Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Sean Brereton, Miles Rashad, Bianca Acosta, Jeremiah Dieujuste, Vania Dieujuste
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000021A
|
00:01 On the Road 2 Romance, research shows that
00:04 X's need affection, but Y's are private. 00:08 X's seek to have connectedness, while Y's there are solitude, 00:12 and X's want empathy, Y's need their loyalty. 00:16 Journey with us 00:18 as we study and explore this Road 2 Romance. 00:22 Hello, and welcome to Road 2 Romance. 00:25 I am your host Dr. John Jacob. 00:27 Today we have with us Sean, Bianca, and Miles. 00:30 Welcome. Hello. 00:31 Good to be back. 00:33 So I get this question very, very often, "So Dr Jacob, 00:37 is personality be only thing that effects relationships?" 00:40 And of course, 00:42 I'm sure you guys know what the answer to that. 00:44 No. No, it's impossible. 00:46 There are at least four other categories, 00:48 four other areas that really affect how you choose a mate 00:52 and also affects whether or not 00:54 the relationship will succeed or fail. 00:56 So let me give you those five 00:58 and today, we will start with the first one, 01:01 Personality. 01:02 We've been talking about personality 01:04 and we will deal with that a little more today, okay? 01:07 Parenting, you must know that your parenting, 01:11 how your parents parented you will affect. 01:13 Yes, sure. Correct. 01:15 Right, definitely. 01:16 Some of the choices that you make 01:17 and it also affects the person that you are, 01:19 the person that you became as an adult, right? 01:22 Pathology, which is to say mental health problems, 01:27 psychological problems. 01:29 Those would also affect how your relationship turns out. 01:33 And then the past, our past events. 01:35 We've all been through something in our past 01:38 that has either changed the course of our lives 01:41 or changed who we are to some extent. 01:43 So we'll talk about that 01:45 and then the last is Epigenetics 01:47 which is the branch of genetics 01:48 that we'll also discuss eventually. 01:50 Is that supposed to be one of the five Ps? 01:53 I was thinking the same thing. 01:54 Right, I was waiting for somebody to explain that out. 01:56 I was thinking the same thing. 01:57 I cheated a little bit, you see, Epigenetics. 01:59 You put most of the emphasis on a P. 02:01 Okay. 02:02 Yeah, so, you know, good, you're paying attention. 02:05 All right so, yes, my last one is a fake P 02:08 but, you know, Epigenetics. 02:09 So we have five and we will talk about personality 02:11 and here's the interesting thing, 02:13 we have been talking about X-Y personality, right? 02:15 Right. 02:16 Okay, about 75% of all males are Y-type 02:22 and about 25 to 30% of women are X-type. 02:26 Wait. 02:27 Is that correct, is anybody gonna correct me? 02:29 No, that's not right, that's not right. 02:30 You said 25% was X-type. 02:32 I say 25% of men are X-type. 02:35 There we go. 02:37 Right, good, so you're paying attention. 02:39 75% of... That's the quiz. 02:41 Okay, all right, good. 02:42 So, good, so I want you guys to get this right 02:44 because this is why this is important. 02:46 We have two guys here in our program that are both X-types. 02:52 Defying the statistics... 02:53 Defying the statistics, exactly, exactly. 02:56 Only 25% of you should be X-type. 02:59 But here we have... 03:00 only two guys in our program and you guys are both X-type. 03:04 And still defying the statistics, 03:06 the only young lady we have on our program is a Y-type. 03:10 Couldn't figure, how does that happen? 03:13 But it makes for an exciting discussion. 03:15 So I'll tell you what you guys do, 03:18 that you shouldn't. 03:20 And I'll tell you what you are likely to do 03:22 that you also should not. 03:23 Okay. 03:24 So let's start with the X-types. 03:26 I see the guys are all leaning forward, 03:27 very, very, you know, very interested. 03:30 So let me tell you what you do. 03:31 X's start too early. 03:34 When you talk to a young lady or young man 03:36 and he or she says, "You know, I'd like to get married." 03:40 And then you realize that they are only 16. 03:42 Right. 03:43 Yeah, most of the time 03:45 that individual isn't X-type individual 03:48 and the reason for that is X-types have high oxytocin 03:52 which leads to a need to bond. 03:55 And so very early, like shortly after puberty, 03:57 they began to feel that they need someone in their lives. 04:01 And so that's the reason why X's start so early. 