I want to spend my
life mending broken people.
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I want to spend my life.
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I want to spend my life.
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Mending broken.
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I want to spend my life.
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Hello, family.
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I'm Jill Morikone, and we just
welcome you to another Thursday
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Night Live.
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Now, you might notice we're not
sitting around the island, how
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we sit there for our regular
Thursday Night Live, and we
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have an amazingly beautiful
set, and some of my favorite
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sisters in the world are here
tonight to share with you all
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about women's topics, because
Mother's Day is getting ready
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to come up this weekend.
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We just wanted to focus
on the needs, the issues, the
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responsibility, and the
biblical underpinning of women.
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Now, we're not really
talking about women from that
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perspective, we're
talking about boundaries.
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Now, I just want to say up
front, I'm not sure this topic
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is for me, because boundaries
are not so easy to do, so I
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think, I was telling Greg
about it, I said to him, I think
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instead of perfection, we're
going to have authenticity.
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So tonight is going to be
authentic, as we just talk
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about harmonizing work and
life, what that looks like in
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relationships, in ministry, in
family, with our health and in
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so many other
aspects of our lives.
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So we have our
family here tonight.
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To my left, my sister and
mom, and everything together,
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Dr. Yvonne.
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So glad you're here.
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Oh, I'm so happy to be here.
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I'm so looking forward to
just talking with my sisters and
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sharing.
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It's really great.
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Amen.
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What's your specific topic
you're talking about tonight?
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Interpersonal relationships,
conflict resolution, and
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forgiveness.
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Wow.
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Heavy duty.
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Heavy, but it's needed, because
no person is an island, so we
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all interrelate with other
people, so this is going to be
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powerful.
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So glad you're here.
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It is so good to be here.
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I'm just excited to hear
what each person brings to the
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table.
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men are going to find my topic,
we'll be talking about avoiding
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the common pitfalls.
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Mine is ministry and
personal relationship.
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And so we'll talk about
avoiding common pitfalls and
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something else.
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That's perfect.
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You know what I like about
that, is we're authentic and
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we're real.
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to go with that?
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So thank you, Shelley.
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I feel much better.
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I'm the first
one to throw it out.
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Coming around our circle
of women here, we have Angela
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Vandervalk, and we're so
delighted to have you here
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tonight too.
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I'm so happy to be here.
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Thank you for having me.
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Tell us what
you're talking about.
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I am talking about family,
which is such an important
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topic.
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about.
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I'm excited.
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Amen.
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Recy Rafferty, and we're
so glad you're here tonight as
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well.
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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That's what people hand over to
me, but we'll probably be, you
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know, addressing it
from different perspectives.
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There's so much.
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have a couple, you know,
sessions just for that one
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topic, and I feel the same
way in this arena, but yeah, I'm
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looking forward to the
discussion, too, just like you
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said, Shelley.
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health.
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Would you like that?
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Sure.
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Yay!
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I'm not complaining, though.
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I probably will.
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I mean, you know, with whatever
we're discussing, I'm sure,
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yeah.
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Amen.
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That's wonderful.
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My topic tonight is on
workplace, and so how to
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integrate faith into
the workplace and boundaries
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between your own walk with God
and your work life, so this is
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kind of important for me.
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This is a good one for
me, so I'm so grateful.
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Before we go any further, we
just want to go to the Lord in
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prayer.
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we share here tonight.
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We want what we share
to be solidly biblical.
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That's so important.
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But also, that the Holy
Spirit's anointing would be
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over it, and whatever you
need to hear tonight, you would
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hear.
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Maybe you're dealing with
family relationships or health
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challenges or dealing
with ministry or struggling to
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forgive someone.
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So whatever situation you
find yourself in tonight, this
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program is for you, and we
just want to invite God into the
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midst of it, and Reese,
would you pray for us here?
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Sure.
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discuss and share what you've
put in our hearts or thoughts
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from our perspective,
we're just so grateful that you
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designed for us to have
boundaries, that you create us
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unique and individual, and
we pray that as we contemplate
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this topic, that you would
be honored, that your truth and
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reality would be communicated,
and that your Spirit, Father,
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would touch each one
who's listening tonight.
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Amen.
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We ask in Jesus' name.
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Amen.
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Amen.
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Before we go any further, let's
just talk about boundaries.
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So if we're looking at how do
we harmonize work and life and
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that whole boundary
concept, what is a boundary?
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Basically, it defines a
protected place, and when a
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boundary is set, then there
is an expectation of behavior.
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So if you see, do not trespass,
no trespassing, the expectation
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is that you won't go on.
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If you see no swimming, then
the expectation is you're not
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going to swim there.
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Boundaries.
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Okay.
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I like that.
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What do they look like?
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Yeah, I think boundaries
have a lot to do with our
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individuality.
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doing, I shouldn't say all
he was doing, but one of the key
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things he was doing was
establishing boundaries.
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He was dividing one thing from
another and saying, your day,
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your night, your land, your
sea, your firmament, and there
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is a boundary
between you two, right?
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And that is what causes
each one of us to be unique.
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I'm just not a bunch of mush
on the ground because I have
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boundaries, right?
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And so it's what
establishes our uniqueness, our
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individuality.
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What I like about that, I
believe with all my heart that
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God is a boundary-setting God.
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And when we look at the Ten
Commandments, his law of love,
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this is boundaries
around his government.
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It's how he expects us to
relate to him as our sovereign
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creator, but it's also his
expectations, boundaries, of
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how we relate, respect,
and treat other people with the
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love, the actions
that love demands.
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I love that, because boundaries
are not just, you mentioned,
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like, no
trespassing or no swimming.
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Those are physical boundaries,
but boundaries are emotional,
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interpersonal as well.
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I love that.
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You were going to say?
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we're talking about this today
because it's a subject that I
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think we as women
tend to have an issue with.
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I think we often tend to be
people pleasers, and we want to
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make others happy, which is
great, to make others happy,
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but not at the expense of
setting parameters, setting
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certain limits that can keep
us emotionally, physically, and
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spiritually healthy.
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I was talking to someone the
other day, and she just needed
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to vent.
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with her, and she'd been living
by herself, and now this child
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is just like, when she comes
home there are dishes in the
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sink, clothes all over the
place, everything is a mess.
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And I said to her, have you
said something to your child?
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Have you talked to
the child about it?
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The child is an adult, but I'm
not saying whether it's male or
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female.
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So she said, no,
but I know I should.
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And so I went into my
boundaries conversation, and I
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was saying, if you don't
set that boundary, then she's...
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I just said what it was.
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I just shared the gender.
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Okay, so if you don't tell
her what to do, she's going to
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think she has a maid.
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You're her maid, and you're
going to be angry, and it's
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just going to build.
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And that's what happens
when you don't set boundaries.
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I think I'm going beyond
your question, but I just think
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that, yes, you do it because
you love them, and also because
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you want to be healthy,
because it's very unhealthy.
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The Bible says for us
to be angry and sin not.
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So there's a way to express our
concern about something that's
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happening without sinning,
but it needs to be expressed.
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And I think just from an
emotional health place, it's
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really
important to express that.
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Absolutely.
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we don't verbalize them,
then it's almost childish.
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Let's say you do something
that offends me or you cross a
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boundary that I have, but I
haven't communicated to you or
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you don't know that you've...
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And I sulk or I
pout or I'm upset.
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Like a child would be,
you know, and a child can't
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verbalize that you've crossed
a boundary or you've hurt me or
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you've taken something from me
that I didn't want you to take
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and that kind of thing,
and they don't know how to
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communicate, hey, this is how
you doing that affects me, and
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therefore, you know, I'm going
to communicate that to you.
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And so important.
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I just think it's a sign
of a mature relationship.
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It's essential to maintaining
healthy emotional relationships
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with someone because it
happened to me a couple of
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months ago.
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My husband said something, and
I'm sitting there thinking, and
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you know what?
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that to him?
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He's not a mind reader.
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Exactly.
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fault.
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It's our responsibility.
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Yeah, it's our responsibility.
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Boundaries are more for us
as well as the other person.
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I think when we think of
boundaries, it's always like
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I'm imposing a boundary on
you or someone else, but I can't
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control your actions.
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I can't control
anyone else's actions.
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So really, the
boundary is my own.
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It's self-respect.
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I don't know what other
synonyms we could use for self
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-respect, but it's really
honoring my own individuality.
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And there's
nothing wrong with that.
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In fact, I think it's unhealthy
not to do so because again,
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when situations pile up, when
things pile up on you and you
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don't communicate that
with someone and you don't say,
00:12:22.40\00:12:25.61
well, and we'll get into
this when we talk about conflict
00:12:26.74\00:12:30.45
resolution and all that, but if
you don't say, you offended me
00:12:30.45\00:12:35.32
or you hurt my feelings,
the person doesn't know.
