I want to spend my life
00:00:01.63\00:00:07.60
mending broken people
00:00:07.64\00:00:12.67
I want to spend my life
00:00:12.71\00:00:18.75
removing pain
00:00:18.78\00:00:23.92
Lord, let my word
00:00:23.95\00:00:30.03
heal a heart that hurts
00:00:30.06\00:00:34.60
I want to spend my life
00:00:34.63\00:00:40.37
mending broken people
00:00:40.40\00:00:45.91
I want to spend my life
00:00:45.94\00:00:51.31
mending broken people
00:00:51.35\00:00:54.72
Hello and welcome
00:01:09.46\00:01:10.80
to a special
Thursday Night Live.
00:01:10.83\00:01:12.57
Thank you for joining us
as you do each and every day
00:01:12.60\00:01:16.14
and especially for the
Thursday Night Live programs.
00:01:16.17\00:01:19.01
We're here in West
Frankfort/Thompsonville,
00:01:19.04\00:01:21.78
Illinois,
00:01:21.81\00:01:23.14
and it's been a great
week here in Southern Illinois.
00:01:23.18\00:01:26.21
It's not been too hot, has it?
00:01:26.25\00:01:27.65
No, it started to actually
feel a little bit like fall.
00:01:27.68\00:01:29.85
Yeah, I agree.
It's been a little cool.
00:01:29.88\00:01:32.09
And I noticed our cat,
00:01:32.12\00:01:33.62
we have a little
cat named Pebbles.
00:01:33.66\00:01:35.32
And she was sitting on
our back deck this morning
00:01:35.36\00:01:38.49
in the sunshine.
00:01:38.53\00:01:39.86
She was enjoying
the morning sunshine.
00:01:39.89\00:01:41.40
So that tells you it's getting
a little cooler in the morning
00:01:41.43\00:01:43.63
because she's looking
for that warmth indeed.
00:01:43.67\00:01:46.00
But we're so
glad for your prayers
00:01:46.03\00:01:48.30
and financial support
for the ministry of 3ABN.
00:01:48.34\00:01:51.71
If it weren't for you,
00:01:51.74\00:01:53.07
this ministry
wouldn't be in existence.
00:01:53.11\00:01:55.08
And what's really special about
you being part of our family
00:01:55.11\00:01:57.95
is that you're
making a difference
00:01:57.98\00:01:59.85
in the lives of other people.
00:01:59.88\00:02:01.58
So as you give
your donations to 3ABN,
00:02:01.62\00:02:04.65
it's making a
difference for eternity.
00:02:04.69\00:02:06.39
And we have a special
program this evening, don't we?
00:02:06.42\00:02:09.06
This is going
to be a lot of fun.
00:02:09.09\00:02:10.83
It's on
relationships, marriage, family.
00:02:10.86\00:02:15.53
We all have
relationship with someone.
00:02:15.56\00:02:16.90
I agree.
00:02:16.93\00:02:18.27
And that's important,
whether you're married
00:02:18.30\00:02:19.63
or divorced or widowed
00:02:19.67\00:02:21.00
or whatever
status, you are single,
00:02:21.04\00:02:24.07
never been married,
00:02:24.11\00:02:25.44
this program is for you.
00:02:25.47\00:02:26.81
Because we God created us
00:02:26.84\00:02:28.38
to be in
relationship with other people,
00:02:28.41\00:02:31.61
He created us to be
in relationship with Him
00:02:31.65\00:02:33.45
first of all,
00:02:33.48\00:02:34.82
and then in
relationship with other people.
00:02:34.85\00:02:36.45
So we all have a friend,
we all have a family member,
00:02:36.48\00:02:38.92
we all have a co-worker.
00:02:38.95\00:02:40.49
And this program is
going to be a lot of fun.
00:02:40.52\00:02:42.56
I want to say we
have some old friends,
00:02:42.59\00:02:45.03
but that is not a
good word because...
00:02:45.06\00:02:46.39
No.
00:02:46.43\00:02:47.76
We are still very young,
00:02:47.80\00:02:49.13
I just want you all
to know that right now.
00:02:49.16\00:02:50.50
Thank you, baby. That's
good, I appreciate that.
00:02:50.53\00:02:52.93
We have Pastor Steve
and Tammy Conway with us.
00:02:52.97\00:02:55.44
And Pastor Steve, we
went to school with him.
00:02:55.47\00:02:57.64
We won't even say
what year that was,
00:02:57.67\00:02:59.27
but we graduated together.
00:02:59.31\00:03:00.88
That just seems like yesterday.
00:03:00.91\00:03:04.01
Oh, thank you.
00:03:04.05\00:03:05.68
Like 20 some years
ago, though, isn't it?
00:03:05.71\00:03:07.52
Yeah, you had
to go and spoil it.
00:03:07.55\00:03:10.65
Pastor, that was kindergarten.
00:03:10.69\00:03:12.02
We went to
kindergarten together.
00:03:12.05\00:03:13.46
Okay. Yeah.
00:03:13.49\00:03:14.82
But we had a great
time in school together.
00:03:14.86\00:03:16.19
Absolutely.
00:03:16.22\00:03:17.56
It's a blessing
'cause I know we get to see
00:03:17.59\00:03:18.93
as we go to some
GYC, ASIs, other events,
00:03:18.96\00:03:22.30
but it's a
blessing to have you here
00:03:22.33\00:03:23.67
first time for you and your wife
00:03:23.70\00:03:25.03
to be here at 3ABN.
00:03:25.07\00:03:26.40
Yes, yes, yes.
00:03:26.43\00:03:27.77
It's kind of in the
middle of nowhere, isn't it?
00:03:27.80\00:03:29.87
Yeah, it is.
00:03:29.90\00:03:31.41
But it's wonderful to be here.
00:03:31.44\00:03:32.87
Wonderful to get an opportunity
00:03:32.91\00:03:34.54
to spend some time with friends
00:03:34.58\00:03:36.64
and to see what God
is doing here at 3ABN.
00:03:36.68\00:03:39.31
Amen.
00:03:39.35\00:03:40.68
Because the city
you come from is,
00:03:40.72\00:03:42.05
you know, we
have a population of
00:03:42.08\00:03:43.55
here in Thomasville 550 people.
00:03:43.59\00:03:46.32
And I know where
you guys come from,
00:03:46.35\00:03:47.69
just a tad bit
more people, right?
00:03:47.72\00:03:49.56
Yeah, yeah, Detroit,
Michigan is where we're from.
00:03:49.59\00:03:53.76
So there's a
little bit more than that.
00:03:53.80\00:03:56.56
I think there's in
the surrounding suburbia
00:03:56.60\00:04:00.94
and the city,
00:04:00.97\00:04:02.30
there's probably about 3.1
million people in the area.
00:04:02.34\00:04:05.27
Just a little
bit different. Yeah.
00:04:05.31\00:04:06.88
Little different than 550.
00:04:06.91\00:04:08.64
So, Pastor Steve,
00:04:08.68\00:04:10.01
you are the pastor
00:04:10.05\00:04:11.38
of the Detroit Northwest Church.
00:04:11.41\00:04:12.81
Yes, Detroit Northwest
Seventh-day Adventist Church.
00:04:12.85\00:04:15.15
How long have you
all been pastoring there?
00:04:15.18\00:04:17.82
Eight years. Yeah.
00:04:17.85\00:04:19.45
Eight years,
eight wonderful years.
00:04:19.49\00:04:22.42
Yeah.
00:04:22.46\00:04:23.79
And you have some children?
00:04:23.83\00:04:25.16
Oh, yes.
00:04:25.19\00:04:26.53
I know we have several pictures.
00:04:26.56\00:04:27.90
And you'll have
to give their names.
00:04:27.93\00:04:29.76
Okay, here we go.
Starting from the youngest.
00:04:29.80\00:04:31.83
Oh, the baby there
smiling in the corner is...
00:04:31.87\00:04:33.94
This has been a
few years ago too.
00:04:33.97\00:04:35.30
Yeah. Yes, yes.
00:04:35.34\00:04:36.67
Yeah, that's Angel.
00:04:36.71\00:04:38.04
And then the very cheesy one
in the corner, that's Gabriel.
00:04:38.07\00:04:40.64
And then just behind us
is our oldest son Israel
00:04:40.68\00:04:43.38
and our daughter Abigail.
00:04:43.41\00:04:44.75
Okay.
00:04:44.78\00:04:46.11
And then this transition to one
00:04:46.15\00:04:47.48
that's just to this
is pretty recent, right?
00:04:47.52\00:04:48.85
Oh, yeah. Yes.
00:04:48.88\00:04:50.22
Grownups.
00:04:50.25\00:04:51.59
And Israel is
actually a lot taller than that
00:04:51.62\00:04:53.19
even now, he's
probably about 6'1.
00:04:53.22\00:04:57.06
Oh, wow. He's
taller than his dad.
00:04:57.09\00:04:58.59
Wow! Yeah.
00:04:58.63\00:04:59.96
You see his
growth spurt? Oh, yes.
00:05:00.00\00:05:04.97
Absolutely.
00:05:05.00\00:05:06.40
So, Tammy, tell us what you do.
00:05:06.43\00:05:07.84
I know you're a wife and a mom.
00:05:07.87\00:05:09.44
I definitely am
a wife and a mom.
00:05:09.47\00:05:11.37
And that keeps me pretty busy.
00:05:11.41\00:05:13.27
But I do speaking now,
00:05:13.31\00:05:15.54
kind of endeavored
more in that this year,
00:05:15.58\00:05:17.81
and try to run a blog
00:05:17.85\00:05:20.12
and I serve on the
Women's Ministry Board
00:05:20.15\00:05:22.25
in Michigan Conference.
00:05:22.28\00:05:23.62
And so my hand is in a lot
of little different things,
00:05:23.65\00:05:26.45
as well as helping
00:05:26.49\00:05:27.82
with the
Ministry of Stamena4Life.
00:05:27.86\00:05:29.19
Yeah.
00:05:29.22\00:05:30.56
And tell us about Stamena4Life.
00:05:30.59\00:05:31.93
But before we get there,
00:05:31.96\00:05:33.70
you do an incredible job
with the women's ministry team.
00:05:33.73\00:05:36.00
I had a privilege of
being there this past year.
00:05:36.03\00:05:38.87
Oh, wow.
00:05:38.90\00:05:40.24
And Michigan
Conference there at campus
00:05:40.27\00:05:41.74
above the women's ministry
team there is incredible.
00:05:41.77\00:05:44.44
Wow.
00:05:44.47\00:05:45.81
Just many weekends
and your cohesiveness
00:05:45.84\00:05:48.98
and the organization
and the fun, it was just...
00:05:49.01\00:05:52.35
You did a great
job, you and the team.
00:05:52.38\00:05:54.12
Praise God. The Lord is so good.
00:05:54.15\00:05:55.48
You know, we have
a fearless leader.
00:05:55.52\00:05:57.59
We like to call her Janie.
00:05:57.62\00:05:59.12
And she's just amazing.
00:05:59.15\00:06:00.86
Her personality,
00:06:00.89\00:06:02.22
she makes it so
easy to be creative.
00:06:02.26\00:06:04.13
She loves the Lord.
00:06:04.16\00:06:05.49
And she just has a way
of bringing us all together
00:06:05.53\00:06:08.03
to get it done.
00:06:08.06\00:06:09.40
And it's been such an
amazing, amazing journey.
00:06:09.43\00:06:11.77
Yeah.
00:06:11.80\00:06:13.13
So it was three
weekends in a row.
00:06:13.17\00:06:14.57
I have to say that, pastor,
00:06:14.60\00:06:16.54
I went to the women's ministry
three weekends in a row.
00:06:16.57\00:06:19.81
And I was blessed. Yes, yes.
00:06:19.84\00:06:21.34
It was a great
time, and you do, I agree.
00:06:21.38\00:06:23.55
The Michigan Conference
00:06:23.58\00:06:24.91
has a fantastic
women's ministry team.
00:06:24.95\00:06:26.28
Amen.
00:06:26.31\00:06:27.92
I was blessed even
though I was a man,
00:06:27.95\00:06:30.12
it was good o be
there to support you.
00:06:30.15\00:06:32.25
Thank you. That's okay.
00:06:32.29\00:06:33.62
But it was a blessing.
00:06:33.66\00:06:34.99
Thank you for what
you and your team do.
00:06:35.02\00:06:36.36
Aw, thank you so much.
And thank you for coming.
00:06:36.39\00:06:38.26
I mean, it was
just... It blessed us.
00:06:38.29\00:06:39.76
It really, really did.
00:06:39.79\00:06:41.13
It was such an
amazing, amazing weekend.
00:06:41.16\00:06:43.23
It was a
privilege to be there. Yeah.
00:06:43.26\00:06:44.90
So tell us about Stamena4Life.
What's that all about?
00:06:44.93\00:06:47.64
Well, Stamena4Life is...
00:06:47.67\00:06:50.74
What is that word
called again, Tamra?
00:06:50.77\00:06:53.31
A portmanteau.
00:06:53.34\00:06:54.94
Say it again. Portmanteau.
