Are you single and looking
for that special someone?
00:00:01.06\00:00:03.67
Are you married and wondering
how can I make this better?
00:00:03.70\00:00:07.44
Well, stay tuned to
meet someone who can tell you
00:00:07.47\00:00:10.51
just why things may be
going awry in your relationship.
00:00:10.54\00:00:14.11
My name is Yvonne Lewis,
and you're watching Urban Report
00:00:14.14\00:00:17.78
Hello and
welcome to Urban Report
00:00:38.30\00:00:41.27
My guest today
is Dr. John K. Jacob
00:00:41.30\00:00:44.21
author of the XY Theory and
President of XYMatchquest. com
00:00:44.24\00:00:50.08
Welcome to Urban
Report Dr. Jacob...
00:00:50.11\00:00:53.21
Thank you Dr. Lewis, thank you.
Yeah... I'm glad you're here.
00:00:53.25\00:00:55.25
You know, so many
people are wanting to be
00:00:55.28\00:00:59.62
either in a relationship
or they're already in a
00:00:59.65\00:01:02.42
relationship and it's
just really... shaky...
00:01:02.46\00:01:05.19
What... What are
some of the reasons why
00:01:05.23\00:01:11.27
you've written this
book about relationships?
00:01:11.30\00:01:15.24
Well, about 90
percent of relationships...
00:01:15.27\00:01:19.14
dating relationships never
go all the way... to marriage,
00:01:19.17\00:01:23.98
Hmmmm......
about over 90 percent
00:01:24.01\00:01:25.15
and when we the tested
couples, we even found for them
00:01:25.18\00:01:29.42
85 percent of them were in
what I call an XY Relationship
00:01:29.45\00:01:32.95
where they are mismatched...
00:01:32.99\00:01:34.72
Oh, so, is that why
00:01:34.76\00:01:37.09
they don't go
further... because they find out
00:01:37.13\00:01:39.03
that they're mismatched?
Yeah, 90 percent of the singles
00:01:39.06\00:01:41.80
don't go further, they don't
know why they are mismatched,
00:01:41.83\00:01:44.57
Right...... they just know that
00:01:44.60\00:01:45.83
something isn't right...
so, they have the option
00:01:45.87\00:01:48.37
to break it off...
because they're not married yet
00:01:48.40\00:01:51.17
and find someone else...
but over 90 percent of them
00:01:51.21\00:01:54.51
do that and the real
reason is personality difference
00:01:54.54\00:01:57.78
that they are
completely unaware of...
00:01:57.81\00:01:59.38
Huh... so let's talk about that,
so, in your book you talk about
00:01:59.41\00:02:03.42
X and Y personalities...
describe that...
00:02:03.45\00:02:07.19
OK, it's a personality type
and there are other personality
00:02:07.22\00:02:11.03
types out there... but
I wanted to take it a step
00:02:11.06\00:02:14.00
further and find what I
call "a personality code"
00:02:14.00\00:02:16.80
personality types
actually will tell you
00:02:16.83\00:02:18.97
how someone is going to behave,
but I realize that we've known
00:02:19.00\00:02:24.24
that for a long
time and our divorce rate
00:02:24.27\00:02:25.74
is still at 50 percent...
so I did some more research...
00:02:25.77\00:02:28.81
about five years worth of
it... I actually found that
00:02:28.84\00:02:31.88
when you look at
something a little deeper...
00:02:31.91\00:02:33.95
a personality code
which is... not just how
00:02:33.98\00:02:36.89
someone would behave but
what someone's actual needs
00:02:36.92\00:02:39.92
are in the relationship,
this is something that's not
00:02:39.95\00:02:42.99
known generally... no
one really tells someone else
00:02:43.02\00:02:46.06
"OK, this is what
I need specifically"
00:02:46.09\00:02:47.76
most of us don't know...
00:02:47.83\00:02:50.07
so I had to create a test
00:02:50.10\00:02:52.27
that could tell you
what your specific needs are
00:02:52.30\00:02:54.94
in the relationship,
so you have an idea
00:02:54.97\00:02:56.97
of what kind of person
you need to be looking for.
00:02:57.01\00:02:59.11
Oh, that's
great... so how did you...
00:02:59.14\00:03:01.91
let's go back and talk
about how you got to this point
00:03:01.94\00:03:06.18
how did you decide
that you wanted to write
00:03:06.21\00:03:08.52
about a relationship?
Okay... quite accidently
00:03:08.55\00:03:11.02
there were a few things...
one... I was bothered by the
00:03:11.05\00:03:14.79
fact that the
ratio of single men...
00:03:14.82\00:03:16.93
especially in
Church Organizations...
00:03:16.96\00:03:18.99
the ratio of single
women to men is 6 to 1...
00:03:19.03\00:03:22.36
Hmmmm... So
immediately I thought
00:03:22.40\00:03:24.43
"Okay... our sisters
need to date smarter... "
00:03:24.47\00:03:28.00
We need some
help... give us some help...
00:03:28.04\00:03:30.47
...that we cannot do things
the way we've been doing it
00:03:30.51\00:03:32.17
because that ratio is
horrific, Right... right...
00:03:32.21\00:03:34.44
...so that was the first thing,
the second thing is, of course,
00:03:34.48\00:03:38.95
the divorce rate is skyrocketing
in Christian circles...
00:03:38.98\00:03:43.28
now it's at 49 percent...
the last time I looked at it
00:03:43.32\00:03:46.59
which is just on par
with what's going on outside,
00:03:46.62\00:03:49.39
That's almost half.....
yes, and it's as bad as it is
00:03:49.42\00:03:52.16
for
non-Christians... Yes... yes...
00:03:52.19\00:03:54.30
so, that was
alarming... and, you know,
00:03:54.36\00:03:56.40
I tend to be very
curious... I was curious to know
00:03:56.43\00:03:58.63
what might be causing
that... but also, and I did get
00:03:58.67\00:04:03.41
permission to talk about this,
but I observed my parents...