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JD didn't know.
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That's right.
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Right?
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and do it in a way that is
ordained by God, but it's okay.
00:12:47.23\00:12:52.17
I think a lot of times we have
trouble thinking that it's okay
00:12:52.50\00:12:57.01
to stand up for ourselves.
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I think that's, to me, one
of the biggest things because I
00:12:58.84\00:13:01.94
know in my own experience, I
always felt like those stronger
00:13:01.94\00:13:05.08
emotions were
somehow ungodly for a woman.
00:13:05.08\00:13:07.45
I don't know how to express
it except by saying that.
00:13:07.65\00:13:10.49
So to me, women were
supposed to always be loving.
00:13:10.99\00:13:13.46
Women were
supposed to always be happy.
00:13:13.82\00:13:16.09
Women were never supposed
to have their feelings hurt.
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We're supposed to
always be the perfect help me.
00:13:19.93\00:13:22.43
I remember Greg and my first
year of marriage, something
00:13:22.70\00:13:26.87
would bother me and I would
feel like, oh, that's ungodly.
00:13:26.87\00:13:29.34
You know, I
shouldn't feel that way.
00:13:30.01\00:13:31.61
I shouldn't be bothered
by something Greg said or I'm
00:13:31.61\00:13:34.54
being a bad wife or a
bad Christian or a bad woman.
00:13:34.54\00:13:37.85
And so I would stuff like
put on the happy face, act like
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everything's fine.
00:13:41.82\00:13:43.02
And then something else would
bother me and I would stuff and
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something else would bother me.
00:13:46.39\00:13:47.62
And then a few months down the
road, I'd have a little crying
00:13:47.62\00:13:50.43
session and he'd say,
what in the world is wrong?
00:13:50.43\00:13:52.63
I had no idea.
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Why don't you tell me?
00:13:54.46\00:13:55.96
And I'd say, oh, but it seemed
wrong to say I was bothered,
00:13:55.96\00:13:59.77
but it's not wrong.
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To establish boundaries.
00:14:01.60\00:14:03.07
It's not wrong
to express emotion.
00:14:03.64\00:14:06.54
And even some of those stronger
emotions are not a bad thing to
00:14:06.88\00:14:10.88
express.
00:14:10.88\00:14:13.82
I came up with four
categories of boundaries.
00:14:14.28\00:14:17.25
Y'all add if you
can think of this.
00:14:17.39\00:14:18.92
There's material boundaries.
00:14:19.35\00:14:21.12
We lock our doors.
00:14:21.12\00:14:21.16
We've got fences
around our property often.
00:14:22.49\00:14:25.29
There are physical boundaries
where you are defining your
00:14:26.26\00:14:29.50
personal space and
what's appropriate.
00:14:29.50\00:14:31.70
Like there's somebody that used
to hug me extremely tight and I
00:14:32.20\00:14:37.54
just had to say, no, you know,
you can do a sideways hug, but
00:14:37.54\00:14:41.81
you're not my husband.
00:14:41.81\00:14:42.74
You don't get to
hug me like that.
00:14:42.84\00:14:44.48
But, you know, you have
to define and you teach your
00:14:45.05\00:14:48.38
children that there are
emotional boundaries that we're
00:14:48.38\00:14:51.79
saying that we
should communicate.
00:14:51.79\00:14:53.49
And there's
financial boundaries.
00:14:53.96\00:14:55.39
I mean, we budget, but I think
God would have us be wise in
00:14:55.79\00:15:01.40
all ways.
00:15:01.40\00:15:03.00
My two cents.
00:15:05.17\00:15:05.93
I love that.
00:15:06.17\00:15:06.80
That's great.
00:15:06.80\00:15:09.74
moment, but let's
go to a song right now.
00:15:09.74\00:15:11.31
We have tonight is ladies night.
00:15:11.47\00:15:13.88
Of course, ladies on the set.
00:15:13.94\00:15:15.04
We have ladies in the control
room running the cameras here
00:15:15.21\00:15:18.58
too.
00:15:18.58\00:15:22.25
be bringing the music.
00:15:22.25\00:15:23.02
This is Lady Love Smith.
00:15:23.12\00:15:24.35
The song she'll be ministering
is God gave the song.
00:15:24.72\00:15:27.99
You asked me why my
heart keeps singing.
00:15:40.80\00:15:49.18
How can I see when things
go wrong for since I found the
00:15:50.78\00:16:05.06
source of music.
00:16:05.06\00:16:08.10
I just can't help it.
00:16:08.53\00:16:12.37
Because God gave the song.
00:16:13.70\00:16:16.97
Come walk with me
through fields and forests.
00:16:19.04\00:16:27.32
We'll climb those hills
and still hear that song.
00:16:27.98\00:16:36.59
For news resound with music.
00:16:36.59\00:16:45.50
For they just can't help it.
00:16:45.90\00:16:49.07
Because God gave the song.
00:16:50.34\00:16:55.81
And I sing because I'm happy.
00:16:56.18\00:17:03.15
And I sing because I
found the source of music.
00:17:03.89\00:17:17.13
And I just can't help it.
00:17:18.23\00:17:21.64
Because God gave the song.
00:17:22.87\00:17:26.17
For since I found
the source of music.
00:17:26.17\00:17:35.52
I just can't help it.
00:17:36.89\00:17:40.06
Because God gave the song.
00:17:41.36\00:17:47.00
God gave the song.
00:17:48.96\00:17:53.67
Welcome back.
00:18:04.81\00:18:05.88
We're talking about boundaries,
harmonizing work and life.
00:18:06.11\00:18:10.05
Tonight, if you're just joining
us, we have the sisters here
00:18:10.45\00:18:13.46
tonight leading up for our
special Mother's Day weekend
00:18:13.46\00:18:17.33
here.
00:18:17.33\00:18:22.63
Recy Rafferty.
00:18:22.63\00:18:25.53
time right now as we sit down
and just talk about what that
00:18:25.53\00:18:28.17
looks like in life and faith
and marriage with children,
00:18:28.17\00:18:31.47
with co-workers and how
we're supposed to do that and
00:18:31.47\00:18:34.51
establish that.
00:18:34.51\00:18:35.44
And if you're a woman,
this program's for you.
00:18:35.54\00:18:37.08
If you're a man, this program
could help you understand
00:18:37.38\00:18:40.18
either the woman in your life
or how to establish men need
00:18:40.18\00:18:44.22
boundaries too.
00:18:44.22\00:18:48.42
well.
00:18:48.42\00:18:51.86
So Angela, let's come to
you right now and talk to us.
00:18:52.46\00:18:54.93
You're talking about family.
00:18:54.93\00:18:56.60
So talk to us about that.
00:18:56.80\00:18:57.77
Okay, Jill.
00:18:57.77\00:18:58.63
So mine's on family and
it's boundaries and unity in the
00:18:58.97\00:19:03.61
home, which I
feel is so important.
00:19:03.61\00:19:05.57
So I want to
talk about boundaries.
00:19:06.17\00:19:08.61
But first, when I cover
boundaries in a home, I want to
00:19:08.71\00:19:13.88
go over different boundaries
because there's homes that are
00:19:13.88\00:19:19.42
with unequally yoked spouses.
00:19:19.42\00:19:21.32
They're single mothers.
00:19:21.86\00:19:23.22
So it's like, where do I
put these boundaries in place?
00:19:23.79\00:19:27.13
So every home is different.
00:19:27.13\00:19:29.13
And the first thing I suggest
and think you should do is pray
00:19:29.13\00:19:33.00
for God to come together and
ask God to lead and guide you
00:19:33.00\00:19:36.77
on these proper biblical
boundaries that he wants for
00:19:36.77\00:19:40.11
your house and what is
going on in your house.
00:19:40.11\00:19:42.74
So I also want to talk about
boundaries with being with an
00:19:44.11\00:19:51.15
unequally yoked husband
and then being with a godly
00:19:51.15\00:19:55.16
husband.
00:19:55.16\00:20:00.66
Christian.
00:20:00.66\00:20:01.10
And for about 11 of those,
I had to go through him being
00:20:01.93\00:20:07.67
unequally yoked.
00:20:07.67\00:20:08.84
And when I first came back to
the church, I told him I put a
00:20:08.94\00:20:14.14
boundary down.
00:20:14.14\00:20:14.81
I said, God
comes first in my life.
00:20:15.01\00:20:16.64
And I said, for me and my
children, we will go to church
00:20:16.91\00:20:20.48
and we're going to serve God.
