I don't understand.
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Why did this
have to happen to me?
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I feel like I just
can't make sense of things.
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I need answers.
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Where is God?
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Hello and welcome to Raw
Questions Relevant Answers.
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A program where we're taking
questions from young people
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that we received
on Facebook and online
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dealing with heavy, hard issues.
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I'm excited to have
today two friends of mine
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as co-hosts of the program,
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Michelle Doucoumes
who's a college professor
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and Mark Paden who's
a freelance filmmaker.
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Today's topic is family,
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issues that
happen within the family,
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family matters.
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So I'm going to ahead and dive
right into our first question.
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This is from a
15-year-old female in Tennessee.
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This is the question.
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"Why do parents
shelter their teenagers so much
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from the world when they know
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we are going to
encounter it after high school?
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Wouldn't God rather
have us experience it
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while our parents
have us under their control
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and can help us through it?
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Doesn't He realize
that when it all hits us,
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it can hurt us?
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Why would He let
those people do that to us?"
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Heavy question. Yeah.
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So here's the first thing.
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The first part of the question
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is why do parents do this, okay?
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And there's a lot of
reasons why parents do it.
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Some is probably out of
sense of wanting control.
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But there's a lot of
parents who genuinely just want
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what's best for
their kids, you know?
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And when the
parent has grown-up,
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they've seen all the bad
stuff happening in the world,
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and they see all the things
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that people can get involved in,
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they want to keep
their kids from that.
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And that's totally not only
understandable but very good.
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The problem comes in though
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when a parent is a little
bit too scared of those things.
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And what ends up happening
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is that there's a
kind of sheltering
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that happens that backfires.
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And I think one
of the biggest things
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from my
experience that I've seen
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is that lovingly
showing your children
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what principles are
while giving them freedom
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to choose at
age-appropriate times,
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of course, is one of the most
effective recipes for success
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because then a young
person has the ability
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to make their own
decision against these things.
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But it really has
to be focused in love,
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in on how it's communicated.
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Yeah.
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You know, you
think of the first time
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that humanity fell
into sin and temptation,
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God gave His
children a freedom to choose
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in the Garden of Eden, right?
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They had this tree of the
knowledge of good and evil,
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they weren't
supposed to go there.
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And He didn't stop them though.
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He didn't cut them off from
it, but He did caution them.
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You know, there were things
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they weren't
supposed hanging out around,
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and that they weren't
supposed to be there alone,
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without each other.
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But when they violated that,
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they fell into that temptation.
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Some of those safeguards
were there as safeguards.
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He didn't cut them
off from their temptation,
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but He didn't want
them to be overly tempted
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in a wrong situation.
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And there is
something that's appropriate.
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I believe our parents
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should try to not
let us be in situations
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that we can't handle that
are going to be unhealthy.
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And so that balance
though can be difficult.
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And sometimes, parents, meaning
well, may shelter too much.
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I remember feeling
like that as a child.
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At one point, I thought,
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"Man, why don't
other kids get to..."
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"Why don't I get to
do what other kids do?
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And watch this and
do that and what not.
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I'm not going to
do that to my kids."
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Looking back, there
actually was some wisdom.
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At that age, it
wouldn't have been good for me
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to be exposed to certain things.
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On the other hand, you're right.
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If you never learned
how to handle and interact
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with the crazy
things in this world,
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that can actually open
up to more temptation later.
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I think it's one
of those situations
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where there's
very good intentions
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but poor execution.
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And in many situations,
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they probably are
regurgitating the way
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that they were taught.
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And I think, we all
need to kind of come
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from a fresh perspective
when we're in leadership,
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of understanding the
principle of self-governance,
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of liberty of conscience
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that we give
information to people,
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but we give freedom
to make their own choices
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and particularly for our kids,
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they actually nailed this.
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I was so impressed with the way
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the person phrased the question,
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"Wouldn't God
rather us experience it
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while our parents
have us under their control
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so they can help us through it?"
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And that's exactly right.
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That's
self-governance in a sentence.
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That you're given freedom
to make your own decision,
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but it's in a situation
where you can actually be given
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mentorship and correction
when a wrong decision is made,
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and you can talk
through the thought process
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that led to this decision.
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"What was it that you..."
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And not just,
"What were you thinking?"
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It's like a shaming approach,
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but, "What were the
thoughts that led you
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into making this decision
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and how can we make
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a different
decision going forward,"
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because what we're
really hoping to do
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is to train them to
think and reason for themselves
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when confronte
with the decision.
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As opposed to sheltering
them from any bad choice,
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teach them how to
make the right choice
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when conflicted or
tempted to make a wrong one.
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That's a
really, really big deal.
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Do you have something
else before we move on?
