Participants:
Series Code: TDYL
Program Code: TDYL240015B
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00:11 Welcome back to our 3ABN Thursday Night Live, not on the
00:16 regular set in studio A, we're here in studio B with this 00:19 beautiful set that the crew has done an amazing job preparing 00:23 and just sharing, sharing from our hearts, sharing with 00:27 authenticity and transparency how God has worked in our 00:31 lives, some of those broken places in our lives and how 00:34 He's working to bring healing in our own hearts, in our 00:38 marriages, and in our families. 00:39 Here with my sisters tonight as we talk about boundaries, 00:43 harmonizing work and life. 00:46 The first hour Angela shared about her marriage with her 00:49 husband. 00:53 for him and worked on establishing those boundaries, 00:55 and then how he became a Christian. 00:57 And then the boundaries they have as a Christian couple now 01:01 and in their family. 01:02 Dr. Yvonne Shelton shared powerful testimony on 01:07 forgiveness. 01:08 Forgiveness in her life that she extended to other people, 01:12 and then another amazing almost salvation type of testimony, 01:16 which was incredible. 01:17 But if you're just joining us, our family here tonight, my 01:20 sister, Dr. Yvonne Shelton, my sister, Shelly Quinn, my 01:24 sister, Angela Vandervalk, and my sister, Rise Rafferty. 01:27 You know it's funny, Pastor John Lomacane recently came 01:31 back from overseas, and he said when he came back, you know, 01:34 they really believe over there that you and Shelly are 01:36 sisters, biological sisters. 01:38 Because we always say on Salvation panel, my sister so 01:41 and so. 01:46 women as biological sisters too. 01:48 And I love that. 01:49 You know, if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we 01:52 have fellowship with one another. 01:54 And that's that spiritual koinonia, that connection that 01:57 God gives us. 01:59 So jumping in, let's move over to sister Rise Rafferty and 02:03 talk to us about health and boundaries and whatever's on 02:06 your heart. 02:06 Yeah, absolutely. 02:08 So you know, a little bit more about how I define boundaries 02:12 or what's really helped me to understand boundaries better is 02:15 through the lens of God's book in nature and through our own 02:18 physiology. 02:23 created us, he created us with many members. 02:26 We have lots of different parts, and all of those parts 02:28 have boundaries. 02:30 So there are boundaries to my stomach, and that's what 02:32 defines it as a boundary or boundaries to my heart, and yet 02:36 at the same time, they're one. 02:38 You know, so boundaries are not meant to be isolating or 02:44 alienating. 02:45 They're actually meant for us to be able to have a healthy 02:48 space that I can interact and give and receive to others and 02:52 communicate, and I was thinking about this like at a cellular 02:56 level. 02:57 When you look at what we're made out of, we're made out of, 03:00 you know, trillions of cells, right, and all these cells have 03:04 what's called a membrane, and that membrane is their 03:06 boundary. 03:07 It contains what's within it. 03:09 It defines what it is. 03:11 And yet, you know, we think of that membrane as just like a 03:14 wall or a border, and yet they really call the membrane the 03:18 brain of the cell because it's at the membrane where there's 03:22 all these receptors to communicate with the outside 03:25 world and where those receptors have ability to transform 03:30 what's going on inside of the cell and elicit all kinds of 03:33 biochemical reactions and stuff, and so when I think of 03:37 boundaries and healthy I think, isn't it beautiful how God 03:41 designed boundaries to function. 03:43 They were to be a place where I would meet with my neighbor and 03:46 we could safely, hopefully, respectfully interact and 03:51 communicate with each other and be a blessing to one another 03:55 and become one and yet still retain this amazing 03:59 individuality. 04:00 And I see this as God's signature in nature everywhere, 04:04 kind of like what I said earlier that when he created 04:06 things he divided it and yet, this is kind of crazy, I look 04:12 at Ezekiel's wheel within the wheel so here we have, you 04:14 know, oh here's land and here's water and then we get to 04:17 Ezekiel and he's like, he's so confusing because he's talking 04:19 about this wheel within a wheel and we can't picture what that 04:22 is and yet again when you study health and science even more 04:26 and you're like, wow, we're made out of atoms. 04:28 It's all these wheels within a wheel that are circulating and 04:32 going crazy it looks like to us and even there when we look at 04:37 the atom which we think of as a single one unit, I'm not trying 04:41 to geek out on you guys but you know, I'm just trying to think 04:43 this is God's handiwork, right, that you look even at the atom 04:47 and the atom can give part of itself to another thing and it 04:51 becomes something else, you know, and it's a way of joining 04:54 and forming molecules and bonds and that's what this world is 04:58 structured out of and so our boundaries are so important 05:03 when it comes to our emotional health and our spiritual health 05:07 and our social relationships that you know who I am, I know 05:12 who you are and therefore when we connect I can connect 05:15 uniquely with Angela in a way that I don't connect with 05:18 someone else because of my knowledge of her and how at 05:21 that border how we interact like two kids on a fence. 05:25 You know what I'm saying? 05:26 It's kind of playing with each other or something and so it's 05:29 this interactive beautiful thing and again if I don't have 05:33 definable boundaries then the relationships can become really 05:37 unhealthy whether that's social relationships or emotionally or 05:42 socially or physically and I was thinking about how like 05:47 diabetes is a boundary problem, it's a boundary problem at the 05:51 cell. 05:55 know on the lining of our intestines and that opens the 05:59 doorway floodgates for all kinds of disease. 06:01 Our blood brain barrier is supposed to be a barrier but 06:05 it's a semi-permeable one where it selectively allows things in 06:10 and again just I want to you know just emphasize this 06:14 concept that the boundary is a place where there's fluidity 06:19 and there's interaction and exchange right where the 06:23 intestinal barrier is one where I take in all these nutrients 06:26 and all these things that seem separate from me but now 06:30 they're becoming a part of me and a boundary crossing but 06:34 that's anyway it's just I think it's absolutely fascinating how 06:38 God does I look at them like I don't know how anyone can 06:41 really not see the design you know what I mean? 06:44 And the core principle of God at work which is living and 06:50 receiving to give you know that nothing in nature lives into 06:53 itself and so when I create boundaries or I establish 06:56 boundaries with a friend or with my husband or something 06:58 it's not just saying no to something it's saying yes to 07:02 something else you know like when my husband used to come 07:06 home and he would be working all day long and I'm just like 07:09 waiting to see him and then And he's got so much work to do, 07:12 he's on his computer, on his phone. 