Participants:
Series Code: TDY
Program Code: TDY018038A
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00:01 I want to spend my life
00:07 mending broken people 00:12 I want to spend my life 00:18 removing pain 00:23 Lord, let my words 00:29 heal a heart that hurts 00:34 I want to spend my life 00:40 mending broken people 00:45 I want to spend my life 00:51 mending broken people 01:10 Hello and welcome to 3ABN Today. I'm CA Murray, and 01:14 thank you once again for sharing your day with 01:16 us. This is a very special program-a very 01:19 special day. We are happy to have Steve Wohlberg 01:21 with us who is the speaker director for White Horse 01:25 Media, a ministry that does print work, it does 01:29 television work, it does radio work... He's a very 01:32 busy man, and perhaps that is one of the reasons 01:35 why he's here today- to give us a very special 01:37 testimony. So, let me encourage you even now. 01:41 Here's- this is a program you want to listen to 01:43 very carefully. You may want to take notes, but 01:46 you do want to listen very carefully, particularly 01:49 if you've ever suffered from depression, a mental 01:52 attack of the enemy, or someone you may 01:54 know that falls into that category. Steve 01:57 is going to talk about a time in his life, in the 01:59 not-too-distant past where-and we can call 02:03 it assailed by the enemy- but he was taken to a 02:06 very dark place and considered doing some 02:09 very drastic things. He's going to tell us 02:11 some things today that may shock you 02:13 unless you know the story. This is a man-a fairly 02:16 accomplished person for the Lord; has written, has 02:19 held seminars, has done evangelistic work, but 02:21 that did not immunize him against an attack of the 02:25 enemy. He's got some things to say that may 02:28 be considered rather jaw-dropping, and yet 02:31 they are part of his experience; hopefully, 02:33 as he unfolds and unpackages his experience, 02:36 it will help those of you who may be going 02:38 through something similar or something 02:40 parallel to know that there is hope and light 02:42 on the other side. So, we thank you for being 02:46 with us today. Again, let me encourage you- 02:49 give ear, because much is going to be said 02:51 that will be of encouragement to you, 02:54 I dare suspect. So, Steve, good to have 02:56 you here, man. - Yeah. Thank you, CA. It's 02:58 always good to be your guest. [CA laughs] 03:01 - Good to have you. We began a conversation last 03:05 year when you were here for our camp meeting, 03:08 and you were telling me about some things that 03:11 were beginning to disturb you-but of course, I did 03:14 not know that you were at the entrance to this 03:17 dark tunnel and things got a lot worse for you. 03:21 Two things I want us to come out of this program 03:24 with before I turn it over, Steve: 1) is the 03:27 idea that when you come to the Lord, you are not 03:30 free from attack or trouble from the enemy. 03:33 In fact, it almost guarantees that you're going to get 03:35 some pushback from Satan, 'cause he doesn't want to 03:38 let anybody go; 2) that having mental issues- 03:42 when the devil sort of gets in your head-it's 03:45 nothing to be ashamed of. It is something to get 03:48 help for. And 3) that because you're suffering 03:52 or going through trials, it is no commentary, 03:55 necessarily, on your relationship with God 03:57 or His love for you. So if you come out with 04:00 those three understandings in listening to his 04:02 testimony, we will have accomplished what 04:05 I think we both want to accomplish today- 04:07 the fact that though you're going through 04:09 stuff does not mean God doesn't love you; 04:12 doesn't necessarily mean you're in a bad 04:14 place with Him. It's something that means 04:15 you're under attack, and the Lord can take care 04:18 of that if you don't give up on Him and 04:20 don't give up on yourself. Now, I 04:22 want to talk about this book right away. This 04:24 is Help for the Hopeless, and the subtitle is- 04:28 I gotta put on my glasses and yield to 04:29 the vicissitudes of age here because the print 04:32 is a little small. "My escape from insomnia, 04:36 mind-altering medication, dark depression, and 04:41 mental torture." So, this is kind of- that 04:43 subtitle kind of gives us a little view of the 04:47 things that you had to wade through and 04:49 work through and fight through with the help 04:52 of God. Insomnia- we're REALLY going to talk 04:56 about that. Mind-altering medication, 04:58 dark depression and what that means, and then 05:01 mental torture. Handful, man. - It is. It was. 05:05 - Yes. [laughter] - Praise God it is over. 05:09 - Praise the Lord. Praise- yeah. We 05:10 gotta go straight to the punchline-it IS 05:12 over. - That's right. - The Lord brought you 05:14 through. Wanna go to our music really quickly, 05:17 and then we'll just use the rest of the time 05:19 to try to sort of unpackage your story. 05:22 Yvonne Lewis-Shelton. Great friend; someone that 05:26 I had the great privilege of baptizing many, many 05:28 years ago. Now, Dare to Dream general manager 05:32 is going to sing "Wonders Never Cease." 05:43 Ooh... 05:55 I've heard You walked on water 05:59 and opened blinded eyes 06:03 The deaf were made to hear again 06:08 and the dead will called to rise 06:12 Oh, when I gave Him all my heart, 06:17 a greater thing took place 06:21 The Lord of every miracle 06:26 redeemed me by His grace 06:33 Wonders never cease 06:37 as long as I believe 06:41 and place my life within the nail-scarred 06:46 hands that bled for me 06:50 and when I think I've seen is best 06:55 I stand amazed to see 07:01 His glory never ends 07:08 and wonders never cease 07:15 Ooh... 07:28 He still walks on water 07:33 to calm my troubled seas 07:36 and in the midst of thunder, I can hear 07:42 Him speaking peace 07:45 And though some believe His miracles 07:50 are just part of yesterday 07:54 I'm living proof His changing power 07:59 will never pass away 08:06 And wonders never cease as long as I believe 08:14 and I place my life within the nail-scarred 08:20 hands that bled for me 08:23 And when I think I've seen His best, I stand 08:30 amazed to see His glory never ends 08:41 Ohh 08:45 Wonders never cease 08:49 as long as I believe 08:53 and I place my life within the nail-scarred 08:58 hands that bled for me 09:02 And when I think I've seen His best, I stand 09:08 amazed to see 09:13 His glory never ends 09:20 and wonders never cease 09:26 Oh, His glory never ends 09:33 and wonders never cease 09:43 Ooh... 10:04 Thank you, Yvonne. Well done. Wonders never cease. 