Do you know someone who has had an abortion? 00:00:08.24\00:00:10.57 Or perhaps that someone is you. 00:00:10.61\00:00:12.71 Do you know someone who has suffered unimaginable 00:00:12.74\00:00:15.88 pain and guilt because of abortion? 00:00:15.91\00:00:18.61 If so, there is good news right here, 00:00:18.65\00:00:21.32 there is hope and healing for you - so don't away. 00:00:21.35\00:00:24.69 Welcome to Part 1 of a 13-part series called: 00:00:52.18\00:00:55.02 "The Abortion Controversy" 00:00:55.05\00:00:56.55 We are going to be dealing with a topic that 00:00:56.62\00:00:58.45 many people just don't want to talk about; 00:00:58.49\00:01:00.39 they buried it so deep and it's hard to get it out, 00:01:00.46\00:01:03.53 but we're going to do it. 00:01:03.56\00:01:04.89 We're going to do it with hearts of love. 00:01:04.93\00:01:07.23 My guest, for the first program, is "Dianne Wagner." 00:01:07.30\00:01:10.43 She is a retired registered nurse' she is a mother of 4. 00:01:10.47\00:01:13.94 She is from North Carolina and she has had 2 abortions herself. 00:01:14.00\00:01:17.91 She has suffered more than I'll ever know, 00:01:17.94\00:01:19.81 or that you'll ever know, and yet she has found hope 00:01:19.84\00:01:22.51 and healing and she is here to share her story with you, 00:01:22.54\00:01:26.58 and with me. 00:01:26.61\00:01:28.22 Dianne, thank you. Thank you, and I want to 00:01:28.25\00:01:31.82 tell you what first interested me, really, in doing 00:01:31.85\00:01:36.93 this series with you, having you come, 00:01:36.99\00:01:38.46 and having Antoinette come later on, and it started 00:01:38.49\00:01:41.43 with a friend that was sending me literature and books, 00:01:41.46\00:01:46.00 and information in the mail, and by email, 00:01:46.03\00:01:48.84 just really encouraging me to get involved in this topic. 00:01:48.87\00:01:51.97 And, I'm a busy man, I have a lot of things to do 00:01:52.01\00:01:54.34 with my wife, my kids, the ministry. 00:01:54.38\00:01:56.38 And, I just kept, you know, it wasn't really 00:01:56.41\00:01:58.85 on the front burner, but then I was sent a link to 00:01:58.88\00:02:04.62 your talk and Antoinette Duck's talk at ASI, 00:02:04.65\00:02:09.26 at a big church convention. 00:02:09.29\00:02:10.93 And, I was in Oregon, in a hotel on Saturday night, 00:02:10.96\00:02:14.96 and I had some free time, and I took out my phone, 00:02:15.00\00:02:18.10 and I found a link on my phone, 00:02:18.13\00:02:19.93 and I listened to your entire talk, your story. 00:02:20.00\00:02:22.94 And I tell you, Dianne, I was so... I just want to 00:02:22.97\00:02:25.77 hold your hand... I was so moved by listening 00:02:25.81\00:02:29.28 to what you had to say, and what Antoinette had to say, 00:02:29.31\00:02:31.55 that it just brought me over the line. 00:02:31.58\00:02:33.78 Praise the Lord. 00:02:33.82\00:02:35.25 And I thought, we have got to do a series on this, 00:02:35.28\00:02:38.62 and bring you here. 00:02:38.65\00:02:40.02 So here we are and the time is yours, 00:02:40.06\00:02:43.39 we'll bounce back and forth, but tell us what's on your heart. 00:02:43.43\00:02:46.49 Well, I love the title "Breaking the Silence," 00:02:46.53\00:02:49.00 because one thing I've learned is that people 00:02:49.03\00:02:51.17 are silent about this issue, and they are afraid to speak out... 00:02:51.20\00:02:56.44 And a lot of times, the reason they're afraid to speak out 00:02:56.47\00:02:58.94 is because they're afraid they are going to hurt somebody 00:02:58.97\00:03:01.54 who has had an abortion. 00:03:01.58\00:03:03.95 And I was one of those ladies who has had the abortion, 00:03:03.98\00:03:07.85 and no one talked about it, 00:03:07.88\00:03:09.75 no one knew how to talk about it. 00:03:09.78\00:03:11.59 And I'm one of many; in fact, since 1973 00:03:11.62\00:03:15.66 or between 1973 and 2011, there were 53 million abortions, 00:03:15.69\00:03:21.13 induced abortions in this country. 00:03:21.16\00:03:23.16 ... 53 million 00:03:23.20\00:03:24.97 And that's just up until 2011, it's estimated that it's up to 00:03:25.00\00:03:29.97 57 million now. 00:03:30.01\00:03:31.94 And correct me if I'm wrong, but that's just in America. 00:03:31.97\00:03:34.74 That's in America, that's correct. 00:03:34.78\00:03:36.34 Wow, we're dealing with a huge topic. 00:03:36.38\00:03:37.71 It's a big issue, it is, and, you know, as I looked 00:03:37.75\00:03:40.52 into it, I realized 21% of all pregnancies in this country 00:03:40.58\00:03:45.32 will end in an induced abortion. 