When I was growing up,
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I never found anyone really
talking about the gay issue,
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in fact every
reference that was made
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about the gay issue
in those days was a slur.
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I remember thinking that
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there was
something different about me,
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something wasn't right,
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and the other kids
in the neighborhood
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started to pick up on it too
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and so they would call me
sissy, queer, faggot, homo,
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and yet I couldn't help
what I was attracted to.
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There is so much
confusion even in Christianity
00:00:56.92\00:00:59.82
about homosexuality
is because for so long
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no one wanted to
address the topic.
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There is
something that I was missing
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all those years in my
study and in my struggle
00:01:10.83\00:01:14.64
that I came to
discover as I studied Jesus.
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I share my testimony today,
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there's many people that come
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and identify with the fact that,
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"Hey, I'm not gay,
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" but you were
certainly talking to me.
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In telling my story, I
don't want people to think
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that this was all doom and
gloom and it's a sad story,
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there were many good
experiences in my life.
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However, there were things
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that happened in
my early childhood
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that really derailed me.
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When I was born my dad,
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I'm sure had great plans for me.
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Being his only
son of four children
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and when I came along,
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my dad was so
proud that he had a son
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that he actually
named me "Junior"
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so I am Michael
James after my dad.
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It's interesting
because, even to this day,
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sometimes I
really regret my name.
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My natural mother,
relatives were around her
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while she was
carrying me to full term,
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and during that time,
relatives would say so,
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"Jan, you can
have a boy or girl."
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And she's, well,
there's no way I'm having a boy.
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I'm only going to have a
girl, that's all there is to it.
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There was no other alternative,
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she was just planning
gonna have a baby girl.
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And so, May 6,
of a certain year,
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I was born,
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a baby boy.
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When I was born,
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I came into a
challenged family situation.
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My sister and
brother were already six
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and eight years old.
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My parents were
struggling in their marriage,
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and they really weren't planning
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on having any more children.
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As a little girl,
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after my mom
introduced me to Jesus,
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I was totally stoked about it.
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I memorized books, the Bible,
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and could flip
through scripture,
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and quote off
Bible verses to you
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when I was like six.
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And my mom was totally
excited and she was like,
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"You're gonna
become a missionary,
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and Jesus is going
to work amazing things
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through your life,
and aren't you excited?"
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And I was like "I
wanted to be a missionary."
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I'm sure that my
dad had every intention
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of playing football with me
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and doing all of
these macho things
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that he liked to do.
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And everything that
my dad liked, I hated.
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I liked playing with
dolls, I had three sisters
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and my dad would
be gone a lot of time,
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so most of time I'd
be playing with dolls
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or dressing up in
my sister's clothes
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or my mom's clothes,
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and I began gender
dysphoria at an early age.
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As my aunt and uncle adopted me,
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they began to see that,
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that things were
taking place in my life,
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I was at the age of three, I
was running around the house,
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I was screaming, "I
don't want to be a boy,
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I want to be a girl."
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I was playing with
scarves and dresses.
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And I'm sure they
begin to think, "Wow!
00:05:01.43\00:05:04.10
What if we get
our hands on here?"
00:05:04.13\00:05:07.37
People didn't talk about
same sex attraction then.
00:05:07.40\00:05:12.07
I knew that because
I would get punished
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if I got caught playing
dolls, or I would be teased,
00:05:14.84\00:05:18.31
or ridiculed by my dad on mainly
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if I was playing
with my sisters' barbies,
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that I knew that
something wasn't right
00:05:24.25\00:05:26.05
and yet I couldn't help
what I was attracted to.
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And I remember
thinking that "If I was a girl,
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I could do it
better than my sisters."
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I went to school
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and they started teasing
me from the very first day.
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I just saw it to be
amazing to be able to endure
00:05:41.90\00:05:48.21
on the teasing and
the harassment that I got.
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Even, some of my
teachers, most notably,
00:05:52.31\00:05:56.45
my Bible teacher would encourage
00:05:56.48\00:05:59.52
and laugh along with the guys
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that were
teasing and harassing me.
00:06:02.36\00:06:04.46
One of the most unlikely
places that I would think
00:06:04.49\00:06:06.63
that this would come from.
00:06:06.66\00:06:08.10
I look to teachers for shelter,
00:06:08.13\00:06:11.20
for hope,
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protection.
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I remember, I would go home
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and I would go into our bathroom
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that had a door on either side,
and I would lock both doors,
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and I would look in the mirror,
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and I would punch
myself in the face,
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and I would scream at God,
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and I would yell at him
and I would say, "Why God, why?
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Why did you create a boy
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when I was
supposed to be a girl?"
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I was only four years old,
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one of six children.
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We lived in the country,
00:06:43.50\00:06:44.83
my parents had
moved to the country
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they thought that
would be a safe place
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to raise their children.
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And my dad was a dairy farmer.
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And so we lived
on this big farm.
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And it was at
that tender age of four
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that I was
actually sexually molested
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by one of the farm hands,
00:07:01.82\00:07:03.99
and that really confused me.
00:07:04.02\00:07:07.19
School stuff
and extended family,
00:07:07.26\00:07:11.43
we had a rough relationship
with extended family.
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And they got more stressful
00:07:15.33\00:07:16.97
when my older cousin
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started molesting and raping me.
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Then I didn't trust anybody
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because I felt like I
couldn't tell anybody.
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So he continued to
have vacations with them
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and go places with them,
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and he even looked at our house
for a while, and nobody knew.
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It was from the time
I was 7 till I was 13.
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And it was every time I saw
him so multiple times a year.
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And I thought I
would get in trouble
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if I told somebody
because he always said,
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"If you tell anybody about this,
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you'll break the family up."
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There was a girl
living down the street,
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she was the same
age as me, seven.
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She introduced me
to sexual experience.
00:07:57.34\00:07:59.21
So we started experimenting
with each other physically
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and it became an
addiction for me very quickly.
00:08:02.61\00:08:05.75
One day, for some reason
00:08:05.78\00:08:07.58
I ended up
confiding in an older kid
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in the neighborhood,
00:08:09.55\00:08:10.89
and I told him
that we were having
00:08:10.95\00:08:13.05
sexual
encounters with each other.
00:08:13.09\00:08:15.26
But later he ended up
going and telling my sister,
00:08:15.29\00:08:17.93
and my sister told my mom.
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You know, instead
of my mom using it
00:08:20.20\00:08:22.86
as an occasion to kind
of sit down and talk to me
00:08:22.90\00:08:25.73
about the
importance of sexual purity,
00:08:25.77\00:08:28.50
maybe she didn't
know how to react to it,
00:08:28.54\00:08:30.34
but for some reason,
00:08:30.37\00:08:31.71
her and my sister really used it
00:08:31.74\00:08:33.71
as an occasion
to poke fun at me.
00:08:33.74\00:08:36.11
I thought, "Okay, well,
obviously this is something
00:08:36.14\00:08:38.21
that I can't
really tell anyone about.
00:08:38.25\00:08:40.08
I can't talk to
anyone about this."
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What happened for me
is, my dad was scary.
00:08:43.32\00:08:46.35
When he was
home, he would be loud
00:08:46.39\00:08:48.39
and his discipline was abusive.
00:08:48.42\00:08:51.26
He was always angry.
00:08:51.29\00:08:52.86
Because my dad was in the navy,
00:08:52.89\00:08:54.20
he'd be gone sometimes
two to six months at a time
00:08:54.23\00:08:56.80
and so, he either
wasn't there for me
00:08:56.83\00:08:59.13
or when he was, he was abusive.
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And I wanted
nothing to do with that.
00:09:01.24\00:09:03.17
If that's my
gender, no, thank you.
00:09:03.20\00:09:05.24
I think every
child wants to know
00:09:05.27\00:09:08.14
that they were planned
for that they were wanted.
00:09:08.21\00:09:12.01
My mother was distraught,
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angered,
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full of grief.
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She didn't want to hold me.
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From the time I was molested
or from that day forward,
00:09:23.56\00:09:28.66
my mind was confused,
I had wild imaginations,
00:09:28.70\00:09:33.27
my thoughts were
way out of control,
00:09:33.30\00:09:35.57
and my
imaginations and fantasies
00:09:35.60\00:09:38.84
were towards the
same type of person
00:09:38.87\00:09:42.58
that had molested
me which was a man
00:09:42.61\00:09:46.01
because that was my introduction
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to sexual
behavior, I didn't know any,
00:09:47.75\00:09:49.78
anything else.
00:09:49.82\00:09:51.22
As a small child,
00:09:51.29\00:09:53.82
my parents had been
very good at informing us
00:09:53.86\00:09:57.33
of what was right and wrong.
00:09:57.36\00:09:59.49
And so from a very young age,
my parents had both told me,
00:09:59.53\00:10:03.70
if anybody ever
touches you inappropriately,
00:10:03.73\00:10:06.67
you tell us.
00:10:06.70\00:10:08.10
And when it
started happening at first,
00:10:08.14\00:10:09.97
I was so young that I
didn't really recognize
00:10:10.01\00:10:12.84
what was going on.
00:10:12.87\00:10:14.64
And as I got
older, it was more guilt
00:10:14.68\00:10:18.91
that I hadn't told
them when it first happened.
00:10:18.95\00:10:22.32
It was my fault.
00:10:22.35\00:10:24.15
And so even
after telling somebody,
00:10:24.19\00:10:26.02
there wasn't
really like closure to it.
00:10:26.05\00:10:28.49
There wasn't any
understanding, we're sorry,
00:10:28.52\00:10:31.33
like what can we do to help you.
00:10:31.39\00:10:33.96
It was we failed as parents.
00:10:34.00\00:10:36.63
I did know even as a child
00:10:36.67\00:10:38.27
that this was
wrong when it happened.
00:10:38.30\00:10:41.27
But as a victim, I
did not want to reveal
00:10:41.30\00:10:46.64
what had
happened and I felt dirty,
00:10:46.68\00:10:48.58
I felt, well, I had been,
00:10:48.61\00:10:52.21
I had been tainted
00:10:52.25\00:10:54.15
and I felt very
different from that day forward.
00:10:54.18\00:10:59.05
No one ever molested me.
00:10:59.09\00:11:00.96
I was never, I was
never beaten to a pulp
00:11:00.99\00:11:04.43
or that kind of thing,
00:11:04.49\00:11:06.70
but there were
many areas of neglect.
00:11:06.73\00:11:09.36
I was in seventh
grade, so I was about 13,
00:11:09.40\00:11:11.80
and we were running home,
00:11:11.83\00:11:13.54
and I tripped and
fell, and I broke my arm.
