Have you ever
cheated on your spouse...
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Do you think your
loved one is cheating on you?
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Well, stay tuned and hear from
one of the Nation's most famous
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marriage counselors...
find out how to make your
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marriage sizzle...
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My name is Yvonne
Lewis and you're watching
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Urban Report...
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Hello and welcome
to Urban Report...
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According to a
recent Barnett Study
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four out of ten Americans
feel that adultery is acceptable
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among
Christian... one out of ten...
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over a third of married men
will cheat on their wives...
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nearly a quarter of all
married women will cheat
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on their husbands...
nearly 50 percent of all
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marriages will be
impacted by a cheating spouse,
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my guest today is
Dr. Willard Harley...
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Dr. Harley is a
Licensed Clinical Psychologist,
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Founder and President
of Marriage Builders...
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and best-selling
author of 18 books on marriage
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that have been
translated into 22 languages...
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Dr. Harley hosts a
Call-in Radio Program...
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"Marriage Builders"
and he is the Creator of
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marriagebuilders. com
website... where he offers
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practical solutions to
almost any marital problem...
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Welcome to Urban
Report Dr. Harley...
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I'm delighted to be
with you this afternoon...
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you know... you are
such an expert on marriages
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and it's... you've
written 18 books about
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marriage... and one
thing that I noticed
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when I was reading
"His Needs, Her Needs"
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which I just think is
just an outstanding book...
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I just want to quote
something that you said...
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and I'd like to discuss
it with you for a second...
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you said, when you
married your wife Joyce...
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you determined to be
totally committed to her
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and to your marriage...
you remained true to your vows
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for 48 years of
marriage but it's not because
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you're some kind of
iron-willed paragon of virtue
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it's because you and
Joyce have been realistic
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about meeting each other's
important emotional needs
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and you've never let
someone outside of your marriage
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meet those needs... I
think that is such a critical
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point... let's
talk about "needs"
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the needs that
people have in marriage
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what's different
about what he needs
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from what... she needs...
His Needs and Her Needs...
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Yeah... let me
start out by just saying
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that when I first got
into marriage counseling...
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I understood that men
and women were different...
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but I didn't understand
that those differences made the
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emotional needs so different...
I assumed that Joyce would have
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essentially the same
emotional needs that I had...
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and that I would have
the same as she had...
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and it was only after I
did quite a bit of research
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on what it was that
made women happy in marriage
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and what it was that
made men happy in marriage,
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that I came to the realization
that our emotional needs
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are just so vastly
different from each other
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that I began to
understand why it is...
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that husbands and wives
had such a difficult time
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getting along with each other
they're not at all alike...
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now, that may sound
like something obvious...
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men and women are
not at all alike...
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but when I was writing this
book people were trying to argue
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that men and women
were alike, Hmmm...
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especially in the '70s...
before this book was written...
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I wrote it in
1985... and even in 1985,
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people were trying say,
"Don't say that men and women
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are different... or that they
have different emotional needs
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because we want men
and women to be equal... "
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Hmmm... well... I'm all in favor
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of men and women being
equal... but men and women
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aren't the same...
they are two entirely
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different issues... so,
in order to make a marriage
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in order to make
a marriage great...
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from my perspective
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as a marriage counselor...
you really have to understand
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the person you're married
to... and say to that person
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"Tell me what I can
do to make you happy... "
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Ah... And chances are...
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it's not going
to be the same thing
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that would make you
happy. Very interesting...
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so, you found
then... that women have
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a kind of hierarchy of needs
and men have a different set...
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what's a
woman's number one need?
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Generally speaking, I
would say there are two
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that kind of come together...
they are... affection
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and what I call
"Intimate Conversation"
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to some extent... the
two can't be separated...
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but they are
different emotional needs...
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"Affection" of
course is symbols of care...
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a woman wants to know...
that a man is going to be there
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for her when she needs
him... that she can feel secure
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in the knowledge
that he is a caring person
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toward her...
intimate conversation
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is the expression of the
things that are important to you
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the things that are personal...
and women want to be able
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to talk to a man
about the things that are
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on their mind...
things that they're doing...
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things that they've done...
things that they're planning...
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and if you do
that... in a marriage...
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you end up
bonding with that woman...
