Participants: Jill Morikone (Host), Juliet Van Heerden
Series Code: TDY
Program Code: TDY016084A
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00:01 I want to spend my life
00:07 Mending broken people 00:12 I want to spend my life 00:18 Removing pain 00:23 Lord, let my words 00:29 Heal a heart that hurts 00:34 I want to spend my life 00:40 Mending broken people 00:45 I want to spend my life 00:51 Mending broken people. 01:07 Hello, and welcome to another 3ABN Today program. 01:11 My name is Jill Morikone. 01:12 And we're so glad that you have joined us today, 01:15 whether you're watching or listening on the radio. 01:18 We have an incredible impactful program 01:21 for you today. 01:22 My special guest is Juliet Van Heerden 01:26 and her testimony is one that has ministered 01:30 to my own heart and life. 01:31 She wrote a wonderful book 01:34 called "Same Dress, Different Day." 01:36 It's A Spiritual Memoir of Addiction 01:39 and for Redemption. 01:41 And what God wants to do 01:43 in each one of our hearts and lives. 01:45 So whether you're in the midst of struggling 01:47 with some sort of addiction, 01:49 whether you're married to someone 01:51 or living with someone or have a family member 01:55 that's in the midst of addiction, 01:56 whatever the case, 01:58 know that God wants to bring you 02:00 healing and deliverance. 02:03 There is a special verse, I ask Juliet before we started, 02:05 if there is a scripture for us that she especially likes. 02:09 And hers is from Psalm 27, 02:13 Psalm 27:13 and 14, 02:17 "I would have lost heart, 02:19 unless I had believed 02:22 that I would see the goodness of the Lord 02:25 in the land of the living. 02:26 Wait on the Lord. 02:28 Be of good courage, 02:30 and He shall strengthen your heart. 02:33 Wait, I say, on the Lord!" 02:36 And Juliet it's just a joy 02:38 and a pleasure to have you here. 02:39 Thank you very much. On the 3ABN Today program. 02:42 And I know we're going to unpackage your story 02:44 but tell me why does that verse means so much to you? 02:48 Because, at one point of my life 02:50 I was struggling with hopelessness, 02:53 and I just had to claim that promise, 02:57 because I believe God's word is true. 03:00 And I believed that one day 03:02 I would see God's goodness in the land of the living, 03:06 that I did not have to give up hope, 03:07 and that I didn't have to die. 03:09 Yeah. 03:10 But I could live and see the goodness of God 03:13 as He redeemed my life. 03:14 Amen. 03:15 And God brought that to pass in your life 03:17 and we're going to hear about what God did in Juliet's life. 03:20 But first, we're going to go to some music. 03:24 We have pastor CA. Murray with us just now. 03:27 And he's going to share a wonderful song, 03:29 "Is It Any Wonder." 03:47 When I think how Jesus loved me 03:52 How he waited patiently 03:57 Even when I turned my back and walked away, 04:04 When he knew I wanted everything 04:08 This world could offer me 04:12 Well I guess he knew the price 04:15 I'd have to pay 04:18 So he watched me stumble downward 04:23 Saw each compromise I made 04:27 Heard each lie I whispered just to get my way 04:33 Still he waited there to hear me 04:38 When I cried to Him and prayed 04:43 Then He saved my soul and that is why I say 04:50 Tell me, is it any wonder 04:56 That I love Him 05:00 When you consider all He's done for me? 05:08 And is it any wonder 05:13 That I want to do His will 05:17 And let His light shine out for all to see? 05:23 And is it any wonder 05:29 That I praise him Each time 05:34 I think of how He's set me free? 05:40 And is it any wonder that I've given Him my heart 05:48 When Jesus freely gave His life for me? 06:07 When I think how Jesus loves me 06:12 How He watches patiently 06:17 How His arms are stretched to meet me when I run 06:24 When I'm feeling down and lonely 06:28 How He's there to comfort me 06:32 In the darkness He becomes my morning sun 06:39 When I think of how He's healed me 06:43 How He's touched me in my pain 06:47 How his gentle hand have whipped my tears away 06:53 How He's taken every heartache 06:58 And brought happiness again 07:01 Then I want the world to hear me 07:05 when I say: 07:08 Tell me, is it any wonder 07:15 That I love Him 07:19 When you consider all He's done for me? 07:26 And is it any wonder 07:30 That I want to do His will 07:34 And let His light shine out for all to see? 07:40 And is it any wonder 07:46 That I praise Him 07:50 Each time I think of how He's set me free? 07:57 And is it any wonder 08:02 That I've given Him my heart 08:06 When Jesus freely 08:10 Gave His life for me? 08:32 Amen. 08:33 Thank you so much pastor CA. 08:35 Pastor CA and his wife Irma 08:37 are an Integral part of the ministry here at 3ABN. 08:40 And he's a man of God, 08:42 a man of the word 08:44 and he blesses our heart with his music as well. 08:47 So thank you so much, "Is It Any Wonder." 08:49 Amen, praise the Lord for that, that Jesus loves you and me. 08:54 And if you're just joining us, 08:56 my special guest today is Juliet Van Heerden. 08:59 And Juliet looking at you just now, 09:02 you're a beautiful women and I would think just a sweet, 09:07 peaceful face and you would think, 09:09 you have not encountered any trial in your life, 09:11 would that be an accurate statement? 09:13 No. 09:16 Not at all. 09:18 So take us back, 09:20 I know your book that we're talking about today 09:22 that you wrote, which I have read 09:23 and it's an incredible book, "Same Dress, Different Day." 09:27 But in your book you're very transparent, 09:30 very honest. 09:32 So what led you to that moment of transparency? 