Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host Dr. John Jacob
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Today I have with me
Bianca, Sean and Miles.
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Welcome! Thank you. Hello!
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Today, we will
focus on conflict.
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Even in a dating relationship
there often is conflict,
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and I sometimes wonder why
folks that are not obligated
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or committed in a
marital sense sometimes stay in
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relationships that are
laden with conflict for years
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and years and years when
they could walk away. Right
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We've learned, of course,
that oxytocin is responsible
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for bonding and
sometimes when you get too close
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to somebody that you
don't know that well,
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it's hard to walk away
even when you find out that this
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person is not the
ideal person for you.
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So I thought we'd talk a
little bit about conflict,
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how you could recognize
whether you're in a conflicted
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relationship and also whether
this person is going to be
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willing to work with you
to overcome it or maybe you
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should just walk
away from it. Okay
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So, have either of you
ever been in a conflicted
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relationship
conflicted situation?
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I have... You have?
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Do you feel like you stayed
too long in that situation
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or you feel like
you walked away quickly
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at the appropriate time?
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I feel like, after learning
about all of these hormones
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that play a role in,
you know, the engagement
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and romantic setting - I
feel like I definitely saw signs
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that would indicate that I
should leave that situation,
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but I ignored them because of,
again, you know, the dopamine
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and such, so. Yeah
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So when you ignored the
situation, is it because you
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thought that you could
work it out or you thought it
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would reverse
itself and go away?
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Things that I originally
deemed as problematic,
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they just didn't matter
anymore, so it's not that
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I thought that I could
work it out, it's just like...
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You don't really care as much?
Yeah, it's not that simple.
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It wasn't that
important. Yeah, it's not that
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important anymore.
Okay, and even that is
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caused by hormones. Yeah
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That's their job - their
purpose is to just reduce
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and minimalize the importance
of the differences that
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you have and we've
talked about the differences.
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We've talked about how
we all pay more attention to
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similarities when
we're choosing someone,
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and we never pay
attention to the differences,
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but it's the differences that
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actually destroy
the relationship.
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You know, it's not the
shortage of similarities,
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but it's the presence of
too many differences. Okay
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So those are the ones that we
want to really pay attention to.
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The one difference, I
think, should not be ignored,
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of course, is if you and the
person that you're interested in
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have a completely different
style of conflict resolution.
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Now you guys had
taken a test previously...
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Do you remember if you were a
high or low conflict resolution
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personality? High. I was high.
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You were high? You were high?
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What about you Sean? I
was high. You were high?
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Okay so being high - that means
that we're fortunate enough
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to have three single
people here who are willing to
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solve and resolve conflict
as soon as it happens. Right
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So neither of you want to
let it percolate and maybe just
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marinate and wait until
the next day or the next week.
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You know sometimes like if
you let it percolate or whatever
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the case is, for the
next day or the week after,
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you end up having an argument
with that person in your head
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for that time and you're
like really trying to fix this
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solution or talk about
the problem just in your head
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without even going to that
person, then when you actually
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do go to your significant
other, and resolve the conflict,
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sometimes it's not
even as serious as you
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probably had made it out to be.
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So that's why I try to
tend to maybe not rush into it
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immediately, maybe
give it an hour or give it a
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little bit of time just to kind
of emotionally things die down
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and then kind of resolve it
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in a conversation
instead of an argument.
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Good, sounds
like a good strategy.
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So if there is one
thing that I would like to
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leave with you guys
today is when conflict arises
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and you believe that
it's causing too much pain,
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that you should seriously
consider just walking away.
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The majority of
people don't, even singles,
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the majority of them don't.
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Yeah, walking away
from the relationship.
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Oh wow, I thought you
meant walking away from
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the actual conflict itself, but
from the entire relationship.
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Yeah, I don't mean - not
just like you have one conflict,
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you have one
argument, no, if it's a series,
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if it's a pattern and
you realize that this is not
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getting better -
no matter what we try,
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no matter what
strategies we employ,
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it seems like it
continues to escalate,
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and that's how
it goes, by the way.
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If you're not resolving it,
it feeds on itself and it gets
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larger - it gets, you know,
more serious and the reason
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for that is - remember we
said that conflict and trauma
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can actually change your brain.
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So I'm going to spend some
time today talking about that
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because I would like to convince
you guys to self-protect
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and cut it off if you feel
that the pain is beginning to be
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unbearable.
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When you begin to feel that way,
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your brain is
feeling the same way. Okay
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But, unfortunately, if
your brain feels that way,
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it means that when you leave
the relationship with that same
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brain you have a brain
now that is like, you know,
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"Sean, I don't want
to see another young lady
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anytime soon," and that's
what you don't want. Right
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Now you're damaged goods.
