:30:26.18
Now, Cecilia, one thing
that Shelley was sharing was
00:30:26.21\00:30:28.75
these social groups and when
you and I talked you found that
00:30:28.78\00:30:32.47
that was helpful but
you also had a caution for
00:30:32.50\00:30:35.27
single people that
were going to social groups.
00:30:35.30\00:30:38.35
Yes, I've been to probably
three over the years and
00:30:38.38\00:30:43.29
what I've found so many
of them turned into like
00:30:43.91\00:30:46.49
a social club or they go
and wanna have fun or they try
00:30:46.52\00:30:50.59
to find a date or a mate and
I've got uncomfortable with that
00:30:50.62\00:30:54.93
because for me that's
not the reason I'm going and
00:30:54.96\00:30:58.93
I wished they were more
like, "How can I be a strong,
00:30:58.96\00:31:03.89
Godly mom, or woman!"
and focus on my relationship
00:31:03.92\00:31:07.86
with the Lord because
that ultimately is where
00:31:07.89\00:31:10.87
you really find
the security and peace.
00:31:10.90\00:31:14.46
And helping others
go through the pain that
00:31:14.49\00:31:17.49
you've come out of,
you know, you can relate
00:31:17.52\00:31:20.49
what they went
through and it seems like
00:31:20.52\00:31:23.46
there should be more
support in reaching out instead
00:31:23.49\00:31:26.44
of just how can
we have a good time.
00:31:26.47\00:31:28.40
I think that's a
good caution, isn't it?
00:31:28.43\00:31:30.29
It is, and I think there's a
great point here, a social group
00:31:30.32\00:31:34.07
if you're going to group
recovery this is something
00:31:34.10\00:31:36.85
very different than the
need that you're discussing.
00:31:36.88\00:31:40.03
There are times, and
we'll get to that point here,
00:31:40.06\00:31:42.48
in just a moment, where
we need to be looking for
00:31:42.51\00:31:45.56
the type of spiritual
fulfillment and nurturing that
00:31:45.59\00:31:49.24
will bring us
closer to the Lord.
00:31:49.27\00:31:51.54
But, one more thing that I
wanted to hit on the volunteer,
00:31:51.57\00:31:54.63
because some people say:
"Oh, I don't really think that
00:31:54.66\00:31:57.78
I want to go feed the hungry
or volunteer at the hospital
00:31:57.81\00:32:00.88
or go to the nursing
home and visit the shut-ins!"
00:32:00.91\00:32:04.90
But you can run
errands, you know men can run
00:32:04.93\00:32:08.66
errands for shot-ins,
you can mentor someone
00:32:08.69\00:32:11.92
Thank you for that
vote of confidence!
00:32:11.95\00:32:14.50
Become a big
brother or a big sister
00:32:14.53\00:32:18.09
If you're retired and
if you've lost a spouse
00:32:18.44\00:32:22.18
and you retired and you
have business experience
00:32:22.21\00:32:24.67
then you can mentor
someone in a start-up business,
00:32:24.70\00:32:27.80
start an incubator, get
some other people together
00:32:27.83\00:32:31.07
with you and offer
to help in some way.
00:32:31.10\00:32:34.07
The whole point, be a
surrogate grandparent,
00:32:34.10\00:32:37.02
the whole point is, when
we quit focusing on ourselves
00:32:37.05\00:32:41.91
and begin focusing on service
to others that loneliness
00:32:42.17\00:32:46.68
just dissipates, it's
like a black cloud goes away.
00:32:46.71\00:32:51.18
Yes, I think
keeping people busy too;
00:32:51.21\00:32:53.35
I mean that, exactly as
you were saying yourself
00:32:53.38\00:32:55.19
and others, my mother
is kinda a master of that
00:32:55.22\00:32:58.00
with my father, cause
he's now retired, I think
00:32:58.03\00:33:00.54
that's another time of
loneliness, people worked
00:33:00.57\00:33:02.34
the whole life to have a
focus and different things
00:33:02.37\00:33:05.01
and then if some of
those opportunities shut down
00:33:05.04\00:33:07.35
then they kind of shut
down, and so, you know, just
00:33:07.38\00:33:11.84
a little idea and now
my dad is running all over,
00:33:11.88\00:33:15.77
taking people here and
there, different things and
00:33:15.80\00:33:18.28
then his focus has
completely changed.
00:33:18.31\00:33:20.75
Absolutely, and you know, you
mentioned the baby in your arms
00:33:20.78\00:33:23.16
and how easy it
was to meet people.
00:33:23.19\00:33:25.30
I had a friend who was
so desperately lonely after
00:33:25.33\00:33:27.88
the death of her
sister, that it took two years,
00:33:27.91\00:33:31.54
she was really getting
into a deep depression,
00:33:31.57\00:33:34.46
and I kept telling her:
"Get a puppy, get a puppy!"
00:33:34.49\00:33:37.98
And when she got a
puppy, and would start walking
00:33:38.01\00:33:40.71
this puppy, she took it
out on the leash she started
00:33:40.74\00:33:44.43
meeting other people
but also the puppy needed
00:33:44.46\00:33:47.12
her care and suddenly her
focus was on something else.
