Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
00:00:23.52\00:00:26.19
I'm your host Dr. John Jacob.
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Today, we have with us
Bianca, Sean and Miles.
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Welcome! Hi! Hello!
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So today, we are going to cover
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control and
controlling behavior.
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I'm going to try to see
if I could help you guys
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to identify when you
are getting ready to get
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into a relationship
with someone who might be a
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controller. All right. Okay!
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So people control
out of fear mostly.
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They want to be in
control of the environment.
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They want to be control of
the outcome and they're afraid
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that if they leave
everything up to you,
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you're probably
going to mess things up.
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So a wife who is a
controller in that case
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would perhaps want
to choose your jacket.
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You look pretty sharp
today, but if you had a
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controlling partner,
she might not think that
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that jacket matched that shirt.
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Oh, that's... okay, that's like
an example of someone who...
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It's an example of
someone who, yes...
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and so she would ask you
to change your jacket. Okay
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What is she's just
watching out for you?
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What if she's just
watching out for you?
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How do you tell the difference
between someone who is
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just looking out
for your best interest,
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and someone who is a controller?
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We have a few ways.
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So let me just define
what controlling is first,
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and then we'll
take a look at that.
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So control is the
power to directly influence
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another person's
actions, behavior or choices,
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but a lot of us do
that without controlling.
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But here's the difference...
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If exercising this power
is unwelcomed or unwanted,
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sometimes unrequested,
then there's a chance that
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you are a controller.
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So even in an example
where someone wants to be
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controlled, that
person controlling them is not
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a typical controlling situation?
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It's interesting
that you ask that because
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that was my next question,
that's my next question.
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I have three questions
for you guys and this question
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that you just asked is
very, very close to it.
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Here it is... Are
you a controller if the
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person being controlled
wants to be controlled
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or likes to be controlled?
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I think so because
it's called "mind control."
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But are you controlling -
the person wants it? I think so.
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So based on our previous
definition... Manipulation.
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So what is our previous
definition of control, remember?
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That they don't want
it. Yeah. If it's unwanted.
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It is not controlling them. Yeah
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If it's unwanted, but
if the person wants it...
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And let me qualify some terms...
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Sometimes we mistake control
for the need for structure
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or the need for leadership.
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So very often guys get
with a lady and find out that
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she wants them to
make the decisions.
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You know, she does not
want you to ask her repeatedly,
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"Well which restaurant are we
going to go to tonight, honey?"
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"Which restaurant," you
know, over and over and over.
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She wants you and she
will say, "Can you make
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that decision, Sean,
you know I trust you,
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whatever decision you
make, wherever you decide
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you would like to eat
tonight, that's fine with me."
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Isn't that like
being a leader though?
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Right - so you're
taking the leadership role
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because she is giving it to you.
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And then you're not
controlling Yeah, I agree.
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because that's
what she wants. Right?
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But here's another scenario...
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If you are refusing to let your
partner tell you what to eat
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or how to dress, or what
to read or who to talk to,
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does that make you a controller?
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I think it would - even
if the person ended up coming
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to accept that... like if
that's what you're making the
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person do - like you're
controlling all these aspects,
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maybe they'd end up becoming
rather submissive to it,
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they accept it like,
"Oh it's just part of life.
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this is just what he
does, I'm okay with it."
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But then you're trying
to make them in exactly
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what you want them to
be, and that's a problem.
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Let me personalize
that question for you...
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If as we are
sitting here right now,
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you thought that Sean
was sitting too close to you
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and you said,
"Sean, (she did not say,)
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and you said, "Sean, can
you scoot over, like a foot.
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I need some
more personal space."
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"And also, while
you're doing that,
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could you stop talking to me."
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Please. No,
we're not talking about
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whether she's too blunt
now, we're just talking about
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controlling people.
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I know, he has some
history there, right? Right?
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Too much.
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Would that make you a
controller - if you were
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trying to secure
your own boundaries?
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I don't think so in that case.
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It would be, I guess,
controlling my own space
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not trying to control
who he is as a person. Right
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Like I'm controlling my own
space, huh, like that? Exactly.
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You're allowed to
control your own space.
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You're allowed to
control your own life.
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You're allowed to
decide what you will eat,
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what you will wear,
which job you will hold,
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who is allowed to talk to
you, and, as a young lady,
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I know you know how
important that is. Yeah
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You don't want any and
everybody coming up to you,
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stepping up to you
thinking that they could
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carry on a major conversation,
you know, trying to be slick
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perhaps, you know,
get a conversation in.
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Trying to be slick,
but they're not that slick.
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They're not that slick, right?
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So it's important to
realize that when it comes to
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boundaries, you guys have
the right to establish your
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boundaries without feeling that
you are being controlling. Amen!