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Exactly, you're
damaged possibly for a while.
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So, like child abuse,
the research is showing
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or a physical attack or
violence and bloodshed even,
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the research is showing
that relationship trauma
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whether it's your own or
trauma that you had to witness
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with your parents - it
has an effect on the brain,
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and this is the result...
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It causes you to
be afraid to get close
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to people if it's severe enough.
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It also makes you afraid to
trust or to be vulnerable again.
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It makes you afraid to
form new relationships.
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It makes you afraid to
express relationship needs
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if you do manage to jump over
that threshold and try again.
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And also, it's difficult to get
over because the brain structure
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and the functionality of
the various parts of the brain
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changes.
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So, in other words,
trauma like that can actually
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mess with your personality.
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Yeah, pretty much,
your dating personality
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and what we found from
our research, you know,
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we divided personalities
into various components,
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so we had adaptability,
communication, intimacy,
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and interactivity or how
you interact with others.
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So we found the only area
that doesn't seem to be affected
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by trauma as much is
the communication area.
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If you were a high
communicator before,
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you continue to be
a high communicator,
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if you were low, you
would continue to be low.
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But the style is
different I guess.
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Yeah the style
might be a bit different,
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but not too much. Okay
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What takes a big
hit though is intimacy.
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You do not want to get close
to somebody again anytime soon.
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You also do not want to
be flexible and adaptable
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when the next person
comes along because of how the
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previous person
treated you. Right. Okay.
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We thought that it
was just your feeling,
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and, you know, how you
felt about it and that's why
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you're making
changes, but it's not you,
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it's really your
brain that is directing now
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because you have
allowed someone to rewire
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to restructure it.
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Better take hold of that
brain and say, "No!" Exactly!
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Which is easier said than done.
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Some people go so far
as to have flashbacks,
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just like people
coming back from, let's say,
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war in the Middle
East, have post-traumatic
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stress disorder and
they have flashbacks.
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Some people
actually have flashbacks,
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so they avoid situations like
new relationships or dating.
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And, there are three
areas of the brain that are
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particularly affected
when you've been traumatized.
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So what we'll do
now, we'll take a look
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at those three areas.
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I'd like you to see what
they look like. All right.
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So I'd like you to
take a look at your brain,
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but we're just going to
pay attention to three areas.
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Do you see the prefrontal cortex
right there in the front? Yes
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Okay, I also want you to look
at the amygdala, right there,
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the amygdala...
The little red? Yeah
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And also look
at the hippocampus,
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the blue area. Okay
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Okay so those three
areas, those three regions,
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they collectively impact
the stress response mechanism
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in your brain and it can cause
singles who are now getting
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out of a traumatic relationship
to have a really difficult time,
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and also couples getting
out of a traumatic marriage.
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So if you speak to
someone who has had a really
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horrible divorce and
sometimes the divorce itself
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causes more problems than
the actual marriage because the
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divorce leaves a lasting,
sort of a damaging memory
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and so it would be nice to
have what some people call a
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"good divorce" if you
can, that would be nice,
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but unfortunately
divorce is very, very damaging.
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So, of course, our
recommendation is always to
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do everything that you
can to not find yourself in a
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divorce court because
it's traumatizing to you,
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it's traumatizing to the
kids, it's damaging to everyone.
00:10:02.83\00:10:05.87
And God said,
"That's not My design."
00:10:05.90\00:10:09.04
Exactly, which is why
God said, "Divorce is not His
00:10:09.07\00:10:11.41
plan at all," it's not His will.
00:10:11.44\00:10:12.81
He wishes that you could
forgive each other and get past
00:10:12.84\00:10:15.44
whatever is
causing that problem.
00:10:15.48\00:10:17.15
So let's look again,
look at the hippocampus.
00:10:17.18\00:10:21.68
So the hippocampus
receives the biggest change
00:10:21.72\00:10:26.49
when there is trauma,
it actually has been found
00:10:26.52\00:10:29.19
to shrink, so
they've measured it.
00:10:29.22\00:10:32.19
They've measured the hippocampus
of someone before trauma
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and measured it
after and it shrunk.
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That is not a good thing.
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You don't want that
whole break region to shrink.
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What happens when that happens?
00:10:42.20\00:10:45.77
Well, the
hippocampus is responsible for
00:10:45.81\00:10:48.64
memory functions. Okay
00:10:48.68\00:10:51.25
It is also responsible
for helping you to distinguish
00:10:51.28\00:10:55.22
between the past and
the present which is why
00:10:55.25\00:10:59.15
it's so implicated in
soldiers who come back from war.