00:20:20.48\00:20:21.55
Was it hard to
set that boundary?
00:20:21.55\00:20:22.88
You know, I was worried about
it because I didn't know what
00:20:24.92\00:20:28.12
he would say.
00:20:28.12\00:20:28.76
But God just gave me this
piece that I needed to set it.
00:20:29.76\00:20:34.00
And I remember I was sitting
outside my aunt's house and we
00:20:34.03\00:20:37.63
were dating.
00:20:37.63\00:20:38.47
And I'm like, I'm coming back
to the Lord and God comes first
00:20:38.87\00:20:42.20
in my life.
00:20:42.20\00:20:42.84
And he would always come first.
00:20:42.90\00:20:44.21
And you would always be second.
00:20:44.27\00:20:45.47
So right there, he's just like,
you know, he was in shock, but
00:20:45.81\00:20:50.01
he respected me.
00:20:50.01\00:20:51.25
And so I took my kids to
church, and I set a boundary on
00:20:51.65\00:20:56.79
Sabbath that I'm not going to
come home and watch TV anymore.
00:20:56.79\00:21:01.59
And so when I came home, he
would be watching sports and
00:21:02.09\00:21:06.90
stuff.
00:21:06.90\00:21:09.96
I just, you know, continued
to just shelter my children.
00:21:10.27\00:21:14.97
So my daughter
was in Pathfinders.
00:21:15.14\00:21:17.21
And my son, I would just
take him outside or whatever the
00:21:17.21\00:21:19.74
case might be.
00:21:19.74\00:21:20.41
So I set that boundary.
00:21:20.41\00:21:21.68
I set boundaries on
what we ate, so food.
00:21:21.88\00:21:25.08
He grew up Catholic,
so he ate pork a lot.
00:21:25.91\00:21:28.88
So I set the boundaries of
my children or not for I'm going
00:21:29.35\00:21:32.82
to eat pork, which I never did
because I was raised in Venice,
00:21:32.82\00:21:35.66
but left of faith.
00:21:35.72\00:21:36.62
So at that time, I want to say
I was more of the, I respected
00:21:37.53\00:21:44.23
my husband, but I
was the spiritual leader.
00:21:44.23\00:21:46.63
Is that safe to say in my house?
00:21:46.87\00:21:48.70
That makes sense.
00:21:48.70\00:21:49.14
Yeah.
00:21:49.14\00:21:49.37
Where was he?
00:21:51.11\00:21:52.54
I know he was raised Catholic,
but was he a believer at all at
00:21:53.61\00:21:58.55
this point?
00:21:58.55\00:21:58.81
Oh, no.
00:21:58.81\00:21:59.68
No, no, not at all.
00:22:00.98\00:22:02.45
He was drinking and smoking,
and he wasn't a believer.
00:22:02.48\00:22:06.55
And then every time he would
try to come to church with me
00:22:06.86\00:22:10.09
and stuff.
00:22:10.09\00:22:10.99
But every time if I had Pastor
Doug Batchelor, he's like, he's
00:22:11.33\00:22:16.36
always talking about Catholics.
00:22:16.36\00:22:17.57
But so he was just, but
he criticized everything.
00:22:18.53\00:22:22.30
And now he loves Pastor Doug
Batchelor now, but it's just
00:22:22.40\00:22:26.44
amazing how God
can change a person.
00:22:26.44\00:22:28.58
Yeah.
00:22:28.98\00:22:35.35
that's unequally
yoked, pray for them.
00:22:35.35\00:22:37.99
I prayed for my
husband for 11 years.
00:22:38.09\00:22:39.75
So that's my
advice to pray for them.
00:22:39.75\00:22:39.79
Set those boundaries.
00:22:42.02\00:22:42.99
Don't ever leave the church.
00:22:43.36\00:22:44.69
My thing is, if I would have
went towards, you know, he's
00:22:44.69\00:22:49.20
always like, stay home with me,
you know, because he worked so
00:22:49.20\00:22:51.93
much.
00:22:51.93\00:22:53.87
But I always went to church.
00:22:53.97\00:22:55.10
And if I would have stopped
going to church or would have
00:22:55.54\00:22:58.81
gave in to him wanting me to
spend more time, you know, not
00:22:58.81\00:23:03.65
doing the godly things God
wanted me to do, and I would
00:23:03.65\00:23:07.82
have stopped going to
church, where would he be now?
00:23:07.82\00:23:10.02
I always think of people that,
you know, they're like, I don't
00:23:10.25\00:23:14.26
want to upset my husband or,
you know, set those boundaries.
00:23:14.26\00:23:19.69
Let them know that this
is what, you know, God comes
00:23:19.69\00:23:22.96
first.
00:23:22.96\00:23:27.64
know, God just
works everything out.
00:23:27.64\00:23:29.24
He really does.
00:23:29.27\00:23:30.47
And I know you may go through
trials and stuff, but just keep
00:23:30.51\00:23:34.34
praying for your
spouse, whoever it is.
00:23:34.34\00:23:36.71
So basically, your boundaries
were protecting your time with
00:23:36.75\00:23:39.88
the Lord.
00:23:39.88\00:23:40.25
Yes.
00:23:40.35\00:23:40.62
Children's time.
00:23:40.78\00:23:41.35
Yes.
00:23:41.38\00:23:41.62
Protecting the
children's health.
00:23:43.12\00:23:45.19
What boundaries did you find in
the family that you had to set
00:23:45.72\00:23:49.99
on yourself?
00:23:49.99\00:23:50.76
On myself.
00:23:51.19\00:23:51.76
Oh, that is a good one.
00:23:52.06\00:23:53.46
Let me see.
00:23:53.83\00:23:54.63
On myself.
00:23:56.23\00:23:56.97
Shopping.
00:23:57.30\00:23:57.87
Oh, shopping.
00:23:58.27\00:23:58.97
Yes.
00:23:59.33\00:23:59.53
Yes.
00:24:04.34\00:24:04.91
So as, you know, I'm going
through this marital problem
00:24:05.84\00:24:09.01
and I'm leaving it in God's
hands, but what I would do to
00:24:09.01\00:24:13.58
make myself feel better,
and this was my down, you know.
00:24:13.58\00:24:17.12
Shopping became my therapy,
and I used to take my daughter,
00:24:17.35\00:24:21.96
Pammy, and my son Liam, and
we used to go to Target or go to
00:24:22.26\00:24:27.10
the military exchange and
just buy clothes and get their
00:24:27.10\00:24:31.93
little treats,
whatever they want.
00:24:31.93\00:24:33.10
And every time I went through
something, that was my escape,
00:24:33.77\00:24:36.60
which isn't right.
00:24:36.64\00:24:38.51
I know that now, but at
the time, that was my therapy.
00:24:39.01\00:24:43.04
And you put a boundary on that.
00:24:44.55\00:24:46.28
I did, for six months.
00:24:46.28\00:24:48.12
I did, because as my husband,
you know, I pit a boundary.
00:24:48.58\00:24:52.72
Actually, I pit a boundary.
00:24:52.95\00:24:55.26
It went on for a while, but
then I pit a boundary when my
00:24:55.76\00:25:00.80
husband became Christian, and
then I didn't need it anymore.
00:25:00.80\00:25:04.40
He was my, like, I felt more,
I just didn't need it anymore.
00:25:04.40\00:25:09.67
And then I was like, why
am I buying these clothes?
00:25:09.84\00:25:11.91
Like, for what?
00:25:11.97\00:25:12.81
And then I was
like, I need to do some.
00:25:13.44\00:25:15.14
So I prayed, and I said, for
six months, I'm just, I'm not
00:25:15.18\00:25:18.45
going to do it.
00:25:18.45\00:25:18.98
And it helped so much.
00:25:18.98\00:25:20.25
So now, I just keep whatever
I have and just continue to just
00:25:20.65\00:25:25.32
use.
00:25:25.32\00:25:28.02
so I just, I give it to people.
00:25:28.19\00:25:29.52
It's a blessing to
others, so it's good.
00:25:29.82\00:25:32.46
Yeah, you know, interesting,
when you said that you decided,
00:25:32.46\00:25:35.40
you told your husband that God
was going to come first in your
00:25:35.50\00:25:38.53
life.
00:25:38.53\00:25:39.13
And I was thinking,
what does that actually mean?
00:25:39.63\00:25:41.50
What are we
saying when we say that?
00:25:41.84\00:25:44.34
And I think you were, I mean,
I want to hear what you have to
00:25:44.44\00:25:46.71
say, but I was thinking, gosh,
you're probably talking about
00:25:46.71\00:25:47.88
time, or who am I going to
be obedient to, or yield, you
00:25:47.88\00:25:51.78
know, my first?