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that has this emotional need...
so as a man... I'm saying this
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if I can figure
out... what Joyce needs
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as far as affection is concerned
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and if I can figure out
what she needs as far as
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intimate
conversation is concerned
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and I become an expert at
doing both of those things...
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she will be in love
with me, I will make her
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a person who is
so attracted to me...
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that she will feel
passion toward me...
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now, I've told a lot of men...
I said, "It's just that simple"
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you don't have to do a
whole lot more than that...
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I'm an engineer in
spirit and so I say,
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"What's the easiest way
for a man to get a woman
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to fall in love
with him... to be happy?"
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to me... I'm not interested
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in all the
different ways of doing it...
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I want to know the
easiest way of doing it...
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and so I'm saying
that "This is it...
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this is the
easiest way to get a woman
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to fall in love with you...
express your affection for her
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and be able to talk
with her intimately...
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and those two needs...
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we talk about 5
needs... but technically...
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if you can meet those two needs
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chances are... she'll
fall in love with you...
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Now that is so
interesting, you know...
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because well I'm
single but... I can think back
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on my married
life... and, you know,
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if your husband comes in
and just picks up the paper
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and you say, "How're
you doing how was your day?"
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and you just get
a... "Oh, it was okay... "
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but you don't get
that depth of conversation
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that depth... that
emotional investment
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you can feel...
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an emptiness there...
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Yeah... and so, that's really
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interesting... so, affection...
and intimate conversation...
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those are the two main things
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that if a guy is watching today
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and he feels somewhat
disconnected from his wife...
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or his girlfriend that
he's marrying or whatever...
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if he wants to
really win her heart...
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those are the two primary
things that he needs to really
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zero in on... affection
and intimate conversation
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Yeah... "I care about you
and I will be there for you
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when you need me and I
will be able to talk with you
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when you want to talk with me"
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that kind of a thing is
what bonds a woman to a man,
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and when the man says,
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"I'm sorry... I don't
have time to talk with you"
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or if he says, "I'm just
not the affectionate type"
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he can forget about
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having a passionate
relationship with his wife
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or any other
woman for that matter...
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Hmmm... okay...
okay... so now...
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you've hit on something
else... what then... if a woman
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really wants her husband to
really be in love with her...
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what should she do...
what are his main needs?
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Well, there
again... there are two...
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but these are very different...
one is sexual fulfillment
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and that should be no
surprise to anybody...
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men just generally
want to make love...
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they want to have a
sexual relationship in life...
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and they have chosen a
woman who they are particularly
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attracted to...
and if that woman
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is a willing participant...
in his sexual need...
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generally speaking...
he is pretty happy...
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there's another need though
that I put a lot of emphasis on
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and that is
"recreational companionship"
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she needs to be
his leisure partner
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when he is
resting... and he is relaxing...
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and he is enjoying himself,
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and he is not pushing
himself to accomplish something,
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he wants her to be with
him, to enjoy his time...
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apart from his work... Hmmm...
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think about dating...
what did you do when you dated?
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When you dated... a
man was affectionate
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a man was conversant...
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and a woman... she was
his recreational companion
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there was also, of course, a
great deal of sexual attraction
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that he had... toward her...
those things come together
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in a very fulfilling
date... and from my perspective,
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if you don't continue
doing that after you're married,
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you're going to lose
the passion you had...
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that brought you into your
marriage in the first place...
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now, of course, and I
need to clear this up...
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because we're a
Christian Network...
00:10:25.00\00:10:26.51
we're not saying
that you should obtain
00:10:26.55\00:10:28.58
sexual fulfillment
prior to marriage...
00:10:28.61\00:10:30.66
Right... I'm just saying
that there is the hope... smile
00:10:30.69\00:10:33.60
Yvonne: you're
talking about attraction...
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I just want to make
sure because you know...
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we get e-mails
and all that stuff...
00:10:37.78\00:10:39.51
so I just want to make
sure... let's just make sure
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that our viewers
know... you're not saying that
00:10:42.30\00:10:44.87
for sexual fulfillment... should
take place prior to marriage
00:10:44.91\00:10:49.82
he's talking about
the attraction though...
00:10:49.85\00:10:51.47
the attraction that's
there that got you to marry
00:10:51.51\00:10:53.86
the person that you married...