00:10:59.19\00:11:04.13
They sort of live in
the past and present.
00:11:04.16\00:11:06.26
Exactly, they also
have shrunken hippocampus's.
00:11:06.29\00:11:09.60
And they have what we call
"post-traumatic stress disorder"
00:11:10.07\00:11:13.74
and they have flashbacks and
things trigger those flashbacks.
00:11:13.77\00:11:18.51
Well we're finding now
that in a relationship,
00:11:18.54\00:11:20.64
if you traumatize enough, the
exact same thing happens to you.
00:11:20.68\00:11:23.11
Does it re-size?
Does it grow back?
00:11:23.95\00:11:26.48
Yeah, is there a
way to change that?
00:11:26.51\00:11:28.22
Not easily, but
we'll talk about that.
00:11:29.92\00:11:33.89
You also lose the ability
to distinguish or to interpret
00:11:33.92\00:11:38.43
your environment correctly.
00:11:38.46\00:11:40.86
So someone may come up
to you to say, "Hey Sean,
00:11:40.90\00:11:44.03
hi, are you the guy
that I went to school with at
00:11:44.07\00:11:48.17
the University of, you
know, wherever," and you
00:11:48.20\00:11:52.21
put your guard up immediately
because it's a young lady and
00:11:52.24\00:11:55.41
somehow your brain
recognizes that she has some
00:11:55.44\00:11:58.51
features that resemble a
young lady that you had a
00:11:58.55\00:12:02.85
really
traumatic experience with.
00:12:02.88\00:12:05.42
Right? And your brain
goes into overdrive and you
00:12:05.45\00:12:08.46
treat her very, very,
very coldly and you don't
00:12:08.49\00:12:11.23
know why you did that,
but that's the reason why.
00:12:11.26\00:12:14.10
So anything that is
traumatic from your past,
00:12:14.13\00:12:18.63
it's able to bring it
up and distort it for you.
00:12:18.67\00:12:22.14
The ventral medial prefrontal
cortex, that part in the front
00:12:22.17\00:12:25.64
there, and the amygdala,
they are both responsible
00:12:25.67\00:12:29.24
for fear response,
so you also could suffer
00:12:29.28\00:12:31.05
from fear and anxiety even
when faced with stimuli that
00:12:31.08\00:12:34.22
are not remotely connected
to your last experience.
00:12:34.25\00:12:37.19
So sometimes, you don't
even know what the trigger was,
00:12:37.22\00:12:39.52
you just know that
you're acting kind of strangely.
00:12:39.55\00:12:41.92
That's tough. It's
very tough, very rough.
00:12:41.96\00:12:44.36
And if you are
predisposed to mental illness,
00:12:44.39\00:12:48.63
it can actually trigger
mood disorders, psychoses,
00:12:48.66\00:12:53.54
and a bunch of other
things that you might not ever
00:12:53.57\00:12:55.80
have suffered from
if you didn't have this
00:12:55.84\00:12:58.07
horrible traumatic trigger.
00:12:58.11\00:13:00.08
And lastly, of course,
you asked is this reversible?
00:13:00.11\00:13:05.91
Okay, it is reversible,
but it's reversible with a lot
00:13:05.95\00:13:10.49
of time which is why you
see soldiers having to go
00:13:10.52\00:13:13.82
through a lot of
therapy and spend a lot of time
00:13:13.86\00:13:17.46
and you see a lot of
things happening along the way
00:13:17.49\00:13:19.56
because they have flashbacks.
00:13:19.59\00:13:22.53
And then sometimes they
would go back to their situation
00:13:22.56\00:13:25.87
and sometimes they would
improve and then they would
00:13:25.90\00:13:27.84
regress, you know,
that kind of thing.
00:13:27.87\00:13:29.30
So it's not an easy
road, it takes time,
00:13:29.34\00:13:31.94
it takes a lot of therapy and
sometimes, in very severe cases
00:13:31.97\00:13:35.54
medication.
00:13:35.58\00:13:37.45
So I would advise you guys,
if you see anyone in your life
00:13:37.48\00:13:41.95
coming with a posture
where you think that they're
00:13:41.98\00:13:45.09
going to be the type of
argumentative, explosive
00:13:45.12\00:13:48.89
person that's probably
going to leave you traumatized,
00:13:48.92\00:13:50.89
you want to leave that alone.