04:03 It's not really a good thing. Why? 04:06 Because the hormones 04:08 are running ahead of brain development. 04:10 Right. 04:11 So their brain doesn't fully develop 04:13 until they are about to 20 to 24 years old 04:16 which means judgment is also not fully developed. 04:20 So they are gonna use some pretty scary, 04:22 you know, characteristics to determine 04:24 whether or not this person is right for them. 04:26 So it's not a good idea. 04:27 18, 19, 20, not a good idea. 04:29 You feel that you wanna be with someone 04:31 but you probably should wait. 04:33 Does that mean like those types 04:34 could be more like serial daters where they, 04:36 like they be in a relationship and it doesn't work out 04:39 and then they felt the need to just jump into the next one? 04:42 That's a good point. 04:44 And serial dating isn't a problem, 04:46 the problem is not allowing enough time 04:49 between relationships. 04:50 Rebound relationships. 04:52 Exactly, especially if you were in a relationship 04:54 that was pretty, you know, conflicted and pretty chaotic, 04:58 you wanna make sure that you've given yourself 04:59 enough time to get over that. 05:02 But we'll talk about that too 05:03 and it also depends on who you dated. 05:04 If an X-type person dates a Y, 05:07 Y- types tend to leave without closure 05:10 which means there you are sitting and wondering, 05:12 "Why hasn't he called?" 05:14 you know, "Where is he, just disappeared," 05:15 you know, something like that. 05:17 So you wanna make sure that you gave yourself enough time 05:19 to get pass that pain, that hurt. 05:22 But that's a really good question. 05:25 So X's do start too early and boys, males, 05:29 their brain develops fully between 24 to 29. 05:34 Oh. Oh, wow. 05:36 That goes above 25, it goes even beyond. 05:38 Exactly, exactly. 05:40 So, but look at how our university and college system 05:42 had set up. 05:43 You go to college at about age 18, 05:45 about 22, you're graduating. 05:47 So you're thinking, 05:49 "Okay, I need to find someone before I graduate." 05:51 But your brain isn't fully developed to the extent 05:55 where you would be able to make a really good choice. 05:58 And if you were to find a guy anywhere close to your age, 06:00 well, he is far from ready. 06:03 Now you guys might have read this 06:05 and some say it's a myth. 06:07 I will let you decide as you, you know, talk to friends, 06:10 but some have said that people tend to settle down 06:14 when their ages approach on age ending in zero or five. 06:20 Okay, like 35, 30, 35. Exactly. 06:24 Those are big, big markers in life. 06:26 They're markers, they're markers 06:27 and they are psychological markers. 06:30 My marker's coming up then. 06:32 Right, but that's good for the ladies to know, you know, 06:35 just need to know when you're gonna turn 30 and 35. 06:38 There you go, right, wink, wink. 06:40 So 30, when you are approaching 30, 06:42 you find out a lot of guys are like, 06:44 all of sudden, they're thinking, 06:45 "I need a family, I need to settle down." 06:47 You know, when they're approaching 30. 06:48 But then, generally 25 and they're already thinking, 06:51 "Well I need to start," you know, 06:53 thinking about settling down. 06:55 But the same thing will happen to you in your 30s 06:58 if you miss those marks, 06:59 you know, when you hit 35, it will happen again 07:01 and when you hit 40, it will happen again. 07:04 So that's good to know 'cause I have coached a few couples 07:09 where the guy was, you know, 26, 27 07:13 and he kept telling his young lady, 07:14 "Could you just wait a little bit, 07:16 I'm just not ready yet." 07:17 And I told her, I said, "Hey, there is this belief, 07:20 there's this hypothesis that guys get ready... 07:22 if they're not ready, they're gonna be ready 07:24 when they get closer to 30, so I said, 07:25 "So do you have three years to wait to stay..." 07:28 I have a question. 07:29 So what are your thoughts on, like, two people are dating 07:33 but their age difference is, may be 5 plus years apart, 07:37 do you think that plays a part in 07:39 how people stay together or... 07:41 Well, it does but that is on a total individual basis. 07:46 And also it's very cultural. 07:48 Here in United States, people tend to frown more on, 07:52 you know, the wider age differences. 