00:11:13.57\00:11:15.37
So when my mom
came home that night,
00:11:15.40\00:11:16.94
I was laying on
the sofa and she said,
00:11:16.97\00:11:19.14
"Oh, you'll be
all right, you know,
00:11:19.17\00:11:20.74
it's probably not broken
and you know, you'll be okay."
00:11:20.81\00:11:23.75
And so my mother went out.
00:11:23.78\00:11:25.11
So this night in
particular, she had a date,
00:11:25.15\00:11:26.75
left me on the sofa
and she came back Sunday.
00:11:26.78\00:11:30.15
And I was still on the sofa.
00:11:30.19\00:11:33.12
I don't blame my mom.
00:11:33.15\00:11:35.26
I really, I'm not
even angry at her anymore,
00:11:35.29\00:11:38.79
but I believe that
because of her brokenness,
00:11:38.83\00:11:40.83
there was a limit
00:11:40.86\00:11:42.16
to what she was able to give me.
00:11:42.20\00:11:45.00
At the age of 13 I
would read my Bible
00:11:45.03\00:11:47.94
and I began to read
texts about homosexuality
00:11:47.97\00:11:50.94
and the
descriptions about men with men
00:11:51.01\00:11:53.61
and by this time,
00:11:53.64\00:11:57.11
well, there was hardly a day
00:11:57.15\00:11:58.85
that I didn't know
same sex attraction,
00:11:58.88\00:12:00.88
but as it related
to the Word of God,
00:12:00.92\00:12:02.68
I found that this certainly
wasn't according to His plan.
00:12:02.72\00:12:06.86
And I thought
"Wow, how can that be.
00:12:06.89\00:12:10.03
I didn't ask to be like this."
00:12:10.06\00:12:12.89
I remember this
roommate, we would,
00:12:12.93\00:12:15.06
we would wrestle and one night,
this wrestling turn sexual,
00:12:15.10\00:12:20.50
I didn't know how it
had happened that way,
00:12:20.54\00:12:22.60
I didn't know how it got
that far or went that far.
00:12:22.64\00:12:26.34
And the moment that it was over,
00:12:26.37\00:12:28.31
like all of this guilt
came in and condemnation
00:12:28.34\00:12:31.78
and this shock that
I now was the reality
00:12:31.81\00:12:37.59
of what all those boys
said for all those years
00:12:37.62\00:12:41.36
that I was a sissy,
a faggot, a homo, gay.
00:12:41.39\00:12:47.23
Growing up with these
attractions towards men
00:12:47.23\00:12:50.93
instead of girls,
00:12:50.97\00:12:54.50
I really didn't know
00:12:54.54\00:12:56.47
how to deal with them.
00:12:56.50\00:12:58.07
I didn't feel like I
could talk to anyone about it.
00:12:58.11\00:13:00.51
I didn't understand myself
and yet I felt ashamed to share
00:13:00.54\00:13:06.48
what I was
feeling with anyone else.
00:13:06.51\00:13:09.75
I thought I was the
only person in the world
00:13:09.78\00:13:11.49
that maybe had these feelings.
00:13:11.52\00:13:13.22
I think a lot of
guys and girls too,
00:13:13.25\00:13:16.16
my age at that particular time
00:13:16.19\00:13:18.93
thought they were the
only ones in the world
00:13:18.96\00:13:20.43
that had these
kinds of things going on
00:13:20.46\00:13:22.00
'cause we didn't
dare talk about them.
00:13:22.03\00:13:24.43
I just grew up with
that emotional confusion
00:13:24.47\00:13:28.67
and it festered just like,
like a splinter in the thumb.
00:13:28.70\00:13:34.04
It'll have to come
out, sooner or later.
00:13:34.08\00:13:36.85
And eventually that's
what is what happened,
00:13:36.88\00:13:39.05
but that was many years later.
00:13:39.08\00:13:42.82
I met a guy who
introduced himself to me,
00:13:42.85\00:13:46.79
and then identified me as
being gay and I said to him,
00:13:46.82\00:13:52.03
"I'm what? What
did you say I was?"
00:13:52.06\00:13:53.93
He said are you a gay?
And I said, what is that?
00:13:53.96\00:13:57.23
It was at the time,
00:13:57.27\00:13:58.60
when the term gay was
actually being developed.
00:13:58.63\00:14:02.37
And he said.
00:14:02.40\00:14:04.91
"You like guys, don't you?"
00:14:04.97\00:14:08.54
"You are gay, I'm gay."
00:14:08.58\00:14:10.71
I go to college with
other guys who are gay,
00:14:10.75\00:14:13.15
and the church has done
a good job of telling us
00:14:13.18\00:14:15.52
that homosexual
behavior is sinful.
00:14:15.55\00:14:17.55
And that's the end
of the conversation.
00:14:20.66\00:14:23.53
They have nothing more to say.
00:14:23.56\00:14:25.99
As I was a very active
member in the church growing up,
00:14:26.03\00:14:29.73
I noticed there was no one
talking about the gay issue.
00:14:29.76\00:14:32.17
And so my first
introduction to the gay issue
00:14:32.20\00:14:36.10
through a
publication happened to come
00:14:36.14\00:14:37.87
through a Time magazine
00:14:37.94\00:14:40.21
when I was sitting
in a college library
00:14:40.24\00:14:43.71
where I was studying theology.
00:14:43.75\00:14:46.05
And when I saw that magazine,
00:14:46.08\00:14:48.25
and I saw that this
was the cover story,
00:14:48.28\00:14:50.95
I was fascinated
by the photograph
00:14:51.02\00:14:53.82
on the cover of that magazine
because up to that point
00:14:53.86\00:14:58.06
I felt totally alone
in my mental struggle,
00:14:58.09\00:15:01.73
and in my confusion.
00:15:01.76\00:15:03.40
I didn't know a
living soul who was gay.
00:15:03.43\00:15:06.37
I can remember my
parents, you know,
00:15:06.40\00:15:08.47
saying something or other people
00:15:08.50\00:15:10.17
would also say
something about, you know,
00:15:10.21\00:15:12.74
well, people like that,
00:15:12.77\00:15:15.01
and they knew they
were talking about someone
00:15:15.04\00:15:16.98
that was dealing
with a homosexual tendency
00:15:17.01\00:15:19.41
or temptation, but
nobody would go further,
00:15:19.45\00:15:21.98
I'd be to all ears but
no one would say anything.
00:15:22.02\00:15:25.55
I thought that I
was just born bisexual
00:15:25.59\00:15:29.12
that I was born gay.
00:15:29.16\00:15:30.69
That, you know, that attraction
had always been there for me,
00:15:30.73\00:15:33.40
so I thought I can't,
00:15:33.43\00:15:36.10
I thought I
couldn't be a Christian.
00:15:36.13\00:15:37.87
And it pushed me away from God.
00:15:37.90\00:15:40.54
If I'm a lesbian,
I'm just, you know,
00:15:40.57\00:15:43.24
that's sin and sin equals death,
00:15:43.27\00:15:45.91
so why would I join a
religion that tells me
00:15:45.94\00:15:48.41
that I'm just going to
die for being who I am.
00:15:48.48\00:15:51.15
I finally came out to my parents
00:15:51.18\00:15:53.18
and they kicked me out
of the house for a week
00:15:53.21\00:15:56.45
and then my
parents called me and said,
00:15:56.48\00:15:58.95
"Where are you?"
00:15:58.99\00:16:01.06
And I said, "Can
I come back home?
00:16:01.12\00:16:03.19
Do I need to find
somewhere else to stay?"
00:16:03.22\00:16:05.63
And they said,
"No, please come home."
00:16:05.66\00:16:08.13
My mom, being very religious,
is like crying, and begging,
00:16:08.20\00:16:12.17
and bringing Bible
verses up, and she's like,
00:16:12.20\00:16:15.24
"This isn't what
Jesus wants for you, like,
00:16:15.27\00:16:17.91
you're not going to be in heaven
00:16:17.94\00:16:19.27
if this is what you do."
00:16:19.31\00:16:21.38
I had to be good,
00:16:21.41\00:16:22.74
that's what I'd
learned all my life
00:16:22.78\00:16:24.11
and so I got a girlfriend.
00:16:24.15\00:16:25.61
I'd be praying,
asking God to make me
00:16:25.65\00:16:28.02
straight to take this
away, I didn't want this.
00:16:28.05\00:16:30.29
I wanted to be married,
and have a family, and a wife.
00:16:30.32\00:16:34.69
Ended up being
drafted into the military,
00:16:34.76\00:16:37.23
and wouldn't you know again
00:16:37.26\00:16:39.79
I was messed with
while I was in the military,
00:16:39.83\00:16:42.90
and I had no idea how
to deal with that as well.
00:16:42.93\00:16:46.77
But still
maintaining my spirituality,
00:16:46.80\00:16:49.74
I was a Christian, I
wanted to be a Christian,
00:16:49.77\00:16:52.07
and I wanted to
be right with God.
00:16:52.11\00:16:54.08
I thought, you know,
00:16:54.11\00:16:55.68
"If I were just married
00:16:55.71\00:16:57.41
it would take care
of the whole thing,"
00:16:57.45\00:16:59.65
and yet, this
thing only got worse.
00:16:59.68\00:17:03.15
Marriage worked for a
while and then I realized
00:17:03.18\00:17:06.86
that I had made
a terrible mistake.
00:17:06.89\00:17:08.46
And this woman who
loved me very much,
00:17:08.49\00:17:12.49
I realized I was going to
be a big disappointment to her.
00:17:12.53\00:17:17.73
So I prayed and I said,
"I don't want to live, Lord.
00:17:17.77\00:17:21.10
If I have to live like
this, I don't want to live."
00:17:21.14\00:17:23.81
And I prayed and I said,
"Lord, if this is the closest
00:17:23.84\00:17:25.74
we're going to be,
"I said, "take me now.
00:17:25.77\00:17:28.28
I just don't want to
go through what's coming,
00:17:28.34\00:17:31.01
"but God didn't take my life.
00:17:31.05\00:17:33.65
And I remember the resentment
that came feeling basically
00:17:33.68\00:17:36.62
that, that God
must be like my dad
00:17:36.65\00:17:39.99
because He calls Himself
Father and I have a Father.
00:17:40.02\00:17:43.12
And so if He doesn't
hear or answer my prayer,
00:17:43.16\00:17:47.56
then basically He
must be like my dad
00:17:47.60\00:17:49.80
in different
judgmental, arbitrary,
00:17:49.83\00:17:53.37
today he cares and
tomorrow he doesn't.
