Participants: Shelley Quinn, 01. Kay Rizzo, 02. Alexandra Vance
Series Code: UC
Program Code: UC000405
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00:27 Hello everyone, and welcome to another 3ABN Up Close.
00:30 This is a program where we examine the problems that 00:34 plague today's society and we seek to offer 00:38 practical solutions. 00:40 We're coming to you from the beautiful Fort Worth First 00:44 Seventh Day Adventist Church in Fort Worth, Texas. 00:47 We'd like to thank our live audience for joining us 00:51 in this program. 00:52 Our topic is how to find a way out 00:56 of depression that leads to suicide. 00:59 You know, at one time or another, we all face 01:02 dark moments that blindside us and unfortunately 01:07 hopelessness fools many into believing 01:10 that suicide is the only solution. 01:13 It has become the eighth leading cause of death 01:17 for all Americans and it ranks third 01:20 for the cause of death in young people. 01:23 Every seventeen minutes someone in U.S. commits suicide, that's 01:29 more than 29,000 a year. 01:32 And sadly that indicates at least three people 01:36 will end their lives during the span of this program today. 01:41 Is someone close to you overwhelmed 01:44 by the circumstances of their life? 01:46 Don't ignore the silent signals and the muffled cries for help. 01:52 You need to recognize the symptoms that 01:55 lead to suicide. 01:57 It's not a sign of weakness, and it's not 01:59 gender specific. 02:01 While females are more likely to attempt suicide, males are 02:08 four times more likely to die from suicide. 02:11 But the good news is there is a way out of this darkness. 02:17 Suicide is preventable when an alternative solution can be 02:22 provided to overcome the problems 02:24 that seem so overwhelming. 02:27 Our first guest tonight is Alexandra Vance. 02:31 Alexandra is a licensed marriage and family counselor 02:35 from Greenville Tennessee, 02:36 she has over 29 years of experience of clinical work with 02:42 marriage and family challenges, sexual addictions, 02:45 abuse, trauma histories and those who are suffering 02:50 from depression and grief. 02:52 But still Alexandra has not had an easy life herself. 02:57 And today she's here to share her personal story. 03:01 When her husband was cheating on her in adulterous affairs, 03:07 the weight of her emotional pain was so unbearable that 03:12 she could not see a way out from under it. 03:16 Depressed and desperate she finally reached 03:20 for a gun. Here is what she shared with us. 03:24 I was married when I was 23, 03:26 really had come out from a rather conservative, 03:32 sheltered background, but also a background 03:35 with a lot of dysfunction, in my family. 03:38 So I grew up not knowing what normal was, and I didn't know 03:45 how to communicate needs and wants in a marriage. 03:51 We married and he was seven years older than I, 03:56 and what I discovered was that over the time, 04:01 we were married 23 years, there were periods when he would 04:06 have affairs and I didn't know how to handle that, I would 04:10 confront it but at the same time was told that I was imagining 04:14 things or crazy. 04:15 One time it became more difficult 04:17 I confronted him and he didn't deny that, but my level of 04:22 feeling poorly about myself was so severe 04:27 and the despair of that time, I had two children at the time, 04:32 that in that moment I became very suicidal. 04:34 That was my first intense period of suicide feeling 04:42 I ever had, was one night we had an argument 04:45 and it was over him going out, I didn't want him 04:52 to leave the house, and he was going to leave and in that point 04:57 I felt absolutely desperate. 05:01 It was very scary and in that desperation I threatened 05:08 suicide. 05:10 We had a gun in the house and I threatened to go and get 05:12 that gun and to end my life. 05:16 I regret that, because my children were there, 05:20 and my daughter remembers that to this day. 05:22 My son was three but she was around ten or eleven, 05:27 it was a lonely time and he did something that was actually 05:34 a gift to me, later on I realized it was a gift, 05:37 he said: never hurt yourself over me, 05:40 he said that he wasn't worth it. 05:43 At that moment I couldn't imagine 05:46 him making that statement 05:47 and didn't know what he meant but he was owning his own 05:50 responsibility in the problem. 05:52 What I did after that was, I calmed down, 05:56 I was able to pull back together 06:01 again, and he left after that 06:06 believe it or not and I was able to come back together, 06:10 I sat down, and in that moment I was able to pray. 06:14 I was left with a question, why was I willing to kill myself 06:18 for a man, and that question turned my life around, 06:22 and it was a gift from him, believe it or not. 06:25 At that point then I realized that if I was willing to 06:31 hurt myself for a man, I couldn't imagine that 06:35 God would want me in a situation that over and over again, 06:37 I was so disappointed in a relationship that I would 06:40 hurt myself, that I started getting help, and that's when I 06:43 sought help, help for myself psychologically, help for 06:47 myself spiritually. 06:49 In that dark moment, all I can tell you is that it was so dark 06:55 I couldn't see children, family, all I could see was 06:59 I was a failure. 07:03 I couldn't hold that marriage together, and there was nothing 07:07 that I could find in me to make that different. 07:10 I think that the fear of 07:14 abandonment, the fear of being a failure, it was overwhelming 07:18 and I was in overwhelm. 07:21 Well Alexandra Vance is here tonight and I would like 07:25 to invite her to come up on stage 07:27 and speak to us, Alexandra... 07:41 - Is it painful to watch that now? 07:43 - It was very painful to talk about it and I hadn't realized 07:48 how much pain I carried all these 07:49 years because I really never 07:51 talked about that particular event in my life, to anyone. 