07:54 Outside of the United States, 07:55 it's not uncommon for people to be 10, 15 years apart, 07:59 because they pay less attention to the age. 08:01 So the culture that you live in obviously will play a role 08:05 and will predispose the people that are, 08:07 you know, getting into relationship 08:09 to have certain expectations, you know. 08:13 Generally though, they have said, 08:15 psychologically speaking, if you go beyond 12 years, 08:19 then you are more likely to have problems 08:20 because now you're looking at dating someone 08:22 that is in a different generation, 08:24 and so you talk about millennials, 08:26 you talk about, you know, generation X. 08:28 Well, you're more likely to find yourself 08:31 maybe a generation X person dating a millennial, 08:33 you know, that kind of thing. 08:35 And then so everything you do is different. 08:36 The music is different. 08:39 The time we spend on getting advice. 08:40 Where you get in everything. Yeah, everything is different. 08:42 The things that they didn't grew up with. 08:44 Right and remember X-Y theory is all about closing those gaps 08:49 and not finding yourself in a situation 08:51 where there are huge differences 08:52 'cause differences are attractive 08:54 but they're not adhesive, remember? 08:58 Okay, so X's should really only date X-types 09:05 if they could help it. 09:06 Again when I see this, 09:07 I have a lot people that come up to me and say, 09:09 "But I have a boyfriend already and he's a Y type. 09:11 Are you saying I should break up with him?" 09:12 No, I'm saying that at all. 09:14 I'm saying if you're between relationships 09:15 or you haven't started dating yet. 09:17 When you do start, you wanna find someone 09:20 who is as close to your personality type as possible. 09:23 And remember, we're referring to personality, right? 09:27 X's also need to be very, very careful with gullibility. 09:34 X types, you have oxytocin that you have flowing within you. 09:37 Actually the symptom, the side effect of an oxytocin, 09:41 a high oxytocin is high trust. 09:44 So you're very trusting, and that's a good thing 09:47 except if you find yourself with someone 09:49 who is not very trustworthy, exactly. 09:53 So you need to keep your head on 09:54 and be aware of what your hormones, 09:57 you know, are predisposing you to do. 09:59 And just, you know, just be vigilant. 10:01 If somebody is saying something to you, it doesn't sound right 10:04 and you know you're inclined to just simply believe it, 10:06 maybe you might wanna go the extra mile 10:08 and ask a couple questions just to clarify. 10:10 Just more verification, yes, so. 10:11 Yeah, just to see. 10:12 So Eve was definitely a Y. 10:15 Eve was a Y type. 10:16 No, remember she was X type. She would have been the X type. 10:19 She was very trusting. 10:21 That's what I'm saying. Yeah, you said Y type. 10:23 I said Y, you're right, you're right. 10:24 Yeah, so she was...exactly, that's a perfect example. 10:27 Maybe if Adam was by her side 10:28 and we all know if Adam was by her side, 10:30 we're confident that things 10:31 would have gone very differently. 10:33 Exactly. 10:34 Yeah, so you know, hey, snake knew what he was doing, right? 10:36 Yeah, it took something that God meant to be a good thing 10:38 for her to trust her husband in that relationship 10:41 and use that against her. 10:42 And so you see how those things look even back then. 10:45 Yeah, X's also stay too long in relationships. 10:49 Okay. 10:50 A guy does not need five years 10:53 to determine whether or not he wants to be with you. 10:55 He just doesn't. No. 10:56 When a guy meets someone and they match his blueprint 10:59 and this is the person that he feels 11:01 he's been waiting for all his life, 11:03 you are gonna be the one saying, 11:04 "Hey, hey, hey, slow down, not so fast, you know, 11:06 don't buy that ring yet. 11:08 I didn't know if I like you." 11:09 That isn't a true, even if some, 11:11 you find somebody that matches your blueprint 11:15 is best not to just rush right into marriage, 11:17 still take your time to let these... 11:18 Yeah, you still want to, yeah, you want to, 11:21 because you still don't know, 11:22 you remember you know, the hormones. 11:24 We don't know if this person is who they say they are. 11:27 And you need time for those hormones, 11:30 the happy hormones to wear off so that you could, 11:34 this person could take the mask off 11:35 and you can see who you really have. 11:37 Even if they match your blueprint perfectly, right? 