00:03:45.35\00:03:48.06 And, half of American women will have an unintended, 00:03:48.09\00:03:53.09 not planned, pregnancy by the age of 45. Half - wow... 00:03:53.13\00:03:56.36 And 4 out of 10 of those pregnancies will be terminated 00:03:57.40\00:04:01.50 by abortion. 00:04:01.54\00:04:02.87 I thought that was very sobering and then 00:04:02.90\00:04:05.71 half of those ladies have already had one abortion already 00:04:05.74\00:04:10.08 which is very sobering. 00:04:10.15\00:04:12.55 Now, I thought, well who are these people? 00:04:12.58\00:04:15.45 Who are - who are the people who are having these abortions? 00:04:15.48\00:04:18.05 Well, 18% are teenagers, 57% are in their 20s, 00:04:18.09\00:04:24.83 44% are college-age kids which I thought was amazing, 00:04:24.86\00:04:29.16 37% are Protestant and 28% have a Catholic background. 00:04:29.20\00:04:35.40 Of those who are having abortion in America. That's right 00:04:35.44\00:04:38.54 I mean, that's more than half, that's just a shocking statistic 00:04:38.57\00:04:44.71 So what you're saying is based on the numbers, 00:04:44.75\00:04:47.12 that more than half of the abortions in America 00:04:47.18\00:04:50.95 are occurring with women that have 00:04:50.99\00:04:54.26 a religious background. Exactly... 00:04:54.29\00:04:57.59 Protestant or Catholic... 00:04:57.63\00:04:58.96 That's right, it's not just "out there," 00:04:58.99\00:05:01.33 it's in our church. It's in the churches as well. 00:05:01.36\00:05:03.60 It sounds like the divorce rate, too, I've heard 00:05:03.67\00:05:06.20 or read, it's similar to what is happening in the secular society 00:05:06.23\00:05:10.24 and in the church, the divorce rate is the same. 00:05:10.31\00:05:12.87 So the abortion numbers are right there too. 00:05:12.91\00:05:15.91 That's right, that's right, and you know, I was one of them. 00:05:15.94\00:05:18.88 I was brought up in a Seventh-day Adventist home, 00:05:18.91\00:05:22.72 and I went to the church school, and was a Pathfinder, 00:05:22.75\00:05:25.55 went to summer camp, loved summer camp. 00:05:25.59\00:05:27.66 Worked in summer camp, and went through the academy, 00:05:27.69\00:05:30.53 and have great memories of band trips and choir trips, 00:05:30.56\00:05:34.00 you know - temperance rallies and Bible conferences... 00:05:34.10\00:05:36.93 I loved it all. 00:05:36.97\00:05:38.30 In fact, it was in academy that 00:05:38.33\00:05:39.67 I gave my heart to Jesus at 15... 15 00:05:39.70\00:05:42.30 I loved the experience, and now, college was 00:05:42.34\00:05:45.74 harder for me because it was during the college years 00:05:45.77\00:05:48.18 that my parents divorced, and I experienced the prejudice 00:05:48.21\00:05:53.78 and the inconsistencies within this church 00:05:53.82\00:05:56.28 that I loved so much. 00:05:56.32\00:05:57.65 And, I'll be honest with you, I had to step back... 00:05:57.69\00:06:00.29 I had to reevaluate my position with the church... 00:06:00.32\00:06:04.26 You know, is God here? Is this where the Lord wants me? 00:06:04.29\00:06:07.76 Was I just growing up in some enchanted 00:06:07.83\00:06:10.37 Seventh-day Adventist bubble while growing up, 00:06:10.40\00:06:14.34 and now here's the cruel reality? 00:06:14.37\00:06:16.71 So you found out that the Adventist Church, 00:06:16.74\00:06:18.47 like other churches, is not a perfect church. 00:06:18.51\00:06:21.71 Exactly, exactly, and so by the time... 00:06:21.74\00:06:24.15 you know, I was engaged to be married 00:06:24.18\00:06:27.42 to my college sweetheart, the Lord had 00:06:27.45\00:06:29.65 had answered my questions. 00:06:29.68\00:06:31.05 And my husband-to-be and myself, we both wanted to have 00:06:31.09\00:06:35.52 a Seventh-day Adventist home, and we wanted to have a 00:06:35.56\00:06:37.83 Christian home, of course. 00:06:37.86\00:06:39.69 And I knew the Lord had anointed my church, 00:06:39.73\00:06:42.66 and I knew the Lord had a high calling for this church, 00:06:42.70\00:06:46.47 so I recommitted myself to it. 00:06:46.50\00:06:49.40 But now, with that said, 6 months before my wedding day, 00:06:49.44\00:06:53.11 I found out that I was pregnant. 00:06:53.14\00:06:55.08 And you told me that you messed up - you can say... One time. 00:06:55.11\00:07:00.05 One time and that one time was enough, 00:07:00.08\00:07:02.95 and then you discovered... oh my, 00:07:02.98\00:07:05.25 there's a baby inside me. 00:07:05.29\00:07:07.29 That's right - that didn't matter. 00:07:07.32\00:07:08.86 I had blown it, and I was embarrassed to death. 