Stay tuned to meet a couple
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who have dedicated
their lives to urban ministry
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and their journey
will tell you why.
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My name is Jason Bradley,
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and you're
watching Urban Report.
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Hello and
welcome to Urban Report.
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My guests today are
Pastor Steven Conway
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and his lovely wife Tammy.
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Welcome to Urban Report.
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Thank you. Thank you.
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It's great to
have you guys here.
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This is your first
time here on Urban Report
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and at 3ABN apparently.
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Yes, yes.
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Yes. So excited.
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Well, I'm excited to have you.
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Tell me a little bit
about your background?
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Well, we're both
from Cleveland, Ohio.
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Okay.
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And we had an interesting,
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well, we met in chemistry class.
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Okay.
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In John Jay Senior High School
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but besides that,
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I was born and raised,
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been taken to church
and what have you and,
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but I didn't have a
personal relationship
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with the Lord Jesus.
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Okay.
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But I knew how to play the game.
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I knew how to say Happy Sabbath,
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praise the Lord,
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Jesus is coming soon
and all of that great stuff.
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Meanwhile, I had
no power in my life.
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And so, for all
intensive purposes,
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I didn't believe
that God existed,
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or at least that
everyone in church was faking,
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because if I
couldn't experience His power,
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then why were all
these other people
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able to miraculously
experience His power,
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but God brought me
through a conversion experience.
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I was actually
going door-to-door
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doing colporteur evangelism
out in Las Vegas, Nevada,
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and I had an encounter with God.
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We were staying in
Las Vegas Junior Academy
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and I remember
the academy was empty
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and I just got into a
fight with my older brother.
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And I was getting
ready to pack my bags
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and I heard God say to me,
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"If you leave
Steven, you'll be lost."
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And I thought it was my brother.
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So I looked
around, nobody was there.
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Again, "Steven, If you
leave, you'll be lost."
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So, for the first
time in my life, I went,
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lay prostrate by the exit door
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and had a talk with
the Lord and came out.
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And God had
literally transformed my life.
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I know it didn't
all happen that night.
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He had been moving
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and working in
a variety of ways.
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But that was a,
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really a life
changing moment for me,
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which led me back to
ultimately Cleveland, Ohio
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where I wanted to
reach out to the people
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that I went to school with
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and I was
reaching out to a family
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that was near
and dear to my heart,
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and in the process
of reaching out to them
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came back in contact
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with this
lovely young lady here.
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It's me.
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Okay, okay, so tell me
little about your background?
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As he said, we went
to high school together
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and I was not necessarily
raised in a church going home.
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You know, my
parents told me about God,
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the people who actually
really gave me a foundation
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as Christians
were my grandparents,
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but I was not
around them very much,
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you know, growing up.
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What led me to God
actually was a lot of mistakes
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that I was making in my life
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and as he said, you know,
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we went to high school together,
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I made, I did
fairly well, you know,
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I made it through high school.
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I got a scholarship to college
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and I felt like things
were going great for me.
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But
unfortunately, the background
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that I came from was
abuse, a broken home,
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and I kind of
substituted success
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for the reason why,
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you know, I didn't really have
to worry about those things.
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But you know when we don't
deal with things in our lives,
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if we don't
surrender them to God,
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some of us don't even
know what those things are,
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they end up
kind of creeping back
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and that's what happened to me.
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I ended up
losing my scholarship,
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I was dating a
guy, I got pregnant,
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ended up having an abortion.
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I mean, life was just
really going down the tubes
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and that's when
I cried out to God,
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you know, and so
I ended up through,
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you know, I know the
Lord was watching me,
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and He was chasing me, I
love to tell people that.
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Yeah.
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And a friend of mine
invited me to church,
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and I went, and from that point,
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I was around 17 or 18 years old,
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I just, I gave it all to
God, I left that relationship,
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all though I lost
my college scholarship,
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you know, the
Lord was continually,
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you know, working in my heart
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and, and there was a point
where I really began to ask God
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to show me Himself, you know,
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I knew there was something more.
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I started off, you know,
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going to the Pentecostal Church,
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which is where my
family, you know, was from,
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but I knew that God
has something more for me
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and that's where this gentleman
came back into the picture.
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He had invited a group
of us over to Bible study.
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He ended up
leaving and going back
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to school into college,
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and we continue
to study, you know,
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with his mother
who I love, you know.
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Given to mom.
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Yeah, that's right.
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And me and his mom
had a lot in common.
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She also came from
an abuse background.
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So, you know, God
did something there.
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And that was the
beginning journey for me
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to begin to not only heal,
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but he began to kind of
shift my purpose in life.
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And I kind of look at
him as an added bonus,
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you know, to all
of that, so you know.
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I like that. Yeah.
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All right.
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Now, how did you
transition into Adventism?
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Wow, you know,
it was interesting,
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because though I
was not necessarily
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raised going to church,
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you know, when
you make a decision
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to do something that's
against the norm of society,
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and for my family,
everyone who went to church
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when they did go,
they went on Sunday.
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And so when I began to kind of
get acquainted with God's Word
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and what the
truth of His Word was,
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and the Sabbath,
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I went to church
for Saturday and Sunday
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for a long time.
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And so it came a point
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where it just didn't make
any sense to do it anymore
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and so I ended up leaving
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and my home church in Ohio
was Chesterville First Church,
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and I loved my pastor
and his wife there who,
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even to this day have
such an impact on my life.
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Now, I didn't know I was
gonna be married to a pastor.
