On the Road 2
Romance, research shows that
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X's need affection,
but Y's are private.
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X's seek to have connectedness,
while Y's there are solitude,
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and X's want empathy,
Y's need their loyalty.
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Journey with us
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as we study and
explore this Road 2 Romance.
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Hello, and
welcome to Road 2 Romance.
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I am your host Dr. John Jacob.
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Today we have with us
Sean, Bianca, and Miles.
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Welcome. Hello.
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Good to be back.
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So I get this question
very, very often, "So Dr Jacob,
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is personality be only thing
that effects relationships?"
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And of course,
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I'm sure you guys know
what the answer to that.
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No. No, it's impossible.
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There are at least
four other categories,
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four other areas that really
affect how you choose a mate
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and also affects whether or not
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the relationship
will succeed or fail.
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So let me give you those five
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and today, we will
start with the first one,
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Personality.
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We've been
talking about personality
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and we will deal with
that a little more today, okay?
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Parenting, you must
know that your parenting,
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how your parents
parented you will affect.
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Yes, sure. Correct.
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Right, definitely.
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Some of the
choices that you make
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and it also affects
the person that you are,
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the person that you
became as an adult, right?
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Pathology, which is to
say mental health problems,
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psychological problems.
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Those would also affect how
your relationship turns out.
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And then the
past, our past events.
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We've all been
through something in our past
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that has either
changed the course of our lives
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or changed who we
are to some extent.
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So we'll talk about that
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and then the last is Epigenetics
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which is the branch of genetics
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that we'll also
discuss eventually.
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Is that supposed to
be one of the five Ps?
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I was thinking the same thing.
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Right, I was waiting for
somebody to explain that out.
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I was thinking the same thing.
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I cheated a little
bit, you see, Epigenetics.
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You put most of
the emphasis on a P.
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Okay.
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Yeah, so, you know,
good, you're paying attention.
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All right so, yes,
my last one is a fake P
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but, you know, Epigenetics.
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So we have five and we
will talk about personality
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and here's the
interesting thing,
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we have been talking
about X-Y personality, right?
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Right.
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Okay, about 75% of
all males are Y-type
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and about 25 to 30%
of women are X-type.
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Wait.
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Is that correct, is
anybody gonna correct me?
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No, that's not
right, that's not right.
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You said 25% was X-type.
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I say 25% of men are X-type.
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There we go.
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Right, good, so
you're paying attention.
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75% of... That's the quiz.
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Okay, all right, good.
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So, good, so I want
you guys to get this right
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because this is
why this is important.
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We have two guys here in our
program that are both X-types.
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Defying the statistics...
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Defying the
statistics, exactly, exactly.
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Only 25% of you
should be X-type.
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But here we have...
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only two guys in our program
and you guys are both X-type.
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And still
defying the statistics,
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the only young lady we
have on our program is a Y-type.
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Couldn't figure,
how does that happen?
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But it makes for an
exciting discussion.
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So I'll tell you
what you guys do,
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that you shouldn't.
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And I'll tell you
what you are likely to do
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that you also should not.
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Okay.
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So let's start with the X-types.
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I see the guys are
all leaning forward,
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very, very, you
know, very interested.
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So let me tell you what you do.
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X's start too early.
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When you talk to a
young lady or young man
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and he or she says, "You
know, I'd like to get married."
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And then you realize
that they are only 16.
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Right.
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Yeah, most of the time
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that individual
isn't X-type individual
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and the reason for that
is X-types have high oxytocin
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which leads to a need to bond.
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And so very early,
like shortly after puberty,
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they began to feel that they
need someone in their lives.
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And so that's the
reason why X's start so early.
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It's not really
a good thing. Why?
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Because the hormones
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are running ahead
of brain development.
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Right.
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So their brain
doesn't fully develop
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until they are about
to 20 to 24 years old
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which means judgment is
also not fully developed.
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So they are gonna
use some pretty scary,
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you know,
characteristics to determine
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whether or not this
person is right for them.
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So it's not a good idea.
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18, 19, 20, not a good idea.
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You feel that you
wanna be with someone
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but you probably should wait.
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Does that mean like those types
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could be more like
serial daters where they,
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like they be in a relationship
and it doesn't work out
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and then they felt the need
to just jump into the next one?
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That's a good point.
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And serial
dating isn't a problem,
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the problem is not
allowing enough time
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between relationships.
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Rebound relationships.
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Exactly, especially if
you were in a relationship
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that was pretty, you know,
conflicted and pretty chaotic,
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you wanna make sure
that you've given yourself
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enough time to get over that.
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But we'll talk about that too
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and it also
depends on who you dated.
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If an X-type person dates a Y,
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Y- types tend to
leave without closure
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which means there you
are sitting and wondering,
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"Why hasn't he called?"
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you know, "Where is
he, just disappeared,"
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you know, something like that.
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So you wanna make sure that
you gave yourself enough time
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to get pass
that pain, that hurt.
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But that's a
really good question.
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So X's do start too
early and boys, males,
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their brain develops
fully between 24 to 29.
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Oh. Oh, wow.