07:14 And I got to the point where I just hated those things. 07:16 I just wanted to throw them out the window, or I was thinking, 07:19 imagine myself, you know, destroying them. 07:24 Yeah, I know. 07:26 But... 07:28 Right. 07:29 Yeah. 07:32 need to have some boundaries where there is work time, and 07:36 then it stops. 07:37 Right? 07:39 And I get emergencies and all that kind of stuff. 07:41 And when James finally bought into the idea that he wasn't 07:44 just saying no to work, but he was saying yes to pillow talk 07:47 time and a happy wife. 07:49 You know what I'm saying? 07:50 Like, and happy life. 07:51 And he was like, no. 07:54 an illustration, just to emphasize that it's not a bad 07:58 thing, it's actually a really good thing. 07:59 Right. 08:04 boundaries that would support a healthy lifestyle? 08:07 And it's fascinating how my acting out or behaving within 08:14 boundaries allows for my internal boundaries to function 08:18 optimally. 08:19 And how that translates. 08:21 Actually, I can change how my internal boundaries function by 08:25 having appropriate boundaries that I live on a daily basis. 08:29 And when you think about it, like, I have a lot of patients 08:32 who will tell me, I don't have time to exercise or I hate 08:37 cooking and therefore I'm not going to. 08:40 And I was like, I get that. 08:41 You know, you're busy and you don't enjoy cooking. 08:44 And those are legitimate, right? 08:47 But if you want to experience optimization of your own 08:51 internal body boundaries, whether that is with diabetes 08:54 or a leaky gut or with brain health or, you know, wherever 08:57 that is, somehow we've got to establish boundaries externally 09:01 that aren't based on how I feel. 09:04 Right? 09:08 these are healthy boundaries. 09:10 You know what I mean? 09:14 them. 09:16 So yeah, so I was thinking, wow, exercise is an experience 09:21 that takes time and boundaries. 09:23 I'm going to make time for this on a consistent basis. 09:25 And it's not something I'm just going to, oh, maybe someday, 09:29 right? 09:32 component of, so I make boundaries around it. 09:36 And sometimes there are time boundaries, sometimes they 09:39 might be, I've had people tell me, I can't exercise at home 09:43 because my husband makes fun of me, or something like that. 09:45 You know, if I try exercising, you know, within the home. 09:47 And that's an opportunity, I mean, that would be a boundary 09:50 that you could express to your husband. 09:52 Sorry, I'm deviating here. 09:54 But you know, like, wow, you know, when you make fun of me 09:57 when I'm exercising, something that I'm really, it's already 10:00 hard for me to do, you know, it's discouraging me. 10:04 And so, I'm going to ask you not to make fun of me anymore. 10:08 You think it's funny, but it's not funny to me. 10:10 You know, and you can communicate that as a healthy 10:12 boundary. 10:15 then you're going to lock the door. 10:16 I'm going to lock the door. 10:17 Something like that. 10:18 You know, I can't have you in this space and tease me. 10:21 Not that your husband would do that, I just use that as an 10:23 illustration of, you Because I think those are really 10:29 important to have, yeah, commitment to boundaries. 10:33 I was just thinking, or your husband could be like Greg, who 10:35 exercises with me. 10:37 One of those people who don't, it's not my favorite thing to 10:39 exercise, so he says, oh, Jilly, let's do it together. 10:42 Every morning, we do it together. 10:44 And he always says, oh, aren't you looking so cute there? 10:47 And I'm like, focus, you're supposed to be exercising. 10:51 It's like our little romantic bonding time over exercise. 10:54 That's great. 10:54 I love it. 10:55 That's great. 10:56 Supporting you. 10:56 That's great. 10:57 Yeah. 10:57 I feel like that is great. 10:58 Yeah, and we need that in every area of life. 11:00 You know, sticking to boundaries, I think that once 11:02 we establish our boundaries, it's really important to own 11:08 them, to respect them ourselves. 11:10 If we don't respect our own boundaries, then people are 11:13 going to walk all over us, and life is going to walk all over 11:15 us, and it's going to happen without our intentional say. 11:19 That's right. 11:20 You know what I mean? 11:20 Yes. 11:25 be able to define my boundaries and what I'm about today and 11:29 who I am, and that actually living a healthy life is really 11:32 important for me because I like the results type of thing. 11:35 People think I love to cook. 11:36 No, I don't love to cook. 11:37 I do it because I like the results. 11:39 My husband likes my food. 11:40 I enjoy eating my food. 11:42 So that's what I think I eat better when I cook, or whatever 11:46 it is. 11:47 You know what I'm saying? 11:50 do, and Dad, I think that permeates so many different 11:54 areas of our life. 11:56 I mentioned exercise, food, you know, just that we think about 11:59 these things and define them. 12:01 And I was thinking how in the Bible, when it says, you know, 12:04 let your yea be yea and your no no, that you're really... 12:09 I was looking at it through the lens of boundaries. 12:11 Amen. 12:12 You know? 12:16 it's to my child, I mean no. 12:18 That's good. 12:22 time or this is important to me, and I say no, I reinforce 12:25 that myself. 12:26 I'm not the bad guy because I'm sticking by that. 12:29 I can come across as the bad guy or people can perceive me 12:31 that way, but ultimately I have to be true to my boundaries. 12:35 And I think our boundaries are set up because they demarcate 12:39 what is like life sustaining and giving and what's 12:43 destructive and bad behavior, right? 12:46 And I'm so glad you stuck with your husband, but I don't think 12:48 all women need to stick with their bad behaving husbands. 12:51 Do you know what I'm saying? 12:54 sort of thing. 12:58 You know what I'm saying? 13:01 woman within a relationship. 13:05 For example, physical abuse. 13:07 Physical abuse. 13:10 that. 13:11 And just keep getting abused. 13:12 You set that boundary. 13:13 You're not touching me. 13:14 Yeah. 13:15 Right? 13:18 I have to step out of that. 13:19 Exactly. 