On Take it to the Bank,
00:00:01.36\00:00:02.70
you'll find ways
to get out of debt,
00:00:02.73\00:00:05.67
solve your credit card problems,
00:00:09.50\00:00:14.58
how to make and
stick with the budget.
00:00:14.61\00:00:16.85
Simple ways to save...
00:00:19.85\00:00:21.42
buying or selling a home,
00:00:24.69\00:00:26.79
and many more financial
matters on Take it to the Bank.
00:00:26.82\00:00:31.69
Hi, my name is Cordell Thomas
00:00:31.73\00:00:33.70
and welcome to
Take it to the Bank,
00:00:33.73\00:00:35.73
this is an interesting program,
00:00:35.76\00:00:37.50
which deals with something
00:00:37.53\00:00:38.87
I think will
interest all of you,
00:00:38.90\00:00:40.64
it's called
financial infidelity.
00:00:40.67\00:00:45.34
I thought I'd give you
00:00:45.37\00:00:46.71
the drama of that type of voice.
00:00:46.74\00:00:49.48
But it's key to understanding
something very serious
00:00:49.51\00:00:51.95
in our relationships.
00:00:51.98\00:00:53.31
We are talking about
00:00:53.35\00:00:55.22
top reasons for
financial crisis,
00:00:55.25\00:00:57.35
financial issues
in people's lives.
00:00:57.39\00:00:59.95
And one of those top
reasons has to do with
00:00:59.99\00:01:03.93
not being able to
trust in your spouse,
00:01:03.96\00:01:08.00
kind of interesting.
00:01:08.03\00:01:09.36
There's a Bible verse
I'd like to start out with
00:01:09.40\00:01:10.73
in this case is from Psalms,
00:01:10.77\00:01:12.30
the Book of Psalms 56:3
talking to about our God.
00:01:12.33\00:01:18.21
It says, "When I am afraid,
I will put my trust in you."
00:01:18.24\00:01:23.91
When you are afraid of anything,
00:01:23.95\00:01:25.78
when you have challenges
and hurdles to overcome,
00:01:25.81\00:01:28.72
put your trust in God.
00:01:28.75\00:01:30.69
If you have a problem with that,
00:01:30.72\00:01:32.25
or if you have a
concern with that,
00:01:32.29\00:01:33.79
I would ask you
to go and check out
00:01:33.82\00:01:35.56
your local Seventh-day
Adventist Church in your area,
00:01:35.59\00:01:37.89
talk to the pastor about it,
00:01:37.93\00:01:39.36
and seek out
assistance from that standpoint.
00:01:39.39\00:01:42.06
Remember, if you need assistance
00:01:42.10\00:01:43.87
with someone who knows
about relationship issues,
00:01:43.90\00:01:47.27
and about personal issues,
00:01:47.30\00:01:48.64
and about helping you to develop
00:01:48.67\00:01:50.71
a personal
relationship with God,
00:01:50.74\00:01:53.17
talk to someone
that knows how to do it.
00:01:53.21\00:01:55.21
And at the church
you will find that.
00:01:55.24\00:01:57.01
Now, we are
dealing with infidelity
00:01:57.05\00:01:59.68
or mistrust in
finances within family settings.
00:01:59.71\00:02:03.35
Did you know that the gender
00:02:03.39\00:02:08.32
that's most likely to
have financial mistrust
00:02:08.36\00:02:11.53
or do things
that are mistrustful
00:02:11.56\00:02:13.76
in a relationship are the women?
00:02:13.80\00:02:16.67
This is from a
standpoint of 33% I believe
00:02:16.70\00:02:20.20
is the
statistics to 26% for men.
00:02:20.24\00:02:24.47
But are you guilty
of financial infidelity?
00:02:24.51\00:02:28.24
What are the things that cause
those type of issues to exist?
00:02:28.28\00:02:32.38
And I think there's
a lot of information
00:02:32.41\00:02:34.65
that's out there
when we're talking about
00:02:34.68\00:02:37.19
this thing called
"trust in a relationship".
00:02:37.22\00:02:39.62
Now, let's take a step back
00:02:39.65\00:02:41.26
and look at what
is going on around us.
00:02:41.29\00:02:44.23
So all you can do
is go to our website,
00:02:44.26\00:02:46.49
and do a search on
financial problems,
00:02:46.53\00:02:49.03
and you see many things come up,
00:02:49.06\00:02:50.67
people going
through crisis themselves,
00:02:50.70\00:02:53.00
so the first thing we
want to talk about today in
00:02:53.03\00:02:56.10
and mention to you
is you're not alone
00:02:56.14\00:02:58.67
if you're dealing
with financial crisis.
00:02:58.71\00:03:00.21
If you're not
dealing financial crisis,
00:03:00.24\00:03:03.04
it would be good for you
to even get in touch with us
00:03:03.08\00:03:05.81
and tell us what you're doing,
00:03:05.85\00:03:07.18
so we can share with
others what they can do,
00:03:07.22\00:03:09.68
little tools and tips
that people can pick up on.
00:03:09.72\00:03:13.32
There was a story
that was out there
00:03:13.36\00:03:16.32
with one individual
00:03:16.36\00:03:17.69
that was dealing
with these crises.
00:03:17.73\00:03:19.56
And it was interesting
as the story unfolds,
00:03:19.59\00:03:21.73
it talks about a
specific situation,
00:03:21.76\00:03:25.77
where the husband and
wife sit at the table,
00:03:25.80\00:03:28.37
the wife in this
case is the person,
00:03:28.40\00:03:31.44
the only person with a job.
00:03:31.47\00:03:32.81
Of course, of their revenues,
00:03:32.84\00:03:34.54
or their paychecks
have been cut in half
00:03:34.58\00:03:36.11
because the
husband has lost his job,
00:03:36.14\00:03:37.65
he's currently looking.
00:03:37.68\00:03:40.22
Number 1, when you lose
a job, what it seems to me,
00:03:40.25\00:03:43.65
and what I'm hearing since 2008,
00:03:43.69\00:03:45.75
people are taking upwards of 18
to 24 months to find a new job.