10:07 Steve Wohlberg, speaker director-White Horse Media- 10:10 is with me in the studio. Steve, I want to 10:11 kind of lose you and let you go, man, 10:14 and try to redeem as much time as we can. 10:17 This was a horrible spiritual crisis in 10:20 your life with physical ramification, mental 10:23 ramifications-as much as a person can go 10:28 through and still keep their sanity. You 10:31 were just under attack. So, walk me through 10:33 the experience. - Sure. It was darkness and 10:37 light. Before I get into the darkness, 10:39 I'd like to kinda go to the back of the book 10:41 as they say. It's in the book of Psalms, as 10:44 far as the end of the story. I read this first 10:48 this morning, CA, and it just really spoke 10:50 to me. Psalm 40, verse 1 and a few verses 10:53 after that. "I waited patiently for the Lord 10:55 and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He 10:59 also brought me up out of a horrible pit and 11:03 out of the miry clay, and He set my feet upon 11:06 a rock and established my steps. He has put 11:09 a new song in my mouth. Praise to our God. Many 11:14 will see it and fear and trust in the Lord." 11:18 That's where I am today by the grace of God. He 11:22 brought me out of a horrible pit-out of the 11:25 miry clay. My hope is that the Lord will 11:29 be glorified and use this testimony as David 11:34 said, "so that many will learn to trust in 11:37 the Lord." What happened in the last summer... It 11:42 was the summer of 2017. It was the worst 11:45 nightmare of my life. It came- it seemed 11:51 like it just hit out of the blue, although 11:55 I'm sure that there were steps that led up to 11:56 it. It happened in 2017. I'm sure that 12:01 there were steps that led up to this crisis, 12:04 but it seemed to me that it came quickly 12:08 and in a very short time. I was in the 12:12 darkest pit that I had ever been in 12:14 in my life. It was an awful nightmare. As 12:18 you remember, I was here speaking at 12:20 camp meeting. Then right after camp meeting- I 12:23 was sleep deprived; one of my flights was 12:26 delayed and I got into my hotel at about 2 12:29 o'clock in the morning. It was a very intense 12:32 time of being here. As soon as camp meeting 12:34 was over, I went back to my hotel, packed up, 12:37 went to sleep, got up, went to the airport, 12:40 flew to Pennsylvania, picked up a rental 12:44 car, drove to another hotel, changed my shirt, 12:49 put my tie on, and raced to camp meeting at the 12:53 Pennsylvania camp meeting-their conference 12:56 camp meeting-and I was supposed to speak every 12:57 night there for a week. It was just push, 13:01 push, push, and then after about- I think 13:04 it was 5 days? 4 days? It was on a Wednesday 13:07 night. I woke up at about 2 o'clock in the 13:10 morning and I couldn't go back to sleep. I 13:13 remember lying in bed just thinking to myself, 13:17 "Why can I not go back to sleep?" Now, I know 13:21 people wake up in the middle of the night a 13:22 lot and I do that too, still to this day to 13:25 use the restroom. So, people would think, 13:28 "Well, what's the big deal?" But, at that 13:32 moment, something was different. I couldn't go 13:34 back to sleep, I had this sense of tension 13:38 and fear-it just rippled through my 13:40 body-and I thought to myself, "What if I 13:43 can't get back into a normal sleeping 13:44 pattern? Will I be able to handle all my 13:48 many, many responsibilities?" I'm just going to make 13:51 a long story short. Finally, when I got to 13:54 the end of that week, I just wasn't doing 13:57 well. I hadn't been sleeping very well, 14:01 I was feeling pressure in my chest-sort of a 14:03 tightness. Somebody found a physician for me, 14:08 a Seventh-Day Adventist physician who came to my 14:10 hotel, looked me over, had me come to his 14:14 office, they ran a bunch of tests, 14:15 everything seemed to be okay, he recommended that 14:19 I start taking some Tylenol PM to get some 14:23 sleep. So, that was really, as I look back, 14:28 how the whole thing started. I started 14:31 taking Tylenol PM, finally went back home 14:34 after camp meeting, actually had to cancel 14:37 my last two speaking appointments that night- 14:40 those last two nights- because I just didn't feel 14:42 up to it. - I just remembered- and not 14:44 to cut you off- 'cause we were talking when 14:46 you were here and you were aware of something 14:50 wrong but it was kinda undefined. You've just 14:53 felt in your spirit that something was 14:55 not right. And, of course, you dashed- 14:57 we're two hours from St. Louis. You gotta 14:59 turn in the car, get into another car, get 15:01 on the plane, go to Pennsylvania, run, and 15:03 then you're speaking right away. And I heard that 15:05 you had to cut that meeting short. So, we 15:07 were praying because you had given indication 15:10 that something- I didn't know if you were at 15:12 the end of something or the beginning of something, 15:14 and it turns out it was the beginning of something 15:16 and things got a lot worse. - That's right. 15:18 I had no idea how bad things were going to get. 15:20 And like I said, it all just happened so quickly, 15:23 so unexpectedly. I started taking the Tylenol 15:25 PM. It helped for a little bit, I slept a 15:28 little bit better, but then I still was 15:30 having difficulty sleeping at night. 