Stay tuned to
meet a TV host couple
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whose journey
through grief and loss
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will inspire you.
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My name is Yvonne Lewis-Shelton,
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and you are
watching Urban Report.
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Hello, and
welcome to Urban Report.
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Recently I had the privilege
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of talking with Xavier
and Brittany Hill Morales,
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host of A Father's Heart
and Pure Choices respectively.
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I interviewed them on
the set of Pure Choices
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where Brittany had just
finished her third season
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of hosting and
our 150th program.
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What they reveal to
me during the interview
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astounded and inspired me.
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Take a look and by the way,
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some of the
content may not be suitable
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for young children,
parental discretion is advised.
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I am so thrilled to be
on the set of Pure Choices.
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This is our eighth
season with Pure Choices,
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and Brittany Hill Morales
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has been the
host and coordinator
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for how many seasons, Brittany?
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Three.
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Three seasons
and what a blessing,
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and your husband, Xavier
has also been on Pure Choices
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and is also the
host of A Father's Heart.
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So we have a host couple here.
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And we just finished,
well just about finished taping
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our eighth
season of Pure Choices.
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And did our 150th episode.
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Yay! What a
blessing. What a blessing.
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So I wanna say
thank you to both of you,
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because it's really not easy
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to do all of this,
to host, to coordinate,
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I mean it's really
not easy but you two,
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just you really
throw yourselves into it
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and we really
appreciate all that you do,
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so I wanna just
tell you, our viewers,
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how much we
appreciate the hard work
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that both of you do.
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And on and off the
set I noticed that like,
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we haven't taped A
Father's Heart in a while,
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but Xavier came
with you to support.
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Tell us like, Xavier,
what you've been doing
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to support your wife
and the Pure Choices team,
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even though you're
not taping this season,
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but you came here to
support, what are you doing?
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Yeah, I mean, it's hard work so,
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people go hungry
so I've been cooking
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all the lunches for the team...
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Yes, very good.
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And sending out the
troops in the morning
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with a special
devotion with them,
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and kind of rallying
them up spiritually to,
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to get charged for the day
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and just providing
the back end support
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'cause I know my
wife can't do everything
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so I gotta step
in and do my part.
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That's so nice, that's so sweet.
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And you have your
baby girl with you.
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We do.
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She is a doll too. Thank you.
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She's such a
beautiful baby so...
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Oh, she's not a baby
now, right, she's three?
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No, she's getting old, yeah,
she's three and going on 16.
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Yeah.
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What are you guys,
when you're not here
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taping Pure Choices,
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what are you doing for work?
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For work, I am a
limited licensed marriage
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and family therapist.
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So I'm a counselor, I
help couples, families,
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children, seniors,
it's a wide variety.
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And I also do focus
work on two off days
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with kiddos that have autism.
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So that's
another passion of mine.
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So it's not only
marriage and family therapy,
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I'm also helping
children as they're developing
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and growing with autism.
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Oh, that's beautiful.
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What about you, Xavier?
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I'm a chaplain by profession.
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I'm a hospital chaplain.
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So I deal mostly with
trauma and pediatrics as well.
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And I'm also a police
chaplain still going on, say,
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seven plus years of doing that.
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So, yeah, I'm in
the trauma field.
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So I see a lot of
death, a lot of, dealt
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with a lot of grieving families
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and kind of helping them cope
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and get through the
darkest time in life.
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That has to be so challenging,
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so rewarding in certain ways
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and then very challenging
and draining in other ways,
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both of you, therapy,
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'cause I used to be
involved in therapy,
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and as a therapist,
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and it's very, it drains.
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Yeah.
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It's very draining and
a lot of the principles,
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the good thing is a
lot of the principles,
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you can apply to
your lives, right?
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Yes, that's the
benefit, definitely a benefit.
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Yes, yes.
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And people can look at you guys
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and they'll watch
you on Pure Choices,
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you on A Father's Heart.
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And they might say, you know,
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they don't really have anything,
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any problems or, you know,
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they've mastered
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how to do this and all of that.
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Tell us what's
been going on with you
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and share what's
been going on with you?
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Where do we begin?
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For us as a couple,
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I think one of the
most significant things
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that have been going on
for us is balancing, parenting,
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balancing job and our
roles and our responsibilities.
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That has not been an easy task,
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learning how to kind of support
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and lean in on to each other.
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And with that as the premise,
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we're dealing with grief.
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Two years ago, we
lost a son in a miscarriage
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and then a year ago on
my daughter's birthday,
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we lost his mom.