13:20 You know what you said I love because boundaries, we think of 13:25 them sometimes as being restricting, but they're 13:28 protecting everything that you've explained. 13:31 And that's what I think about like God's Ten Commandments. 13:34 I saw this somewhere in Mexico in the high mountains and it 13:40 had this path that was going down that was maybe that wide 13:44 and people are going down on a donkey or something. 13:47 And I'm thinking, you know, that's kind of like the narrow 13:50 path of life. 13:51 And if there was a fence up along there, you wouldn't look 13:55 at that like, oh, I wish this fence weren't here. 13:59 You look at it as protection and that's like what God did 14:02 with his Ten Commandments. 14:03 That's what God does with us. 14:05 Absolutely. 14:09 because you've set my heart free. 14:10 And his commandments are really like, I was looking at the 14:14 first four and like God was setting boundaries. 14:16 Absolutely. 14:20 I want it to be exclusive. 14:22 I want to be who I am in this relationship and not who you 14:25 think I am, right? 14:27 And he outlines, I mean, I'm putting, I'm not quoting the 14:30 commandments specifically, but that's what I see in them as 14:33 boundaries that he is defining the relationship and this is 14:36 how, yeah, to relate to me and to be close to me. 14:40 And if you don't spend time with me on my sabbath, or if 14:44 you disrespect my name, we're not going to be as close as we 14:48 would be, right? 14:49 That's kind of, so there's this, I don't know, 14:52 responsibility, I guess, that comes along with honoring each 14:55 other's boundaries. 14:56 I was thinking of financially, I don't know, you have a bank 15:00 account, Shelley, and I'm sure you have pass codes around it 15:04 and you ensure that where you have your money, there's 15:07 boundaries around it to protect it. 15:09 Why wouldn't you give me your passcode to your bank account? 15:12 Yeah, because, you know, there's so many people who are 15:15 boundary busters and when we think about God, even when 15:19 we're boundary busters with God, he says, I'm with you 15:23 while you're with me, but if you reject me, I'll reject you. 15:27 We have to protect the relationship between husband 15:33 and wife, the relationship between the financial, and I 15:37 don't know where you're going with this, but I just think 15:40 that all boundaries are for our protection. 15:43 They are. 15:48 finite. 15:49 So when I set boundaries, I'm acknowledging I'm not God. 15:53 I can't fill all your needs, whether it's emotionally. 15:55 I can't fill your needs, you know, in every single way or 15:59 I'm not going to give you the access to my bank account 16:02 because I have limited resources and I don't know how 16:05 much you shop yet. 16:07 Do you know what I'm saying? 16:09 Don't tell Angela because she got the degree. 16:13 Because I have limited funds and those funds I'm responsible 16:17 for, you know, doing the best that I can with them and taking 16:21 care of the things that I need to take care of. 16:24 And I see that kind of the same way with ourselves. 16:28 We have limited resources and I can't do everything and be 16:33 everything and I have certain energy. 16:36 Do you know what I'm saying? 16:37 That's right. 16:37 And I'm human. 16:38 And so therefore I set boundaries to sleep enough 16:41 because if I don't, I'm not going to be able to give my 16:44 best to whatever it is that I have during the day if I'm 16:47 sickly or, you know, I'm going to set boundaries on myself for 16:51 these purposes so that I can really show up and be the best 16:55 person I can be, you know, on a daily basis. 16:58 So kind of like what you were saying, protecting but also 17:01 acknowledging I do have limited resources and therefore that's 17:05 why these boundaries are there. 17:06 I love that, Recy. 17:07 I think that's so important. 17:10 Knowing, acknowledging that we are not God, that we can't, 17:13 we're not super women. 17:15 You know, super human beings. 17:17 I mean, we're human beings. 17:19 And we have a kind of an energy bank that we're drawing from. 17:24 And if we're not careful, we'll overdraw. 17:27 So we set boundaries so that we don't overdraw from that energy 17:31 bank. 17:34 And when I set a boundary, it's not a personal thing. 17:37 Right. 17:40 with you on whatever it is. 17:42 I don't know, I should probably think of an example, but it's 17:44 just, no, this is defining, again, me. 17:48 This is my individuality and I'm retaining it while I'm 17:50 still interacting and wanting to give to you. 17:52 But up to this point, maybe a no further. 17:55 I've got a good example that just came to mind when you were 17:57 saying that. 17:59 There are times that, you know, I have to budget my time so 18:02 that I can get major projects done. 18:05 And there are some people who I'm ministering to, they call 18:09 and they want, they'll talk for an hour, hour and a half, you 18:12 can't get them off the phone. 18:13 So what I've done is there's a boundary. 18:16 When I'm doing work hours, I will text them. 18:21 But I can, the text is like a gate that I can let them in and 18:26 then I can shut the gate because it protects that time. 18:30 So I think that when we think of a boundary, it doesn't mean 18:33 that we're not letting someone in. 18:36 It means that we're gatekeepers. 18:39 We're letting them into a healthy space. 18:40 Yes. 18:41 Right? 18:41 Yes. 18:42 Yeah. 18:43 That's what it is, I think. 18:45 Boy, something you said that I wanted to jump off of in 18:48 relation to health. 18:50 I was thinking of, what was it that you just said? 18:55 That you have, I don't know. 19:01 Well, I love what you said earlier too, Risi, about, you 19:06 know, just the way our bodies are designed. 19:10 Isn't that? 19:11 It's phenomenal. 19:13 And when you bring it, you know, when you start thinking 19:15 about how God has designed these bodies, it makes you say, 19:20 it makes you scratch your head. 19:22 How can anybody think that we weren't designed? 19:25 How could anybody think that this is just random? 19:28 It's just amazing. 19:30 Yeah. 19:35 take care of this amazing gift that He gave us, which is our 19:38 lives and our health. 19:40 And that when we, because a lot of times I think we think of 19:42 boundaries imposing on other people, but I need boundaries 19:45 me, right? 19:46 Like I said, this is for myself. 19:48 I can't impose boundaries necessarily on other people. 19:51 They're for me. 19:52 And I see health as really intimately interacting with, do 19:57 I have healthy boundaries for myself? 19:59 That is the best place to start in order for me to see then 20:02 that manifested internally in terms of my physical health. 20:06 That's beautiful. 20:07 You've given me so much to think about. 20:08 I'm just thinking we could sit an hour and learn from that as 20:11 powerful research. 