00:17:53.40\00:17:55.90
And so I determined that
00:17:55.94\00:17:58.87
either I wasn't
worthy of his time
00:17:58.91\00:18:02.04
or maybe he just didn't care.
00:18:02.08\00:18:04.45
After I started
getting abused, it turned from,
00:18:04.51\00:18:08.42
being totally
stoked about Jesus to,
00:18:08.48\00:18:10.29
why isn't Jesus here?
00:18:10.32\00:18:11.95
Why isn't He stopping this?
00:18:11.99\00:18:14.62
I'm crying in my bed at night
00:18:14.66\00:18:16.36
because these things
are happening and Jesus,
00:18:16.39\00:18:19.43
I can't hear Him any more.
00:18:19.46\00:18:22.33
Like where did He go?
00:18:22.36\00:18:24.50
And so I thought,
in my little mind,
00:18:24.53\00:18:27.07
that I made Jesus mad.
00:18:27.10\00:18:28.94
Like, is this a different
God than I was acquainted with
00:18:28.97\00:18:34.08
when I was little?
00:18:34.11\00:18:36.41
Like, it's not as
simple as butterflies anymore,
00:18:36.44\00:18:39.61
that's terrible things happen,
00:18:39.65\00:18:41.45
there are terrible
people in the world.
00:18:41.48\00:18:43.12
And it's still a struggle.
00:18:46.12\00:18:47.46
Didn't know why he would
let those things happen to,
00:18:47.49\00:18:50.26
like little seven year old kids.
00:18:50.29\00:18:53.09
I thought that I needed
to be honest with my wife
00:18:53.13\00:18:56.40
and I told her, of
course, she was devastated,
00:18:56.43\00:18:59.10
just broke her heart.
00:18:59.13\00:19:00.90
And we had these two
children, very young children.
00:19:00.94\00:19:05.44
And, but to her
credit, my wife loved me,
00:19:05.47\00:19:09.58
she was a Christian,
00:19:09.61\00:19:11.01
she was willing to forgive,
00:19:11.05\00:19:13.08
she was willing
to work through it,
00:19:13.11\00:19:15.05
and she wanted to stay with me,
00:19:15.08\00:19:17.29
she wanted to go
through counseling
00:19:17.32\00:19:19.75
and see if we
couldn't make this work.
00:19:19.79\00:19:23.16
But when pastors
00:19:23.19\00:19:25.26
and we're talking
about church people,
00:19:25.29\00:19:26.80
Christians would counsel my wife
00:19:26.83\00:19:29.30
to just divorce this man
00:19:29.33\00:19:30.87
and get on with your life
that kind can never change.
00:19:30.90\00:19:35.04
That really hurt
me and it angered me.
00:19:35.07\00:19:37.34
Now, I felt that way myself,
00:19:37.37\00:19:39.44
but to hear it
coming from professionals
00:19:39.47\00:19:41.88
who should have answers,
00:19:41.91\00:19:43.68
it really embittered
me against the church
00:19:43.71\00:19:47.28
and against God Himself.
00:19:47.32\00:19:49.68
In the Bible, we're
talked about homosexuality
00:19:49.72\00:19:51.79
being an
abomination, and I said,
00:19:51.82\00:19:53.52
"How dare you say
that I'm an abomination
00:19:53.56\00:19:56.32
when you made me this way?
00:19:56.36\00:19:57.69
That's not fair, I
didn't choose this thing.
00:19:57.73\00:19:59.56
I didn't want this thing.
00:19:59.59\00:20:00.96
And it's hard as I
fought to not be those things
00:20:01.00\00:20:04.20
and I prayed and I
asked you to change me,
00:20:04.23\00:20:06.03
you never did and
so this is who I am.
00:20:06.07\00:20:08.44
Take it or leave it."
00:20:08.50\00:20:10.04
And eventually, I just gave up.
00:20:10.07\00:20:13.84
I finally stopped
fighting my inclinations.
00:20:13.88\00:20:19.21
I stopped praying about it.
00:20:19.25\00:20:21.08
All those years I prayed
00:20:21.12\00:20:22.45
that Lord would
just take this away.
00:20:22.48\00:20:24.65
He didn't just take it away.
00:20:24.69\00:20:26.59
I thought that
00:20:26.62\00:20:27.96
because I continued
having these strong desires
00:20:28.02\00:20:30.53
and these
uncontrollable thoughts that,
00:20:30.56\00:20:34.20
that's just who I was.
00:20:34.23\00:20:36.06
And I finally
decided to just accept
00:20:36.10\00:20:38.40
who I was and give up,
00:20:38.43\00:20:41.27
and I brought my
marriage to a devastating end.
00:20:41.30\00:20:45.14
I fell headlong
into the gay life,
00:20:45.17\00:20:47.94
and then for me
there was no turning back.
00:20:48.01\00:20:50.61
I did not want to be gay.
00:20:50.65\00:20:53.48
I felt I had no choice.
00:20:53.52\00:20:55.45
I was just accepting who I was.
00:20:55.48\00:20:57.85
And I needed to get over
it and so did everyone else
00:20:57.92\00:21:01.46
because I had no answers.
00:21:01.49\00:21:03.76
What happens to the
things that we don't talk about,
00:21:03.79\00:21:06.63
what about pornography?
00:21:06.66\00:21:07.96
You know, what about overeating?
00:21:08.03\00:21:09.66
You know, what
about a lot of things
00:21:09.70\00:21:11.40
that Satan has
laid out in front of us?
00:21:11.43\00:21:13.94
And the thing is just that,
00:21:13.97\00:21:15.30
he's got something for
every single one of us.
00:21:15.37\00:21:18.34
When you stop
and think about it,
00:21:18.37\00:21:20.58
as long as he's
deceived you with your feelings,
00:21:20.61\00:21:24.11
you're drawn to it and
then you begin to think
00:21:24.15\00:21:26.25
that your feelings equal truth.
00:21:26.28\00:21:29.22
And so I believed, my
friend, I believe that I was gay
00:21:29.25\00:21:33.05
and that it didn't
match up with God's word,
00:21:33.09\00:21:35.49
and I was like, oh, well,
00:21:35.52\00:21:36.86
I don't know what to do
about that and so I was done.
00:21:36.89\00:21:40.10
I was done with Christianity,
I was done with God,
00:21:40.13\00:21:44.77
and I openly
embraced the gay community
00:21:44.80\00:21:48.87
and they openly embraced me.
00:21:48.90\00:21:52.01
One day, my father
sat me down and he said,
00:21:52.04\00:21:55.21
"Danielle, if there are
ways in which you're different
00:21:55.28\00:21:58.65
from most
everyone else, it's okay.
00:21:58.68\00:22:01.58
And if you can, you know, if,
it's okay to be an individual,
00:22:01.62\00:22:07.06
and no matter who you are,
I'm still going to love you."
00:22:07.09\00:22:10.03
And he didn't come out and said,
00:22:10.06\00:22:11.96
"Danielle, it's
okay if you're gay,"
00:22:11.99\00:22:14.10
but we both knew that
that's what he was getting at,
00:22:14.13\00:22:18.27
so I thought, "Wow, okay,
00:22:18.30\00:22:21.77
I'm not going to
hold back any more,
00:22:21.84\00:22:23.94
not just
sexually but expressively,
00:22:23.97\00:22:27.54
in all of my life."
00:22:27.58\00:22:29.88
My sister moved down from
Ohio and she was living with me,
00:22:29.91\00:22:33.01
and I remember telling her
00:22:33.05\00:22:35.02
that I was gay, she had no idea,
00:22:35.05\00:22:37.35
I was mystified that
00:22:37.39\00:22:39.42
that through all the
years of playing with dolls
00:22:39.45\00:22:41.19
and cross-dressing that
it never occurred to her
00:22:41.22\00:22:43.69
that I might be gay,
00:22:43.73\00:22:45.33
and she was profoundly shocked.
00:22:45.36\00:22:48.46
She was so kind.
00:22:48.50\00:22:50.60
As a small child, I was
very close to my mother.
00:22:50.63\00:22:54.27
She was what I thought
every mom needed to be.
00:22:54.30\00:22:58.01
As I started getting older
00:22:58.07\00:23:00.48
and started kind of
closing off to people,
00:23:00.51\00:23:02.71
not being able to trust them,
00:23:02.74\00:23:04.11
I just kind of
pushed everybody aside
00:23:04.15\00:23:06.82
including my mom,
00:23:06.85\00:23:08.32
even though, I
really had no reason to,
00:23:08.35\00:23:11.05
I just felt like,
00:23:11.09\00:23:12.59
nobody else has been
there, why would she?
00:23:12.62\00:23:14.52
I decided to actually
give Christianity a chance.
00:23:23.26\00:23:27.04
I would start reading into it.
00:23:27.07\00:23:28.80
And, you know, reading the Bible
00:23:28.84\00:23:32.21
and actually going to church
00:23:32.27\00:23:33.71
when there was
someone there that I trusted.
00:23:33.74\00:23:36.31
I was trying to
balance, going my own way,
00:23:36.34\00:23:42.08
with also trying to keep
God in the picture somehow.
00:23:42.12\00:23:45.89
But eventually I started saying,
00:23:45.92\00:23:48.96
"I can't do this, I
can't be a Christian.
00:23:49.02\00:23:50.66
This must be
why I'm so depressed
00:23:50.69\00:23:52.13
because the Bible
tells me to be this person
00:23:52.19\00:23:54.56
and live this way but I can't."
00:23:54.60\00:23:56.77
I try and I fail and I can't
and that's why I'm so depressed
00:23:56.80\00:24:00.40
and I wanted to be a good person
00:24:00.44\00:24:02.30
and make good decisions,
00:24:02.34\00:24:03.67
but I always made
the wrong decisions,
00:24:03.71\00:24:05.57
and I wasn't a good
person, I wasn't a good friend
00:24:05.61\00:24:08.54
and so I was entering
into this struggle, "Who am I?
00:24:08.58\00:24:12.41
Who am I supposed to be?
00:24:12.45\00:24:13.78
Who am I inside?"
00:24:13.82\00:24:15.18
So I started really becoming
00:24:15.22\00:24:17.85
more and more
extravagant with my,
00:24:17.89\00:24:20.36
with my dress and my makeup.
00:24:20.39\00:24:22.26
If I would walk down the street
00:24:22.32\00:24:23.86
and a little child would
look at me and look scared,
00:24:23.89\00:24:28.43
I thought I look good today.
00:24:28.46\00:24:30.73
In a way when I
went into the gay life,
00:24:30.77\00:24:33.13
I felt great relief
00:24:33.17\00:24:34.57
because I was no
longer fighting this thing.