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Okay, that's very, very
important because a lot of
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people will try to violate
those boundaries and tell you
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what you need to
do with you. Okay
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Now on the other
hand, if someone is refusing
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to let you decide what you want
to eat, how you want to dress,
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what you should
read, how you should talk,
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what you should say, is
that person a controller?
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Yeah. Yes.
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I notice that Sean
had to think about it.
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Yeah, I am trying to
give it some thought.
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Okay, we have two "yeses," so...
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I'm going to lean towards "yes."
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You're going to
lean towards "yes,"
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but you're not quite sure.
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You think there's a possibility
that someone can dictate
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your every move
without being controlling?
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And I'm not talking
about a parent or a child,
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but I'm talking
about equal partners.
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Yeah, I don't think so. Yeah
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So it's very, very important for
you to keep that in mind. Okay
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No one is allowed
to do that to you.
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When you're going out on dates,
what the research is showing is
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that controllers show their hand
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long before they
get to the altar. Hmm
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This is as far as like
dictating where they are
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going to eat, what
type of activity. Yeah
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So what could be the difference
between a man initiating
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or making suggestions to
mean okay your women would say,
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you know, "You let us
know where we want to eat,
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you make that
decision," how can you
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make that different
in someone who is just
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controlling the whole situation
throughout the whole thing.
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I'll give you an example... Okay
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Sometimes you could
test things to find out
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if you're dealing with
a controlling situation.
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If you went to dinner and you
decided to pick the restaurant,
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and she said, "Oh I
would love to have you pick
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the restaurant," so you
pick the restaurant. Right
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And you get there and then
you decided to order for her.
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"This is what
you're going to eat."
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There are some guys
that would do that. Right
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Now, you didn't
ask or you didn't say,
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"Can I order you the..."
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Right, you're not
giving her the option.
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You're not giving
her the option, you just
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... you never even
looked in her direction.
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You got the
menu... Oh it happens...
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It happens a lot.
Yeah, it does. Yeah
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And some women are okay
with it because it's, you know,
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in terms of class... Soundbites?
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yeah, well in terms of
class in certain circles,
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it's allowed and
sometimes they don't even
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think it's submission,
it's a class thing sometimes.
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But here's the
rub, what if she says,
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"Oh I don't think I
want that," and you said,
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"No, you will eat this."
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Okay, that's controlling.
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You see where you
cross the line? Um hm
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So that could be
the difference between
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being a leader and a dictator.
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Ahhh - perfect, I love that!
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I love that and you guys
don't want to be dictators
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and you do not want
to be dictated to. Right!
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As a Y-type female, I am
not even worried about Bianca.
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The rebel. Not either. Laughter
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Y- types are exceptional at
stating where their boundary is,
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and they can tell you where that
boundary is from a mile off.
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They don't wait until
you step on the toe to say,
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"Step off," no, they're
telling you that while you're
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coming toward them
10 feet away. Right
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I'll say it
nicely, but I'll say it.
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And I'm glad that
she'll say it nicely
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because they don't, you
know, always say it nicely.
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So basically, so you
guys think you have an idea of
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what the
difference is? Yes. Um hm.
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Okay, so in a relationship,
if you feel that you must
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always have your way,
you're a controller. Okay
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If you're with someone
who feels that she must always
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have her way,
she's a controller.
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That takes a little
while to figure out.
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You're not going to
find that out on a first date
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because, you know, the first
date you want to please her,
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the second date
you want to please her.
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If you get to the 10th
date and you still haven't
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seen your
restaurant, I'm guessing...
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What happened in the
first couple of dates,
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but I think you have
not too long after that
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you can kind of tell...
Okay, if I making suggestions
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and she's not reciprocating
or going along with that,
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then that's when it's time
when... Okay, something is up.
00:09:42.94\00:09:45.61
Yeah and some controllers have
a tone, a voice, that they use
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that you know,
Sort of dismissive...
00:09:50.15\00:09:52.05
Dismissive, condescending, "I'm
in charge, I'll tell you what
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to do and some are very subtle,
very sweet... "Oh Sean, can you
00:09:54.82\00:09:59.46
do this for me please,"
but you better not say no.
00:09:59.49\00:10:02.96
You know, you better not say no.
00:10:03.03\00:10:05.90
Okay, here are a couple
of things that you're not
00:10:05.93\00:10:09.30
allowed control over...
00:10:09.34\00:10:11.84
If you're in a relationship,
you do not get to decide,
00:10:11.87\00:10:14.88
by yourself, the
pace of that relationship.
00:10:14.91\00:10:20.22
True, that's true. I like that.
00:10:20.25\00:10:21.58
Is that fair? Yes. Um hm.
00:10:21.62\00:10:23.25
And you shouldn't let
someone else decide that either.
