The road to romance can be
a challenging one. Stay tuned
00:00:01.96\00:00:04.00
to find out how to
make it a little bit easier.
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My name is Jason Bradley and
you're watching Urban Report.
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Hello and Welcome to Urban
Report. I had the privilege of
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interviewing the cast
from "Road to Romance" on their
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set with my Mom, Yvonne Lewis.
Let's see what they had to say
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As you know I love to go on the
sets of our different programs
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from Dare to Dream and Jason
and I are here on the set of
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Road to Romance. Hey J. Hi
Ma Good to have you here, yeah!
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We're on the set of Road to
Romance with the host, doctor
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and the team from this season's
Road to Romance, so let's go
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around and have you
introduce yourselves and tell us
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where you're from. Let's
start with you Dr. Jacob. Where
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are you from? Loma Linda, CA.
Great. I'm Bianca Acosta and I'm
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from Rancho
Cucamonga, in CA as well.
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I'm Shawn Berrotin and
I'm from Brooklyn, New York
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I'm Vania Dieujuste.
I'm originally from Curacao
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but I live in
Riverside, California.
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I'm Jeremiah Dieujuste and I
live in Riverside, CA, as well.
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I'm Miles Rashad originally
from Los Angeles, California
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but I live in
Huntsville, Alabama.
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Alright. We have a pretty
good representation here, right?
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There's a couple people
from California here, uh huh
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California, New York and Alabama
so we've got quite a bit of
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representation here. So let's
find out from Dr. Jacob. How did
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you go about finding this
Season's group of candidates?
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Well I got a lot of help.
We've got a website XYtheory.com
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and we advertized and had a
lot of people respond that way
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and then word of mouth.
I think a lot of people got
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the newsletter that you sent
out and they contacted us and
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it was quite a
process and here we are.
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Yes, this is so good. So in the
future if someone wants to be
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a link there that directs them
you know on what they should do
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where they should go. There's
also a phone number they can
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can call directly if they wanna
talk to someone and get some
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direct immediate feedback.
Good, good. Tell us a little bit
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about the xy theory so that
people who are not familiar with
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Road to Romance or that theory
can know what it's all about.
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Right. Probably about 10 years
ago which probably dates me, but
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about 10 years ago I started
noticing that in spite of our
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best efforts with regard to
spirituality, I noticed that
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a lot of couples were struggling
to make it in the relationship
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to make it in the marriages, so
we felt that there was something
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in addition to spiritual factors
that might be contributing to
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to all of the distress
that couples were having.
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So we took a look at the
psychology and we found that
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people were matching themselves
up to others who were uh
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opposite in personality
type and they had no idea that
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personality was causing problems
in spite of their best spiritual
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efforts. So I decided to create
a test called the xy personality
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test and this test will allow
you to do one of two things
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If you're single it will allow
you to find out if the person
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that you're interested in
will be a match inside of the
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relationship before
you go on the first date.
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Before you contact that person
at all. You don't have to waste
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any time. You don't have to go
to a restaurant, you don't have
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to spend money on a meal if you
don't want to. It's appealing
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to some people before you
spend any money you can find out
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You don't have to go to anywhere
at all, the park wherever you go
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and you can take the test, you
can do it remotely. Person can
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be in the UK, could be in Russia
and it will tell you, ok this
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person, if you were to
get together with this person
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somewhere down the road you will
find that you guys are opposites
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that should never have
attached, never have been
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Now how do you pop that question
to somebody, how do you just
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say, you know I want to go out
with you I want you to take this
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test first. I mean how do you
go about doing that? That's a
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good question, since I
had to pilot test it. Ha ha ha
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I know what works and
what absolutely doesn't
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You should absolutely not
say it's a personality test.
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You shouldn't. You should
probably choose a restaurant
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where there's a long waiting
list and you're there for like
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at least half an hour, maybe
20 minutes and then you say
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Hey let's pass the time. I have
a friend that created this test
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It's a fun test you know, it's
on the internet, it's all over
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it's just a fun thing to pass
the time and you take the test
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on the phone to show that you're
not afraid of the test yourself.
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and you pass the phone on to
them and they can go on there
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and take the test. The questions
are non intrusive, nothing
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personal, they're not going
to ask anything about boyfriends
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and all of that. They ask
some really strange questions
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they might ask you something
like 'do you enjoy going fishing
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and on the basis of that answer
we'll be able to make some
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guesses you know about what
your personality type is. So
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they will have no clue as long
as you don't say this test is
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going to determine whether
or not we have a second date.
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Ha ha ah. You don't say
that. You are fine. ha ha ha ha
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This test determines whether or
not you ever hear from me again
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Again, right? Hahaha. Determines
whether or not I'm going to
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stick around till that
bill comes. Oh hahahaha
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That's really interesting to
me because the test, the way you
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set it up is it lets you
know who that person is in the
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relationship. Right. So everyone
puts their best foot forward
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during the dating process but
you don't really know who that
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person is until you marry them
perhaps and then you're in there
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it's too late. I'm glad you
mentioned that because there's
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also the hormones that are
involved that cause people to
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put up a front, so to speak and
unpack that, tell us about that.
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To let a lot of people off the
hook it's not always a malicious
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act. I know some people send
a deed representative and they
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know full well that this is
not who they are. But there are
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others who mean well and they're
just tryin to put their best
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foot forward, so we have about
8 hormones that are related to
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relationships and those hormones
actually work in our favor to
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enable us to make this
match happen. Some of them are
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blinding hormones. So they blind
you to the faults of the person
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that you're trying to get with.
Ah it's like the honeymoon phase
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exactly! And it can do it
for quite a while. Most people
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believe it could do it
for about almost two years.
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So if you decided I will save
myself by dating a long time
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long enough to find out who this
individual is, it might not be
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long enough. So the hormones
are responsible for that, and
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hormones are responsible for
most of the feelings that you
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feel when you're dating like
the butterflies in the stomach.
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There are specific hormones for
that. They're also responsible
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for who you choose. If you're
likely to choose someone that
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with a high-powered career over
someone let's say just you know
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is just concerned
about character let's say,
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a hormone's actually responsible
for that choice as well.
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Hmm, yes so they run the show.
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And if you have no idea what
they are and how to control them
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then you find yourself
saddled five years in a marriage
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that your little 8 hormones
took you to. It's pretty serious
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It's helpful to know
about them Hmm hmm. Yeah
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So the X is then, you know the
XY theory. You developed this
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theory, right? So the X
is, describe what they are like
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and describe what YX are like.
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X types in
general, X really means high
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Y means low. So a lot of folks
hear it and they think that I'm
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talking about chromosomes. Yeah
right. It's just coincidental.
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So X meaning high in
anything. High in communication
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high in your need for intimacy.
So the 2 pillars, the 2 main
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pillars, the core-communication
and intimacy, so if you have a
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high need for each of those
you'll be considered an X, X
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So one would be communication
and the other would be intimacy
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If you are a Y,Y you have
a low need for each of those.
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We've also gone on and added
to those two so now we have a
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total of 4. And the reason for
that is, we've always known that
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they existed but we chose to
start off simply so that people
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you know can grasp the concept.
The first one is adaptability
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that we added and adaptability
simply means, I know I have to
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make adjustments, unless
you're marrying your twin
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ah ha ha ha. You're going to
find someone that is a little
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different from you, raised
in a different place, raised by
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different parents and
different parenting style
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probably a different part of
the country and you are gonna
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have to make adjustments.
But what we found is that
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one personality type finds
those adjustments more difficult
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to make than the other. So the
test now includes information
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to let you know, well Jason
may love you but he has a really
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hard time changing some
things. He has a hard time
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being flexible. Hmm. So
if you love Jason you need to
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keep in mind that you will
be the one making the changes
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not him. Wow! So the test
lets you know ahead of time
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And keep in mind that
that is a completely. Ha ha
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Right, right. So if you're an
X and you're involved with a Y
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then know that you are the
one that's gonna have to make
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most of the compromises. yeah.