00:33:47.15\00:33:50.24
It was a lot of company for her.
00:33:50.27\00:33:52.72
So, that's something
that, if you wanna be careful.
00:33:52.75\00:33:57.45
- Don't get a
Great Dane, get a puppy!
00:33:57.51\00:34:00.01
I had a lady once who
had a Great Dane, the thing
00:34:00.04\00:34:03.08
took off and drug her
down the road and then
00:34:03.11\00:34:05.41
she was so injured, she came
into the emergency department
00:34:05.44\00:34:07.42
and she met a lot of people,
00:34:07.45\00:34:08.76
but, that's
probably not the way, right?
00:34:08.79\00:34:10.12
Start out small, and if you have
00:34:10.15\00:34:12.42
a big dog, keep
it on short leash.
00:34:12.45\00:34:14.65
Now, you have some other
things here: volunteer to help
00:34:14.68\00:34:16.64
others and then
the next one you were.
00:34:16.67\00:34:19.21
The third category is, invest
in your relationship with God
00:34:19.24\00:34:22.51
and the church and I
think Cecilia, this is,
00:34:22.54\00:34:25.28
when you went to a group that
was helping you in recovery.
00:34:25.31\00:34:29.54
When it gets to that
point of being in a social club,
00:34:29.57\00:34:32.23
you needed something more.
00:34:32.26\00:34:34.18
It's time that you
become active, go to church,
00:34:34.21\00:34:37.45
get involved with your
church in a Bible study group.
00:34:37.48\00:34:40.40
And I wanted to play off these
two with Cecilia and Shirley...
00:34:40.43\00:34:45.34
Shirley, you told me
that one of the benefits
00:34:45.37\00:34:48.56
of your time alone was
some of these very things
00:34:48.59\00:34:51.88
You remember?
00:34:51.91\00:34:53.09
Why don't you tell us
a little bit about that?
00:34:53.45\00:34:56.98
You said, as you were
in that time of loneliness
00:34:57.01\00:35:00.06
you finally begin to
read the Bible a little more.
00:35:00.09\00:35:03.72
I did wanna say though,
that I'm a do getter, and I've,
00:35:03.75\00:35:07.07
in the past, had volunteered
a lot of things of church
00:35:07.10\00:35:10.34
and I think that's one
thing that's hard on me too,
00:35:10.37\00:35:12.42
is the fact that I can't
be the do gooder I used to be.
00:35:12.45\00:35:15.51
But I was telling pastor
Don that I've been a Christian
00:35:15.54\00:35:20.21
all my life and I
really thought that I knew God
00:35:20.24\00:35:22.93
but after all of our
illnesses I've found out
00:35:22.96\00:35:26.46
that wasn't true and so,
you know, I start reading
00:35:26.49\00:35:30.51
the Bible and watching
3ABN and now I know that
00:35:30.54\00:35:35.65
I'm saved and if
it takes ill health
00:35:36.68\00:35:40.10
to learn to know the Lord
then that's what it takes.
00:35:40.13\00:35:43.92
And, Cecilia, I think as
well, you also talked about
00:35:43.95\00:35:48.41
how in these times of
loneliness you developed
00:35:48.44\00:35:52.17
a relationship
with the Lord in a way.
00:35:52.20\00:35:55.20
Yes, that's really what keeps
me going, because there're times
00:35:55.23\00:35:59.09
I'm so busy with
responsibilities and the kids
00:35:59.12\00:36:01.80
at home and my grand-daughter
who lives with me right now,
00:36:01.83\00:36:04.85
so with the full time job
and all I just don't have time
00:36:04.88\00:36:08.89
to get out and exercise,
have a social life at all,
00:36:08.92\00:36:11.66
so I don't do things that
I should make more time for,
00:36:11.69\00:36:16.29
but one thing that I've
found that is the most important
00:36:16.32\00:36:18.95
is my devotion study.
00:36:18.98\00:36:20.90
If I get away from
my study or my prayer
00:36:20.96\00:36:24.74
I don't feel at
peace, is the same,
00:36:24.77\00:36:28.98
and I start
thinking of... more lost
00:36:29.01\00:36:33.20
You also told me, that you
have that peace, but you also
00:36:33.82\00:36:36.15
developed
confidence to talk to people.
00:36:36.18\00:36:39.58
Right, I'm very quiet
and it's very hard to know me
00:36:39.61\00:36:42.85
but if I'm really
focusing on my devotion and
00:36:42.88\00:36:45.81
working on me and that
relationship with the Lord,
00:36:45.84\00:36:49.46
I seem to be more secure
and I can more easily open up.
00:36:49.49\00:36:54.21
Hebrews 13:5, Jesus
said: "Never will I leave you,
00:36:54.24\00:36:58.70
never will I forsake you!"