00:10:23.28\00:10:25.85
Bianca, you don't want a
guy coming up and saying,
00:10:25.89\00:10:27.56
"You know, we've
been dating for 6 months,
00:10:27.59\00:10:28.92
I just decided you're going
to be my girlfriend from today."
00:10:28.96\00:10:31.36
"You're my girlfriend." Use you?
00:10:31.39\00:10:33.13
Exactly, but people do this.
00:10:33.16\00:10:35.50
People actually do this.
00:10:35.53\00:10:36.93
They say, "Hey, we're
boyfriend and girlfriend."
00:10:36.97\00:10:39.00
But that generally would
have a negative effect on that
00:10:39.03\00:10:41.30
person who is being,
you know, controlled I guess
00:10:41.34\00:10:44.97
because they're
going to push back.
00:10:45.01\00:10:46.61
They're going to
like... they might say, "Okay
00:10:46.64\00:10:48.44
I'll be your girlfriend"
or whatever the case is,
00:10:48.48\00:10:50.15
but in their mind, a
red flag is going to pop up,
00:10:50.18\00:10:53.45
and that's not really going
to progress the relationship.
00:10:53.48\00:10:55.72
Absolutely. Oh sorry, um.
00:10:55.75\00:10:57.45
What were you going to
say? I was just going to say...
00:10:57.49\00:10:58.82
For some people, it
might be... you know what,
00:10:58.85\00:11:00.92
"God is telling me
this," that's a big thing.
00:11:00.96\00:11:05.46
You know and all of a
sudden it's like... hmm
00:11:05.49\00:11:08.70
They may be using religion,
00:11:08.73\00:11:10.47
but if someone says something
to me and they use religion,
00:11:10.50\00:11:13.17
I would prefer to err on
the side of caution. Okay
00:11:13.20\00:11:16.30
If you tell me, "Hey, I really
don't kiss before marriage,"
00:11:16.34\00:11:21.54
even if I think that's outdated,
even if I thought, you know,
00:11:21.58\00:11:25.08
"Hey wow, that's antiquated,"
I have to respect that because
00:11:25.11\00:11:28.32
you are telling me that
this is your moral boundary,
00:11:28.35\00:11:31.25
and you guys have to expect
the flip side of that too.
00:11:31.62\00:11:35.12
If you tell someone, "I'm
not comfortable with this,
00:11:35.16\00:11:37.96
I'm not going to do that,"
they need to respect that. Yeah
00:11:37.99\00:11:42.16
And you don't have to
give him a thousand reasons...
00:11:42.20\00:11:43.53
You can just say, "Well this is
my moral boundary." Yeah. Right.
00:11:43.57\00:11:45.80
I guess what I was
speaking to was like, you know,
00:11:45.83\00:11:47.80
"I just feel like God is
telling me we should be in
00:11:48.90\00:11:50.77
a relationship,"
that kind of idea.
00:11:50.81\00:11:52.81
Right, oh, I am so glad
that you mentioned that.
00:11:52.84\00:11:54.74
You've heard that,
right? I've heard that so much.
00:11:54.78\00:11:56.21
"God gave me a
sign and He told me."
00:11:56.24\00:11:58.41
He didn't give me the sign.
00:11:58.45\00:11:59.78
The first person to walk
through this door tonight
00:11:59.81\00:12:02.68
is the one and low and behold,
00:12:02.72\00:12:05.59
you walked in,
you're the one Sean!
00:12:05.62\00:12:07.89
I'm sorry... the pace of
a relationship needs to be
00:12:07.92\00:12:11.83
decided by two.
00:12:11.86\00:12:13.19
You need to say to the
lady, "Listen, you said that
00:12:13.23\00:12:16.26
God said?" He needs
to talk to me. Right
00:12:16.30\00:12:19.33
He needs to confirm
this with me because I didn't
00:12:19.37\00:12:22.20
see and I didn't
hear, so don't fall for that
00:12:22.24\00:12:25.31
trap or trick because
a lot of people use it...
00:12:25.34\00:12:28.04
that needs to
go both ways. Okay?
00:12:28.08\00:12:30.91
All right, you also do
not get to decide whether the
00:12:30.95\00:12:35.68
relationship continues or not.
00:12:35.72\00:12:39.49
I cannot tell you how
many people I've heard from
00:12:39.52\00:12:43.06
who have said, "Oh, I tried
to break up with my boyfriend,
00:12:43.09\00:12:47.23
but he told me that he wasn't
letting me break up with him."
00:12:47.26\00:12:49.56
That's crazy! Oh, it happens!
00:12:49.60\00:12:51.73
I've heard that
a lot. It' happens!
00:12:51.77\00:12:53.10
And if she says, "Oh
I'm breaking up anyway,"
00:12:53.13\00:12:55.50
and then it's followed
by a threat, "Oh really?"
00:12:55.54\00:12:58.14
"Really? I don't think so."