09:37 It took a long time for me to feel comfortable, 09:40 speaking about my story to share openly 09:45 what I've experienced and what I've been through 09:48 and what I still struggle with. 09:50 But I've learned that being vulnerable 09:55 allows me to be in a position 09:58 where God can continue to heal me 10:01 and where I can reach other people 10:04 because it takes down the mask, it takes down the walls. 10:08 So when I speak and well, 10:11 every week when I introduced myself 10:12 in my recovery group, I say, I'm Juliet. 10:16 I'm a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. 10:20 And I struggle, I struggle with codependency 10:24 and manifest itself in perfectionism and control. 10:28 And food is far too often my drug of choice. 10:34 When I say that to an audience, 10:37 when I'm speaking with women or my church group, 10:41 something happens, people, like, kind of, 10:44 sit up in their seat and look at me like, 10:46 what did she just say? 10:47 Right. 10:48 Because it's not usual 10:50 for people to just take off the mask 10:53 and speak the truth about what's going on with them. 10:57 Because in church we just think, 11:00 we have to be good Christians, right? 11:02 "Good Christians," So when we go, 11:04 we're suppose to say happy Sabbath 11:06 and everything is fine with me, even if I'm dying inside. 11:10 So this is good. 11:11 So take us back to the beginning. 11:15 I know your book begins at a certain moment, 11:20 but take us back to the beginning 11:22 you first going to involved with someone who, 11:25 there was some addictions 11:26 which you didn't really know about. 11:28 I didn't know, I was 24 years old 11:32 when I married. 11:34 And I thought that I was marrying someone 11:38 who would be in church with me every week, 11:41 and who would pray 11:43 and have the same kind of ideals 11:48 that I had for a happy Christian family. 11:51 And what I didn't know was that 11:53 I didn't ask enough questions before I got married. 11:57 I didn't do my homework. 12:00 I'm a school teacher 12:02 and I encourage kids to do their homework, 12:04 but when I was, I'm in my early 20s, 12:07 I didn't do my homework. 12:08 I didn't have enough information 12:10 about the person I married, 12:12 and it was only until a few years into our marriage 12:17 that I realized that my husband had a cocaine addiction, 12:22 and it was very shocking. 12:25 I knew something was wrong but I didn't know about drugs. 12:30 And it took me a long-time to figure out that 12:33 that's what we were dealing with. 12:35 So what were some other signs? Was he reclusive? 12:37 Was he not wanting to open up and share with you 12:40 or what were your clues, I guess? 12:43 Well, he would have different personalities, 12:47 like, sometimes he would be very quiet and introverted 12:51 and then sometimes he would be very energetic. 12:53 And outgoing and sometimes angry, 12:58 like, it was just, like, up and down. 13:01 I never really knew what I was going to get. 13:05 And you hadn't seen any of that before you married him? 13:08 No. 13:09 He was able to hide his addictions very well. 13:13 And I don't think 13:16 he was completely on the crazy cycle 13:19 when we first married, 13:20 I think it started accelerating. 13:24 And so it was really to the point 13:26 where he was disappearing 13:29 for long periods of time and I just didn't know, 13:33 I knew something was wrong but didn't know what it was. 13:36 But life was not normal and I was in denial 13:39 about that not normal for a long-time. 13:42 So for our viewers who may not know 13:44 what is the crazy cycle? 13:46 What does that mean, the crazy cycle? 13:48 The crazy cycle is well, 13:52 I'll just speak about it from my perspective... 13:54 Okay. 13:55 As a codependence spouse. 13:57 It's kind of like, it's like a triangle, 13:59 I would be the victim. 14:00 Okay. 14:02 At times, like, you know, 14:03 you're not paying attention to me, 14:04 you're not doing this with me, 14:06 you're not taking care of our family, 14:08 maybe not paying the bills 14:09 or whatever I would be the victim. 14:12 And then sometimes, I would be prosecutor, 14:17 you know, getting on his case and trying to control things 14:23 and control him and control our life 14:26 and make everything seem normal. 14:27 I mean, he was always the bad person, 14:30 so the victim, the prosecutor, 14:31 and then sometimes I was the rescuer, 14:34 when he would mess up really badly 14:36 and need to be bailed out in some fashion, 14:39 then I would always come and rescue him. 14:43 So it was just the sick cycle 14:46 that I just kept repeating in my own life 14:49 and, of course, the cycle of chemical dependency, 14:51 that's a different crazy cycle.. 14:56 So what does the cycle of chemical dependency look like? 15:00 Well, I mean, from watching in my own home 15:05 it was using drugs, 15:10 and getting caught up in that 15:13 and then wanting to be clean and sober, 15:16 so trying to come off of the drugs 15:19 and either help through rehab or through, 15:24 you know, doing it himself or whatever. 15:27 So trying to be clean and then going for a long-time 15:31 maybe with not using and so you see have this hope 15:34 it's going to get better, it's going to get better, 15:36 and I think even the addicted person 15:38 has this hope. 15:39 I think I'm done with this 15:40 for the last time this is it I'm finished. 15:43 And then something happens and they start to use again. 