00:13:50.93\00:13:52.26
You two are X-types, X-
types remember that you,
00:13:52.29\00:13:57.50
very often, allow people
to leave the relationship
00:13:57.53\00:14:00.44
with you without giving
you any closure and sometimes
00:14:00.47\00:14:04.11
that could be traumatizing,
so you want to be careful,
00:14:04.14\00:14:06.21
you want to be, you know,
just keep your head on and be
00:14:06.24\00:14:08.88
intuitive and try
and read the relationship
00:14:08.91\00:14:11.41
and where it's going
because you don't want someone
00:14:11.45\00:14:14.05
to put on a
disappearing act on you and that
00:14:14.08\00:14:16.32
traumatizes you.
00:14:16.35\00:14:17.69
My Y friend, I am so
happy that you are our
00:14:17.72\00:14:20.89
only Y female here
and I feel I never need
00:14:20.92\00:14:24.59
to tell you anything
because all these warnings that
00:14:24.63\00:14:26.83
I'm giving to these
guys... you won't have
00:14:26.86\00:14:29.20
to worry about it. All right.
00:14:29.23\00:14:31.07
All right? That's comfort to me.
00:14:31.10\00:14:32.67
So guys, stay away
from conflict, avoid trauma,
00:14:32.70\00:14:35.70
and I think
you'll be on better path.
00:14:35.74\00:14:38.31
All right, thank you.
Thank you for the information.
00:14:38.34\00:14:40.31
All right, thank you for coming.
00:14:40.34\00:14:42.88
Hello and welcome
back to "Road to Romance"
00:14:48.35\00:14:51.15
We have with us
again Vania and Jeremiah.
00:14:51.45\00:14:55.02
Welcome! Thank you
00:14:55.06\00:14:56.89
Today, I thought we could
talk about conflict resolution.
00:14:56.93\00:14:59.59
Most scientists believe
that conflict resolution is the
00:14:59.63\00:15:03.20
one thing that submerges,
destroys, damages marriages,
00:15:03.23\00:15:11.17
so if we find a way to handle
conflict resolution to resolve
00:15:11.21\00:15:16.08
issues amicably,
then we can survive.
00:15:16.11\00:15:21.55
So, remember we talked
about four areas in XY Theory,
00:15:21.58\00:15:26.62
and one of them
was interactivity?
00:15:26.65\00:15:28.72
Okay, interactivity
has a lot of parts to it,
00:15:28.76\00:15:31.63
but the most important part
is conflict resolution. Exactly
00:15:31.66\00:15:35.23
Now if you guys
were happy together,
00:15:35.26\00:15:38.40
everything was going
fine, you do understand that at
00:15:38.43\00:15:40.97
some point you will
have a conflict that needs
00:15:41.00\00:15:43.97
to be resolved, so not knowing
how to resolve that problem
00:15:44.01\00:15:47.21
could really change the
course of the relationship
00:15:47.24\00:15:50.75
and the course of the marriage.
00:15:50.78\00:15:52.31
Now what we found is
there are three reasons
00:15:52.35\00:15:54.75
why people would usually
cite as why they are unable to
00:15:54.78\00:15:59.65
resolve conflict
sooner rather than later.
00:15:59.69\00:16:03.09
So the first
reason is this, "anger."
00:16:03.12\00:16:04.93
When you talk to
folks, they would say,
00:16:04.96\00:16:07.03
"Hey, I was too angry to deal
with this right away, you know,
00:16:07.06\00:16:09.86
I needed to cool off, I
needed a cooling off period."
00:16:09.90\00:16:12.90
Unfortunately, some people
take a long time to cool off.
00:16:12.93\00:16:16.71
Some people could be
cooling off for a week
00:16:16.74\00:16:19.01
or two weeks and
that's not really healthy.
00:16:19.04\00:16:21.24
Something else folks say,
"You know, I felt a lot of
00:16:21.31\00:16:24.08
anxiety when we were having this
conflict and I just felt like I
00:16:24.11\00:16:30.19
needed to get away, I
needed to withdraw and just
00:16:30.22\00:16:32.82
get out of the situation."
00:16:32.85\00:16:34.29
And then others have
said, "You know, I needed
00:16:34.32\00:16:37.93
time to process."
00:16:37.96\00:16:39.79
Now, as soon as you
hear "time to process,"
00:16:39.83\00:16:42.70
should be thinking about
Y- type personalities, right?
00:16:42.73\00:16:45.77
Okay, X-types do not
need time to process...
