One third of all
American children
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are being raised
in single-parent homes
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with limited or no
supervision. Our guest today
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is the founder of a
home for troubled teens.
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Stay tuned to find
out the causes and cures
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for our troubled
youth. My name is Yvonne Lewis
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and you're watching Urban Report
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Hello and
welcome to Urban Report
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There are numerous
elements that contribute
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to healthy human development
such as spirituality,
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family dynamics,
support from community adults
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school
effectiveness, peer influence
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values
development and social skills.
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Many troubled youth are
missing some of these elements
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causing them to act
out. Today our guest is
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Dr. Blondel Senior,
Director and Founder of the
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Advent Home and Learning Center.
He's going to shed some light
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on troubled youth,
fatherlessness and suggestions
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to help these troubled
youth. Welcome to Urban Report
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Dr. Senior... it's
so good to have you
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once again... You
were here another time
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and you had brought a
young student with you,
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and so I'm glad
you could come back
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and shed some more
light on what's going on...
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with our teenagers...
Tell us, first of all,
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about the Advent
Home. What is that?
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What do you do?
Advent Home is a residential
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Treatment program for
kids who are at-risk...
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at risk of dropping out of
school, running away from home,
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failing, you know, just
not finishing basic High School
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and they get into trouble...
stealing, shop-lifting,
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maybe getting pregnant,
but kids who are at-risk
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and they run the
risk of dropping out then.
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Parents need to intervene
before it gets out of hand.
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You have boys and
girls? No... boys only...
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Ah... boys only...
The reason for that is
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what you call a minimum
distraction environment.
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I can understand that...
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Look at what's
happening to kids these days...
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they are being distracted...
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Yes... You know with cell phone,
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baggy pants, funny
hairdos, drugs, alcohol,
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and various other
things... they have to remove
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the distraction and re-give
them a minimum distraction
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remove the
distractions... and I tell you,
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it makes a big difference...
And the opposite sex...
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certainly can be a distraction,
especially in the teen years
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when hormones are
raging... Yeah... yes...
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Those are distractions... Yes...
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So now, what is the age
range of of children or teens
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that you work with
We take boys 12 to 17
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Grades 6 to 12 and these
are... this is a high-risk area
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age group and mostly boys...
9 out of 10 boys suffer ADHD
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attention deficit,
hyperactivity disorder
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and most of the kids
who come to our program
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are diagnosed
ADHD... many other diagnoses
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Conduct disorder,
Bi-Polar, Tourette's syndrome
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Aspergers... and
various, but they come with
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depression...
they come with anger
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and they come with basic school
problems and social problems.
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So what are the family dynamics
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that are taking place,
with most of the young men
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that come to your school?
Well, most of these kids...
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9 out of 10 of these kids
are from broken, divorced or
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adopted homes... so
there's a real problem there,
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and many of them are
from single-parent homes...
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and, of course,
most single-parent homes
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are headed by mothers...
females only 12% of homes,
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single-parent homes
are headed by men...
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so now you have a
mother who is working...
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and she has to work long hours
and so.. maybe start at 6:00
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and work until
8:00 or 9:00 p. m.
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and so there's a long
period of lack of supervision...
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and that creates
problems for the kids...
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US News and World
Report... several years ago...
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reported that the
highest rate of pregnancy
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is from 3:00 o'clock
until 5:30 Monday to Thursday...
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3:00 to 5:30... Yes...
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Monday through Thursday...
Monday through Thursday... right
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how interesting...
right after school...
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right after school... the
kids are left unsupervised,
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teenagers are alone...
and they get into trouble...
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Yes... yes... Unsupervised...
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What... would you
say... when you work with these
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young men... that
have... all of this anger
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do you also see
Depression with that?
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Yes... almost every child
who comes to the Advent Home
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is diagnosed as depressed...
now you have to understand
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the dynamics of depression...
you have to back up a little bit
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these kids like to stay up late,
play video... listen to music,
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play computer games...
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and so the parents
are harassing them...
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"Go to bed, go to
bed... " and they invent...
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"I can't sleep... that's
why I'm not going to bed. "
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which is really a
make-up so they stay up late
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until 2:00 a. m. in the
morning, almost every night...
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and then they have to get
up at 5:30 or 6:00 o'clock
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in the morning... to
catch a bus to go to school,
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OK... and then they
begin to be lethargic
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now they're lethargic because
they didn't get enough sleep
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not because they are depressed,
but the symptoms of depression
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and lack of
sleep... mimic each other
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and they look alike...
so they go to the doctor
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because they can't sleep
and they get sleeping pills
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and they go to the
doctor and they're lethargic
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and they get depression
pills, and they are diagnosed
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Depression problems
and Sleeping problems
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when really they're tired...
So they come to the Advent Home
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with medication for sleeping...
medication for depression,
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and other medications...
and because of the
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nature of the program...
the program is activity oriented
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the campus is very
big... lots of walking...
