Friends, welcome back to the
second hour of To Have and To
00:00:10.37\00:00:14.61
Hold On.
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If you missed the first hour,
you've got to catch it back.
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When it's re-aired
again, you've got to get that.
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We've been talking
about to have and to hold on.
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Now, there are no perfect
marriages under the sun because
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there are no perfect people.
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The longer you've been married,
the more you get to know how
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much you don't know.
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I remember one pastor said, for
the person who thinks he knows
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his wife, he doesn't know
math and he doesn't know women.
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Now, really, two and two is
always four, but your wife is
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always somebody
different as time goes on.
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I'm going to mention this
at the top of the program.
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Before I do that,
though, I want to go ahead and
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reintroduce our couples.
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If you missed the first hour,
right in front of me is the
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Thomas's, Durell
and Sasha Thomas.
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Can they have you here?
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12 years of marriage.
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12 years.
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Yes.
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You're beautiful children.
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Oh, Lord.
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That's right.
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And Ian and Angela VandeValk.
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17 years, two
beautiful children.
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They're two twos.
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They're still here.
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Still here.
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Still the one, right?
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Yeah.
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Holding on.
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Always holding on.
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Exactly.
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And, honey, I can't
believe we're going to 42.
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I'm shocked.
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Why is it that you're not Asian?
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Oh, yes, I am Asian.
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My knees tell me, but you know,
one day I said to my husband,
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you are the love of my
life, and I mean that, you know.
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He is.
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He is the love of my life.
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That's why we're still.
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Stop looking at me that way.
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Make me blush.
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But we love each other,
and we do for each other.
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As we all mentioned, we do
for each other in spite of, if
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you're angry, you still, you
know, you do, you cook, we do
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whatever.
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And so we have a little system.
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When I'm cooking, he's cleaning.
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That's right.
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We're going to have company.
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And so we appreciate
each other, and we know our
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strengths and
weaknesses, exactly.
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So everyone has
strengths and weaknesses, right?
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And like that, too.
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Yeah.
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Oh, stop.
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No, he's flirting with me.
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It's impossible to look into
my wife's eyes and not feel that
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there's way more beyond after
those eyes, a heart that is, we
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met each other at 16 years
old, and the rest is history.
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We dated off and on for
nine years, but man, I'm so glad
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that I hung in there.
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Her brothers would always try
to find ways to get rid of me.
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Yeah, they did.
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They always, five Jamaican
brothers, always protecting
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their sister.
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Brothers on steroids.
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Yeah, brothers on steroids.
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All of them strong.
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Yeah.
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grief for taking seven, so
thank you for taking one for
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the team there.
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Seven.
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Eight months.
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Yeah.
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He knew this was it.
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Nah, I'll need to wait.
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But then again, you were not 16.
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Yeah.
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Right.
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There you go.
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That makes the difference.
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We were just 16.
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You dated a while.
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Yeah, we started
dating when I was 21.
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Oh, yeah, you could have
been married a while now.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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But you're married now.
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We are.
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Women are
usually ready, you know.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Doral was different.
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Yeah.
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He was searching for a wife.
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But you know, I think it
was because I grew up, I grew up
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with my grandparents and then
between my grandparents and my
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mom, but because I had a broken
home, I think I always had a
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desire to have something that
I saw other, like I would see
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other kids at school, like
you know, they would have this
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thing called 100 men on campus,
and people would have their
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dads come to campus, and
I'm always like, man, I wish I
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could have my dad there.
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So I think as I got
older, that was just my drive.
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I want to find a wife.
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And most people my age,
they were about money and all of
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these other types of things,
dating, yes, but not finding a
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wife.
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last, because I was just
driven to find a wife, like too
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serious, too fast.
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I just went out to lunch
with him once, yes, ma'am.
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Women would be like, nah, you
just had a sandwich with him.
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It's like a marriage, but hey,
all the ones the Lord didn't
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want you to have ran, the
ones the Lord wanted you to have
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stayed, the couple you guys are.
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You know, you guys are like a
subtle constant heartbeat, and
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I could just see the
connection you both had.
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And firm in your parenting, you
don't yell at your kids, maybe
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at home, but if you do it
in public, you give them a look
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like...
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They know the look.
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I've seen that
look in me, that look.
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Yeah, that look can reach, I
don't know, it could probably
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reach a mile, because
across the room, they know.
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Oh, they know.
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I saw Noah bring the
phone to you the other day.
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She knew exactly what you meant.
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She laid that phone
down really, really solid.
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It didn't look at
you, it just walked away.
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It's enough, it's enough.
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What a wonderful couple.
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And we see the dynamics,
but let's talk about something,
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because you guys were not on
the same page doctrinally when
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you got married.
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might say, well, my husband or
my wife wasn't from my church.
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We were totally different in
our beliefs, but God brought us
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together.
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Sure.
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Well, like I said, I
was a foot in the church.
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I didn't want to live this
worldly life, but it just had a
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hold on me, and I was
kind of holding on to it.
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So doctrinally, we were
unequally yoked, and we had
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discussions about it, and
we saw our differences, but I
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would say otherwise, we were
kind of equally yoked, because
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we were kind of living this
worldly kind of church life.
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There were some things
that I, like practices that I
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participated in that she didn't
necessarily participate in,
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like drinking
and things like that.
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You, Durell, I can't agree.
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I praise the Lord for
deliverance from it, but back
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then, I was still, even though
I was having health challenges,
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it's just
something about stubbornness.
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I still wanted to drink and
party, because that was like my
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liquid confidence.
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and this was probably around
the time that we were starting
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to get to know each other.
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Well, even before that.
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This is like the beginning.
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And I remember I was standing
there, and I had a few drinks,
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and I was feeling confident,
and I said to her, because I
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got a ride with a mutual
friend, so I said to her, you
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know you're taking
me to my house tonight.
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She's going to drop me
off to my house tonight.
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And she looked at
me like, who are you?
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Who are you?
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And so I thought that that
was what I needed in order to
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obtain the woman that I
wanted, to have that confidence.
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And I remember me trying to
get her to drink and stuff like
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that.
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And I praise the Lord that it
got to a point where there was
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one time I came to her house,
and when I showed up to the
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house I had had a few drinks,
but I didn't want to appear
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like I had been drinking,
because I knew that that ruined
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relationships in the past.
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And she was, to me, I just felt
like she was the one, right off
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from the start.
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I had had, at that
point I had other options.
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But as soon as I met her,
I said forget about everybody
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else.
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She's different.
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She actually laughs at my jokes.
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I mean, she caters to me,
and I'm just like, whew, I don't
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want to mess this up.
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And so I remember showing up
to her house, and because I had
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had a few drinks, she opened up
the door, and she had this dog
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named Cheyenne, called a Chey,
and she comes to the door, and
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obviously my wife's name is
Sasha, and so I look at the dog
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and I say hey Sasha, hey Sasha,
and then she's looking at me
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with kind of like this smirk
on her face, and I'm like, what
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did I say?
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And obviously I gave it
away that I had been drinking.
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Did you call her dog?
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Yes.
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But I kid you not, at that
moment I was so embarrassed, I
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was so embarrassed and fearful
that I would lose her that I
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never drank again after that.
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I quit, and I never drank after
that, and I praise the Lord for
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that because I think her
lifestyle was an example to me,
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because I realized that, sorry,
I realized that because she
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didn't drink and all of
that type of stuff that I had
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dabbled in, you know, she was
actually on a higher spiritual
00:09:11.98\00:09:18.35
plane than I was, so it was
calling me to come up higher,
00:09:18.35\00:09:21.89
and then when we And finally,
when I started coming to her
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church, there was an
evangelistic series that came
00:09:28.13\00:09:30.77
up and that was where the
rubber met the road because
00:09:30.77\00:09:34.60
there was a point midway
through the series where I'm
00:09:34.60\00:09:38.04
attending and I'm attending
because the girl's going, she's
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coming to the series.
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But then she had to go overseas
for a trip and I was like,
00:09:43.31\00:09:46.92
well, do I keep on going?
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And I praise the Lord that
I kept going because it really
00:09:48.78\00:09:51.32
set me up for the future.
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And, you know, it to me that
took me to a higher place in my
00:09:52.75\00:09:58.06
in my experience, although
there were still some things to
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be transformed in
me as time would go on.
00:10:01.83\00:10:04.67
I know that there was something
that you had said that you
00:10:05.80\00:10:08.67
wanted to.
00:10:08.67\00:10:09.47
Yeah, a point at which our
paths kind of I saw they were
00:10:09.87\00:10:13.07
going on the same direction
in a positive direction.
00:10:13.07\00:10:15.74
Some couples have the testimony
that they never kissed before
00:10:16.95\00:10:19.81
they got married.
00:10:19.81\00:10:20.58
Well, we didn't have that.
00:10:20.78\00:10:22.28
It was any young
couples watching.
00:10:22.28\00:10:23.82
If you can wait, wait.
00:10:24.25\00:10:26.02
But so I felt like we were just
moving too fast in that way.
00:10:27.79\00:10:32.29
And so I was praying about it.
00:10:32.53\00:10:34.56
And while I was praying,
I heard my phone buzz like a
00:10:34.56\00:10:34.56
message was coming through, but
I kept praying and I was like,
00:10:36.97\00:10:39.93
Lord, how am I going to
talk about this with him?
00:10:39.93\00:10:42.50
Like, how am I
going to bring this up?
00:10:42.50\00:10:43.64
I finished praying.
00:10:43.94\00:10:44.67
I looked at my phone.
00:10:44.74\00:10:45.77
It was a message from the route
talking about the exact same
00:10:45.94\00:10:48.88
thing, saying
we're moving too fast.
00:10:48.88\00:10:50.78
And, you know, yeah,
that was the point I knew.
00:10:50.78\00:10:55.55
Like, I knew that the Lord was
in this and pointing us in the
00:10:56.02\00:10:59.22
right direction.
00:10:59.22\00:11:00.09
Amen.
00:11:00.29\00:11:00.72
So what could be broken?
00:11:01.89\00:11:03.63
The Lord could fix it.
00:11:03.99\00:11:04.99
Yes.
00:11:04.99\00:11:07.83
But if we are open to the
Spirit's voice, obvious in this
00:11:08.00\00:11:11.53
situation, what's on your
heart is also on his heart.
00:11:11.53\00:11:14.37
And here you are today.
00:11:14.37\00:11:15.27
Yes.
00:11:15.50\00:11:15.94
They were unequally.
00:11:16.27\00:11:17.37
You were out in the world
at that time when you met.
00:11:17.37\00:11:21.78
Yeah.
00:11:22.41\00:11:23.14
So in a way, I guess you
could say we were equally yoked
00:11:23.61\00:11:26.35
because we were both, you
know, she was raised at Venice.
00:11:26.35\00:11:29.15
I was raised Catholic, but
neither of us were really, you
00:11:29.28\00:11:31.89
know, in the church.
00:11:31.89\00:11:32.65
So for Angela and I, we pretty
much were, we were in the world
00:11:33.99\00:11:37.33
and I brought her more into
the world because that was my
00:11:37.33\00:11:40.83
scene.
00:11:40.83\00:11:43.23
So it was Miami,
Fort Lauderdale area.
00:11:43.30\00:11:45.30
It's the nightlife, the party
and the clubbing and dancing
00:11:45.30\00:11:48.44
and you name it.
00:11:48.44\00:11:49.17
And so that's kind of what I
brought her into even more so.
