I don't understand.
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Why did this
have to happen to me?
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I feel like I just
can't make sense of things.
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I need answers.
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Where is God?
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Relationships,
relationships, relationships.
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I don't know if
it would be possible
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to do a program of questions
that young people ask most
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without covering that topic.
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Welcome to Raw
Questions Relevant Answers.
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And this is a program
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where we look at
the common questions
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that you as young
people have been sending in
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to be answered.
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My name is Michelle Doucoumes.
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I'm here with my co-hosts,
Dee Casper, and Mark Paden.
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We are the relationship experts.
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Okay, wait, we're actually not.
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But we are going to try to look
at your questions biblically
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and do our best with
the help of the Holy Spirit.
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So we're going to go to
our first question today.
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This question was sent in
from a 26-year-old female.
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Is there such a
thing as too many rules
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and overthinking a relationship?
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What you think? Yeah. I mean...
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I would say yes and no,
but I'll let Mark answer first
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I think there's...
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Okay, there's two sides to this.
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Where this question, I
think, is coming from is that
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there has been a
movement to add in more rules
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and thinking into relationships
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because on a
general note in society,
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you know, we don't have a lot,
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you know, hookup with
somebody for a weekend,
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and then, you know, it's just...
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In many ways,
dating now is very lucid.
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Conditional. Yes.
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It doesn't have the
commitment and the beauty
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and the principles
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that are characterized
in the Word of God.
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However, sometimes what I think
can end up happening is that
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those of us who
have grown up in it
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and who have had
a lot of emphasis
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placed on
relationship rules and dating
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can sometimes get into this mode
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where you start to
overthink everything.
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And so instead of
thinking in a normal way,
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you can easily overthink it.
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Honestly, I think the answer
of the question is yes and no,
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but the determining
factor is you, right?
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'Cause you can overthink it,
but you can also underthink it.
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The key, I believe,
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is to really see God in His Word
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and other spiritual counsel.
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God doesn't want us to
have analysis paralysis
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in this selection
of our future spouse.
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I mean, we believe that
there are biblical principles
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who we can work with
that kind of understand
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that the purpose of
relationships is marriage,
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not just to do it that
wilt and hope for the best.
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There should be
some intentionality here,
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but in order to kind of teach
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or to kind of
open that discourse,
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there have been some
who've laid out principles
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that are kind of going beyond...
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It's kind of what the
Pharisees and Sadducees did.
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They had, like, 37
laws for the Sabbath
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that you can't
find in the Bible.
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If you spit on the
ground, you're plowing the soil.
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If you untie your shoe
or do a finishing stroke...
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And the intentions were good.
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We definitely don't
want to break the Sabbath.
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Let's just
ensure that no one does.
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And this can, at
times, put us in situations
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where there's so much
fear of doing the wrong thing
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that we don't know
how to do anything.
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And so I can
resonate to some degree
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with that thought process of
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it seems like it's a
little too much to some degree,
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so how do we go
about this process of
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like meeting and going forward,
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but their question
was, "Is it possible?"
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Yes, it's possible,
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but it's also possible
for us to be so self-confident
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in our ability to
recognize the situation
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without receiving godly counsel,
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without talking to our parents,
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without talking to
their parents, right?
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Some of these godly
principles are in Scripture.
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Then when we do that,
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we end up in
situations that we regret later
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and wish that
someone would have told us.
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And those principles
were there to protect us
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from that situation.
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And you know... So
hang on. Mark, go ahead.
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On that too, we do
really have to think
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about the
solemnity of this decision.
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Yeah.
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I mean, you don't
really want to have
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divorce as an option.
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I mean, that messes up
a lot of people's lives.
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Think about your kids, right?
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And so going into this,
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you're really
making a decision for life.
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That's God's way.
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And when you think
of it in that context,
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I mean, when
you're looking to buy...
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Well, okay, in my case,
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I may be
looking to buy a camera.
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I'll have that camera
for three years, right?
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Maybe four. After
that, it doesn't matter.
00:04:35.57\00:04:38.31
I can get a better
one, but with the wife,
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that's a little bit
different, you know.
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And this is really huge.
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It's the idea that relationships
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are sacred, are special.
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I read once how whenever
we step into someone's life,
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it's like we're
stepping on sacred ground.
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And if you're working towards
more intimate relationship,
00:04:55.26\00:04:58.86
like a romantic relationship
and leading towards a marriage,
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think about the
sacredness of that.
00:05:02.46\00:05:04.33
But maybe it's often easy
to think about a lot of rules
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because it's hard for us
to understand the principles.
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But God is a God of principles
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that He likes to give us a
picture that we're following.
