Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Sean Brereton, Miles Rashad, Bianca Acosta, Jeremiah Dieujuste, Vania Dieujuste
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000025A
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00:23 Hello and welcome to "Road to Romance"
00:26 I'm your host Dr. John Jacob. 00:28 Today, we have with us Bianca, Sean and Miles. 00:32 Welcome! Hi! Hello! 00:33 So today, we are going to cover 00:35 control and controlling behavior. 00:38 I'm going to try to see if I could help you guys 00:40 to identify when you are getting ready to get 00:43 into a relationship with someone who might be a 00:46 controller. All right. Okay! 00:48 So people control out of fear mostly. 00:51 They want to be in control of the environment. 00:53 They want to be control of the outcome and they're afraid 00:57 that if they leave everything up to you, 00:59 you're probably going to mess things up. 01:02 So a wife who is a controller in that case 01:05 would perhaps want to choose your jacket. 01:09 You look pretty sharp today, but if you had a 01:12 controlling partner, she might not think that 01:14 that jacket matched that shirt. 01:16 Oh, that's... okay, that's like an example of someone who... 01:20 It's an example of someone who, yes... 01:22 and so she would ask you to change your jacket. Okay 01:25 What is she's just watching out for you? 01:27 What if she's just watching out for you? 01:29 How do you tell the difference between someone who is 01:31 just looking out for your best interest, 01:34 and someone who is a controller? 01:35 We have a few ways. 01:37 So let me just define what controlling is first, 01:39 and then we'll take a look at that. 01:41 So control is the power to directly influence 01:44 another person's actions, behavior or choices, 01:47 but a lot of us do that without controlling. 01:51 But here's the difference... 01:52 If exercising this power is unwelcomed or unwanted, 01:58 sometimes unrequested, then there's a chance that 02:02 you are a controller. 02:04 So even in an example where someone wants to be 02:08 controlled, that person controlling them is not 02:12 a typical controlling situation? 02:14 It's interesting that you ask that because 02:16 that was my next question, that's my next question. 02:19 I have three questions for you guys and this question 02:21 that you just asked is very, very close to it. 02:24 Here it is... Are you a controller if the 02:27 person being controlled wants to be controlled 02:31 or likes to be controlled? 02:32 I think so because it's called "mind control." 02:34 But are you controlling - the person wants it? I think so. 02:38 So based on our previous definition... Manipulation. 02:41 So what is our previous definition of control, remember? 02:43 That they don't want it. Yeah. If it's unwanted. 02:46 It is not controlling them. Yeah 02:47 If it's unwanted, but if the person wants it... 02:49 And let me qualify some terms... 02:52 Sometimes we mistake control for the need for structure 02:57 or the need for leadership. 02:59 So very often guys get with a lady and find out that 03:05 she wants them to make the decisions. 03:08 You know, she does not want you to ask her repeatedly, 03:11 "Well which restaurant are we going to go to tonight, honey?" 03:13 "Which restaurant," you know, over and over and over. 03:15 She wants you and she will say, "Can you make 03:17 that decision, Sean, you know I trust you, 03:19 whatever decision you make, wherever you decide 03:22 you would like to eat tonight, that's fine with me." 03:24 Isn't that like being a leader though? 03:26 Right - so you're taking the leadership role 03:28 because she is giving it to you. 03:29 And then you're not controlling Yeah, I agree. 03:33 because that's what she wants. Right? 03:35 But here's another scenario... 03:37 If you are refusing to let your partner tell you what to eat 03:42 or how to dress, or what to read or who to talk to, 03:47 does that make you a controller? 03:50 I think it would - even if the person ended up coming 03:53 to accept that... like if that's what you're making the 03:58 person do - like you're controlling all these aspects, 04:01 maybe they'd end up becoming rather submissive to it, 04:04 they accept it like, "Oh it's just part of life. 04:07 this is just what he does, I'm okay with it." 04:10 But then you're trying to make them in exactly 04:15 what you want them to be, and that's a problem. 