I don't understand. 00:00:01.73\00:00:04.43 Why did this have to happen to me? 00:00:04.47\00:00:08.07 I feel like I just can't make sense of things. 00:00:08.10\00:00:12.41 I need answers. 00:00:12.44\00:00:15.71 Where is God? 00:00:15.74\00:00:18.35 Relationships, relationships, relationships. 00:00:22.98\00:00:27.56 I don't know if it would be possible 00:00:27.59\00:00:29.06 to do a program of questions that young people ask most 00:00:29.09\00:00:32.19 without covering that topic. 00:00:32.23\00:00:34.13 Welcome to Raw Questions Relevant Answers. 00:00:34.16\00:00:36.60 And this is a program 00:00:36.63\00:00:38.07 where we look at the common questions 00:00:38.10\00:00:40.24 that you as young people have been sending in 00:00:40.27\00:00:43.61 to be answered. 00:00:43.64\00:00:44.97 My name is Michelle Doucoumes. 00:00:45.01\00:00:46.34 I'm here with my co-hosts, Dee Casper, and Mark Paden. 00:00:46.37\00:00:49.38 We are the relationship experts. 00:00:49.41\00:00:51.15 Okay, wait, we're actually not. 00:00:51.18\00:00:53.38 But we are going to try to look at your questions biblically 00:00:53.42\00:00:58.49 and do our best with the help of the Holy Spirit. 00:00:58.52\00:01:02.06 So we're going to go to our first question today. 00:01:02.09\00:01:04.83 This question was sent in from a 26-year-old female. 00:01:04.86\00:01:09.23 Is there such a thing as too many rules 00:01:09.26\00:01:13.20 and overthinking a relationship? 00:01:13.23\00:01:17.74 What you think? Yeah. I mean... 00:01:17.77\00:01:19.77 I would say yes and no, but I'll let Mark answer first 00:01:19.81\00:01:22.54 I think there's... 00:01:22.58\00:01:23.91 Okay, there's two sides to this. 00:01:23.95\00:01:25.28 Where this question, I think, is coming from is that 00:01:25.31\00:01:28.75 there has been a movement to add in more rules 00:01:28.78\00:01:32.69 and thinking into relationships 00:01:32.72\00:01:34.09 because on a general note in society, 00:01:34.12\00:01:37.03 you know, we don't have a lot, 00:01:37.06\00:01:38.39 you know, hookup with somebody for a weekend, 00:01:38.43\00:01:40.00 and then, you know, it's just... 00:01:40.03\00:01:41.90 In many ways, dating now is very lucid. 00:01:41.93\00:01:46.87 Conditional. Yes. 00:01:46.90\00:01:48.34 It doesn't have the commitment and the beauty 00:01:48.37\00:01:49.97 and the principles 00:01:50.01\00:01:51.54 that are characterized in the Word of God. 00:01:51.57\00:01:55.04 However, sometimes what I think can end up happening is that 00:01:55.08\00:01:58.55 those of us who have grown up in it 00:01:58.58\00:02:00.35 and who have had a lot of emphasis 00:02:00.38\00:02:04.12 placed on relationship rules and dating 00:02:04.15\00:02:07.56 can sometimes get into this mode 00:02:07.59\00:02:09.12 where you start to overthink everything. 00:02:09.16\00:02:13.13 And so instead of thinking in a normal way, 00:02:13.16\00:02:15.76 you can easily overthink it. 00:02:15.80\00:02:18.80 Honestly, I think the answer of the question is yes and no, 00:02:18.83\00:02:23.44 but the determining factor is you, right? 00:02:23.47\00:02:26.27 'Cause you can overthink it, but you can also underthink it. 00:02:26.31\00:02:29.28 The key, I believe, 00:02:29.31\00:02:30.65 is to really see God in His Word 00:02:30.68\00:02:32.38 and other spiritual counsel. 00:02:32.41\00:02:34.72 God doesn't want us to have analysis paralysis 00:02:34.75\00:02:37.35 in this selection of our future spouse. 