11:41 Okay so you also as X types, my guys on each end of you, 11:46 you wanna be careful about 11:50 not revealing too much of yourself too soon. 11:54 X types tend to do that. 11:56 You're taking notes, bro. 11:57 I'm here. 12:00 Yeah, we say too much, X types would say too much. 12:03 Yes, 'cause that need for just sharing for intimacy. 12:06 Yeah, remember, communication for you is bonding. 12:09 So here's this new person you are anxious to bond with. 12:12 So you start talking about your grandfather way back, 12:16 and what he did when he was in this state 12:18 and what you did and by the time 12:21 the person is finished with the first date with you, 12:22 they've gotten your whole story. 12:25 And you're thinking, "Oh my gosh, 12:26 this guy has nothing else to tell me." 12:29 You know, this is too much. 12:31 Now, dopamine is the hormone 12:34 that is responsible for having you feel 12:37 or having somebody that is interested in you feel 12:39 like they have a challenge, you know, an expectation, 12:44 something exciting. 12:45 Things to look forward to. 12:46 Something to look forward to, so a little mystery, 12:48 a little mystery goes a long way. 12:50 That's why if you think about the people that you know 12:52 that are kind of mysterious, kind of like 12:54 you can't read them very well, they very, very seldom 12:57 have any problems with finding someone 12:59 because people are always intrigued. 13:01 So it's best not to say too much then, I guess. 13:03 It is, it is best not to say too much. 13:05 Just say, say just enough. 13:07 You don't wanna seem like a clam, 13:08 like you have nothing to say and nothing to share. 13:09 Right, a clam. 13:11 But you wanna say just enough to keep them wanting more. 13:15 Now, as X types this is not natural for you, not at all. 13:19 So you guys are going to have to find a way 13:22 to not be yourselves. 13:24 Okay, thank you for that. 13:26 Right? Sorry. Yeah, I know. 13:29 Okay, let me jump quickly to our one Y type friend here. 13:33 You wanna be careful not to miss the window. 13:36 And by that, I mean Y types tend to take too long, 13:39 just like you guys tend to go too fast, 13:41 Y types tend to think that they have... 13:44 All the time in the world. A world of time, exactly. 13:46 And so I have several Y types coming to me 13:48 and they are 30s and 40s and 50s 13:49 and asking, "What went wrong, 13:51 how did I miss that window, how did I miss that boat?" 13:54 And the problem is you don't have this high need 13:58 to be bonded to someone. 14:00 So there's no rush for you. 14:02 But still there is a rush 14:04 because you would like to get somebody 14:05 when you are, you know, young 14:07 and you can still have a family. 14:08 It's like conflicting sort of thing like, 14:10 do I really need people, yeah, I do... 14:13 You can just get a bunch of cats, you'll be alright. 14:17 Dogs, you know, too many cats and I'll be sneezy. 14:20 So be careful Y types with Y type 14:22 with not stringing people along, 14:25 that's something else that you do 14:26 because you're very functional 14:28 and if the relationship is serving a function 14:29 you might forget that somebody's heart is involved. 14:31 See, unfortunately that's not something I struggle with. 14:34 I'm like, I don't wanna play the games kind of things. 14:36 So fortunately that's okay. 14:39 Okay, so the last thing I wanted to share with you 14:42 Y types is compromise a little more on your blueprint. 14:46 You always have a blueprint, 14:48 but you need to relax it a little bit 14:49 so that you could let somebody into your life. 14:51 And again please as much as possible date Y type, 14:54 so you don't give these X type gentlemen a really hard time. 14:58 Yeah, okay? 15:00 Stay away from me. 15:01 Okay. 15:02 All right, so I wanna thank you guys for, 15:04 you know, for being here today and I'll see you next time. 15:06 All right. Thank you. 15:08 Thank you. 15:14 Hello, and welcome back to Road 2 Romance. 15:17 We're joined again by Vania and Jeremiah, welcome. 15:20 Thanks for having us again. Thank you. 15:22 So I have a lot of people asking me 15:24 if personality is the only thing 15:26 that affects marriages and affects relationships. 15:28 So I'm always having to explain that it's one of five areas 15:33 that would affect, you know, a relationship. 15:35 So I wanna tell you what those five areas are 15:38 and then we'll pick one. 15:39 Okay. 15:41 So personality of course, X-Y personality, 15:43 that's the one that we have been, you know, 15:45 talking about the most. 15:46 And then there's parenting. 