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Series Code: TDYL
Program Code: TDYL220031A
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00:07 >> I want ♪ >> I
00:47 >> want to ♪ ♪ 01:00 ♪ >> Hello and welcome to Thursday night live here at 3 01:11 ABN at 3ABN, studios. >> I'm past that McCain McCain tonight with my lovely wife at 01:16 my right. Could have you, honey. Always glad to be here. I'm excited about this I was 01:25 talking about. >> Couples in relationships so important. These these last 01:30 days, isn't it to try? And so you may not be married, but there's something for you to 01:35 you maybe wanted to get married. And there's definitely something you may 01:38 be >> And you may be young cent. I'm never going to get 01:43 married. After this program. We might change your mind. So do stay tuned for this 01:48 exciting program is going to be a lot of no pun intended. A lot of stamina in this 01:53 program. I know it's going to be all but we want to thank you for your prayers and your 01:58 financial support of this network as we continue going and growing, getting ready for 02:02 the greatest event at the age is the coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. If you 02:07 are first timer and you've never been here before, you need to remember what you did 02:09 to get here and remember us every day because we have television and 02:16 >> and radio. That's where I work and try and we cover the globe. We have a saying here, 02:21 3 ABN, the world is covered by water. 75% and the rest of it is covered by for that yet. 02:30 we're also going to take questions tonight. we're going to give you an opportunity to 02:33 field your questions. You may have relationship questions. Yes, you may be going through 02:36 a rocky time. You know, people go through rocky time. Yes, they do. you might want some 02:41 advice. And I think we have the perfect couple in the house tonight to give answers 02:45 to those questions. So if you want to do that, let me give you the e-mail that you could 02:50 send those. That's a live at the 3 ABN Dot TV. That's if you want to e-mail them in. 02:55 But if you want to text them in, you can send them to 6, 1, 8, 228-3975, at 6, 1, 8, 03:03 228-3975. And if you're driving, keep eyes on the road, but turn the volume 03:08 because I was like, oh, we have questions. I do too. You know all of the questions. So 03:15 please send questions is going to be good enough to be married as long as we have one 03:18 time. How long? Why not? 39 year-old just put right 39 years. Yeah, I love each other 03:28 and more every day. Yes, we've got to just have fun. But something happened today just 03:32 before something happen in the world today. That is particular interest to you. 03:37 many of you know, I was born in dog. The England. My from the island of Jamaica. And as 03:44 a tapas and as you know today, we lost the Queen of England, Queen Elizabeth. My mom from 03:50 she was a little girl. She always followed. The queen always. Something in We follow 03:54 the queen. But we know we We are following the King of Kings County and I must tell 04:01 you a quick short story. >> When my mom and dad back in the late 50's. The queen was 04:08 coming to doggie. And my father this, my father's friend says, are you going to 04:15 go see the queen? And my father said, my queen this right here. I'm not going to 04:21 see the queen. She's right here and my mother always remember that. And both of 04:28 >> Rest in a weight in the wonderful resurrection morning. That right. So 04:33 condolences to all of the P people in England and around the world that mourning the 04:36 loss of a woman who reigned for 70 years with the dignity and it's going to be hard to 04:42 top that. I know. But we pray for those in Great Britain and all the other countries where 04:46 they are sovereign nations that are connected to the Queen and my wife today when 04:51 she walked in after work, she said on particularly said today I lost my queen any time 04:55 something comes on about the royal family is she? I was watching What am I to stand? 05:01 So we appreciate that. But before we bring our music on, let's introduce our guest. 05:07 Yes, we have 2 wonderful people with us. >> Might affect past or a 05:10 couple of pass the Steve and Tammy Conway to Is it stamina full life? Welcome. Thank you 05:20 so much. He's going to have you back. love being with the 2. What church is all you, 05:27 pastor in? >> Right now we are past run at the Troy 7. They have in 05:30 this church. Just one church just want okay. And we're going to dive into your life. 05:37 >> We're going what we call human eyes let people know about their has been blessing 05:42 that I always we look forward. I don't know who the guests will go into tonight. But when 05:48 I found are those going to the Conways so happy? I said, I need to be So we encourage you 05:54 to be here. Hit that record button. And if you could do that because nowadays PCR is 05:58 the kind of like out there. if you miss, it could be on 3ABN. Plus and ill share show again 06:07 a few and you'll find out more about that. But right now we have for music. Wow, we have 06:13 John started. He's going to share a wonderful song with us called I turn to you. 06:30 ♪ ♪ ♪ 06:44 >> What can I wear to the ♪ Now to explain 06:59 >> I've been >> amazing Grays New >> Now it's to that I run and 07:14 Jesus, turn to you. >> And then I'm >> gave you 07:22 ♪ >> turn to you thing is that you do 2. 