00:36:58.73\00:37:00.38
I think for me, I grew up
in a very dysfunctional family
00:37:00.41\00:37:02.91
and I understand the
pain you're talking about,
00:37:02.94\00:37:07.09
about being a lonely
child, because my father
00:37:07.12\00:37:10.79
was killed at six, my
mother was manic-depressive,
00:37:10.82\00:37:14.18
she also became an alcoholic
and we had a white elephant
00:37:14.21\00:37:17.68
in the living room that we
weren't allowed to talk about.
00:37:17.71\00:37:20.80
Do you know what I mean?
00:37:20.83\00:37:22.78
When you're hiding a
problem, we weren't allowed
00:37:22.81\00:37:25.69
to discuss this beyond our
home borders and there's things
00:37:25.72\00:37:29.65
that children can
grow up and be very lonely,
00:37:29.68\00:37:33.00
but this is something,
as you mentioned, Shirley,
00:37:33.03\00:37:36.01
about being a do
gooder and now can't.
00:37:36.04\00:37:38.30
There's always
something that we can do.
00:37:38.33\00:37:40.92
If you are a shut-in,
what you can do is write
00:37:40.95\00:37:44.58
cards of encouragement,
if someone is grieving
00:37:44.61\00:37:48.23
over the loss of a loved
one or they are celebrating
00:37:48.26\00:37:51.03
the birth of a child, there's
things that we can all do.
00:37:51.06\00:37:55.32
We can become Angels of mercy,
putting together disaster relief
00:37:55.35\00:37:59.03
baskets, anything that we
can do to reach out to others.
00:37:59.06\00:38:03.14
But as Cecilia was
saying, Don, for me the most
00:38:03.17\00:38:05.83
important thing in overcoming
my loneliness was having
00:38:05.86\00:38:10.70
a very intimate, personal
relationship with Jesus Christ.
00:38:10.82\00:38:15.88
Right now, I've spent; I
have a very public ministry,
00:38:15.91\00:38:19.24
so I'm with people quit a bit.
00:38:19.27\00:38:21.72
The times that I am
alone, which sometimes...
00:38:21.75\00:38:24.49
I've just went
through a two month period
00:38:24.52\00:38:26.18
of writing a book,
my husband was gone,
00:38:26.21\00:38:29.50
I was alone except on
Sabbaths for two months.
00:38:29.53\00:38:33.62
Never was I lonely, one moment.
00:38:33.72\00:38:37.24
It was a time of
solitude, which is completely
00:38:37.27\00:38:40.54
different then that
time of feeling isolated.
00:38:40.57\00:38:44.64
It looks the same, I
was isolated, but in my mind
00:38:44.67\00:38:50.09
"godliness with
contentment is great gain".
00:38:50.12\00:38:53.43
I pray for a divine awareness
of God's presence in my life.
00:38:53.46\00:38:58.95
You think that's
the key in many ways.
00:39:00.61\00:39:03.13
There are some
people that are lonely,
00:39:03.16\00:39:04.84
just because they
don't take a shower.
00:39:04.87\00:39:07.62
Well, that is my next category.
00:39:07.65\00:39:09.71
Isn't it right: bad breath,
don't take a shower, uncapped.
00:39:09.74\00:39:12.89
You know what they say:
"Halitosis is better then
00:39:12.92\00:39:14.97
no breath at all!"
00:39:15.00\00:39:16.59
Right!
00:39:16.62\00:39:17.59
One thing, the
forth category is.
00:39:17.60\00:39:20.52
I don't know they said that,
00:39:20.55\00:39:22.09
but I'm so glad I know that now.
00:39:22.12\00:39:23.93
But some people,
really they turn people off.
00:39:23.96\00:39:26.57
The forth category is: invest
in developing social skills.
00:39:26.60\00:39:31.97
My aunt is 80 years
old and she is so active,
00:39:33.01\00:39:36.78
she's very active in her
church, she's very involved
00:39:36.81\00:39:40.64
with her family, she exercises
every day, she never has
00:39:40.67\00:39:45.69
a lonely moment, even
though she is a widow and
00:39:46.39\00:39:49.75
she was widowed several
years ago, but she's so giving,
00:39:49.78\00:39:52.63
so outgoing, and her
cousin, who's the same age,
00:39:52.66\00:39:55.23
called her and said: "I'm so
lonely, my kids just don't come
00:39:55.26\00:39:59.80
to see me, they don't call!"
00:39:59.83\00:40:02.46
And the Lord graciously
led my aunt and opened the door
00:40:02.71\00:40:06.83
for her to talk about
the reason they don't.
00:40:06.86\00:40:10.55
She encouraged her
to be more positive,
00:40:10.58\00:40:13.07
because this poor woman
was driving off her children,
00:40:13.10\00:40:17.30
she was driving off her family.
00:40:17.33\00:40:19.36
By what? She was talking
about negative things, or what!
00:40:19.39\00:40:21.54
She was negative,
negative, negative.
00:40:21.57\00:40:23.76
Complaining,
complaining, complaining.
00:40:23.79\00:40:26.64
If you sense, sincerely sense
that people are avoiding you,
00:40:26.67\00:40:32.02
people are shutting you
out, what I recommend is finding
00:40:32.09\00:40:37.01
someone that you trust and
go to them with prayer and say:
00:40:37.04\00:40:43.01
Why are people avoiding me?