00:04:03.44\00:04:08.51
Okay... let's talk about
that... Yeah, I grew up in a
00:04:08.54\00:04:12.68
Seventh-day Adventist
home, I grew up Catholic
00:04:12.71\00:04:14.75
but we converted pretty early,
and so I was able to have that,
00:04:14.78\00:04:17.75
you know, Seventh-day
Adventist background...
00:04:17.79\00:04:20.22
and I observed three
things in my parents...
00:04:20.26\00:04:22.59
number one... I observed
that they truly loved the Lord
00:04:22.62\00:04:25.03
and I observed that
they really loved the Church
00:04:25.06\00:04:28.30
they became officers,
they did whatever they could
00:04:28.33\00:04:31.73
to help out... and I
noticed that Church members
00:04:31.77\00:04:35.14
began to put them
on a pedestal, Hmmmm...
00:04:35.17\00:04:38.61
the perfect marriage... "Look
at Brother and Sister Jacob
00:04:38.64\00:04:42.51
it's so wonderful and
you young people need to have
00:04:42.54\00:04:46.82
a relationship like this... "
but they didn't go home with us.
00:04:46.85\00:04:51.59
Hmmmm... My
parents stayed together
00:04:51.62\00:04:55.09
for 51 years because
of their commitment to God
00:04:55.12\00:04:57.26
and their commitment to
marriage... and to each other
00:04:57.29\00:05:00.90
but they weren't happy...
and so from a very young age
00:05:00.93\00:05:04.47
it occurred to me that there
has to be more than spirituality
00:05:04.50\00:05:07.60
that's causing the
poison that we have
00:05:07.64\00:05:11.64
in relationships
right now and leading us
00:05:11.67\00:05:13.98
all the way to divorce courts...
00:05:14.01\00:05:15.68
there had to be something more,
so, the moment I hit college,
00:05:15.71\00:05:19.38
I started out with a
degree in Theology...
00:05:19.41\00:05:22.42
because I wanted to
understand that aspect first...
00:05:22.45\00:05:25.29
and then went right into...
a Ph. D. in Psychology...
00:05:25.32\00:05:28.09
and started doing research,
and the more research I did
00:05:28.12\00:05:30.86
the more I discovered
that personality differences
00:05:30.89\00:05:33.60
were wrecking havoc
in our relationships
00:05:33.63\00:05:36.50
way more than spirituality...
This is so interesting Dr. Jacob
00:05:36.53\00:05:41.64
because, you know, we have, and
this is not just in your home
00:05:41.67\00:05:46.74
but in many homes...
we have a face for Church
00:05:46.78\00:05:50.28
and we have a face at home...
Absolutely... absolutely...
00:05:50.31\00:05:54.02
and what you're telling me
is that what you saw at home
00:05:54.05\00:05:57.45
was a different face from
what you saw... at Church...
00:05:57.49\00:06:00.76
and it wasn't that your
parents didn't love God...
00:06:00.79\00:06:03.09
they obviously did... it
wasn't that they didn't love
00:06:03.12\00:06:05.33
each other... they did... but...
but they had these underlying
00:06:05.36\00:06:09.66
issues... so you did...
what many people might not do
00:06:09.70\00:06:13.44
you went and got a Ph. D.
and found out how to address it.
00:06:13.47\00:06:17.01
Exactly... exactly...
Which is tremendous...
00:06:17.04\00:06:18.44
So, what did you
find in your research?
00:06:18.47\00:06:22.38
What did you find?
Okay... you mentioned persona
00:06:22.41\00:06:25.25
and that's perfect...
that's exactly what I found
00:06:25.28\00:06:28.08
I found out, and in
addition, of course,
00:06:28.12\00:06:30.82
other Sociologists and
Psychologists have been doing
00:06:30.85\00:06:33.99
research and there's a lot
of research within the last
00:06:34.02\00:06:37.09
10-15 years... and so what
I found, out of my research,
00:06:37.13\00:06:40.90
is that we actually
have two personalities...
00:06:40.93\00:06:43.87
Hmmmm... so we have
a Social Personality
00:06:43.90\00:06:46.70
and we have a
Relationship Personality...
00:06:46.74\00:06:49.54
Okay... explain that...
00:06:49.57\00:06:50.87
Okay, the Social Personality is
the one that you use in Church,
00:06:50.91\00:06:53.84
Ahh... That's the Church Face...
00:06:53.88\00:06:55.81
The Church face...
okay... all right...
00:06:55.84\00:06:57.68
it has one
responsibility... and that is...
00:06:57.71\00:06:59.55
to make you
look good... Hmmmm...
00:06:59.58\00:07:01.42
that person will be
your make-up artist...
00:07:01.45\00:07:03.69
Okay... That
person will make sure
00:07:03.72\00:07:05.12
that people like you...
that you present yourself
00:07:05.15\00:07:06.99
in a way that people
think the best of you,
00:07:07.02\00:07:09.39
it also operates on the
job, which is why, very often,
00:07:09.42\00:07:15.36
people again... don't
know who you really are...
00:07:15.40\00:07:17.57
when they see you
only operating when other
00:07:17.60\00:07:21.10
important people
are observing you...
00:07:21.14\00:07:23.51
Yes... Unfortunately,
00:07:23.54\00:07:25.17
the "Social Persona" is
also responsible for dating,
00:07:25.21\00:07:28.08
Hmmm... your best
foot forward, so to speak,
00:07:28.11\00:07:31.68
...totally... and
now we know for a fact
00:07:31.71\00:07:33.68
that it has a
whole cache of hormones
00:07:33.72\00:07:36.69
that that it can
use to trip us up...
00:07:36.72\00:07:39.62
in that
process... there are hormones
00:07:39.65\00:07:41.39
that come into
play only when you think
00:07:41.42\00:07:43.39
about dating someone
that actually causes you
00:07:43.43\00:07:46.26
to be blinded to their
faults. Come on now, Doc...