00:02:37.39\00:02:40.06 I mean, we believe that there are biblical principles 00:02:40.09\00:02:43.32 who we can work with that kind of understand 00:02:43.36\00:02:45.09 that the purpose of relationships is marriage, 00:02:45.13\00:02:47.93 not just to do it that wilt and hope for the best. 00:02:47.96\00:02:51.50 There should be some intentionality here, 00:02:51.53\00:02:53.03 but in order to kind of teach 00:02:53.07\00:02:54.90 or to kind of open that discourse, 00:02:54.94\00:02:57.07 there have been some who've laid out principles 00:02:57.11\00:02:58.84 that are kind of going beyond... 00:02:58.87\00:03:00.68 It's kind of what the Pharisees and Sadducees did. 00:03:00.71\00:03:02.38 They had, like, 37 laws for the Sabbath 00:03:02.41\00:03:04.75 that you can't find in the Bible. 00:03:04.78\00:03:06.72 If you spit on the ground, you're plowing the soil. 00:03:06.75\00:03:08.55 If you untie your shoe or do a finishing stroke... 00:03:08.58\00:03:11.05 And the intentions were good. 00:03:11.09\00:03:12.42 We definitely don't want to break the Sabbath. 00:03:12.45\00:03:14.36 Let's just ensure that no one does. 00:03:14.39\00:03:16.62 And this can, at times, put us in situations 00:03:16.66\00:03:18.36 where there's so much fear of doing the wrong thing 00:03:18.39\00:03:21.60 that we don't know how to do anything. 00:03:21.63\00:03:23.87 And so I can resonate to some degree 00:03:23.90\00:03:25.67 with that thought process of 00:03:25.70\00:03:27.67 it seems like it's a little too much to some degree, 00:03:27.70\00:03:30.51 so how do we go about this process of 00:03:30.54\00:03:32.07 like meeting and going forward, 00:03:32.11\00:03:33.44 but their question was, "Is it possible?" 00:03:33.48\00:03:35.28 Yes, it's possible, 00:03:35.31\00:03:36.64 but it's also possible for us to be so self-confident 00:03:36.68\00:03:40.38 in our ability to recognize the situation 00:03:40.42\00:03:42.45 without receiving godly counsel, 00:03:42.48\00:03:44.29 without talking to our parents, 00:03:44.32\00:03:45.65 without talking to their parents, right? 00:03:45.69\00:03:47.39 Some of these godly principles are in Scripture. 00:03:47.42\00:03:50.46 Then when we do that, 00:03:50.49\00:03:52.09 we end up in situations that we regret later 00:03:52.13\00:03:54.50 and wish that someone would have told us. 00:03:54.53\00:03:56.73 And those principles were there to protect us 00:03:56.77\00:03:58.53 from that situation. 00:03:58.57\00:04:00.37 And you know... So hang on. Mark, go ahead. 00:04:00.40\00:04:02.84 On that too, we do really have to think 00:04:02.87\00:04:05.74 about the solemnity of this decision. 00:04:05.77\00:04:08.04 Yeah. 00:04:08.08\00:04:09.41 I mean, you don't really want to have 00:04:09.44\00:04:12.61 divorce as an option. 00:04:12.65\00:04:13.98 I mean, that messes up a lot of people's lives. 00:04:14.02\00:04:16.62 Think about your kids, right? 00:04:16.65\00:04:18.52 And so going into this, 00:04:18.55\00:04:20.12 you're really making a decision for life. 00:04:20.16\00:04:22.76 That's God's way. 00:04:22.79\00:04:25.19 And when you think of it in that context, 00:04:25.23\00:04:28.20 I mean, when you're looking to buy... 00:04:28.23\00:04:30.83 Well, okay, in my case, 00:04:30.87\00:04:32.20 I may be looking to buy a camera. 00:04:32.23\00:04:33.57 I'll have that camera for three years, right? 00:04:33.60\00:04:35.54 Maybe four. After that, it doesn't matter. 00:04:35.57\00:04:38.31 I can get a better one, but with the wife, 00:04:38.34\00:04:42.11 that's a little bit different, you know. 00:04:42.14\00:04:43.65 And this is really huge. 00:04:43.68\00:04:45.01 It's the idea that relationships 00:04:45.05\00:04:47.25 are sacred, are special. 00:04:47.28\00:04:49.48 I read once how whenever we step into someone's life, 00:04:49.52\00:04:52.32 it's like we're stepping on sacred ground. 