15:32 Eventually, I met a woman on a plane and 15:34 she recommended Ambien. She said, 15:37 "When I'm stressed out, I take Ambien and I 15:39 sleep fine." So I decided, "Well, I'll 15:41 try the Ambien." So I took that and it 15:44 helped me for a few days, but it didn't 15:48 solve my problem. And then I talked to a 15:51 couple of physician friends of mine in 15:53 the area where I live and eventually it was 15:56 recommended on a temporary basis that 15:58 I start taking, I believe it was Trazodone 16:01 and then Seroquel, and then things really 16:04 intensified when we were getting closer to 16:10 the day of my son's baptism. My son Seth was 16:14 turning 13 and the day of his birthday was also 16:18 a Sabbath and we were planning on 16:19 having a baptism and I was going to 16:20 baptize him. As we were getting closer to 16:23 his big day, I was just really having a 16:29 hard time going to sleep at night. One 16:31 night, I lay in bed and I was awake the entire 16:33 night. I had never had that before. Never 16:35 been awake at night all night. And so, I 16:39 kept envisioning myself. You know, if I can't 16:41 sleep, I'm in trouble. I could feel the- you 16:45 know, see the bags deepening under my 16:47 eyes. So, I talked to my physician 16:49 friends again and they recommended, on a 16:51 temporary basis, that I take something called- 16:53 I think it's called Lorazepam, which is 16:58 a benzo. It was much more powerful. It 17:02 knocked me out, but it began to mess with 17:06 my head. I tell you, CA, the saddest- 17:10 one of the saddest moments of my life 17:13 was probably about 4 days prior to my son's 17:17 baptism. I gathered my family together. 17:19 My wife and my 9-year-old girl and my- at that 17:24 point, he was 12 heading toward 13- 17:28 my son. We all got together- and they knew 17:31 that Dad was having sleeping problems 17:33 and that Dad was going through a crisis. By 17:35 that time, I had lost my appetite, I had no 17:38 interest in food, I was getting thinner, I'd 17:41 been up a couple of nights in a row, and 17:45 so I gathered my kids together and I said 17:49 to them, I said, "You really need to pray 17:52 for Dad. Dad is going through a real crisis. 17:56 I can't sleep at night. I'm struggling." 18:01 I said, "Seth, I don't know if I'm going to 18:04 have the energy to even be at your baptism." 18:06 And he looked at me and I said, "If I can't 18:08 do it, Pastor Jim will have to baptize 18:11 you," and Seth just looked at me. And then 18:13 I said, "If I don't get out of this, you 18:18 really need to pray for me because if Dad 18:19 doesn't get out of this, if I don't get back to 18:22 regular pattern of sleeping at night, 18:25 I'm in real trouble." - Now, see- just to 18:28 tap the brake a little bit because, along with 18:30 a lack of sleep, some other mental stuff is 18:32 going on as far as depression, so walk 18:34 us through some of- it's not just lack of 18:36 sleep; it's everything that builds OUT of that 18:38 lack of sleep. - That's right. You know, some 18:40 people do well sleep-deprived, or 18:42 at least, better than I did when I went through 18:45 a whole night without sleep, and I could feel 18:47 the battle inside my head. I'm lying in bed 18:50 at night, quoting scripture, sensing 18:53 dark forces trying to get into my mind. I 18:58 was having trouble concentrating during 19:00 the day. There was just a whole host of 19:02 things-strange things that were going on-and 19:04 so I gathered my family together and I said, 19:06 "If I don't get over this, I don't know what's 19:09 going to happen." My daughter Abby-she looked 19:13 at me. She said, "Dad, Daddy, do you mean that you 19:16 might die?" and I looked at her and I didn't know 19:22 what to say. I finally said- I just nodded my 19:24 head. Yeah. I mean, I was just feeling 19:28 really down. And then at that point, she just- 19:32 my little girl- she just ran over, grabbed 19:36 me, started crying uncontrollably. She 19:41 was just- she was in my arms just crying and 19:44 crying and crying and crying and crying and 19:46 she wouldn't stop crying! I was just- I didn't know 19:50 what to say to her. I just held her and 19:54 just kept praying, "Please, God, help me." 19:56 So anyway, because I shifted onto the Lorazepam, 20:00 it knocked me out; I did sleep. I was able, 20:04 all things considering, to have a wonderful 20:06 day baptizing my son, but in the next month 20:11 or so, things continued to deteriorate. I lost 20:16 my ability to take a nap during the day. I was 20:19 exhausted and I would lay on the couch or 20:22 in my bed trying to go to sleep. Couldn't go 20:25 to sleep. And I didn't know why. The medications 20:29 that I was on were just- you know, like I said; 20:32 my mental state was deteriorating. A lot 20:37 of different things happened. It's quite 20:38 of a long story that's inside Help for the 20:41 Hopeless. The turning point came when I 20:45 remembered the conference president in Pennsylvania, 20:49 Gary Gibbs, who knew that I was going through 20:52 this crisis in Pennsylvania. He said, "You really need 20:55 to go talk to Dr. Neil Nedley. He's an expert 20:59 on the brain and he can help you." So, that was 21:03 in the back of my mind. During that period 21:07 after Seth's baptism and as things were 21:10 deepening, I decided I'm going to call him. 21:13 So, I looked into my phone and thankfully, 21:16 I found his number in my contacts. I texted him. 21:20 He texted me back and then I called him. He 21:22 answered, thankfully, in the midst of his 21:24 busy schedule. Dr. Neil Nedley is the president of 21:28 Weimar Institute and he runs what's called a 21:31 depression and recovery program - DPR - and 21:36 anxiety recovery program. So I called him, told 21:39 him about what I was going through, and then 21:42 I told him that I was taking Lorazepam. 21:44 When he heard that, he said to me on the 21:48 phone- it was a game-changer. It was a life-changer. 21:50 He said, "Steve, you've got 21:52 to get down here right away. Our next program 21:54 starts- I think it's in 3 days. You've got to 22:00 get here and I think I can squeeze you in." 22:02 So, I was supposed to go to ASI with my 22:05 family for the big convention. We were 22:07 having our annual White Horse Media 22:09 board meeting, and I told my wife Kristin-I said, 22:11 "I need to go to Weimar. I can't go to ASI. 22:14 I don't even know if I can function at ASI, 22:16 much less be part of a board meeting." 22:18 Now Steve, let me ask you something, 22:20 because we had talked about- had the 22:22 hallucinations and the suicide thoughts and 22:25 the sense of the presence of Satan 22:28 laughing at you-had that begun yet or was 22:31 that still to come? - Not really. And let 22:34 me clarify-I've never been prone to depression. 