00:07:46.29\00:07:49.73
Absolutely... Come on now...
00:07:49.76\00:07:51.27
so you're telling us that
there are actually physiological
00:07:51.30\00:07:55.70
mechanisms in place
that can help us not to see
00:07:55.74\00:08:00.78
who we're dealing
with... Absolutely...
00:08:00.81\00:08:02.88
Wow... how deep is
that! It's a little scary...
00:08:02.91\00:08:07.35
Yes! yeah...
Also, the whole gamut...
00:08:07.38\00:08:11.19
the feeling of the
butterflies in the stomach...
00:08:11.22\00:08:13.39
all of that is
chemical... Yes...
00:08:13.42\00:08:15.29
the feeling of falling in love,
you're getting on the phone
00:08:15.32\00:08:18.59
and you're talking
until four in the morning...
00:08:18.63\00:08:20.30
and don't even know
where the time went...
00:08:20.33\00:08:22.06
Yeah... So,
normally you'd have been
00:08:22.10\00:08:23.43
hungry... but the
hormones suppressed that...
00:08:23.47\00:08:26.00
even the appetite... to
prepare you to fall in love.
00:08:26.03\00:08:29.27
So, that's why
sometimes people lose weight...
00:08:29.30\00:08:32.21
Yes...... when they are just
00:08:32.24\00:08:33.78
falling in love... Absolutely...
00:08:33.81\00:08:35.28
they can tend to lose weight...
because, they're not as hungry,
00:08:35.31\00:08:38.38
isn't that amazing
the way the body is made?
00:08:38.41\00:08:43.02
It absolutely is... So
what do you do, so tell us,
00:08:43.05\00:08:45.39
But here's the problem...
so the Social Personality,
00:08:45.42\00:08:49.32
however... and you also have
the euphoria and the excitement
00:08:49.36\00:08:53.03
Right...... but
that actually comes from
00:08:53.06\00:08:54.40
finding someone that is
somewhat different from you...
00:08:54.46\00:08:57.30
Hmmm... hmmmm...
which is why we hear
00:08:57.33\00:08:58.50
"opposites attract" Yes...
00:08:58.53\00:08:59.90
opposites still
attract... even in XY Theory...
00:08:59.93\00:09:02.27
opposites
attract... the problem is...
00:09:02.30\00:09:04.34
the hormones that
cause an attraction...
00:09:04.37\00:09:06.24
are withdrawn... when you get
00:09:06.27\00:09:08.38
deep into the relationship,
00:09:08.41\00:09:10.41
deep into the commitment,
maybe even to the marriage,
00:09:10.45\00:09:13.55
those hormones are
withdrawn along with the
00:09:13.58\00:09:16.28
social personality...
whose job is finished...
00:09:16.32\00:09:18.52
You know what! this is really...
00:09:18.55\00:09:22.02
this is so interesting
because I'm thinking about
00:09:22.06\00:09:23.96
my own personal
life and my past...
00:09:23.99\00:09:26.06
and this is so interesting
because that's very true
00:09:26.09\00:09:29.50
the deeper you get into,
like you can get into a marriage
00:09:29.53\00:09:33.74
and then go,
"Whoa... what did I do?"
00:09:33.77\00:09:36.44
what did I do... and
why is so clear to me now?
00:09:36.47\00:09:38.47
no offense to any of my exes...
but yeah, but that is amazing..
00:09:38.51\00:09:43.11
...and like any other
hormone in the body...
00:09:43.14\00:09:45.88
the body gets used to the
chemicals that you put in it...
00:09:45.91\00:09:47.98
Right... right... and
so... somewhere between
00:09:48.02\00:09:51.52
three months and two
years... most of us will get
00:09:51.55\00:09:55.09
our bodies will get
tolerant of the hormones
00:09:55.12\00:09:58.26
and so, once those happy
hormones are withdrawn...
00:09:58.29\00:10:01.93
you see the person very clearly
for who they really are...
00:10:01.96\00:10:05.13
by then the social
personality is gone...
00:10:05.17\00:10:07.30
and the relationship personality
emerges which is the person
00:10:07.34\00:10:10.54
you are stuck
with, if you're married,
00:10:10.57\00:10:12.14
for the rest of your
life... Dr. Jacob, that's deep
00:10:12.17\00:10:15.24
so, now let me ask you
something can you then...
00:10:15.28\00:10:18.28
does this make a case...
then... for longer dating time
00:10:18.31\00:10:23.18
so that... you
kind of get to find out
00:10:23.22\00:10:25.99
who the person really is?
00:10:26.02\00:10:27.26
who their relational face is?
Longer... but not too long...
00:10:27.29\00:10:34.10
Okay... explain... Now,
we have two personalities
00:10:34.13\00:10:37.70
you have an X type
and Y type personality,
00:10:37.73\00:10:39.63
coming from the research...
and they date differently...
00:10:39.67\00:10:44.01
this is the reason why,
I'm saying, "Not too long"
00:10:44.04\00:10:46.44
we know for a fact that X
type personalities tend to waste
00:10:46.47\00:10:51.81
a lot of years... a lot
of time on relationships
00:10:51.85\00:10:55.28
that are going
nowhere... hmmmm...
00:10:55.32\00:10:57.65
Y types do not... X
types date with their hearts,
00:10:57.69\00:11:04.03
Y types date with their heads.
Okay, so wait, let's go back now
00:11:04.06\00:11:09.20
okay, so, one side
is more right-brained
00:11:09.23\00:11:12.70
and the other is
more left-brained
00:11:12.73\00:11:14.04
are you saying
that? Pretty much...
00:11:14.07\00:11:15.34
and who is more right-brained?
Right-brained would probably be
00:11:15.37\00:11:20.08
what are you
thinking... the X or the Y?
00:11:20.11\00:11:22.61
Well, I'm not sure...
I'm trying to get it clear
00:11:22.64\00:11:25.35
in my head... one
thinks with the head,
00:11:25.38\00:11:27.52
the other thinks with the heart,
which one thinks with the heart?