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So it was trying to
deal one year with one level.
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And even though
not fully recovered
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will pile that
upon with something else
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in addition to it.
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It's a lot of pressure
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'cause it's like you just
got cut wide open with one
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and then you
don't have time to heal
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and all of a sudden,
it's like a big batch of salt
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gets thrown on you
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as you deal with
another grief, another big loss.
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It's one thing to lose,
you know, I mean, I love dogs.
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You know, it's one
thing to lose your dog
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or one thing to
lose, you know, a friend
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or extended family member
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but it's another
to lose your child
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and your mom back to back.
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I had no idea you know
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that you guys were
going through this?
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And I'm so sorry for your loss.
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How did you?
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Let's start with
the loss of your son?
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How did you cope with that?
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And what were
some of the challenges
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as you were
dealing with the grief?
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What were some of the challenges
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that you found
individually and as a couple?
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I can probably start
off with individually.
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Before we got married,
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I had this intense fear
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of losing a child
that I spoke to Xavier
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and probably even suggested,
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let's not even
try to have children
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because I do not
want to lose a child.
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And we did
premarital counseling,
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and we covered all
the different topics,
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but we never
discussed that grief,
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or what the
potential grief or that fear
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or the potential
of even having a loss.
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So he told me to trust
God and trust in the process
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and trust in the
relationship dynamics.
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And let's see how things go.
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We had a first
pregnancy was rough,
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but our
beautiful daughter is here
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and then the second pregnancy,
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I was feeling like
this is might be okay.
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It might
actually end successfully.
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It's gonna be
great. It's a lot smoother.
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My husband is
right, I can trust in God.
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That's an
important element to add.
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And then it happened.
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And my whole world
just crushed and devastated.
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How far along were you?
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We're not completely sure,
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we were still in
the first trimester.
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But I felt such a connection.
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And even kind
of reflecting back,
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he also felt a connection.
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We both were sick.
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We were both were
feeling nauseated.
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So we were in the,
maybe with pregnant mindset.
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Let's go and
figure this out soon.
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But we're still like
kind of dancing with the idea,
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oh, it's just gonna be
cool, it's gonna be interesting
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that when my
miscarriage was happening,
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I didn't even
know it was happening.
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I honestly thought, okay,
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I guess we were completely wrong
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and these past couple of months
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was just me not having a period.
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It never even began
to come to my mindset
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that this is really happening.
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I am really losing a child
and even went to the hospital,
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I was like, I
think I'm just having
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a really strange
period right now,
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because there was
nowhere in my mindset
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that I was miscarrying
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and when he came
into the picture,
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we played those five, six days,
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like over and
over and over again.
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For me, it was
what did Brittany do?
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How did Brittany contribute
to this significant loss?
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Should we have done pills?
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Should we have done
this? Should we have done that?
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Should we have
been maybe praying more?
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Should we have been covered
it, all these different things,
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what was Brittany doing wrong?
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And I was in this deep
level of how do I even get out?
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But because I knew
this was my major fear
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and I didn't
want to push him away
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as I feared would
be my initial response.
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I said, I need people,
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I need to be talking to someone,
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I need to be
interacting with someone,
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because I already feel
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like I'm about to
shut completely down
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and be completely lost
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and nobody is going
to be able to pull me out
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because I lost the kid
and that's all that matters.
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And it's so interesting to me
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that was such a
big concern of yours
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before you got married.
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It was just like, it
was just a huge concern,
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and then to have it happen,
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it had to be so
utterly devastating.
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It was, it was really a moment
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of how am I
supposed to trust you God
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when this happened?
00:11:03.76\00:11:05.09
And how am I
supposed to trust my husband
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when this happened?
00:11:07.96\00:11:09.30
And how am I supposed
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to even value
myself and my sexuality
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when I was born and created
to be fruitful and multiply,
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and I could not even do my task.
00:11:18.51\00:11:21.88
So you blamed yourself?
00:11:21.91\00:11:23.35
Yeah.
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And you were angry with God
00:11:24.78\00:11:27.08
and what was your
relationship with Xavier?
00:11:27.12\00:11:31.75
I would say it was.
00:11:31.79\00:11:33.52
It was tense,
but we were trying,
00:11:33.56\00:11:35.92
because I did not want
to disconnect from him.
00:11:35.96\00:11:38.83
And he was trying to
be very supportive of me.
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I think a lot more
00:11:42.90\00:11:44.70
than was trying to
be supportive of him.
00:11:44.73\00:11:47.97
And you could
probably talk a little bit more
00:11:48.00\00:11:49.34
about that factor.
