Participants:
Series Code: TDYL
Program Code: TDYL250009A
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00:04 I want to spend my life.
00:10 Mending broken people. 00:15 I want to spend my life. 00:36 I want to spend my life. 00:47 I want to spend my life. 01:06 Hello and welcome to 3ABN Today Live. 01:09 We are so glad that you have joined us this evening. 01:12 And yes, it is a live program, just like I said. 01:15 It's Thursday evening here in Southern Illinois. 01:17 And you know, Jill, we decided to do this program as a live 01:21 because of the topic and because we want to engage with 01:24 you. 01:28 of us, including you, are either dealing with or have 01:32 dealt with. 01:36 with. 01:36 And that has to do with grief. 01:37 And it's not just grief and the loss of maybe a family member 01:41 or a friend. 01:46 didn't work out as you would plan. 01:47 Maybe you lost your job. 01:48 You're going through a season of grief. 01:50 So many different aspects of grief. 01:52 And so, Jill, we have a really special, I'm going to call them 01:55 family member here, right? 01:57 3ABN. 01:58 Absolutely. 01:59 Tonight's topic is grief, grace and gratitude. 02:03 And you might think, what does gratitude have to do with grief 02:06 and grace? 02:07 We will unpack and discover that tonight before we 02:11 introduce our family here on the set. 02:14 I just want to let you know this is a live program. 02:16 If you're dealing with grief in your life, if you're walking 02:20 through a season where you're wondering, where are you, God? 02:23 And you're struggling in your walk. 02:26 We want to pray for you. 02:28 Call us right now with either your questions on grief or your 02:32 prayer needs and prayer requests. 02:34 The call center is open and the sooner you get those in, the 02:38 sooner we make sure we can read those and pray over them and 02:41 answer those questions here tonight. 02:43 So you can call us at 618-627 -4651. 02:48 That number is 618-627-4651. 02:52 You can pick up your cell phone and text in your questions at 02:56 618 -228-3975. 03:01 That's 618-228-3975. 03:04 Or you can email your questions live at 3ABN.TV. 03:10 That's L-I-V-E at 3ABN.TV. 03:14 So our family member on the set with us tonight is Dr. Frank 03:19 Hasel. 03:19 Good to be here with you. 03:23 Research Institute. 03:25 And I know you've been on before and we were so blessed 03:29 by your own journey. 03:32 You've written this book, Love Is a Journey of Grief, Grace, 03:37 and Gratitude. 03:38 And we'll be talking about your journey. 03:40 But tell us in a nutshell what happened in your life back in 03:44 2009. 03:45 Well, in 2009, something happened that I never wished 03:48 would happen. 03:50 And that is, my wife got sick with breast cancer. 03:56 And within just not even a year, she died and left me and 04:03 our three children basically alone. 04:06 And that completely changed my life and turned everything 04:11 upside down. 04:12 And I have learned to live with that and arrange with that and 04:18 cope with that in various ways since then. 04:22 Up until now, it's still a learning experience. 04:26 Yeah, I think when we talk about these topics, sometimes 04:30 we can say, okay, they're just talking about it. 04:33 They don't know about it. 04:34 But Dr. Hasel has been through this and is going through this. 04:37 And we can unpack this a little bit further in the program. 04:40 But I know you say that grief is an expression of love, 04:49 correct? 04:53 look at it. 04:54 So if you didn't love, you wouldn't grieve. 04:55 That's something that I learned new, really, that I didn't see 04:59 like that before. 05:00 But if you start to understand that the reason why you grieve 05:07 is because you loved the person in the first place. 05:10 You would not grieve if you had some love experience with a 05:15 person. 05:18 seen, never heard, where you don't have any close connection 05:23 with, you don't grieve. 05:24 But the closer you are with the person, the more you've loved 05:28 the person, the more intense that relationship was, the more 05:31 intense the grief is. 05:33 So grief really is an expression of our love for the 05:36 person. 05:37 And that helped me to understand why grief can be so 05:40 intense, why grief can come up at the most unexpected little 05:46 circumstances that you don't even think about. 05:49 You know, just like love permeates everything in your 05:52 life, from the cooking to the vacation to the work life and 05:59 everything in between, all of a sudden a little something that 06:03 you read, the music that you hear, the smell that you smell, 06:08 and all of a sudden you're reminded of the other person 06:11 and it brings back memories. 06:13 Yeah, yeah. 06:15 We're going to unpack this story, his story, his journey 06:19 of grief and grace in the midst of that and gratitude. 06:23 And where is God in the midst of that? 06:25 The art of biblical lament and many more things. 06:29 But first we're going to go to some music. 06:31 Reggie and Lady Love Smith are with us and the song they'll be 06:35 ministering is I Will Serve You. 06:53 I will serve thee because I love thee. 07:04 You have given life. 07:16 There was nothing before you found me. 07:25 You have given 07:34 to me 07:41 heartaches and broken pieces. 07:52 Waves are why you 08:07 is what I long for. 08:14 You have given life. 08:27 I will serve thee 08:36 because I love thee. 08:44 To me 08:56 before you found me. 09:03 You have given life to me. 09:24 Broken pieces. 09:31 Ruined lives are why you died all three. 09:45 Your touch was what I long 09:56 for. 09:56 You have given life to me. 10:11 You have given 10:19 to me. 10:42 Thank you so very much Reggie and Lady Love Smith. 10:45 I will serve thee. 10:47 Praise God for that. 10:48 No matter what we are going through in life, God wants us 10:52 to praise Him and to serve Him. 10:56 We're here this evening with Dr. Frank Hasel. 10:59 He of course has an important role at the Biblical Research 11:03 Institute. 