00:12:59.01\00:13:00.44
"You're not
breaking up with me."
00:13:00.48\00:13:02.98
So, anyone that sounds like
either because of use of force,
00:13:03.01\00:13:08.55
you know, control or using some
kind of manipulative technique
00:13:08.58\00:13:15.92
like crying or begging or
fainting or "I'm going to die."
00:13:15.96\00:13:21.43
Can't live without
you. Yeah, all of that.
00:13:21.46\00:13:22.83
You want to make sure
that you don't fall for that.
00:13:22.86\00:13:25.87
Now I have to say,
some people get so neurotic
00:13:25.90\00:13:28.24
and so emotional
about it that they have said
00:13:28.27\00:13:32.81
threatened, "You know,
I'm going to take my life
00:13:32.84\00:13:35.44
if you leave me,"
and that has happened
00:13:35.48\00:13:37.55
more often than you would think.
00:13:37.58\00:13:39.65
Now for something like
that, you would want to pause,
00:13:39.68\00:13:41.28
it doesn't mean that you're
staying in the relationship,
00:13:41.32\00:13:42.65
but you want to stay
around to make sure that
00:13:42.68\00:13:44.52
she is not serious.
00:13:44.55\00:13:45.95
You know, you
don't want to off with a
00:13:46.35\00:13:48.72
guilty conscience
because you tried to establish
00:13:48.76\00:13:52.03
your boundaries
and didn't give a care
00:13:52.06\00:13:53.53
for whether or
not she was serious.
00:13:53.56\00:13:54.90
She might need
some kind of help,
00:13:54.93\00:13:57.27
in terms of psychiatric
help, psychological help,
00:13:57.30\00:13:59.77
and you want to
be there for that,
00:13:59.80\00:14:01.30
but once that is done,
you're taking off, right?
00:14:01.34\00:14:07.64
Okay, so those are some
ideas I wanted to share with
00:14:07.68\00:14:10.58
you guys with regard to
control and I think if you keep
00:14:10.61\00:14:13.48
those simple things in mind,
00:14:13.52\00:14:15.15
I think you guys
will do just fine.
00:14:15.18\00:14:16.89
Okay, thank you! All right?
00:14:16.92\00:14:18.25
So I'll see you
next time. Thanks!
00:14:18.29\00:14:20.32
Hello and welcome
back to "Road to Romance"
00:14:28.53\00:14:30.90
We're joined again
by Vania and Jeremiah.
00:14:30.93\00:14:33.90
Welcome! Thank you.
00:14:33.94\00:14:35.30
I thought today we could cover
00:14:35.34\00:14:36.74
control and
controlling behavior.
00:14:36.77\00:14:39.11
So, let me start by defining
what controlling behavior
00:14:39.14\00:14:42.84
looks like in a relationship.
00:14:42.88\00:14:44.91
So controlling behavior
is the power to directly
00:14:44.95\00:14:48.08
influence another person's
actions behavioral choices,
00:14:48.12\00:14:53.76
but not just influence,
but influence to someone
00:14:53.79\00:14:57.73
who doesn't want
to be influenced...
00:14:57.76\00:15:00.00
So it's an
unwanted influence, Okay
00:15:00.03\00:15:02.33
and when it
unwanted, it's control, okay?
00:15:02.36\00:15:06.10
So I'm going to do this a
little different with you guys,
00:15:06.13\00:15:09.04
and I'd like to start by
sharing examples of control...
00:15:09.07\00:15:12.74
And the reason why I want
to do that is because I've
00:15:12.77\00:15:14.81
run into a lot of couples,
I have a lot of wives that
00:15:14.84\00:15:18.21
come to me and they were
complaining about the husband's
00:15:18.25\00:15:20.75
controlling behavior
or the other way around.
00:15:20.78\00:15:23.05
It's no longer just
the man that's controlling,
00:15:23.08\00:15:25.35
we're having a lot of
complaints from men who feel
00:15:25.39\00:15:28.56
that there're being totally
run over and then I would
00:15:28.59\00:15:32.99
talk to the wife
about it and she would say,
00:15:33.03\00:15:35.10
"Control? I've never
controlled my husband, never."
00:15:35.13\00:15:38.83
You would have no idea. No idea!
00:15:38.87\00:15:40.97
It's so natural.
Right, it's natural and it's
00:15:41.00\00:15:43.71
very subtle, so I'd
thought I would take a look
00:15:43.74\00:15:46.41
at some of the behaviors
that were being reported to me
00:15:46.44\00:15:50.01
and share some with you.
00:15:50.05\00:15:52.21
So, #1- Lecturing your partner
about what should be done...
00:15:52.25\00:15:58.35
is controlling behavior
- you're not a lecturer,
00:15:58.39\00:16:01.76
you're a husband.