00:24:34.60\00:24:39.21
And I knew biblically
that that this life was wrong.
00:24:39.24\00:24:43.28
I was very well aware
of all of the Bible texts,
00:24:43.31\00:24:46.88
I just gave up.
00:24:46.92\00:24:48.45
And so for nearly 40 years,
00:24:48.48\00:24:51.92
I was immersed
in the gay culture.
00:24:51.95\00:24:55.72
I told my parents,
and I told everybody else,
00:24:55.76\00:24:58.69
"I'm gay, there's
nothing you can do about it
00:24:58.76\00:25:00.56
I've come out."
00:25:00.60\00:25:02.90
I ended up in a
very promiscuous life.
00:25:02.93\00:25:05.83
I know that there are many
today out there that don't.
00:25:05.87\00:25:09.00
There are many people
that have maybe fall in love
00:25:09.07\00:25:11.21
with one person and
maybe that's been someone
00:25:11.24\00:25:14.51
that they've been
with for 25 or 30 years.
00:25:14.54\00:25:16.78
From all the
relationships that I know about
00:25:16.81\00:25:19.01
that have been like that.
00:25:19.08\00:25:21.25
They would sometimes claim
to be binogamous but I was,
00:25:21.28\00:25:25.82
I was sleeping
with their boyfriends.
00:25:25.85\00:25:28.49
I would use the gyms as
probably the number one spot
00:25:28.52\00:25:32.83
where I would actually
pick up men in the sauna
00:25:32.86\00:25:35.20
and in the steam room and such,
00:25:35.23\00:25:38.47
where I was actually acting out
00:25:38.50\00:25:40.04
as many as three times in
a day with different people,
00:25:40.07\00:25:42.97
and as many times as
three or four times a week.
00:25:43.00\00:25:47.64
Twenty years of that.
00:25:47.68\00:25:50.15
Well, you know,
this went on for years.
00:25:50.18\00:25:56.08
And all the
sudden coming, you know,
00:25:56.12\00:25:59.35
at full speed
towards me was a killer sex,
00:25:59.39\00:26:03.26
AIDS.
00:26:03.29\00:26:06.23
And suddenly,
00:26:06.26\00:26:08.23
my closest friends
began to start dying.
00:26:08.30\00:26:12.47
And I was only
30-years-old when this began,
00:26:12.50\00:26:15.44
and I remember calling
my parents on the phone
00:26:15.47\00:26:17.57
and saying, "What is going on?
00:26:17.61\00:26:19.11
Why is this happening to me?
00:26:19.14\00:26:20.48
You're in your 50s,
00:26:20.51\00:26:21.91
and you don't have
anybody who's died yet.
00:26:21.98\00:26:23.88
Why is this happening?"
00:26:23.91\00:26:26.11
I watched my
friends drop like flies.
00:26:26.15\00:26:28.42
I had sex with
men, unprotected sex,
00:26:28.45\00:26:31.45
and they would be
dead three months later.
00:26:31.49\00:26:34.16
I knew that I was
tempting fate all the time
00:26:34.19\00:26:37.36
and yet I could not stop.
00:26:37.39\00:26:39.13
My addictive drive
just kept me moving
00:26:39.16\00:26:41.86
more, and more, and more,
00:26:41.90\00:26:43.63
and no matter how awful
I would feel afterwards,
00:26:43.67\00:26:47.20
it wasn't enough to stop me.
00:26:47.24\00:26:49.70
I'm not sharing
this today to say that
00:26:49.74\00:26:52.67
this is what
every gay life is like.
00:26:52.71\00:26:55.44
I mean, there are
so many different ways,
00:26:55.48\00:26:57.18
you know,
heterosexuals are messed up,
00:26:57.21\00:26:58.95
gay people are messed
up, we're all messed up
00:26:59.01\00:27:01.22
if we're not looking to the One
00:27:01.25\00:27:03.99
who can bring about the healing
00:27:04.02\00:27:06.25
that we need no
matter what our mess up is.
00:27:06.29\00:27:09.49
I wanted to be loved,
that's all that mattered.
00:27:09.52\00:27:13.56
I met a great guy.
00:27:13.60\00:27:15.66
Big arms, big blue
eyes, he was a millionaire,
00:27:15.70\00:27:18.57
he drove a convertible Mercedes,
00:27:18.63\00:27:20.44
had a big house with a pool.
00:27:20.47\00:27:22.00
I remember thinking, wow I...
00:27:22.04\00:27:24.71
I hit pay dirt, I've arrived.
00:27:24.74\00:27:26.94
Anything we wanted.
00:27:26.98\00:27:28.34
And I remember
thinking to myself,
00:27:28.38\00:27:30.58
"Is this the best
it's going to be?"
00:27:30.61\00:27:32.65
I remember laying there with
my boyfriend on the weekends
00:27:32.68\00:27:35.08
and having the pool
out in front of us and,
00:27:35.12\00:27:37.95
and thinking to myself.
00:27:37.99\00:27:39.69
"I've got
everything that the world says
00:27:39.72\00:27:41.36
is valuable and yet, that it?"
00:27:41.39\00:27:45.43
I thought that
I was experiencing
00:27:45.49\00:27:49.30
a great level of freedom
in doing what I was doing,
00:27:49.33\00:27:54.14
living the way
that I was living.
00:27:54.17\00:27:55.87
You know, going off
and living on my own,
00:27:55.90\00:27:57.61
making my own choices,
and I always had the strive
00:27:57.64\00:28:00.54
for something more, or
something more extreme,
00:28:00.58\00:28:03.31
something more fulfilling,
and I never really felt like
00:28:03.35\00:28:06.68
I reached that
place of contentment.
00:28:06.72\00:28:09.38
If I'm seeking freedom
from God's law because,
00:28:09.42\00:28:14.92
of course, it's all those
00:28:14.96\00:28:16.29
"Thou shalt not, thou shalt not,
00:28:16.32\00:28:17.89
thou shalt not."
00:28:17.93\00:28:19.66
And by giving up and
just going into the world,
00:28:19.69\00:28:22.56
I was now free from that law.
00:28:22.63\00:28:25.73
And yet the Bible says
00:28:25.80\00:28:27.67
that the "Law of God
is the law of liberty."
00:28:27.70\00:28:30.54
So if I am free from liberty,
what is my real situation?
00:28:30.57\00:28:34.94
I had two sisters
that were praying for me,
00:28:39.78\00:28:42.05
I don't even know how long.
00:28:42.08\00:28:43.75
I had a sister that was
very religious in Colorado,
00:28:43.79\00:28:46.79
and I had
another sister that was,
00:28:46.82\00:28:48.79
it was my
sister there in Florida
00:28:48.82\00:28:50.23
who was working side-by-side
with me in my salon.
00:28:50.26\00:28:53.73
And she would
always invite my lovers
00:28:53.76\00:28:56.43
and me over to holiday meals.
00:28:56.46\00:28:58.87
She never kept me
from holding my nephew,
00:28:58.90\00:29:01.67
when he was a baby,
and I knew without a doubt
00:29:01.70\00:29:04.97
that she loved me.
00:29:05.01\00:29:06.34
No doubt in my mind, but
they were praying for me.
00:29:06.37\00:29:09.21
And I think prayer is a big part
00:29:09.24\00:29:10.61
of the aspect too.
00:29:10.65\00:29:11.98
We need to pray for
people more than just
00:29:12.01\00:29:13.35
shaking our finger at
them or secretly judging them.
00:29:13.38\00:29:16.69
And that's what Christ did.
00:29:16.72\00:29:19.12
He mingled with the people,
He addressed their needs,
00:29:19.15\00:29:23.09
He won their confidence,
and then He bid them follow me.
00:29:23.12\00:29:27.23
And yet Jesus is been
all along trying to say to me
00:29:27.23\00:29:30.47
from day one, is
that Wayne you matter,
00:29:30.50\00:29:33.60
you belong and you're loved,
00:29:33.64\00:29:35.94
but I couldn't see it.
00:29:35.97\00:29:37.54
And I wouldn't believe it.
00:29:37.57\00:29:39.14
I wouldn't stop long
enough to listen to Him,
00:29:39.21\00:29:41.41
I couldn't hear Him
because I was drowning myself
00:29:41.44\00:29:43.75
with my own voice.
00:29:43.78\00:29:45.45
And so He's like, "All
right, Wayne, you know,
00:29:45.48\00:29:48.38
as long as you persist this way,
00:29:48.42\00:29:50.15
you have the right to do that,
but I'm trying to reach you
00:29:50.19\00:29:53.22
and guess what,
there are other people
00:29:53.25\00:29:55.26
who care about you,
00:29:55.29\00:29:56.62
and they're
actually praying for you."
00:29:56.66\00:29:58.66
As I was spending all of
those years in the gay life,
00:29:58.73\00:30:01.96
blaming God for
everything wrong in my life,
00:30:02.00\00:30:04.90
giving Him no
credit for anything good,
00:30:04.93\00:30:08.27
I didn't realize that
my parents, and my family,
00:30:08.30\00:30:12.37
and some of my former
friends were praying for me.
00:30:12.41\00:30:16.38
The way the Lord answers
those prayers, many times,
00:30:16.41\00:30:19.21
is that he will let
a person fall so low,
00:30:19.25\00:30:24.62
and reach bottom to the point
00:30:24.65\00:30:26.72
that the only way
he can look is up.
00:30:26.76\00:30:29.66
It took a long time
after things stopping,
00:30:29.69\00:30:34.40
my cousin abusing me
stopping to come to terms
00:30:34.46\00:30:38.83
that maybe she
was still that mom
00:30:38.90\00:30:42.17
that she was when I was little,
00:30:42.20\00:30:43.54
that maybe
nothing had changed in her
00:30:43.57\00:30:45.14
that just maybe I had changed.
00:30:45.17\00:30:48.14
Finally, one day
I just broke down,
00:30:48.18\00:30:49.81
and I was sobbing in
my room, and she came in,
00:30:49.84\00:30:52.18
and she just
hugged me, and she said,
00:30:52.21\00:30:54.78
"Can I please help you?"
00:30:54.82\00:30:57.69
And I said, "Can
you please pray with me?
00:30:57.72\00:31:00.32
Like I need, I
need you to help."
00:31:00.36\00:31:04.63
And she said, "Yeah",
00:31:04.66\00:31:06.86
and she just
wrapped her arms around me
00:31:06.90\00:31:08.26
and started praying with me.
00:31:08.30\00:31:10.87
And she said, "Jesus,
you know where Anna is
00:31:10.90\00:31:14.74
and I really don't,
00:31:14.77\00:31:17.21
but she needs you to
help her because I can't."
