Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host Dr. John Jacob
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Today we have with us
Bianca, Sean and Miles.
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Welcome! Hello! Hi.
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I thought we could start today
with a discussion on "Change."
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So let me throw out a question.
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Do you believe that
you have the power to
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get your partner to change?
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Your date to
change. I don't think so.
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Not necessarily, but you can
be a positive influence on them.
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What do you think Bianca?
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I agree with that,
positive influence,
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you cannot change somebody. Yes
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So here's a fact though...
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It seems like not
everyone believes that. Right
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The majority of folks who
are contemplating divorce,
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when you ask them, "Well,
why did you marry this man?"
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The majority of them would say,
"I thought I could change him."
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"I really thought
I could change him,
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I thought he
would change for love."
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And as we know now,
that seldom happens.
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That's why there's so
much trouble. Exactly!
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When you fall in
love with someone,
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you want to change for
them and unfortunately,
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you often believe that
they would do the same for you.
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But that's kind of tied in
to the person's personality
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so you will never be sure
that someone will change for you
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as much as you
will change for them.
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"So, I can change
him." You guys are going to
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strike that out
of your vocabulary.
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Bianca you're not
going to believe that,
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you're not going to say that,
you're not going to go there.
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Now let me turn that
on its head for you...
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Now there is a principle called
"The Michelangelo Effect,"
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and basically,
this is how it works...
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When two people fall in
love, they actually change
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for each other. Okay
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So the guy changes how he
does things, how he says things,
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and changes so that he
could fit in, be a better match,
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for the person that he
is truly interested in,
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and she does the same for him
and sometimes it's remarkable
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changes because, you
know, when you talk about
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Michelangelo, he was a sculptor.
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So when you think
about someone chiseling you,
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sculpting, it could
be some painful changes,
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but two people are able
to do that for each other
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and willing to do it for
each other if they are truly
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interested in each other.
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So how do you know
that's actually something that's
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going to stay?
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You don't. Man!
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But you will recall on
the XY Personality test,
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there is an
adaptability measure. Right
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An adaptability really
tells you about the person,
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not about the
process that you're going
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through at the time.
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It tells you this
person, with or without you,
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is a change agent, this
is someone who naturally
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adjusts and changes
and is flexible enough to
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make the adjustments
that you might need. Okay
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So you could find
that out, obviously,
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before you decide to
date him, you know. Good!
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So if the results came
back showing that he was
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very unlikely to
adapt or adjust...
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And if he looks
like he's changing,
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like that's
probably not going to stick,
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and it's not in his nature.
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It's not in his
nature, very good.
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That's exactly right - it has
to be in the person's nature,
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which means - it has to be part
of their personality. Right?
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So that's how you
can find that out.
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There are other young
ladies who believe that
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pregnancy will change a guy.
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As-a-matter-fact, it is
the root cause for a lot of
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premarital pregnancies.
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They really think,
"If I give him a child,
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he's going to change.
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If I give him a
child, he's going to propose,
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and the truth of the matter is,
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in fact, it very often
has the opposite effect.
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We've talked about vasopressin
and vasopressin works
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well if a man and men usually
have that hormone, right?
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You guys are loaded
with vasopressin? Um hm
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Vasopressin usually works
if you're truly interested
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in the individual.
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But if you're not,
just like Miles says,
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it has the opposite effect. Okay
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Be out! Yeah,
you're going to want
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to leave, so "change" -
you'll want to have the person
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change before
the hormones run out.
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Remember, you have
between 3 months and 2 years
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on average, of dating
time, during which hormones
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are raging and those hormones
are what make it possible
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for someone to change. Okay
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So what you want to do
is, you want to make sure
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that you're assertive enough
and this is something that
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very few people do
when they're dating.
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When people are
dating, they agree
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with everything
that the person says.
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They're afraid to say,
"I don't like it this way."
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They don't want to chase
them off... They don't want
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to chase them off. Be
on your best behavior.
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Exactly, and if you
waited 6 months for someone to
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come by, you know, or 2 years...
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I've known of some
friends that waited 2 years
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for the next date...
are you going to want to
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chase them off because you
don't eat at this particular
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restaurant - you don't like
this particular restaurant and
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this is their
favorite restaurant...
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so you don't say
anything. They're going to slow.
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Yeah, you don't say anything.
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Well, you don't like
that food and maybe you should
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tell them that
you're vegetarian, you know,
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that's important to know.
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Why hide that?
That's something that is
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going to come out
eventually. Right?
