I want to spend my
life, mending broken.
00:00:02.46\00:00:10.84
I want to spend my life.
00:00:14.21\00:00:18.05
I want to spend my
life, mending broken.
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I want to spend my life.
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Praise the Lord everyone
and welcome to 3ABN today and we
00:01:06.46\00:01:11.77
are live.
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Isn't that right?
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We are live.
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You know what that means though?
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That means that when we pray
together for this live viewing,
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we will actually be
praying together in real time.
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Praise the name of the Lord.
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I'm Pastor Ryan Johnson.
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And I'm Anissa Johnson.
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And today's discussion
is very, very important.
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And this is stuff that we
need to talk about, especially
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considering the time
and the age that we live in.
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So you may want to get a
pencil, a pen and a tablet,
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papers.
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want to forget the things
we're going to talk about today
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because it's important.
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Isn't that right?
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It is.
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families.
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We'll be looking at the role of
families in the church and the
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role of
churches in the families.
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I love the way you said that
family in the church, churches
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in the family.
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And I know that you're going to
have questions because this is
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really good stuff.
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So I would like to tell you how
you can submit your questions.
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Even now, as we are
interviewing and talking, you
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can go to live at 3ABN.TV.
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You can email your questions
there to live at 3ABN.TV or you
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can text, not call.
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If you call,
nothing's going to happen.
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You can text your
questions to 618-228-3975.
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Remember, don't call.
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You can text your questions
to that number and the number is
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there on the screen for those
of us who are who are watching
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and viewing.
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Now, Anissa, we've been married.
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Oh, what's that
going to be this year?
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I don't know.
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It's time has flown by.
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It seems like about
five years, five years.
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That's what it is.
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20 years.
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It's going to be 20
years, 20 good years.
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Praise the name of the Lord.
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Amen.
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20 wonderful years.
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And even though we've been
married 20 years, we're going
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to learn some stuff
tonight, are we not?
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I got my pen and my paper.
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I've got my pen and paper.
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The Lord is going to bless us.
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Well, honey, I would like to
ask you to have an opening word
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of prayer for us.
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But before you do, I just want
to take a moment and thank you
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all.
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So much for your support.
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Your support means a lot.
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And there are
many ways to support.
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But because of what you do,
we're able to do what we do.
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And what is that?
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That is spreading the gospel
all around the world, spreading
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the gospel of the three angels
message all around the world.
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So thank you so much.
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You know what else?
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Even when you send in an
encouraging word, that makes a
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difference, doesn't it, Anissa?
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It does.
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encouraging you.
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Thank you so much.
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We hope that we
are a blessing to you.
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We pray that we are because you
certainly are a blessing to us.
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Anissa, would you have
an opening word of prayer?
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Yes, let's pray.
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Dear Heavenly
Father, we thank you so much.
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We thank you for your love.
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We thank you for your sacrifice.
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You are a wonderful, generous
God who has done more for us
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than we deserve.
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But still, we
continue to ask Lord.
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We ask for your blessing.
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We ask for you to fill this
place with your Holy Spirit,
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Lord.
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Let our message
touch somebody out there.
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Let someone who needs to
hear it, hear it and learn.
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Again, Lord, we love you.
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In Jesus' name we pray.
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Amen.
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Amen.
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Praise the Lord
for a praying wife.
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Have mercy.
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Well, let's just maintain this
little attitude of prayer and
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meditation.
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going to be playing,
How Long Has It Been?
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Praise the Lord.
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Oh, praise the name.
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That was beautiful.
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That was beautiful.
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Well, today we have our special
guest, Pastor Steve and Tammy
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Conway.
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They are co-directors of their
ministry called The Stamina for
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Life.
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Welcome.
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It's wonderful to
have you all here.
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Thank you.
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It's always a
pleasure to be here.
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Now, you all live
in the Detroit area.
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Is that correct?
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Yes, Metro Detroit.
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But you're
originally from the Ohio.
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Yes, Cleveland, Ohio,
born and raised, both of us.
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So when we say,
where are you from?
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What do you say?
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Still say, still
say Cleveland, Ohio.
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Originally, originally.
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This is not your
first time to 3ABN.
00:09:03.24\00:09:05.91
Is that correct?
00:09:06.01\00:09:06.57
Yes.
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blessed.
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I would like before, Anissa, I
know you have a question before
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we go there.
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recovery specialist.
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And, you know, excuse me for
using this cliche phrase, but
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that seems like a
match made in heaven.
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Can you just tell us how it is
the Lord brought you together?
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Just take your time and tell us
the path that led to where you
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are.
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And break it down.
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Yeah, as as I said, we
were both born and raised in
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Cleveland, Ohio.
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And I can't make this up.
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We met in high
school and chemistry class.
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Oh, but the chemistry
wasn't chemistry at that time.
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Which was a
good thing, probably.
00:10:03.63\00:10:05.47
Yes, based on where I was in my
my spiritual journey where she
00:10:06.07\00:10:09.77
was as well as me.
00:10:09.77\00:10:10.81
Yeah, but I went away actually
to a place you're familiar with
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and I think it was 1996 went
to Las Vegas, Nevada literature
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evangelism program and I
came back a converted man.
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What was the
name of that program?
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We were with HHS or
something like that.
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We stayed in the Las
Vegas Junior Academy and had an
00:10:30.96\00:10:36.36
encounter with the Lord
that was truly life altering and
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ended up coming back home,
actually going going away to
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college.
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God with everyone that I knew.
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And so the Lord brought this
lovely lady and her best friend
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at the time.
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We crossed each other's paths.
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Yeah, yeah, invited
them to Bible study.
00:11:00.69\00:11:00.72
She was already going to
church, not a Seventh-day
00:11:03.83\00:11:06.63
Adventist Church, but going
to church nonetheless very much
00:11:06.63\00:11:09.80
involved and our paths cross.
00:11:09.80\00:11:11.97
We had a Bible study together
and maybe two or something like
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that.
00:11:17.97\00:11:18.44
And then you left.
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I left to go away.
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I was working in Tennessee at
the time, but she was connected
00:11:22.61\00:11:26.65
with the pastor of a local
church and his family and also
00:11:26.65\00:11:30.99
with my family.
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And that began the journey.
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You want to pick
it up from there?
00:11:33.69\00:11:35.02
Yeah, yeah.
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I am, you know, having come
from made a lot of mistakes and
00:11:36.73\00:11:40.50
a lot of different things in
my life and the Lord had me on a
00:11:40.50\00:11:43.93
journey and I was growing
right and I happened to connect
00:11:43.93\00:11:47.74
really closely with his
family, particularly his mother.
00:11:47.74\00:11:50.01
We had, we share
some commonalities in our
00:11:50.34\00:11:52.11
experiences of upbringing and
traumas and different things of
00:11:52.11\00:11:55.01
that nature.
00:11:55.01\00:12:01.18
another realization of
another area of my growth and
00:12:01.18\00:12:03.55
spirituality.
00:12:03.55\00:12:07.32
and then ultimately with the
pastor of a beautiful church in
00:12:07.32\00:12:10.53
Ohio, Chesterton First Church
and Pastor Swayze Good and his
00:12:10.53\00:12:14.13
beautiful wife who really
played a huge part in helping
00:12:14.13\00:12:17.47
me to just grow and heal.
00:12:17.47\00:12:19.13
And that's when I made that
next step in my journey where I
00:12:20.04\00:12:24.04
made a decision and it wasn't
easy because my family was from
00:12:24.04\00:12:28.38
a completely different faith.
00:12:28.38\00:12:29.58
And when you make a decision
to do something that's different
00:12:29.58\00:12:32.11
from the culture or with a
norm, people don't always patch
00:12:32.11\00:12:36.75
you on the back and
say, hey, great, right?
00:12:36.75\00:12:38.59
So went through some things
with that, but the Lord has
00:12:38.89\00:12:41.49
been gracious since then.
00:12:41.49\00:12:43.32
I am no longer the only
Adventist in my family and I'm
00:12:43.32\00:12:46.70
able to, you know, celebrate
that with my parents and I have
00:12:46.70\00:12:50.23
an aunt as well.
00:12:50.23\00:12:51.13
But that journey started for us
there and you know how mothers
00:12:51.47\00:12:55.40
are.
00:12:55.40\00:12:55.70
Yes, ma'am.
00:12:56.74\00:12:57.44
Mothers, you know, were keen.
00:12:57.57\00:12:59.07
His mother was keen and she saw
some things that, you know, and
00:12:59.17\00:13:04.31
did her thing and introduced
us to each other again.
00:13:04.31\00:13:07.48
And yeah, the Lord moved.
00:13:07.78\00:13:11.09
The Lord moved.
00:13:11.39\00:13:12.02
Interesting.
00:13:12.02\00:13:15.39
I was actually a teacher.
00:13:15.42\00:13:16.42
I was a boys Dean and I was
teaching Bible and so forth and
00:13:16.93\00:13:21.36
so on.
00:13:21.36\00:13:26.90
who was overseeing the churches
in the area where we were in
00:13:26.90\00:13:30.31
Tennessee.
00:13:30.31\00:13:30.97
I would preach and at a variety
of different churches and he
00:13:31.51\00:13:36.81
came and his name was Pastor
George Sharp and he came to
00:13:36.81\00:13:41.82
visit me in the boys dorm and
said, I think the Lord has his
00:13:41.82\00:13:44.89
hand on you for
pastoral ministry.
00:13:44.89\00:13:46.55
Told you.