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That goes above 25,
it goes even beyond.
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Exactly, exactly.
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So, but look at how our
university and college system
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had set up.
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You go to
college at about age 18,
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about 22, you're graduating.
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So you're thinking,
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"Okay, I need to find
someone before I graduate."
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But your brain isn't
fully developed to the extent
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where you would be able
to make a really good choice.
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And if you were to find a
guy anywhere close to your age,
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well, he is far from ready.
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Now you guys
might have read this
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and some say it's a myth.
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I will let you decide as
you, you know, talk to friends,
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but some have said that
people tend to settle down
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when their ages approach
on age ending in zero or five.
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Okay, like 35, 30, 35. Exactly.
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Those are big,
big markers in life.
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They're markers, they're markers
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and they are
psychological markers.
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My marker's coming up then.
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Right, but that's good for
the ladies to know, you know,
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just need to know when
you're gonna turn 30 and 35.
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There you go, right, wink, wink.
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So 30, when you
are approaching 30,
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you find out a
lot of guys are like,
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all of sudden, they're thinking,
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"I need a family, I
need to settle down."
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You know, when
they're approaching 30.
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But then, generally 25
and they're already thinking,
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"Well I need to
start," you know,
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thinking about settling down.
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But the same thing will
happen to you in your 30s
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if you miss those marks,
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you know, when you hit
35, it will happen again
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and when you hit 40,
it will happen again.
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So that's good to know 'cause
I have coached a few couples
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where the guy
was, you know, 26, 27
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and he kept
telling his young lady,
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"Could you just
wait a little bit,
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I'm just not ready yet."
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And I told her, I said,
"Hey, there is this belief,
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there's this hypothesis
that guys get ready...
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if they're not ready,
they're gonna be ready
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when they get
closer to 30, so I said,
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"So do you have three
years to wait to stay..."
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I have a question.
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So what are your thoughts
on, like, two people are dating
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but their age difference
is, may be 5 plus years apart,
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do you think
that plays a part in
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how people stay together or...
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Well, it does but that is
on a total individual basis.
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And also it's very cultural.
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Here in United States,
people tend to frown more on,
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you know, the
wider age differences.
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Outside of the United States,
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it's not uncommon for
people to be 10, 15 years apart,
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because they pay
less attention to the age.
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So the culture that you live
in obviously will play a role
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and will predispose
the people that are,
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you know,
getting into relationship
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to have certain
expectations, you know.
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Generally
though, they have said,
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psychologically speaking,
if you go beyond 12 years,
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then you are more
likely to have problems
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because now you're
looking at dating someone
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that is in a
different generation,
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and so you talk
about millennials,
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you talk about,
you know, generation X.
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Well, you're more
likely to find yourself
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maybe a generation X
person dating a millennial,
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you know, that kind of thing.
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And then so
everything you do is different.
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The music is different.
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The time we spend
on getting advice.
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Where you get in everything.
Yeah, everything is different.
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The things that
they didn't grew up with.
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Right and remember X-Y theory
is all about closing those gaps
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and not finding
yourself in a situation
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where there are huge differences
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'cause
differences are attractive
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but they're not
adhesive, remember?
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Okay, so X's should
really only date X-types
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if they could help it.
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Again when I see this,
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I have a lot people
that come up to me and say,
00:09:07.98\00:09:09.31
"But I have a boyfriend
already and he's a Y type.
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Are you saying I
should break up with him?"
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No, I'm saying that at all.
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I'm saying if you're
between relationships
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or you haven't
started dating yet.
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When you do start,
you wanna find someone
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who is as close to your
personality type as possible.
00:09:20.09\00:09:23.73
And remember, we're
referring to personality, right?
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X's also need to be very,
very careful with gullibility.
00:09:27.70\00:09:34.07
X types, you have oxytocin that
you have flowing within you.
00:09:34.14\00:09:37.74
Actually the symptom, the
side effect of an oxytocin,
00:09:37.77\00:09:41.04
a high oxytocin is high trust.
00:09:41.08\00:09:43.98
So you're very trusting,
and that's a good thing
00:09:44.05\00:09:47.35
except if you find
yourself with someone
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who is not very
trustworthy, exactly.
00:09:49.22\00:09:53.15
So you need to keep your head on
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and be aware of
what your hormones,
00:09:54.82\00:09:57.33
you know, are
predisposing you to do.
00:09:57.36\00:09:59.53
And just, you
know, just be vigilant.
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If somebody is saying something
to you, it doesn't sound right
00:10:01.70\00:10:04.60
and you know you're inclined
to just simply believe it,
00:10:04.63\00:10:06.50
maybe you might
wanna go the extra mile
00:10:06.53\00:10:08.40
and ask a couple
questions just to clarify.
00:10:08.44\00:10:10.01
Just more verification, yes, so.
00:10:10.04\00:10:11.37
Yeah, just to see.
00:10:11.41\00:10:12.74
So Eve was definitely a Y.
00:10:12.77\00:10:15.34
Eve was a Y type.
00:10:15.38\00:10:16.85
No, remember she was X type.