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And they really shaped the idea
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that I have what
ministry is to people
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and the love for
people and it was no-brainer.
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I gave my heart to God
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and I eventually got baptized
as Seventh-day Adventist.
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Nice. Yeah.
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Nice. Yes.
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You know, she left out a part
that was kind of interesting.
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Her aunt had
been studying. Yeah.
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And she had
Amazing Facts Bible study.
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She went to go
visit her aunt. Yes.
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She's studying,
getting ready to get baptized
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and her aunt.
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She was sick.
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She was sick one
day, my mom, you know,
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say let's go visit your
aunt and I went to visit her
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and when we went to the room,
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she had all these Amazing
Facts Bible studies on her bed
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and when I saw
those, I was like,
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"Aunty, I know
those, what are you doing?"
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She's like, "Oh, sweetheart.
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I've been looking at this
guy on TV for a long time.
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He's good." I
said, "Yeah, he is."
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Yeah.
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And I said, you know, you
know, you want to go to church.
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She was like, "Why?"
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I was like, well, "I'm
a Seventh-day Adventist."
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She was like, "I want to go..."
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You know, and long story short,
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I think she was
probably baptized a month later.
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Wow. Yeah.
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Wow. Praise the Lord.
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Yeah. Amen.
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So you guys are also
big on urban ministry.
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Yes. Yes.
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Talk a little bit about that?
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Well, we are, the
church that we're pastoring
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is in Detroit,
the city of Detroit
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and, of course, both of us,
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Tam and I, we grew
up in the inner city.
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Yeah.
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So we know what it's like
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to grow up in an
urban environment.
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We know some of the
temptations, challenges,
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pitfalls of growing
up in that environment,
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also, some of the
opportunities as well.
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And so, but I must confess
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that initially I was
quite hesitant about us,
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you know, accepting
the call to come and pastor
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where we've been,
but by the grace of God
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we've been there
for about eight years.
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And God has been good to us.
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He's been really,
really good to us.
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And right now we're working
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on trying to do a
center of influence
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by the grace of
God in Midtown Detroit,
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and it's going to
incorporate campus ministries
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and food truck ministry
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and some collaborative efforts
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with the Detroit
Public School System.
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Okay. Nice.
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How would you say
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urban ministry has changed
over the past 10 to 20 years?
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Wow.
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You know, I definitely feel like
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when it comes to urban ministry,
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most people look
at the inner city
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as a desolate place.
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You know, they, look at
it, and they think of crime
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and they think of all
these different things,
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which to a certain
degree that may be true,
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but also there are
a lot of good things
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happening in the inner city.
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And there's also a lot of people
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who are searching and
trying to find not just God,
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but they want to
restore their families,
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they want to
restore their health.
00:09:01.17\00:09:02.80
And so I think definitely,
00:09:02.84\00:09:05.27
ministry to the urban
areas has definitely changed.
00:09:05.31\00:09:07.48
Now you see
restaurants popping up
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and people are
more into healthy eating
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and healthy living and you know,
00:09:11.68\00:09:13.68
urban farming and all
these different things.
00:09:13.72\00:09:15.72
And so, it's
definitely broadened.
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Yeah, I also believe
that kind of a misconception
00:09:18.29\00:09:22.22
that people have about
urban ministry is that,
00:09:22.26\00:09:26.33
you know,
you're only ministering
00:09:26.36\00:09:28.30
to a particular
demographic of people.
00:09:28.33\00:09:31.93
But the reality is
00:09:31.97\00:09:33.30
there are literally
hundreds of thousands of people
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who commute from the
suburbs into the inner city.
00:09:35.44\00:09:38.91
And so you really have a
variety of different people
00:09:38.94\00:09:42.64
that you can reach if
you're intentional and,
00:09:42.68\00:09:45.05
of course, if the Spirit
of God is working with you,
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so I think that's another nuance
00:09:47.62\00:09:50.49
that's changed
kind of the approach
00:09:50.52\00:09:52.92
to urban ministry.
00:09:52.95\00:09:54.29
Yeah.
00:09:54.32\00:09:55.66
What would you say are
some of the biggest needs
00:09:55.69\00:09:57.96
in the inner cities?
00:09:57.99\00:10:02.00
I would say definitely,
as far as the inner city,
00:10:02.03\00:10:06.74
when it comes to
housing and development,
00:10:06.77\00:10:11.31
there are a lot of
people in the inner city
00:10:11.34\00:10:15.74
who need
something better, you know,
00:10:15.78\00:10:18.58
and I think all too
often we've painted a picture
00:10:18.61\00:10:21.48
of people who don't want to work
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or who don't want
to, you know, give back
00:10:23.12\00:10:25.75
and that's definitely not true.
00:10:25.79\00:10:27.59
If you go even
where we are right now,
00:10:27.62\00:10:29.29
we are in a community
that's called Brightmoor.
00:10:29.32\00:10:31.73
There are people who
are actually sacrificing
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and leaving their
homes in the suburbs
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and coming and buying property
00:10:36.73\00:10:38.43
and living
there in the community
00:10:38.47\00:10:39.83
to make an impact.
00:10:39.87\00:10:41.20
And, you know, I
know that for many people
00:10:41.24\00:10:42.70
that goes against
probably what they feel
00:10:42.74\00:10:45.54
like we're counseled to
do, but I do know for sure
00:10:45.57\00:10:48.64
that they are committed
00:10:48.68\00:10:50.21
to actually
living amongst the people
00:10:50.25\00:10:52.45
as we would do if we
would go to a country
00:10:52.48\00:10:55.05
outside of the
US and serving them.