07:56 - I think that there's so many 07:57 people who can understand when we 08:01 get to that really dark moment, but what a lot of people don't 08:05 know, is you said that you got help how did you come out 08:08 of that, once you had that realization, 08:10 I don't want to end my life 08:13 over a man. What kind of help did you get? 08:17 - I had the good fortune of having had a mother who went to 08:22 Alanon, so I knew something about 12 step programs. 08:27 I went to therapist and I started into 12 step programs. 08:31 I was an adult child of an alcoholic, so I started there, 08:35 I didn't know where to go other than that. I went to the church. 08:40 - You were a Christian? 08:42 - I was a Christian and I went to 08:43 the minister, our minister just 08:49 didn't know how to handle it, he did the best he could, 08:52 he gave me some scriptures to search out and I did that but 08:59 beyond of that the things I learned like: 09:03 why would I allow myself to be treated in that manner, 09:07 what did I think about myself 09:09 that I would accept that behavior? 09:15 So I learned about boundaries, I remember the therapist 09:20 saying to me one time: what are your boundaries? 09:22 I said boundaries, what's that? 09:24 And that was early on, I just 09:30 couldn't believe that with all the 09:31 background I had I didn't know that word. 09:34 After that I learned so many more things, and I learned shame 09:38 and shame spirals and I learned that when that 09:42 pain hit, it was the pain of shame, 09:48 I was a bad girl. 09:51 - Let me ask you something, you felt shame because of the choice 09:56 that you were thinking of making? 09:58 - I felt ashamed. 10:00 - Or did you feel shame because 10:01 your husband was running around on you? 10:05 - That's why I felt the shame. 10:07 - Isn't that amazing that someone 10:08 else could actually put that feeling 10:12 on us, when they are the one who is doing the wrong act yet 10:18 you assumed the shame. 10:19 - That's right, I was what in the business it's called being a 10:26 shame sponge, I would take on other people's feelings I was a 10:30 co-dependent person, and I thought 10:33 that my Christian duty was to feel those feelings, and I 10:38 realize now that that's not what God's calling us to. 10:41 God's calling to keep our serenity at all times. 10:46 And that what's I learned and that's what I have today 10:48 that I love life so much now, is serenity. 10:53 My life is peaceful and joyful and I'm around people who 10:58 are happy, I'm around so many fun Christian people and 11:02 back then I was so alone, I had never been so alone in my life, 11:06 because I couldn't talk about it, I couldn't go to anybody and 11:10 talk about the problems, all though most people knew but they 11:13 didn't talked to me and I didn't talked to them about it. 11:15 Now- This marriage ended in a divorce? 11:19 - Yes, this marriage ended in a divorce. 11:20 - Have you remarried? 11:22 - I remarried in September. 11:24 - What you learned from your first marriage, how is that 11:28 affecting you today? 11:29 - O, it's so different, I mean it's 11:32 amazingly different, in this marriage, 11:34 of course I had my own business, 11:36 I had to take care of myself, I gave up dependences, that was 11:42 part of my problem, but now I have all these years of 11:45 being on my own, and having a life and setting boundaries, 11:50 dealing with life day by day, 11:52 I like what Danny said, living day by day. 11:55 Something came up very early on in our marriage and I said, 12:00 Norm, we just gonna have to sit and talk about this. 12:05 I'm still not confrontive, I just said this is my experience 12:09 and this is how I feel when you say that, 12:12 can we talk about it? 12:14 And he said ok, and I said this is how I would like you 12:18 to treat me, or this is the way I would like you to talk to me 12:20 in this situation. 12:22 And he got it. 12:23 - Praise the Lord! 12:24 - That is a praise thing, he got it. And I thought, this is 12:30 gonna make it, and that was in the first month of our marriage 12:34 and it's like... wow... this man wouldn't have an affair on me, 12:39 and I'm not willing to do that either so we have that 12:43 bottom line commitment, 12:45 we have a connection and a bond in that and beyond that 12:48 we're willing to sit down and talk about things. 12:52 He said that you are willing to say what you need and what 12:57 you mean, and I said, yes I am. 12:59 I did my post-graduate education 13:01 after that experience of pain. 13:05 - So God did work all things together for your good and you 13:09 are putting that to use. Praise the Lord! 13:13 - God has, yeah. 13:14 - Coming up next, we'll talk to Kay Rizzo and how to overcome 13:18 thoughts of suicide by finding meaning and joy in life. 13:23 We will also look at some of the more common causes for 13:26 suicide so please stay tuned with us, we'll be right back. 13:38 Next week on Up Close... 13:40 Will be talking about one of the most feared and misunderstood 13:43 word in English language: CHANGE. 13:46 In two week period missing 4-5 days of work, not being 13:50 able to get out of bed, not doing anything. 13:52 I was sleeping the day away, taking drugs, using drugs, 13:55 smoking cigarettes, etc. 13:58 - She had to come to a point of a decision: 14:01 I don't want to be that anymore. 14:04 - Medication wasn't doing it. 14:05 Medication is a passive thing. 14:07 - Next week on Up Close, "The Process of Change", 14:11 don't miss it. 14:25 - Welcome back to Up Close. 14:27 Today we're talking about suicide 14:29 and how we can find a better 14:32 way out of the hopelessness and depression 14:34 that life's problems can bring. 14:37 We'll be discussing how we can recognize this problem 14:41 in others and offer the help that they need. 14:44 This is far more common than 14:47 most of us realize. 14:48 As alarming as the suicide rate in America 14:51 is that there are 8 to 20 attempts for each 14:55 death by suicide. 