00:13:46.76\00:13:47.26
And so, you know, I...
00:13:47.49\00:13:50.43
I laughed like Sarai.
00:13:50.43\00:13:51.79
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:13:52.09\00:13:52.66
You know, Tom Feliz.
00:13:52.99\00:13:53.83
Really?
00:13:54.46\00:13:57.30
Yes, we do.
00:13:57.80\00:13:58.23
What was your reaction?
00:13:58.67\00:14:00.64
Well, first, how did you find...
00:14:00.80\00:14:01.90
Well, okay.
00:14:01.90\00:14:02.74
Dean, I'm so excited.
00:14:02.87\00:14:03.54
She was literally in
the other room listening.
00:14:03.91\00:14:06.24
I mean, you know, you
couldn't make this stuff up.
00:14:07.24\00:14:09.61
She was listening
to the conversation.
00:14:09.61\00:14:11.28
Yeah, I was listening.
00:14:11.81\00:14:13.28
And, you know, as I
said, I married a teacher.
00:14:13.55\00:14:15.48
Yes.
00:14:15.55\00:14:19.32
You know, I did not necessarily
think I fit the bill.
00:14:19.45\00:14:22.56
I didn't play the piano.
00:14:22.62\00:14:23.59
I didn't do the things, right?
00:14:23.69\00:14:25.79
I can be a little loud and you
know, but you know, one thing I
00:14:26.29\00:14:30.20
knew for sure before the
call came in his life, I saw the
00:14:30.20\00:14:33.40
call.
00:14:33.40\00:14:36.87
life.
00:14:36.87\00:14:40.01
would look like.
00:14:40.01\00:14:41.08
Right.
00:14:41.51\00:14:41.78
Yeah.
00:14:41.81\00:14:41.98
Yeah.
00:14:42.24\00:14:47.38
pastoral ministry.
00:14:47.38\00:14:48.12
We were minister.
00:14:48.32\00:14:48.85
We were very much in ministry.
00:14:49.15\00:14:50.62
Yes, when we were in the
educational portion of the
00:14:50.62\00:14:50.65
vineyard working with young
people moving to the pastoral
00:14:55.86\00:14:58.19
portion of it was it was unique.
00:14:58.19\00:15:01.30
It was a challenge but new
right from the start that man,
00:15:01.30\00:15:05.40
this is where we need to be.
00:15:05.43\00:15:06.50
This is the
direction we need to move in.
00:15:06.50\00:15:08.20
And so yeah, that's how we
that's how the Lord brought us
00:15:08.70\00:15:12.51
together.
00:15:12.51\00:15:13.14
Yes, he did.
00:15:13.74\00:15:14.74
Yes, he did.
00:15:15.04\00:15:15.68
Thank you for sharing that.
00:15:15.71\00:15:16.75
Can you tell us a little
bit more about stamina for life?
00:15:17.15\00:15:20.45
Yes, why don't you explain
that every time they asked me
00:15:21.08\00:15:24.89
explain it.
00:15:24.89\00:15:27.16
It's S T A M E N A and
sure enough the name stamina.
00:15:27.26\00:15:32.86
We want to infuse that into how
people look at relationships.
00:15:32.93\00:15:36.77
We need tools to be able
to withstand right some of the
00:15:36.93\00:15:40.27
challenges and the things that
come along but it actually is a
00:15:40.27\00:15:42.97
portmanteau of
both of our names.
00:15:42.97\00:15:44.84
Steven and Tamara stamina.
00:15:44.84\00:15:44.87
Okay, you're welcome.
00:15:47.14\00:15:48.51
Right?
00:15:50.01\00:15:50.51
Yes, and for life is we believe
you need by the grace and power
00:15:52.15\00:15:56.18
of God in his grace to be
able to push through right the
00:15:56.18\00:16:00.86
avenues of relationship
development for life, right?
00:16:00.86\00:16:03.89
And so that is the
underpinnings of that.
00:16:03.89\00:16:06.70
Yeah, and what's the vision you
see moving forward with this?
00:16:06.80\00:16:10.37
Yeah, we we've been working
with people ever since we were
00:16:10.37\00:16:15.47
back in the Academy and the
Academy and we continue to work
00:16:15.47\00:16:19.34
with people spent time
on secular University campus
00:16:19.34\00:16:23.21
chaplain pastor there
and even in our churches.
00:16:23.21\00:16:26.95
Now we still work with people
but you know passion is really
00:16:26.95\00:16:26.98
helping people to heal
and experience the type of
00:16:33.62\00:16:38.76
relationships that God intends.
00:16:38.76\00:16:40.66
So what we have dreamed of
together and what we're praying
00:16:41.60\00:16:46.13
about is a most of us
are familiar with lifestyle
00:16:46.13\00:16:50.77
centers.
00:16:50.77\00:16:54.81
pressure needs to come
down, you know, hypertension,
00:16:54.81\00:16:57.58
whatever the case may be,
but we ask ourselves, where can
00:16:57.81\00:17:02.15
couples go?
00:17:02.15\00:17:08.56
transformation in terms of an
intensive experience where they
00:17:08.56\00:17:13.80
learn principles and they begin
to heal on a relational level
00:17:13.80\00:17:17.90
and they get the tools that
they can not only experience in
00:17:17.90\00:17:21.14
this intensive, but they
can also take home with them.
00:17:21.14\00:17:23.57
So our vision is to actually
have a place just like that
00:17:23.57\00:17:23.61
where married couples can
come and individuals who have
00:17:27.68\00:17:31.71
experienced loss or trauma or
change in their lives can come
00:17:31.71\00:17:35.95
and they can experience healing
and we can take them through an
00:17:35.95\00:17:39.05
intensive program where
they can quite literally by the
00:17:39.05\00:17:42.82
grace of God experience
the touch of Jesus through our
00:17:42.82\00:17:46.49
ministry.
00:17:46.49\00:17:47.13
So that's what our vision is.
00:17:47.20\00:17:49.30
I love that.
00:17:49.60\00:17:50.17
I love that.
00:17:50.30\00:17:50.70
Powerful vision.
00:17:50.70\00:17:51.47
Emotional and
relationship healing.
00:17:51.93\00:17:53.94
May I ask something?
00:17:54.54\00:17:55.94
So the Lord has given
you this vision clearly.
00:17:56.20\00:17:58.47
So that would be like a
location and people would go
00:17:59.57\00:18:03.75
there and receive the ministry
of the Lord has given you.
00:18:03.75\00:18:07.98
Yeah, you got a name for it.
00:18:08.62\00:18:10.09
Yeah, what's the Lord told you?
00:18:10.12\00:18:11.25
Would it be stamina for you?
00:18:11.32\00:18:12.79
Yeah.
00:18:13.39\00:18:17.46
we we envision a 7 or 10 day
program where people will come
00:18:17.46\00:18:24.07
and it's not going to its
its primary focus is going to be
00:18:24.07\00:18:28.00
relationship, but it will
entail, you know exercise and
00:18:28.00\00:18:33.07
lifestyle change and
all of those things as well.
00:18:33.07\00:18:35.81
But but we we really envision
just a place where maybe two
00:18:35.98\00:18:41.48
couples at a time will have
a little what do we call them a
00:18:41.48\00:18:46.49
little little cottages
that they can stay in or for you
00:18:46.49\00:18:49.99
know, a husband who's just lost
a wife or wife who's just lost
00:18:49.99\00:18:53.56
a husband or a family who's
lost a child or on and on they
00:18:53.56\00:18:58.30
can come and they can stay
and they can engage with us and
00:18:58.30\00:19:01.94
with our team and we can help
them to again, just get back to
00:19:01.94\00:19:05.87
a point and a place
of wholeness and health.
00:19:05.87\00:19:08.74
Yeah, that's exciting.
00:19:09.18\00:19:10.38
Yeah, no friends.
00:19:10.61\00:19:12.48
This is the vision.
00:19:13.08\00:19:13.85
This is the vision the
Lord has given this couple.
00:19:15.18\00:19:17.42
We need to hold them up
in prayer because this is
00:19:17.49\00:19:20.02
something that we need.
00:19:20.02\00:19:21.02
Can you see it?
00:19:21.02\00:19:22.26
I can't yeah and the
cottages and everything.
00:19:22.42\00:19:25.36
Oh God is in this now you
all have you've traveled around
00:19:25.53\00:19:30.00
doing this and this is probably
something that you know you you
00:19:30.00\00:19:34.44
don't want to you know brag
about everywhere you've been
00:19:34.44\00:19:36.87
but but I would like to
know and and and I know that our
00:19:36.87\00:19:40.24
audience would like to know
some of the places where you've
00:19:40.24\00:19:43.21
had a chance to minister.
00:19:43.21\00:19:44.78
Oh, I mean, you know God
has been extremely good when I
00:19:45.91\00:19:49.08
think about you know, I think
about our beginnings, you know,
00:19:49.08\00:19:52.12
to young people who
grew up in the hood, right?
00:19:52.29\00:19:54.46
I never thought that I would
leave and go anywhere outside
00:19:54.59\00:19:57.63
of my city of Cleveland, Ohio.
00:19:57.63\00:19:59.06
But the God God because of his
word and because of the mission
00:19:59.16\00:20:02.46
that he's given us, he's
taken us all over the world.
00:20:02.46\00:20:04.40
We've been to Asia.
00:20:04.53\00:20:05.73
We've been to the South Pacific.
00:20:05.93\00:20:08.70
We've been to South America.