00:40:44.09\00:40:45.90
And ask them: "What
is it about me that seems
00:40:45.93\00:40:50.31
to make people
want to avoid me?"
00:40:50.40\00:40:53.05
You need the prayer,
because you gonna get
00:40:53.08\00:40:54.92
upset when they
tell you, probably.
00:40:54.95\00:40:56.67
You want not to
react defensively.
00:40:56.70\00:40:59.32
There are some people and
I've actually counseled with
00:40:59.35\00:41:02.38
a person who was a
great gossip, very critical,
00:41:02.41\00:41:06.38
every comment that
came out of his mouth
00:41:06.41\00:41:09.32
was very negative,
and he was wondering
00:41:09.35\00:41:12.75
why no-one
wanted to be his friend.
00:41:12.78\00:41:15.02
Shelley, you let
him in on a secret?
00:41:15.05\00:41:16.93
I've let him in on a secret.
00:41:16.96\00:41:19.26
We've got to
examine ourselves sometimes
00:41:19.29\00:41:22.67
and see if our
loneliness is self induced.
00:41:23.14\00:41:26.68
He's still your friend?
00:41:26.71\00:41:28.54
Absolutely, as a matter
of fact, the Bible says that:
00:41:28.57\00:41:31.38
"The wounds of a friend
00:41:31.41\00:41:32.78
are better then the
kisses of an enemy".
00:41:32.81\00:41:35.82
And if someone does come
to you and ask that question,
00:41:35.85\00:41:40.73
you want to be very
loving as you were giving them
00:41:40.76\00:41:44.70
the advice and I always
use myself as an example,
00:41:44.73\00:41:48.31
because I can put myself in
just about any example and say:
00:41:48.34\00:41:51.31
"I've done this myself before,
and this is what I've found."
00:41:51.34\00:41:55.41
So it is very
important that you do something
00:41:55.44\00:41:58.92
to invest in
developing social skills.
00:41:58.95\00:42:01.92
We have about one minute, and
00:42:01.95\00:42:04.34
you have, I think,
two other suggestions.
00:42:04.37\00:42:06.33
See, if you can
summarize those in one minute.
00:42:06.36\00:42:08.14
I think, I can do
that very quickly.
00:42:08.17\00:42:10.29
Number five point,
is become friendly.
00:42:10.32\00:42:13.52
You've got to be a
friend to have a friend.
00:42:13.55\00:42:15.89
Proverbs 18: 24 says:
"A man who has friends,
00:42:15.92\00:42:20.09
himself must be friendly."
00:42:20.17\00:42:22.51
You have to open up, smile,
00:42:23.17\00:42:25.49
remember people's
first names, listen,
00:42:25.52\00:42:28.90
become a good communicator.
00:42:29.36\00:42:31.48
If you want someone to open up
to you, ask questions and listen
00:42:31.51\00:42:35.93
They're gonna love you, people
love to talk about themselves.
00:42:35.96\00:42:39.53
So, you've got to reach out, let
others know on holidays that:
00:42:39.56\00:42:45.29
"I'm not doing anything,
do you know anyone else
00:42:45.32\00:42:47.84
in your church, in the
neighborhood, who's not
00:42:47.87\00:42:51.06
because I would like to
get a group of us together
00:42:51.09\00:42:53.47
so we can celebrate
the holidays together,
00:42:53.50\00:42:56.09
either have a pot-luck or maybe
go down, feed the homeless."
00:42:56.12\00:42:59.82
So it's very important that
what we've got to do is look
00:42:59.85\00:43:05.15
to others, seek counseling,
ask someone that you trust:
00:43:05.31\00:43:09.95
"What can I do to
overcome this loneliness?"
00:43:09.98\00:43:12.42
Because if you don't,
that loneliness can lead you
00:43:12.45\00:43:16.25
into depression, or,
as in Cecilia's case,
00:43:16.28\00:43:19.32
when she was young,
it can lead you into
00:43:19.35\00:43:22.46
destructive relationships,
where you are trying to fill
00:43:22.49\00:43:25.82
the void within with
all the wrong things.
00:43:25.85\00:43:28.68
Coming up next, we
will take some questions
00:43:28.71\00:43:30.86
from our live audience,
so please stay with us.
00:43:30.89\00:43:35.22
Next week on Up Close.
00:43:39.78\00:43:41.57
We have some very special
guests with us today, in fact,
00:43:41.60\00:43:44.11
we have two families who
have gone through the tragedy
00:43:44.14\00:43:46.89
of losing a loved one, Mike
MacKinnon from Tampa, Florida.
00:43:46.92\00:43:50.68
Mike has been a
bicker for most of his life.
00:43:50.71\00:43:53.15
He lived a lifestyle
that was not the healthiest.
00:43:53.18\00:43:55.93
But you never, never
prepare for your child
00:43:55.96\00:44:00.08
He was old
enough to grasp: "Mommy,
00:44:01.00\00:44:03.85
people with cancer
die, when will daddy die?"