00:03:45.79\00:03:49.72
Many are very discouraged,
00:03:49.76\00:03:52.49
don't get discouraged
never give in, pray about it,
00:03:52.53\00:03:55.43
and go after the
job in a meticulous way.
00:03:55.46\00:03:58.93
But the context is this,
00:03:58.97\00:04:01.50
you and your spouse
have to talk through
00:04:01.54\00:04:05.71
what's going on
in your relationship.
00:04:05.74\00:04:08.24
One of the top
concerns for divorce
00:04:08.28\00:04:10.31
in the United States has
to do with communication,
00:04:10.35\00:04:13.82
that is number two on the list.
00:04:13.85\00:04:16.45
The number one concern
00:04:16.48\00:04:18.19
for divorce in the United States
00:04:18.22\00:04:19.55
has to do with finances
so they're intermingled,
00:04:19.59\00:04:22.59
they are very closely related.
00:04:22.62\00:04:24.66
It is incumbent upon
you to discuss those issues
00:04:24.69\00:04:27.36
and it goes back to
one of the biggest things
00:04:27.40\00:04:30.50
that we talk about,
00:04:30.53\00:04:31.87
the priorities that we have
to come up with, and it's this.
00:04:31.90\00:04:36.04
All of us should be
assessing where we're at.
00:04:36.07\00:04:39.24
If you lose a job, assess again,
00:04:39.27\00:04:41.34
assess because
you need to figure out
00:04:41.38\00:04:43.14
where you need to
go to make ends meet.
00:04:43.18\00:04:45.45
If you were
making $5,000 a month
00:04:45.48\00:04:48.45
and one of the wage
earners loses the job,
00:04:48.48\00:04:52.85
then you're going
to go down to whatever
00:04:52.89\00:04:54.46
the only sole
wage earner is making.
00:04:54.49\00:04:57.06
So if it goes on to $2,500
00:04:57.09\00:04:59.53
and your budget is
currently at $4,000 a month,
00:04:59.56\00:05:02.76
what does it tell you?
00:05:02.80\00:05:04.27
Assessing gives
you a key component
00:05:04.30\00:05:06.23
to understanding
where you need to go.
00:05:06.27\00:05:07.80
Now the next step would be,
00:05:07.84\00:05:10.17
"I need to look at
what my expenses are,
00:05:10.21\00:05:13.54
and cut back, and cut back."
00:05:13.58\00:05:16.44
It's essential that
you look then at the budget
00:05:16.48\00:05:19.18
that you should
have created already,
00:05:19.21\00:05:20.65
if you haven't created
it, look at creating a budget.
00:05:20.68\00:05:23.52
Write that down
00:05:23.55\00:05:24.89
as one of the
things you should do
00:05:24.92\00:05:26.25
in the very near future.
00:05:26.29\00:05:28.06
Now you know where
the money is coming from,
00:05:28.09\00:05:30.99
you may have talents
and skills that abound,
00:05:31.03\00:05:33.60
and you might come up
00:05:33.63\00:05:34.96
with a different
temporary revenue stream
00:05:35.00\00:05:37.50
that will have helped
mitigate some of the losses.
00:05:37.53\00:05:40.57
Now if you've done
the planning in accordance
00:05:40.60\00:05:42.20
to what we've talked about,
00:05:42.24\00:05:44.34
you would have an
emergency fund set away
00:05:44.37\00:05:46.57
so you could help pay
some of those expenses
00:05:46.61\00:05:48.61
on an ongoing basis.
00:05:48.64\00:05:49.98
But we still have the
issue to deal with that
00:05:50.01\00:05:52.21
we have $4, 000 of expenses
00:05:52.25\00:05:54.68
and we have
$2,500 worth of income.
00:05:54.72\00:05:56.85
We have $1,500
that we have to come up
00:05:56.89\00:05:59.75
with increased revenues,
00:05:59.79\00:06:01.46
increased amount of
money coming into the house,
00:06:01.49\00:06:03.83
and decreasing the amount
of money going out in expenses.
00:06:03.86\00:06:06.86
And you have to look at a
variety of things such as,
00:06:06.90\00:06:09.83
who is cutting the lawn?
00:06:09.86\00:06:11.20
Maybe you were paying
someone to cut the lawn.
00:06:11.23\00:06:13.30
Should you be doing that?
00:06:13.34\00:06:15.37
It was interesting because
that same question came up,
00:06:15.40\00:06:18.17
the young lady
looked at her husband said,
00:06:18.21\00:06:20.58
"Why don't we pay
someone to cut the lawn?"
00:06:20.61\00:06:22.88
And you can see the response
was quite interesting was that
00:06:22.91\00:06:25.98
a typical kind of deer in
headlights type of scenario.
00:06:26.01\00:06:29.98
"I don't know."
00:06:30.02\00:06:31.39
And that is not a good
answer to have, especially,
00:06:31.42\00:06:34.56
in a setting where
you should be prepared
00:06:34.59\00:06:36.69
that thin line item
should have been one
00:06:36.73\00:06:39.83
that you wrote off
because my budget doesn't,
00:06:39.86\00:06:43.16
doesn't really account for
this at this point in time.
00:06:43.20\00:06:46.40
And there are other
things that we can look at,
00:06:46.43\00:06:47.84
but we'll address
that in a few minutes.
00:06:47.87\00:06:50.01
But we look at the issue
of questioning financial trust
00:06:50.04\00:06:56.14
in a relationship
00:06:56.18\00:06:58.01
and they come up
with a few reasons,
00:06:58.05\00:07:00.88
why would you cheat financially?
00:07:00.92\00:07:04.09
Why would you cheat financially?
00:07:04.12\00:07:05.95
There are numerous reasons
out there but, of course,
00:07:05.99\00:07:10.16
we come up with five reasons
00:07:10.19\00:07:13.53
why spouses cheat financially.