00:20:08.90\00:20:11.44
We've we've been to Europe all
over the world, you know, and
00:20:11.64\00:20:14.71
it has been a tremendous
blessing to touch people and to
00:20:14.71\00:20:18.35
listen to people and spend time
that no matter our differences
00:20:18.35\00:20:22.05
people deal with a lot
of the same things, right?
00:20:22.05\00:20:24.82
Families are
starving all over the world.
00:20:24.85\00:20:27.19
Marriages are
struggling all over the world.
00:20:27.56\00:20:29.02
Children and parents are
struggling all over the world.
00:20:29.12\00:20:31.56
And so it has been a privilege
and an honor to step into those
00:20:31.63\00:20:34.96
spaces with people no matter
what language they speak that
00:20:34.96\00:20:38.70
they connect with
you on that level.
00:20:38.70\00:20:40.10
Everybody speaks the language
of brokenness and everybody
00:20:40.70\00:20:44.31
speaks the language of
healing by the grace of God.
00:20:44.31\00:20:46.94
So I would like to repeat that.
00:20:46.94\00:20:49.34
So as you've gone to Europe
and South America and Asian and
00:20:49.54\00:20:52.81
other places, you see families.
00:20:52.81\00:20:55.08
There is a commonality.
00:20:55.32\00:20:57.05
Yes, have mercy and the same
word that is good enough in one
00:20:57.19\00:21:01.19
place is good.
00:21:01.19\00:21:01.69
Man, I love this.
00:21:01.79\00:21:02.56
This is this is excellent.
00:21:02.72\00:21:03.76
I want to go into some of the
things that that they have said
00:21:04.39\00:21:09.20
in some of the
material that they've submitted.
00:21:09.20\00:21:11.70
But do you have a
question before I go there?
00:21:11.77\00:21:13.27
I do for Tammy.
00:21:13.47\00:21:15.44
You had mentioned before you
weren't a Seventh-day Adventist
00:21:16.30\00:21:20.21
and when you became there was
a culture clash in your family.
00:21:20.21\00:21:23.68
Yeah, yeah.
00:21:24.18\00:21:28.55
know that soul wedge in there.
00:21:28.55\00:21:30.35
Yeah, how do you reconcile that
or how do are you able to bring
00:21:30.35\00:21:35.92
the rest of your family into
that space or at least live in
00:21:35.92\00:21:41.06
the same space without conflict?
00:21:41.06\00:21:42.50
Yeah, it's interesting because
if I'm honest with you, I
00:21:43.53\00:21:47.07
failed tremendously in the
beginning when I and my husband
00:21:47.07\00:21:50.44
can tell you there were times
when, you know, even he had to
00:21:50.44\00:21:53.38
step in and say Tamra like
you need to dial it down, right?
00:21:53.38\00:21:55.88
Because when you find something
not only that is a treasure for
00:21:56.14\00:21:59.08
you, you feel like you got to
tell everybody, but then also I
00:21:59.08\00:22:01.78
think it was also at a time in
my life where I was healing and
00:22:01.78\00:22:05.09
the Lord was taking me through
a process of me seeing the
00:22:05.09\00:22:07.82
people in my family as gyms.
00:22:07.82\00:22:10.99
And so he had to
shift my mindset.
00:22:11.66\00:22:14.46
Sometimes when you get
something that's as good as,
00:22:14.60\00:22:17.87
you know, what was given to me,
you don't realize that you are
00:22:17.90\00:22:22.84
supposed to be
a blessing, right?
00:22:22.84\00:22:24.67
And so my mouth could be
reckless, you know, I think I
00:22:24.81\00:22:28.88
said things and I did things
that could be offensive, but by
00:22:28.88\00:22:32.71
the grace and power of God
through healing and growing, he
00:22:32.71\00:22:36.52
was able to help me to
acknowledge that and to be able
00:22:36.52\00:22:39.09
to not only apologize, you
know, to my family for that,
00:22:39.09\00:22:42.06
but also to recognize
that people's growth processes,
00:22:42.26\00:22:46.70
everybody's in process.
00:22:47.03\00:22:48.20
And so he has helped me to
be able to walk with people
00:22:48.63\00:22:52.50
generously and
with grace, right?
00:22:52.50\00:22:55.27
Not for them to reach where
I am, but to be able to show
00:22:55.74\00:22:58.87
Christ to them.
00:22:58.87\00:22:59.87
And sometimes I think we
make that mistake sometimes that
00:23:00.18\00:23:02.54
just because we leave something
and we come into something new
00:23:02.54\00:23:05.48
that is our job
to change people.
00:23:05.48\00:23:06.85
But I learned very quickly.
00:23:06.98\00:23:07.88
It is not my job
to change people.
00:23:07.88\00:23:10.22
So what are the
skills you would need?
00:23:10.22\00:23:10.25
I understand patience.
00:23:12.05\00:23:13.39
What else?
00:23:14.12\00:23:14.79
First and foremost, I think one
of the tools is self-awareness.
00:23:15.99\00:23:18.86
Self-awareness allows you to
be able to watch your tone, what
00:23:19.39\00:23:22.16
you're saying, how
you're saying, and what you're
00:23:22.16\00:23:23.90
presenting to people.
00:23:23.90\00:23:24.77
Definitely patience and
understanding that God, the
00:23:25.33\00:23:27.84
Holy Spirit is the
conduit for people to change.
00:23:27.84\00:23:30.84
Being willing to apologize,
being willing to acknowledge
00:23:31.84\00:23:34.31
where you may be wrong.
00:23:34.31\00:23:35.48
And then ultimately being
willing to walk alongside,
00:23:35.81\00:23:38.41
right?
00:23:39.08\00:23:43.08
So we have to be
careful though, because I know
00:23:43.49\00:23:45.39
sometimes when you find the
right path, you have a tendency
00:23:45.39\00:23:49.29
to be a little
judgmental and point fingers.
00:23:49.29\00:23:51.76
Yeah, you can take the path
and pick it up and start beating
00:23:52.29\00:23:54.66
people with it, right?
00:23:54.66\00:23:56.03
And I like what you said about
self-awareness because often
00:23:57.87\00:24:01.24
sometimes our zeal is
about something other than the
00:24:01.24\00:24:06.57
gospel.
00:24:06.57\00:24:07.04
You know, this is the
time where I can be right.
00:24:07.81\00:24:10.45
And if I've never been right in
the context of my family, well,
00:24:10.61\00:24:14.95
now I know I'm right.
00:24:14.95\00:24:16.15
And God is on my side
and the Bible is on my side.
00:24:16.99\00:24:19.89
Man, would you say that again?
00:24:20.96\00:24:21.76
That's strong stuff.
00:24:21.99\00:24:22.46
So it's like I've
never been right before.
00:24:23.73\00:24:26.23
Yeah, I've never been right.
00:24:27.13\00:24:28.30
And if I've never been right
in my family, if I've been the
00:24:28.30\00:24:28.33
black sheep, if I've
always been the one that's a
00:24:31.40\00:24:34.34
troublemaker, if I'm always the
one, the middle child, right?
00:24:34.34\00:24:39.27
The one whose things are
on display and what have you.
00:24:39.51\00:24:42.18
Well, now I'm right.
00:24:42.21\00:24:43.28
And I know I'm right in a
way that I never have before.
00:24:43.75\00:24:46.41
And I'm going to tell every
one of y'all how I'm right.
00:24:46.82\00:24:50.89
And so, but that's not based
on having the love of God for
00:24:51.45\00:24:56.02
someone.
00:24:56.02\00:25:01.16
having found the best thing
in the world and having a desire
00:25:01.16\00:25:04.33
to share it.
00:25:04.33\00:25:05.50
It's based on something that
is less than, less than ideal.
00:25:05.53\00:25:10.81
And so, self-awareness is
an extremely important, it's an
00:25:10.81\00:25:15.91
extremely important attribute
in that process of sharing.
00:25:15.91\00:25:18.31
Thank you.
00:25:18.51\00:25:19.01
Thank you very much.
00:25:19.01\00:25:19.05
Sister, we hear you very well.
00:25:20.05\00:25:21.55
You have spiced your
language with the word heal.
00:25:22.78\00:25:26.35
I've been hearing
it, I've been hearing it.
00:25:27.12\00:25:28.86
And I imagine that part of the
journey that we're describing
00:25:28.86\00:25:32.66
here, you found the truth
and you're there and you're at
00:25:32.66\00:25:34.73
odds.
00:25:34.73\00:25:35.00
Healing was, yeah.
00:25:35.36\00:25:37.93
Are you willing to tell us
just kind of where your mind was
00:25:38.20\00:25:42.34
when you were getting
frustrated with the family
00:25:42.34\00:25:45.27
members and also what
the turning point was.
00:25:45.27\00:25:48.68
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
00:25:49.01\00:25:49.94
So, you know, one of the things
that ran me to God was a lot of
00:25:50.48\00:25:55.45
unresolved trauma, whether
it was sexual abuse or verbal.
00:25:55.45\00:26:00.62
I grew up in a very chaotic
home where there was addiction.
00:26:01.16\00:26:04.16
My parents divorced when I was
nine, but they remarried when I
00:26:04.93\00:26:07.13
was 19.
00:26:07.13\00:26:08.16
And there was a lot of
things to still process through.
00:26:08.33\00:26:10.73
And I would love to tell you
that when God drew me to him,
00:26:10.77\00:26:13.00
that I was
healed, but I was not.
