Do you have elderly
people that you care about?
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Do you know
someone with dementia?
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Are you concerned
about having it yourself
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or wonder what the symptoms are?
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Well, stay tuned
to meet two women
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who can address
those concerns and more.
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My name is Yvonne Lewis
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and you're
watching Urban Report.
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Hello and
welcome to Urban Report.
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My guests today are
Shelley Chatmon Hall,
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speaker and author
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of "Dad's Got
Dementia, Life After Diagnoses".
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And Lecia Marr-Bromley,
Director of SDA Elderly Care.
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Welcome to Urban
Report, my dear sisters.
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Thank you for having
us. Thank you for having us.
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Absolutely, absolutely,
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this is such an important topic
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and one of the things
that I'm so impressed about
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is that not only do both of you
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bring information about dementia
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but you've also had
firsthand experience with it.
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Talk to us about your
journey with dementia.
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Let's start with
you, Shelley. Sure.
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So my father was
diagnosed with dementia in 2010.
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And what lead to his
diagnosis were multiple things.
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One of them
including losing money,
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large amounts of money,
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a house that the
note was not being paid,
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cars not being paid
for, and other incidents,
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other health issues that
brought on the diagnosis.
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So stress can bring on dementia?
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It can, yes.
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That was not his issue,
his issue was brought on...
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He has vascular dementia
which is a blood supply issue.
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So he was having mini
strokes and those go undetected
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and so it eventually built up to
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where it was
affecting his memory.
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Wow.
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And so how did
that impact the family?
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When you first found
out about his diagnosis,
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was he in an advance state?
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Where was he?
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And how did that
impact your family?
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Well, first I would say that
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just hearing the
diagnosis was devastating.
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We... I have...
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there are five siblings
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and we really had to
kick it into high gear.
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Because when he
received the diagnosis,
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that's where all of the bills
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and all of those
things were going awry
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so we had to kick in a
number of different resources
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to try to put the
pieces back together.
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So we had to look at his health
and what was going on there.
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We had to look at he
and my mother's finances
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and what was going on there.
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And we also had to
relocate my parents
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so that they
could be closer to us,
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not really knowing at that
time what we were in store for.
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And we're gonna come
back and find out more.
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What about you, Lecia,
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what's been your
experience with them?
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Yes, my mother's
had it for about,
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had dementia for
about eight years.
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But that also to add is that
she also had a stroke as well.
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And during that time
we started noticing things
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that just was not right.
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She started...
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She usually loves to
be in the kitchen and cook
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and then after a while
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she didn't know
where things went.
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She didn't know,
remember to turn the stove off,
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she went to the bathroom
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and would leave
the water running.
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We started...
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Then we started realizing that
there is something wrong here
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that Mom needs to get checked.
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So when we did
they found, they told us
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that she was
diagnosed with dementia.
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And, of course, like she
also had the mini strokes
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and we did not know at that time
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that she had those strokes.
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So it became a life
adjustment for not just for her
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but for her children as well.
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'Cause then we were
in a position as to say
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"Okay, Mom can't be alone
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she's gonna need
someone in the home with her."
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And that starts a
whole another process.
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It's so interesting, isn't it?
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How when we're young
our parents take care of us
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and then when we get older
we have to take care of them?
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At least if you're, you know,
a good, good child that you,
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you want to take care
of your family member.
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In my own family, my
grandmother had dementia.
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And it's unsettling
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because the
person that they were
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they begin to
exhibit other things
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and so you begin to feel like,
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"Oh, wow, this is, okay,
I have to deal with this,"
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each thing you
just have to adjust to.
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So it's not just
what you are saying
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is essentially
it's not just the person
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that has dementia
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that has to do a
lot of adjustment,
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it's also the family
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because that
person becomes different.
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What kinds of things
did you notice differently
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in your dad?
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Well, my father is he
still is a, he's a big man,
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he's just a big man.
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And he's always been
able to walk into a room
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and just kind
of command the room
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not doing anything
extra but just his demeanor.
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And what I
started to notice was that
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he had some childlike behaviors
that just started surfacing,
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whether it was a giggle
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or I mean it was just totally
out of character for him.
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So those are some of
the things that were really
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while it was harmless it
was really just unsettling
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because I had
never seen that in him,
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he was always a strong
person, a strong figure.
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So to see that was, you know,
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at the least
just very unsettling.
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Yeah.
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And you already
shared some of the things
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your mom was doing,
leaving the water on,
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and not cooking like she
was, is there anything else?
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Yes, she became withdrawn.
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Withdrawn.
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She was in her
own personal world.
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She was not as
outgoing as she used to be,
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she's in a crowd
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she doesn't
participate in conversations.
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She just quietly withdrew.
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It changes the
personality of the person.
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It just really, it
changes them significantly.
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What's the difference between
dementia and Alzheimer's?
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Well, that that's
actually an excellent question
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and while I am not a
medical professional,
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I've learned a whole lot.
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And dementia is
actually, there is an umbrella
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if we had an illustration.
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Dementia is just
that's what they call
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all of these symptoms
that affect the memory.
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So, Alzheimer's actually falls
under the umbrella of dementia
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as does vascular dementia
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or other types of memory issues.
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So there could be
alcohol induced dementia
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things along those lines.
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And you said
your dad had vascular?
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He has vascular
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which is blood
flow, blood supply.
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And he had the
strokes so they were related?
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Right.
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What led you to write the book?
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Tell us about your book.
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So, this book actually
it started with me vlogging
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and I would vlog
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which is a video with some type.
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So I've vlogged a
lot, it was therapeutic,
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plus a lot of people were asking
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about how my father was doing.
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So I felt like that
would be a good way for me
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to show them how he's doing
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and to give a few
tips along the way.
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Well, I started receiving
different inbox messages
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about other individuals
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who were going
through the same thing.
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And so I would
answer those questions
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as best I could,
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and then I
decided, "You know what?
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I think it would be a good
idea just to put it on paper
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so that other
people can benefit."
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And initially we had to
go through a lot of research,
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we had to figure
things out by trial and error,
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and I just felt
like it would be good
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if someone could just
pick up a quick easy read
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and get the answers.
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And it is just that I
read it and it is excellent.
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It's got all
little points in it.
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It talks about what you
went through with your dad
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and then things to look for.
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Right.
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So let's talk
about from the beginning.
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Like, once you
found out you say that,
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once you got the diagnosis.
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How did you and your
family go into high gear?
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What did you do?
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Well, it was totally
unplanned this high gear thing
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that we went into,
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but we really had to
address what we knew.
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We knew that he had dementia
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he was not being
treated in any way for dementia
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so we had to
look at his medical.
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What did we need
to take over medically
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and who did we need
to get him in touch with,
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from a medical
community perspective.
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So we looked at the medical side
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and then we looked at financial.
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Because that was a big
impact, you know, his condition
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it really impacted
my parents' finances.
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They lost their
home, they lost cars
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because of him not
being able to pay bills.
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So we took over the bills
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and we got them
squared away there.
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Like I said, we
had to relocate them
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because we didn't
know what was coming
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but just from what we saw
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we felt it would
be easier to control
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if we could move them closer
to us so that we could help.
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And we didn't even begin
to think about things like,
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"Okay, he won't be
able to drive soon,
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or should he really
be driving even now."
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Those were things
that we discovered
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once we moved them closer to us.
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What about you? Yes.
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What, what are
some of the things
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that you initially did
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when you found out
your mom had dementia?
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Well, I had to make sure
that she was eating properly
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that was very important
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'cause now she's not able to
feed herself like she used to.
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And then the
activities of daily living,
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we had to make sure
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that she's able
to dress herself,
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make sure that
someone's there to,
00:11:23.68\00:11:25.65
she could feed herself
so that wasn't a problem,
00:11:25.68\00:11:28.35
but just to prepare the meals.
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Proper hygiene you notice that,
00:11:31.25\00:11:33.79
"Okay, Mom's not brushing
her teeth like she used to,
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she forgot she
didn't remember, you know,
00:11:36.99\00:11:40.00
when's the last time
she brushed her teeth."
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And that's not
like my mother at all.
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So there was some adjustments,
00:11:48.34\00:11:50.17
we had to make sure
that we had someone there
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to come into the
home to make sure help her
00:11:53.41\00:11:56.18
with her daily living activities
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until someone came home
to stay with her at night.
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And, well, actually my
sister who moved in with her
00:12:02.58\00:12:06.76
so she stayed there at
night, during the daytime
00:12:06.79\00:12:09.86
we had someone to come in
and care for her daily needs.
00:12:09.89\00:12:13.80
So what I'm hearing is,
00:12:13.83\00:12:15.90
when you first
get this diagnosis
00:12:15.93\00:12:19.07
it's really important
to get the family together
00:12:19.10\00:12:23.51
to talk about a plan of action.
00:12:23.54\00:12:26.68
How are we going to help
our parent continue in the,
00:12:26.71\00:12:33.28
if possible in the style
to which they were accustomed
00:12:33.31\00:12:36.12
if not if that's not possible
how we're gonna help them
00:12:36.15\00:12:39.12
just from day to day?
00:12:39.15\00:12:40.86
What are we gonna do?
00:12:40.89\00:12:42.36
And that's gonna be an
interesting place to be
00:12:42.39\00:12:45.13
because now you've got the
dynamics within the family,
00:12:45.16\00:12:49.00
you know, well,
who's gonna take control?
00:12:49.03\00:12:51.73
Who's gonna be in charge?