00:07:13.56\00:07:18.03
Financially.
00:07:18.07\00:07:19.40
One is the lack of
trust in the spouse,
00:07:19.43\00:07:23.17
lack of trust in a
spouse is the number one reason.
00:07:23.20\00:07:25.97
Now if you don't
trust the spouse,
00:07:26.01\00:07:27.34
there is a major concern there.
00:07:27.38\00:07:29.38
What's going on to
cause that lack of trust?
00:07:29.41\00:07:31.81
In developing
trust with a partner,
00:07:31.85\00:07:35.22
it takes the small things,
00:07:35.25\00:07:37.02
small things help
develop the big things
00:07:37.05\00:07:39.62
and those big things develop
00:07:39.65\00:07:41.06
the major standard for the trust
00:07:41.09\00:07:42.49
that you have between two.
00:07:42.52\00:07:43.86
So if you start doing
something that's distrustful,
00:07:43.89\00:07:47.26
then it will create that discord
00:07:47.30\00:07:49.23
in the relationship
00:07:49.26\00:07:50.60
and it will provide a
reason for distrust to happen.
00:07:50.63\00:07:54.04
Number two,
00:07:54.07\00:07:55.84
reluctance to
share with the spouse,
00:07:55.87\00:07:58.51
reluctance to share,
00:07:58.54\00:07:59.87
which goes to the
issue of communications.
00:07:59.91\00:08:01.48
If you remember in any
of the previous programs
00:08:01.51\00:08:05.08
and I'll reiterate to you that,
00:08:05.11\00:08:06.92
the second most
reason for divorce
00:08:06.95\00:08:10.29
is
communication or lack thereof.
00:08:10.32\00:08:12.79
If you don't talk
with the other person,
00:08:12.82\00:08:14.69
you're growing
distant from them.
00:08:14.72\00:08:16.86
And if as I do in some
of the workshops that we do
00:08:16.89\00:08:23.20
is tell parents
00:08:23.23\00:08:25.53
that if you're not
talking to your kids,
00:08:25.57\00:08:29.07
someone else is
communicating with them.
00:08:29.10\00:08:33.11
If you're not talking
00:08:33.14\00:08:34.48
to your young
people in your lives
00:08:34.51\00:08:36.91
and we deal specifically
with the millennial generation
00:08:36.95\00:08:40.28
and how they relate
to their Gen X parents
00:08:40.32\00:08:43.25
or their baby boomer parents.
00:08:43.28\00:08:45.02
And we find that at
times there is disconnect.
00:08:45.05\00:08:47.66
If you're a wealthy parent,
00:08:47.69\00:08:49.02
it's typical and
we're finding that
00:08:49.06\00:08:50.73
some of the same
issues are becoming,
00:08:50.76\00:08:52.59
due not only in
under-served communities
00:08:52.63\00:08:54.93
but they're coming
due in wealthy areas too.
00:08:54.96\00:08:57.83
When kids don't
have things to do,
00:08:57.87\00:08:59.87
when they're not
involved with their parents,
00:08:59.90\00:09:02.40
we find little
things that happen.
00:09:02.44\00:09:04.07
All you need do
00:09:04.11\00:09:05.44
is to talk to any type
of police officer or sheriff
00:09:05.47\00:09:07.68
and he'll give
you the warning signs.
00:09:07.71\00:09:10.88
Tagging starts
happening in these communities,
00:09:10.91\00:09:12.88
they're finding
more of it relevance
00:09:12.91\00:09:15.02
in wealthy communities.
00:09:15.05\00:09:17.09
When kids are left out there
00:09:17.12\00:09:19.09
and they don't
have anyone to talk to
00:09:19.12\00:09:20.89
or have anything
planned for themselves to do
00:09:20.92\00:09:23.32
during the afternoon timeframe.
00:09:23.36\00:09:25.66
From 2 pm to 6 pm
is a critical time,
00:09:25.69\00:09:28.70
when kids get home from school,
00:09:28.73\00:09:30.07
and if they don't
have anything to do,
00:09:30.10\00:09:31.93
something is
taking their attention.
00:09:31.97\00:09:35.07
The media will
00:09:35.10\00:09:36.44
because kids are
gonna sit in front of the TV
00:09:36.47\00:09:37.91
and watch and see things
that may be not be appropriate.
00:09:37.94\00:09:41.31
Then, of course, that
takes them to other areas,
00:09:41.34\00:09:43.95
what are they taking
in? What are they seeing?
00:09:43.98\00:09:46.28
What is going on in those minds?
00:09:46.31\00:09:48.08
And if you're not
involving yourself with that...
00:09:48.12\00:09:50.59
Now, when we
talked to certain parents,
00:09:50.62\00:09:52.55
what we saw happening
was just not appropriate
00:09:52.59\00:09:55.06
because some of the parents
would just say, "All right.
00:09:55.09\00:09:56.42
Okay.
00:09:56.46\00:09:57.79
I don't really have the
time, I'm still busy with work.
00:09:57.83\00:09:59.49
So here is my credit card,
00:09:59.53\00:10:01.06
go and have fun
and spend money",
00:10:01.10\00:10:02.46
which is a mistake.
00:10:02.50\00:10:03.83
Now you're running up debt,
00:10:03.87\00:10:05.20
the kids are involved
with going to the mall,
00:10:05.23\00:10:07.40
they're spending money,
00:10:07.44\00:10:08.77
and they think that's a
way to solve all of the issues.
00:10:08.80\00:10:11.37
And then, of
course, not communicating
00:10:11.41\00:10:13.38
provides a
wealth of other issues
00:10:13.41\00:10:15.34
when the simplicity
of involving yourself
00:10:15.38\00:10:17.65
with your
children, with your family,
00:10:17.68\00:10:19.65
with your spouse,
00:10:19.68\00:10:21.08
and talking
through specific issues,
00:10:21.12\00:10:23.45
and talking through
the challenging issues.
00:10:23.49\00:10:25.85
Ask the questions.