Because the Y is not going to
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compromise. The X type generally
and there are exceptions
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which is why the test
comes in really handy because
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if there were no exceptions we
wouldn't need a test we'll just
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say, you know. So the X types
generally do what I call the
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heavy lifting in
the relationship.
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They do the maintenance. If it
were not for X types there were
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a lot of relationships and
marriages that would've failed
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we wouldn't have a divorce
rate at 50%, it'd be like 85%
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Wow! They serve a good purpose
because you know let's face it
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we don't have 50% Xs and
50% YX you know what I'm saying
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we have more like, when it comes
to men we have about 25% of
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men that are X types
which I call X-men or X type men
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because they're in such low
supply I think if women knew
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about X men they would be
rushing out there and you know
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asking what's your type,
what's your personality type?
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Because Y type men they have
their advantages, they're the
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strong, silent type. If you
want someone that doesn't get
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easily ruffled, if you know that
you're a worry wart, you worry
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easily you'd want to be with
someone that's more of a Y type
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quality because they'll keep
you grounded, but that flip side
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is that they also because
they are so grounded they're not
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going to be very flexible. Hmm
So it's also about what you want
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There are some folks out there
who would prefer to be with
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someone, that you know is
the strong, silent somewhat
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inflexible type, there are those
that want that. So the test
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allows you to pretty much pick
and choose. You can choose to
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be with somebody more like
you which of course is what
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I recommend, or you can choose
to be with someone that has
00:12:08.29\00:12:12.19
a few traits different, you
know from yours just so that you
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could balance out some other
things about your personality
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Now what about the popular
saying Opposites Attract?
00:12:19.87\00:12:25.77
Right, yeah. How does
that come into play with the XY
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Even with the XY
theory it's exactly the same
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Opposites attract. But what I
say is in XY theory, opposites
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are attractive
but not adhesive Hmmm
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So. Wow! Yeah. You could get in
you could get in but you have no
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guarantee that you'd be
able to be bonded enough to make
00:12:44.19\00:12:49.00
a lifetime of it.
Longevity! Yeah. Right, exactly.
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No guarantee for longevity.
We also have a 4th dimension
00:12:53.54\00:12:58.07
it's a conflict
resolution piece which we call
00:12:58.11\00:13:00.88
inter-activity and again
what that means is, you're not
00:13:00.91\00:13:04.18
marrying your twin so
you are going to find someone
00:13:04.21\00:13:06.61
who, number 1 you have to
make adjustments to be with and,
00:13:06.65\00:13:09.98
in spite of that you're
still gonna have times when you
00:13:10.02\00:13:13.12
cannot resolve issues. Uh huh.
So we know that about 70-73%
00:13:13.15\00:13:18.19
of all conflicts, all
arguments are not resolvable.
00:13:18.23\00:13:23.13
Yes 70-73% of all arguments
are really not solvable.
00:13:23.16\00:13:29.57
So what happens is someone
has to say you know what?
00:13:29.60\00:13:33.14
Let's do it your
way, let's do it your way.
00:13:33.17\00:13:37.21
Then if you're an X and
you're with a Y most of the time
00:13:37.25\00:13:39.91
it's going to be X. Yes, if
you're an X it's going to be you
00:13:39.95\00:13:43.12
Down to everything, the timing
of everything, if you're single
00:13:43.15\00:13:47.89
like most of my friends here the
X type will not be the one who
00:13:47.92\00:13:51.79
determines when they
get married. It'll be the Y
00:13:51.83\00:13:54.46
Because the X will be
like let's do it now. Ha ha ha
00:13:54.50\00:13:57.00
But the Y will be like,
no let's save some money
00:13:58.43\00:14:00.80
I told you I need to
have $500,000 in the bank
00:14:00.84\00:14:03.51
Haha ha before we make
this move you know. So conflict
00:14:03.54\00:14:07.84
resolution, but even with that
we're finding that we have to be
00:14:07.88\00:14:11.11
able to predict what type of
conflict resolution you are more
00:14:11.15\00:14:15.55
comfortable with because you
have to be able to be matched
00:14:15.58\00:14:18.35
even in that. Now either you
believe that you want to resolve
00:14:18.39\00:14:22.19
conflict quickly or you would
prefer to process. So we have
00:14:22.22\00:14:25.56
those processors that need some
time and sometimes they're not
00:14:25.59\00:14:29.86
just processing, they're really
angry and they need time to
00:14:29.90\00:14:33.44
cool down but still the
point is you have two groups
00:14:33.47\00:14:36.91
those who need time and
those that want it right away.
00:14:36.94\00:14:40.01
And so we have to match, the
algorithm has to match those who
00:14:40.04\00:14:44.45
want to resolve it right away
with people who want to resolve
00:14:44.48\00:14:46.95
it right away. Because you
put those two people together
00:14:46.98\00:14:50.59
you know, you have let
me take a week to never
00:14:50.62\00:14:53.89
to resolve it and let me do
it right away and when you put
00:14:53.92\00:14:56.83
those two people together
that's a recipe for disaster.
00:14:56.86\00:15:00.30
Right, right. Because the time
tables are so different. Yeah
00:15:00.33\00:15:05.60
One person is anxious to get
it settled and the other one is
00:15:05.63\00:15:09.84
like, look I can't talk about it
right now. Yeah. Just give me a
00:15:09.87\00:15:13.98
little time. And so if you can't
find some kind of resolution
00:15:14.01\00:15:20.62
to that dissonance then
you're going to implode. Yeah.
00:15:20.65\00:15:26.19
Like that's just not gonna work.
We really had to work on this
00:15:26.22\00:15:29.72
piece because what we found is
both sides suffer from anxiety
00:15:29.76\00:15:34.83
or they experience anxiety when
they're pushed, so if you are
00:15:34.86\00:15:39.30
what we call a distancer,
meaning that you like to put
00:15:39.33\00:15:42.54
some distance between you
and any conflict you feel some
00:15:42.57\00:15:46.54
anxiety when your partner
is pursuing you for resolution
00:15:46.57\00:15:51.11
If you keep backing up
then your partner that is coming
00:15:51.15\00:15:56.15
after you to resolve it also
experiences a rising cortisol
00:15:56.18\00:15:59.52
which means both of you are
experiencing serious anxiety
00:15:59.55\00:16:03.43
over the one issue
because you want to resolve them
00:16:03.46\00:16:05.89
in a different time frame.
Hmm so how do you resolve that?
00:16:05.93\00:16:10.73
When you have two
totally different timetables?
00:16:10.77\00:16:13.94
And I know you talk about that
on the program, but just give us
00:16:13.97\00:16:17.31
the synopsis. Of course for my
young singles here I tell them
00:16:17.34\00:16:20.71
that this is resolved by staying
away from someone like that
00:16:20.74\00:16:22.91
Ha ha ha. If you haven't already
married them don't marry them.
00:16:22.94\00:16:28.78
Yeah. That's what you're saying
Yes, it's the hardest thing
00:16:28.82\00:16:31.19
It's a personality and it's
the hardest thing to change.
00:16:31.22\00:16:34.52
It's a combination of
what you're given genetically
00:16:34.56\00:16:37.63
in the womb, along with years
of parenting. And by the time
00:16:37.66\00:16:42.90
your significant other meets
you it's a pretty done deal.
00:16:42.93\00:16:46.94
It's a done deal. It's very
difficult, it's not impossible
00:16:46.97\00:16:49.14
but it's difficult to
change so for them, clean slate
00:16:49.17\00:16:52.77
let us do the hard work
for you. We have the algorithm
00:16:53.41\00:16:56.98
The test is free and you can
take the test and it will tell
00:16:57.01\00:16:59.98
you exactly who to be
matched with. But for couples
00:17:00.02\00:17:03.12
it's a compromise. I mean
they absolutely must compromise
00:17:03.15\00:17:06.82
we've had couples that we've
worked with where one person
00:17:06.86\00:17:11.19
really wanted, and we can
measure, we can actually tell
00:17:11.23\00:17:13.70
you what your timeframe is so
one guy in particular, 5 minutes
00:17:13.73\00:17:19.10
he needed resolution in 5
minutes, like right now. He
00:17:19.13\00:17:25.11
exactly what that was.