07:33 ♪ >> Ra the joy, >> I'm never group men 07:49 >> I'm never >> So when >> I'm just gone. 08:05 >> And that's to turn to you and I gave to I turned to you, That that you timeout night, 08:30 turn to you. And then gave >> turned lore the that you need 1st. 08:45 >> You're >> turn >> to you gave you To 09:31 >> To you. >> go through. >> your I turn to that 09:44 >> a just. >> mean, >> I and you turn to you turn 09:53 to further questions of the night. >> Well, the questions that 10:01 and you time you. >> Time to see you. When I don't have any place else to 10:12 when had turn to you. Turn to you. turned you and you turn to you. 10:26 ♪ I turn to you. >> And like go room 10:38 ♪ >> I turn to are the things that he 10:54 >> To ♪ ♪ 11:08 >> thank you, John We share that name, but I don't play like him. Appreciate that so 11:11 much. Yes, we are actually talking about. Who to turn to when your marriage is or your 11:19 relationship is not as strong as it ought to be. And I think that song is a very 11:24 appropriate to talk about who should be who we should turn to and developing 11:27 relationships, even if you the 20 years, 30 years, just got married. You'll discover that 11:34 there is no greater friend than turning to the and good times so that when the 11:38 challenges come, yes, you know, he's always there let's reintroduce the Congress pass 11:44 to Steve, Good to have you here. Pass to Steve Conway. Yeah. Good to be here and 11:50 Tammy, good to have you here to thank you are happy to be here. You guys an exciting 11:55 couple. Always enjoy what's happening in your life. But just now. For those who are 11:59 watching the problem, that may not know you, but I have a whole cheering section say 12:04 passes on tonight. Yeah. Tell us what's been happening since we saw you last and we enjoyed 12:08 the last time you hear of Well, we as I mentioned earlier, we transition from. 12:15 The churches that we were pass route to a new church. Yes, Troy, 7 evidence, churches. 12:20 >> Still in the metro Detroit area. But just on the northeast side, instead of on 12:25 the West side. Now. >> And also probably one of the larger transitions that 12:30 come along with that. my wife who was banned. I'm super woman Supermom super wife for 12:41 so many years and will be to come. But she's transition from homeschooling our she 12:47 home schooled. Actually all of our 4 children. Well, the older 2 who are now finished 12:55 high school and the younger, too now we have a church school and they have and to to 13:03 that academy, that junior academy. >> she is experiencing a new 13:12 OK, Ali, a new of the fate teach an. >> Yeah, I was for you at home 13:17 and taking care of them. But now I'm actually in school as well. So oh, yeah, that's a 13:22 huge transition for me. Returning back to school. so my goal is to finish a degree 13:28 in mental health social yeah. for such a time as this right? white. 13:34 >> And what you guys do that's going to be significant. Yeah, I'm so what are some of the 13:38 things that you've been working on since we saw you last time? we are working on 13:44 one a devotional. Yes, a couple's devotional and a 30 day devotional for And that's 13:54 going to kind of walk through some of the snapshots of our own story. And share lessons 14:02 that we've learned that we feel I can be a blessing. They can minister to couples so 14:08 we're working on that. And we've been working on another project was the other 14:13 >> I recently just finished writing a book myself about my life yeah, my experience with 14:19 a trauma and abuse and just how bad it walk me through that up until the very you 14:24 know, aspects of my life today. it's been a long time has been literally like 10 14:29 years that I've had, you know, starting and stopping. But finished. Yes, ma'am. I 14:34 finished last week and my first day of Class. Yes, Wow. That be So my hope is that it 14:41 will available by the end of this year by because we're going to be a J** I see this 14:44 year speaking. So I want to have it available for the young the young man there to 14:48 be able about trauma. And you're like yes, about, you know, the different aspects of 14:52 decisions and choices that I and how God's hand was moving. Even in those, you know, 14:57 aspects and how he brought me here. Even to this day. So not race had been is going. Oh, 15:03 man. >> Now, you know, you want us to kind of want to open that. 15:09 you have to side with to hear about that. what I mean. Not that you introduce it is just 15:12 yeah. You know, my my my thoughts of Pete right here like questions that coming up. 15:15 But this kind of give us what you feel comfortable to share. Absolutely. The name of the 15:19 book is called on kind of abrasive a title. I guess you could say. It's called kill 15:25 the girl, right? And what it is actually detailing is how each and every one of us has a 15:28 target on our back. And I definitely felt that as a child growing up in a what 15:34 most of us would call a dysfunctional home. But what I discovered along the way is 15:39 that I wasn't the only one. My parents also had a target on their back and so do each and 15:42 every one of us. and there was something some very pertinent lessons that I learned. And 15:49 there were things that I saw where God was leading me to places where I had the choice 15:53 to heal. I had a choice to process through a lot of pain. A lot of things and tools that 16:00 I was not raise with that got was bringing into my mark. Somebody and lo and behold, 16:06 even in those times the guy was allowing me to be able to be a tool to help my parents. 16:10 Khan through some something. So you have the book is detailing a lot of different 16:15 stories that happened. Some decisions I made as a teenager. I and one who had an 16:20 abortion as a teenager. I think we talked about that before. Did And I and the 16:26 times that we live in, I think it's an important topic to discuss because it's very We 16:31 feel very strongly right about that topic that life matters. But I don't really hear a lot 16:37 of people talking about the people who actually make that and what is really going on in 16:42 our minds when we find ourselves at that play. So I felt it was really important 16:45 to tell that story. And if included in the book, yes, that's a very good point, 16:52 because I like when you talked about choices I could. And that will offer to me to heal. 16:58 Yeah. >> And that's really I like that. You bring that up 17:00 because a lot of times people. That choose to remain a victim when the Lord doesn't come 17:07 into our lives to keep us as a victim. Yes, yeah, we you know, we might have some scars 17:13 yet. They are choices to heal. A lot of powerful