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But sometimes we don't do
that because we're trying again
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to hold on to the
person and not chase them off.
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But it's the exact
opposite of what you should do,
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you should be assertive
enough to say, "I don't really
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like this," you
know, gently, sensitively,
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not bluntly, but you want
to say it then because then
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is when they have
all the hormones at their
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disposal to make
that change possible.
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But what hormones are
working in the individual that
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tends to do as what you
said, they don't want to
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necessarily reveal that
they don't like a particular
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type of male or that they are
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are vegetarian,
what hormones is working?
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Oh, a hormone isn't
causing that, that is just
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a lack of assertiveness. Okay.
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Yeah, and what causes that
also is your personality type.
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We found out Y-types
are more likely to say,
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"I am not comfortable with
this, this doesn't work for me,"
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but X-types, remember X-types
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are more adapting
of the personality.
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So X-types tend to say, "You
know, hey, maybe I'll change
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his mind after we get married,
maybe I'll let him know then
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that I am a vegetarian and that
I want him to be one too." Okay
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Hmm, that's allowing
the fact that they want
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them to be one too - is
the part that they're kind of
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holding off until later on.
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Until later on and talk to
your friends, you'll find out
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how many of them are waiting
until later on to tell their
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partners what they really want
or what they really dislike.
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Okay? And then we
have lifestyle changes.
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This one is a
little bit complicated,
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but this is how it works...
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When you meet someone,
if their lifestyle is so
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different from your lifestyle,
that they are going to have to
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make a lifestyle
change to be with you,
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it's probably not going to work.
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Question... So that
person would likely be an X
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who makes that lifestyle change
just to be in a relationship?
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Most likely. That's interesting.
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But if you're a
Y-type and I know you guys
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are both Xs, but if you were Ys,
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Ys often expect the
X-type person to make that
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kind of change, but
it's a mistake. Right
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They both need to be able
to, the X needs to remember
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not to change so completely
because on the one hand,
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you can end up kind of deceiving
the person for a little while
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because then,
eventually, you might
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just go right back
to where you were at.
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If the Y-type isn't willing
to make those adjustments,
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then that's a problem too.
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Yeah, that's a good observation.
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We have a lot of Y-types
who say, "Why didn't you tell me
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that you didn't like this?
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You pretended all this time,
a couple of years while we were
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dating and you're
going to tell me now
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that you don't want
children? Hello! Yeah!
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Yeah, so and they feel deceived.
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So X-types really have
a lot of work, you guys...
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You Xs, you have a lot of
work to do with being "honest,"
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being candid
and being assertive.
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It's best to speak up
in the beginning. Yeah!
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But you want to do it
gently and sensitively. Um hm
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And you don't want
to come across as having
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20 things that you just
wouldn't have any part of. Right
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You know, the person is
going to begin to think that
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you're a bit of a stick-in-the-
mud and then probably
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move on because
you're too difficult,
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you know, too many
changes. Okay. All right?
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So I want to share a few
things with you that you cannot
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change about your
partner. All right.
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So that you guys won't
even bother to try, right?
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I spoke about it. Yeah
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Okay, so you cannot
change the fact that your
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partner will
change. Okay. Okay. Yeah
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Not necessarily in the
way that you might want. Um hm
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Now, a lot of people, if
you ask folks out in the street,
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they will say, "I don't
believe that I will change."
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The majority of people do not
believe that they will change.
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So if you ask
them 10 years from now,
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"Do you think there
will be any major changes
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to who you are and what
you do and what you like?"
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Nine times out of 10,
the individual will say, "No,
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I am who I am, I like who I
am, I'm not going to change."
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When they did the
research, what they found is...
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10 years later,
almost everybody has changed.
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That's growth
right? Change is growth.
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Sometimes!
Sometimes it's just a change.
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Some people were extroverts,
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and then 10 years later, they
looked more like introverts.
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Whether or not
they are true introverts
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or they've adapted
is beside the point.
00:09:52.59\00:09:54.16
The point is they're not
who they were 10 years ago.
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So if you fell in
love with an extrovert,
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and you're not adaptable,
10 years from that point
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that person is an introvert,
00:10:04.03\00:10:05.67
how are you going
to handle that? Right
00:10:05.70\00:10:07.80
So you're better off not
assuming that your partner
00:10:07.84\00:10:11.04
will not change in
any way. People choose.
00:10:11.07\00:10:13.51
Like marrying a
statue. Exactly! Exactly!