00:12:51.77\00:12:53.47
And then the other ones
might not like it so, I mean,
00:12:53.50\00:12:57.11
all of these things are things
that have to be considered
00:12:57.14\00:13:00.68
I would
imagine, would you agree?
00:13:00.71\00:13:02.34
Right, I would definitely agree.
00:13:02.38\00:13:04.51
That was one of the things
00:13:04.55\00:13:06.31
that we had to
just come to grips with.
00:13:06.35\00:13:09.92
There are five of us,
very strong personalities.
00:13:09.95\00:13:13.62
The girls think we know it all.
00:13:13.66\00:13:15.66
Where are you
in the birth order?
00:13:15.69\00:13:17.53
I am second to the youngest
00:13:17.56\00:13:20.20
but probably one
of the most vocal.
00:13:20.23\00:13:22.13
Okay.
00:13:22.16\00:13:23.80
So we had to come
together and the girls
00:13:23.83\00:13:26.40
there are three
girls and two boys,
00:13:26.43\00:13:28.10
the girls we
really took the lead
00:13:28.14\00:13:30.14
and our brothers
00:13:30.17\00:13:31.57
they provide us
with the support.
00:13:31.61\00:13:35.01
So we did have to come together
and we just worked out a plan
00:13:35.04\00:13:39.61
of how we could
tackle this thing.
00:13:39.65\00:13:41.95
And as my father
continued to progress
00:13:41.98\00:13:44.69
and we needed that care
that in-home care and support,
00:13:44.72\00:13:49.26
my oldest brother
decided to not work
00:13:49.29\00:13:53.46
and he is a fulltime caregiver
for my father during the day,
00:13:53.50\00:13:58.03
Monday through
Friday, and on weekends,
00:13:58.07\00:14:01.10
we come in and
help because, you know,
00:14:01.14\00:14:04.01
we work at other
places and have life going on.
00:14:04.04\00:14:07.38
So we help on
the weekends as well.
00:14:07.41\00:14:10.45
So it really is a challenge
00:14:10.48\00:14:12.21
but if you're
not on the same page
00:14:12.25\00:14:14.28
that's when it's time
to get on the same page.
00:14:14.32\00:14:18.25
What about you?
00:14:18.29\00:14:20.12
I have to say almost the same.
00:14:20.16\00:14:22.76
I'm also the second
youngest in my family
00:14:22.79\00:14:25.53
and we have eight siblings.
00:14:25.56\00:14:28.63
My mother and father
had eight children together.
00:14:28.66\00:14:31.70
And it came a
point where I had to stop
00:14:31.73\00:14:37.91
and become a fulltime caregiver,
00:14:37.94\00:14:40.54
which I...which
birthed SDA Elderly Care.
00:14:40.58\00:14:45.01
That's a good place to go into.
00:14:45.05\00:14:47.32
What is SDA Elderly Care?
00:14:47.35\00:14:49.42
Okay, SDA Elderly Care
00:14:49.45\00:14:52.25
is a referral
service and a registry.
00:14:52.29\00:14:56.02
Under the registry
we provide in-home care
00:14:56.06\00:15:01.06
and under the referral service
00:15:01.10\00:15:03.80
we provide starting
with housing we would say
00:15:03.83\00:15:09.57
maybe 55 plus
communities, affordable housing,
00:15:09.60\00:15:15.44
shared housing for seniors,
empty nesters would provide
00:15:15.48\00:15:19.58
these types of homes,
retires, medical staff
00:15:19.61\00:15:23.82
and social workers.
00:15:23.85\00:15:26.05
So we open that
door for individuals
00:15:26.09\00:15:29.79
that may have a
respite problem where they say,
00:15:29.82\00:15:33.76
"Well, you know, it
can be overwhelming.
00:15:33.80\00:15:36.16
I need to have
someone to take care of my mom
00:15:36.20\00:15:38.37
during the day
or either, you know,
00:15:38.40\00:15:40.80
we'd have someone take
care of mom in a home setting."
00:15:40.84\00:15:45.27
So and they would rent a
room which is really affordable,
00:15:45.31\00:15:50.08
which includes
utilities and more than likely
00:15:50.11\00:15:52.81
there is a caregiver there.
00:15:52.85\00:15:54.32
We refer to
assisted living facilities,
00:15:54.35\00:15:56.82
we refer to nursing homes,
00:15:56.85\00:15:58.85
and we also refer
to 55 plus communities.
00:15:58.89\00:16:03.22
See, this is wonderful
00:16:03.26\00:16:04.59
because it's like
one stop shopping, right?
00:16:04.63\00:16:06.70
Yes.
00:16:06.73\00:16:08.06
So depending on
what the needs are
00:16:08.10\00:16:10.03
and I would assume
that you assess the need...
00:16:10.07\00:16:11.53
We do.
00:16:11.57\00:16:12.90
Whatever that need is,
00:16:12.93\00:16:14.50
then you can make the
referral to either housing
00:16:14.54\00:16:19.44
or somebody
coming in to the home
00:16:19.47\00:16:22.31
and caring for the
person, all of that.
00:16:22.34\00:16:25.38
And how did you get to
the place of starting this,
00:16:25.41\00:16:29.88
this program?
00:16:29.92\00:16:31.25
How did you get to the place?
00:16:31.29\00:16:32.69
Well, when I started researching
00:16:32.72\00:16:35.02
for help for my mom,
00:16:35.06\00:16:36.96
I realized there's a
lot of help out there
00:16:36.99\00:16:39.13
but is so, it's
all over the place.
00:16:39.16\00:16:41.23
Mmm.
00:16:41.26\00:16:42.86
It's nice to know that
00:16:42.90\00:16:44.23
you can come to a one stop place
00:16:44.27\00:16:46.60
because there's...
00:16:46.63\00:16:47.97
the over the years of doing this
00:16:48.00\00:16:50.37
I've built a resource,
00:16:50.41\00:16:52.51
strong resources for the elderly
00:16:52.54\00:16:55.34
where we can provide
that type of services.
00:16:55.38\00:16:58.81
If you, whatever you
need we are involved.
00:16:58.85\00:17:01.68
We are there to find out
how we can help and assist.
00:17:01.72\00:17:05.22
I've did this because I
realized that I needed help
00:17:05.25\00:17:09.62
and I know that there
would be others out there
00:17:09.66\00:17:12.03
that's gonna
need this type of help
00:17:12.06\00:17:13.76
and where do they go?
00:17:13.80\00:17:15.23
Wouldn't it be nice to know that
00:17:15.26\00:17:16.67
they can go to a one
stop shop for seniors
00:17:16.70\00:17:19.40
to be able to
find all their needs?
00:17:19.43\00:17:22.00
It's great.
00:17:22.04\00:17:23.37
And we're gonna
put your website up
00:17:23.41\00:17:25.24
so that people can
know how to reach you
00:17:25.27\00:17:27.84
because this is again
this is a critical issue.
00:17:27.88\00:17:31.01
Where do you go? What do you do?
00:17:31.05\00:17:33.82
Like, once you get
that diagnosis right,
00:17:33.85\00:17:36.58
Shelley, wouldn't it
have been great to have known
00:17:36.62\00:17:38.55
about the SDA Elderly Care?
00:17:38.59\00:17:40.49
Yeah, would have been great
00:17:40.52\00:17:41.86
but we didn't have any resources
00:17:41.89\00:17:44.09
so at that point we
were just, you know,
00:17:44.13\00:17:46.56
you had to
research and figure it out.
00:17:46.59\00:17:48.20
Yes, and that's one of
things I love about your book.
00:17:48.23\00:17:51.23
You go through the
process of how to do it,
00:17:51.27\00:17:56.30
and then we can go
to Lecia's programs,
00:17:56.34\00:18:00.04
SDA Elderly Care,
for the actual treatment
00:18:00.08\00:18:03.95
and you are all over and you...
00:18:03.98\00:18:06.48
Our viewers need to know
00:18:06.51\00:18:07.85
you don't have to be
Seventh-day Adventist
00:18:07.88\00:18:09.28
to be a part of this, correct?
00:18:09.32\00:18:11.29
Correct.
00:18:11.32\00:18:12.65
We are a nationwide service
00:18:12.69\00:18:14.49
so we provide the
service across the nation.
00:18:14.52\00:18:17.16
We network with
many different services
00:18:17.19\00:18:19.39
to make this happen.
00:18:19.43\00:18:22.36
Very importantly,
I'd like to stress that
00:18:22.40\00:18:26.03
if a family realizes
that someone is coming down
00:18:26.07\00:18:30.87
with dementia and you
realize that there's a diagnosis
00:18:30.91\00:18:34.21
or maybe not even a diagnosis
of dementia but forgetfulness.
00:18:34.24\00:18:39.31
So good idea, that
they follow certain steps.
00:18:39.35\00:18:42.82
Oh, let's talk about that.
00:18:42.85\00:18:44.99
The steps that I'd
like to stress is that,
00:18:45.02\00:18:48.22
first thing you'd want to do is
00:18:48.26\00:18:49.86
to consider maybe
power of attorney.
00:18:49.89\00:18:54.66
Have someone that you would like
00:18:54.70\00:18:56.30
to take charge of your affairs
00:18:56.33\00:18:59.07
in case it does happen
that you have dementia.
00:18:59.10\00:19:02.80
It helps in a
family setting as well.
00:19:02.84\00:19:06.14
'Cause
sometimes you want to know
00:19:06.17\00:19:08.31
who's gonna be in charge
00:19:08.34\00:19:09.68
and then you
have all these chiefs
00:19:09.71\00:19:13.11
and not much Indians.
00:19:13.15\00:19:14.48
Right, right.