00:07:08.89\00:07:11.53 I was shamed, I just panicked, my life became a blur. 00:07:11.56\00:07:15.93 I know I called my mother, but I don't remember 00:07:15.96\00:07:19.07 a thing she said, and I called my fiancee; 00:07:19.10\00:07:22.37 don't remember a thing he said. 00:07:22.40\00:07:25.97 It's like amnesia, you just... 00:07:26.01\00:07:27.48 Panic, it's absolutely panic. 00:07:27.51\00:07:30.25 Blacked it out or just couldn't even remember. 00:07:30.28\00:07:31.61 Your life was in a whirlwind. 00:07:31.65\00:07:34.02 Scared to death, but the hospital that I was working at, 00:07:34.05\00:07:37.42 because I was a traveling nurse at the time, 00:07:37.49\00:07:39.22 they required x-rays on the lower back. 00:07:39.25\00:07:42.12 So I had had a series of x-rays on my back... 00:07:42.16\00:07:45.19 And that was before you knew that you were pregnant. 00:07:45.23\00:07:47.20 Before I knew I was pregnant. 00:07:47.23\00:07:48.56 And the tech had asked me if there was any way 00:07:48.60\00:07:50.93 or any chance you might be pregnant, 00:07:50.97\00:07:52.30 and I told her, No." 00:07:52.33\00:07:54.10 And of course, that just made it all the worse, 00:07:54.14\00:07:57.51 more embarrassed, more reason to be embarrassed, 00:07:57.57\00:07:59.81 because I should have, you know, known. 00:07:59.84\00:08:02.51 Well, the x-rays concerned me, so I called different physicians 00:08:02.54\00:08:07.95 that I had been working with, and everyone of them... 00:08:07.98\00:08:11.45 I asked them, "If I were your wife, 00:08:11.49\00:08:13.02 what would you want me to do?" 00:08:13.05\00:08:14.39 And every single one of them said, "Abort." 00:08:14.42\00:08:16.76 They would want her to abort the pregnancy. 00:08:16.79\00:08:19.89 And that's because of the x- rays... 00:08:19.93\00:08:21.70 That's right, and none of them referred to it as a 00:08:21.73\00:08:24.33 child or your baby - it was just "that pregnancy, 00:08:24.37\00:08:26.94 get rid of THAT pregnancy." ...terminate the pregnancy... 00:08:26.97\00:08:30.41 So I promptly turned around and called the abortion clinic 00:08:30.44\00:08:33.88 and found out how much it cost how far along I had to be, 00:08:33.91\00:08:37.35 and I set an appointment. Excuse me. 00:08:37.38\00:08:41.28 And that's what I did, and when I got to the clinic, 00:08:41.32\00:08:46.86 there was a counselor there that we were supposed to talk to. 00:08:46.89\00:08:50.33 And you were 25... I was 25 and scared to death. 00:08:50.36\00:08:55.40 I... I... there's, I can't even begin to describe to you 00:08:55.43\00:08:59.70 the fear and panic - it's a very bad situation. 00:08:59.73\00:09:04.14 Well this counselor, she wasn't a Christian, 00:09:04.17\00:09:07.01 but she was sympathetic, and she assured me 00:09:07.04\00:09:09.94 that at that time, it was just a fuzz ball. 00:09:09.98\00:09:12.75 And, I was a nurse and I had studied plenty, you know, 00:09:12.78\00:09:16.62 anatomy and physiology, but it never occurred to me 00:09:16.65\00:09:19.45 to question that. 00:09:19.49\00:09:21.72 In fact, I was so afraid and so panicked, 00:09:21.76\00:09:25.43 and looking back at it, I realize it even more because 00:09:25.46\00:09:28.46 I consented to have this procedure done without 00:09:28.50\00:09:31.07 even any anesthesia... Oh wow 00:09:31.10\00:09:33.34 which was a nightmare. 00:09:33.37\00:09:34.70 The pain was so bad, I lost consciousness. 00:09:34.74\00:09:38.77 And, it was just a very bad situation. 00:09:38.81\00:09:43.65 So, after it was over, you do feel a sense of relief, 00:09:43.68\00:09:50.02 but it's very brief... for me it was very brief. 00:09:50.09\00:09:53.22 And the fact, the reality of what I had done was harrowing. 00:09:53.25\00:09:59.16 Now when you say, "The reality of what you had done," 00:09:59.19\00:10:01.83 did you have the sober moments that were then coming to you 00:10:01.86\00:10:07.10 once you got on the other side of the initial feelings of 00:10:07.14\00:10:12.21 relief, that you were starting to realize that it was a child 00:10:12.27\00:10:17.41 that you had done this to? Sure! 00:10:17.45\00:10:19.11 A pregnancy means a child. 00:10:19.15\00:10:20.88 So it wasn't a fuzz ball. No 00:10:20.92\00:10:22.58 And then as time went on, you realized 00:10:22.62\00:10:24.15 this was more than a fuzz ball. Yes 00:10:24.19\00:10:25.59 You knew too much about the body and about 00:10:25.62\00:10:27.99 the developmental process, and later on we're going to go 00:10:28.02\00:10:30.39 into the details about what really happens... Right 00:10:30.43\00:10:34.56 So it was very bad - I hated myself. 