00:11:49.37\00:11:50.74
Yeah, because my
whole mindset was,
00:11:50.77\00:11:54.54
you know,
00:11:54.58\00:11:56.14
so many things
went through my head,
00:11:56.18\00:11:57.81
being a former police officer,
00:11:57.85\00:12:00.25
I still retained a
first responder mindset.
00:12:00.32\00:12:02.98
I was at work.
00:12:03.02\00:12:04.35
I was at hospice working
and I get the phone call.
00:12:04.39\00:12:10.53
So ask one of the nurses,
00:12:10.56\00:12:11.89
hey, this is what my
wife is having symptoms with
00:12:11.93\00:12:15.20
and she said
rushed to the hospital,
00:12:15.23\00:12:16.83
so she immediately
gets rushed to the hospital.
00:12:16.87\00:12:20.64
I am about a hour away.
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I get in my car, I'm assuming,
00:12:22.10\00:12:23.91
I mean my mind is just reeling
00:12:23.97\00:12:25.71
and when I get
there and everything,
00:12:25.74\00:12:28.34
and she explained and all,
00:12:28.38\00:12:29.88
we fast forward to
that point, I felt helpless.
00:12:29.91\00:12:32.91
I felt like I didn't
get there fast enough.
00:12:32.95\00:12:36.85
I remembered what
my sergeant told me
00:12:36.89\00:12:38.65
when I was in law enforcement,
00:12:38.69\00:12:40.52
he said," Morales, you,
you can't save everybody,
00:12:40.56\00:12:44.29
no matter how fast you
try, how fast you drive,
00:12:44.33\00:12:46.76
you're not going to
get there to everybody."
00:12:46.80\00:12:49.20
But it just hurts so bad
and I see my wife so broken.
00:12:49.23\00:12:53.00
And then I hear her, you
know, her battle with God.
00:12:53.03\00:12:56.00
You know, and understandably so.
00:12:56.04\00:12:58.37
So I'm thinking, okay,
I'm the priest of the home.
00:12:58.41\00:13:00.78
I'm a chaplain, I
gotta help grieving families.
00:13:00.81\00:13:03.28
And you know what,
00:13:03.35\00:13:04.68
let me just go into my
police officer mentality
00:13:04.71\00:13:07.32
and turn off my emotions.
00:13:07.35\00:13:09.72
And I got to be
there for my family.
00:13:09.75\00:13:12.15
I got to be
there for the patients
00:13:12.19\00:13:13.56
and the families.
00:13:13.59\00:13:14.92
There's no time for me,
00:13:14.96\00:13:16.29
God knows my heart
00:13:16.32\00:13:17.66
'cause that's a
catchphrase a lot of people use.
00:13:17.69\00:13:20.00
God knows my
heart, He'll deal with it.
00:13:20.03\00:13:23.00
And that's the biggest
downfall I could have done
00:13:23.03\00:13:25.63
'cause I was really
feeling an immense amount
00:13:25.67\00:13:27.94
of guilt and
shame and in, you know,
00:13:27.97\00:13:33.94
I knew he was a
boy, my son, you know,
00:13:33.98\00:13:36.81
my son is gone.
00:13:36.85\00:13:38.58
And I'm sitting there like,
00:13:38.61\00:13:40.72
I couldn't do
anything to protect my child
00:13:40.78\00:13:43.89
which is a level of...
00:13:43.95\00:13:46.29
So I went into, you know,
00:13:46.32\00:13:48.49
mechanical mindset where,
00:13:48.52\00:13:50.39
you know, that
happened because of this,
00:13:50.43\00:13:51.76
this and the medical
side of things, da-da, da-da,
00:13:51.79\00:13:54.23
I'm doing research on
Google for miscarriages.
00:13:54.30\00:13:56.63
And he was trying
so hard to be helpful.
00:13:56.70\00:13:58.10
Yeah.
00:13:58.13\00:13:59.47
If I say this is medical reason,
00:13:59.50\00:14:00.94
this is the medical stuff
and I'm like, I don't care.
00:14:00.97\00:14:03.41
Yeah. Yeah.
00:14:03.44\00:14:04.77
Well, I cried, I
didn't reach out to anybody.
00:14:04.81\00:14:06.44
I didn't talk to anybody
00:14:06.47\00:14:08.18
'cause I'm the
priest of the home.
00:14:08.21\00:14:09.54
I gotta deal with it myself.