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For instance, the
intentionality is huge.
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I've had someone tell
me before how you know,
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"Hey, a relationship or
a courtship is successful
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as long as you
decide whether or not
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you and that
person should get married.
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Yes. Well, yes. Amen to that.
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But I disagree.
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Really? Yeah.
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To some degree, I do. Go ahead.
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I agree and disagree.
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I agree, but
yet, at the same time,
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how do we do the relationship.
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Are not all
relationships meant to teach us
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more about how to love people?
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How to treat people like Christ?
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They're all a
growing experience.
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And if we're not doing a
relationship in that way,
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we can have an
ungodly relationship
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even if it is solving the issue
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of whether we
get married or not.
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So how do we go into it?
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Do we go into it
with that respect,
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with that object of
treating the other person
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as Christ would treat them?
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Are we looking at how we
deal with people's hearts?
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We are holistic beings,
mental, emotional, physical.
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Many
relationships get out of whack
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in one of those areas,
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even if a physical is
way ahead of the other two
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or some imbalance that
can lead to hurting hearts.
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And so I would encourage...
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Yeah, there can
be too many rules,
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but in order to
not focus on rules,
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they do some research
about the principles God had
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for what relationship
means, what it's for.
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And that can really lead us
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to treat it in a
very special way.
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Yeah.
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In the context of my amen,
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this is one of
the biggest reasons
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why people are so
discouraged by all these rules
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and regulations they get
thrown in their direction is
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they feel the only reason
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they can even consider
starting a relationship
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to some degree is how they feel
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whether that's what's
actually being taught or not,
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how they feel is, "I
can't even date this person
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if I'm not going to marry them,"
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or you go through the
process of getting to know them.
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And the problem is
there's so much pressure on them
00:07:03.35\00:07:05.69
that when the
relationship falls apart,
00:07:05.72\00:07:07.16
they start questioning
everything they've ever known.
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"Do I even know
how to hear from God,
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is everything about this wrong?"
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And there is this yoke
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that comes from
a failure of sorts
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that they don't
know what to do with.
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And the point that one
of the lessons you learn
00:07:18.60\00:07:20.34
through this process was
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there wasn't a
fitness for a marriage.
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And it's better to
learn that now than later.
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But you went into this
one with intentionality to see
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if you were fit for marriage.
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I think there's both
sides to this principle,
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and I really like what
you brought out on your point,
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which I think is
super, super important.
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It isn't talked
about near as much.
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We have another question here.
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This is coming
from another female
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who is asking,
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"As a young single
female, I don't date,
00:07:45.63\00:07:48.76
but I want to be a wife
and helpmate to a godly man
00:07:48.80\00:07:53.07
who works for the
Lord in these last days.
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Is prayer my only
option in this case?
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I know it sounds awful to say
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because prayer is
always the best option,
00:08:01.34\00:08:03.81
but is there anything
else I can or should be doing?"
00:08:03.85\00:08:07.18
I'm sitting here on a
panel with two men, we have...
00:08:07.22\00:08:10.59
So I guess I'll interject,
00:08:10.62\00:08:12.19
and then you guys can
help out this question too.
00:08:12.22\00:08:15.39
As another young
single female, I hear you.
00:08:15.42\00:08:19.13
I understand how that
is that often we wonder,
00:08:19.16\00:08:23.20
"What do we do? How do we wait?"
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You know, some
principles that I have seen
00:08:25.73\00:08:27.84
is in Luke 16:10, Jesus says,
"He who is faithful in little,
00:08:27.87\00:08:32.04
be may ruler over much."
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If we are not given a
relationship or helpmate
00:08:35.88\00:08:38.95
or husband at this
time, maybe consider
00:08:38.98\00:08:41.58
what are we doing
with what God's given us?
00:08:41.62\00:08:43.72
Are we being
faithful with the task
00:08:43.75\00:08:45.75
with the
relationships that God has now?
00:08:45.79\00:08:48.46
Those are the
things that prepare us.
00:08:48.49\00:08:50.09
I've seen this in my life.
00:08:50.13\00:08:51.46
God puts friends,
God puts ministries,
00:08:51.49\00:08:54.23
God puts
opportunities in my life
00:08:54.26\00:08:56.26
that shape me and
shape my character.
00:08:56.30\00:08:58.60
As I look back,
00:08:58.63\00:09:00.07
those are things
that are going to effect
00:09:00.10\00:09:02.14
how I am with my future husband.
00:09:02.17\00:09:04.01
Yeah. Am I
making good use of that?
00:09:04.04\00:09:06.81
The other thing is
1 Corinthians 7:34,
00:09:06.84\00:09:11.05
Paul talks about how, you know,
00:09:11.08\00:09:12.98
married women look for
the things of their husband.