She would have been the X type.
00:10:16.88\00:10:19.01
She was very trusting.
00:10:19.05\00:10:21.52
That's what I'm
saying. Yeah, you said Y type.
00:10:21.55\00:10:23.02
I said Y, you're
right, you're right.
00:10:23.05\00:10:24.39
Yeah, so she was...exactly,
that's a perfect example.
00:10:24.42\00:10:27.06
Maybe if Adam was by her side
00:10:27.09\00:10:28.79
and we all know if
Adam was by her side,
00:10:28.82\00:10:30.36
we're confident that things
00:10:30.43\00:10:31.83
would have gone
very differently.
00:10:31.86\00:10:33.19
Exactly.
00:10:33.23\00:10:34.56
Yeah, so you know, hey, snake
knew what he was doing, right?
00:10:34.60\00:10:36.70
Yeah, it took something that
God meant to be a good thing
00:10:36.77\00:10:38.90
for her to trust her
husband in that relationship
00:10:38.93\00:10:41.40
and use that against her.
00:10:41.44\00:10:42.87
And so you see how those
things look even back then.
00:10:42.90\00:10:45.71
Yeah, X's also stay
too long in relationships.
00:10:45.74\00:10:49.04
Okay.
00:10:49.08\00:10:50.45
A guy does not need five years
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to determine whether or
not he wants to be with you.
00:10:53.42\00:10:54.98
He just doesn't. No.
00:10:55.02\00:10:56.62
When a guy meets someone
and they match his blueprint
00:10:56.69\00:10:59.45
and this is the
person that he feels
00:10:59.49\00:11:01.19
he's been
waiting for all his life,
00:11:01.22\00:11:03.16
you are gonna be the one saying,
00:11:03.19\00:11:04.53
"Hey, hey, hey, slow
down, not so fast, you know,
00:11:04.56\00:11:06.83
don't buy that ring yet.
00:11:06.90\00:11:08.23
I didn't know if I like you."
00:11:08.26\00:11:09.86
That isn't a true, even if some,
00:11:09.90\00:11:11.90
you find somebody
that matches your blueprint
00:11:11.93\00:11:15.00
is best not to just
rush right into marriage,
00:11:15.04\00:11:17.01
still take your
time to let these...
00:11:17.04\00:11:18.81
Yeah, you still want
to, yeah, you want to,
00:11:18.84\00:11:21.28
because you still don't know,
00:11:21.31\00:11:22.64
you remember you
know, the hormones.
00:11:22.68\00:11:24.81
We don't know if this
person is who they say they are.
00:11:24.85\00:11:27.88
And you need time
for those hormones,
00:11:27.92\00:11:30.49
the happy hormones to
wear off so that you could,
00:11:30.52\00:11:34.46
this person
could take the mask off
00:11:34.49\00:11:35.82
and you can see
who you really have.
00:11:35.86\00:11:37.33
Even if they match your
blueprint perfectly, right?
00:11:37.36\00:11:41.03
Okay so you also as X types,
my guys on each end of you,
00:11:41.06\00:11:46.94
you wanna be careful about
00:11:46.97\00:11:50.91
not revealing too
much of yourself too soon.
00:11:50.94\00:11:54.81
X types tend to do that.
00:11:54.84\00:11:56.18
You're taking notes, bro.
00:11:56.21\00:11:57.55
I'm here.
00:11:57.58\00:12:00.32
Yeah, we say too much, X
types would say too much.
00:12:00.35\00:12:03.22
Yes, 'cause that need for
just sharing for intimacy.
00:12:03.25\00:12:06.76
Yeah, remember, communication
for you is bonding.
00:12:06.79\00:12:09.79
So here's this new person
you are anxious to bond with.
00:12:09.82\00:12:12.89
So you start talking
about your grandfather way back,
00:12:12.93\00:12:16.10
and what he did
when he was in this state
00:12:16.13\00:12:18.47
and what you did and by the time
00:12:18.50\00:12:21.07
the person is finished
with the first date with you,
00:12:21.10\00:12:22.90
they've gotten your whole story.
00:12:22.94\00:12:25.44
And you're
thinking, "Oh my gosh,
00:12:25.47\00:12:26.88
this guy has
nothing else to tell me."
00:12:26.91\00:12:29.18
You know, this is too much.
00:12:29.21\00:12:31.65
Now, dopamine is the hormone
00:12:31.68\00:12:34.05
that is
responsible for having you feel
00:12:34.12\00:12:37.52
or having somebody that
is interested in you feel
00:12:37.59\00:12:39.89
like they have a challenge,
you know, an expectation,
00:12:39.92\00:12:44.13
something exciting.
00:12:44.16\00:12:45.49
Things to look forward to.
00:12:45.53\00:12:46.86
Something to look
forward to, so a little mystery,
00:12:46.90\00:12:48.40
a little
mystery goes a long way.
00:12:48.43\00:12:50.37
That's why if you think
about the people that you know
00:12:50.40\00:12:52.63
that are kind of
mysterious, kind of like
00:12:52.67\00:12:54.24
you can't read them very
well, they very, very seldom
00:12:54.27\00:12:57.74
have any problems
with finding someone
00:12:57.77\00:12:59.61
because people
are always intrigued.