15:47 And, maybe, you know, as the person who loves them, 15:50 maybe, you know, maybe you don't know for a while 15:53 until the addiction is so strong 15:54 that your life starts falling apart again 15:56 and that's the cycle that we lived in 15:59 for about 12 years of marriage 16:01 just constant in and out of that. 16:07 So take me back to when you first discovered 16:10 that "My husband, who I married and I thought loved me, 16:14 and maybe there where some things 16:15 I was in denial about, 16:16 but I thought we were fairly okay, 16:19 " That he is addicted to cocaine. 16:23 I was just in shock. 16:24 I didn't know what to think or what to do. 16:28 How did you find out? 16:29 I called all the numbers on his cell phone 16:34 because I thought maybe he had a girlfriend. 16:36 I don't know, I got the cell phone bill 16:38 and it was just pages and pages and pages of strange numbers 16:42 and I couldn't figure out what it was 16:44 and like what is he doing? 16:46 He's doing something all our money is gone, 16:48 something is wrong but I don't know. 16:50 So I called all these numbers, 16:51 and I would just get like these strange voice mails 16:54 and strange people and then I spoke with someone 16:58 and they said it sounds like drug dealers. 17:02 And so I was like, drugs! 17:06 Drugs? 17:07 And it was just... 17:08 I couldn't almost wrap my brain around it 17:12 but I confronted him and he said, 17:17 "Yes, it's drugs, it's cocaine." 17:21 Well, that's heavy, you know, 17:24 at this point are you in church? 17:27 You and your husband, you're still going to church? 17:28 Oh, yes. 17:31 We're in church every week, 17:33 unless he like went on a binge on a Friday. 17:36 Yeah, Friday's were bad trigger for him, 17:38 because you get paid on Friday's, right. 17:39 So sometimes... 17:41 That's when he has all this money for drugs? 17:42 Right. 17:44 Sometimes, he would just disappear from work 17:45 and not come back until, maybe, Sunday or Monday. 17:47 But generally we're in church together every week. 17:52 And he was involved in church. 17:54 I mean, all our friends were from church 17:57 and he was an active participant 18:01 so it was strange, 18:02 it was almost like we lived a double life. 18:04 He definitely lived a double life 18:06 and so did I because I hid this problem from everybody, 18:11 even my family. 18:13 So why did you hide? 18:14 Was it 'cause you're afraid? 18:16 Is there... 18:17 Obviously there's shame, because maybe you're thinking, 18:20 I did something even if you had nothing to do with you, 18:22 he's making his own choices 18:24 but still I think may be as women 18:26 or as humans, in general, 18:27 we kind of take that on, that sense of guilt. 18:29 Of course, I was ashamed, 18:32 I was afraid someone would find out, 18:34 I was a teacher at the church school. 18:38 So I even thought well, if people find out 18:40 my husband's using cocaine, like, maybe, I'll lose my job. 18:44 And at one point... 18:47 That was at the point 18:48 where his habit was so expensive 18:52 that it was basically taking all of his paycheck 18:55 and so what I was earning was supporting our family. 18:58 And I was scared to talk about it for that reason. 19:02 Also, I was ashamed 19:03 because I felt stupid for making a poor choice, 19:05 I felt stupid for not knowing 19:08 before it was to the point 19:10 that it was destroying our life. 19:13 And I just didn't want to say anything to anyone 19:16 and I felt like everyone else in church was perfect 19:19 and they had these perfect little families 19:21 and they all sat there so nicely every week 19:24 and surely nobody had these kinds of problems 19:26 so that we were just strange. 19:31 You know, I just think, 19:32 I don't know if you're watching right now, 19:34 but each one of us has something 19:36 that we struggle with, You'd say that's accurate? 19:38 Everybody had an addiction 19:40 it might not be a cocaine addiction 19:42 or food or shopping or something 19:44 but we all have something that we're dealing with 19:47 and right now maybe you're feeling, 19:49 "I'm all alone, I'm in my church 19:52 and I don't feel like I can reach out to anybody, 19:57 I don't feel there is any safe place I can go." 20:01 So who did you talk to? 20:03 How long did this go on before you even felt safe 20:07 or felt like you could come out and share? 20:12 Actually a teacher in my school, 20:15 her husband was a chaplain at the local hospital 20:19 and he worked with people struggling with addiction 20:24 and he had a 12-Step Group 20:27 that he introduced me to 20:30 and my husband and I respected him 20:35 and I shared with him, I told him what was going on. 20:39 Now how long from when you find out 20:41 your husband had the addiction to 20:42 when you actually shared with someone 20:44 for the first time. 20:48 Are we talking years? 20:49 No, because when I found out that it was cocaine, 20:52 it was like already to the point 20:54 where I felt like he was going to put him in the hospital, 20:57 like he couldn't, 20:59 he was having problems with his heart, 21:01 he couldn't work at that point in time, like, 21:03 I was really scared 21:04 and so I felt like I have to talk to somebody. 21:07 So it was just a very short time from then 21:10 and then I spoke about this. 21:12 And this man said, "We need to get him into rehab 21:17 and we need to do it immediately like this weekend." 21:19 So it was very fast. Okay. 21:22 So I was still in shock 21:23 of finding out about that it was drugs, 21:25 that it was cocaine and like within two days, 21:29 I was driving him to rehab. 21:33 Okay. 21:34 So it was very, very quick from that. 21:36 I had no idea. 21:38 I knew things were bad and something was wrong 21:41 but I didn't know what it was. 21:43 But when I realized what it was, 21:44 it was to the point where it was almost ready to, 21:47 like, it could have taken his life. 21:49 The binge was to the point of almost overdosing. 