00:11:49.67\00:11:53.64
And then later on in our
relationship, she went to an
00:11:54.18\00:11:59.08
evangelistic series and
that's where she came home.
00:11:59.08\00:12:02.52
And she basically told me she
had recommitted her life to the
00:12:02.52\00:12:05.59
Lord.
00:12:05.59\00:12:09.22
Wow.
00:12:09.42\00:12:09.82
She said that.
00:12:09.82\00:12:10.53
She said that.
00:12:10.53\00:12:11.03
How was that Angela?
00:12:11.03\00:12:11.86
How was it?
00:12:12.46\00:12:13.29
Tell us about that moment.
00:12:13.33\00:12:14.13
Were you married at the time?
00:12:14.20\00:12:15.30
No, we were dating.
00:12:15.30\00:12:16.43
Yeah, we were
dating for a long time.
00:12:16.90\00:12:18.77
And no, we, I went to
evangelist series and I had
00:12:19.40\00:12:23.84
hoop earrings and smoking and
I just, yes, I was smoking and
00:12:23.84\00:12:28.78
drinking.
00:12:28.78\00:12:29.31
I just went as I, as I was.
00:12:29.44\00:12:31.08
And I went in
and God changed me.
00:12:31.61\00:12:34.02
God completely changed me.
00:12:34.02\00:12:35.45
And my cousin invited me.
00:12:35.78\00:12:37.49
I went and I just fell
back in love with Christ.
00:12:37.49\00:12:41.39
And I told him, I remember
I was at my aunt's house.
00:12:41.69\00:12:44.79
In Florida, in Fort Lauderdale.
00:12:44.79\00:12:46.63
And I said, things
are going to change.
00:12:47.46\00:12:49.60
I said, I still love you,
but I said, God comes first.
00:12:49.73\00:12:52.60
And he will always come first.
00:12:52.63\00:12:53.77
And he respected that.
00:12:54.00\00:12:55.20
He really did.
00:12:55.57\00:12:56.37
So what happened?
00:12:57.07\00:12:58.07
Did you start going to church?
00:12:58.11\00:12:59.54
I started going to church
and you know, that's when our
00:12:59.87\00:13:03.14
relationship kept going up and
down, up and down, up and down,
00:13:03.14\00:13:06.58
up and down.
00:13:06.65\00:13:07.28
Yeah.
00:13:08.18\00:13:11.05
leave him.
00:13:11.05\00:13:11.69
And yeah, y'all, you
know, you're on equally.
00:13:12.05\00:13:14.42
You should leave him.
00:13:14.42\00:13:15.42
But God just kept
keeping us together.
00:13:15.72\00:13:19.13
He just, it never like, even
when the pastor, I was like,
00:13:19.69\00:13:23.10
yeah, that sounds right.
00:13:23.77\00:13:24.97
But then in my heart, God just
kept putting me to love him.
00:13:25.00\00:13:28.67
And I just had this
unconditional love for my
00:13:28.77\00:13:31.21
husband.
00:13:31.21\00:13:31.61
Yeah.
00:13:31.81\00:13:32.44
Since the beginning,
I just always loved Ian.
00:13:32.84\00:13:35.78
He just, he had my
heart from the beginning.
00:13:36.31\00:13:38.41
So it was a journey for you.
00:13:39.68\00:13:41.32
It was a journey.
00:13:41.32\00:13:42.02
Yes.
00:13:42.25\00:13:42.48
Yes.
00:13:42.52\00:13:45.15
Wow.
00:13:46.09\00:13:46.49
11 years.
00:13:47.22\00:13:48.02
11 years.
00:13:48.22\00:13:48.92
What was your
pivotal point, Ian?
00:13:49.02\00:13:50.09
In our relationship?
00:13:51.03\00:13:51.89
Yes.
00:13:51.93\00:13:54.30
Yes.
00:13:54.46\00:13:54.96
Well, um, it, it, you
know, what I tell people is that
00:13:55.63\00:13:59.20
there's some in this world
that kind of need what I call a
00:13:59.20\00:14:02.07
Nebuchadnezzar effect where
you have to hit rock bottom.
00:14:02.07\00:14:05.24
Yeah.
00:14:05.31\00:14:10.05
the army at the
time and we were married.
00:14:10.05\00:14:11.95
Yeah, we were, we were married.
00:14:11.95\00:14:13.18
I was in the army and, um, my
wife, we, you know, we had all
00:14:13.18\00:14:17.72
sorts of issues in our marriage
and at the, at that same time,
00:14:17.72\00:14:21.92
my mother was passing away.
00:14:22.36\00:14:23.56
She was struggling with cancer
and she was admitted into the
00:14:23.63\00:14:26.83
hospital.
00:14:26.83\00:14:29.70
of this.
00:14:29.70\00:14:32.60
lose my wife.
00:14:32.60\00:14:33.17
I'm about to lose my mother.
00:14:33.27\00:14:34.27
The two most important women
in my life are going to be gone.
00:14:34.74\00:14:36.97
And I hit absolute rock bottom
and I wanted to take my own
00:14:37.67\00:14:40.91
life.
00:14:40.91\00:14:47.22
I was stationed
at for suicide watch.
00:14:47.22\00:14:49.45
And then when I was released
four days later, my mother
00:14:49.58\00:14:52.55
passed away.
00:14:52.55\00:14:53.56
And that just kind of
snapped me out of everything.
00:14:53.69\00:14:56.16
I saw relationships.
00:14:56.49\00:14:57.69
I saw the world from
a completely different
00:14:57.89\00:15:00.60
perspective than I
had ever seen it before.
00:15:00.60\00:15:02.43
And I, I
cherished our, our marriage.
00:15:02.70\00:15:05.03
I realized life is just too
short and I don't know what's
00:15:05.20\00:15:07.47
going on.
00:15:07.47\00:15:10.67
her, but I was
more of a seat warmer.
00:15:10.67\00:15:12.11
I had no desire to know God.
00:15:12.54\00:15:13.84
I was just kind of, all
right, I'll go and just keep you
00:15:13.98\00:15:16.18
happy.
00:15:16.18\00:15:19.51
are we getting out of here and,
uh, you know, it just, but the
00:15:19.51\00:15:22.62
Lord kept leading.
00:15:22.62\00:15:23.35
And that's, that's what it took.
00:15:23.42\00:15:24.79
I had to hit rock bottom and
say, you know, things are going
00:15:24.92\00:15:27.92
to change.
00:15:27.92\00:15:31.16
little by little.
00:15:31.16\00:15:34.76
just little by little, and I
just, I saw my wife, I saw my,
00:15:34.76\00:15:38.97
my relationship with her and,
and with the world completely
00:15:39.20\00:15:42.94
change.
00:15:42.94\00:15:47.04
series with her,
gave my heart to the Lord.
00:15:47.04\00:15:49.38
Um, and then that's where our
marriage really started to, to
00:15:50.11\00:15:53.75
begin its journey of
really learning how to love each
00:15:53.75\00:15:57.55
other.
00:15:57.55\00:16:00.96
uh, it was, that's when things
started to, to come together.
00:16:01.06\00:16:04.39
When God was in the
middle of both of us.
00:16:04.49\00:16:06.46
Were you really happy,
Angela, cause you finally won in
00:16:06.46\00:16:10.73
Christ?
00:16:10.73\00:16:11.07
Yes.
00:16:11.50\00:16:13.87
different, um,
learning experience as well.
00:16:13.87\00:16:16.94
Cause you're learning how
to, you know, come together as a
00:16:16.94\00:16:20.34
family and have worship.
00:16:20.34\00:16:22.01
It's so nice, you know, when
the head of the house, which is
00:16:22.21\00:16:26.85
the husband, the, yeah.
00:16:26.85\00:16:28.28
And he's like,
okay, it's Sabbath.
00:16:28.65\00:16:30.29
And it's like, Oh, you've
been waiting to hear this for so
00:16:30.32\00:16:32.99
long.
00:16:32.99\00:16:33.36
It was just a peaceful.
00:16:33.56\00:16:34.92
There's nothing like it.
00:16:34.99\00:16:36.32
When you're together and
he's the one now, he's like, you
00:16:36.32\00:16:39.29
need to hurry up for church.
00:16:39.29\00:16:40.26
We can't be late.
00:16:40.43\00:16:41.46
But this is for couples.
00:16:43.70\00:16:45.13
We talked about this, didn't we?
00:16:45.17\00:16:46.57
There's some couples, they'll
just stay home with each other.
00:16:46.87\00:16:49.47
Yeah.
00:16:49.50\00:16:53.01
Bible talk about
one has to be strong.
00:16:53.01\00:16:55.71
You encourage each
other to say, no, come on.
00:16:55.98\00:16:58.61
If they don't want
to go, you go to church.
00:16:58.61\00:17:00.95
He does.
00:17:01.08\00:17:01.65
Like he's always encouraged.
00:17:01.75\00:17:03.08
Sometimes I'm
not just like tired.
00:17:03.08\00:17:03.12
He's like, well, I'm going.
00:17:04.62\00:17:05.52
Yeah.
00:17:05.52\00:17:08.79
be with you.
00:17:08.79\00:17:09.39
Yes.
00:17:09.72\00:17:09.99
So yeah.
00:17:09.99\00:17:10.49
Yes.
00:17:10.73\00:17:13.40
So it's so important to
get your children involved.
00:17:13.53\00:17:16.26
My son runs audio for church.
00:17:16.43\00:17:18.33
I love Thompsonville because
they just, all the kids are
00:17:18.33\00:17:21.27
like running
everything and they love.
00:17:21.27\00:17:23.77
My son loves going to church.
00:17:23.94\00:17:25.24
He doesn't want to miss it.
00:17:25.41\00:17:26.47
He feels like he has a
purpose and it's beautiful.
00:17:26.47\00:17:28.94
And how old is he?
00:17:28.94\00:17:29.68
Liam's 15.
00:17:30.01\00:17:30.75
See, a teenager.
00:17:30.91\00:17:31.85
That's right, an age.
00:17:31.95\00:17:36.25
glad you brought that point up,
when I look back into my life's
00:17:36.25\00:17:39.69
past, her siblings tell me she
was always the one saying, you
00:17:39.69\00:17:45.16
need to study your
Sabbath school lesson.
00:17:45.16\00:17:46.63
You need to go to the church.
00:17:46.93\00:17:47.96
You need to return your
tithe and offering before us.
00:17:48.06\00:17:50.73
So she had in her what the Lord
knew I needed, because even as
00:17:51.23\00:17:55.20
a pastor, there were
times and I'm so tired.
00:17:55.20\00:17:57.34
And she would say,
let's read our Bibles.
00:17:57.61\00:18:01.21
And then this is late at night.
00:18:01.21\00:18:02.41
I said, I'm just so tired.
00:18:02.54\00:18:03.51
She said, let's read our Bibles.
00:18:03.51\00:18:03.55
And then she would start a fire
that will last for the next few
00:18:04.81\00:18:07.95
hours.
00:18:07.95\00:18:13.02
I can't miss this point.
00:18:13.12\00:18:14.02
Now, when she
said, okay, what was it?
00:18:14.12\00:18:16.06
Oh, you got, oh, you
started a fire last night.
00:18:16.09\00:18:18.39
Let me tell you what I learned.
00:18:18.43\00:18:19.46
And that's what
I need as a pastor.
00:18:19.89\00:18:21.66
Some pastors don't have that.
00:18:21.80\00:18:23.33
We read our Bibles together.
00:18:23.47\00:18:24.90
We pray together.
00:18:25.00\00:18:25.73
We travel together.