11:03 He's the Associate Director. 11:04 But this evening he's here talking to us about grief. 11:08 And we titled the program, Grief, Grace and Gratitude, 11:12 which really is the title of his book. 11:13 And the title of his book is we have it here this evening and 11:16 we have something really special to tell you about this 11:18 book too. 11:19 It's Love is a Journey of Grief, Grace and Gratitude. 11:24 A very powerful book. 11:26 Several months ago we had the privilege of having Dr. Frank 11:29 Hasel here at 3ABN for today's program. 11:33 And the response was absolutely tremendous, Jules. 11:35 So we decided, you know what, let's bring him back for an 11:37 actual live program. 11:38 So yes, this is a live program. 11:40 And you may say, well, why is that? 11:42 Well, because we are opening up the phone lines for any 11:45 questions, comments or prayer requests. 11:49 We want to pray over your prayer requests this evening. 11:52 And so the phone number for the call center, they're down 11:54 there, I think Marilyn or Rachel and the team are down at 11:56 the call center this evening just waiting for your phone 11:58 call. 12:00 If you're listening on radio, here it is, 618-627-4651. 12:07 And you may have an actual cell phone and want to text. 12:10 So you can text 3ABN. 12:11 Isn't that amazing? 12:12 Technology. 12:14 It's 618-228-3975. 12:19 So you can take your cell phone out and text us your question, 12:22 comment, prayer request, 618 -228-3975. 12:26 And Jill, let me look at my notes. 12:27 You can also email, if you like to email, live at 3ABN.tv. 12:33 And I want to just mention this too. 12:34 Thank you so much, Dr. Frank, because you have actually 12:36 provided this book to 3ABN. 12:38 I know we have a hundred of them coming here. 12:40 And so you can order this book tonight. 12:43 It's a suggested donation of $19. 12:45 And that's postage paid to you here in the U.S. 12:48 So kind of first come, first serve. 12:50 The call center is open. 12:51 Is it available online? 12:52 It is online as well. 12:53 This just happened like today. 12:55 This is a live program here Thursday night. 12:57 So I believe they have this up on the website. 12:59 So you can quickly go to the website. 13:00 Hey, thank you so much, Ian and the team there. 13:04 3ABNstore.com. 13:05 And that's the website you can go to to order it online. 13:07 Or just call the call center, order the book, suggested 13:10 donation, $19, postage paid to you here in the U.S. 13:13 And then also give us your prayer request, your question 13:15 or comment for Dr. Hossel this evening. 13:18 But looking forward to this evening's program. 13:20 And again, it's about grief. 13:22 And it's not just about losing a loved one. 13:24 We're going to unpack his story a little bit more. 13:26 But it's actually anything in life that you had planned on 13:29 and something happened and you're going through a grieving 13:30 process. 13:31 So stay tuned for all two hours tonight. 13:34 And here's a prayer request, the first one that came in. 13:36 So we'll read this one now from Marinda. 13:38 Well, when you send in your prayer requests, we want to 13:42 pray over them or your questions for Dr. Hossel 13:45 regarding grief. 13:46 Tell us where you're from. 13:48 You might say just give us the state where you live or the 13:51 country where you live because we'd like to give a shout out 13:54 to that as well. 13:57 prayer for her friend who went into the hospital this evening. 14:01 Oh, wow, just this evening. 14:03 So let's stop and just have a quick prayer when we get an 14:07 accumulation, we'll pray over more. 14:09 But let's have a quick prayer for Marinda's friend Karen 14:12 right now. 14:14 Holy Father, we come before you in the name of Jesus and we 14:16 lift up Karen before you. 14:18 Lord, we ask right now you work with the doctors and the nurses 14:22 who are working with her. 14:23 We don't know what her physical condition is, but you do. 14:26 You are the great physician and we commit her to you. 14:30 We're asking for grace, for peace, for your special 14:33 presence to be with her. 14:35 And Lord, we pray for Marinda that you would bring comfort to 14:38 her heart at this time as well and we thank you in Jesus' 14:41 name. 14:42 Amen. 14:44 So Dr. Frank, tell us, you were telling us just before we went 14:48 to the music, your wife diagnosed with breast cancer in 14:53 2009. 14:55 Thank you. 14:57 What went through your mind at that time? 14:59 What emotions were you dealing with when you discovered that 15:02 diagnosis? 15:04 You know, this is something that you don't expect. 15:10 Especially if you live a healthy lifestyle, if there's 15:15 no indication whatsoever that this might happen. 15:19 But since we live in a sinful world, even those who have the 15:24 most healthiest lifestyle are affected by negative things 15:28 that are part of this world and part of our experience. 15:33 So when we first heard about the news, it was a shock. 15:40 Yeah. 15:41 And we had to process that. 15:44 And with the shock comes a sense of fear. 15:48 Because even today, you know, with all the advances in 15:53 medicine and science, cancer is a disease. 15:58 It's a scary word. 15:59 That is not easy to handle because it is so unpredictable. 16:08 If I have a cold, if I have a fever, I'll take a little 16:10 medicine and the thing is done. 16:12 But here we are dealing with something that nobody has the 16:17 final control over. 16:19 And you have to learn that there are some things in life 16:22 that are just not in your power to control as you would like 16:27 to. 16:32 all the open questions that come along with it and the 16:36 fears, you know, and the not knowing how will this end, will 16:40 she make it, will the treatments be, you know, 16:44 helpful or not, and what will be the outcome and all these 16:49 things. 16:55 the uncertainty, the in-between of not knowing how things will 17:01 end. 17:02 This, I think, is draining. 