00:12:59.64\00:13:01.58
So it's best not to
say too much then, I guess.
00:13:01.61\00:13:03.88
It is, it is best
not to say too much.
00:13:03.95\00:13:05.51
Just say, say just enough.
00:13:05.55\00:13:07.02
You don't wanna
seem like a clam,
00:13:07.05\00:13:08.58
like you have nothing to
say and nothing to share.
00:13:08.62\00:13:09.95
Right, a clam.
00:13:09.98\00:13:11.32
But you wanna say just enough
to keep them wanting more.
00:13:11.35\00:13:15.09
Now, as X types this is not
natural for you, not at all.
00:13:15.12\00:13:19.63
So you guys are
going to have to find a way
00:13:19.66\00:13:22.10
to not be yourselves.
00:13:22.13\00:13:24.77
Okay, thank you for that.
00:13:24.80\00:13:26.67
Right? Sorry. Yeah, I know.
00:13:26.74\00:13:29.10
Okay, let me jump quickly
to our one Y type friend here.
00:13:29.14\00:13:33.78
You wanna be careful
not to miss the window.
00:13:33.81\00:13:36.61
And by that, I mean Y
types tend to take too long,
00:13:36.64\00:13:39.55
just like you guys
tend to go too fast,
00:13:39.58\00:13:41.38
Y types tend to
think that they have...
00:13:41.42\00:13:44.29
All the time in the
world. A world of time, exactly.
00:13:44.32\00:13:46.79
And so I have
several Y types coming to me
00:13:46.86\00:13:48.56
and they are 30s and 40s and 50s
00:13:48.59\00:13:49.92
and asking, "What went wrong,
00:13:49.96\00:13:51.66
how did I miss that window,
how did I miss that boat?"
00:13:51.69\00:13:54.70
And the problem is you
don't have this high need
00:13:54.73\00:13:58.47
to be bonded to someone.
00:13:58.50\00:14:00.34
So there's no rush for you.
00:14:00.37\00:14:02.74
But still there is a rush
00:14:02.77\00:14:04.11
because you would
like to get somebody
00:14:04.14\00:14:05.74
when you are, you know, young
00:14:05.77\00:14:07.31
and you can still have a family.
00:14:07.38\00:14:08.71
It's like
conflicting sort of thing like,
00:14:08.74\00:14:10.48
do I really need
people, yeah, I do...
00:14:10.55\00:14:13.75
You can just get a bunch
of cats, you'll be alright.
00:14:13.82\00:14:17.09
Dogs, you know, too
many cats and I'll be sneezy.
00:14:17.12\00:14:20.26
So be careful Y
types with Y type
00:14:20.29\00:14:22.49
with not stringing people along,
00:14:22.52\00:14:25.29
that's
something else that you do
00:14:25.33\00:14:26.70
because you're very functional
00:14:26.73\00:14:28.06
and if the relationship
is serving a function
00:14:28.10\00:14:29.46
you might forget that
somebody's heart is involved.
00:14:29.50\00:14:31.63
See, unfortunately that's
not something I struggle with.
00:14:31.67\00:14:34.34
I'm like, I don't wanna
play the games kind of things.
00:14:34.37\00:14:36.81
So fortunately that's okay.
00:14:36.84\00:14:39.01
Okay, so the last thing
I wanted to share with you
00:14:39.04\00:14:42.04
Y types is compromise a
little more on your blueprint.
00:14:42.08\00:14:46.15
You always have a blueprint,
00:14:46.18\00:14:48.05
but you need to
relax it a little bit
00:14:48.08\00:14:49.48
so that you could let
somebody into your life.
00:14:49.52\00:14:51.52
And again please as
much as possible date Y type,
00:14:51.55\00:14:54.69
so you don't give these X type
gentlemen a really hard time.
00:14:54.72\00:14:58.69
Yeah, okay?
00:14:58.73\00:15:00.10
Stay away from me.
00:15:00.13\00:15:01.46
Okay.
00:15:01.50\00:15:02.83
All right, so I
wanna thank you guys for,
00:15:02.86\00:15:04.27
you know, for being here today
and I'll see you next time.
00:15:04.30\00:15:06.60
All right. Thank you.
00:15:06.63\00:15:07.97
Thank you.
00:15:08.00\00:15:09.34
Hello, and welcome
back to Road 2 Romance.
00:15:14.78\00:15:17.15
We're joined again by
Vania and Jeremiah, welcome.
00:15:17.18\00:15:20.75
Thanks for having
us again. Thank you.
00:15:20.82\00:15:22.45
So I have a lot
of people asking me
00:15:22.48\00:15:24.32
if personality is the only thing
00:15:24.35\00:15:26.35
that affects marriages
and affects relationships.
00:15:26.39\00:15:28.82
So I'm always having to explain
that it's one of five areas
00:15:28.86\00:15:33.40
that would affect,
you know, a relationship.