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everyday there's recreation...
there are outdoor activities
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chores and
gardening... so the kids play...
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and in two or three
days... they will lose their
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depression... and
lose their lack of sleep
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and they'll beg to go to bed...
Look at what you're saying...
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Doctor Senior... this
is so interesting to me
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because... it's like one
issue is compounding another...
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Yes... yes... yes...
So the first issue...
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the very first
issue... is the sleeplessness.
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Lack of sleep... right..
because they are staying up
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too late at night... and
Science has been saying too
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that sleep is so critical
even in glucose metabolism...
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So... because you
can become pre-diabetic
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from sleep deprivation...
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so, now you're
saying, these young boys...
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are not getting enough sleep
they're playing video games...
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there should be...
there should be a bed time...
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Right... but
because of a lack of
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supervision or whatever...
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there isn't... So
the boys are not getting
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enough sleep... and
so... then they are medicated
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Yes... That's Problem number Two
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Right... right... So
then they're medicated...
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and the medication can
cause a kind of disconnect
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metabolically... so that...
chemically... with them...
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so that... now
you've got sleep deprivation
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you've got medication that
also can have its side effects
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And misdiagnosis...
And misdiagnosis...
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False diagnosis... Wow!
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Right, so these
problems begin to accumulate...
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Yes... yes... And
now it creates a problem
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where they have to send a
child to the Advent Home...
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It's a big expense...
especially for them...
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Yes... yes... And
they come and in...
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I'd say... two
days... three days the most...
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they're off their
medication, those medications...
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and they're sleeping...
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because they're tired...
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Because you're working
them... I'm working them...
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Good... work is good...
And that's another thing
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that I
noticed... in many homes...
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there are no chores... Right...
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Like what happened to chores...
what happened to kids having to
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do certain things in the
home... that's not happening...
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but your boys have
chores... What do they do?
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We'd like to
say food is medicine
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and work is medicine...
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Yes.. yes... Nature
is their physician...
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Yes... yes... What do they do?
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Just the size of the
campus... walking to campus
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is exercise... How far
are the... for example,
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the dorm from the School?
Maybe one-eighth of a mile...
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Ah... And they play...
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It's a schedule...
we're running a very
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tight schedule from 6:00 a.
m. until 9:30 p. m. every day...
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tight schedule...
you must move from
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Point A to Point
B... Point A to Point B...
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Because these kids
get into trouble...
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if they have
nothing to do... Yes...
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So idleness... is not good...
and they work... chores...
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they have chores...
they can even learn skills
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we call them apprentices...
they can learn to cook...
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and we take the kids in
the kitchen and teach them
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food
processing... from A to Z...
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Oh... that's great... We
also have a program called
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Youth Leadership...
Those that are more mature
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and more
stable... you can use them
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to help to tutor other kids
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and we're part of
the Group Leadership
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So each room...
has a Group Leader...
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a more mature student...
helping out late at night
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as extra eyes and ears
when staff is not around...
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We have gardening...
they can learn gardening...
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we have a six-month,
twelve-month, twenty-four-month
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gardening program
where a person can actually
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leave being a
professional gardener...
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with a certificate...
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We have Auto Mechanic...
where the kids can learn
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to service a car...
ten-point service...
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twenty-point service...
thirty-point service.. you know.
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That's
tremendous... And these are just
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ordinary skills that
you bump into... everyday.
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Everyone has to
take care of their car...
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Yes... yes... Lot
of services involved
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Yeah... This is
so important because
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Number one... when they leave...
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they'll have a
sense of accomplishment...
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I have done something... I
have completed something...
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I've been
successful at something...
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Which is, I think, an element
that they hadn't had previously
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Right... right... That
feeling of being able to
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accomplish
something... So that's got to be
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a great thing for
them... Right... right...
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When the kids leave...
we do an exit survey...
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Hmmmm... And we'll ask them...
00:10:20.37\00:10:21.70
What's the thing that
was most important to you...
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what's the thing
that you learned best...
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and they said... "Work"
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They learned to work...
they learned work ethics...
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Critical... a critical piece...
We'd like to say these kids
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are allergic to work...
they don't know what to do
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with a tool,
00:10:36.79\00:10:37.82
and if you give them
a dust pan and a broom
00:10:37.85\00:10:40.34
and say sweep,
they can't coordinate it
00:10:40.37\00:10:42.93
they've never done it
before... simple tasks...
00:10:42.96\00:10:45.40
Your kidding... No... no...
00:10:45.43\00:10:47.06
If you're going through a
gate, like with a pick up truck
00:10:47.10\00:10:49.27
and ask the kid to
open the gate drive through
00:10:49.30\00:10:51.54
and wait on the
other side of the gate
00:10:51.58\00:10:52.79
then ask him to lock
the gate, he'd lock himself
00:10:52.83\00:10:54.82
on the wrong side
of the gate... Wow!
00:10:54.85\00:10:56.67
Lack of skills...
00:10:56.70\00:10:57.98
lack of skills, basic skills...