17:05 It's draining your energies and is even affecting your 17:08 spiritual life. 17:10 And not only was it you and your wife dealing with this, 17:14 but you also have three sons. 17:17 How old were they at the time in 2009? 17:20 Well, the youngest was just 11 and the oldest was 19. 17:26 16. 17:27 So, yeah, you have to deal with all these questions as well, 17:35 and then I'm working full-time. 17:38 And she was working full-time, not full-time, but part-time. 17:44 But, you know, you have to adjust your life to so many 17:49 things. 17:51 family picture of you guys back in, I think, 2009, or close to 17:54 that time there. 17:55 Yes. 17:57 What year was this? 17:58 Was this 2009? 17:59 I cannot tell you, but it was a little earlier than that. 18:03 Yeah, beautiful family. 18:04 You were two earlier. 18:06 Yeah, wow. 18:08 How do you deal with that? 18:09 Because I'm sure someone tonight is saying, you know, 18:11 hey, I'm in this situation. 18:12 How do I even talk to my children about this, that 18:15 something may happen to mommy or daddy? 18:17 Or how do you even process or communicate that with your 18:20 children? 18:24 succeeded in doing that well, you know, because for one 18:29 thing, when you are afraid of some things, you're not in a 18:32 position to communicate well. 18:33 Yeah. 18:34 Wow. 18:35 That's a deep statement. 18:37 Mm-hmm. 18:37 That is. 18:38 That's so true. 18:39 And you have to learn to deal with your own uncertainties and 18:43 questions and fears in the first place. 18:46 But I was fortunate enough to have a partner with whom I 18:51 could speak honestly, and she did the same with me, and so we 18:57 could talk about these things and even talk about our fears. 19:02 Yeah. 19:07 perhaps it could be that she would not make it. 19:14 You know, if you're still not saying that she will die, this 19:17 is too raw to even articulate as a word, and it takes some 19:23 time even after the event until you're able to specifically 19:29 name the thing that happened. 19:32 But on the other hand, the moment you're able to do that, 19:35 it's the start, I think, of a healing process, because at the 19:39 beginning, you're not even able to mention it because it hurts 19:44 so much, you know, and you don't want to admit it in the 19:49 first place. 19:53 in your mind or in discussions with your wife, like if she 19:57 were not to make it, does that feel like I'm not possessing 20:00 enough faith or...? 20:02 No, actually, to be quite honest, this is not how we ever 20:07 felt. 20:07 Okay. 20:08 Some people have that experience or that feeling, but 20:14 with us, this was never a matter of having enough faith 20:19 or not enough faith because we knew full well that God is 20:24 capable of doing miracles. 20:26 I've worked as a pastor for many years. 20:29 I have seen people who had cancer and were healed in a 20:35 miraculous way. 20:36 So I know God is alive. 20:39 He's still alive today. 20:40 He is capable of doing remarkable things, miracles 20:44 indeed, and yet this is not a guarantee that this will happen 20:49 all the time. 20:50 So the real challenge is not that you believe that God can 20:56 make a miracle, but the real challenge is to trust God fully 21:01 enough even if He does not make the miracle. 21:06 Wow. 21:07 Yes. 21:07 That's good. 21:14 you don't see the immediate result or the hope for a 21:19 miracle in your life. 21:21 And I think that is something that we need to learn as 21:24 Christians. 21:25 We all want to see the miracle. 21:26 We all... 21:28 True. 21:28 That's understandable. 21:30 And yet at the same time, I think we have to learn with 21:35 open questions. 21:36 We have to learn to trust God despite and even if our wishes 21:43 are not fulfilled as we desire them or want to see them. 21:50 I like the question as far as Jill was asking about you and 21:52 your wife. 21:55 again. 21:56 It just keeps coming back in my mind that you've got an 11-year 22:00 -old. 22:01 Yes. 22:01 Right? 22:06 Right? 22:07 So when it comes that she passes, I know He's not here on 22:11 the set tonight that we can ask Him directly. 22:14 But still that process of like, okay, so we pray to find the 22:18 car keys and God shows us the car keys. 22:20 We pray for Mommy who's to me much more valuable than car 22:23 keys. 22:24 And we find the car keys, but Mommy's not healed. 22:29 Those are difficult questions and I don't know that we even 22:32 know all the answers to eternity maybe, but those are 22:35 tough things that people, especially kids, even adults, 22:38 ask. 22:39 You know, absolutely, and there are no easy answers to those 22:43 questions. 22:45 But I think it is important to remember two things. 22:49 Okay. 22:55 and I'm not saying that I succeeded in that or we 22:58 succeeded in that sometimes, you know, you learn after the 23:02 event. 23:02 Of course. 23:03 Yeah, of course. 23:05 But even then, you know, it is important not just to portray 23:09 God as a God who is always fulfilling our prayers in the 23:13 way we desire, because He knows more and He knows better and He 23:17 knows things that we are not aware of. 23:19 And yet to talk about God in such a way that our trust in 23:23 God is not diminished, but is strengthened. 23:26 So that is the first challenge. 23:28 Yes. 23:31 especially with children who are younger is that often these 23:36 children, young children for that matter, are not even able 23:40 to articulate what they think about this. 23:43 Yes. 23:49 that I went to our family doctor who had helped us in the 23:53 final stages of her sickness and knew our family very well. 23:57 And so I was with him for some other reason. 24:01 And he just asked, you know, Frank, how are you doing? 24:03 You know, how is the family doing? 24:05 And so I told him and I said, well, I try to talk about it, 24:10 to give them an opportunity to speak about their feelings, to 24:14 articulate. 24:15 But I said, my youngest never says a word. 24:20 Wow. 24:20 You know? 24:21 And then the doctor, you know, you learn things. 24:25 Yeah, sure. 24:26 Right? 