21:53 So that's when I first spoke about it and this gentlemen, 21:57 god bless him, he just said, 21:59 "I have connections in this world 22:04 and I need to be able to have your permission, 22:07 " And to my husband at that time. 22:10 "I need your permission to find you a place 22:12 and will you go get some help?" 22:14 And I think he was also scared... 22:16 Oh, yeah. 22:17 At that point and he was willing. 22:20 And that's where my book starts actually. 22:22 Okay. Can I read a little bit? 22:24 If you can. Okay. Absolutely. 22:25 So my book starts, "That day when I started, 22:30 taking him to rehab." 22:33 And I'll just read like 22:35 a little bit of the first chapter, 22:37 it's the first paragraph, 22:39 it says, "Summer scorches, Texans, every single year. 22:44 August of 2000 is no exception. 22:48 Dripping sweat, waiting for the gas pump 22:51 to click off at the Chevron station, 22:53 I'm even scorched on the inside. 22:56 Driving Jon to rehab isn't in my plans for this summer 23:00 and I very much like for life to go as planned. 23:05 Glancing into the side mirror, I catch a glimpse of him, 23:08 squatting there next to another car, 23:11 blasting cigarette smoke from one side of his mouth. 23:15 During the five years and 363 days of our marriage, 23:19 he'd never let me see him smoke. 23:21 Our eyes meet. 23:23 He shrugs and flicks the butt into the parking lot. 23:27 I remember the countless times I'd lectured my students 23:30 against the dangers of smoking. 23:33 They were first graders, 23:34 the same age he was when he started." 23:37 Wow, and you didn't know. 23:40 I knew he smoked 23:41 because I discovered it after we married. 23:44 But I didn't discover 23:45 because he ever let me see him do it. 23:47 Okay. 23:49 I could smell it sometimes, when I confronted him, 23:52 sometimes he lied, 23:53 and eventually he just told me, I'm a smoker. 23:57 And again that was shocking for me and I was disappointed 24:04 because I promised myself 24:06 I'd never be married to someone with that addiction. 24:09 Yeah. 24:10 And so here I was on my way to a rehabilitation center 24:15 that are for alcoholics and drug addicts. 24:17 Viewing my husband, 24:20 I think we'd been married about six years by that time. 24:24 Through completely new eyes, it was like every... 24:28 All the lying, all the hiding, all the whatever, 24:31 it was just gone 24:33 and I could just see like this is what I'm dealing with. 24:36 Yeah. 24:37 And he wasn't hiding anything from me at that moment, 24:40 and in a way it was liberating 24:43 to have the truth just be there. 24:46 Yes. 24:48 'Cause for so long he had been hiding. 24:50 For so long, you know, you didn't know. 24:52 I think as women, we grow with a fantasy, right? 24:56 I want my future husband's 24:59 going to be a knight in shining armor 25:01 and I'm going to have this 25:02 happily ever after perfect romance 25:05 and, you know, you have those little girl dreams 25:07 and then you grow up 25:09 and all the secrecy and all these hiding 25:11 and I don't understand and what's going on 25:13 and all of a sudden all those masks are pulled away 25:17 and you're seeing who your husband really is. 25:19 Yes. Yeah, that's devastating. 25:22 It was. 25:23 Yeah. It was scary. 25:26 I didn't know what to expect and I think it was like a week 25:29 before school was supposed to start for me 25:31 and he suppose to go away for 28 days to this rehab. 25:35 And just the stress that I felt at that time 25:38 and I felt so alone like who can I tell this to. 25:43 Where are my friends and my family 25:47 that I can just be this real with? 25:50 And I found them 25:51 and they were the same friends and family that I always had. 25:55 But it had been me being just prideful, 25:58 not wanting to let anybody see the truth of my life 26:03 and it took me allowing myself to be vulnerable, 26:08 to be transparent with the people 26:10 who really did love me and want to support me. 26:13 They just didn't know. They just didn't know. 26:16 You made a great point, you know, 26:18 I had never processed that before 26:20 is that there is a measure of pride in us 26:23 trying to keep ourselves together. 26:24 Oh, yes. Right? 26:26 We don't want people to see, 26:27 oh, there is actually brokenness in my life. 26:30 There is actually brokenness in my family, 26:34 so I don't want to let you in, yeah, that's deep. 26:38 Yeah. 26:39 So moving forward, I'm looking at our time here, 26:42 so moving forward, 26:45 he was not cured at the end of this rehab, 26:49 this cycle went on for years. 26:52 Years. 26:53 So fast forwarding through the years, 26:55 what led you to the decision that I need to divorce, 27:00 we need to separate, I'm done with this? 27:05 It took a long-time. 27:07 I did not want to give up on him. 27:11 And as a Christian, you know, we feel like well, 27:14 God doesn't give up on me, 27:16 so how can I give up on somebody else. 27:18 Yeah. 27:19 But I was tired of trying to be the savior for somebody 27:26 who really needed Jesus to be their savior. 27:29 Yes. 27:31 And wasn't allowing Jesus to do that for him. 27:36 I need a Jesus to be my savior. 27:39 And when I let go of trying to rescue my spouse, 27:43 trying to control him and control his situation 27:47 and allow God to just work with me. 27:51 I realized that I had been playing God in his life. 27:55 Like, I had been trying to be his Holy Spirit 28:00 and I couldn't do that anymore. 28:03 I needed to let him make his decisions 28:07 and sadly the decisions that he made set him to prison. 28:14 And the choices that he made built a wall between us 28:22 that just seemed insurmountable, 28:25 being around me made him feel guilty. 