00:31:17.24\00:31:21.61
And she just held
me and I just cried.
00:31:21.64\00:31:25.58
And she cried.
00:31:25.61\00:31:29.08
And I still
didn't trust her fully
00:31:29.15\00:31:33.15
but I knew if I
needed somebody to pray,
00:31:33.19\00:31:37.03
she still had my back.
00:31:37.06\00:31:39.93
I started to desire, to
learn who and what God is,
00:31:39.96\00:31:44.23
and what was really
going on behind the scenes,
00:31:44.27\00:31:47.70
behind the clouds,
kind of a thing, you know,
00:31:47.74\00:31:50.01
what the meaning
of life really was.
00:31:50.04\00:31:51.81
And so I started
looking into different religions
00:31:51.84\00:31:54.54
of the world, and reading
into especially into wiccanism.
00:31:54.58\00:31:58.95
Because for me,
00:31:58.98\00:32:00.38
I could relate to women better
00:32:00.42\00:32:02.62
so I, so I kind of pictured
God as a woman more easily.
00:32:02.68\00:32:06.55
As I was learning these things
and entering into this journey
00:32:06.59\00:32:11.76
toward spiritual
things, my sister could see
00:32:11.79\00:32:14.20
that something was changing.
00:32:14.23\00:32:15.73
You know, I started
finding common ground with her
00:32:15.80\00:32:18.23
where I could
actually relate to her
00:32:18.27\00:32:20.77
because I had
this newfound interest
00:32:20.80\00:32:22.54
in reconnecting to my family,
00:32:22.57\00:32:25.41
whenever I had
chosen to reject God
00:32:25.44\00:32:29.84
in a way also chose to
reject my family in a large way
00:32:29.88\00:32:32.78
because my sister and my mother
00:32:32.85\00:32:34.18
had become Christians.
00:32:34.22\00:32:35.62
Here I am this
hot shot hairdresser,
00:32:35.65\00:32:37.99
and my sister comes up to
me and the Lord had told her
00:32:38.02\00:32:41.49
that there was this
evangelistic series going on
00:32:41.52\00:32:43.79
and the Lord said,
"Invite your brother"
00:32:43.83\00:32:45.96
and she goes, "He'll never go,
00:32:46.03\00:32:47.50
but I'll invite him."
00:32:47.56\00:32:49.00
And so my sister came
up to me and she said,
00:32:49.06\00:32:50.47
"Hey, there's this
evangelistic series going on,
00:32:50.50\00:32:52.83
dirt floor,
folding chairs in a tent,
00:32:52.87\00:32:54.94
do you want to go?"
00:32:54.97\00:32:56.30
And I looked at
her and, of course,
00:32:56.34\00:32:57.67
I didn't want to go, but
I looked at her and I said,
00:32:57.71\00:32:59.61
"All right, I'll go."
00:32:59.64\00:33:01.48
There was one person
especially in particular
00:33:01.51\00:33:04.25
that I really saw the
characteristics of Christ.
00:33:04.28\00:33:08.65
And we would cross
paths, and we'd exchanged words,
00:33:08.72\00:33:11.52
and then we'd go
our separate ways,
00:33:11.55\00:33:12.92
and I would just
think every time.
00:33:12.99\00:33:15.66
I don't know what that
man has, but I want it to.
00:33:15.69\00:33:18.49
And eventually, I decided
that I was gonna go to church
00:33:18.53\00:33:21.70
one weekend 'cause I
knew he was speaking,
00:33:21.73\00:33:24.40
and I wanted to just
hear what was working for him.
00:33:24.43\00:33:28.30
So as he started
in on that message,
00:33:28.34\00:33:30.14
the first thing
that he said was,
00:33:30.17\00:33:32.07
"Today we're gonna
talk about the crucifixion,
00:33:32.11\00:33:34.88
" and I thought,
"Oh, the crucifixion,
00:33:34.91\00:33:36.41
why that anything but that."
00:33:36.44\00:33:38.18
The preacher was
making a call, an altar call,
00:33:38.21\00:33:41.08
and I was receding in my chair,
00:33:41.12\00:33:43.85
I knew that I
wanted to accept Jesus
00:33:43.89\00:33:47.09
into my heart that night.
00:33:47.12\00:33:49.06
But when I was
thinking about my boyfriend,
00:33:49.12\00:33:50.99
and how my life was,
00:33:51.03\00:33:52.39
and how I was out of control
with the sexual addiction,
00:33:52.43\00:33:54.46
I feel... there's no
way I could go up there.
00:33:54.46\00:33:57.27
There was no way I
could change my life.
00:33:57.30\00:34:00.14
And so just then, as I
was sitting in that chair,
00:34:00.17\00:34:02.74
the preacher said,
"For some of you tonight,"
00:34:02.77\00:34:06.37
he said, "you'll never
have another opportunity
00:34:06.41\00:34:08.18
to accept the Holy
Spirit into your life."
00:34:08.21\00:34:10.35
And as I sat on
that chair, I said,
00:34:10.38\00:34:12.01
"Lord, I can't go up
there, but I give you my heart."
00:34:12.05\00:34:15.68
You see, whenever
I thought about God,
00:34:15.72\00:34:17.95
I thought about light,
and love, and joy, and peace,
00:34:17.99\00:34:21.26
and goodness, and all
of these happy things,
00:34:21.29\00:34:24.99
and that was God to me.
00:34:25.03\00:34:27.86
But when I picked up the Bible
and I read the Bible, you know,
00:34:27.86\00:34:30.37
I would read about tribulation,
and struggle, and sin, and war,
00:34:30.40\00:34:35.04
and death, and the crucifixion,
and there was no way in my mind
00:34:35.07\00:34:38.94
that those kind of
stories could resonate with God.
00:34:38.97\00:34:42.34
So when he said that I thought,
00:34:42.41\00:34:43.75
"Oh, anything
but the crucifixion."
00:34:43.78\00:34:45.68
And the next thing he said was,
"And you're probably thinking,
00:34:45.71\00:34:49.48
oh, the crucifixion,
why that anything, but that,
00:34:49.55\00:34:51.89
" he said exactly
what I had just thought.
00:34:51.92\00:34:55.02
So that got my attention.
00:34:55.06\00:34:56.73
I sat up a little bit straighter
00:34:56.76\00:34:58.09
and I said, "Okay, God,
00:34:58.13\00:34:59.46
you have
something for me here today
00:34:59.49\00:35:00.96
and I'm gonna listen."
00:35:01.00\00:35:02.63
But one day,
00:35:02.66\00:35:05.70
I sat down in my bedroom
00:35:05.73\00:35:09.77
and I don't know, I was just,
00:35:09.80\00:35:15.21
I don't know.
00:35:15.24\00:35:16.58
The Holy Spirit was there.
00:35:19.91\00:35:23.39
And I was so
inspired, and troubled,
00:35:23.42\00:35:29.49
and moved by that message,
00:35:29.52\00:35:31.56
I just spent the whole rest
of the day wrestling with God.
00:35:31.59\00:35:34.83
I was saying, you
know, I was just praying,
00:35:34.86\00:35:37.60
I was saying, "This
makes so much sense."
00:35:37.63\00:35:39.87
I've seen in my life
that there are decisions
00:35:39.90\00:35:42.34
that separated me from the light
00:35:42.37\00:35:44.84
and forced me into the darkness.
00:35:44.87\00:35:46.54
That was one of the
biggest object lessons in nature
00:35:46.57\00:35:49.31
that I really
resonated with at that time
00:35:49.38\00:35:51.28
was light and darkness.
00:35:51.31\00:35:54.08
Well, I had the
Christian upbringing,
00:35:54.12\00:35:56.65
and I knew from the Word of
God that I wasn't pleasing God.
00:35:56.69\00:36:01.16
And I knew that
there had to be a solution
00:36:01.19\00:36:03.26
because God
didn't create this world,
00:36:03.29\00:36:05.49
and leave me with no answers.
00:36:05.53\00:36:09.33
And so now He had
a captive audience.
00:36:09.40\00:36:13.34
And I began to
contemplate the fact
00:36:13.37\00:36:16.47
that every single one
of my friends were dead,
00:36:16.50\00:36:22.14
all of my gay friends.
00:36:22.18\00:36:23.61
And I began to think
about my destiny, like,
00:36:26.61\00:36:29.98
"Okay, Wayne, what's
going to happen to you,
00:36:30.02\00:36:31.85
how does life,
how does it turn out?
00:36:31.89\00:36:33.59
How does this all end?"
00:36:33.62\00:36:35.76
And when I stopped blaming
00:36:35.79\00:36:37.13
and I started
just using some logic,
00:36:37.16\00:36:39.26
I just started
thinking logically.
00:36:39.33\00:36:42.16
How can I be born gay?
00:36:42.20\00:36:44.27
And I started
reviewing my life to see
00:36:44.30\00:36:46.37
if I could connect the dots
and figure out what happened.
00:36:46.43\00:36:49.30
And that's when I
reviewed my sexual molestation,
00:36:49.34\00:36:52.87
and repeated victimization.
00:36:52.91\00:36:55.31
And I came to the
realization, you know,
00:36:55.34\00:36:57.11
I was derailed in my
childhood, by the molestation,
00:36:57.15\00:37:02.65
by many circumstances.
00:37:02.68\00:37:05.09
And if I could be derailed,
why couldn't I be re-railed?
00:37:05.12\00:37:10.83
Here I was, all by
myself, sitting in front of God
00:37:10.86\00:37:15.10
and I simply heard Him
say, "Can you hear Me now?
00:37:15.13\00:37:21.64
You have been
blaming Me your whole life
00:37:21.67\00:37:26.64
for having caused this,
and, you know what, Wayne,
00:37:26.68\00:37:29.18
sin cost this, the enemy."
00:37:29.24\00:37:33.58
I was involved in a
committed relationship
00:37:33.62\00:37:36.52
that was for life.
00:37:36.58\00:37:37.99
And we loved
each other very much,
00:37:38.02\00:37:41.46
but as I studied I
begin to love Jesus more.
00:37:41.49\00:37:44.29
And I realize I
have to make a choice
00:37:44.33\00:37:45.83
between these two men,
this man that I'm involved with
00:37:45.89\00:37:49.43
and then a relationship of
which God does not approve,
00:37:49.46\00:37:55.14
and a man, Jesus,
who gave His life for me.
00:37:55.17\00:37:58.47
That night in a
parking lot, my sister says,
00:37:58.51\00:38:00.21
"So what are you going
to do about your boyfriend?"