00:16:45.80\00:16:48.87
In fact, they need time
to think about stopping,
00:16:48.90\00:16:53.27
you know, I'm saying what
they are about to say because
00:16:53.31\00:16:55.54
this is what they do... it
goes straight from the brain
00:16:55.58\00:16:57.95
to the mouth - that's
how it works for X-types,
00:16:57.98\00:17:00.18
and sometimes that's not healthy
because you say something
00:17:00.22\00:17:02.52
that you didn't really
mean to say at the time,
00:17:02.55\00:17:05.19
so we have two extremes
here... some going too fast,
00:17:05.22\00:17:09.19
some going too slow.
00:17:09.22\00:17:11.09
Okay, when we have couples
where one partner has one
00:17:11.13\00:17:15.60
style and the other
partner has another style,
00:17:15.63\00:17:18.60
they begin to have
some serious conflict.
00:17:18.63\00:17:22.24
Why? It's not getting
resolved, it's piling up.
00:17:22.27\00:17:25.51
It's almost like shoveling
something under the carpet
00:17:25.54\00:17:28.28
instead of
sweeping it out of the house
00:17:28.31\00:17:30.61
and you don't want to do
that because it piles up.
00:17:30.65\00:17:33.72
What about you guys?
00:17:33.78\00:17:35.65
How do you resolve conflict?
00:17:35.68\00:17:37.45
Do you have
techniques that you use?
00:17:37.49\00:17:39.15
Yes we do, we do - I do believe
you're right on with that.
00:17:39.19\00:17:43.43
Once you have
conflict, because it's going to
00:17:43.46\00:17:45.79
arrive at some point
and have to figure out
00:17:45.83\00:17:48.06
a way to resolve
it as best as you can,
00:17:48.10\00:17:50.47
so it doesn't become the
undoing of the marriage because
00:17:50.50\00:17:54.30
one well know researcher
had mentioned that most couples
00:17:54.34\00:17:58.11
are going to have
conflict, that's inevitable,
00:17:58.14\00:18:00.41
but it's how you resolve
the conflict that's going to
00:18:00.44\00:18:03.31
determine if you guys
are able to have a successful
00:18:03.35\00:18:06.21
marriage or not and that
same researcher obviously
00:18:06.25\00:18:09.52
came up with his own things
that he wanted people to know
00:18:09.55\00:18:13.02
as far as how to avoid
conflicts and things like that.
00:18:13.05\00:18:17.16
We have our own tips that
we've been able to compile
00:18:17.19\00:18:20.96
that we feel like
has been able to help us,
00:18:21.00\00:18:23.10
and one of the things
that we like to do is...
00:18:23.13\00:18:26.20
We like to speak from
our own vantage point,
00:18:26.23\00:18:28.14
like we use "I statements."
00:18:28.17\00:18:29.50
Instead of talking about...
"You don't do this or you don't'
00:18:29.54\00:18:33.61
do this, you don't do
that," usually what I'll say is,
00:18:33.64\00:18:37.05
"When this happens,
this is how it makes me feel,
00:18:37.08\00:18:41.32
so I want her to know how it
makes me feel and vice versa.
00:18:41.35\00:18:44.92
Another tool that we like to
employ is "active listening."
00:18:44.95\00:18:48.59
And so that's where
that interactivity piece
00:18:48.62\00:18:51.43
comes into play like...
We like to resolve conflicts
00:18:51.46\00:18:54.83
right away - we don't like to
just let things go on too long
00:18:54.86\00:18:58.07
because we feel like once
that happens, then it becomes
00:18:58.13\00:19:01.24
something that might
cause us to not be able to deal
00:19:01.30\00:19:03.84
with each other
in the proper way,
00:19:03.87\00:19:05.21
so we like to be able to
do that and in a previous
00:19:05.24\00:19:08.14
segment, I think you might have
mentioned that earlier as well,
00:19:08.18\00:19:11.08
is you don't want to
always feel like you're right
00:19:11.11\00:19:14.15
and the person is not, you know,
their opinion doesn't matter,
00:19:14.18\00:19:17.85
so as a solution focused
therapist, one of the things
00:19:17.89\00:19:20.92
that we like to do in therapy is
we like to take what you call a
00:19:20.96\00:19:23.89
one-down position where
you try to create equality
00:19:23.93\00:19:27.63
in the situation where
you remove yourself as a
00:19:27.66\00:19:31.93
know-it-all as a
connoisseur or as an expert,
00:19:31.97\00:19:34.14
and you elevate the other
person to where what they say
00:19:34.17\00:19:37.64
has value, has meaning.