00:14:09.58\00:14:10.95
I gotta, it's me and God,
00:14:10.98\00:14:12.85
but I completely forgot
00:14:12.88\00:14:14.85
about the community
side of being a Christian.
00:14:14.88\00:14:17.69
So yeah, I really put
a guilt trip for years.
00:14:17.72\00:14:22.22
She didn't know that
I felt guilty for years.
00:14:22.26\00:14:25.03
Wow.
00:14:25.06\00:14:26.39
You know, and I felt like years,
00:14:26.43\00:14:27.76
but it felt like forever.
00:14:27.76\00:14:29.43
It hasn't been that
long, but it feels like,
00:14:29.46\00:14:33.30
I've been carrying, you know,
00:14:33.34\00:14:34.67
I was carrying that
for such a long time
00:14:34.70\00:14:36.67
and that weight.
00:14:36.71\00:14:38.44
So yeah, I blamed
myself for some time
00:14:38.47\00:14:41.98
until I told her,
00:14:42.01\00:14:43.61
"Hey, I feel guilty."
00:14:43.65\00:14:45.95
This is why then all
of a sudden she said,
00:14:45.98\00:14:47.65
"Well, I feel guilty."
00:14:47.68\00:14:49.38
I'm like, "Whoa, you do."
00:14:49.42\00:14:50.75
And she's and that,
00:14:50.79\00:14:52.62
it really brought us
00:14:52.65\00:14:54.02
to a different level of intimacy
00:14:54.06\00:14:55.69
as husband and wife.
00:14:55.72\00:14:57.73
So the place at
which healing really began
00:14:57.76\00:15:02.66
was when you shared
how you both really felt.
00:15:02.70\00:15:07.07
And it wasn't you protecting
or accusing or anything,
00:15:07.14\00:15:13.17
you were just
saying, this is where I am.
00:15:13.21\00:15:16.11
This is where I am
00:15:16.14\00:15:17.75
and that's when
the healing began.
00:15:17.78\00:15:21.25
What did you do after
that, to get to this point?
00:15:21.28\00:15:27.09
I had to realize
that I was broken
00:15:27.16\00:15:30.63
and I was too broken to fix him
00:15:30.66\00:15:34.10
and was hoping
that he would realize
00:15:34.10\00:15:36.10
that he is broken,
00:15:36.13\00:15:37.67
and he's too broken to fix me.
00:15:37.70\00:15:40.20
So we need help.
00:15:40.24\00:15:42.84
God, I can't
talk to you right now
00:15:42.87\00:15:44.97
but so you're gonna
have to lead me to someone
00:15:45.01\00:15:47.24
who you can speak
to, to talk to me.
00:15:47.28\00:15:49.61
So I started counseling
00:15:49.64\00:15:51.41
with a phenomenal
blessed counselor,
00:15:51.45\00:15:53.31
who's still my
counselor right now,
00:15:53.38\00:15:55.35
as I'm going through
this grieving process,
00:15:55.38\00:15:57.92
and probably will make
calls for next couple of years
00:15:57.95\00:16:00.29
because I needed
someone to listen to my heart
00:16:00.32\00:16:04.16
wholeheartedly.
00:16:04.19\00:16:05.53
And not that my friends
and community wasn't trying,
00:16:05.56\00:16:07.96
but they had
different perspectives
00:16:07.96\00:16:09.30
of how grief need to go.
00:16:09.33\00:16:10.80
And it just wasn't helpful.
00:16:10.87\00:16:12.20
So I needed someone to
be like fully listening,
00:16:12.23\00:16:15.27
and even had the
ability to kind of challenge me
00:16:15.30\00:16:17.11
a little bit of Brittany,
00:16:17.14\00:16:18.47
is this really how you
want to feel about this?
00:16:18.51\00:16:20.48
Is this really how you think
00:16:20.51\00:16:21.84
God is talking
to you about this?
00:16:21.88\00:16:23.21
Is there other things
going on underline this,
00:16:23.24\00:16:25.28
but also know how to
kind of bring it forth
00:16:25.31\00:16:27.78
and he was also going
counseling with someone else.
00:16:27.82\00:16:30.59
But as time progressed,
00:16:30.62\00:16:31.95
he also came to the
same counselor for like,
00:16:31.99\00:16:33.86
"Okay, this is a period
00:16:33.89\00:16:35.22
where you guys need
to kind of figure out
00:16:35.26\00:16:36.59
how to do it together."
00:16:36.62\00:16:39.09
I think we, I mean,
it was, it was helpful.