00:10:25.89\00:10:27.29
When my wife asks
the serious question,
00:10:27.32\00:10:29.46
I know I need to answer
it, I need to address it.
00:10:29.49\00:10:31.36
Even though at
times I'm taken aback,
00:10:31.39\00:10:33.40
and my ego is
damaged for a few minutes,
00:10:33.43\00:10:35.70
and I figure, you know what,
00:10:35.73\00:10:37.07
I don't wanna deal
with this right now.
00:10:37.10\00:10:38.43
I don't wanna
answer the question
00:10:38.47\00:10:39.80
but she's got a
wonderful way of playing me,
00:10:39.83\00:10:42.07
she knows how to do it.
00:10:42.10\00:10:43.44
And I come back
around and we talk about it,
00:10:43.47\00:10:45.91
and I find out that she's right,
00:10:45.94\00:10:47.94
as she was all the time,
00:10:47.98\00:10:49.41
and regardless
you'll see the show
00:10:49.44\00:10:51.21
and so whatever.
00:10:51.25\00:10:52.58
I'll have to
deal with that issue
00:10:52.61\00:10:54.08
and communicate
with her about it.
00:10:54.12\00:10:55.78
But the context is this,
00:10:55.82\00:10:57.39
we need that avenue to
build the relationship.
00:10:57.42\00:11:03.86
My wife and I
build our relationship
00:11:03.89\00:11:06.09
through our communication
00:11:06.13\00:11:07.60
and we do it in a wonderful way.
00:11:07.63\00:11:10.20
We use the Bible. I
have a Bible on this.
00:11:10.23\00:11:12.77
I use it and take
it with me everywhere.
00:11:12.80\00:11:14.57
We have a physical
Bible at home, we open it up,
00:11:14.60\00:11:16.87
and we talk, and we
convey our thoughts and feelings
00:11:16.91\00:11:20.81
about these
specific issues that drive,
00:11:20.84\00:11:23.21
that drive our relationship
and help us not only develop
00:11:23.24\00:11:25.78
a closer
relationship with each other
00:11:25.81\00:11:28.35
but with God.
00:11:28.38\00:11:29.72
And I would tend to think,
00:11:29.75\00:11:31.09
if you're having a
communication problem,
00:11:31.12\00:11:32.55
open up the word,
talk to someone about it,
00:11:32.59\00:11:35.59
and find a way to
get rid of the walls
00:11:35.62\00:11:39.53
that block your communication.
00:11:39.56\00:11:43.00
Number three, a
compulsion to lie,
00:11:43.03\00:11:45.97
a compulsion to lie
because you don't feel entitled
00:11:46.00\00:11:48.90
to buy things for yourself.
00:11:48.94\00:11:51.94
A compulsion to
lie because of greed.
00:11:51.97\00:11:54.81
Remember, Luke 12:15,
this is very important
00:11:54.84\00:11:58.21
because it's not
about what you have,
00:11:58.25\00:12:00.28
it's not that's what important.
00:12:00.32\00:12:01.98
Happy people don't
worry about the money.
00:12:02.02\00:12:04.75
It's not about greed,
00:12:04.79\00:12:06.12
it's what they are
doing with the money
00:12:06.15\00:12:08.02
because they have
everything in place.
00:12:08.06\00:12:10.49
Happy people have
this countenance about them
00:12:10.53\00:12:12.86
that is amazing.
00:12:12.89\00:12:14.33
Amazing because, you know
what, I think I'm gonna go,
00:12:14.36\00:12:16.97
and I'm gonna share my
talents on a mission trip.
00:12:17.00\00:12:19.87
I believe I'm gonna take
a vacation with my spouse
00:12:19.90\00:12:22.14
and build our relationship.
00:12:22.17\00:12:23.57
It's not about the money
it's how they use the money.
00:12:23.61\00:12:26.71
And God is telling
us throughout His word
00:12:26.74\00:12:29.41
that it is important,
it is a critical concern
00:12:29.44\00:12:33.11
that all of us
should begin the process
00:12:33.15\00:12:37.45
of understanding what money is.
00:12:37.49\00:12:40.72
It's not the top
priority in life.
00:12:40.76\00:12:43.46
How you use it is critical
00:12:43.49\00:12:45.46
because He's gonna go
hold that accountable.
00:12:45.49\00:12:48.26
Number four,
00:12:48.30\00:12:49.63
the spouse doesn't feel like
00:12:49.66\00:12:51.27
you're entitled to
buy things for yourself.
00:12:51.30\00:12:53.60
So it's the selfishness issue
and then, of course, you know,
00:12:53.64\00:12:58.64
why you're gonna buy that?
00:12:58.67\00:13:00.04
Why you're gonna do that?
00:13:00.08\00:13:01.44
You know, all
these questions about
00:13:01.48\00:13:02.91
what are important to you,
00:13:02.94\00:13:04.65
should be
important to your spouse,
00:13:04.68\00:13:06.31
and we don't have
that ability to convey
00:13:06.35\00:13:09.12
as it's accusatory thing
00:13:09.15\00:13:10.79
where I attack
you, you attack me,
00:13:10.82\00:13:12.75
we talk about each other,
00:13:12.79\00:13:14.12
we talk to our friends about it.
00:13:14.16\00:13:15.49
It's amazing when you go
00:13:15.52\00:13:17.39
into uncertain
environments with these guys,
00:13:17.43\00:13:19.39
we go to our man caves sometimes
00:13:19.43\00:13:20.83
and we talk about certain things
00:13:20.86\00:13:22.20
with our friends.
00:13:22.23\00:13:23.57
It's amazing what friends
will talk about that's going on
00:13:23.60\00:13:25.53
in their personal lives at home.
00:13:25.57\00:13:27.37
And, of course,
women do the same things,
00:13:27.40\00:13:28.97
you know, they go
and talk about things,
00:13:29.00\00:13:30.41
and you find out
stuff from your spouse
00:13:30.44\00:13:31.77
when you get home together.