00:10:34.60\00:10:37.30 I had anger towards my husband, and neither one of us knew 00:10:37.33\00:10:43.44 what was going on. 00:10:43.47\00:10:45.87 And something died inside of me that day, 00:10:45.91\00:10:49.88 and it had an impact on me that would affect every aspect 00:10:49.91\00:10:53.95 of my life - it was profound. 00:10:53.98\00:10:57.75 So, I hated myself, and I started punishing myself. 00:10:57.79\00:11:05.29 I remember, one night, I got up and got the scissors 00:11:05.33\00:11:09.63 cut off all my hair, really short - stubs. 00:11:09.66\00:11:15.67 My husband didn't know - I don't even think he realized, 00:11:15.70\00:11:19.64 or really know he didn't realize all this had to do 00:11:19.67\00:11:21.98 with the abortion. 00:11:22.01\00:11:23.61 And, there were times when I would go into the bathroom 00:11:23.65\00:11:26.72 and I would sit on the toilet and I would take a razor 00:11:26.78\00:11:30.25 and I would run that razor up the inside of my arm. 00:11:30.29\00:11:32.85 And I can remember sitting there and just watching 00:11:32.89\00:11:35.09 the blood - I had never heard of cutting. 00:11:35.12\00:11:38.26 You know now, they talk about 00:11:38.29\00:11:40.26 kids cutting themselves and stuff. Right 00:11:40.30\00:11:42.76 And, as I look at it, I had so much pain on the inside,` 00:11:42.80\00:11:48.54 but on the outside, I was numb, 00:11:48.57\00:11:50.67 and it was like I needed to feel pain. 00:11:50.74\00:11:53.04 I needed to feel like I was still alive. 00:11:53.07\00:11:56.38 It was very strange. 00:11:56.41\00:11:57.81 And did you connect at that point, 00:11:57.85\00:12:01.38 that this - what you were doing, cutting off your hair, 00:12:01.42\00:12:03.99 and cutting your arm, that that was connected to 00:12:04.02\00:12:06.62 the abortion or did you not really get that yet? 00:12:06.65\00:12:09.49 You know, it's strange because I don't think I did completely. 00:12:09.52\00:12:13.90 I was just very, very unhappy, very insecure. 00:12:13.93\00:12:19.13 I had an incredible feeling of unworthiness. 00:12:19.17\00:12:22.30 You know, I was just dead. 00:12:22.34\00:12:25.51 I had... I was just... I had froze up. 00:12:25.54\00:12:28.61 The sad thing about that is... about that time 00:12:28.64\00:12:31.48 I found out I was pregnant again. 00:12:31.51\00:12:33.72 Now this was after my husband and I, we had been married. 00:12:33.78\00:12:36.48 This was still within the year though. 00:12:36.52\00:12:38.19 And, I already knew I was not fit to be a mother. 00:12:38.22\00:12:42.16 I was... like I said, I hated myself. 00:12:42.19\00:12:46.76 Were you still, at that point, were you still going to church, 00:12:46.80\00:12:50.23 after you had married, and now you're into 00:12:50.30\00:12:52.67 your second pregnancy, and you were going to church, 00:12:52.70\00:12:56.47 ... yes... you were listening to sermons, 00:12:56.50\00:12:57.84 and yet, evidently it still wasn't... 00:12:57.87\00:13:01.14 the sermons or whatever you were hearing 00:13:01.18\00:13:02.68 wasn't penetrating you enough to really deal with your 00:13:02.71\00:13:04.88 root issue that was simmering and destroying you. 00:13:04.91\00:13:09.68 No, I had buried it pretty deep. 00:13:09.72\00:13:12.02 You know, my husband was in dental school at the time, 00:13:12.05\00:13:14.36 and no one knew... no one knew it was very deep at that time, 00:13:14.39\00:13:20.33 and so when we - when I found out I was pregnant again, 00:13:20.40\00:13:25.33 I knew I wasn't fit to be a mother, like I said, 00:13:25.37\00:13:27.90 and so I made the appointment. 00:13:27.94\00:13:30.11 I lied about how far along I was - I wasn't quite, 00:13:30.17\00:13:33.27 you know, far along enough, but this time we did get the 00:13:33.34\00:13:37.01 anesthesia because the pain is so very bad. 00:13:37.05\00:13:39.65 So you went back to a clinic. 00:13:39.68\00:13:41.05 We went back to another clinic and the first time I had it, 00:13:41.08\00:13:45.82 I cried, I was very afraid and the physician that was there 00:13:45.85\00:13:50.19 held me - he hugged me, but after I passed out 00:13:50.23\00:13:53.60 the second time, this was the first abortion, he got mad. 00:13:53.66\00:13:56.16 Well this time, the second abortion, 00:13:57.20\00:14:00.24 I didn't have any tears, I had no emotion. 00:14:00.27\00:14:04.01 I just went in, I listened to a little speech 00:14:04.04\00:14:06.68 that you were supposed to hear, and had it done. 00:14:06.71\00:14:09.08 And at this point, you had not had any children yet, right? 