00:16:39.13\00:16:43.83
For me, it was just like,
00:16:43.87\00:16:45.20
Okay, I've
probably seen the light
00:16:45.23\00:16:47.64
at the end of the tunnel.
00:16:47.67\00:16:49.10
And then my mom dies.
00:16:49.14\00:16:51.64
And I got the phone call.
00:16:51.67\00:16:53.01
My dad is crying on the phone.
00:16:53.04\00:16:55.08
Here's the kicker, you know,
00:16:55.11\00:16:57.01
my mom had been sick for years
00:16:57.05\00:16:59.61
and I actually
pray for my mom to pass.
00:16:59.65\00:17:02.75
Those are hardest
prayer I ever did.
00:17:02.78\00:17:04.62
I'm the only child.
00:17:04.65\00:17:06.25
But I heard, we
hear my mom every day
00:17:06.29\00:17:08.09
just getting sicker
and worse and worse.
00:17:08.12\00:17:11.79
And I remember that,
I got down on my knees,
00:17:11.83\00:17:14.30
my knees were shaking,
00:17:14.36\00:17:15.66
and with tears in
my eyes, I say, God,
00:17:15.70\00:17:17.50
I'm about to pray
the hardest prayer.
00:17:17.57\00:17:19.70
And I said, you
know, God, when...
00:17:19.73\00:17:21.87
When my mom is
ready, when you've,
00:17:21.90\00:17:25.14
where she's given her
heart to you, take her.
00:17:25.17\00:17:28.91
You know, sometimes I wonder
if God listens to our prayers
00:17:28.94\00:17:32.51
and there's still
times I'm like, God,
00:17:32.55\00:17:33.92
why did you have to
listen to my prayer?
00:17:33.95\00:17:36.02
You know, but yeah.
00:17:36.05\00:17:37.75
It is a hard prayer to pray.
00:17:37.79\00:17:39.42
That was tough.
00:17:39.45\00:17:40.79
But it's a loving prayer to pray
00:17:40.86\00:17:42.66
because you don't
want your loved one
00:17:42.69\00:17:44.36
to suffer anymore.
00:17:44.39\00:17:45.93
You don't wanna watch that.
00:17:45.96\00:17:47.86
You don't want to
know that they're hurting.
00:17:47.93\00:17:50.97
There are so many
people that are dealing
00:17:51.00\00:17:55.70
with what you guys
are still going through
00:17:55.74\00:17:59.34
because you're still
in the process of healing.
00:17:59.37\00:18:04.31
What would you
say to that couple?
00:18:04.35\00:18:07.08
What are some of the
steps that they can take?
00:18:07.15\00:18:10.72
And how can they,
00:18:10.75\00:18:13.59
because I know, just
from hearing you talk,
00:18:13.62\00:18:16.76
I know that you and
the Lord are back in sync.
00:18:16.79\00:18:20.16
So, He didn't go
anywhere but you did,
00:18:20.23\00:18:22.40
but you know, I mean,
that's, He knew, He knows us.
00:18:22.43\00:18:26.50
He knows that we are with dust.
00:18:26.53\00:18:29.04
He knows us through and through.
00:18:29.07\00:18:31.54
So how did you,
00:18:31.57\00:18:34.08
a come back to him
00:18:34.11\00:18:36.61
and then what
would you recommend
00:18:36.64\00:18:39.78
both of you to other couples
00:18:39.81\00:18:42.38
who are dealing with loss?
00:18:42.42\00:18:45.02
What would you say?
00:18:45.05\00:18:46.96
Do you want to go first? Okay.
00:18:46.99\00:18:48.72
I would first say accept
that there are stages of grief.
00:18:48.76\00:18:53.40
We're going to go
through the anger, the denial,
00:18:53.43\00:18:55.20
the depression, the bargaining,
and then the acceptance.
00:18:55.23\00:18:58.37
And sometimes they
happen quickly as frantic,
00:18:58.40\00:19:01.17
they're interchanging,
they're going back and forth.
00:19:01.20\00:19:03.77
So for me, I had to
accept that I was angry.
00:19:03.84\00:19:07.04
So accept your
feelings, accept your emotions,
00:19:07.11\00:19:09.94
and trust that
God can handle it.
00:19:09.98\00:19:12.85
God doesn't say, don't
tell me you're feeling upset,
00:19:12.88\00:19:15.15
don't tell me
you're feeling angry.
00:19:15.18\00:19:17.02
I can handle it. It's okay.
00:19:17.05\00:19:19.92
Be honest with what's going on
00:19:19.95\00:19:22.32
and also being honest
about talking to someone else
00:19:22.36\00:19:25.03
about what's going on.