00:11:27.55\00:11:30.05
The X thinks with the heart,
Okay... so the X would maybe
00:11:30.09\00:11:33.89
tend to be more
right-brained than the Y...
00:11:33.92\00:11:35.89
OK... So, the X now,
00:11:35.92\00:11:38.63
does a lot of things...
which is one of the reasons
00:11:38.66\00:11:41.20
why I wrote the book
as we said, we have a
00:11:41.23\00:11:43.57
"singles" problem...
00:11:43.60\00:11:44.97
Yes...... in and
outside of the Church
00:11:45.00\00:11:47.27
I mean, if you go to New
York, the ratio is 2 to 1...
00:11:47.30\00:11:49.20
so the possibility in New
York, and big cities, 2 to 1...
00:11:49.24\00:11:52.14
so, this is not the place
to find someone... I mean...
00:11:52.17\00:11:55.04
and other
demographics factor in...
00:11:55.08\00:11:56.95
Yes... But X
types tend to do several
00:11:56.98\00:12:00.68
things that do not help them
actually find that person and if
00:12:00.72\00:12:04.75
you have a ratio of 6 to 1
the odds are not in your favor
00:12:04.79\00:12:08.76
then you have to date "smarter"
Right... which we should, anyway
00:12:08.79\00:12:12.19
Right? So X types for starters
00:12:12.23\00:12:14.66
they... we all have a blueprint,
00:12:14.73\00:12:16.97
and I'll talk about that
blueprint in a little bit...
00:12:17.00\00:12:21.04
but we all have a blueprint
00:12:21.07\00:12:22.24
coming to us from childhood,
given to us by our parents,
00:12:22.27\00:12:24.64
given to us by
society, by culture,
00:12:24.67\00:12:26.94
and it sort of
feeds to our standards...
00:12:26.98\00:12:32.28
it tells us what our standards
should be in a partner,
00:12:32.31\00:12:34.55
Hmmmm...... what Xs tend to...
00:12:34.58\00:12:36.89
when they meet someone they
like... relax those standards
00:12:36.92\00:12:40.66
Hmmmm... hmmm...
throw out the blueprint
00:12:40.69\00:12:42.92
and say to themselves,
I'll change whatever I find,
00:12:43.16\00:12:47.00
Hmmmm... which
is a big problem...
00:12:47.03\00:12:51.07
instead of dealing
with the person as they are,
00:12:51.10\00:12:53.37
I'm going to
change... him or her
00:12:53.40\00:12:55.30
Right... or finding someone
that might use your blueprint
00:12:55.34\00:12:58.31
instead of discarding
it... so, Xs do that again
00:12:58.34\00:13:01.54
because they're
going with their heart...
00:13:01.58\00:13:03.11
and if this person
feels right to them
00:13:03.14\00:13:05.18
Right... forget
about this list...
00:13:05.21\00:13:07.15
who needs this list,
"Yes, I wanted the guy to be
00:13:07.18\00:13:10.59
at least 5 ft 10 inches,
but he's 4 ft 9 inches tall
00:13:10.62\00:13:14.02
then... he's really
sweet, he's really sweet,
00:13:14.06\00:13:15.76
so, I'm looking to hold on
to him and see how things go...
00:13:15.79\00:13:18.23
Right, right, right,
right... That is not something
00:13:18.26\00:13:22.00
that a Y type does... Okay...
00:13:22.03\00:13:23.50
now, the Y type might
date a 4 ft 9 inch girl
00:13:23.53\00:13:27.34
but always at the
back of his mind is...
00:13:27.37\00:13:29.54
"This is not the
person I'm taking home to mom"
00:13:29.57\00:13:31.87
Hmmm... hmmmm...
because he's always thinking
00:13:31.91\00:13:35.21
with the head not the
heart. Hmmm... hmmm...
00:13:35.24\00:13:38.48
And so, many times, you
get the X type with the Y type
00:13:38.51\00:13:43.05
the X is wasting
time, the Y is just maybe
00:13:43.08\00:13:47.26
marking time... and
you got... an issue...
00:13:47.29\00:13:51.43
Yeah... Marking
time until someone
00:13:51.46\00:13:53.23
comes along... and by the way,
00:13:53.26\00:13:54.93
Y types are notorious
for not giving closure
00:13:54.96\00:13:57.47
to their partners... Hmmmm...
00:13:57.50\00:13:59.03
the moment that
other person shows up,
00:13:59.07\00:14:01.17
you have no
idea, you have no clue,
00:14:01.20\00:14:03.34
the behavior
changes, some of them...
00:14:03.37\00:14:05.44
completely disappear...
you've heard the stories
00:14:05.47\00:14:07.91
of guys who disappeared
and... without a trace...
00:14:07.94\00:14:09.68
Yes... yes... yes...
yes... without a trace...
00:14:09.71\00:14:11.91
this is Y-like
behavior... they tend to leave
00:14:11.95\00:14:14.15
their partners
without closure...
00:14:14.18\00:14:15.28
so, when I created the
test, I actually had to create
00:14:15.32\00:14:18.59
more than one test,
because there were so many
00:14:18.62\00:14:20.12
women coming to me
and asking me about
00:14:20.16\00:14:21.56
past relationships... Hmmm...
00:14:21.59\00:14:23.19
that I created a test that
they could do... for that Ex
00:14:23.22\00:14:27.13
it's in the
book... for that Ex...
00:14:27.13\00:14:29.30
and it would tell
them whether he was a Y...
00:14:29.33\00:14:31.63
so they could have the
closure they never had...
00:14:31.67\00:14:35.24
Oh... that's... you
know... that's such a deep thing
00:14:35.27\00:14:38.84
because...
closure is so important...
00:14:38.87\00:14:41.31
because it's hard to move
on... really... emotionally...
00:14:41.34\00:14:45.28
if you don't have closure...
from a previous relationship
00:14:45.31\00:14:49.42
so this test... actually
helps the person to move on...