00:19:37.67\00:19:39.34
So that's something
we do, so having done
00:19:39.37\00:19:41.31
all of those things, we
then start to move forward
00:19:41.34\00:19:44.01
to goal-setting, but
instead of just setting
00:19:44.05\00:19:48.35
goals, we like to also
create an action plan to go with
00:19:48.38\00:19:52.65
setting those goals - so
that way we could try to find
00:19:52.69\00:19:55.86
that win - win
because at the end of the day,
00:19:55.89\00:19:57.46
we want to find that win -
win to where she feels like
00:19:57.49\00:20:00.10
she's getting her needs
met and I feel like I'm getting
00:20:00.13\00:20:02.13
my needs met.
00:20:02.16\00:20:03.50
And the last piece to
what we like to do is...
00:20:03.53\00:20:06.27
We like to find that
person's inner wealth.
00:20:06.30\00:20:09.34
We like to find, you
know, what are the things that
00:20:09.37\00:20:10.97
makes them feel
good, like - a lot of times
00:20:11.01\00:20:13.68
we tell someone
what we need from them,
00:20:13.71\00:20:16.41
but once we've seen them
doing those things that we've
00:20:16.44\00:20:19.08
asked them for - we don't always
follow through with letting them
00:20:19.11\00:20:21.85
know, "Hey, I've
noticed that you've done this,
00:20:21.88\00:20:24.69
this is what we've
been talking about...
00:20:24.72\00:20:26.25
Wow, I really appreciate that!"
00:20:26.29\00:20:27.99
So I make it a point to a
point where I go overboard
00:20:28.02\00:20:32.39
with it where I say, "Wow,
you're really doing this well,
00:20:32.43\00:20:35.00
so I appreciate that - thank
you for making that effort."
00:20:35.03\00:20:37.50
So it may seem like sometimes,
it's out of left field,
00:20:37.53\00:20:41.20
but I feel like it's important,
like you mentioned previously
00:20:41.24\00:20:43.77
as well, you have to
offer a lot of compliments
00:20:43.81\00:20:45.87
to offset the negative behavior.
00:20:45.91\00:20:47.64
So those are some of the
things that we've been able to
00:20:47.71\00:20:49.68
do to really, you know,
counter the conflicts that
00:20:49.71\00:20:52.85
are inevitable in
relationships. Yeah
00:20:52.88\00:20:55.02
And how has it
been working for you?
00:20:55.05\00:20:56.72
Yeah, it has been working fine.
00:20:56.75\00:20:58.09
I mean, we're both very
honest about what we need,
00:20:58.12\00:21:02.26
what exactly we need and we
talk about that all the time.
00:21:02.29\00:21:08.46
And, one other thing that
I wanted to say is like...
00:21:08.50\00:21:12.13
for example, when
you have a conflict,
00:21:12.17\00:21:15.64
you don't have to feel
pressured that you need to
00:21:15.67\00:21:19.17
resolve everything
before you go to bed.
00:21:19.21\00:21:23.04
For example, like
maybe stay up until 3 o'clock
00:21:23.08\00:21:26.85
in the morning. Right, right.
00:21:26.88\00:21:28.35
You can say, "Okay, we
can talk about this tomorrow,
00:21:28.38\00:21:32.55
but then at least you
are at a place of peace...
00:21:32.59\00:21:36.83
It's like you become
loving towards each other again,
00:21:36.86\00:21:40.53
and say, "Okay,
tomorrow we have more time,
00:21:40.56\00:21:43.26
so we're going to really
dig in to it, but right now
00:21:43.30\00:21:46.47
we are okay."
00:21:46.50\00:21:48.00
I think that's very important
to us, just the state of
00:21:48.04\00:21:51.84
being okay again and then when
we are fresh in the morning,
00:21:51.87\00:21:57.01
you know, we
can go more into it.
00:21:57.05\00:22:00.58
So I think that's also an
important thing because if
00:22:00.62\00:22:03.79
you want to resolve everything,
like I do want to feel
00:22:03.82\00:22:06.35
at peace right
away, yes! Right, right.
00:22:06.39\00:22:08.42
But if we don't have
time to talk about it,
00:22:08.46\00:22:10.33
then we can do
it in the morning.
00:22:10.36\00:22:12.96
And there are ways to
get your anger to subside
00:22:12.99\00:22:15.20
without having the whole
conflict resolved, you know?
00:22:15.23\00:22:19.43
And you're right about that,
a lot of folks think that they
00:22:19.47\00:22:21.90
need to keep talking
until the problem is resolved,
00:22:21.94\00:22:25.57
and that could take a long time.