00:38:00.24\00:38:02.68
And I said, "Nothing,
I'm gay, this is who I am."
00:38:02.71\00:38:06.55
And I said, "I prayed
that God would change me,
00:38:06.61\00:38:08.48
I prayed that the
Lord would take this away,
00:38:08.52\00:38:10.15
I prayed that He would
heal me, and He never did."
00:38:10.19\00:38:14.69
I said, "All I know is that
I'm gay, I was born this way,
00:38:14.72\00:38:18.46
" And I said, "And I
know that Jesus loves me
00:38:18.49\00:38:20.03
for who I am."
00:38:20.06\00:38:21.46
And the next
morning I was baptized.
00:38:21.50\00:38:24.03
God was beginning
a journey with me.
00:38:24.07\00:38:26.77
I believe that He
knew that He had to get me
00:38:26.80\00:38:30.97
into that baptismal
pool to make this commitment
00:38:31.01\00:38:34.64
to follow Him,
and to walk with Him,
00:38:34.68\00:38:37.25
and that He was going to be
with me in all the confusion,
00:38:37.28\00:38:39.91
and then He was
going to walk with me.
00:38:39.98\00:38:42.58
It's as though the devil
was not going to let me go.
00:38:42.65\00:38:47.92
And if he could not entice
me, and lure me, and deceive me,
00:38:47.96\00:38:52.39
he would turn to violence.
00:38:52.46\00:38:54.36
And that man, that I was deeply
in love with, has turned on me.
00:38:54.36\00:39:00.24
And by the time we
got through that episode,
00:39:00.27\00:39:06.14
I look like I'd been
in a car wreck, I was,
00:39:06.17\00:39:08.34
I was almost
killed in that process.
00:39:08.38\00:39:11.28
The Lord spared my life,
00:39:11.31\00:39:13.18
but He let me go
through that trauma.
00:39:13.21\00:39:15.58
And I think He allowed
me to go through that trauma
00:39:15.62\00:39:17.75
to wake me up,
00:39:17.79\00:39:19.52
to see who I was
really dealing with,
00:39:19.55\00:39:22.89
and that I
really was in bondage,
00:39:22.92\00:39:25.16
and that I did need
miraculous deliverance.
00:39:25.19\00:39:28.53
And when I walked
away from that relationship
00:39:28.56\00:39:30.83
to accept Jesus Christ,
00:39:30.87\00:39:32.30
I turned away
and never went back.
00:39:35.47\00:39:38.07
I went home and
all of the sudden
00:39:38.11\00:39:40.01
the reality hit me that,
00:39:40.04\00:39:41.38
"Wait a minute,
am I never gonna know
00:39:41.41\00:39:43.91
what it's like to love again?
00:39:43.95\00:39:46.18
Am I never gonna have
somebody hold me in their arms
00:39:46.25\00:39:48.35
and tell me that they love me?
00:39:48.38\00:39:50.42
Am I never gonna know
what it's like to hold somebody
00:39:50.45\00:39:53.19
and to lavish
them with love too?"
00:39:53.22\00:39:56.59
I love Jesus
00:39:56.66\00:39:57.99
and I wanted to serve
Him with my whole heart.
00:39:58.03\00:40:00.66
It's like, "How could you ask me
00:40:00.70\00:40:02.36
to do such a thing?
00:40:02.40\00:40:03.73
How could you ask me to give
up something that was so good?"
00:40:03.77\00:40:07.70
Until one of my friends told me,
00:40:07.74\00:40:09.70
I said, "How could God,
00:40:09.74\00:40:12.37
if He really
wants me to give up,
00:40:12.41\00:40:15.14
being homosexual,
00:40:15.18\00:40:17.75
how could He ask me
to just give that up?
00:40:17.78\00:40:20.62
Like what?
00:40:20.65\00:40:21.98
That's like, who I am, how
could He asked that of me?"
00:40:22.02\00:40:25.69
And she said, "How
could you give up anything
00:40:25.75\00:40:30.43
for someone you don't know?"
00:40:30.46\00:40:31.79
And I said, "I know who God is,"
00:40:34.73\00:40:36.03
and she said, "No,
you know about God."
00:40:36.06\00:40:40.67
She said, "You
have no idea who He is,
00:40:40.70\00:40:42.47
you have no idea what
the character of God is,
00:40:42.50\00:40:44.74
you don't know
anything about Him."
00:40:44.77\00:40:47.54
You know that He created
the world which you believe.
00:40:47.58\00:40:50.65
And you're coming
to terms with the fact
00:40:50.68\00:40:54.22
that He's not gonna
force you to do anything
00:40:54.25\00:40:56.28
you don't want to do.
00:40:56.35\00:40:57.69
And she said, "That's
really all you know about Him."
00:40:57.72\00:41:01.09
And that just blew my mind.
00:41:01.12\00:41:05.29
Like that there was more
to God than I'd ever realized,
00:41:05.33\00:41:07.76
that He may possibly have
like a whole persona about Him
00:41:07.83\00:41:12.70
that I was just
completely unaware.
00:41:12.73\00:41:15.04
And it totally made sense,
like I would never give up
00:41:15.07\00:41:17.24
who I am for
someone I don't know.
00:41:17.27\00:41:20.04
See, I thought all along
00:41:20.08\00:41:21.41
that God wanted
me to be straight
00:41:21.44\00:41:23.41
and like many, a gay person,
I was praying that prayer.
00:41:23.45\00:41:27.42
God, please make me straight
and I know so many out there
00:41:27.45\00:41:31.05
that have prayed this like.
00:41:31.09\00:41:32.42
Well, God didn't
make me straight,
00:41:32.45\00:41:33.82
so, you know, it's
His fault not mine.
00:41:33.86\00:41:37.63
And, you know,
00:41:37.66\00:41:39.16
it was like a
lightning bolt experience to me.
00:41:39.19\00:41:42.60
God is not all
about your sexuality.
00:41:42.63\00:41:48.10
The enemy has
convinced you, had convinced me
00:41:48.14\00:41:52.04
that my identity was
in sex, in my persuasions,
00:41:52.07\00:41:55.98
in my quest for
where I matched up sexually
00:41:56.01\00:42:00.45
rather than in my
identity in Jesus Christ.
00:42:00.48\00:42:06.35
This is not about
sexual persuasion,
00:42:06.42\00:42:08.42
but this is about
finding out who I am
00:42:08.46\00:42:12.43
in accordance with God's plan.
00:42:12.46\00:42:15.43
And I remember
going into my kitchen
00:42:15.46\00:42:17.87
and mixing myself a
double Midori Margareta,
00:42:17.90\00:42:21.34
and I went back
to the living room
00:42:21.37\00:42:22.77
and sat down with my margarita,
and I lit up a cigarette,
00:42:22.84\00:42:26.71
then I opened the Word of
God and I started reading.
00:42:26.74\00:42:30.21
I think the Lord
just met me where I was.
00:42:30.25\00:42:33.28
And it's difficult as it was
and I went into this trembling
00:42:33.35\00:42:36.42
and certainly not
faithful and perfect,
00:42:36.45\00:42:39.39
but I began this commitment
with Jesus and it was messy,
00:42:39.42\00:42:42.89
it was pretty messy.
00:42:42.96\00:42:44.99
I would go to church
and feel just too holy,
00:42:45.03\00:42:47.40
and I would get out of church,
and even before I go home,
00:42:47.40\00:42:50.10
I would go to the gym
and act out in the sauna,
00:42:50.13\00:42:53.57
or the steam room,
and I would go home,
00:42:53.60\00:42:55.57
and I would just
say, "Are you happy, God?
00:42:55.60\00:42:57.21
This is who I am.
00:42:57.24\00:42:58.57
This is your little,
00:42:58.61\00:43:00.04
your new little
lamb for your flock",
00:43:00.08\00:43:02.21
and I would, you know,
just say, "You still want me?
00:43:02.24\00:43:06.65
'Cause everybody
else rejected me,
00:43:06.68\00:43:08.18
everybody else
turned their back on me,
00:43:08.22\00:43:10.05
you want to go too now?"
00:43:10.12\00:43:12.35
And each and every time
His answer was always the same.
00:43:12.39\00:43:18.39
I still if you,
Mike, get back up.
00:43:18.43\00:43:21.53
Walk with me.
00:43:21.56\00:43:24.00
Let's go through this together.
00:43:24.03\00:43:25.37
It wasn't until
I found the answer
00:43:28.34\00:43:32.44
that I was looking for
in the face of Jesus Christ
00:43:32.47\00:43:35.24
that I really started
experiencing contentment,
00:43:35.28\00:43:39.08
that life with Christ
00:43:39.11\00:43:41.85
and being close
to God was enough.
00:43:41.88\00:43:44.92
I found myself on my
knees at the end of my bed
00:43:52.23\00:43:56.97
and I said, "God, I don't
know how you could forgive me
00:43:57.00\00:44:01.00
for doing so many things
that brought shame to You,
00:44:01.04\00:44:05.27
that hurt You
00:44:05.31\00:44:07.41
because this isn't
what You wanted for me.
00:44:07.44\00:44:09.44
I've wasted all
these years in my life.
00:44:09.48\00:44:12.45
I've dedicated my
life to self pleasure
00:44:12.48\00:44:15.85
whether it was through
drugs, or alcohol, or sex,
00:44:15.88\00:44:18.92
or doing all kinds
of things to gratify me,
00:44:18.95\00:44:22.82
certainly not to please God."
00:44:22.86\00:44:24.33
And I had read
enough at that point
00:44:27.56\00:44:29.10
where I knew that Jesus'
00:44:29.13\00:44:31.77
whole purpose of
going to the cross
00:44:31.80\00:44:35.87
was to pay for
what I had done to Him.
00:44:35.90\00:44:38.31
He said, "You're My son,
00:44:59.76\00:45:04.57
and I don't
condemn you as a sinner.
00:45:04.60\00:45:07.70
I died for your sins,
00:45:07.74\00:45:09.57
but I ask for you to
give yourself over to Me
00:45:09.60\00:45:12.84
because there's a better way
00:45:12.87\00:45:15.14
than the way that
you've experienced.
00:45:15.18\00:45:17.91
I shed My blood for you
00:45:17.95\00:45:21.18
so that you can
claim this victory.
00:45:21.22\00:45:24.32
It's freely yours.
00:45:24.35\00:45:25.82
All you have to do is
give your heart to Me."