00:14:49.45\00:14:53.52
that's such... that's
a very significant thing
00:14:53.56\00:14:55.99
Because we all want to
know... where did I go wrong...
00:14:56.02\00:14:57.99
Right...... was it me...
00:14:58.03\00:14:59.16
Right... yes...... was
it something about me...
00:14:59.19\00:15:01.03
well, now we're finding out...
and even... some of the Science
00:15:01.06\00:15:04.63
that's coming out in
the last five years...
00:15:04.67\00:15:06.70
it's telling us
that the blueprint...
00:15:06.74\00:15:10.24
that the Y-type
partner used, to tell him
00:15:10.27\00:15:13.71
that you were not the one,
had nothing to do with you...
00:15:13.74\00:15:17.01
Hmmmm...
Absolutely... handed to them
00:15:17.25\00:15:19.81
like an assignment...
this is what you look for...
00:15:19.85\00:15:23.18
so, no matter how
good you treated him...
00:15:23.22\00:15:25.39
no matter how good you
looked, no matter how long
00:15:25.42\00:15:28.56
you put up with his
nonsense his foolishness...
00:15:28.59\00:15:31.63
thinking... as an X would...
that you can change him...
00:15:31.66\00:15:35.03
Hmmm... hmmmm...
... he did his thing...
00:15:35.06\00:15:38.17
he was resistant to change and
it had nothing to do with you,
00:15:38.20\00:15:40.54
because, he came
into the relationship...
00:15:40.57\00:15:42.87
knowing what he
wanted... this is the reason why
00:15:42.90\00:15:45.61
the book is sub-titled,
"How relationships end...
00:15:45.64\00:15:48.11
before they begin"
because one person at least
00:15:48.14\00:15:50.31
is coming in knowing...
"You're not the one...
00:15:50.35\00:15:52.45
I'm just here for some
time... just, you know,
00:15:52.48\00:15:55.58
let me see my watch... let me
see how long it is before I... "
00:15:55.62\00:15:57.69
Dr. Jacob you could
save... you know how much...
00:15:57.72\00:16:01.02
obviously you
do... you wrote the book,
00:16:01.06\00:16:02.86
how much time and emotional
energy you can save someone...
00:16:02.89\00:16:07.46
if they know this...
Absolutely... absolutely...
00:16:07.50\00:16:09.83
...and also... if they know
that it's nothing that they did
00:16:09.86\00:16:13.80
I think... that's
so important because...
00:16:13.84\00:16:15.37
I read a book a while ago,
00:16:15.40\00:16:18.44
on, I think it was,
"Men who can't love"
00:16:18.47\00:16:20.98
or something like that...
and it was a few years ago
00:16:21.01\00:16:24.51
actually... and it basically
alluded to the idea that
00:16:24.55\00:16:28.05
it's not necessarily
you... some people are...
00:16:28.08\00:16:31.72
I call them CPs
"commitment phobics"
00:16:31.75\00:16:33.79
where they just can't
make the commitment...
00:16:33.82\00:16:35.76
...those are the Y types...
Those are your Y types...
00:16:35.79\00:16:38.43
yeah, and there are reasons for
why they can't make a commitment
00:16:38.46\00:16:41.03
because... they have a
blueprint this is the thing...
00:16:41.06\00:16:43.70
I know Xs should not
throw away their blueprints
00:16:43.73\00:16:46.57
as quickly as they do...
they do a lot of things wrong,
00:16:46.60\00:16:49.60
Hmmm... Xs will come in and they
00:16:49.64\00:16:51.27
have the blueprint
and they give too much
00:16:51.31\00:16:55.98
Hmmmm... hmmmm... they
start too early, you know,
00:16:56.01\00:16:59.18
disclosing and
sharing and giving and bonding
00:16:59.21\00:17:02.38
Hmmm... hmmmm... Right...
00:17:02.42\00:17:03.92
Hmmm... hmmm...
because they're thinking
00:17:03.95\00:17:05.25
with their hearts and
they want that closeness
00:17:05.29\00:17:07.72
Yes... hmmm... hmmm...
00:17:07.89\00:17:09.12
and if you ever want to know
if you're in an XY relationship
00:17:09.16\00:17:11.99
try and figure out
who is the one doing
00:17:12.03\00:17:13.93
most of the
adjusting hmmm... hmmmm...
00:17:13.96\00:17:15.76
who is the one that's
doing most of the changing
00:17:15.80\00:17:17.60
the X type person is doing that
00:17:17.63\00:17:19.97
and as a result of that,
they think that the person that
00:17:20.00\00:17:22.47
they are dealing with will
also reciprocate in kind...
00:17:22.50\00:17:24.94
and that person
doesn't... because that person
00:17:24.97\00:17:27.34
doesn't have that personality,
but they don't know that
00:17:27.38\00:17:30.41
they don't
understand that, so they think,
00:17:30.45\00:17:31.91
"It's just a matter of
time" people need different
00:17:31.95\00:17:34.35
lengths of time... so
this guy needed two years...
00:17:34.38\00:17:36.62
maybe I'll give him
five, maybe after five years
00:17:36.65\00:17:39.29
he'll really change...
my parents were 51 years
00:17:39.32\00:17:41.89
married when my
dad passed last year...
00:17:41.92\00:17:44.29
Hmmm... hmmmm...
... and I got my dad
00:17:44.33\00:17:46.46
to take the
test on his dying bed
00:17:46.49\00:17:48.53
because he refused
prior to that he always said,
00:17:48.56\00:17:50.47
"I don't want the
test" Hmmm... hmm...
00:17:50.50\00:17:51.70
and when he took the
test, the disparity...
00:17:51.73\00:17:55.07
because the test really...
the lower version of it
00:17:55.10\00:17:57.34
goes from zero to one
hundred when he took the test,
00:17:57.37\00:17:59.57
my mom was 95 points
meaning she always had
00:17:59.61\00:18:02.01
high needs... of
things like intimacy,
00:18:02.04\00:18:04.41
high needs of
communication and we'll talk
00:18:04.45\00:18:06.45
about that in a minute... Yes...