00:06:54.98\00:06:56.78
I just learned this word.
00:06:56.81\00:06:58.15
And what does that mean? I
need a dictionary right now.
00:06:58.18\00:07:01.02
Well, so tell me what that is.
00:07:01.05\00:07:02.45
What that is is it's a...
00:07:02.48\00:07:04.79
Because the spelling of Stamena
is not the dictionary spelling.
00:07:04.82\00:07:08.62
But it's a
combination of our names
00:07:08.66\00:07:11.89
Steven and Tamara.
00:07:11.93\00:07:13.90
So Stamena4Life and you know,
00:07:13.93\00:07:18.63
through the years God
has been so good to us.
00:07:18.67\00:07:23.07
Our journey has
been an exciting one.
00:07:23.10\00:07:26.44
We've had the
privilege of meeting
00:07:26.47\00:07:27.81
so many different people
00:07:27.84\00:07:29.44
in various different
stages of their lives.
00:07:29.48\00:07:32.51
And, you know,
although it's been a blessing,
00:07:32.55\00:07:36.62
there's always
something that you want to share
00:07:36.65\00:07:39.25
that sometimes you
don't have the opportunity to,
00:07:39.29\00:07:41.96
and then you want
to keep up with people,
00:07:41.99\00:07:44.43
and sometimes you lose
track of where they are,
00:07:44.46\00:07:47.00
and so forth, and so on.
00:07:47.03\00:07:48.46
So Stamena4Life
00:07:48.50\00:07:49.83
has kind of been
born out of that.
00:07:49.86\00:07:52.27
My wife and I, it's our
attempt at trying to continue
00:07:52.30\00:07:56.47
to further the relationships
that we've built with people
00:07:56.50\00:08:00.18
to provide resources
00:08:00.21\00:08:01.54
and various
different things like that.
00:08:01.58\00:08:03.04
Yeah, yeah.
00:08:03.08\00:08:04.41
And also to I
think one of the things
00:08:04.45\00:08:05.78
that we wanted to do is
00:08:05.81\00:08:07.85
we are living in a
really interesting time, right?
00:08:07.88\00:08:11.45
With millennials,
00:08:11.49\00:08:12.82
and we have the privilege
00:08:12.85\00:08:14.19
of being able to work
with campus ministries
00:08:14.22\00:08:15.56
for several years.
00:08:15.59\00:08:16.93
So we're always
around younger generation.
00:08:16.96\00:08:19.09
So we hear their thoughts
00:08:19.13\00:08:20.46
we hear where
they're coming from,
00:08:20.50\00:08:21.83
and their thoughts about
relationships of all kinds.
00:08:21.86\00:08:24.33
And we couldn't help
but to just be driven to
00:08:24.37\00:08:27.57
trying to create a space
00:08:27.60\00:08:28.94
where they can come
and get not just answers
00:08:28.97\00:08:31.01
but address some of
the really important things
00:08:31.04\00:08:32.67
that are on their minds as well.
00:08:32.71\00:08:34.78
Yeah. Fantastic.
00:08:34.81\00:08:36.48
Yeah, so tonight,
we're gonna be diving
00:08:36.51\00:08:38.75
into talking about
marriage, relationships.
00:08:38.78\00:08:42.55
All of it. All of all of that.
00:08:42.58\00:08:44.09
So we don't want
you to turn off the TV
00:08:44.12\00:08:46.69
'cause it's not
just about marriage.
00:08:46.72\00:08:48.06
It's about relationships,
00:08:48.09\00:08:49.42
like we were
talking about earlier.
00:08:49.46\00:08:50.79
And we're all
involved in relationships,
00:08:50.83\00:08:52.23
family, church,
00:08:52.26\00:08:54.00
'course in
marriage, children, work.
00:08:54.03\00:08:56.67
And I know you got
some interesting statistics
00:08:56.70\00:08:58.77
on the millennial
00:08:58.80\00:09:00.14
also generation
too and relationships.
00:09:00.17\00:09:01.94
That's where we are right
now for seeing the young people
00:09:01.97\00:09:04.87
and what they're dealing with.
00:09:04.91\00:09:06.54
But what we want to do right now
00:09:06.57\00:09:08.28
is go to some music.
00:09:08.31\00:09:10.15
We have Scott
Michael Bennett with us
00:09:10.18\00:09:12.18
and he's going to be playing
00:09:12.21\00:09:13.55
and singing a beautiful
song and titled Blessings.
00:09:13.58\00:09:16.48
We pray for blessings
00:09:34.67\00:09:38.57
We pray for peace
00:09:38.61\00:09:42.64
Comfort for family
00:09:42.68\00:09:45.75
Protection while we sleep
00:09:45.78\00:09:49.32
We pray for healing
00:09:49.35\00:09:53.96
For prosperity
00:09:53.99\00:09:57.33
We pray for Your mighty hand
00:09:57.36\00:10:00.96
To ease our suffering
00:10:01.00\00:10:04.97
And all the while
00:10:05.00\00:10:08.60
You hear each spoken need
00:10:08.64\00:10:12.64
Yet love is way too much
00:10:12.67\00:10:15.58
To give us lesser things
00:10:15.61\00:10:19.48
'Cause what if your
blessings Come through raindrops
00:10:19.51\00:10:23.42
What if Your
healing Comes through tears
00:10:23.45\00:10:26.99
And what if A
thousand sleepless nights
00:10:27.02\00:10:30.79
Are what it takes
to know You're near
00:10:30.83\00:10:36.56
What if trials of this life
00:10:36.60\00:10:40.94
Are Your mercies in disguise
00:10:40.97\00:10:46.61
We pray for wisdom Your
00:10:58.85\00:11:02.72
voice to hear
00:11:02.76\00:11:05.93
And we cry out in anger
00:11:05.96\00:11:09.13
When we cannot feel You near
00:11:09.16\00:11:14.17
We doubt your goodness
00:11:14.20\00:11:17.97
We doubt your love
00:11:18.01\00:11:21.48
As if every
promise From Your Word
00:11:21.51\00:11:25.81
Is not enough
00:11:25.85\00:11:28.55
All the while
00:11:28.58\00:11:32.45
You hear Each desperate plea
00:11:32.49\00:11:36.26
And long that We'd
have Faith to believe
00:11:36.29\00:11:43.06
'Cause what if your
blessings Come through raindrops
00:11:43.10\00:11:47.17
What if Your
healing Comes through tears
00:11:47.20\00:11:50.71
And what if A
thousand sleepless nights
00:11:50.74\00:11:54.41
Are what it takes
To know You're near
00:11:54.44\00:12:00.08
And what if trials of this life
00:12:00.12\00:12:04.52
Are Your mercies in disguise
00:12:04.55\00:12:11.19
When friends betray us
00:12:11.23\00:12:15.03
When darkness
seems to win We know
00:12:15.06\00:12:19.03
This pain reminds this heart
00:12:19.07\00:12:21.84
That this is not
No, this is not our home
00:12:21.87\00:12:26.41
Is not our home
00:12:31.91\00:12:34.28
'Cause what if your
blessings Come through raindrops
00:12:41.46\00:12:45.49
What if Your
healing Comes through tears
00:12:45.53\00:12:49.03
And what if A
thousand sleepless nights
00:12:49.06\00:12:52.57
Are what it takes
to know You're near
00:12:52.60\00:12:59.04
What if my
greatest Disappointments
00:12:59.07\00:13:03.55
Or the aching of this life
00:13:03.58\00:13:07.15
Is the revealing
Of a greater thirst
00:13:07.18\00:13:12.09
This world can't satisfy
00:13:12.12\00:13:17.99
What if trials of this life
00:13:18.03\00:13:22.60
The rain, the
storms, The hardest nights
00:13:22.63\00:13:27.70
Are your mercies in disguise
00:13:27.74\00:13:32.54
Thank you so much,
Scott Michael Bennett.
00:13:56.00\00:13:57.87
I think that's one of
my favorite all time songs.
00:13:57.90\00:14:00.00
I just love
that song, Blessings.
00:14:00.04\00:14:02.57
And what God
wants to do in our lives
00:14:02.60\00:14:05.14
and even in the midst
of pain or trial or tragedy
00:14:05.17\00:14:09.44
to know that God
can still be working
00:14:09.48\00:14:12.61
even in the midst of that pain.
00:14:12.65\00:14:14.28
I love that.
00:14:14.32\00:14:15.65
We want to remind you
that tonight is a live program.
00:14:15.68\00:14:18.45
If you're just joining us,
00:14:18.49\00:14:19.82
we're talking with
Pastor Steve Conway
00:14:19.85\00:14:22.02
and his beautiful wife Tammy.
00:14:22.06\00:14:24.13
And they are
the Speaker/Director
00:14:24.16\00:14:26.49
for Stamena4Life ministries
00:14:26.53\00:14:28.36
and we're so blessed
to have both of you here.
00:14:28.40\00:14:31.00
We want to put up
our contact information
00:14:31.03\00:14:33.40
because in the second hour,
00:14:33.44\00:14:35.20
we get to put
you on the hot seat
00:14:35.24\00:14:36.81
and we get to ask some questions
00:14:36.84\00:14:39.21
from you at home.
00:14:39.24\00:14:40.64
So please email
us at live@3abn.tv.
00:14:40.68\00:14:45.65
That's live@3abn.tv
00:14:45.68\00:14:49.78
or you can always give
us a call at 618-627-4651,
00:14:49.82\00:14:55.86
that number again,
00:14:55.89\00:14:57.23
the call center is open
tonight is 618-6274-651.
00:14:57.26\00:15:02.36
So if you're in the
midst of a relationship,
00:15:02.40\00:15:04.23
if you have a
question about a relationship
00:15:04.27\00:15:06.74
that you are
currently involved in,
00:15:06.77\00:15:08.57
whether you should
move forward into marriage
00:15:08.60\00:15:10.41
or maybe you're
going through a divorce,
00:15:10.44\00:15:12.61
whatever type of question,
whatever's on your heart,
00:15:12.64\00:15:15.08
it might even be a prayer need
00:15:15.11\00:15:17.28
for a relationship
00:15:17.31\00:15:18.65
that you're
currently involved in,
00:15:18.68\00:15:20.82
feel free to
email those in right now
00:15:20.85\00:15:23.28
and to call those in,
00:15:23.32\00:15:24.89
and we'll get to
them the second hour.
00:15:24.92\00:15:26.55
So since we're
talking about relationships,
00:15:26.59\00:15:28.99
tell us how you all met
and about your relationship.
00:15:29.02\00:15:34.66
Well, we met...
00:15:34.70\00:15:37.50
We actually met
in chemistry class.
00:15:37.53\00:15:41.94
Chemistry. Was there chemistry?
00:15:41.97\00:15:44.67
Well, you know, I tried.
00:15:44.71\00:15:46.34
I tried for the
chemical reaction,
00:15:46.37\00:15:48.91
but nothing, nothing happened.
00:15:48.94\00:15:52.11
But we were in
high school together.
00:15:52.15\00:15:55.98
And that's where we first met.
00:15:56.02\00:15:58.82
And I had a
conversion experience,
00:15:58.85\00:16:03.12
post high school.
00:16:03.16\00:16:04.93
And I had my
mind set on going home
00:16:04.96\00:16:08.46
and witnessing to
a whole lot of people
00:16:08.50\00:16:11.70
that I had gone
to high school with.
00:16:11.73\00:16:13.07
And in the process of that,
00:16:13.10\00:16:14.74
I ran back into
this beautiful woman here
00:16:14.77\00:16:18.64
and invited her and some friends
00:16:18.67\00:16:21.98
over for Bible study
00:16:22.01\00:16:23.35
to my parents' home.
00:16:23.38\00:16:25.18
And the first study we had
was on the sanctuary in heaven
00:16:25.21\00:16:29.72
and Jesus' ministry there,
00:16:29.75\00:16:31.55
and how he longs to
erase the memory of sin,
00:16:31.59\00:16:35.99
not only from the universe
00:16:36.02\00:16:37.36
but also from our
hearts and our minds.
00:16:37.39\00:16:39.46
And so that's how we met.
00:16:39.49\00:16:42.10
And I'll let her tell a
little bit of her portion.
00:16:42.13\00:16:45.33
Yeah, it was interesting
because we both come from,
00:16:45.37\00:16:49.50
I guess you could say,
our beginnings were jaded.
00:16:49.54\00:16:51.74
You know, my home
was a broken home,
00:16:51.77\00:16:53.78
my parents divorced
00:16:53.81\00:16:55.14
when I was
around nine years old.
00:16:55.18\00:16:56.51
And so anyone who goes
through something like that,
00:16:56.54\00:17:00.22
to a greater or lesser degree,
are always affected by it.
00:17:00.25\00:17:02.88
And then I also had some abuse,
00:17:02.92\00:17:04.32
you know, whether
it was sexual abuse
00:17:04.35\00:17:05.69
and some other things
that have taken place in life.
00:17:05.72\00:17:07.49
And so, you know,
when you're in high school,
00:17:07.52\00:17:09.49
you don't always know,
00:17:09.52\00:17:10.86
you know, what
people are going through,
00:17:10.89\00:17:12.56
young people.