14:57 It doesn't have to be that way. 15:00 There are many warning signs that offer us a chance 15:04 to intervene before it's to late. 15:06 Our expert guest today is Kay Rizzo and she's not 15:11 just an expert in theory, Kay went through a life experience 15:16 that devastated her emotionally and she almost became 15:20 a statistic of death by suicide 15:23 when she considered taking her own life. 15:26 Kay comes to us from Viselia,California 15:30 she's the author of 44 books 15:32 and she's a columnist for a life style magazine called 15:36 "The Winner". As an inspirational speaker she 15:39 has traveled through North America and spoken for 15:42 numerous groups on the subject of moving 15:46 from suicide to praise. 15:48 We are excited to have Kay Rizzo, with us here today 15:52 so please make her feel welcomed. 16:03 - You know Kay as a watched Alexandra's story I asked myself 16:08 what would I do if something like that happened to me. 16:12 - As I watched Alexandra's story, it brought back 16:16 to many memories of the times 16:18 and how I felt. 16:19 The interesting thing about this problem of suicide is wherever 16:26 I go to talk about it, 16:27 and it took me years to where I could talk about it in public, 16:31 every time someone comes up to me after the program and said 16:37 I was considering it last Wednesday, 16:40 I was considering it a week ago, 16:42 I was considering it a month ago, it is too common. 16:46 - Yes it is and I think that almost every one that's here 16:51 tonight or if you're watching on television or listening by 16:54 radio, you probably know someone that's going through that. 16:59 What are some of the groups that are at risk for suicide? 17:06 - People who have panic attacks quite often, 17:11 people who have any kind of drug dependency, because that 17:16 drags you down emotionally, 17:17 schizophrenia, if they've been diagnosed with schizophrenia, 17:21 this could be a problem, but probably the 17:23 most common is depression. 17:25 Proverbs 17-22 says that a broken spirit dries the bones. 17:31 - Amen. 17:32 - And you have dry bones but the great thing is that in 17:37 Ezekiel he says, those dry bones will live again. 17:40 - Halleluiah, but what are "the seeds" 17:43 what "seeds" depression in our life? 17:46 - I think the first is, and we don't like to hear it, 17:50 those of us who thinking of suicide, but it's 17:53 intemperance, over tired, working too hard... 17:59 - First explain what you mean by intemperance. 18:00 - Ok, intemperance means overdoing, 18:03 you're working too hard, not getting enough sleep, or you are 18:08 sleeping at the wrong times, you can't get into a decent 18:10 sleep cycle, lack of exercise, poor diet, 18:14 all of these things is what I consider, 18:17 you're not living a temperate 18:19 wise life, and so you're getting 18:21 down and that causes the problem. 18:24 - Our life style choices actually affect our mind? 18:28 - Absolutely and if you're discontent with your life, 18:31 whatever is happening on the outside, you're discontent, 18:34 when Paul wrote to Timothy and said: be content, 18:39 it was reason for that, for our mental health. 18:42 If you are discouraged, your life seems to be in the pits, 18:46 and you can't handle it any more, this is definitely a sign 18:50 that you are possibly, can work to the point 18:54 of wanting to commit suicide. 18:56 If you have no hope for the future, you can't see past 19:01 what's happening, it's an awful thing to even consider 19:06 you'd want to see. 19:07 This can be one of the seeds of depression. 19:10 One of the biggest things I found with my depression 19:13 was unresolved anger. 19:14 I was angry at myself for failing, you noticed 19:18 Alexandra mentioned, she felt such a failure, and you beat 19:22 yourself up, with these feelings 19:24 and I was angry at the world around me 19:28 I was angry at the people who were causing the problems, 19:31 I was angry at my church because they didn't seem to be 19:37 responding to me, how could they, they didn't know... 19:41 I was mad with the president of the United States, 19:44 I was mad at everybody. 19:45 - That is interesting, there two things that you said, 19:49 when we are going through a dark time emotionally, 19:55 a lot of us hide that, I haven't told you this, we didn't have 20:00 time before the program. 20:01 But my mother tried to commit suicide on several occasions, 20:06 and I never could understand, as a young child, why she did 20:10 those things, and when I had a year's illness, that was very 20:15 devastating to me, at the end of that year, 20:18 I had hidden all my emotions, but, by the end of the year 20:24 I was so depressed and felt so hopeless after going to 20:28 doctor after doctor, and this was the type of illness that 20:31 really got you down, that one night I laid in bed, Kay 20:35 and I had the thought, now I understood 20:39 why you did it mamma. 20:42 I wasn't thinking about committing suicide, 20:44 but I had the emotional 20:46 identification with it and it scared me to death. 20:50 - So what are some of the common threats? 20:53 - One thing I noticed and really surprised me happened when 20:56 I was going through the 20:58 depression and it has been something that people have 21:01 shared with me since, is that our thinking is twisted, 21:05 at that time, it's upside down, we look at someone who is 21:09 considering suicide, 21:11 and we say, oh, they are being so selfish! 21:14 In reality, in their thinking, Satan has so twisted 21:17 their brains to where they 21:19 believe they are making the ultimate sacrifice for 21:24 those they love that they just get out of their way, they could 21:27 get on with life and things will be good, but they were the 21:29 problem and they needed to get out of the way, 21:32 and so it's actually an act of love for many people. 21:35 - So they felt like they were being a burden, and so they 21:37 were trying to ease the burden for their family? 21:40 When I was 11 years old, was the first time my mother tried 21:45 to commit suicide and I remember to this day I was the one who 21:51 found her, I remember that day as clearly as if it 21:56 were yesterday. 