00:04:52.35\00:04:55.22 And if you're working towards more intimate relationship, 00:04:55.26\00:04:58.86 like a romantic relationship and leading towards a marriage, 00:04:58.89\00:05:02.43 think about the sacredness of that. 00:05:02.46\00:05:04.33 But maybe it's often easy to think about a lot of rules 00:05:04.37\00:05:07.77 because it's hard for us to understand the principles. 00:05:07.80\00:05:11.14 But God is a God of principles 00:05:11.17\00:05:13.54 that He likes to give us a picture that we're following. 00:05:13.58\00:05:16.31 For instance, the intentionality is huge. 00:05:16.34\00:05:19.81 I've had someone tell me before how you know, 00:05:19.85\00:05:22.48 "Hey, a relationship or a courtship is successful 00:05:22.52\00:05:25.49 as long as you decide whether or not 00:05:25.52\00:05:27.79 you and that person should get married. 00:05:27.82\00:05:29.46 Yes. Well, yes. Amen to that. 00:05:29.49\00:05:31.76 But I disagree. 00:05:31.79\00:05:33.13 Really? Yeah. 00:05:33.16\00:05:34.50 To some degree, I do. Go ahead. 00:05:34.53\00:05:35.86 I agree and disagree. 00:05:35.90\00:05:37.23 I agree, but yet, at the same time, 00:05:37.27\00:05:39.50 how do we do the relationship. 00:05:39.53\00:05:41.50 Are not all relationships meant to teach us 00:05:41.54\00:05:43.84 more about how to love people? 00:05:43.87\00:05:46.37 How to treat people like Christ? 00:05:46.41\00:05:48.61 They're all a growing experience. 00:05:48.64\00:05:51.11 And if we're not doing a relationship in that way, 00:05:51.15\00:05:53.31 we can have an ungodly relationship 00:05:53.35\00:05:55.58 even if it is solving the issue 00:05:55.62\00:05:58.09 of whether we get married or not. 00:05:58.12\00:05:59.82 So how do we go into it? 00:05:59.85\00:06:01.19 Do we go into it with that respect, 00:06:01.22\00:06:03.83 with that object of treating the other person 00:06:03.86\00:06:06.56 as Christ would treat them? 00:06:06.59\00:06:08.53 Are we looking at how we deal with people's hearts? 00:06:08.56\00:06:12.03 We are holistic beings, mental, emotional, physical. 00:06:12.07\00:06:15.97 Many relationships get out of whack 00:06:16.00\00:06:17.71 in one of those areas, 00:06:17.74\00:06:19.07 even if a physical is way ahead of the other two 00:06:19.11\00:06:21.08 or some imbalance that can lead to hurting hearts. 00:06:21.11\00:06:24.31 And so I would encourage... 00:06:24.35\00:06:26.01 Yeah, there can be too many rules, 00:06:26.05\00:06:28.22 but in order to not focus on rules, 00:06:28.25\00:06:30.45 they do some research about the principles God had 00:06:30.49\00:06:33.12 for what relationship means, what it's for. 00:06:33.15\00:06:36.39 And that can really lead us 00:06:36.42\00:06:37.76 to treat it in a very special way. 00:06:37.79\00:06:39.39 Yeah. 00:06:39.43\00:06:40.83 In the context of my amen, 00:06:40.86\00:06:44.30 this is one of the biggest reasons 00:06:44.33\00:06:45.67 why people are so discouraged by all these rules 00:06:45.70\00:06:48.60 and regulations they get thrown in their direction is 00:06:48.64\00:06:51.01 they feel the only reason 00:06:51.04\00:06:52.37 they can even consider starting a relationship 00:06:52.41\00:06:54.54 to some degree is how they feel 00:06:54.58\00:06:56.08 whether that's what's actually being taught or not, 00:06:56.11\00:06:57.55 how they feel is, "I can't even date this person 00:06:57.58\00:06:59.85 if I'm not going to marry them," 00:06:59.88\00:07:01.52 or you go through the process of getting to know them. 00:07:01.55\00:07:03.32 And the problem is there's so much pressure on them 00:07:03.35\00:07:05.69 that when the relationship falls apart, 00:07:05.72\00:07:07.16 they start questioning everything they've ever known. 