when you think hunt. There's so many 17:17 people out there that have gone through all kind of abuse isn't here. Even like you 17:22 said, abortion. Yeah. And this book I'm looking forward to some getting a copy of it. 17:30 Yeah, I be available. I'm going to >> Publish it through I know 17:36 just the day and age that we live in. Want get out quickly to find as many people as 17:40 possible. So I'm really hoping to have the editing process, Don and 17:43 >> have it, you know, read a few times over because this is my first venture. I love. 17:48 Writing is one of the biggest loves of my life. But this is my first time. Putting 17:51 something out for the world. So she's also want to talk about her fears and 17:59 >> now she's been encouraged for many years. So not just buy the person sitting next to 18:04 her her life will blessed by the things that she's written. Yeah, and it is a culmination 18:09 of a man. I'm so blessed. I've had a lot of >> wonderful women. A lot of 18:14 wonderful people who have just been a blessing to me along the And this is kind of like 18:20 an old to them to, you know. so I'm really thankful. Yeah. >> Well, that's brave. that's 18:24 really, really brave this la Times. There certain caps to people keep on their lives, 18:30 which, in fact, if uncovering that could be a help to the people that going How does it 18:35 feel to know that as a pastor, wife is putting herself out there that way. I mean, what 18:40 do you think? >> You know, it really doesn't bother I think our marriage 18:49 than that knows us has been around us. One of the things that people have, in fact told 18:53 us a lot that we. It's like what we don't really think of it in that way. But its 19:01 transparency and just being who we are and sharing our story. One of my wife's 19:06 favorite passages from the book of Revelation Worse Isn't overcame the blood of the land 19:13 on the word of their testimony. And so you have and you know what? S get a logical 19:19 contacts, power of sharing what it is that God has brought you through. And it's 19:26 interesting that that comes together with the blood of the lamb. That right. So there is 19:30 an obligation on us really and truly to share what got us down for us and not just what 19:36 he's done for us 2030, years ago. But what he is in the process of doing for us even 19:41 right now, Pfizer says that the redeemed of the So it who he with his mighty That's 19:50 thank you so much for being willing to do that. And >> in ministry always looking 19:54 for now we haven't been that she was here, but it is this Ph U.S. kind of the go-to. I 19:59 knew that as having one of the present. >> Yeah, he's this. I guess 20:04 the speaker gifts for this year. And may they myself as well as a couple of other 20:07 individuals. Really great which and a couple of my other friends to come along and 20:14 share on the subject of abuse and those areas. So this generation, they're ready for 20:20 it. Yeah. >> How did your family go through the pandemic? The 20:26 process of didn't know you both had COVID also. Yeah, yeah. As we both did 20:31 experience some illness was good to us. and our immediate of course, some of our 20:44 children and whatnot. But in our extended family lost a great uncle some others who 20:50 I'm actually a a great aunt as well. And because I have family, actually, that's and 20:58 New York and that's where my great aunt and they divert Sunday. They did. Yes. we 21:04 experienced some loss, but through it all, I can say they've got was good. And this 21:12 this is this is a funny Because of what I just said in terms of transparency. One of 21:19 the things that we value most of the time is precious to us is really our family worship 21:25 time and we we're just really enjoying that. And then my wife said, hey. Why don't we? 21:36 Why do we go live with family worship >> You may have your family 21:41 are from the north east. He is not a social media parts it at all. Yes, think he's not 21:52 checking a socially. I want to check social media. Yes. So so I was and even my kids, they 21:58 were kind of like a I don't know. We don't really want to. >> it's because, of course, 22:03 we're in ministry. And we give so much of ourselves and our families time. So it was like, 22:11 well, this is ours. We we really want this and want to keep this OK? So my wife said, 22:15 but, you know, I really think it could be a blessing and so we we ended up given that a 22:23 try the lore was gracious. We ended up connecting with people. Wow, from all over the 22:29 world and we were having our family worshipped at one point every day, every single day 22:34 and we were like, okay, we've got to. >> Got to back it up a little 22:40 bit. >> But we we had a wonderful time with it enabled us to 22:46 really bill and encourage. And so, you know, a little kind of review to me like, selfish of 22:53 Have something that you enjoy. be less it. You know, cancer brought up on the I think 23:00 that's what he did. >> But that's interesting because my wife, it's helped 23:05 talk about you family where helped the family well my siblings and cousins, close 23:11 friends we Friday night when he's finishing up his summon up to we have our worship. I 23:16 go to my family worship on and then we get together. It's really nice. And we're reading 23:25 them spread a prophecy books and things like that to really encourage courage in about the 23:29 end times. And, you know, and I sit back and I'm amazed how God ignites her to make a 23:37 difference. And those who join look for it. have denied. What do you guys and out of town? 23:44 But that doesn't mean you're not going to be on the night. The Brotherhood constant 23:49 family, and they just really catch up family. And then they go into the word just some 23:52 natural. Just really a lift live. Yeah, want to get back to this issue because you 23:57 guys, go through so much. Just a couple. Yeah. And thank you for your transparency. But 24:00 truly as public sometimes you want to a put some curtains on the now this is ours. And yes, 24:10 family could appreciate that. But you talk about grief I'm just so that that one is grief 24:18 recovery. We hear about it in funerals. And let me just hear your take on. So the funny 24:22 thing is grief recovery came about. >> For during the pandemic, 24:28 while we have some really great things that happened through all of the tragedy, we 24:36 could not deny that we were experiencing a tremendous amount of grief. In fact, we 24:41 realize that all around us people were grieving because there were there was death. 