28:29 And he just chose female companionship 28:33 with people who made him feel accepted 28:39 with what he was doing 28:40 because they were doing the same thing. 28:42 And so long story short, 28:46 we divorced and I was on my own 28:52 to let God rebuild my life. 28:56 Yes. 28:57 And to let God be my husband and my provider and my savior, 29:03 my friend. 29:04 And I just had to allow that to happen 29:07 because I couldn't control, 29:09 I couldn't force my husband to love me, 29:11 I couldn't force him to be faithful, 29:13 I couldn't force him to stop using drugs. 29:15 Yeah. 29:17 I had to let it go and trust the God 29:22 would redeem my story. 29:24 Amen, amen. 29:25 So part of the steps in healing, 29:28 one of the steps, I guess, is dealing with forgiveness. 29:32 Would you say that's an accurate statement? 29:33 Yes. 29:35 So tell me about your journey of forgiveness, 29:37 you have a lot of, did you have a lot of resentment toward him, 29:39 was there a lot of bitterness and all of that stuff. 29:43 I was so angry. Yeah. 29:45 I was angry that he had destroyed, 29:49 this is me thinking, he's destroyed my life, 29:52 he's destroyed my dreams, 29:54 he's destroyed my hopes of having a family, 29:58 of all the things that I wanted when I was, you know, 30:01 young and dreaming of getting married 30:04 and having a happy family. 30:06 I just felt like he ruined all of it and I was furious, 30:10 I was so angry. 30:11 It makes sense. 30:12 Yes, it does. 30:14 From a human perspective, I mean, of course, 30:16 you would feel that way, absolutely. 30:18 I really had anger issues. 30:20 I went to a psychotherapist 30:21 once I paid him $80 to tell me that I was angry, like, 30:24 after the end of this session. 30:27 I'm, like, I knew this, I knew this. 30:32 Anyway, I was so angry when I left his office 30:35 that I left some tread in his parking lot. 30:37 I had problems that I needed to get help with 30:41 and I found a 12-step recovery group for women 30:47 who are codependent. 30:48 Okay. 30:49 And I was like wow, 30:51 this actually describes me perfectly 30:53 and I started attending 30:55 and started learning about myself and... 30:58 What would be some of the signs, 30:59 I know we're talking about forgiveness 31:01 but you mentioned codependence. 31:02 Yes. 31:04 So what would be some of the symptoms 31:05 or signs of being codependent? 31:07 Being consumed with another persons life 31:10 and letting everything about them, 31:12 be what my life is about, 31:13 so I was trying to rescue and control 31:18 and live my whole life based on what my husband was doing. 31:24 And a codependent person will do that, I mean, 31:26 and we try to control other people 31:30 and other everything that they do, 31:33 we try to come into our circumstances, 31:35 we try to create facade of perfection 31:38 when really our life is crumbling. 31:41 So I had this problem 31:44 and I thought that he was the one 31:45 with all the problems. 31:47 He was the drug addict, 31:48 he was the one that ruined everything, 31:50 but then I started attending this... 31:51 I'm the righteous wife. Right. 31:53 I started to attending 12-step group 31:55 not for him but for myself and I realized wow, 31:58 I have a lot of issues, I have a lot of problems 32:00 and I have lot of anger inside me, 32:02 a lot of bitterness and resentment 32:04 and unforgiveness, and he's no longer in my life. 32:07 Yeah. 32:09 And this stuff's in me, eating me up. 32:10 What am I going to do with it? 32:12 And that's when I just decided 32:14 I need to take the first step of recovery, 32:17 come out of denial and realize you know, 32:20 my life is out of control. 32:21 Admit I have a problem? I have a problem. 32:24 And that to me it was like the beginning of healing. 32:31 That's revolutionary, 32:33 'cause instead of trying to focus it 32:34 on the other person. 32:36 Okay, you're the one with the addiction, 32:37 you're the one with the problem, 32:38 if you hadn't done this my life would be better, 32:41 it's looking inward and saying, okay, I have drunk too. 32:44 I have an issue here. 32:47 So what's the next step after that? 32:50 So I'm still attending my 12-step group, 32:54 it's been, you know, several years. 32:56 But God started allowing me to see 33:01 what he needed to refine in me. 33:04 And I began to take him at his word, 33:09 and like the scripture that you shared at the beginning, 33:12 I took the Bible when I would open it up, 33:15 the whole Bible just seemed overwhelming to me 33:18 and so I would say God you know, 33:19 what do you want to say to me? 33:22 And as God revealed his truth for my life, 33:27 his purpose for my life in his word, 33:29 I would write it down on just a little three by five card 33:33 and I started claiming these promises 33:36 and I was, in 2007, 33:40 I was divorced. 33:43 I actually didn't have a home at that point, 33:47 my vehicle had been sold for drug money, 33:50 like, I was really 33:51 at the bottom of my life, I felt. 33:55 I literally just walked away from my home 33:59 like on foot someone picked me up in car 34:01 and gave me a ride. 34:04 And I went to a friends house and I stayed there, 34:07 I lived with a friend for a year and half. 34:09 Oh, wow. 34:10 And I was just... 34:11 Praise the Lord for your friend too. 34:13 Yes, and God bless the Christian community 34:15 who reached out to me and supported me 34:17 through this time 34:18 and I was just at place where I was like God 34:20 I have to believe that I will see your goodness 34:23 in the land of the living that Psalm 27, 34:25 I just put it on my card and I claimed that promise. 