24:31 11 -year-old to say? 24:33 He has no words for that experience. 24:35 He has never experienced that. 24:37 He cannot even find the words to articulate what he is going 24:42 through. 24:50 children even with the inability to express things. 24:53 Or even, you know, even in their anger or even in their 24:58 not understanding or their tough questions about God and 25:04 His justice and His love and His mercy. 25:07 This is not that they are denying everything, but you 25:09 know, everything is in turmoil. 25:12 Everything is upside down. 25:14 And so you just have to accept that not everybody is in a 25:18 position to react the way you would like them to react. 25:23 And be understanding and accept that too, right? 25:27 Because each of your children probably process that grief 25:29 differently. 25:30 Everyone processes it very differently. 25:32 That's a good point. 25:34 And there is a reason for that because everyone has a 25:38 different relationship to that person. 25:41 That's good. 25:48 husband and friend. 25:49 That's right. 25:50 The relationship of my oldest is a different relationship 25:53 from the youngest. 25:54 Of course. 25:55 Even though it's the same mother. 25:56 That's right. 25:57 There's a different relationship. 25:58 And that's why every person relates even to the same person 26:02 in different ways. 26:03 Yeah. 26:07 handle this situation, you should also. 26:09 Right. 26:13 relationship to that person. 26:15 And you need to take that into consideration. 26:18 Thank you all for sending in your prayer requests. 26:22 You can call us 618-627-4651. 26:28 Greg distracted me over here. 26:29 Yes, sir. 26:30 He had a mic issue. 26:31 618-627-4651. 26:35 Call in those prayer requests or those questions on grief 26:38 specifically for Dr. Frank Haslow here this evening. 26:42 We're hearing his journey of grief and grace and gratitude 26:47 here this evening. 26:48 Or you can get his book when you call in. 26:51 Say, yes, you want a copy of his book. 26:53 As Greg referenced, we have a hundred coming in. 26:56 That's the first batch. 26:57 We can always order more, but that's the first batch. 27:00 So definitely we'd love you to have a copy of that book. 27:03 Or you can get it at 3ABNstore .com as well. 27:09 We have several prayer requests that have come in and we'll 27:12 pray for them. 27:15 He lives in Nashville, Tennessee. 27:17 He wants prayer. 27:18 His wife died. 27:19 He lost his eyesight. 27:22 Feels that God has left him. 27:25 His vision started leaving when he buried his wife and it's all 27:29 gone now. 27:30 He's so lonely. 27:32 He used to come up to 3ABN, but now he can't and he just has 27:37 difficulty getting out to church. 27:40 What would you tell him? 27:41 Is there anything specific in the midst of that? 27:46 Well, the only thing that comes to my mind right now is really 27:53 God understands and God is at your side and he is your 28:00 friend. 28:01 And talk to him, talk to him. 28:04 And I hope you find some other friends and people around that 28:10 can just be with him and be your presence in his life. 28:16 I want to just bring this up and maybe it's out of order and 28:19 we can come back to it or however it's come to mind, but 28:21 that's the whole aspect of the grief as far as losing a 28:24 spouse, but then he talks about losing his eyesight. 28:28 Could we say that could be grief as well? 28:32 That's a double, triple grief. 28:35 Grief is not just loss of a loved one, but this is a loss 28:37 of being able to see. 28:39 If you have an accident, you lose the ability to walk. 28:43 True, paralyzed or something. 28:45 And you're grieving about not being able to pursue your 28:48 career, your profession, your dreams, your aspirations, 28:52 whatever it is. 28:53 And that's a grieving process. 28:55 If somebody ruins your reputation by talking 28:59 negatively about it, that's a grieving process as well. 29:02 And then of course, loss is grief as well. 29:08 Yeah, see those are great things because to be honest 29:10 with you, I hadn't really thought of grief that way. 29:13 You know, it's just usually to me it's more of loss of a loved 29:15 one or even like I remember as a kid, you know, my little pet 29:18 died and I was really sad that my cat had died and dog. 29:21 And that's a grief process too. 29:22 It is, yes. 29:23 Not to be ignored. 29:27 other. 29:30 And if that is no longer there, something is missing in your 29:33 life. 29:36 grief tonight. 29:38 So we're talking about it, but we are going to get to how we 29:40 process it, how we work through it, how the Bible can help us. 29:44 It's just, yeah, just a lot of great things. 29:46 This two hours are going by quickly. 29:48 So you've got some prayer requests here. 29:49 Maybe we'll just run through these and have a prayer and 29:51 then go back to your journey. 29:53 I'll ask you to pray, Dr. Frank. 29:54 Okay, you want to read some too? 29:56 Sure, let me get my glasses on so I can see. 29:58 Let's see, good evening. 30:00 Yes, this is a say, this is okay. 30:03 Please pray for my daughter, Destiny, in getting a position 30:07 she interviewed for, so a job, and help her to stay hopeful in 30:11 the Lord. 30:11 That's a good point. 30:12 Sometimes when you're trying to get something and it's not 30:15 working out, you can lose faith. 30:16 So that's great. 30:18 Pray for her. 30:19 And then from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, so very much, so 30:22 we'll definitely keep her in prayer, Destiny. 30:25 This is Nathan. 30:26 He says, I'm watching the program. 30:28 Please pray for me. 30:29 Doesn't say what he needs, but the Lord knows and we will pray 30:33 for that. 30:34 This is Joy. 30:35 She lives in the British Virgin Islands. 30:37 She's turning 90 in May, so happy early birthday, Joy. 30:42 She says, she watches 3 AM all the time. 30:46 This one's from Delaware, Anonymous. 30:50 Pray for Valanda who was hospitalized today. 30:54 Okay, this is from Sam. 30:56 I'm asked for prayer for protection from the enemy and 31:00 those that mean him harm and Anonymous. 