00:44:03.88\00:44:08.00
This Saturday on Up Close.
00:44:08.92\00:44:11.31
Don't miss it.
00:44:11.99\00:44:14.97
Welcome back to Up Close.
00:44:21.95\00:44:24.88
We are talking today about
how to cope with the feelings of
00:44:24.91\00:44:26.71
loneliness and we are
going to take some questions
00:44:26.74\00:44:29.30
from our audience.
00:44:29.33\00:44:30.91
Welcome to Up Close.
00:44:30.94\00:44:32.84
What's your name and
what's your question, please?
00:44:33.40\00:44:35.79
Phil.
00:44:35.82\00:44:36.79
Sometimes it seems like
lonely people come to church
00:44:37.39\00:44:39.84
so that they won't be so lonely.
00:44:39.87\00:44:41.67
What are some symptoms
and signs we can look for,
00:44:41.70\00:44:44.89
to make sure we
recognize those lonely people
00:44:44.92\00:44:47.91
to fill their needs?
00:44:47.94\00:44:49.69
Well, Phil, was it?
00:44:49.72\00:44:51.64
It's sometimes very
difficult to recognize
00:44:52.52\00:44:55.89
a lonely person,
because so many of us come
00:44:55.92\00:44:59.68
into a group setting and
we have a mask on and we use
00:44:59.71\00:45:03.85
verbal camouflage and pride
00:45:03.88\00:45:05.80
could be keeping someone
from really speaking out.
00:45:05.83\00:45:09.92
What we need to do is
number one: treat everybody
00:45:09.95\00:45:14.39
as if their heart is breaking,
because it probably is.
00:45:14.42\00:45:19.36
You know, there's times when
some people are very lovable
00:45:19.39\00:45:23.70
and they attract us, and
some people aren't very lovable
00:45:23.73\00:45:26.98
and they may repell us.
00:45:27.01\00:45:29.06
But, what we need to do, and
particularly within the church
00:45:29.15\00:45:33.34
and within the community,
the church needs to reach out.
00:45:33.37\00:45:37.06
If you know someone
has recently been widowed
00:45:37.09\00:45:41.21
or widower, then you
need to reach out, invite them
00:45:41.75\00:45:45.93
for fellowship, invite
them over after church,
00:45:45.96\00:45:50.11
invite them to come to
some of your holiday meals.
00:45:50.53\00:45:53.99
If you know someone, who
has been recently divorced, you
00:45:54.02\00:45:57.25
really need to be ministering;
we're speaking during the break.
00:45:57.28\00:46:01.61
Children, when parents divorce
early, children have this
00:46:01.64\00:46:07.98
loneliness that they sometimes
grow up with, so we need
00:46:08.08\00:46:12.56
to reach out not only to
the one who's in our church,
00:46:12.59\00:46:17.42
who is divorced
but to their children.
00:46:17.45\00:46:19.69
We need for the community,
the church needs to reach out
00:46:19.72\00:46:24.87
to help recovering drug addicts,
00:46:25.08\00:46:27.95
they don't know how
to even act in social;
00:46:28.10\00:46:31.51
you know, we were talking
about, developing social skills;
00:46:31.54\00:46:34.28
they don't know how
to act around people.
00:46:34.31\00:46:37.21
We need to reach
out in so many ways.
00:46:37.24\00:46:40.17
So, what you're saying is,
00:46:40.20\00:46:41.71
act as though
everybody is lonely.
00:46:41.74\00:46:43.18
Act, as if everybody is lonely.
00:46:43.21\00:46:45.48
So, when anybody comes
in, no matter if the pastor
00:46:45.51\00:46:49.60
or parishioner to say:
"You know, I'm gonna ministry
00:46:49.63\00:46:52.89
this person as though no
one else has talked to them."
00:46:52.92\00:46:55.47
Absolutely!
00:46:55.50\00:46:56.63
Let me say something about that.
00:46:56.88\00:46:58.24
I used to work with a group of
emergency department physicians;
00:46:58.27\00:47:00.57
seven of them, very
highly trained, you know,
00:47:00.60\00:47:02.87
professionals,
then other physicians.
00:47:02.90\00:47:04.32
You would think they
had everything, you know,
00:47:04.35\00:47:06.25
in terms of their profession
and different things, but
00:47:06.28\00:47:08.67
I can remember going into
their cubical, where they sat
00:47:08.70\00:47:11.95
in between patients after
they had just a few moments,
00:47:11.98\00:47:14.94
and I remember one day
I've asked one of them,
00:47:14.97\00:47:17.42
very excellent doctor,
different things I've said.
00:47:17.45\00:47:19.49
I just basically asked
him, I said: "Are you lonely?"
00:47:19.52\00:47:23.19
I've got to know
him better at that time.
00:47:23.22\00:47:25.66
And he just opened up
and said: "I'm the most
00:47:25.69\00:47:27.44
lonely person you'll ever meet!"