00:10:58.01\00:11:00.04
Yes... yes... You
know, courtesy, politeness,
00:11:00.07\00:11:02.06
opening the door, you
know, how to sit on a chair,
00:11:02.10\00:11:04.70
they'll sit crooked,
you know, they're eating...
00:11:04.74\00:11:06.23
and they're sitting
crooked... Yes, yes...
00:11:06.27\00:11:08.24
you have to go push
the chair under them...
00:11:08.28\00:11:10.26
All... such basic
things that I mentioned,
00:11:10.29\00:11:12.75
we teach
basically four things...
00:11:12.78\00:11:14.51
we teach a lot of things...
but we like to teach.. skills...
00:11:14.55\00:11:18.01
how to do things...
how to wash dishes...
00:11:18.05\00:11:21.30
how to iron your clothes...
you come in on Fridays
00:11:21.33\00:11:24.05
and they are
preparing their clothes...
00:11:24.09\00:11:25.32
you know... to go to
Church... and it's just amazing
00:11:25.36\00:11:27.87
seeing these boys...
and they will be ironing...
00:11:27.90\00:11:30.34
and they need to do
something, they take the iron...
00:11:30.37\00:11:32.77
and put it on the
ground... waiting on it...
00:11:32.81\00:11:35.50
and, of course,
there's a burnt-out iron marks
00:11:35.54\00:11:38.09
Oh! my goodness... If
you go to their residence...
00:11:38.13\00:11:41.16
burnt out iron marks
all over the place...
00:11:41.19\00:11:44.15
They haven't put
together that the iron is hot
00:11:44.19\00:11:46.81
that it will burn
the carpet... Yes...
00:11:46.85\00:11:48.95
...and so forth...
So, you teach them skills,
00:11:48.98\00:11:52.08
you teach them values...
"Education is good... "
00:11:52.11\00:11:54.66
"You need to finish
your High School Education"
00:11:54.69\00:11:57.45
not just the skills or
education but the value
00:11:57.48\00:12:00.20
you need to be
polite to your mother,
00:12:00.23\00:12:02.06
OK... many of these kids will
hit and push their mothers...
00:12:02.09\00:12:05.26
and we'd like
to say... that Hit?
00:12:05.30\00:12:07.03
Yes... below the
belt... Oh... my...
00:12:07.06\00:12:09.99
Yes, that's
trouble... When I was growing...
00:12:10.02\00:12:11.62
if I even looked at my mother
in a certain way... forget it...
00:12:11.65\00:12:15.74
and my mother was really
little, but she was not having
00:12:15.77\00:12:19.12
any disrespect
whatsoever... and so
00:12:19.16\00:12:21.49
...today... there's
a lot of disrespect...
00:12:21.52\00:12:24.54
Yes, you do... I
think because many times...
00:12:24.58\00:12:27.57
and you tell me if this is right
parents often deal with their
00:12:27.60\00:12:31.41
children as
though they are peers...
00:12:31.44\00:12:32.80
Yes...
00:12:32.83\00:12:33.86
...and not this
kind of relationship...
00:12:33.89\00:12:35.84
though the parent...
should be respected...
00:12:35.88\00:12:38.22
Yes... yes... That
is what God tells us
00:12:38.26\00:12:40.57
even in the Ten Commandments...
00:12:40.60\00:12:41.69
to honor your
parents... Yes... yes...
00:12:41.72\00:12:43.51
And the parents
should be more skillful
00:12:43.55\00:12:45.10
so they can pass on the
skills to their children
00:12:45.13\00:12:47.89
the knowledge... and
you start out very early...
00:12:47.92\00:12:50.61
you know... pick up your clothes
put it in the laundry basket,
00:12:50.65\00:12:53.36
set the table...
help with a meal...
00:12:53.39\00:12:56.92
and as the child gets older...
you increase the workload...
00:12:56.96\00:13:01.11
or you increase the experience.
How old... at what age,
00:13:01.15\00:13:05.27
do you think,
chores should be given?
00:13:05.31\00:13:06.90
As soon as you can open
and close your fingers...
00:13:06.94\00:13:09.94
Come on... come
on.. Yes... yes...
00:13:09.98\00:13:11.91
Oh yes... Unpack that...
00:13:11.94\00:13:13.59
No, no... you tell the
child... "Come with Mommy,
00:13:13.63\00:13:15.93
come with Daddy...
pick up your clothes...
00:13:15.96\00:13:17.21
and you pick one up
too... and you role play...
00:13:17.24\00:13:19.46
you role model... and
the child will do it...
00:13:19.50\00:13:21.68
We started and taught our
kids when they were teeny, weeny
00:13:21.72\00:13:24.37
and they had to pick up
their clothes and drop it...
00:13:24.41\00:13:27.00
and they didn't do it right...
and they had to get on the other
00:13:27.03\00:13:29.51
side of the bed to
learn to make up the bed...