00:10:13.54\00:10:16.18
Health habits for instance...
00:10:16.21\00:10:18.35
People take on
exercise regimens and sometimes
00:10:18.38\00:10:23.28
people will become
vegetarian or you may marry a
00:10:23.32\00:10:26.55
vegetarian and then she decides
she wants to be a vegan. Right
00:10:26.59\00:10:29.66
How are you going to handle
that if you're not convicted,
00:10:29.69\00:10:31.89
you know, in that way?
00:10:31.93\00:10:34.20
So you need to keep in
your mind that your partner is
00:10:34.23\00:10:36.77
likely to change and you need
00:10:36.80\00:10:38.13
to be flexible enough
to roll with that. Okay
00:10:38.17\00:10:41.07
You can change their
brain, but not their mind.
00:10:41.10\00:10:45.21
I don't know if you've ever
tried to change somebody's mind.
00:10:45.24\00:10:48.84
You know, you have an opinion
and you're arguing your point,
00:10:48.88\00:10:52.11
how often - at the end of
your argument does one say,
00:10:52.15\00:10:55.32
"You know, I didn't see it that
way, you are so right, Sean,
00:10:55.35\00:10:58.75
what was I thinking?"
00:10:58.79\00:11:00.12
It only works a
few times. A few times!
00:11:00.16\00:11:02.86
I think it works more if it's
not necessarily an argument,
00:11:02.89\00:11:05.56
but if it's like a
discussion about something,
00:11:05.59\00:11:07.53
an open discussion,
then you are more likely to
00:11:07.56\00:11:10.00
your opinion or
your mind could change,
00:11:10.03\00:11:12.83
but if it's just a
straight argument, then...
00:11:12.87\00:11:14.60
Yeah, it's rare and you're right
especially when you're arguing,
00:11:14.64\00:11:17.14
and I'm glad you mentioned
that because you remember I said
00:11:17.17\00:11:19.64
you could change their
brain, but not their mind.
00:11:19.67\00:11:23.01
You change somebody's brain
when you interact with them.
00:11:23.04\00:11:26.21
So every time you
interact with someone,
00:11:26.25\00:11:28.08
you change their brain.
00:11:28.12\00:11:29.45
So, it could be a positive
change because your interaction
00:11:29.48\00:11:31.75
was positive or it could
be a negative change because
00:11:31.79\00:11:35.09
you were harsh
and you were critical.
00:11:35.12\00:11:36.73
You understand how that... okay.
00:11:36.76\00:11:38.99
So now just to clarify,
I guess, that difference
00:11:39.03\00:11:41.76
between mind and
brain because a lot of us
00:11:41.80\00:11:43.93
would think that this...
00:11:43.97\00:11:45.77
Yeah, when I
talk about the brain,
00:11:45.80\00:11:47.14
I talk about the physical brain,
00:11:47.17\00:11:48.50
and when I talk about the
mind, I talk about, you know,
00:11:48.54\00:11:51.41
the cliché that we use
about, "Can you change my mind,"
00:11:51.44\00:11:54.28
"No, you can't,"
that kind of thing.
00:11:54.31\00:11:55.64
Okay. So that's the difference.
00:11:55.68\00:11:57.18
You cannot change
your partner's character
00:11:57.21\00:11:59.51
and you cannot
change their belief.
00:11:59.55\00:12:04.19
So, you can change the behavior.
00:12:04.22\00:12:06.55
Like you could say, "I
don't like when you do this,"
00:12:06.59\00:12:09.52
and you can get them to
change, but it doesn't mean that
00:12:09.56\00:12:11.59
you change their
belief about it. Um hm
00:12:11.63\00:12:13.56
You cannot change your
partner's family connections.
00:12:15.13\00:12:19.07
In other words, how your partner
feels about their family,
00:12:19.10\00:12:21.90
how often they should
speak, how often they should
00:12:21.94\00:12:23.71
see each other - they should
not ever hope to change that.
00:12:23.74\00:12:26.31
And if you do end up changing
that, then that's probably
00:12:26.34\00:12:29.44
too much control to have
of them. Exactly, exactly.
00:12:29.48\00:12:32.88
Convictions
about having children
00:12:32.91\00:12:35.62
are very hard to change.
00:12:35.65\00:12:36.99
Please find out whether
or not the person that you're
00:12:37.02\00:12:39.05
interested in is
interested in having children.
00:12:39.09\00:12:41.36
If you want 6
children, you shouldn't get
00:12:41.39\00:12:43.66
with someone who
wants zero or one.