22:37 I mean, I get discouraged like other people do. 22:40 But as far as depression, suicidal thoughts, 22:43 feeling like there's no hope for me, that was 22:46 not something that is normal for me. - We 22:50 don't see you that way. That's not something 22:51 that- - And it hasn't been 22:53 that way. I mean, I have problems like 22:54 everybody else, but when I was having 22:57 trouble sleeping and then I started taking 23:00 the medications and my mental states 23:03 continued to deteriorate, and sleep deprivation, 23:06 things just snowballed. All of a sudden, CA, I 23:09 found myself in the middle of this crisis. 23:13 I had never dealt with anything like this 23:18 before. So, Dr. Nedley said, "You've gotta 23:23 get down here right away." And so I told 23:25 my wife and she was so supportive. I just 23:28 praise God for a loving, supportive wife. She 23:32 helped me pack, she drove the car to the 23:35 airport... I don't even know how I got to 23:38 Weimar. I mean, I was just- I was really 23:41 messed up by that time. I made my connections, 23:44 got to the airport, I was picked up by a 23:46 young man named Nathan who was one 23:48 of Dr. Nedley's assistants. He drove me up to 23:52 Weimar Institute where the program was, and 23:55 during the drive, he shared with me that 23:58 prior to that moment in the past there was 24:02 a 7-year period where he was on heavy 24:04 medication, he had all kinds of problems, he 24:07 couldn't sleep at night, night after night, 24:09 and he could totally relate. As he was 24:11 driving, he's telling me, "But God changed all 24:14 that and I'm back to normal!" And I just 24:18 thought, "Praise the Lord... Is there hope 24:21 for me?" I guess we'll have to make a long story 24:24 short, but I went to Weimar- and it's Dr. 24:27 Nedley's program- and it's a little bit like a 24:28 health boot camp because it's very intense. He 24:34 takes 20 people. To me, it was miraculous that 24:37 he was able to squeeze me in. I think he had 24:39 19 already registered so there was one more 24:41 slot. He got me in. And not only that, 24:44 but there was a friend of mine that I knew from 24:46 years ago named Andrew Jasper who just happened 24:49 to show up that very session to assist Dr. 24:54 Nedley, and he was a very close friend of mine. 24:57 I saw my encounter with Nathan and meeting 25:01 Andrew at Weimar and having him as my personal buddy, 25:04 I saw all of this as evidence that the Lord 25:08 was doing a rescue operation to get me out 25:12 of my crisis. - Because prior to Weimar, you 25:15 were really laboring under this kind of 25:18 illusion, delusion, call it what you will-that 25:20 you weren't going to get out, that there was no exit 25:23 to this thing. - Well, yeah, and like I said, 25:26 it deepened. I think it was the combination 25:29 of not being able to sleep and then the 25:33 medications that resulted in my becoming 25:37 depressed. I just felt very, very down and 25:41 very discouraged because I didn't see how I 25:43 was going to get out of this. I thought, "My 25:46 life with my family, my kids, our ministry, 25:50 White Horse Media, that God has done so much for, 25:53 I'd walk around in the office before I left, 25:55 look at our television studio, look at my office 25:59 where I've got all my kids' pictures on the 26:01 wall-you know; their little drawings for Dad- 26:03 and I just thought, "Am I ever going to 26:06 get back to normal?" I just got so down and 26:10 so discouraged, and when I got to Dr. Nedley's 26:12 program, they had us go through a series 26:14 of tests and I scored very high on a depression 26:18 test showing that I was then classified as 26:22 clinically depressed. - Oh, wow. - That 26:25 was just amazing to me. I think it was on the 26:28 second day of the program that they did bloodwork. 26:32 They had- one of his assistants did 9 blood 26:36 draws and sent the blood to the lab, and 26:38 when that finally came back, it was very, very 26:40 revealing. Dr. Nedley had a personal appointment 26:44 with him. He sat down, looked at my chart, 26:46 looked at me, and he said, "Steve, what 26:48 you're going through right now is completely 26:50 understandable based on your brain chemistry." 26:54 He saw that my brain chemistry was all out 26:56 of whack, and I should also say that I was 26:58 having anxiety attacks at that point where, out 27:02 of nowhere, I would feel this anxiety, this 27:05 tension. The day of the blood draw, they 27:07 took my blood pressure and it was 196, I 27:12 believe, over 114, if you can imagine. 27:15 - Wow. Wow. - And so, I was really in a mess. 27:18 The whole purpose of the 10-day program is to 27:23 just reset your life. It's a combination of 27:28 a natural diet, of a lot of exercise, of 27:31 what they call light therapy... In the morning, 27:35 they had light boxes that 27:36 we would sit in front of, and classical music, 27:39 and hydrotherapy where we would plunge 27:42 into a hot tub that was very hot and then into 27:46 a bucket of cold icy water, and then back 27:48 into the hot tub, back in the cold, back in 27:50 the hot, back in the cold, 3 to 5 times 27:52 2 or 3 times a day. We'd go down into 27:57 that cold water and come out. One guy, as he 27:59 was going through this with me, one of the 28:01 men, when he came out of the cold water, he just 28:03 said, "Praise God!" I mean, he was just ahh! 28:07 And we were- you know, Dr. Nedley stresses and 28:10 Don Mackintosh, the importance of gratitude 28:13 and thankfulness and praise, and it was just 28:15 a whole intense program. One of the things that 28:18 Dr. Nedley did right away was get me off 28:20 the Lorazepam. He said, "You've got to get off 28:22 that," because he knew, from his experience, 28:25 that those who were on these type of medications, 28:27 they're very difficult to get off, they mess 28:30 with your frontal lobe, and the devil can get 28:35 into the mix and all kinds of things can 28:37 happen. He told me once, "Steve, I knew that if you 28:41 didn't get over here, this was not going to 28:43 end well," and he didn't elaborate, but I knew 28:45 what he meant. So, he took me off that and 28:49 then he warned me, "You're going to go 28:52 through about a two-week period of intense 28:54 withdrawals, so expect side effects." That's when 28:58 the deepest darkness hit. During those two 29:02 weeks- and Dr. Nedley actually kept me for 29:04 another 10 days after the program was over 29:06 because I wasn't ready to go home. So during 29:10 that 3-week period that I was at Weimar, 29:11 getting off that medication, the worst part of 29:15 everything was I went through- one time, I 29:18 went 4 nights in a row without sleep. 