00:25:51.78\00:25:52.38
Yeah, obedient, yes.
00:25:52.38\00:25:53.48
To, and then, but I'm even
thinking God comes first, and
00:25:53.58\00:25:58.29
eventually you learn
that, like, no, that means he is
00:25:58.29\00:26:00.96
going to be the one who
provides for all of my needs.
00:26:00.96\00:26:02.92
And I'm going to trust him to
do that, even for my emotional
00:26:03.53\00:26:06.43
needs.
00:26:06.43\00:26:10.70
And so, after I prayed for
him for 11 years, he became
00:26:12.00\00:26:15.67
Christian, so we started
Christian boundaries now.
00:26:15.67\00:26:18.84
And what we do is, now we pray
together as a family, and now
00:26:20.21\00:26:25.38
we know, we try to, every
day he comes and he hugs me, he
00:26:25.38\00:26:30.25
tells my son, you
know I love your mother.
00:26:30.25\00:26:32.02
And then, so we make sure
our children, he does, and then
00:26:32.85\00:26:36.76
what I do to show, like I'm
serving my husband, and I just
00:26:36.76\00:26:42.26
go, and my son, he's really
hungry, and I'm getting the
00:26:42.26\00:26:45.87
food ready, and he's
like, is that plate for me?
00:26:45.87\00:26:48.10
And I'm like, no, you
know this is for your father.
00:26:48.10\00:26:50.27
He's the head of the household,
and he, you know, I'm his wife,
00:26:50.34\00:26:54.14
and I serve him first.
00:26:54.18\00:26:55.34
And I said, one day you're
going to grow up, and your
00:26:55.54\00:26:57.58
wife's gonna, you know, you're
gonna be able to get your food
00:26:57.58\00:27:00.55
first.
00:27:00.55\00:27:01.08
And so, we just show each
other's respect, and now we set
00:27:01.72\00:27:06.55
boundaries as in worship.
00:27:06.55\00:27:09.19
So, we have worship, we have a
set time for worship, and a set
00:27:09.36\00:27:12.63
time for worship, and also
for just different things, like
00:27:12.63\00:27:20.80
sometimes in the morning, you
know you're so busy, and you're
00:27:20.80\00:27:23.27
rushing out the door and stuff.
00:27:23.27\00:27:24.54
So, we just try to
pray real quick as a family.
00:27:24.54\00:27:27.48
And then, the way we speak to
each other also is a boundary.
00:27:27.98\00:27:31.88
You know, you want your
children to grow up and have
00:27:32.08\00:27:34.55
this respect for you, but
you have to give it as well.
00:27:34.55\00:27:38.05
And I think
that's very important.
00:27:38.25\00:27:39.62
The way you speak to
your children is so important,
00:27:39.65\00:27:42.89
because your home is a
little piece of heaven on earth.
00:27:43.63\00:27:46.56
And so, I think of that
more now than I did before.
00:27:47.30\00:27:51.27
The closer my husband is, and
now he's head of the household,
00:27:51.27\00:27:55.60
and you know, it's Christ, my
husband, the wife, and then the
00:27:56.74\00:28:02.64
children.
00:28:02.64\00:28:06.55
husband.
00:28:06.55\00:28:07.02
And that's not the order.
00:28:07.52\00:28:08.88
God has an order for
everything, and we need to live
00:28:09.08\00:28:14.26
that order.
00:28:14.26\00:28:15.16
So now, you know,
before, because of my marriage
00:28:15.32\00:28:18.53
problems, it was always, you
know, sometimes I would pit my
00:28:18.53\00:28:22.50
children before my husband.
00:28:22.50\00:28:23.63
So, I'm so happy that
we're all unity together.
00:28:23.73\00:28:27.40
And that's why God says,
Don't be unequally yoked with
00:28:27.40\00:28:29.90
unbelievers.
00:28:29.90\00:28:30.71
Praise God, my
husband is Christian now.
00:28:32.47\00:28:35.61
But you know, I didn't have
to go through that hard time.
00:28:36.38\00:28:40.82
You know, but I
did, and I prayed.
00:28:41.15\00:28:43.02
You know, but another thing
I want to focus on is just set
00:28:43.02\00:28:49.66
in, like when you solve
problems, solve them nicely,
00:28:49.66\00:28:52.49
spend time together, grow
spiritually together, and get
00:28:52.99\00:28:56.67
help if needed.
00:28:56.67\00:28:57.53
Sometimes, you know, you
set boundaries, and your husband
00:28:57.87\00:29:00.90
doesn't want to hear it, or
if nothing's being solved, even
00:29:00.90\00:29:03.94
though you do
set those boundaries.
00:29:03.94\00:29:05.51
I think if nothing is being
solved or nothing, you know,
00:29:05.91\00:29:09.94
the respect for each other
isn't there, or whatever the
00:29:10.08\00:29:13.01
case may be, get
help, go to your pastor.
00:29:13.01\00:29:16.38
I think it's very important
to keep your marriage problems
00:29:18.35\00:29:22.69
between you and your husband,
or your pastor if you need to
00:29:22.69\00:29:27.60
get help.
00:29:27.60\00:29:28.26
But I don't think, you know,
don't go spread your marriage
00:29:28.83\00:29:32.00
problems with everyone, you
know, unless you're trying to
00:29:32.00\00:29:36.30
help someone.
00:29:36.30\00:29:37.34
If you're sitting there
and somebody's going through
00:29:37.44\00:29:38.94
something and you can relate,
then that's your testimony that
00:29:38.94\00:29:42.94
God gave you, and
you can speak to them.
00:29:42.94\00:29:44.78
As long as your
spouse doesn't mind.
00:29:44.78\00:29:46.72
Exactly, yes, yes, yes.
00:29:47.12\00:29:48.98
We don't mind.
00:29:48.98\00:29:49.92
We're open about our past
because God did bring us here
00:29:50.19\00:29:53.59
to help others, and we have,
and we just praise God for God
00:29:53.59\00:29:56.96
using us in spite of us,
and we're just very thankful for
00:29:56.96\00:30:00.23
that.
00:30:00.23\00:30:02.20
we're going to set a watch or
a guard over our mouth, and that
00:30:02.20\00:30:05.00
applies to what we say.
00:30:05.00\00:30:06.10
But also, I really appreciated
how you said, you know, when we
00:30:06.23\00:30:09.54
talk to each other, that we
can guard and create a boundary,
00:30:09.54\00:30:12.47
like, you don't have to yell at
me to communicate that you feel
00:30:12.64\00:30:14.74
frustrated or angry even.
00:30:14.74\00:30:16.34
And that's a boundary that
actually is important for me,
00:30:16.81\00:30:19.41
you know, that I want you to
communicate those things to me,
00:30:19.41\00:30:19.45
but when you're calm, and
when you can be self-controlled
00:30:22.32\00:30:24.92
because of how it affects me.
00:30:24.92\00:30:26.72
And so I'm not going to,
I'm going to create a boundary.
00:30:26.96\00:30:28.86
I can't control, you know,
how you speak, but I'm going to
00:30:29.12\00:30:31.96
withdraw.
00:30:31.96\00:30:35.73
thing.
00:30:35.73\00:30:39.83
were going to get an argument,
I was the one that had to keep
00:30:39.83\00:30:43.14
my voice quiet.
00:30:43.14\00:30:44.34
And then when you stay with
a quiet voice, then their voice
00:30:44.41\00:30:48.78
starts coming down.
00:30:48.78\00:30:49.88
A soft answer
turns a weight around.
00:30:49.91\00:30:51.41
Yes.
00:30:51.75\00:30:55.18
not saying it never
happened because I'm only human.
00:30:55.32\00:30:57.99
But you know, I always tried
to, you know, if I see we're
00:30:58.62\00:31:02.89
going somewhere.
00:31:02.89\00:31:03.43
Yes.
00:31:03.43\00:31:04.13
Yes.
00:31:05.29\00:31:05.33
Yes.
00:31:06.33\00:31:06.53
So.
00:31:06.59\00:31:06.90
How was it?
00:31:07.00\00:31:10.00
spiritual leader in the home
during those years when your
00:31:10.27\00:31:13.00
husband was not
walking with God.
00:31:13.00\00:31:14.47
How was that transition to now
him being the spiritual leader
00:31:15.24\00:31:19.31
of the home?
00:31:19.31\00:31:23.28
A little.
00:31:23.71\00:31:27.65
that right?
00:31:27.65\00:31:28.15
Because when he first came into
the church, he's like, I don't
00:31:29.55\00:31:32.29
believe in Ellen White.
00:31:32.29\00:31:33.09
I was like,
okay, you'll get there.