24:44 There was a loss of normalcy. There was all kinds of different things and most 24:47 people's idea about grief generally only centers around death. What we discovered 24:54 around that time was that grief a so far more expanded? It is around loss of any kind 25:00 right. And then within last there is change. And so the pandemic brought about brought 25:06 took the eyes on that and brought it even closer to most. All of us in the world. 25:12 but we didn't know how to process to be quite honest. Weird people love Jesus who my 25:16 husband's a pastor. But to be quite honest with you to walk with people through grief, 25:19 it's a completely different things. So grief recovery. That's what I was like, man. 25:24 You know what I need? We need help and I was in in courage to actually go ahead and get 25:29 certified and that, you know, because we just have so many people suffering. You know, 25:34 grief. Recovery is a method to which you walk people through processing their losses, loss 25:41 of normalcy, right loss of intangible things such as trust their safety. And the 25:45 funny thing is that many of us are not raised with an understanding of how to do 25:50 that. We know how to grieve necessarily. You know this at the time, right? But we don't 25:56 really know how to walk through processes of grief. And it was tremendously 26:01 important. >> Yeah, it at one point in time. You know, out. shaded in 26:07 20 to 30. services. Just go back to back. You know that. And and it was it gets 26:16 overwhelming to the point where you can become nom. You can become numb and it's 26:21 another another funeral. It's someone else who's on the verge of dying. And I really 26:27 dreaded those calls because it's like I have to go back into this place and it was it 26:33 was quite as I said, it was overwhelming and not not knowing how to process through 26:38 that at the same time, feeling we're sensing. But I'm a feel like this. Yeah, I should. I 26:48 should have hope the national always have a good word on my lips to be able to say to 26:53 bring encourage meant and what not. But I was at a place where I needed to just like 26:59 man, I I don't know what to say anymore. I've said everything I know to say more 27:05 believes then that I'm comfortable saying it and I need I need something. And it 27:11 was a profound opening thing for me. My wife. Got her certification. I was one of 27:21 the first sign me up. let me and so myself and pastoral colleague went through the 27:28 process it was rich beyond my ability to explain it helped me not only to be able to 27:39 process through my losses and a life which we're not just yeah. This is one of the 27:46 things I discovered that you tell me if I'm talking too much, here something compound 27:53 that grief all more compound last. So I experience a loss. I don't process it. I keep 27:58 going through life experience, more loss. it's just it just keeps building and building 28:03 and building and building. And so. The experience always have. And where I just felt 28:08 like I'm just dry, lord, I don't have anything I don't even know if if I can feel 28:14 many No, it was a result of compounded grief. And so walking through that process, 28:21 the lot was able to to complete. My grief cycle and a variety of areas and to bring 28:31 about healing for all the losses that I experienced in my life I'm still in that 28:38 process and praise be to God. But it was rich beyond comparison. Not just because 28:43 of the healing that I began to experience. But it also gave me a newfound perspective on 28:51 answering into other people's grief and entering into other people's last knowing how to 28:57 minister to them understanding that, you know what, some may off already understood is that 29:02 you don't you don't have to fix people who are grieving. You don't have to have an 29:07 answer. So to speak, try and and so knew could talk on, but it was it was a wonderful, 29:15 wonderful experience for for me. And it's it's blessed me. Rich. Now. Beautiful. Wow. So 29:23 both of you are into grief recovery. the one who certified. I just had a lot 29:29 >> long. And so it ends up being, you know, work with one on one and 2 groups and for a 29:33 lot of people because again, they don't associate grief with change. I often do 29:38 workshops helping people to process to change. So change, challenging choices. lot of 29:42 stuff you're discovering. Yeah. Yeah. What started your journey and self-discovery in 29:49 your marriage it to minister, a a >> CR member. think 30:06 frightening these >> No, we live and this is. The intervention of God divine 30:16 We were Mary for about. I guess, maybe a month or my mom sent us mom and asked him to 30:26 some tapes. Yeah, because they had just gone through. A series of seminars. With Ron 30:34 and Nancy Rocky say it going through their bout at back in the day was binding. The 30:43 wounds they have gone through. And my mom was one of those take people. So she bought all 30:46 the Tahoe. She sent the tapes down to us and say you guys need to go through this. We 30:51 think it will be rich for you. What not? And I remember we were driving down to my 30:58 parents, went through it. we were. We were driving down to Birmingham, Alabama. My 31:02 granddad passed away and we were we lived in into Tennessee just north of 31:08 Chattanooga. So we were driving down a Birmingham, Alabama, for the funeral. And 31:11 we begin to listen to that age. The car actually had a We we listening to the tapes and 31:17 man, I will tell you am so grateful that, you know, their ministry and their wisdom were 31:27 injected into