34:28 Amen. 34:29 And I believed that someday 34:33 God was going to redeem that pain. 34:36 And God's word started speaking to me 34:39 and coming alive to me 34:40 and I would claim these promises 34:41 and I went to my group 34:43 and I started learning more and more about myself 34:45 and my triggers and my problems 34:48 and I didn't want to redo what I had done in the past. 34:52 I didn't want to try to find another husband 34:57 and, you know, jump into something 35:01 and have some of the same problems, 35:02 I really wanted to be a wise woman of God. 35:05 Amen. And I was nervous. 35:08 I didn't know what God had for my future. 35:10 But I started trusting the Lord that he would fix this. 35:14 I didn't know how, I couldn't see the end of it, 35:18 but He started to work in me 35:21 that really set me free from the bitterness 35:25 and unforgiveness and that work 35:27 began with letting go of that anger 35:30 that I had against John, 35:32 realizing that it wasn't all against me 35:35 like that he had a problem. 35:37 And a lot of it didn't even have anything to do with me. 35:41 Right. 35:44 That's good because you're taking ownership 35:46 for what your stuff is 35:47 but you're not taking ownership 35:49 for things that he would push onto you, 35:51 or things that we would think 35:52 oh, well that must be my fault he did this 35:54 but not taking ownership for that 35:56 he needs to take responsibility, that's good. 35:59 Amen. 36:00 Praise God for what his word did in your life 36:04 with those promises, I love that. 36:07 I love promises 36:08 and writing them down and claiming them 36:10 and you saw the difference in your life 36:12 as you claim the Word of God. 36:14 I did, I carry that little three ring cards 36:20 around with me in my car, 36:22 in my purse, to my school, 36:26 I put it on my desk 36:27 and I just started really taking God at his word 36:30 and saying God you promised, you said, your word tells me... 36:35 Amen. 36:36 And believing that he was going to set me free from that. 36:39 And 1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, 36:44 He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins 36:47 and cleanse us from all in righteousness." 36:49 And I was realizing my sinfulness, you know, 36:52 God I have a problem with control. 36:54 I have a problem with wanting to eat 36:56 half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream 36:59 when I'm stressed out. 37:00 I have a problem with turning to things that are not you, 37:05 in order to know my pain or let me be in denial. 37:09 When I started recognizing those things 37:11 through my recovery group 37:12 and really accepting this is sin in my life. 37:15 Yes. 37:16 My problem of trying to control something or someone 37:19 when life feels out of control that's sin 37:22 and I confess that sin to you God, 37:24 you promised that you'll forgive me 37:26 and you cleanse me from all in righteousness 37:29 and I want to be a righteous women. 37:31 I just started to talking to God 37:32 like in a whole new way 37:34 and it was beautiful to see 37:37 how he honored that 37:39 and how he really just started to set me free 37:41 and give me the forgiveness 37:44 that I needed to let John go to release him 37:49 from that unhealthy soul tie that I had, like, 37:55 we were bound by unforgiveness at one point 37:58 and I needed to let that go. 38:00 Amen. 38:01 So that I could be free to let God do 38:04 what he wanted to do with my future. 38:06 Amen and that's why we want to go right now, 38:08 I was thinking of that promise. 38:10 God redeems the years that the locust has eaten. 38:13 You know, in the promise of Jeremiah 29:11, 38:16 I know the plans I have for you, 38:18 so I just imagine God looking down and saying, 38:20 "Juliet, 38:21 I have a beautiful future plan for you." 38:24 And so tell us about how you met your husband? 38:26 Okay. 38:28 And walk us through that journey. 38:29 So in 2010, 38:34 I remarried. 38:37 My husband is a pastor in Florida, 38:40 and we match through a mutual friend. 38:43 I decided I needed to move away from my old life, 38:49 get a fresh start in a new place. 38:51 And I went back to school to get my masters degree 38:54 and in one of my classes 38:57 I met a girl who kind of befriended me 39:00 and she said to me are you dating anybody? 39:04 And I said, no, I'm little bit nervous 39:07 to get involved with a man at this pint and time you know, 39:11 I've been burned. 39:12 Yeah. 39:13 And she was very persistent and eventually she wore me down 39:19 to the point where she said, can I just please, 39:22 give this really nice pastor in Florida your email address, 39:25 because I said no phone number, no, you know, no, no, no. 39:29 Anyway she gave him my email address 39:31 and he just started sending little note, you know, 39:34 and communicating and eventually he said, 39:37 "I'd really like to meet you." 39:39 And so we arranged for my friend Kelly 39:42 and myself and he and his friend 39:45 we went on a date together, the four of us. 39:46 Like a double date. 39:48 Like a double date, you know, 'cause I was just nervous. 39:50 No. Of course. 39:52 But God really just showed me this man's heart. 39:55 I just felt like I could love this person, 40:00 I could see his passion for the Lord 40:02 and I felt like he was very honest with me. 40:06 So we met, we dated and we married in 2010 40:11 and it's actually the photograph 40:14 on the cover of my book 40:15 is of our wedding day 40:17 and my book is called "Same Dress, Different Day." 40:20 And more on that title... 40:23 I hate to spoil the story... 