The following program
discusses sensitive issues.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Welcome to the New Journey.
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Today, we meet a young
woman who transported drugs,
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but now minister the
word of God to young people.
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Find out how? Join
us on the New Journey.
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Welcome back to the New Journey.
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On today's program, we
have Britney Carter with us.
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Welcome, Britney Carter.
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Thank you. It's a
pleasure to be here.
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Okay, okay.
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What we want to start
with is some general questions.
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First of all how old are you?
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I'm 27 years old.
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Okay and where you from?
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I'm from North
Carolina, in between Whitesboro,
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New Jersey and North
Carolina, I was raised.
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Okay, okay, okay.
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So, your mother and your father,
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they divorced when they
were, when you were young age?
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Yes.
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How did that make
you feel internally?
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Oh, man, I felt
alone because of the issues
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that they were going through.
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They kind of
somewhat neglected my emotion
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or what I had to deal with,
with my home being separated.
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So I was sent to North
Carolina with my grandmother
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and I was lonely.
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And I really didn't
have anybody to play with.
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My brother and sister
were still with my parents.
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I was sad, I was
confused, I didn't understand
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a lot of things
that were happening.
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You know, it's
interesting there's a,
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there's a lot of
young people that,
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you know, they
grow up in homes that
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mothers and
fathers have divorced.
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And, you know,
they're often left with that
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alone feeling or did
I do something wrong.
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Absolutely. To cause
my parents to divorce.
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Did you ever have
that kind of feeling like
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maybe you were the cause of it?
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Well, no, I never
felt like I was the cause
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because we went
through a lot as a family
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because of the
lifestyle that my parents led.
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So, I had a good understanding
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of why my parents
were not together anymore.
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So, I didn't feel the blame,
but I was affected by it still.
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Okay, okay.
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Now, your
mother and your father,
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they were
recreational drug users.
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Yes.
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Do you think that that,
that kind of propelled you
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into the lifestyle of selling
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and using drugs
later on in life?
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Absolutely. Okay.
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It definitely did
because that was what I knew.
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And even though as I grew
older I knew it was wrong.
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It was one of those
things where you say.
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"Well, I know it's
not okay to do this
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but I mean, it's okay to do it."
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You know, I'm gonna do it
because that's what I'm used to
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and I know that if I do this,
I'm not gonna lack anything.
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What were some of the drugs
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that your mother and father used
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that you would see them
using as you were growing up?
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I never saw them with my own
eyes using drugs, using them.
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I saw the drugs. It
was cocaine and marijuana.
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But, you know, I
find it under the bed
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or several times my door
was broken down by the police.
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And they'd find it in
different places in the house
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or will get
pulled over by the cops.
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I'll see my mom like
stuffing the diaper bag,
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so she can try to
hide it so I saw it,
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but I didn't know until I
got older that they were users.
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Okay, so as a young
person when you would see
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these police officers
knocking down your door,
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did that kind of
instilled a fear in you,
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or a little bit unrest
of not sure what's going on?
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Definitely, definitely unrest.
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Not really a
fear because I mean,
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I didn't understand the
consequence at the time.
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So, it was like an
uneasy feeling all the time,
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uncomfortable
feeling not knowing
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when something big might happen
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because this major to be sitting
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in the living room at
home watching a movie.
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You know, everybody
is laid out on the floor
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and all of a
sudden bam, you know,
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your door is knocked down.
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Door knocked down,
police come running in.
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So, it's just
like, "Oh, my gosh.
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When is that
going to happen again?
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Okay. Is it
going to happen again?
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It's scary. You informed me.
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That you had been
molested at a young age.
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Talk about that a little bit?
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It started when I was
maybe about five years old.
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Okay.
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And we went to visit
some family in New York.
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And there was a bunch of us
and everybody was on the floor
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with blankets, and
pillows, and sleeping
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and I remember
waking up to that feeling
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of somebody
touching me down there.
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And when I looked up,
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it was actually
one of my uncles.
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And he was laying beside me,
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and he was
trying to penetrate me
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while I was lying down.
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Now, did that happen
repeatedly through life or...?
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From him, that
was the only time.
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Okay.
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It happened later when
I moved to North Carolina
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after my parents' divorce
by my grandmother's husband.
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So, as a young person going
through something like that,
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how does that make
you feel emotionally?
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Oh, my gosh.
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That's when you feel
like what have I done.
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Okay. To cause
this to happen to me.
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So, it's kind of like you
start to blame yourself for.
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You do, you
start to blame yourself
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because you're trying to
figure out like what did I do.
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You know, why, why did
they decide to do this to me.
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It's a very scary feeling,
and living in a lifestyle
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with my parents being, you know,
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drug users and sellers,
you see a lot of violence.
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So, it's almost like, you know,
I don't want to say anything
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because I'm afraid of
what's going to happen
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that you constantly live in fear
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because it destroys
your trust for anybody.
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Okay. Okay,
that's understandable.
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You know, I've
heard many people say that
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they were molested, many females
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molested at a young age.
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And then it's hard to
maintain relationships
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with men later on in life
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due to what has
happened in the past.
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Has that been kind of your
case throughout life or...?
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Not really. Okay.
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I didn't entrust that well.