00:13:29.54\00:13:31.13
they didn't do it right...
it's a learning process...
00:13:31.16\00:13:33.88
Yes... But it's a foundation...
00:13:33.92\00:13:35.27
and later on... you
teach them... you know...
00:13:35.31\00:13:37.81
working in the
kitchen... setting the table...
00:13:37.84\00:13:40.27
when our girls were 12 years old
they could prepare for 30 people
00:13:40.31\00:13:44.29
coming to our home,
That's tremendous...
00:13:44.33\00:13:46.17
That's right...
00:13:46.20\00:13:47.23
At 12... At 12...
Hmmm, Hmmmm at 12...
00:13:47.26\00:13:48.75
and by the way... you know...
I'll get into trouble for this,
00:13:48.78\00:13:51.63
but you can start teaching
them to drive by age 8...
00:13:51.66\00:13:54.48
Oh... So that when they are 16,
00:13:54.51\00:13:57.08
they have 8 years of
driving experience...
00:13:57.12\00:13:58.97
you just go way
out in the country...
00:13:59.01\00:14:00.92
or you go to a big parking
lot early Sunday morning...
00:14:00.95\00:14:04.23
at the shopping center...
so there's nobody around...
00:14:04.26\00:14:07.46
you take them out in the woods,
and you teach them to drive...
00:14:07.50\00:14:11.31
OK... just for our viewers...
this is Dr. Senior saying this
00:14:11.34\00:14:15.12
this isn't Dare
to Dream Network...
00:14:15.16\00:14:17.41
Not on the main highway...
00:14:17.65\00:14:18.72
We don't want anybody
e- mailing us saying...
00:14:18.76\00:14:22.01
"You told us to do this...
" "Oh yes, you know, kids...
00:14:22.04\00:14:24.26
I hear you... what
you're saying is that
00:14:24.29\00:14:26.39
there are certain skills that
you must impart to your children
00:14:26.43\00:14:30.63
at an early
age... so that they will
00:14:30.66\00:14:33.06
incorporate them...
and internalize them...
00:14:33.10\00:14:37.25
as they continue to grow...
the work ethic is so critical
00:14:37.29\00:14:42.07
because one of the
things that I see happening...
00:14:42.24\00:14:44.79
is that our boys are
like... playing video games...
00:14:44.83\00:14:48.36
not understanding what is
involved with being a man...
00:14:48.39\00:14:52.52
because many times...
there is no man in their lives,
00:14:52.55\00:14:56.81
tell us the effect of
fatherlessness on these boys...
00:14:56.84\00:15:01.07
First of all... what's
the preponderance of it?
00:15:01.10\00:15:03.43
How many... what percentage
of the boys that come to you
00:15:03.46\00:15:07.21
are fatherless? For
the boys that have come to
00:15:07.24\00:15:10.84
us that are fatherless...
9 out of 10 are divorced
00:15:10.88\00:15:14.44
or adopted... right
there... there's a problem
00:15:14.48\00:15:17.56
because their biological
parents are not their parents.
00:15:17.60\00:15:20.94
Right... And
divorce... it's broken...
00:15:20.98\00:15:23.58
so there are many
types of "fatherless"
00:15:23.61\00:15:26.17
there's the divorced
home... that's fatherless...
00:15:26.21\00:15:28.73
there's the adopted
home... often is fatherless...
00:15:28.76\00:15:31.48
there's abandoned
home... that is fatherless...
00:15:31.51\00:15:34.16
there's the negligent
father... who is fatherless...
00:15:34.19\00:15:36.73
there's the dead-beat
father... who is fatherless...
00:15:36.77\00:15:39.28
and so on... it
goes on... you know...
00:15:39.31\00:15:40.61
so it comes in different
forms, high percentage...
00:15:40.65\00:15:44.22
and fatherlessness has
a significant impact on
00:15:44.26\00:15:47.79
on young people...
Tell us about that...
00:15:47.83\00:15:51.14
A high percentage of
African-American girls
00:15:51.18\00:15:54.66
like... 70 percent...
of African-American girls
00:15:54.70\00:15:58.15
are having
babies out-of-wedlock...
00:15:58.18\00:15:59.85
Hmmm... hmmm...
So right there...
00:15:59.89\00:16:01.49
at the same time.. 32 percent
of them are being divorced...
00:16:01.53\00:16:04.49
when you add those
two things together...
00:16:04.53\00:16:07.58
it's more than
100%... OK. So 34 percent of
00:16:07.61\00:16:10.63
African-American women
are getting divorced...
00:16:10.67\00:16:14.78
Yes... yes... And
then over 70 percent
00:16:14.81\00:16:16.91
are having babies out of wedlock
so we're looking at a really
00:16:16.94\00:16:20.85
deep systemic problem here...
Yes... yes... systemic... yes...
00:16:20.89\00:16:23.70
And because the value
among the African-American girls
00:16:23.74\00:16:28.22
is that... they
don't have to get married,
00:16:28.25\00:16:30.19
and it's true...
they can have a baby...