21:57 I wanted to ask Alexandra, I noticed on the 22:01 tape that you mentioned your children were aware, 22:06 especially your daughter, because she was 11 I think, 22:08 as well, wasn't she. 22:09 How has that affected her life? 22:12 - Well my children have both been 22:16 in therapy, and my daughter 22:20 had to learn a lot about boundaries and she had to learn 22:26 a lot of things cause being in our home she didn't learn what 22:30 normal was either, I almost learned with her and that's how 22:33 we changed things together. 22:35 She's happy today but she's worked hard to get there. 22:40 She had a repetitive depression every January, 22:45 but she doesn't get that anymore. 22:47 - January was the time of month when you tried to...? 22:51 - No I don't think so, but her dad also had a repetitive 22:55 depression every January, and she identified with his feelings 22:59 but she doesn't have that depression any more. 23:03 - Because of the therapy she's coming out of that cycle, 23:08 that downward spiral that she was in afterwards. 23:11 - That's correct. 23:12 - Kay is this fairly normal, a lot of people think 23:19 they are doing their family a favor, 23:21 but suicide or even an attempted suicide, 23:25 really affects so many people in a broad way. 23:29 - In reality, a family never gets over a suicide. 23:33 This becomes a generational problem 23:36 if you consider suicide and you 23:38 go through with it there is a good chance your grandbabies 23:42 are gonna face that same problem. 23:44 I don't know why this happens, but I know that it does, 23:48 I've seen it even in my own family. 23:50 My grandfather committed suicide. 23:51 And for every generation since, we have had a constant battle 23:55 of fighting against the thoughts of suicide. 23:58 It never stop's. 24:00 One of the interesting facts 24:04 that have come out from this, is that for every 24:07 accomplished suicide, there are six victims left to pick up 24:13 the pieces, and the survivors for mental health needing 24:18 mental health afterwards, are 24:20 4.7 million in United States alone every single year. 24:23 That are the left overs if you want to call them that, 24:26 that just don't know how to pull their lives back together again. 24:29 So it's definitely fiction to believe that you can get 24:34 out of the picture and help things. 24:36 - Would you say that for most people,... there are people who 24:40 suffer from chronic depression and then there 24:42 are those who have some experience in their life that 24:46 brings on an acute bout of depression. 24:49 That's the starting point usually isn't it? 24:53 Something that's happened that's causing our mental faculties 24:57 to be depressed, the way we look at things to be depressed? 25:01 How can we recognize depression, what are some of the causes? 25:06 - It's interesting that you mentioned that, because there is 25:12 no trigger that matches for every person, for some people 25:17 can be a slow decline, they 25:19 don't even realize it's happening 25:20 they're running so fast to do all the things they need to do 25:23 that all the sudden it's like their body completely shuts down 25:27 their mind and spirit their soul and body just collapses. 25:30 - Burnout. 25:31 - Absolutely! That's what I experienced. 25:33 Other people will come up to a major crises 25:38 and go into depression, 25:40 for some people it's a chemical change 25:42 in their bodies and it needs to be recognized 25:45 that it's a chemical thing. 25:47 We need to get beyond the blaming game to where we see 25:52 that there are lots of reasons 25:54 why this type of thing happens. 25:56 - What do we need to know about people who are considering 26:02 suicide that we can help understand this. 26:05 - First of all we need to know that you're not crazy, 26:09 you are not bad, you are not evil, 26:12 because you've had these thoughts. 26:14 - You're not weak. 26:16 - Definitely not, and it's ok to tell other people 26:21 because that it's part of your healing. 26:23 But there are three problems that people are facing 26:27 that make this seem attractive. 26:30 First of all, an extreme pain, a painful situation 26:36 put together with not enough coping resources, 26:40 people to turn to, advice from various people, easing the 26:46 situation, being able to get 26:49 away from the situation you can't cope. 26:52 The third one is that you can't see 26:55 beyond today's problems. 26:57 - So that's an overwhelming sense of 26:59 hopelessness? 27:00 - That's right. 27:01 - You have referred several times 27:03 to that the time that in your life that 27:09 you were emotional devastated 27:10 and came close to doing this yourself. 27:13 Can you share your experience with us? 27:15 - That's the hard part. 27:17 I didn't for a very long time, it was a Christian editor 27:24 who said, Kay, somebody needs to hear your story. 27:27 And so I wrote it into a book and God has blessed that book. 27:32 For me it was job burnout, 27:35 I was a Christian teacher teaching in a Christian school, 27:40 I was doing everything I could and anyone who has ever worked 27:44 in a Christian school knows that you have 27 jobs beyond 27:47 that that you've been hired to do, 27:49 which is fun when you feel good, but when you begin to get 27:53 burned-out you go down, down, 27:56 and you can't seem to stop it. 27:59 For me the final straw came when 28:04 politics blew the place apart and I became 28:08 one of the casualties, 28:10 and I had lost my job and this is a little girl 28:13 at 6 years old who says 28:15 when I grow up I'm going to be a Christian teacher. 28:17 It was like God had put me out to pasture, 28:19 and so He had betrayed me just as much as the job. 28:25 So I went into total collapse, it was almost like 28:29 into a black hole and I didn't know how to get out. 28:33 - It hurts my heart to hear you because I know that for myself 28:39 that feeling of hopelessness I recognize, 28:42 that's why my mother tried to commit suicide. 28:46 Can you give us, our audience and the people who are 28:50 listening, give us some kind of idea, what are the warning 28:54 signals? 28:55 How do we recognize when someone has reached that point? 28:59 - First of all when they begin to talk about suicide 29:04 and about dying. 