20:12 Let's switch and talk a little bit about ministry, Shelley, 20:15 boundaries and ministry and what does that look like? 20:17 You kind of reference that with that story with sending a text 20:20 instead of always talking on the phone. 20:22 It's interesting when I got this assignment, I was looking 20:25 at it and my topic is divided into three, avoid common 20:30 pitfalls, balance personal and ministry responsibilities and I 20:36 anchored to your calling and I'm thinking, let me start with 20:41 this is setting boundaries on ourself here. 20:44 We find in second Corinthians chapter 10 and verse five that 20:50 we are to take every thought captive and make it obedient to 20:55 Christ. 20:56 So let's talk about common pitfalls. 20:59 And when we talk about ministry, if you are a mother, 21:03 guess what? 21:04 You're in full-time ministry. 21:06 So we're not just talking that somebody that works for the 21:10 church or at an evangelistic type thing, ministry is 21:16 ministry. 21:17 Now here's the void, the common pitfalls, the most common 21:21 pitfall and you can ask anybody that comes to work at 3ABN, 21:24 first thing I tell them, I take them aside and I say, if I ever 21:29 see you develop an ounce of pride, I'm going to take you 21:32 off at the knees before God has to. 21:35 And I say that in absolute love. 21:39 You know, I'm just warning them because pride is, if you buy 21:45 into the hype that you're the best, somebody's telling you 21:50 how good you are, if you think that you're better than anyone 21:54 else, guess what? 21:55 You are not going to be able to stand in ministry. 22:00 And it's interesting when we look at, Jesus was speaking to 22:06 the synagogue leaders and in John 12 43, it said these 22:12 people were believing in him, but they weren't standing up 22:16 for him. 22:16 Why? 22:20 God. 22:22 And see, we can get like that ourselves where maybe we've not 22:27 been affirmed as a child. 22:29 Maybe we need that affirmation. 22:32 Somebody starts telling you something. 22:34 You can fall into the trap of loving praise of men more than 22:39 self. 22:40 Goes right along with this. 22:42 Don't be offended by criticism, what? 22:47 You know, the Lord told me once, the spirit of offense is 22:52 the spirit of pride. 22:54 Think about that for a minute. 22:56 You cannot be offended unless your pride has been wounded. 23:01 And in John 2 24 and 25 says that Jesus didn't entrust 23:06 himself to anyone because he knew what was in the heart of 23:10 men. 23:14 there something I can learn from this? 23:16 If not, then I think I'm not going to let that offend me 23:20 because that's my pride. 23:22 So I pray about it and give it to the Lord. 23:24 Also, don't compare yourself with others. 23:28 That fosters pride more than anything else. 23:32 If you start making a comparison, and it can go both 23:36 directions, I mean, you can start thinking less of 23:40 yourself. 23:40 And you know what? 23:41 That's a prideful thought too. 23:43 What do I mean? 23:45 You are not who you think you are, who anyone else says you 23:49 are. 23:49 You're who God says you are. 23:50 So you're being prideful if you start thinking very little of 23:56 yourself. 24:01 So those are three common pitfalls. 24:04 We want to give God the glory, of course. 24:08 I don't care if you're a wonderful cook, whatever you're 24:11 good at. 24:12 We want to always give God the glory because we can't take 24:16 credit for anything that we do that's good. 24:18 He's the one who has equipped us. 24:21 What do you have that wasn't given to you? 24:24 He not only provides us the talents and the spiritual 24:28 gifts, but even the opportunities. 24:31 Obviously, avoid the attitude of self-assurance because our 24:35 assurance should be in God. 24:37 We've got to take those thoughts captive. 24:41 We need to become like Jesus. 24:46 The Bible definition, if you look at pride, pride is 24:53 reliance on self. 24:55 In Philippians 2, it says, Let this mind be in you that was in 24:59 Christ Jesus, who humbled himself. 25:02 Humility is how you overcome pride. 25:05 Jesus was so humble. 25:06 He only did what the Father said, only spoke what the 25:09 Father said. 25:10 Now, I'm going to say this one. 25:12 Tell me how it hits you as a Christian. 25:14 Here's another common pitfall. 25:17 You can't be all things to all people. 25:21 And there are people who will suck the spiritual life right 25:26 out of you. 25:28 Molly Steenson used to call them spiritual leeches. 25:33 And there was a point to that. 25:36 I had a conference president came up and was talking with me 25:40 once. 25:46 supposed to be writing this book, but I'm doing this, and 25:49 all these people are calling. 25:50 And it was going, going, going. 25:52 And so he said to me, Oh, Shelley, I'll just bet, you 25:57 know, I was talking about who I was ministering to. 25:59 He says, Oh, you're making the devil so happy. 26:02 And I said, Pardon me. 26:03 He said, You're doing all those good things. 26:05 You're making the devil so happy. 26:07 And I said, Pardon me. 26:09 And he said, Satan's really quite happy when you busy 26:13 yourself with little menial things, and we think they're 26:17 good. 26:18 But he said, if he can keep you from doing the greatest thing 26:22 that God's called you to, that's what he's after. 26:26 And that's an interesting thought. 26:28 So I was thinking about this, you know, the Bible in Song of 26:32 Solomon, it talks about the little foxes that spoil the 26:35 vine. 26:40 calls during special time, because those little foxes can 26:44 spoil the vine in a hurry. 26:47 But, you know, somebody might be saying, Oh, that sounds 26:49 awful to say, like, you shouldn't be doing this. 26:52 You can't be all things to all people. 26:54 Jesus, in Mark 1, 37 through 38, they're looking for Jesus, 26:59 but he's keeping his mind on the big picture of his purpose. 27:04 And his disciples come to him and they say, Hey, everybody's 27:08 looking for you. 27:09 Let's go there. 27:10 Everybody's ready to listen to you to pray. 27:14 And Jesus said to them, this is Mark 1, 37, let's go to the 27:19 next towns. 27:20 Even though everybody there wanted him to stay and 27:24 minister, he says that I may preach there also, because for 27:27 this purpose I've come forth. 27:30 Now, another one is to avoid burnout. 27:34 Mm-hmm. 27:35 This is where you learn to say no. 27:39 You've got to set that boundary. 27:40 And I'll say this. 27:43 I thrive on short-term stress. 27:47 When I've got a deadline, I am motivated. 27:50 Short-term stress gets me going. 27:54 Long-term stress that never goes away, because I'm over 27:58 -committed. 28:03 project, long-term stress has just the opposite. 28:07 It can lead to burnout. 