00:45:25.85\00:45:29.26
I'd like to say
that I got baptized
00:45:35.53\00:45:37.73
and I came up out of that water
ready to date and marry woman,
00:45:37.77\00:45:42.60
but that would just was not my,
00:45:42.64\00:45:45.71
my reaction and I
think anyone realizes that
00:45:45.74\00:45:48.48
that when they get
baptized about 15 minutes later
00:45:48.51\00:45:50.81
you realize that
God doesn't take away
00:45:50.85\00:45:52.95
your history or your memory.
00:45:52.98\00:45:54.75
The question
comes to mind, you know,
00:45:54.78\00:45:57.02
do you go under the water gay
and come up straight, you know,
00:45:57.05\00:46:00.72
that
disappointed a lot of people.
00:46:00.76\00:46:04.19
Thankfully, I think God
had prepped me for that.
00:46:04.23\00:46:06.90
He wanted me to give
the sex over to Him, but He,
00:46:06.96\00:46:08.83
but that wasn't
what gonna be the issue
00:46:08.86\00:46:10.60
that we were
gonna be working with,
00:46:10.63\00:46:12.20
we're gonna be
dealing with developing
00:46:12.23\00:46:14.87
the intimacy with Him,
00:46:14.90\00:46:16.27
and Him being in charge
of all aspects of my life.
00:46:16.34\00:46:19.94
So I mean I
certainly wasn't tempted
00:46:20.01\00:46:21.91
just by sexual issues.
00:46:21.94\00:46:24.25
And by attaining a
girlfriend or a wife
00:46:24.28\00:46:28.72
was certainly not gonna
put like an affirmation that,
00:46:28.75\00:46:33.49
"Oh, now I'm
redeemed", you know,
00:46:33.52\00:46:35.36
because there's
certainly a lot of people,
00:46:35.39\00:46:37.23
probably even viewing
this today, that are saying
00:46:37.26\00:46:40.56
"Marriage isn't
the antidote for sin."
00:46:40.60\00:46:44.30
You know, as I tell
this part of my story,
00:46:44.33\00:46:47.40
I've been asked many times,
00:46:47.44\00:46:49.17
"Did the Lord just take
homosexuality away from you?"
00:46:49.20\00:46:53.27
And I say,
"Well, no, He didn't."
00:46:53.31\00:46:57.88
And I've talked to many
friends and people that say,
00:46:57.91\00:47:01.22
"Well, you know
I prayed for years
00:47:01.25\00:47:02.85
that the Lord would
just take this away."
00:47:02.88\00:47:05.02
And He doesn't
00:47:05.05\00:47:06.39
so He must just
want me to be this way.
00:47:06.42\00:47:08.39
He must have made me this way.
00:47:08.42\00:47:11.36
Am I still tempted?
00:47:11.39\00:47:13.93
Are you kidding me?
00:47:13.96\00:47:15.50
My response to people
today that think I shouldn't be
00:47:15.53\00:47:18.43
because I gave my life to
Christ just, well, are you?
00:47:18.47\00:47:23.34
You see, why would
it be fair for Jesus
00:47:23.41\00:47:25.57
to take my temptations
away and not take yours away?
00:47:25.61\00:47:29.58
I gave up on God
00:47:29.64\00:47:31.08
because he did not
remove my tendencies,
00:47:31.11\00:47:34.45
my inclinations,
and my temptations.
00:47:34.48\00:47:37.45
But as I studied His Word, I
never could find any promises
00:47:37.49\00:47:42.12
that he does remove temptation.
00:47:42.16\00:47:46.23
That's not His role.
00:47:46.29\00:47:48.13
Jesus came to save His
people from their sins.
00:47:48.16\00:47:52.93
And He promises that
His grace is sufficient.
00:47:53.00\00:47:56.47
I want anyone to know
00:47:56.50\00:47:59.01
that has lived
in the gay culture
00:47:59.04\00:48:01.88
for a very long time
00:48:01.91\00:48:03.28
that if you're
looking to go back to Christ
00:48:03.31\00:48:06.92
and seek His will instead
of what comes naturally to you,
00:48:06.95\00:48:10.29
I'll tell you who is
gonna try to get in the way.
00:48:10.32\00:48:13.25
And that's the devil.
00:48:13.29\00:48:15.92
He doesn't give up easily.
00:48:15.96\00:48:17.79
I was desperate to
be secure in my sin.
00:48:17.83\00:48:20.23
I did whatever I
could. I was, I was...
00:48:20.30\00:48:22.93
tell me lies, tell
me lies, lie to me.
00:48:22.96\00:48:26.23
Tell me that I can
still keep my boyfriend and,
00:48:26.30\00:48:28.47
and keep my Savior.
00:48:28.50\00:48:30.51
And you know something?
00:48:30.57\00:48:31.91
I was sincerely seeking Jesus
because I was experiencing Him.
00:48:31.94\00:48:37.21
And if I chose to
keep my identity, I could,
00:48:37.25\00:48:40.48
but I could not deny
the fact that His Word says
00:48:40.52\00:48:43.99
that it's a sin.
00:48:44.02\00:48:45.69
That it separates
me, that it's damaging,
00:48:45.72\00:48:48.36
that it doesn't give
me ultimate fulfillment.
00:48:48.39\00:48:51.73
When we go back
to the Word of God,
00:48:51.76\00:48:53.19
the question that
needs to be asked is this.
00:48:53.26\00:48:55.30
Is this a
relationship that pleases God?
00:48:55.33\00:48:58.00
Because if it's only one person
00:48:58.03\00:48:59.87
that's needed to
lay the deception
00:48:59.90\00:49:03.67
and you believe it,
00:49:03.71\00:49:06.07
he's got you.
00:49:06.11\00:49:08.01
You know, God gave us the Bible
00:49:08.04\00:49:10.88
to show us
where the safety lies.
00:49:10.91\00:49:13.28
He gave us His
commandments as instruction
00:49:13.31\00:49:16.45
for us to be safe.
00:49:16.48\00:49:19.12
To stay away from the
things that will only wound us
00:49:19.15\00:49:22.46
and that will bring
death into our life.
00:49:22.49\00:49:25.73
There are
consequences for choices
00:49:25.76\00:49:27.96
that I've made in my life.
00:49:28.00\00:49:29.33
Jesus said, "Yes you're
gonna have temptations in life,
00:49:29.36\00:49:32.13
but I don't force you to
act on these temptations.
00:49:32.17\00:49:35.20
And when you acted on them
for many years of your life,
00:49:35.24\00:49:38.34
so I have the stain of sin
on me, I have scars on me."
00:49:38.37\00:49:42.94
Sin is bondage, so anything
00:49:42.98\00:49:45.21
that God describes
in his word as bondage,
00:49:45.25\00:49:48.65
He doesn't want
me to partake in it
00:49:48.68\00:49:50.22
so that I can
really have freedom,
00:49:50.25\00:49:51.95
true freedom and liberty.
00:49:51.99\00:49:53.39
Christ came to
bridge that gap for us,
00:49:53.42\00:49:56.49
to cover that cast
and that's been opened up
00:49:56.56\00:49:58.59
as a result of sin.
00:49:58.63\00:49:59.96
Christ bridges that gap
00:50:00.03\00:50:01.33
and allows us to
come back to God.
00:50:01.36\00:50:03.37
And experience eternal
life through him with God.
00:50:03.40\00:50:07.67
If a visitor
comes to our church,
00:50:07.70\00:50:09.37
I want him to find
it a safe place to hear
00:50:09.40\00:50:14.54
the words of
Jesus in their purity.
00:50:14.58\00:50:18.08
We never know when someone
might come into our church
00:50:18.11\00:50:21.15
that really, desperately
needs help spiritually.
00:50:21.18\00:50:27.36
And our churches need
to be safe places for them,
00:50:27.39\00:50:31.16
to find healing for their soul,
00:50:31.19\00:50:33.40
to find victory in Jesus Christ.
00:50:33.43\00:50:36.87
Because it's time for
us to talk about this,
00:50:36.93\00:50:39.17
it's time for us to offer
help to the church members
00:50:39.20\00:50:42.47
to be able to relate,
00:50:42.50\00:50:43.87
and it's time to offer
help to the people who feel
00:50:43.91\00:50:46.34
that they need
change in their life
00:50:46.37\00:50:47.78
and that they
want to overcome this.
00:50:47.81\00:50:50.61
And that's why I
think it's important for me
00:50:50.65\00:50:52.55
to share this kind of ministry.
00:50:52.58\00:50:55.62
It was amazing to me.
00:50:55.65\00:50:57.25
I still marvel at how
the Lord worked in my life.
00:50:57.29\00:51:02.09
Within one year after
my leaving the gay life,
00:51:02.12\00:51:06.90
I was surprised at
how the Lord led me
00:51:06.93\00:51:10.23
into meeting a lady
00:51:10.27\00:51:13.90
that I had
known since childhood,
00:51:13.94\00:51:16.27
and the Lord
brought us together.
00:51:16.30\00:51:19.11
We dated, we became
engaged. We married.
00:51:19.14\00:51:23.51
I prayed earnestly
00:51:23.55\00:51:25.18
that the Lord would give
me a second chance with family
00:51:25.21\00:51:31.59
because I had squandered
the beautiful gift of family
00:51:31.62\00:51:33.86
that he had
given me in my youth.
00:51:33.92\00:51:36.49
And the Lord has since blessed
us with two beautiful children.
00:51:36.52\00:51:40.60
Even though I've also
had attractions to men,
00:51:40.66\00:51:44.50
that doesn't mean
00:51:44.53\00:51:45.87
that it's just
immediately easy for me,
00:51:45.90\00:51:48.14
and I can just go
and find a husband,
00:51:48.17\00:51:51.21
and move forward in life.
00:51:51.24\00:51:52.57
I've chosen to not allow myself
00:51:52.61\00:51:55.51
to be focused on
sexuality anymore.
00:51:55.54\00:51:57.61
Not allow myself to be
focused on marriage anymore,
00:51:57.65\00:52:01.12
but to just place my life
completely in the hands of God,
00:52:01.15\00:52:05.25
I have purposed in my heart
that sexuality and marriage
00:52:05.29\00:52:08.12
will not be a
focus in my life anymore.
00:52:08.16\00:52:11.16
I'm still very convinced
that the Bible is true.
00:52:11.19\00:52:14.56
And if I were to go
back fully to religion,
00:52:14.60\00:52:17.90
it would only be to
what the Bible said,
00:52:17.93\00:52:19.77
like I'm not interested
in open interpretation here.
00:52:19.80\00:52:23.74
Like if it says it and
I'm gonna be religious,
00:52:23.77\00:52:25.87
I'm gonna do it.
00:52:25.91\00:52:28.01
It's just coming to a
point where I'm ready to say,
00:52:28.04\00:52:33.15
"I want my life to
line up with the Bible."