29:05 Or they say they have no reason to live. 29:08 Take them seriously don't ever just pass it off and say 29:12 they're in a bad mood, that's not true. 29:14 If they become preoccupied with death and dying, they begin 29:17 to withdraw from friends, give away their treasures, 29:21 be concerned with their last will in testament, they lose 29:25 interest in hobbies and in their work. 29:28 They don't want to leave the house, 29:29 they become house bound, 29:31 they have attempted suicide before perhaps, 29:38 or perhaps they begin taking unnecessary risks doing 29:41 stupid things, and you can't figure out why. 29:44 - Like a death wish. 29:45 - That's right. Increasing use of alcohol 29:48 and drugs because this is a way to ease the pain. 29:52 If there is a history of violence or hostility 29:54 in them, that anger hidden down deep inside, 29:58 if they are unwilling to connect with other people, 30:01 these are all good indicators that might be some concern. 30:07 - When you said to take it seriously I remember early on in 30:12 ministry before I knew everything that I know now, 30:15 I was speaking to a group and a woman came up and they 30:19 asked me to pray for her and we went into the other room 30:22 after a 2 hour meeting 30:24 we went into that other room and pray for over a hour 30:27 and then she confessed that she had been thinking about 30:29 committing suicide but she 30:32 told me, hearing everything that you've said tonight 30:36 has changed my mind and I'm gonna go home and 30:39 throw those pills away. And I believed her. 30:42 For a moment I said let me go home with you 30:47 and let's do that together, and she said no, she said God 30:51 has done such a wonderful work in me tonight, 30:54 I promise you I'm going home. 30:55 Two days later I found out that she had taken those pills 31:01 but thankfully she called someone to just say 31:04 goodbye, and they recognized it and 31:07 they sent the paramedics to her. 31:09 I learned such a valuable lesson. 31:11 Take them seriously, don't let them try to work it out on their 31:16 own, it's something that is very frightening. 31:19 What can I as a friend, when I see someone 31:28 in my family or a friend of mine or maybe just somebody 31:31 at church that I recognize something is different and 31:36 that they are having some of these symptoms, what do I do? 31:41 - Number one, get involved! Don't wait to be invited. 31:44 You push yourself in, be pushy, do whatever you have to do, 31:48 and then sit down and listen 31:49 and just let them talk, don't act shocked or try to convince 31:56 them their are thinking foolishly because that will 31:59 just polarize them so that they will back away from you 32:02 and you won't be able to reach them. 32:05 Don't be judgmental, don't be so sympathetic that they begin 32:14 to think maybe this is ok, she understands, so I have someone 32:18 who is going to understand when it happens. 32:20 Don't act shocked but don't be sworn the secrecy 32:23 for any reason. 32:24 - That's good. 32:25 - When I was a girls dean in a Christian boarding school, 32:29 I would have girls come in to talk and that was the one thing 32:33 they understood that if it was going to be any 32:35 danger to anyone I was not going to keep it quiet because 32:38 I loved them to much. 32:40 God would not want me to do that. 32:42 You can't be sworn to secrecy, 32:45 that is not a promise you can make. 32:49 Don't give them pat little answers and say that 32:51 everything is going to be fine, I'm going to be praying 32:52 for you, that is not going to work, they've heard the 32:56 pat little answers, they've told themselves the pat little 32:58 answers and they're just not working. 33:01 Don't say you understand when you don't. 33:04 When I went through some of my worst times, 33:08 people would come up and say, honey I understand so much 33:11 what you're going through and I knew full well they didn't. 33:14 It made me mad. 33:15 - Cause you felt that they are condescending to you? 33:17 - Yes it made me mad, don't tell me that, 33:21 you have no idea. 33:23 Always take action, you alluded to this lady, 33:28 remove whatever it is that might be 33:31 the opportunity. 33:34 Remove them from that situation always encourage them to 33:39 get professional help because you are 33:41 too close to the problem, 33:42 you are a bridge not the final answer. 33:47 A professional can give them keys and help in making 33:53 the right choices and establishing right thinking. 33:56 You are there to be the bridge to that. 33:58 And Definitely pull them out of 34:00 themselves make them get busy with others. 34:02 When you get busy with others it takes your mind of yourself 34:06 and you will be able to begin to heal. 34:09 - You know, from what she said, I think we have a lot to learn 34:15 about how to reach out and help someone. 34:18 Particularly I want to talk to parents because 34:21 a lot of times people think, oh, they are teenagers and just 34:25 going through a stage, we don't need to worry about it, 34:29 and then you hear the tragedy 34:33 of all that has happened afterwards in the aftermath. 34:38 I want to ask Alexandra again, 34:39 when you went to get the gun, what happened, 34:45 how did your husband intervene specifically that stop you? 34:52 - My husband physically stopped me but he also said to me that 34:59 it wasn't worth dying, over him. 35:03 That brought me to a rational thought 35:10 that took me out of that overwhelm and that 35:14 spiral of shame. 35:15 I couldn't see pass that black pain and shame 35:19 but that thought gave me some hope, that maybe I don't have 35:25 to die and maybe in fact, I'm not the only problem here. 35:29 That's why I said he did take responsibility at that moment. 35:34 - Praise the Lord! In just a moment we are going to be back 35:39 to ask our audience what they think about this topic 35:43 and we'll be taking their live questions, 35:46 So please stay tuned with us, we'll be right back. 35:56 Are you struggling with thoughts of suicide? 