00:10:53.90\00:10:55.75
once you're married...
then the sexual fulfillment
00:10:55.79\00:10:58.42
really is to take place
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and is to
continue... it's to begin...
00:11:00.27\00:11:04.12
we don't want it to
continue, we want it to begin
00:11:04.16\00:11:08.51
after marriage... so
I just want to make sure
00:11:08.54\00:11:11.41
we got that
straight... Dr. Will...
00:11:11.44\00:11:14.08
Yep... I agree...
00:11:14.12\00:11:16.12
So, then... you
should be able to have fun...
00:11:16.16\00:11:19.23
with your spouse,
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that is really
what you're saying,
00:11:21.67\00:11:23.38
when you're
husband's not working...
00:11:23.42\00:11:25.06
you should be able
to hang out, have fun...
00:11:25.09\00:11:27.32
do fun things together...
and enjoy each other's company.
00:11:27.36\00:11:31.02
Is that what you're saying?
00:11:31.05\00:11:32.35
Yeah... a
recreational relationship
00:11:32.38\00:11:35.38
and a sexual relationship
00:11:35.41\00:11:37.25
to a husband...
is romance... Ah...
00:11:37.28\00:11:40.75
if you ask a man,
00:11:40.78\00:11:42.20
"Tell me what a romantic
experience would be... "
00:11:42.23\00:11:45.18
I often use the illustration of
watching football on television
00:11:45.21\00:11:52.32
and making love...
during half time...
00:11:52.36\00:11:54.62
that is a romantic
experience for a husband...
00:11:54.65\00:11:58.29
Yvonne is laughing...
00:11:58.32\00:12:00.08
for a wife... it's walking
on the beach on a moonlit night
00:12:00.12\00:12:05.15
holding hands...
00:12:05.18\00:12:07.51
hugging and kissing...
00:12:07.54\00:12:09.21
and talking to each
other, about the things
00:12:09.25\00:12:12.29
that are important to
each other that's romance...
00:12:12.33\00:12:14.86
it's a very
different vision of romance...
00:12:14.89\00:12:17.33
so, when you date
as a married couple...
00:12:17.36\00:12:19.79
you should do...
all four of those things
00:12:19.82\00:12:22.18
that way... both spouses
get their emotional needs met...
00:12:22.22\00:12:26.09
That is so interesting...
so, let's talk a little bit
00:12:26.13\00:12:29.99
about the "Love Bank"
00:12:30.02\00:12:31.87
because you mentioned this
00:12:31.91\00:12:33.95
in the book... and it's
a very important concept
00:12:33.99\00:12:36.74
what is the "Love Bank"
00:12:36.77\00:12:38.42
and what is it's
significance in a relationship?
00:12:38.46\00:12:41.89
Well, it's the way I
helped couples understand
00:12:41.92\00:12:45.32
how to keep their
marriage romantic...
00:12:45.35\00:12:51.06
and how they could keep the love
00:12:51.10\00:12:53.41
that they had for each other,
and I used, as an illustration,
00:12:53.44\00:12:57.19
something I made up...
which I call the "Love Bank"
00:12:57.22\00:13:01.03
which tells couples
that they affect each other
00:13:01.06\00:13:04.80
in everything that they do...
they are either making deposits
00:13:04.83\00:13:09.21
or they're making withdrawals
throughout the day...
00:13:09.25\00:13:12.44
if they're meeting
each other's emotional needs
00:13:12.48\00:13:15.64
they're making gigantic deposits
00:13:15.67\00:13:17.86
and if you make enough
deposits, you break through
00:13:17.89\00:13:21.52
what I call the
"Romantic Love Threshold"
00:13:21.56\00:13:23.78
and if you break
through that threshold...
00:13:23.82\00:13:25.87
you are "in love"
it's an experience
00:13:25.91\00:13:29.68
that Joyce and I have
had now for 49 years...
00:13:29.72\00:13:32.27
we're celebrating our
50th wedding anniversary
00:13:32.31\00:13:34.83
this year... we
have never had a month...
00:13:34.86\00:13:38.41
through our entire life...
00:13:38.45\00:13:40.27
that we have not
been passionately
00:13:40.30\00:13:42.08
in love with each
other... Oh, that's wonderful!
00:13:42.12\00:13:44.27
How is that possible?