00:17:12.59\00:17:13.93
And I remember distinctly,
00:17:13.96\00:17:15.83
though he was not
converted at that time,
00:17:15.86\00:17:18.63
I could tell when I look back,
00:17:18.67\00:17:20.00
that he grew up in a
Christian home, you know?
00:17:20.04\00:17:22.17
And so but later on, you know,
we had a chance to meet up.
00:17:22.20\00:17:26.37
And while he had that
Bible study in his home,
00:17:26.41\00:17:29.34
he went back to college,
00:17:29.38\00:17:31.45
you know, where
you all went to school,
00:17:31.48\00:17:33.25
and I continued to
study with his mother,
00:17:33.28\00:17:35.78
and I love his mom.
00:17:35.82\00:17:37.22
We had a lot in common.
00:17:37.25\00:17:38.59
She had also been through
some abuse and we connected,
00:17:38.62\00:17:41.32
and we continued to study
00:17:41.36\00:17:42.69
and there, you
know, came a point
00:17:42.72\00:17:44.06
where I was
actually going to church
00:17:44.09\00:17:46.66
on Saturday and
Sunday for a very long time.
00:17:46.70\00:17:49.03
Oh, wow.
00:17:49.06\00:17:50.40
Yeah, for a very long time,
00:17:50.43\00:17:51.77
until one day the
Lord was just like,
00:17:51.80\00:17:53.13
"Listen, you
don't have to do that."
00:17:53.17\00:17:54.50
You know.
00:17:54.54\00:17:55.87
So I rededicated
my life to the Lord
00:17:55.90\00:17:58.34
and I got baptized as
a Seventh-day Adventist,
00:17:58.37\00:18:00.38
and from there,
his wonderful mom...
00:18:00.41\00:18:04.61
He's got a wonderful mother.
00:18:04.65\00:18:06.28
Yeah, that's right.
00:18:06.31\00:18:07.65
She says,
00:18:07.68\00:18:09.02
"Steven, that
Tamara is so sweet.
00:18:09.05\00:18:11.52
She is so sweet."
00:18:11.55\00:18:13.76
I said, "Okay, Mom. Okay, Mom."
00:18:13.79\00:18:15.39
But I had already noticed
00:18:15.42\00:18:17.23
how much of a godly
00:18:17.26\00:18:18.96
and Christian
woman that she was.
00:18:18.99\00:18:21.86
And it wasn't long after that,
00:18:21.90\00:18:23.80
actually, I was down
in Tennessee at the time
00:18:23.83\00:18:26.84
working there
00:18:26.87\00:18:28.20
and actually
working with your sister
00:18:28.24\00:18:31.94
and your brother-in-law,
00:18:31.97\00:18:34.24
and I invited her to
come down to Tennessee.
00:18:34.28\00:18:38.05
And I proposed to her there.
00:18:40.52\00:18:42.85
And yeah, it was a weird thing.
00:18:42.88\00:18:45.15
We could tell that
story some other time.
00:18:45.19\00:18:48.26
'Cause we really
didn't date like, you know,
00:18:48.29\00:18:50.89
we both came to understand that
00:18:50.93\00:18:54.53
we needed to do
things differently.
00:18:54.56\00:18:56.30
You know, neither one of us,
00:18:56.33\00:18:58.07
truth be told were virgins
when we got married, right?
00:18:58.10\00:19:00.97
Because of where
we came from in life,
00:19:01.00\00:19:02.50
but we knew that
00:19:02.54\00:19:03.87
if we were going to
do things the right way
00:19:03.91\00:19:06.07
that we would just have
to do things differently.
00:19:06.11\00:19:07.54
And so we really didn't date.
00:19:07.58\00:19:09.64
Then him asking me
to marry him was really,
00:19:09.68\00:19:13.38
you know,
00:19:13.42\00:19:14.75
her response was,
00:19:14.78\00:19:16.25
"But you've never
told me he loved me."
00:19:16.28\00:19:19.42
"And here you've
asked me to marry you."
00:19:19.45\00:19:21.52
Who does that?
Like who does that?
00:19:21.56\00:19:23.19
Which was an
interesting thing. Yeah.
00:19:23.22\00:19:24.99
And then I explained to her
00:19:25.03\00:19:26.90
while getting up
off of my one knee.
00:19:26.93\00:19:29.06
I explained to her...
00:19:29.10\00:19:30.53
He was so
devastated. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:19:30.57\00:19:32.37
One knee, you know,
fireplace was going,
00:19:32.40\00:19:35.40
you know, starlit night,
00:19:35.44\00:19:36.91
we were out at the lodge
and had everything I said...
00:19:36.94\00:19:39.41
Had some roses...
00:19:39.44\00:19:40.78
No, no, no roses.
00:19:40.81\00:19:42.14
But actually, I
invited her to go for a drive
00:19:42.18\00:19:44.68
so I could show her...
00:19:44.71\00:19:46.05
I was deaning at the time.
00:19:46.08\00:19:47.48
So my boys had gone
and started the fire
00:19:47.52\00:19:49.72
and set things up for us.
00:19:49.75\00:19:51.55
So your boys
deans at the academy.
00:19:51.59\00:19:52.92
Absolutely, absolutely.
00:19:52.95\00:19:54.29
And so we get out there,
everything was just right.
00:19:54.32\00:19:57.56
And I'm on one
knee and she's like,
00:19:57.59\00:19:59.16
"But you never
said you loved me."
00:19:59.19\00:20:00.60
I'm like, "Okay." Right.
00:20:00.63\00:20:03.26
And I explained to her I said,
00:20:03.30\00:20:04.73
"Listen, you know,
00:20:04.77\00:20:06.20
I've thrown around those
words loosely in my life."
00:20:06.23\00:20:10.07
And so I covenant with God that
00:20:10.11\00:20:12.57
I would not just go around
telling women that I love them
00:20:12.61\00:20:16.54
or this, that, and the other.
00:20:16.58\00:20:17.98
And I also
confessed to her, I said,
00:20:18.01\00:20:20.95
"Tamara, I'm still learning
how to love the right way,
00:20:20.98\00:20:25.82
God's way,
00:20:25.85\00:20:27.19
but as much as is within me
00:20:27.22\00:20:29.82
and as much as I can
understand what love is,
00:20:29.86\00:20:32.33
I can tell you
that I do love you."
00:20:32.36\00:20:34.80
And then she told me she
had to go use the bathroom.
00:20:34.83\00:20:39.20
So she
disappeared, and left me there.
00:20:39.23\00:20:42.34
And you didn't
know what she was...
00:20:42.37\00:20:43.71
I'm like, "Okay."
00:20:43.74\00:20:45.07
Did you say yes or...
00:20:45.11\00:20:46.44
I didn't say yes right away,
00:20:46.47\00:20:47.81
because, you know,
I was grappling with,
00:20:47.84\00:20:49.24
dealing with the
untruth that I had learned.
00:20:49.28\00:20:52.51
And I had to let
God undo that for me.
00:20:52.55\00:20:54.88
'Cause, you know, when
we grow up in the world
00:20:54.92\00:20:57.02
and we grew up watching
movies and listening to music,
00:20:57.05\00:21:00.12
you think that
the way it happens is,
00:21:00.16\00:21:03.12
you know, they are supposed
to touch you and kiss you
00:21:03.16\00:21:06.26
and you do all of
that stuff, right?
00:21:06.29\00:21:07.63
That's how you
know someone loves you.
00:21:07.66\00:21:09.06
And we never did any of that.
00:21:09.10\00:21:10.73
We were friends, you know.
00:21:10.77\00:21:12.47
And the Lord really
spoke to me in that bathroom
00:21:12.50\00:21:15.07
and He let me know like,
00:21:15.10\00:21:16.44
"Listen, Tam..." Get
back down and say yes.
00:21:16.47\00:21:19.77
And so many words.
00:21:19.81\00:21:21.14
But the Lord really
helped me to understand like,
00:21:21.18\00:21:22.51
"Listen, this is
different, right?
00:21:22.54\00:21:24.71
And you're gonna have
to trust me, you know.
00:21:24.75\00:21:26.68
And this is the thing I did."
00:21:26.72\00:21:28.52
I knew that God was with us.
I didn't have any trepidation.
00:21:28.55\00:21:32.19
It was one of
the easiest decisions
00:21:32.22\00:21:33.56
actually I've
ever made in my life
00:21:33.59\00:21:34.96
to this day, you know?
00:21:34.99\00:21:36.59
And so when the Lord
dealt with me in that bathroom,
00:21:36.62\00:21:38.36
I went back
downstairs and I said yes.
00:21:38.39\00:21:40.93
Oh, wow. Amen.
00:21:40.96\00:21:42.30
Yeah, yeah.
00:21:42.33\00:21:43.67
And how many years
you guys been married?
00:21:43.70\00:21:46.03
Eighteen years. Eighteen years?
00:21:46.07\00:21:47.80
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
00:21:47.84\00:21:49.60
So how many
months after you said yes
00:21:49.64\00:21:52.07
or you asked her to marry
you that you guys got married?
00:21:52.11\00:21:55.24
It was within the next
year that we got married.
00:21:55.28\00:21:57.21
Yeah. Yeah.
00:21:57.25\00:21:58.58
'Cause you knew? Yeah.
00:21:58.61\00:21:59.95
Yeah, I knew. Committed.
00:21:59.98\00:22:01.32
Yeah.
00:22:01.35\00:22:02.68
He asked my parents, you
know, he got their permission.
00:22:02.72\00:22:04.05
And my parents...
00:22:04.09\00:22:05.42
They knew before she did.
00:22:05.45\00:22:06.79
Yeah, he asked...
00:22:06.82\00:22:08.16
They almost blew it
because they called her over,
00:22:08.19\00:22:09.86
prayed over her, your
life is gonna be changing.
00:22:09.89\00:22:12.49
And you're like?
And we just want...
00:22:12.53\00:22:14.03
And she's like, "What
are y'all talking about?"
00:22:14.06\00:22:15.70
And so...
00:22:15.73\00:22:17.07
But my parents
were really thankful,
00:22:17.10\00:22:18.53
you know, my
parents were not Adventist.
00:22:18.57\00:22:20.20
You know, to see him step
out and do something like that
00:22:20.24\00:22:23.30
to show respect to them,
00:22:23.34\00:22:24.87
and involve them in the process.
00:22:24.91\00:22:27.51
And my parents
already loved him anyway,
00:22:27.54\00:22:28.94
'cause he was
just such a gentleman,
00:22:28.98\00:22:30.31
you know, so it was a blessing.
00:22:30.35\00:22:32.88
So you all made
some good choices.
00:22:32.91\00:22:35.98
By the grace of God.
00:22:36.02\00:22:37.35
You know, really
into your relationship
00:22:37.39\00:22:38.72
and into your marriage,
00:22:38.75\00:22:40.09
so does that mean
since you said I do
00:22:40.12\00:22:42.32
when you got married
00:22:42.36\00:22:43.69
that the rest of the
journey has been a bed of roses?
00:22:43.73\00:22:45.99
Oh, no, no. No.
00:22:46.03\00:22:48.60
So what are
some of the struggles
00:22:48.63\00:22:49.96
that couples would face
00:22:50.00\00:22:51.33
or that we
encounter in relationship?
00:22:51.37\00:22:52.93
Yes. Okay, okay.
00:22:52.97\00:22:56.40
One of them is
00:22:56.44\00:22:59.97
we talked with doing
pre-marriage counseling
00:23:00.01\00:23:02.78
with couples.
00:23:02.81\00:23:04.15
We talk about
unrealistic expectations.
00:23:04.18\00:23:05.65
Yes.
00:23:05.68\00:23:07.02
It's one of the
one of the top reasons
00:23:07.05\00:23:08.82
why couples end
up getting divorce.
00:23:08.85\00:23:11.49
My expectations were this
00:23:11.52\00:23:13.46
and my expectations weren't met.
00:23:13.49\00:23:15.86
So I'll pull an example,
00:23:15.89\00:23:17.56
we like to throw
ourselves under the bus,
00:23:17.59\00:23:19.46
rather than...
00:23:19.49\00:23:20.83
We can tell a lot of
stories about a lot of people.
00:23:20.86\00:23:22.56
Maybe we'll share
some. No names, please.
00:23:22.60\00:23:24.63
But we'll share our own.
00:23:24.67\00:23:27.30
When my wife came
00:23:27.34\00:23:28.70
and she had come
back from Walmart
00:23:28.74\00:23:32.21
with one of our
girlfriends, Susie.
00:23:32.24\00:23:35.38
And Susie had asked her
to take a pregnancy test
00:23:35.41\00:23:38.31
while they're at the Walmart.
00:23:38.35\00:23:39.68
'Cause I had the
flu, that's what I knew.
00:23:39.71\00:23:41.62
I had the flu. She
wasn't feeling well.
00:23:41.65\00:23:43.28
So...
00:23:43.32\00:23:44.65
But your girlfriend
thought you might be pregnant?