35:58 You feel you're at the end of your rope? 36:00 Don't lose hope, we have a free gift just for you. 36:04 Find hope and courage as you read God's Promises 36:07 for your every need. 36:08 For your free gift just write to us at Up Close 36:38 Welcome back to Up Close our topic today is 36:40 From suicide to praise, we've been talking to Kay Rizzo and 36:46 Alexandra Vance about how they found themselves struggling 36:51 with suicide thoughts and how they found a way out. 36:55 We've also discussed some of warning signs along with 37:00 practical steps in order to overcome such thoughts. 37:03 Right now we'd like to open our program to 37:08 questions from our audience. 37:10 We'd like to welcome our first question. 37:12 - Hi could you please tell us your name? 37:15 - Nate. 37:16 - Nate, what is your question? 37:18 - What would I do if I'm not able to actually be there in 37:21 person, for the person I'm trying to help? 37:24 - A good question. 37:25 - I'd start with prayer, prayer does change things, 37:29 God has a thousand ways to take care of the problem, 37:34 you are one of them, second I would find someone 37:38 who is nearby and say 37:41 go help them now, and with all the 37:45 communication we have: 37:46 e- mail, telephone, get on your Hallmark. com, send messages 37:53 so that they will know that you're thinking of them, 37:56 don't let them slip through the cracks, 37:58 even though you're at a distance. 38:00 - Excellent. Thank you. 38:02 - Hello what's your name? 38:03 - My name is Louise Dourent is a persons choice to commit 38:11 suicide something unique to the culture of the United States? 38:15 I come from Egypt and I grew up there and I go periodically 38:21 there and I never heard of anyone wanting to 38:25 resolve their problems by committing suicide, so I'm just 38:29 wondering how different is it in different parts of the country? 38:35 - I don't know about Egypt but I know that Russia has a terrible 38:41 problem, Sweden, so I'm not sure if it's 38:49 geographical or cultural. 38:51 - Thank you very much for your questions. 38:56 - That's an interesting thing to think about, what's the 39:00 difference in cultures. 39:01 - Hi! 39:02 - Hi, my name is Diane and I'm a hair dresser and I have a dear 39:05 couple that is 70-71 and he has tried recently to commit suicide 39:11 for the fifth time. 39:13 We pray together a lot they're fine people, but 39:19 he's not physical hurting he is emotionally hurting inside, 39:25 we've talked about it yesterday again and he goes to a 39:29 psychiatrist regularly, and he takes 2 antidepressant pills 39:35 and he has seizures on top of this. 39:39 I'm at my wits end so all I can do now 39:42 is pray, pray, pray. 39:44 Is there something else that I'm not doing that I need to do? 39:49 - Well, this is the reason for this whole program 39:55 which I was going to talk about later. 39:56 Praise, that is not a pat little answer but praising God is 40:01 actually God's antidote for depression. 40:06 It is a matter of turning your eyes off of yourself and your 40:10 problems and putting them on the problem solver. 40:15 It's a choice you make, in Hebrews 13-15 says that we bring 40:20 the sacrifice of praise, that means when it doesn't feel good. 40:25 Teach them that blessing and it 40:28 can definitely make a difference. 40:30 - Wouldn't you agree that when somebody is depressed 40:33 that's something you're going to have to sit down and 40:36 work with them on a daily basis. 40:39 - Yes, you don't just say... well... honey praise! 40:42 - You've got to show them how and lead them through. 40:45 - That's right, even through example. 40:47 - I think another excellent thing is to help him to get 40:53 involved when you were talking about getting your eyes back on 40:59 the Lord, there's nothing better than to have a purpose to go 41:02 out and help somebody else. 41:05 When you're giving of yourself, when you're giving the love 41:08 of God, to someone else, it 41:10 lifts your spirit doesn't it Kay? 41:12 - Absolutely, I actually had one thing that helped 41:14 me through was a tiny little puppy 41:17 that was just big enough to sit on my shoulder, 41:20 that I had to take care of during the day, 41:23 and it made the difference. 41:24 - My name is Deborah and I'm going to tell you a story 41:30 before I ask the question, my daughter called me 41:32 a couple days ago and I was at work and she said, 41:35 mother, does my insurance cover 41:39 mental health? 41:40 And I said, yes I think it does, why? 41:42 And she said, well it's for Shane, which is her husband, 41:46 I knew he'd had some problems before and I thought they were 41:52 resolved but she says she found him about 3 o'clock in the 41:56 morning, with his gun loaded sitting there contemplating 41:59 shooting himself, she took the gun away and hid it and 42:06 that morning he went ahead and dressed and went to work, and 42:10 she took the gun and put it in her automobile and went to 42:12 work with it cause she didn't want to leave it at home. 42:15 She called me at noon and was crying so I told her, go home, 42:24 you can't function at work, you need to go home cause I had the 42:27 feeling that he was probably there and didn't go to work. 42:30 As soon as I hung up I called my best friend, 42:33 my prayer warrior, 42:34 we got on our knees and prayed and prayed 42:37 and rebuked that spirit that was about him and I called another 42:42 friend of mine who wanted to go in the ministry and we prayed... 42:46 I called an hour and a half later, she called me and I asked 42:53 her how were things, she said, I got home and he was there, 42:56 they had a nice long talk he said he was tired of his family 43:02 badgering him cause his parents had divorced when he 43:05 was young and his siblings went to live with the father 43:08 and he decided to stay with the mom. 43:10 They had been badgering him saying, you're the cause of mom 43:14 and dad splitting, you should come with us, 43:16 you're not any good, you've got to support Karen, 43:18 you don't have a good job... it's just pounding 43:21 after pounding and he finally stood up and said I'm not gonna 43:25 take this any more, I'm just going to 43:27 put that part of my life behind me. 43:29 She said that everything seemed to be ok, they went out later 43:33 and have a nice time and did some activities 43:35 but I'm still worried that that's still there, 43:40 and I want to know what advice I need to give him, 43:43 what to read, what to do? 43:50 - What kind of advice, Revelation 3 gives a text 43:57 that said let no man steal your crown. 