31:05 Please pray for my son, Vaughn. 31:09 So children, definitely. 31:11 Wow, a lot of hurting and grieving people there. 31:14 Let's have her a short prayer, Dr. Frank. 31:15 If you wouldn't mind. 31:16 Sure. 31:17 Please. 31:17 Let's pray. 31:19 Gracious Lord, you know us. 31:23 You're familiar with all the little big and gigantic 31:28 challenges that we face and you've heard the people and the 31:34 requests that have been submitted here and we just lift 31:36 them up to you that you will be with destiny and keep her 31:42 hopeful that this experience of looking for a new job can be an 31:48 experience that draws her closer to you. 31:51 We also ask for Nathan who hasn't given us any specifics 31:56 but you know his case. 31:58 You know where he needs your help and where he needs 32:01 encouragement and so we lift him up and we also ask in a 32:07 special way for Joy who is joining us from the British 32:11 Virgin Islands and Valanda and the Sun and Sam who asked for 32:18 special protection from the enemy and you're stronger than 32:22 any enemy so we ask that you will be a safe wall around him 32:27 and give him strength and help him to look to you and so we 32:34 pray for all these people and everyone who is watching right 32:38 now in Jesus' name, Amen. 32:42 I want to go back to the gentleman who wrote in who lost 32:45 his wife and then his eyesight. 32:47 Let's talk for a moment about dealing with other people who 32:52 have grief. 32:53 So this is kind of a two-sided question I guess we could say. 32:57 First of all, if you're the one grieving how do you reach out 33:00 to other people and find safe people who can be a support? 33:04 And then on the flip side let's talk about other people how we 33:08 can reach out and offer helpful help to those who are grieving. 33:14 What are things that people can do to help other people? 33:18 Yeah, good question. 33:20 I know there's a lot in that, sorry. 33:22 So let's start with the first one. 33:24 How do you reach out if you're affected yourself? 33:27 You probably don't. 33:29 You just don't have the energy. 33:31 You don't have the drive to reach out. 33:34 You don't know, is the other person even available? 33:38 Do I have to explain myself here? 33:39 Do I have to ask? 33:41 And when you're dealing with a serious situation like that 33:46 many people don't think about that and they offer well 33:52 -meaning they said, well, if you need anything just give me 33:54 a call. 33:56 You will never receive the call or most likely not receive the 33:59 call because no grieving person has the energy just to pick up 34:02 the phone and to make the call not knowing is the person 34:06 available? 34:06 Am I a nuisance right now? 34:08 Is this really convenient for the person? 34:11 Do I have to explain myself now? 34:13 And all these things and you're just struggling to survive. 34:18 You're just struggling to go through the next hour and the 34:22 next day and that takes all your energy, all your attention 34:26 and everything that you can muster. 34:30 So to pick up the phone and call someone is too much. 34:34 Sometimes it's too much. 34:35 That is amazing. 34:36 And then you don't have that many people usually. 34:41 Usually you don't have that many people who are your best 34:45 friends who are so close that they understand you full well 34:50 even if you don't say a word. 34:52 Because there are many people who want to help but then you 34:56 have to talk and then you have to explain this and then you 34:59 have to explain the same thing three times over to three 35:04 different people. 35:04 Do you know how draining that is? 35:06 How much energy that takes? 35:09 And you're just not in a position to have the energy and 35:12 the drive to do all that in a situation where you struggle 35:17 for life. 35:23 So the grieving person probably and not every person who 35:29 grieves is the same so this is not a generalization but often 35:34 a grieving person is just too overwhelmed to take the 35:38 initiative at all. 35:40 That's why you need people who make the first initiative and 35:44 the contact and who are with you there. 35:49 So it's good to be proactive. 35:51 If you have a friend who's grieving we need to be 35:54 proactive. 35:56 Yes, you need to be proactive. 35:58 Okay. 36:05 Good. 36:06 Which is something that many people don't do. 36:10 In order to be proactive you need to actually think what 36:15 would be really helpful for the person in that situation and 36:21 then don't just ask for it, do it. 36:26 So for example that would maybe look like what... 36:29 That would look like... 36:30 Let me give you an example. 36:32 Just an illustration. 36:37 If you are experiencing the loss of a spouse let's say 36:43 that's a serious thing and it really throws your entire life 36:48 completely through the wind because this is what many 36:54 people don't understand who think. 36:58 I've known the person who died and I've been able to cope with 37:03 the loss somehow and arrange myself with that situation. 37:07 It's painful. 37:08 But they don't understand that a spouse is connected in unique 37:14 ways to that person. 37:17 You have developed certain traditions. 37:18 You have developed certain rituals. 37:20 You have developed certain things that you share in common 37:23 that you don't share with anybody else that shape your 37:27 daily routine, your daily work. 37:29 And all of a sudden this is no longer and so you have to start 37:35 making decisions alone. 37:36 You have to start completely over. 37:39 You have to relate to things that you shared differently now 37:46 and it's a complete turnover in your life. 37:50 So when you experience that, let's say, you know, I'm not 37:58 confession time, I'm not the expert cook. 38:05 So all of a sudden my wife was a wonderful cook. 38:08 She would provide meals for us. 38:11 All of a sudden you are in a situation where you have to 38:14 handle something, where you have to learn to actually 38:18 provide a decent meal, a warm meal every day. 38:23 Do you know how much work that is? 38:25 Do you know how much planning and preparation that takes? 