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I had the same
boyfriend from the time
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that I was 14 until I was 25.
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He died in a car accident.
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I didn't have an issue with
maintaining the relationship,
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I had an issue with trust.
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Trust, okay.
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And I was constantly worrying,
or constantly accusing,
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or constantly
blaming, never settled,
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never happy, never at peace.
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You know, the
trust was just not there
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along with several other things
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that happened throughout
the years following that.
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That's understandable.
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Now, you told
me that your mother
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was eventually
in a car accident.
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Yes. And it left her blind.
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It did.
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How did that affect
your life when that happened?
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That actually
pulled me closer to God.
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Okay.
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I want to say, I was maybe
about nine or ten years old.
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I want to say, I was nine,
it was about a year after her,
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my mom, her and
my, father divorced.
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Okay.
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And I didn't know
what happened at first,
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it was like a big secret.
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You know, I kept saying, "Gosh!
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Why haven't I heard from
my mom, she hasn't called?
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I'm all the way
here in North Carolina."
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And the thing that
I hope for every day
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was to hear from my
mom, so a time spent went
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by where I didn't
hear from her for a while.
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And I was like, "Gosh!
I wonder what's going on."
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So, I actually had a
cousin that said, "Yeah,
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your mom was in the
car accident, she's blind."
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I'm like, "No, she's not."
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And I remember
getting so angry and so mad
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because he said that,
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but then my
grandmother broke down
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and she told me the truth.
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And she said that
she was in the accident.
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The airbag burst and it
broke the glass in her frames,
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and it went into her eyes.
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So the glass
shattered into her eyes.
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The glass
shattered into her eyes
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and they said that she would
never be able to see again.
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And from that point on
is where I remember learning
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how to pray every day.
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Okay. Like that became my thing.
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You know, I went
to church sometimes
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but it was like day,
morning, noon, night,
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you know, while I'm in school,
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I was constantly
thinking about it.
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And it was like just talking
to God all day every day.
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Okay, now, you
eventually got into drugs
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like your mother
and father used drugs
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when you were younger.
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At what age did you kind of
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become involved
with using drugs?
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Fourteen. Okay.
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And I know for most
folks that use drugs,
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it's generally at a young age.
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I know for myself, I started
when I was about 15 years old
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and, you know, it's kind
of like this downhill spiral.
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So, at 14 you
started using drugs.
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What were some of those
drugs you were involved with?
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The only drug I
used was marijuana.
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Okay.
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And I don't want
to simplify that,
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because that was
quite too much, is it?
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Marijuana is being a simplified,
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but it is an issue and
it was an addiction for me.
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Okay. Yes.
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Now you eventually got
into transporting drugs
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with your then boyfriend.
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How did all of that transpire?
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Well, he grew up pretty much
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in the same
lifestyle that I did.
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Okay.
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So, that was what he
did, when he got to a age
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of being able to
move around by himself.
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And I was his girlfriend. Okay.
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And that's what we did.
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You know, I tried
to look out for him.
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I wanted to protect him
in any way shape or form.
00:09:30.20\00:09:33.34
And anybody that lives
in that kind of lifestyle
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knows that, it's like a
line of loyalty and trust.
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So, because we're
together, I trust you,
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I don't trust anybody else.
I need you to do this for me.
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And I was comfortable with
it, because I saw my mom do it,
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you know, my whole childhood.
00:09:51.65\00:09:53.32
So, I was like, this is
what I'm supposed to do.
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Yeah. Okay, okay.
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I know for myself.
00:09:57.03\00:09:58.43
I got into transporting drugs
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and I was transporting marijuana
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from Texas to
North Carolina years ago.
00:10:02.60\00:10:06.84
And, you know, you see,
00:10:06.87\00:10:08.20
you see this big
reward out of it.
00:10:08.24\00:10:09.80
You know, you're
moving on this way,
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and you know you
get all this money
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and stuff like that.
00:10:12.77\00:10:14.34
So, I imagine it that
you were seeing lots of money
00:10:14.38\00:10:16.68
in transporting these drugs.
00:10:16.71\00:10:18.05
Yes. Okay.
00:10:18.08\00:10:19.41
We saw lots of money.
00:10:19.45\00:10:20.78
It was so bad to the point
where you start finding money
00:10:20.82\00:10:23.89
you didn't even know you had.
00:10:23.92\00:10:25.35
You know, like we
were moving from one place.
00:10:25.39\00:10:28.22
A couple of years after that
00:10:28.26\00:10:29.66
and we were going
through our clothes
00:10:29.69\00:10:31.26
and we found like a
couple of bundles of $1000
00:10:31.29\00:10:34.20
in our clothes and
stuff and it was nothing.
00:10:34.23\00:10:36.43
Okay. Okay. You know.
00:10:36.46\00:10:37.80
What were some of the drugs
that you were transporting?
00:10:37.83\00:10:41.90
We were
transporting cocaine and crack.
00:10:41.94\00:10:46.07
Cocaine and
crack, okay. Crack form.
00:10:46.11\00:10:47.74
Okay, yes, I know you're making
a lot of money doing that.
00:10:47.78\00:10:51.55
It does carry a lot of money.