00:16:30.23\00:16:32.13
without getting
married... But does this...
00:16:32.16\00:16:33.79
this does not actually translate
across socio-economic lines
00:16:33.83\00:16:40.31
does it?
00:16:40.35\00:16:41.38
No... no...
00:16:41.41\00:16:42.44
Is it mostly
lower socio-economic...
00:16:42.47\00:16:44.11
Mostly lower socio-economic
lines... mostly lower...
00:16:44.15\00:16:46.58
For example... when education...
just High School Education
00:16:46.61\00:16:50.33
is interjected in the
family... many things happen...
00:16:50.37\00:16:54.30
Obesity goes down... Hmmmmmmm...
00:16:54.34\00:16:57.06
Obesity goes down...
when education interjected...
00:16:57.10\00:17:00.58
the family is more stable...
when a father is present...
00:17:00.62\00:17:04.06
it has a positive
effect upon the family...
00:17:04.10\00:17:07.08
kids continue their schooling..
rather than dropping out...
00:17:07.11\00:17:10.53
So... a father in
the home gives stability,
00:17:10.56\00:17:12.91
a father in the home gives
security and greater discipline
00:17:12.95\00:17:16.88
I have something
here to share with you...
00:17:16.91\00:17:19.27
63 percent of young
people who commit suicide
00:17:19.31\00:17:21.63
are from fatherless
homes... 63 percent!
00:17:21.67\00:17:24.99
Hmmmm... 63 percent!
00:17:25.02\00:17:26.09
Yes, if you have to line
up a hundred kids out there
00:17:26.13\00:17:27.68
and divide them into
40 you know... plus 60,
00:17:27.71\00:17:30.61
a whole bulk of
them commit suicide
00:17:30.64\00:17:33.26
from fatherless homes...
another statistic I have...
00:17:33.30\00:17:36.93
listen to this...
90 percent of kids
00:17:36.96\00:17:39.20
who are homeless or run away...
are from fatherless homes...
00:17:39.24\00:17:41.89
90 percent... 90 percent...
00:17:41.92\00:17:44.89
You know... well continue... and
then I'll tell you something...
00:17:44.93\00:17:49.83
Here's another one...
children with behavior disorders
00:17:49.87\00:17:52.86
63 percent...
fatherless homes... 63 percent..
00:17:52.90\00:17:57.30
Here's another one
80 percent of kids...
00:17:57.34\00:17:59.68
people who are
rapists and have anger...
00:17:59.71\00:18:01.98
are from fatherless homes...
80 percent.. fatherless homes...
00:18:02.02\00:18:05.80
80 percent!
00:18:05.83\00:18:06.86
Yes... US census.. 71 percent
00:18:06.89\00:18:08.56
of High School
dropouts... fatherless homes...
00:18:08.60\00:18:10.73
75 percent of adolescents
who have drug problems...
00:18:10.76\00:18:17.37
are from
fatherless homes. 75 percent!
00:18:17.41\00:18:20.61
Yes... and listen to
this... 85 percent of kids
00:18:20.64\00:18:22.69
who are in prison...
are from fatherless homes...
00:18:22.73\00:18:24.88
You know... I've
heard this repeatedly
00:18:24.92\00:18:28.07
Yes... yes...
that on Mother's Day...
00:18:28.11\00:18:31.20
you cannot... in prison...
you cannot get to a phone...
00:18:31.23\00:18:35.46
because the guys are
lined up to call their moms...
00:18:35.50\00:18:39.70
Yes... yes... But
on Father's Day...
00:18:39.73\00:18:42.39
you can... the
phones are free...
00:18:42.43\00:18:45.09
Right... Because...
00:18:45.13\00:18:46.16
the fathers have been
absent... You know, we have,
00:18:46.19\00:18:48.65
in this country... we
are... as Americans...
00:18:48.69\00:18:52.68
we are, I think, the
highest or in the highest...
00:18:52.71\00:18:57.28
statistically...
of those countries...
00:18:57.32\00:19:01.46
industrialized countries...
that incarcerate people...
00:19:01.50\00:19:03.81
Right... right... right...
... so, when you look at the
00:19:03.84\00:19:06.53
disproportionate incarceration,
of African-Americans...
00:19:06.57\00:19:09.22
the minorities...
you look at that...
00:19:09.25\00:19:12.20
and then you look
at what's going on...
00:19:12.24\00:19:15.04
in the Communities...
the men are gone...
00:19:15.07\00:19:17.46
...they're gone...
00:19:17.49\00:19:18.52
...they are absent... and
then the ones that are there...
00:19:18.55\00:19:21.37
bless their hearts... they
might not have had a father
00:19:21.40\00:19:24.43
so they don't know...
what does a father do?
00:19:24.47\00:19:27.36
one of the things that
we're doing on Dare to Dream...