00:26:13.03\00:26:15.00
But he nonetheless
drew me to himself.
00:26:15.54\00:26:17.37
And it was in the process of
being connected with God that
00:26:17.61\00:26:20.61
God began to peel
back those layers.
00:26:20.61\00:26:22.34
And he puts me in the space
with the people who may have
00:26:23.61\00:26:26.61
either caused the trauma,
right, or I experienced it
00:26:26.61\00:26:29.65
with.
00:26:29.65\00:26:34.02
to go through a process of
forgiveness and I had to go
00:26:34.02\00:26:36.93
through a process of, you
know, because my dad was an
00:26:36.93\00:26:39.83
alcoholic, by the grace
and power of God, he is not an
00:26:39.83\00:26:41.70
alcoholic today.
00:26:41.70\00:26:42.23
And he's been
sober for many years.
00:26:42.90\00:26:44.63
And so we all were going
through a process of healing.
00:26:44.63\00:26:47.70
And what my husband and I like
to call healing, another word
00:26:47.74\00:26:50.24
for that simply is
just sanctification.
00:26:50.24\00:26:51.64
Come on now.
00:26:51.84\00:26:52.61
It literally is
the work of a lifetime.
00:26:52.77\00:26:53.91
And so mine began, I'm
sure, well before I knew it.
00:26:54.18\00:26:58.11
But verbally and physically
and mentally, I began to see it
00:26:58.35\00:27:02.25
taking place where God was
mending my family together.
00:27:02.25\00:27:04.72
Just a conway.
00:27:05.29\00:27:06.35
Every single time a testimony
like this comes out, there's
00:27:06.52\00:27:10.33
somebody who was watching,
who was listening and they're
00:27:10.33\00:27:13.26
connecting.
00:27:13.26\00:27:16.43
This is why the
Lord had me listening.
00:27:16.53\00:27:18.37
And so I would like us for
a second to step out as the
00:27:18.67\00:27:22.17
middle people and ask you to
just look into that camera and
00:27:22.17\00:27:25.61
talk to that
person who needs to heal.
00:27:25.61\00:27:27.84
Talk to that person who
needs some self-awareness.
00:27:28.01\00:27:30.65
Talk from your heart
just for a minute, I pray.
00:27:30.95\00:27:33.01
You know, the journey of
healing, though they say it
00:27:33.65\00:27:37.85
takes a lifetime, let me
tell you, you want it to happen
00:27:37.85\00:27:41.82
right now.
00:27:41.82\00:27:42.52
The things that we've
experienced and gone through in
00:27:42.92\00:27:45.03
life, many of those
things we didn't ask for, right?
00:27:45.03\00:27:47.76
And the bitterness and the
resentment, one of the things
00:27:47.93\00:27:50.00
that I learned is that
God really actually does
00:27:50.00\00:27:51.93
understand.
00:27:51.93\00:27:56.24
talked about, all of
those things and to be rejected,
00:27:56.24\00:27:58.84
right?
00:27:59.11\00:28:02.91
there are so many more people
like us that God is walking
00:28:02.91\00:28:06.01
right beside us and He will
heal you to the space and the
00:28:06.01\00:28:09.28
place in your life so where you
will be able to show up as the
00:28:09.28\00:28:12.52
best version of yourself.
00:28:12.52\00:28:13.56
You will be able
to love the unlovable.
00:28:13.86\00:28:15.52
Forgiveness is one aspect and I
want you to know that that is a
00:28:16.19\00:28:19.19
part.
00:28:19.19\00:28:21.83
teach you and show you that
you can forgive and you can heal
00:28:21.83\00:28:25.03
and you can use your experience
as a testimony, the test that
00:28:25.03\00:28:29.37
you've been through as
a testimony to be able to
00:28:29.37\00:28:31.84
encourage other people.
00:28:31.84\00:28:32.94
Okay, so two preachers in
the house praising the name of
00:28:33.48\00:28:35.44
Jesus.
00:28:35.44\00:28:35.68
Amen.
00:28:36.14\00:28:36.48
Amen.
00:28:36.75\00:28:37.18
So now you guys have
your own family, four kids.
00:28:37.81\00:28:41.68
I'd read something in your
information but can you tell me
00:28:43.59\00:28:48.49
how do we demonstrate
or define, demonstrate and
00:28:48.49\00:28:52.66
practice the love of
Christ in the family?
00:28:52.66\00:28:55.30
Yeah.
00:28:55.93\00:28:56.40
This is one of our favorite
quotes and we believe that it's
00:28:57.13\00:29:01.74
God's secret weapon and His
secret weapon is not actually a
00:29:01.74\00:29:05.91
secret, it's the family and
this is from Adventist Home,
00:29:05.91\00:29:10.01
page 32.
00:29:10.15\00:29:10.88
The greatest evidence of the
power of Christianity that can
00:29:11.48\00:29:14.62
be presented to the world is
a well-ordered, well-disciplined
00:29:14.62\00:29:19.05
family.
00:29:19.05\00:29:19.55
This will recommend the truth
as nothing else can for it is a
00:29:20.49\00:29:28.00
living witness of its
practical power upon the heart.
00:29:28.00\00:29:32.87
So, I mean, that's a whole lot
there but I like this greatest
00:29:33.90\00:29:40.04
evidence of the power of
Christianity but it's within
00:29:40.04\00:29:43.24
the context of the family
because it's a demonstration, a
00:29:43.24\00:29:48.38
living witness of the practical
power of Christianity upon the
00:29:48.38\00:29:53.49
heart.
00:29:53.49\00:29:53.89
I think, you know, sometimes
we'll read things like that and
00:29:56.89\00:30:01.00
it's like, you know, we have a
picture that forms in our minds
00:30:01.00\00:30:04.13
and it's like, okay, okay,
so now, you know, be quiet in
00:30:04.13\00:30:08.40
church, sit down, don't
say anything, you know, and you
00:30:08.40\00:30:13.21
know, all that other stuff.
00:30:13.21\00:30:14.38
I think this is pointing
us towards an ideal and it's a
00:30:15.11\00:30:19.85
journey that is from where I am
and where my family is to where
00:30:19.85\00:30:24.52
God's ideal for us is and so
oftentimes we think in terms of
00:30:24.52\00:30:30.06
what other
people see externally.
00:30:30.06\00:30:32.56
If I'm in church and my
children are just sitting there
00:30:33.13\00:30:35.53
quiet and singing and they know
how to pray well and they can
00:30:35.53\00:30:39.40
articulate, it's
like, I've got it.
00:30:39.40\00:30:42.27
But we believe that this
is actually, it's pointing at
00:30:42.87\00:30:45.94
something that's deeper than
the externals and this deals
00:30:45.94\00:30:50.71
with our
interactions with our children.
00:30:50.71\00:30:53.11
Are we exhibiting patience and
kindness when we are connecting
00:30:54.08\00:30:59.75
with our children?
00:30:59.75\00:31:01.12
Are we discipling our children?
00:31:01.49\00:31:03.43
We can take the word discipline
and some of us here, you know,
00:31:03.49\00:31:07.03
as we were laughing about
earlier, you keep on crying,
00:31:07.13\00:31:09.80
I'll give you
something to cry for.
00:31:09.86\00:31:11.23
You know, we forget that
it's based on the word disciple.
00:31:11.70\00:31:16.24
Are we teaching our children
what it means to be a follower
00:31:16.77\00:31:19.47
of Jesus?
00:31:19.47\00:31:20.11
Are we teaching them about the
compassionate Savior who could
00:31:20.74\00:31:25.55
affirm Peter when he said,
blessed art thou, Simon Bar
00:31:25.55\00:31:28.88
-Jonah's flesh and blood has
not revealed this to you, noble
00:31:28.88\00:31:31.99
my Father which is in heaven.
00:31:31.99\00:31:33.15
He could also have a
compassionate look at Peter
00:31:33.62\00:31:36.19
when he failed, right?
00:31:36.19\00:31:37.99
After he denies Jesus for the
third time, Jesus is not, you
00:31:38.09\00:31:42.40
know, being led away, man, I
told you, he's not doing that.
00:31:42.40\00:31:46.63
But he looks at him
with sympathy in his eyes and
00:31:46.84\00:31:49.67
compassion and Peter, of
course, is touched by that.
00:31:49.67\00:31:52.71
So are we discipling
our children in that manner?
00:31:52.74\00:31:56.28
And I think too, sometimes,
I'm going to be honest with you,
00:31:57.31\00:32:00.38
when I read those type of
statements, when I've read
00:32:00.42\00:32:03.35
those type of statements, it's
intimidating because you look
00:32:03.35\00:32:06.82
at yourself, you're
like, well, that's just not us.
00:32:06.82\00:32:08.69
That's not me.
00:32:08.92\00:32:09.82
I don't even know
what that looks like.
00:32:09.82\00:32:09.86
I wasn't raised like that.
00:32:10.93\00:32:12.33
How do you execute that?
00:32:12.69\00:32:14.10
But I think that there's a
broader picture of also, I say
00:32:14.66\00:32:18.13
this to my husband a lot and to
people, I want to also teach my
00:32:18.13\00:32:21.30
children how to fail.
00:32:21.30\00:32:22.97
And I know that
that's a strong statement.
00:32:23.74\00:32:25.54
That's powerful.
00:32:25.54\00:32:26.41
But nonetheless, as someone
who's, you know, looking to go
00:32:26.78\00:32:31.28
into working with people
with addiction, you got to teach
00:32:31.28\00:32:34.62
people how to recover
when they fail, right?