00:19:14.52\00:19:15.85
So it's kind of nice to know
00:19:15.88\00:19:17.22
that Mom's appointed one person.
00:19:17.25\00:19:21.52
The other list would be
a list of her medications,
00:19:21.56\00:19:24.76
very important.
00:19:24.79\00:19:26.80
It's important that
she writes these down
00:19:26.83\00:19:28.83
so we'll have that information.
00:19:28.86\00:19:30.47
And now you're saying
to do these things before,
00:19:30.50\00:19:35.24
do them as soon as possible,
00:19:35.27\00:19:36.84
like before the dementia
has been diagnosed even.
00:19:36.87\00:19:40.64
Because you do
need to know, you know,
00:19:40.68\00:19:43.91
who does mom or dad
want to be in charge
00:19:43.95\00:19:47.22
and what medications are they
on, good, a power of attorney.
00:19:47.25\00:19:52.32
Yes.
00:19:52.35\00:19:53.69
A list of your
important documents,
00:19:53.72\00:19:56.62
it helps the family.
00:19:56.66\00:19:59.56
You also want to make a
list of likes and, you know,
00:19:59.59\00:20:03.16
things that you like to do,
things you don't like to do.
00:20:03.20\00:20:06.63
'Cause later on, you know,
00:20:06.67\00:20:08.64
even though you may not be aware
00:20:08.67\00:20:11.77
it's important that we treat you
00:20:11.81\00:20:13.27
with dignity and respect.
00:20:13.31\00:20:16.54
That's another thing
and then last of all,
00:20:16.58\00:20:19.08
two last things.
00:20:19.11\00:20:21.38
A to-do list of your
daily living activities
00:20:21.42\00:20:26.89
so you can keep routine,
00:20:26.92\00:20:28.36
someone will know this is
how you've lived your life,
00:20:28.39\00:20:31.86
this is what you like to do.
00:20:31.89\00:20:34.36
In cases like ours, we've
got families to kind of help
00:20:34.40\00:20:37.90
along the way with this.
00:20:37.93\00:20:39.53
But what happens to those
that don't have family members?
00:20:39.57\00:20:43.10
It'd be a good idea, so
someone that doesn't know you
00:20:43.14\00:20:46.47
and know your
activities of your daily living,
00:20:46.51\00:20:49.31
you have this all written down
and last of all a living will.
00:20:49.34\00:20:54.88
Why is that important?
00:20:54.92\00:20:57.15
When you've got
siblings a lot of them,
00:20:57.19\00:21:01.12
things can happen not just
even if you don't have siblings,
00:21:01.16\00:21:06.03
you know, you want to
know do I do you want someone
00:21:06.06\00:21:09.10
to resuscitate.
00:21:09.13\00:21:12.50
You don't want
anyone to resuscitate.
00:21:12.53\00:21:15.37
Who's gonna take over
who's gonna, you know,
00:21:15.40\00:21:18.77
when you divide
your, your means of living
00:21:18.81\00:21:22.61
to your siblings or
your spouse, you know,
00:21:22.64\00:21:27.02
you want to be able to
know this is what I would want
00:21:27.05\00:21:29.88
and I would want my
property to go here,
00:21:29.92\00:21:32.89
I'd like to
donate it to the church,
00:21:32.92\00:21:35.59
I'd like to donate it to 3ABN,
00:21:35.62\00:21:38.29
these are important
things that you want
00:21:38.33\00:21:40.26
and you really
need to have in writing
00:21:40.30\00:21:43.06
so your family will
not have to guess exactly
00:21:43.10\00:21:48.14
what your intentions would be.
00:21:48.17\00:21:50.21
How do you wanna be buried?
00:21:50.24\00:21:52.01
Do you want, do
you wanna be cremated?
00:21:52.04\00:21:55.08
Do you wanna be
buried in a certain cemetery?
00:21:55.11\00:21:58.08
Things that you would
know and you only would know
00:21:58.11\00:22:03.05
that you'd want
to be able to share
00:22:03.08\00:22:04.72
with someone you trust.
00:22:04.75\00:22:06.09
Oh, that's good.
00:22:06.12\00:22:07.46
What do you think
about that, Shelley?
00:22:07.49\00:22:09.16
I actually loved
hearing all of those steps.
00:22:09.19\00:22:12.49
They are very similar
to what I wrote about,
00:22:12.53\00:22:15.10
but like you mentioned,
00:22:15.13\00:22:17.83
those are things
that you don't think about
00:22:17.87\00:22:19.97
on the front end
00:22:20.00\00:22:22.00
and we really should
be thinking about those.
00:22:22.04\00:22:24.87
So now, we don't
really have to guess
00:22:24.91\00:22:28.14
because we are family
00:22:28.18\00:22:29.64
so we know the things
my father would love to do,
00:22:29.68\00:22:32.78
things that might irritate him,
so we can avoid those things.
00:22:32.81\00:22:37.15
We know he loves to be outside,
00:22:37.19\00:22:39.52
so we take him
outside and for car rides
00:22:39.55\00:22:42.59
and things like that.
00:22:42.62\00:22:44.49
But just being prepared,
00:22:44.53\00:22:46.06
it just makes the
whole process smoother
00:22:46.09\00:22:49.43
so you can really
just focus on him.
00:22:49.46\00:22:51.93
Yes, yes, and I want to
put your website up as well
00:22:51.97\00:22:55.27
because I want people to
know how to get this book
00:22:55.30\00:22:59.51
and how to just
walk through all of this.
00:22:59.54\00:23:03.01
How, how do you go
through this journey?
00:23:03.04\00:23:06.51
You go through it step-by-step
with the information
00:23:06.55\00:23:10.62
that both of
you are giving to us
00:23:10.65\00:23:12.62
and it's super important.
00:23:12.65\00:23:15.59
What are some of
the resources, Lecia,
00:23:15.62\00:23:18.09
what are some of
the resources out there
00:23:18.13\00:23:21.16
that that you found for
people around the country
00:23:21.20\00:23:24.03
different organizations
that help with different things?
00:23:24.07\00:23:26.67
There's so many.
00:23:26.70\00:23:28.20
We have the United Way,
there's also the Area on Aging,
00:23:28.24\00:23:33.84
very big resource.
00:23:33.88\00:23:36.11
There are many
different social services
00:23:36.14\00:23:38.65
that are out
there that can help.
00:23:38.68\00:23:41.38
Some people will start
with different agencies.
00:23:41.42\00:23:46.15
There is so many
I've got such a list,
00:23:46.19\00:23:48.82
the list goes on and on,
00:23:48.86\00:23:50.26
but the top
names would probably be
00:23:50.29\00:23:52.86
the Area on Aging,
00:23:52.89\00:23:54.50
I just wish that I
had a book like this
00:23:54.53\00:23:57.47
so I could, you know,
read and really understand it.
00:23:57.50\00:24:00.94
I really suggest strongly
that, anyone that's listening,
00:24:00.97\00:24:05.37
it's really nice
to read up on it,
00:24:05.41\00:24:07.74
find out about it.
00:24:07.78\00:24:09.11
Be prepared.
00:24:09.14\00:24:10.95
It'll make your
life a whole lot easier.
00:24:10.98\00:24:15.12
So the first step
00:24:15.15\00:24:18.02
with an aging
parent is to do what,
00:24:18.05\00:24:23.63
the very first step
that you would recommend?
00:24:23.66\00:24:28.06
even if they're not
showing any signs of dementia
00:24:28.10\00:24:30.73
or even illness,
is power of attorney.
00:24:30.77\00:24:34.57
She mentioned that.
00:24:34.60\00:24:36.24
Medical and
financial, that is important
00:24:36.27\00:24:40.34
so that you can even navigate
00:24:40.38\00:24:42.11
when you're taking
your elderly parents
00:24:42.14\00:24:44.61
to the doctor,
00:24:44.65\00:24:45.98
and also being a participant
in those doctor's appointments.
00:24:46.01\00:24:50.35
Once you reach a certain age,
00:24:50.39\00:24:52.89
a lot of people are not as sharp
00:24:52.92\00:24:54.96
as they used to be
00:24:54.99\00:24:56.36
so it's always good
to have that support.
00:24:56.39\00:24:59.29
And I remember once
my father was diagnosed
00:24:59.33\00:25:02.93
I really
started paying attention
00:25:02.96\00:25:04.90
to people around me,
00:25:04.93\00:25:06.90
and I went to my own
doctor's appointment,
00:25:06.94\00:25:09.50
and I saw a husband
and wife who were elderly,
00:25:09.54\00:25:12.81
and they started
filling out their paperwork
00:25:12.84\00:25:15.91
to be seen by a doctor.
00:25:15.94\00:25:17.61
Meanwhile, I had gone
in, I had gone to my visit,
00:25:17.65\00:25:21.08
and when I came out
00:25:21.12\00:25:22.45
they were still
struggling with that paperwork.
00:25:22.48\00:25:25.45
And that just touched
me because they were older
00:25:25.49\00:25:28.96
they probably
did not have dementia
00:25:28.99\00:25:30.96
but they needed that support.
00:25:30.99\00:25:33.19
So those things are
really, really important
00:25:33.23\00:25:35.20
just from the very beginning.
00:25:35.23\00:25:37.37
That power of
attorney is critical.
00:25:37.40\00:25:40.50
The power of attorney for my dad
00:25:40.54\00:25:42.44
and I'm always
asked are you the POA,
00:25:42.47\00:25:45.54
are you the POA
and if once you say,
00:25:45.57\00:25:48.08
yes, they can
discuss everything with you
00:25:48.11\00:25:50.58
because HIPAA laws say that,
00:25:50.61\00:25:53.82
you know, medical
information can't be shared
00:25:53.85\00:25:56.72
unless you have permission.