04:17 Let me personalize that question for you... 04:20 If as we are sitting here right now, 04:22 you thought that Sean was sitting too close to you 04:26 and you said, "Sean, (she did not say,) 04:33 and you said, "Sean, can you scoot over, like a foot. 04:38 I need some more personal space." 04:42 "And also, while you're doing that, 04:44 could you stop talking to me." 04:47 Please. No, we're not talking about 04:48 whether she's too blunt now, we're just talking about 04:50 controlling people. 04:51 I know, he has some history there, right? Right? 04:54 Too much. 04:55 Would that make you a controller - if you were 04:57 trying to secure your own boundaries? 05:00 I don't think so in that case. 05:02 It would be, I guess, controlling my own space 05:06 not trying to control who he is as a person. Right 05:09 Like I'm controlling my own space, huh, like that? Exactly. 05:12 You're allowed to control your own space. 05:15 You're allowed to control your own life. 05:17 You're allowed to decide what you will eat, 05:21 what you will wear, which job you will hold, 05:26 who is allowed to talk to you, and, as a young lady, 05:30 I know you know how important that is. Yeah 05:32 You don't want any and everybody coming up to you, 05:35 stepping up to you thinking that they could 05:37 carry on a major conversation, you know, trying to be slick 05:39 perhaps, you know, get a conversation in. 05:42 Trying to be slick, but they're not that slick. 05:44 They're not that slick, right? 05:45 So it's important to realize that when it comes to 05:48 boundaries, you guys have the right to establish your 05:52 boundaries without feeling that you are being controlling. Amen! 05:56 Okay, that's very, very important because a lot of 05:58 people will try to violate those boundaries and tell you 06:01 what you need to do with you. Okay 06:05 Now on the other hand, if someone is refusing 06:09 to let you decide what you want to eat, how you want to dress, 06:13 what you should read, how you should talk, 06:17 what you should say, is that person a controller? 06:20 Yeah. Yes. 06:23 I notice that Sean had to think about it. 06:25 Yeah, I am trying to give it some thought. 06:27 Okay, we have two "yeses," so... 06:30 I'm going to lean towards "yes." 06:32 You're going to lean towards "yes," 06:33 but you're not quite sure. 06:36 You think there's a possibility that someone can dictate 06:38 your every move without being controlling? 06:41 And I'm not talking about a parent or a child, 06:45 but I'm talking about equal partners. 06:47 Yeah, I don't think so. Yeah 06:48 So it's very, very important for you to keep that in mind. Okay 06:51 No one is allowed to do that to you. 06:53 When you're going out on dates, what the research is showing is 06:57 that controllers show their hand 06:59 long before they get to the altar. Hmm 07:02 This is as far as like dictating where they are 07:04 going to eat, what type of activity. Yeah 07:07 So what could be the difference between a man initiating 07:10 or making suggestions to mean okay your women would say, 07:14 you know, "You let us know where we want to eat, 07:17 you make that decision," how can you 07:19 make that different in someone who is just 07:22 controlling the whole situation throughout the whole thing. 07:24 I'll give you an example... Okay 07:25 Sometimes you could test things to find out 07:27 if you're dealing with a controlling situation. 07:29 If you went to dinner and you decided to pick the restaurant, 07:33 and she said, "Oh I would love to have you pick 07:35 the restaurant," so you pick the restaurant. Right 07:37 And you get there and then you decided to order for her. 07:43 "This is what you're going to eat." 07:44 There are some guys that would do that. Right 07:46 Now, you didn't ask or you didn't say, 07:49 "Can I order you the..." 07:50 Right, you're not giving her the option. 07:52 You're not giving her the option, you just 07:54 ... you never even looked in her direction. 07:55 You got the menu... Oh it happens... 07:57 It happens a lot. Yeah, it does. Yeah 07:59 And some women are okay with it because it's, you know, 08:03 in terms of class... Soundbites? 