00:22:25.61\00:22:27.64
You know, we've said
previously that 70% of problems
00:22:27.68\00:22:31.75
cannot be resolved,
so if you're trying to
00:22:31.78\00:22:33.88
resolve a problem
that cannot be resolved,
00:22:33.92\00:22:35.62
you could be talking for
several days and not coming
00:22:35.65\00:22:38.52
to any resolution -
just building resentment.
00:22:38.55\00:22:42.16
The studies are showing
also that we should try not to
00:22:42.19\00:22:46.26
go beyond about 20
minutes when we're having a
00:22:46.29\00:22:49.23
discussion that is a little
heated, not more than about
00:22:49.26\00:22:52.23
20 minutes... Why?
Because the anxiety that is
00:22:52.27\00:22:54.64
built in the body takes
about 20 minutes to subside.
00:22:54.67\00:22:59.07
So what they've said
is... not more than 20 minutes,
00:22:59.11\00:23:02.11
half an hour at most if
you're not feeling too charged
00:23:02.14\00:23:05.68
or too angry, half an hour
at most, but then at that point,
00:23:05.71\00:23:08.85
you need to adjourn and
just say, "Hey, you know what,
00:23:08.88\00:23:10.75
we're not going to
solve this one today,
00:23:10.79\00:23:12.62
we're going to have
to revisit this tomorrow.
00:23:12.65\00:23:15.86
You also made a good
point about conflict...
00:23:15.89\00:23:18.09
We used to think that
the marriages that had little
00:23:18.13\00:23:22.40
or no conflict were the
good marriages that would last,
00:23:22.43\00:23:25.57
until that very researcher
found that he saw that some
00:23:25.60\00:23:30.27
couples that had
a lot of conflict,
00:23:30.31\00:23:32.94
their marriages lasted
forever and some couples that
00:23:32.97\00:23:36.64
had no conflict were
filing for divorce...
00:23:36.68\00:23:39.61
and they couldn't understand
why, but then when they
00:23:39.65\00:23:42.05
did a little bit of
research what they found was...
00:23:42.08\00:23:44.39
It wasn't the amount of
conflict, but was whether
00:23:44.42\00:23:47.66
or not the couples were using
the same style, the same method
00:23:47.69\00:23:51.03
of resolving it.
00:23:51.06\00:23:53.13
So couples who could
talk about something for
00:23:53.16\00:23:55.50
one minute and then
just be done and walk away
00:23:55.53\00:23:58.47
which doesn't sound
like much resolution at all,
00:23:58.50\00:24:01.04
they're doing fine - if
they both agree that that's
00:24:01.07\00:24:03.91
how it's going
to be. Right... Okay
00:24:03.94\00:24:05.77
And couples who say, "Okay,
we're going to talk about this
00:24:05.81\00:24:08.38
until it's resolved,
not put it under the carpet,
00:24:08.41\00:24:12.81
not put it aside...
well, they'll do just fine too
00:24:12.85\00:24:15.48
if they both agree that
they want to talk about it.
00:24:15.52\00:24:18.42
So that's what they found
and, you know, you just have to
00:24:18.45\00:24:20.76
be on the same page
one way or the other.
00:24:20.79\00:24:24.43
Well let's take a
look at the graphic.
00:24:24.46\00:24:27.60
We're going to take a
look at the feedback loop,
00:24:27.63\00:24:30.57
and basically what we were
talking about is the anxiety
00:24:30.60\00:24:33.74
that it has caused and
it's called a "feedback loop"
00:24:33.77\00:24:37.44
simply because if you
have one person that wants to
00:24:37.47\00:24:41.08
resolve the conflict and
the other person that does not,
00:24:41.11\00:24:43.78
well, so the one person
that wants to resolve it,
00:24:43.81\00:24:46.35
that person is called
"a pursuer" because that
00:24:46.38\00:24:48.68
person usually goes after
the other person that doesn't
00:24:48.72\00:24:52.62
want to resolve
it right away. Right
00:24:52.65\00:24:54.59
Now the person that is
going after, the pursuer,
00:24:54.62\00:24:58.33
feels a bit of anxiety
until that conflict is resolved.
00:24:58.36\00:25:03.33
The distancer, the one that is
withdrawing, also feels anxiety
00:25:03.37\00:25:07.17
simply because the
conflict, the topic is causing
00:25:07.20\00:25:11.07
that cortisol to rise
in his body or her body
00:25:11.11\00:25:14.44
and that person feels like,
"I need to get away because
00:25:14.48\00:25:17.05
I'm getting more
and more anxious." Right
00:25:17.08\00:25:19.08
So what happens?