00:18:25.83\00:18:26.60
We have fun together.
00:18:26.63\00:18:27.50
And that's so vitally important
to keep a relationship strong.
00:18:28.00\00:18:30.61
I just want to want to echo
that because with, you know,
00:18:30.61\00:18:33.81
since God coming into our
lives and into our marriage, you
00:18:33.81\00:18:36.21
know, God has used us
powerfully in ministry, you
00:18:36.21\00:18:38.95
know, taking us places.
00:18:38.95\00:18:39.88
I never thought we would go.
00:18:40.05\00:18:41.25
And we even traveled to another
country to do a camp meeting.
00:18:41.25\00:18:44.52
And it's always my wife is
there to support and to, you
00:18:44.92\00:18:48.76
know, to help.
00:18:48.76\00:18:53.06
And she just encouraged me.
00:18:53.19\00:18:54.30
And there's times where
even when I doubt myself, she's
00:18:54.30\00:18:57.50
there to encourage me and I'll
say things, you know, I know
00:18:57.50\00:18:59.87
there's, there's
no way I can do that.
00:18:59.87\00:19:01.50
And she'll be like, you know,
there's, God's calling you and
00:19:01.74\00:19:05.17
you need to do it.
00:19:05.17\00:19:06.17
And so she's
encouraging and helping me.
00:19:06.21\00:19:08.41
And then it's just being in
ministry with my wife is, it's,
00:19:08.54\00:19:12.68
it's an amazing thing.
00:19:12.68\00:19:14.18
When you come together with God
at the center, because I still
00:19:14.82\00:19:18.89
remember you shared something
at somebody's, I think it was
00:19:18.89\00:19:21.52
wedding and it talked about
the triangle and just, you know,
00:19:21.52\00:19:24.83
when God's at the top and then
you have the husband and the
00:19:24.86\00:19:27.23
wife and as the two of them
are, are growing closer with
00:19:27.23\00:19:31.10
God, so does the
marriage grow closer.
00:19:31.10\00:19:33.07
They grow closer.
00:19:33.07\00:19:35.80
come into our lives where
that same thing, we're both
00:19:35.80\00:19:38.51
searching for God as a family
and he's just catapulted us and
00:19:38.51\00:19:42.14
taken us places.
00:19:42.14\00:19:43.08
And I love being in
ministry with my wife.
00:19:43.11\00:19:44.65
And this, this is a
pastoral team, everyone.
00:19:44.75\00:19:47.35
I always said that there's
a church out there for them
00:19:47.55\00:19:50.35
somewhere pastoral team.
00:19:50.35\00:19:52.49
She's a, she's a
wonderful pastor's wife.
00:19:52.89\00:19:55.19
I've always said that.
00:19:55.36\00:19:56.09
And he's a wonderful pastor.
00:19:56.09\00:19:57.39
So I know the
Lord has plans for you.
00:19:57.39\00:20:00.50
And by the way, when they
mentioned they're from Bermuda,
00:20:00.66\00:20:02.83
I was saying only as
you stay in the triangle,
00:20:03.16\00:20:06.03
I don't want to mess up the
flow, but the Lord found you
00:20:09.40\00:20:12.57
both here and you move toward
the Lord together and look at
00:20:12.57\00:20:15.81
you today.
00:20:15.81\00:20:21.55
helped to bond us.
00:20:21.55\00:20:22.82
A lot of the ministry
that we've done lately has been
00:20:23.15\00:20:25.49
working with kids.
00:20:25.49\00:20:26.59
I never saw
myself working with kids.
00:20:27.36\00:20:29.59
I was an early child for
most of my life and very selfish
00:20:30.09\00:20:33.63
probably.
00:20:33.63\00:20:34.40
And so when it came to
children, I mean, I had my own
00:20:34.73\00:20:36.87
children, but still it's just
like, can you just let daddy be
00:20:36.87\00:20:41.14
by himself?
00:20:41.14\00:20:41.77
Meanwhile, mommy's just, you
know, have the kids all around
00:20:43.24\00:20:45.77
her all the time and she
just wants a free moment.
00:20:45.77\00:20:47.61
And daddy, you
know, just anyway.
00:20:47.98\00:20:49.44
So I never saw myself working
with kids, but there's been
00:20:49.84\00:20:53.08
something special about, yes,
it's, it's been rewarding to
00:20:53.08\00:20:56.18
work with the kids because
it's helped to soften me.
00:20:56.18\00:20:57.85
But I think also my wife, my
wife has been there to be that
00:20:57.99\00:21:02.19
strength and that support.
00:21:02.19\00:21:03.12
I would never have.
00:21:03.19\00:21:04.26
I don't think I would have ever
done it had she not been there
00:21:04.43\00:21:07.13
by my side.
00:21:07.13\00:21:08.13
As I watch her working with
the kids and all of that, it's
00:21:08.63\00:21:13.00
almost like the
same thing with singing.
00:21:13.00\00:21:14.74
I was always on the sidelines
watching my wife, you know,
00:21:15.37\00:21:17.67
she'd sing up front for special
music and all of those types of
00:21:17.71\00:21:20.28
things.
00:21:20.28\00:21:23.48
and I'm just like,
oh no, just a thought.
00:21:23.48\00:21:25.91
That I was going to
be singing with my wife.
00:21:25.91\00:21:28.38
I said, oh, okay.
00:21:28.45\00:21:29.55
It's fine.
00:21:29.98\00:21:36.39
the message.
00:21:36.39\00:21:36.96
Yeah.
00:21:37.46\00:21:40.53
together in ministry,
specifically as a couple, it
00:21:40.53\00:21:43.16
takes your
relationship to the next level.
00:21:43.16\00:21:45.67
I mean, it's very hard for
you to work together in ministry
00:21:46.17\00:21:49.84
and to have that connection
with God and then to have a
00:21:49.84\00:21:53.94
broken marriage.
00:21:53.94\00:21:55.04
Right.
00:21:55.04\00:21:55.64
Because God's consistently
working on both of you
00:21:56.11\00:21:58.21
individually and then he
says, come together and work.
00:21:58.21\00:22:01.08
And a lot of times we could,
let's say we have differences
00:22:01.68\00:22:05.09
or something like that.
00:22:05.09\00:22:05.89
The Lord will arrange it
so that we have some form of
00:22:06.42\00:22:09.59
ministry to do together.
00:22:09.59\00:22:10.86
And he's like,
well, work together.
00:22:10.86\00:22:13.06
And you guys have had the same
thing like almost every time
00:22:16.00\00:22:18.67
before we preach a sermon.
00:22:18.67\00:22:19.73
What happens?
00:22:20.34\00:22:20.94
Something's always happened.
00:22:21.94\00:22:22.97
Devil attacks.
00:22:23.64\00:22:24.37
But that's how
it is in ministry.
00:22:24.37\00:22:25.81
And, you know, since we're
talking about this, I want to
00:22:26.21\00:22:28.51
make sure I tell, you know,
those who are watching, you
00:22:28.51\00:22:31.28
don't have to be in a ministry
like 3ABM as a couple to
00:22:31.28\00:22:35.75
minister.
00:22:35.75\00:22:39.52
together, get in personal
ministries, do Bible studies
00:22:39.52\00:22:41.79
with another family.
00:22:41.79\00:22:42.79
You know, get involved that way.
00:22:43.16\00:22:44.33
You don't have to be in a
ministry, a worldwide ministry
00:22:44.36\00:22:47.30
like 3ABM.
00:22:47.30\00:22:48.16
You don't have to join some of
these other ministries that are
00:22:48.53\00:22:50.60
out there.
00:22:50.60\00:22:54.37
way.
00:22:54.37\00:22:58.27
challenges along the way.
00:22:58.27\00:22:59.04
The devil hates it.
00:22:59.04\00:22:59.91
Absolutely.
00:23:00.24\00:23:00.71
But you know what?
00:23:00.84\00:23:05.71
away some of those impurities,
some of those things that, you
00:23:05.71\00:23:09.08
know, that God's allowing
to happen and saying, you know,
00:23:09.08\00:23:11.79
you still have
this thing about you.
00:23:11.79\00:23:13.19
And it just reveals
things about your own character.
00:23:13.29\00:23:15.62
And you're saying, okay,
God, I got that one, you know.
00:23:15.62\00:23:18.03
And we recently have gone
through a struggle, but it
00:23:18.36\00:23:21.60
showed us in many ways where we
still are lacking and where we
00:23:21.60\00:23:25.70
need to go to God more as
a couple and as individuals.
00:23:25.70\00:23:29.34
So even though we're talking
about being in ministry and
00:23:30.51\00:23:33.21
here at 3ABM, I just really
want to encourage you at home.
00:23:33.21\00:23:35.68
Get involved in
something together because...
00:23:36.01\00:23:38.45
Get your children involved.
00:23:38.45\00:23:39.45
Oh, get the children involved.
00:23:39.45\00:23:40.82
And just when you start to do
that, your marriage will start
00:23:40.95\00:23:44.19
to come together even more.
00:23:44.19\00:23:45.55
And there's going to be hiccups.
00:23:45.55\00:23:46.86
There's going to be
some walls in the way.
00:23:46.89\00:23:48.32
But once you've gotten through
them and those strongholds have
00:23:48.32\00:23:51.33
been brought down, it's going
to build you as a much stronger
00:23:51.33\00:23:54.93
couple together, loving
each other more and being more
00:23:54.93\00:23:58.40
Christ -centered
as a married couple.
00:23:58.40\00:24:00.34
That's right.
00:24:00.57\00:24:00.90
That's right.
00:24:01.00\00:24:01.27
It's beautiful.
00:24:01.77\00:24:02.60
I mean, it's
amazing where we're headed.
00:24:02.80\00:24:04.27
And I think that we're going to
request that we do this almost
00:24:04.71\00:24:07.54
a couple of times to
go to all the other areas.
00:24:07.54\00:24:10.55
But so if you notice what's
been talked about, you don't
00:24:11.15\00:24:14.08
have to be identical for
the Lord to make you one.
00:24:14.08\00:24:17.05
That's the one thing I
want to encourage people.
00:24:17.59\00:24:19.35
Don't, you know, if both of
you are exactly the same, one of
00:24:19.69\00:24:22.29
you would be unnecessary.
00:24:22.29\00:24:23.39
You don't want
somebody exactly like you.
00:24:23.99\00:24:25.73
My wife is opposite
to me in so many ways.
00:24:25.79\00:24:28.43
I don't think.
00:24:28.43\00:24:29.40
We are completely opposite.
00:24:29.86\00:24:30.67
So you two, opposite attack.
00:24:30.70\00:24:32.27
And it's good because...
00:24:32.80\00:24:34.00
And the other thing I want
to bring out is, don't say I'm
00:24:34.00\00:24:37.01
looking for someone else,
my brother-in-law, he always
00:24:37.01\00:24:40.98
laughs, we
always laugh about this.
00:24:40.98\00:24:42.28
He said, he met a guy who
got married and he said, did you
00:24:42.54\00:24:46.21
say to your
wife, you complete me?
00:24:46.21\00:24:47.95
Because if you're looking
for somebody to complete you,
00:24:48.42\00:24:51.02
you're looking
for the wrong reason.
00:24:51.09\00:24:53.19
You've got to be complete
in Christ before you look for
00:24:53.79\00:24:57.83
someone else who's
broken like you to complete you.
00:24:57.83\00:25:00.40
And so marriage is not 50-50.
00:25:01.13\00:25:03.03
As I mentioned, you don't know
Matthew, you don't know women,
00:25:03.70\00:25:05.40
you don't know each other.