08:05 yeah, well in terms of class in certain circles, 08:08 it's allowed and sometimes they don't even 08:10 think it's submission, it's a class thing sometimes. 08:12 But here's the rub, what if she says, 08:15 "Oh I don't think I want that," and you said, 08:17 "No, you will eat this." 08:19 Okay, that's controlling. 08:20 You see where you cross the line? Um hm 08:22 So that could be the difference between 08:25 being a leader and a dictator. 08:27 Ahhh - perfect, I love that! 08:29 I love that and you guys don't want to be dictators 08:31 and you do not want to be dictated to. Right! 08:34 As a Y-type female, I am not even worried about Bianca. 08:38 The rebel. Not either. Laughter 08:41 Y- types are exceptional at stating where their boundary is, 08:46 and they can tell you where that boundary is from a mile off. 08:48 They don't wait until you step on the toe to say, 08:51 "Step off," no, they're telling you that while you're 08:53 coming toward them 10 feet away. Right 08:55 I'll say it nicely, but I'll say it. 08:56 And I'm glad that she'll say it nicely 08:58 because they don't, you know, always say it nicely. 09:01 So basically, so you guys think you have an idea of 09:04 what the difference is? Yes. Um hm. 09:05 Okay, so in a relationship, if you feel that you must 09:08 always have your way, you're a controller. Okay 09:12 If you're with someone who feels that she must always 09:14 have her way, she's a controller. 09:18 That takes a little while to figure out. 09:21 You're not going to find that out on a first date 09:23 because, you know, the first date you want to please her, 09:24 the second date you want to please her. 09:25 If you get to the 10th date and you still haven't 09:27 seen your restaurant, I'm guessing... 09:31 What happened in the first couple of dates, 09:32 but I think you have not too long after that 09:34 you can kind of tell... Okay, if I making suggestions 09:38 and she's not reciprocating or going along with that, 09:42 then that's when it's time when... Okay, something is up. 09:45 Yeah and some controllers have a tone, a voice, that they use 09:50 that you know, Sort of dismissive... 09:52 Dismissive, condescending, "I'm in charge, I'll tell you what 09:54 to do and some are very subtle, very sweet... "Oh Sean, can you 09:59 do this for me please," but you better not say no. 10:03 You know, you better not say no. 10:05 Okay, here are a couple of things that you're not 10:09 allowed control over... 10:11 If you're in a relationship, you do not get to decide, 10:14 by yourself, the pace of that relationship. 10:20 True, that's true. I like that. 10:21 Is that fair? Yes. Um hm. 10:23 And you shouldn't let someone else decide that either. 10:25 Bianca, you don't want a guy coming up and saying, 10:27 "You know, we've been dating for 6 months, 10:28 I just decided you're going to be my girlfriend from today." 10:31 "You're my girlfriend." Use you? 10:33 Exactly, but people do this. 10:35 People actually do this. 10:36 They say, "Hey, we're boyfriend and girlfriend." 10:39 But that generally would have a negative effect on that 10:41 person who is being, you know, controlled I guess 10:45 because they're going to push back. 10:46 They're going to like... they might say, "Okay 10:48 I'll be your girlfriend" or whatever the case is, 10:50 but in their mind, a red flag is going to pop up, 10:53 and that's not really going to progress the relationship. 10:55 Absolutely. Oh sorry, um. 10:57 What were you going to say? I was just going to say... 10:58 For some people, it might be... you know what, 11:00 "God is telling me this," that's a big thing. 11:05 You know and all of a sudden it's like... hmm 11:08 They may be using religion, 11:10 but if someone says something to me and they use religion, 11:13 I would prefer to err on the side of caution. Okay 11:16 If you tell me, "Hey, I really don't kiss before marriage," 11:21 even if I think that's outdated, even if I thought, you know, 11:25 "Hey wow, that's antiquated," I have to respect that because 11:28 you are telling me that this is your moral boundary, 11:31 and you guys have to expect the flip side of that too. 11:35 If you tell someone, "I'm not comfortable with this, 11:37 I'm not going to do that," they need to respect that. Yeah 11:42 And you don't have to give him a thousand reasons... 