00:10:51.58\00:10:53.42
Does carry a lot of
time behind it also.
00:10:53.45\00:10:56.15
For myself, I
transported marijuana.
00:10:56.18\00:10:58.52
And, you know, the
reward monetarily isn't as great
00:10:58.55\00:11:01.76
or is fast as cocaine but
it still is a great reward.
00:11:01.79\00:11:07.10
But there was always
something that was in your head,
00:11:07.13\00:11:09.30
even when you were out there
selling drugs, using drugs,
00:11:09.33\00:11:12.97
on various
relationships and all,
00:11:13.00\00:11:15.00
there was always
this voice in your head.
00:11:15.04\00:11:16.57
Tell me about this
voice in your head?
00:11:16.60\00:11:19.64
This voice was
with me from the time
00:11:19.67\00:11:22.01
I can remember
about two years old.
00:11:22.04\00:11:23.61
Okay.
00:11:23.65\00:11:24.98
And at every
pressure, any circumstance
00:11:25.01\00:11:30.82
where I felt a lot of
pressure, the voice was louder.
00:11:30.85\00:11:33.89
You know, it was, "I'm
there, you're gonna be okay,
00:11:33.92\00:11:38.03
I'm gonna
protect you or you know,
00:11:38.06\00:11:41.10
just stay calm or just relax."
00:11:41.13\00:11:43.26
But when I got into doing
things like transporting drugs,
00:11:43.30\00:11:48.64
the voice would say to me,
00:11:48.67\00:11:50.07
you know, you know
you shouldn't do this.
00:11:50.11\00:11:52.24
Or this isn't the
way for you to do it.
00:11:52.27\00:11:55.94
If you just trust
me or if you just do
00:11:55.98\00:11:57.71
what I ask you to do, you know,
you would be a lot happier.
00:11:57.75\00:12:01.48
And I'm just
like, I never saw it.
00:12:01.52\00:12:03.59
Okay. I couldn't get the vision.
00:12:03.62\00:12:05.79
Like this was my life,
this is what I was used to,
00:12:05.82\00:12:08.19
so how could I listen to
this voice trying to tell me
00:12:08.22\00:12:11.36
I would be
happier doing something
00:12:11.39\00:12:13.03
that I have never
done before, you know.
00:12:13.06\00:12:15.50
Yeah, yeah. You
know it's interesting.
00:12:15.53\00:12:17.80
You told me that
you were eventually
00:12:17.83\00:12:19.80
put on depression medicine.
00:12:19.83\00:12:22.47
What were you put?
00:12:22.50\00:12:24.24
Why were you put on
depression medicine?
00:12:24.27\00:12:26.68
Anger. Anger, okay.
00:12:26.71\00:12:28.04
Yes, I had a lot
of built up anger.
00:12:28.08\00:12:30.35
Okay, now what
was the anger towards?
00:12:30.38\00:12:33.01
Oh, man, the anger was,
it was towards my mother.
00:12:33.05\00:12:35.38
Okay. It was towards my father.
00:12:35.42\00:12:38.05
It was towards God. Okay.
00:12:38.09\00:12:40.96
It was towards my
boyfriend at the time.
00:12:40.99\00:12:44.33
There was a lot of cheating,
00:12:44.36\00:12:45.99
a lot of lying and a
lot of being left alone,
00:12:46.03\00:12:48.46
because every time I would face
serious situations in my life,
00:12:48.50\00:12:52.27
it would come back
to me being by myself.
00:12:52.30\00:12:54.40
Okay.
00:12:54.44\00:12:55.77
And that's what it
was, so I would lash out.
00:12:55.80\00:12:58.17
Hurl, scream,
howl or throw things.
00:12:58.21\00:13:00.54
I remember breaking
windows in my house.
00:13:00.58\00:13:02.54
I remember running
hitting him with a car.
00:13:02.58\00:13:05.05
You know like, I was
blessed that God covered us
00:13:05.08\00:13:08.35
to the fact that
neither one of us
00:13:08.38\00:13:09.88
were seriously
injured by the behavior
00:13:09.92\00:13:12.12
that was going on
in the relationship.
00:13:12.15\00:13:14.49
But I was like
losing my mind. Okay, okay.
00:13:14.52\00:13:18.19
And that's understandable.
00:13:18.23\00:13:19.86
You know, the various
things that we go through,
00:13:19.89\00:13:22.06
while we're "out
there in the streets."
00:13:22.10\00:13:25.33
Lot of built up
anger, frustration and all,
00:13:25.37\00:13:27.87
but did you get a inner peace
or inner joy from using drugs,
00:13:27.90\00:13:33.68
selling drugs,
did it give you that?
00:13:33.71\00:13:35.64
Absolutely not.
00:13:35.68\00:13:37.01
No, no why did it
not give that to you?
00:13:37.05\00:13:38.41
It made me more miserable.
00:13:38.45\00:13:39.81
More miserable? I was--
00:13:39.85\00:13:41.45
It was so bad to
where I hid the fact
00:13:41.48\00:13:45.25
that I was smoking
marijuana for years.
00:13:45.29\00:13:47.46
Okay.
00:13:47.49\00:13:48.82
But it was bad to where
when I woke up in the morning,
00:13:48.86\00:13:50.99
I had to get high
throughout the day.