00:10:55.08\00:10:57.39
The inner city
needs that as well.
00:10:57.42\00:10:58.75
Yes.
00:10:58.79\00:11:00.12
So what you're saying is
00:11:00.16\00:11:01.49
basically
mission work can begin,
00:11:01.52\00:11:03.32
because you do
see a lot of times
00:11:03.36\00:11:05.33
where people go
out of the country
00:11:05.36\00:11:07.50
to participate in mission work,
00:11:07.53\00:11:09.43
but there is a
huge mission field
00:11:09.46\00:11:12.73
right here in the United States.
00:11:12.77\00:11:14.24
Absolutely.
00:11:14.27\00:11:15.60
In fact, a few years ago,
00:11:15.64\00:11:16.97
we ran a program out of our
church called Urban Mission,
00:11:17.01\00:11:21.94
Detroit where we, at
the time we were working
00:11:21.98\00:11:24.91
with campus
ministries, university students.
00:11:24.95\00:11:27.88
So what we did is we
invited university students
00:11:27.92\00:11:30.82
to dedicate their summer to come
00:11:30.85\00:11:33.52
and do mission work,
00:11:33.56\00:11:34.89
but in an urban setting.
00:11:34.92\00:11:36.59
So we taught them gardening,
00:11:36.62\00:11:38.19
we focused on
reading comprehension,
00:11:38.23\00:11:40.43
as well as trying to build
mathematical abilities as well.
00:11:40.46\00:11:44.67
So we had about six young people
00:11:44.70\00:11:46.84
who came and
dedicated themselves
00:11:46.87\00:11:48.84
and they made a
tremendous impact
00:11:48.87\00:11:50.67
in our community
00:11:50.71\00:11:52.04
and I think I'll kind of
back to your earlier question
00:11:52.07\00:11:54.38
in terms of
what's the greatest need.
00:11:54.41\00:11:56.75
There's this quote,
00:11:56.78\00:11:58.38
as the twig is bent,
the tree is inclined.
00:11:58.41\00:12:01.78
And I think a lot of
times, efforts in the inner city
00:12:01.82\00:12:05.72
or in urban environments
are geared towards adults,
00:12:05.75\00:12:09.26
and that's great, we need that.
00:12:09.29\00:12:11.09
But I think what we
also need is we need efforts
00:12:11.13\00:12:14.00
that are geared
towards the little twigs
00:12:14.03\00:12:15.73
that are coming up,
00:12:15.76\00:12:17.10
that represent the next 10
or 15 years in that program,
00:12:17.13\00:12:21.97
Urban Mission, Detroit,
00:12:22.00\00:12:23.44
we literally saw
about two generations.
00:12:23.47\00:12:27.51
Yeah.
00:12:27.54\00:12:28.88
One of the young men
whose home I visited him,
00:12:28.91\00:12:33.65
he said his grandmother
was in jail for life,
00:12:33.68\00:12:36.52
you know, for murder.
00:12:36.55\00:12:37.89
Wow.
00:12:37.92\00:12:39.25
So, one of the other brother
in the program and myself,
00:12:39.29\00:12:41.32
we were trying to
counsel him and helping him
00:12:41.36\00:12:44.36
to get along better
with his mom and whatnot,
00:12:44.39\00:12:46.86
and we were able to
see him actually grow up,
00:12:46.90\00:12:51.97
and now he has children.
00:12:52.00\00:12:53.40
Wow.
00:12:53.44\00:12:54.77
And so we were
able to come in contact
00:12:54.80\00:12:56.60
through targeting the
children with three generations
00:12:56.64\00:13:00.01
and just to let you know,
00:13:00.04\00:13:01.38
man, the devil is
out for generations.
00:13:01.41\00:13:05.25
He's not after just
one person here or there.
00:13:05.28\00:13:07.85
He's out.
00:13:07.88\00:13:09.22
I'm gonna get
grandma, I'm gonna get mama,
00:13:09.25\00:13:11.42
I'm gonna get grandchild,
I'm gonna get great grandchild.
00:13:11.45\00:13:14.12
And I think as Christians
who are doing urban ministry,
00:13:14.16\00:13:17.19
we need to be begin to think
00:13:17.23\00:13:18.79
along those same
lines generationally,
00:13:18.83\00:13:20.76
and one of the generations
00:13:20.80\00:13:22.13
that's been left
out is the children.
00:13:22.16\00:13:25.07
Speaking of children,
and speaking of family
00:13:25.10\00:13:27.14
and speaking of generations,
00:13:27.17\00:13:28.77
legacy and all of those things,
you guys are big on family.
00:13:28.80\00:13:32.77
Yeah. Right?
00:13:32.81\00:13:34.14
We actually have a
picture of you and your family.
00:13:34.18\00:13:37.45
Yes.
00:13:37.48\00:13:39.25
And look at that.
00:13:39.28\00:13:41.45
They're a lot bigger than then.
00:13:41.48\00:13:42.82
They are way
bigger than that now.
00:13:42.85\00:13:44.19
There they are. Yup.
00:13:44.22\00:13:46.02
So you also do
marriage counseling,
00:13:46.05\00:13:50.93
talk to us about that ministry?
00:13:50.96\00:13:53.26
Wow.
00:13:53.29\00:13:54.63
Well, you know, the
funny thing about that
00:13:54.66\00:13:56.13
is like I said earlier,
00:13:56.16\00:13:57.80
we both come from
broken beginnings.