29:20 - Wow. - No sleep. And 5:30 in the morning, 29:23 knock on the door, time for exercise. I didn't 29:26 want to exercise when I just hadn't slept, and 29:30 their philosophy is exercise you hard so 29:32 you'll sleep at night. But I still wasn't 29:35 sleeping and I went four nights in a row 29:37 with no sleep. When I was getting off the 29:40 medication Lorazepam, that's when the darkest 29:44 thoughts just came into my mind. I mean, I had 29:46 already lost my appetite, I couldn't take a nap, 29:48 I couldn't sleep at night, I was very discouraged, 29:51 very depressed. I had a picture of my kids on 29:54 my dresser in my room at Weimar, and I looked 29:59 at them and I thought, "Will I ever see them 30:00 again?" I felt like I was dying. I didn't 30:03 think I was going to get out of this. As 30:05 I'm lying awake at night... You know, it 30:10 wasn't like I was actually hearing a 30:12 physical voice, but there were thoughts 30:15 in my head. Laughter. Laughing thoughts. 30:19 Like the devil, demons, whispering to me and 30:22 saying, "Hah hah hah! I've got you now, 30:25 Steve Wohlberg." I would be awake all 30:28 night, and then in the morning, this 30:30 thought would come to me, "I'll see it 30:32 tonight. On the bed. 'Cause you're not 30:35 going to sleep. I've got you. You're done." 30:38 I was just so discouraged. During that whole time, 30:46 there were other th- I felt my fingers 30:48 were starting to curl up when I would eat my 30:51 food, I grabbed my spoon in the cafe and 30:54 my fingers were curling in, I'd look at myself 30:56 in the mirror. Light was not in my eyes. 30:59 I just thought, "RIP. I'm headin' for the 31:04 grave. I'm never going to get out of this. 31:06 I'm just- I'm done." - And this was on the 31:09 detox. This was trying to come off of this 31:12 stuff. - That's right. This was on the detox 31:14 side. And I'll tell you, to make long story 31:17 short, I did not lose my faith. One morning, 31:22 when I had been awake all night and then got 31:25 up out of bed to go exercise, this thought 31:30 came to me one morning at Weimar that said, 31:34 "Don't lose your faith." And then within just 31:39 seconds after that, it was like this sledge 31:43 hammer came down on me-this sledge hammer 31:46 of darkness that just enveloped me. I know 31:50 it was- I believe it was the devil. The Bible 31:53 says, "We wrestle not against flesh and blood 31:55 but against principalities and powers." So, this 31:58 thought came to me in the midst of this 32:01 darkness, "Don't lose your faith." During that 32:04 entire period, what kept me going was 32:07 scripture. There were promises such as 32:10 Hebrews 13. It says, "I will never leave 32:13 you. I will never forsake you." Matthew 32:15 11:28, where Jesus said, "Come to Me and 32:18 I will give you rest." Isaiah 41:10 that says, 32:22 "Fear not for I am with you. Be not dismayed 32:25 for I am your God." Jeremiah. "I have loved 32:28 you with an everlasting love." During my darkest 32:31 times, I felt like God didn't love me anymore, 32:34 I felt like I had no hope, I felt like 32:36 the future was over, maybe I've got a year 32:38 to live, or less. Who knows? I might die in 32:41 my bed at Weimar. But I just kept on thinking, 32:47 "God, You gotta get me through this." It was 32:50 the promises of the Word of God. Psalm 107:20 32:56 says, "He sent His Word and He healed them 32:59 and He delivered them from their destructions." 33:01 Another verse in Jeremiah-I believe it's 33:04 chapter 30:17-said, "'I will restore health 33:07 to you and I will heal you of your wounds,' 33:10 says the Lord." And I just milked that text. 33:13 "I WILL restore health to you." "God, You've 33:17 gotta do that." And one verse that really 33:19 spoke to me was in Jeremiah chapter 17- 33:22 I believe it's 17-says, "The heart is deceitful 33:25 above all things and desperately wicked. 33:27 Who can know it?" And at one point when my 33:30 mind and my heart were telling me that I was 33:34 lost, I was never going to recover... I 33:37 even had in my imagination-I saw 33:41 myself rising up at the end of the thousand 33:44 years in the second resurrection, I saw the 33:46 New Jerusalem and I was on the outside and 33:50 I just felt like I was lost. I felt like I was 33:52 a lost soul. And in the midst of this, the 33:55 scripture came to my mind, "The heart is 33:58 deceitful above all things and desperately 34:00 wicked. Who could know it?" I thought 34:02 to myself, "If my heart is deceitful and 34:03 desperately wicked, then all these things 34:06 that my heart is telling me..." My heart is telling 34:09 me, "You're lost, God doesn't love you, 34:11 there's no hope, you'll never get out 34:12 of this, you're done," that I can't rely on 34:15 my own heart because my heart is deceitful. 34:19 And the devil, working through a fallen 34:22 human heart, this combination-I just- 34:25 I can't rely on this. I've got to rely on 34:28 the Word of the Lord. That's what kept me 34:33 during those long nights. Those sleepless 34:38 nights. Again, to make kind of a long story 34:41 short- I know we only have so much time... 34:43 After three weeks, I eventually went back 34:47 home. Flew back. I don't know how I made it 34:49 on that plane. I had this anxiety that if 34:52 I get on a plane, "What if the plane crashes? 34:54 Am I ready for heaven?" It was just all these 34:57 irrational fears. When I got back home, a 35:01 lot of different things happened, but Dr. Nedley 35:05 worked with me to get me off the remaining 35:10 medications that I was still on. Step by step 35:12 by step, little bit little bit little bit, 35:15 but finally, I got off the la... which was 35:17 Trazodone. I got off the last sleep medication. 