00:32:34.62\00:32:37.12
It's been said to us that
on average, an addict will
00:32:37.22\00:32:40.39
relapse, right?
00:32:40.39\00:32:41.99
Yeah.
00:32:42.06\00:32:43.89
They can relapse between 5.3
to 7 times before they actually
00:32:43.93\00:32:47.60
get it under their
belt, that they will recover.
00:32:47.60\00:32:50.53
And so knowing this, how am
I going to teach them, right?
00:32:50.53\00:32:55.54
How to recover?
00:32:55.60\00:32:56.30
Oh, you fail.
00:32:56.60\00:32:57.24
How did you get there?
00:32:57.54\00:32:58.54
What were some of
the things that happened?
00:32:58.81\00:33:00.31
What were your triggers?
00:33:00.34\00:33:01.21
Where were you going?
00:33:01.58\00:33:02.44
And learning from that.
00:33:02.74\00:33:03.91
And so it's not just about
teaching them how to do what's
00:33:03.91\00:33:06.55
right.
00:33:06.55\00:33:06.98
How do you
recover from what's wrong?
00:33:07.42\00:33:08.85
Would you be willing to hang
out there just a little bit?
00:33:09.55\00:33:12.12
Absolutely.
00:33:12.22\00:33:12.69
So how do we fail?
00:33:13.15\00:33:14.02
What's the way?
00:33:14.12\00:33:14.66
Yes.
00:33:15.19\00:33:15.36
One of the things that I'm
so grateful for is that this is
00:33:16.42\00:33:22.00
the equalizer in
failure, which is Christ Jesus.
00:33:22.00\00:33:25.47
There are, everyone fails.
00:33:26.27\00:33:27.54
Every human being on the
face of the planet fails.
00:33:27.74\00:33:29.84
Anyone who tells you
they have not, they are lying.
00:33:29.87\00:33:32.21
The Bible tells us that, right?
00:33:32.31\00:33:33.48
All have sinned and come
short of the glory of God.
00:33:33.54\00:33:36.21
The equalizer is
having Christ there, right?
00:33:36.71\00:33:40.02
And His word for you to be able
to glean from so that you can
00:33:40.02\00:33:43.69
turn there, not to yourself or
your own abilities, but to turn
00:33:43.69\00:33:46.99
to Christ and say, Lord, reveal
to me, what is it that I should
00:33:46.99\00:33:50.26
have done?
00:33:50.26\00:33:52.79
It's called the DBM.
00:33:52.93\00:33:53.80
The DBM.
00:33:54.00\00:33:54.56
Yes.
00:33:54.76\00:33:58.73
elements of Christianity.
00:33:58.73\00:34:00.47
Yes, sir.
00:34:00.57\00:34:01.04
Of course, confession.
00:34:01.14\00:34:02.27
Confession.
00:34:02.30\00:34:02.97
If we confess our
sins to agree, right?
00:34:03.24\00:34:06.54
The word confess
means so there's confession.
00:34:06.78\00:34:09.31
Yeah.
00:34:09.34\00:34:09.98
And then there's repentance.
00:34:09.98\00:34:10.85
That's having a
change of heart, right?
00:34:11.31\00:34:13.95
And a change of
direction in terms of our lives.
00:34:13.95\00:34:17.62
And then of course, there is
forgiveness, you know, whether
00:34:17.62\00:34:21.62
we need to extend forgiveness
or receive forgiveness because
00:34:21.62\00:34:25.76
we're the ones who
have offended someone else.
00:34:25.76\00:34:28.23
So there are things in life.
00:34:29.30\00:34:33.20
This is justification and
sanctification or healing.
00:34:33.54\00:34:36.77
There are things that take
place immediately in terms of
00:34:37.07\00:34:41.21
setting us right with God.
00:34:41.21\00:34:42.71
Yes.
00:34:42.71\00:34:45.95
Just take time.
00:34:45.95\00:34:50.35
Christian elements.
00:34:50.35\00:34:51.62
Yeah.
00:34:51.89\00:34:54.86
There are things
that are immediate.
00:34:55.49\00:34:57.23
God forgives us immediately.
00:34:57.86\00:34:58.99
But no, you got to pay off,
you know, what you've stolen and
00:35:00.23\00:35:04.53
you got to pay back.
00:35:04.53\00:35:05.70
You got to clean up where you
have where you've destroyed or
00:35:05.80\00:35:09.70
where you've
messed up some things.
00:35:09.70\00:35:11.11
So all of those are practical
elements that we use and we
00:35:11.31\00:35:14.58
apply in terms of
teaching people how to fail.
00:35:14.58\00:35:17.41
Okay.
00:35:17.95\00:35:18.65
You had a question.
00:35:19.15\00:35:19.85
Excuse me.
00:35:21.45\00:35:22.82
When you guys are working with
families and you're teaching
00:35:24.02\00:35:29.82
them how to navigate these
things, what are some of the
00:35:29.82\00:35:34.73
things that can
disrupt that family unity?
00:35:34.73\00:35:37.43
You know, it's interesting.
00:35:39.40\00:35:43.14
week because families are
made up of different groups.
00:35:43.14\00:35:48.78
Right?
00:35:48.98\00:35:51.25
husband, wife,
grandparents, different things.
00:35:51.25\00:35:53.62
But everyone has expectations.
00:35:53.62\00:35:55.65
Right?
00:35:56.08\00:35:59.89
doing pre-marriage counseling
is to let's delve into what
00:35:59.89\00:36:03.02
your expectations, what
things are realistic versus what
00:36:03.02\00:36:06.09
things are unrealistic.
00:36:06.09\00:36:07.23
Oh, tell them the equation.
00:36:07.76\00:36:09.33
We made it up.
00:36:12.30\00:36:15.77
But anyway, we like it.
00:36:15.90\00:36:16.84
It's one of the most
diabolical equations.
00:36:18.21\00:36:20.08
Okay, it is E minus C equals F.
00:36:20.41\00:36:23.01
And so that simply just
means expectations minus
00:36:23.31\00:36:27.08
communications
always leads to frustration.
00:36:27.08\00:36:29.95
Hmm.
00:36:30.09\00:36:30.69
Okay.
00:36:30.75\00:36:31.05
I like that.
00:36:31.15\00:36:31.65
Yeah.
00:36:31.65\00:36:35.89
right, wrong or indifferent,
but sometimes our communication
00:36:35.89\00:36:38.96
is void right of understanding
how to communicate or we have
00:36:38.96\00:36:44.07
expectations from people
that we have not communicated to
00:36:44.07\00:36:47.70
them and we get frustrated and
therefore conflict arises and
00:36:47.70\00:36:52.27
we have to work through things
that we haven't even talked
00:36:52.27\00:36:55.61
about.
00:36:55.61\00:36:56.01
Right?
00:36:56.41\00:36:58.28
Okay, so that leads
me to another question.
00:36:58.28\00:37:01.02
You have this family
conflict arises and they're
00:37:01.48\00:37:06.86
communicating, but if both
sides feel that they're right,
00:37:06.86\00:37:10.46
how do you reconcile, you know,
who's going to, you know, I
00:37:10.53\00:37:16.06
don't know, acquiesce.
00:37:16.06\00:37:18.07
How does that work?
00:37:18.43\00:37:19.53
That's a it's a
powerful question.
00:37:19.97\00:37:22.00
We were talking about this the
other day and it's so difficult
00:37:22.37\00:37:26.31
when I know I'm right.
00:37:26.31\00:37:27.91
You ever been like that
where you know you're right?
00:37:28.28\00:37:30.51
No, never.
00:37:30.61\00:37:31.15
But that's what's so
challenging about it.
00:37:38.22\00:37:40.62
Right?
00:37:40.62\00:37:44.59
I know that
you're wrong as well.
00:37:44.59\00:37:46.70
And so we have there are
several different approaches,
00:37:47.00\00:37:52.77
but one of them is this
and I know this is difficult.
00:37:52.77\00:37:55.67
We encourage people to listen
to the other persons to listen
00:37:55.97\00:38:01.61
to the other person's
subjective experience.
00:38:01.61\00:38:05.91
Yeah, subjective experience,
subjective experience.
00:38:06.11\00:38:09.08
The word subjective is
key there because this is the
00:38:09.48\00:38:12.85
experience as they saw
it and as they heard it.
00:38:12.85\00:38:16.56
So the reason why it's
important for us to put that
00:38:16.56\00:38:19.66
word subjective in there is
because now there's no need for
00:38:19.66\00:38:23.43
me to jump in in defense of
what actually happened, right?
00:38:23.43\00:38:28.30
Because I'm merely listening
to the things that you heard and
00:38:28.30\00:38:32.14
the things that you saw.
00:38:32.14\00:38:33.54
Now, now here's how we
explain this using the Bible.
00:38:34.31\00:38:37.15
Is it is it possible that
two people can have a different
00:38:37.75\00:38:43.55
experience with the same person
and we go back to the book of
00:38:43.55\00:38:47.86
Genesis and we look at let's
say, let's say Abraham's two
00:38:47.86\00:38:54.20
sons, Ishmael and Isaac.
00:38:54.20\00:38:56.23
If you were to speak to
Isaac and to Ishmael about their
00:38:56.23\00:38:59.43
experience with their
father, their stories would be
00:38:59.43\00:39:01.97
different.
00:39:01.97\00:39:02.20
Same father.
00:39:02.94\00:39:03.64
Yeah, right.