00:13:44.30\00:13:45.46
It is that we have met
00:13:45.50\00:13:47.76
met each other's emotional needs
00:13:47.80\00:13:49.85
throughout that entire
fifty years that we've been
00:13:49.88\00:13:52.43
married... and
we've been able to keep
00:13:52.46\00:13:54.06
our "Love Bank"
accounts above that
00:13:54.10\00:13:55.66
"Romantic Love Threshold"
00:13:55.70\00:13:56.76
Wow! that is so incredible...
because a lot of people
00:13:56.79\00:14:02.34
can't make it past
the 3- year or 5-year mark
00:14:02.37\00:14:05.65
and here you guys
are at fifty... almost...
00:14:05.68\00:14:08.92
how many years did you say?
00:14:08.96\00:14:10.62
Fifty years this year...
Fifty years! that's incredible!
00:14:10.65\00:14:14.35
But you can understand
why a person would fail...
00:14:14.39\00:14:18.71
I mean, the question is,
00:14:18.74\00:14:20.05
"Why can't they
keep their love alive?"
00:14:20.09\00:14:22.75
the answer is...
"They are failing to meet
00:14:22.79\00:14:24.90
each other's
important emotional needs... "
00:14:24.93\00:14:27.00
and all you have
to do is ask them...
00:14:27.04\00:14:28.79
"How are you doing...
00:14:28.82\00:14:30.14
when it comes to affection?"
00:14:30.18\00:14:31.68
"How are you
doing... when it comes to
00:14:31.72\00:14:33.62
intimate conversation?"
00:14:33.66\00:14:34.82
"How are you doing... when
it comes to sexual fulfillment?"
00:14:34.85\00:14:37.29
"How are you
doing when it comes to
00:14:37.33\00:14:38.48
'Recreational Companionship'?"
and they'll tell you
00:14:38.52\00:14:40.60
we have lost our
connection in those areas...
00:14:40.64\00:14:45.14
"We've become so busy...
we don't have time anymore
00:14:45.17\00:14:48.04
to meet those
emotional needs... "
00:14:48.08\00:14:49.88
And you know what, Dr. Will,
00:14:49.92\00:14:51.26
I think that that
is the key word...
00:14:51.30\00:14:53.34
the operative word
right there is "connection"...
00:14:53.38\00:14:56.55
because so many times...
people lose their connection
00:14:56.59\00:14:59.69
and it's so hard to re-connect,
because they begin to build
00:14:59.72\00:15:03.65
relationships
outside of the marriage...
00:15:03.69\00:15:06.98
to meet those needs...
that the marriage isn't meeting
00:15:07.01\00:15:10.07
and that's how...
"affairs" get started...
00:15:10.11\00:15:12.34
Let's talk a little
bit about affairs...
00:15:12.37\00:15:14.56
How does an affair start?
00:15:14.60\00:15:16.37
An affair generally
starts as a friendship...
00:15:16.40\00:15:19.45
an affair starts innocently...
affairs often start in Church...
00:15:19.48\00:15:25.55
on our Radio Show today...
00:15:25.58\00:15:26.85
Joyce and I
talked about a couple...
00:15:26.89\00:15:29.94
where the wife
had fallen in love
00:15:29.97\00:15:32.96
with somebody that
she knew in the Choir
00:15:32.99\00:15:35.70
and that's a very
common thing the question is,
00:15:35.74\00:15:38.62
"How is that possible?"
Well, if you understand
00:15:38.66\00:15:41.48
what makes "Love Bank" deposits
affection, intimate conversation
00:15:41.51\00:15:47.00
that's what this
fellow was doing...
00:15:47.03\00:15:49.82
he was meeting her
needs for affection
00:15:49.86\00:15:52.58
and intimate conversation
because she was talking about
00:15:52.62\00:15:55.16
the problems she
was having in life
00:15:55.20\00:15:56.58
he showed a lot of care,
he showed a lot of interest
00:15:56.62\00:15:59.34
in her... and
one day she woke up
00:15:59.38\00:16:01.17
and says... you know...
"I'm in love with this man... "
00:16:01.20\00:16:03.35
Hmmm... you see...
so here is the point
00:16:03.38\00:16:06.64
and this is very, very important
not only do you have to meet
00:16:06.67\00:16:11.15
each other's important
emotional needs in marriage...