38:29 And then be able to... 38:30 I really don't because Jill does that, right? 38:33 And we don't appreciate our spouses really as we should 38:37 because, you know, there is a lot of logistical expertise 38:40 where you need to know where to start, with what to start in 38:44 order to have at the end everything ready and it's still 38:47 warm and hot. 38:47 And it's not burned. 38:48 And it's not burned, exactly. 38:50 And you had three boys too. 38:52 And I had three boys. 38:53 Yes, not just yourself. 38:55 So for me, for instance, one important thing is that I read 39:01 somewhere that for children, especially young children, it 39:06 is important to cope with a grief and the loss of a parent 39:10 by providing as much continuity in their daily routine as 39:14 possible so that their life is not shaken and out of, you 39:18 know, balance, really. 39:20 It is out of balance, but to keep it as much in balance as 39:25 possible. 39:29 is common family meals. 39:33 Oh, okay. 39:33 Everybody comes... 39:37 together, where you start talking, you know. 39:39 If they come back from school, you know, if I come back from 39:42 work, you know, how are you doing? 39:44 Fine. 39:45 You don't know anything, you know. 39:46 That's right. 39:50 you mention little details that you would not hear otherwise. 39:53 And that meant that I had to prepare a meal. 39:56 But if you work full-time, you know, and you have maybe a two 40:01 -hour window between morning and afternoon, responsibility, 40:06 and you have to prepare a hot meal and a healthy meal on top 40:09 of that, and a meal that tastes well. 40:14 It's not the same. 40:16 That's right. 40:16 It's not the same. 40:18 And so, you know, that's a real challenge. 40:19 Yeah. 40:20 Wow. 40:22 Okay. 40:23 Good for you. 40:23 Good job. 40:25 I think I'm with you on that too. 40:26 I haven't burned water either. 40:27 So here is, you know, here's helpful help that I experienced 40:32 in that situation. 40:34 A person from my church came to me, and she said, I heard that 40:39 you want to have family time and eat together. 40:43 You know, the place where I taught the school, they offered 40:47 that we could eat as a family in the cafeteria. 40:50 A very generous offer. 40:52 That would have been the easiest. 40:55 But I knew full well that if I'm in the cafeteria as a 40:58 teacher... 40:58 Of course. 41:01 privacy and everything that you would have on the family table. 41:05 That's right. 41:09 Tell me what are your three most busiest day of the week in 41:14 terms of teaching load. 41:16 And I said, well, that's easy. 41:18 It's Monday, Tuesday and Thursdays. 41:20 She says, well then, you don't have to worry about those three 41:24 days. 41:24 I will organize people in the church. 41:27 You don't have to make a single phone call. 41:29 I will organize the people in the church. 41:31 They will bring you a hot meal and a dessert. 41:34 They leave it at your front door. 41:37 You don't even have to open the door. 41:39 You don't even have to talk to the people. 41:40 So you don't have to say hello. 41:42 Sometimes you're just not in the mood of even sharing 41:45 anything that they might be a terrible day for you. 41:48 And then here comes the person. 41:49 You have to smile and you have to say a little, and they want 41:52 to know a little bit something and you don't want to be rude. 41:54 Of course. 41:57 You just pick it up. 41:58 You enjoy the meal. 42:00 Once you're done, the dirty dishes, you just place in front 42:04 of the door. 42:04 They will pick it up. 42:05 You don't have to drive. 42:07 You don't have to worry. 42:08 And they did this for the first three months. 42:11 That's beautiful. 42:12 The most terrible, terrible, you know, three meals a day and 42:17 a week, you know, and this is helpful help. 42:22 And I had a family who would continue to do that for the 42:25 next two years. 42:26 One day in a week. 42:29 One day a week for two years. 42:30 One day in a week for two years. 42:32 Wow. 42:33 Now, that is a commitment. 42:34 Yes, it is. 42:35 That is really help. 42:36 You know, that really helped us tremendously. 42:39 You know, if you've lost your spouse, you know, and you have 42:43 to not just cook, you have to clean the house, you have to 42:47 do, and you know, you're full -time working at the same time, 42:50 you might need somebody who helps you with the cleaning 42:53 process in the house or doing the ironing or whatever needs 42:58 to be done, you know, and I had another family and they said, 43:01 we'll pay for somebody who comes by and we'll do that once 43:05 a week for you. 43:07 Now, here's the little trick to the thing, you know. 43:11 It is one thing to offer help. 43:15 It's another thing to offer helpful help. 43:18 For this, you need to think what is really helpful in that 43:20 situation. 43:21 What can I do? 43:23 But then you also have to learn to accept help. 43:26 And that's a learning experience that is steep, I 43:29 tell you, because if you allow, if you allow another person to 43:33 come into your house and see the mess and see the untidiness 43:38 and the dirty laundry that usually nobody will see, you 43:43 know, that's a part of your privacy that usually not 43:48 everybody is allowed to interact with. 43:51 You need to be able to allow for that in order to receive 43:55 the blessing. 43:56 And if you're not ready for that, you will not experience 44:00 the blessing as much as you could, I guess. 44:04 So that is helpful help. 44:08 What about an example of not helpful help? 44:11 Because I'll just, you know, for me, when I know that 44:15 someone's going through grief, you know, maybe lost something, 44:18 I sometimes feel a little bit awkward. 44:20 I don't really know what to say. 44:22 And so then I don't interact at all. 44:24 I'm just like, hey, Dr. Frank, see you later. 