00:23:44.69\00:23:46.19
Absolutely, absolutely.
00:23:46.22\00:23:47.86
And so she gets there
and she calls me outside,
00:23:47.89\00:23:50.99
"I've got to talk to you."
We're sitting in a minivan.
00:23:51.03\00:23:54.33
And she's got a brown paper bag.
00:23:54.36\00:23:55.70
Outside of Walmart?
00:23:55.73\00:23:57.07
No, no, no, no,
00:23:57.10\00:23:58.43
this is back on the
campus at Laurelbrook.
00:23:58.47\00:24:00.37
And I'm thinking
maybe my wife has turned
00:24:00.40\00:24:02.10
to whiskey or drugs
or something like that.
00:24:02.14\00:24:04.01
Holy, no.
00:24:04.04\00:24:05.37
But she's got this paper bag.
00:24:05.41\00:24:07.08
And she's like, "I've
got something to tell you."
00:24:07.11\00:24:08.44
I'm like, "Okay,
what's going on here?"
00:24:08.48\00:24:10.28
But then she pulls
out the pregnancy test
00:24:10.31\00:24:13.88
and she gives it to me.
00:24:13.92\00:24:15.25
And, you know, as a man
00:24:15.28\00:24:17.62
who's never seen a
pregnancy test before,
00:24:17.65\00:24:19.45
I'm like, "What is this?"
00:24:19.49\00:24:21.12
And she's like, you know,
00:24:21.16\00:24:22.82
she gives me the
box or something,
00:24:22.86\00:24:24.19
I can't exactly remember.
00:24:24.23\00:24:25.93
But here's what happened.
00:24:25.96\00:24:29.30
Nothing. Silence.
00:24:29.33\00:24:31.03
When she explained
to me what was going on,
00:24:31.07\00:24:33.27
I sat there and I stared out
of the front window of the van
00:24:33.30\00:24:37.54
that we were sitting in.
00:24:37.57\00:24:39.17
And, you know, my
wife is devastated
00:24:39.21\00:24:44.08
because for her,
00:24:44.11\00:24:45.71
her expectation
is we're married,
00:24:45.75\00:24:49.12
we're Christians.
00:24:49.15\00:24:50.49
This is supposed to
be an exciting thing.
00:24:50.52\00:24:53.46
She thought you'd
be excited. Absolutely.
00:24:53.49\00:24:56.12
And see the other thing
about that story was that
00:24:56.16\00:24:58.56
again, as I said,
00:24:58.59\00:24:59.93
I lived in the
world for a long time.
00:24:59.96\00:25:01.70
And unfortunately,
when I lived in the world,
00:25:01.73\00:25:03.47
I actually had gotten pregnant.
00:25:03.50\00:25:05.20
And I had had an abortion.
00:25:05.23\00:25:06.57
And so coming
from that experience,
00:25:06.60\00:25:08.90
giving my life to
God, and now being married,
00:25:08.94\00:25:11.21
you know, you know that
00:25:11.24\00:25:12.84
this is the opposite
experience to that, right?
00:25:12.87\00:25:14.98
That was so depressing
and so harsh and so horrible.
00:25:15.01\00:25:17.45
And so now I'm
expecting balloons and...
00:25:17.48\00:25:20.72
You know? Yeah.
00:25:20.75\00:25:22.08
And here we are
in the car and so.
00:25:22.12\00:25:23.55
But this is
something that he doesn't know
00:25:23.59\00:25:25.55
is happening in my
mind at that moment.
00:25:25.59\00:25:27.99
Yeah.
00:25:28.02\00:25:29.36
And while that's
going on in her mind,
00:25:29.39\00:25:31.63
I am just being flooded
with an array of emotions.
00:25:31.66\00:25:37.57
Am I going to be a good father?
00:25:37.60\00:25:40.67
Am I ready to be a father?
00:25:40.70\00:25:43.34
You know, like what is...
00:25:43.37\00:25:44.87
How is this going to
change or affect our lives?
00:25:44.91\00:25:48.54
And just am I going
to be able to provide
00:25:48.58\00:25:50.91
and all of these other questions
00:25:50.95\00:25:52.51
that are flooding my mind,
00:25:52.55\00:25:53.88
so I'm being
overwhelmed with that.
00:25:53.92\00:25:55.75
And she has an expectation
for how I should respond,
00:25:55.78\00:25:59.09
not even understanding
what's going on in my mind.
00:25:59.12\00:26:01.79
And I think it may have been
00:26:01.82\00:26:03.16
later on that evening
or maybe the next day,
00:26:03.19\00:26:06.70
when I settled in
and it was kind of like,
00:26:06.73\00:26:08.96
"Wow, God is in control."
00:26:09.00\00:26:11.03
You've been trying to follow God
00:26:11.07\00:26:12.40
up to this point,
00:26:12.43\00:26:13.77
He's got you, you know?
00:26:13.80\00:26:15.14
And so I was
excited and I'm like,
00:26:15.17\00:26:16.81
"Yes! You know,
we're gonna have a baby.
00:26:16.84\00:26:19.37
I wonder if it's a boy or girl."
00:26:19.41\00:26:21.11
But by that time,
Tamara had kind of...
00:26:21.14\00:26:24.58
You kind of shut
down? Yeah, I did.
00:26:24.61\00:26:25.95
She kind of shut down. And so...
00:26:25.98\00:26:29.35
That was one of
the first challenges.
00:26:29.38\00:26:31.82
By the way, our plan was that
00:26:31.85\00:26:33.62
we wouldn't have our
first child for two years.
00:26:33.66\00:26:35.52
Two years. That was the plan.
00:26:35.56\00:26:36.89
Right, Right.
00:26:36.93\00:26:38.26
But this was like
a month after our...
00:26:38.29\00:26:40.46
Our wedding. After our wedding.
00:26:40.50\00:26:41.83
Well, yeah.
00:26:41.86\00:26:43.20
And so that expectations thing,
00:26:43.23\00:26:46.40
it hit us early
on in our marriage.
00:26:46.43\00:26:49.87
And it was only
by the grace of God
00:26:49.90\00:26:51.87
that we were
able to deal with it.
00:26:51.91\00:26:54.44
And God was good.
00:26:54.48\00:26:56.01
That was the first
of many challenges.
00:26:56.04\00:26:58.85
Yeah. Yeah.
00:26:58.88\00:27:00.88
So what did you
learn from that then?
00:27:00.92\00:27:02.65
Because obviously
communication then, right,
00:27:02.68\00:27:04.65
because a month into marriage,
00:27:04.69\00:27:06.62
wow, this wasn't
according to our "plan,"
00:27:06.65\00:27:08.79
two years, you're pregnant.
00:27:08.82\00:27:10.43
Yeah.
00:27:10.46\00:27:11.83
And the communication aspect,
00:27:11.86\00:27:13.19
so how did you
deal with that part?
00:27:13.23\00:27:14.56
Like how did you know
what each other were thinking?
00:27:14.60\00:27:16.77
Yeah, well, we did.
That was the problem.
00:27:16.80\00:27:18.47
We did, we did.
00:27:18.50\00:27:19.83
And I wasn't able to get
a hold of myself and say,
00:27:19.87\00:27:23.81
"Now listen here, sweetheart,
00:27:23.84\00:27:25.51
this is what I was experiencing
and this is what you are..."
00:27:25.54\00:27:28.71
That's not how it went.
00:27:28.74\00:27:30.18
And it actually
was several years later
00:27:30.21\00:27:33.72
that we actually
were communicating.
00:27:33.75\00:27:36.75
And she shared what
was going on in her mind,
00:27:36.79\00:27:39.19
and I was able to share
00:27:39.22\00:27:40.56
what was going on
in my mind at the time.
00:27:40.59\00:27:43.06
And, you know,
00:27:43.09\00:27:45.89
actually, it was about
a year and a half later
00:27:45.93\00:27:49.16
'cause our second child Abigail,
00:27:49.20\00:27:52.33
she came two
years after her brother.
00:27:52.37\00:27:56.40
Not...
00:27:56.44\00:27:57.77
Maybe two years and two
months, something like that.
00:27:57.81\00:28:00.48
So in the build up to that,
00:28:00.51\00:28:03.68
we were able to
converse and talk.
00:28:03.71\00:28:06.28
And, you know, we
didn't want to repeat
00:28:06.31\00:28:09.38
the emotional chasm
that had come between us
00:28:09.42\00:28:14.39
and the birth
of our first child.
00:28:14.42\00:28:16.19
So we were like,
00:28:16.22\00:28:17.56
"Man, what happened?
00:28:17.59\00:28:18.93
What was that really all about?"
00:28:18.96\00:28:20.56
And so one of the
lessons that we learned was
00:28:20.60\00:28:24.07
that she's not a mind reader
and I'm not a mind reader.
00:28:24.10\00:28:27.04
That's right. Right.
00:28:27.07\00:28:28.40
And if she has an expectation,
00:28:28.44\00:28:31.97
she should make
that expectation know.
00:28:32.01\00:28:35.54
She should let me know.
00:28:35.58\00:28:37.61
And if I have expectations,
00:28:37.65\00:28:39.91
I should
communicate those clearly to her
00:28:39.95\00:28:42.22
because it's not fair for her
00:28:42.25\00:28:44.29
to hold me
responsible for something
00:28:44.32\00:28:46.65
that she's never
clearly communicated to me.
00:28:46.69\00:28:49.09
And likewise,
it's not fair for me
00:28:49.12\00:28:50.86
to hold her responsible
00:28:50.89\00:28:52.33
for something that I've not
clearly communicated to her.
00:28:52.36\00:28:55.53
And the thing about
the expectations too
00:28:55.56\00:28:57.27
is that there are some times
00:28:57.30\00:28:58.63
when you express those
things and they're unrealistic,
00:28:58.67\00:29:01.60
but you don't know it
until you talk to the person.
00:29:01.64\00:29:04.04
It's fair to let the person say,
00:29:04.07\00:29:05.51
"You know what, I hear you,
00:29:05.54\00:29:07.08
but I don't think I'm
going to be able to do that,
00:29:07.11\00:29:08.94
you know, or I don't know
00:29:08.98\00:29:10.81
if I'm going to
be able to fulfill,
00:29:10.85\00:29:12.58
you know, that expectation.
00:29:12.61\00:29:13.95
Let's talk about it, you know?"
00:29:13.98\00:29:15.68
Well, that's an area
I may need to grow into.
00:29:15.72\00:29:17.89
Yeah.
00:29:17.92\00:29:19.25
Because and this
is something else
00:29:19.29\00:29:21.22
we talk about,
00:29:21.26\00:29:23.09
you know, the
culture of her home
00:29:23.12\00:29:25.33
was different from
the culture of my home.
00:29:25.36\00:29:26.90
Okay. Yeah.
00:29:26.93\00:29:28.26
And obviously,
when we get married,
00:29:28.30\00:29:29.93
I'm automatically believing that
00:29:29.96\00:29:32.43
we're going to do things
00:29:32.47\00:29:33.80
the way that things
were done in my home,
00:29:33.84\00:29:35.84
and she's automatically thinking
00:29:35.87\00:29:37.64
that we're going to do things
00:29:37.67\00:29:39.01
the way that they
were done in her home.
00:29:39.04\00:29:40.38
So we come together
00:29:40.41\00:29:42.08
and, you know,
00:29:42.11\00:29:43.78
she's wondering why
isn't he doing things this way,
00:29:43.81\00:29:46.88
and I'm wondering.
00:29:46.92\00:29:48.25
And we are biased.
00:29:48.28\00:29:49.65
I think the way that
things were done in my home
00:29:49.68\00:29:51.69
are the best.
00:29:51.72\00:29:53.05
Yeah.
00:29:53.09\00:29:54.42
And she believes the same thing.
00:29:54.46\00:29:55.79
And so communicating
and working through
00:29:55.82\00:29:58.59
what we're gonna do.
00:29:58.63\00:29:59.96
And people just assume,
you know, I think we all do it.
00:30:00.00\00:30:02.70
People would look at us and say,
00:30:02.73\00:30:04.17
'cause we do it to other people
00:30:04.20\00:30:05.93
that we grew up
in the same city,
00:30:05.97\00:30:08.40
you know, in the same area.
00:30:08.44\00:30:09.77
And for goodness sake,
00:30:09.80\00:30:11.14
we are the same
ethnic background,
00:30:11.17\00:30:12.71
but do we have the same culture.
00:30:12.74\00:30:14.08
No, we don't.
00:30:14.11\00:30:15.44
We grew up in two different
cultural contexts in our home
00:30:15.48\00:30:17.91
because every home
has a cultural context,
00:30:17.95\00:30:19.81
how you speak to each other,
how you deal with conflict,
00:30:19.85\00:30:22.92
how you resolve
conflict, how you communicate,
00:30:22.95\00:30:25.45
it all is there in that home.
00:30:25.49\00:30:27.32
And so it could be
drastically different,
00:30:27.36\00:30:29.49
you know?
00:30:29.52\00:30:30.86
Do you say there is...