00:39:04.14\00:39:04.51
Okay, let's move on.
00:39:04.67\00:39:05.71
Let's look at Isaac and Isaac's
two boys, Jacob and Esau.
00:39:05.84\00:39:11.25
If you talk to Jacob and
Esau about their experience with
00:39:11.75\00:39:14.58
their father, vastly different
experiences, same father.
00:39:14.58\00:39:18.29
If you spoke to Jacob's sons,
Joseph and his brothers about
00:39:18.92\00:39:25.89
their experience with
their father, vastly different
00:39:25.89\00:39:29.73
experiences.
00:39:29.73\00:39:30.57
So let's go back to that
idea of what is your subjective
00:39:30.93\00:39:34.87
experience, right?
00:39:34.87\00:39:36.60
And each one
thinks that they're right.
00:39:36.81\00:39:39.74
So it's possible for us to
grow up in the same house, same
00:39:40.21\00:39:44.78
parents.
00:39:44.78\00:39:45.35
You love the parents and I'm
like, I don't see how you can
00:39:46.25\00:39:49.68
love them when they did
that, but our experiences can be
00:39:49.68\00:39:52.82
vastly different.
00:39:52.82\00:39:53.99
So first allowing that to be
placed out there, this was your
00:39:53.99\00:39:58.73
experience.
00:39:58.73\00:40:01.70
how you experienced it.
00:40:01.70\00:40:01.73
And then the other
person shares what they've seen,
00:40:03.00\00:40:06.03
heard, lived and experienced.
00:40:06.23\00:40:07.67
And there's, you know,
layers upon layers about how you
00:40:08.07\00:40:11.07
unpack that, but you got to
begin there because hopefully
00:40:11.07\00:40:15.71
what you can help a couple
to experience or a family to
00:40:15.71\00:40:19.95
understand is that just because
this is the experience you had,
00:40:19.95\00:40:24.72
it doesn't make it automatic
for every other member of the
00:40:25.45\00:40:28.72
family, right?
00:40:28.72\00:40:29.96
Pastor, can I
pause right there, guys?
00:40:30.06\00:40:31.93
We're getting into it.
00:40:31.96\00:40:33.16
This, this is the heart of
the matter and I know that there
00:40:33.16\00:40:36.46
are questions out there.
00:40:36.46\00:40:37.57
So I just want to pick right
up, but I want to remind you to
00:40:37.67\00:40:41.60
send your questions to live at
3ABN.tv and you can also text,
00:40:41.60\00:40:47.74
don't call, but
text 618-228 -3975.
00:40:47.78\00:40:54.48
You got to listen to the
other subjective experience.
00:40:54.65\00:40:58.02
Please continue, Pastor.
00:40:58.22\00:40:59.25
Yeah, here's the other thing
about when I know I'm right.
00:40:59.42\00:41:03.46
I believe that I have the
objective perspective on what
00:41:04.29\00:41:08.90
happened.
00:41:08.90\00:41:13.30
it's subjective
because it's mine, right?
00:41:13.30\00:41:15.67
So it's as we're willing to
listen to one another that by
00:41:15.87\00:41:19.84
the grace of God, we can,
we can actually come to a point
00:41:19.84\00:41:22.98
of, oh, that was what you,
well, that's I understand how
00:41:22.98\00:41:26.31
you could have heard that,
but that's not what I meant.
00:41:26.31\00:41:29.32
That wasn't my intention.
00:41:29.65\00:41:31.29
Yeah, that's not what I
was trying to say, right?
00:41:31.55\00:41:34.89
So what?
00:41:35.46\00:41:35.92
No, it's, it's, it's
interesting because I think my
00:41:36.56\00:41:39.03
brothers and I, I come from
what we call a blended family.
00:41:39.03\00:41:41.20
We both have come from blended
families and I remember my
00:41:41.36\00:41:45.70
brother and I are a 10 year gap.
00:41:45.70\00:41:47.80
My brother had a
15 year old mother.
00:41:48.30\00:41:50.07
I had a 26 year
old mother, right?
00:41:50.64\00:41:52.91
And I remember being frustrated
with him at one point and us
00:41:53.27\00:41:56.98
not being able to see eye
to eye on some things until the
00:41:56.98\00:41:59.41
Lord really convicted me and
said Tamara, listen, you didn't
00:41:59.41\00:42:02.15
have, you didn't have the
same parent he had and I'm like,
00:42:02.15\00:42:04.49
well, yes, we did, you know,
Lord, we, Lord last I check our
00:42:04.52\00:42:08.62
DNA matches and the Lord had
to show me like, no, he had a 15
00:42:08.62\00:42:12.43
year old mother.
00:42:12.43\00:42:13.09
The experiences that he
had with her were drastically
00:42:13.60\00:42:15.73
different, albeit right yours.
00:42:15.73\00:42:18.03
It was yours and I had to,
I remember actually having to
00:42:18.33\00:42:21.14
humble myself and I remember
writing to my brother and
00:42:21.14\00:42:23.97
apologizing to him for judging
his subjective experience, you
00:42:23.97\00:42:30.41
know, and being willing to
take a step back and say Tamara,
00:42:30.41\00:42:32.81
your view was
different than his.
00:42:33.08\00:42:34.68
There's no need for you to
try to change that you can't so
00:42:34.92\00:42:38.42
choosing picking and
choosing your battles, right?
00:42:38.42\00:42:41.36
And listening and being willing
to listen instead of winning.
00:42:41.39\00:42:44.76
Yeah, okay.
00:42:45.13\00:42:46.19
Yeah, being right being right
is often one of the greatest
00:42:46.76\00:42:52.50
enemies to actual healing,
reconciliation, unity in a
00:42:52.50\00:42:59.44
family is because someone wants
to be right or someone wants
00:42:59.44\00:43:04.41
everyone else to see
things the way they see it.
00:43:04.41\00:43:07.82
Yeah, right.
00:43:07.82\00:43:14.89
is so important is
simple, but I have to listen.
00:43:14.89\00:43:17.29
Yeah, I have to listen first
to what the other person says.
00:43:17.29\00:43:20.96
I shared an experience before
where my son or oldest son, you
00:43:21.00\00:43:26.60
know, we love to cook is one
of the things we do as a family.
00:43:26.60\00:43:30.27
Everybody gets their
opportunity to kind of show off
00:43:30.74\00:43:33.21
their culinary skills, but we
were we were doing some cooking
00:43:33.21\00:43:37.71
one day.
00:43:37.71\00:43:43.65
got to a point
where the food was gone.
00:43:43.65\00:43:46.69
And the one thing I remembered
while everybody was eating was
00:43:47.26\00:43:50.73
my oldest son slurping.
00:43:50.73\00:43:52.46
It was noodles, some Asian
food, and I just remembered him
00:43:52.49\00:43:55.96
slurping and turn around like
boys you slurred one more time.
00:43:55.96\00:43:59.13
He was just, you
know, going at it.
00:43:59.50\00:44:01.34
And I remember I said to him,
you know, I said, man, because
00:44:01.57\00:44:06.74
Tamra hadn't eaten and I
said, man, I said, brother, you
00:44:06.74\00:44:10.11
couldn't save
anything for your mom.
00:44:10.11\00:44:12.05
I said, man, you
just you just greedy, man.
00:44:12.31\00:44:15.28
You ate up all the
food and whatever, whatever.
00:44:15.32\00:44:17.89
And my son, you know, I can't
even remember how old he was at
00:44:18.05\00:44:21.02
the time.
00:44:21.02\00:44:21.52
He started to cry.
00:44:21.99\00:44:23.09
And I'm like,
man, what's going on?
00:44:23.19\00:44:25.29
What's crying about?
00:44:25.33\00:44:26.03
Right.
00:44:26.43\00:44:26.66
And he began to paint a picture
of the family desiring to come
00:44:28.33\00:44:34.94
together and do something.
00:44:34.94\00:44:36.14
I was the only
one who wasn't there.
00:44:36.20\00:44:37.74
And when I got home, I came in
on what had become an exercise
00:44:38.34\00:44:42.88
in the family, preparing food
in the hopes that we could sit
00:44:42.88\00:44:46.41
down and enjoy
the food together.
00:44:46.41\00:44:48.65
He had been the one to pitch
the idea and so forth and so
00:44:48.98\00:44:51.95
on.
00:44:51.95\00:44:52.22
So it wasn't true.
00:44:52.45\00:44:53.25
He was thinking
about the family.
00:44:53.25\00:44:54.99
That's why we were having this
meal the way we were is because
00:44:55.26\00:44:58.16
he had initiated it.
00:44:58.16\00:44:59.73
But I saw something completely
different from what was
00:44:59.73\00:45:04.97
reality.
00:45:04.97\00:45:05.57
Yeah.
00:45:05.63\00:45:05.90
Right.
00:45:06.10\00:45:06.37
What did you do?
00:45:06.53\00:45:07.07
What was your response?
00:45:07.07\00:45:07.10
Oh, I had to apologize.
00:45:08.10\00:45:09.37
Okay.
00:45:09.37\00:45:09.77
Ding, ding, ding.
00:45:09.97\00:45:10.81
That's another
good one right there.
00:45:10.94\00:45:12.11
You know, when you get slapped
up with that, you're wrong.
00:45:12.74\00:45:15.41
Upside your head, which
the Holy Spirit will do.
00:45:15.71\00:45:17.85
We have to say, you know what?
00:45:18.01\00:45:20.45
Man, I apologize.
00:45:20.78\00:45:21.82
I was wrong.