00:19:27.40\00:19:30.64
is... we are... in the process
now of producing a program
00:19:30.67\00:19:33.88
called "The Father's
Heart" which is going to teach
00:19:33.92\00:19:36.56
young men...
what a father does...
00:19:36.59\00:19:39.84
because from what
you're telling us...
00:19:39.87\00:19:43.91
there is just this
big hole... this vacuum
00:19:43.94\00:19:47.90
that exists in the family...
and the father needs to step up
00:19:47.94\00:19:52.50
to the plate... and
take care.. of his family...
00:19:52.54\00:19:55.22
Right... right...
right... So... what do you see,
00:19:55.26\00:19:57.87
tell us about some of the
boys that you have personally
00:19:57.90\00:20:01.93
come into contact
with... who have no relationship
00:20:01.97\00:20:05.64
with their dads... how do
they.. when they come to the
00:20:05.67\00:20:08.55
Advent Home...
how do they present...
00:20:08.59\00:20:10.29
They do not know how to relate,
you know, and when you sort
00:20:10.32\00:20:15.47
it out... men to
men... boys to boys
00:20:15.50\00:20:17.16
they do not know how
to relate, occasionally...
00:20:17.20\00:20:19.33
we will break the
group from all women
00:20:19.36\00:20:21.86
and just men... we
will go out and talk...
00:20:21.89\00:20:23.62
and these boys will
break down and cry...
00:20:23.65\00:20:26.46
something they won't do
in front of female staff...
00:20:26.49\00:20:29.56
...break down and cry...
'cause... you begin to talk
00:20:29.59\00:20:32.83
about things that
you don't mention in the
00:20:32.87\00:20:34.89
presence of others... Such as...
00:20:34.93\00:20:36.48
Sexuality... dating... and...
just... we call it "Men's Stuff"
00:20:36.52\00:20:44.18
and they don't
know what to do...
00:20:44.21\00:20:46.93
they do not know
how to be courageous
00:20:46.96\00:20:49.61
Hmmmmmmm... They do
not know how to speak up
00:20:49.65\00:20:53.16
and speak like a
man... they do not know
00:20:53.19\00:20:56.67
how to be a
boy... and be a man...
00:20:56.70\00:20:59.33
they get confused
with their role...
00:20:59.36\00:21:01.92
and you have to teach them...
and... we see boys who will come
00:21:01.96\00:21:06.05
and they'll do things
that are self-destructive...
00:21:06.08\00:21:09.08
Such as...
00:21:09.12\00:21:10.17
Oh... drop out of
school is self-destructive
00:21:10.20\00:21:12.85
making poor grades
is self-destructive...
00:21:12.89\00:21:15.50
failing before a performance...
we will have a performance
00:21:15.54\00:21:20.14
for a young man... that is...
00:21:20.17\00:21:21.51
your parents are coming...
we want you to do something
00:21:21.55\00:21:23.98
on the
platform... and before that...
00:21:24.02\00:21:25.98
he'll act out... so
you'll dismiss him...
00:21:26.02\00:21:28.69
Hmmmm... He will
engineer his own failure
00:21:28.73\00:21:31.36
very common
behavior... common behavior...
00:21:31.63\00:21:34.79
engineer his own
failure... and in terms of
00:21:34.82\00:21:37.91
standing up and
speaking up are real problems...
00:21:37.95\00:21:40.49
you know... so it
muddles the role model
00:21:40.52\00:21:43.51
we have to provide them
role models in our staff
00:21:43.54\00:21:46.67
and, you know, even staff
have their sets of problems too.
00:21:46.70\00:21:50.29
But we have to be good
examples, we have to teach them
00:21:50.32\00:21:53.96
how to dress up and look
nice, you know and look spivvy
00:21:53.99\00:21:58.13
you have to teach
them how to behave...
00:21:58.16\00:22:01.45
you know... one-on-one...
there was a lady we had
00:22:01.49\00:22:04.67
who would take them
to Valentine Programs
00:22:04.70\00:22:07.35
oh... that was so
good... you know...
00:22:07.39\00:22:09.97
go to the Adventist Schools...
and they would have dates
00:22:10.01\00:22:13.29
and that was so
good... because first time...
00:22:13.33\00:22:16.10
these kids are dating...
and dressing up and looking nice
00:22:16.13\00:22:19.12
they have to be polite
and courteous to a girl...
00:22:19.16\00:22:20.74
and you teach them ahead of
time and so much is missing...
00:22:20.77\00:22:26.28
It hurts my heart...
as I'm listening to you...
00:22:26.31\00:22:30.48
I feel like crying...
because there's so much
00:22:30.52\00:22:32.46
that these boys don't get...
that they don't have at home
00:22:32.49\00:22:36.78
and it's like... I'm
thankful for the Advent Home
00:22:36.81\00:22:40.80
and for what you're doing...
providing an environment
00:22:40.84\00:22:44.48
for these boys... where
they can learn basic skills
00:22:44.52\00:22:48.13
we're not talking
about brain surgery...