00:30:30.89\00:30:32.23
Speaking of communication,
00:30:32.26\00:30:33.60
is there one communication style
00:30:33.63\00:30:34.96
that we should
all learn to adapt to
00:30:35.00\00:30:37.40
or can people have
different communication styles?
00:30:37.43\00:30:40.40
Is there like one
correct communication
00:30:40.44\00:30:42.44
way to communicate
00:30:42.47\00:30:44.31
or how should we deal with them?
00:30:44.34\00:30:46.98
That's a good question.
00:30:47.01\00:30:48.34
I would say...
00:30:48.38\00:30:49.74
Let me try to frame this answer
00:30:49.78\00:30:52.41
in a way that kind of
actually answers the question.
00:30:52.45\00:30:56.82
There are different
communication styles.
00:30:56.85\00:31:02.79
And each one of us...
00:31:02.82\00:31:04.16
And I'll use us
as an example again,
00:31:04.19\00:31:07.20
Tamara came with
her communication style
00:31:07.23\00:31:10.47
and I came with my
communication style.
00:31:10.50\00:31:13.54
In our family, what we've
done, by the grace of God,
00:31:13.57\00:31:17.24
is we've actually formed
a new communication style.
00:31:17.27\00:31:21.34
So just like she mentioned
every family has a culture,
00:31:21.38\00:31:25.15
so our family has a culture
00:31:25.18\00:31:27.75
and we have a language or
a way that we communicate.
00:31:27.78\00:31:30.52
And so rather than saying
that there's one right way
00:31:30.55\00:31:33.89
or wrong way to do it,
00:31:33.92\00:31:36.09
when couples come together
00:31:36.12\00:31:38.43
or when people
have relationships,
00:31:38.46\00:31:40.83
there have to be things
within their relationship
00:31:40.86\00:31:43.26
that they build together,
00:31:43.30\00:31:44.63
I'll try to give
an example of that.
00:31:44.67\00:31:46.37
And there was a time
00:31:46.40\00:31:52.61
when we were just
laughing, giggling,
00:31:52.64\00:31:55.61
and playing with each other.
00:31:55.64\00:31:57.08
And out of Tamara's
mouth comes the word...
00:31:57.11\00:32:00.12
Shut up.
00:32:00.15\00:32:01.78
And all of a
sudden, everything stopped.
00:32:01.82\00:32:03.85
Everything. And I...
00:32:03.89\00:32:05.69
So you're having a great
time, you are laughing...
00:32:05.72\00:32:07.06
I have. I was
living my best life. Yes.
00:32:07.09\00:32:09.52
And you say, shut up. Yes.
00:32:09.56\00:32:11.49
And I turned to her and I
said, "What did you just say?"
00:32:11.53\00:32:14.33
And I was like,
I said, "Shut up."
00:32:14.36\00:32:18.07
And she could tell by
the look of my face that
00:32:18.10\00:32:21.70
this was not okay,
but it was so out of place
00:32:21.74\00:32:23.71
because we're just laughing
and having a great time.
00:32:23.74\00:32:26.37
And I said,
00:32:26.41\00:32:27.74
"Well, listen, in my
house you know at best,
00:32:27.78\00:32:33.15
we would ask
someone to be quiet,
00:32:33.18\00:32:35.58
but it's
extremely rude and obnoxious
00:32:35.62\00:32:39.89
to tell someone to shut up."
00:32:39.92\00:32:42.19
And so we did not...
00:32:42.22\00:32:43.56
We were not allowed
to do that in my home.
00:32:43.59\00:32:45.36
And she said,
00:32:45.39\00:32:46.73
"Well, in my home
00:32:46.76\00:32:48.10
we told each other to
shut up all the time."
00:32:48.13\00:32:50.03
And probably much worse.
00:32:50.07\00:32:52.53
And either we were joking
or we were mad or whatever,
00:32:52.57\00:32:55.00
but it was just
a part of the way
00:32:55.04\00:32:56.37
that we communicated.
00:32:56.40\00:32:57.74
So right then and there,
00:32:57.77\00:32:59.37
she and I sat down
and we had a conversation.
00:32:59.41\00:33:03.51
I let her know that this was,
you know, this had a lot of...
00:33:03.55\00:33:08.88
It had a connotation
for him and it did for us.
00:33:08.92\00:33:10.32
Different connotation for me.
00:33:10.35\00:33:11.89
And then we had to decide
00:33:11.92\00:33:13.25
are we going to
do this in our home?
00:33:13.29\00:33:15.66
And what our
decision was is that,
00:33:15.69\00:33:17.39
no, we're not going to use
00:33:17.43\00:33:18.86
the word or the phrase, shut up,
00:33:18.89\00:33:20.96
in our home.
00:33:21.00\00:33:22.33
So that's kind
of how we developed
00:33:22.36\00:33:24.43
a different language
00:33:24.47\00:33:26.07
and how we are
still in the process
00:33:26.10\00:33:27.97
really of
developing a different culture
00:33:28.00\00:33:30.41
or communication
style for our family.
00:33:30.44\00:33:33.48
So everyone brings something,
there are some good things,
00:33:33.51\00:33:36.88
there are some bad things.
00:33:36.91\00:33:38.25
But when you come together,
00:33:38.28\00:33:39.61
whether it's in
a work environment,
00:33:39.65\00:33:40.98
whether it's in a marriage...
00:33:41.02\00:33:42.35
Church.
00:33:42.38\00:33:43.72
Or in a church setting,
00:33:43.75\00:33:45.09
you can formulate a
different communication style.
00:33:45.12\00:33:47.26
Yeah.
00:33:47.29\00:33:48.62
So what about
conflict resolution?
00:33:48.66\00:33:50.29
I think you used
the word conflict.
00:33:50.33\00:33:51.66
I mean, that's in, you
know, family relationships,
00:33:51.69\00:33:54.26
marriage, church, school, work.
00:33:54.30\00:33:58.03
Conflict resolution.
00:33:58.07\00:33:59.40
Yeah. Yeah.
00:33:59.43\00:34:00.77
What's the best
way to handle conflict,
00:34:00.80\00:34:02.14
let's say within the
marriage, maybe within a family?
00:34:02.17\00:34:03.51
Wow.
00:34:03.54\00:34:04.87
Within the family
and within a marriage,
00:34:04.91\00:34:06.41
conflict resolution is,
00:34:06.44\00:34:08.31
I think that's one of
the foundational things
00:34:08.34\00:34:10.15
that you learn very early,
00:34:10.18\00:34:12.65
even when it
comes to our children.
00:34:12.68\00:34:14.72
You know, this is
something even to this day,
00:34:14.75\00:34:16.72
you know, we're
constantly trying to teach them,
00:34:16.75\00:34:19.19
you know, and
coach them through.
00:34:19.22\00:34:20.79
You know, when you get
angry, when you get upset,
00:34:20.82\00:34:22.72
we always tell our kids that
00:34:22.76\00:34:24.13
anger is a secondary emotion,
00:34:24.16\00:34:25.49
right?
00:34:25.53\00:34:26.86
Okay.
00:34:26.90\00:34:28.23
There's normally
something else that is there
00:34:28.26\00:34:30.47
that anger takes advantage of.
00:34:30.50\00:34:32.57
And so what do you need to do
00:34:32.60\00:34:34.60
in order to be
able to express that.
00:34:34.64\00:34:36.81
And so starting
early in teaching them
00:34:36.84\00:34:39.91
how to talk and
that is safe to talk.
00:34:39.94\00:34:43.24
You know, in some homes
00:34:43.28\00:34:44.68
they were never
allowed to say how they feel.
00:34:44.71\00:34:47.05
You know, some
people grow up in homes
00:34:47.08\00:34:48.58
where, you
know, to even speak up
00:34:48.62\00:34:50.65
and say this
hurts me is offensive,
00:34:50.69\00:34:54.06
you know, and so they're
not even allowed to do it.
00:34:54.09\00:34:56.06
So there is no communication.
00:34:56.09\00:34:57.56
Therefore, you cannot
resolve any conflict at all.
00:34:57.59\00:35:00.50
Yeah. Yeah.
00:35:00.53\00:35:01.86
Yeah, there are also two
00:35:01.90\00:35:03.23
extreme responses to conflict.
00:35:06.43\00:35:09.24
One is fight and
the other one is flight.
00:35:09.27\00:35:10.81
Yeah.
00:35:10.84\00:35:12.17
When it comes to conflict,
00:35:12.21\00:35:13.54
some people are more
than happy to get into it.
00:35:13.58\00:35:15.61
They're like,
"Bring it on, bring it on."
00:35:15.64\00:35:17.51
Other people will do
00:35:17.55\00:35:19.68
everything in
their power to avoid it.
00:35:19.71\00:35:21.08
Yeah.
00:35:21.12\00:35:22.45
And one of the
one of the principles
00:35:22.48\00:35:24.32
that we try to share is,
00:35:24.35\00:35:26.29
1 Corinthians
10:31, where it says,
00:35:26.32\00:35:29.42
whether therefore you eat,
00:35:29.46\00:35:30.99
whether you drink
or whatsoever you do,
00:35:31.03\00:35:32.59
do all to the glory of God.
00:35:32.63\00:35:35.16
Conflict is an
opportunity for us
00:35:35.20\00:35:37.90
to actually give glory to God.
00:35:37.93\00:35:40.80
And that's a...
00:35:40.84\00:35:42.30
It was a new concept
to us. Yeah, that is.
00:35:42.34\00:35:44.11
Well, we found out about
it, but we've learned that.
00:35:44.14\00:35:48.44
When we look at
conflict like that,
00:35:48.48\00:35:50.18
instead of conflict being a
war between Tamara and myself,
00:35:50.21\00:35:54.35
conflict instead
provides an opportunity for me
00:35:54.38\00:35:57.55
to glorify God.
00:35:57.59\00:35:58.92
And it may mean
that I have to surrender
00:35:58.95\00:36:02.06
and submit my desires,
00:36:02.09\00:36:03.73
or it may mean that
she has to surrender
00:36:03.76\00:36:05.89
and submit her desires,
00:36:05.93\00:36:07.26
or it may mean that we
need to communicate more.
00:36:07.30\00:36:10.33
But whatever the case may be,
00:36:10.37\00:36:12.17
we first need to see conflict
00:36:12.20\00:36:14.67
as an
opportunity to glorify God.
00:36:14.70\00:36:17.11
Yeah.
00:36:17.14\00:36:18.47
And one of the hook words
to conflict is to confront.
00:36:18.51\00:36:21.54
And again, these are
words that I think for so long
00:36:21.58\00:36:24.08
has gotten
really a bad reputation.
00:36:24.11\00:36:27.05
But in order to
grow, in order to mature,
00:36:27.08\00:36:29.75
in order to become
00:36:29.78\00:36:31.12
whatever it is that
God wants us to become,
00:36:31.15\00:36:32.89
we have to be able
to confront things.
00:36:32.92\00:36:34.82
And so again, in a lot of areas,
00:36:34.86\00:36:38.13
being in ministry
is one of those areas
00:36:38.16\00:36:40.13
and, of course,
being in churches.
00:36:40.16\00:36:41.93
You see that oftentimes,
00:36:41.96\00:36:43.30
we try to use God's word
00:36:43.33\00:36:45.83
as an excuse for
us not to confront,
00:36:45.87\00:36:47.50
you know, humble thyself.
00:36:47.54\00:36:49.10
And that's
good, do those things.
00:36:49.14\00:36:50.84
But if change is gonna happen,
00:36:50.87\00:36:52.64
you have to be able
to confront what's there.
00:36:52.67\00:36:54.74
And so confronting
is not a bad thing,
00:36:54.78\00:36:57.18
conflict is not a bad thing,
00:36:57.21\00:36:58.65
as long as you do
it to glorify God.
00:36:58.68\00:37:01.78
Let me put this
caveat in for somebody
00:37:01.82\00:37:05.05
who's slipping their
boxing gloves on right now.
00:37:05.09\00:37:07.89
You know what's gonna happen.
00:37:07.92\00:37:09.39
You know, the wisdom
and the Spirit of God
00:37:09.42\00:37:14.00
need to lead us and guide us
00:37:14.03\00:37:16.43
into the best ways
00:37:16.46\00:37:19.00
to be able to
bring glory to God.
00:37:19.03\00:37:22.00
The Bible says
in one sentence that
00:37:22.04\00:37:25.57
it is a good thing
for us to overlook things.
00:37:25.61\00:37:28.81
Yeah. Right?
00:37:28.84\00:37:30.18
So there's some times
when you have been offended
00:37:30.21\00:37:34.25
or things have been done to you,
00:37:34.28\00:37:36.08
and your immediate
response is I need to tell them.
00:37:36.12\00:37:39.52
Yeah.
00:37:39.55\00:37:40.89
But it may be,
00:37:40.92\00:37:42.26
and this is why we need to
be led by the Spirit of God,
00:37:42.29\00:37:44.73
that this is not the
time for you to confront,
00:37:44.76\00:37:48.30
this is the time
for you to overlook.
00:37:48.33\00:37:50.43
And so again, going back
to that primary principle,
00:37:50.47\00:37:54.54
Lord, how can I
bring glory to You
00:37:54.57\00:37:57.27
in this situation?