00:31:33.09\00:31:34.36
And so I prayed and I
just, and God's timing.
00:31:34.99\00:31:37.56
But you know, certain things,
you know, I kind of had to
00:31:39.19\00:31:43.16
slowly let go.
00:31:43.16\00:31:44.23
But once you let go and
your husband is the leader, it's
00:31:44.63\00:31:48.07
just beautiful.
00:31:48.07\00:31:49.04
And your children just, they
just want to have worship more.
00:31:49.64\00:31:53.91
Before it felt like, come
on, we need to have worship.
00:31:54.08\00:31:56.41
Come on.
00:31:56.44\00:32:00.32
husband says, we're having
worship, the kids know, okay,
00:32:00.32\00:32:03.99
you know, we're coming together.
00:32:04.32\00:32:05.79
So it was, it's a blessing.
00:32:06.79\00:32:08.59
It's such a blessing.
00:32:08.89\00:32:09.82
But I do think you bring up
such a good point because I was
00:32:10.09\00:32:13.66
ministering with to a group
and, and the people who were
00:32:13.66\00:32:17.77
hosting the husband and wife,
she was the spiritual leader in
00:32:17.77\00:32:21.67
the home.
00:32:21.67\00:32:22.00
Well, we got to praying.
00:32:22.54\00:32:25.34
She and I were praying for her
husband to become the spiritual
00:32:25.51\00:32:28.81
leader.
00:32:28.81\00:32:34.45
she says, Shelly, I'm not going
to use his real name, but she
00:32:34.45\00:32:39.85
said, I have to tell you,
God has answered our prayers.
00:32:39.85\00:32:43.19
David is now the
spiritual leader of our home.
00:32:43.73\00:32:48.96
And I don't like it.
00:32:49.66\00:32:52.30
So it was, it was a difficult
thing for her to relinquish and
00:32:55.14\00:33:00.78
learn to, you know, and it
doesn't mean, and I tried to
00:33:00.78\00:33:04.28
explain that doesn't mean he
always does everything in the
00:33:04.28\00:33:07.32
home.
00:33:07.32\00:33:11.52
holds him account.
00:33:11.52\00:33:12.45
You need to help me too,
because sometimes I'll be like,
00:33:12.65\00:33:15.46
hey, let's have worship.
00:33:15.56\00:33:16.56
He's like, oh, thank you.
00:33:16.56\00:33:17.56
Yes.
00:33:17.69\00:33:17.86
Yes.
00:33:17.96\00:33:18.33
Let's do it.
00:33:18.36\00:33:22.70
up.
00:33:22.70\00:33:23.47
I think one thing that,
that you said that I think is
00:33:24.77\00:33:27.90
really, really important
and that is the divine order of
00:33:27.90\00:33:32.57
things, because we tend to,
especially in this day and age
00:33:32.57\00:33:36.51
where feminism is really kind
of at its peak and people are,
00:33:36.51\00:33:41.32
you know, trying to be
the heads of their homes when
00:33:41.32\00:33:46.02
actually God
created a divine order.
00:33:46.02\00:33:49.22
And being submissive to
our husbands does not mean that
00:33:50.19\00:33:53.66
we're doormats.
00:33:53.66\00:33:54.76
It means that we recognize and
acknowledge God's divine order.
00:33:54.86\00:34:01.60
And there are roles.
00:34:01.70\00:34:03.00
And I think that when we get
the roles confused or we don't
00:34:03.30\00:34:08.88
acknowledge that, there are
roles that have to be played
00:34:08.88\00:34:12.41
within the home, that
it's, that's why there's so much
00:34:12.41\00:34:16.89
confusion, I think, with kids
now, because they don't know
00:34:16.89\00:34:20.22
what's going on in the home,
because mom and dad are just
00:34:20.22\00:34:26.56
not doing things the way
God ordained for it to be.
00:34:26.56\00:34:31.37
And I think that it's just
so important to understand and
00:34:31.47\00:34:34.90
acknowledge roles.
00:34:34.90\00:34:35.77
It doesn't mean,
again, being submissive.
00:34:36.24\00:34:39.07
And I kind of battle with that.
00:34:39.91\00:34:43.24
I think I'm submissive, but
whenever I say that to Danny,
00:34:43.55\00:34:46.51
he kind of laughs.
00:34:46.65\00:34:47.55
They're like,
Why are you laughing?
00:34:48.05\00:34:49.48
I'm not submissive.
00:34:50.29\00:34:51.29
I think I'm submissive.
00:34:51.42\00:34:52.29
I'm more submissive to him
than I have been ever before.
00:34:52.55\00:34:56.66
So I feel like I'm submissive,
and I have more of a place to
00:34:57.09\00:35:02.36
go, I suppose.
00:35:02.36\00:35:07.97
things, it just flows better.
00:35:07.97\00:35:09.87
It does.
00:35:09.97\00:35:13.98
to submission.
00:35:13.98\00:35:14.68
Yes.
00:35:14.84\00:35:15.31
Right?
00:35:15.31\00:35:15.34
And I think that's healthy.
00:35:16.01\00:35:17.05
And the whole knowing our role
is definition of who I am in
00:35:17.71\00:35:22.65
this relationship.
00:35:22.65\00:35:23.59
And that is so
important to have.
00:35:24.39\00:35:26.42
And I think marriages flourish
best when, kind of you were
00:35:26.96\00:35:30.36
saying, we have our unique
roles that we're fulfilling,
00:35:30.36\00:35:32.76
and they're compatible, and
they're mutually beneficial,
00:35:32.93\00:35:35.73
you know, and
feeding the relationship.
00:35:35.93\00:35:38.03
Yeah, super important.
00:35:38.93\00:35:40.24
It is.
00:35:40.44\00:35:43.91
them.
00:35:43.91\00:35:44.24
Exactly.
00:35:44.74\00:35:45.21
It makes all the difference.
00:35:45.54\00:35:46.61
Yes, yes, yes.
00:35:46.78\00:35:47.94
Because they've got
your best interest and heart.
00:35:47.94\00:35:50.01
But you also have a backbone.
00:35:50.21\00:35:51.81
And they know it, right?
00:35:52.21\00:35:53.82
And they respect that.
00:35:53.82\00:35:54.85
That's why they married us.
00:35:54.85\00:35:55.92
That's right.
00:35:56.02\00:35:59.35
to me.
00:35:59.35\00:36:01.36
He'll joke differently.
00:36:01.62\00:36:02.49
But it's because they know
that we're going to submit, but
00:36:03.12\00:36:06.83
we're also ourselves.
00:36:06.83\00:36:08.26
And we're not going to lose our
individuality in our marriage.
00:36:08.43\00:36:10.77
And that is so important that
when we become one, you know,
00:36:10.87\00:36:14.54
there's this
beautiful experience.
00:36:14.54\00:36:16.07
But at the same time, we're
still, yeah, spending life.
00:36:16.07\00:36:19.41
That's really good.
00:36:19.41\00:36:20.21
I love that.
00:36:20.44\00:36:24.98
women.
00:36:24.98\00:36:25.58
I think I could say that.
00:36:25.58\00:36:26.48
Each one of us here,
sitting here, are women.
00:36:26.68\00:36:28.98
God has given you
each incredible gifts.
00:36:29.35\00:36:31.15
And it's interesting to me as
a strong woman, recognizing that
00:36:31.65\00:36:36.79
role of submission, but there's
mutual submission as well.
00:36:36.79\00:36:40.50
And I'm not saying that God
places the woman above the man
00:36:40.63\00:36:45.07
in the marriage relationship.
00:36:45.07\00:36:46.13
I don't mean that.
00:36:46.20\00:36:47.14
But 1 Peter talks
about that, you know.
00:36:47.54\00:36:49.57
It's just interesting to me.
00:36:50.64\00:36:52.14
Some people will come up and
will tell Greg, I respect you
00:36:52.17\00:36:55.61
highly because you will allow,
let, give your wife freedom to
00:36:55.61\00:37:01.58
share, to speak, to do
different things, where some
00:37:01.58\00:37:05.09
men would be very
controlling on that.
00:37:05.09\00:37:07.09
And I consider that such a gift
that my husband is encouraging
00:37:07.26\00:37:12.56
me in what God has given to me.
00:37:12.56\00:37:15.00
And that's a beautiful thing.
00:37:15.00\00:37:16.77
And yet with that strength as
a woman, recognizing there's I
00:37:16.77\00:37:20.97
need to step back, or I need
to shut my mouth down, or I need
00:37:20.97\00:37:25.87
to show that respect, too.
00:37:25.87\00:37:27.81
So it's a balance.
00:37:27.81\00:37:28.78
It's a learning process.