His wife, she needed 24 hours
00:17:25.14\00:17:31.11
And so they had to compromise
and the compromise was, ok
00:17:32.28\00:17:36.32
we'll try to get it done before
sunset, so we try to get it
00:17:36.35\00:17:40.09
done within the day. Nice!
He understood that he'll feel
00:17:40.12\00:17:43.19
anxiety from the moment it
happened until the end of day
00:17:43.22\00:17:46.13
Right. and she understood that
she's going to feel some anxiety
00:17:46.16\00:17:49.20
herself because she'd
prefer to do it the next day.
00:17:49.23\00:17:51.87
For a lot of people when they
sleep their brain continues to
00:17:52.87\00:17:56.34
process the information so
that very often they wake up
00:17:56.37\00:17:59.81
almost with a Eureka moment.
Oh wow, ok I think I know what
00:17:59.84\00:18:03.48
we need to do. Well you would
rob that person of that and it's
00:18:03.51\00:18:07.08
just a part of the compromise
is what they're going to have to
00:18:07.12\00:18:09.25
let go. But that's what it
is. Anything else is probably
00:18:09.28\00:18:13.15
not going to work. Wow.
That is so interesting to me.
00:18:13.19\00:18:17.06
Because couples are individuals
that are put together
00:18:17.09\00:18:21.43
and you have to know how to
"BE" with that person. Right.
00:18:21.46\00:18:25.93
And so if you're, what're
you gonna say? It's so important
00:18:25.97\00:18:29.87
to be able to maintain
your individuality, mmm exactly
00:18:29.90\00:18:33.84
in that relationship as well.
But the Bible nailed it when
00:18:33.88\00:18:38.48
it said you need to be equally
yoked. That's in every aspect.
00:18:38.51\00:18:42.85
Spirituality to just being
on the same page with conflict
00:18:43.59\00:18:48.32
resolution, all of those
things because if you're not
00:18:48.36\00:18:51.99
you know there's going to be
some issues and that longevity
00:18:52.03\00:18:55.23
might not be. Yeah. I'm
glad you mentioned that, we do
00:18:55.26\00:18:59.03
measure that as well
because when the Bible says that
00:18:59.07\00:19:01.60
I think the Bible was referring
more to spiritual intimacy,
00:19:01.64\00:19:04.87
so we have intimacy as a
piece but we found a way to
00:19:04.91\00:19:07.14
measure spiritual intimacy. Oh
how? Well the algorithm's going
00:19:07.18\00:19:11.18
to do it but what we found
is especially within our faith
00:19:11.21\00:19:16.58
we have more categories and
strata of believers, More levels
00:19:16.62\00:19:22.09
than almost any other religion.
Really? What are some of the
00:19:22.12\00:19:25.49
levels. Ok, just in terms
of belief we have conservatives
00:19:25.53\00:19:29.60
ultra conservatives, moderates,
liberals, ultra liberals
00:19:29.63\00:19:32.87
just on that level alone.
Wow. You don't want to put an
00:19:32.90\00:19:37.47
ultra conservative with an ultra
liberal. Ha ha ha. Both going to
00:19:37.51\00:19:43.24
the same heaven, both serving
the same Lord. But they don't
00:19:43.28\00:19:47.28
think they're both going
ha ha ha and both should be
00:19:47.32\00:19:51.19
in the same narrow path
that Jesus talked about, right?
00:19:51.22\00:19:53.76
No they're on the same road but
they don't see each other at all
00:19:53.79\00:19:56.39
Not at all. Not on that path.
So we try to, the algorithm can
00:19:56.42\00:20:01.63
match you up with someone that
is in the same, you know, level
00:20:01.66\00:20:06.20
the same degree that you're in
I'm not talking about degree of
00:20:06.23\00:20:09.74
spirituality but difference
of belief. So now wait, are you
00:20:09.77\00:20:12.94
talking about, we know
about the test, are you saying
00:20:12.97\00:20:15.61
that you also have on this
website you also have a kind of
00:20:15.64\00:20:19.18
dating. Yes, we have a
dating website that is finished.
00:20:19.21\00:20:24.42
Oh. But not launched. Yeah
because we would like quite
00:20:24.45\00:20:29.02
a few people to go on
there and familiarize themselves
00:20:29.06\00:20:31.39
with the test. Get to know
that their personality type is.
00:20:31.43\00:20:34.60
That's the big problem. A lot
of people are going out there
00:20:34.63\00:20:36.53
dating, marrying, but they
have no idea who they are which
00:20:36.56\00:20:40.70
means they have no
idea what they need. Right.
00:20:40.74\00:20:42.90
So our first goal for several
months, we're going to do this
00:20:42.94\00:20:45.54
for several months, have the
test on there for free. Anyone
00:20:45.57\00:20:48.34
can go on there, find out
what you're all about, find out
00:20:48.38\00:20:50.98
you know, find out who you
are and maybe 2-3 months later
00:20:51.01\00:20:55.55
then we'll actually launch the
dating website and we will do
00:20:55.58\00:20:58.45
the algorithm in the background
we'll do all of that for you
00:20:58.49\00:21:01.92
I mean if you put a vegan
with someone who eats meat but
00:21:01.96\00:21:06.59
they decided you know what,
I'm not going to deal with the
00:21:06.63\00:21:10.03
unclean meat but I'll you
know you're gonna have problems
00:21:10.07\00:21:14.44
They're gonna have problems.
And even though they go to the
00:21:14.47\00:21:16.71
same church and serve the same
Lord it's going to be a problem.
00:21:16.74\00:21:20.04
So, and this is just to give you
an idea in just within our faith
00:21:20.08\00:21:24.05
so we have a lot of information
we don't ask a lot of questions
00:21:24.08\00:21:28.28
but we get a lot of information,
and we try to take the guess
00:21:28.32\00:21:32.49
work out of it for folks and we
also try to take the hard work
00:21:32.52\00:21:35.59
because listen, the
world has become quite complex
00:21:35.62\00:21:37.89
Yes. And we try to make it easy
for you because nobody wants to
00:21:37.93\00:21:41.26
go and do a calculus. You don't
want to do calculus to be dating
00:21:41.30\00:21:45.73
Feel like you're doing a math
test to be dating. You just want
00:21:45.77\00:21:49.17
to go in there and you want
someone else to do it for you
00:21:49.20\00:21:51.04
We're like the big match maker
except we feel that we do it
00:21:51.07\00:21:54.34
more accurately than
anyone else. Love this. This is
00:21:54.38\00:21:58.15
incredible, isn't it? So
first you have the test and then
00:21:58.18\00:22:02.78
you have the dating site. Yeah
And then we have the dating site
00:22:02.82\00:22:06.42
And then as soon as that is
launched then we launch the Apps
00:22:06.45\00:22:10.29
because the Apps have a lot
of work to do, I mean there are
00:22:10.33\00:22:14.23
people who will not go on
a dating website. Still about
00:22:14.26\00:22:18.83
at least 25-35% of the people
that are single that you talk to
00:22:18.87\00:22:24.94
will never go on a website. So
we have to create Apps and bring
00:22:24.97\00:22:29.54
what we have to them. Hmm.
So down the road, down the road
00:22:29.58\00:22:34.42
not too far down, we're talking
about maybe the Fall, if one of
00:22:34.45\00:22:38.75
your colleagues walked into this
room right now and we were all
00:22:38.79\00:22:43.22
single, his phone will go off
and will let him know who here
00:22:43.26\00:22:48.80
he is matched up with.
And it wouldn't matter whether
00:22:48.83\00:22:51.90
guy to girl though, right?
Not guy to guy? Ha ha ha...No!
00:22:51.93\00:22:56.50
I had to say that, no absolutely
not! Because the current
00:22:58.21\00:23:02.44
environment that we're in, yeah
we just want to make it clear
00:23:02.48\00:23:05.85
No, this would be the wrong web
site. And we have age grouping
00:23:05.88\00:23:12.35
too right? Well everything.
A good website is supposed to
00:23:12.39\00:23:16.42
group you according to
the demographic that you want.