44:26 Or just, you know, oh, there he is. 44:29 Or so somebody wants to be helpful, but I know then I 44:31 think I'm afraid of saying the wrong things and I won't say 44:35 anything. 44:38 Maybe that's a better question. 44:42 for everyone. 44:42 We don't feel bad about it. 44:44 We all struggle with the same things, even I, even now, even 44:49 after my experience. 44:51 Sometimes I'm tempted to do things or not to do things that 44:54 I should do, you know. 44:55 So this is something that we just need to be aware of and be 44:59 willing to learn and be transformed. 45:02 So in my book, I have listed a few things of not-so-helpful 45:08 help. 45:09 It usually has to do with the things that you say, rather the 45:14 things that you do. 45:15 What pages are you in? 45:16 I'm talking about page 91. 45:18 91, I see. 45:19 And we do have this book available at the Colson. 45:21 I'm just telling you tonight, we have 100 copies of these 45:24 coming to the Call Center. 45:26 And guess what? 45:26 You can order them from 3ABN. 45:28 So we'll be talking about more prayer requests and prayers 45:30 reports and comments. 45:32 They are flooding, so keep them coming. 45:34 Number 618-627-4651 for those comments and questions. 45:38 But you can also order the book. 45:40 It's a suggested donation of $19. 45:42 I'm going to say this, Dr. Frank, this comes from 45:45 anonymous. 45:46 Her husband was diagnosed with cancer. 45:47 Please pray for her and her family as they're navigating 45:49 this. 45:54 highly recommends this book to everyone. 45:57 It's anonymous, but they're going through a terrible 46:00 grieving process right now, and she has this book already and 46:03 says it's a must read. 46:05 So we have 100 of them first come first serve at the Call 46:07 Center. 46:08 So anyway, you said page 91. 46:10 For instance, yeah. 46:11 Yes, not for instance. 46:19 approach us like that. 46:21 They mean well. 46:22 That's right. 46:23 Correct. 46:24 Keep that in mind. 46:25 You know, they're not saying things because they are mean or 46:28 they want to harm us or want to make it more difficult, because 46:33 if you see a person who is suffering, you're affected 46:37 yourself. 46:37 Of course. 46:38 You want to help the person to get over that. 46:41 That's right. 46:43 And so you want to say something that you think might 46:48 make it easier for the person. 46:50 That's right. 46:54 yet what they say is not so helpful after all. 46:59 At least it has not been helpful for me. 47:01 And I've listed a few of these things in the book. 47:05 For instance. 47:05 This is great. 47:08 Not so helpful is when the person says, Now, this is what 47:11 you need to do. 47:13 How do you know? 47:14 How do you know my situation? 47:16 I don't. 47:17 Exactly. 47:17 You know, and what needs to be done. 47:20 How do you know how it is to lose your wife? 47:23 I don't. 47:24 You know. 47:25 So be careful to give good advice, well-meaning advice. 47:32 Or, you know, people would say to me, well, at least. 47:37 You know, at least you still have your children, don't you? 47:41 Yeah. 47:42 Oh, yes. 47:43 I still do have my children. 47:46 Aren't you happy for that? 47:48 Yes. 47:55 not made easier. 47:56 Correct. 47:57 It's tough. 47:58 It's more difficult. 48:00 And so often people would say, at least. 48:03 And whenever you say, at least, think twice and keep your mouth 48:07 shut. 48:09 That's good advice. 48:10 That's good advice. 48:15 of that person. 48:16 Right. 48:17 And you have barely an idea what the person is going 48:21 through. 48:23 And when you say, at least, you know, there's even a subtle 48:27 message that sometimes comes along with that, at least. 48:30 And that is, be grateful for something, you know. 48:35 And you just don't feel grateful in that moment at all. 48:40 Or sometimes people would say, you know, everything happens 48:43 for a reason. 48:44 Yeah. 48:46 And maybe, you know, they would say maybe God allowed your wife 48:51 to die so that you can be more, you know, deal with other 48:57 people who are losing somebody, who have lost a spouse or 49:02 somebody. 49:04 And that is not helpful at all. 49:07 It's not. 49:11 compassionate and more sensitive to things a thousand 49:14 different ways, I'm sure. 49:16 But He didn't need to do that. 49:19 And we often do this for a wrong reason, because there are 49:25 things in life that are difficult to understand and 49:29 more difficult even to explain, and for which we do not have a 49:34 good explanation this side of heaven, because we don't know 49:37 everything. 49:39 So we don't know why she died. 49:42 I still don't have a full explanation for that. 49:46 And we have to live with open questions. 49:49 We have to learn to live with open questions where we don't 49:51 have the answer. 49:55 challenge to live with open questions. 49:57 So we want to find a reason that explains the 50:01 unexplainable. 50:01 That's right. 50:03 Oh, you know, she had this because of, and then they come 50:08 up with all kinds of explanations that will make 50:11 sense in their mind as a possible reason why this had to 50:16 happen or happened at all. 50:18 And I think we need to be very careful in coming up with these 50:25 self -created explanations just in order for us to have a 50:29 reason why this happened or should have happened or not 50:33 happened at all. 50:35 That's great advice. 50:41 have a good reason for that, and you don't need to have. 50:44 The other person doesn't expect that you have an answer to all 50:47 these questions. 50:49 The other person, what really helps is when the other person 50:52 can say, well, you just sit with me, and you just cry with 50:55 me, and you just be there without talking, you know? 50:59 Without saying anything. 51:00 Without saying anything. 51:02 Isn't that so against, like, human? 51:03 It's like we want to come in there and just like talk, you 51:05 know, just talk and counsel and whatever, but just sit there 51:07 with me. 51:08 Cry with me. 51:09 And I know your favorite topping on your pizza, so I'll 51:12 order that for you tomorrow. 