00:45:21.98\00:45:23.15
And I should not
have said what I did.
00:45:23.69\00:45:26.22
I completely did not
understand the situation.
00:45:26.42\00:45:29.79
Please, you know,
just give me some mercy.
00:45:30.33\00:45:33.06
I should have given you mercy,
but please now, I need that.
00:45:33.19\00:45:36.60
So being able to humble
ourselves when God shows us
00:45:36.90\00:45:40.34
where we're wrong.
00:45:40.34\00:45:41.14
Sister Conway, you said that
being right is a relationship
00:45:41.57\00:45:44.27
killer.
00:45:44.27\00:45:44.71
Yeah.
00:45:44.84\00:45:45.27
And those are strong words.
00:45:45.51\00:45:46.98
Yeah.
00:45:46.98\00:45:52.55
removed all of the things that
the pastor did after the Holy
00:45:52.55\00:45:56.55
Ghost shed the light on him,
if he just stayed right where he
00:45:56.55\00:46:00.29
was, I can see how
that kills relationships.
00:46:00.29\00:46:02.46
Yeah.
00:46:02.46\00:46:02.92
By God's grace.
00:46:03.16\00:46:03.89
And we had talked earlier
about, you know, the idea of
00:46:04.33\00:46:09.56
discipling.
00:46:09.56\00:46:10.70
Yeah.
00:46:11.13\00:46:11.73
How do we fail?
00:46:12.13\00:46:13.67
We were talking about.
00:46:13.94\00:46:14.80
Yeah.
00:46:14.97\00:46:15.57
Well, guess who's
the best models of that?
00:46:15.94\00:46:17.41
I know we don't want to
be models of failure to our
00:46:17.41\00:46:20.71
children, but when I
can acknowledge, when I can
00:46:20.71\00:46:25.28
confess, when I can, you
know, ask for forgiveness where
00:46:25.28\00:46:30.09
necessary, when I can do
that, then I am in fact in the
00:46:30.09\00:46:34.92
context of the family.
00:46:34.92\00:46:36.93
I'm actually
teaching this is how you fail.
00:46:37.09\00:46:40.13
By example.
00:46:40.46\00:46:43.20
You don't hide it.
00:46:43.60\00:46:44.63
You don't make excuses.
00:46:45.07\00:46:46.20
You own it.
00:46:46.33\00:46:47.07
You acknowledge it.
00:46:47.07\00:46:48.24
You confess it.
00:46:48.27\00:46:49.04
And if I come over
here, let me talk to you, son.
00:46:49.30\00:46:51.27
Yeah.
00:46:51.34\00:46:51.64
Hey, man, I'm sorry.
00:46:51.87\00:46:52.81
Yeah.
00:46:52.81\00:46:53.04
No.
00:46:53.21\00:46:55.64
I needed to apologize
in front of everybody.
00:46:55.74\00:46:57.71
Strong stuff.
00:46:57.75\00:46:58.61
Strong stuff.
00:46:59.18\00:46:59.91
Fail and recover.
00:47:00.08\00:47:00.85
We do have a
question that has come in.
00:47:02.65\00:47:04.72
It says, I was raised by
a mother who all my life has
00:47:04.72\00:47:09.86
never really said anything
positive to me while growing up
00:47:09.86\00:47:13.06
and treated me much different
from the rest of my sisters,
00:47:13.06\00:47:16.26
though through, sorry, though
her and my two older sisters
00:47:17.33\00:47:21.97
have denied it
on many occasions.
00:47:21.97\00:47:23.71
Her negativity, anger and the
way she disciplined me and her
00:47:23.81\00:47:27.84
negative words has always
impacted me even now that I am
00:47:27.84\00:47:31.25
an adult.
00:47:31.25\00:47:35.78
this, she's been negative,
we never really got along.
00:47:35.78\00:47:39.49
But the biggest concern I've
had is that I've been negative
00:47:40.39\00:47:43.39
all my life.
00:47:43.39\00:47:44.36
I think negatively.
00:47:44.99\00:47:45.93
I talk negatively and I
treat my nephew not as bad as my
00:47:46.19\00:47:49.36
mother did, but it is still
negative and I'm constantly
00:47:49.36\00:47:53.07
nagging and I
absolutely hate it.
00:47:53.07\00:47:55.37
I know and I have been
struggling with this all my
00:47:55.67\00:47:59.61
life and no matter how I
pray, I'm still struggling.
00:47:59.61\00:48:02.48
My question is, how do
I correct this negativity?
00:48:02.54\00:48:06.28
Yes, yes.
00:48:06.92\00:48:08.25
One of the things I first want
to say is it's very powerful
00:48:08.82\00:48:12.49
that you acknowledge, which
is one of the exercises you just
00:48:12.49\00:48:16.62
did.
00:48:16.62\00:48:21.16
here's the thing and we are
very firm believers in this.
00:48:21.16\00:48:25.87
It would be nice for us to
get the acknowledgement from the
00:48:26.17\00:48:28.87
other people in our lives that
have harmed us in whatever way
00:48:28.87\00:48:31.71
that is.
00:48:31.71\00:48:35.44
Maybe the person is dead, we'll
never get the acknowledgement,
00:48:35.74\00:48:38.31
right?
00:48:38.58\00:48:42.28
never get the acknowledgement
or the person just doesn't see
00:48:42.28\00:48:45.22
things the way we see them.
00:48:45.22\00:48:46.59
So we may never get the
acknowledgement, but I'm so
00:48:46.79\00:48:49.79
grateful and glad by the grace
and power of God that we don't
00:48:49.79\00:48:52.03
need their permission to heal.
00:48:52.03\00:48:53.90
Once we become aware
that we have now taken on this
00:48:54.73\00:48:57.83
generational curse because
that's what it is, God has
00:48:57.83\00:49:00.47
given us the grace and power
through his word and through
00:49:00.47\00:49:03.10
tools to be able to do
the work to heal on purpose.
00:49:03.10\00:49:05.84
And so you acknowledging
that you now have this burden,
00:49:06.64\00:49:09.74
here's a little small exercise
that I do with a lot of my
00:49:09.84\00:49:13.45
mental health
coach clients, right?
00:49:13.45\00:49:14.92
It is the event thought mood
record because you can't fight
00:49:15.22\00:49:19.19
what you don't
know is there, right?
00:49:19.19\00:49:21.36
Or the root of it.
00:49:21.36\00:49:22.22
When did it begin?
00:49:22.36\00:49:23.06
Why did it start?
00:49:23.16\00:49:23.96
A lot of our emotions are
attached to events that take
00:49:24.56\00:49:27.96
place.
00:49:27.96\00:49:31.30
top is this thing, but
underneath are the tentacles of
00:49:31.30\00:49:34.00
the real reality.
00:49:34.00\00:49:34.87
And so an event happens
and you are struck, right?
00:49:35.20\00:49:40.48
We call it triggered nowadays,
but we know that other people
00:49:40.58\00:49:43.14
are not
responsible for our triggers.
00:49:43.14\00:49:44.55
We are.
00:49:44.75\00:49:45.28
Once the event happens, you now
begin to have a thought, right?
00:49:46.21\00:49:50.19
That thought may be something
that was spoken to you as a
00:49:50.49\00:49:53.32
child or for a myriad of
different spaces in your life,
00:49:53.32\00:49:56.29
but you are triggered to have
that thought by an event and
00:49:56.29\00:49:59.53
then it sends you into a mood,
but you get an opportunity,
00:49:59.53\00:50:03.40
one, to ask yourself why
because why is an important
00:50:03.70\00:50:07.14
question.
00:50:07.14\00:50:07.90
Then once you ask yourself why
and where this came from, you
00:50:08.40\00:50:11.17
now know this is not from God
and this isn't something that
00:50:11.17\00:50:15.24
belongs to me.
00:50:15.24\00:50:15.98
This belongs to
someone else, right?
00:50:16.11\00:50:18.01
Whether it's the enemy or
that family member and you can't
00:50:18.18\00:50:20.75
expect the family member
to take responsibility for it
00:50:20.75\00:50:22.52
because they're sick.
00:50:22.52\00:50:23.45
And when I say sick, I
say mentally, spiritually,
00:50:23.59\00:50:26.22
emotionally sick, right?
00:50:26.35\00:50:27.49
Now God comes in and says,
listen, they can't take it from
00:50:27.49\00:50:31.33
you and you can't
take it from yourself.
00:50:31.33\00:50:33.40
Through my word, let me speak
truth to you and you need to
00:50:33.73\00:50:36.90
combat that with the word.
00:50:36.90\00:50:38.60
So event, thought, mood record
is allowing you to record the
00:50:39.07\00:50:42.80
event that happened, the mood
and the thoughts that you have
00:50:42.80\00:50:45.51
and what does God's word say
to you about that thing, right?
00:50:45.51\00:50:50.48
Whatsoever things are true,
whatsoever things are honest,
00:50:50.61\00:50:52.85
whatsoever things are lovely.
00:50:52.95\00:50:53.92
If you were told
that you were ugly, right?
00:50:54.05\00:50:56.18
What does God say about you?
00:50:56.18\00:50:57.49
You were created in my image.
00:50:57.52\00:50:58.89
So that dispels that.
00:50:58.89\00:50:58.92
So whatever it is, that
negativity that you have,
00:51:00.62\00:51:03.93
right?
00:51:03.93\00:51:04.33
It doesn't belong to you.
00:51:04.56\00:51:06.06
You don't have to hold on to it.