11:43 You can just say, "Well this is my moral boundary." Yeah. Right. 11:45 I guess what I was speaking to was like, you know, 11:48 "I just feel like God is telling me we should be in 11:50 a relationship," that kind of idea. 11:52 Right, oh, I am so glad that you mentioned that. 11:54 You've heard that, right? I've heard that so much. 11:56 "God gave me a sign and He told me." 11:58 He didn't give me the sign. 11:59 The first person to walk through this door tonight 12:02 is the one and low and behold, 12:05 you walked in, you're the one Sean! 12:07 I'm sorry... the pace of a relationship needs to be 12:11 decided by two. 12:13 You need to say to the lady, "Listen, you said that 12:16 God said?" He needs to talk to me. Right 12:19 He needs to confirm this with me because I didn't 12:22 see and I didn't hear, so don't fall for that 12:25 trap or trick because a lot of people use it... 12:28 that needs to go both ways. Okay? 12:30 All right, you also do not get to decide whether the 12:35 relationship continues or not. 12:39 I cannot tell you how many people I've heard from 12:43 who have said, "Oh, I tried to break up with my boyfriend, 12:47 but he told me that he wasn't letting me break up with him." 12:49 That's crazy! Oh, it happens! 12:51 I've heard that a lot. It' happens! 12:53 And if she says, "Oh I'm breaking up anyway," 12:55 and then it's followed by a threat, "Oh really?" 12:59 "Really? I don't think so." 13:00 "You're not breaking up with me." 13:03 So, anyone that sounds like either because of use of force, 13:08 you know, control or using some kind of manipulative technique 13:15 like crying or begging or fainting or "I'm going to die." 13:21 Can't live without you. Yeah, all of that. 13:22 You want to make sure that you don't fall for that. 13:25 Now I have to say, some people get so neurotic 13:28 and so emotional about it that they have said 13:32 threatened, "You know, I'm going to take my life 13:35 if you leave me," and that has happened 13:37 more often than you would think. 13:39 Now for something like that, you would want to pause, 13:41 it doesn't mean that you're staying in the relationship, 13:42 but you want to stay around to make sure that 13:44 she is not serious. 13:46 You know, you don't want to off with a 13:48 guilty conscience because you tried to establish 13:52 your boundaries and didn't give a care 13:53 for whether or not she was serious. 13:54 She might need some kind of help, 13:57 in terms of psychiatric help, psychological help, 13:59 and you want to be there for that, 14:01 but once that is done, you're taking off, right? 14:07 Okay, so those are some ideas I wanted to share with 14:10 you guys with regard to control and I think if you keep 14:13 those simple things in mind, 14:15 I think you guys will do just fine. 14:16 Okay, thank you! All right? 14:18 So I'll see you next time. Thanks! 14:28 Hello and welcome back to "Road to Romance" 14:30 We're joined again by Vania and Jeremiah. 14:33 Welcome! Thank you. 14:35 I thought today we could cover 14:36 control and controlling behavior. 14:39 So, let me start by defining what controlling behavior 14:42 looks like in a relationship. 14:44 So controlling behavior is the power to directly 14:48 influence another person's actions behavioral choices, 14:53 but not just influence, but influence to someone 14:57 who doesn't want to be influenced... 15:00 So it's an unwanted influence, Okay 15:02 and when it unwanted, it's control, okay? 15:06 So I'm going to do this a little different with you guys, 15:09 and I'd like to start by sharing examples of control... 15:12 And the reason why I want to do that is because I've 15:14 run into a lot of couples, I have a lot of wives that 15:18 come to me and they were complaining about the husband's 15:20 controlling behavior or the other way around. 15:23 It's no longer just the man that's controlling, 15:25 we're having a lot of complaints from men who feel 15:28 that there're being totally run over and then I would 15:33 talk to the wife about it and she would say, 15:35 "Control? I've never controlled my husband, never." 