00:12:43.69\00:12:45.59
Well how far into the
relationship should that
00:12:45.63\00:12:48.03
be brought up - in
the beginning or like...
00:12:48.06\00:12:50.43
No, not very
early and it changes...
00:12:50.47\00:12:53.94
Some people get
into relationships where
00:12:53.97\00:12:56.04
there is a lot more interaction,
so if there isn't a whole lot
00:12:56.07\00:12:58.81
of sharing and
disclosing, you wouldn't want to
00:12:58.84\00:13:00.94
bring that up on the
second date, you know,
00:13:00.98\00:13:03.14
so you could judge it that way.
00:13:03.18\00:13:04.68
We've talked about this...
you cannot change someone's
00:13:04.71\00:13:07.78
relationship needs.
00:13:07.82\00:13:09.15
Those are
determined by your personality,
00:13:09.18\00:13:10.95
and those tend
to be very stable.
00:13:10.99\00:13:14.52
Those are
determined even prenatally
00:13:14.56\00:13:17.09
before you were even born,
so they're not really influenced
00:13:17.13\00:13:22.83
easily by what
someone says and what someone
00:13:22.86\00:13:25.37
does or even by parenting.
00:13:25.40\00:13:26.87
So, you know, keep that in mind.
00:13:26.90\00:13:28.80
Your partner's blueprint...
If your partner is a Y-type,
00:13:28.84\00:13:31.54
don't hope to
change their blueprint.
00:13:31.57\00:13:34.78
I have spoken to so many
young women that have dated men
00:13:34.81\00:13:37.01
for 3, 4, 5 years thinking
that they would be the one,
00:13:37.05\00:13:40.28
and they can change who
he says he wants to be with
00:13:40.32\00:13:42.98
for the rest of his life.
00:13:43.02\00:13:44.35
But that, for
Y-types, does not change,
00:13:44.39\00:13:46.76
it's like a road map.
00:13:46.79\00:13:48.12
If you push too hard against
somebody's idea of something,
00:13:48.16\00:13:51.53
they're going to even...
it's like you get even more
00:13:51.56\00:13:55.73
entrenched in your
idea, like you're not going to
00:13:55.76\00:13:57.87
change how I think! Exactly!
00:13:57.90\00:13:59.27
Exactly and that's
what they tell you.
00:13:59.30\00:14:01.10
Sometimes they
don't say anything.
00:14:01.14\00:14:03.07
A lot of people don't
flash their blueprint,
00:14:03.10\00:14:04.81
no one holds their blueprint
out, "This is what I like,
00:14:04.84\00:14:06.84
you're with me right
now, but I want you to know
00:14:06.88\00:14:09.01
you're not who I want to be
with for the rest of my life."
00:14:09.04\00:14:11.78
So you want to try and
find that out and how do you
00:14:11.81\00:14:13.92
find that out...
look at their history.
00:14:13.95\00:14:15.38
Who have they dated before you?
00:14:15.42\00:14:16.99
That gives you a good
idea. Some homework. Yeah
00:14:17.49\00:14:20.32
You cannot change your
partner's relationship to money.
00:14:20.36\00:14:25.96
You know, the guy's a big
spender and you like the fact
00:14:25.99\00:14:27.73
that he has a flashy
car and he has nice clothes,
00:14:27.76\00:14:30.47
and you're thinking,
"Well this is going to be a good
00:14:30.50\00:14:34.37
partner, a good mate,"
and then you get into the
00:14:34.40\00:14:36.74
marriage and he's
still spending the same way,
00:14:36.77\00:14:38.47
but now you guys have children
00:14:38.51\00:14:39.84
and you thought that that
would change, but it doesn't.
00:14:39.87\00:14:44.15
And lastly, you cannot change
someone's religious beliefs
00:14:44.18\00:14:47.82
or political affiliations
and you shouldn't try.
00:14:47.85\00:14:51.25
I'm sure you've heard from
your parents that those are
00:14:51.29\00:14:53.86
two things that you shouldn't
discuss, but those are also
00:14:53.89\00:14:55.66
two things you
shouldn't hope to change.
00:14:55.69\00:14:57.59
They would have to
change those themselves,
00:14:57.63\00:14:58.96
but you have no
power to do that. Right
00:14:58.99\00:15:00.86
It feels like those two
things you would really, really
00:15:00.90\00:15:03.70
have to discuss because people
get very passionate about it,
00:15:03.73\00:15:06.87
and if you are really
butting heads on that,
00:15:06.90\00:15:10.11
then that can bring a
lot of turmoil. Absolutely.