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Yeah, this is a quote
from the book Education
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that's super relevant.
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"To direct the
child's development
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without hindering
it by undue control
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should be the study of
both parent and teacher.
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Too much management
is as bad as too little."
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Wow! So they're both bad.
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"The effort to
break the will of a child
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is a terrible mistake.
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Minds are
constituted differently,
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while force may
secure outward submission.
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The result with many children
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is more determined
rebellion of the heart.
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While under authority,
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the children may appear
like well-drilled soldiers,
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but when the control seizes,
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their character will
be found to lack strength
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and steadfastness.
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Having never
learned to govern himself,
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the youth
recognizes no restraint
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except the requirements
of parents or teachers.
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These removed, he knows
not how to use his liberty
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and often gives himself up
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to indulgences
that proves his ruin."
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Wow!
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And so this I think
comes as a strong warning
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to parents and
teachers especially
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to really,
prayerfully seek out to do this
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and how to put
this into practice.
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Wow! Super, super important.
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The topic of
self-governance is just big.
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Second question.
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We don't have an
age for this one,
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but, "How can I
come to know God in a way
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that isn't influenced
by the family relationships
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that have hurt me in the past?"
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This is actually
something we addressed
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in a former episode of
how can I try to see God
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in the right way
whenever the people
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that God intended to show me
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what He is like
failed me in their role.
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Any thoughts on that?
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Yeah, I think
one of the biggest...
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'Cause again, getting
back to the Word of God.
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I don't think we can
over emphasize this point,
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stop looking to
people, stop looking to people.
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Look to God.
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Look to the
goodness and love of God.
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Look to Him as
He defines Himself
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in this book.
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This is your safety.
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Any looking at
parents, teachers, and pastors,
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whatever, no
matter how good they are
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and how smart they
are, they're not God.
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They can't be our
only judge, right?
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God gave them to us with
the intentional objective
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to be the object
lesson of what He's like.
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They're meant to be
there for us to see,
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but don't let that be the only,
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you know, means to
which you make that decision.
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Yeah, you know, a
big principle with this
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is that we are not
defined by our past.
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We're affected
greatly by those things.
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But I wouldn't want
anyone to walk away feeling
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like just because
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you grew up with a
certain family environment
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means that for life,
that is your destiny.
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We have a choice. We do.
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And we have a choice in
God's Word, like you said,
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to go and to find these things
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to develop an
identity of our own,
00:08:01.98\00:08:04.88
the identity God has for us
regardless of that background.
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And in a very practical sense,
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it takes defining how
we've been hurt honestly.
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If we don't recognize an issue,
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we're not going to
be able to address it.
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The first stage is
really is taking a look at
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what has hurt us
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and how has this
defined in our minds,
00:08:22.03\00:08:23.73
the view of God and comparing
that to the Word of God
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and saying, "Does this line up?"
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Yes.
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If it doesn't
line up, throw it out.
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Yeah. This is the amazing thing.
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The question itself shows
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that this
individual has an awareness
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that many don't in
this situation, right?
00:08:35.78\00:08:38.58
Many wrestle
with poor views of God
00:08:38.61\00:08:40.38
because parents failed them
or family members failed them.
00:08:40.42\00:08:43.42
Not as many know why.
00:08:43.45\00:08:46.09
So the fact that this
person recognizes this
00:08:46.12\00:08:48.09
is a sign of a great maturity,
00:08:48.12\00:08:49.66
and that God's
already granting wisdom
00:08:49.69\00:08:51.63
that will lead
to freedom, right?
00:08:51.66\00:08:53.13
Because you need to
know what the problem is
00:08:53.16\00:08:54.50
before you can deal with it.
00:08:54.53\00:08:55.86
Yeah. And I
think that's amazing.
00:08:55.90\00:08:57.23
I'm very grateful that God
has given them that perspective.
00:08:57.27\00:09:00.44
Last question here is,
00:09:00.47\00:09:01.80
"When there is a
divorce in a Christian home,
00:09:01.84\00:09:03.67
how can you handle it
and be grounded in Christ?"
00:09:03.71\00:09:06.17
This is from a female who
is 26 in the state of Illinois.
00:09:06.21\00:09:10.01
I grew up in a home
where divorce took place.
00:09:10.05\00:09:12.58
My parents where three
or four when that happened.
00:09:12.61\00:09:15.48
Now it was not in a
necessarily Christian home,
00:09:15.52\00:09:19.65
somewhat of an unchurched
home to some degree for me.
00:09:19.69\00:09:22.66
But the question is
00:09:22.69\00:09:24.03
"How can you handle it
and be grounded in Christ?"