00:16:01.79\00:16:03.12
You're not allowed to
keep the broken record going
00:16:03.16\00:16:06.49
over and over - you're
allowed to ask, you know,
00:16:06.53\00:16:09.13
but you know what the
posture of lecturing looks like.
00:16:09.16\00:16:12.73
It's a bit condescending. Okay?
00:16:12.77\00:16:15.47
Hacking the conversation
with your interruptions.
00:16:15.50\00:16:19.87
That's controlling.
00:16:19.91\00:16:21.94
So, Vania is trying to
make a point - she's trying to
00:16:21.98\00:16:24.18
explain something to
you and the way you control
00:16:24.21\00:16:27.25
the outcome of this
conversation is by constant
00:16:27.28\00:16:29.95
interruption and
speaking above her,
00:16:29.98\00:16:32.85
a couple of decibels,
you know, above you louder,
00:16:32.89\00:16:36.66
and trying to
shut her down that way.
00:16:36.69\00:16:39.96
Okay and what about if
someone is talking and then
00:16:40.00\00:16:45.03
you start saying
something else - so it's like
00:16:45.07\00:16:47.44
you change the conversation.
00:16:47.47\00:16:50.44
That's a good point, deflection!
00:16:50.47\00:16:53.07
So you're trying to
get them away from talking
00:16:53.11\00:16:55.14
about what they're
talking about and that is also
00:16:55.18\00:16:57.68
a form of control.
00:16:57.71\00:16:59.18
Some people use what
they call "piggybacking."
00:16:59.21\00:17:01.58
So Jeremiah comes to you
with a complaint and you don't
00:17:01.62\00:17:04.89
even address it - you
jump in with something he did
00:17:04.92\00:17:08.62
two weeks ago that you
thought was something you should
00:17:08.66\00:17:12.99
have complained
about but didn't. Okay
00:17:13.03\00:17:14.93
So that's another form of
control - you're trying to
00:17:14.96\00:17:18.10
make sure that he
doesn't get his point across,
00:17:18.13\00:17:20.60
so that it's not
going to be dealt with.
00:17:20.64\00:17:22.60
Now "serial talking" which
is making sure that you keep
00:17:22.64\00:17:27.94
talking and talking and
talking and talking so that
00:17:27.98\00:17:31.61
your partner has no time
left to insert their concerns...
00:17:31.65\00:17:36.12
So it happens especially
when you have like 10 minutes
00:17:36.15\00:17:38.72
left or maybe you guys
have gone to the doctor...
00:17:38.75\00:17:41.29
So you have a doctor's
appointment and you know
00:17:41.32\00:17:42.66
he is going to call you
and in 5 minutes and that's
00:17:42.69\00:17:44.39
when you drop the bomb and
you keep talking and talking
00:17:44.43\00:17:47.93
so that you run out the clock,
00:17:47.96\00:17:49.63
like a football
game. Exactly Right?
00:17:49.66\00:17:52.37
That's not allowed!
That's controlling behavior.
00:17:52.40\00:17:55.77
Now insisting that
anything or something is done,
00:17:55.80\00:17:59.61
only when you say it should
be done and should be done
00:17:59.64\00:18:04.11
exactly how you want
it to be done, immediately
00:18:04.15\00:18:08.18
rather than some other time.
That's controlling behavior.
00:18:08.22\00:18:13.42
So there has to be
some flexibility there
00:18:13.46\00:18:15.52
to where if you have a need
to talk right at that moment,
00:18:15.56\00:18:18.69
but the other person,
for whatever reason may
00:18:18.73\00:18:20.96
say, "You know what,
maybe it's best if we postpone
00:18:21.00\00:18:24.37
this conversation until
maybe later today or something
00:18:24.40\00:18:27.14
like that which is still fairly
quickly to resolve the matter.
00:18:27.17\00:18:29.64
But you're respecting their
right to say, "I'm choosing
00:18:29.67\00:18:32.64
to remove myself from
this conversation at this time.
00:18:32.67\00:18:35.44
So the person has to be
allowed to have that time
00:18:35.48\00:18:38.65
to say, "We need to break
from this conversation." Yeah
00:18:38.68\00:18:40.45
And not just conversation...
What if Vania asked you to
00:18:40.48\00:18:44.35
take your shoes from the
living room and put them back
00:18:44.65\00:18:48.62
in the closet?
00:18:48.66\00:18:49.99
If Vania expects you to do
it 10 seconds before the words
00:18:50.03\00:18:54.96
drop from her lips,
that's controlling behavior.
00:18:55.00\00:18:58.40
This is the way we grew
up... our parents expected
00:18:58.43\00:19:01.57
immediate obedience. Right
00:19:01.60\00:19:04.17
If what you have to do to comply
with your partner feels like
00:19:04.21\00:19:07.84
immediate obedience is
required, it's controlling.