00:18:06.48\00:18:07.92
my dad scores 25
00:18:07.95\00:18:10.52
Wow! look at the disparity...
... 75 points that they never
00:18:10.55\00:18:15.22
could work on in
51 years... My...
00:18:15.26\00:18:18.76
and it didn't mean
that they couldn't...
00:18:18.79\00:18:20.40
it just meant that
if they knew about it,
00:18:20.43\00:18:21.96
and they knew
what to do about it...
00:18:22.00\00:18:23.50
things could have been
different So, are there tools
00:18:23.53\00:18:27.84
that you can use to close
the gap between Xs and Ys?
00:18:27.87\00:18:30.97
Absolutely... and by the
way, anything more than a
00:18:31.01\00:18:33.74
14-point difference...
you already know that they are
00:18:33.78\00:18:36.48
going to have problems
on a 100-point scale...
00:18:36.51\00:18:38.31
we found anything more
than 14 points in communication
00:18:38.35\00:18:42.15
or intimacy... so, Xs tend to...
00:18:42.18\00:18:45.39
communication
Xs... or what we call
00:18:45.42\00:18:47.52
"X Communicators"
they tend to like a lot of
00:18:47.56\00:18:51.16
communication... Hmmm... hmm...
00:18:51.19\00:18:52.89
not just... they like
it... but they need it...
00:18:52.93\00:18:54.93
hmmm..... this is
what's the difference
00:18:54.96\00:18:56.87
between this and any
other book out there...
00:18:56.90\00:18:58.73
the other books talk
about... preferences...
00:18:58.77\00:19:00.64
when you go on a match-making
site... they ask you
00:19:00.67\00:19:04.14
"Do you enjoy
the beach?" Right...
00:19:04.17\00:19:05.74
"Do you like the
movies and the opera?"
00:19:05.77\00:19:07.78
Right... Well, guess what...
00:19:07.81\00:19:09.38
they are preferences...
yeah... if you don't like
00:19:09.41\00:19:11.51
to go to the beach...
but the guy that takes you
00:19:11.55\00:19:13.65
to the beach... 10
times before the wedding
00:19:13.68\00:19:16.85
might not take you one time
in the next ten years after...
00:19:16.89\00:19:21.02
because it's not his practice,
it's a preference that he stated
00:19:21.06\00:19:25.13
again... social personality...
so that he could look good
00:19:25.16\00:19:29.36
so that he can get
you... So these other sites
00:19:29.40\00:19:32.73
kind of measure
your social personality
00:19:32.77\00:19:35.74
and not your relational.
00:19:35.77\00:19:36.91
Exactly... Very interesting...
00:19:36.94\00:19:39.17
and the few that are catch on
and trying to do a little thing
00:19:39.21\00:19:41.41
with personality...
they are still doing
00:19:41.44\00:19:43.85
Personality Type...
and not Personality Code...
00:19:43.88\00:19:45.98
Personality Type says
"Okay... this is my type...
00:19:46.01\00:19:48.08
and this is how I
behave... " remember...
00:19:48.12\00:19:49.68
Personality Code says,
"I don't want to know...
00:19:49.72\00:19:52.99
just know about your type...
I want to know what drives you
00:19:53.02\00:19:56.39
I want to know what
will drive your practices...
00:19:56.42\00:19:58.46
I want to know if you'll
continue to be nice to me...
00:19:58.49\00:20:02.33
to be good to me...
the way you are right now
00:20:02.36\00:20:04.67
before I say, "I do"
before I let you put that
00:20:04.70\00:20:07.00
ring on my
finger... I need to know
00:20:07.04\00:20:08.47
what you're going to be like...
inside of the relationship...
00:20:08.50\00:20:11.04
so,.. because
you don't really know
00:20:11.07\00:20:13.61
...because nobody can know...
... until you get there...
00:20:13.64\00:20:14.88
...and that's the
reason I put in the code...
00:20:14.91\00:20:16.28
you hear about "Da Vinci
Code" and different codes...
00:20:16.31\00:20:18.78
...but the word "code"
itself simply means "covert"
00:20:18.81\00:20:21.25
you know, something that
is "unknown" kind of a...
00:20:21.28\00:20:23.89
you know, like a
secret... Right...
00:20:23.92\00:20:25.55
...so the reason why...
that's the reason why I said,
00:20:25.59\00:20:27.66
we need "the personality
code" because we need to go
00:20:27.69\00:20:29.69
a step further to find out...
"Will this person meet my...
00:20:29.72\00:20:33.36
they're meeting my needs now,
will this person meet my needs
00:20:33.40\00:20:36.56
on the other
side... " hmmm... hmm...
00:20:36.60\00:20:39.23
so, what I did is...
I had to find a test...
00:20:39.27\00:20:41.14
create a test...
and it took five years,
00:20:41.17\00:20:42.97
I made... a lot of revisions...
like a 100 revisions...
00:20:43.00\00:20:45.17
I had to create a
test, that would skip
00:20:45.21\00:20:48.08
your Social Personality
which everyone sees...
00:20:48.11\00:20:51.28
Right...... and
will go straight and
00:20:51.31\00:20:53.01
measure your
Relationship Personality
00:20:53.05\00:20:54.68
which even you don't know about
Wow... that is incredible...
00:20:54.72\00:20:58.42
Do you know...
everybody is going to want
00:20:58.45\00:21:01.49
to take this
test... I hope so...
00:21:01.52\00:21:03.53
I know you do...
everybody... but I mean really
00:21:03.56\00:21:06.26
because why not...
because, why not find out
00:21:06.29\00:21:09.16
who you've got or
who you're considering...
00:21:09.20\00:21:12.50
Right... right...
Now suppose one partner
00:21:12.53\00:21:15.80
wants to take the test
and the other one... doesn't
00:21:15.84\00:21:19.41
Okay... the book
has 4 tests... Okay...