00:07:07.19\00:07:09.56 "Do I even know how to hear from God, 00:07:09.59\00:07:11.66 is everything about this wrong?" 00:07:11.69\00:07:13.03 And there is this yoke 00:07:13.06\00:07:14.40 that comes from a failure of sorts 00:07:14.43\00:07:16.80 that they don't know what to do with. 00:07:16.83\00:07:18.57 And the point that one of the lessons you learn 00:07:18.60\00:07:20.34 through this process was 00:07:20.37\00:07:21.70 there wasn't a fitness for a marriage. 00:07:21.74\00:07:23.44 And it's better to learn that now than later. 00:07:23.47\00:07:25.64 But you went into this one with intentionality to see 00:07:25.67\00:07:27.94 if you were fit for marriage. 00:07:27.98\00:07:30.08 I think there's both sides to this principle, 00:07:30.11\00:07:31.58 and I really like what you brought out on your point, 00:07:31.61\00:07:34.32 which I think is super, super important. 00:07:34.35\00:07:36.45 It isn't talked about near as much. 00:07:36.48\00:07:39.42 We have another question here. 00:07:39.45\00:07:41.12 This is coming from another female 00:07:41.16\00:07:44.06 who is asking, 00:07:44.09\00:07:45.59 "As a young single female, I don't date, 00:07:45.63\00:07:48.76 but I want to be a wife and helpmate to a godly man 00:07:48.80\00:07:53.07 who works for the Lord in these last days. 00:07:53.10\00:07:55.34 Is prayer my only option in this case? 00:07:55.37\00:07:59.21 I know it sounds awful to say 00:07:59.24\00:08:01.31 because prayer is always the best option, 00:08:01.34\00:08:03.81 but is there anything else I can or should be doing?" 00:08:03.85\00:08:07.18 I'm sitting here on a panel with two men, we have... 00:08:07.22\00:08:10.59 So I guess I'll interject, 00:08:10.62\00:08:12.19 and then you guys can help out this question too. 00:08:12.22\00:08:15.39 As another young single female, I hear you. 00:08:15.42\00:08:19.13 I understand how that is that often we wonder, 00:08:19.16\00:08:23.20 "What do we do? How do we wait?" 00:08:23.23\00:08:25.70 You know, some principles that I have seen 00:08:25.73\00:08:27.84 is in Luke 16:10, Jesus says, "He who is faithful in little, 00:08:27.87\00:08:32.04 be may ruler over much." 00:08:32.07\00:08:35.84 If we are not given a relationship or helpmate 00:08:35.88\00:08:38.95 or husband at this time, maybe consider 00:08:38.98\00:08:41.58 what are we doing with what God's given us? 00:08:41.62\00:08:43.72 Are we being faithful with the task 00:08:43.75\00:08:45.75 with the relationships that God has now? 00:08:45.79\00:08:48.46 Those are the things that prepare us. 00:08:48.49\00:08:50.09 I've seen this in my life. 00:08:50.13\00:08:51.46 God puts friends, God puts ministries, 00:08:51.49\00:08:54.23 God puts opportunities in my life 00:08:54.26\00:08:56.26 that shape me and shape my character. 00:08:56.30\00:08:58.60 As I look back, 00:08:58.63\00:09:00.07 those are things that are going to effect 00:09:00.10\00:09:02.14 how I am with my future husband. 00:09:02.17\00:09:04.01 Yeah. Am I making good use of that? 00:09:04.04\00:09:06.81 The other thing is 1 Corinthians 7:34, 00:09:06.84\00:09:11.05 Paul talks about how, you know, 00:09:11.08\00:09:12.98 married women look for the things of their husband. 00:09:13.01\00:09:15.48 Single women get to focus on the things of the Lord. 00:09:15.52\00:09:18.25 Paul even goes so far to say, 00:09:18.29\00:09:19.85 "Hey, maybe it's better to be single in some cases." 00:09:19.89\00:09:23.69 But regardless of how long you'll be single, 00:09:23.73\00:09:26.53 are we taking advantage of the time that we're single. 