00:23:16.46\00:23:19.69
If you want a certain age group
if you're 20 something and you
00:23:19.73\00:23:23.87
like 60 something old man
we're not going to deny you
00:23:23.90\00:23:26.43
that's your right if you want
an older man that's up to you
00:23:26.47\00:23:29.60
Ha ha ha ha. Interesting
interesting. I had to get
00:23:32.37\00:23:36.71
a response. Or if you
wanted somebody from New York
00:23:36.75\00:23:39.05
while you live in California
you know you shouldn't be
00:23:39.08\00:23:42.15
denied that right. Or from
Alabama. Right. Or from Alabama
00:23:42.18\00:23:47.16
We have to make sure
you get whatever you want.
00:23:50.69\00:23:52.59
Thank you for all the help!
00:23:52.63\00:23:55.13
Anything I can do to help.
00:23:55.16\00:23:57.30
But wherever you go, anywhere
you walked into a store we
00:23:57.33\00:24:02.17
want to convert every area
every space, every building
00:24:02.20\00:24:08.44
every jobsite, every hangout
joint to a place where someone
00:24:08.48\00:24:14.42
can meet somebody that
they're well matched with. Wow!
00:24:14.45\00:24:18.45
You know we're not going into
clubs, in other words that's not
00:24:18.49\00:24:23.43
our scene. Right. But I feel
for those people as well and I
00:24:23.46\00:24:28.06
think that if I could help
even them when you know that
00:24:28.10\00:24:31.97
they're going to hook up with
this person here and that person
00:24:32.00\00:24:34.10
there, if I could help even
them to be well matched, because
00:24:34.14\00:24:37.21
our goal, the goal of the Jacob
Research Institute is to reduce
00:24:37.24\00:24:41.44
marital distress and reduce
divorce rate. Across the country
00:24:41.48\00:24:47.78
Christian or non-Christian,
people are suffering and
00:24:47.82\00:24:51.15
you suffer the same whether you
are Christian or non-Christian
00:24:51.19\00:24:53.99
so wherever you are and whatever
you're doing our goal is to
00:24:54.02\00:24:57.79
match you with someone who's
going to give you best chance
00:24:57.83\00:25:01.26
of having longevity in
your marriage. Hmmm it's good.
00:25:01.30\00:25:05.93
Bianca what did you get
from being on Road to Romance?
00:25:05.97\00:25:09.97
It was good to see, I guess, get
confirmation and some insight
00:25:10.01\00:25:16.54
I see some things that I
knew about myself and then kinda
00:25:16.58\00:25:21.12
understanding, Oh so that's
why, you know that makes sense
00:25:21.15\00:25:25.89
you know this thing
that I learned about myself
00:25:25.92\00:25:28.92
so things like that and a
lot of other things that people
00:25:28.96\00:25:33.43
would see if they
watch the program.
00:25:33.46\00:25:35.03
Ha ha ha. Good. For sure. What
about you Shawn? What'd you get?
00:25:35.06\00:25:39.13
Well, I guess a better
understanding of how I interact
00:25:39.17\00:25:43.30
you know, in a relationship.
Something that kinda stood out
00:25:43.34\00:25:49.08
was the soft science. You know
these are things to look out for
00:25:49.11\00:25:52.78
when interacting with
someone and I know that I'm an X
00:25:52.81\00:25:58.19
Well an XX and that's also good
to know because I don't wanna
00:25:58.22\00:26:03.63
have any type of personality
incompatibility with someone, so
00:26:03.66\00:26:07.50
And your journey has been
pretty interesting like we know
00:26:09.03\00:26:13.60
We'll come back to Bianca
because we didn't find out
00:26:13.64\00:26:16.54
what you've been doing
and I do want to know that
00:26:16.57\00:26:18.97
But you have written a book
and you have really focused on
00:26:19.01\00:26:24.91
brokenness. Talk a little bit
about your book and what you're
00:26:24.95\00:26:27.52
you're doing. And
how you came to write it.
00:26:27.55\00:26:29.98
Ok, well. What's the name of it?
This book is the most beautiful
00:26:30.02\00:26:35.16
arrangement on brokenness. And
it's a short story where I share
00:26:35.19\00:26:41.46
an experience that I was in
where I was, I was prayerful
00:26:41.50\00:26:47.80
in a situation where I felt I
was being led by God to pursue
00:26:47.84\00:26:51.97
someone and I missed a couple
of red flags because of this
00:26:52.01\00:26:58.08
little hormone that I learned
about called Dopamine and I
00:26:58.11\00:27:03.15
That's the thing it happens
to the best of us, it happens
00:27:05.45\00:27:07.89
you could search through the
Scriptures and you could see how
00:27:07.92\00:27:10.66
the enemy would use a lot
of these same situations with
00:27:10.69\00:27:14.60
men and women, you know.
Yeah I was led to prayerfully,
00:27:14.63\00:27:21.10
again because I was prayerfully
thinking that someone was the
00:27:21.14\00:27:23.71
right match for me when
the dopamine and all of these
00:27:23.74\00:27:27.91
other things deceived me
you know and I, the relationship
00:27:27.94\00:27:34.48
didn't go anywhere and
we weren't actually in a
00:27:34.52\00:27:36.85
relationship but the whole point
is that you know the person
00:27:36.89\00:27:41.09
wasn't able to love me because
they were "broken" they weren't
00:27:41.12\00:27:47.43
ready to love. Had she just
gotten out of a bad relationship
00:27:47.46\00:27:51.80
or something. Yes. So she wasn't
emotionally ready to get into
00:27:51.83\00:27:56.44
anything else, is that right?
Exactly. And that's a cycle that
00:27:56.47\00:27:58.87
I asked God to use me to
help people to understand that
00:27:58.91\00:28:02.04
this is a cycle that must break
and it's nothing new to me,
00:28:02.08\00:28:06.38
I was too that broken person,
and I jumped into another
00:28:06.41\00:28:10.69
relationship, it's
termed rebound relationship
00:28:10.75\00:28:14.39
and you know you can
never really heal by trying to
00:28:14.42\00:28:17.99
break somebody else,
you know so to speak.
00:28:18.03\00:28:21.06
You know it's an ugly cycle and
I want God to use me to reach
00:28:21.10\00:28:25.07
as many people to help them
to see all of these signs before
00:28:25.10\00:28:28.57
they get into a bad situation
and they walk around hating the
00:28:28.60\00:28:33.14
world you know, hating God
and hating the opposite sex.
00:28:33.17\00:28:38.88
Uh huh. It's hard to have
a relationship where someone
00:28:38.91\00:28:44.29
brings baggage from previous
relationships in it because
00:28:44.32\00:28:48.22
then it's almost like
you're paying for someone else's
00:28:48.26\00:28:50.83
mistakes and your relationship
will never be successful.
00:28:50.86\00:28:54.03
Exactly. It's crazy because
we went to Oakwood together
00:28:54.06\00:28:59.00
we didn't really hang out back
in the day but we would always
00:28:59.03\00:29:02.34
see each other and now we're
coming together. You are on the
00:29:02.37\00:29:05.54
Road to Romance and now we're
talking about you and your book
00:29:05.57\00:29:08.61
it's just amazing to see you,
the growth in you spiritually
00:29:08.64\00:29:13.08
and all that as well. Praise God
Likewise with you. I appreciate
00:29:13.11\00:29:16.42
that. No problem. God is good
It's amazing to me how He brings
00:29:16.45\00:29:22.52
people together. Because
to me all of you were divinely
00:29:22.56\00:29:27.53
ordained to be on this program
and to be here at this time
00:29:27.56\00:29:32.20
Bianca I just want to come back
to you for a moment. OK. Because
00:29:32.23\00:29:35.70
you are doing something really
interesting. Tell us what you're
00:29:35.74\00:29:38.07
doing. Well I am getting
ready to take my State Boards
00:29:38.11\00:29:43.51
I'm a veterinarian and I love
taking care of God's creatures
00:29:43.55\00:29:49.38
and being able to help owners
learn how best to take care
00:29:49.42\00:29:55.16
of their pets and themselves
too because really like a lot of
00:29:55.19\00:29:59.19
people don't understand how much
health in the animal kingdom can
00:29:59.23\00:30:04.63
impact human health. Hmm. And
it's really important to take
00:30:04.67\00:30:09.50
care of both. And also I
mean I've mentioned this to them
00:30:09.54\00:30:15.74
before but, half jokingly, half
seriously that some of the first
00:30:15.78\00:30:20.52
jobs that God gave us
was gardener and zoo keeper
00:30:20.55\00:30:23.99
So I mean He wants us to be able
to take care of the gifts that
00:30:24.02\00:30:27.62
He's given us and that's the
way I feel called to do that.