00:09:13.01\00:09:15.48
Single women get to focus
on the things of the Lord.
00:09:15.52\00:09:18.25
Paul even goes so far to say,
00:09:18.29\00:09:19.85
"Hey, maybe it's better
to be single in some cases."
00:09:19.89\00:09:23.69
But regardless of how
long you'll be single,
00:09:23.73\00:09:26.53
are we taking advantage of
the time that we're single.
00:09:26.56\00:09:29.36
It is a time when we
can focus on the Lord,
00:09:29.40\00:09:31.80
when we can do
growth in certain areas
00:09:31.83\00:09:33.87
that we may not be
able to focus on as much,
00:09:33.90\00:09:36.40
when we have a family,
00:09:36.44\00:09:37.77
when we have those
God given obligations.
00:09:37.81\00:09:40.54
And so maybe some
faithfulness in those things now
00:09:40.58\00:09:43.65
can be of help.
00:09:43.68\00:09:45.61
I would just briefly
say that it's a prime time
00:09:45.65\00:09:49.45
to search our own hearts
in the sea where we're broken,
00:09:49.48\00:09:52.89
any issues we may have
from residual upbringing,
00:09:52.92\00:09:55.09
whether it'd be
from our parents,
00:09:55.12\00:09:56.46
if you grew up in a
divorce home, like I did,
00:09:56.49\00:09:58.06
or something else,
00:09:58.09\00:09:59.43
any insecurities you
have, any tendencies,
00:09:59.46\00:10:01.50
or, you know, shortcomings
you see in your personality
00:10:01.53\00:10:04.97
that cause problems in
our personal relationships,
00:10:05.00\00:10:07.20
this is the best
time to search your heart
00:10:07.24\00:10:09.94
to find counseling, to
find healing to ensure that
00:10:09.97\00:10:12.44
whenever that time does
come for a relationship,
00:10:12.47\00:10:14.41
there's less
you're bringing into that
00:10:14.44\00:10:16.44
that you guys deal with later.
00:10:16.48\00:10:17.81
It's far better to
deal with those issues now
00:10:17.85\00:10:19.61
than in the midst of a situation
00:10:19.65\00:10:20.98
of merging two lives together.
00:10:21.02\00:10:22.98
You know, one other thing
too that I would say to that,
00:10:23.02\00:10:25.69
part of the question
is, "Is there anything
00:10:25.72\00:10:28.02
I can be doing in the meantime?"
00:10:28.06\00:10:30.79
It seems like with
the implication like,
00:10:30.83\00:10:32.79
"Am I just supposed
to wait and sit and pray
00:10:32.83\00:10:35.06
and like is this all I can do?"
00:10:35.10\00:10:37.30
I think one of
the beautiful things
00:10:37.33\00:10:38.77
about the gospel is
that there is a certain...
00:10:38.80\00:10:43.04
Well, we can't do
anything to atone for ourselves,
00:10:43.07\00:10:45.37
well, we can...
00:10:45.41\00:10:46.74
There's no such
thing as creature merit.
00:10:46.78\00:10:48.31
It doesn't do anything.
00:10:48.34\00:10:50.65
There is an aspect in
which in day-to-day life,
00:10:50.68\00:10:53.55
God does expect us to do things.
00:10:53.58\00:10:55.28
God doesn't ask us to
just sit here on the planet
00:10:55.32\00:10:58.39
and pray and ask Him to do
00:10:58.42\00:10:59.75
every single
little thing for us.
00:10:59.79\00:11:01.72
He says, "Get up, go out,
take the Gospel to the world."
00:11:01.76\00:11:06.59
We aren't the ones
who bring the increase,
00:11:06.63\00:11:09.73
but we plant the seed.
00:11:09.76\00:11:11.10
We water the seed, right?
00:11:11.13\00:11:12.47
And I think it goes
00:11:12.50\00:11:13.90
the same principle applies
in this situation, you know.
00:11:13.94\00:11:18.24
When you're waiting on
God on this and praying
00:11:18.27\00:11:20.21
and asking Him to bring
the right person to you.
00:11:20.24\00:11:24.95
You have something to do
00:11:24.98\00:11:26.65
and going out and
meeting people, right?
00:11:26.68\00:11:28.88
You can go and get
to know other people.
00:11:28.92\00:11:31.92
I mean, you're not...
00:11:31.95\00:11:33.76
God isn't going to
just magically bring
00:11:33.79\00:11:36.29
the perfect husband to you
00:11:36.32\00:11:38.06
just riding on a
pelican or something, right?