00:21:19.44\00:21:22.18
two for... you
know... willing partners...
00:21:22.21\00:21:24.18
Right... right...
... which, by the way,
00:21:24.21\00:21:26.11
are very rare... 15
percent, Really... so 85 percent
00:21:26.15\00:21:30.29
...85 percent are XY
couples and have a partner
00:21:30.32\00:21:33.89
that is going to be...
reluctant to take the test
00:21:33.92\00:21:37.43
in fact... I even found
some X types that are reluctant
00:21:37.46\00:21:40.20
to take the test... Hmmm...
00:21:40.23\00:21:41.43
Why would that be, you think?
X types get their self-esteem
00:21:41.46\00:21:48.34
from who
they're with... Hmmmm...
00:21:48.37\00:21:51.34
whereas Y types get their
self-esteem from who they are...
00:21:51.37\00:21:55.11
Now, can you have
combinations of the XY type?
00:21:55.14\00:21:59.45
Yes, we do... as a matter
of fact... we actually have
00:21:59.48\00:22:01.18
we actually have
four personality types
00:22:01.22\00:22:02.68
which is why I
always tell people,
00:22:02.72\00:22:04.19
"You only have a 25 percent
chance of accidently choosing
00:22:04.22\00:22:09.16
the right partner... "
You have a 75 percent...
00:22:09.19\00:22:13.50
of not... because
there are four types
00:22:13.53\00:22:15.40
and this is how it
goes... you have XX...
00:22:15.43\00:22:17.27
now, the X simply means
high... when you think of X...
00:22:17.30\00:22:20.07
a lot of people say,
"Are those... chromosomes?"
00:22:20.10\00:22:22.34
even on the plane... I
had the book out and the...
00:22:22.37\00:22:24.61
and this lady
said... "You're talking about
00:22:24.64\00:22:26.17
chromosomes in your book
right?" Right... right...
00:22:26.21\00:22:27.44
X and Y chromosomes,
right... right... right...
00:22:27.48\00:22:29.18
...but no... it's
personality types...
00:22:29.21\00:22:30.95
X simply means high, so
anything 51 points and above
00:22:30.98\00:22:35.82
is in the X category...
and anyone 50 points and below
00:22:35.85\00:22:39.59
it's in the Y... so,
if we're talking about
00:22:39.62\00:22:42.09
communication... somebody that
has high communication needs
00:22:42.12\00:22:45.29
will be 51 points and
above... somebody who has low
00:22:45.33\00:22:49.16
communication needs
will be 50 and below
00:22:49.20\00:22:51.40
same thing for
intimacy... so if you have high
00:22:51.43\00:22:54.64
intimacy needs...
you would be an X...
00:22:54.67\00:22:56.47
what I call an
intimate X and if you have a low
00:22:56.50\00:22:59.57
intimacy needs you'd
be in the Y category...
00:22:59.61\00:23:02.61
so because of
that... you can have an XX
00:23:02.64\00:23:05.55
meaning.. you're high with
both, communication and intimacy
00:23:05.58\00:23:08.62
or you could have a
YY... meaning that you are low
00:23:08.65\00:23:11.65
with both like my dad
was... because my dad and my mom
00:23:11.69\00:23:14.62
were both high on both ends...
and both low on the other end...
00:23:14.66\00:23:18.76
Yes... So, I mean,
they really suffered
00:23:18.79\00:23:20.80
and so, you can also have a YX
meaning that you have a low need
00:23:20.83\00:23:26.63
for communication... so
the first letter is always
00:23:26.67\00:23:28.44
communication... so
you have a low need for
00:23:28.47\00:23:30.04
communication... but you
have a high need for intimacy...
00:23:30.07\00:23:33.14
Hmmm...... and then, of course,
00:23:33.17\00:23:35.31
you could have the
XY... I actually have...
00:23:35.34\00:23:37.45
my best friend is in
California, they've been married
00:23:37.48\00:23:39.58
for 20 years... and
they have... what I call
00:23:39.61\00:23:41.98
an inverted
relationship... How is that?
00:23:42.02\00:23:44.32
it's... His is
YX and her's is XY
00:23:44.35\00:23:47.59
Ah... now does it
work? No, it does not...
00:23:47.62\00:23:50.53
and has not...
they've stuck together...
00:23:50.56\00:23:53.40
which is why... this
test does not predict
00:23:53.43\00:23:54.73
whether or not you
will get a divorce...
00:23:54.73\00:23:55.96
it just predicts how rough and
rocky the ride is going to be...
00:23:56.00\00:23:58.73
Okay...... so
they stuck it out...
00:23:58.77\00:24:00.80
but they both told me...
separately... how horrible
00:24:00.84\00:24:05.87
some parts of it are... Yes...
00:24:05.91\00:24:07.58
...and it's always predictable
I could have given them
00:24:07.61\00:24:10.01
this test 20 years ago and told
them exactly what to expect...
00:24:10.05\00:24:12.31
exactly what they're
telling me right now...
00:24:12.35\00:24:13.95
so, with the
inverted relationship...
00:24:13.98\00:24:17.55
XY... YX...
00:24:17.59\00:24:18.65
it means... one person has...
00:24:18.69\00:24:20.69
what the other
person doesn't need...
00:24:20.72\00:24:22.26
and the other person is giving
00:24:22.29\00:24:24.36
what the other
person doesn't want...
00:24:24.39\00:24:25.93
Wow!... so they're not speaking
each other's language...
00:24:27.23\00:24:30.73
...at all... and the two most...
and when I say communication
00:24:30.77\00:24:33.77
and intimacy... I didn't
just say it to make it up...
00:24:33.80\00:24:36.37
they did a tremendous
amount of studies in the...
00:24:36.40\00:24:39.37
from 2000 on...
and they found that...