00:25:05.47\00:25:06.37
Hundred percent.
00:25:06.87\00:25:07.67
You build your
relationship with the Lord.
00:25:07.84\00:25:09.44
She builds her
relationship with the Lord.
00:25:09.77\00:25:11.21
And what I love about my wife
and man, I could walk in the
00:25:11.74\00:25:14.11
room and say, I just read this,
I just had this devotion, I
00:25:14.11\00:25:16.31
thought, you want to read it?
00:25:16.31\00:25:18.18
Go ahead and read it to me.
00:25:18.25\00:25:19.15
And her Bible,
she's on her next Bible.
00:25:19.28\00:25:21.48
This is the one
that's falling apart.
00:25:21.52\00:25:22.95
No, this is my Bible actually.
00:25:23.25\00:25:24.39
No, this is yours.
00:25:24.39\00:25:24.62
Mine is that one.
00:25:24.89\00:25:25.69
See, we both are highlighted
so much, I can't tell the
00:25:25.99\00:25:28.39
difference
between one or the other.
00:25:28.39\00:25:29.62
And so that
really keeps us together.
00:25:29.99\00:25:31.26
Let's read another chapter,
let's read another chapter.
00:25:31.33\00:25:33.09
I love it.
00:25:33.13\00:25:33.63
We read the Bible together.
00:25:33.80\00:25:34.93
Together.
00:25:35.00\00:25:35.36
Yeah, we're in the book
of Luke and we read together.
00:25:36.10\00:25:39.03
We'll read, say
it's what, 20 verses.
00:25:39.20\00:25:42.04
Okay, you read 10, I read 10.
00:25:42.24\00:25:44.07
We try to break it
down into cadence here.
00:25:44.07\00:25:45.97
But I want to
bring out something.
00:25:46.41\00:25:47.64
You want to hit
that real quickly?
00:25:47.68\00:25:48.71
Well, yeah, because before
we jump to, I don't know when
00:25:48.88\00:25:51.28
we're going to
jump to another topic.
00:25:51.28\00:25:52.48
But since we're still, you
know, we're talking about at
00:25:53.05\00:25:55.92
the end of when things,
you know, have worked out when
00:25:55.92\00:25:58.45
you're unequally yoked.
00:25:58.45\00:25:59.75
So I want to also give
encouragement to those who
00:25:59.85\00:26:02.76
might be watching and
maybe you're still currently
00:26:02.76\00:26:05.76
unequally yoked.
00:26:05.76\00:26:07.36
And as it worked out in my
own marriage, I want to give you
00:26:07.50\00:26:10.60
this hope and encouragement.
00:26:10.60\00:26:11.67
It comes from first
Corinthians, chapter seven and
00:26:11.67\00:26:14.70
verse 16.
00:26:14.70\00:26:15.67
And it says, for how do you
know a wife, whether you will
00:26:16.30\00:26:19.54
save your husband or how do
you know a husband, whether you
00:26:19.54\00:26:22.91
will save your wife?
00:26:22.91\00:26:24.05
So I wanted to bring that
out because you're seeing what's
00:26:24.41\00:26:27.72
happened after the effect,
after God has taken a hold of
00:26:27.72\00:26:31.35
both of us.
00:26:31.35\00:26:35.49
in the church and my husband's
not, or I'm in the church and
00:26:35.49\00:26:38.09
my wife is not.
00:26:38.09\00:26:43.40
together can have.
00:26:43.40\00:26:44.43
I know God kept us
together and now I can see why.
00:26:44.73\00:26:47.94
And my wife can see why despite
all the difficulties and all
00:26:48.04\00:26:50.97
the trials that we have gone
through, both of us can look at
00:26:50.97\00:26:54.01
and see why he's brought us
together and kept us together.
00:26:54.01\00:26:56.95
And it's because
to save the other.
00:26:56.95\00:26:59.41
My wife, I can say, you know,
God used my wife to save me.
00:27:00.35\00:27:04.09
And, you know, I'm thankful
every day that she's in my life
00:27:04.09\00:27:08.92
because I don't know
where I would be without her.
00:27:08.92\00:27:11.26
And God used her to help me
bring into the church and see
00:27:11.99\00:27:14.76
Christ for who he really is.
00:27:14.76\00:27:16.00
I want to say one more
thing to encourage our viewers.
00:27:17.37\00:27:21.07
And Ellen White, it
says, Through difficulties,
00:27:22.10\00:27:24.07
perplexities, and
discouragements, may arise let
00:27:24.41\00:27:27.98
neither husband nor wife harbor
the thought that their union is
00:27:27.98\00:27:32.68
a mistake.
00:27:32.68\00:27:33.45
Or a disappointment.
00:27:33.45\00:27:35.72
What's that from?
00:27:36.35\00:27:36.99
Um, M.H.
00:27:37.45\00:27:38.39
360.
00:27:38.42\00:27:38.69
Ministry of Healing, page 360.
00:27:41.19\00:27:43.12
Right.
00:27:43.86\00:27:43.89
So which brings me
to a perfect segue.
00:27:44.69\00:27:47.03
When God allows you to be
lawfully joined together and
00:27:49.06\00:27:54.27
you commit to that journey
together and difficulty arise,
00:27:54.27\00:27:57.64
don't say it was a mistake.
00:27:57.94\00:27:59.07
The Lord allowed that
difficulty to arise because he
00:27:59.34\00:28:02.84
knew there's something in me.
00:28:02.84\00:28:04.15
There's something in you.
00:28:04.21\00:28:05.41
There's something in each one
of you that he says, I got to
00:28:05.48\00:28:07.98
refine you a little bit more.
00:28:07.98\00:28:09.52
And I can tell you through the
years of ministry, there have
00:28:09.68\00:28:11.95
been many points of refinement
to get to the place where you
00:28:11.95\00:28:14.66
look back on now and say, like
I said, to some of the young
00:28:14.66\00:28:16.96
pastors, when you get some
scars, come back and talk to
00:28:16.96\00:28:19.39
me.
00:28:19.39\00:28:19.76
And it's going
to be enthusiastic.
00:28:20.23\00:28:21.76
But sometimes the Lord
has said, you need a lion.
00:28:21.80\00:28:24.03
You need a bear.
00:28:24.37\00:28:25.10
You need a leopard.
00:28:25.27\00:28:26.03
You need yourself, you
need yourself a Delilah.
00:28:26.33\00:28:29.60
You need yourself a Goliath.
00:28:29.60\00:28:35.01
The Lord took David through all
of that for later on the Lord
00:28:36.04\00:28:40.38
to say to him, to
Solomon, if you would walk in my
00:28:40.38\00:28:43.45
commandments like
your father David did.
00:28:43.45\00:28:44.92
And David, Solomon probably
said, you talking about my dad,
00:28:45.12\00:28:47.46
David?
00:28:47.92\00:28:48.16
No, that's not the...
00:28:49.46\00:28:50.69
God can so completely restore
you that you look back and he
00:28:50.69\00:28:54.56
will now use you as an
example to strengthen others.
00:28:54.56\00:28:56.87
So I want to use the segue now.
00:28:57.40\00:28:58.53
Let's talk about the top
10 reasons why relationships
00:28:58.53\00:29:00.80
disintegrate.
00:29:00.80\00:29:01.74
This is going to be a good one.
00:29:02.40\00:29:03.37
And if we don't get to the rest
of it, we're going to just kind
00:29:03.67\00:29:05.24
of jump along here.
00:29:05.24\00:29:06.07
But let's just
go around the table.
00:29:06.34\00:29:07.88
And honey, well, I'll
just throw the first one.
00:29:08.24\00:29:10.58
Let's look at the first one.
00:29:11.31\00:29:12.28
Let's just go around
the table one at a time.
00:29:12.31\00:29:13.68
You have the
outline there with you?
00:29:14.18\00:29:15.35
Yes.
00:29:15.38\00:29:15.82
What's the first one?
00:29:15.95\00:29:16.72
So the first one
is lack of trust.
00:29:16.79\00:29:18.49
Okay, ladies, let me hear
what you have to say about that.
00:29:18.75\00:29:21.32
Communication.
00:29:23.02\00:29:23.36
Okay, well let's start
with the lack of trust.
00:29:24.16\00:29:25.89
Well, I think when you don't
communicate with your husband
00:29:25.89\00:29:29.30
and they are not trusting
the other person, I think
00:29:29.30\00:29:33.40
communication is important.
00:29:33.40\00:29:34.70
You know, if your husband's
going somewhere and he's not
00:29:35.14\00:29:37.64
telling you where you're
at, you're losing that trust.
00:29:37.64\00:29:39.57
Communication
to me is important.
00:29:43.41\00:29:45.45
And you know, you need to trust
your husband and your spouse
00:29:45.78\00:29:48.75
and keep that trust.
00:29:48.75\00:29:50.22
I think that's so
important to keep that trust.
00:29:50.65\00:29:53.49
It's hard to build back.
00:29:53.62\00:29:55.12
Because I lost that with
him and it took a long time.
00:29:55.72\00:29:58.79
And that's why I'm saying
communication because when I
00:29:59.13\00:30:01.60
lost that trust, the way
I got it back was through
00:30:01.60\00:30:04.10
communication,
through him talking to me.
00:30:04.10\00:30:06.74
And that's how we worked it
out and that's how we have the
00:30:06.84\00:30:09.84
trust we have for today.
00:30:09.84\00:30:10.91
And that's important.
00:30:11.24\00:30:12.34
We have a thing
called on our phone.
00:30:12.61\00:30:14.68
It's a little tracker, don't we?
00:30:14.98\00:30:16.44
People think that we're
crazy because they say, you know
00:30:19.71\00:30:23.25
where she is?
00:30:23.25\00:30:23.99
People say that.
00:30:23.99\00:30:25.09
Well, it's not
because I'm just trying.
00:30:25.25\00:30:26.59
I'm not and vice versa.
00:30:26.76\00:30:28.89
You know, if ever there was
a time that we needed to know
00:30:29.06\00:30:32.69
where each other
was, we just look at it.
00:30:32.69\00:30:34.96
And most of the time it's used
because my kids want to know
00:30:36.10\00:30:40.34
where mommy is.
00:30:40.34\00:30:41.37
If she goes to the grocery
store, right, when's mommy
00:30:41.47\00:30:43.20
going to be home?
00:30:43.20\00:30:44.07
Immediately I go and show them.
00:30:45.17\00:30:47.04
But it's been a blessing
to be able to have that.
00:30:47.24\00:30:49.54
But that level of trust like
I said, it's not overbearing or
00:30:50.78\00:30:55.92
anything.
00:30:55.92\00:30:56.42
Not trying to
keep tabs on her too.
00:30:57.42\00:30:59.35
But you know, it's just that
level of trust that we have.
00:30:59.62\00:31:02.62
I think trust
comes with respect also.
00:31:03.43\00:31:05.83
You know, you have to trust
and respect your other person.
00:31:06.06\00:31:08.56
You know, now I just
respect him and trust him.
00:31:09.03\00:31:12.27
And you know, if he says this
and I respect that's what he's
00:31:12.83\00:31:15.20
doing.
00:31:15.20\00:31:18.54
liar?
00:31:18.54\00:31:18.74
Right.
00:31:19.37\00:31:19.57
He opened.
00:31:19.74\00:31:19.97
Just say it even if it hurts.
00:31:20.58\00:31:23.48
Say it.