44:01 God used my anger, and obviously this gentleman has a lot 44:06 of unresolved anger, God used my anger as the healing point 44:11 for me, of all things, so that I became so angry 44:16 at what people had done to me, and tried to destroy me 44:20 that I resolved, it put steel in my back bone, 44:26 if you want to call it that, I resolved I was not going to 44:29 let them destroy me, but this was not going to happen, 44:33 and I began to read, of all things, the cursing psalms 44:35 I don't know if you are familiar with the cursing 44:37 psalms, but there is a whole slew of psalms that talk about 44:41 banging your enemies head on the ground 44:44 and mashing his teeth with your feet, 44:46 it is very violent and it felt so good 44:49 when I was mad. 44:51 But then I discovered God lead me to discover that every 44:56 cursing psalm were beautiful psalms of praise and 44:58 that's how it slowly evolved into a totally different 45:02 direction which relived the anger and I think 45:06 that anger must be relieved for the healing to take place. 45:11 God has methods of doing that 45:14 which I could talk to you a little later about. 45:17 - Won't you agree that since he has stated this, 45:20 and consider this, we should take it seriously, 45:22 and need to get some kind of further involvement 45:26 don't just think because he said I'm not going to do it, 45:29 that he won't do it. 45:30 - Remember, suicide is based on feelings, and basically 45:35 they want to escape the feeling but reminding yourself 45:39 that there is no feeling once you commit suicide, 45:42 so there is no satisfaction. 45:44 The feeling is a temporary thing, that's why you must 45:49 make a choice not to give in to this feeling, 45:54 it's the only way you can heal. 45:57 - Hi what's your name? 45:58 - Linda. 45:59 - Linda what's your question? 46:00 - Is therapy always necessary? 46:03 - Excellent question. 46:05 - Good question, as I said, God has a thousand ways, 46:11 I have full confidence in a Christian counselor. 46:16 Now I emphasize the word Christian. 46:18 There are many counselors who are not Christian who are 46:21 coming to the problem from a totally different direction. 46:24 And they can do more damage than good. 46:27 Especially if you have been raised in a conservative 46:32 Christian background they'll blame that and actually 46:36 take you further from the Lord. 46:37 You have to be very careful that is a Christian counselor 46:42 and you need to approach going to a counselor 46:45 with a lot of prayer. 46:47 Yes, I think a counselor makes it simpler to get through, 46:51 it doesn't take so long because they have all these techniques 46:54 worked out, try this, this, this, and this, 46:56 that you never even thought of, never crossed your mind, 47:00 and that's the way they can expedite your healing process. 47:06 - Hi welcome to our program, can you tell us 47:09 your name and your question please? 47:11 - Hi my name is Catherine, and because of my profession I'm 47:14 often times confronted with people who I have to counsel, 47:18 in this avenue a lot of times, and because I'm a Christian 47:23 I can always help people if they are believers. 47:27 But my question for you is, if they are not a believer, I'm at 47:30 a loss, there is always the hot line that you can refer them to 47:35 but the hot line is only a Band-Aid, 47:37 it's just a very temporary help. 47:39 What else do you think is a good avenue to send those 47:44 nonbelievers to who have issues with suicide? 47:49 - With a lot of prayer, on your own, ask the Lord to 47:54 anoint your lips and anoint your mind so that what you say 47:59 will be what he wants straight from his throne. 48:02 Then, I believe you have to go through the process of leading 48:05 them to Jesus Christ, even to the point of the 48:10 sinners prayer. 48:12 They have to know God loves them and He has a plan 48:15 for their lives, that they are important to Him, 48:19 otherwise they're nothing more than a piece of cosmic dust. 48:23 Spiraling out of control. 48:25 - Let me ask, does your job allow you to do this? 48:30 - I'm a police officer, so we get those calls, 48:37 and a lot of times we're their life line. 48:44 We're the immediate person to be able to give something to them 48:49 and often times I have lead people to the Lord, 48:53 and prayed with them, sometimes they have 48:56 given their hearts to the Lord, the Lord used me in 49:00 a lot of ways but there has been a couple of times where I've had 49:04 someone who said that they didn't believed in God. 49:10 So far The Holy Spirit has given me the words but I always 49:15 thought what if I had that someone that is so close minded 49:19 that would not hear anything of the Lord? 49:22 Because I know without Christ I have no answers. 49:26 There is no hope without Christ. 49:27 - Maybe Alexandra has a... she's a practicing physiologist. 49:32 - Yes, I always ask people to try to remember a time 49:39 when they didn't feel this way. 49:41 So that at least they can be pulled back to a point where 49:47 they can remember not the blackness of the depression, 49:53 but more light in their lives. 