28:09 So you want to learn not to take on tasks that aren't 28:14 really, according to your calling, what God has asked you 28:18 to do. 28:19 And how do you know when you're burned out? 28:21 You can start feeling apathetic. 28:23 You can start feeling unmotivated, frustrated, empty. 28:30 You notice your health is something is different in your 28:34 health. 28:36 So we need to give ourselves permission to, you know, we 28:41 might feel like there's a lack of support. 28:43 We need to give ourselves permission to take a break. 28:46 I'm a workaholic. 28:47 My husband's a workaholic. 28:51 And that's something at this age you would think God would 28:55 have. 28:56 It's not God. 28:57 He's trying. 28:58 But I'm still learning. 29:01 I laughed about balancing personal and ministerial 29:05 responsibilities because it's still a struggle for me. 29:11 But here is something I told JD. 29:13 I said, I don't know what I'm going to say on this. 29:15 He said, honey, you're the most balanced person I know. 29:19 He said, I don't know anyone more balanced than you. 29:22 And I said, yeah, but not always as far as what I should 29:26 be doing for our personal time. 29:28 He says, I'm happy. 29:29 Okay, good. 29:33 But here in balancing professional duties with 29:39 ministerial duties, and remember mamas, if you're a 29:42 mama or a daddy, you're in a full-time ministry. 29:45 We're not just talking about people who are preachers. 29:48 Prioritize your relationship with the Lord first. 29:52 I mean, this is something that you've got to have that prayer 29:54 time. 29:55 You have to to survive. 29:57 You have to have that time in the word to get. 30:02 It's just like when you're praying, it opens up your lungs 30:06 and then you're getting fed by the word. 30:09 Take that Sabbath. 30:10 You know, the problem with being in ministry, church 30:12 ministry, sometimes Sabbaths aren't a day off for us quite 30:16 often. 30:17 That's true. 30:17 And so I tell people this. 30:21 I'm trying to live by what I say, but I tell pastors then 30:25 you need to take Sunday off. 30:27 You know, if you're ministering on the Sabbath, you're 30:30 observing the Sabbath, but you've got to put a boundary 30:33 around time off. 30:37 And then you've got to learn to budget your time among all 30:41 these other categories. 30:44 Jesus was, he said, Seek first the kingdom of God and all of 30:49 these will be added to you. 30:50 Well, I like what Paul says in Ephesians 5. 30:54 I'm going to read 15 and 16 from the Amplified. 30:58 Look carefully then how you walk, live purposefully and 31:03 worthily and accurately, not as unwise and witless, but as 31:09 wise, sensible, intelligent people, making the most of the 31:14 time, buying up each opportunity because the days 31:18 are evil. 31:20 So please, I'm going to speak to pastors right now. 31:24 Okay. 31:25 When you're in ministry, God's first, your family needs to 31:30 come second. 31:31 That's right. 31:32 Your family comes before your church because the Bible tells 31:36 us in 1 Timothy 3.5 that if you can't minister to the family, 31:42 if you can't manage the family and God has put you there, 31:47 you've got to learn how to maintain love in the home, 31:49 resolve conflicts. 31:51 You've got to build that unity and intimacy with and serve 31:56 your family members. 31:57 If you can't do that, then you can't serve the church. 32:00 So you've got God, the family, your ministry. 32:04 And the only way when we talk about budgeting time for my 32:09 life, it's never been practical to say, I'm going to do 30 32:13 minutes of this today, 45 minutes of this and this. 32:17 But I do try to protect it on a weekly basis. 32:20 There's certain things you try to do daily. 32:23 But I can't always say, I'm going to get this project done 32:26 in this much time. 32:29 Personal well-being. 32:32 That's one that I've got the most difficulty with is I will 32:36 ignore my health until it's, you know, I need to learn to do 32:41 better. 32:42 Know your limits. 32:44 I think of the story in Exodus chapter 18 where Jethro comes, 32:51 Moses is doing all of this stuff and Jethro's going, 32:55 you're crazy. 32:56 You know, you need to appoint able-bodied men. 32:59 You need to have people who can help you lead these people. 33:04 They'll just bring the difficult things to you. 33:07 So we've got to know our limitation and assess your 33:12 priorities regularly and be ready to actually change them. 33:19 Priorities don't always stay the same. 33:24 One thing that, when I've got a big project that, you'll laugh 33:28 at this, you know I've been in a lot of pain, but when I've 33:31 got a big project to do, I can only be up for about 15 minutes 33:36 at a time before I'm in pretty serious pain. 33:39 So I cook in 15 minute intervals, but I enjoy cooking. 33:42 I like my cooking and JD does as well. 33:46 But when I've got a big project to do, like a house project and 33:49 you're looking at that and thinking, that's an hour, what 33:53 I'll do is I'll set a timer and I'll go do it for 15 minutes 33:57 and I come rest my back. 33:59 I love this little block puzzle that I do. 34:03 So I give myself permission to do a block puzzle before I get 34:06 up again and do it in another 15 minutes. 34:09 You know, how do you eat an elephant? 34:11 One bite at a time, right? 34:14 So there's, but let me talk about staying anchored to your 34:19 calling. 34:19 We're all called to minister. 34:21 That's right. 34:25 is a season, a time to every purpose under heaven. 34:30 God does, when we are called, He will make everything 34:34 beautiful in its time. 34:36 Sometimes you've got to write the vision, make it plain, wait 34:40 for it, as Habakkuk says, we don't always, when I was 34:46 writing Spotless, God gave me the title for Spotless in 2017. 34:52 Now, Jill, you used to say to me the purpose for me, you call 34:57 me the Covenant Queen, but you used to say the purpose that 35:00 God brought you to 3ABN was to teach people how to speak His 35:04 Word, you know, exalting His Word, life affirmations from 35:07 Scripture. 35:08 Powerful. 35:13 your next book, you know, I've written several in between, but 35:16 your next book is going to be called Spotless on 35:18 Righteousness by Faith. 35:20 Now you might ask, why did you wait five or six years to write 35:24 it then? 35:31 stay anchored to Him. 35:33 The only way that I can tell you how to stay anchored to 35:37 your purpose is learn to listen for the still small voice of 35:43 the Lord. 35:44 It is so important. 35:45 We know that Christ is the anchor for our soul, our hope 35:51 in Him, but we need to be still before the Lord. 35:55 We know that we get into His Word. 35:58 We're running the race with endurance, looking to Jesus, 36:02 the author and finisher of our faith. 