our marriage and into our experience at such an early point. Now, the Lord 31:32 blessed. We had good premier's counseling and and all these. But the level of 31:40 self-discovery that we began. I remember we were just in the car and Robin and that ridge 31:45 Chevy Cavalier. I can't drive car. And then it was just like, you know, you hear 31:50 something on stop. Did you hear what I what did you hear? You know, as Ron is talking 31:59 about his rejection issues and whatnot, you know, I'm just like. Seen myself and my own 32:11 life from the perspective that I've never seen it before. And one of the powerful things is, 32:18 but now I'm able to put a finger on it. it's it's almost like somebody gives you a 32:24 magnifying glass and you've been looking at things. But you haven't been able to see 32:27 them with what a certain amount of detail. And so what will share with us and those 32:33 tapes. It gave us a a level of detail. >> Concerning our own 32:39 individual experiences and how those experiences that we brought to the table were 32:44 affecting both of us and our marriage relationship. But it was just like wall. This is 32:50 looking at a world that we didn't know even existed. that that journey began profound 32:58 breakthrough understanding, self-awareness. So communication on a level 33:05 because when you when you're discovering who you are and there's someone with you by 33:11 and that journey. Yeah, it's you know, you're just wide open. You're vulnerable 33:16 perhaps in ways that you never never land on. And all double. But here you are. She's 33:21 discovering them about who she is on discovering. Well, who I am. And I'm and it definitely 33:27 helped us to be able to early on break. Some generational curse you know, because we 33:32 were right and ready. And this is people who love the lower right, young people who, 33:35 >> quote, unquote, did it the right way. And yet, though, we did things the right way, we 33:38 were still broken. We were still carrying baggage that was going to show up in the 33:45 marriage. All it took was the right circumstance and situation. 33:48 >> And we didn't have tools. Yeah, we didn't know. Yeah, we didn't have to. So we were of 33:53 a lot of things that were going on and then we lacked the tools. Yeah, to really and 33:58 truly be able to address issues as the rolls That's that's powerful. Talking about 34:06 Yeah, really. A lot of people. couple still have these tools see when we got married. You 34:12 know, back in the Stone >> we The pastor just got together Mike. You know, half 34:21 an hour's time. Yeah, you know, make sure that when your wife needs a new outfit, you 34:24 get a new outfit and has all the basic stuff. But now that I am a certified couples 34:34 coach. I look back on that and say come they didn't have that in our day and truly we had 34:39 some self-discovery, you know, at point. You made when when you come to the realization of 34:45 who you are, you have to remember both of you and what may come to the realization of 34:50 who they are before. The other one realize that they are yes. And you've got OK, now you've 34:54 got this per person. Paul those baggage out? I think now must Yes, you just open up a 35:03 bag that I you had. >> what am I supposed to do with that? Yeah, we know what 35:07 that's like. it really does make a difference for both of you to start hearing each 35:12 other. They were told them. I said you're not listening. Yeah, I would say that not 35:16 listening And here's a look at me. Speak. >> right? 35:21 >> Yeah. And so that has a tense. You know, I this is funny like that because then 35:26 you have the listen. And so there are days when like OK? Turn on the turn on the fire 35:34 hydrant. All just take it all drink as fast as I because those are moments that are 35:40 necessary. And for the spouse to understand that, OK, you probably at your level, you 35:46 know your glasses. So full water just coming out. Yeah, but you stand is to keep 35:50 drinking more water because it's important to the other person is. And that's really 35:53 important brought that out. Yeah. And we've you know, we've learned that was to 35:58 learn. But now it's your program. Something just going to the question at you. 36:03 >> What would you say to a couple? To help connect draw their hearts closer together 36:11 and their journey of >> you know, one of the things I think that I'm really 36:16 grateful for. That we've tried to not even just in our marriage, but as a family 36:24 talking is so important in part of talking is listening right? Sometimes you can be in 36:28 a relationship where one person is. Can the gift of gab Riad, which is was a little 36:38 right? But you it is so much more rich. 2 have a safe place, you know, in your home 36:44 where you allow transparency and honesty and vulnerability, you know, and in ministry, you 36:53 know, like you said, the microscope is on you. So there needs to be a place where you 36:55 can have that, you know. So I think that creating a time during the day at some point 37:00 or you can come together and you can have you can talk, you know, and I'm so grateful for 37:06 for that. >> You the Bible says any fees chat before I believe it is 37:13 speaking the truth and speaking the truth in love. And this is something I think 37:18 that and we take for granted. And that is truthfulness or on a stand. But what we've 37:24 discovered is that very few of us are actually honest and truthful. Yeah, what mean, 37:31 when I say that so. It's very easy for us to focus in. On negative experiences and 37:41 negative things. What our spouse has not done what we need them to do. The needs 37:46 that we have that they haven't met. It's very easy for us to focus in on those things. And 37:52 most cases. It is not an absolute truth that. My spouse is only this right? I may have 38:05 some some horrible But if I'm going to be truthful, that mosque, Imus also acknowledge 38:14 the positive experiences. Now and what is what's so difficult about this is that 38:22 this happens you could be anywhere on the merits spectrum, not just America 