00:25:56.75\00:25:58.42
So it's all of
that that goes into it
00:25:58.45\00:26:01.39
if you don't have that
POA, power of attorney.
00:26:01.42\00:26:05.09
It just saves you so much
time and bureaucratic stuff.
00:26:05.13\00:26:10.60
So it's important to do.
00:26:10.63\00:26:14.70
Okay, so what do you think
00:26:14.74\00:26:16.07
are the very first
steps you would take?
00:26:16.10\00:26:19.21
The very first steps is always
00:26:19.24\00:26:21.24
when you go to
the doctor's office,
00:26:21.28\00:26:23.38
just as stated.
00:26:23.41\00:26:25.01
Good idea to
take a pen and paper,
00:26:25.05\00:26:27.32
have your mom
take a pen and paper,
00:26:27.35\00:26:29.88
and write down things.
00:26:29.92\00:26:31.75
'Cause sometimes
you're not gonna remember
00:26:31.79\00:26:33.72
it's important even
before you go to the office,
00:26:33.76\00:26:37.36
write down in your questions
of what you want to ask,
00:26:37.39\00:26:40.66
so when you get there
you'll cover all bases.
00:26:40.70\00:26:43.53
When you leave you
want to also write down
00:26:43.57\00:26:47.40
what the doctors may tell you
00:26:47.44\00:26:49.74
'cause when you get
home sometimes you forget,
00:26:49.77\00:26:53.07
very important.
00:26:53.11\00:26:54.44
I'd say the other
step is to make sure
00:26:54.48\00:26:59.45
that you do your research,
00:26:59.48\00:27:01.68
research about
assisted living facilities
00:27:01.72\00:27:06.22
if that's where you're gonna be,
00:27:06.25\00:27:08.26
you're gonna go in the future.
00:27:08.29\00:27:09.72
If your family says, you know,
Mom, it looks like that we,
00:27:09.76\00:27:14.46
nowadays
children is just so busy
00:27:14.50\00:27:16.77
with work growing
having their own families.
00:27:16.80\00:27:21.20
It's really hard
for us individuals
00:27:21.24\00:27:24.47
to be able to balance the two.
00:27:24.51\00:27:28.04
So when that time
comes the first thing
00:27:28.08\00:27:32.11
that you really
want to look into even,
00:27:32.15\00:27:33.88
if you're not
ready for it right now,
00:27:33.92\00:27:37.29
look in to the
assistant live in facilities
00:27:37.32\00:27:40.52
go and visit with them,
00:27:40.56\00:27:42.56
try to find
places that you think
00:27:42.59\00:27:44.43
you'd be comfortable,
00:27:44.46\00:27:45.79
that your parents
would be comfortable,
00:27:45.83\00:27:47.26
your mom or your
father would be comfortable.
00:27:47.30\00:27:50.70
And then find out
00:27:50.73\00:27:52.07
if your insurance will
cover for that type of services.
00:27:52.10\00:27:55.70
What types of
financials are needed?
00:27:55.74\00:27:58.47
Very important those are
things that we cover as well.
00:27:58.51\00:28:02.18
That is super important.
00:28:02.21\00:28:03.85
Like, how are you gonna
pay for whatever it is, right?
00:28:03.88\00:28:07.42
Yes.
00:28:07.45\00:28:09.52
You're saying
yes, did you have that,
00:28:09.55\00:28:10.89
did you deal with that?
00:28:10.92\00:28:12.25
We had that situation
00:28:12.29\00:28:13.62
where my father
is retired military
00:28:13.66\00:28:15.32
but he's also
retired from the State.
00:28:15.36\00:28:18.49
And when he was
initially diagnosed
00:28:18.53\00:28:21.23
and starting to have challenges,
00:28:21.26\00:28:23.37
he had a lot of
medical challenges as well.
00:28:23.40\00:28:25.97
So we started receiving
in all of these medical bills
00:28:26.00\00:28:29.14
and because he's
retired military,
00:28:29.17\00:28:32.07
I called the VA
and the VA told me
00:28:32.11\00:28:34.91
"Well, he should
have TRICARE for life"
00:28:34.94\00:28:37.71
and I said "Well, I've
never even heard of that."
00:28:37.75\00:28:40.42
So it was definitely if
we would have known that
00:28:40.45\00:28:44.09
we went a whole
year without knowing
00:28:44.12\00:28:46.22
that he had this
secondary insurance
00:28:46.25\00:28:48.66
that basically
covered everything.
00:28:48.69\00:28:51.36
So we had been
spending, yes, money on services
00:28:51.39\00:28:56.80
that because we
just didn't know.
00:28:56.83\00:28:58.37
Right.
00:28:58.40\00:28:59.73
So, yes, if you can get
that information ahead of time
00:28:59.77\00:29:03.44
and have it all
listed like you said
00:29:03.47\00:29:05.57
along with the medications
and all of those things,
00:29:05.61\00:29:08.78
it will really help
experience be a lot smoother.
00:29:08.81\00:29:13.38
Yes.
00:29:13.42\00:29:14.75
How did your parents
deal with having the dementia?
00:29:14.78\00:29:20.32
Did they realize that
something was different?
00:29:20.36\00:29:23.39
Did they, how did they...
00:29:23.43\00:29:27.23
How did they deal
with actually having it
00:29:27.26\00:29:30.53
and you having to
take over their lives
00:29:30.57\00:29:33.03
because essentially
that's what you had to do?
00:29:33.07\00:29:34.90
How did your dad deal with it?
00:29:34.94\00:29:37.21
My parent's very
traditional old school,
00:29:37.24\00:29:41.34
so my mother really
kept it hidden from us.
00:29:41.38\00:29:46.45
And when he was diagnosed
00:29:46.48\00:29:48.95
and after we had
moved them closer,
00:29:48.98\00:29:52.22
she called one day and said
that she needed help with him
00:29:52.25\00:29:56.39
and this is before
things just, you know,
00:29:56.42\00:29:58.96
we saw much of anything.
00:29:58.99\00:30:01.26
And it turns out that
again my father is this huge guy
00:30:01.30\00:30:05.67
and my mother is very petite
and she was helping bathe him
00:30:05.70\00:30:10.27
because he was afraid
of getting into the shower,
00:30:10.31\00:30:13.74
he was afraid of the water.
00:30:13.78\00:30:16.31
So she had started bathing
him, and she needed help.
00:30:16.34\00:30:21.62
So he was experiencing
things, she was in denial,
00:30:21.65\00:30:25.49
I remember when he was tested
and my sister went with them
00:30:25.52\00:30:29.66
for the testing
and the doctor said,
00:30:29.69\00:30:31.63
"I'm gonna give you three
words and we're gonna come back
00:30:31.66\00:30:35.23
to those three words
00:30:35.26\00:30:36.60
after we talk
about some other things".
00:30:36.63\00:30:38.23
So when they came
back to the three words,
00:30:38.27\00:30:40.80
my mother was behind the
doctor trying to tell my father
00:30:40.84\00:30:45.91
what those three words were.
00:30:45.94\00:30:48.64
So they had to send her
out of the room briskly.
00:30:48.68\00:30:52.28
But it was hard,
it was hard for her,
00:30:52.31\00:30:55.35
it was it was
equally as hard for him
00:30:55.38\00:30:57.92
because he was used to
taking care of the family,
00:30:57.95\00:31:00.96
and he was slipping,
00:31:00.99\00:31:02.42
and he knew that he was slipping
00:31:02.46\00:31:04.73
and there were
moments of clarity, though,
00:31:04.76\00:31:07.46
where he would say
what he needed to say.
00:31:07.50\00:31:10.77
And one of the things
00:31:10.80\00:31:12.13
that was really, really touching
00:31:12.17\00:31:13.64
was that he told my
mother, he started crying,
00:31:13.67\00:31:17.31
he was in the
bathroom started crying,
00:31:17.34\00:31:19.74
and he said,
00:31:19.77\00:31:21.11
"Kath, have I done everything
I was supposed to do for you?"
00:31:21.14\00:31:27.15
And she said,
"Yes, Bill, you have."
00:31:27.18\00:31:30.49
And he asked her again,
00:31:30.52\00:31:32.02
"Have I done everything I
was supposed to do for you?"
00:31:32.05\00:31:35.09
Because they've been married
for over 60 years and she said,
00:31:35.12\00:31:39.09
"Yes, Bill, you have.
00:31:39.13\00:31:40.50
You don't worry about a
thing I've got it from here."
00:31:40.53\00:31:44.33
And that was
just so, so touching.
00:31:44.37\00:31:47.44
That is so sweet. Right.
00:31:47.47\00:31:50.01
He was still being in the role.
He was still concerned, right.
00:31:50.04\00:31:53.98
Yes, yes, playing
the role of husband,
00:31:54.01\00:31:57.45
houseband the one who
takes care of the family
00:31:57.48\00:32:03.08
and he was making
sure it gets done.
00:32:03.12\00:32:04.45
He was making sure.
00:32:04.49\00:32:05.92
That is so
beautiful, that is beautiful.
00:32:05.95\00:32:08.52
What about your mom?
00:32:08.56\00:32:10.16
Yeah, I, I really
think that they know
00:32:10.19\00:32:13.56
when they get to that point
00:32:13.60\00:32:15.13
that something is
changing in their lives.