00:37:57.31\00:37:58.64
And it may be, God says,
00:37:58.67\00:38:00.01
you need to go to
speak to your brother
00:38:00.04\00:38:01.54
or your sister
00:38:01.58\00:38:02.91
right now about this thing,
00:38:02.94\00:38:04.28
or you need to
speak to them next week,
00:38:04.31\00:38:05.78
or God may say,
00:38:05.81\00:38:07.15
overlook it this time, you know?
00:38:07.18\00:38:09.98
That's powerful.
00:38:10.02\00:38:11.35
I was thinking back to
our first year of marriage,
00:38:11.39\00:38:13.72
'cause we're 17
years next month.
00:38:13.76\00:38:15.32
That's right.
00:38:15.36\00:38:16.69
And we entered marriage,
this is telling on us now.
00:38:16.73\00:38:20.76
I should say, I entered it
00:38:20.80\00:38:23.26
thinking that I
would communicate well.
00:38:23.30\00:38:26.87
And it's just
strange how you think that.
00:38:26.90\00:38:28.54
But you just think, okay, Jill,
00:38:28.57\00:38:29.90
you are verbal and
you know how to talk
00:38:29.94\00:38:31.27
and I'll be able to communicate
00:38:31.31\00:38:32.91
and maybe Greg's
gonna struggle with that.
00:38:32.94\00:38:35.14
I don't know, it was
just a mental thought.
00:38:35.18\00:38:37.35
And I really didn't know.
00:38:37.38\00:38:38.71
But we entered our
first year of marriage
00:38:38.75\00:38:40.35
and I remember
many times, me thinking,
00:38:40.38\00:38:45.09
"I should overlook, I
should not do conflict,
00:38:45.12\00:38:47.72
I should may not even knowing
00:38:47.76\00:38:49.89
how to express
what I felt inside,
00:38:49.92\00:38:51.49
not even
understanding or thinking
00:38:51.53\00:38:54.20
the Christian thing to do
00:38:54.23\00:38:56.46
is I shouldn't be feeling upset,
00:38:56.50\00:38:58.33
or I shouldn't be
feeling hurt by that
00:38:58.37\00:39:00.14
or I shouldn't be whatever."
00:39:00.17\00:39:01.50
So then I would just
stuff and stuff again.
00:39:01.54\00:39:05.87
And Greg was very good at,
00:39:05.91\00:39:07.24
"Okay, let's talk about it,
let's address this, let's..."
00:39:07.28\00:39:10.98
You know, so I'd go
like a whole month in stuff
00:39:11.01\00:39:13.08
and then I'd have a
little meltdown and cry a bit.
00:39:13.11\00:39:16.12
And he would say,
"What in the world!"
00:39:16.15\00:39:18.52
Oh, well this and this and this.
00:39:18.55\00:39:20.19
Well, there's a whole bunch.
00:39:20.22\00:39:21.56
So I learned,
00:39:21.59\00:39:22.92
"Jill, you need to communicate.
00:39:22.96\00:39:24.29
And it's okay to
talk about that stuff."
00:39:24.33\00:39:26.86
You know, that was...
00:39:26.90\00:39:28.23
I think expectations.
00:39:28.26\00:39:29.60
You know, you're
talking about that,
00:39:29.63\00:39:30.97
you know, Jill and I be,
00:39:31.00\00:39:32.33
you know, we're
gonna have a nice evening,
00:39:32.37\00:39:33.70
we're gonna go
out to eat, right?
00:39:33.74\00:39:35.07
So then she's like,
00:39:35.10\00:39:36.44
"Where would you like to eat?
00:39:36.47\00:39:37.81
You know, where
would you like to eat?"
00:39:37.84\00:39:39.17
Well, you
know... You guys do that.
00:39:39.21\00:39:40.54
And so then I'm like,
you know, let's go to...
00:39:40.58\00:39:42.01
I'm going to...
00:39:42.04\00:39:43.38
Well, maybe I
shouldn't mention restaurants.
00:39:43.41\00:39:44.75
So anyway, let's go to
this particular restaurant.
00:39:44.78\00:39:46.31
And then it's like,
00:39:46.35\00:39:49.28
"Aren't you happy
00:39:49.32\00:39:50.65
that we're going
to this restaurant?"
00:39:50.69\00:39:52.02
Okay.
00:39:52.05\00:39:53.39
I thought you said wherever.
00:39:53.42\00:39:54.76
And then she's like,
"Yeah, wherever you want to go."
00:39:54.79\00:39:56.12
Well, I thought
you didn't really care.
00:39:56.16\00:39:57.89
Well, so then what ended up
supposed to be kind of a nice,
00:39:57.93\00:40:00.00
you know, evening.
00:40:00.03\00:40:01.46
You know, it can kind
of be a little bit awkward.
00:40:01.50\00:40:03.77
Just a bit. Yeah.
00:40:03.80\00:40:05.13
It's interesting, though,
the expectation sometimes like,
00:40:05.17\00:40:07.07
you know, in my
mind, I'm thinking,
00:40:07.10\00:40:09.00
"Okay, she doesn't really
care where we're going to eat,
00:40:09.04\00:40:11.01
so let me pick this one."
00:40:11.04\00:40:12.64
And in her mind she's thinking,
00:40:12.67\00:40:14.01
"You know exactly the
restaurant I want to go
00:40:14.04\00:40:15.74
and why don't you pick
that restaurant, you know?"
00:40:15.78\00:40:18.21
So it's just interesting.
00:40:18.25\00:40:19.58
And then dealing
with that conflict.
00:40:19.61\00:40:20.95
Yes.
00:40:20.98\00:40:22.32
And for us,
00:40:22.35\00:40:23.69
it really ends up being
the communication aspect
00:40:23.72\00:40:25.05
'cause we're not the type,
00:40:25.09\00:40:26.42
neither one of our
sides of the family
00:40:26.45\00:40:27.79
when we have a
discussion raised voices,
00:40:27.82\00:40:29.72
you know, were
more just discuss.
00:40:29.76\00:40:31.89
You know, but for us
we didn't always discuss.
00:40:31.93\00:40:34.73
And so we found
that was very important
00:40:34.76\00:40:36.50
for our marriage
was to communicate.
00:40:36.53\00:40:39.33
Yes.
00:40:39.37\00:40:40.70
You know, I'm
thinking about you guys
00:40:40.74\00:40:42.07
for finding out you're pregnant.
00:40:42.10\00:40:43.44
You know, you're just...
00:40:43.47\00:40:44.81
She doesn't know
what you're thinking.
00:40:44.84\00:40:46.17
You know, you don't
know what she's thinking.
00:40:46.21\00:40:47.54
But yeah, but then
built the communicate
00:40:47.58\00:40:48.91
and share that's we can grow.
00:40:48.94\00:40:50.65
It's really a big deal.
00:40:50.68\00:40:53.48
I was thinking
as you were talking,
00:40:53.52\00:40:55.78
because my wife
and I are both...
00:40:55.82\00:40:59.62
We both have passive
aggressive tendencies.
00:40:59.65\00:41:02.16
Yeah.
00:41:02.19\00:41:03.53
That means that,
00:41:03.56\00:41:05.73
like you mentioned
in your families that,
00:41:05.76\00:41:08.83
like, I'm not a loud person.
00:41:08.86\00:41:10.60
I'm not going to
try to over talk,
00:41:10.63\00:41:12.80
I'm not going to shout,
I'm not gonna call names.
00:41:12.83\00:41:16.20
That's just not the way
things are gonna happen.
00:41:16.24\00:41:18.77
Yes. And my wife...
00:41:18.81\00:41:20.14
Me, I'm loud and...
00:41:20.18\00:41:23.61
Lively.
00:41:23.65\00:41:25.31
But over the years...
00:41:25.35\00:41:27.02
God has been good.
Yes, God has been good.
00:41:27.05\00:41:28.75
So both of us will tend to say,
00:41:28.78\00:41:31.32
"Okay, let me back
off. Let me back off."
00:41:31.35\00:41:34.59
And in those
instances what happens is that
00:41:34.62\00:41:38.89
what we've suppressed,
00:41:38.93\00:41:40.46
it ends up coming up and some...
00:41:40.50\00:41:43.06
Most unopportunately.
00:41:43.10\00:41:44.43
Right. And so...
00:41:44.47\00:41:45.83
Right, I've been pressing
down, pressing down all week.
00:41:45.87\00:41:48.90
And then, you know,
00:41:48.94\00:41:50.31
when she comes in
00:41:50.34\00:41:51.81
and I ask her a question and I,
00:41:51.84\00:41:54.41
"Oh, why did you
make beans again?"
00:41:54.44\00:41:57.65
And she just...
00:41:57.68\00:41:59.51
You know, and it's like
where did that come from?
00:41:59.55\00:42:02.18
And it's not the
question about the beans,
00:42:02.22\00:42:04.85
but it's all the suppressing
00:42:04.89\00:42:06.65
without actually letting me know
00:42:06.69\00:42:08.26
how she's feeling.
00:42:08.29\00:42:09.62
So the passive is gone,
00:42:09.66\00:42:11.39
and now is the rest of the time.
00:42:11.43\00:42:14.10
Yeah, yeah.
00:42:14.13\00:42:15.60
So you noticed on the screen,
00:42:15.63\00:42:17.07
we're putting up
the little lower third,
00:42:17.10\00:42:19.40
we call it for
questions and comments,
00:42:19.43\00:42:21.54
'cause the second hour,
00:42:21.57\00:42:22.90
we're only 15
minutes from the second hour
00:42:22.94\00:42:24.57
where we're hoping
to in the second hour
00:42:24.61\00:42:26.37
to be able to
get some questions.
00:42:26.41\00:42:27.74
Of course, Pastor
Steve and his wife Tammy,
00:42:27.78\00:42:30.18
do marriage seminars.
00:42:30.21\00:42:31.85
And so the Lord has
given them a lot of wisdom
00:42:31.88\00:42:34.45
and they've experienced
a lot, and counseled with,
00:42:34.48\00:42:36.52
I don't know, many,
many couples and families.
00:42:36.55\00:42:39.12
So we want to encourage you,
00:42:39.15\00:42:40.49
you know, live@3abn.tv
00:42:40.52\00:42:43.09
or you can call
us at 618-627-4651.
00:42:43.12\00:42:47.93
So I don't know
00:42:47.96\00:42:49.30
if we can put you on
the spot for a moment
00:42:49.33\00:42:50.67
and see if maybe
we could role-play,
00:42:50.70\00:42:53.07
maybe some sort of conflict.
00:42:53.10\00:42:55.37
Wow. I don't know if...
00:42:55.40\00:42:56.77
What do you do in
your marriage seminars
00:42:56.81\00:42:58.14
that would be something...
00:42:58.17\00:42:59.71
Or role-play something else.
00:42:59.74\00:43:01.84
But if you could
role-play something for us,
00:43:01.88\00:43:04.11
kind of show us
00:43:04.15\00:43:05.48
what it would
look like worked out.
00:43:05.51\00:43:08.48
Go ahead. You start up. Okay.
00:43:08.52\00:43:12.72
Oh, man.
00:43:12.75\00:43:14.09
You know, I've been
working on this website
00:43:14.12\00:43:16.12
for the last couple of days
and there's just been so much.
00:43:16.16\00:43:19.39
But you know what,
I'm finally to the point
00:43:19.43\00:43:21.23
where I think
I'm done, you know?
00:43:21.26\00:43:22.76
Oh, let me take a
look at it for you.
00:43:22.80\00:43:24.13
Let me take a
look at it. I said...
00:43:24.17\00:43:25.53
Yeah, okay, but
I just said, I'm...
00:43:25.57\00:43:27.14
I just want to look at
it and see how it looks.
00:43:27.17\00:43:28.80
Let me look at it.
00:43:28.84\00:43:30.27
Okay? Okay, here you go.
00:43:30.31\00:43:31.77
Okay, here. Oh, what is this?
00:43:31.81\00:43:33.64
This is a video? Yeah, that...
00:43:33.68\00:43:35.54
Oh, then let me press play.
00:43:35.58\00:43:37.45
Whoa! I'm not quite...
00:43:37.48\00:43:40.15
Why did you put
that music there?
00:43:40.18\00:43:41.52
I'm not done yet.
00:43:43.59\00:43:44.95
You know, I'm just...
00:43:44.99\00:43:46.35
Why did you choose that music?
00:43:46.39\00:43:47.72
I like it.
00:43:47.76\00:43:49.09
I thought that it would be okay.
00:43:49.12\00:43:50.53
Yeah. Oh, okay.
00:43:50.56\00:43:52.36
And by the way, you
misspelled this right here.
00:43:52.39\00:43:53.73
Excuse me.
That's okay. Thank you.
00:43:53.76\00:43:56.13
Hey.
00:43:56.16\00:43:57.80
I'm just trying to help. Mm-mm.
00:43:57.83\00:43:59.63
No, that's okay.
00:43:59.67\00:44:01.97
I can't believe this.