36:05 But the Word, one of God's calling on all of our life is 36:10 sanctification. 36:12 This is the will of God, your sanctification, Paul said. 36:16 But God, I believe, has special projects from time to time, and 36:20 usually He'll give you a passion for it, like somebody 36:22 will. 36:27 have a shop. 36:32 Consignment? 36:33 Thrift shop? 36:34 Well, the thrift shop. 36:35 The thrift shop that would support. 36:38 God gave her a passion. 36:40 That was her purpose. 36:41 But sometimes your purpose changes. 36:44 So learn to get to know God so well. 36:48 Jesus said, My sheep hear my voice. 36:50 They follow me. 36:52 That you need to learn to sit before the Lord and say, Lord, 36:56 speak to my heart. 36:57 And He never, my experience, I can only speak from my 37:01 experience. 37:02 He gives you a little bit at a time. 37:04 He doesn't tell you everything that's going to happen. 37:07 Maybe a sentence or two sentences. 37:09 But then He builds on that. 37:13 The more He puts something in your heart, it becomes a 37:16 passion. 37:17 Then He builds on it. 37:18 And you know you're headed in the right direction as He opens 37:21 all the doors. 37:22 So God is a boundary-making, boundary-keeping God. 37:26 He does it for our freedom, for our protection. 37:31 But we need to learn how to set boundaries around our own 37:36 behavior. 37:38 And we also need to prayerfully ask Him to keep us from being 37:42 boundary busters. 37:45 You know, if you realize you've done that, you need to go and 37:49 apologize. 37:51 Define that boundary buster. 37:54 A boundary buster is, let's say that I know Jill has a certain 37:59 boundary and I cross that boundary. 38:04 And she gets turned off by that because she's already 38:08 established that boundary. 38:10 We all do. 38:14 sometimes not meaning to. 38:17 But when you recognize that you have crossed somebody's 38:20 personal boundary, you need to go and apologize. 38:23 That's with the workplace too and what Jill's going to talk 38:26 about also. 38:28 Yeah, definitely. 38:30 Do you mind if I comment on something that you shared 38:33 earlier about the offense and not being offended, right? 38:37 And the pride link. 38:38 And I totally agree with that. 38:41 I just want to add something to that though and see what you 38:44 think. 38:45 I find that sometimes when we interact with each other, we 38:47 can say things that are inappropriate. 38:50 And there was a time where a family member or even myself, 38:54 I'll use myself as an example, people would always want to 38:58 comment on my weight. 38:59 Like first thing, especially family members, always talking 39:02 about my weight. 39:03 And, you know, how would you like it if someone always 39:06 commented on your weight when the first time you see it? 39:08 And I see this happening. 39:10 Oh, you've gained a little bit of weight, haven't you? 39:11 Oh, you're so skinny. 39:12 How come you're so skinny? 39:13 You're so skinny. 39:14 You know, these kinds of things that repeatedly being said, do 39:17 I have to? 39:18 It doesn't offend me, but after a while I'm like, you know 39:20 what? 39:22 And so I'm going to ask you if we can not talk about my weight 39:25 anymore type of thing, something like that. 39:28 And it's not an offense thing as much as it is a, I just 39:32 don't want to talk about that, especially if it's, you know, 39:35 if it's, if it is kind of hurtful, someone who maybe is 39:37 struggling with their weight. 39:38 I've been, I had someone at 3ABN who introduced me at a 39:44 meeting and made light, made joking about my height. 39:49 And it was over the top joking. 39:51 And I've been six feet tall since I was 13. 39:54 Well, I'm not really quite six feet, but so I've had a lot of 39:57 joking and it doesn't, it doesn't amaze me that first 40:02 thing somebody says, whoa, you're tall. 40:05 That doesn't bother me. 40:06 I don't get offended even when someone uses words that could 40:10 be offensive. 40:11 But when it's somebody who knows me and in a purse, and 40:15 boy, I'll tell you what, you know what happened? 40:17 This was a live event and I went behind, he'd introduced me 40:22 and then I had to come out and I'm back there trying to say, 40:25 okay, Lord, I know my pride was wounded because I'm so 40:27 offended. 40:29 And I got out there and I started on my sermon and I had 40:33 to stop. 40:34 And I said, there's just no anointing here. 40:36 And I told the people, I'm dealing with a personal issue 40:39 of pride. 40:40 I need to pray. 40:42 And I started, I mean, I was four or five minutes into the 40:46 sermon, but I just started over. 40:49 Because you can't minister when you're in that spirit. 40:54 I mean, you can, you can tell the words of the Lord, but 40:57 there's no anointing there. 40:59 So it's, what you said is, yes, I think it's personally that 41:04 you should go. 41:05 And I had to go and tell this person, do you realize you 41:09 always crack a joke about my height? 41:11 Do you say offensive things? 41:15 And they've quit. 41:16 Yeah, good. 41:18 And sometimes I think people don't recognize, they don't 41:20 recognize that they've crossed a boundary, or they don't 41:22 recognize that you're maybe sensitive about that topic. 41:26 I'm not saying you're over sensitive, Shelley, I didn't 41:28 mean it that way, but sometimes we don't recognize that, that 41:31 this is somebody's button and I'm beginning to push it. 41:34 And just to have open communication with each other, 41:39 like you told this person, you know, that's starting to get a 41:42 little bothersome. 41:43 And praise the Lord to be able to openly dialogue about that. 41:47 Yes. 41:47 I love that. 41:48 An opportunity to respect you. 41:50 Yes. 41:51 Oh, I didn't realize that. 41:52 I want to respect you. 41:53 I won't do that again. 41:54 Yeah, right. 41:55 That's so powerful. 41:56 I love that. 41:57 Thank you, Shelley. 41:58 That's powerful. 41:59 My topic is setting healthy boundaries between work and 42:03 faith. 42:04 And what does that look like? 42:06 I divided into two sections. 42:08 We're going to set healthy boundaries between work and 42:10 faith. 42:13 Then the second half is going to be, how do we integrate 42:16 Christian values into the workplace? 42:19 What does that look like? 42:22 Now, you know me, I could have a whole bunch of lists, but I 42:24 tried to keep it to two and two so we don't have too much here. 42:27 And then we want to make sure we have time to talk together 42:29 here at the end. 42:30 If we look at setting healthy boundaries between work and 42:33 faith, number one, observe when work creeps into your faith or 42:40 creeps over your faith or starts to take over your faith. 42:45 This is really building, Shelley, on what you had talked 42:47 about with that burnout. 