15:38 You would have no idea. No idea! 15:41 It's so natural. Right, it's natural and it's 15:43 very subtle, so I'd thought I would take a look 15:46 at some of the behaviors that were being reported to me 15:50 and share some with you. 15:52 So, #1- Lecturing your partner about what should be done... 15:58 is controlling behavior - you're not a lecturer, 16:01 you're a husband. 16:03 You're not allowed to keep the broken record going 16:06 over and over - you're allowed to ask, you know, 16:09 but you know what the posture of lecturing looks like. 16:12 It's a bit condescending. Okay? 16:15 Hacking the conversation with your interruptions. 16:19 That's controlling. 16:21 So, Vania is trying to make a point - she's trying to 16:24 explain something to you and the way you control 16:27 the outcome of this conversation is by constant 16:29 interruption and speaking above her, 16:32 a couple of decibels, you know, above you louder, 16:36 and trying to shut her down that way. 16:40 Okay and what about if someone is talking and then 16:45 you start saying something else - so it's like 16:47 you change the conversation. 16:50 That's a good point, deflection! 16:53 So you're trying to get them away from talking 16:55 about what they're talking about and that is also 16:57 a form of control. 16:59 Some people use what they call "piggybacking." 17:01 So Jeremiah comes to you with a complaint and you don't 17:04 even address it - you jump in with something he did 17:08 two weeks ago that you thought was something you should 17:13 have complained about but didn't. Okay 17:14 So that's another form of control - you're trying to 17:18 make sure that he doesn't get his point across, 17:20 so that it's not going to be dealt with. 17:22 Now "serial talking" which is making sure that you keep 17:27 talking and talking and talking and talking so that 17:31 your partner has no time left to insert their concerns... 17:36 So it happens especially when you have like 10 minutes 17:38 left or maybe you guys have gone to the doctor... 17:41 So you have a doctor's appointment and you know 17:42 he is going to call you and in 5 minutes and that's 17:44 when you drop the bomb and you keep talking and talking 17:47 so that you run out the clock, 17:49 like a football game. Exactly Right? 17:52 That's not allowed! That's controlling behavior. 17:55 Now insisting that anything or something is done, 17:59 only when you say it should be done and should be done 18:04 exactly how you want it to be done, immediately 18:08 rather than some other time. That's controlling behavior. 18:13 So there has to be some flexibility there 18:15 to where if you have a need to talk right at that moment, 18:18 but the other person, for whatever reason may 18:21 say, "You know what, maybe it's best if we postpone 18:24 this conversation until maybe later today or something 18:27 like that which is still fairly quickly to resolve the matter. 18:29 But you're respecting their right to say, "I'm choosing 18:32 to remove myself from this conversation at this time. 18:35 So the person has to be allowed to have that time 18:38 to say, "We need to break from this conversation." Yeah 18:40 And not just conversation... What if Vania asked you to 18:44 take your shoes from the living room and put them back 18:48 in the closet? 18:50 If Vania expects you to do it 10 seconds before the words 18:55 drop from her lips, that's controlling behavior. 18:58 This is the way we grew up... our parents expected 19:01 immediate obedience. Right 19:04 If what you have to do to comply with your partner feels like 19:07 immediate obedience is required, it's controlling. 19:11 And what about if he asks me to put away my shoes, 19:17 and he expects me to do it in 2 hours and I find it 19:21 okay to do it in 10 hours? 19:24 Ah, that's a good one. That's a good one! Laughter 19:29 That's a good one because now you guys are going to have to 19:31 compromise on what exactly is reasonable 19:35 because 2 hours might not be a problem, 19:38 but 10 hours would be a horrible thing if you had 19:41 some guests coming over in 5 hours... 19:43 So this is something that you guys would have to decide, 19:45 but that's a good point. 