40:26 Okay. 40:27 I hate to spoil it. 40:29 But it was... 40:30 They don't have to... 40:32 They can get it. It was a whole new day for me. 40:34 Same girl with the same dream of I want a happy family, 40:40 I want a husband 40:43 who loves God more than he loves me 40:46 but he will love me and see me 40:48 and that's the thing I want to say 40:50 to people who have an addicted loved one, 40:55 is that they are so broken, 40:57 they actually can't see you, 40:59 if it's your spouse they cannot love you properly 41:03 and it becomes very lonely to live 41:06 and a home and a marriage 41:09 where your addicted loved one cannot love you. 41:11 Yeah. 41:12 And I just wanted to be seen, to be heard, 41:16 to be valued and to be loved. 41:19 And so God gave me that in my new husband 41:24 and we've been married, 41:26 I can't believe it's six and half years already. 41:28 But our ministry together is to help people 41:34 who struggle with some kind of life changing event 41:39 like divorce, like addiction of a spouse, 41:44 or a child and we want to give hope to people. 41:49 Amen. 41:50 That there is hope out there, 41:52 we don't have to be alone in our struggle, 41:55 even if we're in church, 41:57 even if we're Christians this taboo of, 41:59 "Oh, no this doesn't happen in Christian families." 42:02 But it does. It does. 42:03 Happens all the time. Yeah. It does. 42:06 Yeah, that's powerful. 42:07 Praise the Lord for what he did in your life. 42:10 The healing, the restoration and then bringing you, 42:14 Andre, right, Pastor Andre, 42:15 into your life and just working together as a team, 42:19 that's just a powerful testimony. 42:22 Can you share with our friends at home 42:24 maybe someone struggling, 42:26 someone who has a loved one 42:28 or is dealing in the midst of addiction. 42:31 Where can they turn? 42:32 Where can they go for help? 42:34 What resources are out there that's available? 42:38 It's a good question 42:39 and I've been researching resources 42:42 ever since I started attending 42:44 a 12-step recovery group for myself. 42:47 Of course, my first meeting ever was Narcotics Anonymous 42:50 and I attended it with my first husband 42:52 because I was supporting him with his struggle. 42:56 And that was the very first time 42:57 I ever attended a 12-step meeting. 43:00 Since then I've attended many different meetings 43:04 and different kinds of resources. 43:07 One, of course, is Alcoholics Anonymous, 43:11 Al-Anon is for family members of alcoholics, 43:14 but they don't just have to be alcoholics, 43:16 they can be anybody in your family 43:19 with an addiction of any kind, 43:21 Al-Anon is a great resource 43:23 and they have it for teens and for kids. 43:26 But because I'm a Christian and in church 43:29 I wanted to find out 43:30 what is there available for Christians 43:33 or from a Christ centered standpoint. 43:36 Because the very first meeting I went to, 43:39 everybody introduce themselves as, 43:40 "Hi, I'm so and so, I'm an addict." 43:43 If you go to an AA meeting it's, "I'm so and so, 43:45 I'm an alcoholic." 43:48 In Christ centered recovery groups, 43:52 you can place your identity 43:54 somewhere besides your addiction, 43:56 which is what I believe is Biblical. 43:58 Yes. 43:59 So I'm Juliet, 44:01 I'm first and foremost a believer 44:03 in the Lord Jesus Christ. 44:04 Amen. 44:06 And even if I were an alcoholic or drug addict 44:09 who I really am 44:11 is a grateful believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, 44:13 first of all. 44:14 Yes. 44:15 And then I struggle with this, whatever the addiction is. 44:20 And so I found Celebrate Recovery 44:23 is a great resource for Christians. 44:26 They are found in almost every large city 44:30 and many small cities. 44:33 And the Seventh-day Adventist church, 44:35 we have Adventist recovery ministries. 44:38 They have a program called Journey to Wholeness 44:41 that came out on 2012. 44:43 And it's a year long program that goes through the 12 steps. 44:48 We also have Cheri Peters. That's right. 44:51 Has a wonderful program called Celebrating Life in Recovery 44:55 and she even trains people to host their own groups, 44:59 you want to talk about it? 45:01 It's great, we've done that, well, 45:02 just because it's Cheri and 3ABN, 45:04 you know, we're connected. 45:05 We've done that program at our local church 45:08 and it's been a tremendous blessing 45:11 and then they did it as well in the community. 45:14 So yeah, it's a great program, yeah, go head. 45:18 So there are actually many resources available 45:21 and I just want to encourage people 45:23 who are wondering where to turn to look. 45:28 Google is your friend 45:30 when you can look for recovery groups 45:32 in your area 45:34 and if you don't have one start one. 45:35 Yes. 45:36 There are many training resources available 45:39 and I can promise you, 45:41 there are people in your church, 45:42 in you family, in your community 45:45 who would really benefit. 45:47 Yes. 45:48 From a place where they could be safe 45:50 and real and vulnerable and where they can grow. 45:54 Amen, 45:55 so you would encourage people in their local church... 45:57 Yes. 45:58 To get involved in the recovery group 46:00 in the local church setting. 46:01 Absolutely. 46:03 Reach out it's a wonderful outreach for the community 46:05 but we need healing as a family inside as well. 46:09 And so I think it promotes healing inside, 46:11 we reach out more effectively 46:14 as we are in the process of being healed 46:16 and then it's an outreach to the community too. 46:19 So that's wonderful. 46:20 In just moment we want to put up 46:22 your contact information... 