00:31:23.48\00:31:24.81
Talk about one of the
things that we've learned in our
00:31:24.88\00:31:27.32
marriage is to just be
deadly honest with each other.
00:31:27.32\00:31:31.99
And a lot of couples don't want
to go through that furnace to
00:31:32.62\00:31:36.79
be refined.
00:31:36.79\00:31:37.66
If you are willing to go
through that furnace, you will
00:31:38.63\00:31:41.33
be refined.
00:31:41.33\00:31:42.06
And so that's
where trust gets built.
00:31:42.76\00:31:44.87
That's where
trust gets solidified.
00:31:45.03\00:31:46.30
Go through that furnace.
00:31:46.60\00:31:47.57
If it's a tough
thing, talk about it.
00:31:47.90\00:31:49.77
And a lot of people
don't resolve issues.
00:31:50.14\00:31:52.64
They push them under
the rug or under the bed.
00:31:52.64\00:31:55.54
I don't want to talk about it.
00:31:55.78\00:31:57.28
Well, you can't really build
trust if you don't want to talk
00:31:57.31\00:31:59.38
about it.
00:31:59.38\00:31:59.78
That's right.
00:31:59.78\00:32:02.08
I'm not doing this as a
counseling session, but you
00:32:02.08\00:32:04.92
cannot ignore an issue and
expect to build trust because
00:32:04.92\00:32:09.86
it takes you to the next one.
00:32:09.86\00:32:11.19
What's the second one, Sasha?
00:32:11.43\00:32:12.76
Suspicion.
00:32:13.90\00:32:14.30
I would say a
similar thing as Angela said.
00:32:16.33\00:32:18.57
Just if suspicions arise about
anything for whatever reason,
00:32:18.97\00:32:22.84
communicate, talk about it
and be open with one another.
00:32:23.04\00:32:26.27
And you'll find that in a good
relationship, the suspicions
00:32:26.37\00:32:29.58
are really unfounded.
00:32:29.58\00:32:30.95
You have no reason to have them.
00:32:31.01\00:32:33.28
But just be open and
communicate to your spouse
00:32:33.55\00:32:36.92
about those things.
00:32:36.92\00:32:37.72
Even if you don't want to.
00:32:37.82\00:32:39.25
Yeah, we were talking about an
instance where, let's say, the
00:32:40.19\00:32:44.86
wife might be starting to work
out more and she's doing her
00:32:44.86\00:32:49.63
hair better.
00:32:49.63\00:32:50.40
And it's like those suspicions
arise when in one instance,
00:32:51.23\00:32:56.20
let's say a hypothetical
situation, a husband isn't
00:32:56.34\00:32:59.11
really maintaining those
attentions or those affections
00:32:59.11\00:33:02.04
that he was supposed to.
00:33:02.04\00:33:03.71
And now she's doing these
things to try to feel good
00:33:03.95\00:33:07.52
about herself.
00:33:07.52\00:33:08.52
And automatically the husband's
going to think, oh, why are you
00:33:08.78\00:33:12.09
doing all this?
00:33:12.09\00:33:13.22
You're making yourself up
and all this type of stuff.
00:33:13.25\00:33:15.32
You must not be.
00:33:15.32\00:33:16.22
Yeah, but if that communication
was there, then those
00:33:17.03\00:33:23.33
suspicions would evaporate.
00:33:23.33\00:33:24.53
And it's just like, oh,
you just want to be fit.
00:33:24.67\00:33:26.43
I want to get fit, too.
00:33:26.63\00:33:27.94
Well, those first two that
we brought up, the lack of trust
00:33:30.71\00:33:33.68
and suspicion, it couldn't
create a lot of anxiety within
00:33:33.68\00:33:37.61
a marriage.
00:33:37.61\00:33:38.18
And while those two things
exist, there's going to be a
00:33:39.31\00:33:42.28
lot of friction, a lot of
questioning, a lot of doubt.
00:33:42.28\00:33:45.32
And as those things begin
to linger, and if you don't
00:33:45.32\00:33:48.42
address them, as we've been
talking about with that theme
00:33:48.42\00:33:52.03
of communicating, if you don't
address them, it just builds
00:33:52.03\00:33:54.83
and builds and builds.
00:33:54.83\00:33:55.60
And that anxiety
level gets even higher.
00:33:55.73\00:33:57.93
And it just creates now other
things become a problem that
00:33:58.20\00:34:01.60
shouldn't even be a problem in
the first place because you now
00:34:01.60\00:34:03.97
have a lack of trust and now
you're always suspicious of the
00:34:03.97\00:34:06.68
other person.
00:34:06.68\00:34:10.08
things.
00:34:10.08\00:34:10.55
In the interest of
time, go to the third one now.
00:34:11.15\00:34:12.98
Let's look at the third one.
00:34:13.05\00:34:13.88
Not being heard.
00:34:14.05\00:34:14.95
I know that's one I
often hear from my wife.
00:34:15.35\00:34:18.82
I'll be honest.
00:34:18.92\00:34:19.59
She's like, you're
just not listening.
00:34:19.82\00:34:21.19
I say that, I
used to say that too.
00:34:21.92\00:34:24.59
And I'm like, yes, I am.
00:34:25.26\00:34:26.23
You said this,
this, this, this and this.
00:34:26.36\00:34:28.03
I heard you.
00:34:28.10\00:34:28.80
So why are you not answering me?
00:34:28.90\00:34:30.23
That's how our
communication goes.
00:34:32.33\00:34:34.57
But it is something that even
after 17 years of marriage and
00:34:35.27\00:34:39.41
being together, what, 20 years?
00:34:39.41\00:34:41.01
It's, well, no, more than 20.
00:34:42.28\00:34:43.78
Being so what I'm basically
trying to say is just, you
00:34:44.58\00:34:48.12
know, now we're still learning
on that even after all this
00:34:48.12\00:34:51.92
time about not being heard.
00:34:51.92\00:34:53.36
It's still a pattern.
00:34:53.36\00:34:53.39
You know, I'm still like,
and I've gotten better in some
00:34:54.59\00:34:57.06
areas.
00:34:57.06\00:34:57.36
You have, you have.
00:34:57.69\00:34:58.46
Thank you.
00:34:58.46\00:34:58.76
I appreciate that.
00:34:58.96\00:35:01.43
I realize my
husband can't read my mind.
00:35:02.63\00:35:05.17
Did you hear that?
00:35:07.47\00:35:08.37
Ladies, don't ever say
you should know by now.
00:35:09.20\00:35:13.78
That is, that is,
nobody is a mind reader.
00:35:14.54\00:35:17.78
That's right.
00:35:17.85\00:35:18.45
You should know me by now.
00:35:18.48\00:35:19.55
No, I've always said a couple,
if you don't ask for what you
00:35:19.75\00:35:22.95
want, don't be
shocked if you don't get it.
00:35:22.95\00:35:24.99
You never get to the
point where you can predict.
00:35:25.25\00:35:27.76
Now, and basic things around
the house, we're not talking
00:35:27.99\00:35:29.92
about that, but we all evolve
and we become different and
00:35:29.92\00:35:32.96
stronger and
weaker in other areas.
00:35:32.96\00:35:34.40
So don't ever say,
why didn't you know?
00:35:34.60\00:35:37.53
Because you didn't tell me.
00:35:37.83\00:35:38.60
That's what simply
the response needs to be.
00:35:38.77\00:35:40.47
Right.
00:35:40.74\00:35:44.07
recognition because most men,
maybe not all, but I, you know,
00:35:44.07\00:35:49.04
most men, and I've seen
this analogy before where in our
00:35:49.08\00:35:52.15
minds we go to specific boxes
and we can only go into one box
00:35:52.15\00:35:55.82
at a time.
00:35:55.82\00:35:59.15
We can't be in all the
different boxes at the same
00:35:59.35\00:36:01.72
time.
00:36:01.72\00:36:02.12
We're in one box.
00:36:02.22\00:36:06.66
then this is what I'm in.
00:36:07.03\00:36:08.10
And if I don't respond,
chances are I didn't hear you.
00:36:08.50\00:36:11.53
It's in that box.
00:36:12.00\00:36:13.13
Unbox yourself.
00:36:14.70\00:36:15.57
So it's also good for the wife
to recognize if that's how her
00:36:16.97\00:36:22.11
husband is, to make sure
that whatever it is that you're
00:36:22.11\00:36:26.48
addressing or trying to
communicate, that he is focused
00:36:26.48\00:36:28.75
on you because I could be in,
I could even be looking at her
00:36:28.75\00:36:32.42
and I'm still in this other
box while she's telling me.
00:36:32.42\00:36:34.72
Oh, yeah.
00:36:34.76\00:36:35.46
We've had that experience.
00:36:35.82\00:36:37.16
So it's just recognizing these
things and not allowing them to
00:36:39.79\00:36:43.47
unfold into something
that really shouldn't be there.
00:36:43.47\00:36:45.50
Just address, okay, he's
in whatever box that he's in.
00:36:45.57\00:36:47.87
Let me bring you back
in and handle it that way.
00:36:48.10\00:36:50.94
I think it also involves
the things that you don't say as
00:36:51.01\00:36:53.71
well.
00:36:53.71\00:36:54.04
Right.
00:36:54.41\00:36:56.31
If you're so busy, focused,
like you could be on your
00:36:56.54\00:36:59.61
device or whatever and you just
don't recognize that she's, you
00:36:59.61\00:37:02.85
know, huffing and puffing
around the kitchen and saying,
00:37:02.85\00:37:05.12
you know, how
can he be over there?
00:37:05.52\00:37:07.12
He knows that he hasn't done.
00:37:07.12\00:37:08.59
And, you know, if we take that
time to recognize not only the
00:37:10.26\00:37:13.83
words but also the body
language, it helps to improve
00:37:13.83\00:37:16.40
that communication and
to eliminate the boundaries.
00:37:16.40\00:37:19.17
Yeah, because I've heard my
wife say to me, you know, and
00:37:20.30\00:37:22.64
now it's working.
00:37:22.64\00:37:24.81
And she said to me, I think it
was a few days ago, maybe last
00:37:26.01\00:37:28.78
week, she said,
thank you for listening.
00:37:28.78\00:37:31.41
Oh, I did, I did.
00:37:31.85\00:37:33.75
And so we get cookies for that.
00:37:33.82\00:37:35.28
Thank you for listening.
00:37:35.38\00:37:36.02
And I get a little kiss.
00:37:36.05\00:37:36.89
Yeah, yeah.
00:37:38.39\00:37:39.35
I look forward to
when I hear those words.
00:37:39.45\00:37:40.92
You do listen, babe.
00:37:41.89\00:37:43.43
Stop.
00:37:43.69\00:37:43.89
Me too.
00:37:44.16\00:37:44.53
Let's look at the other one.
00:37:45.16\00:37:46.36
What's the fourth one, Angela?
00:37:47.03\00:37:48.03
Taken for granted.
00:37:48.86\00:37:50.33
Taken for granted.
00:37:51.67\00:37:53.47
Yes.
00:37:53.70\00:37:55.00
Try your best to guard
from getting used to each other.
00:37:56.77\00:37:59.51
One of the dangers in any
relationship is when you think
00:37:59.87\00:38:02.71
they'll always be there, he'll
always be there, she'll always
00:38:02.71\00:38:05.18
be there.
00:38:05.18\00:38:07.62
So I've learned now, sometimes
Angela would say, why are you
00:38:08.02\00:38:11.39
looking at me that way?
00:38:11.39\00:38:12.19
I said, you just, honey.
00:38:12.65\00:38:16.26
And she'd say, you're
making me uncomfortable.