42:50 Being all things to all people, I can definitely fall in the 42:55 category of overwork. 42:57 That's just my personality. 42:59 It's who I am. 43:00 I don't know. 43:00 It's just in my DNA. 43:02 If something needs to be done, I got to get it done. 43:05 It's just who I am as a person. 43:08 And recognizing that my work can creep over into my faith. 43:15 You can literally be too busy in ministry that you neglect 43:23 your own personal walk with God, your own personal time, 43:30 your own relationship with other people. 43:34 I love what you said, Reece, talking about Pastor James with 43:38 you were like, okay, I'm going to get rid of the cell phone or 43:40 get rid of the computer. 43:41 We're just going to stomp on it or throw it out. 43:43 Greg and I have established because work is never done. 43:49 It's always there. 43:51 Even when we go to bed at night, sometimes we'll be 43:53 talking work. 43:55 Greg's like, oh, we could try this. 43:57 What if we do this? 43:58 We could do this initiative. 44:00 And sometimes we'll be like, oh, let's just not talk work. 44:05 Let's just set work aside. 44:07 When we have supper, come home at night, we always put our 44:11 phones aside. 44:12 And if the cell phone rings, we don't answer it. 44:14 And if somebody texts, we don't look at it. 44:16 And it's him and I time, just us together, just to talk, just 44:21 to connect. 44:23 Sometimes we talk about work because we both live, eat, 44:25 breathe, and experience 3ABN. 44:27 But other times it's push that aside and let's just have us 44:30 time. 44:35 protect your time with God. 44:37 So number one, just observe when work starts to encroach 44:40 over onto your faith. 44:42 And number two, protect your time with God. 44:45 Protect your time with your spouse or with your children, 44:49 with other people. 44:50 Protect that. 44:51 I think about Mark 1. 44:53 Mark chapter 1, this is Jesus in the synagogue, just 44:56 launching into ministry. 44:58 He's in Capernaum there. 44:59 He stands up and the people are astonished at his doctrine. 45:02 Wow, nobody spoke as Jesus spoke. 45:04 And then he heals the demon possessed man. 45:07 And then ministry continues. 45:09 That night at Peter's house, the word of God says that the 45:13 whole city came together. 45:15 They wanted to be healed. 45:17 They wanted a piece of Jesus. 45:19 There was, I'm sure lame or blind or the Bible doesn't tell 45:22 us, but many people who wanted to be healed. 45:26 And so what does Jesus do? 45:27 If you look at Mark 1 verse 35, now in the morning, having 45:33 risen a long while before daylight. 45:35 So this is the night before he was ministering. 45:37 The night before everybody was there seeking healing. 45:40 And then the next morning, a great while before daylight, he 45:44 went out, departed to a solitary place and they're 45:47 praying. 45:50 The other piece for me that has been so instrumental in my own 45:56 experience here at 3ABN has been not just that morning 46:01 time, that early time with God, which is so important, but it's 46:05 bringing God back into my mind flow throughout the day. 46:11 Shelly, you reference that scripture in 2 Corinthians, 2 46:15 Corinthians 10, casting down arguments or imaginations and 46:18 every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of 46:21 God and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience 46:25 of Christ. 46:27 What does that really mean? 46:29 And I remember being at a moment in time, Greg and I 46:33 talking and me saying, but there's so much to do. 46:37 But I don't know how to get it all done. 46:39 But I'm feeling overwhelmed. 46:43 And then I thought we could implement strategies. 46:47 We could delegate as Jethro. 46:48 We could, there's so many things that you can do, which 46:51 is all good things to implement. 46:53 But when I thought about the life of Christ, was he pressed? 46:57 Did he have serious decisions to deal with? 46:59 Did he have people clamoring at all moments for him? 47:04 And how did he handle it? 47:07 And that's when that concept came. 47:10 Bring Jesus back to my mind. 47:14 Walk with Jesus throughout the day. 47:17 You see, it's not just in the morning you have your time and 47:21 then you go to work, whatever work is for you and you push 47:24 faith aside. 47:25 No, you bring faith with you. 47:28 You bring Jesus with you. 47:31 I mean, every moment, every minute or every few minutes, 47:36 God, what do you want me to do here? 47:38 God, how do I answer this person? 47:40 God, I'm feeling pressed right now. 47:41 Give me your peace. 47:43 God, open up whatever. 47:44 And as I walked that journey, I experienced more freedom, more 47:53 peace, more deliverance. 47:56 It was simply Jesus walking with me. 47:59 Practicing his presence. 48:01 Yes, nothing else changed, but I changed inside. 48:06 And to see that. 48:08 Now, do I practice it all the time? 48:09 Absolutely not. 48:10 But on the days when I experience it more, it's 48:14 incredible. 48:15 Now, let me just jump to the second part. 48:17 How do we integrate Christian values into the workplace? 48:20 I would say, number one, love your faith. 48:23 Number two, live your faith. 48:25 What do I mean by love your faith? 48:27 You can't integrate into the workplace what you don't know. 48:30 You can't share the Sabbath if you don't know the Sabbath. 48:32 You can't share how to accept Jesus and to be saved if you 48:37 don't know, if you have not experienced that yourself. 48:41 You can't practice what you don't love. 48:44 We need to love and experience Jesus. 48:47 And then we can live our faith. 48:51 Then we can share our faith with others. 48:54 And when we talk about living your faith, to me, it is just a 48:57 couple things. 48:58 I'll run through them real quick. 49:00 Live with integrity in the workplace. 49:03 Be honest. 49:05 Always tell the truth, regardless of if you're laughed 49:09 at, or if you're fired over telling the truth, or if you 49:12 might lose a friend or a relationship. 49:16 Be honest. 49:17 Now, we need kindness with how we tell the truth. 49:19 I'm not saying to be unkind, but tell the truth. 49:22 Be trustworthy. 49:24 Be reliable in what you say. 49:26 Be true to your word. 49:27 This is really living the gospel. 49:29 It's living Christianity. 49:31 Be loyal. 49:33 Don't cheat or lie. 49:35 Don't complain. 49:36 Be ethical. 49:38 Do the right thing, regardless of the consequences. 49:41 Avoid even the appearance of deception or fraud or 49:48 immorality. 49:49 Take the high road. 49:51 Be encouraging of your coworkers. 49:56 Be excellent. 49:57 Do excellent work. 49:59 All of that is just, to me, Christian principles. 50:01 That as we inculcate and as we live them, it's living the 50:08 Christian life. 50:09 And it's living out what we believe in the workplace. 