00:09:26.56\00:09:29.36 It is a time when we can focus on the Lord, 00:09:29.40\00:09:31.80 when we can do growth in certain areas 00:09:31.83\00:09:33.87 that we may not be able to focus on as much, 00:09:33.90\00:09:36.40 when we have a family, 00:09:36.44\00:09:37.77 when we have those God given obligations. 00:09:37.81\00:09:40.54 And so maybe some faithfulness in those things now 00:09:40.58\00:09:43.65 can be of help. 00:09:43.68\00:09:45.61 I would just briefly say that it's a prime time 00:09:45.65\00:09:49.45 to search our own hearts in the sea where we're broken, 00:09:49.48\00:09:52.89 any issues we may have from residual upbringing, 00:09:52.92\00:09:55.09 whether it'd be from our parents, 00:09:55.12\00:09:56.46 if you grew up in a divorce home, like I did, 00:09:56.49\00:09:58.06 or something else, 00:09:58.09\00:09:59.43 any insecurities you have, any tendencies, 00:09:59.46\00:10:01.50 or, you know, shortcomings you see in your personality 00:10:01.53\00:10:04.97 that cause problems in our personal relationships, 00:10:05.00\00:10:07.20 this is the best time to search your heart 00:10:07.24\00:10:09.94 to find counseling, to find healing to ensure that 00:10:09.97\00:10:12.44 whenever that time does come for a relationship, 00:10:12.47\00:10:14.41 there's less you're bringing into that 00:10:14.44\00:10:16.44 that you guys deal with later. 00:10:16.48\00:10:17.81 It's far better to deal with those issues now 00:10:17.85\00:10:19.61 than in the midst of a situation 00:10:19.65\00:10:20.98 of merging two lives together. 00:10:21.02\00:10:22.98 You know, one other thing too that I would say to that, 00:10:23.02\00:10:25.69 part of the question is, "Is there anything 00:10:25.72\00:10:28.02 I can be doing in the meantime?" 00:10:28.06\00:10:30.79 It seems like with the implication like, 00:10:30.83\00:10:32.79 "Am I just supposed to wait and sit and pray 00:10:32.83\00:10:35.06 and like is this all I can do?" 00:10:35.10\00:10:37.30 I think one of the beautiful things 00:10:37.33\00:10:38.77 about the gospel is that there is a certain... 00:10:38.80\00:10:43.04 Well, we can't do anything to atone for ourselves, 00:10:43.07\00:10:45.37 well, we can... 00:10:45.41\00:10:46.74 There's no such thing as creature merit. 00:10:46.78\00:10:48.31 It doesn't do anything. 00:10:48.34\00:10:50.65 There is an aspect in which in day-to-day life, 00:10:50.68\00:10:53.55 God does expect us to do things. 00:10:53.58\00:10:55.28 God doesn't ask us to just sit here on the planet 00:10:55.32\00:10:58.39 and pray and ask Him to do 00:10:58.42\00:10:59.75 every single little thing for us. 00:10:59.79\00:11:01.72 He says, "Get up, go out, take the Gospel to the world." 00:11:01.76\00:11:06.59 We aren't the ones who bring the increase, 00:11:06.63\00:11:09.73 but we plant the seed. 00:11:09.76\00:11:11.10 We water the seed, right? 00:11:11.13\00:11:12.47 And I think it goes 00:11:12.50\00:11:13.90 the same principle applies in this situation, you know. 00:11:13.94\00:11:18.24 When you're waiting on God on this and praying 00:11:18.27\00:11:20.21 and asking Him to bring the right person to you. 00:11:20.24\00:11:24.95 You have something to do 00:11:24.98\00:11:26.65 and going out and meeting people, right? 00:11:26.68\00:11:28.88 You can go and get to know other people. 00:11:28.92\00:11:31.92 I mean, you're not... 00:11:31.95\00:11:33.76 God isn't going to just magically bring 00:11:33.79\00:11:36.29 the perfect husband to you 00:11:36.32\00:11:38.06 just riding on a pelican or something, right? 00:11:38.09\00:11:40.63 He could. He could. 00:11:40.66\00:11:42.76 You probably won't know. Yeah, exactly. 