00:13:57.83\00:14:00.27
You know, my parents
divorced when I was around nine,
00:14:00.30\00:14:02.60
my dad was an alcoholic
so I saw abuse in the home,
00:14:02.64\00:14:05.31
sexual abuse I experienced
00:14:05.34\00:14:07.04
and my husband,
you know, coming from,
00:14:07.08\00:14:09.28
you know, a broken,
you know, beginning.
00:14:09.31\00:14:11.78
We knew we were set up to
fail, make no mistake about it,
00:14:11.81\00:14:15.02
we were not supposed to make it.
00:14:15.05\00:14:17.09
And so when we
knew that we were going
00:14:17.12\00:14:20.46
to be forming a
nucleus or a family,
00:14:20.49\00:14:23.29
we began to
experience some struggle.
00:14:23.32\00:14:25.53
It was hard, you know,
the first couple of years.
00:14:25.56\00:14:27.40
Yeah, I think,
you know, and there,
00:14:27.43\00:14:29.73
there are
definitely some markers,
00:14:29.76\00:14:32.50
'cause we got
married and like everybody,
00:14:32.53\00:14:34.47
oh, we love Jesus.
00:14:34.50\00:14:35.97
Jesus is coming
again, love is all you need.
00:14:36.00\00:14:40.34
And, you know,
the Lord intervened
00:14:40.38\00:14:43.91
because we were
trying to do things
00:14:43.95\00:14:45.41
in harmony with
principle and want to be,
00:14:45.45\00:14:48.08
want to involve our families
and all that which we did.
00:14:48.12\00:14:51.05
But God began to instruct us
00:14:51.09\00:14:53.66
and teach us some
things about ourselves
00:14:53.69\00:14:56.19
that we really didn't know
00:14:56.22\00:14:57.99
and He did that
within the first year or so
00:14:58.03\00:15:00.43
of our marriage
and what we realize is
00:15:00.46\00:15:03.87
because a lot of our
friends in the church
00:15:03.90\00:15:07.20
and those who
were secular friends
00:15:07.24\00:15:09.64
had gotten married
around the same time
00:15:09.67\00:15:11.67
and within about two
years of being married,
00:15:11.71\00:15:14.81
we found that probably
about 90% had divorced.
00:15:14.84\00:15:18.71
Wow.
00:15:18.75\00:15:20.08
So that caused us to
step back again and say,
00:15:20.12\00:15:23.18
"What on earth is going on?"
00:15:23.22\00:15:24.82
It was, it was scary, you know,
00:15:24.85\00:15:26.82
and we knew what
we were up against.
00:15:26.86\00:15:29.19
But then we're like, man,
00:15:29.22\00:15:30.56
even those in the
church can't survive.
00:15:30.59\00:15:31.93
I mean, it's such a scary thing.
00:15:31.96\00:15:33.29
And so we were like,
you know what, no, like,
00:15:33.33\00:15:35.40
something has to be done.
00:15:35.43\00:15:36.77
You know what that was,
00:15:36.80\00:15:38.13
we didn't really
know at the time,
00:15:38.17\00:15:39.50
but God was so
gracious to send people
00:15:39.53\00:15:42.44
and to send
resources and tools to us
00:15:42.47\00:15:45.67
to help us in
those earlier stages
00:15:45.71\00:15:47.91
to kind of
prepare us along the way
00:15:47.94\00:15:49.38
and it just so
happened as we learned,
00:15:49.41\00:15:51.61
we came in
contact with other people
00:15:51.65\00:15:53.25
and it just
snowballed from there.
00:15:53.28\00:15:54.98
Yeah, and it's like with
us, is not we don't go anywhere,
00:15:55.02\00:15:58.02
like yes, we're gonna fix it.
00:15:58.05\00:15:59.39
Right. We don't do that.
00:15:59.42\00:16:01.16
'Cause that is
not what, you know...
00:16:01.19\00:16:03.09
But we're passionate about it...
00:16:03.12\00:16:05.06
Yeah.
00:16:05.09\00:16:06.43
People ask us questions,
00:16:06.46\00:16:07.80
we got married kind
of early, you know, 23.
00:16:07.83\00:16:10.77
And so because of that,
00:16:10.80\00:16:13.27
we had kind of gone
over some of the ground
00:16:13.30\00:16:15.54
that even our
peers hadn't gone over
00:16:15.57\00:16:18.04
and so the
discussions would just come up,
00:16:18.07\00:16:20.08
and we would just share things
00:16:20.11\00:16:21.44
that we were
learning from our experiences.
00:16:21.48\00:16:23.95
We had children, of course,
before a lot of our peers.
00:16:23.98\00:16:26.98
So they're like, man,
00:16:27.02\00:16:28.35
how don't you
guys navigate this?
00:16:28.38\00:16:29.72
And we're like,
00:16:29.75\00:16:31.09
"Man, this is what
God is teaching us."
00:16:31.12\00:16:32.45
And so it's kind of just,
00:16:32.49\00:16:34.09
you know, you help one person,
00:16:34.12\00:16:36.76
and then they refer someone else
00:16:36.79\00:16:38.56
and God has kind
of been pushing us
00:16:38.59\00:16:40.96
in that direction.
00:16:41.00\00:16:42.33
Yeah. Wow, wow.
00:16:42.36\00:16:43.80
And I think one
of the great things
00:16:43.83\00:16:45.60
is like you said,
you did get married
00:16:45.63\00:16:47.27
at an early age but you've...