00:15:10.14\00:15:13.48
So, you guys keep in mind those
10 things and I think you'll
00:15:13.51\00:15:17.38
do just fine.
All right, thank you!
00:15:17.41\00:15:19.45
See you next time! Thanks
00:15:19.48\00:15:24.45
Hello and welcome
back to "Road to Romance"
00:15:27.19\00:15:30.03
Joining us again
is Vania and Jeremiah.
00:15:30.06\00:15:33.16
Welcome! Thank
you. Nice to be back!
00:15:33.19\00:15:35.10
So today we are
going to talk about change.
00:15:35.13\00:15:38.03
By now, I know that you
guys probably know as much about
00:15:38.07\00:15:41.24
change as I do, 2-1/2 years you
said, into the marriage. Yes!
00:15:41.27\00:15:45.01
So you guys have already made
00:15:45.04\00:15:47.61
some changes for
each other, right? Right?
00:15:47.64\00:15:49.88
For the sake of the marriage.
00:15:49.94\00:15:51.28
For the sake of your
marriage, exactly, right?
00:15:51.31\00:15:53.25
It's not going to
work without it. Right
00:15:53.28\00:15:55.28
So, yeah. So let's
start with a principle.
00:15:55.32\00:15:58.39
This scientist came up
with something that she called
00:15:58.42\00:16:00.69
"WOOP" and it is "Wishes,
Obstacles, Outcome and Planning"
00:16:00.72\00:16:07.66
And so basically what she
says is whenever change occurs,
00:16:07.70\00:16:10.53
it has to be
intentional. Okay. Yeah
00:16:10.57\00:16:14.24
A lot of people feel that
you can ask someone to change.
00:16:14.27\00:16:17.77
"I really would like
you to stop doing that,"
00:16:17.81\00:16:21.48
and you expect
by the next morning,
00:16:21.51\00:16:23.28
she's no longer doing it. Right
00:16:23.31\00:16:25.11
It doesn't work that way.
00:16:25.15\00:16:26.82
That is called
"wishful thinking."
00:16:26.85\00:16:28.48
Exactly! He's right, this
is exactly what she is doing.
00:16:28.52\00:16:32.55
She actually put out her
theories there to counteract
00:16:32.59\00:16:37.99
the whole concept
of positive thinking.
00:16:38.03\00:16:40.36
So she actually said
"positive thinking doesn't work
00:16:40.40\00:16:43.03
the way people think it
does, that if you maintain
00:16:43.06\00:16:46.57
positive thoughts throughout
the day about a specific thing,
00:16:46.60\00:16:50.57
the outcome will be different,
it's going to change...
00:16:50.61\00:16:53.38
And she is saying, "No it's
not, it's not going to change,
00:16:53.41\00:16:56.14
not because you
thought positively about it."
00:16:56.18\00:16:58.31
You have to be
intentional, you have to do some
00:16:58.35\00:17:00.65
specific things - you
have to have, of course,
00:17:00.68\00:17:03.99
the wishes, you
know, like the goal...
00:17:04.02\00:17:05.79
What it is that
you want to accomplish,
00:17:05.82\00:17:07.92
and then what are the obstacles?
00:17:07.96\00:17:09.86
Every time you ask
Vania to make a change,
00:17:09.89\00:17:12.19
you need to keep in mind
that there is an obstacle,
00:17:12.23\00:17:14.63
there's something that prevents
her from naturally doing
00:17:14.66\00:17:18.50
what you've asked her to do.
00:17:18.53\00:17:20.60
So it's a process which prevents
you from coming across as,
00:17:20.64\00:17:24.87
you know, demanding and
commanding realizing that
00:17:24.91\00:17:28.14
this is probably something that
00:17:28.18\00:17:29.51
is an ingrained
habit that she has.
00:17:29.54\00:17:32.81
Now we've been told that
97% of all the things you do
00:17:32.85\00:17:37.15
are habitual - already
ingrained in your brain...
00:17:37.19\00:17:41.66
97% - think about that!