00:38:17.63\00:38:19.26
It does, so
she'll give me that look.
00:38:19.66\00:38:21.63
Or getting
ready to go somewhere.
00:38:24.17\00:38:25.80
And I said, she
said, should I wear this?
00:38:25.97\00:38:28.30
I said, honey,
you need to wear that.
00:38:28.47\00:38:31.11
I mean, we really
admire each other.
00:38:32.11\00:38:33.84
And then she'll say, sometimes
she says, sometimes you're up
00:38:33.84\00:38:36.44
front speaking to us.
00:38:36.44\00:38:37.05
She'll say, what do you say?
00:38:37.21\00:38:38.41
What do I say?
00:38:39.18\00:38:39.95
That's my husband, my husband.
00:38:42.08\00:38:44.75
Yeah, and sometimes on Sabbath
morning, he'll come out and I
00:38:45.19\00:38:48.36
say, you look like a new penny.
00:38:48.36\00:38:50.39
He said, am I going
to be a dime one day?
00:38:51.69\00:38:54.36
Because we all, we see each
other through changing moments.
00:38:55.43\00:38:58.37
Yes, we're
getting older, you know.
00:38:58.37\00:38:58.40
But even not getting older, we
see each other changing pre and
00:38:59.73\00:38:59.77
post brushing teeth.
00:39:03.47\00:39:04.74
We do.
00:39:05.01\00:39:06.01
You're saying you're the
in pajamas and then in suits.
00:39:06.34\00:39:08.88
The worst and the best, yeah.
00:39:08.98\00:39:10.38
So we got to, couples,
you got to get used to.
00:39:10.38\00:39:12.41
Appreciate each other.
00:39:12.48\00:39:13.25
Appreciate your spouse
through all the changes because
00:39:13.65\00:39:16.65
sometimes a guy will go to work
and he'll have a secretary or
00:39:16.65\00:39:22.19
she'll have a boss and the
boss is always sharp and the
00:39:22.19\00:39:25.43
secretary is always dressed and
they'll say, wow, my wife never
00:39:25.43\00:39:28.76
looks like that or my husband
just never keeps himself.
00:39:28.76\00:39:31.80
So I have a whole seminar where
I talk about, talk don't forget
00:39:32.07\00:39:35.60
to keep grooming yourself.
00:39:35.60\00:39:36.91
Some husbands just forget about
deodorant after the fifth year.
00:39:37.11\00:39:39.91
Up in mercy.
00:39:39.91\00:39:39.94
My wife says, honey,
this guy has a nice scent.
00:39:41.01\00:39:44.85
You have a bad odor.
00:39:45.01\00:39:46.08
There's a difference
between an odor and a scent.
00:39:46.55\00:39:48.62
I mean, if you're
being very candid.
00:39:48.68\00:39:49.98
So, you know, the thing
that you attract, the thing that
00:39:51.32\00:39:53.56
attracted you to her,
keep that thing going.
00:39:53.56\00:39:57.39
So I said to my
wife, you want a new dress?
00:39:57.76\00:39:59.39
You want to get your hair done?
00:39:59.83\00:40:00.70
I'll take you, you know.
00:40:00.76\00:40:02.33
This evolution is something
that has to keep going and it
00:40:02.60\00:40:05.43
builds so that you don't
feel that you're being taken for
00:40:05.43\00:40:08.04
granted.
00:40:08.04\00:40:14.48
compliments when they come.
00:40:14.48\00:40:16.01
Accept it.
00:40:16.01\00:40:20.02
I'm not where I want to be.
00:40:20.12\00:40:21.52
You know, I know
sometimes the ladies.
00:40:22.02\00:40:24.09
They do that.
00:40:25.95\00:40:26.86
Yeah, I'm so fat.
00:40:27.09\00:40:28.82
I'll say that.
00:40:29.09\00:40:29.86
I'm so fat.
00:40:30.19\00:40:30.79
You're so beautiful.
00:40:30.79\00:40:31.79
I'm like, I look like a cow.
00:40:32.03\00:40:33.93
I'll say that, too.
00:40:34.73\00:40:35.63
I love you.
00:40:35.63\00:40:36.26
And he'll say that.
00:40:36.40\00:40:37.37
I say, don't say
that about yourself.
00:40:37.37\00:40:38.97
Because you know words in the
word is life and death are in
00:40:39.20\00:40:44.77
the power of the tongue.
00:40:44.77\00:40:45.67
You become, you
start dogging yourself.
00:40:46.37\00:40:48.64
I said, don't dog
yourself like that.
00:40:48.78\00:40:50.68
Honey, you know, we all go
through changes and you love,
00:40:51.21\00:40:55.85
we all go through changes.
00:40:56.35\00:40:57.39
I would have to say almost
every morning, I won't say
00:40:58.49\00:41:01.19
every morning, almost
every morning while I'm getting
00:41:01.19\00:41:03.73
ready.
00:41:03.73\00:41:04.16
And she says, hey,
babe, or good morning, babe.
00:41:04.79\00:41:06.90
What is it that I say?
00:41:06.93\00:41:07.73
Good morning, beautiful.
00:41:08.23\00:41:09.23
Every morning, I'm just
like, good morning, beautiful.
00:41:09.93\00:41:11.70
You're so sweet.
00:41:11.70\00:41:12.23
You know, and I mean it.
00:41:12.23\00:41:12.27
It's not just,
and I think that goes.
00:41:13.54\00:41:15.70
He says, good morning, hon.
00:41:16.50\00:41:17.84
Every morning.
00:41:17.84\00:41:20.88
I'm like, here we go again.
00:41:20.88\00:41:21.98
And I'll say it to her.
00:41:23.08\00:41:24.15
She said, again.
00:41:24.31\00:41:24.98
Again.
00:41:25.15\00:41:25.51
Every single day.
00:41:29.35\00:41:30.25
I love that.
00:41:30.42\00:41:32.35
You know, those
little compliments.
00:41:32.55\00:41:33.59
And, you know, I'm heartfelt
when I say these things.
00:41:33.96\00:41:36.93
I'm not just
tossing it to the wind.
00:41:36.99\00:41:38.33
It's just, you know, I mean it.
00:41:38.39\00:41:40.40
This is my wife.
00:41:40.40\00:41:41.00
He's such a morning person.
00:41:41.00\00:41:42.33
He's just, he wants to hug
me and tell me how much he loves
00:41:42.70\00:41:45.60
me.
00:41:45.60\00:41:48.00
Take those hugs.
00:41:50.81\00:41:51.61
They're scaring you safe on
the days when he's not home.
00:41:52.21\00:41:54.18
I'm just like trying to wake
up and he's like, baby, hello.
00:41:54.18\00:41:56.85
He's already walked the
dogs, cooked the breakfast,
00:41:56.95\00:41:59.35
everything.
00:41:59.45\00:42:01.62
Good husband.
00:42:03.35\00:42:04.35
And so, Sasha, do
you see those in Darrell?
00:42:05.25\00:42:07.06
Yes, I am.
00:42:07.32\00:42:08.72
I can be down on myself
sometimes, especially as I'm
00:42:08.72\00:42:11.99
approaching my 40th year.
00:42:11.99\00:42:15.23
But yeah, I can be down
on myself, but he's very
00:42:17.37\00:42:20.74
encouraging.
00:42:20.74\00:42:21.40
Make sure to know that, make
sure to let me know that I'm
00:42:21.94\00:42:24.54
beautiful in his eyes.
00:42:24.54\00:42:25.91
And yeah.
00:42:26.17\00:42:26.94
Let's all hug
our wives right now.
00:42:27.88\00:42:29.44
Oh, for the camera.
00:42:30.45\00:42:31.01
Let's just get a hug.
00:42:31.18\00:42:32.08
All of us.
00:42:32.38\00:42:33.05
I call that recharging my back.
00:42:33.05\00:42:34.22
And I read a survey
one day by a psychologist.
00:42:35.22\00:42:38.05
He said, sometimes
relationships suffer from a
00:42:38.22\00:42:40.76
lack of touch, a lack of touch.
00:42:40.76\00:42:43.19
There was a hospital survey
done by one nurse actually told
00:42:43.56\00:42:45.99
the story.
00:42:45.99\00:42:48.50
children, and they were trying
to figure out what to do to
00:42:48.50\00:42:51.03
help this kid.
00:42:51.03\00:42:51.90
She just decided to
start hugging the children and
00:42:52.13\00:42:54.40
talking to them.
00:42:54.40\00:42:57.71
They said, why is it that when
you're on staff, these kids are
00:42:57.71\00:43:01.21
just, she said, because what
medicine are you giving them?
00:43:01.21\00:43:03.81
She said, just touch, just
hug them, just talk to them.
00:43:03.85\00:43:06.75
And the same thing
works in a relationship.
00:43:07.08\00:43:08.82
Okay, what's
the next one, honey?
00:43:09.45\00:43:10.35
Number five.
00:43:10.42\00:43:11.09
Don't care.
00:43:11.55\00:43:12.25
I just don't care.
00:43:13.05\00:43:14.22
You don't care anymore.
00:43:14.69\00:43:15.89
You just kind of give up.
00:43:16.49\00:43:17.99
I don't care.
00:43:18.03\00:43:18.73
I think a lot of
marriages get to that.
00:43:18.93\00:43:20.33
They get to that.
00:43:20.33\00:43:21.20
I don't care.
00:43:21.36\00:43:22.03
That's sad.
00:43:22.63\00:43:23.30
You have to fight against that.
00:43:23.30\00:43:23.33
This is the devil.
00:43:24.70\00:43:25.93
You have to fight against that.
00:43:26.17\00:43:27.37
Yes, that don't care attitude.
00:43:27.57\00:43:29.67
Do something nice, like
don't think of yourself.
00:43:29.74\00:43:33.48
Think of the other
person and do something nice.
00:43:34.11\00:43:36.64
Try to get them the care.
00:43:36.88\00:43:38.05
Right.
00:43:38.48\00:43:38.91
You have to care.
00:43:38.98\00:43:40.22
That usually comes after an
extended period of something's
00:43:40.35\00:43:45.52
lacking on one
side or on the other.
00:43:45.52\00:43:47.36
And then one of the spouses
one day will come home and say,
00:43:47.76\00:43:50.49
Hey, I just bought a new car.
00:43:50.59\00:43:51.63
I don't really care.
00:43:51.86\00:43:52.73
Why are you not happy?
00:43:53.43\00:43:54.20
I bought you a car.
00:43:54.20\00:43:54.83
I got you a house.
00:43:54.93\00:43:55.40
I got you a job.
00:43:55.50\00:43:57.70
And I've heard wives say that
I even heard husbands say this.
00:43:58.07\00:44:01.70
I don't want stuff.
00:44:02.17\00:44:02.94
I just want you.
00:44:03.07\00:44:04.04
I don't need anything new.
00:44:04.24\00:44:06.94
I just want you to talk to me.
00:44:07.01\00:44:08.94
And sometimes they'd
say, why don't you say that?
00:44:10.28\00:44:13.72
I've been saying that for
the longest, but you're so busy
00:44:13.95\00:44:16.25
buying me stuff.
00:44:16.25\00:44:17.25
I don't care about that stuff.
00:44:18.05\00:44:19.72
I just want you.
00:44:19.75\00:44:20.69
It's that love language.
00:44:21.56\00:44:22.39
Yes.
00:44:22.39\00:44:23.02
And mine is
always like him cleaning.
00:44:23.29\00:44:25.76
I love it.