35:21 I don't know if it's an anti- I don't remember 35:23 if it's an antidepressant or if it's anti-anxiety 35:25 or whatever it was, but it helped me to sleep. 35:28 So I got off of that and then two weeks 35:31 later... During those two weeks, there were 35:36 withdrawal effects. Various things: I was 35:39 having blurry vision, my throat was sore, I'd 35:42 still have pressure in my chest... But one day- 35:47 actually, prior to that, I was able to take a 35:50 nap. And that told me- and during this whole- 35:55 it was about a 3-month ordeal, I cancelled all my 35:58 speaking appointments. I was just in recovery 36:02 mode. And then, one day, I was able to 36:05 take a nap. I thought, "Praise God. Something 36:09 is happening." And then I was able to 36:11 cry! 'Cause I hadn't been able to cry, and I 36:13 thought, "Something's happening. God is working 36:17 with me." My appetite came back! I started 36:20 getting hungry for food! You can tell, you know; I 36:23 need food. I actually- I was down to about 140 36:26 pounds, or 142... I've since regained quite 36:30 a bit even though I'm still thin, I regained 36:33 quite a bit. So my appetite came back. 36:35 I was able to sleep, take a nap... Little by 36:38 little by little by little, my mood also 36:43 improved. Then one day, I woke up and it 36:48 was like the whole thing lifted. It was 36:50 gone. Now the next day, it came back. The 36:52 depression came back. The sense of the 36:54 heaviness. But I thought, "Alright, well, 36:58 I'll just endure this because I've endured 37:01 so much already. If this is going to go 37:04 away..." And then the next day, it went 37:05 up again, it lifted, and it hasn't come 37:08 back. So there was... I think- I don't remember 37:10 the exact day; I think September went boom. 37:14 It hit. I mean, as far as the- it didn't hit, 37:18 but it lifted. The cloud lifted and it was over. 37:22 - What did it feel like for you to take a nap 37:26 for the first time? Because you had not 37:28 been able to even catch a few winks for months 37:31 or for quite a while! - It was wonderful. 37:33 On the way here to 3ABN, I was in the 37:37 airplane from Spokane to Seattle, and then 37:41 from Seattle to St. Louis. I slept and it 37:47 was so good to sleep. And then I got to my 37:50 room on Angel 1- you know, my little 37:52 Angel 1 room-and last night I slept. - Praise 37:56 the Lord. - You know, CA, I can relate now. 38:00 I can relate now to what other people 38:03 go through. At first, I was going to keep 38:06 a lot of this private. I wasn't going to 38:08 share all this. During the time at Weimar, 38:10 I had suicidal thoughts that I've never had 38:13 before. The thought came to me, "Just take your 38:15 life. Kill yourself." And I look at the 38:17 picture of my kids on my dresser and I 38:21 thought to myself, "I can't- I can't kill 38:23 myself. If I were to take my life, what 38:25 would that do to Seth? What would that do to 38:28 Abby? What would that do to my wife? What 38:30 would it do to my dad? My dad is 89 years 38:33 old right now, and he would be so- he would 38:36 just- if he knew that his son killed himself, 38:40 it would bring him down to the grave. I thought 38:43 to myself, "I can't do this. No, no, no, no, 38:47 no. I won't do it. I'm going to rely 38:50 on the Bible. God, you've got to help me. 38:52 You've got to get me through this crisis. 38:55 I love my family. I want to love You." 39:03 Little by little by little, the crisis lifted and when 39:07 it finally did and I was starting to feel normal 39:10 again, all of a sudden, a speaker-a friend of 39:14 mine-had to cancel a talk in our church, 39:16 our Newport church in Washington- Newport, 39:19 Washington where my family goes. And he said, 39:21 "Steve, I need you to fill my slot or find 39:25 someone." So, I thought to myself, 39:28 "Lord, do You want me to share my story 39:31 publicly?" So, I did. I preached that 39:36 Sabbath. I called my talk, "I Can't Sleep. My 39:40 Crisis - God's Victory!" I showed Bible verses. 39:45 There are so many verses-Psalm 107 is 39:48 another very, very powerful section 39:51 that really, really helped me through this 39:55 crisis. Psalm 107 says, "Oh, that men would 40:00 give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, 40:03 for His wonderful work to the children of 40:04 men. He has broken the gates of bronze; He 40:07 has cut the bars of iron in two. Their soul 40:10 abhorred all manner of food"-that was me- 40:13 "and they drew near to the gates of death." 40:16 That's the way I felt. "Then they cried out to 40:18 the Lord in their trouble and He saved 40:20 them out of their distresses." I circled 40:23 "out"- all these underlying words, "God, You gotta 40:28 do this for me!" And so, when He did, and I 40:32 read that verse in my sermon on Sabbath, 40:34 I shared the story. CA, the response from 40:39 the church members was phenomenal. I never 40:42 expected this but people came up to me and said, 40:44 "I could SO much relate to your struggles." We 40:47 recorded that talk and put it on audio 40:49 verse. It's now on audioverse.org. People 40:52 can search for it - "I Can't Sleep - Steve 40:54 Wohlberg." We put it on audio verse and 40:56 the response was so phenomenal from people 41:00 that heard that talk, they were so encouraged 41:04 by it that God can help people in the 41:07 midst of discouragement, darkness, medication, 41:09 struggle, depression, anxiety, etc., and that's 41:13 what motivated me to put the book together 41:17 because I thought, "Lord, You brought me 41:19 out of this." Psalm 40 says, "Many will see 41:23 in fear and trust the Lord." If you can use- 41:25 when I was at Weimar, one of my counselors- 41:28 she looked at me and she was so excited. 