00:30:27.66\00:30:30.33
That's great. Thank you.
Now, our married couple here
00:30:31.56\00:30:37.07
for this season on Road to
Romance tell us how you guys met
00:30:37.10\00:30:40.30
Vania you start. Well,
we met on line. Ha ha ha.
00:30:40.34\00:30:47.21
Yes, we're one of the couples
that decided to, you know
00:30:49.41\00:30:55.38
think out of the box and
see, like check all the online
00:30:55.42\00:31:00.52
options and for me it was
more like, I knew what I wanted
00:31:00.56\00:31:05.59
and I really knew what I was
able to offer and I wanted to
00:31:05.63\00:31:11.93
I wanted that to be appreciated
and yes, I was willing to just
00:31:11.97\00:31:16.81
explore the options because
I knew that the person that I
00:31:16.84\00:31:19.94
wanted was hard to find, so
00:31:19.97\00:31:22.41
What was it you wanted? Well
I wanted someone that is able to
00:31:22.78\00:31:28.85
communicate well and that I
can be myself with, that can be
00:31:28.88\00:31:34.89
playful. You know someone
that has great humor and that is
00:31:34.92\00:31:40.76
intelligent and yet we can
be best friends, so those are a
00:31:40.80\00:31:45.77
few things that I truly
wanted and found in him.
00:31:45.80\00:31:49.60
I'm the lucky recipient.
00:31:50.87\00:31:53.34
How long were you on the website
before you found each other?
00:31:54.04\00:31:57.95
Well, let me think. I was
on the website but not really
00:32:00.02\00:32:06.25
active and once I really decided
to go, like me and my mom
00:32:06.29\00:32:11.46
went together and I actually
saw him like right away you know
00:32:11.49\00:32:17.30
like it didn't take long at all.
So that was pretty interesting.
00:32:17.33\00:32:20.80
Actually when she first got
on the website she didn't have
00:32:20.84\00:32:23.51
a profile picture, so she was
really trying not to be seen by
00:32:23.54\00:32:28.94
the folks on there. I
was under cover. Ha ha ha
00:32:28.98\00:32:32.41
As the story goes she
comes across my profile and then
00:32:34.78\00:32:39.29
I think her mom and sister had
urged her in order for him to
00:32:39.32\00:32:43.83
notice you, you have to put
a profile picture on and so she
00:32:43.86\00:32:47.30
heeded that advice and put
her picture on and then she
00:32:47.33\00:32:51.50
essentially reached out to me
to just let me know she was here
00:32:52.13\00:32:57.07
and that she had noticed me and
then from there, my journey on
00:32:57.11\00:33:00.68
this site was I was on there
a couple of weeks. I wasn't on
00:33:00.71\00:33:03.58
there for long. Just so I could
be clear I live in Riverside and
00:33:03.61\00:33:10.39
so my radius was only 25 miles.
00:33:10.42\00:33:14.29
You weren't trying to get
a long distance relationship
00:33:15.09\00:33:17.89
you wanted somebody right there.
So when she reached out to me
00:33:17.93\00:33:23.97
and I saw her, I saw on
there that it said Netherlands.
00:33:24.00\00:33:27.17
At that time I wasn't aware
that it was Netherlands Antilles
00:33:27.20\00:33:29.84
which is where she's
from, the Caribbean, Curacao.
00:33:29.87\00:33:32.94
And I said, Oh man, Lord. As
soon as I saw her I knew that
00:33:32.97\00:33:38.45
that was the one for me. I knew
that she was going to be my wife
00:33:38.48\00:33:41.35
and that's where my
future was going to be with her.
00:33:41.38\00:33:44.49
And I'm like how are we going
to get through this barrier?
00:33:44.52\00:33:47.92
Across oceans, so I just
trust that the Lord would see it
00:33:47.96\00:33:52.19
through and I just subscribed
right then and there cause I
00:33:52.23\00:33:54.70
didn't have a subscription and
trust that once I got on there
00:33:54.73\00:33:59.07
we would communicate and
everything would work out.
00:33:59.10\00:34:01.30
And what were you
looking for in a companion?
00:34:01.34\00:34:04.67
Essentially I was looking for
the same kinda things that she
00:34:04.71\00:34:09.04
myself with, someone that I
could communicate with, being
00:34:09.08\00:34:13.38
a marriage and family therapist
you know, having that degree
00:34:13.42\00:34:17.35
and training I look for certain
things specifically like someone
00:34:17.39\00:34:21.02
who's high in communication
who's able to relate to various
00:34:21.06\00:34:25.56
things that I'm particularly
interested in and I felt like
00:34:25.59\00:34:29.53
when I saw her profile I
knew she could meet those needs
00:34:29.56\00:34:33.27
and so I felt confident that
this was gonna be it for me.
00:34:33.30\00:34:36.44
Yes, and the funny thing is
that when I read what he wrote
00:34:36.47\00:34:40.14
when I read what he wrote
about himself, I was like Wow!
00:34:40.18\00:34:45.01
and when I read what he wrote
about what he was looking for
00:34:45.05\00:34:48.32
I was like Uh,
he's describing me.
00:34:48.35\00:34:53.46
I was like shocked, I was
like what is this? You know, so
00:34:55.02\00:35:00.10
Weren't you going
to delete your profile?
00:35:00.13\00:35:04.07
Oh yes, I was just about
to delete my profile. Before
00:35:04.10\00:35:08.60
she had reached out to me. Wow.
I was gonna delete my profile
00:35:08.64\00:35:12.87
Maybe the next day. I was gonna
delete my profile. So I really
00:35:12.91\00:35:16.28
feel the Lord had His hands all
over. Oh yes. You might not be
00:35:16.31\00:35:19.71
sitting here today if
you had deleted your profile.
00:35:19.75\00:35:22.78
That's true, That's true. It's
amazing to me how God brings
00:35:22.82\00:35:27.06
people together and this
was a Christian website. Uh huh.
00:35:27.09\00:35:30.16
So you didn't go on any website
You went on a Christian website
00:35:30.19\00:35:34.36
and you found each other. You
have a very interesting dynamic
00:35:34.40\00:35:40.74
to what you guys particularly
did and I'd like it if you would
00:35:40.77\00:35:46.61
to share a little bit of
that the boundaries that you set
00:35:46.64\00:35:49.84
because we've had some other
guests on a program that we have
00:35:49.88\00:35:53.78
called Pure Choices and they
have done similar things. Talk a
00:35:53.82\00:35:57.49
little bit about the boundaries
you set up within your courtship
00:35:57.52\00:36:01.52
Okay. Well I know when we
first started dating, I'm sorry
00:36:01.56\00:36:07.00
courting each other one of
the things I liked about how she
00:36:07.03\00:36:11.67
approached the whole thing
was I feel like I had to earn
00:36:11.70\00:36:15.74
every aspect of the courtship.
We essentially graduated from
00:36:15.77\00:36:20.54
the various points of our court
ship where we first started on
00:36:20.58\00:36:24.85
the website and then I wanted
to see more of her and then
00:36:24.88\00:36:27.38
we went to social media and
then connected there and then
00:36:27.42\00:36:31.15
from there I was able to connect
with her where we had calls
00:36:31.19\00:36:36.29
on line where we could see each
other and then from there we
00:36:36.32\00:36:38.89
started talkin on the phone
more to where about 9 months of
00:36:38.93\00:36:43.26
having really long intense
conversations we decided that
00:36:43.30\00:36:46.37
it was time for us to meet
each other. You didn't meet for
00:36:46.40\00:36:49.90
9 months? For 9 months.