00:13:31.81\00:13:34.28
And it's quite interesting
how all of these things
00:13:34.31\00:13:36.78
can involve things,
and money, and finances,
00:13:36.81\00:13:41.35
and the stress that's involved.
00:13:41.38\00:13:43.08
We go to our man caves to share,
00:13:43.12\00:13:44.89
the man caves to
watch the football game,
00:13:44.92\00:13:47.12
and do certain
things so this is havens
00:13:47.16\00:13:48.82
that you find out
a lot of information.
00:13:48.86\00:13:51.79
Number five, number five
00:13:51.83\00:13:54.76
is inability to
problem solve together
00:13:54.80\00:13:58.20
about money matters.
00:13:58.23\00:13:59.70
Goes backs to communication,
00:13:59.73\00:14:01.27
goes back to the
reason why people have a split
00:14:01.30\00:14:04.21
is because they
can't come to an agreement
00:14:04.24\00:14:06.34
and
understanding of how we spend
00:14:06.37\00:14:08.41
and how we do
things with our money.
00:14:08.44\00:14:10.75
It's critical because
you have a spender over here,
00:14:10.78\00:14:13.62
you have a saver over here,
00:14:13.65\00:14:15.15
and those two can't
come to meeting of the minds.
00:14:15.18\00:14:18.25
And so we have these
problems with finance
00:14:18.29\00:14:22.29
and we have these examples
00:14:22.32\00:14:23.93
that are from
real life experiences
00:14:23.96\00:14:26.63
where people are saying,
00:14:26.66\00:14:28.00
"I make $7,000 a month,
and I spend $7, 000 a month,
00:14:28.03\00:14:33.23
I am not saving any money
00:14:33.27\00:14:35.44
because this person has
their collection of items
00:14:35.47\00:14:38.24
that they continue to
purchase, and they won't share,
00:14:38.27\00:14:41.64
and they won't help
00:14:41.68\00:14:43.38
in providing a
better environment
00:14:43.41\00:14:45.18
for the whole
family, much less themselves.
00:14:45.21\00:14:47.98
Those are the five reasons.
00:14:48.02\00:14:49.35
And when you look at infidelity,
00:14:49.38\00:14:51.52
it comes in many different ways.
00:14:51.55\00:14:53.12
For example,
00:14:53.15\00:14:54.59
I got a call from
a retired attorney
00:14:54.62\00:14:56.62
who had lost $450,000 overnight
from his 401K virtually
00:14:56.66\00:15:02.30
because, from his retirement,
00:15:02.33\00:15:05.10
because of his
habit with day trading.
00:15:05.13\00:15:08.47
A day trading that
his wife found out about
00:15:08.50\00:15:12.74
in a happenstance way.
00:15:12.77\00:15:14.21
Now there are many
different ramifications to that
00:15:14.24\00:15:17.01
but his whole thing went away
because of this hidden thing
00:15:17.05\00:15:19.95
that he didn't let
his wife know about.
00:15:19.98\00:15:22.15
The other thing you
should be aware of is,
00:15:22.18\00:15:24.72
if the spouse that is cheating
also does the tax returns,
00:15:24.75\00:15:30.93
there may be no way
for anyone to find out
00:15:30.96\00:15:34.10
what just happened
with all that money.
00:15:34.13\00:15:36.43
This is key.
00:15:36.46\00:15:39.17
Do you know that when
these situations happen
00:15:39.20\00:15:44.97
the context is it's a dire issue
00:15:45.01\00:15:48.51
when the other one
finds out what's going on?
00:15:48.54\00:15:51.98
The key for each one of
us to know today is this,
00:15:52.01\00:15:54.98
is that cheating does happen,
it happens in relationships.
00:15:55.02\00:15:57.52
We know that because
the statistics show us
00:15:57.55\00:16:02.52
that Christians are divorcing
00:16:02.56\00:16:07.03
at a higher rate
than agnostics are.
00:16:07.06\00:16:09.10
There are issues
in our relationships
00:16:09.13\00:16:12.63
that we should be
taking very seriously.
00:16:12.67\00:16:15.60
And this communication
concern is critical.
00:16:15.64\00:16:19.21
It's critical because
people are hiding things,
00:16:19.24\00:16:22.08
and doing things, and doing
it outside of their spouse.
00:16:22.11\00:16:25.08
Now, sometimes you can
do it by accident, you know,
00:16:25.11\00:16:28.22
I did it by accident.
00:16:28.25\00:16:29.58
I went out one time,
00:16:29.62\00:16:31.05
I went for the sole
purpose of buying something,
00:16:31.09\00:16:32.95
and I saw this, I
think it's called,
00:16:32.99\00:16:37.69
well, whatever it's called
I'm not gonna name the brand
00:16:37.73\00:16:40.20
but a DVD player.
00:16:40.23\00:16:42.03
And it was on sale,
it was perfect price,
00:16:42.06\00:16:45.43
I had never seen it that
low. Why am I gonna let that go?
00:16:45.47\00:16:47.94
But did I have it
budgeted for? Did I plan for it?
00:16:47.97\00:16:51.77
Was it something that I needed?
Did I need the DVD player?
00:16:51.81\00:16:55.88
And as I got home with this box
under my arm, then it hit me,
00:16:55.91\00:17:00.72
I'm in the
garage and I'm thinking,
00:17:00.75\00:17:02.38
"Oh, man, how am I
gonna explain this one?"
00:17:02.42\00:17:05.99
And so what you try to do is...
00:17:06.02\00:17:08.09
I left it in the car.
00:17:08.12\00:17:09.46
I left it in the car
00:17:09.49\00:17:10.83
because I
couldn't face the issue.
00:17:10.86\00:17:12.93
I left that DVD in the
car for a couple of days,
00:17:12.96\00:17:15.63
and waited strategically
for my wife to leave
00:17:15.66\00:17:19.30
and go do something else,
that was grocery shopping.
00:17:19.33\00:17:22.04
It's difficult because my
wife home schools our kids,
00:17:22.07\00:17:24.54
and when, she's
home most of the time,
00:17:24.57\00:17:26.88
and taking care of things.