00:25:19.11\00:25:20.45
The pursuer keeps
pursuing, the person that is
00:25:20.48\00:25:23.08
withdrawing keeps running away
and backtracking and you have
00:25:23.12\00:25:27.72
what they call a "virtual loop,"
it keeps going on and on and on
00:25:27.76\00:25:32.13
and escalating because
eventually the distancer,
00:25:32.16\00:25:34.30
the person who is
trying to get away,
00:25:34.33\00:25:35.66
if you corner them, they
will explode. Eventually.
00:25:35.70\00:25:38.60
So that person feels overwhelmed
because that person is being
00:25:38.63\00:25:42.70
pursued? Yes
00:25:42.74\00:25:44.44
That person maybe doesn't
necessarily have the need to
00:25:44.47\00:25:49.11
resolve the problem
or maybe doesn't even
00:25:49.14\00:25:51.28
see it as a problem. Precisely.
00:25:51.31\00:25:53.15
So they either don't see
it as a problem or they don't
00:25:53.18\00:25:56.28
believe in resolving it
right away and that's okay
00:25:56.32\00:25:58.65
because we found that
this is part of a personality
00:25:58.69\00:26:00.96
style as well.
00:26:00.99\00:26:02.32
Your personality
dictates whether or not
00:26:02.36\00:26:04.03
you want something to
be resolved the same hour,
00:26:04.06\00:26:06.76
the same day - some
folks we've worked with
00:26:06.80\00:26:09.60
wanted it to be resolved in
5 minutes and others in a week.
00:26:09.63\00:26:15.77
So when you have that disparity,
00:26:15.80\00:26:17.34
a couple need to come together
and come to an agreement,
00:26:17.37\00:26:21.11
somewhere in the
middle; so one person will say,
00:26:21.14\00:26:22.78
"Listen, I can't do this in
5 minutes, I have to process,
00:26:22.81\00:26:24.95
I have to think
about this, so how about we
00:26:24.98\00:26:28.62
settle for before sunset
- before the sun goes down?"
00:26:28.65\00:26:33.09
And the other person will
say, "Well, I would have liked
00:26:33.12\00:26:36.99
a week, but I'll meet you
halfway and let's just try
00:26:37.03\00:26:41.03
and resolve this
before the sun goes down."
00:26:41.06\00:26:42.56
So you meet in the
middle because if you don't
00:26:42.60\00:26:45.17
nothing is going to get
resolved and that build up
00:26:45.20\00:26:47.50
will cause resentment
and jeopardize the marriage.
00:26:47.54\00:26:50.41
Now there are quite a few
scriptures that talk about this
00:26:50.44\00:26:53.54
and I wanted to
point out a few of them and
00:26:53.58\00:26:56.58
get your feedback.
00:26:56.61\00:26:58.71
One very favorite
scripture of mine says,
00:26:58.75\00:27:01.98
well we've eluded to
it, "Let not the sun go down
00:27:02.02\00:27:04.35
on your wrath," and I
believe you really pointed
00:27:04.39\00:27:07.22
out correctly that
there's a difference between
00:27:07.26\00:27:09.99
wrath and resolution. Yes
00:27:10.03\00:27:13.03
A lot of people feel that
the thing has to be resolved
00:27:13.06\00:27:14.90
before the sun goes
down, but that's not what the
00:27:14.93\00:27:16.56
Bible says - the Bible
says, "it must not go down
00:27:16.60\00:27:21.17
on your anger," so
you resolve the anger,
00:27:21.20\00:27:24.57
and then you don't
have a problem. Correct.
00:27:24.61\00:27:27.11
So one other thing I wanted
to point out, Proverbs 15:1,
00:27:27.14\00:27:30.11
it says, "A soft
answer turns away wrath."
00:27:30.15\00:27:32.98
"Turns away
wrath." "A soft answer."
00:27:33.01\00:27:36.18
You have mentioned before that
you think a tone, a rough tone
00:27:36.22\00:27:40.69
is going to make things
worse when you're in conflict,
00:27:40.72\00:27:42.52
and that's absolutely true.
00:27:42.56\00:27:44.16
the tone makes all the
difference in the world.
00:27:44.19\00:27:46.80
The approach should
be loving. Loving right?
00:27:46.83\00:27:49.46
Conciliatory is another word
that they use where you kind of
00:27:49.50\00:27:52.57
back down so that the other
person doesn't feel attacked.
00:27:52.60\00:27:56.91
Now it sounds like you guys
have all the tools you need,
00:27:56.94\00:27:59.34
and I want to wish you
all the best and thank you
00:27:59.37\00:28:01.38
for coming - see you next
time. Thank you. Thank you!
00:28:01.41\00:28:04.11