00:16:11.18\00:16:13.63
but you have to
protect your "Love Bank"
00:16:13.66\00:16:16.47
from outside
intruders... Hmmm...
00:16:16.51\00:16:19.30
by that... I mean...
don't let anyone else
00:16:19.33\00:16:22.32
meet those emotional
needs or you'll end up
00:16:22.35\00:16:25.30
falling in love
with the wrong person
00:16:25.34\00:16:27.59
Wow! so in her
case... she should not
00:16:27.62\00:16:29.80
have been talking to him
about her personal problems...
00:16:29.84\00:16:32.54
she should not have
had affection with him...
00:16:32.58\00:16:36.04
she should not have let him
00:16:36.08\00:16:37.62
make so many deposits
00:16:37.65\00:16:39.48
that she eventually
would fall in love with him...
00:16:39.51\00:16:42.82
so there are two parts to this,
00:16:42.85\00:16:44.23
Number one is... you got to make
the deposits in your marriage,
00:16:44.26\00:16:46.71
Number two is... don't let
anybody else make those deposits
00:16:46.74\00:16:50.46
That is so critical and I think
00:16:50.50\00:16:53.14
now with the internet and e-mail
00:16:53.17\00:16:55.78
people begin to
e-mail each other
00:16:55.82\00:16:58.40
and then they begin to...
again... they're making those
00:16:58.43\00:17:01.61
deposits through
e-mail... and then they have
00:17:01.64\00:17:04.77
conversations...
and it just blows up...
00:17:04.80\00:17:07.31
I remember a situation
where there was a pastor
00:17:07.34\00:17:11.97
who was very, very...
his marriage was just...
00:17:12.00\00:17:16.56
he really had a solid marriage,
and from what I understand
00:17:16.59\00:17:21.46
he would not... if he
had an attractive woman
00:17:21.49\00:17:25.08
in his congregation,
if she e-mailed him once
00:17:25.11\00:17:28.67
he would return
it if it was about
00:17:28.70\00:17:30.64
something that had
to do with the Church...
00:17:30.67\00:17:33.41
but if it looked as though
that was becoming a pattern,
00:17:33.44\00:17:38.41
he'd cut it right
off... and I think that
00:17:38.45\00:17:40.86
we have to put those boundaries
around our marriages...
00:17:40.89\00:17:44.66
to protect them... otherwise,
00:17:44.69\00:17:46.55
you're just really vulnerable
and Satan knows how to
00:17:46.59\00:17:50.85
starve you out at
home, and then send somebody
00:17:50.89\00:17:54.12
on the side... that is
going to meet those needs
00:17:54.16\00:17:57.36
so we really have
to set up boundaries...
00:17:57.39\00:18:00.31
around our
marriages... and so...
00:18:00.34\00:18:04.21
let's talk a little
bit about reconnecting...
00:18:04.25\00:18:07.92
where people have
been so disconnected
00:18:07.95\00:18:11.05
that they are no longer...
00:18:11.09\00:18:12.65
they no longer love
each other they feel like...
00:18:12.69\00:18:15.54
"You know what... I
don't love my spouse anymore...
00:18:15.58\00:18:18.36
we're just not connecting...
we don't have anything in common
00:18:18.40\00:18:23.20
I was really in love
when I got married...
00:18:23.24\00:18:25.09
and now I really just don't
want to be bothered at all... "
00:18:25.12\00:18:27.75
what are the first
steps that you can suggest
00:18:27.78\00:18:31.43
to reconnect after that
disconnection has taken place?
00:18:31.47\00:18:35.31
One of the things
that you have to understand
00:18:35.35\00:18:38.75
about romantic love
is that God has given us
00:18:38.78\00:18:42.15
a special boost
when we're in love...
00:18:42.18\00:18:45.41
that we don't have
when we're not in love...
00:18:45.45\00:18:47.85
and the boost is... we
instinctively want to meet
00:18:47.88\00:18:53.73
emotional needs that
will keep us in love...
00:18:53.77\00:18:57.71
so, a woman in love, is
instinctively willing to make
00:18:57.74\00:19:03.28
love to her husband...
she's instinctively willing
00:19:03.32\00:19:06.53
to join him in
recreational activities...