15:48 You guys don't have kids yet, do you? 15:50 No. Not yet. 15:52 All right, so this is perfect for you then. 15:54 And then there is pathology which is whether or not 15:57 mental health issues affect a relationship. 16:01 And then past events. 16:03 Now, you don't know Jeremiah's full past. 16:06 I'm sure he's shared some of it with you 16:08 and he doesn't know yours. 16:10 But your past actually affects your present and your future 16:14 because it changes who you are, it changes brain structures, 16:18 what research is showing 16:19 and it changes how you make decisions. 16:21 So past is very important. 16:23 And then the last one is Epigenetics. 16:25 It's a branch of genetics, is fairly new 16:28 and it tells us a lot of information 16:30 about how our experiences 16:32 are factoring into our whole genetic makeup. 16:35 So it's also very interesting. 16:37 But today, we will just focus on parenting 'cause, you know, 16:40 I wanna make sure you guys are ready, right, 16:41 before that first little Jeremiah comes along, right? 16:45 Jeremiah junior. 16:46 Jeremiah junior, okay. 16:47 Wow, Jeremiah junior. 16:49 And you have a name for the girl, I'm sure 16:50 because you are, you know... 16:52 Not yet. Not yet. 16:53 We're still working on that one. 16:54 Okay, all right, so we'll just stick 16:56 with Jeremiah Junior for right now. 16:57 Okay, so parenting, how you relate to your mate actually 17:03 is affected by how your parents related to you. 17:08 We all have different types of parenting styles, 17:11 you know, that our parents used. 17:13 So we know about, we've heard about the authoritarian style 17:17 where parent is very strict. 17:19 There's a lot of structure, not much choice, 17:22 not much free choice. 17:23 And then of course, there is authoritative 17:25 where parents give you, it's more democratic 17:28 but they give you some structure 17:30 but you're allowed to make some choices. 17:32 And then of course, we have the neglectful parents 17:34 and you know, the permissive parents 17:36 and they allow children to, you know, 17:38 run and do whatever they want without much consequence. 17:42 And so unfortunately or fortunately, 17:44 'cause sometimes it's a positive thing 17:46 if your parents use the right approach, 17:48 then you saw a role model that you can emulate 17:52 when you're doing, you know, your own parenting. 17:56 So you guys, when you decided to come together, 17:58 you must have had to make some adjustments 18:01 because you had different, possibly different styles. 18:03 Yeah, you know, personally like coming from a home 18:06 where like I saw my father 18:08 pretty much setting the tone for the family 18:12 and just the way he went about treating my mother. 18:15 He will pretty much attend to her 18:17 and make sure that like little things, 18:19 like bring her down to the car. 18:21 And waiting for her, you know, 18:23 when she will come back from work 18:24 to make sure that she was escorted, 18:26 you know, to the home safely. 18:27 Just different things like that 18:29 when she comes back from the market, 18:30 helping her with the groceries. 18:31 So these are things that I witness firsthand 18:33 that I knew that, once I found her, 18:36 I would wanna be able to provide her 18:37 with that same level of support and comfort 18:40 to know that I was always gonna be there 18:41 and I was gonna be present to meet her every need. 18:44 Right, and can you imagine how difficult that would have been 18:47 if you didn't have a dad or you didn't have a dad 18:50 that could show you that kind of role model. 18:53 Sometimes an uncle could do it, you know, 18:55 because we live in a society where, 18:57 you know there are 50% divorces, right? 19:00 So sometimes an uncle could step in, 19:02 a grandfather often could step in. 19:04 But of course, it's always easier 19:05 when you can see your dad doing it every day. 19:08 And you of course are the lucky recipient. 19:10 Yes, definitely. 19:11 Because you didn't have to train him. 19:13 You know, Jeremiah just came already, you know, 19:15 pre-packed and ready to go, right? 19:17 Yeah, very helpful. 19:18 Yes, yes, very helpful. 19:20 Okay, so how will you parent your child, your children? 19:23 Child, children, you know, how, what thoughts you have in that? 19:27 Well, coming from an authoritative home, 19:30 I pretty much see myself wanted to continue 19:33 pretty much everything that I have seen done with me 19:36 and passing that on to my offspring. 