00:13:51.03\00:13:53.26
As soon as my heart
would start going down,
00:13:53.29\00:13:55.00
I have to get high again.
00:13:55.03\00:13:56.73
When nighttime
come, I have to get high.
00:13:56.77\00:13:58.83
So, I can rest because it was,
00:13:58.87\00:14:00.70
it was like my
guilt from that actions
00:14:00.74\00:14:03.20
and the behaviors and I
mean, it was so many things
00:14:03.24\00:14:07.28
that I had done from
setting up people to be robbed,
00:14:07.31\00:14:09.64
and shooting at people,
and beating people over money.
00:14:09.68\00:14:13.58
Transporting these
drugs, along with the abuse
00:14:13.62\00:14:16.69
that I had already went
through in my childhood,
00:14:16.72\00:14:18.65
I was nowhere near at peace.
00:14:18.69\00:14:20.62
And my thoughts were
literally destroying my mind.
00:14:20.66\00:14:24.26
So, I got high
and higher and higher,
00:14:24.29\00:14:26.80
then I got more
irritable, when I wasn't high
00:14:26.83\00:14:28.96
and more mean, you
know, more aggravated.
00:14:29.00\00:14:31.73
And it was like, I
had to do it to maintain
00:14:31.77\00:14:34.30
any kind of peace in my head
but it just, it never worked.
00:14:34.34\00:14:37.17
So, it never provided any peace.
00:14:37.21\00:14:38.77
You know, many,
many young people
00:14:38.81\00:14:40.58
get involved in the
drugs, and the fast money,
00:14:40.61\00:14:43.01
and things
thinking that is going
00:14:43.04\00:14:44.65
to bring some kind
of joy to their lives.
00:14:44.68\00:14:46.51
Right.
00:14:46.55\00:14:47.88
In reality that I found
was that the way God created us
00:14:47.92\00:14:53.22
was that we could
only find inner joy
00:14:53.25\00:14:55.42
or inner peace through Him.
00:14:55.46\00:14:57.33
You can have the money.
You can have the fast cars.
00:14:57.36\00:15:00.23
You can have the
drugs and all these things,
00:15:00.26\00:15:01.66
but they won't ever
bring that inner satisfaction.
00:15:01.70\00:15:05.70
Because God didn't
design us that way.
00:15:05.73\00:15:07.14
Right.
00:15:07.17\00:15:08.84
So, you felt
that same exact thing,
00:15:08.87\00:15:10.54
kind of like being
trapped in this lifestyle.
00:15:10.57\00:15:13.44
Wanting to get out but
not knowing where to go.
00:15:13.48\00:15:15.71
This is what you're
used to your entire life.
00:15:15.74\00:15:18.25
Trapped. Okay.
00:15:18.28\00:15:19.61
I felt like there was no
way for me to get out of it.
00:15:19.65\00:15:23.89
I was never going to be happy.
00:15:23.92\00:15:25.55
I really felt like
the best way for me
00:15:25.59\00:15:27.46
to get out of it
was to just kill myself.
00:15:27.49\00:15:29.09
Yeah, okay.
00:15:29.12\00:15:30.46
Now, and we're
going to come back to that
00:15:30.49\00:15:32.36
in terms of killing yourself
and the thoughts of suicide.
00:15:32.39\00:15:35.26
But if you can, look
backing on your life now
00:15:35.30\00:15:38.27
and if you could change certain
things in your lifestyle,
00:15:38.30\00:15:41.20
the things that
you had to go through,
00:15:41.24\00:15:42.74
the things you got
involved in, would you do that
00:15:42.77\00:15:45.01
or would you still
take the same path?
00:15:45.04\00:15:46.78
I wouldn't change it.
00:15:46.81\00:15:48.14
You wouldn't change it? No.
00:15:48.18\00:15:49.51
Okay, now let me ask you
why would you not change it?
00:15:49.54\00:15:50.88
I would not change it
00:15:50.91\00:15:52.25
because
everything that I endured
00:15:52.28\00:15:53.62
and everything I went
through made me who I am today.
00:15:53.65\00:15:57.42
And I would not
trust God or love God
00:15:57.45\00:15:59.89
or depend on God
the way that I do,
00:15:59.92\00:16:01.59
or have such a strong
relationship with Him now
00:16:01.62\00:16:04.39
if I had not been faced
with so many adversities.
00:16:04.43\00:16:07.83
Okay, now, you told me
that you had a debate with God.
00:16:07.86\00:16:10.87
Yes. At one
point, you were still--
00:16:10.90\00:16:12.33
you still out
there are using drugs,
00:16:12.37\00:16:13.84
selling drugs things like that.
00:16:13.87\00:16:15.20
But you had a
debate with God. Yes.
00:16:15.24\00:16:16.94
Talk to us about the
debate you had with God?
00:16:16.97\00:16:19.84
God have been calling me
00:16:19.87\00:16:21.38
and talking to me my whole life.
00:16:21.41\00:16:22.74
Okay.
00:16:22.78\00:16:24.25
I know I strayed way,
00:16:24.28\00:16:25.65
but it's not like
I forgot who He was.