00:19:25.06\00:19:27.30
For us, we had to
have moments to grieve,
00:19:27.36\00:19:30.37
be intentional about
having separate times
00:19:30.40\00:19:33.20
to go to God or
even just reflect
00:19:33.23\00:19:36.71
on what happened
and talk about it.
00:19:36.74\00:19:38.87
We had to have
moments to grieve together.
00:19:38.91\00:19:40.88
And we had to have moments
to grieve alone and separately,
00:19:40.91\00:19:44.28
because I didn't
want to overpower him
00:19:44.31\00:19:46.61
and he didn't
want to overpower me.
00:19:46.65\00:19:49.75
And I think one
beautiful thing that we did was,
00:19:49.78\00:19:52.95
we commemorated the loss,
00:19:52.99\00:19:54.62
we created a box
00:19:54.66\00:19:57.43
and we filled it
up with little things,
00:19:57.46\00:19:59.43
a teddy bear,
00:19:59.46\00:20:01.70
he did a baseball,
00:20:01.73\00:20:03.67
and few other things to
kind of give ourselves closure
00:20:03.73\00:20:07.00
and also be united
in what was happening
00:20:07.04\00:20:10.41
and some parts of
it's not even full closure,
00:20:10.47\00:20:12.67
but it's still working on it,
00:20:12.71\00:20:15.28
and probably some more to share.
00:20:15.31\00:20:17.98
You know, and one
of the other things
00:20:18.01\00:20:19.38
was just taking
time for myself as a man.
00:20:19.41\00:20:25.72
You know, being vulnerable,
I hate being vulnerable
00:20:25.75\00:20:29.12
but God caused
me to be vulnerable
00:20:29.16\00:20:31.06
as the priest at home,
00:20:31.09\00:20:33.36
and I had to take time for that.
00:20:33.40\00:20:35.56
Take time to recognize
00:20:35.60\00:20:37.63
even though I teach
people how to grieve properly,
00:20:37.67\00:20:40.27
I coach them on
the grieving process.
00:20:40.30\00:20:42.77
Now I'm on that,
I'm the one feeling it.
00:20:42.80\00:20:45.01
Right, you're on
the other end of things.
00:20:45.04\00:20:46.71
Exactly, so I had
to take my own advice
00:20:46.74\00:20:49.88
and seek help,
00:20:49.91\00:20:52.11
you know, seek community,
seek those who are grieving,
00:20:52.15\00:20:55.38
who are fathers
00:20:55.42\00:20:56.75
who have grieved
or grieving like me
00:20:56.82\00:20:59.65
and actually know
that God is faithful,
00:20:59.69\00:21:03.93
you know, remind myself
that God is with me like,
00:21:03.96\00:21:06.53
He knows what it's
like to lose a son.
00:21:06.56\00:21:08.73
Yes.
00:21:08.76\00:21:10.13
You see,
00:21:10.17\00:21:11.50
and that's what brought
refuge to me the fact that
00:21:11.53\00:21:14.24
I didn't have to
watch my son be tortured.
00:21:14.27\00:21:17.81
You know, so He knows my grief.
00:21:17.84\00:21:20.64
He understands my grief
00:21:20.68\00:21:22.01
and I had to
reconcile with the fact that
00:21:22.04\00:21:27.08
this is God, this is
not just a Bible story,
00:21:27.12\00:21:29.82
this is God.
00:21:29.85\00:21:31.49
He knows a father's heart.
00:21:31.52\00:21:33.86
He knows how it's feeling
00:21:33.92\00:21:35.26
and you know, just
reconnect to him, my wife
00:21:35.29\00:21:38.66
and I think we took
time to put into practice,
00:21:38.69\00:21:42.30
if I remember it correctly,
00:21:42.33\00:21:43.70
it's in the Book of Corinthians,
00:21:43.73\00:21:45.30
where we, the
Bible says, you know,
00:21:45.33\00:21:47.47
if needed take time
apart to fast and pray.
00:21:47.50\00:21:52.11
But not too long
before the devil comes into,
00:21:52.14\00:21:54.21
you know, in between
the two and we did that,
00:21:54.24\00:21:56.44
we took time to
reconnect without having sex,
00:21:56.48\00:22:02.42
without the sexual
aspect, really find the intimacy
00:22:02.45\00:22:05.52
and I have come to know my wife,
00:22:05.55\00:22:09.86
as my helpmeet,
not just my wife,
00:22:09.89\00:22:12.39
who is my wife and
gives birth to children,
00:22:12.43\00:22:15.80
but my helpmeet too, my equal.