00:16:47.30\00:16:49.70
So now like when
you counsel somebody
00:16:49.74\00:16:51.64
who may have,
00:16:51.67\00:16:53.27
they got married
at an early age too
00:16:53.31\00:16:55.34
like you kind
of reflect back to,
00:16:55.38\00:16:58.81
you know, what you
guys were going through
00:16:58.85\00:17:00.58
during that
particular time period
00:17:00.62\00:17:02.82
and talk to them and
reach them where they are,
00:17:02.85\00:17:06.42
as well and the
name of your ministry is?
00:17:06.45\00:17:09.92
Stamena4Life. Stamena4Life.
00:17:09.96\00:17:11.83
Stamena4Life,
00:17:11.86\00:17:13.19
and I know when
people see it the name
00:17:13.23\00:17:14.56
is kind of spell
kind of different.
00:17:14.60\00:17:15.93
We were trying to be cute
00:17:15.96\00:17:17.30
really it was me, it wasn't him.
00:17:17.33\00:17:20.07
In Stamena, you know,
00:17:20.10\00:17:21.44
spelled like a portamento,
00:17:21.47\00:17:22.80
right of his name of
my name put together.
00:17:22.84\00:17:25.54
But really stamina, no
matter what you go through
00:17:25.57\00:17:28.61
every
relationship that you're in,
00:17:28.64\00:17:30.18
whether it's
marriage, parenting,
00:17:30.21\00:17:32.28
or just trying to get along
with your neighbor next door,
00:17:32.31\00:17:34.62
you're gonna need stamina,
00:17:34.65\00:17:35.98
you're gonna need to know
how am I going to endure this
00:17:36.02\00:17:38.15
and what do I need to do?
00:17:38.19\00:17:39.52
What do I need to say,
00:17:39.55\00:17:40.89
you know, do I need
to think differently?
00:17:40.92\00:17:42.42
Do I need to react differently?
00:17:42.46\00:17:43.83
It takes stamina
'cause it's hard work.
00:17:43.86\00:17:45.96
Yeah.
00:17:45.99\00:17:48.36
What would you say has been
the biggest contributing factor
00:17:48.40\00:17:53.50
to the success of your marriage?
00:17:53.54\00:17:57.21
Wow, Jesus.
00:17:57.24\00:17:58.84
Hallelujah.
00:17:58.87\00:18:00.94
Of course, that's the, you know,
00:18:00.98\00:18:02.78
every little child in the,
you know, what's the answer?
00:18:02.81\00:18:05.11
Jesus.
00:18:05.15\00:18:06.48
And, of course, we
got to chime in and say,
00:18:06.51\00:18:08.15
obviously, that is
divine intervention.
00:18:08.18\00:18:10.75
Definitely.
00:18:10.79\00:18:12.35
But I'll go back to something
and I mentioned earlier,
00:18:12.39\00:18:15.32
some tools that were given to us
00:18:15.36\00:18:17.63
at the
beginning of our marriage.
00:18:17.66\00:18:20.40
And I think those
tools actually helped us
00:18:20.43\00:18:23.70
in the area of communication.
00:18:23.73\00:18:25.23
Yeah.
00:18:25.27\00:18:26.60
Because it was my mom,
00:18:26.63\00:18:28.40
the same mom that
studied the Bible with her,
00:18:28.44\00:18:30.41
Oh, I got something
for you, you need to listen
00:18:30.44\00:18:32.64
and I remember we
just started listening
00:18:32.67\00:18:34.31
to these tapes
00:18:34.34\00:18:35.68
and as we were
listening to them,
00:18:35.71\00:18:37.05
we would just press stop
00:18:37.08\00:18:38.58
and then we will begin to talk
00:18:38.61\00:18:41.02
about things and in ways
00:18:41.05\00:18:43.08
that we had not
talked with anyone before,
00:18:43.12\00:18:47.82
much less each other.
00:18:47.86\00:18:49.59
And that kind of started
a depth of communication.
00:18:49.62\00:18:52.49
And I think the reason
why I think that's so powerful
00:18:52.53\00:18:54.26
is because the
truth is many of us
00:18:54.30\00:18:55.90
are not given a vocabulary.
00:18:55.93\00:18:58.47
You know, if
you're raised in a home
00:18:58.50\00:19:00.07
where people are cursing you out
00:19:00.10\00:19:01.54
or yelling at you, or
they don't talk at all.
00:19:01.57\00:19:04.14
Some families don't
talk about anything.
00:19:04.17\00:19:06.27
So you're not given a vocabulary
00:19:06.31\00:19:07.84
to know how to
deal with conflict,
00:19:07.88\00:19:09.44
or how to deal
with your feelings
00:19:09.48\00:19:10.88
or your emotions and so...
00:19:10.91\00:19:12.31
Or even to know
00:19:12.35\00:19:13.68
what those
emotions or feelings are.
00:19:13.72\00:19:15.15
Yeah. Yeah.
00:19:15.18\00:19:16.69
And before the program,
00:19:16.72\00:19:18.89
we were sitting down
and we were talking about,
00:19:18.92\00:19:21.86
was it emotional?
00:19:21.89\00:19:23.43
An emotional vocabulary.
00:19:23.46\00:19:24.79
Vocabulary? Yes, yeah.
00:19:24.83\00:19:26.19
We were
actually on the way here.
00:19:26.23\00:19:28.06
Yeah.
00:19:28.10\00:19:29.43
We were listening
and that's another thing
00:19:29.46\00:19:30.80
that God has
placed on our hearts.