00:32:15.16\00:32:19.13
Mom as well, let us
know, well, let me know.
00:32:19.17\00:32:23.47
She said, when I would say,
00:32:23.51\00:32:25.24
"Mom, why are you
doing these things?"
00:32:25.27\00:32:27.41
You know, and I
didn't understand
00:32:27.44\00:32:29.51
and she would say,
00:32:29.54\00:32:30.95
"You know, this
thing that I have,
00:32:30.98\00:32:32.51
it just takes you
to another place."
00:32:32.55\00:32:35.88
And she, she would tell me,
00:32:35.92\00:32:39.39
you know, maybe
about a year later,
00:32:39.42\00:32:41.86
you know, she would say,
00:32:41.89\00:32:43.39
"Well, I'm not
gonna be around for long.
00:32:43.43\00:32:48.73
I'm just gonna be around
00:32:48.76\00:32:50.10
but I'm not gonna
be here for long."
00:32:50.13\00:32:52.93
So they have a
sense of what is going on
00:32:52.97\00:32:58.71
and that there
is changes happening
00:32:58.74\00:33:01.41
beyond their control.
00:33:01.44\00:33:04.28
It's very important to listen,
listen to them at that time.
00:33:04.31\00:33:09.98
There is changes and
there's, there's messages
00:33:10.02\00:33:12.45
that they're sending to us
that and now that I look back,
00:33:12.49\00:33:17.73
I realize Mom was
reaching out to us
00:33:17.76\00:33:20.13
to prepare us for her changes
00:33:20.16\00:33:22.63
and what was
gonna happen to her.
00:33:22.66\00:33:26.90
Listening is really important
for those that have parents
00:33:26.94\00:33:31.57
when, you know,
be understanding.
00:33:31.61\00:33:35.68
Don't ask mother,
"Why are you doing this?
00:33:35.71\00:33:38.15
Or you can do better than that."
00:33:38.18\00:33:40.12
They really can't.
00:33:40.15\00:33:42.92
It's just a process
that they're going through.
00:33:42.95\00:33:47.59
So the patience is so
important with the loved one
00:33:47.62\00:33:51.76
because they are changing.
00:33:51.79\00:33:53.56
They know they are changing
00:33:53.60\00:33:55.50
and there's really
nothing they can do about it.
00:33:55.53\00:33:57.57
Sometimes you're
repeating yourself
00:33:57.60\00:33:59.37
over and over.
00:33:59.40\00:34:00.74
Some of these things,
I'm checking myself out.
00:34:00.77\00:34:02.87
Like, I start saying like, okay,
00:34:02.90\00:34:06.71
and I'm
forgetting things but anyway.
00:34:06.74\00:34:08.28
So, you know, I
think we have to be patient
00:34:08.31\00:34:11.95
with those we love and make sure
00:34:11.98\00:34:13.88
that we're hearing them.
00:34:13.92\00:34:15.95
Right.
00:34:15.98\00:34:17.32
Just like you
said, we have to be sure
00:34:17.35\00:34:18.69
that we're hearing them
00:34:18.72\00:34:20.16
because they will let
us know different things
00:34:20.19\00:34:23.32
in their lucid moments
00:34:23.36\00:34:24.76
and they do have
moments of lucidity.
00:34:24.79\00:34:27.13
Oh, they absolutely do.
00:34:27.16\00:34:28.86
And that's why probably
I am just pro in homecare.
00:34:28.90\00:34:34.04
Let's talk about it.
00:34:34.07\00:34:36.10
I think there's a
perception out there
00:34:36.14\00:34:38.61
that once you are diagnosed...
00:34:38.64\00:34:40.38
Once you have
dementia of any kind,
00:34:40.41\00:34:43.01
that you are not
the same person you were
00:34:43.04\00:34:46.72
and that's just not true.
00:34:46.75\00:34:48.38
Okay, let's unpack
that words, unpack it.
00:34:48.42\00:34:49.75
That's not true.
00:34:49.78\00:34:51.75
We have been with my father
over these seven years now
00:34:51.79\00:34:55.46
and as he declines
there are still things
00:34:55.49\00:34:59.93
and personalities that come out
00:34:59.96\00:35:02.56
and he will even say a
word just out of the blue
00:35:02.60\00:35:06.94
and one time he
called me Aunt Runeale
00:35:06.97\00:35:10.94
which is his sister.
00:35:10.97\00:35:13.01
And it was like, "Dad,
where did that come from
00:35:13.04\00:35:15.74
how did you know to say that?"
00:35:15.78\00:35:18.81
So you will miss
those things and those times
00:35:18.85\00:35:23.12
when there are glimpses of them
00:35:23.15\00:35:25.45
and even when
they have some clarity.
00:35:25.49\00:35:27.69
My father is late stage,
00:35:27.72\00:35:30.09
but he still has
glimpses of his old self
00:35:30.13\00:35:35.30
and he still may say something
00:35:35.33\00:35:37.40
and he doesn't speak in
complete sentences anymore,
00:35:37.43\00:35:40.74
but he may say
something that tells you,
00:35:40.77\00:35:43.84
"You knew that,
how did you know that?"
00:35:43.87\00:35:47.08
And so, if I feel
if you just prematurely
00:35:47.11\00:35:52.48
put your loved
one in a facility,
00:35:52.51\00:35:54.32
they decline faster.
00:35:54.35\00:35:56.15
They need to be around things
00:35:56.18\00:35:57.82
that are familiar to
help with that memory,
00:35:57.85\00:36:01.59
and they need to see the people
that they're used to seeing.
00:36:01.62\00:36:06.03
So my father can't call my name,
00:36:06.06\00:36:08.16
he always calls my
older sister her name,
00:36:08.20\00:36:10.40
he still calls her name.
00:36:10.43\00:36:12.03
But he knows who I
am he knows my voice,
00:36:12.07\00:36:14.47
he knows our voice and
so that's so important.
00:36:14.50\00:36:18.64
So you still see your
dad is still in there.
00:36:18.67\00:36:21.14
Absolutely.
00:36:21.18\00:36:22.51
It's just there
are just some changes.
00:36:22.54\00:36:25.75
It's a different
version but he's there.
00:36:25.78\00:36:29.28
That's good, yeah.
00:36:29.32\00:36:30.89
I like that.
00:36:30.92\00:36:32.25
It's a different
version of your dad.
00:36:32.29\00:36:33.69
Right.
00:36:33.72\00:36:35.06
But he still
there, it's kind of like
00:36:35.09\00:36:37.73
there was a book
"Stroke of Insight"
00:36:37.76\00:36:41.23
and I read some parts
of it and one of the things
00:36:41.26\00:36:44.37
that the author
had, had a stroke
00:36:44.40\00:36:47.24
and she was a psychologist.
00:36:47.27\00:36:51.17
And she, she kind
of documented later
00:36:51.21\00:36:55.24
what she went
through and she said,
00:36:55.28\00:36:58.65
she was still in there
00:36:58.68\00:37:00.35
people would
come to the hospital
00:37:00.38\00:37:02.58
and talk around her as
though she wasn't there
00:37:02.62\00:37:06.69
but she was still in there.
00:37:06.72\00:37:08.92
Right.
00:37:08.96\00:37:10.29
And she could hear
what they were saying
00:37:10.33\00:37:11.66
and all that and
not really respond
00:37:11.69\00:37:15.23
but she was still there.
00:37:15.26\00:37:17.00
And I think that's
what you're saying.
00:37:17.03\00:37:18.93
That your loved
ones are still there,
00:37:18.97\00:37:21.47
that you still
have to treat them
00:37:21.50\00:37:23.30
with dignity and respect,
00:37:23.34\00:37:25.31
and keep try to
stimulate them mentally.
00:37:25.34\00:37:28.38
Absolutely.
00:37:28.41\00:37:29.74
Because I think that
that's one of the things
00:37:29.78\00:37:32.51
with my dad that I'm seeing
00:37:32.55\00:37:34.65
that if we
stimulate him mentally
00:37:34.68\00:37:37.39
we talk about things
like if we started singing
00:37:37.42\00:37:39.42
like our Pastor John Lomacang,
00:37:39.45\00:37:42.96
who is also a dear
friend and like a brother,
00:37:42.99\00:37:45.99
my dad was his principal.
00:37:46.03\00:37:47.63
So he would come, he comes
00:37:47.66\00:37:49.83
and Ange come
to the nursing home
00:37:49.86\00:37:52.17
and they will talk to
my dad and sing to him,
00:37:52.20\00:37:55.77
and he'll start
singing, or he loves it,
00:37:55.80\00:37:58.44
so I think it's,
it's all part of that
00:37:58.47\00:38:03.45
that whole idea
of reminding them of
00:38:03.48\00:38:07.48
who they are.
00:38:07.52\00:38:08.85
Bringing them back to their...
00:38:08.88\00:38:10.22
You're nodding, do you agree?
00:38:10.25\00:38:11.59
I think what
we've just stated here
00:38:11.62\00:38:14.49
is very, very important
00:38:14.52\00:38:16.32
if you don't take
anything else away
00:38:16.36\00:38:18.39
just know that that person
is very much there in ways,
00:38:18.43\00:38:24.07
and they will let you
know 'cause if you think,
00:38:24.10\00:38:27.07
"Oh, we can put them
out to Pastor," you know,
00:38:27.10\00:38:29.97
you can't really do
that because they're there.
00:38:30.01\00:38:34.64
I've experienced everything
00:38:34.68\00:38:36.24
that you've just
said with my mom.