00:37:28.88\00:37:29.98
I think it's about
celebrating each other's gifts.
00:37:30.85\00:37:33.62
I've seen Greg with his support
of you and also Danny and his
00:37:37.05\00:37:41.56
support of me.
00:37:41.56\00:37:44.93
All of us, all of us have
husbands who celebrate our
00:37:44.99\00:37:50.43
gifts, and we celebrate theirs.
00:37:50.43\00:37:52.03
We are there to really be the
ra-ra team behind them because
00:37:52.67\00:38:00.28
we acknowledge
what God has given them.
00:38:00.28\00:38:03.35
So I think it's beautiful.
00:38:03.78\00:38:05.05
So we're talking family.
00:38:05.68\00:38:06.98
We're talking relationships.
00:38:07.22\00:38:08.35
Let's go So, forgiveness,
I don't think I have real
00:38:17.46\00:38:26.20
problems with forgiveness, but
this has really made me think
00:38:26.20\00:38:29.87
about certain situations in
my life, having this assignment.
00:38:29.87\00:38:35.51
I actually got into a few
more conflicts than normal, you
00:38:36.11\00:38:40.15
know, really over
the past month or so.
00:38:40.15\00:38:42.55
And I'm kind of looking forward
to a few more opportunities to
00:38:42.85\00:38:50.39
kind of work this through.
00:38:50.39\00:38:53.53
So this was a blessing.
00:38:54.20\00:38:56.03
The first thing is that we are
really relational beings, that
00:38:57.80\00:39:03.30
we were created to
be in relationships.
00:39:03.30\00:39:05.44
In Genesis 2, God says it's
not good for man to be alone.
00:39:06.21\00:39:09.58
I will create a
helper comparable to him.
00:39:10.48\00:39:15.18
And then Psalm 68, 6 says, God
sets the solitary in families.
00:39:15.72\00:39:20.56
So he wants us to
be in relationships.
00:39:20.72\00:39:23.32
He wants us to
connect with others.
00:39:23.53\00:39:26.73
But in so doing, there are
bound to be conflicts because
00:39:26.83\00:39:30.50
we're not monolithic.
00:39:30.50\00:39:32.60
We all don't think the same.
00:39:32.87\00:39:34.20
We all don't act the same
way, and we're going to have
00:39:34.30\00:39:36.84
differences of opinions.
00:39:36.84\00:39:38.37
And how do we handle that?
00:39:38.37\00:39:41.01
How does God want
us to handle conflict?
00:39:41.08\00:39:44.81
So the first thing,
this is really a hard saying.
00:39:45.18\00:39:49.15
This is found in
Matthew 5, verses 23 and 24.
00:39:49.68\00:39:53.82
And it says, Therefore, if you
bring your gift to the altar,
00:39:53.96\00:39:57.33
and there remember that your
brother or sister has something
00:39:57.69\00:40:00.66
against you, leave your gift
there before the altar and go
00:40:00.66\00:40:04.67
your way.
00:40:04.67\00:40:09.14
offer your gift.
00:40:09.14\00:40:10.14
This is a hard saying because
it doesn't matter whether I did
00:40:10.64\00:40:16.48
something to them or
they did something to me.
00:40:16.48\00:40:18.58
I am to be the one
to try to work it out.
00:40:18.98\00:40:22.58
That's a hard one for me,
because if someone has done
00:40:23.12\00:40:26.92
something to me, I feel
like they should come to me.
00:40:26.92\00:40:31.26
But that's not what Jesus said.
00:40:31.26\00:40:33.70
Where to take that
first step in reconciliation?
00:40:33.70\00:40:35.86
The first step.
00:40:36.06\00:40:36.87
We must initiate that
reconciliation process.
00:40:37.27\00:40:41.24
And that is a hard saying.
00:40:42.04\00:40:43.27
I remember one time, I
won't say whether it's male or
00:40:43.51\00:40:47.24
female, but years ago...
00:40:47.24\00:40:48.44
Yeah, you will.
00:40:48.44\00:40:49.18
I know!
00:40:49.44\00:40:50.61
Try not to, okay?
00:40:52.85\00:40:54.08
So years ago, there was a
situation where someone had
00:40:54.42\00:40:59.22
been unkind to me.
00:40:59.22\00:41:01.39
And I'm not fake, and I'm not
phony, so I just didn't want to
00:41:02.22\00:41:08.43
speak to them.
00:41:08.43\00:41:09.23
Rather than
say, Hi, how are you?
00:41:10.30\00:41:11.87
No, I couldn't do that.
00:41:11.87\00:41:13.70
So I'd see them at church, and
they would be coming toward me.
00:41:13.97\00:41:18.27
I'd go in another direction,
so I wouldn't have to confront
00:41:18.44\00:41:22.41
them or talk or anything.
00:41:22.41\00:41:24.68
I just did not want to.
00:41:24.78\00:41:26.21
And one day, they came to visit
the church, and the Lord spoke
00:41:26.25\00:41:31.49
to my heart and said, You need
to apologize for not speaking.
00:41:31.49\00:41:35.89
And I knew it was the Lord
telling me that, because I know
00:41:37.36\00:41:41.23
I wasn't trying to think I need
to apologize because I really
00:41:41.23\00:41:44.33
didn't want to.
00:41:44.33\00:41:45.00
And I had been having
flashbacks about how I'd
00:41:45.93\00:41:50.01
treated and all that.
00:41:50.01\00:41:51.54
And so, the person was coming
in my direction, and I said,
00:41:52.04\00:42:00.15
May I speak to
you for a few minutes?
00:42:00.18\00:42:01.72
And so, we went into a room at
the church, and I said, I need
00:42:01.92\00:42:05.75
to apologize to you
for not speaking to you.
00:42:05.75\00:42:10.03
And the person said, You know,
I was wondering why you weren't
00:42:10.96\00:42:14.63
speaking to me.
00:42:14.63\00:42:18.23
you because of
the way you acted.
00:42:18.23\00:42:19.93
But I didn't say that because
I wasn't trying to go there.
00:42:20.24\00:42:24.34
And so, after that, I never had
flashbacks again, because that
00:42:24.71\00:42:33.55
really started the
reconciliation process.
00:42:33.55\00:42:36.79
And praise the Lord, the
Lord gave me peace about that.
00:42:37.62\00:42:40.76
And so, I didn't
have those flashbacks.
00:42:40.79\00:42:43.53
So, initiating, even though
I wasn't the, quote, guilty
00:42:44.89\00:42:48.76
party, I still am thankful
that God has given us these
00:42:48.76\00:42:53.90
different steps that help us,
because forgiveness helps us.
00:42:53.90\00:42:59.11
And that's what I
really want to get to.
00:42:59.11\00:43:01.71
So, after we initiate, the
first thing we really need to
00:43:02.31\00:43:06.75
do is pray for guidance.
00:43:06.75\00:43:07.78
Psalm 1914, Let the words of my
mouth and the meditation of my
00:43:07.98\00:43:12.12
heart be acceptable in thy
sight, O Lord, my strength and
00:43:12.12\00:43:15.22
my Redeemer.
00:43:15.22\00:43:24.50
express His forgiveness.
00:43:26.10\00:43:27.97
His forgiveness can flow
through us to someone else.
00:43:28.94\00:43:31.81
So, we need to
pray for guidance.
00:43:32.01\00:43:33.81
And then think
about what we want to say.
00:43:33.88\00:43:35.74
Proverbs 15, 28 says, The heart
of the righteous studies how to
00:43:35.74\00:43:40.85
answer, but the mouth of
the wicked pours forth evil.
00:43:40.85\00:43:44.52
Isn't that a good scripture?
00:43:45.52\00:43:46.79
Proverbs 15, 28.
00:43:47.29\00:43:48.99
I like that.
00:43:49.29\00:43:49.66
I do too.
00:43:49.79\00:43:50.69
The heart of the
righteous studies how to answer.
00:43:50.86\00:43:53.83
Don't be flippant.
00:43:54.30\00:43:55.30
Don't, you know,
think it through.
00:43:55.70\00:43:57.77
Try to think it through.
00:43:58.03\00:43:59.03
And then we
should go to the source.
00:43:59.40\00:44:02.44
And you brought that up,
Angela, like don't go around to
00:44:03.07\00:44:06.57
everybody and tell everything.
00:44:06.57\00:44:08.11
Go to the person directly
with whom you have the conflict,
00:44:08.44\00:44:13.15
whether they did something
to you or you did something to
00:44:13.25\00:44:16.05
them.
00:44:16.05\00:44:16.58
Matthew 18, 15 says, Moreover,
if your brother or sister sins
00:44:17.32\00:44:21.29
against you, go and tell him
his fault between you and him
00:44:21.29\00:44:25.73
alone.