38:26 spectrum when people are reflecting on their parents know childhood, the 38:30 relationship with their siblings, someone who's been married, hasn't ex-husband, 38:36 ex-wife, whatever situation we're in. Our tendency is to not tell ourselves that rules 38:41 about their relationship and that is 2. Not just heart on what was wrong with it. but 38:50 also again, acknowledging what was positive for the good memories. And now that doesn't 38:57 mean that that that was a healthy relationship. But it doesn't mean that this was the 39:03 best has been the best wide for these were the best parents. And it doesn't mean 39:07 that you excuse abuse or you excuse the crimes, But they're often times. I think that we 39:12 we what we call it is conflicting. >> again, this goes back to 39:16 not really having tools. You know, most children and I have to admit now, you know, being 39:22 a parent, I think I'm getting in having an adult. Not when it started with the 2nd half. 39:28 I thank God Friday and you know. >> you begin to realize just 39:33 how ill equipped we are, you know, to be able to address. I'm certain things and so 39:38 telling my children, you know, that it's possible that you can feel 2 things at once. You 39:41 don't like something that someone is done. But at the same time that you love this 39:46 person, you know, so that conflicting type thing. So that's important when you're 39:51 dealing in relationships. >> And we've we've actually found to that. A lot of people 39:56 are frozen at that point because I've got this feeling over here and I have this 40:01 feeling over here. Both of them can't coexist. Yeah, it's got to be either. This is the 40:07 most horrible person that's ever existed or it's a good person. But in reality. person 40:15 who maybe who may have done horrible things. Yeah, has actually done some good things 40:20 as well. And whether we're talking about a person who's experienced abuse or a person 40:28 who has experienced abandonment or neglect generally in those 40:33 circumstances, there is. And I guess we're talking about this earlier that sometimes. We 40:42 wonder light why on Earth would a person who's an and abusive relationship? Why 40:46 would they stay? Well, you know this, this conflicting these conflicting feelings. 40:52 It's one of the reasons at least yeah, it's because everyone else sees how 40:57 horrible this person But this individual may be choosing to focus on the good things that 41:02 this individual does. So a part of us being able to process and a healthy way. 41:11 Yeah, I'm all relationships and being able to make healthy decisions, make healthy 41:15 decisions being able to. Because your question was, what are some things that that 41:19 couples can do? Yes, I'm that I want to help being able to forgive him being able to let 41:26 goal and he'll and certain areas a part of that is first being able to be honest right? 41:33 So I'll give you an example and, you know, let's say that I had a relationship that 41:39 didn't work out prior to my marriage, right? Right. I'm looking at the person that was 41:46 in this previous relationship that the worst person ever. They did so many things. They 41:50 were that I have all of this. All right, because I'm not able to let that go. Yeah, 41:55 because I'm not able to forgive and again, forgiving doesn't mean excusing the 42:03 behavior. That doesn't mean I'm belittling it. It doesn't mean I'm saying it wasn't 42:08 important. It didn't hurt its is not doing that right. But when I'm unable to forgive 42:11 one, I'm unable to heal. What I actually do assign morning. The hurt from that 42:17 relationship into this relationship. And I cannot enjoy having use what I can 42:24 enjoy a healthy relationship here because I'm still dragging a courts with me this 42:30 relationship that is literally rotting, making making this relationship Many other person 42:35 is like, I don't want out what's going on by anything. And it we're going to be able 42:43 to forgive. We've got to be able to process and a healthy way and a part of that. It's 42:47 telling ourselves the truth, say, you know what? There was some good days. There were 42:53 more bad days than good days. These were the good things. 1, 2, 3, 4, These were the things 43:00 that were horrible. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 19 lore. Help me to be able to heal and help 43:06 me to be able to move forward from this. and I'm talking about a relationship in this 43:12 illustration that's there. But imagine if the relationship is here in and now she's the one 43:16 who's hurt me or on the one who's hurt her. And it's like Lord, how can I heal from 43:23 this? I think another thing that I'll say, I'll let her talk on this one is. His 43:30 understanding. That I don't need someone else's permission in order to heal you sit. You 43:38 suggested earlier that one of us reach a revelation or we can have a revelation or 43:46 experience. You know, like, wow, I realize this about myself and you want your your 43:50 spouse or your parents or your brother, your sibling, whoever else you want them to come 43:55 along on this journey with you. But they're not ready to go on that journey, right? And 43:59 maybe as the person that's hurt you. But in reality, the reality is innocent. Profound 44:05 truth. We don't need another person's permission to. He'll want to say Wow. Now just 44:12 before you say that I want to just prime audience because this is good stuff. I know 44:17 that the people listening. Yeah at the summit. But Hilton turnout upturn we want you to 44:21 not forget that in the second hour >> pass to Steve and camera. 44:26 Conway want to answer your question. and we want to just encourage you to send those 44:30 questions in. Yeah, if you want to e-mail them and don't forget this live at 3 ABN DOT 44:36 TV. That's live a lie. The E at 3 ABN DOT TV or doing the techs. Those questions in 6, 44:43 1, 8, 2 to 8, 39. 