50:13 So, we're coming down to the end of this hour, these two 50:17 hours, talking about boundaries. 50:22 Let's shift just a moment and talk about those people maybe 50:28 who are struggling with implementing boundaries. 50:32 Maybe they feel, I'm not going to be a nice person. 50:36 People aren't going to like me if I implement them. 50:39 Or it's hard for me to stand up for myself. 50:43 It's hard for me to implement that. 50:46 What would you say to them? 50:48 It certainly was hard for me. 50:51 I grew up in a very dysfunctional environment and I 50:53 learned to be the peacemaker. 50:56 And I have always been a people pleaser, even with God, before 51:01 I knew the whole truth. 51:03 You know, it's very performance based. 51:07 But I think that what I've learned is it's good to learn a 51:11 few little phrases. 51:12 God is a boundary keeping God. 51:17 And what I have learned, just if you learn little things like 51:21 you could say to somebody that's doing something, your 51:25 behavior is unacceptable. 51:28 I'm surprised at how fast people respond to that word 51:31 when you say your behavior is unacceptable. 51:34 You know, there's certain things we set ourselves up for 51:39 because we don't communicate our emotional needs. 51:45 But it's also that you can, when you're talking about this, 51:49 I'm thinking real quick, I'll tell you a story. 51:51 I worked in Houston in a company that was a high tech 51:55 company and the IT director was at work. 52:02 Everybody at work was scared to death of him. 52:04 This man spoke so crudely, he cursed all the time, used God's 52:09 name in vain, and he just didn't like anybody. 52:12 So I had to go work with him one day. 52:15 And I just told him, I said, you know, could you do me a 52:18 favor? 52:18 I'm a Christian. 52:19 And I said, it just crushes my soul when you use the Lord's 52:24 name in vain, or when you use these particular words, and you 52:28 know, something that was funny, he respected me. 52:33 He never talked that way around me anymore. 52:36 He got along better with me than with anyone else there. 52:39 So some people need, you're actually ministering to others 52:45 when you set boundaries and you need to teach your children how 52:49 to set boundaries so that they can be healthy. 52:52 Life's good. 52:54 And you're giving people permission to set their own 52:56 boundaries for themselves. 52:57 I was just going to say that I think that it's really 52:59 important that each person have a God-given self-respect and 53:06 self -worth in their individuality. 53:08 And that that's what defines why we have the boundaries that 53:11 we do is that under God, I'm responsible to him. 53:13 And like you said, he comes first. 53:15 And so my God-given individuality is to be 53:18 maintained at all times under his authority and the 53:22 boundaries that I do set up are for that purpose of keeping him 53:26 first in my life and his will for my life thriving and that 53:30 sort of thing. 53:34 yourself, kind of like that backbone that we were talking 53:37 about earlier that we don't meld ourself or melt into 53:40 someone else. 53:41 And therefore your worth, your respect is key to, you know, 53:47 your self-respect is key to experiencing the ability, I 53:51 guess, to establish healthy boundaries for yourself. 53:54 I love that. 53:55 Do you have any thoughts on it? 53:56 No, I'm sorry. 53:57 No, okay. 53:58 I was just like all into what Rishi was saying. 54:01 Sorry. 54:02 Say right there what happened. 54:04 She set a boundary. 54:05 I love that. 54:07 This is good. 54:08 That's fabulous. 54:10 Since you have any thoughts on it. 54:12 Well, setting boundaries really means being a good steward, 54:16 really. 54:21 time, whether it's our influence, whatever it is, 54:24 we're managing that again to bring God glory. 54:28 But I love what you've been saying, Jill, about the whole 54:33 idea of bringing God into the workplace. 54:36 And when you're in ministry, so many times you've spent so much 54:40 time talking about the Lord and talking about ministry aspects 54:47 and all that, that you let that substitute for the time that 54:52 you spend with him just one-on -one. 54:55 And I think it's really important, Shelly, as you were 54:58 bringing out, that we have to make sure that we make God 55:02 first and that we don't forget to talk to him and to spend 55:08 that one-on-one time. 55:10 It's like your date time with him, right? 55:12 It's your date time with him. 55:14 We need to have that special time. 55:16 So I think what you said was really, really good, Jill. 55:19 And I think we need to really think more about how we bring 55:22 God into the workplace. 55:25 Yeah, and understanding that those boundaries, I think 55:28 sometimes the reason why people feel intimidated to set 55:31 boundaries is because we see them as so rigid and it's a 55:34 negative thing, but they're really not. 55:36 To picture again that flexibility, that fluidity, 55:39 that ability to actually establish healthier interaction 55:43 and relationship, that's why you're setting them, to keep 55:46 that in mind. 55:49 healthy way, that makes a difference. 55:51 And it's not rigid. 55:52 That's right. 55:53 We're going to go out with prayer here tonight, but I just 55:55 want to say, I love each one of you. 55:57 What a gift to serve in the ministry with you. 56:00 Thank you for your authenticity and transparency, your heart 56:03 for God and the Word. 56:05 Know at home, we love you too. 56:07 You are part of the 3ABN family and you are welcome at any time 56:12 to reach out to us. 56:13 You can give us a call or send us an email. 56:16 We want to connect with you. 56:17 We want to pray for you. 56:19 We want to see God work to restore our relationships and 56:22 lives and establish those boundaries. 56:25 So we're going to go out with prayer. 56:27 So know we love you and we will see you next time. 56:29 Angela, would you pray for us? 56:31 And we'll just close with prayer here. 56:32 Thank you. 56:37 and we ask you to please guide us and lead us in our everyday 56:40 lives, Lord, at work and at home, Lord. 56:44 We just ask you to give us the strength and the wisdom to set 56:47 those boundaries that you want us to set in our life in a 56:50 godly way, Lord. 56:51 And please lead us to you, Lord. 56:54 And thank you for everyone that watched today, Lord. 56:57 May you touch their lives and the mothers, Lord. 57:00 Please be with the mothers. 57:01 They're so special. 57:02 And thank you for all you do for us. 57:04 And thank you for 3ABN and how your hands always on it and 57:08 continue to bless us and be with us because this is your 57:10 ministry in Christ's name. 57:12 Amen. |
Revised 2024-05-08