00:17:26.91\00:17:28.41
So there's no way
for me to get it in there
00:17:28.44\00:17:30.55
without her seeing
me do it so I waited,
00:17:30.58\00:17:34.72
I waited for her
to go out shopping,
00:17:34.75\00:17:36.08
and then I had the
prime, prime opportunity.
00:17:36.12\00:17:40.86
So she goes
shopping, she goes shopping,
00:17:40.89\00:17:43.02
I waited for her go to shopping
as she leaves the house,
00:17:43.06\00:17:45.23
then I go and I
take that out of the car.
00:17:45.26\00:17:48.00
Take the DVD
player out of the car.
00:17:48.03\00:17:49.43
And it's interesting my approach
00:17:49.46\00:17:51.67
because I am doing
everything that a child would do
00:17:51.70\00:17:55.20
to hide their behavior.
00:17:55.24\00:17:57.04
I take the DVD
player out of the car,
00:17:57.07\00:17:59.17
I take it out of
the box, I take the box,
00:17:59.21\00:18:01.24
and I smash it up, and
put it in the recycle bin.
00:18:01.28\00:18:03.38
Of course, I kept all
of the documents inside
00:18:03.41\00:18:06.55
to ensure that I know how
to put this thing together.
00:18:06.58\00:18:08.85
And then I take
this into the house
00:18:08.88\00:18:10.35
and try to put it in
an inconspicuous place
00:18:10.39\00:18:13.22
that she can't notice it up
00:18:13.25\00:18:14.66
in where we have our materials
that we can play the DVD with.
00:18:14.69\00:18:20.70
And it's quite interesting,
I set it up, and I walk away.
00:18:20.73\00:18:26.30
When she came home,
she noticed it immediately,
00:18:26.33\00:18:29.90
and she asks, "What is this?"
00:18:29.94\00:18:33.44
And, you know, my
first response always is,
00:18:33.48\00:18:36.75
you know,
00:18:36.78\00:18:38.38
"What does it matter what it is?
00:18:38.41\00:18:39.98
I got a great deal on it,
but we didn't plan for it?"
00:18:40.02\00:18:42.92
And it's hurtful, you know,
00:18:42.95\00:18:45.39
those simple
questions that she asks, "Why?
00:18:45.42\00:18:50.13
Why did you do it?
00:18:50.16\00:18:51.59
How much did you spend?
00:18:51.63\00:18:55.20
Why did you have to get this
without us planning for it?"
00:18:55.23\00:18:58.23
And it's one of the key issues
how easy this thing called
00:18:58.27\00:19:02.80
trust in relationships
can get out of control.
00:19:02.84\00:19:06.68
Of course, we talked through it.
00:19:06.71\00:19:08.31
I was able to rationalize it
00:19:08.34\00:19:10.31
that we did need it
somehow for the kids to,
00:19:10.35\00:19:13.68
you know, learn music,
00:19:13.72\00:19:15.52
and to supplement
some of their experiences
00:19:15.55\00:19:18.32
with their home schooling.
00:19:18.35\00:19:20.39
But it was a hard learned lesson
00:19:20.42\00:19:25.19
because it did impact
the trust between two people
00:19:25.23\00:19:30.10
who had an
understanding of the fact
00:19:30.13\00:19:32.37
that we need to
communicate, talk to each other,
00:19:32.40\00:19:35.14
and stick with that budget
00:19:35.17\00:19:36.94
that we've
talked about all along.
00:19:36.97\00:19:39.41
Okay.
00:19:39.44\00:19:40.78
So what I would like to do
is take you to nine reasons
00:19:40.81\00:19:45.81
or things to look for
00:19:45.85\00:19:47.18
when you're looking at
infidelity in a relationship.
00:19:47.22\00:19:50.95
Nine signs,
00:19:50.99\00:19:53.76
nine signs of
marital infidelity.
00:19:53.79\00:19:57.96
Number one,
00:19:57.99\00:20:00.33
the nine signs would be
for credit card statements
00:20:00.36\00:20:02.96
that reflect charges
for flowers, and or jewelry,
00:20:03.00\00:20:06.63
and or gift items
00:20:06.67\00:20:10.24
that the spouse did
not personally purchase.
00:20:10.27\00:20:12.74
Now this gets even further
than just financial infidelity
00:20:12.77\00:20:15.84
but it's using
the finance as an area
00:20:15.88\00:20:18.88
that could push infidelity
00:20:18.91\00:20:21.45
even further to
marital infidelity.
00:20:21.48\00:20:24.75
But you're seeing
these credit card statements
00:20:24.79\00:20:27.92
that reflect changes
00:20:27.96\00:20:29.29
and or charges
for those flowers,
00:20:29.32\00:20:31.86
or jewelry, or item things
00:20:31.89\00:20:33.23
that shouldn't even be a
part of our acquisition process.
00:20:33.26\00:20:38.10
Financial infidelity is bad,
00:20:38.13\00:20:41.70
but it gets even worse
00:20:41.74\00:20:43.44
when it can be used to engage
in other types of affairs.
00:20:43.47\00:20:46.17
Remember, one of the top reasons
00:20:46.21\00:20:48.21
for divorce has to do with lust,
00:20:48.24\00:20:51.21
and out outside
relationships within a relation,
00:20:51.25\00:20:54.52
and those all surround issues
that can be related to finance.
00:20:54.55\00:21:01.32
But these are the nine things
00:21:01.36\00:21:02.69
that I think be interesting
for us to talk about.
00:21:02.72\00:21:04.89
Unauthorized or
surprise withdrawals
00:21:04.93\00:21:07.76
from joint bank accounts.
00:21:07.80\00:21:10.60
There is a key element
here that as we talk about these
00:21:10.63\00:21:15.04
you can see in
some of the examples
00:21:15.07\00:21:17.11
that you see online
00:21:17.14\00:21:18.51
or some of the things
that you talk to people about,
00:21:18.54\00:21:20.71
one person in the relationship,
one person in the marriage
00:21:20.74\00:21:24.15
has control over
all of the finances.