00:19:30.83\00:19:33.34
We don't know everything,
00:19:33.37\00:19:34.74
certainly don't
have all the answers,
00:19:34.77\00:19:36.67
and the website
00:19:36.71\00:19:38.04
and all it doesn't
have all the answers.
00:19:38.07\00:19:40.11
But we are
constantly trying to improve
00:19:40.14\00:19:44.15
on what God has given us.
00:19:44.18\00:19:45.51
We're thankful,
00:19:45.55\00:19:46.88
but we're always
reaching for something better
00:19:46.92\00:19:48.78
and so on the way
here, we were listening
00:19:48.82\00:19:51.55
to something on
parenting and we just again,
00:19:51.59\00:19:55.06
press pause and went into a
two and a half hour conversation
00:19:55.09\00:19:58.83
'cause it takes about
eight hours to get here
00:19:58.86\00:20:00.66
but two and a
half hour conversation
00:20:00.70\00:20:03.03
about an emotional vocabulary.
00:20:03.06\00:20:05.43
Just being able
to, first of all,
00:20:05.47\00:20:07.00
being able to acknowledge
00:20:07.04\00:20:08.37
and identify what
this is that I'm feeling.
00:20:08.40\00:20:12.17
As I mentioned to you earlier
that a lot of times as man,
00:20:12.21\00:20:15.58
you're told, don't cry,
stop acting like a girl.
00:20:15.61\00:20:18.35
Thought that
this then the other,
00:20:18.38\00:20:19.88
and the only emotion that
you are kind of encouraged
00:20:19.91\00:20:23.92
towards or not
punished for is anger.
00:20:23.95\00:20:27.19
And so that
secondary emotion tends to,
00:20:27.22\00:20:30.49
it tends to be an umbrella
00:20:30.53\00:20:32.19
and covers all
the primary emotions.
00:20:32.23\00:20:34.20
So I really don't understand
00:20:34.23\00:20:35.83
what I'm feeling
when I feel hurt.
00:20:35.86\00:20:37.73
I'm not able to
identify the fact
00:20:37.77\00:20:39.93
that I'm afraid, I'm fearful.
00:20:39.97\00:20:41.60
I'm not able to put my finger
on the fact that I'm feeling,
00:20:41.64\00:20:45.41
I'm feeling rejected, right?
00:20:45.44\00:20:47.38
So I just get angry, right?
00:20:47.41\00:20:49.44
So if I don't have
an emotional vocabulary,
00:20:49.48\00:20:52.71
then I'm unable to
share with the people
00:20:52.75\00:20:54.68
who are important in my life,
00:20:54.72\00:20:56.48
what it is that
I'm going through,
00:20:56.52\00:20:58.25
so they can't help me
00:20:58.29\00:20:59.75
and I'm unable to identify
what it is I'm going through,
00:20:59.79\00:21:02.69
so I can't help myself either.
00:21:02.72\00:21:04.43
Of course, we know
if you go to the doctor,
00:21:04.46\00:21:05.86
they're gonna
say, "What's wrong?"
00:21:05.89\00:21:07.66
And imagine a patient
00:21:07.70\00:21:09.86
who doesn't have the
language to be able to express
00:21:09.90\00:21:13.54
what it is that they're feeling,
00:21:13.57\00:21:15.07
it's gonna be
extremely difficult,
00:21:15.10\00:21:16.44
almost impossible.
00:21:16.47\00:21:17.81
And then for some people
that comes on in addiction,
00:21:17.84\00:21:20.01
you know, the
pain we reflected into,
00:21:20.04\00:21:22.78
you know, drugs or
food or pornography
00:21:22.81\00:21:25.81
or whatever the
case may be and so,
00:21:25.85\00:21:27.68
it's so important and
so, and it's funny enough,
00:21:27.72\00:21:30.02
our children were
in the car with us.
00:21:30.05\00:21:32.05
And we began to
dialogue with them,
00:21:32.09\00:21:34.19
you know, so if there's anything
00:21:34.22\00:21:35.86
that I'm so
grateful for is that we have
00:21:35.89\00:21:38.59
not just between
ourselves the communication,
00:21:38.63\00:21:40.30
but with our children also.
00:21:40.33\00:21:43.16
So what does a
counseling session
00:21:43.20\00:21:45.53
with you guys look?
00:21:45.57\00:21:46.90
Oh, Lord.
00:21:46.94\00:21:48.54
What did that look like?
00:21:48.57\00:21:50.21
You know, I'll be honest,
you know, at first it's raw.
00:21:50.24\00:21:54.18
Yeah.
00:21:54.21\00:21:55.54
So, but, you know, let me,
00:21:55.58\00:21:58.71
okay, if we're doing pre
marriage counseling is raw
00:21:58.75\00:22:02.62
and we probably within
the first 10 or 15 minutes,
00:22:02.65\00:22:06.72
they're like,
why did we come here?
00:22:06.76\00:22:09.32
But we just want to
ask people some very, like,
00:22:09.36\00:22:12.56
why do you think
you're ready to get married?
00:22:12.59\00:22:14.73
You know, why do
you feel like right now
00:22:14.76\00:22:17.13
that you're
prepared for marriage?
00:22:17.17\00:22:18.90
And we never tell people like,
00:22:18.93\00:22:20.40
you know that
they can't get married.
00:22:20.44\00:22:21.80
I mean, listen,
unless you're like,
00:22:21.84\00:22:23.97
a crack addict or, you know,
00:22:24.01\00:22:25.34
like there's
some serious going on,
00:22:25.37\00:22:26.71
then definitely will step in.