00:44:25.73\00:44:26.33
If he hears you, you
have gained your brother.
00:44:26.76\00:44:29.30
The Bible is so relevant.
00:44:29.30\00:44:31.10
You know, as I was reading
these different points, it's
00:44:31.20\00:44:34.80
like this is for us now.
00:44:34.80\00:44:37.14
This is not just some
irrelevant information.
00:44:37.67\00:44:41.24
The fifth point is
don't be argumentative.
00:44:42.44\00:44:45.55
Try to see the other
person's point of view.
00:44:46.01\00:44:48.35
And I love this.
00:44:48.75\00:44:49.82
Proverbs 18, 6 through 8
says, A fool's lips enter into
00:44:49.92\00:44:54.49
contention and his
mouth calls for blows.
00:44:54.49\00:44:57.69
A fool's mouth is his
destruction, and his lips are
00:44:57.69\00:45:01.90
the snare of his soul.
00:45:01.90\00:45:03.43
So our mouths can get us hurt.
00:45:04.10\00:45:07.90
People can want to hit you if
you say, you know what I mean?
00:45:08.04\00:45:10.97
So don't be a fool.
00:45:10.97\00:45:11.01
Be wise.
00:45:12.84\00:45:13.64
Be wise as serpents.
00:45:13.81\00:45:15.14
I mean, be wise as
serpents, harmless as a dove.
00:45:15.48\00:45:18.68
Yeah.
00:45:18.95\00:45:19.31
Think about it.
00:45:19.98\00:45:20.75
Thank you.
00:45:20.78\00:45:21.52
And then the next point is
00:45:22.08\00:45:23.72
avoid discussing it with others.
00:45:27.52\00:45:30.03
It maintains confusion.
00:45:30.56\00:45:32.33
Proverbs 26, 20,
and I love this verse.
00:45:32.63\00:45:34.93
Without wood, a fire goes out.
00:45:35.56\00:45:37.93
Yes.
00:45:38.17\00:45:42.07
So conflict leads to
the need of forgiveness.
00:45:42.34\00:45:45.94
And then forgiveness
is another whole thing.
00:45:46.47\00:45:49.44
So about 50
years ago, it was 1950.
00:45:50.21\00:45:54.72
50.
00:45:54.75\00:45:55.25
50 years ago,
in October of 1973.
00:45:55.58\00:46:00.66
Actually, that's 51, right?
00:46:00.92\00:46:02.56
Yeah.
00:46:02.82\00:46:03.16
Years ago.
00:46:03.16\00:46:03.89
I got this call from my
dad, and my Uncle Howard was an
00:46:04.33\00:46:10.27
amazing musician.
00:46:10.27\00:46:11.77
And he worked with a lot
of some of the top names.
00:46:12.30\00:46:14.20
And he and his wife had
gone out to some event, and they
00:46:15.20\00:46:21.91
came home.
00:46:21.91\00:46:22.94
And there were two men in their
apartment waiting for my Uncle.
00:46:23.18\00:46:28.05
And they killed him.
00:46:29.05\00:46:30.65
And the way they killed him
was, yeah, this fifty-one years
00:46:30.82\00:46:35.69
ago.
00:46:35.69\00:46:36.12
They tied him up,
and they gagged him.
00:46:39.26\00:46:41.93
And then as he would swallow,
the gag would choke him.
00:46:42.13\00:46:45.83
So he had a
brutal, brutal death.
00:46:45.83\00:46:48.74
Oh, I'm so sorry.
00:46:48.74\00:46:49.64
And he was like a father to me.
00:46:49.87\00:46:52.67
And so when my dad told
me this, I was just so hurt.
00:46:53.48\00:46:56.98
And it turns out that the woman
he was married to had hired the
00:46:58.48\00:47:02.12
men who killed him.
00:47:02.12\00:47:04.35
Oh.
00:47:04.35\00:47:04.82
And so,
00:47:06.12\00:47:08.36
I can't say that I have this
overwhelming feeling of love
00:47:12.73\00:47:18.10
toward her, but I also can say
that I don't feel hatred toward
00:47:18.10\00:47:26.51
her.
00:47:26.51\00:47:27.21
I feel like God has given
me forgiveness toward her.
00:47:28.04\00:47:33.08
Forgiveness, and I was reading
this book about forgiveness for
00:47:33.55\00:47:40.46
in preparation for this.
00:47:40.46\00:47:41.79
And forgiveness is a decision.
00:47:43.76\00:47:45.73
It's not a feeling.
00:47:45.99\00:47:47.50
And Lisa Turkhurst in this book
says, Your feelings should be
00:47:48.33\00:47:52.27
indicators, but not dictators.
00:47:52.27\00:47:54.47
So they shouldn't dictate how
we react, but they let us know
00:47:54.74\00:48:01.28
where we are.
00:48:01.28\00:48:02.21
And so I'm very thankful
that the Lord has given me peace
00:48:02.51\00:48:10.29
about it.
00:48:10.29\00:48:11.25
It still hurts me.
00:48:11.25\00:48:12.65
I had no idea that I was going
to respond emotionally today
00:48:12.85\00:48:16.66
because it's
been over fifty years.
00:48:16.66\00:48:18.19
And I haven't cried about my
uncle in many years, but just
00:48:18.23\00:48:22.46
talking about it brings it back.
00:48:22.46\00:48:24.53
But yet, I'm really grateful
that God has given me a peace
00:48:24.93\00:48:30.37
about it so that I don't sit
around thinking, like, I hope
00:48:30.37\00:48:34.91
one day she's
burning up in hell.
00:48:34.91\00:48:36.78
No, I don't think that,
and I'm thankful that I don't.
00:48:37.05\00:48:39.58
But could I say something?
00:48:39.81\00:48:41.68
Please.
00:48:41.88\00:48:42.55
This, I think, is so important.
00:48:42.58\00:48:44.32
What you're saying is that
forgiveness doesn't always lead
00:48:44.72\00:48:49.52
to reconciliation.
00:48:49.52\00:48:50.76
Some people don't want to
forgive because they think they
00:48:50.76\00:48:54.10
have to
reconcile with an abuser.
00:48:54.10\00:48:56.67
But forgiveness is for
your sake more than anything.
00:48:57.37\00:49:01.97
It doesn't always lead to
reconciliation, you would hope.
00:49:02.00\00:49:06.84
But in this case, it
doesn't sound like it led to
00:49:07.31\00:49:10.41
reconciliation.
00:49:10.41\00:49:11.18
But you were freed because you
didn't become bitter and angry
00:49:11.68\00:49:16.18
and block off the
Lord's work in you.
00:49:16.18\00:49:20.72
Well, I praise the Lord.
00:49:20.96\00:49:22.19
And to God be the glory,
because it's certainly not me
00:49:22.49\00:49:26.16
because I loved him.
00:49:26.16\00:49:28.36
And I was angry and
hurt about what had happened.
00:49:28.73\00:49:33.40
But yet, the Lord will give
us a sense of peace about the
00:49:33.47\00:49:41.14
past.
00:49:41.14\00:49:41.61
And there's another story I'll
tell you real quick that I saw
00:49:42.74\00:49:48.68
on YouTube.
00:49:48.68\00:49:49.38
A guy named Ike Brown, he
was a patrolman in Florida.
00:49:49.78\00:49:53.62
His son, Ike Jr., was 21.
00:49:54.36\00:49:56.73
He and his best friend
went over to a friend's house to
00:49:57.23\00:50:02.13
play video games.
00:50:02.13\00:50:03.13
While they were there, someone
broke in the house, robbed the
00:50:03.60\00:50:07.50
house, and killed Ike
Jr. and his best friend.
00:50:07.50\00:50:11.07
And so, Ike Sr., the policeman,
had always said, if anybody
00:50:12.04\00:50:18.01
messes with my
kids, I'm gonna kill them.
00:50:18.01\00:50:20.12
But when he found out about
the death of his son, he was
00:50:20.88\00:50:26.65
devastated.
00:50:26.65\00:50:27.49
Like he had no, he
just was devastated.
00:50:27.86\00:50:30.33
And he went to court.
00:50:30.43\00:50:31.56
And when he went to court,
three years later, after the
00:50:31.56\00:50:35.46
death of his son,
he saw the murderer.
00:50:35.46\00:50:38.23
He saw him face to face.
00:50:38.67\00:50:40.40
It was a young man,
close to his son's age.
00:50:40.67\00:50:43.77
And he said the
strangest thing happened.
00:50:44.54\00:50:46.71
Now, this guy, Ike Sr., was not
really a Christian, but he had
00:50:46.81\00:50:51.21
grown up in a Christian home.