41:30 Her eyes were just glowing. She said, 41:34 "I'm so excited that when God gets you 41:35 through this, He's going to use you to 41:38 help other people." I looked at her, and in 41:41 that moment, in the state that I was in, 41:45 I just looked at her and I just thought to myself, 41:47 "What planet are you from?" - Yeah. - "I'm 41:49 not even thinking... I don't know if I can 41:53 get out of this. How can you be happy for 41:55 me?" But she was right! She knew, and the Lord 41:59 has just been so good to me. As I look at my 42:02 whole life, I'm now 59 pushing 60 and I've 42:06 been through a crisis in a teenage years, 42:08 at the end of my teens; I was in a crisis in my 42:10 20s, and I've been through different crisis's, 42:14 but this was the biggest. But Jesus Christ is 42:17 faithful. The Lord is faithful. He held my hand, 42:21 He didn't let go in the midst of all these 42:24 dark thoughts, these evil thoughts. There was 42:27 a temptation at times, like I said, to take my 42:31 life and there were temptations to just 42:33 curse God. Like Job's wife said to him, "Just curse 42:38 God and die!" You know? And Job said, "You speak 42:41 like one of the foolish women speak." 42:45 I just thought, "I can't do that! I can't do 42:47 that! No, no, no!" I don't think I got 42:51 myself through this by my bootstraps. It was 42:55 God and His grace and His mercy holding onto me. 42:59 - There was enough of the Lord in you from 43:00 your years with Him that there was still 43:02 something to grab onto, and I gotta ask you 43:05 this because what is still etched in my brain 43:09 is your daughter crying, thinking she's going to 43:11 lose her dad. When you finally got back from 43:16 Weimar and they saw, maybe not the whole 43:20 old Steve but certainly a lot better than when 43:22 you left, what was the response of your children 43:24 and your family? I know you love your 43:26 family. - Of course, they were very, very 43:29 happy to see me, but when I got back from 43:31 Weimar, I was still not out of the woods. 43:32 It took another- probably another month in 43:36 order to get off the medication, and it was 43:40 finally thi- it's like pushing the reset 43:43 button, you know, like when your phone- 43:44 sometimes you just push reset to set some things, 43:48 and it was like finally, God pushed the reset 43:52 button and everything just, like I said, 43:57 the cloud lifted, but that took time. It was 44:01 after the cloud lifted- that's when my kids 44:05 knew and my wife knew that Steve really is- 44:08 he's coming back to normal. And of course, they were 44:11 thrilled. Let me share something that I don't 44:14 think we've gotten into. When the blood results 44:17 came back from the lab, as I mentioned, Dr. 44:20 Nedley looked at my chart and he said, 44:24 "What you're going through is totally understandable. 44:26 Your brain chemistry is off, your dopamine levels 44:30 or activity is way down, your serotonin 44:33 activity would-these are good hormones 44:35 in the brain-was way down, 44:38 norepinephrine, which is, I believe, another 44:41 hormone or brain chemical- I'm not a brain expert- 44:47 but he said that that was 10 times higher 44:50 than normal and he recommended- he said, 44:52 "It's totally understandable what you're going through," 44:53 and he looked at me and said, "Steve, we 44:55 can fix this." He smiled and I looked at him 44:58 like, "Are you sure? Can you really do this?" 45:00 He said, "We can fix this!" He said, "I 45:02 have seen this so many times." One of the things 45:05 that I do in Help for the Hopeless is, 45:06 at the end, I give the resources where people 45:09 can go to his website, they can call his clinic, 45:11 they can get advice, they can get counseling, 45:13 they can go through the program; if they can't 45:15 go through the program, they can get the DVD, 45:17 they can get the workbook... The resources- 45:19 I attribute the restoration of my sanity and of my 45:23 life to God, to His mercy, to His grace, 45:28 to His word, to His providence, to natural 45:30 remedies, and to the help that I got from 45:34 Dr. Nedley. When he saw my brain chemistry 45:37 was off, he recommended certain supplements. He 45:40 said, "You need more zinc, you need more 45:42 B6, you need-..." He looked at genetic 45:45 issues and he said, "You undermethylate 45:48 and you need more B12," and various things. So, 45:52 finally, when I got back from Weimar, I think 45:54 the combination of the health principles 45:56 that Dr. Nedley recommended and getting off the 45:59 medication plus the supplements that began 46:01 to re-balance my brain chemistry, it was 46:04 a combination of all these things that 46:06 eventually resulted in the cloud lifting 46:09 off of me. So, I have a lot of respect for 46:12 brain chemistry these days. And Dr. Nedley- 46:15 God used this man to save my life, and his 46:19 staff and his program and Nathan and Andrew 46:22 Jasper and the whole team-it's a wonderful 46:24 program. I can't recommend it highly 46:26 enough. I don't know where I'd be-I don't 46:28 think I'd be here if God didn't route me to 46:31 Weimar to help me to get the professional 46:34 assistance that I needed. It was His providence and 46:38 like I said, I'm so grateful. Now I'm traveling again, 46:41 I'm holding meetings again, I'm writing books again, 46:44 I'm with my family. God has- He saved my 46:49 life. He saved my life. I don't fully understand 46:52 all the reasons why this crisis happened-I think 46:56 Satan was very much involved with it. Dr. 46:58 Nedley believes that there's a possibility that 47:02 the amount of time that I've spent in front 47:06 of a computer screen and multitasking that 47:08 that could have contributed to the upset of my brain 47:13 chemistry, I think genetics were probably part of it, 47:16 I don't handle stress well I've learned; my body just 47:19 has inherent weaknesses and I'm a type A 47:23 personality and the push, push, push. There was 47:26 no real deep skeleton in my closet that I'm 47:30 aware of that resulted in this. It's just this 47:35 mysterious combination. Whatever it was brought 47:39 me into a tailspin and God was faithful 47:43 to me and He got me out. - Amen. Amen and amen. 47:46 A couple things: one, it occurs to me there 47:48 were some actual physical things-physiological things- 47:52 happening in your body that was throwing you 47:54 out of whack. And of course, that gave occasion 47:56 for demonic attack- because you're not 47:59 in your right mind. Course, once you begin 48:01 