Wow. And how far apart were you?
00:36:49.94\00:36:55.44
From where I live and where
she lives, it's about 3100 miles
00:36:55.48\00:36:59.25
Oh. And so, ok. I wanted
to say something about that
00:36:59.28\00:37:03.08
That's one of the benefits
of online dating, the only thing
00:37:03.12\00:37:06.72
you can do is communicate. So
you will find out, if you know,
00:37:06.76\00:37:11.19
you can if that person is
interesting enough, if you can
00:37:11.23\00:37:15.43
engage for a long time, you know
that was definitely one of the
00:37:15.46\00:37:21.20
great benefits. Because imagine
if he'd be too boring or if I
00:37:21.24\00:37:27.11
were boring, you know you can't
fake that. You can't fake being
00:37:27.14\00:37:32.38
someone on the phone for 4 hours
you know what I mean? So it has
00:37:32.41\00:37:35.78
to feel natural. So if you can
do that for month after month
00:37:35.82\00:37:40.52
after month and it keeps growing
so it's a good sign. And for me
00:37:40.56\00:37:45.56
I through our communication
I just knew that she was the
00:37:45.59\00:37:49.63
quality person you know she
comes from a good family, good
00:37:49.66\00:37:53.77
stock and I wanted
to make sure ah ha ha ha
00:37:53.80\00:37:58.24
And the thing that I liked about
her was I knew that you know
00:38:03.41\00:38:08.55
sometimes as guys you meet
people you think to yourself
00:38:08.58\00:38:12.49
ok well this person really can't
sustain me in a certain way
00:38:12.52\00:38:16.59
and I maybe able to get away
with certain things but with her
00:38:16.62\00:38:19.53
I never thought I could get away
with anything because I know
00:38:19.56\00:38:23.03
she wouldn't allow for that.
But what's more significant
00:38:23.06\00:38:26.33
for me is I did not want to
do any of those things you know
00:38:26.37\00:38:30.17
with her because I value
her that much. And so even when
00:38:30.21\00:38:33.44
we met one of the things
that I did was, we met halfway
00:38:33.48\00:38:36.95
because that was our first time
meeting together so I wanted to
00:38:36.98\00:38:39.61
make sure I was cognizant
of that, I made sure we had a
00:38:39.65\00:38:43.42
suite where I put her in her
own room and I had my own room
00:38:43.45\00:38:46.82
so various things we did
from the outset where we said ok
00:38:46.86\00:38:49.92
we're going to be respectful
of one another and we're going
00:38:49.96\00:38:52.96
to take this thing slowly and
we're going to make sure God is
00:38:52.99\00:38:55.96
in the midst of everything
we're doing because we feel like
00:38:56.00\00:38:59.00
this is something special at the
end of the road for us and we
00:38:59.03\00:39:03.07
want to be able to
have that full blessing.
00:39:03.10\00:39:04.71
That's beautiful. Amen. So how
long did you court before you
00:39:04.74\00:39:07.71
got married? About two
years. About two years, yeah.
00:39:07.74\00:39:11.11
Very nice, look how
happy they are. Ha ha ha
00:39:11.91\00:39:15.48
And both of them have
Masters degrees. Both of them.
00:39:17.49\00:39:22.56
I've been calling
them the Power Couple.
00:39:22.59\00:39:25.13
I love it, that's great.
And the funny thing is, uh
00:39:26.63\00:39:30.43
my girlfriend Tiffany, she lives
in California too knows some
00:39:30.47\00:39:36.00
someone named Vania who met her
husband online, online dating
00:39:36.04\00:39:42.44
ok but it's not this one, it's
not this one. Oh that's funny
00:39:42.48\00:39:45.68
That's funny. What
are the chances, right?
00:39:45.71\00:39:48.68
It worked for you guys,
it worked for the other Vania
00:39:48.72\00:39:52.45
I know you guys know that
when you do things God's way
00:39:53.59\00:39:58.76
He blesses. That's just
the truth. When you honor God
00:39:58.79\00:40:04.30
He honors that and so I'm
really thankful for your example
00:40:04.33\00:40:11.34
and so glad you were
here this season. Thank you.
00:40:11.37\00:40:15.54
Miles, Hello! ha ha ha
00:40:15.58\00:40:18.98
Miles has that quiet kinda,
dry kinda, he's funny very funny
00:40:19.01\00:40:25.55
Tell us a little bit about
why you came to Road to Romance
00:40:25.59\00:40:29.56
Well it all started earlier
in the Spring, my grandmother
00:40:29.59\00:40:34.23
she wanted to come up to
Illinois to see her boyfriend
00:40:34.26\00:40:38.73
actually your
father, my dad ha ha ha ha
00:40:38.77\00:40:42.74
My dad is still on the Road
to Romance. So my grandmother
00:40:48.04\00:40:52.41
and your father have
been courting for some time
00:40:52.45\00:40:56.55
Yes. So I was a good grandson
and decided to drive up here so
00:40:56.58\00:41:00.22
she can see him. During that
time I wanted to give them some
00:41:00.26\00:41:03.83
space to do their thing,
well don't make it sound like
00:41:03.86\00:41:08.80
Give them space, yeah give them
space some privacy so I you know
00:41:11.77\00:41:17.11
Ok come on Jason. Ok
00:41:19.27\00:41:22.01
So they can communicate a lot
right? They're best when they
00:41:23.28\00:41:28.75
see each other face to face. So
I decided to take a tour of 3ABN
00:41:28.78\00:41:33.36
and you two and I heard
about the show and it sounded
00:41:33.39\00:41:38.56
intriguing because personally
I haven't been in a serious
00:41:38.59\00:41:41.20
relationship in my 20s or any
thing like that so as I'm gettin
00:41:41.23\00:41:45.60
older and getting more
closer to Christ and I'm looking
00:41:45.63\00:41:49.50
forward to being in a serious
relationship, in a God-fearing
00:41:49.54\00:41:53.68
relationship finding someone
that I can love and still be
00:41:53.71\00:41:57.98
equally yoked. So when I heard
about this show and everything
00:41:58.01\00:42:01.22
that it was about as a
person who isn't XX I'm up for
00:42:01.25\00:42:07.92
adventures and random things so
I decided, you know what let's
00:42:07.96\00:42:11.59
give this a shot let me at
least come here and meet some
00:42:11.63\00:42:14.46
great people and learn about
love and everything it has to
00:42:14.50\00:42:18.13
offer. So that's what's goin
on with me. Aww that's great!
00:42:18.17\00:42:21.94
What did you
learn about yourself?
00:42:21.97\00:42:24.31
Uh I learned about myself that
there are some things that are
00:42:24.34\00:42:29.84
I knew but it was just
confirmation as far as like
00:42:29.88\00:42:33.55
being adaptable to things, just
generally even with my family
00:42:33.58\00:42:38.09
my friends, like everybody has
differences that they may have
00:42:38.12\00:42:43.93
right, but I'm easily more
willing to meet them halfway
00:42:43.96\00:42:48.26
or like not necessarily be
a follower but kinda adapt to
00:42:48.30\00:42:53.37
a situation, so that was
just a confirmation in itself
00:42:53.40\00:42:56.77
and I learned about a social
personality and your personality
00:42:56.81\00:43:03.58
in a relationship. Like socially
I'm like this little butterfly
00:43:03.61\00:43:07.98
that's kinda goin around makin
people laugh and everything but
00:43:08.02\00:43:10.99
in a relationship I'm more of
I use less words, more reserved
00:43:11.02\00:43:17.89
the fact that I'm just around
that particular person is enough
00:43:17.93\00:43:21.56
for me so those are some of
the things that I knew about
00:43:21.60\00:43:24.27
myself but had opportunity to
put a name and information to it
00:43:24.30\00:43:28.94
So ladies if you're at home
and you're watching this program
00:43:30.14\00:43:33.54
call in to
555-Miles. Ha ha ha ha
00:43:33.58\00:43:38.98
I got you, I got you
Miles. I appreciate it.