00:19:06.57\00:19:09.43
a man in love is
instinctively affectionate
00:19:09.47\00:19:12.27
and instinctively interested
in talking to her intimately,
00:19:12.30\00:19:16.98
when they're not in love,
you lose those instincts...
00:19:17.01\00:19:21.23
so the question is...
from the Engineer... that I am
00:19:21.27\00:19:25.45
"How do you re-create love?"
00:19:25.48\00:19:28.17
What you do is...
you prime the pump...
00:19:28.21\00:19:30.28
the husband becomes an
affectionate husband...
00:19:30.32\00:19:34.48
he does what it takes to
be affectionate with his wife,
00:19:34.52\00:19:37.82
he talks to her...
intimately... he shows interest
00:19:37.85\00:19:41.59
in the issues and the topics
that are important to her...
00:19:41.63\00:19:45.29
she makes love to him,
00:19:45.32\00:19:47.71
she joins him in
recreational activities
00:19:47.75\00:19:50.61
they start making a
lot of "Love Bank" deposits
00:19:50.64\00:19:54.01
not because they're in
love, but because they are
00:19:54.05\00:19:57.38
doing the things
that create romantic love
00:19:57.42\00:20:00.26
and one day
they wake up and say,
00:20:00.29\00:20:02.94
"We are in love with each other"
and then everything takes off
00:20:02.98\00:20:07.43
everything becomes automatic.
00:20:07.47\00:20:09.19
Wow, see... I think that
offers such hope to people...
00:20:09.22\00:20:15.74
to couples that
are just struggling...
00:20:15.77\00:20:18.35
I mean... there are so many...
00:20:18.38\00:20:20.88
I know a very
few happy marriages,
00:20:20.92\00:20:25.31
and that is such a sad
thing especially, you know,
00:20:25.34\00:20:28.09
among Christians...
we're supposed to have such joy
00:20:28.12\00:20:30.33
and all of that...
but yet... you know...
00:20:30.37\00:20:33.01
I know so many people who are
so miserable in their marriages
00:20:33.05\00:20:36.64
and it's so unfortunate...
and I think what you're doing...
00:20:36.68\00:20:40.24
is such a blessing... in
fact... I'd like to put up
00:20:40.28\00:20:43.61
a copy of a picture of
your book in just a second
00:20:43.65\00:20:46.92
so that our viewers can see a
copy of "His Needs, Her Needs"
00:20:46.95\00:20:51.83
you've sold over 2
million copies of this book,
00:20:51.86\00:20:56.77
so it must say something...
it must really speak
00:20:56.81\00:21:01.68
of the need...
and it has to offer
00:21:01.72\00:21:05.16
great solutions
00:21:05.20\00:21:06.46
you know... you want to
build an affair-proof marriage
00:21:06.50\00:21:10.66
and that's been your
goal... tell us, if you would,
00:21:10.70\00:21:14.83
give us a situation
where a marriage was in deep,
00:21:14.86\00:21:19.19
deep trouble and then
they were able to apply
00:21:19.22\00:21:21.72
these principles
and turn it around...
00:21:21.75\00:21:23.53
To be honest with you, we have
00:21:23.57\00:21:27.11
hundreds of
thousands of these cases...
00:21:27.15\00:21:31.76
we had somebody on the radio
00:21:32.72\00:21:35.30
just the other
day that called in
00:21:35.34\00:21:36.98
that said that they wanted to
00:21:37.01\00:21:40.10
express their success
story... we have so many people
00:21:40.13\00:21:43.87
that call in... that
are having real problems
00:21:43.91\00:21:46.52
and we had them
on for the whole hour
00:21:46.55\00:21:49.26
and she mentioned the fact
that she had fallen in love
00:21:49.30\00:21:54.87
with somebody that she
had known in high school
00:21:54.90\00:21:57.31
she went to a
high school reunion...
00:21:57.35\00:21:58.70
fell back in love
with a former boyfriend...
00:21:58.74\00:22:03.39
that she had met... and
she started seeing that person
00:22:03.43\00:22:08.67
even though he was
living 750 miles away
00:22:08.71\00:22:11.64
she would make
trips to where he lived,
00:22:11.67\00:22:14.53
they got together...
they started having an affair
00:22:14.57\00:22:17.24
and her husband...
00:22:17.28\00:22:20.03
who found out about it...