00:15:33.43\00:15:35.70
So I wanna tell you
what those five areas are
00:15:35.73\00:15:38.10
and then we'll pick one.
00:15:38.13\00:15:39.60
Okay.
00:15:39.63\00:15:40.97
So personality of
course, X-Y personality,
00:15:41.00\00:15:43.20
that's the one that
we have been, you know,
00:15:43.24\00:15:45.21
talking about the most.
00:15:45.24\00:15:46.81
And then there's parenting.
00:15:46.88\00:15:48.91
You guys don't
have kids yet, do you?
00:15:48.94\00:15:50.95
No. Not yet.
00:15:50.98\00:15:52.31
All right, so this
is perfect for you then.
00:15:52.35\00:15:54.35
And then there is pathology
which is whether or not
00:15:54.38\00:15:57.79
mental health issues
affect a relationship.
00:15:57.82\00:16:01.16
And then past events.
00:16:01.19\00:16:03.19
Now, you don't know
Jeremiah's full past.
00:16:03.22\00:16:06.63
I'm sure he's
shared some of it with you
00:16:06.70\00:16:08.40
and he doesn't know yours.
00:16:08.43\00:16:10.07
But your past actually affects
your present and your future
00:16:10.10\00:16:14.27
because it changes who you are,
it changes brain structures,
00:16:14.30\00:16:18.27
what research is showing
00:16:18.31\00:16:19.64
and it changes how
you make decisions.
00:16:19.67\00:16:21.64
So past is very important.
00:16:21.68\00:16:23.28
And then the last
one is Epigenetics.
00:16:23.35\00:16:25.55
It's a branch of
genetics, is fairly new
00:16:25.58\00:16:28.45
and it tells us a
lot of information
00:16:28.48\00:16:30.39
about how our experiences
00:16:30.42\00:16:32.85
are factoring into
our whole genetic makeup.
00:16:32.89\00:16:35.46
So it's also very interesting.
00:16:35.49\00:16:37.23
But today, we will just focus
on parenting 'cause, you know,
00:16:37.26\00:16:40.50
I wanna make sure you
guys are ready, right,
00:16:40.53\00:16:41.86
before that first little
Jeremiah comes along, right?
00:16:41.90\00:16:45.03
Jeremiah junior.
00:16:45.07\00:16:46.40
Jeremiah junior, okay.
00:16:46.43\00:16:47.77
Wow, Jeremiah junior.
00:16:47.80\00:16:49.14
And you have a name
for the girl, I'm sure
00:16:49.17\00:16:50.64
because you are, you know...
00:16:50.71\00:16:52.11
Not yet. Not yet.
00:16:52.14\00:16:53.48
We're still working on that one.
00:16:53.51\00:16:54.84
Okay, all right,
so we'll just stick
00:16:54.88\00:16:56.21
with Jeremiah
Junior for right now.
00:16:56.24\00:16:57.88
Okay, so parenting, how you
relate to your mate actually
00:16:57.91\00:17:03.69
is affected by how
your parents related to you.
00:17:03.72\00:17:08.36
We all have different
types of parenting styles,
00:17:08.39\00:17:11.36
you know, that our parents used.
00:17:11.39\00:17:13.23
So we know about, we've heard
about the authoritarian style
00:17:13.26\00:17:17.07
where parent is very strict.
00:17:17.10\00:17:19.10
There's a lot of
structure, not much choice,
00:17:19.13\00:17:21.97
not much free choice.
00:17:22.00\00:17:23.51
And then of course,
there is authoritative
00:17:23.54\00:17:25.91
where parents give
you, it's more democratic
00:17:25.94\00:17:28.21
but they give you some structure
00:17:28.24\00:17:30.48
but you're allowed
to make some choices.
00:17:30.55\00:17:32.41
And then of course, we
have the neglectful parents
00:17:32.45\00:17:34.95
and you know, the
permissive parents
00:17:34.98\00:17:36.48
and they allow
children to, you know,
00:17:36.52\00:17:38.79
run and do whatever they
want without much consequence.
00:17:38.82\00:17:42.59
And so
unfortunately or fortunately,
00:17:42.62\00:17:44.79
'cause sometimes
it's a positive thing
00:17:44.83\00:17:46.16
if your parents
use the right approach,
00:17:46.19\00:17:48.60
then you saw a role
model that you can emulate
00:17:48.63\00:17:52.00
when you're doing, you
know, your own parenting.
00:17:52.03\00:17:56.00
So you guys, when you
decided to come together,
00:17:56.04\00:17:58.74
you must have had to
make some adjustments
00:17:58.77\00:18:01.21
because you had different,
possibly different styles.
00:18:01.24\00:18:03.85
Yeah, you know, personally
like coming from a home
00:18:03.88\00:18:06.72
where like I saw my father
00:18:06.75\00:18:08.78
pretty much setting
the tone for the family
00:18:08.82\00:18:12.25
and just the way he went
about treating my mother.
00:18:12.29\00:18:15.49
He will pretty
much attend to her
00:18:15.52\00:18:17.63
and make sure that
like little things,
00:18:17.66\00:18:19.46
like bring her down to the car.