00:47:27.47\00:47:29.06
You would never thought that,
but I think that's a good rule
00:47:29.09\00:47:33.25
to treat everybody as
though they are lonely.
00:47:33.28\00:47:37.40
We have another question.
00:47:37.76\00:47:38.97
What's your name and
what's your question?
00:47:39.00\00:47:40.62
My name is Joyce, and I wanted
to know what kind of activities
00:47:40.65\00:47:44.82
can a church provide to help
the lonely and the congregation?
00:47:44.85\00:47:49.41
What you can do is
sponsor grief recovery courses,
00:47:49.44\00:47:54.05
sponsor single mom
courses, some of the things that
00:47:54.08\00:47:57.58
Cecilia mentioned that she
wanted and needed, when you
00:47:57.61\00:48:01.11
were going through
this, how to be a better mom,
00:48:01.14\00:48:04.06
how to be a more godly
parent and raise godly children,
00:48:04.09\00:48:08.52
or just, if you know, start
a sewing circle that you are
00:48:08.55\00:48:14.03
going to produce goods that you
are gonna give to the homeless
00:48:14.10\00:48:17.90
or you're gonna
send for disaster relief.
00:48:17.93\00:48:20.37
There's so many ways that you
can reach out to people within
00:48:20.40\00:48:24.81
your church and
find out the needs.
00:48:24.84\00:48:27.90
You know who's one
of the loneliest groups
00:48:27.93\00:48:30.28
in many churches?
00:48:30.31\00:48:32.43
Who would you guess?
00:48:32.46\00:48:34.32
Teen-agers.
00:48:34.35\00:48:35.36
There's not enough in the
church for teen-agers to do.
00:48:36.29\00:48:39.71
They come to church and they
hear great messages but nobody
00:48:39.74\00:48:44.05
is using their talents, nobody
is acknowledging the things,
00:48:44.08\00:48:48.62
the many pressures
that they face in the world,
00:48:48.65\00:48:51.90
so you need to get
teen-agers more involved,
00:48:51.94\00:48:55.15
give them special
assignments teach them how to do
00:48:55.18\00:49:00.41
special worship, teach
them how to give a devotional,
00:49:00.45\00:49:05.68
send out a flyer in the church,
00:49:05.71\00:49:10.26
in your bulletin,
asking: "What kind of topics
00:49:10.29\00:49:13.79
would you like to see here?
00:49:13.82\00:49:16.24
What kind of groups?
00:49:16.91\00:49:18.77
What are your needs?
00:49:18.86\00:49:20.55
Are we meeting the needs or
are we just doing what we've
00:49:20.58\00:49:24.66
always been doing, year after
year, decade after decade?"
00:49:24.69\00:49:29.82
When the whole
complexion of the church
00:49:30.16\00:49:32.47
has changed because
our world has changed.
00:49:32.50\00:49:34.97
We have another question.
00:49:35.00\00:49:36.33
What's your name and
what's your question?
00:49:36.36\00:49:38.00
I'm Cindy Seward, and in
relation to the other questions
00:49:38.03\00:49:41.87
what are the different
masks of loneliness and
00:49:41.90\00:49:45.05
is pride and arrogance a mask?
00:49:45.08\00:49:47.82
Absolutely, pride
and arrogance is a mask.
00:49:48.17\00:49:51.30
People become very...
what we have to remember is,
00:49:51.33\00:49:55.14
if someone is empty on the
inside, I wanna take this doctor
00:49:55.17\00:49:59.15
for example, they can
be driving a Mercedes Benz,
00:49:59.18\00:50:02.99
they can have a great
position, a great career,
00:50:03.02\00:50:07.12
you might be surprised to
find that in your churches
00:50:07.15\00:50:12.89
there may be a family that
seems to be a model family,
00:50:12.92\00:50:17.96
it may be a pastor and his
wife, the pastor's wife may be
00:50:18.01\00:50:22.58
so lonely, because the husband
is investing all of his time
00:50:22.61\00:50:27.88
ministering to other needs,
others' needs, and doesn't have
00:50:27.91\00:50:31.55
any time to minister to hers.
00:50:31.58\00:50:33.91
So the masks, I believe is
that most people, who act in
00:50:33.94\00:50:38.98
a gruff fashion, most
people who put you off,
00:50:39.18\00:50:43.01
there's that inner emptiness
within and it is a mask,
00:50:43.04\00:50:47.09
and it makes it difficult
to love, but if we recognize
00:50:47.12\00:50:51.36
that their heart is breaking
and they're just not showing it,
00:50:51.39\00:50:55.44
then that's the people we
need to reach out to the most.
00:50:55.47\00:50:59.18
You know, one
thing about loneliness,
00:50:59.21\00:51:01.04
there is no age limit.
00:51:01.07\00:51:04.43
We know of children in Romania,
the babies in the cribs,
00:51:04.46\00:51:09.71
in orphanages, that
are not being cradled,
00:51:10.17\00:51:13.65
they are not being
nurtured, they are not having
00:51:14.51\00:51:16.53
their physical,
emotional needs met.