00:21:24.18\00:21:26.75
And I think that
one of the problems
00:21:26.78\00:21:28.62
that can drive
wedges between people
00:21:28.65\00:21:32.42
is this overall
trust in one person.
00:21:32.45\00:21:35.29
And if something
happens where that person,
00:21:35.32\00:21:37.63
who is in
control of the finances,
00:21:37.66\00:21:39.59
goes to the hospital, is
incapacitated for a while,
00:21:39.63\00:21:42.56
the person that
doesn't know anything
00:21:42.60\00:21:44.73
has an extreme
learning curve to overcome.
00:21:44.77\00:21:47.17
Because they don't
know the account numbers,
00:21:47.20\00:21:49.74
they don't know
the access points
00:21:49.77\00:21:53.51
whether or not we
pay our bills online,
00:21:53.54\00:21:55.54
what bills have been
paid, how we handle things.
00:21:55.58\00:21:58.75
And it's incumbent upon us,
as individuals and as couples
00:21:58.78\00:22:01.62
that as we communicate,
00:22:01.65\00:22:02.98
that channel of
communication has to talk about
00:22:03.02\00:22:07.59
how we deal with
financial matters.
00:22:07.62\00:22:09.52
So there should
be a conversation
00:22:09.56\00:22:11.09
that you both have.
00:22:11.13\00:22:12.46
When I pay the bills
from our online account,
00:22:12.49\00:22:14.83
as I'm paying them
00:22:14.86\00:22:16.20
she's standing over my shoulder,
00:22:16.23\00:22:17.57
and she looking on and "Okay.
00:22:17.60\00:22:19.23
Oh, by the way did
you pay the water bill?
00:22:19.27\00:22:21.10
And where is the water bill at?"
00:22:21.14\00:22:22.47
And questions like,
00:22:22.50\00:22:24.04
"Why was the
water bill that high?"
00:22:24.07\00:22:26.78
I mean, it's like I
have all the answers.
00:22:26.81\00:22:28.34
"I don't know.
00:22:28.38\00:22:29.71
Maybe the kids took long baths
00:22:29.74\00:22:31.08
or maybe we
watered the lawn too much."
00:22:31.11\00:22:32.55
But, you know,
those type of things
00:22:32.58\00:22:34.05
start the conversation
of what can we do to cutback
00:22:34.08\00:22:37.59
so we can make sure
that things are in order.
00:22:37.62\00:22:41.86
So share that
information, talk about it,
00:22:41.89\00:22:44.23
make sure there is
no hidden agendas there
00:22:44.26\00:22:46.59
or reasons for
infidelity to happen.
00:22:46.63\00:22:49.96
Number three, deposit
slips, or bank statements
00:22:50.00\00:22:52.97
that indicate the existence
00:22:53.00\00:22:54.34
of a previously unknown checking
00:22:54.37\00:22:57.34
or savings account in the wife's
00:22:57.37\00:22:59.27
or husband's name only.
00:22:59.31\00:23:01.04
Now, I don't know, I mean,
00:23:01.08\00:23:03.45
if there's trust
in a relationship,
00:23:03.48\00:23:06.51
I suggest even
that it's a good thing
00:23:06.55\00:23:09.18
that you have a
joint bank account,
00:23:09.22\00:23:11.55
you have your
personal bank account
00:23:11.59\00:23:13.36
for your man
cave kind of things,
00:23:13.39\00:23:14.92
and she has her
own bank account.
00:23:14.96\00:23:17.29
I think that's a good idea
00:23:17.33\00:23:18.66
because she has control
over what she wants to do,
00:23:18.69\00:23:21.30
you have control
over what you wanna do,
00:23:21.33\00:23:23.33
you manage your own budget,
00:23:23.37\00:23:24.70
and the joint account
takes care of the necessities
00:23:24.73\00:23:27.67
such as the
mortgage, the heat, the light,
00:23:27.70\00:23:30.51
the gas, and all
of those other things,
00:23:30.54\00:23:32.64
and the foods
00:23:32.67\00:23:34.01
so that the
family is taking care of
00:23:34.04\00:23:35.38
and then you have your
own extracurricular activities
00:23:35.41\00:23:37.21
that you want to
pursue outside of making sure
00:23:37.25\00:23:39.81
that you have
money going to savings
00:23:39.85\00:23:41.55
and preparing for any
kind of unforeseen emergency.
00:23:41.58\00:23:45.55
So I suggest that those
are the places that you can go
00:23:45.59\00:23:49.72
to ensure that we are
sharing, that we are trusting,
00:23:49.76\00:23:53.33
and that we are providing
the opportunity for the spouse,
00:23:53.36\00:23:58.03
whether it would be
the man or the woman,
00:23:58.07\00:23:59.97
to grow in their understanding
00:24:00.00\00:24:02.00
of what finance
is actually about.
00:24:02.04\00:24:03.77
So there's nothing that's hidden
00:24:03.81\00:24:05.64
and that if
something does happen
00:24:05.67\00:24:07.48
both sides are
prepared to deal with it.
00:24:07.51\00:24:10.45
Where was I now? I
was at number four.
00:24:10.48\00:24:12.48
How about number five?
00:24:12.51\00:24:14.28
No, I'm
actually at number three.
00:24:14.32\00:24:15.65
Number four, the liquidation
of assets, stocks, and bonds,
00:24:15.68\00:24:18.75
stamp, or coin collections,
00:24:18.79\00:24:20.12
artwork without any
plausible explanation.
00:24:20.16\00:24:22.72
If you find the
liquidation of assets
00:24:22.76\00:24:25.66
something that
happens on a short-term basis
00:24:25.69\00:24:29.46
and you find out this goes away,
00:24:29.50\00:24:30.83
there is something going on,
00:24:30.87\00:24:32.60
there is something
going on behind the scenes.