00:09:24.06\00:09:25.79
It's even harder in that sense
00:09:25.83\00:09:27.16
because there's a
sense of moral understanding
00:09:27.20\00:09:30.07
and accountability
where it's just shunned,
00:09:30.10\00:09:32.60
it's not approved of.
00:09:32.63\00:09:34.20
It's not something one
would want in this sense.
00:09:34.24\00:09:36.67
And what do you do?
00:09:36.71\00:09:38.04
Like, what do...
00:09:38.07\00:09:39.41
First of all, how
are other church members
00:09:39.44\00:09:40.88
going to view me?
00:09:40.91\00:09:42.24
That's part of the
pressure you contend with.
00:09:42.28\00:09:43.78
How are they going
to view my parents?
00:09:43.81\00:09:45.71
How do I make sense of life?
00:09:45.75\00:09:47.15
Like, I may end up
in two different places.
00:09:47.18\00:09:49.28
There's a lot of weight
on a person as a young child
00:09:49.32\00:09:51.69
that they didn't ask for,
that they're just inheriting.
00:09:51.72\00:09:54.06
And so the question is
00:09:54.09\00:09:55.42
"How can you handle it
and be grounded in Christ?"
00:09:55.46\00:09:58.43
We need...
00:09:58.46\00:09:59.79
It depends on how
young the person is
00:09:59.83\00:10:01.16
I guess in this stage.
00:10:01.20\00:10:02.53
But if they're a teenager,
00:10:02.56\00:10:04.20
we desperately need to
be seeking the Word of God
00:10:04.23\00:10:06.23
for ourselves
00:10:06.27\00:10:07.60
and seeking a communion
with God to fill in those voice
00:10:07.64\00:10:10.54
or we're going to have
emptiness and vacancies.
00:10:10.57\00:10:13.21
One of the common
threads that happens in divorces
00:10:13.24\00:10:15.51
is sometimes the children
are wondering, "Is it my fault?
00:10:15.54\00:10:18.25
Am I somewhat responsible
for what's going on?"
00:10:18.28\00:10:21.05
So there can even be shame,
00:10:21.08\00:10:22.42
unnecessary shame
that we may be feeling
00:10:22.45\00:10:25.02
because of this
that can cause us
00:10:25.05\00:10:27.02
additional difficulties as well.
00:10:27.06\00:10:28.49
But there's a God in
heaven who hasn't failed us
00:10:28.52\00:10:31.16
even when our family has,
00:10:31.19\00:10:33.50
if it was because
of a moral shortcoming
00:10:33.53\00:10:35.13
on Mom or Dad's
behalf, God didn't do that.
00:10:35.16\00:10:38.30
And God's love is
unfailing, it's not divorced,
00:10:38.33\00:10:41.00
it's not
separated, it's not divided.
00:10:41.04\00:10:43.37
He has always
been faithful to Mom,
00:10:43.41\00:10:45.41
He's always
been faithful to Dad,
00:10:45.44\00:10:47.18
He's always been faithful to me.
00:10:47.21\00:10:48.94
And if there was no
one else I can talk to,
00:10:48.98\00:10:50.95
He's safe and I can trust Him.
00:10:50.98\00:10:53.92
You know, I want to come
in here with another example.
00:10:53.95\00:10:58.52
I had a friend
named Vera Onkoba.
00:10:58.55\00:11:02.29
Last year, she passed away.
00:11:02.32\00:11:04.49
She was 36 years old, and,
you know, she had a freak...
00:11:04.53\00:11:08.20
Her heart just
stopped, you know.
00:11:08.23\00:11:10.37
She was driving to work
one day, and it just stopped.
00:11:10.40\00:11:13.07
The next day, she came back,
her heart stopped again, right?
00:11:13.10\00:11:17.37
But she went
through this situation
00:11:17.41\00:11:18.84
in which she got really hurt.
00:11:18.87\00:11:23.61
Her heart really got
hurt at one point by somebody.
00:11:23.65\00:11:26.58
And she described
how she got over it
00:11:26.61\00:11:29.18
was that she
came to God every day,
00:11:29.22\00:11:31.55
and He was her counselor,
00:11:31.59\00:11:33.56
that He came to her and...
00:11:33.59\00:11:36.49
She would come
to Him and just pray
00:11:36.52\00:11:37.86
and just pour out her
heart to God on a daily basis,
00:11:37.89\00:11:40.40
telling Him what
she'd gone through
00:11:40.43\00:11:42.53
and asking for His healing
00:11:42.56\00:11:43.90
and then going
to the Word of God.
00:11:43.93\00:11:45.27
I've never met a person
who loved the Word of God
00:11:45.30\00:11:47.90
more than she did.
00:11:47.94\00:11:49.27
Like, some people, like,
they know the Word of God
00:11:49.30\00:11:51.21
or they believe
in the Word of God,
00:11:51.24\00:11:52.57
she loved the Word of God.