00:22:15.83\00:22:19.37
And it was so important
for us to have that time
00:22:19.40\00:22:21.97
to kind of be separate,
00:22:22.00\00:22:23.77
because I did not
feel comfortable or at ease
00:22:23.81\00:22:28.81
to be sexually
active at that point.
00:22:28.84\00:22:31.91
I didn't feel myself open
to be able to allow for us
00:22:31.95\00:22:35.32
to connect on the deeper levels
00:22:35.35\00:22:37.35
of sexuality in our relationship
00:22:37.39\00:22:38.99
that God is calling us for,
00:22:39.02\00:22:41.06
but I did not want to rob him
00:22:41.09\00:22:43.39
and I didn't want to rob myself
00:22:43.43\00:22:44.89
because we both have
our urges and our desires.
00:22:44.93\00:22:47.86
But we didn't want to
not be in tuned with God
00:22:47.93\00:22:50.20
at the same time.
00:22:50.23\00:22:51.83
So that was
very important for us
00:22:51.87\00:22:54.17
to take that break
00:22:54.20\00:22:56.77
and find ourselves.
00:22:56.84\00:23:00.98
And I think another
element for me was learning that
00:23:01.01\00:23:06.45
while I'm grieving,
00:23:06.48\00:23:08.42
I don't have to be a
savior for other people
00:23:08.45\00:23:11.02
who were also grieving.
00:23:11.05\00:23:12.92
I have to take that time for me
00:23:12.95\00:23:16.02
to find me
00:23:16.06\00:23:18.26
and be okay with me in this.
00:23:18.29\00:23:21.10
I've had clients
that come in and say,
00:23:21.13\00:23:23.63
"Can I see you for
counseling for grief?"
00:23:23.67\00:23:26.60
And I'm like, "No, you cannot,
00:23:26.63\00:23:28.67
because I'm still
dealing with this raw."
00:23:28.70\00:23:31.27
And another element,
as we talked about before,
00:23:31.31\00:23:34.04
anyone's seen the programs
00:23:34.08\00:23:35.94
is that I am a
recovering sex addict,
00:23:35.98\00:23:38.35
from specifically pornography.
00:23:38.38\00:23:40.58
And when something so
powerful as that loss happened,
00:23:40.62\00:23:44.72
my initial mindset
is I need a way to cope,
00:23:44.75\00:23:47.22
I need a way to deal with this.
00:23:47.26\00:23:49.12
So I don't want to use him
as a method to cope and deal,
00:23:49.16\00:23:53.19
and I don't want to use
to go back to pornography
00:23:53.23\00:23:57.00
as a way to cope and deal.
00:23:57.03\00:23:58.57
So I need to reconnect with God
00:23:58.60\00:24:00.64
so that He can be the person
00:24:00.67\00:24:02.24
that helps me heal and deliver
00:24:02.27\00:24:04.11
so that our
sexuality is actually pure,
00:24:04.14\00:24:07.18
that our
sexuality is actually us
00:24:07.21\00:24:09.31
connecting in an intimate way.
00:24:09.34\00:24:11.08
And it's not
just, he is my tool,
00:24:11.11\00:24:13.35
and I'm using him,
00:24:13.42\00:24:14.75
because I can't handle
how I'm feeling right now.
00:24:14.78\00:24:18.72
It's so...
00:24:18.75\00:24:20.09
I thank you, first of all,
so much for your transparency,
00:24:20.16\00:24:22.92
because this stuff is real.
00:24:22.96\00:24:25.56
This is not, you know,
00:24:25.59\00:24:28.56
this is real life that
you're talking about here.
00:24:28.60\00:24:31.73
And so I just thank you
so much for sharing this
00:24:31.77\00:24:34.80
because...
00:24:34.84\00:24:37.77
the questions that
come up as a result of loss,
00:24:37.81\00:24:42.21
you know, how do I reconnect?
00:24:42.24\00:24:43.81
How do I avoid going
back to my old habits
00:24:43.85\00:24:47.08
that could really
further disconnect me from God?
00:24:47.12\00:24:50.75
The enemy is so shrewd
like his whole thing is
00:24:50.79\00:24:54.12
let's create distractions
00:24:54.16\00:24:56.52
and let's do things
that are gonna send you back
00:24:56.56\00:25:00.96
to what would
have been an ideal,
00:25:00.96\00:25:03.57
it would have
been an ideal for you,
00:25:03.60\00:25:05.47
because it was something
00:25:05.50\00:25:06.84
that you will go
into instead of God.