00:50:51.21\00:50:52.55
And he said when he saw him, he
felt nothing but love for him.
00:50:52.98\00:50:57.79
And he said, That's right.
00:50:58.09\00:51:00.32
He said, This is God.
00:51:00.52\00:51:03.19
He said, I can't believe that
God would do this, but I know
00:51:03.29\00:51:08.03
that it's just God.
00:51:08.03\00:51:09.46
And so, the
guy's name was Takoya.
00:51:10.27\00:51:13.80
And Takoya
resembled his son somewhat.
00:51:15.40\00:51:18.11
And so, Takoya was found guilty.
00:51:18.81\00:51:21.28
He went to prison.
00:51:21.38\00:51:22.91
And after he was there
for a bit, Ike Sr. wrote him.
00:51:22.91\00:51:28.18
And he wrote him a letter.
00:51:28.65\00:51:29.78
And he said,
00:51:30.02\00:51:30.72
I hope that, he said,
I miss my son so much.
00:51:33.79\00:51:39.93
He said, I want to ask you
if you would fill in for him.
00:51:40.20\00:51:46.10
That's so deep.
00:51:49.94\00:51:51.11
He waited for three weeks
for an answer from Takoya.
00:51:52.91\00:51:56.98
I want to read you real quick.
00:51:57.31\00:51:58.81
I can just read it real quickly.
00:51:59.41\00:52:00.95
What Takoya said.
00:52:01.42\00:52:02.92
He said, Dear Mr. Brown,
I now know that God is real.
00:52:03.82\00:52:10.06
I told God that if you meant
what you said, if you really
00:52:10.56\00:52:13.29
love and forgive me, I told God
that I wanted to hear from you.
00:52:13.29\00:52:17.47
And if I heard from you, I told
God that I would give my life
00:52:17.63\00:52:22.10
to him.
00:52:22.10\00:52:22.54
Mr. Brown cried like a baby.
00:52:23.51\00:52:25.17
Takoya said, You asked me if
I would fill in for your son.
00:52:25.34\00:52:29.18
No way am I
qualified to do that.
00:52:29.74\00:52:31.71
But if you'll have me from this
moment forward, you're my dad
00:52:31.71\00:52:31.75
and I'm your son.
00:52:36.72\00:52:38.35
Is that powerful?
00:52:39.72\00:52:42.26
And in 2009, now the
death occurred in 2002.
00:52:42.26\00:52:48.63
In 2009, Ike Brown Sr.
officially adopted Takoya as
00:52:49.33\00:52:57.27
his son.
00:52:57.27\00:52:57.87
That, my dear
sisters, that's forgiveness.
00:52:58.91\00:53:02.51
We just think that's
what the Lord has done for us.
00:53:02.78\00:53:05.41
Yes!
00:53:05.41\00:53:06.21
Yes!
00:53:06.85\00:53:07.28
Yes!
00:53:08.22\00:53:08.42
Come on!
00:53:08.52\00:53:08.72
Come on!
00:53:08.82\00:53:09.72
Come on!
00:53:10.15\00:53:10.95
He's adopted us!
00:53:11.92\00:53:12.89
Come on!
00:53:13.36\00:53:13.72
That's exactly right!
00:53:14.06\00:53:15.19
That is God all the way.
00:53:15.22\00:53:16.86
That's God all the way.
00:53:16.86\00:53:17.56
That's amazing.
00:53:17.56\00:53:18.26
That salvation viewed
through the eyes of a person.
00:53:18.69\00:53:22.93
Yes, that's right.
00:53:23.06\00:53:24.60
It's beautiful.
00:53:24.60\00:53:25.47
We're coming down to
the end of this first hour.
00:53:25.60\00:53:27.04
We have a full
second hour coming up.
00:53:27.10\00:53:28.97
What I want to do right now
is let's just have a moment of
00:53:29.24\00:53:31.21
prayer.
00:53:31.21\00:53:35.28
Maybe there's been a murder in
their family or extended family
00:53:35.81\00:53:40.18
or maybe someone
told lies about you.
00:53:40.18\00:53:43.39
That takes forgiveness too.
00:53:43.62\00:53:45.59
Whatever you're struggling
with right now or maybe you're
00:53:46.39\00:53:49.09
dealing with issues in your
home being unequally yoked and
00:53:49.09\00:53:52.76
you're struggling right
now, we want to pray for you.
00:53:52.76\00:53:55.23
You are part of the 3ABN family
and we love you and we want to
00:53:55.26\00:53:59.73
lift your needs and the burdens
on your heart before the Lord
00:53:59.73\00:54:03.74
right now.
00:54:03.74\00:54:06.94
hour?
00:54:06.94\00:54:12.38
our hearts to you in praise
and thanksgiving for all of your
00:54:12.38\00:54:15.82
blessings,
particularly for your salvation.
00:54:15.82\00:54:18.75
But we lift the burdens of
the hearts those Lord who are
00:54:19.29\00:54:24.56
watching tonight.
00:54:24.56\00:54:25.46
I just thank you that your Word
says that you are righteous and
00:54:25.83\00:54:31.70
cut us free from the court of
the wicked that is binding us.
00:54:31.70\00:54:35.44
And Lord, Satan
wouldn't have us forgive.
00:54:35.67\00:54:38.34
Satan wouldn't have us
to have a peaceful home.
00:54:38.57\00:54:42.18
But I pray in the name of
Jesus that your Holy Spirit will
00:54:42.54\00:54:46.41
minister to every
person who's watching.
00:54:46.41\00:54:48.88
Help them Lord to see people as
you see them and to forgive and
00:54:49.28\00:54:54.79
go forward.
00:54:54.79\00:54:55.59
And Lord, we love you.
00:54:56.02\00:54:57.43
We thank you.
00:54:57.59\00:54:58.63
We know more is coming.
00:54:58.93\00:55:00.30
We praise you,
Father, in Jesus' name.
00:55:00.46\00:55:03.33
Amen.
00:55:04.27\00:55:04.30
Amen.
00:55:04.87\00:55:05.33
That's powerful.
00:55:05.73\00:55:06.84
I just want to ask you, sis,
we just have a moment left here.
00:55:06.97\00:55:08.90
How long did it take until
you felt like you could forgive
00:55:09.30\00:55:13.27
her, your uncle's wife?
00:55:13.27\00:55:15.28
You know, I mean, was it years?
00:55:15.68\00:55:17.88
Were we talking
10, 15, 20 or was it?
00:55:18.05\00:55:20.48
Wow, that's a
good question, Jill.
00:55:20.48\00:55:22.48
I don't know because when
it happened, I was not walking
00:55:22.58\00:55:27.66
with the Lord.
00:55:27.66\00:55:28.39
That's true.
00:55:28.42\00:55:29.22
So after I came back, it was
many years, I came back to the
00:55:29.66\00:55:36.16
Lord in '85 and my uncle
had been dead since 1973.
00:55:36.16\00:55:42.87
So I really don't know.
00:55:43.10\00:55:44.31
But again, it's a process.
00:55:45.57\00:55:48.21
It's not instantaneous.
00:55:48.74\00:55:50.65
For Mr. Brown, it
was instantaneous.
00:55:51.11\00:55:53.05
For me, it's a process.
00:55:53.55\00:55:55.85
Yeah.
00:55:56.12\00:56:00.36
done something or if I have to
go to someone, then, you know,
00:56:00.36\00:56:03.53
it's quick.
00:56:04.03\00:56:05.06
But this was, this
took years, I think.
00:56:05.23\00:56:07.60
I think it's so important to
recognize that and to realize
00:56:07.66\00:56:10.33
that, that this is a process.
00:56:10.33\00:56:12.23
Our sanctification is a process.
00:56:12.23\00:56:15.34
Our journey with
Jesus is a process.
00:56:15.70\00:56:18.87
Learning how to, for me,
surrender more fully to him,
00:56:19.31\00:56:23.68
give him more of my heart.
00:56:23.88\00:56:25.71
I can think I want you in God.
00:56:25.88\00:56:28.02
I want to surrender everything.
00:56:28.35\00:56:29.88
And he says, oops, there's a
little piece here you haven't
00:56:29.95\00:56:32.19
given yet.
00:56:32.19\00:56:33.22
And so letting him in, letting
him heal, letting him cleanse,
00:56:33.46\00:56:37.89
letting him restore, letting
him bring that reconciliation.
00:56:37.89\00:56:43.16
Don't go anywhere.
00:56:43.80\00:56:44.80
We have a full second
hour coming up talking about
00:56:44.90\00:56:48.27
boundaries in our lives.
00:56:48.27\00:56:49.84