46:23 Okay. 46:25 If someone wants to contact you. 46:26 But tell me, I know you have the book 46:27 and it's a wonderful book but as well, 46:30 you and your husband go out and speak 46:31 or tell me exactly what you and your husband do? 46:34 Okay, yes, 46:35 we have made a promise of commitment to God 46:38 that whenever we're asked to share our testimony 46:41 or just speak for him that we will say yes. 46:44 Amen. We can do it. 46:45 So I've had the opportunity to say, yes to churches 46:50 who've invited me to come to women's groups, 46:52 who've invited me to come and speak, 46:54 even in our community 46:57 non church related groups have invited me to come 47:01 and share my testimony and speak on recovery. 47:04 So we have a desire, 47:06 my husband and I have a desire 47:08 that every faith community has a recovery group. 47:11 Amen. 47:12 And so we're committed to helping churches 47:16 start a group and... 47:18 That's wonderful. 47:19 Helping them understand the need for it. 47:21 Yes. Amen. 47:22 Praise the Lord. 47:24 I know that Juliet and her husband 47:25 were at the Mountain View Conference this past summer, 47:27 of my in-laws are there at the conference. 47:29 And they had told me what a tremendous blessing, 47:32 you sharing and what you did there. 47:34 So we want to go to that address roll here, 47:36 if you would like to contact Juliet 47:38 or her husband Pastor Andre Van Heerden. 47:42 If you need help, if you need support, 47:45 if this book is a wonderful resource, 47:47 if you want to get involved in your local church 47:50 and doing a recovery group and you say, 47:52 "I just need some help here with this." 47:54 If you would like to invite them 47:55 to come speak at your church 47:58 or a women's event or organization, 48:01 here is how you can get in touch 48:03 with the Van Heerdens. 48:06 If you would like to get a copy of the book 48:08 "Same Dress, Different Day" 48:10 or if you would like to invite Juliet 48:12 to speak at your church, 48:14 you can do so by writing to Relevant Life Solutions, 48:17 4501 US-17, Fleming Island, 48:21 Florida 32003. 48:24 That's Relevant Life Solutions, 48:26 4501 US-17, Fleming Island, 48:30 Florida 32003. 48:33 You can call (305) 979-8820, 48:37 that's (305) 979-8820. 48:40 Or you can order online at SameDressDifferentDay.com. 48:45 That's SameDressDifferentDay.com. 48:51 We want to encourage you to contact Juliet for yourself 48:55 or her husband and get in touch with this wonderful couple, 48:59 this women of God who has experienced pain, 49:02 experienced the devastation of being married to someone 49:05 who is addicted, 49:07 but yet has experienced God's healing power. 49:11 God's touch in her life and God is working to restore the years 49:17 that the locust has eaten, so praise God 49:19 for what he's doing in your life. 49:21 Now we want to fast forward 49:23 because you have an exciting, 49:25 this is another way that God is restoring. 49:28 One of your dreams was to have children. 49:29 Yes. 49:30 And you did not have children 49:33 but yet God has blessed you with children, 49:36 so tell us about that. 49:38 Okay. 49:39 This is really fresh. 49:42 About a year ago, 49:44 my friend called me and asked me 49:46 if I would be willing to host a teenager from Ukraine. 49:51 And I said, "What are you talking about?" 49:55 And she said, "Well, we have a kid 49:58 who's coming over to America 50:00 but his host family said, they can't take him, 50:04 would you be willing to take a teenager for this summer?" 50:07 And my husband and I were like what? 50:10 We don't have any kids, 50:12 we don't know what to do with the teenager. 50:15 Anyway we prayed 50:17 and we're like God what should we do, 50:18 should we say yes to this kid? 50:20 My husband said, Andre says, 50:22 "We cannot take just one teenager 50:23 for the summer, we have to get two 50:25 at least they can play together and talk to each other." 50:28 Anyway we ended up hosting in 2015 for the summer, 50:32 two teenage boys from Ukraine. 50:33 Okay. 50:35 At the send of summer we didn't not want to let them go, 50:37 we were absolutely in love with these kids. 50:40 So this summer we spend three months in Ukraine 50:43 and we came back with these two young men, 50:47 they're 16 and... 50:49 They're both 16? Okay. They're both 16. 50:52 Daniel and Logan and we've adopted them there, 50:55 officially our sons. 50:57 And I never expected to go from 0 to 16, 51:02 no on-ramp for parenting, 51:04 so it's been a really interesting. 51:07 But that's what God has done for me 51:10 as far as being a parent, becoming a mom, 51:15 I never thought it was going to happen 51:16 and I'd almost given up that dream 51:18 but again I just see the goodness of God 51:20 in the land of the living. 51:21 Amen. 51:23 Oh, that's wonderful. 51:24 So are you still working as a teacher 51:26 or what's your role right now? 51:29 I know you're a mom, new mom. 51:31 Well, yes, right now I'm home schooling the boys 51:34 and we're working on English and Math 51:36 and so we're spending this year at home school. 51:38 So I'm a teacher, 51:40 but I'm not teaching first or second grade 51:41 like I did for so many years, I'm now teaching teenagers. 51:45 Amen. 51:47 I know you're testimony Juliet will minister to many people, 51:51 it will impact many people 51:53 who are in the midst of addiction 51:54 that may be you have someone, 51:56 you're married to someone or a child and the healing, 52:00 the wholeness that God wants to bring, 52:03 the restoration that he wants to bring 52:05 in our hearts and in our lives. 52:06 So right now, 52:08 we want to go to our news break, updates, 52:11 information from 3ABN and we'll be back 52:13 with a closing thought from Juliet. |
Revised 2017-01-04