00:19:07.88\00:19:11.61
And what about if he
asks me to put away my shoes,
00:19:11.65\00:19:17.59
and he expects me to do
it in 2 hours and I find it
00:19:17.62\00:19:21.36
okay to do it in 10 hours?
00:19:21.39\00:19:24.63
Ah, that's a good one.
That's a good one! Laughter
00:19:24.66\00:19:29.20
That's a good one because now
you guys are going to have to
00:19:29.23\00:19:31.47
compromise on what
exactly is reasonable
00:19:31.50\00:19:35.57
because 2 hours
might not be a problem,
00:19:35.60\00:19:38.27
but 10 hours would be a
horrible thing if you had
00:19:38.31\00:19:40.98
some guests
coming over in 5 hours...
00:19:41.01\00:19:43.18
So this is something that
you guys would have to decide,
00:19:43.21\00:19:45.11
but that's a good point.
00:19:45.15\00:19:46.58
I think the controlling
is really when you want
00:19:46.61\00:19:48.78
it to be done now for now. Okay
00:19:48.82\00:19:51.05
But I would try to not be
too rigid on the exact time,
00:19:51.72\00:19:55.19
like I would try to not say,
"Okay, 2 hours and I'm watching
00:19:55.22\00:19:57.63
my clock... let me
see, he has 5 minutes
00:19:57.66\00:19:59.46
to move those shoes or
there's trouble," you know.
00:19:59.49\00:20:01.83
I would try not to do that,
but that's a good question.
00:20:01.86\00:20:05.90
Thinking you're always
right! That is controlling.
00:20:05.93\00:20:10.87
Mostly because you're
not. I was going to say...
00:20:10.91\00:20:13.84
it's more than
controlling, it's dangerous.
00:20:13.88\00:20:15.21
It's dangerous.
You're not always right.
00:20:15.24\00:20:16.81
Even if you are the man of the
house, you're not always right.
00:20:16.85\00:20:20.38
If you were always
right, you probably
00:20:20.42\00:20:21.75
wouldn't need a partner. Exactly
00:20:21.78\00:20:23.72
You could just do all the
thinking, do all the planning...
00:20:23.75\00:20:27.19
do you live your life?
00:20:27.22\00:20:29.82
You wouldn't need Vania. Exactly
00:20:29.86\00:20:31.69
So if you find yourself
thinking, even most of the time,
00:20:31.73\00:20:35.46
that you're always right...
I was say that is controlling
00:20:35.50\00:20:37.80
behavior. Okay?
00:20:37.83\00:20:39.63
"Overreacting to little things."
00:20:39.67\00:20:43.30
We have more X-types
that do that than Y-types
00:20:43.34\00:20:47.88
because X-types are more
reactive and they're more
00:20:47.91\00:20:50.91
emotional - so
reacting to every little thing
00:20:50.95\00:20:54.28
it's a form of
manipulation and manipulation
00:20:54.32\00:20:57.42
can easily be controlled.
00:20:57.45\00:20:59.75
So you want to make
sure that you choose
00:20:59.79\00:21:02.39
what you're going to
react to and not everything
00:21:02.42\00:21:05.29
needs a reaction.
00:21:05.33\00:21:06.66
You're always quick to
point out how your partner
00:21:06.70\00:21:09.36
is doing something
wrong... if that is your style,
00:21:09.40\00:21:13.60
then you're affecting
your partner's self-esteem.
00:21:13.64\00:21:16.81
If the only thing that
comes out of your mouth is,
00:21:16.84\00:21:19.31
"You broke this again,
you broke another glass,"
00:21:19.34\00:21:22.68
you know what I'm
saying, and even if it's true,
00:21:22.71\00:21:25.45
the point is if you
are doing this repeatedly,
00:21:25.48\00:21:28.58
then you're affecting
the person's self-esteem.
00:21:28.62\00:21:31.02
One of our most notable
scientists on the West Coast
00:21:31.05\00:21:37.19
that studies marital
satisfaction has found
00:21:37.23\00:21:41.03
that the ratio of criticism,
even constructive criticism,
00:21:41.06\00:21:45.67
the compliments, the
ratio should be what?
00:21:45.70\00:21:50.31
It should really be
1:5, in other words,
00:21:50.34\00:21:52.97
you should complement five times
more than you're criticized,
00:21:53.01\00:21:59.08
and this is
scientific, he has measured it.
00:21:59.11\00:22:01.58
What he has found is...
When the ratio of compliments
00:22:01.62\00:22:05.15
to criticism gets down to
1:1, they are just about ready
00:22:05.19\00:22:12.63
to start talking about
going their separate ways. Wow
00:22:12.66\00:22:16.93
You would have thought
1:1, a lot of people think
00:22:16.97\00:22:19.53
"Come on now, give her a
compliment for every time
00:22:19.57\00:22:21.17
I give her a
criticism, I'm doing good."