00:38:36.28\00:38:38.58
And toward the end,
00:38:38.61\00:38:41.68
I can say this
just to let you know
00:38:41.72\00:38:45.99
that God is actually with
those throughout their life
00:38:46.02\00:38:51.09
even when they have
that type of illness
00:38:51.13\00:38:55.23
and they know, they actually,
00:38:55.26\00:38:57.87
my mom was still
praying which was amazing to me.
00:38:57.90\00:39:01.84
I would hear her in
the middle of the night
00:39:01.87\00:39:03.74
saying her prayers.
00:39:03.77\00:39:06.27
It's just amazing to know
00:39:06.31\00:39:07.74
that the connection
is still there with God,
00:39:07.78\00:39:10.28
still there with her children,
00:39:10.31\00:39:12.15
she knew every one of us,
she had late stage dementia,
00:39:12.18\00:39:16.48
it's just amazing, amazing.
00:39:16.52\00:39:18.82
That's such a good point, Lecia.
00:39:18.85\00:39:20.19
I think we need to
expand on that a little bit
00:39:20.22\00:39:22.69
because one thing about our
God is that He is so faithful.
00:39:22.72\00:39:29.16
He is.
00:39:29.20\00:39:30.53
And the prayers of His saints
00:39:30.57\00:39:32.07
even when they
can no longer cogitate
00:39:32.10\00:39:34.64
the way they once did,
00:39:34.67\00:39:36.27
even though they don't,
00:39:36.30\00:39:38.57
you know, they're
not all together anymore
00:39:38.61\00:39:42.28
He's still their God,
00:39:42.31\00:39:43.95
He still hears
their current prayers
00:39:43.98\00:39:47.05
and the prayers
that they prayed for us,
00:39:47.08\00:39:51.09
forever.
00:39:51.12\00:39:52.45
I mean, He is still our God
00:39:52.49\00:39:55.62
and He still takes care of them.
00:39:55.66\00:39:58.79
What do you find was
00:39:58.83\00:40:01.43
or if there was a
spiritual impact of dementia
00:40:01.46\00:40:05.33
you're saying, Lecia,
that your mom still prayed.
00:40:05.37\00:40:07.90
What about your dad, Shelley?
00:40:07.94\00:40:09.44
So my father he doesn't speak
in complete sentences anymore,
00:40:09.47\00:40:14.14
but he knows
when it's time to eat
00:40:14.18\00:40:16.58
and we say a
blessing, he knows to say, amen.
00:40:16.61\00:40:20.78
And sometimes when he,
I love bedtimes for him.
00:40:20.82\00:40:24.49
Because when he's
in bed he's relaxed
00:40:24.52\00:40:26.76
and we have to put him
to bed at a certain time
00:40:26.79\00:40:28.52
he's on a schedule.
00:40:28.56\00:40:30.06
He's relaxed and
he will just chatter
00:40:30.09\00:40:33.26
and say different things
00:40:33.29\00:40:34.93
and he will go into
sometimes he will say,
00:40:34.96\00:40:38.00
"Thank you, Lord"
00:40:38.03\00:40:39.37
or, you know, it is like
'Dad' you know the same thing.
00:40:39.40\00:40:42.70
"How did you know?" Yeah, yeah.
00:40:42.74\00:40:44.41
So it is and we pray
with him and he knows.
00:40:44.44\00:40:48.24
He is he's
humbled by it, I mean,
00:40:48.28\00:40:50.85
he will close his eyes
and he will say, "Yes, Lord."
00:40:50.88\00:40:54.88
And he I, I, you
know, it's just in him.
00:40:54.92\00:40:58.92
So he hasn't lost it
it's been a comfort for him
00:40:58.95\00:41:01.79
all of his life,
00:41:01.82\00:41:03.43
so it's a comfort to us
00:41:03.46\00:41:05.39
because we feel my father's
calling and election is sure.
00:41:05.43\00:41:09.80
We know it
00:41:09.83\00:41:11.17
and so we're just
keeping him comfortable for now.
00:41:11.20\00:41:14.00
Yeah.
00:41:14.04\00:41:15.37
And that's all we can
do with our loved ones
00:41:15.40\00:41:18.77
that are going through it
00:41:18.81\00:41:20.18
just make them as
comfortable as possible.
00:41:20.21\00:41:21.64
Right.
00:41:21.68\00:41:23.01
Surround them with
people that they love,
00:41:23.04\00:41:25.78
continue to read to
them, and talk to them,
00:41:25.81\00:41:28.15
and sing to them.
00:41:28.18\00:41:29.52
Yeah, that's another
point that is very, very well,
00:41:29.55\00:41:33.46
I need to address, singing.
00:41:33.49\00:41:36.59
They have just
discovered that singing songs
00:41:36.62\00:41:39.96
for the dementia and Alzheimer's
00:41:40.00\00:41:42.60
is very important.
00:41:42.63\00:41:44.47
They did a test
and they wanted to see
00:41:44.50\00:41:47.70
how these
individuals would respond.
00:41:47.74\00:41:50.71
These were patients
that where non responsive.
00:41:50.74\00:41:54.48
And when they put the
headsets over their ear
00:41:54.51\00:41:57.78
and turned on
familiar music from back
00:41:57.81\00:42:01.05
when they were young
and they heard that music
00:42:01.08\00:42:04.65
they respond and some where
even trying to sing the words.
00:42:04.69\00:42:08.96
I have to say music plays
a very good part in healing
00:42:08.99\00:42:14.36
and progress I'd say of those
00:42:14.40\00:42:18.63
that have dementia.
00:42:18.67\00:42:21.70
My mother did the last thing
00:42:21.74\00:42:23.41
I wanted to say
is before she died,
00:42:23.44\00:42:26.44
the morning that she woke
up she looked really puzzled.
00:42:26.47\00:42:32.25
Like something...
The morning for death?
00:42:32.28\00:42:33.68
Yes.
00:42:33.72\00:42:35.05
She looked like
something was bothering her
00:42:35.08\00:42:38.32
or maybe she
wanted to say something
00:42:38.35\00:42:41.52
and I looked at her and I said,
00:42:41.56\00:42:44.23
"Mom, why worry
when you can pray?"
00:42:44.26\00:42:47.10
Those were her own words
that she would say to us.
00:42:47.13\00:42:50.97
And she kind of looked like
00:42:51.00\00:42:53.40
she really
understood even though
00:42:53.44\00:42:55.74
she wasn't verbally expressive
and then something told me
00:42:55.77\00:43:02.41
"No, you need to
not work this morning
00:43:02.44\00:43:05.01
you need to
spend time with her."
00:43:05.05\00:43:07.45
And I did.
00:43:07.48\00:43:09.25
The amazing thing was is that
00:43:09.28\00:43:12.12
I started
reading Bible scripture
00:43:12.15\00:43:17.09
that she knew, just short ones,
00:43:17.13\00:43:19.13
'cause I know their
attention span is quite short.
00:43:19.16\00:43:22.56
And then I started
singing and playing her music
00:43:22.60\00:43:25.77
that she liked over the iPad,
00:43:25.80\00:43:30.01
and I told her
that a day is gonna come
00:43:30.04\00:43:32.87
when she can walk
and not get weary,
00:43:32.91\00:43:35.98
she shall run, she
will run and not faint,
00:43:36.01\00:43:39.01
and she was
just so happy to hear
00:43:39.05\00:43:42.98
that everything was
gonna be made new again.
00:43:43.02\00:43:46.59
I told her, "Mom,
you're gonna be made new again.
00:43:46.62\00:43:49.46
We're gonna be there together,
00:43:49.49\00:43:50.99
we'll be able
to see each other."
00:43:51.03\00:43:52.89
She was so excited to know
00:43:52.93\00:43:55.50
that there's hope
that this is not the end,
00:43:55.53\00:43:59.70
that she's got a
better life awaiting her.
00:43:59.73\00:44:03.74
And it sort of
brought joy to her
00:44:03.77\00:44:06.34
and comfort not only to her,
00:44:06.37\00:44:08.28
to me to see the
look on her face,
00:44:08.31\00:44:11.05
to see the smile
that she had on her face,
00:44:11.08\00:44:13.68
and the amazing thing is
that she just stared at me like
00:44:13.72\00:44:16.79
she really knew
that what I was saying,
00:44:16.82\00:44:20.96
I just thank God
that I had that moment
00:44:20.99\00:44:23.63
to have that
morning worship with her,
00:44:23.66\00:44:26.70
to have that
personal time with her
00:44:26.73\00:44:29.73
to make her lift her spirits.
00:44:29.76\00:44:32.00
Yes.
00:44:32.03\00:44:33.37
I gave her hope for another
day and to let her know I said,
00:44:33.40\00:44:37.41
"Mom, you're not
always gonna be this way,
00:44:37.44\00:44:39.47
laid up in the bed,
not able to do anything.
00:44:39.51\00:44:43.01
The day is gonna come
00:44:43.04\00:44:45.25
where all things
shall be made new again."
00:44:45.28\00:44:48.12
And that was the
morning that we had with her
00:44:48.15\00:44:51.55
and just so happened
that she never really speaks,
00:44:51.59\00:44:56.02
so when the caregivers came in,
00:44:56.06\00:45:00.03
one of them was an aide
the other one was an RN.
00:45:00.06\00:45:04.43
And the RN just noticed that
she just was having a good day.
00:45:04.47\00:45:10.14
This was her last day,
though, what we didn't realize
00:45:10.17\00:45:13.84
I didn't know at that time
00:45:13.88\00:45:15.21
that this was
neither did the nurses
00:45:15.24\00:45:16.98
because she was so attentive.