00:14:09.11\00:14:11.48 No, no - No, I wasn't fit at that time, I felt I wasn't fit. 00:14:11.51\00:14:15.85 So, this baby that had been taken was taken 00:14:15.88\00:14:22.69 mercilessly from the security of my womb and my identity 00:14:22.72\00:14:27.30 was being stripped mercilessly from my soul. 00:14:27.40\00:14:30.03 I was becoming more and more of an empty existing... 00:14:30.07\00:14:33.90 you gotta exist... people around you 00:14:33.94\00:14:36.34 don't have a clue what you're carrying on inside. 00:14:36.37\00:14:40.68 So, you continue to exist... 00:14:40.74\00:14:44.41 And you told me that you reached out - you started to... 00:14:44.45\00:14:47.95 you found out something about some potential help. 00:14:47.98\00:14:50.45 I did, in fact, one of the things I struggled with 00:14:50.49\00:14:53.62 that really got a hold of me after the second abortion... 00:14:53.66\00:14:56.89 The first abortion I dealt with bulimia a little bit, 00:14:56.93\00:15:00.46 but after my second one, it got me full grip. 00:15:00.53\00:15:03.13 And bulimia, you know, is an eating disorder where you 00:15:03.16\00:15:06.33 just stuff yourself with food until you just can't 00:15:06.37\00:15:10.71 stuff anymore down and then you purge - you vomit, 00:15:10.74\00:15:14.01 you just vomit all over the place, 00:15:14.08\00:15:16.11 and it's just... it is a good feeling! 00:15:16.14\00:15:19.01 It's like you're up and out. 00:15:19.05\00:15:21.25 You know, it's like the pain coming out with cutting, 00:15:21.28\00:15:23.59 except this is the pain coming up and out... 00:15:23.62\00:15:27.19 And, at the time, I didn't realize what I needed 00:15:27.26\00:15:30.13 was a redemptive purge. 00:15:30.16\00:15:32.59 I need to be able to get up all this pain 00:15:32.63\00:15:35.30 and have the healing of a redeeming Savior, 00:15:35.33\00:15:38.27 you know, something that would come and take all my pain, 00:15:38.30\00:15:41.10 and replace it with something that was real, that would last. 00:15:41.14\00:15:45.91 Well, you know, the bulimia only just brought more shame, 00:15:45.94\00:15:50.71 and it brought more secrecy. 00:15:50.75\00:15:52.21 You have food hidden everywhere and you spend money... 00:15:52.25\00:15:54.98 And, you know, I told you my husband was in school, 00:15:55.02\00:15:57.05 we were poor. 00:15:57.09\00:15:58.42 So, to be spending money on food like that 00:15:58.45\00:16:01.86 just put more of a stress on the relationship, especially when 00:16:01.89\00:16:04.89 it's done in secrecy, so it was a very hard time. 00:16:04.93\00:16:10.37 Now here I was, a new bride, 00:16:10.40\00:16:12.63 and all the joys of being a new bride 00:16:12.67\00:16:14.97 were being taken away from me. 00:16:15.00\00:16:16.94 I couldn't sleep at night and I was very depressed. 00:16:17.01\00:16:20.58 And, I finally went to a therapist and she gave me 00:16:20.61\00:16:24.45 the sleeping pills and she gave me the pills for depression, 00:16:24.48\00:16:27.75 but she never took a history. 00:16:27.78\00:16:29.72 She never tried to find out what was at the 00:16:29.75\00:16:31.72 root of this problem which is very unfortunate. 00:16:31.75\00:16:36.93 But, so eventually I just stopped taking the pills, 00:16:36.96\00:16:40.60 kind of gave up - it was just 00:16:40.63\00:16:42.23 not really taking care of the problem. 00:16:42.26\00:16:44.83 And thank God you didn't decide 00:16:44.87\00:16:46.47 to take too many pills... Take all of them... 00:16:46.50\00:16:48.24 It was only by the grace of God that I'm sitting here... Wow 00:16:48.27\00:16:51.24 That's by God's grace. 00:16:51.27\00:16:54.44 And then, the other thing is our marriage 00:16:54.48\00:16:57.21 was just falling apart and we loved each other. 00:16:57.25\00:17:00.18 We've loved each other since college. 00:17:00.25\00:17:01.75 So, you know, we wanted help, and we went to a marriage 00:17:01.78\00:17:04.85 counselor and, after meeting with us one time, 00:17:04.89\00:17:08.79 she told us that she didn't think our 00:17:08.82\00:17:10.16 marriage could be saved which was devastating... 00:17:10.19\00:17:13.33 And she never asked us if we had ever had a miscarriage, 00:17:13.36\00:17:16.56 or stillbirth or an abortion because these type 00:17:16.60\00:17:21.07 situations can put all kinds of pressure and play havoc 00:17:21.10\00:17:25.74 with the relationship. 00:17:25.77\00:17:27.11 It's an unresolved issue that needs to be addressed. 00:17:27.18\00:17:29.81 So we left that and everything 00:17:29.84\00:17:34.42 seemed pretty - pretty dismal, yes, and it was hopeless. 