00:22:21.20\00:22:22.64
Not according to the research.
00:22:22.67\00:22:25.04
If you're not 5:1, you
are on dangerous ground.
00:22:25.07\00:22:29.84
Yeah... I was
going to say, that's one
00:22:30.41\00:22:31.75
of the things that I
actually try to do with her is
00:22:31.78\00:22:34.38
you know, I try to be
as complimentary as I can
00:22:34.42\00:22:36.99
with just about everything,
you know, whenever I notice
00:22:37.02\00:22:39.19
something that maybe most people
00:22:39.22\00:22:41.49
wouldn't give a thought to...
00:22:41.52\00:22:43.16
I'm like, "Oh, I see that
this is what you're doing,"
00:22:43.19\00:22:45.96
I encourage her, I like to
feel like - I'm helping make a
00:22:45.99\00:22:49.66
difference positively
in bringing her down. Yeah
00:22:49.70\00:22:52.67
I like that about you! I
bet you do, I bet you do.
00:22:52.70\00:22:56.50
You probably do the
same thing too. Yes, yes.
00:22:56.54\00:22:58.31
The reason why I'm guessing is
because, again, it's hormonal.
00:22:58.34\00:23:02.14
They found that
oxytocin actually causes
00:23:02.18\00:23:04.91
people to be more attentive.
00:23:04.95\00:23:06.28
They've actually done
experiments where they've
00:23:06.31\00:23:08.28
offered nasal spray to men
who were inattentive and then
00:23:08.32\00:23:12.59
once the men got the
nasal oxytocin spray,
00:23:12.62\00:23:15.66
they would go to their
wives and say, "Oh my gosh,
00:23:15.69\00:23:18.23
your eyes are blue and
when did you cut your hair,
00:23:18.26\00:23:21.56
I really like that."
00:23:21.60\00:23:23.06
That was the first time
that they had seen this,
00:23:23.10\00:23:24.83
and the wife said, "Well, I
had this like 6 months ago."
00:23:24.87\00:23:26.90
But that is the power of
oxytocin, so those of you that
00:23:27.70\00:23:29.94
are naturally high in oxytocin,
it's easier for you to be
00:23:29.97\00:23:33.01
attentive that way, but
it's absolutely essential.
00:23:33.04\00:23:36.68
We found that people who cannot
bring aspects of their own
00:23:36.71\00:23:40.62
lives under control - so
that it relieves their stress,
00:23:40.65\00:23:44.95
tend to want to
control someone else's.
00:23:44.99\00:23:49.19
If I have a whole lot of
things in my life that I just,
00:23:49.22\00:23:52.76
I'm trying but I'm not
getting anywhere with them,
00:23:52.79\00:23:55.30
then sometimes I might
think it's easier for me to try
00:23:55.33\00:23:58.10
with your life - I can
get you to comply quicker than
00:23:58.13\00:24:02.74
I can get myself to
comply with the very things that
00:24:02.77\00:24:04.71
I need to fix.
00:24:04.74\00:24:06.24
How aware are
they that they're...
00:24:06.27\00:24:09.61
They're not, oh they're not.
00:24:09.64\00:24:10.98
I was going to ask the
same thing. No, not at all.
00:24:11.01\00:24:12.85
They'll be aware now
when they view the program,
00:24:12.88\00:24:15.62
they'll be aware
when you share with them,
00:24:15.65\00:24:17.19
they'll be aware,
but most times they are
00:24:17.22\00:24:18.89
not aware at all.
00:24:18.92\00:24:21.09
If you keep overthrowing
your partner's plans in favor of
00:24:21.12\00:24:24.89
yours, you are controlling.
00:24:24.93\00:24:31.27
There has to be a time when
you are going to let her plans
00:24:31.30\00:24:33.84
stand and you're going
to say, "You know what,
00:24:33.87\00:24:35.77
honey, let's just do what
you want us to do tonight."
00:24:35.80\00:24:39.61
It does not always
have to be about you.
00:24:39.64\00:24:43.55
Let me ask you a
question to that end...
00:24:43.58\00:24:45.28
So if, because you
were talking about control,
00:24:45.31\00:24:47.98
and in a previous
segment I recall you saying that
00:24:48.02\00:24:51.79
you have the right to establish
your boundaries, it's okay,
00:24:51.82\00:24:56.93
"I want to wear
this, I don't want to
00:24:56.96\00:24:58.63
wear this and things like that.
00:24:58.66\00:25:00.00
So if you say to your
partner, "I want to stay in,"
00:25:00.03\00:25:03.16
but then she wants
to go out... you're not
00:25:03.20\00:25:04.73
stopping her from going out,
but she insists that you go out
00:25:04.77\00:25:07.37
with her, so how do you
draw that line right there.