19:38 So that's pretty much what I see happening with her. 19:41 Me too, like, yeah, like we had structure at home growing up. 19:47 But, yeah, we were able to have our own things going on, 19:53 you know, like, specially with my mom, 19:56 we would like talk a lot, you know, 19:58 share everything that we go through. 20:00 And yeah, that was very helpful. 20:02 I would wanted her, like have good communication, you know, 20:05 even if we don't agree, like at least talk about it 20:09 and yeah, so. 20:11 Yeah, and I know that you guys know that 20:13 it's a good thing to shield kids 20:16 from any conflict that you might have. 20:19 Exactly. Mmm. 20:20 And not that you want them to think that 20:22 mom and dad never have an argument. 20:23 Because then they go out into unrealistic world 20:26 thinking that the first argument they have 20:28 means the end of the relationship, right? 20:30 So you don't want that either 20:32 but you know, you always might wanna think about, 20:34 you know, going into the bedroom. 20:37 I know some couples that go into the bedroom 20:39 but they might as well have left the door open 20:41 'cause they're still so loud, 20:43 the kids could hear, you know, what I'm saying? 20:44 So you're going into the room and they have to be wondering, 20:46 "Are they playing a game, you know, 20:48 how come they are so quiet?" 20:49 You don't want them to hear the conflict on the other side. 20:52 We'll talk about conflict in a minute though. 20:54 So there's a branch of neuroscience 20:58 called neuroplasticity. 21:00 And more than a branch, 21:02 it's actually a process that the brain goes through. 21:07 And basically what we found is this is something 21:09 that we probably did not know 50 years ago. 21:11 50 years ago, 75 years ago, 21:12 we thought that by the time you age, 21:15 some people say 3, some people say 6, 21:17 but by the time you, you know, mid age for a child anyway 21:21 you are already sealed. 21:24 Your brain is already developed fully. 21:27 And there's nothing else that could be done 21:29 to change who you are, that's what we thought. 21:33 Now we know that the brain is always malleable. 21:37 There are always experiences that come along 21:40 that could be added, you know, to your life 21:42 that would actually rewire or restructure your brain cells. 21:47 Wow. Hm-mmm. 21:48 And it happens all the time. 21:50 In fact, it happens so quickly, we've discovered that 21:54 if you had a major trauma in your life, 21:57 they've actually found that the neurons in your brain 22:00 within a matter of hours have already changed. 22:03 Wow. 22:05 Yeah, have already adopted and changed shape 22:08 to accommodate this new reality. 22:10 And how easy is it to reverse it? 22:13 Not very easy. 22:14 It can be done, but not very easy. 22:16 And so most times scientists talk about re-routing 22:22 like finding a different pathway 22:24 because once the pathway is made, 22:26 it's like a groove, it's very difficult to remove it. 22:29 But you could find a pathway around it. 22:31 So that, you know, 22:32 that knowledge doesn't affect you, 22:34 that trauma doesn't affect you for the rest of your life. 22:37 So that is obviously the downside, 22:39 but the good side is you could have good experiences 22:41 that will also change the neurons. 22:43 So we always constantly changing each other's brains 22:49 as you guys interact... 22:50 Interesting. 22:52 One week from now, one month from now, one year from now, 22:54 if they can do an MRI on your brain Jeremiah, 22:57 it will not be the same. 22:59 And most of the change would have come 23:01 from your interactions with your wife, 23:03 unless something on the outside happen 23:04 that was terribly traumatic. 23:06 Wow. Okay. 23:08 So what does that mean for parenting though? 23:10 That means quite a bit. 23:12 You guys have the majority of the influence on your child 23:16 as they're growing up, right? 23:17 Most certainly. Yes. 23:18 So you are the one shaping their brain, 23:21 actually deciding what kind of decisions 23:24 they will make later on, you know, 23:26 what kind of direction they will take. 23:28 And you guys have that awesome responsibility 23:31 of being the ones to shape your child's brain. 23:34 Exactly. Right? 23:35 So that's a pretty awesome responsibility. 23:38 And then there is tagging. 23:40 We'll talk more about that when we talk about Epigenetics. 23:42 But tagging is having something traumatic happen 23:45 or having something really good happen 23:48 that leaves almost like a mark on your brain, on your cells. 