00:44:27.40\00:44:28.33
That makes me the
happiest person in the world.
00:44:28.53\00:44:31.03
So before, before he was in the
turn, he wouldn't, I mean, the
00:44:32.37\00:44:36.64
dishes were never done.
00:44:36.64\00:44:37.81
And then I started to
notice that he, when he started
00:44:38.04\00:44:41.04
changing, I would come home and
he would come home from lunch
00:44:41.04\00:44:43.95
and do the dishes because he
knew I, that's something I, you
00:44:43.95\00:44:47.45
know, I was very like
the dishes need to be done.
00:44:47.45\00:44:49.72
And he started to care.
00:44:50.25\00:44:51.72
And that's when I started
seeing him turn is when he
00:44:51.72\00:44:54.52
started caring and doing stuff.
00:44:54.52\00:44:56.52
But before he didn't care.
00:44:56.52\00:44:57.66
You do dishes?
00:44:57.86\00:44:58.66
No.
00:44:59.26\00:44:59.39
Every day.
00:44:59.63\00:44:59.93
He does it.
00:45:00.66\00:45:01.23
He will go in
there and do a cooking.
00:45:01.50\00:45:03.63
He calls it Hurricane Angela.
00:45:03.63\00:45:04.63
Hurricane Angela.
00:45:04.67\00:45:05.53
Yeah, I know what you mean.
00:45:06.00\00:45:07.70
Hurricane Angela.
00:45:07.77\00:45:08.94
And I'm in there washing all
the dishes, but you know, now I
00:45:08.94\00:45:11.94
actually get a little bit
anxiety when the dish, when the
00:45:11.94\00:45:15.44
dish or the sink is full.
00:45:15.44\00:45:16.54
Just leave it, baby.
00:45:16.58\00:45:17.71
He's like, no, I'm
going to clean the dishes.
00:45:17.81\00:45:18.95
So before I didn't care.
00:45:19.08\00:45:20.65
But now it's I'm so invested
in it because I know how much it
00:45:20.65\00:45:24.05
means to her to have a
nice clean kitchen that I'm so
00:45:24.05\00:45:26.99
invested in.
00:45:26.99\00:45:30.96
to him things like open the
windows, clean out, wash your
00:45:30.96\00:45:33.83
dishes.
00:45:33.83\00:45:37.60
grandma.
00:45:37.60\00:45:38.03
But eventually he saw that
that is something that made me
00:45:41.44\00:45:43.81
happy.
00:45:43.81\00:45:46.41
So what I would say to
all this, instead of the don't
00:45:50.61\00:45:53.01
care, look for that love
language that speaks to that
00:45:53.01\00:45:55.98
person, because chances are,
like you mentioned before, to
00:45:55.98\00:45:58.89
get to that point, a lot of
things had to have occurred or
00:45:58.89\00:46:02.16
a lot of things
neglected to get to that point.
00:46:02.16\00:46:05.33
So you might be doing all these
things and wondering why is my
00:46:05.76\00:46:08.56
spouse not responding?
00:46:08.56\00:46:09.56
Well, it's because you're
not really speaking to what is
00:46:09.76\00:46:12.07
important to her or or him.
00:46:12.07\00:46:14.17
You know, so you need to
recognize what the other person
00:46:14.17\00:46:16.77
actually wants.
00:46:16.77\00:46:17.74
And that, again, goes
back to pay attention.
00:46:17.74\00:46:20.14
This comes to that love
language acts of service, acts
00:46:20.14\00:46:24.18
of service.
00:46:24.18\00:46:24.95
Little things mean a lot.
00:46:25.21\00:46:26.55
And, you know,
I'm that kind of guy.
00:46:27.48\00:46:29.68
She would put the
food on the table.
00:46:29.68\00:46:31.25
I would remove the dishes.
00:46:31.45\00:46:32.69
You're good at cleaning.
00:46:33.56\00:46:34.42
I'm like Angela.
00:46:34.62\00:46:35.46
He's good.
00:46:35.62\00:46:36.19
I'll do the cook cooking.
00:46:36.26\00:46:37.49
And he's meticulous.
00:46:37.69\00:46:39.59
Clean the top of the fridge.
00:46:39.76\00:46:41.23
Stuff like that.
00:46:41.73\00:46:42.83
Vacuum the baseboard.
00:46:43.37\00:46:44.73
I wouldn't do that.
00:46:46.17\00:46:47.67
I'm not there yet.
00:46:47.97\00:46:48.94
Vacuum the baseboard.
00:46:51.04\00:46:52.21
Take the nozzle off to get that
little dirt that's between the
00:46:52.27\00:46:55.24
end of the wall and the floor.
00:46:55.24\00:46:56.21
He said, I said,
don't worry about it.
00:46:57.71\00:46:59.91
I got it, honey.
00:46:59.91\00:47:00.55
And the windex on the.
00:47:00.68\00:47:01.48
That's awesome.
00:47:02.02\00:47:02.52
We're working there.
00:47:02.52\00:47:02.55
We're working there.
00:47:03.25\00:47:03.72
Let's go to the next.
00:47:04.22\00:47:04.79
OK, the next one.
00:47:04.85\00:47:05.52
Yours.
00:47:05.52\00:47:05.72
Divided heart.
00:47:06.12\00:47:06.92
Divided heart.
00:47:07.32\00:47:08.22
This doesn't have to mean that
somebody else is there, but it
00:47:08.59\00:47:10.86
could be divided spiritually.
00:47:10.86\00:47:12.06
There are some homes
that are not spiritual.
00:47:12.63\00:47:14.66
There are hearts.
00:47:14.93\00:47:16.93
Yeah, divided.
00:47:17.13\00:47:18.33
Yeah.
00:47:18.43\00:47:18.77
Totally.
00:47:18.90\00:47:20.74
OK, you got to ask.
00:47:20.80\00:47:21.57
You got to find out what
direction each person is taking
00:47:22.34\00:47:24.71
because division
doesn't necessarily mean another
00:47:24.71\00:47:26.84
person.
00:47:26.84\00:47:27.31
It could be I'm
more focused on job.
00:47:27.64\00:47:29.41
You're focused on kids.
00:47:29.81\00:47:31.05
I'm focused on education.
00:47:31.41\00:47:32.81
You're focused on video games.
00:47:33.18\00:47:34.65
I'm focused on
cleaning the house.
00:47:34.98\00:47:36.42
You're focused on
talking all day to your friends.
00:47:36.72\00:47:38.95
And, you know, I know a guy
actually when I was pastoring
00:47:39.45\00:47:42.09
in California, a wife called
me one day and she said, my
00:47:42.09\00:47:45.16
husband broke my iPad.
00:47:45.16\00:47:46.76
And I felt really badly for her.
00:47:47.03\00:47:49.03
I said, is your
husband anywhere nearby?
00:47:49.03\00:47:50.50
Could you put him on the phone?
00:47:50.80\00:47:51.73
He said, all day long, I'm
trying to get her to just do
00:47:52.23\00:47:56.00
something around this house.
00:47:56.00\00:47:56.97
Wow.
00:47:57.07\00:47:57.44
I come home.
00:47:57.44\00:47:58.27
It looks the same
way it did when I left.
00:47:58.37\00:47:59.81
The kids are not clean.
00:48:00.18\00:48:01.54
The house is a mess.
00:48:01.61\00:48:02.48
The food is still in the sink.
00:48:02.54\00:48:03.71
Nothing's been put
away from breakfast.
00:48:04.05\00:48:05.31
And what does she do?
00:48:05.68\00:48:06.61
All day long, she's on
her iPad playing video games.
00:48:06.75\00:48:09.02
That's why I broke it.
00:48:09.32\00:48:10.45
And I thought, OK, I probably
wouldn't have broke her iPad,
00:48:10.59\00:48:14.36
but he said, I just had enough.
00:48:15.02\00:48:15.89
He was frustrated.
00:48:15.89\00:48:15.92
I had enough of it.
00:48:16.59\00:48:17.43
And there's some
people that are that way.
00:48:17.56\00:48:18.86
You've got to find out what is
causing your heart to be not on
00:48:18.86\00:48:21.66
the same table.
00:48:21.66\00:48:22.36
And in some instances, it's
you don't want to communicate.
00:48:22.93\00:48:25.77
You don't want to talk.
00:48:26.23\00:48:27.27
That's right.
00:48:27.27\00:48:27.64
You want to avoid it.
00:48:27.84\00:48:28.94
And I talk about
another whole seminar.
00:48:28.97\00:48:30.51
We need to do this again about
avoidance and dominance and all
00:48:30.54\00:48:34.71
that stuff.
00:48:34.71\00:48:37.11
everything else.
00:48:37.11\00:48:37.95
They'll work on that card until
the wife is snoring in bed and
00:48:38.35\00:48:40.88
then come to bed because they
don't want to talk about it.
00:48:40.88\00:48:42.72
So you have to
watch out for that one.
00:48:43.49\00:48:44.72
OK, Darrell, number seven.
00:48:45.55\00:48:46.52
Number seven, marital affair.
00:48:46.96\00:48:48.56
And it's I think you've come
a long way through all of these
00:48:48.82\00:48:54.56
suspicion, lack of trust to get
to that point where, you know,
00:48:54.56\00:48:59.60
I know prior to Sasha and
I being together, there were
00:48:59.60\00:49:02.67
times where infidelity was
involved in relationships that
00:49:02.67\00:49:06.68
I had,
relationships that she's had.
00:49:06.68\00:49:09.24
And you realize
that it brings baggage.
00:49:09.54\00:49:12.45
I mean, even even coming into a
new marriage, when you when you
00:49:13.42\00:49:18.12
do those types of things,
you're bringing things from
00:49:18.12\00:49:22.86
other relationships
into your relationship.
00:49:22.86\00:49:25.46
And you realize that now
you view this person as somebody
00:49:25.73\00:49:32.33
else who has maybe done
something else wrong to you or
00:49:32.33\00:49:36.27
whatever.
00:49:36.27\00:49:36.91
And you can't get past this.
00:49:36.91\00:49:38.77
It's like you put up
an invisible barrier.
00:49:39.31\00:49:42.54
So now every time you you speak
to someone or something like
00:49:42.54\00:49:46.95
that, it's automatically,
are they doing or they are they
00:49:46.95\00:49:51.99
doing the same thing again?
00:49:51.99\00:49:52.89
Yeah.
00:49:52.89\00:49:53.42
But when you when you like I
said, when you commit marital
00:49:54.12\00:49:59.06
affairs or anything like that
or just an affair in general,
00:49:59.06\00:50:02.06
now you've made a connection
with someone else that you
00:50:03.87\00:50:06.90
should have
developed with your wife.
00:50:06.90\00:50:08.94
And now, even after that
connection, physically may be
00:50:08.94\00:50:12.81
broken off.
00:50:12.81\00:50:13.71
Now, there is a disconnect
between you and your wife that
00:50:14.01\00:50:17.21
has to be resolved.
00:50:17.21\00:50:18.28
And I realize like for
Sasha and I, because of the
00:50:18.85\00:50:24.19
challenges that I had prior
to us getting married, I never
00:50:24.19\00:50:28.46
want to do that to my spouse,
to ruin that what we've built
00:50:28.46\00:50:35.66
up over all these years.
00:50:35.66\00:50:36.73
For us, we had
verbalized to each other.
00:50:36.83\00:50:38.77
Divorce is not an option.
00:50:40.50\00:50:41.77
But I realize with that
covenant that we've made, also
00:50:41.87\00:50:47.24
has to come work.