00:22:20.07\00:22:22.64
he discovered the
affair, went to our website
00:22:22.68\00:22:25.76
and started reading the
material that we have there...
00:22:25.79\00:22:28.83
and got a copy of
"His Needs, Her Needs"
00:22:28.87\00:22:32.11
and started applying the
principles that we present
00:22:32.15\00:22:36.77
we also have another
book that I've written
00:22:36.81\00:22:39.61
"Surviving an Affair"
he went through the exact
00:22:39.64\00:22:42.96
procedure that we
recommend it wasn't more than
00:22:43.00\00:22:46.63
four months later...
that his wife came to him
00:22:46.66\00:22:50.26
and said, she's now willing to
00:22:50.30\00:22:53.19
work on the marriage,
to give up her relationship
00:22:53.22\00:22:56.01
with the other man, she
went through the process
00:22:56.04\00:22:58.79
of what we call,
"Going through the Fog"
00:22:58.83\00:23:01.71
where she was
willing to give up her family
00:23:01.74\00:23:04.59
she was willing
to give up her faith,
00:23:04.62\00:23:06.45
she was willing
to give up everything
00:23:06.49\00:23:08.25
to be with this
person she was in love with,
00:23:08.29\00:23:10.70
and the effort of her husband
helped her turn the corner
00:23:10.74\00:23:15.81
the things that
he did, convinced her
00:23:15.84\00:23:19.04
that in the final analysis,
he cared more about her
00:23:19.08\00:23:22.49
than anybody else, and
she was willing to give him
00:23:22.53\00:23:25.85
a chance... she made the comment
00:23:25.88\00:23:28.27
during the Program...
that she talked to her
00:23:28.31\00:23:30.89
12-year-old daughter recently...
00:23:30.93\00:23:33.33
and the daughter
looked at her and said...
00:23:33.37\00:23:35.52
"How could you
have done this to me...
00:23:35.56\00:23:37.88
how could you
have done this to me?"
00:23:37.91\00:23:39.95
and she said, "In all honesty...
00:23:39.99\00:23:41.95
I didn't think I
was doing it to her
00:23:41.99\00:23:44.91
I thought I was
just making a decision
00:23:44.94\00:23:47.83
that was good
for me... " Hmmm...
00:23:47.87\00:23:49.54
"but I am reminded now
00:23:49.57\00:23:52.36
of how incredibly destructive
that could have been...
00:23:52.40\00:23:56.07
if I had gone
with this other person
00:23:56.11\00:23:58.92
I would have ruined
the lives of my children,
00:23:58.96\00:24:01.39
I would have
destroyed my husband
00:24:01.43\00:24:04.43
and in the final analysis, I
would have ruined myself... "
00:24:04.47\00:24:07.75
Yes... "and it
was such an important
00:24:07.79\00:24:10.27
change that took
place in my life...
00:24:10.30\00:24:12.71
that I... from now on... "
and now she is an advocate of
00:24:12.75\00:24:17.69
"How to get through this mess"
that... as you mentioned...
00:24:17.73\00:24:21.81
fifty percent of all
marriages experience...
00:24:21.85\00:24:23.93
Wow, that is such a deep
thing, I think that people
00:24:23.96\00:24:29.65
that are involved in
affairs, don't realize
00:24:29.69\00:24:32.43
how incredibly selfish it
is... because it all focuses
00:24:32.46\00:24:36.22
they focus on themselves...
and what they need...
00:24:36.25\00:24:39.77
and not really looking at how
it destroys the entire family
00:24:39.80\00:24:44.51
And they try to imagine that
everybody will turn out okay...
00:24:44.54\00:24:49.21
Yes... yes... they try
to think their children
00:24:49.24\00:24:52.00
will be fine... their
husband will find somebody
00:24:52.03\00:24:54.72
I mean, it isn't going to
be that much of a disaster...
00:24:54.75\00:24:57.53
but all you have to do
is talk to a few people
00:24:57.57\00:24:59.93
that have been through
it and you realize that
00:24:59.97\00:25:02.53
it is, in fact, one
of the worst experiences
00:25:02.56\00:25:04.78
that anybody could
possibly have in life...
00:25:04.81\00:25:06.99
and it is
something that is important
00:25:07.03\00:25:09.64
enough... to
avoid... that the precautions
00:25:09.67\00:25:12.22
that we recommend are
absolutely essential...