00:16:25.68\00:16:27.72
That was that voice
that was constantly--
00:16:27.75\00:16:29.08
That was that voice on my head,
00:16:29.12\00:16:30.45
he wouldn't
allow me to forget Him.
00:16:30.49\00:16:31.82
Okay.
00:16:31.85\00:16:33.19
So, I got to a
point where I wanted to do
00:16:33.22\00:16:35.82
what I was doing.
00:16:35.86\00:16:37.19
He kept telling me
00:16:37.23\00:16:38.56
that I needed to
do something else.
00:16:38.59\00:16:40.10
And we were
going back and forth,
00:16:40.13\00:16:41.56
and I was literally
screaming outside on the porch.
00:16:41.60\00:16:44.53
I remember
screaming, just leave me alone.
00:16:44.57\00:16:47.44
Get out of my head.
00:16:47.47\00:16:49.10
I'm not going to do
what you're asking me to do.
00:16:49.14\00:16:51.07
I'm not cut out for
this type of lifestyle,
00:16:51.11\00:16:53.31
just leave me alone.
00:16:53.34\00:16:54.81
And so simply he told me,
"You either choose the life
00:16:54.84\00:16:58.45
that you're living and die
or do what I ask you to do."
00:16:58.48\00:17:03.59
You know, I had that
same kind of experience
00:17:03.62\00:17:06.42
especially for me growing
up in a Christian household.
00:17:06.45\00:17:10.76
I was trying to run
from God for so long,
00:17:10.79\00:17:13.50
and I could literally hear
00:17:13.53\00:17:14.86
the voice of God speaking to me.
00:17:14.90\00:17:17.30
And every time I
would hear that voice,
00:17:17.33\00:17:19.00
I would purposely get high.
00:17:19.03\00:17:20.70
Purposely go ahead
and snort some cocaine
00:17:20.74\00:17:22.87
or something to try to
drown that voice out of my head.
00:17:22.90\00:17:26.84
Looking back on it, I praise
the Lord that it didn't work.
00:17:26.88\00:17:29.94
It didn't work.
00:17:29.98\00:17:31.31
Holy Spirit continued to try
to woo me and get my attention.
00:17:31.35\00:17:35.38
But you got to the point
00:17:35.42\00:17:37.19
where you were
trying to commit suicide.
00:17:37.22\00:17:40.26
Why?
00:17:40.29\00:17:41.69
Even though you were
making all this money,
00:17:41.72\00:17:43.83
doing all these
different things out there
00:17:43.86\00:17:45.33
why, why were you
contemplating suicide?
00:17:45.36\00:17:48.10
Because I was so miserable.
00:17:48.13\00:17:49.46
Okay. I hated myself.
00:17:49.50\00:17:52.20
I wasn't happy when
I looked in the mirror.
00:17:52.23\00:17:54.27
My self-esteem was low.
00:17:54.30\00:17:56.20
I was in a relationship
where I was very much in love
00:17:56.24\00:17:59.84
but it was just,
it was just wrong.
00:17:59.87\00:18:04.98
Okay. On so many
different levels.
00:18:05.01\00:18:06.85
I wasn't getting
what I needed emotionally.
00:18:06.88\00:18:11.45
I was sad, I was hurt, I
was broken, I just was in,
00:18:11.49\00:18:17.29
I was in constant
pain everyday like,
00:18:17.33\00:18:19.29
when you're so emotionally torn
00:18:19.33\00:18:21.26
that it
physically affects your body.
00:18:21.30\00:18:23.83
That it becomes,
00:18:23.87\00:18:27.64
how would I say comfortable
for you to feel like that,
00:18:27.67\00:18:30.61
I had got uncomfortable
with hurting 24 hours a day,
00:18:30.64\00:18:33.31
seven days a week.
00:18:33.34\00:18:34.74
Just miserable Yeah.
00:18:34.78\00:18:36.24
And, like I said, I
didn't see a way out.
00:18:36.28\00:18:39.71
So, I could say, you know,
everybody would keep telling me
00:18:39.75\00:18:41.98
you know, you can do
all things through Christ.
00:18:42.02\00:18:44.42
And there's a way,
00:18:44.45\00:18:46.35
there's a light at
the end of the tunnel,
00:18:46.39\00:18:47.76
God will bring you through.
00:18:47.79\00:18:49.26
But when you're in
sorrow, the way that I was in,
00:18:49.29\00:18:51.76
you can't see it.
00:18:51.79\00:18:53.66
It's like I can't see
myself coming out of this.
00:18:53.70\00:18:56.20
So, what can I do
to just stop this pain.
00:18:56.23\00:18:59.50
Just stop it all, yeah.
00:18:59.53\00:19:00.87
And the only way I
felt like I could stop
00:19:00.90\00:19:02.90
it was if I committed suicide.
00:19:02.94\00:19:04.51
Now, did you, did
you ever actually attempt
00:19:04.54\00:19:06.78
or it was just kind of
like the thoughts in your head?
00:19:06.81\00:19:10.88
I remember several times,
00:19:10.91\00:19:12.71
sitting up with a
bunch of pill saying,
00:19:12.75\00:19:15.28
"I'm gonna do
this, I'm gonna do this."