00:43:48.46\00:43:51.29
What did you two
learn as a couple?
00:43:52.53\00:43:57.17
Well I learned a lot of things
that can make our marriage
00:43:57.20\00:44:02.37
stronger. Like for example,
conflict resolution, about
00:44:02.40\00:44:06.07
adaptability. You know
like put things in perspective.
00:44:06.11\00:44:09.44
And how to guard our
relationship, you know how to be
00:44:09.48\00:44:13.92
aware that hormones have a mind
of their own you can't really
00:44:13.95\00:44:18.99
control them so you need to
be very intentional about what
00:44:19.02\00:44:22.26
you do. Yeah, I guess I learned
a lot. I just love the XY theory
00:44:22.29\00:44:27.96
I was going to say the same
thing because we had actually
00:44:31.90\00:44:34.87
seen in a workshop with Dr.
Jacob and it just blew my mind,
00:44:34.90\00:44:41.84
WOW relate to other people and
engage with them a couple times
00:44:41.88\00:44:48.78
since and then coming here
I thought I had learned just
00:44:48.82\00:44:52.42
about everything I could learn
and it took me to another level
00:44:52.45\00:44:55.09
You know learning how to grow
as individuals and then also
00:44:56.73\00:45:01.63
the things that we say. Even
though we don't know the damage
00:45:01.66\00:45:06.37
that it does, it can really
be damaging and we need to be
00:45:06.40\00:45:09.74
very cognizant of being
complementary to each other.
00:45:09.77\00:45:13.17
To each other, especially when
one has a shortcoming in an area
00:45:13.21\00:45:16.21
to try to support them and help
them grow and develop and to
00:45:16.24\00:45:20.18
just uplift each other and
so those are some of the things
00:45:20.22\00:45:22.35
that I've gotten. Yes, and it's
amazing how you connect science
00:45:22.38\00:45:26.69
you know with the whole
relationship thing so I think
00:45:26.72\00:45:29.99
that's very interesting. Connect
what? Science. Oh science.
00:45:30.03\00:45:37.00
I think Y types would enjoy the
show too! Not only the X types
00:45:37.03\00:45:44.01
For me the program is so
interesting because you talk to
00:45:44.04\00:45:49.21
singles, you talk to married
couples you know and you're
00:45:49.24\00:45:53.55
able to show them if
they're single what to look for,
00:45:53.58\00:45:58.19
if they're married how to
resolve and so many people need
00:45:58.22\00:46:02.69
to hear that and that's what
we're about on Dare to Dream
00:46:02.72\00:46:05.49
really building up the
family and really showing how
00:46:05.53\00:46:09.33
relationships can, with God
at the center, relationship can
00:46:09.36\00:46:14.17
work and the Lord wants us to
be informed. He wants us to have
00:46:14.20\00:46:19.14
information. Without that,
without vision people perish.
00:46:19.17\00:46:25.48
So you need to be able to see
what's going on, you need to be
00:46:25.51\00:46:30.22
able to apply these
things in your relationship.
00:46:30.25\00:46:33.22
Or in the relationship you wanna
have, making yourself a better
00:46:33.25\00:46:37.29
person. Yeah. So Dr. Jacob, when
you were putting this together
00:46:37.33\00:46:42.26
did you have "AHA moments" as
you were working? All the time.
00:46:42.30\00:46:46.87
Tell us about that as you were
putting together the XY theory
00:46:47.70\00:46:51.07
the hormones, all that
stuff. yeah. I stumbled on this.
00:46:51.11\00:46:56.85
Because of my parents. I
was raised in a Christian home
00:46:56.88\00:47:01.18
we were raised Catholic and
we were converted to Adventism
00:47:01.22\00:47:05.62
and so at that time my parents
were having a lot of conflict
00:47:05.65\00:47:10.33
in marriage even prior to us
becoming Adventist Christians.
00:47:10.36\00:47:14.76
And so we were very excited
because we thought we found
00:47:14.80\00:47:19.03
the truth everything is going
to be ok. And it was for about
00:47:19.07\00:47:23.97
3 years. And so I left home,
at that time Trinidad and I came
00:47:24.01\00:47:28.94
to Loma Linda and I got into
Theology Program. I got my first
00:47:28.98\00:47:33.48
degree in Theology and I was
very excited. By the time I was
00:47:33.52\00:47:38.39
finished with the program I
got a phone call from my mom who
00:47:38.42\00:47:41.46
said, you know, our honeymoon
is over. The honeymoon is over.
00:47:41.49\00:47:45.33
She said I don't know
what happened but we're arguing
00:47:45.36\00:47:49.26
again, we're fighting again.
And I said, how could this be?
00:47:49.30\00:47:52.67
I mean you guys they did love
each other I mean they never
00:47:52.70\00:47:57.64
got divorced. They stayed
together for almost 50 years.
00:47:57.67\00:48:00.38
Loved each other and they loved
God. At that time my father
00:48:00.41\00:48:04.85
was the first elder in the
church, my mom was the head
00:48:04.88\00:48:06.82
superintendent. They were
doing everything that they could
00:48:06.85\00:48:09.95
possibly do and so I felt
something is missing, a piece
00:48:09.98\00:48:14.22
to this puzzle that is missing.
And so my graduate degrees then
00:48:14.26\00:48:19.06
were in psychology. Did a
Master's degree in Psychology
00:48:19.09\00:48:22.66
Counseling and then I
did a PhD in psychology.
00:48:22.70\00:48:24.93
Because I wanted to find out
what is it that they're not doin
00:48:24.97\00:48:28.90
What's going on? So I started
to observe a lot. As I'm doing
00:48:28.94\00:48:33.58
my doctorate I'm looking at
them, observing them trying to
00:48:33.61\00:48:36.88
figure it out and then it
occurred to me that they had
00:48:36.91\00:48:39.81
completely opposite
personalities. Because I would
00:48:39.85\00:48:44.32
listen to the arguments. And the
arguments weren't about anything
00:48:44.35\00:48:46.62
spiritual. The arguments
were about needs. She kept
00:48:46.65\00:48:52.43
complaining She told him one
time, you know what I might as
00:48:52.46\00:48:56.56
well be living in a museum,
because it's so quiet. You don't
00:48:56.60\00:49:01.97
talk. You have nothing to say
and I might as well be a piece
00:49:02.00\00:49:04.64
in a museum. And then he
responded and said, what is
00:49:04.67\00:49:09.34
there to talk about? I
know everything there is to know
00:49:09.38\00:49:11.41
about you. Oh,
Awww. I know, right?
00:49:11.45\00:49:14.02
Sounds a little mean but now
that I understand the XY theory
00:49:14.05\00:49:17.52
I get what he's trying to
say. As a Y type he's saying
00:49:17.55\00:49:20.06
everything is functional.
Communication should serve a
00:49:20.09\00:49:22.86
function. So if I know what I
need to know, there's no need to
00:49:22.89\00:49:25.36
just ask you again so you
could tell me one more time.
00:49:25.39\00:49:27.80
And that's what he meant and
that was my first Eureka moment
00:49:28.86\00:49:31.37
I was like Ohhh. So everybody
thinks that communication
00:49:31.40\00:49:36.94
how you communicate, your style
and intimacy, whether you need
00:49:36.97\00:49:42.64
romance, or whether you need
roses or whatever and it seems
00:49:42.68\00:49:46.61
to me what she's complaining
about is quantity. How much.
00:49:46.65\00:49:51.15
She wasn't getting how much
she needed and so I thought OK
00:49:51.19\00:49:55.76
so this is different. So I
had to come up with a way to
00:49:55.79\00:49:59.09
operationalize it and
so I called it XY theory.
00:49:59.13\00:50:02.86
It started off with just
communication cause that's all
00:50:02.90\00:50:05.90
they complained
about, communication.
00:50:05.93\00:50:07.37
My mom's intimacy score
was not like through the roof.
00:50:07.40\00:50:10.11
You know she could
do with a little less.