00:25:12.25\00:25:15.86
you meet each other's important
emotional needs in marriage,
00:25:15.90\00:25:18.61
and you guard
yourself so that somebody else
00:25:18.65\00:25:22.03
doesn't end up
meeting them for you...
00:25:22.06\00:25:24.43
that is a critical piece...
00:25:24.47\00:25:27.60
you make sure...
00:25:27.64\00:25:29.29
those two things...
you make sure that you meet
00:25:29.32\00:25:31.81
your spouse's
needs... and you make sure
00:25:31.85\00:25:34.52
that you guard... you
safe-guard that marriage
00:25:34.55\00:25:37.91
you put up a wall
around that marriage
00:25:37.94\00:25:40.53
to protect it...
from intrusion...
00:25:40.56\00:25:43.08
Dr. Harley, I can't
believe that our time is up...
00:25:43.11\00:25:46.18
you have been such
an incredible guest
00:25:46.22\00:25:49.31
I'm going to get
you to commit now
00:25:49.35\00:25:51.64
to coming back again sometime...
00:25:51.67\00:25:53.89
in front of all the
viewers I'm going to get you to
00:25:53.92\00:25:57.06
commit... I'm
putting you on the spot...
00:25:57.10\00:25:59.45
I will do that...
I'd be delighted...
00:25:59.49\00:26:01.81
Thank you so much
00:26:01.84\00:26:03.15
and give my
regards to Joyce as well...
00:26:03.19\00:26:05.50
I will...
00:26:05.53\00:26:06.94
Dr. Harley gave us some great
information today... didn't he?
00:26:06.98\00:26:12.12
I hope and pray
that you'll be able to
00:26:12.15\00:26:14.13
take that information and
apply it to your relationship
00:26:14.16\00:26:17.48
his website again is...
www. marriagebuilders. com
00:26:17.52\00:26:23.04
go to his
website... check it out
00:26:23.07\00:26:25.35
and you can get some really
practical advice from him...
00:26:25.38\00:26:29.52
In the Ten
Commandments, God tells us
00:26:29.56\00:26:32.56
not to commit adultery...
this is really a form of
00:26:32.60\00:26:35.95
protection for us... so
many people are involved
00:26:35.98\00:26:39.26
in the breakup of a marriage,
there's always... always...
00:26:39.30\00:26:43.51
a consequence to disobedience,
if you're in an affair now
00:26:43.54\00:26:47.72
I pray that you
will turn away from it
00:26:47.75\00:26:50.12
before you and your
family are destroyed...
00:26:50.16\00:26:52.87
you can make your
marriage come back to life
00:26:52.91\00:26:55.65
as you've seen
today... and God will give you
00:26:55.69\00:26:58.39
the help that
you need to do so...
00:26:58.43\00:27:00.97
you can re-connect
with your spouse...
00:27:01.00\00:27:03.55
and make that
marriage sizzle again...
00:27:03.59\00:27:05.85
you can ask God to
help you and to bring you
00:27:05.89\00:27:09.53
to that place of
connection, that place where
00:27:09.56\00:27:13.13
you can be one again...
God has a perfect plan for you
00:27:13.17\00:27:18.28
and he wants that
marriage to work...
00:27:18.31\00:27:20.92
because the Word says
that God hates divorce...
00:27:20.96\00:27:23.65
but He will bring you through...
00:27:23.68\00:27:27.19
Love is an action word
it's not just a feeling
00:27:27.23\00:27:32.90
many times... we don't
even have the feeling anymore...
00:27:32.94\00:27:36.61
but we can do something
00:27:36.65\00:27:38.92
we can act in a loving way...
00:27:38.95\00:27:40.93
and actually...
when you act lovingly,
00:27:40.97\00:27:44.08
you can actually re-kindle love,
00:27:44.11\00:27:46.32
again... love is in the
details so do something sweet
00:27:46.35\00:27:50.59
for the one you
love, do something kind
00:27:50.62\00:27:52.67
even if you're not
really feeling it...
00:27:52.70\00:27:54.68
well, we've come to the
end of another Program...
00:27:54.71\00:27:57.96
thanks for watching...
00:27:57.99\00:27:59.68
it just wouldn't be
the same without you...
00:27:59.72\00:28:02.70