23:52 Again, the neurons change. 23:54 But this one is DNA that actually changes. 23:58 And so we'll talk about that a little more as we get along. 24:02 But I wanted to point out one thing before we close, 24:06 high conflict. 24:08 Now there's this raging debate has been going on 24:11 for couple of decades now. 24:13 What is worst for a child? 24:15 Two parents that decide to get divorced 24:18 because they don't want their child 24:20 to be exposed to the conflict 24:22 or keeping the child in the marriage 24:24 and trying to work it out 24:26 but allowing the child to be in a family 24:28 where there's high conflict. 24:30 What is more damaging to the child? 24:33 And the science is showing that they both are. 24:35 So it's not good enough. 24:36 I know a lot of parents that talk to me, they're like, 24:39 "But you know what, we're gonna stay together 24:41 for the child's sake." 24:42 And I'm really, really happy about that 24:44 'cause that's the thing to do. 24:45 But it's not good enough to stay together, 24:48 but continue to expose the child to conflict. 24:50 Okay. Right. 24:51 So the conflict needs to be worked on and eradicated, 24:54 so that the child has a home that's like a heaven or haven. 24:57 Exactly. Okay. 24:59 And also the conflict predisposes the child 25:02 to accept some things 25:07 that he or she would not have accepted. 25:11 Why? Because they are familiar. 25:12 So the child who grows up in a home with a lot of conflict 25:16 would date someone who is little, you know, 25:20 challenging and instead of running away. 25:24 It's familiar so the child stays. 25:27 Does that make sense? Yeah. 25:28 Makes sense. That's dangerous. 25:30 Of course, that is very dangerous. 25:32 So I wanted to read a scripture to you 25:37 and it's taken from the Psalms 85:8. 25:39 And this is what it says, 25:41 "I will listen to what God the Lord says, 25:43 He promises peace to his people, 25:45 his faithful servants. 25:47 But let them not turn to folly." 25:51 Peace, it's a mark of a good relationship 25:57 such as you guys have 25:58 and it's also a mark or the absence of it 26:01 is a mark of a bad relationship. 26:04 What that means is, when we have a test 26:07 and you know we talk about X-Y personality test 26:09 and you know I'm really into my testing. 26:12 But I don't believe that a test should ever be a substitute 26:16 for the promptings of the Holy Spirit. 26:18 A test is a guide to help you to find the person, 26:21 but then you still need to go to God 26:23 and you still need to talk to him 26:25 and make sure that you feel peace about the decision 26:27 which is what a lot of young people never do. 26:30 Discomfort, use discomfort as a warning. 26:34 You know, to get out of something 26:35 that God is warning you about. 26:37 What are your thoughts? 26:38 Yeah, I totally agree like, when we started dating, 26:41 like the relationship was going really well, 26:43 but I still felt like I wanted 26:45 that extra confirmation from God. 26:48 So I pray to God, I'm like, "God, 26:49 everything is going really well, 26:51 but I wanna do your will, so if it's your will, 26:54 allow this relationship to continue to flourish 26:57 and like that our families would really connect," 27:00 'cause by then like our families hadn't met yet. 27:04 "So and if it's not your will, you know, 27:07 do what you gotta do." 27:08 Even though I was a little bit scared to say that 27:10 because I didn't want that to happen 27:12 but I wasn't willing. 27:14 So and then God clearly showed me, 27:16 "No, this is the person for you." 27:19 Yeah, because our families eventually met 27:21 and you know, when I met her family 27:24 I love them right away and we all got along. 27:27 Once she met my parents, they loved her immediately. 27:30 And they all felt like everything was flowing. 27:31 And it was just a sign 27:33 that everything was heading in the right direction. 27:34 So we didn't have to force anything, 27:37 you know, so yeah, it was a blessing. 27:41 Exactly, I'll agree with you. 27:42 And you guys didn't have to use a test or anything? 27:45 I mean, did you guys, like give the Lord a little test. 27:49 A test. Yeah, yeah, the test. 27:51 No? Yeah. 27:53 No, God, I mean I prayed to God 27:55 and he, you know, he revealed everything to me. 27:57 That was our test. 27:58 I'd like to thank you guys for sharing 28:00 and I'll see you next time. |
Revised 2017-02-16