49:55 If I can pull them there, then we can start building on that. 50:00 What did it take for you to create that kind of experience 50:04 in your life at that point so what would you have to do now, 50:07 what issues have to be resolved so you don't feel this way? 50:11 - Alexandra isn't it true, I've heard that many people who 50:15 attempt suicide, if you can intervene on that day, 50:19 if people would want to jump off a bridge, or something, 50:22 they say that often if there is intervention within 24 hours, 50:27 it's passed, they've gotten past that suicidal thought and 50:32 they just need some help. 50:33 One thing that I was thinking as you were talking, if you're 50:38 on a phone line with someone maybe if you 50:42 just get them to give you the name of a close friend, 50:47 if you can't be physically with them... 50:50 - I'm there with them... 50:51 - If you can get the name of a close friend, 50:54 somebody that they... 50:55 instead of leaving them alone, if you can get them to call 51:00 a close friend and get that friend there with them so that 51:04 when you leave you know that there's somebody that cares for 51:07 them, or if they don't have a friend maybe to have a 51:10 professional there that's what I'd do. 51:14 - Thank you. 51:15 - Thank you. Well Kay, where can people 51:21 go to get help? 51:24 - As we mentioned, the hot lines, go to your local pastor, 51:31 to a rabbi, to a priest to whomever you have established 51:38 bonds, if you haven't established bonds, 51:41 this is a good time to start but find someone who is willing 51:45 to listen and not judge you because the feelings you have 51:51 are very, very real. 51:54 But I can tell you that there are luxuries that you 51:57 can't afford. 51:58 I'm a diabetic so I must control all the food I eat, 52:02 my carbohydrates and my sugars, I'm not allowed to have much 52:07 of these, if you have tendencies to think negatively, than you 52:14 have a situation where you need to control, 52:19 it's a luxury you can't afford to whine. 52:23 It's a luxury you can't afford to allow yourself to sit around 52:27 and be depressed. 52:28 You can't allow yourself that luxury because you have a 52:33 condition, that does not make it healthy for you to do it. 52:37 You can't allow yourself to have pity parties, 52:40 You can't allow yourself to hate. 52:42 you cannot allow yourself even to 52:45 hate yourself. 52:46 I have a husband that is so loving that it's incredible, 52:50 one day I baked a cake and I'm the type of person that 52:55 I got to see how it's doing all the time, so I open the thing 52:58 and it totally fell, and I took it out and I was so disgusted 53:01 and I'm oh, you're so stupid, how can you be 53:03 so stupid, but my husband came in the kitchen 53:06 and he turned me around really fast 53:07 and this is not like my husband, he is gentle, 53:09 he turned me around really fast and he says: don't let me ever 53:12 hear you talk about my best friend that way. 53:15 We all need a best friend that way, and you might have to be 53:20 firm with someone who is being negative. 53:23 Don't you talk about my best friend that way! 53:25 Don't allow yourself the luxury of negative thinking, and that's 53:32 where the praise comes in. 53:34 - Tell us, we just have a few minutes left, you have a book 53:40 out called "On Wings of Praise", 53:42 and this is the book you wrote about 53:45 your life experience, how the Lord brought you from 53:48 depression to praise. 53:50 Could you just give us a couple minutes of thought? 53:53 - Ok, to summarize this evening 53:55 I thought it would be interesting 53:57 to go back over the three causes or triggers, one is the pain 54:05 you find a way to ease the pain, get out and jog, 54:08 run up down the street if you have to, to get away from the 54:12 painful situation you are in, another one is increase 54:15 your coping resources by reaching out to other 54:19 people don't be embarrassed, that you are some kind of lesser 54:24 person, because we all go through difficult times, 54:28 and the third one is to exercise the power of praise. 54:33 This rebuilds the faith in God, that's what the praise does, 54:38 it changes you from the person you have become and that 54:42 you hate so much, and you slowly become the person 54:46 God intended you to be. 54:47 The joy of the Lord is my strength, Nehemiah 8:10 54:51 "my strength," why is it that the joy is the first thing 54:55 that goes, when trouble comes? 54:56 Because it is what ruins us and destroys us. 55:00 Now you've rebuild your strength you have decided suicide 55:05 is not for you, you are going to praise God no matter what, 55:09 you are going to turn your negative thoughts to the 55:14 power source of strength, now what happens? Rejoice! 55:18 Because now is the time where you can actually 55:22 use this for helping other people. 55:26 You never go through any experience in life that God 55:31 can't use to enrich someone else's life and to help them. 55:36 That's why Christians go through difficulties, 55:39 sometimes you hear people say, why do Christians have troubles 55:41 if they're God's children? 55:42 Because they need to be able to empathize with those 55:45 who are having problems and when you reach out to another person 55:50 and you began helping that person, you are not only helping 55:54 them and praising God, and He is thrilled with what you're doing 55:58 but you are also strengthening that resolve, 56:01 I am a worthwhile person, 56:04 I am God's child, He loves me and He loves you too so you 56:09 take on an entirely new ministry of sharing where God has taken 56:17 you from and where you are. I can honestly say today that 56:21 knowing where the joy is at this end of the problem, I would 56:26 go through it all again because it's so fantastic. 56:30 - Praise the Lord, I just wanna thank our guests so much, 56:34 Alexandra Vance, thank you Alexandra for sharing with us. 56:39 Kay thank you so much for all you are doing in the body of 56:42 Christ and sharing your testimony to give people hope. 56:45 I just want to share with you, the bible says that God has 56:51 loved us with an ever lasting love, you may not know Him 56:56 as your personal savior yet, but I want to assure you 56:59 of one thing, you are worth nothing less than the price 57:05 Jesus Christ paid for you with his own life blood, 57:08 Psalm 3:3 says that God is 57:14 the lifter of our heads, if you're feeling depressed, 57:19 I just want you to pray to God, ask Him: 57:23 Lord cup your hand under my chin, help me Father 57:28 to get my eyes on you, I want to know who you are, 57:32 and I want to be your child. 57:34 I want to live for eternity with you, 57:38 and you know something? 57:39 If you will do that, God will bring you 57:43 from suicide to praise. 57:45 Thank you so much for joining us, thank you to our 57:49 live audience for being here tonight. |
Revised 2014-12-17