51:13 You don't have to worry about tomorrow. 51:14 That's beautiful. 51:18 just bring a little flower that brightens the day. 51:22 You just write a handwritten note of encouragement. 51:24 Do you know how a huge difference a little word of 51:28 encouragement can make and go along? 51:30 And so that's not hard. 51:32 Just come and sit. 51:32 Just come and sit with somebody. 51:34 Yes, yes. 51:34 Wow. 51:36 I love that. 51:38 We're getting requests and a prayer request, so let's do a 51:42 few. 51:44 Okay. 51:47 express appreciation to Dr. Housel for writing Love Is. 51:52 She lost her husband last November. 51:54 Oh, wow. 51:59 Amen. 52:03 your book ministered. 52:05 Amen. 52:07 This one, I, this one's really heartbreaking, anonymous. 52:12 Pray for my youngest son to be released from an ungodly 52:16 relationship, and pray for my daughter-in-law who's 52:21 experiencing widowhood and now single parenthood with a 52:25 newborn due to the unexpected death of her husband, which is 52:30 my oldest son. 52:32 So this lady lost her son, and then her other son is 52:36 experiencing some difficulties, and then the young woman who's 52:39 facing widowhood with a newborn. 52:42 Yeah, wow. 52:43 That's heavy. 52:45 Robert from Utah. 52:46 Prayer for his brother-in-law. 52:48 This one's anonymous. 52:50 His wife passed away a week ago Friday. 52:53 Married 59 years. 52:54 That's a long time. 52:55 That's a lifetime. 52:58 This is Peggy from Alabama. 53:01 Would like prayer for guidance for herself, her son, her 53:05 daughter, and her grandson, Jeremiah, who are all going 53:09 through very difficult trials right now. 53:12 Okay, Peggy. 53:13 And this comes from Trinidad. 53:15 Yeah, from Trinidad. 53:17 Would like prayer for her daughter, Delicia, to find 53:20 employment. 53:26 job and lost work, it sounds like. 53:30 This is Carolyn. 53:32 Have neuropathy in my feet, making it very difficult to 53:36 walk. 53:36 Yeah, that's health. 53:37 That's a big deal. 53:39 Asking for prayers for healing. 53:41 Also have myalgia and need healing for that as well. 53:45 Those are some very challenging health aspects there. 53:51 This is from Indiana. 53:53 Cathy, I pray for all my children to come back to God. 53:56 I pray for my cousin, Agnes, that she also has understanding 54:00 and would like prayer for me to find a job. 54:02 Wow, a lot of people that work. 54:04 And this is another one from Indiana. 54:06 Patty from Indiana. 54:08 I lost my husband to frontal temporal dementia two years 54:13 ago. 54:15 And so, wow, a lot. 54:18 This is Anne. 54:20 I'm losing my spouse who is in a care facility and he always 54:23 held my hand when we prayed. 54:25 I appreciate that Greg held Jill's hand during prayer this 54:29 evening. 54:29 What a blessing. 54:30 That's true, never want to take it for granted. 54:33 Faith. 54:34 Pray for my three children that they'll have a desire to join 54:38 the ranks of young people who finish the work before Jesus 54:41 returns. 54:42 That's from... 54:43 Faith Anne. 54:44 Faith Anne, okay, yep. 54:45 I said that. 54:49 local area for growing outreach and he's having biopsies, 54:53 checking for cancer. 54:55 And they're reaching out from the reservation. 54:57 That's incredible. 54:58 I'm not sure where that Indian reservation is, but one of the 55:00 reservations here. 55:02 Yeah, a lot of hurting people. 55:06 Why don't you pray for them, babe? 55:07 Sure. 55:08 Okay, please. 55:10 Holy Father, we come before you in the name of Jesus, grateful 55:13 that you're our Father and that you are love, that you are 55:18 good, that we can come to you in our times of grief, in our 55:22 times of fear. 55:24 We come to you in our times of worry or uncertainty. 55:28 We come to you when we don't know where else to go. 55:33 Thank you that you hear us. 55:35 Thank you that you are a God who can do anything. 55:39 Thank you that you are a God who loves us. 55:42 And so Lord, I'm just asking, you know our brothers and 55:45 sisters who wrote in, called in these requests. 55:49 You know where they live across the country and around the 55:52 world. 55:58 Lord, would you fulfill those? 56:01 Lord, would you walk beside them? 56:04 Lord, would you give grace, your grace, make it sufficient 56:09 in their time of weakness? 56:11 Would your peace that passes all understanding be with them? 56:15 Would you bring in comfort? 56:18 Would you bring in healing where it's needed? 56:21 And Lord, would you help us, each one of us, as we've been 56:23 hearing about helpful help and how to step in, sit and let 56:28 someone else cry or be there with them or help in physical, 56:34 tangible ways. 56:35 Lord, give us wisdom and ideas how to reach out to those 56:40 around us and to offer that helpful help. 56:43 We thank you in the precious and holy name of Jesus. 56:48 Amen. 56:49 Amen. 56:50 Well, the first hour has gone by in a hurry. 56:52 I just want to mention, I'll let you close this out quickly, 56:54 but I want to just mention also that, I'm thinking the second 56:57 hour as we actually talk about how do we deal with grief and 57:00 process that, even talking about biblical lamenting, 57:04 because sometimes when we grieve, I've heard some people 57:06 say, you shouldn't be grieving, you should be joyful in the 57:08 Lord. 57:12 so powerful, we'll be talking about that the second hour, but 57:14 hey, this is what I want to reach out to you about and 57:16 reach back out to us. 57:18 Tell us a Bible scripture that has carried you through those 57:20 difficult times in your life. 57:22 So send those into us as well, along with your prayer requests 57:24 and other comments, but a scripture, maybe a favorite 57:27 verse that has strengthened you in your walk as you go through 57:30 trials in this life. 57:32 Amen. 57:35 favorites, Jesus speaking to the paralytic. 57:37 Do you want to be made well? 57:40 I think this is emotional and spiritual healing. 57:43 It's everything. 57:43 We will be back in two minutes. |
Revised 2025-03-14