00:51:06.16\00:51:07.76
You can identify it, recognize
it, call it what it is and
00:51:07.96\00:51:12.47
begin to do battle with
it with the word of God.
00:51:12.47\00:51:14.74
Yes, please Pastor.
00:51:16.37\00:51:19.84
Philippians 4.
00:51:19.84\00:51:20.71
If there be any virtue, if
there be any praise, which it
00:51:21.78\00:51:26.38
doesn't sound like
there is in this communication
00:51:26.38\00:51:29.78
relationship,
think on these things.
00:51:29.78\00:51:32.39
Another passage that comes to
mind, of course, 2 Corinthians
00:51:33.62\00:51:36.86
3, 18, the principle is by
beholding we become changed.
00:51:36.86\00:51:40.66
So if I continue to meditate
and ruminate on the negative
00:51:40.96\00:51:46.47
things that have been
spoken to me, then guess what?
00:51:46.47\00:51:49.57
I'm going to have negative
things to say to others.
00:51:49.84\00:51:53.34
So acknowledging as Tamar
mentioned, powerful and then
00:51:53.34\00:51:58.35
choosing to meditate on
the things that are true.
00:51:58.35\00:52:01.18
Yes.
00:52:01.18\00:52:01.88
And then here's, this
is difficult sometimes.
00:52:02.12\00:52:06.59
You actually talked about
it, which is I cannot expect a
00:52:06.76\00:52:13.26
whole and healed response
from a person who is not well.
00:52:13.26\00:52:17.70
And a lot of times what we
do is we are basing our healing
00:52:18.30\00:52:23.17
and our wholeness on my
mother's healing and wholeness.
00:52:23.17\00:52:27.78
So it's like I'm
waiting on her to change.
00:52:28.14\00:52:30.01
And when she
changes, then I'll change.
00:52:30.11\00:52:33.48
But it's like, you
know, why is she in control?
00:52:34.32\00:52:38.22
For some, it's a mother.
00:52:38.92\00:52:40.26
For others, it's a father.
00:52:40.56\00:52:41.92
It may be a sibling.
00:52:42.42\00:52:43.73
Why is my transformation
based on their schedule?
00:52:44.76\00:52:49.90
As my wife alluded to and as
she stated so beautifully, you
00:52:50.57\00:52:54.30
know, we don't need anybody
else's permission to heal.
00:52:54.30\00:52:57.61
You know, we can
choose by the grace of God.
00:52:58.14\00:53:00.54
We can choose healing on
our own and we can be healed.
00:53:00.84\00:53:05.48
I love this.
00:53:05.85\00:53:06.78
God gives us the ability
to respond to others hurtful,
00:53:07.12\00:53:13.62
toxic, painful speech from
a place of health and healing
00:53:13.82\00:53:19.79
instead of responding from
a place of hurt, which is so
00:53:19.79\00:53:24.10
often what we do.
00:53:24.10\00:53:25.23
We give what we receive instead
of, no, I'm in a place of
00:53:25.23\00:53:30.27
health now.
00:53:30.27\00:53:31.07
If, you know, if you go into a
hospital and a person is having
00:53:31.51\00:53:34.88
an episode, you don't see
the nurses and the doctors start
00:53:34.88\00:53:37.75
having their own episodes.
00:53:37.75\00:53:38.91
They know I'm here because I'm
supposed to be the person who's
00:53:39.31\00:53:43.22
operating from a position
of health and I'm here to help
00:53:43.22\00:53:46.52
this individual.
00:53:46.52\00:53:47.46
Yeah.
00:53:48.36\00:53:51.49
the first step.
00:53:51.49\00:53:52.53
Yes.
00:53:52.53\00:53:52.96
By acknowledging.
00:53:53.29\00:53:54.00
They are, they
seem to be self -aware.
00:53:54.20\00:53:56.56
Excellent.
00:53:56.70\00:53:57.13
Right?
00:53:57.20\00:53:57.53
That's powerful.
00:53:57.87\00:53:58.73
Man, as G.I.
00:53:59.03\00:53:59.90
Joe says, knowing
is half the battle.
00:53:59.90\00:54:01.90
Well, my sister...
00:54:04.71\00:54:05.24
Telling my age.
00:54:05.24\00:54:10.48
being redundant so that we all
know for sure if she's at the
00:54:10.48\00:54:15.12
acknowledgement phase, what
would you say, or he, I don't
00:54:15.12\00:54:17.25
know if they said it, what
would you say is the next thing
00:54:17.25\00:54:20.59
our anonymous
inquirer should do?
00:54:20.59\00:54:23.59
Well, I would have to talk more
with them to see exactly what
00:54:26.63\00:54:31.47
some of the things are
that they're dealing with.
00:54:31.47\00:54:33.00
But it sounds like there
is, there's a challenge in their
00:54:33.23\00:54:38.54
own relationship with a nephew
of being critical and some of
00:54:38.54\00:54:45.01
the same negativity that they
received, they are now giving.
00:54:45.01\00:54:48.55
So since we cannot, we cannot
control what someone else says
00:54:49.72\00:54:54.36
to us, what we would encourage
people to do is to focus on
00:54:54.36\00:54:58.29
what we can change.
00:54:58.29\00:54:59.59
The mouth that we do by the
grace of God have some power
00:54:59.96\00:55:03.57
over and that's our own.
00:55:03.57\00:55:05.03
And so this relationship
between my nephew and I can be
00:55:05.57\00:55:09.77
addressed and it can be fixed
by God giving me power over my
00:55:09.77\00:55:13.44
thoughts as a man
thinketh in his heart.
00:55:13.44\00:55:15.74
So is he out of the abundance
of the heart, the mouth speaks
00:55:16.01\00:55:19.48
as God gives me control and
power over my thinking and my
00:55:19.48\00:55:23.55
thoughts and my language.
00:55:23.55\00:55:25.05
There can be healing here.
00:55:25.35\00:55:26.79
That's what I can control
instead of putting all the
00:55:27.22\00:55:30.23
focus on what I can't control.
00:55:30.23\00:55:31.63
There are some exercises that
one can do to maintain positive
00:55:32.83\00:55:37.63
thinking, you know, to think on
things, a good report and what
00:55:37.63\00:55:41.94
can we do about a couple
of minutes before the break.
00:55:41.94\00:55:44.57
Yeah, I think one of
them is the word of God.
00:55:45.11\00:55:46.78
And by the way, I'm a
recovering toxic, hypercritical
00:55:46.91\00:55:52.21
individual.
00:55:52.21\00:55:52.75
Wonderful book.
00:55:53.65\00:55:54.42
I can't remember.
00:55:54.62\00:55:55.52
I think it's Van De Waal was
the author looking for the good
00:55:56.25\00:56:01.16
because some of us have been
so accustomed to looking for the
00:56:01.89\00:56:05.19
bad that we don't even know.
00:56:05.19\00:56:06.96
So looking for the good
and of course scripture.
00:56:07.03\00:56:09.23
I agree.
00:56:10.00\00:56:13.57
you're listening to, the people
that you are entertaining, your
00:56:13.57\00:56:16.47
friends and even
sometimes family members.
00:56:16.47\00:56:18.51
You may have to adjust those
things in order to begin to
00:56:18.84\00:56:21.61
change your outlook on life
and to adjust your thinking and
00:56:21.61\00:56:25.01
thought patterns.
00:56:25.01\00:56:25.68
Can you say that again?
00:56:26.21\00:56:27.22
We may say that again.
00:56:27.28\00:56:28.78
We may need to do some changing
the things we watch, the things
00:56:28.88\00:56:31.75
we listen to the
Internet, TV and even people.
00:56:31.75\00:56:35.99
If I'm around constantly
critical, hypercritical people
00:56:35.99\00:56:38.93
or people who speak negatively,
I may need to change that.
00:56:38.93\00:56:42.10
Yes.
00:56:42.33\00:56:46.03
Yes.
00:56:46.43\00:56:47.14
Everyone word knows what it's
talking about when it tells us
00:56:47.70\00:56:49.37
what to focus on.
00:56:49.37\00:56:50.11
So the input
always affects the output.
00:56:50.24\00:56:52.04
It's how life functions.
00:56:52.97\00:56:54.08
You know, we have just a little
bit of time before our break.
00:56:55.38\00:56:58.78
So I just want to take this
opportunity to remind those of
00:56:58.81\00:57:02.08
you all who are fellowshipping
with us that you can send in
00:57:02.08\00:57:05.49
your questions.
00:57:05.49\00:57:06.15
That was an excellent question.
00:57:06.19\00:57:07.42
And thank you for being willing
to share to live at 3abn.tv and
00:57:07.42\00:57:12.63
you can text your
questions to 618-228-3975.
00:57:12.63\00:57:18.23
Make sure you don't call.
00:57:18.37\00:57:19.40
Nothing will happen.
00:57:19.53\00:57:20.20
But text your questions.
00:57:20.50\00:57:22.07
And the book that the pastor
suggested was looking for the
00:57:22.14\00:57:26.68
good.
00:57:26.68\00:57:28.84
Neil Van Der Waal.
00:57:29.21\00:57:30.15
I told you you may
need your pen and pencil.
00:57:30.21\00:57:31.88
Write that down.
00:57:32.21\00:57:36.82
change in our lives.
00:57:36.82\00:57:37.92
We'll be right back
after a little break.
00:57:38.19\00:57:40.36
This is very powerful.
00:57:40.99\00:57:41.86