00:45:17.01\00:45:19.58
She said, well, when the
nurse was turning her she said,
00:45:19.61\00:45:23.18
"Just take time with me
while you're turning me."
00:45:23.22\00:45:26.29
And we were shocked,
then the other nurse,
00:45:26.32\00:45:29.42
the aide that came in, she said,
00:45:29.46\00:45:32.36
"Mrs. Marr, aren't
you gonna give me a kiss
00:45:32.39\00:45:34.76
before you leave?"
00:45:34.80\00:45:36.33
And my mom looked at
her and she blew out,
00:45:36.36\00:45:40.40
my mom just poked her lips
out and blew a kiss at her.
00:45:40.44\00:45:43.87
I was so
surprised and it just shows
00:45:43.91\00:45:47.04
how her spirits was
uplifted for the whole day
00:45:47.08\00:45:50.48
and quietly that night,
you know, she did go to sleep
00:45:50.51\00:45:57.35
and it's just so good to
know that I did have that time.
00:45:57.39\00:46:01.12
I wouldn't have
been able to even have
00:46:01.16\00:46:04.13
this type of a relationship
with God, her, and myself,
00:46:04.16\00:46:09.23
if she didn't teach
us this is the way to go.
00:46:09.26\00:46:12.43
I wouldn't have been
there to hold her hand
00:46:12.47\00:46:14.24
to comfort her
when she needed just,
00:46:14.27\00:46:17.27
at that moment, to know
that God was gonna be with her.
00:46:17.31\00:46:22.34
I think
sometimes as you get older,
00:46:22.38\00:46:25.01
you realize there got to
be something more in life than
00:46:25.05\00:46:30.09
what this world has to offer.
00:46:30.12\00:46:32.39
Absolutely.
00:46:32.42\00:46:33.76
And just to know that we
can really look to the Lord,
00:46:33.79\00:46:39.66
that He will be
there, that He does care,
00:46:39.69\00:46:42.93
He actually brought it
to me at that moment to know
00:46:42.96\00:46:46.00
that this is what my mom needed,
00:46:46.03\00:46:48.64
and she was able
to rest peacefully
00:46:48.67\00:46:52.94
knowing her fate
calling and election was sure.
00:46:52.97\00:46:57.01
Isn't that a
blessing to know first of all
00:46:57.05\00:47:00.28
that God cared enough to
have you stay home that day?
00:47:00.32\00:47:05.05
Because He
impressed that on your heart
00:47:05.09\00:47:07.22
to stay with your mom that day
00:47:07.26\00:47:09.06
and then you were singing to her
00:47:09.09\00:47:10.46
and bring your scriptures,
00:47:10.49\00:47:11.93
I mean, what better way
to go than to go in Jesus,
00:47:11.96\00:47:16.50
what better way?
00:47:16.53\00:47:17.90
She just went to sleep
00:47:17.93\00:47:19.50
and during her
sleep she passed away.
00:47:19.53\00:47:23.00
It was in the sleep? Yes.
00:47:23.04\00:47:25.77
It just so happened that
00:47:25.81\00:47:27.31
it was in the
middle of the night
00:47:27.34\00:47:28.91
and I thought it
was she had a thought
00:47:28.94\00:47:33.42
she had a cold coming down.
00:47:33.45\00:47:35.08
Because I heard the sound,
00:47:35.12\00:47:37.05
sounded like a cold on her chest
00:47:37.09\00:47:38.92
and now I know it's what
they call the death rattle.
00:47:38.95\00:47:44.06
And I gave us as
I always talk to her
00:47:44.09\00:47:48.16
I never made her feel
like she wasn't there.
00:47:48.20\00:47:51.57
I said, "Mom, sounds like
you've got a cold coming down.
00:47:51.60\00:47:55.57
I'm gonna have to
give you some medicine."
00:47:55.60\00:47:59.01
And that's how I
always communicated with her
00:47:59.04\00:48:01.54
even if she didn't
communicate back to me,
00:48:01.58\00:48:03.95
I always talked with
her and it really helps.
00:48:03.98\00:48:09.08
Anyway, I gave her the
cough medicine that night
00:48:09.12\00:48:11.82
and I was getting ready
go back to bed and I said,
00:48:11.85\00:48:15.76
"I'll just turn the
TV on so you can watch TV
00:48:15.79\00:48:18.93
since you're wide awake."
00:48:18.96\00:48:21.06
And turned to walk away
00:48:21.10\00:48:23.47
and then I heard
that sound again said,
00:48:23.50\00:48:26.80
"Mom, I'm gonna
put the nebulizer
00:48:26.84\00:48:29.00
'cause I think you're really
coming down with something."
00:48:29.04\00:48:31.91
so I put the nebulizer on.
00:48:31.94\00:48:34.54
And after I put the
nebulizer on I said,
00:48:34.58\00:48:39.68
"Something's not right here
00:48:39.71\00:48:41.22
she just doesn't look the same."
00:48:41.25\00:48:44.59
And then I decided
I'd call the nurses.
00:48:44.62\00:48:48.92
So I called them and then
told them what was happening
00:48:48.96\00:48:53.13
and they said "Okay,
we'll send someone out."
00:48:53.16\00:48:56.46
By this now I started seeing
that she was closing her eyes
00:48:56.50\00:49:01.54
and just going quietly.
00:49:01.57\00:49:04.97
Then I started to
see signs of foaming,
00:49:05.01\00:49:09.71
called my brother
and family and ambulance,
00:49:09.74\00:49:13.45
and by time they got there
they tried to resuscitate her,
00:49:13.48\00:49:17.89
but and take
her to the hospital,
00:49:17.92\00:49:21.26
and then when it
was all over I asked,
00:49:21.29\00:49:24.13
I went to the doctor
00:49:24.16\00:49:25.49
and I was
crying he comforted me,
00:49:25.53\00:49:28.23
and he said to me, "I
just wanted to you to know
00:49:28.26\00:49:31.70
that your
mother went peacefully.
00:49:31.73\00:49:34.94
She just went to sleep
and she didn't feel any pain."
00:49:34.97\00:49:39.51
Oh! That's a blessing, isn't it?
00:49:39.54\00:49:42.28
It is. To know that.
00:49:42.31\00:49:44.51
It is. And I pray
that for us as well.
00:49:44.55\00:49:47.78
That's the hope. Yes.
00:49:47.82\00:49:49.42
That is our hope. Yes, yes.
00:49:49.45\00:49:51.69
And to know that this
is not it, that we're,
00:49:51.72\00:49:56.99
you know, we're here
but when that trumpet sounds
00:49:57.03\00:50:01.30
and the dead in
Christ rise first
00:50:01.33\00:50:03.47
and then we which are alive
00:50:03.50\00:50:04.83
and remain shall be
caught up together with them
00:50:04.87\00:50:07.80
to meet the Lord
in the air that...
00:50:07.84\00:50:11.44
There is nothing
greater than that.
00:50:11.47\00:50:13.88
When you think about that scene,
00:50:13.91\00:50:16.11
that whole scene the
resurrection, and that is,
00:50:16.14\00:50:20.08
that's incredible.
00:50:20.12\00:50:21.45
That's why, you know,
for our brothers and sisters
00:50:21.48\00:50:22.82
that believe that when you
die you go right to heaven,
00:50:22.85\00:50:25.75
where's the resurrection
like where does that come in?
00:50:25.79\00:50:28.89
We know that when
you die, you go to sleep
00:50:28.92\00:50:32.83
and when that trumpet sounds,
00:50:32.86\00:50:34.20
when Jesus returns
and the trumpet sounds,
00:50:34.23\00:50:37.00
our bodies are changed from
corruptible to incorruptible
00:50:37.03\00:50:41.07
in the twinkling
of an eye like, bam!
00:50:41.10\00:50:43.04
Like it's just...
00:50:43.07\00:50:44.41
It's amazing, you
know, no more mental fog,
00:50:44.44\00:50:48.68
no more forgetfulness,
00:50:48.71\00:50:50.05
no more
dementia, and Alzheimer's.
00:50:50.08\00:50:52.25
I mean, we we're here
today to talk about something
00:50:52.28\00:50:55.98
that happens on
this side of eternity.
00:50:56.02\00:50:57.99
Right.
00:50:58.02\00:50:59.35
But we know as Danny say's,
00:50:59.39\00:51:01.16
we've read the back of the book.
00:51:01.19\00:51:02.69
So we know what
happens on the other side
00:51:02.72\00:51:05.06
and we praise God for that.
00:51:05.09\00:51:07.06
I want to get back to
your book for a minute,
00:51:07.10\00:51:09.00
Shelley, because
what we didn't talk about,
00:51:09.03\00:51:13.94
and I think is really important,
00:51:13.97\00:51:15.84
is when your first
mapping out what to do,
00:51:15.87\00:51:20.68
in your book you
talk about scheduling,
00:51:20.71\00:51:23.24
unpack that a little bit for us
00:51:23.28\00:51:24.61
'cause I think that's
a very important point.
00:51:24.65\00:51:26.65
Sure.
00:51:26.68\00:51:28.02
So when we
worked with my father,
00:51:28.05\00:51:30.65
there were a lot
of uncertainties.
00:51:30.69\00:51:33.09
He, you know, was nervous
about so many different things.
00:51:33.12\00:51:37.03
And what we found was
that if we can map out his day,
00:51:37.06\00:51:41.63
he can anticipate
that each and every day
00:51:41.66\00:51:43.87
the exact same thing's happening
00:51:43.90\00:51:45.77
at the exact same time.