losing sleep, you're opening yourself up 48:04 for all kinds of mental gyrations and things 48:07 going on. So, it's physical, plus the 48:10 constant spiritual battle that is swirling around you 48:13 even to this day... Put that all together 48:16 and put that in a cup and drink it, you got 48:20 a mess on your hands. But certainly, we are 48:23 thankful that the Lord says, Greater is he 48:24 that is in you than he that... The text you quoted-Hebrews 13, 48:30 "I will never leave nor forsake you-" I think 48:31 it's in 5 and 6- I think it's in 6. Right 48:34 behind that, it says, "We can boldly say 48:36 the Lord is our helper." So, you can- sometimes, 48:40 that's all you can hold onto-that "God is my 48:42 helper because He's promised to be my 48:43 helper." - That's right. And I've learned 48:45 to rely not on me at all and not on my 48:48 mind, my thoughts, my head, my heart, but on 48:52 the Word of the Lord. - Praise God. - And I've also 48:55 learned- I know that during the future days, 48:56 it's going to get real dark for all of us. 48:58 The time of trouble such as never was, we're going 49:00 to go through terrible struggles, but I think that 49:03 what I've been through has helped me to become 49:06 stronger. I want God to use my experience 49:09 to benefit others to help other people to 49:12 get out of pits that they're in. I'm just 49:15 very grateful. It's like a dream. Now, I can 49:18 work in my garden. During this time, I had no 49:20 interest in my garden. I loathed picking 49:22 weeds, I loathed just mowing my lawn, being 49:25 out there, but now that's all changed. It's like 49:27 I've been- it's like a rebirth. It's like 49:31 I'm back and I'm so grateful and I'm so 49:34 thankful I have the hope of heaven again; 49:36 I trust Jesus as my Savior. I'm not 49:38 going to be in that second resurrection. 49:40 Maybe in the first resurrection-I'm 49:41 gonna be inside the city, not outside the city! 49:43 I want God to use me while I have any 49:45 strength left in this life. I'm just very 49:48 grateful. - Tell me before our times gets 49:52 away-we go to our contact information 49:54 for you-about those things, those mechanisms 49:56 you're putting in place now to try to make 49:58 sure as far as you can physiologically not 50:02 to have a repeat. You can't take every 50:05 invitation. I know there's a lot for you 50:07 because you are White Horse Media, you're 50:09 trying to write, you're trying to do some 50:10 things you're trying to maintain so that 50:12 you don't slide back into that. - Well, 50:15 I'm learned even more if my type A push, push, 50:19 push personality contributed to this 50:22 crisis that I cannot afford to repeat that. 50:26 I've learned I've got to slow down. 50:28 I'm not immortal. I'm pushin' 60, and so I 50:32 have to be careful, I have to pace myself, 50:35 I can't overdo it, I need to make sure 50:37 that I spend time exercising, I need 50:39 to drink water, eat a good diet, get my sleep 50:42 at night, and just not feel the sense that I 50:45 have to be going, pushing, doing all the 50:48 time. You know? We're not saved by 50:50 works; we're saved by grace. And God knows 50:54 that we're mortal and that we need to 50:56 pace ourselves and cooperate with the laws 50:59 that he has built into our being. So, I've just learned, 51:03 slow down, be careful, be happy, 51:06 trust the Lord, and don't give the devil 51:12 a foothold. Somebody once said, "If you give 51:16 him a toehold, he'll take a foothold, then 51:19 he'll have a stronghold." And I have learned 51:21 like never before that the enemy is very 51:24 real and Jesus Christ is greater than 51:27 Satan and we've got to rely on the Word of 51:29 God above everything else. - You know, I was 51:32 reading- my wife and I were reading for a devotion 51:33 or something this morning- JUST this morning of 51:36 Oswald Chambers talking about being 51:39 in love with the work and making a god of the 51:42 work and forgetting about making a god 51:45 of your work instead of the Lord-how the work 51:49 can become its own god. Of course, at that 51:52 point, you've gone over the edge and 51:53 you're deifying the work and not the God 51:55 of the work. Someone who is so involved in 51:58 the work of the Lord and whose life it is, 52:01 there is a danger sometimes of even 52:03 pushing the gas pedal a little too hard even 52:06 for the Lord. So, we're glad you're back, man. 52:09 And you look good. You're putting on a 52:10 little weight; you look a lot better. 52:11 The smile is back. - Yeah. Well, I've 52:13 always been thin, but the light is back in my 52:14 eyes. - Praise the Lord. - Praise the Lord 52:16 Jesus Christ. I want Him to be glorified 52:18 in all of this. - All right. We want to go 52:20 to the contact information for White Horse Media. 52:22 You may want to get this book, Help for the 52:26 Hopeless. This is powerful. If you have 52:29 someone who may be going through some stuff, 52:31 I think this will help. This is a good book 52:34 just to read even if you're not in a particularly 52:37 depressive state. This will give you some tools 52:39 to maybe help some people and to encourage 52:42 your own walk. Should you like to get this 52:45 book or talk with Steve or to get him 52:48 to come to your church or your group to talk 52:52 about some of these things, he'd be happy 52:53 to do so-work you into schedule. We 52:55 can't work him too hard but he's still 52:57 working for the Lord. Here is the contact 52:58 information for White Horse Media 53:00 should you want to make contact or support 53:02 financially this very, very fine ministry. 53:10 If you would like to obtain your copy of 53:12 Steve Wohlberg's testimony called "Help 53:14 for the Hopeless," or if you would like to 53:16 support White Horse Media's work, reaching 53:18 out to the world with the gospel, please 53:21 visit whitehorsemedia.com. There, you'll find a 53:24 huge selection of DVDs, books, CDs, Bible 53:28 study resources, and ministry information. 53:31 That web address again is whitehorsemedia.com. 53:35 You may also call them at (800) 782-4253 53:40 or write to White Horse Media Post Office Box 53:43 130 Priest River, Idaho 83856. |
Revised 2018-09-12