00:24:32.63\00:24:34.57
If you remember, what I said
00:24:34.60\00:24:35.94
that if you two of
you're not talking,
00:24:35.97\00:24:38.44
two of you are talking
00:24:38.47\00:24:39.81
but you just not
talking to each other.
00:24:39.84\00:24:41.44
And this is a key thing to look
00:24:41.48\00:24:43.61
at in reference
to your finances.
00:24:43.65\00:24:46.61
When it pushes itself
towards the area of divorce,
00:24:46.65\00:24:50.59
it takes on a whole new element
00:24:50.62\00:24:53.02
because divorce
gets very expensive,
00:24:53.05\00:24:55.46
and gets very complicated
with the separation of debt,
00:24:55.49\00:24:58.53
the payoff of debt
because it doesn't go away,
00:24:58.56\00:25:01.03
and making sure
that everyone gets
00:25:01.06\00:25:03.67
what they need out of that.
00:25:03.70\00:25:05.50
But we don't want to
go in that direction,
00:25:05.53\00:25:07.27
what we want to do is
prevent these financial crises,
00:25:07.30\00:25:09.67
and prevent the eventual demise
00:25:09.70\00:25:12.04
of even a
wonderful relationship.
00:25:12.07\00:25:14.51
You had to talk.
00:25:14.54\00:25:15.94
And the first step
00:25:15.98\00:25:17.31
is if you can't
talk to each other,
00:25:17.35\00:25:19.85
get some resources
00:25:19.88\00:25:21.45
at your local
Seventh-day Adventist Church,
00:25:21.48\00:25:23.62
talk to someone
there that maybe helpful
00:25:23.65\00:25:25.75
or can point you
into the right direction
00:25:25.79\00:25:28.06
for Christian counseling
00:25:28.09\00:25:29.42
and put you back in the place
of conversing, and talking,
00:25:29.46\00:25:33.46
and getting
those things out there
00:25:33.50\00:25:36.36
so that they can be decided upon
00:25:36.40\00:25:38.27
and can move you in
a proactive direction.
00:25:38.30\00:25:41.20
Number five,
00:25:41.24\00:25:42.87
misrepresentation of
or failure to mention
00:25:42.90\00:25:47.31
raises, or
bonuses, or overtime pay.
00:25:47.34\00:25:51.38
Why would you do that?
00:25:51.41\00:25:52.75
I mean, I would
love to go home and tell,
00:25:52.78\00:25:54.12
"Hey, guess what,
00:25:54.15\00:25:55.48
I just received a 25%
bonus or my severance package,
00:25:55.52\00:25:58.82
because I just lost my
job, was a tremendous amount
00:25:58.85\00:26:01.42
and we can use it now
to plan a whole new future,
00:26:01.46\00:26:04.96
open up a business,
do different things.
00:26:04.99\00:26:06.90
The key is this,
00:26:06.93\00:26:08.30
there shouldn't be any surprise
00:26:08.33\00:26:10.70
to your spouse
when you have a bonus,
00:26:10.73\00:26:14.17
you should convey that to them.
00:26:14.20\00:26:15.67
If you're not
telling them what's going on
00:26:15.70\00:26:17.37
from the
standpoint of a paycheck,
00:26:17.41\00:26:19.64
then there's a
critical issue to deal with.
00:26:19.67\00:26:22.34
There was a story that we told
00:26:22.38\00:26:23.91
I think in a different program
about the family that was...
00:26:23.95\00:26:27.12
It was a case
analysis of the family
00:26:27.15\00:26:29.32
that brought in,
what, $6,800 a month,
00:26:29.35\00:26:32.12
and they were
spending $5,900 of that a month
00:26:32.15\00:26:34.86
of which they were more relying
upon more the wife's income
00:26:34.89\00:26:40.26
because the husband's income
was being garnished by the IRS
00:26:40.30\00:26:45.03
because they had a $15,000 debt.
00:26:45.07\00:26:47.70
And we talked through the
issue of what's important,
00:26:47.74\00:26:49.87
was it his $30,000 collectible
00:26:49.90\00:26:52.74
or was it more important
to get rid of that collectible
00:26:52.77\00:26:57.25
in order to pay off this
more relevant type of concern.
00:26:57.28\00:27:01.42
But one of the
things within that
00:27:01.45\00:27:03.42
had to do with the monies,
00:27:03.45\00:27:05.02
how the money is
used, if you get pay
00:27:05.05\00:27:08.22
and get overtime pay, or
get a bonus, how to use it.
00:27:08.26\00:27:11.39
And if the two people
00:27:11.43\00:27:13.06
in the relationship are talking,
00:27:13.09\00:27:15.13
then you include the
party in how that money is used.
00:27:15.16\00:27:21.70
Does it go to savings?
00:27:21.74\00:27:23.87
Does it go to pay off a debt?
00:27:23.91\00:27:26.27
Do we use it for a vacation
00:27:26.31\00:27:27.74
that the whole family can enjoy?
00:27:27.78\00:27:29.48
But if those things are hidden,
00:27:29.51\00:27:31.18
that's a warning side
for something else going on
00:27:31.21\00:27:34.15
and we need to
find out a way to talk.
00:27:34.18\00:27:36.48
Now if you wanna
talk to your spouse
00:27:36.52\00:27:38.92
and the other one is not talking
00:27:38.95\00:27:40.59
there is, there are
things you can do, and again,
00:27:40.62\00:27:43.26
I ask you to go
00:27:43.29\00:27:44.63
get the expert
assistance in that,
00:27:44.66\00:27:46.26
don't be afraid to do so.
00:27:46.29\00:27:48.23
Many people are more
willing to talk to others
00:27:48.26\00:27:51.30
about relationship issues
00:27:51.33\00:27:53.67
which may be the first step
in talking about other things.
00:27:53.70\00:27:58.94
So with that I ask
you to take these things
00:27:58.97\00:28:01.08
to the bank and save.
00:28:01.11\00:28:03.08
Thank you.
00:28:03.11\00:28:04.45