00:25:07.40\00:25:09.30
Same rule... if every time
she wants to go out or often
00:25:09.34\00:25:14.01
that she wants to go
out, you want to stay at home,
00:25:14.04\00:25:17.88
that's controlling
behavior, mostly because
00:25:17.91\00:25:21.92
she wants to go
out with you. Okay
00:25:21.95\00:25:23.69
Now if she said, "I
want to go out, but you don't
00:25:23.72\00:25:26.05
have to come, it's okay,
I'll go with my girlfriends,"
00:25:26.09\00:25:30.86
that's different, but you
know that she probably doesn't
00:25:30.89\00:25:33.80
have a bunch of girlfriends,
she does not too many friends
00:25:33.83\00:25:35.93
out here and so
she's relying on you to go,
00:25:35.96\00:25:38.37
but you're
always tired or you're
00:25:38.40\00:25:39.73
a homebody and you
want to stay home...
00:25:39.77\00:25:41.14
It's okay to do that,
but not most of the time
00:25:41.17\00:25:44.57
or that becomes controlling
behavior or selfish behavior.
00:25:44.61\00:25:50.38
Also, no backhanded compliments,
backhanded compliments
00:25:50.41\00:25:54.58
you cannot say to your wife,
"Of course, you know you're not
00:25:54.62\00:25:57.32
as fat as you
used to be." Laughter
00:25:57.35\00:26:00.66
I know what you're
trying to say, but where are you
00:26:00.69\00:26:03.36
going to sleep tonight - I mean
on the sofa probably. Right?
00:26:03.39\00:26:06.59
Yeah, if you're
not already there.
00:26:06.63\00:26:09.70
Before we go to our
spiritual application,
00:26:09.73\00:26:11.43
I wanted to share one point,
I have spoken to many women
00:26:11.47\00:26:15.47
who said they could not
turn over the leadership
00:26:15.50\00:26:19.31
to their men because
they didn't trust his judgment
00:26:19.34\00:26:23.65
and that's a difficult
place to be - because the Bible
00:26:23.68\00:26:27.65
does imply that the
husband has the leadership role.
00:26:27.68\00:26:30.42
But if you don't trust
His judgment to do the right
00:26:30.45\00:26:33.99
thing for the
family, why would you want to
00:26:34.02\00:26:36.29
turn it over?
00:26:36.32\00:26:38.16
So before we go, I
wanted to talk about freedom.
00:26:38.19\00:26:40.83
You know the Bible says,
"Where the Spirit of the Lord
00:26:40.86\00:26:43.13
is, there is
liberty," 2 Corinthians 3:17
00:26:43.16\00:26:46.94
Freedom - wherever the
Spirit of the Lord is...
00:26:46.97\00:26:49.77
If you think the Spirit
of the Lord is in your home,
00:26:49.80\00:26:52.47
then guess what?
Your wife will tell her
00:26:52.51\00:26:56.04
friends, "I feel pretty free."
00:26:56.08\00:26:57.98
"My husband allows me
to be who I am." Right
00:26:58.01\00:27:01.08
If she says anything else,
then something is wrong with
00:27:01.12\00:27:04.92
your spirit walk.
00:27:04.95\00:27:06.96
Remember why Christ died.
00:27:06.99\00:27:08.79
Remember what
happened with Adam and Eve.
00:27:08.82\00:27:10.99
Remember Christ
thought so much about freedom
00:27:11.03\00:27:12.96
that He put that tree
in the Garden of Eden,
00:27:12.99\00:27:15.53
He didn't have to.
00:27:15.56\00:27:17.37
We wouldn't be
here today if he didn't,
00:27:17.40\00:27:19.53
but He did that
because of the value that He
00:27:19.57\00:27:22.00
places on freedom and it's
an affront to God, I think,
00:27:22.04\00:27:26.57
for anyone to feel
that they have a right
00:27:26.61\00:27:28.58
to control another human being
even if it's your wife. Right
00:27:28.61\00:27:33.75
It's not right, then
Christ died in vain because He
00:27:33.78\00:27:37.69
died so that she could be
free. Does that make sense?
00:27:37.72\00:27:40.89
It makes perfect
sense. And God doesn't even
00:27:40.92\00:27:42.49
force us to choose for Him.
00:27:42.52\00:27:44.39
No, He does not...
He doesn't even for us
00:27:44.43\00:27:47.73
to choose Him - even
that He allows up to us.
00:27:47.76\00:27:52.40
Even though He wants that,
but He gives us the free choice.
00:27:52.43\00:27:55.14
Absolutely.
00:27:55.17\00:27:56.67
So I would like to
thank you guys for being on
00:27:56.71\00:27:59.67
the program today and I am
going to see you both next time.
00:27:59.71\00:28:04.68