00:50:10.14\00:50:11.61
So I didn't notice it. But once
I started applying it to other
00:50:11.64\00:50:14.88
people and trying to see how
it worked out in the community
00:50:14.91\00:50:17.55
A lot of people were complaining
that they felt the same way with
00:50:17.58\00:50:20.55
intimacy. So that was my second
moment. And so I put it together
00:50:20.58\00:50:24.72
and it became XY theory.
And then of course being the
00:50:24.75\00:50:29.52
scientifically minded person
that I am, I wanted to find out
00:50:29.56\00:50:32.59
why? why do some people have
little need and some people have
00:50:32.63\00:50:37.43
a lot of need? What that turned
out to be was the hormones
00:50:37.47\00:50:41.50
The hormones were the driving
force. Wow. You know one of the
00:50:41.54\00:50:46.14
things that was so fascinating
to me is that intra-uterally
00:50:46.17\00:50:50.58
your personality is
determined within the womb.
00:50:50.61\00:50:55.38
That is mind boggling to me.
So if that fetus is surrounded
00:50:55.42\00:51:02.22
by a lot of testosterone,
tell us what the effect is.
00:51:02.26\00:51:05.46
Right. That was not my discovery
but I was glad that it wasn't.
00:51:05.49\00:51:10.00
Something needs to be discovered
by something else, for it to
00:51:11.63\00:51:14.37
you know have some kind of
value And so this was Cambridge
00:51:14.40\00:51:17.41
This is a professor in Cambridge
that was looking for a way to
00:51:17.44\00:51:20.68
predict autism. And he thought
that if he could show that there
00:51:20.71\00:51:25.11
was something prenatally
surrounding the fetus that was
00:51:25.15\00:51:29.35
actually causing it he would
be able to identify and predict
00:51:29.38\00:51:32.39
which kids would be born with
autism and which would be ok.
00:51:32.42\00:51:37.89
And so that's what he was
doing. He got his 500 babies and
00:51:37.93\00:51:41.93
he tested them, got permission
from the moms to go, you know
00:51:41.96\00:51:46.63
amniocentesis and he found
that ones that had a lot of
00:51:46.67\00:51:50.87
testosterone surrounding them
turned out to be the babies that
00:51:50.91\00:51:54.21
well he had names for them,
he didn't call them XY cause we
00:51:54.24\00:51:56.24
had never met you know. So
he called them systemizers and
00:51:56.28\00:52:00.28
empathizers. So the ones who
would talk a lot and need a lot
00:52:00.32\00:52:03.62
of intimacy he called them
empathizers and he found that
00:52:03.65\00:52:07.66
they had less testosterone
surrounding them prenatally
00:52:07.69\00:52:11.09
So when I share that with some
people they ask was it my fault?
00:52:12.79\00:52:17.20
Was it my fault? Did I eat
something wrong? No, not at all
00:52:17.23\00:52:21.77
Because guess what? The fetus
is the one that's secreting
00:52:21.80\00:52:25.21
the testosterone around
itself. Hmmm, wow, yeah.
00:52:25.24\00:52:29.94
So the fetus has the
testosterone or the estrogen
00:52:29.98\00:52:35.42
surrounding that around itself
so it has nothing to do with
00:52:35.45\00:52:38.75
what the mother ate or what
she didn't eat. They still don't
00:52:38.79\00:52:42.29
know why a fetus will surround
itself with a lot or little
00:52:42.32\00:52:46.46
but the fact is it sets the
personality, sets the need for
00:52:46.49\00:52:50.97
intimacy and communication.
Once again he was not trying
00:52:51.00\00:52:53.60
to prove my theory. Right.
He was just trying to look for
00:52:53.64\00:52:57.07
his cure for autism but he
just happened to choose the same
00:52:57.11\00:53:00.28
variables that I found for
causing havoc in relationships
00:53:00.31\00:53:04.91
So once I saw that I put
those two pieces together
00:53:04.95\00:53:07.55
and realized that the
relationship was being formed
00:53:07.58\00:53:10.65
right then. Now what about if
a mother is stressed and stuff
00:53:10.69\00:53:15.02
all the time. How does that
impact the baby in the womb?
00:53:15.06\00:53:17.89
In a different way. Not with
communication and intimacy but
00:53:17.93\00:53:21.30
it causes the child to grow
up to be a more anxious child
00:53:21.33\00:53:24.30
Well a lot of women don't know
that so they actually predispose
00:53:25.40\00:53:32.64
the child to perhaps one day
need to go and see a therapist.
00:53:32.67\00:53:36.95
Or need medication just
to control that anxiety.
00:53:36.98\00:53:40.42
So that's prenatal
exposure. Wow, I'm glad you
00:53:41.12\00:53:44.42
I don't know, I'm
trying to remember, how was it?
00:53:46.59\00:53:49.69
I wasn't really anxious
or anything, Praise the Lord.
00:53:49.72\00:53:52.66
You kicked me out after 9 months
00:53:52.69\00:53:55.60
So the hormones then determine
the personality of the child
00:54:01.00\00:54:07.24
even within the womb and
once the child is born and the
00:54:07.28\00:54:12.38
all the familial interaction
going on how does that then
00:54:12.41\00:54:20.42
how do hormones interact with
that? How do hormones impact
00:54:20.46\00:54:26.36
after birth? after birth. Ok
after birth you have a lot of
00:54:26.39\00:54:30.83
brain growth, you know and you
have a lot of physical growth
00:54:30.87\00:54:35.60
the next time the hormones
play a role with regard to the
00:54:35.64\00:54:39.27
relationship is in puberty.
Anytime you have a lot of
00:54:39.31\00:54:43.48
hormones there is
always a rewiring of the brain
00:54:43.51\00:54:47.25
reconfiguration of the brain.
So puberty is the next time you
00:54:47.28\00:54:50.52
students, well kids,
children find out that they have
00:54:50.55\00:54:57.29
specific needs. It is
actually the best time.
00:54:57.33\00:54:59.13
Now you as a parent,
you probably would've known
00:54:59.16\00:55:01.03
that Jason would be a talker.
You probably knew that all along
00:55:01.06\00:55:05.30
I doubt that he just came
into his own and started talking
00:55:05.33\00:55:08.60
at whatever age he is now. I
mean tell me if I'm wrong, but
00:55:08.64\00:55:11.97
basically the same scientist
in Cambridge, he kept following
00:55:12.01\00:55:15.24
the kids at 2 years, 4 years
8 years and 12 and he realized
00:55:15.28\00:55:19.51
that they were always talkers
but they had certain needs
00:55:19.55\00:55:23.08
but in puberty your brain
is reconfigured and also again
00:55:23.12\00:55:26.86
when you start to date it
rewires the brain once again
00:55:26.89\00:55:30.46
because of the rush of hormones
that's coursing through.
00:55:30.49\00:55:33.23
It's amazing to me how God
has wired us, how He has put us
00:55:33.26\00:55:39.47
together. I mean to
me it's just incredible.
00:55:39.50\00:55:44.14
Within the womb and outside.
And that's why when people try
00:55:44.17\00:55:48.94
and say that and talk
about evolution and all that,
00:55:48.98\00:55:52.21
it's like do you not see how
intricate we've been designed
00:55:52.25\00:55:56.38
and everything. I can't believe
our time is, I know where did
00:55:56.42\00:56:00.79
the time go? This has been
so good. If you want to see more
00:56:00.82\00:56:04.89
you have to tune in to
Road to Romance this season
00:56:04.93\00:56:08.26
Thank you so much. Thank
you for having us. God bless
00:56:08.30\00:56:12.70
Make sure that you tune
in because these programs
00:56:12.73\00:56:15.94
are going to be so enlightening
you're going to learn more
00:56:15.97\00:56:19.37
about our guests here,
you're going to learn more about
00:56:19.41\00:56:22.58
the hormones, the connection
you're going to hear about the
00:56:22.61\00:56:25.98
5 Cs, the 5 Ps. We
won't tell you what that is.
00:56:26.01\00:56:29.02
You're gonna hear about all of
these things. And you're gonna
00:56:29.05\00:56:32.49
learn how to flow
in your relationship.
00:56:32.52\00:56:36.79
So make sure you tune in
you don't want to miss it.
00:56:36.83\00:56:41.20