00:18:19.49\00:18:21.83
And waiting for her, you know,
00:18:21.86\00:18:23.30
when she will
come back from work
00:18:23.37\00:18:24.70
to make sure
that she was escorted,
00:18:24.73\00:18:26.10
you know, to the home safely.
00:18:26.13\00:18:27.70
Just different things like that
00:18:27.74\00:18:29.07
when she comes
back from the market,
00:18:29.10\00:18:30.44
helping her with the groceries.
00:18:30.51\00:18:31.84
So these are things
that I witness firsthand
00:18:31.87\00:18:33.78
that I knew
that, once I found her,
00:18:33.81\00:18:36.51
I would wanna be
able to provide her
00:18:36.54\00:18:37.95
with that same level
of support and comfort
00:18:37.98\00:18:40.25
to know that I was
always gonna be there
00:18:40.32\00:18:41.82
and I was gonna be
present to meet her every need.
00:18:41.85\00:18:44.39
Right, and can you imagine how
difficult that would have been
00:18:44.42\00:18:47.59
if you didn't have a
dad or you didn't have a dad
00:18:47.66\00:18:50.53
that could show you
that kind of role model.
00:18:50.56\00:18:53.83
Sometimes an uncle
could do it, you know,
00:18:53.90\00:18:55.86
because we live
in a society where,
00:18:55.90\00:18:57.37
you know there are
50% divorces, right?
00:18:57.40\00:19:00.04
So sometimes an
uncle could step in,
00:19:00.07\00:19:02.54
a grandfather
often could step in.
00:19:02.57\00:19:04.31
But of course,
it's always easier
00:19:04.34\00:19:05.87
when you can see your
dad doing it every day.
00:19:05.91\00:19:08.08
And you of course
are the lucky recipient.
00:19:08.11\00:19:10.38
Yes, definitely.
00:19:10.45\00:19:11.78
Because you
didn't have to train him.
00:19:11.81\00:19:13.55
You know, Jeremiah
just came already, you know,
00:19:13.62\00:19:15.88
pre-packed and
ready to go, right?
00:19:15.92\00:19:17.49
Yeah, very helpful.
00:19:17.52\00:19:18.85
Yes, yes, very helpful.
00:19:18.89\00:19:20.36
Okay, so how will you parent
your child, your children?
00:19:20.39\00:19:23.73
Child, children, you know, how,
what thoughts you have in that?
00:19:23.76\00:19:27.40
Well, coming from
an authoritative home,
00:19:27.43\00:19:30.90
I pretty much see
myself wanted to continue
00:19:30.97\00:19:33.84
pretty much everything
that I have seen done with me
00:19:33.87\00:19:36.40
and passing that
on to my offspring.
00:19:36.44\00:19:38.61
So that's pretty much
what I see happening with her.
00:19:38.64\00:19:41.28
Me too, like, yeah, like we had
structure at home growing up.
00:19:41.31\00:19:47.12
But, yeah, we were able to
have our own things going on,
00:19:47.15\00:19:53.89
you know, like,
specially with my mom,
00:19:53.96\00:19:56.22
we would like
talk a lot, you know,
00:19:56.26\00:19:58.06
share everything
that we go through.
00:19:58.09\00:20:00.40
And yeah, that was very helpful.
00:20:00.43\00:20:02.33
I would wanted her, like have
good communication, you know,
00:20:02.36\00:20:05.80
even if we don't agree,
like at least talk about it
00:20:05.83\00:20:09.17
and yeah, so.
00:20:09.20\00:20:11.14
Yeah, and I know
that you guys know that
00:20:11.17\00:20:13.48
it's a good thing to shield kids
00:20:13.51\00:20:16.64
from any conflict
that you might have.
00:20:16.68\00:20:19.18
Exactly. Mmm.
00:20:19.21\00:20:20.55
And not that you
want them to think that
00:20:20.62\00:20:22.08
mom and dad
never have an argument.
00:20:22.12\00:20:23.92
Because then they go
out into unrealistic world
00:20:23.99\00:20:26.65
thinking that the
first argument they have
00:20:26.69\00:20:28.72
means the end of
the relationship, right?
00:20:28.76\00:20:30.46
So you don't want that either
00:20:30.53\00:20:32.16
but you know, you
always might wanna think about,
00:20:32.19\00:20:34.90
you know, going
into the bedroom.
00:20:34.93\00:20:37.00
I know some couples
that go into the bedroom
00:20:37.07\00:20:39.13
but they might as well
have left the door open
00:20:39.17\00:20:41.40
'cause they're still so loud,
00:20:41.44\00:20:42.97
the kids could hear,
you know, what I'm saying?
00:20:43.00\00:20:44.67
So you're going into the room
and they have to be wondering,
00:20:44.71\00:20:46.57
"Are they
playing a game, you know,
00:20:46.61\00:20:48.14
how come they are so quiet?"
00:20:48.18\00:20:49.74
You don't want them to hear
the conflict on the other side.
00:20:49.78\00:20:52.55
We'll talk about
conflict in a minute though.