00:22:26.74\00:22:28.08
But for the most part
is not up to us to tell you
00:22:28.11\00:22:30.35
whether or not you
should or shouldn't get married.
00:22:30.38\00:22:32.05
We're there so that
you're aware of the realities
00:22:32.08\00:22:34.12
of what marriage is and
who you are as a person.
00:22:34.15\00:22:37.12
Because we
believe that love is...
00:22:37.15\00:22:40.99
There's personal
responsibility in choice
00:22:41.02\00:22:43.96
that's involved with love.
00:22:43.99\00:22:45.33
I can counsel you
not to do something.
00:22:45.36\00:22:47.46
And I've done that before. Yeah.
00:22:47.50\00:22:48.83
And people have
gone ahead and done.
00:22:48.86\00:22:50.20
It doesn't mean I
don't love you anymore.
00:22:50.23\00:22:51.97
It just means you
have a responsibility.
00:22:52.00\00:22:54.64
You made the choice.
00:22:54.67\00:22:56.00
You have to live with it.
00:22:56.04\00:22:57.37
But, so we're kind of, you know,
00:22:57.41\00:22:59.87
in your face with that,
00:22:59.91\00:23:01.58
and then with other couples,
we are just encouraging them,
00:23:01.61\00:23:05.21
especially when
couples come to us
00:23:05.25\00:23:07.12
and say we need help.
00:23:07.15\00:23:08.88
Well, tell us what, what
it is you're dealing with.
00:23:08.92\00:23:12.85
You might may be
may not be surprised
00:23:12.89\00:23:15.59
that how many couples
will come to help for help,
00:23:15.62\00:23:18.73
and then they are ashamed
00:23:18.76\00:23:20.23
to actually tell you
what they're going through.
00:23:20.26\00:23:21.60
Yeah.
00:23:21.63\00:23:22.96
So they'll sit
there and be like,
00:23:23.00\00:23:24.33
yeah, well, you know,
00:23:24.37\00:23:25.70
we just haven't been
getting along lately.
00:23:25.73\00:23:27.07
Really?
00:23:27.10\00:23:28.44
So y'all came
all the way out here
00:23:28.47\00:23:29.80
to talk to us that
00:23:29.84\00:23:31.17
that's all haven't
been getting along lately.
00:23:31.21\00:23:32.54
Well, welcome to the
club, there's a lot of them.
00:23:32.57\00:23:33.91
So we try to encourage them,
00:23:33.94\00:23:35.28
hey, listen, if
you're not upfront with us,
00:23:35.31\00:23:37.95
if you don't tell us,
00:23:37.98\00:23:39.61
we're not mind
readers, we don't know.
00:23:39.65\00:23:41.55
So...
00:23:41.58\00:23:42.92
And that is a safe place.
00:23:42.95\00:23:44.29
You know, we don't talk
about people's business,
00:23:44.32\00:23:46.45
you know, to other people.
00:23:46.49\00:23:47.82
So if people know
that when they come to us,
00:23:47.86\00:23:49.76
they can be
themselves, they can be honest,
00:23:49.79\00:23:51.69
there's nothing you can
tell us that's gonna shock us
00:23:51.73\00:23:53.56
and say, "Oh my goodness."
00:23:53.60\00:23:55.06
No, you know, life is hard
00:23:55.10\00:23:57.33
but with God, all
things are possible.
00:23:57.37\00:23:58.80
Amen.
00:23:58.83\00:24:00.17
I think the other thing
is that we try to give hope.
00:24:00.20\00:24:02.14
Yeah, definitely.
00:24:02.17\00:24:03.51
We help and encourage,
00:24:03.54\00:24:05.01
we hope that we
help encourage couples
00:24:05.04\00:24:06.81
that with God's help, you know,
00:24:06.84\00:24:09.08
no matter what our situation is,
00:24:09.11\00:24:11.01
He can fix it.
00:24:11.05\00:24:12.38
He can make something beautiful
out of something that is,
00:24:12.41\00:24:15.88
it appears to be a
complete and total disaster.
00:24:15.92\00:24:18.22
And we are, you
know, our marriage,
00:24:18.25\00:24:21.96
we believe is
an example of that.
00:24:21.99\00:24:23.43
Amen.
00:24:23.46\00:24:25.73
And what about parenting?
00:24:25.76\00:24:27.50
Oh, that's a whole another.
00:24:27.53\00:24:31.63
What kind of tips do you have
00:24:31.67\00:24:33.20
for maybe the young
parent that's out there?
00:24:33.23\00:24:37.07
I would say let
yourself off the hook,
00:24:37.11\00:24:39.97
and what I mean by that is,
00:24:40.01\00:24:41.61
you know,
especially for new parents,
00:24:41.64\00:24:43.04
you come in so bright
eyed which you should you know,
00:24:43.08\00:24:46.15
but you want to be perfect.
00:24:46.18\00:24:47.62
There is no perfect parent,
you know, accept the help,
00:24:47.65\00:24:51.05
say help, wave the white flag
00:24:51.09\00:24:53.46
and say I'm having
problems, I'm having trouble.
00:24:53.49\00:24:55.52
So if there's one
thing I could say is,
00:24:55.56\00:24:57.83
you know, let
yourself off the hook
00:24:57.86\00:24:59.73
and put Jesus on
the pedestal, you know.
00:24:59.76\00:25:01.30
Yes, yes.