00:17:34.45\00:17:42.96 There, for a while, it was very, very depressing, 00:17:42.99\00:17:44.79 and one night I remember scraping up the courage 00:17:44.83\00:17:46.90 to call a 1-800 hot line number. 00:17:46.93\00:17:49.90 I had heard an advertisement on the radio 00:17:49.93\00:17:51.97 about women who had had abortion and there was hope. 00:17:52.00\00:17:55.00 You know, it sounded good. 00:17:55.04\00:17:56.40 It sounded good. Right! 00:17:56.44\00:17:57.77 And so I wrote down that 1-800 number 00:17:57.81\00:17:59.57 and that night, I hid in the washroom by myself, 00:17:59.61\00:18:03.98 I remember exactly where I was and I called that number. 00:18:04.01\00:18:07.05 And the woman answered, and I told her my story, 00:18:07.08\00:18:11.02 and she - the first thing she said was... 00:18:11.05\00:18:14.42 "Well you know abortion is murder, don't you?" 00:18:14.46\00:18:18.56 It just took me off guard, there was no grace, no mercy, 00:18:18.59\00:18:22.50 no kindness even in that response, 00:18:22.53\00:18:25.30 so I hung up the phone. 00:18:25.33\00:18:26.94 I just totally... it just messed me up! 00:18:26.97\00:18:31.07 Well then just maybe 2 weeks later one of the girls 00:18:31.11\00:18:34.31 I worked with asked me if I wanted to come and join them 00:18:34.34\00:18:37.18 for church, so David and I, we did. 00:18:37.25\00:18:41.48 The next Sunday, we went to church with them, 00:18:41.52\00:18:45.45 and their preacher was speaking on abortion... Oh wow 00:18:45.49\00:18:49.56 And he was very loud and very animated, 00:18:49.59\00:18:52.23 and he just got louder and louder and finally 00:18:52.26\00:18:55.70 with this burst of proclamation he declared that 00:18:55.73\00:19:00.37 the Lord would not and could not forgive a woman 00:19:00.40\00:19:03.14 who had had an abortion. 00:19:03.17\00:19:04.97 And, I can remember sitting out in the congregation, 00:19:05.01\00:19:09.41 and it's like - that man confirmed right then and there 00:19:09.44\00:19:13.11 every reason I had for hating myself, and every reason 00:19:13.15\00:19:17.55 I had for thinking there was no hope for me... Wow 00:19:17.62\00:19:21.36 So, it was a long time after that 00:19:21.39\00:19:24.83 before I reached out to anybody again. 00:19:24.86\00:19:26.93 That's when I just really sucked it up, 00:19:26.96\00:19:29.96 you know, and didn't say anything. 00:19:30.00\00:19:32.77 Let's move in... we only have so much time 00:19:32.80\00:19:35.17 in this first segment - we've got more coming. 00:19:35.20\00:19:37.14 But, let's move into how you began to discover 00:19:37.21\00:19:41.01 that there was hope for you. 00:19:41.04\00:19:43.28 Well, the bulimia did continue. 00:19:43.35\00:19:47.32 You know, the life of survival continued... 00:19:47.35\00:19:50.09 Six years it was before I got help, 00:19:50.12\00:19:53.25 and I had 3 children at the time. 00:19:53.29\00:19:56.32 My husband and I were in trouble. 00:19:56.36\00:19:59.46 My sister said she had a friend she wanted me to go see, 00:19:59.49\00:20:02.66 and I did - I went to this woman and she had a ministry. 00:20:02.70\00:20:06.70 And, I really didn't know - have any particular 00:20:06.74\00:20:09.97 reason for going, but she was very kind and discerning, 00:20:10.01\00:20:13.68 and she brought me to the feet of Jesus. 00:20:13.74\00:20:15.74 And I was so beaten down, I didn't even know how to pray. 00:20:15.78\00:20:18.75 Did you talk about the abortion with her? 00:20:18.78\00:20:20.12 Not initially, she gained my confidence. 00:20:20.18\00:20:22.22 She was so kind to me, and so interested in me 00:20:22.25\00:20:25.99 that she first gained my confidence. 00:20:26.02\00:20:28.32 And she was so kind, that before I left, 00:20:28.36\00:20:31.43 I really felt compelled like I wanted to share that with her. 00:20:31.46\00:20:34.66 And I did, and she took it very serious, 00:20:34.73\00:20:37.43 you know, she didn't take it lightly. 00:20:37.50\00:20:41.40 And she called it a sin and that I needed to confess that sin, 00:20:41.44\00:20:47.31 and acknowledge it as a sin. Really... 00:20:47.34\00:20:50.08 And so she took me back to the feet of Jesus. 00:20:50.11\00:20:53.78 But that didn't make you want to run away... No 00:20:53.85\00:20:57.22 Not in that case... Absolutely not. Absolutely not. 00:20:57.25\00:21:00.86 The preacher, you know, thumping - that made me run, 00:21:00.89\00:21:04.56 and the 800 line, but not this lady. 00:21:04.59\00:21:06.80 It was like, "thank you." 00:21:06.83\00:21:09.56 So we knelt and she prayed and I prayed, 00:21:09.60\00:21:12.70 and that night, I confessed the sin of abortion. 