00:25:06.87\00:25:09.44
And so both of you,
the Lord was with you
00:25:09.47\00:25:14.11
and led you back
to Him through this.
00:25:14.18\00:25:17.65
What would you say to a
couple right now who's dealing,
00:25:17.68\00:25:22.32
they're in the raw like...?
00:25:22.35\00:25:24.75
Well, now you have
about 30 seconds to do it.
00:25:24.79\00:25:28.12
Well, what would you say
00:25:28.16\00:25:29.49
they're in the
throes of grief right now,
00:25:29.52\00:25:31.63
what would you say?
00:25:31.66\00:25:33.40
Trust your
spouse, and trust God.
00:25:33.43\00:25:36.46
It's rough right now
00:25:36.50\00:25:37.83
and you feel like
you cannot go through it.
00:25:37.87\00:25:40.94
But you're going through
it for a reason and trust Him
00:25:40.97\00:25:43.51
that you will come
out stronger from it.
00:25:43.57\00:25:46.64
I will say be ministry
of presence to your spouse.
00:25:46.68\00:25:51.28
Sometimes
silence speaks volumes.
00:25:51.31\00:25:54.28
Share tears
together, as I call it,
00:25:54.32\00:25:56.42
share the joys of the heart
00:25:56.45\00:25:57.79
and the tears of
the heart together.
00:25:57.82\00:26:00.79
Go to God and grief together.
00:26:00.82\00:26:04.36
There's not a time for
you to be the man of the house
00:26:04.39\00:26:06.59
or for her to be,
00:26:06.63\00:26:07.96
you know,
supermom or superwoman.
00:26:07.96\00:26:09.50
This is the
time to be vulnerable
00:26:09.53\00:26:11.40
before God as a couple,
00:26:11.43\00:26:13.07
completely
naked and transparent,
00:26:13.10\00:26:16.64
hurting together
because you're one.
00:26:16.71\00:26:20.98
Thank you so much.
00:26:21.01\00:26:22.34
Thank you for, you know,
00:26:22.38\00:26:25.75
I've been fighting the
tears a couple of times in this
00:26:25.78\00:26:28.55
because the pain
I know is so real,
00:26:28.58\00:26:31.62
but your transparency
00:26:31.65\00:26:33.22
and what you bringing to people
00:26:33.25\00:26:36.26
who are hurting
is such a blessing.
00:26:36.29\00:26:39.39
So I thank you and
I know our viewers,
00:26:39.43\00:26:41.56
thank you.
00:26:41.60\00:26:42.93
And I'm so excited about this
00:26:42.96\00:26:45.97
season of Pure
Choices that's coming up.
00:26:46.00\00:26:48.80
So you're gonna
have to make sure that
00:26:48.84\00:26:50.57
you tune in and watch
00:26:50.61\00:26:53.01
and A Father's Heart
is coming back as well.
00:26:53.04\00:26:56.51
We thank you guys
00:26:56.54\00:26:57.88
for being here
for all that you do.
00:26:57.91\00:27:00.08
Thank you.
00:27:00.15\00:27:04.02
Wow, that was so powerful.
00:27:04.05\00:27:07.29
I really appreciate
their transparency and candor.
00:27:07.32\00:27:12.79
It's not easy to talk about
00:27:12.83\00:27:15.36
that kind of pain
and that kind of loss.
00:27:15.40\00:27:18.80
After the cameras were off,
00:27:18.83\00:27:20.24
Brittany told me that
she had a talk with God
00:27:20.27\00:27:23.27
and He told her that
00:27:23.30\00:27:24.64
it was never his plan for death
00:27:24.67\00:27:27.08
and this level
of grief and loss,
00:27:27.11\00:27:29.84
His heart hurt with hers.
00:27:29.88\00:27:32.81
This is the result of sin.
00:27:32.85\00:27:35.32
One day, we won't have
any more death or loss,
00:27:35.35\00:27:38.12
Jesus will come
and angels will place
00:27:38.15\00:27:40.86
babies back into the
arms of their parents.
00:27:40.89\00:27:43.53
What a day that will be,
00:27:43.56\00:27:45.46
and in the meantime
we deal with life here.
00:27:45.49\00:27:49.26
So pray for Brittany and Xavier
00:27:49.30\00:27:52.87
and tune in to our next program
00:27:52.90\00:27:56.40
'cause it just wouldn't
be the same without you.
00:27:56.44\00:27:59.41