00:20:52.58\00:20:54.32
So there's a
branch of neuroscience
00:20:54.35\00:20:58.85
called neuroplasticity.
00:20:58.89\00:21:00.96
And more than a branch,
00:21:00.99\00:21:02.79
it's actually a process
that the brain goes through.
00:21:02.82\00:21:07.00
And basically what we
found is this is something
00:21:07.03\00:21:09.40
that we probably did
not know 50 years ago.
00:21:09.43\00:21:11.13
50 years ago, 75 years ago,
00:21:11.17\00:21:12.70
we thought that
by the time you age,
00:21:12.73\00:21:15.37
some people say
3, some people say 6,
00:21:15.40\00:21:17.84
but by the time you, you
know, mid age for a child anyway
00:21:17.87\00:21:21.88
you are already sealed.
00:21:21.91\00:21:24.95
Your brain is
already developed fully.
00:21:24.98\00:21:27.68
And there's nothing
else that could be done
00:21:27.72\00:21:29.95
to change who you are,
that's what we thought.
00:21:29.98\00:21:33.66
Now we know that the
brain is always malleable.
00:21:33.69\00:21:37.26
There are always
experiences that come along
00:21:37.33\00:21:40.13
that could be added,
you know, to your life
00:21:40.20\00:21:42.36
that would actually rewire
or restructure your brain cells.
00:21:42.40\00:21:47.24
Wow. Hm-mmm.
00:21:47.27\00:21:48.60
And it happens all the time.
00:21:48.64\00:21:49.97
In fact, it happens so
quickly, we've discovered that
00:21:50.01\00:21:54.28
if you had a major
trauma in your life,
00:21:54.31\00:21:57.65
they've actually found
that the neurons in your brain
00:21:57.68\00:22:00.92
within a matter of
hours have already changed.
00:22:00.95\00:22:03.69
Wow.
00:22:03.72\00:22:05.05
Yeah, have already
adopted and changed shape
00:22:05.09\00:22:08.32
to accommodate this new reality.
00:22:08.36\00:22:10.83
And how easy is
it to reverse it?
00:22:10.86\00:22:13.09
Not very easy.
00:22:13.13\00:22:14.76
It can be done,
but not very easy.
00:22:14.80\00:22:16.87
And so most times
scientists talk about re-routing
00:22:16.90\00:22:22.44
like finding a different pathway
00:22:22.47\00:22:24.04
because once
the pathway is made,
00:22:24.11\00:22:26.31
it's like a groove, it's
very difficult to remove it.
00:22:26.34\00:22:29.01
But you could find
a pathway around it.
00:22:29.04\00:22:31.08
So that, you know,
00:22:31.11\00:22:32.45
that knowledge
doesn't affect you,
00:22:32.48\00:22:34.38
that trauma doesn't affect
you for the rest of your life.
00:22:34.42\00:22:37.19
So that is
obviously the downside,
00:22:37.22\00:22:39.29
but the good side is you
could have good experiences
00:22:39.32\00:22:41.59
that will also
change the neurons.
00:22:41.62\00:22:43.93
So we always constantly
changing each other's brains
00:22:43.96\00:22:49.23
as you guys interact...
00:22:49.26\00:22:50.60
Interesting.
00:22:50.67\00:22:52.00
One week from now, one month
from now, one year from now,
00:22:52.03\00:22:54.04
if they can do an MRI
on your brain Jeremiah,
00:22:54.07\00:22:57.11
it will not be the same.
00:22:57.14\00:22:59.44
And most of the
change would have come
00:22:59.47\00:23:01.21
from your
interactions with your wife,
00:23:01.24\00:23:03.14
unless something
on the outside happen
00:23:03.18\00:23:04.75
that was terribly traumatic.
00:23:04.78\00:23:06.18
Wow. Okay.
00:23:06.21\00:23:08.05
So what does that
mean for parenting though?
00:23:08.08\00:23:10.62
That means quite a bit.
00:23:10.69\00:23:12.25
You guys have the majority
of the influence on your child
00:23:12.29\00:23:16.16
as they're growing up, right?
00:23:16.19\00:23:17.53
Most certainly. Yes.
00:23:17.56\00:23:18.89
So you are the one
shaping their brain,
00:23:18.93\00:23:21.10
actually deciding
what kind of decisions
00:23:21.13\00:23:24.27
they will make
later on, you know,
00:23:24.30\00:23:26.33
what kind of
direction they will take.
00:23:26.37\00:23:28.47
And you guys have
that awesome responsibility
00:23:28.50\00:23:31.57
of being the ones to
shape your child's brain.
00:23:31.61\00:23:34.08
Exactly. Right?
00:23:34.11\00:23:35.81
So that's a pretty
awesome responsibility.
00:23:35.84\00:23:38.65
And then there is tagging.
00:23:38.68\00:23:40.55
We'll talk more about that
when we talk about Epigenetics.
00:23:40.62\00:23:42.82
But tagging is having
something traumatic happen
00:23:42.85\00:23:45.92
or having
something really good happen
00:23:45.95\00:23:48.06
that leaves almost like a mark
on your brain, on your cells.