00:19:15.32\00:19:18.02
But never-- it
seemed like every time
00:19:18.05\00:19:20.06
that I would get in
that kind of situation,
00:19:20.09\00:19:22.79
something would interrupt me.
00:19:22.82\00:19:24.56
Somebody would come
by, or somebody would call,
00:19:24.59\00:19:26.33
or something would happen.
00:19:26.36\00:19:27.86
And I remember
not the last time,
00:19:27.90\00:19:30.90
but the time before the last
time that I thought about it.
00:19:30.93\00:19:35.40
I think I found out I
was pregnant like that night.
00:19:35.44\00:19:38.21
Okay.
00:19:38.24\00:19:39.57
So, it was just
like, "Oh, my gosh!"
00:19:39.61\00:19:43.51
Wow! Good thing at a bad timing.
00:19:43.55\00:19:45.68
Yeah. Bad timing.
00:19:45.71\00:19:47.05
Yeah. Well, great timing.
00:19:47.08\00:19:48.55
But at the time I was just like.
00:19:48.58\00:19:50.75
What is happening like,
it felt like the worst thing
00:19:50.79\00:19:53.52
that could ever
happen to me though.
00:19:53.56\00:19:54.96
You know, looking back
you got to praise the Lord
00:19:54.99\00:19:57.13
that you thought about suicide,
but you never went through it.
00:19:57.16\00:20:00.86
Never went through it.
00:20:00.90\00:20:02.23
You know, I had
the same situation,
00:20:02.26\00:20:03.67
you know, how you get
stuck in that circle of life.
00:20:03.70\00:20:06.47
And you want a change,
you don't know how to change.
00:20:06.50\00:20:09.10
It's like you're
trapped physically, mentally,
00:20:09.14\00:20:11.87
everything just trapped.
00:20:11.91\00:20:13.71
And I remember I
actually kept trying.
00:20:13.74\00:20:16.54
I had various guns at the time
00:20:16.58\00:20:18.35
where I could have just
shot myself in the head.
00:20:18.38\00:20:20.58
And did it, but I
felt that that was kind of
00:20:20.62\00:20:23.22
a messy way to go out.
00:20:23.25\00:20:24.75
And what if I do it
and I still happen to live.
00:20:24.79\00:20:27.96
Still happen to live.
00:20:27.99\00:20:29.32
So, what I try to do
was take as many drugs
00:20:29.36\00:20:31.39
as I could at the time,
using cocaine, heroin, ecstasy,
00:20:31.43\00:20:35.80
popping prescription
pills, marijuana, alcohol.
00:20:35.83\00:20:38.83
And I thought to myself.
00:20:38.87\00:20:40.40
What if I just take
so many drugs at overdose
00:20:40.44\00:20:43.67
and just fall
asleep and not wake up.
00:20:43.71\00:20:45.84
I thought it would just be
a peaceful way out of this.
00:20:45.87\00:20:48.38
But looking back on
and I praise the Lord--
00:20:48.41\00:20:49.91
That it didn't work. Amen.
00:20:49.94\00:20:51.35
Because where God has me now,
00:20:51.38\00:20:52.71
where God has
brought you Britney?
00:20:52.75\00:20:54.58
You know, it's
great that it didn't work.
00:20:54.62\00:20:56.62
At what point did you begin
to make that transition to God?
00:20:56.65\00:21:01.02
I started when I
had my first son.
00:21:01.06\00:21:03.19
I started going to church
more, I started praying more,
00:21:03.22\00:21:06.59
and trying to rebuild
my relationship with God.
00:21:06.63\00:21:10.10
I wasn't that
successful in the beginning
00:21:10.13\00:21:13.10
because there
were still some things
00:21:13.13\00:21:14.47
that I was doing
like getting high.
00:21:14.50\00:21:16.37
And I struggle
with trying to stop.
00:21:16.40\00:21:18.31
So, I guess I was
about 20 years old
00:21:18.34\00:21:20.48
when I started
trying to rebuild.
00:21:20.51\00:21:22.24
Okay, what
were, when you started
00:21:22.28\00:21:23.81
to try to make that change,
00:21:23.85\00:21:25.18
what were some of
the biggest obstacles
00:21:25.21\00:21:26.75
that you had to overcome?
00:21:26.78\00:21:28.68
Getting high.
Getting high, okay.
00:21:28.72\00:21:30.55
Okay, okay. That was
the biggest obstacle.
00:21:30.59\00:21:32.32
Yes, because it
was like I needed it.
00:21:32.35\00:21:33.69
Yeah.
00:21:33.72\00:21:35.06
I had already been
doing it for so many years,
00:21:35.09\00:21:36.52
so I felt like I
needed it to function.
00:21:36.56\00:21:38.99
So, it was the biggest
obstacle because like I said,
00:21:39.03\00:21:41.66
I had mood swings, and I
would get upset and angry
00:21:41.70\00:21:44.53
when I wasn't getting high,
00:21:44.57\00:21:45.90
so that was definitely
the biggest obstacle for me.
00:21:45.93\00:21:48.14
All right, and
that's understandable,
00:21:48.17\00:21:49.57
you know, sometimes we
get so shackled to the things
00:21:49.60\00:21:52.91
that we love, to the things
that we're accustomed to doing,
00:21:52.94\00:21:55.91
that even trying to make
that change is very difficult.