19:46 I think the controlling is really when you want 19:48 it to be done now for now. Okay 19:51 But I would try to not be too rigid on the exact time, 19:55 like I would try to not say, "Okay, 2 hours and I'm watching 19:57 my clock... let me see, he has 5 minutes 19:59 to move those shoes or there's trouble," you know. 20:01 I would try not to do that, but that's a good question. 20:05 Thinking you're always right! That is controlling. 20:10 Mostly because you're not. I was going to say... 20:13 it's more than controlling, it's dangerous. 20:15 It's dangerous. You're not always right. 20:16 Even if you are the man of the house, you're not always right. 20:20 If you were always right, you probably 20:21 wouldn't need a partner. Exactly 20:23 You could just do all the thinking, do all the planning... 20:27 do you live your life? 20:29 You wouldn't need Vania. Exactly 20:31 So if you find yourself thinking, even most of the time, 20:35 that you're always right... I was say that is controlling 20:37 behavior. Okay? 20:39 "Overreacting to little things." 20:43 We have more X-types that do that than Y-types 20:47 because X-types are more reactive and they're more 20:50 emotional - so reacting to every little thing 20:54 it's a form of manipulation and manipulation 20:57 can easily be controlled. 20:59 So you want to make sure that you choose 21:02 what you're going to react to and not everything 21:05 needs a reaction. 21:06 You're always quick to point out how your partner 21:09 is doing something wrong... if that is your style, 21:13 then you're affecting your partner's self-esteem. 21:16 If the only thing that comes out of your mouth is, 21:19 "You broke this again, you broke another glass," 21:22 you know what I'm saying, and even if it's true, 21:25 the point is if you are doing this repeatedly, 21:28 then you're affecting the person's self-esteem. 21:31 One of our most notable scientists on the West Coast 21:37 that studies marital satisfaction has found 21:41 that the ratio of criticism, even constructive criticism, 21:45 the compliments, the ratio should be what? 21:50 It should really be 1:5, in other words, 21:53 you should complement five times more than you're criticized, 21:59 and this is scientific, he has measured it. 22:01 What he has found is... When the ratio of compliments 22:05 to criticism gets down to 1:1, they are just about ready 22:12 to start talking about going their separate ways. Wow 22:16 You would have thought 1:1, a lot of people think 22:19 "Come on now, give her a compliment for every time 22:21 I give her a criticism, I'm doing good." 22:22 Not according to the research. 22:25 If you're not 5:1, you are on dangerous ground. 22:30 Yeah... I was going to say, that's one 22:31 of the things that I actually try to do with her is 22:34 you know, I try to be as complimentary as I can 22:37 with just about everything, you know, whenever I notice 22:39 something that maybe most people 22:41 wouldn't give a thought to... 22:43 I'm like, "Oh, I see that this is what you're doing," 22:45 I encourage her, I like to feel like - I'm helping make a 22:49 difference positively in bringing her down. Yeah 22:52 I like that about you! I bet you do, I bet you do. 22:56 You probably do the same thing too. Yes, yes. 22:58 The reason why I'm guessing is because, again, it's hormonal. 23:02 They found that oxytocin actually causes 23:04 people to be more attentive. 23:06 They've actually done experiments where they've 23:08 offered nasal spray to men who were inattentive and then 23:12 once the men got the nasal oxytocin spray, 23:15 they would go to their wives and say, "Oh my gosh, 23:18 your eyes are blue and when did you cut your hair, 23:21 I really like that." 23:23 That was the first time that they had seen this, 23:24 and the wife said, "Well, I had this like 6 months ago." 23:27 But that is the power of oxytocin, so those of you that 23:29 are naturally high in oxytocin, it's easier for you to be 23:33 attentive that way, but it's absolutely essential. 