00:51:45.80\00:51:47.94
So we had a
schedule that we put together
00:51:47.97\00:51:50.57
and we had it
posted at one time,
00:51:50.61\00:51:52.87
but I think we all know
it backwards and forwards.
00:51:52.91\00:51:55.88
But it starts with the
time he gets up in the morning,
00:51:55.91\00:51:58.91
and what happens
from there his bath,
00:51:58.95\00:52:01.08
his breakfast, his
cognitive activities,
00:52:01.12\00:52:04.09
outside time, nap time,
00:52:04.12\00:52:06.52
it is mapped out all
the way until bedtime.
00:52:06.55\00:52:09.72
And the reason why
00:52:09.76\00:52:11.09
that's so important
is because a lot of times
00:52:11.13\00:52:13.60
you'll hear that
someone's patient,
00:52:13.63\00:52:17.03
dementia patient or
loved one is acting out,
00:52:17.07\00:52:20.90
they're not cooperative,
they might be aggressive,
00:52:20.94\00:52:24.27
and that helps with
putting them on a schedule
00:52:24.31\00:52:27.28
so they can anticipate things,
00:52:27.31\00:52:29.41
and also so that they don't run
into sundowning or sundowners,
00:52:29.44\00:52:35.12
as I call it, in the evenings
00:52:35.15\00:52:37.75
where they do
become a little more antsy
00:52:37.79\00:52:40.06
and maybe aggressive
because they're just uneasy.
00:52:40.09\00:52:43.73
So keeping them on a schedule
it helps them, it helps you,
00:52:43.76\00:52:47.96
and especially if you have
care that's rotating in and out,
00:52:48.00\00:52:51.67
everyone knows what's
supposed to happen next.
00:52:51.70\00:52:54.04
Oh, I like that. Right.
00:52:54.07\00:52:55.64
So sundowning,
let's talk about that
00:52:55.67\00:52:57.97
because so are there
cycles then with dementia like
00:52:58.01\00:53:02.41
during the day
they might be okay,
00:53:02.44\00:53:04.41
but in the evening
a little cranky or...
00:53:04.45\00:53:06.05
Right.
00:53:06.08\00:53:07.42
And it's really amazing to see
because as the sun goes down,
00:53:07.45\00:53:12.39
we have seen a transition
come over my father's face
00:53:12.42\00:53:15.96
and so we're like,
"Oh, no, get him in the bed.
00:53:15.99\00:53:20.00
Hurry, get him in the bed."
00:53:20.03\00:53:23.73
Because he starts,
their vision, first of all,
00:53:23.77\00:53:26.87
they start to see
shadows instead of, you know,
00:53:26.90\00:53:30.64
people they're seeing shadows
00:53:30.67\00:53:32.71
so you have to make
sure the room is well lit
00:53:32.74\00:53:35.61
and that you could get them
in bed as quickly as possible.
00:53:35.64\00:53:38.98
Because they are
then in protective mode,
00:53:39.01\00:53:41.78
they don't know
00:53:41.82\00:53:43.15
if they should be
protecting themselves from you
00:53:43.18\00:53:46.35
because they can't
fully recognize you.
00:53:46.39\00:53:49.46
So, yes, when that happens
00:53:49.49\00:53:51.23
you can see the
difference come over his face,
00:53:51.26\00:53:53.83
you can see it in his eyes.
00:53:53.86\00:53:55.76
And I remember one time
my brother called and said,
00:53:55.80\00:53:58.83
"I need you all to come
over, Dad has sundowners."
00:53:58.87\00:54:02.20
And when we got there, he
had backed himself into a corner
00:54:02.24\00:54:06.27
and would not let
my brother touch him.
00:54:06.31\00:54:08.61
So we had to distract
him because that's, you know,
00:54:08.64\00:54:11.98
he can get
distracted very easily
00:54:12.01\00:54:13.95
and it can help us
if we can distract him.
00:54:13.98\00:54:16.92
So we had to distract him
to get him out of that corner
00:54:16.95\00:54:20.16
and then get him into bed.
00:54:20.19\00:54:22.59
Yeah.
00:54:22.62\00:54:23.96
So it pays to
have that schedule.
00:54:23.99\00:54:26.29
It pays.
00:54:26.33\00:54:27.66
So that you know just
what's, and they know too,
00:54:27.70\00:54:31.60
just what's coming up next
00:54:31.63\00:54:33.03
and they get
used to the routine.
00:54:33.07\00:54:34.84
Right.
00:54:34.87\00:54:36.20
I think it's very healthy
mentally for them as well.
00:54:36.24\00:54:39.17
It is.
00:54:39.21\00:54:40.54
And then it make sure, you know,
00:54:40.58\00:54:41.94
you make sure you're getting
all those activities in that
00:54:41.98\00:54:44.21
they like to do, and
things that are good for them,
00:54:44.25\00:54:47.28
like fresh air, and sunshine,
and cognitive activities,
00:54:47.32\00:54:51.82
whether it's reading or writing,
00:54:51.85\00:54:55.06
if they can still
write, those are things
00:54:55.09\00:54:57.03
that we need to
continue to encourage.
00:54:57.06\00:54:59.53
So take one minute both of you
00:54:59.56\00:55:01.90
'cause we're almost out of time,
00:55:01.93\00:55:04.10
take one minute
00:55:04.13\00:55:05.47
and talk to us
about just overall
00:55:05.50\00:55:11.54
what is your overall
impression of what to do
00:55:11.57\00:55:15.24
when your loved
one has dementia.
00:55:15.28\00:55:18.25
So one thing that I would do,
00:55:18.28\00:55:21.58
that everyone
should do, is prepare.
00:55:21.62\00:55:23.92
And not just my book because
it does outline step-by-step
00:55:23.95\00:55:27.79
what you should do
but prepare your family,
00:55:27.82\00:55:30.59
come together as a
family, prepare your loved one
00:55:30.63\00:55:33.90
who's suffering from it,
00:55:33.93\00:55:35.33
without trying
to drill it in them,
00:55:35.36\00:55:37.10
they don't need to retain
it, but you want to make sure
00:55:37.13\00:55:39.23
they're on board with
00:55:39.27\00:55:41.00
what is coming so
prepare, prepare, prepare.
00:55:41.04\00:55:45.97
And do you think
you should let them know
00:55:46.01\00:55:48.64
what they have do
they need to understand
00:55:48.68\00:55:51.35
the diagnosis themselves?
00:55:51.38\00:55:53.01
It just depends on
how far along they are.
00:55:53.05\00:55:55.48
If they are in
still the earlier stages
00:55:55.52\00:55:57.75
they need to know because
they can help you prepare
00:55:57.79\00:56:01.26
and they can
give you those things
00:56:01.29\00:56:02.66
that are important
to them, so definitely.
00:56:02.69\00:56:05.66
And let's put up your
website again for your book.
00:56:05.69\00:56:08.06
Let's put that up
there so that you know
00:56:08.10\00:56:11.43
how to get the book
and get it, and read it,
00:56:11.47\00:56:16.07
and incorporate what's in there,
00:56:16.10\00:56:18.64
and then,
Lecia, what do you say?
00:56:18.67\00:56:20.21
One minute.
00:56:20.24\00:56:21.58
I would say show
them lots of love.
00:56:21.61\00:56:27.15
Hugs, kisses,
they appreciate that
00:56:27.18\00:56:30.32
they still want to feel
loved and always be patient.
00:56:30.35\00:56:34.56
Understand that
this is an illness.
00:56:34.59\00:56:38.33
It is out of their control.
00:56:38.36\00:56:40.50
If they act out, just understand
00:56:40.53\00:56:43.63
this is not
aggressively towards you
00:56:43.67\00:56:46.84
it's because of the
illness that they have
00:56:46.87\00:56:50.11
and be understanding.
00:56:50.14\00:56:52.67
And why should people
contact SDA Elderly Care?
00:56:52.71\00:56:57.31
Because we have resources,
00:56:57.35\00:56:59.58
we can point you
in the right direction
00:56:59.61\00:57:02.08
and help you to get started
on this very long journey.
00:57:02.12\00:57:06.42
That's great.
00:57:06.45\00:57:07.89
You guys, I can't tell
you how much I appreciate
00:57:07.92\00:57:11.13
what you've
brought to our viewers.
00:57:11.16\00:57:14.46
I always like to bring
the viewers information
00:57:14.50\00:57:17.70
and resources.
00:57:17.73\00:57:19.43
And you have really
provided not just the resources
00:57:19.47\00:57:23.61
not just information,
but also transparency.
00:57:23.64\00:57:27.58
And for that, I'm
really appreciative
00:57:27.61\00:57:30.58
and I know that you are too.
00:57:30.61\00:57:33.31
So thank you, both, so
much for being with us.
00:57:33.35\00:57:37.02
Thank you. Thank you.
00:57:37.05\00:57:38.62
You guys really were a blessing.
00:57:38.65\00:57:40.82
If you have loved ones
that you're concerned about
00:57:40.86\00:57:43.69
with this issue, talk
to them, prepare for this,
00:57:43.73\00:57:47.50
do some research,
contact SDA Elderly Care,
00:57:47.53\00:57:51.97
get Shelley's book,
"Dad's Got Dementia"
00:57:52.00\00:57:55.20
you can do it, work
with your family member.
00:57:55.24\00:57:58.61
Thank you so much
for being with us.
00:57:58.64\00:58:00.48
Join us next time
'cause you know what?
00:58:00.51\00:58:02.14
It just wouldn't be
the same without you.
00:58:02.18\00:58:04.61