00:21:55.94\00:21:59.31
You know, and
the Bible says that,
00:21:59.35\00:22:00.68
"We wrestle not
against flesh and blood."
00:22:00.72\00:22:02.72
So, it's like, it's a spiritual
warfare that's going on,
00:22:02.75\00:22:05.85
even when we want
to make this transition
00:22:05.89\00:22:08.42
is sometimes very
hard, but you eventually did.
00:22:08.46\00:22:10.93
Yes. You made that transition.
00:22:10.96\00:22:12.96
And then you got into church.
00:22:12.99\00:22:14.56
And you did your first sermon,
00:22:14.60\00:22:15.93
it was entitled
"Life after Death."
00:22:15.96\00:22:17.83
Yes. Talk briefly about that?
00:22:17.87\00:22:19.53
Life after Death actually came
from the song Life after Death,
00:22:19.57\00:22:25.37
by the rapper Notorious B.I.G.
00:22:25.41\00:22:27.94
And basically what it
was, was me giving my testimony
00:22:27.98\00:22:31.95
about my new life
after being dead for so long.
00:22:31.98\00:22:36.62
So, everybody knows that.
00:22:36.65\00:22:38.15
You know, to me it's
worse to die in the spirit,
00:22:38.19\00:22:42.56
than it is in the flesh.
00:22:42.59\00:22:43.93
And spiritually I was dead,
00:22:43.96\00:22:45.29
so I spoke about
being resurrected.
00:22:45.33\00:22:47.76
Okay.
00:22:47.80\00:22:49.13
After God, Jesus picked me
up and placed me on my feet
00:22:49.16\00:22:53.70
and got me going
for the right direction.
00:22:53.74\00:22:56.40
Praise the Lord. Now, you have--
00:22:56.44\00:22:58.34
You changed your
life, you're in church
00:22:58.37\00:23:00.91
and you have
this new contentment,
00:23:00.94\00:23:02.38
this new peace, even
though you're not making
00:23:02.41\00:23:05.01
lots of money like before.
00:23:05.05\00:23:06.85
You're not involved
in the streets anymore.
00:23:06.88\00:23:09.52
But, how can you
explain this containment,
00:23:09.55\00:23:12.35
this peace that you now have,
00:23:12.39\00:23:14.09
even though you're lacking
monetarily like from before.
00:23:14.12\00:23:18.09
The best way I
can explain it is,
00:23:18.13\00:23:21.40
is the scripture that says,
00:23:21.43\00:23:22.76
"God will keep
you in perfect peace."
00:23:22.80\00:23:25.43
And I sing that to
myself on a daily basis
00:23:25.47\00:23:29.30
because even though
I lack in my finances
00:23:29.34\00:23:32.61
and I'm
struggling to try to get back
00:23:32.64\00:23:34.34
on my feet and start my career.
00:23:34.38\00:23:37.65
God has not allowed
me to lack anything,
00:23:37.68\00:23:40.15
so for so many years
of doing what I was doing
00:23:40.18\00:23:43.42
because I didn't want to lack.
00:23:43.45\00:23:45.49
Now, I'm in a position
00:23:45.52\00:23:46.86
where I don't have
to worry about anything.
00:23:46.89\00:23:48.22
He provides everything I need,
00:23:48.26\00:23:49.69
my children don't lack anything.
00:23:49.72\00:23:51.26
You know, we're
fed. We have a home.
00:23:51.29\00:23:54.06
you know, I drive a vehicle,
and I have gas to put in it.
00:23:54.10\00:23:57.63
And I'm happier than I've
been in my whole entire life.
00:23:57.67\00:24:01.47
I'm at peace with who I am,
00:24:01.50\00:24:02.87
I love myself
more than I ever have.
00:24:02.90\00:24:05.27
And the love of
God is what taught me,
00:24:05.31\00:24:07.64
that there's no
greater love than God's love.
00:24:07.68\00:24:09.58
Oh, yeah, oh,
yeah. That is very true.
00:24:09.61\00:24:10.95
And He definitely showed
me that nobody can love me
00:24:10.98\00:24:12.98
better than He can.
00:24:13.01\00:24:14.35
Oh, yeah, that's right.
And that's that perfect love.
00:24:14.38\00:24:15.72
Perfect love, that
agape love. Oh, yeah.
00:24:15.75\00:24:19.02
Now, you said you have a
point, that you wanted to read,
00:24:19.05\00:24:21.52
and I want you to read
this point at this time
00:24:21.56\00:24:24.43
and also the Bible
text that you have.
00:24:24.46\00:24:27.26
And, you know,
talk to the young people
00:24:27.30\00:24:29.23
that have been in your situation
00:24:29.26\00:24:31.67
who are going
through things right now
00:24:31.70\00:24:34.17
and can't seem to
find a way out of it.
00:24:34.20\00:24:36.60
Talk to those people
right now and read that point.
00:24:36.64\00:24:40.04
Okay, "Response list.
00:24:40.08\00:24:43.31
To the adversity have
faced from day to day.
00:24:43.35\00:24:46.15
The pain I still
endure from my past mistakes.