00:11:52.61\00:11:53.94
And she was so kind to
everybody, so compassionate,
00:11:53.98\00:11:56.34
so giving up herself.
00:11:56.38\00:11:58.61
And I think that came
and how she related to God,
00:11:58.65\00:12:02.05
how she came to Him
and was healed by Him.
00:12:02.08\00:12:05.12
God has promised to heal
00:12:05.15\00:12:06.49
the broken and
the hurt, you know?
00:12:06.52\00:12:09.26
I think when we go
through those things,
00:12:09.29\00:12:11.03
when we go through...
00:12:11.06\00:12:12.39
Maybe it's divorce in our family
00:12:12.43\00:12:13.76
or maybe it's some
other difficult situation,
00:12:13.80\00:12:17.40
I think it would be good
if we did that same thing,
00:12:17.43\00:12:20.14
going back to God
and just pouring out
00:12:20.17\00:12:22.64
our burdens before
Him and laying them down
00:12:22.67\00:12:24.64
and asking Him for healing
and learning what He's like.
00:12:24.67\00:12:28.24
And through that process,
I think we'll find healing.
00:12:28.28\00:12:30.18
You know, with
this, it's a sad reality
00:12:30.21\00:12:33.31
that divorce is not
just for non-Christians.
00:12:33.35\00:12:37.02
And I believe
that a reason for that
00:12:37.05\00:12:38.72
is because Satan is angry.
00:12:38.75\00:12:42.16
The family is meant to
be a representation of God.
00:12:42.19\00:12:45.79
We have all these marriage
00:12:45.83\00:12:47.16
and family illustrations
of God's love for us.
00:12:47.20\00:12:49.86
And so, of course,
Satan is going to attack that.
00:12:49.90\00:12:53.13
And so if someone is
watching, and you're like,
00:12:53.17\00:12:55.10
"Well, I have a
Christian family,
00:12:55.14\00:12:56.47
how did this happen?"
00:12:56.50\00:12:57.84
Realize we have an
enemy who is out to destroy,
00:12:57.87\00:13:00.28
especially families.
00:13:00.31\00:13:02.54
And it may not be that
your family is evil or bad,
00:13:02.58\00:13:05.11
but they're struggling too.
00:13:05.15\00:13:06.58
Yeah. They need your prayers.
00:13:06.61\00:13:08.98
We need that healing.
00:13:09.02\00:13:10.35
All of us need that healing
00:13:10.39\00:13:11.72
that God gives
us is the only way
00:13:11.75\00:13:13.09
to heal the
brokenness that happens
00:13:13.12\00:13:14.76
because we have an enemy.
00:13:14.79\00:13:16.12
Yeah, and a lot of this starts
00:13:16.16\00:13:17.99
because there's
some form of brokenness
00:13:18.03\00:13:19.36
that Mom and Dad
individually are grappling with.
00:13:19.39\00:13:21.83
And it helps us to understand
going in relationships,
00:13:21.86\00:13:25.10
whenever we get to
make that decision,
00:13:25.13\00:13:27.14
when we grew up
in divorce homes,
00:13:27.17\00:13:28.50
we realize the ramifications
of some of those environments.
00:13:28.54\00:13:31.44
And it's an intrinsic motivation
00:13:31.47\00:13:33.84
to bring our
brokenness to Christ
00:13:33.88\00:13:35.74
to ensure that we
don't continue that pattern.
00:13:35.78\00:13:37.71
I know that's
certainly a big burden of mine
00:13:37.75\00:13:39.68
is I want to be made well
00:13:39.71\00:13:41.05
to ensure that I don't
end up in the same position
00:13:41.08\00:13:43.92
of putting my
children in the same position
00:13:43.95\00:13:45.99
that I went through.
00:13:46.02\00:13:47.36
And I think it's
a privilege for us
00:13:47.39\00:13:49.16
to be able to
have access to a God
00:13:49.19\00:13:50.99
who'd literally
makes all things new.
00:13:51.03\00:13:53.93
We're told in
Revelation 21 that He says,
00:13:53.96\00:13:55.83
"I'll make all things new
00:13:55.86\00:13:57.37
and My promise to do so is true,
00:13:57.40\00:13:59.83
and it is faithful."
00:13:59.87\00:14:01.20
You can take it to the bank.
00:14:01.24\00:14:02.80
If you have further
questions you'd like to ask us,
00:14:02.84\00:14:04.47
you can go to our
Facebook page, RQRA3ABN.
00:14:04.51\00:14:08.44
We'd love to hear from you.
00:14:08.48\00:14:09.81
And we'll see you
on our next program.
00:14:09.84\00:14:11.45