75 6, 1, 8, 2, 2, 8, 3, 9, 7, 5. Tonight. You're getting free courtesy 44:56 of 3 wonderful on spirit that couple a pastor and his wife to Conway's. this is this is 45:03 rich because it listening. Going through the dynamics that you talk about. Yes, 45:08 everybody could relate to some factor. I just 7 long, couple years ago called trailer trash 45:15 and people thought now. >> people >> thought I was referring to. 45:22 That's very derogatory term. Yeah. I was saying it's the stuff you drag yet that you 45:28 don't She is in your relationship and before you can discover what this person 45:34 brings to the table. You on the are going to your >> Not. Just trying to figure 45:38 out what in there. Remind what their she had to remind us of what's in the trail. If you 45:44 get in that trailer, you can discover your and people sometimes get comfortable 45:52 dragon that stuff around because that's the way they've been identified. Loyd said. 45:57 >> Do you want to be made whole? That's right. That's right. Some people don't want 46:00 to some people like the pool this is their identity. If it that bad story, how people 46:06 relate to me because always know me as the guy by the pool reach reach. some people do 46:10 want to give in to their war stories. They're bad stories to get a new I like that. This 46:17 is in this rich, honey, I'm not in it. Some love in the time he been free counseling. 46:23 I was. Could. We could always learn from each. Everyone is getting free every. But we're 46:27 going to tell you how you pay for this. At the end of let me just another question at you. 46:36 >> As parents now that you have adult children, how will adult children ages? ages 46:42 arson is 20 years old is real. I'm Abigail will be turning 18 next and then other Lourdes 46:50 off it that our character needs more development. Okay. we have a 12 year-old son, 46:57 Gabriel and a sweet little girl and Big Gap. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, That that's good. So as 47:03 parents now, what would you share with parents watching are some of the most valuable 47:07 lessons you've learned while parenting millennials, the texting generation, the 47:14 generation where when they watch TV, 5 things are happening all. What could you 47:20 say all my it's it is that it is a One of the things I think for me, I'm going through this 47:28 stage of my life and I think we talked about this earlier that and marriage and 47:32 relationships that there's constant change. And there's constant movement, right? You? 47:37 I'm not the same woman I was when I had my first child, you know, and I'm not the same 47:42 mother I was. And, you know, ways I thought always a process things. And there's 47:46 these different stages. You go through. So. >> You know, having this 12 47:49 year-old boy in this 21 year, 20 year-old, I often having to catch myself to not talk to 47:54 him like he's you know, because he's a young you know, and I'm not a law. It was it 48:01 was a hard transition for me as a mother to let go. I'm in the sense of he's a he's a 48:06 young man on the has decisions and choices that he must make. You know, and, you know, they 48:12 are different. The millennial generation is as Generation X ERs. I feel like we're caught 48:19 between 2 generations were calm between the baby boomers right and the ideals that they 48:22 have and then the millennials and those ideals and, you know, they Yeah, you I who. 48:34 which Yeah. >> And so it's been interesting thing I'm trying 48:39 to navigate, you know, that change and I and the ways they see life, you you know, we 48:45 know at my parents raised show up to work no matter if you sick and even die in one leg, 48:51 drag it get there. Yeah. Yeahs that generation. They're like, no, you know, I I'm not 48:56 feeling well, you Santa mentally and emotionally, I'm not well. And so there's these 49:01 dot commies, you know about what you know, the older generation are my grandfather. 49:04 He was at work every single day, you know, and my grandmother didn't really see 49:07 him a lot. Well, millenials are like, no, I'm not going to sacrifice my family, you know, 49:12 and not to see them. And so there's these things, right. And yeah, it's interesting. 49:18 >> You know, you make a point. She does crazy as people think this new generation is cause 49:23 of the devices that have much of their attention. They are more informed than we think 49:29 they a lot of times and you wonder sometimes they'll come up with something profound and 49:32 you think. Mama went to this Web title counseling. We didn't have that men to go pay 49:40 for life and children have information coming at them. what I want to go back to. 49:45 Yeah. Before I gave the address, you were talking about something that was so 49:51 profound about how to process all these the conflict, that you just reiterate briefly 49:59 because through that you the ball to your wife and she was about get the which is so 50:05 profound. Yeah. >> About healing and not needing permission permission. 50:09 Yeah, he'll yeah. >> it is a profound thing. It is. He had not not meeting 50:15 someone's permission to heal is a thing. You know, because oftentimes we are raise 50:21 thinking that the person must apologize. The person must acknowledge and, you know, one 50:27 of the great things about all of the grief recovery aspect is that what do you do when 50:30 the person is dead? >> that's true. What do you do? Are you are you left to 50:36 now carry the burden by for the rest of your life. >> What are you able to? Yeah. 50:41 And there are our So many people who literally have been carrying burdens because the 50:47 their mothers with their father the person who hurt them is no longer able right 50:51 there did or would have would have the person miss. We're mostly just simply isn't 50:54 there. They're not remorseful. They don't regret what has you know, are you then left to 50:58 carry that baggage? And I was so happy you know, and I talk about this in my book where 51:04 the first time that I realized that that I had a choice in the matter. All right, to heal 51:09 was when I first was able to admit to myself, right? I don't need I just give you 51:15 this one thing. was well married had children and live in my life. And