00:22:48.17\00:22:51.20
we're talking about basic
social skills that are missing
00:22:51.23\00:22:55.34
Yes, this should be learned
from your mother or their dad
00:22:55.38\00:22:59.17
just to dress up and look
like your dad... feels spivvy...
00:22:59.20\00:23:02.96
Yes... I have a young man I can
00:23:02.99\00:23:04.38
think of right
now... he's 15 years old,
00:23:04.42\00:23:05.75
tall, handsome, good looking
and all he wants to commit...
00:23:05.79\00:23:09.29
is crime... the next behavior...
00:23:09.32\00:23:11.18
How can I steal
this? How can I rip off?
00:23:11.21\00:23:13.39
How can I break
into his apartment?
00:23:13.42\00:23:15.48
you know... Where
are you coming from?
00:23:15.52\00:23:17.50
How can I steal a car?
they want to do negative things
00:23:17.54\00:23:21.42
and they get attention
from negative things...
00:23:21.46\00:23:23.70
and it's a
shame... it's a shame...
00:23:23.73\00:23:26.58
it's heartbreaking...
it's heartbreaking
00:23:26.61\00:23:29.23
How do you discipline
00:23:29.26\00:23:31.31
the young people there...
00:23:31.34\00:23:33.32
because I'm sure...
you have some issues...
00:23:33.36\00:23:35.62
where they have
to be disciplined...
00:23:35.66\00:23:37.20
Yes... discipline should
be "Cause and Effect... "
00:23:37.23\00:23:38.94
One of the writers in our
Church talks about that...
00:23:38.98\00:23:40.65
Discipline should
be... cause and effect...
00:23:40.68\00:23:41.95
we should give kids reasons
for doing certain things... OK
00:23:41.98\00:23:44.66
if the person gets
angry... and kicks the wall
00:23:44.70\00:23:48.54
and puts a hole
in the sheet rock...
00:23:48.58\00:23:50.26
the discipline
is... cause and effect...
00:23:50.29\00:23:51.90
he should repair it... put
the wall back the way it was
00:23:51.94\00:23:55.69
so he has to use his allowance
to buy sheet rock mud...
00:23:55.73\00:23:59.45
to fix it... and
we work with him...
00:23:59.49\00:24:01.07
until he fixes
it... so it might cost him
00:24:01.10\00:24:02.94
a hundred dollars...
fifty dollars... depending...
00:24:02.97\00:24:05.33
cause and effect... and the
child does not resent that...
00:24:05.36\00:24:08.48
if the child is angry and
frustrated and wants to get
00:24:08.52\00:24:10.97
into a fight... we
send him for a walk...
00:24:11.00\00:24:12.46
we call it a lap... we
have a lap that is little
00:24:12.50\00:24:15.19
less than half a
mile... he walks it...
00:24:15.22\00:24:17.23
he reduces his stress etc...
if a student curses you out...
00:24:17.26\00:24:21.48
we ask him to write an
essay, explaining how YOU feel
00:24:21.52\00:24:24.37
being cursed out... we
don't ask the child to write
00:24:24.40\00:24:27.22
an essay... apologizing...
00:24:27.26\00:24:28.71
it's irrelevant... we
ask him to write an essay
00:24:28.74\00:24:32.41
on how Dr. Lewis
feels... being cursed out...
00:24:32.44\00:24:36.07
And you'll be amazed
how difficult it is for me
00:24:36.11\00:24:38.54
to put myself in your
place... I curse you...
00:24:38.58\00:24:40.98
then I must now
write... how you feel...
00:24:41.01\00:24:42.91
Ah... so now
you're teaching empathy...
00:24:42.94\00:24:44.76
Exactly.. correct... empathy...
if he damages something
00:24:44.80\00:24:47.38
he pays for it... you know...
he suffers the consequences...
00:24:47.42\00:24:51.11
if he uses his money
to pay for something...
00:24:51.14\00:24:53.87
then he doesn't have
money... to go shopping...
00:24:53.91\00:24:56.60
so when "shopping time"
comes... he stays behind...
00:24:56.63\00:24:59.83
and if he stays behind...
he has to pay a babysitter
00:24:59.86\00:25:01.99
to stay with
him... Oh... hmmmm hmmmm
00:25:02.02\00:25:04.32
So it rolls... it
rolls... it's like you speed...
00:25:04.36\00:25:06.92
and then get a ticket...
it comes out of your budget...
00:25:06.95\00:25:09.46
your weekly budget... and
you might not have the money
00:25:09.50\00:25:11.48
this week to buy the
things you want to buy...
00:25:11.52\00:25:13.92
and you have to do
without... so it's a
00:25:13.95\00:25:15.88
"cause and
effect" relationship...
00:25:15.91\00:25:17.57
it's consequences...
and the more you can teach
00:25:17.61\00:25:19.94
consequences... the
wiser the child becomes...
00:25:19.97\00:25:22.52
Isn't that one of
the things that's missing
00:25:22.56\00:25:25.07
in raising
children? consequences...