00:17:41.69\00:17:43.46
The next time, Vania,
you ask Jeremiah to change
00:17:43.49\00:17:46.23
a specific thing that he
does, a specific routine,
00:17:46.26\00:17:49.40
something that he's
done for the last 30 years,
00:17:49.43\00:17:50.97
keep in mind that that's already
made some grooves in his brain
00:17:51.00\00:17:54.87
and 97% of the time,
that will be the problem. Okay
00:17:54.90\00:17:59.34
All right? Now, habits - they
say some habits are real easy
00:17:59.37\00:18:03.24
break - some habits can actually
be broken instantaneously,
00:18:03.28\00:18:06.18
just like that -
you ask and the person
00:18:06.21\00:18:08.85
looks at them and thinks,
"Oh, okay, I could change that,
00:18:08.88\00:18:13.15
that is not an ingrained habit."
00:18:13.19\00:18:15.96
Some habits take a little
more time - so you read in some
00:18:15.99\00:18:18.96
books that a habit would take
21 days to reverse or to change,
00:18:18.99\00:18:24.83
but then you read in
other books that some habits
00:18:24.87\00:18:26.84
9-1/2 weeks on average.
00:18:26.87\00:18:28.90
So you can see
that some habits are
00:18:28.94\00:18:30.27
more difficult
than others. Right?
00:18:30.31\00:18:33.14
So, you give your partner
time when you ask them to,
00:18:33.17\00:18:35.64
you know, make some changes.
00:18:35.68\00:18:38.81
Now here's a really
interesting tidbit...
00:18:38.85\00:18:42.92
Marital satisfaction decreases
as the changes requested are
00:18:42.95\00:18:47.69
required by your
partner increases.
00:18:47.72\00:18:51.79
So, marital satisfaction
will go down as the changes
00:18:51.83\00:18:56.97
that you asked
Vania to make go up.
00:18:57.00\00:19:00.94
It makes sense. Yeah
00:19:00.97\00:19:02.54
She will become more
and more unhappy with you
00:19:02.57\00:19:07.28
if you keep asking her to
make more and more changes
00:19:07.31\00:19:11.38
which is why it's so important
to do what you guys did
00:19:11.41\00:19:14.72
which is to check
your partner out before
00:19:14.75\00:19:17.19
you make that decision.
00:19:17.22\00:19:19.49
I think it also has to do
with the way he approaches me
00:19:19.52\00:19:23.66
because like if he
approaches me in a loving way,
00:19:23.69\00:19:26.80
then my reaction will be
different... like I would be
00:19:26.83\00:19:30.17
more willing to do the changes,
and if it's like changes that
00:19:30.20\00:19:34.14
I want to see in
myself too... Right!
00:19:34.17\00:19:36.50
you know, so because there are
things that you want to change
00:19:36.54\00:19:39.31
about yourself too and
then there are changes that
00:19:39.34\00:19:42.24
you don't want to make,
so I think it's a combination
00:19:42.28\00:19:45.11
of what you want
to see in yourself,
00:19:45.15\00:19:47.88
and the way he
would approach me.
00:19:47.92\00:19:51.12
All right, I
appreciate what you said,
00:19:51.15\00:19:52.79
it's just to that end
because you said, just now, that
00:19:53.32\00:19:57.73
the more changes that I
ask of her, the more the
00:19:57.76\00:20:03.77
dissatisfaction with the
marriage is going to occur.
00:20:03.80\00:20:06.33
So, when I think about that,
I'm sure, like, when we were
00:20:06.37\00:20:10.31
courting each other - when we
were going through that stage,
00:20:10.34\00:20:12.61
we tied a lot of conversations
about things that we would
00:20:12.64\00:20:15.28
want to avoid and
different things like that,
00:20:15.31\00:20:17.75
and certain things,
but at the end of the day,
00:20:17.78\00:20:19.21
there are certain
things that you won't know
00:20:19.25\00:20:21.32
until you get into the marriage.
00:20:21.35\00:20:22.78
I think you had said
previously like if - you know,
00:20:22.82\00:20:25.45
I wake up and the
toothpaste is always
00:20:25.49\00:20:27.79
squeezed out in
the middle, so for me,
00:20:27.82\00:20:30.36
I won't know these
things until that point and then
00:20:30.39\00:20:32.59
with different stages
like say - somebody has a job,
00:20:32.63\00:20:34.73
they lose that job -
that's going to require people
00:20:34.76\00:20:36.83
to have to adjust to
those things, so then there are
00:20:36.87\00:20:38.47
are going to be some other
changes that have to be made.
00:20:38.50\00:20:40.67
So that's how I see it,
so some of these changes
00:20:40.70\00:20:43.34
you can't
actually talk about it.