00:44:02.00\00:44:03.34
Honestly, I spent all
this time working on this thing
00:44:03.37\00:44:05.77
and he's just gonna come along
00:44:05.81\00:44:07.14
and just undo everything
that I did everything.
00:44:07.18\00:44:10.28
I can't do anything right,
but that's okay, that's okay.
00:44:10.31\00:44:13.21
Just like last
week when I talked about
00:44:13.25\00:44:14.58
going to Taco Bell
and, you know, it's okay.
00:44:14.62\00:44:16.99
I'm just... No.
00:44:17.02\00:44:18.35
Tamara, are you all right?
00:44:18.39\00:44:20.19
I'm fine.
00:44:20.22\00:44:23.66
Well, you...
00:44:23.69\00:44:25.03
You took the computer away
00:44:25.06\00:44:27.10
and now you're not
saying anything to me.
00:44:27.13\00:44:28.46
I'm saying.
00:44:28.50\00:44:29.83
I'm talking to you,
I'm sitting right here.
00:44:29.86\00:44:31.20
But you haven't
said anything to me.
00:44:31.23\00:44:32.57
I'm fine. I'm
talking. I'm good. How are you?
00:44:32.60\00:44:36.67
What just happened?
I cannot believe him.
00:44:36.71\00:44:39.31
What just happened?
00:44:39.34\00:44:40.68
You know that just
happened the day actually.
00:44:44.75\00:44:47.42
So... That was just...
00:44:47.45\00:44:49.08
It's a work in
progress. Breaking news.
00:44:49.12\00:44:50.95
That was just the way.
00:44:51.49\00:44:52.82
And I'm gonna say that
happens in many families.
00:44:52.85\00:44:56.22
Thank you for being
authentic. Yeah, that's how...
00:44:56.26\00:44:57.96
I just want to say that
00:44:57.99\00:44:59.33
some people hide
behind the pastor thing.
00:44:59.36\00:45:01.36
Okay, "I'm a
pastor, I'm a pastor's wife.
00:45:01.40\00:45:03.60
I work in women's ministry
and we have it all together, "
00:45:03.63\00:45:06.84
but you guys are authentic.
00:45:06.87\00:45:09.14
And I think that really
helps people to realize,
00:45:09.17\00:45:11.07
"Okay, this is me too."
00:45:11.11\00:45:12.87
And then how can God work in it?
00:45:12.91\00:45:14.44
I'm sorry, I interrupted you.
00:45:14.48\00:45:15.81
No, no, no, I was just
gonna ask what happened?
00:45:15.84\00:45:17.51
What happened?
00:45:17.55\00:45:18.88
So I'm so
thankful to have learned,
00:45:18.91\00:45:22.78
learning it and doing
it two different things.
00:45:22.82\00:45:25.09
But it's just been recently,
00:45:25.12\00:45:26.59
probably within
the last this year
00:45:26.62\00:45:28.42
that we've reached a
point where we realized,
00:45:28.46\00:45:30.23
you know what, the
minute that something happens,
00:45:30.26\00:45:32.39
analyze your feelings, right?
00:45:32.43\00:45:34.76
So I had to stop for a
minute when it was happening
00:45:34.80\00:45:36.90
because I was having self-talk.
00:45:36.93\00:45:38.27
We talk to
people a lot about that.
00:45:38.30\00:45:39.63
The self-talk
00:45:39.67\00:45:41.00
when you saw me
doing this was up here.
00:45:41.04\00:45:42.37
It wasn't to him.
00:45:42.40\00:45:43.74
It was to myself.
00:45:43.77\00:45:45.11
That is one of the most
dangerous things that we do.
00:45:45.14\00:45:47.44
We don't talk to the
person, we talk to ourselves.
00:45:47.48\00:45:50.05
And you know
what the Bible says,
00:45:50.08\00:45:51.41
the heart is deceitful
and desperately wicked,
00:45:51.45\00:45:54.78
and above all
thing, who can know it.
00:45:54.82\00:45:56.48
And so having that
conversation with myself,
00:45:56.52\00:45:59.72
drawing from past experiences.
00:45:59.75\00:46:01.42
You know, sometimes we
don't want to let people
00:46:01.46\00:46:03.93
live out of the shadow,
00:46:03.96\00:46:05.59
you know, and
that's what was happening.
00:46:05.63\00:46:07.46
I was having a moment to myself,
00:46:07.50\00:46:09.46
I was speaking lies to myself.
00:46:09.50\00:46:11.77
All he did was ask a question,
00:46:11.80\00:46:13.64
he did not tell me that
what I did was horrible,
00:46:13.67\00:46:16.17
he did not tell me
that he wasn't grateful.
00:46:16.20\00:46:18.41
It was none of those things.
00:46:18.44\00:46:19.81
And, you know, I
brought that to the table,
00:46:19.84\00:46:22.01
he didn't give that to me.
00:46:22.04\00:46:23.38
That was something I actually
brought into the marriage.
00:46:23.41\00:46:24.88
And what I mean by that is
00:46:24.91\00:46:26.35
is the struggle with self-doubt,
00:46:26.38\00:46:28.68
the struggle with
being good enough, you know.
00:46:28.72\00:46:31.09
And so that is something
00:46:31.12\00:46:32.75
I'm constantly having to
give to God all the time daily,
00:46:32.79\00:46:36.09
because if I don't,
00:46:36.12\00:46:37.46
I'll fall into the trap of that.
00:46:37.49\00:46:39.26
Every time he
says something to me,
00:46:39.29\00:46:40.63
or sometimes my
children will say,
00:46:40.66\00:46:42.23
"Mom, are you
making that again?"
00:46:42.26\00:46:44.03
You know, and I'm like,
00:46:44.07\00:46:45.40
"Ah, these kids,
they're ungrateful,"
00:46:45.43\00:46:46.77
you know? And that's
really not what's happening.
00:46:46.80\00:46:48.20
Right.
00:46:48.24\00:46:49.57
Now the truth be told,
00:46:49.60\00:46:51.01
I have been
hypercritical before.
00:46:51.04\00:46:52.57
Well, that's true too.
00:46:52.61\00:46:53.94
And I have been
judgmental before,
00:46:53.98\00:46:56.85
but what Tammy,
00:46:56.88\00:46:59.65
what she was
referring to when she said,
00:46:59.68\00:47:01.55
allowing people to live
outside of their shadow,
00:47:01.58\00:47:04.22
what she referred to,
00:47:04.25\00:47:05.59
what she was referring to is
00:47:05.62\00:47:07.32
just because I've
done something in the past,
00:47:07.36\00:47:10.99
we have to be able to
give one another an opportunity
00:47:11.03\00:47:13.70
to be different today, right?
00:47:13.73\00:47:16.20
Oh, that's good.
00:47:16.23\00:47:17.57
And not interpret
00:47:17.60\00:47:18.93
what they're
saying or doing today
00:47:18.97\00:47:21.17
based on what
they've done in the past.
00:47:21.20\00:47:24.01
And so if we don't do that,
00:47:24.04\00:47:27.01
then we're communicating
with the person shadow
00:47:27.04\00:47:29.94
and not with
the real individual.
00:47:29.98\00:47:33.21
And we're not
allowing them to grow,
00:47:33.25\00:47:34.82
not allowing them to
mature, so forth and so on.
00:47:34.85\00:47:37.72
So I have to claim
some responsibility.
00:47:37.75\00:47:40.36
But the beautiful thing
about what happened today is
00:47:40.39\00:47:43.12
once her claws retracted,
00:47:43.16\00:47:45.76
and her fangs were drawn back
00:47:45.79\00:47:49.60
then I
approached her and I said,
00:47:49.63\00:47:51.33
"Tamara, I said something."
00:47:51.37\00:47:53.03
Something just happened
and I had to reassure her.
00:47:53.07\00:47:55.90
That listen,
00:47:55.94\00:47:57.27
I said and I had to
speak in affirming ways.
00:47:57.31\00:47:59.81
I said,
00:47:59.84\00:48:01.18
"Tamara, listen, I appreciate
everything that you've done.
00:48:01.21\00:48:04.05
And I know you've put a
lot of hard work into this,
00:48:04.08\00:48:06.61
and I know that you have been,
00:48:06.65\00:48:08.18
you know, pressed for a deadline
00:48:08.22\00:48:09.78
and so forth and so on.
00:48:09.82\00:48:11.39
I was not trying to
be critical or anything.
00:48:11.42\00:48:14.92
And I know I can be that way,
but that wasn't my intention.
00:48:14.96\00:48:18.03
I was really just
asking a question."
00:48:18.06\00:48:20.50
And when we talk like that
00:48:20.53\00:48:23.73
then she was
disarmed by the grace of God
00:48:23.77\00:48:26.60
and the movement
of the Holy Spirit
00:48:26.63\00:48:28.67
and the retinue of
angels that drew near to her.
00:48:28.70\00:48:31.74
And she said...
00:48:31.77\00:48:34.58
She began to unpack and share,
00:48:34.61\00:48:37.08
you know, this is
what I was feeling
00:48:37.11\00:48:39.48
and this is what I was thinking,
00:48:39.51\00:48:40.85
and so forth and so on.
00:48:40.88\00:48:42.88
And it worked out
00:48:42.92\00:48:44.59
or else she might be
sitting over there tonight
00:48:44.62\00:48:46.86
rather than sitting over
here or something like that.
00:48:46.89\00:48:49.62
But you know
there's got to be trust
00:48:49.66\00:48:51.29
then in a relationship.
00:48:51.33\00:48:52.66
Yes.
00:48:52.69\00:48:54.03
Because what you're
telling her she could be like,
00:48:54.06\00:48:56.30
"Ah, he doesn't
mean any of that.
00:48:56.33\00:48:58.00
That is not exactly he
wasn't thinking that at all."
00:48:58.03\00:49:00.00
So you have to believe
that what he's telling you.
00:49:00.04\00:49:03.07
How do you
believe a spouse then?
00:49:03.10\00:49:05.21
Because there's someone
that's watching right now says,
00:49:05.24\00:49:07.28
"I have no trust
this man or this, "
00:49:07.31\00:49:09.41
whatever it can be
telling me this and...
00:49:09.44\00:49:11.51
Not at all.
00:49:11.55\00:49:12.88
How do you build trust?
00:49:12.91\00:49:14.25
Like you guys have that
someone can say at home,
00:49:14.28\00:49:17.05
"Wow, I would
love to have that."
00:49:17.09\00:49:18.82
How do you do that?
00:49:18.85\00:49:20.19
I think there are two things.
00:49:20.22\00:49:21.56
I think, one is
allowing a person, right,
00:49:21.59\00:49:23.69
to become different,
00:49:23.73\00:49:25.06
knowing what
their track record is.
00:49:25.09\00:49:26.70
And then the
other aspect of it is
00:49:26.73\00:49:28.20
allowing God to
stand in their place,
00:49:28.23\00:49:30.70
allowing Jesus to
stand in their place
00:49:30.73\00:49:32.33
while they're being made.
00:49:32.37\00:49:34.04
And that's so important,
00:49:34.07\00:49:35.40
because none of us
come into any relationship
00:49:35.44\00:49:37.87
completely whole, right?
00:49:37.91\00:49:39.71
We constantly need Jesus
00:49:39.74\00:49:41.74
to be renewing
us every single day.
00:49:41.78\00:49:43.45
And the funny thing
about relationships is,
00:49:43.48\00:49:45.45
I believe one of the
reasons why God created marriage
00:49:45.48\00:49:48.08
is, to force us to
grow and to mature in areas
00:49:48.12\00:49:51.39
that we otherwise would not.
00:49:51.42\00:49:53.29
And so I know
that there are people
00:49:53.32\00:49:55.46
who go through experiences
and people have hurt you,
00:49:55.49\00:49:58.73
you know, over and over again.
00:49:58.76\00:50:00.10
There are
boundaries for sure that I set.
00:50:00.13\00:50:01.80
And when we talk about abuse
00:50:01.83\00:50:03.16
and when we talk about
00:50:03.20\00:50:04.53
those particular
things, definitely,
00:50:04.57\00:50:05.90
I would never encourage someone
00:50:05.93\00:50:07.27
to just remain
in that situation.
00:50:07.30\00:50:08.64
That's good.
00:50:08.67\00:50:10.01
But I believe when it
comes to character defects,
00:50:10.04\00:50:12.27
trusting that
you're taking it to God
00:50:12.31\00:50:14.81
and allowing
that person to grow.
00:50:14.84\00:50:18.08
And I have to
remember all the things
00:50:18.11\00:50:19.68
that he has
done right, you know?
00:50:19.71\00:50:21.82
I would be lying
00:50:21.85\00:50:23.25
if I said that he's
just a hypercritical person.
00:50:23.28\00:50:25.62
No, he's not, you know.
00:50:25.65\00:50:27.19
We have 18 years' worth of proof
00:50:27.22\00:50:29.26
that there have
been some great moments,
00:50:29.29\00:50:31.06
you know, many great moments
00:50:31.09\00:50:32.46
and have to draw from those,
00:50:32.49\00:50:33.90
you know, and
have to remind myself
00:50:33.93\00:50:35.93
speak truth to myself, you know?