00:11:38.09\00:11:40.63
He could. He could.
00:11:40.66\00:11:42.76
You probably won't
know. Yeah, exactly.
00:11:42.80\00:11:44.93
You know, just go out
there, like get to know people,
00:11:44.97\00:11:48.74
invest in
relationships with people
00:11:48.77\00:11:52.54
that are like-minded,
00:11:52.57\00:11:54.28
talk with them,
get to know them.
00:11:54.31\00:11:55.74
And find out where
God is leading you in life
00:11:55.78\00:11:57.81
and pursue that with
every ounce of your being.
00:11:57.85\00:11:59.71
And if this person isn't
moving in the same direction
00:11:59.75\00:12:01.58
that God is leading you,
00:12:01.62\00:12:03.25
then it's
probably not going to work.
00:12:03.28\00:12:04.95
And this is why it
is important for us...
00:12:04.99\00:12:07.02
You know, Adam and Eve
both had time alone with God
00:12:07.06\00:12:09.09
before God brought them together
00:12:09.12\00:12:10.46
to know who they were
and where they were going.
00:12:10.49\00:12:12.39
And I think it's an
important and helpful principle
00:12:12.43\00:12:14.33
that who are you,
where are you going,
00:12:14.36\00:12:17.03
and if that's not in
harmony, that helps you to know
00:12:17.07\00:12:20.27
whether you're moving
the same direction or not.
00:12:20.30\00:12:22.30
So take advantage of that
time to find out who you are.
00:12:22.34\00:12:25.41
Right. How you go.
00:12:25.44\00:12:26.78
You know, I've
heard it like this.
00:12:26.81\00:12:28.18
Look at how much
is a person like me?
00:12:28.21\00:12:30.98
Is that compatible?
00:12:31.01\00:12:32.41
Do we match, but how
much is this person like God?
00:12:32.45\00:12:35.42
Yes. That's a bigger thing.
00:12:35.45\00:12:37.15
And where are we going?
00:12:37.19\00:12:38.92
There's council about
00:12:38.95\00:12:40.29
is this person going to
expand your sphere of influence,
00:12:40.32\00:12:43.63
your usefulness in this life?
00:12:43.66\00:12:46.19
And part of it,
like you all mentioned,
00:12:46.23\00:12:48.03
is maybe God's wanting us
00:12:48.06\00:12:50.10
to learn more about His
call for our lives first,
00:12:50.13\00:12:53.20
how do we know if we're going
00:12:53.23\00:12:54.57
in the same direction as someone
00:12:54.60\00:12:56.10
if we haven't asked
God about our direction?
00:12:56.14\00:12:57.74
Yeah.
00:12:57.77\00:12:59.11
I want to read
this really quick.
00:12:59.14\00:13:01.14
These are some words
of wisdom that I heard.
00:13:01.18\00:13:05.08
And this is
speaking to a young man
00:13:05.11\00:13:07.52
in regards to relationship
he's currently pursuing.
00:13:07.55\00:13:10.02
"If the
atmosphere surrounding her
00:13:10.05\00:13:11.85
is the most agreeable to you,
00:13:11.89\00:13:13.76
if she meets your
standard for a wife
00:13:13.79\00:13:15.62
to stand at the
head of your family,
00:13:15.66\00:13:18.13
if in your calm judgment
00:13:18.16\00:13:19.59
taken in the
light given you of God,
00:13:19.63\00:13:21.50
her example would
be worthy of imitation,
00:13:21.53\00:13:24.40
you may as well marry her."
00:13:24.43\00:13:26.27
So basically, if
they're really agreeable to you,
00:13:26.30\00:13:29.94
if they meet your
standards to be your wife,
00:13:29.97\00:13:32.84
and if they are living in...
00:13:32.87\00:13:37.81
If they are worthy to imitate,
00:13:37.85\00:13:39.98
then that somebody that is
you can feel comfortable with.
00:13:40.02\00:13:43.69
We become like those
00:13:43.72\00:13:46.35
that we are the
closest to, you know.
00:13:46.39\00:13:48.39
So this is a big decision.
00:13:48.42\00:13:49.76
I just encourage each of you
00:13:49.79\00:13:51.13
who are praying
about Godly relationships
00:13:51.16\00:13:53.56
to continue
praying but also prepare.
00:13:53.60\00:13:56.46
Let the Lord make you
who He has called you to be.
00:13:56.50\00:13:59.70
And then He will
bring you someone
00:13:59.73\00:14:01.44
that fits with that in His time.
00:14:01.47\00:14:03.41
Thank you for watching.
We'll see you next time.
00:14:03.44\00:14:06.01