00:20:43.37\00:20:45.61
Yeah, you cannot
predict everything which is why
00:20:45.64\00:20:47.81
adaptability is so important as
as a trait for couples to have.
00:20:47.84\00:20:52.41
High adaptability because you
have to adapt to so many things.
00:20:52.45\00:20:55.48
But still, I want
you to keep in mind that
00:20:55.52\00:20:58.29
changes - they found
that they're like a reservoir.
00:20:58.32\00:21:01.89
So you have a certain
amount of water in a reservoir,
00:21:01.92\00:21:05.06
it's just finite and so
changes are the same except that
00:21:05.09\00:21:08.53
you don't know how many
changes she has in her bin
00:21:08.56\00:21:11.77
or her bucket
there, you have no idea.
00:21:11.80\00:21:14.54
So you want to make sure
that you prioritize the changes
00:21:14.57\00:21:17.61
that you're asking her to make.
00:21:17.64\00:21:19.27
You know, some people make
a fuss about whether or not
00:21:19.31\00:21:21.91
their partner has made up the
bed after he's left the house...
00:21:21.94\00:21:25.18
even though they
never let anyone into their
00:21:25.21\00:21:27.35
master bedroom - not even
the kids, not even the dog.
00:21:27.38\00:21:30.25
Nobody goes into
the master bedroom.
00:21:30.29\00:21:31.72
So, you want to prioritize
this - is this the hill
00:21:31.75\00:21:34.59
that I want to die on,
as people say, you know?
00:21:34.62\00:21:36.96
Knowing g that she has a
limited finite amount of changes
00:21:36.99\00:21:40.23
that she will make
before she begins to
00:21:40.26\00:21:42.63
feel that this is too much...
00:21:42.66\00:21:44.07
Yeah, it's funny
because I would tell him like
00:21:44.10\00:21:46.60
"it's not a
priority," you know, like...
00:21:46.63\00:21:49.44
it's not important," you
know, like "let's focus on the
00:21:49.47\00:21:53.24
more important things."
00:21:53.27\00:21:54.68
Don't sweat the
small stuff. Yeah!
00:21:54.71\00:21:56.34
Yeah, well that's
good, I like that,
00:21:56.38\00:21:58.01
it's not a priority Jeremiah.
00:21:58.05\00:21:59.51
Not a priority - I
gotta pick my battles. Yeah!
00:21:59.55\00:22:01.68
Absolutely! Absolutely!
00:22:01.72\00:22:03.79
Okay, also the best time,
of course, to negotiate change
00:22:03.82\00:22:06.76
is before marriage
and not before sleep. Okay
00:22:06.79\00:22:12.03
You shouldn't be
discussing heavy things that can
00:22:12.06\00:22:16.87
lead to conflict just
before you go to bed. Okay
00:22:16.90\00:22:19.73
Because you're going to
be very tired and, you know,
00:22:19.77\00:22:22.44
there's no point to
it, you're already on edge,
00:22:22.47\00:22:23.87
you know, tired from
the day and also, of course,
00:22:23.91\00:22:27.54
hopefully you guys
negotiated a lot of this before
00:22:27.58\00:22:29.81
you went to the altar
because that was the time
00:22:29.84\00:22:32.68
that it was the
easiest, remember the hormones
00:22:32.71\00:22:34.35
make it really easy
during that time. Right. Yeah.
00:22:34.38\00:22:37.15
Okay and you also
want to practice something
00:22:37.19\00:22:41.32
called "neurogenesis" which
is the growing of the neurons...
00:22:41.36\00:22:44.99
So change is best or more
successful when it involves
00:22:45.03\00:22:49.56
growth in the brain -
brain cells and you do that
00:22:49.60\00:22:53.30
by learning new things which
is why it's always a good idea
00:22:53.34\00:22:56.40
to go and take a class
or a course together about
00:22:56.44\00:22:58.84
you know -
marriage-type stuff, right?
00:22:58.87\00:23:02.41
You want to exercise together.
00:23:02.44\00:23:04.25
That also grows the neurons.
00:23:04.28\00:23:05.71
You want to travel together.
00:23:05.75\00:23:07.32
You want to have
new experiences because
00:23:07.35\00:23:09.48
new experiences actually
bond you guys and make it
00:23:09.52\00:23:12.79
easier for
change of other types.
00:23:12.82\00:23:15.39
Okay, I have a question...
Like, those experiences
00:23:15.42\00:23:17.83
need to be done together?