00:24:39.41\00:24:41.51
every time couples
fought... when they distilled
00:24:41.54\00:24:44.95
the arguments down,
it always came back to
00:24:44.98\00:24:47.35
communication and
intimacy... one or both of those
00:24:47.38\00:24:51.25
not being met... And
we're not talking about
00:24:51.29\00:24:53.36
sexual intimacy
right... just emotional...
00:24:53.39\00:24:55.42
...absolutely not
sexual... just emotional...
00:24:55.46\00:24:57.16
and some people say,
"Well, we've always known that"
00:24:57.19\00:24:59.13
but no... what we have
known is... what the components
00:24:59.16\00:25:01.53
of each are... Hmmm...
00:25:01.56\00:25:03.23
...so, in the book... I
have about 15 components
00:25:03.26\00:25:05.77
of communication
that people look for
00:25:05.80\00:25:07.57
when they are
high communicators...
00:25:07.60\00:25:09.30
and it's easy to
tell... like if you're dating...
00:25:09.34\00:25:12.34
and the guy happens to
let you see the phone...
00:25:12.37\00:25:15.38
he probably
won't... ah... huh...
00:25:15.41\00:25:16.61
but if he happens to
let you see the phone...
00:25:16.64\00:25:18.11
look and see... or
just... look at the texts
00:25:18.15\00:25:20.95
that he sends
you... Hmm... hmmm...
00:25:20.98\00:25:22.22
...if he sends you texts
that is as long as a thesis,
00:25:22.25\00:25:25.32
he's an X Communicator...
you'll know that immediately,
00:25:25.35\00:25:29.42
now, you send a long
text to a Y... that you think
00:25:29.46\00:25:32.79
requires some
explanation or some response...
00:25:32.83\00:25:36.03
very often... you will get
a one- or two-word response...
00:25:36.06\00:25:39.77
okay... nothing else...
okay... you said all of this...
00:25:39.80\00:25:43.44
I was wondering
what we should do...
00:25:43.47\00:25:44.97
or... "k"... just "k"...
you know... why you get the "k"
00:25:45.01\00:25:48.68
because they...
again... everything...
00:25:48.71\00:25:50.18
their
communication is functional
00:25:50.21\00:25:51.38
as everything else...
and they're thinking...
00:25:51.41\00:25:53.25
if I drop the "o"...
00:25:53.28\00:25:54.82
the "k" makes all
the sense in the world...
00:25:54.85\00:25:57.69
why does she need an
extra letter right...
00:25:57.72\00:26:00.89
and that... is what
you're dealing with...
00:26:00.92\00:26:04.06
that is the personality
that you're dealing with,
00:26:04.09\00:26:06.49
for the Y
Communicator compared to the X
00:26:06.53\00:26:09.10
and it's not... I tell people...
because I have a lot of Ys
00:26:09.13\00:26:11.33
that come out... I
had this guy when I...
00:26:11.37\00:26:13.50
I do presentations
every two or three months
00:26:13.54\00:26:15.47
I'm somewhere... doing a
presentation or a seminar...
00:26:15.50\00:26:18.31
in a Church or
in an Organization,
00:26:18.34\00:26:20.34
and I have these people
come up to me afterwards,
00:26:20.38\00:26:22.18
especially the Ys...
not the Xs so much...
00:26:22.21\00:26:23.71
but the Ys...
one guy came up to me
00:26:23.75\00:26:25.35
and he said "I am a converted Y"
and that kind of broke my heart,
00:26:25.38\00:26:30.29
because I said, "I
hope that I'm not giving you
00:26:30.32\00:26:32.09
the impression that Ys
are "bad", "terrible people"
00:26:32.12\00:26:34.89
I said, "No, no, no...
00:26:34.92\00:26:36.16
nobody is right or
wrong in this it's just...
00:26:36.19\00:26:40.36
you are one personality
type and I am another...
00:26:40.40\00:26:44.50
we're different...
that's what it is...
00:26:44.53\00:26:45.80
it's about differences...
not about right and wrong...
00:26:45.83\00:26:48.10
Exactly, you're not
saying that Xs are good people
00:26:48.14\00:26:50.34
and Ys aren't... they just
have a different perception...
00:26:50.37\00:26:53.41
yeah... different way of
meeting each other's needs...
00:26:53.44\00:26:56.48
Yeah... yeah...
yeah... so, we just have...
00:26:56.51\00:26:59.08
about one minute... is
there anything that you want
00:26:59.11\00:27:02.75
the viewers to know...
Well, the book XY Theory
00:27:02.78\00:27:05.55
is available everywhere...
and in every format...
00:27:05.59\00:27:08.32
you can get it as an
e- book on your Kindle
00:27:08.36\00:27:11.16
you can go to Amazon.
com some friends called
00:27:11.19\00:27:13.93
from the U.K. to say that
it's in bookstores over there
00:27:13.96\00:27:15.83
so you can get
it... everywhere...
00:27:15.86\00:27:16.97
but you can also get it
on my website xytheory. com
00:27:17.00\00:27:20.77
or jacobinstitute. com
but it's available anywhere
00:27:20.80\00:27:24.41
and anywhere you go...
we are also trying to get it
00:27:24.44\00:27:26.54
in our Adventist Book Centers
so, I would try there first...
00:27:26.57\00:27:31.38
and see if they've
already gotten their shipment...
00:27:31.41\00:27:34.28
Great... thank you so
much, thank you so much
00:27:34.32\00:27:36.72
for being with us...
and may God bless you
00:27:36.75\00:27:39.09
as you continue to help
relationships everywhere...
00:27:39.12\00:27:41.49
Once again, it's time to go,
you know, relationships are so
00:27:41.52\00:27:45.56
critical and we just sometimes
neglect to really focus
00:27:45.59\00:27:49.56
on the importance of
knowing... "Who am I dating...
00:27:49.60\00:27:53.54
or what's going on
in this marriage... "
00:27:53.57\00:27:56.07
Thanks for tuning
in. Join us next time.
00:27:56.10\00:27:58.41
It just wouldn't be
the same without you.
00:27:58.44\00:28:00.81