00:21:12.73\00:21:15.44 You did... Yeah, I confessed out loud, 00:21:15.47\00:21:17.97 praying with this woman and asked Jesus to forgive me. 00:21:18.01\00:21:22.68 And it was the beginning of a journey that I wish 00:21:22.71\00:21:29.08 had been shorter, which we will get into, 00:21:29.12\00:21:31.49 but it was the first steps, and it made a huge 00:21:31.52\00:21:34.12 difference in my life. 00:21:34.16\00:21:35.49 That night, as a physical demonstration of 00:21:35.52\00:21:37.86 the Lord's healing, He took my bulimia away, 00:21:37.89\00:21:41.20 and I really believe He physically did that so that 00:21:41.23\00:21:44.57 later - months and years to come, 00:21:44.60\00:21:46.77 I would have assurance that the Lord had forgiven me 00:21:46.80\00:21:49.80 because when you still feel pain and misery, 00:21:49.84\00:21:52.44 it's easy to doubt the Lord's forgiveness, 00:21:52.47\00:21:55.44 but I knew He had forgiven me and I hung on to that. 00:21:55.48\00:21:59.35 That was the beginning... That was - yes. 00:21:59.38\00:22:01.35 So I'm just to zero in on this... 00:22:01.38\00:22:03.39 So it was the realization through the woman that 00:22:03.42\00:22:07.82 helped you with a loving heart, Absolutely! 00:22:07.86\00:22:10.63 that you had, she said, "Committed a sin," 00:22:10.66\00:22:13.50 and your acceptance of that and recognition of that, 00:22:13.53\00:22:17.53 and then actually verbally saying that to God, right? 00:22:17.57\00:22:22.10 You opened your mouth and you confessed that. I did. 00:22:22.14\00:22:24.77 Because a lot of people I know, and we're going to 00:22:24.87\00:22:26.24 talk about this more - that the issue of, 00:22:26.27\00:22:28.11 "Is abortion a sin or not," we're going to get into that 00:22:28.14\00:22:31.38 more - what's really going on with what's inside the body... 00:22:31.41\00:22:35.32 Is it really a person or is it just a fuzz ball... 00:22:35.35\00:22:38.55 But anyway, just for in your case, it was the recognition 00:22:38.59\00:22:42.96 that you had done wrong, had committed a sin 00:22:42.99\00:22:46.03 within the context of someone that cared about you, 00:22:46.06\00:22:49.26 and acknowledging that, that opened the door 00:22:49.30\00:22:52.63 for God to really work and for you to start 00:22:52.67\00:22:56.24 experiencing His forgiveness and His grace, is that right? 00:22:56.27\00:23:00.61 Yes, His power - it was an incredible life-changing night, 00:23:00.68\00:23:05.61 and even though the journey was not going to be easy 00:23:05.65\00:23:09.18 right off, it absolutely gave me courage to continue to 00:23:09.22\00:23:13.76 exist because at that point, I was exhausted, 00:23:13.79\00:23:17.13 and I did want to run away from it all. 00:23:17.16\00:23:18.86 That's why my sister sent me to her, because she knew 00:23:18.89\00:23:21.53 I was on the brink and I know the Lord put her in my life... 00:23:21.56\00:23:26.03 And I was so glad that she was secure enough that she could 00:23:26.07\00:23:29.67 say, "Call it a sin, but yet be so completely 00:23:29.70\00:23:34.74 confident in the Lord's ability to forgive... His grace. 00:23:34.78\00:23:39.68 There's a verse in Jeremiah 3:11 where God told Israel... 00:23:39.71\00:23:44.35 He said, "Only acknowledge your sin," be willing to confess that 00:23:44.39\00:23:49.86 And then He said, "I am married to you; return oh backsliding 00:23:49.89\00:23:53.96 children, says the Lord." 00:23:54.00\00:23:55.30 And that God still loved Israel, He loves us, He loves you, 00:23:55.33\00:23:58.13 He loves me, He loves us all, but we do have to... 00:23:58.17\00:24:00.84 we have to own up to what we've done and that is part of the 00:24:00.87\00:24:05.04 healing process, and if we short circuit that, 00:24:05.07\00:24:08.18 we're not really going to find the mercy and the grace, 00:24:08.21\00:24:11.71 and the love and the forgiveness of God. 00:24:11.75\00:24:13.45 And, you know, God's forgiveness is real, it's very powerful, 00:24:13.52\00:24:16.55 I've experienced it myself, it's changed my life, too. 00:24:16.58\00:24:19.05 So, wow... anymore? We have a little bit of time 00:24:19.09\00:24:22.72 ... another 5 minutes. 00:24:22.76\00:24:24.76 I just wanted to really stress the importance 00:24:24.79\00:24:29.03 that this woman had in my life because she 00:24:29.06\00:24:31.77 validated what was bringing me down, 00:24:31.80\00:24:35.47 and she validated it because she called it "sin." 00:24:35.50\00:24:38.74 You know, so many times, we try to soft-pedal 00:24:38.77\00:24:42.28 part of being sensitive... 