00:24:46.18\00:24:49.42
The cries for my children
due to void and absence.
00:24:49.45\00:24:52.89
The gossip, the backbiting,
the drama and emotion intense.
00:24:52.92\00:24:56.76
Response list.
00:24:56.79\00:24:58.29
To failure and falling,
disappointments and discontent,
00:24:58.33\00:25:01.86
to pressure and
opinions of need to repent,
00:25:01.90\00:25:04.97
to watchful, hopeful,
sinister filled spectators.
00:25:05.00\00:25:08.80
To cynical motives and
lack of knowledge behaviors.
00:25:08.84\00:25:12.24
To comments,
distrust and lack of loyalty.
00:25:12.27\00:25:15.11
To jealousy, envy, hate,
and deceit from she and he.
00:25:15.14\00:25:18.45
Response lists.
00:25:18.48\00:25:19.88
To set attacks from
the adversary, chains,
00:25:19.91\00:25:22.52
yokes, walls,
darkness and spiritual tearing.
00:25:22.55\00:25:25.79
To close door's
hardship and lack in finance.
00:25:25.82\00:25:28.82
Misfortune, setbacks
and mindless ignorance.
00:25:28.86\00:25:32.06
To shame, pride and
minimizing self-worth.
00:25:32.09\00:25:35.36
To thoughts and emotions
used to pierce consistent her.
00:25:35.40\00:25:39.33
To confusion,
loneliness, pity and tears.
00:25:39.37\00:25:42.44
To endes torture
endure for many, many years.
00:25:42.47\00:25:45.67
Response list.
00:25:45.71\00:25:47.14
Because negativity is
not worth my response.
00:25:47.18\00:25:50.05
Because if I
respond, I'm taking on a lot.
00:25:50.08\00:25:52.85
Because I choose to live past
my past and prosper my life.
00:25:52.88\00:25:56.18
Because I can see
past what went wrong
00:25:56.22\00:25:57.92
and be thankful for
what is going right.
00:25:57.95\00:26:00.12
Because happiness is no
longer what appear tend to be
00:26:00.16\00:26:03.06
because my happiness and
my joy lie deep within me.
00:26:03.09\00:26:06.23
Because in the
midst of everything,
00:26:06.26\00:26:07.70
peace still remains still.
00:26:07.73\00:26:09.56
Because Christ paid the
price and footed the bill.
00:26:09.60\00:26:12.30
Because I know who I
am, it's whom I belong,
00:26:12.33\00:26:14.94
because my life has
turned into a sweet poem
00:26:14.97\00:26:17.87
for when I was
counted out God lifted me up.
00:26:17.91\00:26:20.51
And none of this I
consider to be luck
00:26:20.54\00:26:23.41
because I'm more than blessed.
00:26:23.45\00:26:24.78
And my story is just beginning,
00:26:24.81\00:26:26.68
because God has
already perfected my living.
00:26:26.72\00:26:29.72
Because He's given me a
world of endless possibilities.
00:26:29.75\00:26:32.89
Because everything
great already lies within me.
00:26:32.92\00:26:36.19
And I depend on Isaiah, 40:31
00:26:36.22\00:26:39.56
"Because those
who wait on the Lord,
00:26:39.59\00:26:42.33
who expect, look
for and hope in him
00:26:42.36\00:26:44.57
shall change or know
their strength and power.
00:26:44.60\00:26:47.04
They shall lift
their wings and mound up
00:26:47.07\00:26:49.24
as eagles mount up to the sun.
00:26:49.27\00:26:51.34
They shall run and not be weary.
00:26:51.37\00:26:52.87
They shall walk and not
be faint or become tired."
00:26:52.91\00:26:55.94
So, God didn't say that
the weight would be easy,
00:26:55.98\00:26:58.98
the weight is hard,
00:26:59.01\00:27:00.35
but He is
definitely a loving God,
00:27:00.38\00:27:02.28
who will lift you
up, and mount you up,
00:27:02.32\00:27:04.75
and allow you to
prosper and still be successful
00:27:04.79\00:27:07.62
through everything
that you go through.
00:27:07.66\00:27:09.42
Oh, yeah, God is good. Amen.
00:27:09.46\00:27:10.79
God is good and
if, if more of us
00:27:10.83\00:27:12.43
would just turn to God.
00:27:12.46\00:27:14.53
And let go of the
things of the world to realize
00:27:14.56\00:27:17.00
that Satan is
just out to destroy us.
00:27:17.03\00:27:18.83
Absolutely.
00:27:18.87\00:27:20.20
There is a peace, a
containment that you won't find
00:27:20.24\00:27:22.97
anywhere else
except in Jesus Christ.
00:27:23.00\00:27:25.81
Britney, I like to thank
you for being on the program.
00:27:25.84\00:27:28.38
Yes. Our time has slipped on by.
00:27:28.41\00:27:31.58
Viewers, we
would like to thank you
00:27:31.61\00:27:33.15
for tuning into the New Journey.
00:27:33.18\00:27:35.68
Please be sure
to tune in next week
00:27:35.72\00:27:38.39
for another exciting
episode of the New Journey.
00:27:38.42\00:27:42.22
God be with you.
00:27:42.26\00:27:43.99