00:25:25.38\00:25:28.08
Yes.. consequences...
If you do this...
00:25:28.12\00:25:30.78
this is going to happen...
and I'm not going to rescue you
00:25:30.82\00:25:34.23
No... you don't need
to rescue the child...
00:25:34.26\00:25:36.31
because it makes
sense now we call it...
00:25:36.34\00:25:38.60
"Teaching Maturity"
our program is called...
00:25:38.63\00:25:41.26
"Maturation
Therapy" we teach maturity...
00:25:41.30\00:25:44.07
maturity is
taught... and it is taught
00:25:44.10\00:25:46.80
through experience... I
don't give you maturity...
00:25:46.84\00:25:49.80
I let you experience
the things to be mature...
00:25:49.84\00:25:52.77
So... you know... we
like to see children play
00:25:52.80\00:25:55.57
"washing dishes" and
play... they're learning...
00:25:55.60\00:25:58.30
so you have to work with them,
you leave your bicycle outside
00:25:58.34\00:26:01.12
and it's stolen... you
suffer the consequences...
00:26:01.15\00:26:03.65
of course, that's too expensive,
so you pick up the bicycle
00:26:03.69\00:26:06.30
and charge the
child... five dollars
00:26:06.33\00:26:07.99
OK... See what I mean...
00:26:08.03\00:26:09.64
So you have to engineer it...
00:26:09.68\00:26:11.23
it's
deliberate... it's purposeful...
00:26:11.26\00:26:12.86
and there's a difference between
discipline and punishment...
00:26:12.89\00:26:15.84
most people confuse
them... most people say,
00:26:15.87\00:26:18.39
"I disciplined my
child... " What did you do?
00:26:18.42\00:26:20.90
"I spanked him... "
That's punishment...
00:26:20.94\00:26:22.65
Children don't
need to be punished...
00:26:22.68\00:26:24.27
but they need to
be disciplined...
00:26:24.31\00:26:25.78
That is... "Discipline
is a training of the mind"
00:26:25.82\00:26:28.28
Training of the
mind... so he gets anger...
00:26:28.32\00:26:31.74
you send him for a
walk... he walks it on...
00:26:31.77\00:26:33.69
he talks to himself...
and discovers that, you know,
00:26:33.73\00:26:35.74
when you're angry... you do
things that are self-destructive
00:26:35.77\00:26:39.40
such as put a hole in the wall,
such as.. punch the other person
00:26:39.43\00:26:43.02
such as... kick things
over... and these are the common
00:26:43.06\00:26:47.23
characteristics and
behaviors of these kids
00:26:47.27\00:26:49.14
who come to the Advent
Home. What did you do at home?
00:26:49.18\00:26:51.82
You slammed the door...
you kicked the furniture over
00:26:51.86\00:26:54.75
you put a hole in the
wall, you push your mother down.
00:26:54.78\00:26:57.64
How are they helping you?
So you work with the child
00:26:57.68\00:27:01.37
and then you talk
about these things...
00:27:01.40\00:27:02.85
so... it's very
purposeful... very meaningful...
00:27:02.89\00:27:04.89
It is... what you're doing is
00:27:04.92\00:27:08.51
so purposeful...
and so meaningful...
00:27:08.55\00:27:11.16
and so needed... we...
as we look at the erosion
00:27:11.20\00:27:14.99
of the family... we
see that... the father...
00:27:15.02\00:27:18.83
it used to be where we thought
00:27:18.86\00:27:20.78
well the mother
played the central role...
00:27:20.82\00:27:23.09
but you know what?
that dad is critical...
00:27:23.13\00:27:25.33
he is as critical... if
not more.. than the mother...
00:27:25.37\00:27:28.61
because he sets the tone...
he teaches a male to be a man,
00:27:28.64\00:27:33.61
I don't
believe... a woman can teach
00:27:33.64\00:27:36.46
a male to be a man...
They are different roles...
00:27:36.50\00:27:38.94
Yes... They are
different roles...
00:27:38.98\00:27:40.44
One writer says...
the child in the womb...
00:27:40.48\00:27:42.88
responds to the
fathers deep voice
00:27:42.92\00:27:45.43
and it gives a
sense of security...
00:27:45.47\00:27:47.32
My... so even in the womb the
father gives a sense of security
00:27:47.36\00:27:51.70
Yes... the child interacts
with the parents before birth...
00:27:51.73\00:27:56.04
Wow! Thank you so much
00:27:56.07\00:27:57.68
thank you so much
for being with us...
00:27:57.72\00:27:59.85
You're welcome...
00:27:59.88\00:28:00.91
Once again... our time
has slipped away from us...
00:28:00.95\00:28:03.48
thanks so much for tuning in...
00:28:03.52\00:28:04.58
Join us next time...
00:28:04.61\00:28:05.64
It just wouldn't be
the same... without you...
00:28:05.68\00:28:08.21