this is the 51:23 big the dawn of social media, someone who had a molested me when I was a child reached out 51:28 to me, all social media. You know, but, you know, I still love Oprah. nice to think 51:34 about stuff like, you know, member Oprah moments, here it it how will get to tell the 51:40 person what it is they did to you and they're going to just profusely be up. How much 51:44 attic and you're trying to get the apology? Yeah. And the truth was when I expressed all 51:50 of those thought, somehow I had live with the memories and all these things, all of my 51:53 life. The person was like. I don't even know what you're talking about. And, you haha. 51:59 >> What I was mad. >> I was serious. How dare this person live all this time 52:07 without technology? And I think here in this my entire life I've been waiting to do 52:09 this. >> What do you do? And you know something profound. He 52:14 told me because I would love to think I love you. Think about when it came up with it. 52:17 I was my husband said, you know what? Time or you don't need that person's permission 52:20 to you. A man and I was like, repeat that. You do not need time look the Yeah, yes. You 52:27 do not need their permission to heal. You can heal on All right. And that transformed my 52:33 life. And that moment that allowed me to begin a journey of personal that self 52:41 reflection, rival and also being able to surrender to God because the truth is what if 52:43 they did apologize? What if they it still would have changed too. The hurt and the 52:50 pain, right? It would have been nice to hear, you know, but the truth of the matter is 52:53 it was up to me, you know, took to give that to God and the gossip and in their place 52:57 because they're imperfect. They couldn't take give me back all those years. All 53:01 right. So that that's that's I mean isn't a steep because I talk about stuff like this. 53:09 Yeah, I as you talked about, you know, people's permission to go. Really, it's a it's a 53:14 You have to decide. >> Who you want to be? And if you decide, well, here's what 53:21 I was thinking If you put your mental wholeness, yes, if your mental homeless is based on 53:28 what you expect from somebody you'll never be free. Never. And so that's why the story of 53:33 the man at the pool. I go back to that again, the key to that was Jesus. Yes. you talk about 53:39 all that grief that was compounded in my mind. I was waiting be in the South. Yeah. 53:46 Come on to me. All you who? Labor? Yeah. To try to lift the Stuff Co and the heavy 53:50 ladened with things you can carry give So you said again, you want to be healed Jesus 53:58 office. That's what people can and often a Tom, tell me now, pastor camera. Why is that 54:03 statement? Not? why is that statement? Not a substitute for the process 54:16 >> so and hope I hope this will ask the question too. What makes it difficult for us 54:21 to to experience the healing that we can experience to Christ. You quoted it. Come on 54:32 to me. All you that labor and are heavy laden. I will give you rest. And then he says, 54:39 take my yoke time right? And learn of me. So there's an exchange. Yes, where we must 54:47 give our burdens. Let me rephrase that. We must give our hurt and our hatred movie. 54:55 Yes. And our desire for payback, revenge. We must give that to a person. Was none 55:02 other than Jesus. Who is not the one who was hurt us. A man. So Jesus says essence. I 55:12 know how you feel about a father. I know how you feel about your mother. I know how 55:15 you feel about your brother, your sister. I know how you feel about. 55:17 >> Whoever it is that's hurt. You. Now I need you to give that to me. I need you to put 55:23 it on me as though I'm and what I would. homeowners Easeus. you. he did too. no, 55:31 no, no. You don't deserve this. They deserve it. Jesus says I know I need you to get 55:39 it to me. All right. need you to be able to put this on me and let me carry it for And 55:44 this is where the struggle takes place because no. This person needs to suffer. This 55:51 person needs to hurt. They need to know how deeply they wanted me and how how badly 55:56 they hurt me. They they need to experience what I've experienced all these years. 55:59 And Jesus is essentially say now. Let me experience all of it. Get to me and and and we 56:10 are uncomfortable with allowing Christ to stand in the place of those who have 56:15 warned us. have heard us and therefore we are. We're holding up that process going. 56:22 And I think that what scares people most about this it's important to for us to talk 56:26 about is because in this generation in this me, too generation Ryan and I tell my 56:30 husband often that I don't have much sympathy for it. And the reason why don't have much 56:36 sympathy for it is because the reason why it exists is because in the Times where we 56:38 should have spoken up and dealt with certain things, we did it. So you know what 56:43 happens, right? There's always that that back you. Now, right? Residual effects. 56:46 However, what I will say is that this doesn't mean that that the person that they're 56:52 excused, that right? >> Yeah. But I'm glad you I'm I'm glad you said that. We're 56:57 not saying they're off the hook. Yeah. They have tone. I get to the Lord. Yes. If they 57:03 refuse to acknowledge yes, but home is going to come somewhere. Yeah. It could come 57:06 Somebody has to pay because sit-in always requires that aim is always to it. going do 57:14 something that you in the second now, but this is been rich just as live and love 57:19 that. You said give it to Jesus. You meant ease the burden bearer. All right. And 57:22 whether you know not which is can start of the second hour to talk about how that can be 57:28 done, but live at 3, ABC, D or 6, 1, 8, 2 to 8, 39. 75 send those questions. Or you may 57:35 want to make a comment. But I want to tell you now you see what I mean. They always have 57:40 stamina. God is blessing them and he wants to bless you through their experiences. So 57:42 don't go away. We'll be right back. ♪ 57:50 ♪ |
Revised 2022-09-10