00:25:01.33\00:25:02.66
Yeah. Yeah.
00:25:02.70\00:25:04.03
For me, I'd probably say,
00:25:04.07\00:25:07.24
I said communication already.
00:25:07.27\00:25:09.67
But I think in the
context of communication for us,
00:25:09.70\00:25:13.78
the best, some of the best times
00:25:13.81\00:25:15.94
that we have as a family
is during family worship.
00:25:15.98\00:25:19.25
Oh, yeah.
00:25:19.28\00:25:21.28
And most of my sermons
come from family worship.
00:25:21.32\00:25:24.15
He wouldn't have
a sermon without us,
00:25:24.19\00:25:26.42
I am convinced, okay.
00:25:26.45\00:25:27.86
The questions and the ideas
00:25:27.89\00:25:30.03
that my family
throw at one another
00:25:30.06\00:25:33.09
during family
worship, like, wow,
00:25:33.13\00:25:35.53
I am gonna preach
on that, that's great.
00:25:35.56\00:25:37.17
But it gives us an
opportunity to talk.
00:25:37.20\00:25:39.07
Yeah.
00:25:39.10\00:25:40.44
My children can ask, you know,
00:25:40.47\00:25:42.04
the youngest one is
eight, the oldest is 17.
00:25:42.07\00:25:44.44
They can ask us
whatever they want to
00:25:44.47\00:25:46.84
and we try to
find in the stories
00:25:46.88\00:25:49.64
of the Bible answers,
00:25:49.68\00:25:51.65
and I don't
always have the answers,
00:25:51.68\00:25:53.55
but we can talk and say,
"Hey, what do you think?"
00:25:53.58\00:25:55.55
And so
communication with our children,
00:25:55.58\00:25:58.42
I think if you're
looking for something
00:25:58.45\00:26:00.56
that's gonna be
important, it's got to be that.
00:26:00.59\00:26:03.83
Yeah.
00:26:03.86\00:26:05.19
I want to put up a graphic
of your contact information
00:26:05.23\00:26:08.83
because there might be
somebody at home that's saying,
00:26:08.86\00:26:10.83
"We need to call them,
00:26:10.87\00:26:12.77
we need to, you
know, get some counseling,
00:26:12.80\00:26:14.70
get some help with our marriage
00:26:14.74\00:26:16.14
or get some help
with our relationship
00:26:16.17\00:26:18.34
or with our kids and
parenting and all that stuff."
00:26:18.37\00:26:21.31
So how do people
get in contact with you?
00:26:21.34\00:26:26.15
Well,
Stamena4Life, you can reach us
00:26:26.18\00:26:28.78
at PO Box 871591,
00:26:28.82\00:26:33.25
Canton, Michigan 48187.
00:26:33.29\00:26:37.06
And if you want to email us,
00:26:37.09\00:26:38.96
you can reach us at
Stamena4Life@gmail.com.
00:26:38.99\00:26:42.36
And you can also
go to our website,
00:26:42.40\00:26:43.97
we're still
updating it at the moment
00:26:44.00\00:26:45.57
but it's Stamena4Life.com.
00:26:45.60\00:26:50.04
Yep, wow, you
know, one of the things
00:26:50.07\00:26:52.11
that I love about you
guys is you're team, you know,
00:26:52.14\00:26:55.44
and I get that
like, it comes across,
00:26:55.48\00:26:58.61
you can see that, like,
even how you finished off the,
00:26:58.65\00:27:01.88
you know, you just pick up
00:27:01.92\00:27:03.28
right where the
other one leaves off
00:27:03.32\00:27:04.92
and you're a solid team,
00:27:04.95\00:27:07.49
which in ministry
like being a pastor,
00:27:07.52\00:27:10.39
and being a first lady,
00:27:10.43\00:27:12.53
that's got to be difficult
00:27:12.56\00:27:14.46
because people are
putting you on that
00:27:14.50\00:27:15.96
that pedestal, too.
00:27:16.00\00:27:18.47
Yeah, let me just let you know.
00:27:18.50\00:27:20.34
She despises being
called the first lady.
00:27:20.37\00:27:25.64
I do like I'm just
Tammy and I get it, you know,
00:27:25.67\00:27:28.18
I understand the role that I am,
00:27:28.21\00:27:29.74
that it is a leadership role,
00:27:29.78\00:27:31.51
but at the end of the day,
I have to be myself, you know,
00:27:31.55\00:27:34.58
I'm not the one
you're gonna see with,
00:27:34.62\00:27:36.28
you know, fancy
clothes, probably,
00:27:36.32\00:27:37.82
I have my moments
but I got four kids,
00:27:37.85\00:27:39.45
I ain't got time for that.
00:27:39.49\00:27:40.82
But, you know,
00:27:40.86\00:27:42.19
I just got to be me
and love the people.
00:27:42.22\00:27:43.56
Amen. Amen.
00:27:43.59\00:27:44.93
Well, I guess I've learned now
00:27:44.96\00:27:47.16
I will never call
you a first lady again.
00:27:47.20\00:27:51.10
All right, well, thank
you so much for coming on
00:27:51.13\00:27:53.00
and sharing with us.
00:27:53.03\00:27:54.67
And thank you for joining us.
00:27:54.70\00:27:56.04
Well, we've reached
the end of another program.
00:27:56.07\00:27:58.01
Thanks for tuning in.
00:27:58.04\00:27:59.37
And remember,
00:27:59.41\00:28:00.74
it just wouldn't be
the same without you.
00:28:00.78\00:28:02.14