23:36 We found that people who cannot bring aspects of their own 23:40 lives under control - so that it relieves their stress, 23:44 tend to want to control someone else's. 23:49 If I have a whole lot of things in my life that I just, 23:52 I'm trying but I'm not getting anywhere with them, 23:55 then sometimes I might think it's easier for me to try 23:58 with your life - I can get you to comply quicker than 24:02 I can get myself to comply with the very things that 24:04 I need to fix. 24:06 How aware are they that they're... 24:09 They're not, oh they're not. 24:11 I was going to ask the same thing. No, not at all. 24:12 They'll be aware now when they view the program, 24:15 they'll be aware when you share with them, 24:17 they'll be aware, but most times they are 24:18 not aware at all. 24:21 If you keep overthrowing your partner's plans in favor of 24:24 yours, you are controlling. 24:31 There has to be a time when you are going to let her plans 24:33 stand and you're going to say, "You know what, 24:35 honey, let's just do what you want us to do tonight." 24:39 It does not always have to be about you. 24:43 Let me ask you a question to that end... 24:45 So if, because you were talking about control, 24:48 and in a previous segment I recall you saying that 24:51 you have the right to establish your boundaries, it's okay, 24:56 "I want to wear this, I don't want to 24:58 wear this and things like that. 25:00 So if you say to your partner, "I want to stay in," 25:03 but then she wants to go out... you're not 25:04 stopping her from going out, but she insists that you go out 25:07 with her, so how do you draw that line right there. 25:09 Same rule... if every time she wants to go out or often 25:14 that she wants to go out, you want to stay at home, 25:17 that's controlling behavior, mostly because 25:21 she wants to go out with you. Okay 25:23 Now if she said, "I want to go out, but you don't 25:26 have to come, it's okay, I'll go with my girlfriends," 25:30 that's different, but you know that she probably doesn't 25:33 have a bunch of girlfriends, she does not too many friends 25:35 out here and so she's relying on you to go, 25:38 but you're always tired or you're 25:39 a homebody and you want to stay home... 25:41 It's okay to do that, but not most of the time 25:44 or that becomes controlling behavior or selfish behavior. 25:50 Also, no backhanded compliments, backhanded compliments 25:54 you cannot say to your wife, "Of course, you know you're not 25:57 as fat as you used to be." Laughter 26:00 I know what you're trying to say, but where are you 26:03 going to sleep tonight - I mean on the sofa probably. Right? 26:06 Yeah, if you're not already there. 26:09 Before we go to our spiritual application, 26:11 I wanted to share one point, I have spoken to many women 26:15 who said they could not turn over the leadership 26:19 to their men because they didn't trust his judgment 26:23 and that's a difficult place to be - because the Bible 26:27 does imply that the husband has the leadership role. 26:30 But if you don't trust His judgment to do the right 26:34 thing for the family, why would you want to 26:36 turn it over? 26:38 So before we go, I wanted to talk about freedom. 26:40 You know the Bible says, "Where the Spirit of the Lord 26:43 is, there is liberty," 2 Corinthians 3:17 26:46 Freedom - wherever the Spirit of the Lord is... 26:49 If you think the Spirit of the Lord is in your home, 26:52 then guess what? Your wife will tell her 26:56 friends, "I feel pretty free." 26:58 "My husband allows me to be who I am." Right 27:01 If she says anything else, then something is wrong with 27:04 your spirit walk. 27:06 Remember why Christ died. 27:08 Remember what happened with Adam and Eve. 27:11 Remember Christ thought so much about freedom 27:12 that He put that tree in the Garden of Eden, 27:15 He didn't have to. 27:17 We wouldn't be here today if he didn't, 27:19 but He did that because of the value that He 27:22 places on freedom and it's an affront to God, I think, 27:26 for anyone to feel that they have a right 27:28 to control another human being even if it's your wife. Right 27:33 It's not right, then Christ died in vain because He 27:37 died so that she could be free. Does that make sense? 27:40 It makes perfect sense. And God doesn't even 27:42 force us to choose for Him. 27:44 No, He does not... He doesn't even for us 27:47 to choose Him - even that He allows up to us. 27:52 Even though He wants that, but He gives us the free choice. 27:55 Absolutely. 27:56 So I would like to thank you guys for being on 27:59 the program today and I am going to see you both next time. |
Revised 2017-08-02