00:50:35.96\00:50:37.93
Yes.
00:50:37.97\00:50:39.30
Yeah. Yeah.
00:50:39.33\00:50:40.87
I think another thing
that go along with that
00:50:40.90\00:50:44.24
in terms of trust,
00:50:44.27\00:50:46.71
and you
mentioned a powerful thing
00:50:46.74\00:50:48.78
about allowing,
00:50:48.81\00:50:51.51
allowing Jesus to stand in.
00:50:51.55\00:50:55.25
And not only that,
but trust takes time.
00:50:55.28\00:50:58.45
Oh, yeah. It
takes time to build.
00:50:58.49\00:51:00.92
And a lot of
times we want our spouse
00:51:00.96\00:51:04.99
or our friend,
our parent, our child,
00:51:05.03\00:51:08.46
we want them to
change immediately.
00:51:08.50\00:51:11.00
Right.
00:51:11.03\00:51:12.37
You know, I told you that
00:51:12.40\00:51:13.74
this offended me 15 minutes ago.
00:51:13.77\00:51:17.07
And so in the next hour
and in the next weeks to come,
00:51:17.11\00:51:21.14
I expect never
to see this again.
00:51:21.18\00:51:22.91
Because...
00:51:22.94\00:51:24.28
And this goes back to something
00:51:24.31\00:51:25.65
at time when I talked to couples
00:51:25.68\00:51:27.75
about and anyone
that we're talking to
00:51:27.78\00:51:29.68
in terms of relationship.
00:51:29.72\00:51:31.32
And that is for us, we
were 23 when we got married.
00:51:31.35\00:51:36.19
I was 23, she was 22.
00:51:36.22\00:51:38.09
And it took her 22
years to become who she was,
00:51:38.13\00:51:43.23
me 23 years.
00:51:43.26\00:51:45.30
In one year,
00:51:45.33\00:51:46.67
we were not going to completely
and totally become new people,
00:51:46.70\00:51:51.84
right?
00:51:51.87\00:51:53.21
There is a process
involved with that.
00:51:53.24\00:51:56.14
And the formation
of character, habits,
00:51:56.18\00:51:58.88
and so forth and so on.
00:51:58.91\00:52:00.25
And so there's patience.
00:52:00.28\00:52:02.68
Trust takes time
and it takes patience
00:52:02.72\00:52:06.02
with an individual
00:52:06.05\00:52:07.39
who you know is
trying to change.
00:52:07.42\00:52:10.49
I always laugh because
00:52:10.53\00:52:12.73
we believe that
sanctification takes a lifetime.
00:52:12.76\00:52:15.00
We're told that
it takes a lifetime.
00:52:15.03\00:52:16.90
But when it comes to marriage
and conflict and relationships,
00:52:16.93\00:52:19.47
we're like, no
that takes three weeks.
00:52:19.50\00:52:22.24
You know, you got three weeks.
00:52:22.27\00:52:24.11
Come on. Yeah, right, right.
00:52:24.14\00:52:25.77
Patience with each other.
00:52:25.81\00:52:27.74
Those unrealistic expectations.
00:52:27.78\00:52:29.24
Absolutely,
absolutely, absolutely.
00:52:29.28\00:52:31.81
There it is again.
00:52:31.85\00:52:33.21
Yeah, absolutely.
00:52:33.25\00:52:34.58
So what about lies?
00:52:34.62\00:52:35.95
You had talked
about the self-talk,
00:52:35.98\00:52:37.32
the negative self-talk,
00:52:37.35\00:52:38.69
the lies that we
believe from childhood.
00:52:38.72\00:52:40.19
How do you know
00:52:40.22\00:52:41.56
what's the truth
and what's a lie?
00:52:41.59\00:52:42.92
How do you know if
you are giving yourself
00:52:42.96\00:52:45.43
the negative self-talk
00:52:45.46\00:52:47.13
or if this is maybe
00:52:47.16\00:52:48.73
no, this is a
conviction from the Holy Spirit
00:52:48.76\00:52:50.60
and I should be following this?
00:52:50.63\00:52:51.97
How do you
differentiate between that?
00:52:52.00\00:52:53.74
Yeah, that's an
interesting question.
00:52:53.77\00:52:56.04
The way I define faith
00:52:56.07\00:52:58.01
and we share this
when we're doing seminars
00:52:58.04\00:53:00.34
and whatnot is that
00:53:00.38\00:53:02.81
faith is believing
what God says about you
00:53:02.84\00:53:06.95
and what He has for you,
00:53:06.98\00:53:09.38
and accepting those things
00:53:09.42\00:53:11.95
as though they are
your very own thoughts
00:53:11.99\00:53:15.46
about yourself, right?
00:53:15.49\00:53:17.43
And that's challenging.
00:53:17.46\00:53:20.30
So in order to be
able to differentiate
00:53:20.33\00:53:22.56
between what's a truth,
00:53:22.60\00:53:24.57
what's a lie and
what's the truth,
00:53:24.60\00:53:26.17
my wife used to work
in the vault in the bank.
00:53:26.20\00:53:28.74
And they taught her
00:53:28.77\00:53:30.11
how to identify
counterfeit money.
00:53:30.14\00:53:33.48
And, of course,
00:53:33.51\00:53:34.84
they gave her
the legitimate bills.
00:53:34.88\00:53:38.15
And she got so good,
00:53:38.18\00:53:39.51
even though she was dealing
00:53:39.55\00:53:40.88
with hundreds of
thousands of dollars a day
00:53:40.92\00:53:42.85
were just on touch.
00:53:42.88\00:53:44.89
She was able to identify
that this is a counterfeit bill.
00:53:44.92\00:53:48.79
So what I would say is
00:53:48.82\00:53:50.33
the way for us to be
able to identify the lies
00:53:50.36\00:53:55.73
is to first acquaint ourselves
00:53:55.76\00:53:57.53
with what God says
about us and to us,
00:53:57.57\00:54:01.10
and what He says He has for us.
00:54:01.14\00:54:03.30
And as we are
constantly repeating that
00:54:03.34\00:54:05.91
we'll say, wait a minute.
00:54:05.94\00:54:07.64
This doesn't sound
like what God has said
00:54:07.68\00:54:10.45
that He has for me.
00:54:10.48\00:54:11.88
This doesn't sound
like who God says that I am.
00:54:11.91\00:54:15.65
Yeah.
00:54:15.68\00:54:17.02
And that is the way I believe
that we can differentiate
00:54:17.05\00:54:21.12
between what is truth and
what are the enemies' lies.
00:54:21.16\00:54:26.59
Lies that we can even
believe about ourselves.
00:54:26.63\00:54:29.40
I have a story if I
can share it with you?
00:54:29.43\00:54:31.27
Oh, yeah. And I share this.
00:54:31.30\00:54:32.63
I was six years old,
00:54:32.67\00:54:35.77
walking down the
street with my cousin
00:54:35.80\00:54:38.44
and my older brother,
older cousin, older brother.
00:54:38.47\00:54:40.81
And there was a
little girl that I liked,
00:54:40.84\00:54:42.58
who lived down the
street the way that,
00:54:42.61\00:54:44.68
you know, a six-year-old
00:54:44.71\00:54:46.05
likes another little
six-year-old little girl.
00:54:46.08\00:54:47.98
She had ponytails
00:54:48.02\00:54:49.35
and wore dresses like
00:54:49.38\00:54:50.72
Little House on the
Prairie or something.
00:54:50.75\00:54:52.49
And my older cousin
said to this little girl,
00:54:52.52\00:54:55.52
she's hanging out of the window,
00:54:55.56\00:54:56.89
we're walking down the street,
00:54:56.93\00:54:58.26
"Hey, I got
something to tell you."
00:54:58.29\00:54:59.63
She says, "What?"
00:54:59.66\00:55:01.00
And he says, "My
cousin Steven likes you."
00:55:01.03\00:55:04.00
And the little girl,
she turns towards me.
00:55:04.03\00:55:07.24
And it was like slow
motion, you know, just...
00:55:07.27\00:55:10.41
And her eyes meet
mine and she looks at me.
00:55:10.44\00:55:14.31
And she says, "Ooh! He's ugly."
00:55:14.34\00:55:18.48
Oh, wow.
00:55:18.51\00:55:19.85
And I just was crushed.
00:55:19.88\00:55:21.52
And I turned...
00:55:21.55\00:55:23.08
You know, the
dust was kicking up
00:55:23.12\00:55:24.89
and I ran, and I just cried,
but a profound thing happened.
00:55:24.92\00:55:28.99
I began to see myself
00:55:29.02\00:55:31.09
the way that little girl saw me.
00:55:31.13\00:55:33.13
And I thought
that the world saw me
00:55:33.16\00:55:35.43
the way that little girl saw me.
00:55:35.46\00:55:37.80
Fast forward, I'm 14 years old,
00:55:37.83\00:55:39.90
in my first year in high school.
00:55:39.93\00:55:42.64
And I'm
standing at the bus stop,
00:55:42.67\00:55:44.31
and a group of little
girls are standing around
00:55:44.34\00:55:46.44
talking and
whispering and giggling.
00:55:46.47\00:55:48.48
One of the little girls
comes up to me and says...
00:55:48.51\00:55:51.45
She is not
little, she's a teenager.
00:55:51.48\00:55:53.11
She says, "Is your
name Steven Conway?"
00:55:53.15\00:55:55.28
I was like, "Well,
yes, I am Steven Conway."
00:55:55.32\00:55:57.59
She says,
00:55:57.62\00:55:58.95
"Did you go to and she
named my elementary school?"
00:55:58.99\00:56:00.96
I said, "Yes."
00:56:00.99\00:56:02.32
Were you in and she
named my kindergarten teacher?
00:56:02.36\00:56:04.73
And I said, "Yes,
that's the class I was in."
00:56:04.76\00:56:07.76
She turned around,
looked at all the girls.
00:56:07.80\00:56:10.10
And she said,
00:56:10.13\00:56:11.47
"All of the girls
used to love Steven Conway
00:56:11.50\00:56:15.17
when he was in
kindergarten, right?"
00:56:15.20\00:56:17.87
Same year, different
bus stop different girl,
00:56:17.91\00:56:22.08
"Excuse me, are
you Steven Conway?"
00:56:22.11\00:56:23.58
"Yes. I'm Steven Conway."
00:56:23.61\00:56:24.95
Did you go to another school?
00:56:24.98\00:56:26.31
I'd gone to, so forth and so on.
00:56:26.35\00:56:27.88
Did you know da-da...
00:56:27.92\00:56:29.25
Don't you remember
me? I was in your class.
00:56:29.28\00:56:30.72
No, I don't remember you.
00:56:30.75\00:56:32.45
And I didn't say
this, but in my mind,
00:56:32.49\00:56:34.22
why would I remember any girls
00:56:34.26\00:56:36.09
because no girls
are interested in me.
00:56:36.12\00:56:38.09
Wow.
00:56:38.13\00:56:39.46
The profound thing
that happened to me is
00:56:39.49\00:56:41.43
the reality
that I had accept it,
00:56:41.46\00:56:44.60
the truth, the lie, excuse me,
00:56:44.63\00:56:46.87
that I had chosen to believe
00:56:46.90\00:56:48.70
based on the testimony
of this one little girl...
00:56:48.74\00:56:52.67
When you're six.
When I was six years old.
00:56:52.71\00:56:55.18
God showed me not
only is that a lie today,
00:56:55.21\00:56:58.55
but it's been a lie ever
since you first heard it.
00:56:58.58\00:57:02.28
And it profoundly changed
the way that I saw myself,
00:57:02.32\00:57:07.16
it profoundly changed the way
00:57:07.19\00:57:08.59
that I believe the world saw me.
00:57:08.62\00:57:10.59
Most importantly,
00:57:10.63\00:57:11.96
it profoundly changed the
way that I thought God saw me.
00:57:11.99\00:57:15.16
And so I think it's
extremely important,
00:57:15.20\00:57:17.90
because those lies go
back a long, long time.
00:57:17.93\00:57:20.47
It sure do. Wow.
00:57:20.50\00:57:21.84
Man, it's powerful.
00:57:21.87\00:57:23.20
I wish we had
more time, but we do.
00:57:23.24\00:57:24.67
We have an whole another hour
00:57:24.71\00:57:26.54
to talk with Pastor
Steven and his wife, Tammy.
00:57:26.57\00:57:28.61
Thank you so much.
00:57:28.64\00:57:29.98
My heart's been blessed already.
00:57:30.01\00:57:31.35
And we hope and pray
00:57:31.38\00:57:32.71
that you are
sending in your questions,
00:57:32.75\00:57:35.08
either emailing them in
or calling us here at 3ABN
00:57:35.12\00:57:38.25
because we know that
the Lord Jesus wants to heal
00:57:38.29\00:57:41.62
your relationships
00:57:41.66\00:57:43.43
and turn those lies into truth.
00:57:43.46\00:57:45.46
We'll be right back.
00:57:45.49\00:57:46.83