00:11:42.80\00:11:44.93 You know, just go out there, like get to know people, 00:11:44.97\00:11:48.74 invest in relationships with people 00:11:48.77\00:11:52.54 that are like-minded, 00:11:52.57\00:11:54.28 talk with them, get to know them. 00:11:54.31\00:11:55.74 And find out where God is leading you in life 00:11:55.78\00:11:57.81 and pursue that with every ounce of your being. 00:11:57.85\00:11:59.71 And if this person isn't moving in the same direction 00:11:59.75\00:12:01.58 that God is leading you, 00:12:01.62\00:12:03.25 then it's probably not going to work. 00:12:03.28\00:12:04.95 And this is why it is important for us... 00:12:04.99\00:12:07.02 You know, Adam and Eve both had time alone with God 00:12:07.06\00:12:09.09 before God brought them together 00:12:09.12\00:12:10.46 to know who they were and where they were going. 00:12:10.49\00:12:12.39 And I think it's an important and helpful principle 00:12:12.43\00:12:14.33 that who are you, where are you going, 00:12:14.36\00:12:17.03 and if that's not in harmony, that helps you to know 00:12:17.07\00:12:20.27 whether you're moving the same direction or not. 00:12:20.30\00:12:22.30 So take advantage of that time to find out who you are. 00:12:22.34\00:12:25.41 Right. How you go. 00:12:25.44\00:12:26.78 You know, I've heard it like this. 00:12:26.81\00:12:28.18 Look at how much is a person like me? 00:12:28.21\00:12:30.98 Is that compatible? 00:12:31.01\00:12:32.41 Do we match, but how much is this person like God? 00:12:32.45\00:12:35.42 Yes. That's a bigger thing. 00:12:35.45\00:12:37.15 And where are we going? 00:12:37.19\00:12:38.92 There's council about 00:12:38.95\00:12:40.29 is this person going to expand your sphere of influence, 00:12:40.32\00:12:43.63 your usefulness in this life? 00:12:43.66\00:12:46.19 And part of it, like you all mentioned, 00:12:46.23\00:12:48.03 is maybe God's wanting us 00:12:48.06\00:12:50.10 to learn more about His call for our lives first, 00:12:50.13\00:12:53.20 how do we know if we're going 00:12:53.23\00:12:54.57 in the same direction as someone 00:12:54.60\00:12:56.10 if we haven't asked God about our direction? 00:12:56.14\00:12:57.74 Yeah. 00:12:57.77\00:12:59.11 I want to read this really quick. 00:12:59.14\00:13:01.14 These are some words of wisdom that I heard. 00:13:01.18\00:13:05.08 And this is speaking to a young man 00:13:05.11\00:13:07.52 in regards to relationship he's currently pursuing. 00:13:07.55\00:13:10.02 "If the atmosphere surrounding her 00:13:10.05\00:13:11.85 is the most agreeable to you, 00:13:11.89\00:13:13.76 if she meets your standard for a wife 00:13:13.79\00:13:15.62 to stand at the head of your family, 00:13:15.66\00:13:18.13 if in your calm judgment 00:13:18.16\00:13:19.59 taken in the light given you of God, 00:13:19.63\00:13:21.50 her example would be worthy of imitation, 00:13:21.53\00:13:24.40 you may as well marry her." 00:13:24.43\00:13:26.27 So basically, if they're really agreeable to you, 00:13:26.30\00:13:29.94 if they meet your standards to be your wife, 00:13:29.97\00:13:32.84 and if they are living in... 00:13:32.87\00:13:37.81 If they are worthy to imitate, 00:13:37.85\00:13:39.98 then that somebody that is you can feel comfortable with. 00:13:40.02\00:13:43.69 We become like those 00:13:43.72\00:13:46.35 that we are the closest to, you know. 00:13:46.39\00:13:48.39 So this is a big decision. 00:13:48.42\00:13:49.76 I just encourage each of you 00:13:49.79\00:13:51.13 who are praying about Godly relationships 00:13:51.16\00:13:53.56 to continue praying but also prepare. 00:13:53.60\00:13:56.46 Let the Lord make you who He has called you to be. 00:13:56.50\00:13:59.70 And then He will bring you someone 00:13:59.73\00:14:01.44 that fits with that in His time. 00:14:01.47\00:14:03.41 Thank you for watching. We'll see you next time. 00:14:03.44\00:14:06.01