00:23:17.86\00:23:19.83
What if I do something and
he does something and we share?
00:23:19.86\00:23:23.13
Does it have the same effect or
00:23:23.16\00:23:24.50
is it literally
about doing it together?
00:23:24.53\00:23:26.27
Things that you
guys need to do together.
00:23:26.30\00:23:28.10
It involves change that
both of you are interested in.
00:23:28.14\00:23:30.47
Okay. That makes sense. Yeah
00:23:30.51\00:23:32.21
Okay, also you want to
make sure that... well here's
00:23:32.24\00:23:37.15
another tidbit - they
believe that blueberries,
00:23:37.18\00:23:40.12
eating blueberries
facilitates change.
00:23:40.15\00:23:43.08
Ooo, I eat a lot of
blueberries! Laughter!
00:23:43.12\00:23:45.52
Look at that! Well
Jeremiah is a happy guy!
00:23:45.55\00:23:47.96
He's a happy man
in that case. I do!
00:23:47.99\00:23:50.49
So you probably
change more... if it's true.
00:23:50.53\00:23:52.09
I even have
blueberries in the freezer.
00:23:52.13\00:23:53.76
Laughter
00:23:53.80\00:23:55.70
Well, very good, very good!
00:23:55.73\00:23:57.17
Before we conclude,
I just wanted to say...
00:23:57.20\00:24:01.34
Very often the husband
is the one that believes
00:24:01.37\00:24:04.51
that the wife has to
make all the changes.
00:24:04.54\00:24:07.44
This is tradition - it's handed
down from our forefathers,
00:24:07.48\00:24:11.98
but it's not
necessarily correct.
00:24:12.01\00:24:14.05
I know it's not true -
when I look at, for instance,
00:24:14.08\00:24:16.89
Ephesians 5:21- it talks about
husbands and wives and it says:
00:24:16.92\00:24:22.66
"Submit to one another out
of reverence for Christ." Right?
00:24:23.66\00:24:30.17
So it's encouraging, both
you and your wife to submit
00:24:30.20\00:24:35.74
to each other.
00:24:35.77\00:24:37.11
Now, most people jump
down to the other verses,
00:24:37.14\00:24:40.14
verse 24, verse 25- where
it says: "Wives submit to your
00:24:40.18\00:24:46.15
husband" - I mean this is
the scripture that you get
00:24:46.18\00:24:48.58
quoted over and over and
over and over in sermons, right?
00:24:48.62\00:24:51.32
But they neglect to go a
little higher when it says,
00:24:51.35\00:24:53.92
"Hey, you guys have to
both submit to each other,
00:24:53.96\00:24:56.16
this goes both
ways, not one way."
00:24:56.19\00:24:59.69
And also, I think what
God had in mind when He said,
00:24:59.73\00:25:02.66
"Submit to each
other," He obviously knew that
00:25:02.70\00:25:06.00
the majority of differences
and conflict that you guys will
00:25:06.03\00:25:09.70
have - in fact they
say over 70% of differences
00:25:09.74\00:25:13.71
cannot be resolved...
Why? think about that.
00:25:13.74\00:25:16.91
If 70% of the things that
you guys argue about cannot
00:25:16.95\00:25:19.81
be resolved - how do you fix it?
00:25:19.85\00:25:22.78
You fix it with submission.
00:25:22.82\00:25:25.59
You fix it with you realizing
that sometimes you just
00:25:25.62\00:25:27.49
have to give in. Exactly! Um hm
00:25:27.52\00:25:29.69
And you also - the same. Um hm
00:25:29.72\00:25:32.66
You're just going to have to
give in - you're not going to
00:25:32.69\00:25:34.33
be able to argue your
way through to everything.
00:25:34.70\00:25:36.33
You don't need to
understand everything.
00:25:36.36\00:25:37.93
You just need to learn to accept
certain things. Absolutely!
00:25:37.97\00:25:40.24
Trying to understand everything,
that's a huge mistake. Yeah
00:25:41.04\00:25:44.47
Just accept - so you
guys doing the submission?
00:25:44.51\00:25:49.88
Are you practicing that?
00:25:49.91\00:25:51.25
Like I said earlier - for the
sake of the marriage. Laughter
00:25:51.28\00:25:54.85
Very good. We do
our best, yes. Strong.
00:25:54.88\00:25:56.38
So I want to thank
you again for joining me
00:25:56.89\00:25:59.65
and I'll see you
next time. Thank you
00:25:59.69\00:26:03.73