00:51:16.56\00:51:19.39
These children developed
a syndrome of isolation
00:51:19.42\00:51:23.73
to where it's hard
to minister to them.
00:51:23.79\00:51:27.88
So we can go from the cradle
to the grave, that there are
00:51:27.93\00:51:32.42
lonely people of every age group
and we need to pray and say:
00:51:32.45\00:51:37.12
"Lord, help us to recognize
who's lonely, not only within
00:51:37.15\00:51:40.99
my church", but Cecilia had
mentioned, there are so many
00:51:41.02\00:51:44.81
single families in
the community, mothers who
00:51:44.84\00:51:47.77
are struggling to bring up
the children by themselves.
00:51:47.80\00:51:51.12
These women need help.
00:51:51.15\00:51:53.15
I believe, one thing
that the church needs to do
00:51:53.18\00:51:56.07
is start giving
very practical seminars
00:51:56.10\00:51:59.81
and inviting the community in,
00:51:59.84\00:52:02.21
seminars dealing with
finance, family dynamics,
00:52:02.24\00:52:06.42
you know, how to cope
being a single mom in the world.
00:52:06.70\00:52:12.59
People need to be
mentored and sometimes
00:52:12.62\00:52:15.00
they don't know
where to go to be mentored.
00:52:15.03\00:52:17.62
We have another question.
00:52:17.65\00:52:19.35
What's your name and
what's your question, please?
00:52:19.38\00:52:21.15
My name is Mika, and my
question is: If a person is
00:52:21.18\00:52:25.85
alone, alone is different
then a loneliness, right.
00:52:26.13\00:52:32.46
They enjoy being by themselves,
enjoying just spending
00:52:33.41\00:52:37.98
time alone, reading,
dreaming, something like that.
00:52:38.01\00:52:42.34
How do you do not to be
confused with a loneliness,
00:52:42.37\00:52:46.87
suffering of loneliness?
00:52:46.90\00:52:48.62
How do you know if, I
believe, Mika let me repeat
00:52:48.65\00:52:51.37
your question so
that I'm sure I have it.
00:52:51.40\00:52:53.60
If you see someone who spends
a lot of time in solitude,
00:52:53.63\00:52:57.94
how do you know they
are not isolated and lonely?
00:52:57.97\00:53:02.51
See, I'm one who truly, I
have to have a certain amount
00:53:02.64\00:53:07.24
of solitude, I don't function
well without it, and sometimes
00:53:07.27\00:53:12.20
if I have spent a number
of days, almost like a hermit,
00:53:12.23\00:53:16.29
people get concerned:
"Why aren't you lonely?",
00:53:16.32\00:53:18.25
and "You need to get out!", "No,
I don't, I'm out all the time."
00:53:18.28\00:53:22.34
How you tell is if someone
is able to give of themselves,
00:53:22.37\00:53:27.91
lonely people
can't give of themselves.
00:53:28.00\00:53:31.23
They find it very difficult,
because you can't minister
00:53:31.26\00:53:35.10
from an empty cup.
00:53:35.13\00:53:36.81
But if someone has great
contentment in their lives, ask,
00:53:37.04\00:53:41.24
number one, Mika, if you
see someone like that, ask them:
00:53:41.27\00:53:45.53
"Are you lonely?"
00:53:45.56\00:53:46.94
"Would you like to join us?"
00:53:46.97\00:53:48.36
And if they are very contented
and you see that they function
00:53:48.39\00:53:51.39
well in every other area,
and then there are people that
00:53:51.42\00:53:55.54
like a lot of solitude.
00:53:55.57\00:53:57.59
We have another question.
00:53:57.62\00:54:00.02
You mentioned loneliness
and depression several times.
00:54:00.15\00:54:02.46
How can you tell when
you're going from loneliness
00:54:02.49\00:54:05.33
to depression and
when should you seek help?
00:54:05.36\00:54:08.39
Wonderful question,
because as we have mentioned,
00:54:08.42\00:54:12.66
there are times of natural
loneliness, and it would be
00:54:12.69\00:54:17.63
unnatural not to be
lonely in certain situations.
00:54:17.73\00:54:22.78
But when that
loneliness becomes consuming,
00:54:22.81\00:54:26.64
when that loneliness goes on
for extended periods of time,
00:54:26.67\00:54:32.01
the problem is that
it can go into depression
00:54:32.19\00:54:36.38
and when someone goes into
depression then there are some
00:54:36.64\00:54:41.96
other signs that are
going on, and you need help.
00:54:41.99\00:54:44.64
Yes, there's several resources
that you can look after that,
00:54:44.67\00:54:47.58
I think a great book for
that is Dr. Neil Nedley's book,
00:54:47.61\00:54:50.36
"Depression, the way out" that
has a list of 10 different signs
00:54:50.39\00:54:54.92
that you can look at to
see if whether you are or
00:54:54.95\00:54:56.93
not depressed or lonely and
then you can seek that kind of
00:54:56.96\00:55:01.18
professional insight to help you
if you have a question like that
00:55:01.21\00:55:04.57
And it is dangerous not
to be treating things like
00:55:04.60\00:55:07.79
depression, that
are clinical depression.