00:52:33.18\00:52:35.22
It is not lining up,
00:52:35.25\00:52:36.62
so I'm gonna
give these things up,
00:52:36.65\00:52:38.09
like I'm just not there yet.
00:52:38.12\00:52:41.02
What, as a gay person
does it mean to come back
00:52:41.06\00:52:43.96
and give your life to Jesus?
00:52:43.99\00:52:46.83
If that means being lonely
for the rest of your life.
00:52:46.86\00:52:50.67
I know this is
what a lot of gay people
00:52:50.70\00:52:52.63
have contemplated,
00:52:52.67\00:52:54.04
and what a lot of
heterosexual people
00:52:54.07\00:52:56.94
have even gone as far to say,
00:52:57.01\00:52:58.51
you know, that's just not fair.
00:52:58.54\00:53:01.98
It's been something
that I have grappled with
00:53:02.01\00:53:04.51
in my experience of walking back
00:53:04.55\00:53:07.15
with Jesus Christ today.
00:53:07.18\00:53:10.45
But the promise from Jesus
is that He will never leave us
00:53:10.52\00:53:13.99
or never forsake us.
00:53:14.02\00:53:16.32
And that even in
our darkest hours,
00:53:16.36\00:53:18.23
when our feelings
tell us that we're alone,
00:53:18.26\00:53:21.33
it's still a lie from
the enemy because the truth
00:53:21.36\00:53:23.97
is that Jesus does
say that He's still there.
00:53:24.00\00:53:27.47
My sexual preference
was only always same sex.
00:53:27.50\00:53:31.41
I never
experienced anything else
00:53:31.44\00:53:33.51
and my orientation now
is not in my sexual desires
00:53:33.58\00:53:38.38
and I may
struggle with attractions
00:53:38.41\00:53:40.98
to the same sex for
the rest of my life.
00:53:41.02\00:53:43.69
One of the things that I know
00:53:43.72\00:53:45.85
is that whenever
I feel emasculated,
00:53:45.89\00:53:47.99
whenever I feel like I
don't measure up as a man,
00:53:48.02\00:53:51.73
then what happens is
00:53:51.76\00:53:53.29
same sex attraction
starts to come back.
00:53:53.33\00:53:56.56
And so what I do is,
I can go to my Father,
00:53:56.63\00:53:59.83
and I can get down
on my knees and I say,
00:53:59.90\00:54:01.60
"Lord, will you remind
me again that I'm your man?
00:54:01.64\00:54:05.51
Will you remind me again
00:54:05.54\00:54:06.88
that you made me
male for a reason?"
00:54:06.91\00:54:10.08
And He's quick to respond,
00:54:10.15\00:54:11.78
and, "Yes, Mike, you're my man."
00:54:11.81\00:54:14.15
I share my testimony
today, there's many people
00:54:17.29\00:54:19.75
that come and
identify with the fact that,
00:54:19.79\00:54:21.99
"Hey, I'm not gay,
00:54:22.02\00:54:23.83
"but you were
certainly talking to me
00:54:23.86\00:54:25.83
because you were
talking about surrender
00:54:25.86\00:54:28.86
about abiding in Jesus Christ
00:54:28.90\00:54:30.83
about submitting
yourself to Jesus,
00:54:30.87\00:54:33.44
and letting him have control.
00:54:33.50\00:54:35.84
And so today, as I
identify in a new life
00:54:35.87\00:54:40.54
with Jesus Christ,
00:54:40.58\00:54:42.28
I have to say that my identity
00:54:42.31\00:54:44.48
is that I am
indeed a new creature
00:54:44.51\00:54:47.38
which is what 2
Corinthians 5:17 tells me.
00:54:47.42\00:54:51.19
2 Corinthians 5:17,
00:54:51.22\00:54:53.66
"Therefore if
any man be in Christ,
00:54:53.72\00:54:56.79
he is a new creature."
00:54:56.83\00:54:58.29
It's a new creation.
Christ is the creator.
00:54:58.33\00:55:01.30
If we are in Christ,
we are a new creature,
00:55:01.33\00:55:03.40
a new creation.
00:55:03.47\00:55:04.87
"Old things are passed away,
00:55:04.90\00:55:06.94
behold all
things are become new."
00:55:07.00\00:55:09.50
When I use that
argument all those years
00:55:09.54\00:55:11.21
that I was born this way.
00:55:11.24\00:55:13.44
Jesus has a combat to that.
00:55:13.48\00:55:16.11
He simply says,
"Well, then be born again."
00:55:16.14\00:55:19.41
You now stop
blaming your heritage
00:55:19.45\00:55:21.72
even if you are born that way.
00:55:21.75\00:55:24.25
Jesus came to show us
that we can be born again
00:55:24.29\00:55:27.22
and we can start over.
00:55:27.26\00:55:30.89
The 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.
00:55:30.93\00:55:34.23
You know, a lot of times
we've heard nine and ten,
00:55:34.30\00:55:37.60
and tells us, you
know, who will be received in
00:55:37.63\00:55:41.04
and to have and who won't be.
00:55:41.07\00:55:44.04
And it's clear that, He says
00:55:44.07\00:55:47.21
that homosexuals will
not enter into heaven.
00:55:47.24\00:55:51.01
But verse 11 says,
"Such were some of you."
00:55:51.05\00:55:55.88
That tells me
there has to be healing,
00:55:55.92\00:55:58.29
there has to be
an understanding,
00:55:58.32\00:55:59.72
there has to be a
change, what is the changes?
00:55:59.75\00:56:02.79
Is that from gay to straight?
00:56:02.82\00:56:07.13
No.
00:56:07.20\00:56:08.60
It's about allowing
Jesus to come into your life,
00:56:08.63\00:56:12.83
and to develop
that intimacy with Him,
00:56:12.87\00:56:15.30
getting to know Him,
and seeking to do His will.
00:56:15.34\00:56:18.37
If He is who I've
been reading that He is,
00:56:18.41\00:56:22.14
it all makes sense.
00:56:22.18\00:56:24.08
Like He is all
knowing, and all loving,
00:56:24.11\00:56:26.78
and willing to take you back
00:56:26.85\00:56:28.35
and it's nice to
have somebody who,
00:56:28.38\00:56:32.02
if I don't want Him
there, He's not gonna push,
00:56:32.05\00:56:35.42
but if I do, He is
completely and totally willing
00:56:35.46\00:56:39.39
to just pick me up, dust me off,
00:56:39.43\00:56:42.10
and walk with me.
00:56:42.13\00:56:43.90
What are you willing to
give up for Jesus Christ?
00:56:43.97\00:56:46.84
What are you willing
to give up to please Him?
00:56:46.87\00:56:50.21
What are you willing to
do that will bring glory
00:56:50.24\00:56:52.54
and honor to His name?
00:56:52.57\00:56:54.88
And if it's too much for you,
00:56:54.91\00:56:57.38
if you wanna cling to
something that it appears
00:56:57.45\00:57:00.38
that doesn't bring
Him honor and glory,
00:57:00.42\00:57:02.38
He won't take it
out of your hands,
00:57:02.42\00:57:04.22
He won't force it away from you.
00:57:04.25\00:57:05.95
He will invite
you, but the decision,
00:57:05.99\00:57:09.12
that's the one
thing we did arrive with,
00:57:09.16\00:57:10.89
even though we
arrived with a fallen nature
00:57:10.96\00:57:12.93
and the stain of sin on us.
00:57:12.96\00:57:14.83
He has given us
the power of choice.
00:57:14.83\00:57:17.57
I can either choose for
Him or I can choose for self.
00:57:17.60\00:57:22.37
I like God to show me
00:57:22.40\00:57:24.71
that when I really
started opening up myself
00:57:24.74\00:57:27.51
and making myself
the most vulnerable
00:57:27.58\00:57:29.71
I've ever been
in my entire life,
00:57:29.74\00:57:31.08
that what I get
instead is not rejection
00:57:31.11\00:57:34.02
but acceptance,
00:57:34.05\00:57:35.68
belonging, love,
00:57:35.72\00:57:39.32
peace, safety.
00:57:39.35\00:57:42.19
Because, you know what,
00:57:42.22\00:57:43.56
now that I've told
you my whole ugly story,
00:57:43.63\00:57:45.86
somebody could
walk up to me and say,
00:57:45.89\00:57:47.50
"Mike, you're
nothing but a faggot,"
00:57:47.50\00:57:48.83
and I go "Well, you know,
00:57:48.86\00:57:50.27
without Jesus
Christ you're right,
00:57:50.33\00:57:51.67
that's probably all I would be."
00:57:51.70\00:57:53.50
But, you know, I'm
something so much more,
00:57:53.54\00:57:55.00
not because of what I've done.
00:57:55.04\00:57:57.01
I don't deserve
what God has given to me.
00:57:57.07\00:57:59.21
I certainly couldn't
earn it, there was no way
00:57:59.24\00:58:01.11
that I could ever
change my attractions but,
00:58:01.14\00:58:03.91
by praising each and every day
00:58:03.98\00:58:05.41
That he's given me something
above and beyond anything
00:58:05.45\00:58:08.35
that I ever felt that I deserved
00:58:08.38\00:58:10.72
or that I could ever attain to,
00:58:10.79\00:58:12.72
all because I accepted
the gift of His Son, Jesus,
00:58:12.75\00:58:16.93
and the sacrifice
that was made for me.
00:58:16.96\00:58:19.46
For the first time in my life
00:58:19.49\00:58:22.73
I truly am
00:58:22.76\00:58:25.03
who I am.
00:58:25.07\00:58:26.47
The long battle is now behind
00:58:40.98\00:58:45.95
No more need to be brave
00:58:45.99\00:58:50.29
For though we walked
through darkest nights
00:58:50.33\00:58:54.76
Now we walk into endless day
00:58:54.83\00:59:00.10
Can you hear the voice of Him
00:59:00.14\00:59:05.04
Singing as we come
00:59:05.07\00:59:09.91
Can you feel the love of Him
00:59:09.94\00:59:14.75
Calling His daughters and sons
00:59:14.78\00:59:19.55
Look at every glowing face
00:59:19.59\00:59:23.89
None tell of troubles or fears
00:59:23.93\00:59:28.86
For though we
walked through thorny ways
00:59:28.90\00:59:33.30
Now we walk
through fields of flowers
00:59:33.34\00:59:38.61
Can you hear the voice of Him
00:59:38.64\00:59:43.35
Singing as we come
00:59:43.38\00:59:48.18
Can you feel the love of Him
00:59:48.22\01:00:03.20