00:50:47.24\00:50:48.28
Work, a lot of work.
00:50:48.74\00:50:49.94
And so like why you people
who have a temptation to be
00:50:50.68\00:50:56.28
unfaithful to their spouse,
in that moment, you have to say,
00:50:58.39\00:51:02.99
why am I having this temptation?
00:51:03.36\00:51:05.33
What is it?
00:51:06.09\00:51:07.00
And automatically you
might say, oh, my spouse isn't
00:51:07.30\00:51:10.73
fulfilling my needs but
what about me in that moment is
00:51:10.73\00:51:15.64
being neglected.
00:51:15.64\00:51:17.64
I think a lot of times,
nine times out of ten, it's a
00:51:18.64\00:51:21.24
neglect between you.
00:51:21.24\00:51:22.91
It's a broken relationship.
00:51:22.91\00:51:24.35
And you're trying to fill a
void that only God should be
00:51:24.71\00:51:26.88
filling.
00:51:26.88\00:51:27.05
And some people
fill it with alcohol.
00:51:27.88\00:51:29.55
Some people fill it
with another person.
00:51:29.65\00:51:31.09
Some people fill
it with gambling.
00:51:31.55\00:51:32.79
Some people fill it with drugs.
00:51:32.89\00:51:34.29
You got to say that void
should be only filled with God.
00:51:35.02\00:51:38.39
And when God fills it,
there's no lack here because he
00:51:38.46\00:51:41.63
restores what you
think should not be there.
00:51:41.63\00:51:44.07
And another thing, another
thing, when you have those
00:51:44.07\00:51:47.20
differences with one another,
rather than going and talking
00:51:47.20\00:51:50.41
to somebody else about it, like
you mentioned it earlier about
00:51:50.41\00:51:53.34
not talking to your friend
about your spouse, rather than
00:51:54.04\00:51:57.25
going to someone else and
talking about it, though they
00:51:57.25\00:51:59.55
may listen, they may even give
good advice, but it gets to a
00:51:59.55\00:52:03.32
point where now you're
stepping outside of the marriage
00:52:03.32\00:52:05.65
covenant.
00:52:05.65\00:52:09.89
God.
00:52:09.89\00:52:10.36
And now you're
breaking the relationship.
00:52:10.86\00:52:13.23
And to me, I think you should
kind of feel guilty if you've
00:52:13.66\00:52:17.43
done that.
00:52:17.43\00:52:22.14
and told their business as it
were to another person, I would
00:52:22.14\00:52:26.17
say even tell your spouse,
I'm sorry that I went outside of
00:52:26.17\00:52:30.88
our marriage covenant because
it's not just about an affair,
00:52:30.88\00:52:34.42
isn't necessarily about sexual
relations and all of these
00:52:34.65\00:52:38.02
things.
00:52:38.02\00:52:41.52
speaking to with your
spouse, we're supposed to be a
00:52:41.52\00:52:44.36
confidant for one another.
00:52:44.36\00:52:45.56
There's certain things
that should never leave our
00:52:45.96\00:52:49.70
relationship.
00:52:49.70\00:52:50.20
And you know why?
00:52:51.27\00:52:51.97
Because it comes back.
00:52:52.10\00:52:53.07
The enemy would reserve that
for the right time and bring it
00:52:54.54\00:52:57.51
back to injure
your relationship.
00:52:57.51\00:52:59.61
Wow.
00:53:00.61\00:53:00.84
Now we have like
three minutes, four minutes.
00:53:01.88\00:53:05.21
I don't think we're going
to get through all the other
00:53:05.28\00:53:06.55
things.
00:53:06.55\00:53:08.15
Career first is another
one that just gets in the way.
00:53:09.52\00:53:11.89
People work,
work, work, work, work.
00:53:12.19\00:53:13.42
No religion when God is not
in the home, the home could get
00:53:13.82\00:53:17.39
destroyed easily.
00:53:17.39\00:53:18.46
And the other one,
career over family.
00:53:19.03\00:53:21.43
We're going to be talking about
some of these and like I said,
00:53:22.43\00:53:24.57
I like to request another
program where we could talk
00:53:24.60\00:53:26.27
about communication.
00:53:26.27\00:53:27.34
So let's just see how much
we could do very quickly on the
00:53:28.80\00:53:32.57
love languages.
00:53:32.57\00:53:33.17
Let's go all the
way on to number 10.
00:53:33.68\00:53:35.14
So, okay, we're over there.
00:53:35.14\00:53:36.75
Let's start over here.
00:53:36.75\00:53:36.78
Okay, let's start with, I'll
give you the first shot, honey.
00:53:38.28\00:53:40.22
Affirmation.
00:53:40.82\00:53:41.25
Okay.
00:53:41.65\00:53:42.08
What does that mean?
00:53:42.18\00:53:42.75
Kind of what we say to each
other, you affirm it over each
00:53:44.15\00:53:47.49
other.
00:53:47.49\00:53:47.82
Honey, that meal
was so good today.
00:53:48.62\00:53:51.36
Oh, you did that.
00:53:51.56\00:53:52.56
That's affirmation.
00:53:52.56\00:53:52.59
She said, wasn't my dinner good?
00:53:53.73\00:53:54.83
I know.
00:53:54.83\00:53:55.43
I said, do you see any love?
00:53:55.43\00:53:56.36
Affirmation.
00:53:58.27\00:53:58.73
Try to find ways of...
00:53:58.83\00:54:00.07
Encouraging.
00:54:01.64\00:54:02.14
Honey, you're so
good at what you do.
00:54:02.54\00:54:04.31
Don't hesitate to
say that to your spouse.
00:54:04.31\00:54:06.21
You're so good at what you do.
00:54:06.41\00:54:07.58
Well, I'm not saying you're
the best, but you're so good at
00:54:07.61\00:54:09.71
what you do.
00:54:09.71\00:54:12.51
Right now, I won't even compete
with her in audio editing the
00:54:12.71\00:54:15.38
way ahead of me on that.
00:54:15.38\00:54:16.48
Affirmation.
00:54:17.22\00:54:17.59
What's next?
00:54:18.29\00:54:18.69
Angela.
00:54:19.55\00:54:19.89
For the next one.
00:54:20.06\00:54:20.62
Time.
00:54:21.09\00:54:21.46
Time is so important.
00:54:21.99\00:54:23.12
You know, I used to, at home,
I would just be like, clean,
00:54:23.49\00:54:26.09
clean, clean, clean.
00:54:26.19\00:54:27.13
And then I wouldn't have time
for Ian because I felt like me
00:54:27.46\00:54:30.40
cleaning was doing something
for him, you know, keeping his
00:54:30.40\00:54:33.54
house clean but my poor little
husband, all he wanted me to do
00:54:33.54\00:54:36.91
is come sit by him.
00:54:36.91\00:54:37.87
So now I sit and, you know, we
sit together more and that's so
00:54:49.32\00:54:53.59
important.
00:54:53.59\00:54:54.16
Time together is quality time.
00:54:54.29\00:54:56.79
Reserve a date night.
00:54:56.89\00:54:57.96
What's our date night?
00:54:58.16\00:54:58.79
Thursday night.
00:54:59.09\00:54:59.89
Sometimes we do
Sunday or Thursday.
00:55:04.77\00:55:06.50
If we can't do
Thursday like tonight, we can't.
00:55:06.57\00:55:08.50
We do a Sunday.
00:55:08.50\00:55:09.44
Okay, the next one.
00:55:09.87\00:55:11.11
I'm going to
throw it to Sasha there.
00:55:11.21\00:55:12.34
Gifts.
00:55:13.34\00:55:13.71
Okay, yeah.
00:55:14.24\00:55:14.98
Gifts has never been mine.
00:55:15.91\00:55:17.08
Mine would
actually be the next one.
00:55:17.08\00:55:17.11
Okay, what would yours be?
00:55:19.08\00:55:20.02
Acts of Service.
00:55:20.28\00:55:21.25
Okay.
00:55:21.48\00:55:21.88
Much to Durell's Disney.
00:55:22.05\00:55:23.82
I think I'm more
words of affirmation.
00:55:24.95\00:55:26.92
Words of affirmation?
00:55:27.12\00:55:27.96
Yeah.
00:55:28.09\00:55:28.49
I started out as physical touch
but I realize it can change as
00:55:29.59\00:55:32.79
time goes.
00:55:32.79\00:55:33.76
Well, I just said the last one.
00:55:34.20\00:55:35.10
Physical touch is the last one.
00:55:35.26\00:55:36.43
Okay.
00:55:36.83\00:55:37.23
Yeah.
00:55:37.30\00:55:37.87
And then physical
touch is the last one.
00:55:38.23\00:55:39.60
So let's do this.
00:55:39.70\00:55:40.34
First Corinthians chapter 13.
00:55:40.57\00:55:41.67
Let's turn there very quickly.
00:55:41.90\00:55:42.74
Quickly.
00:55:42.74\00:55:43.27
Let's see if we
can get this in here.
00:55:43.57\00:55:44.57
We could get this.
00:55:44.57\00:55:45.27
If we can't get it all.
00:55:45.47\00:55:46.84
It's only 13 verses.
00:55:47.01\00:55:48.44
Okay, we'll start with Durell.
00:55:48.58\00:55:49.81
Though I speak with the tongues
of men and of angels and have
00:55:50.08\00:55:52.78
not charity, I am become
his sounding brass or tinkling
00:55:52.78\00:55:55.55
cymbal.
00:55:55.55\00:55:58.69
mysteries and all knowledge,
and though I have all faiths
00:55:58.69\00:56:01.92
that I could remove mountains
and have not charity, I am
00:56:01.92\00:56:05.36
nothing.
00:56:05.36\00:56:08.73
though I give my body to be
burned and have not charity, it
00:56:08.73\00:56:12.07
profiteth me nothing.
00:56:12.07\00:56:12.97
Charity
suffereth long and is kind.
00:56:13.47\00:56:15.50
Charity envieth not.
00:56:15.87\00:56:17.07
Charity vaunteth not.
00:56:17.27\00:56:18.44
Itself is not puffed up.
00:56:18.61\00:56:20.04
Does not behave rudely.
00:56:20.58\00:56:21.78
Does not seek its own.
00:56:21.88\00:56:22.94
Is not provoked.
00:56:23.45\00:56:24.31
Thinks no evil.
00:56:24.41\00:56:25.25
Does not rejoice in
iniquity but rejoices in truth.
00:56:25.65\00:56:28.58
Bears all thing.
00:56:29.18\00:56:29.95
Believes all thing.
00:56:30.02\00:56:31.05
Hopes all things.
00:56:31.05\00:56:32.15
Endures all things.
00:56:32.15\00:56:33.69
Love never fails.
00:56:34.42\00:56:35.99
But whether there be, whether
there are prophecies, they will
00:56:36.42\00:56:41.03
fail.
00:56:41.03\00:56:41.50
Whether there are
tongues, they will cease.
00:56:41.96\00:56:44.03
Whether there is
knowledge, it will vanish away.
00:56:44.33\00:56:47.37
And throw it together, honey.
00:56:47.50\00:56:48.47
All of us.
00:56:48.54\00:56:49.17
And now by faith, hope, love.
00:56:49.37\00:56:52.81
These three.
00:56:53.17\00:56:54.01
But the greatest
of these is love.
00:56:54.31\00:56:57.01
Amen.
00:56:57.28\00:57:00.05
hold on.
00:57:00.05\00:57:03.99
Amen.
00:57:04.25\00:57:04.49