00:55:07.82\00:55:11.09
Well, we have talked
about a lot about loneliness,
00:55:11.12\00:55:14.53
we had some excellent dialog,
we've had some excellent guests,
00:55:14.56\00:55:19.38
but I wanna ask you Shelley,
as we close up, you know,
00:55:19.41\00:55:22.38
just pulling things together,
what is that last thing you
00:55:22.41\00:55:26.54
wanna say, that final thought
that brings it all together?
00:55:26.57\00:55:30.88
Just speaking from my
heart, I wanna say there are
00:55:30.91\00:55:35.29
so many lonely, hurting people
in the world and they need to be
00:55:35.32\00:55:39.81
filled, I believe by the power
of God and the Holy Spirit.
00:55:39.84\00:55:45.21
We have to be, first we have
to look at ourselves and say:
00:55:45.24\00:55:50.65
"Am I truly experiencing
the contentment, the zeal
00:55:50.73\00:55:56.07
that God expects
me to be experiencing?
00:55:56.45\00:56:00.34
Is my church going:
religion or relationship?"
00:56:02.24\00:56:07.23
I think God, He
is calling all of us
00:56:08.42\00:56:11.75
into a more intimate
relationship with Him.
00:56:11.78\00:56:15.69
And the reason I'm
emphasizing this, Don, is
00:56:15.75\00:56:18.33
the more intimate our
relationship is with God
00:56:18.36\00:56:21.24
the more we're
filled, the more we can serve.
00:56:21.27\00:56:25.49
And what I would say, I
guess, is: if we could look
00:56:25.78\00:56:31.53
at people through the eyes
of God, in II Corinthians 5,
00:56:31.56\00:56:37.40
around verse 16 I
believe it is, Paul said:
00:56:37.46\00:56:42.49
"We no longer look at
anyone from a human perspective,
00:56:42.52\00:56:47.48
even though, we once
looked at Christ that way."
00:56:48.05\00:56:50.91
How is it that you and
I can not look at someone
00:56:50.94\00:56:54.46
from a human perspective?
00:56:54.49\00:56:56.29
There is only one way, we've got
to pray, and we've got to say:
00:56:56.32\00:57:00.35
"Father, help me to see
others through Your eyes.
00:57:00.38\00:57:04.19
Help me, Lord, to be filled with
Your compassion with Your love."
00:57:04.22\00:57:09.67
As Romans 5:5 says, and I prayed
over my life all the time:
00:57:09.70\00:57:13.70
"Shed your love
abroad in my heart.",
00:57:13.73\00:57:16.32
pour your love into my
heart by the Holy Spirit.
00:57:16.35\00:57:19.27
God, make me a better lover
of the souls of the people that
00:57:19.30\00:57:24.71
You love so much.
00:57:25.36\00:57:26.98
We want to thank
our guests today,
00:57:27.62\00:57:29.33
Shirley Garner and Cecilia
Hudson for being with us.
00:57:29.36\00:57:31.75
You know it's been great to talk
about this with you, Shelley,
00:57:31.78\00:57:35.18
and my thought is, I've listened
to this as always drawn to
00:57:35.21\00:57:39.08
our Lord and Saviour
Jesus Christ, Who came to this
00:57:39.11\00:57:41.82
world from Heaven and He was
lonely, because He was no longer
00:57:41.85\00:57:46.10
with His Father and with all
of those people of the Heavenly
00:57:46.13\00:57:50.25
Courts, yet, He came down
here and lived among man and
00:57:50.28\00:57:53.96
He came to His own and
His own received Him not.
00:57:53.99\00:57:57.12
In fact, in the Garden
of Gethsemane, He said:
00:57:57.15\00:58:00.07
"Why have You forsaken
me?" and then He died on a tree
00:58:00.10\00:58:03.87
for you and me and He
took all the loneliness
00:58:03.90\00:58:06.76
of the world on His shoulders.
00:58:06.79\00:58:08.84
So, as we close this program,
you know, maybe, would be
00:58:08.87\00:58:12.68
something of value if you would
say: "Lord, I want you to take
00:58:12.71\00:58:17.17
my loneliness, You've
already borne much of it, and
00:58:17.20\00:58:20.17
I want you to come into
my heart, into my life."
00:58:20.20\00:58:22.49
I believe He'll do it.
00:58:22.52\00:58:24.29
He did it for Elijah, when he
run far away into the wildness
00:58:24.32\00:58:27.54
one time, the Lord said:
"What are you doing here?"
00:58:27.57\00:58:30.90
and He cooked him a nice
meal, and He helped him out
00:58:30.93\00:58:33.71
and got him back on the road.
00:58:33.74\00:58:35.70
And I believe the Lord
wants to do the same with you.
00:58:35.73\00:58:37.82
So, thank you so
much for joining us
00:58:37.85\00:58:39.53
and thank you
Shelley for being with us,
00:58:39.56\00:58:41.52
and May God bless you.
00:58:41.55\00:58:43.60
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00:58:47.17\00:58:54.16