00:24:42.31\00:24:43.91 you know, part of the trying - we don't want to hurt someone. 00:24:43.95\00:24:47.38 And certainly we need to use wisdom and tact, 00:24:47.42\00:24:50.45 and God's wisdom... 00:24:50.49\00:24:51.82 That's where the pastor and the Help-line didn't help you. 00:24:51.85\00:24:54.89 They called it "sin," but grace wasn't there. 00:24:54.92\00:24:58.76 The grace wasn't there... 00:24:58.79\00:25:00.23 And the love wasn't there, and the mercy wasn't there. 00:25:00.26\00:25:02.33 That's right, and, and... 00:25:02.36\00:25:03.70 And you ran from that... 00:25:03.77\00:25:05.10 I did, and I see more and more there is a change, 00:25:05.13\00:25:07.84 you know, that even the pro-life movement, 00:25:07.87\00:25:10.51 initially, they were just all about the baby, 00:25:10.54\00:25:12.61 all about the baby and would walk all over the mother. 00:25:12.64\00:25:14.84 And now, they're realizing the mother has value 00:25:14.88\00:25:18.28 just as much as that baby. 00:25:18.31\00:25:19.95 And so now, they are approaching both of them. 00:25:20.02\00:25:23.15 And they are making a big difference; 00:25:23.18\00:25:24.95 David Reardon has made a big impact. 00:25:24.99\00:25:27.76 Who is David Reardon? 00:25:27.79\00:25:29.12 He is one of the advocates for abortion, 00:25:29.16\00:25:32.29 not promoting abortion, but opposing abortion, 00:25:32.33\00:25:36.03 and post-abortive stress and trauma. 00:25:36.06\00:25:40.00 And I was really glad to hear him say that - - how it's not 00:25:40.04\00:25:43.24 all about the baby, it's that baby and her mother, 00:25:43.27\00:25:46.84 and even, you know, other people who are involved, 00:25:46.88\00:25:50.85 father if he is there. 00:25:50.91\00:25:53.78 So people in all camps need... we have a lot to learn. 00:25:53.82\00:25:57.05 Absolutely, that's why I'm so glad we're breaking 00:25:57.09\00:25:59.89 the silence on this issue... And, you're talking 00:25:59.92\00:26:01.56 about it well... And thank you, thank you. 00:26:01.59\00:26:03.32 Sure, we hope, our hope and prayer is that you're 00:26:03.36\00:26:05.29 testimony and Antoinette's testimony, when she comes, 00:26:05.33\00:26:07.66 that this is all just going to open up the floodgates 00:26:07.73\00:26:11.43 of emotion and people are going to break the silence. 00:26:11.47\00:26:15.10 They're going to come out, they're going to talk, 00:26:15.14\00:26:16.81 and that the talking and looking at the Bible in a balanced way, 00:26:16.84\00:26:20.28 and looking to God and to Jesus, that it's going to result 00:26:20.31\00:26:23.35 in tremendous healing and just waves of goodness 00:26:23.38\00:26:27.02 which, I mean there's a lot of women and men... 00:26:27.05\00:26:28.98 We'll talk about the men's issue too later on. Absolutely 00:26:29.02\00:26:30.69 That a lot of us are hurting, people are hurting on all sides, 00:26:30.72\00:26:34.29 and people need the Healer. 00:26:34.32\00:26:36.39 Jesus said, in the book of Luke 4:18, 00:26:36.42\00:26:40.93 Jesus said that "The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me 00:26:40.96\00:26:44.77 because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel, 00:26:44.80\00:26:49.20 the good news to the poor. He has sent Me to heal 00:26:49.24\00:26:51.74 the brokenhearted and to proclaim 00:26:51.77\00:26:55.08 liberty to the captives and the recovery of sight 00:26:55.11\00:26:59.08 to those who are blind, and to proclaim the acceptable 00:26:59.11\00:27:03.05 year of the Lord." 00:27:03.08\00:27:05.45 God knows what we've done, He knows anything 00:27:05.49\00:27:07.12 that we've ever done and no matter how deep or dark 00:27:07.19\00:27:09.29 our sin and pain and guilt, Jesus is a healer. 00:27:09.32\00:27:14.36 He opens the eyes of the blind and He can heal the 00:27:14.40\00:27:16.36 brokenhearted and He can heal you in your life 00:27:16.40\00:27:18.83 whatever has ever happened to you. 00:27:18.87\00:27:20.84 And our hope is that you will discover that healing power 00:27:20.87\00:27:23.81 through the series "The Abortion Controversy" 00:27:23.84\00:27:27.68 Dianne Wagner and Antoinette Duck share 00:27:27.71\00:27:30.05 powerful life-changing information in this 00:27:30.08\00:27:32.38 13-part series "The Abortion Controversy" 00:27:32.41\00:27:35.68 To order this 6-1/2 hour DVD set for only $34.95, 00:27:35.72\00:27:40.36 call 1-800-782-4253 00:27:40.39\00:27:43.73 That's 1-800-782-4253 00:27:43.76\00:27:47.60 Or, you can write to the following: 00:27:47.60\00:27:48.93 Or, order online at whitehorsemedia.com 00:27:53.54\00:27:57.57