00:23:48.09\00:23:52.53
Again, the neurons change.
00:23:52.56\00:23:54.60
But this one is DNA
that actually changes.
00:23:54.63\00:23:58.57
And so we'll talk about that
a little more as we get along.
00:23:58.60\00:24:01.97
But I wanted to point out
one thing before we close,
00:24:02.00\00:24:06.37
high conflict.
00:24:06.41\00:24:08.78
Now there's this raging
debate has been going on
00:24:08.81\00:24:11.71
for couple of decades now.
00:24:11.75\00:24:13.72
What is worst for a child?
00:24:13.75\00:24:15.92
Two parents that
decide to get divorced
00:24:15.95\00:24:18.29
because they
don't want their child
00:24:18.32\00:24:20.16
to be exposed to the conflict
00:24:20.19\00:24:22.06
or keeping the
child in the marriage
00:24:22.09\00:24:24.86
and trying to work it out
00:24:24.89\00:24:26.70
but allowing the
child to be in a family
00:24:26.73\00:24:28.93
where there's high conflict.
00:24:28.96\00:24:30.47
What is more
damaging to the child?
00:24:30.50\00:24:33.00
And the science is
showing that they both are.
00:24:33.03\00:24:35.37
So it's not good enough.
00:24:35.40\00:24:36.74
I know a lot of parents
that talk to me, they're like,
00:24:36.81\00:24:39.24
"But you know what,
we're gonna stay together
00:24:39.27\00:24:41.11
for the child's sake."
00:24:41.14\00:24:42.48
And I'm really,
really happy about that
00:24:42.51\00:24:43.98
'cause that's the thing to do.
00:24:44.05\00:24:45.38
But it's not good
enough to stay together,
00:24:45.41\00:24:48.18
but continue to
expose the child to conflict.
00:24:48.22\00:24:50.39
Okay. Right.
00:24:50.42\00:24:51.75
So the conflict needs to
be worked on and eradicated,
00:24:51.79\00:24:54.06
so that the child has a home
that's like a heaven or haven.
00:24:54.09\00:24:57.69
Exactly. Okay.
00:24:57.73\00:24:59.43
And also the
conflict predisposes the child
00:24:59.46\00:25:02.66
to accept some things
00:25:02.70\00:25:07.64
that he or she
would not have accepted.
00:25:07.67\00:25:11.37
Why? Because they are familiar.
00:25:11.41\00:25:12.87
So the child who grows up in
a home with a lot of conflict
00:25:12.91\00:25:16.51
would date someone
who is little, you know,
00:25:16.54\00:25:20.85
challenging and
instead of running away.
00:25:20.92\00:25:24.19
It's familiar
so the child stays.
00:25:24.22\00:25:27.06
Does that make sense? Yeah.
00:25:27.09\00:25:28.42
Makes sense. That's dangerous.
00:25:28.46\00:25:30.53
Of course, that
is very dangerous.
00:25:30.56\00:25:32.56
So I wanted to
read a scripture to you
00:25:32.59\00:25:37.17
and it's taken
from the Psalms 85:8.
00:25:37.20\00:25:39.63
And this is what it says,
00:25:39.67\00:25:41.00
"I will listen to
what God the Lord says,
00:25:41.04\00:25:43.14
He promises peace to his people,
00:25:43.17\00:25:45.47
his faithful servants.
00:25:45.51\00:25:47.18
But let them not turn to folly."
00:25:47.21\00:25:51.58
Peace, it's a mark
of a good relationship
00:25:51.61\00:25:57.09
such as you guys have
00:25:57.12\00:25:58.62
and it's also a
mark or the absence of it
00:25:58.65\00:26:01.56
is a mark of a bad relationship.
00:26:01.59\00:26:04.36
What that means
is, when we have a test
00:26:04.39\00:26:07.03
and you know we talk
about X-Y personality test
00:26:07.10\00:26:09.03
and you know I'm
really into my testing.
00:26:09.06\00:26:12.03
But I don't believe that a
test should ever be a substitute
00:26:12.07\00:26:16.20
for the promptings
of the Holy Spirit.
00:26:16.24\00:26:18.64
A test is a guide to
help you to find the person,
00:26:18.67\00:26:21.74
but then you
still need to go to God
00:26:21.78\00:26:23.65
and you still
need to talk to him
00:26:23.68\00:26:25.01
and make sure that you
feel peace about the decision
00:26:25.05\00:26:27.62
which is what a lot
of young people never do.
00:26:27.65\00:26:30.59
Discomfort, use
discomfort as a warning.
00:26:30.62\00:26:34.19
You know, to
get out of something
00:26:34.26\00:26:35.59
that God is warning you about.
00:26:35.62\00:26:37.13
What are your thoughts?
00:26:37.16\00:26:38.49
Yeah, I totally agree
like, when we started dating,
00:26:38.53\00:26:41.50
like the relationship
was going really well,
00:26:41.53\00:26:43.77
but I still felt like I wanted
00:26:43.80\00:26:45.50
that extra
confirmation from God.
00:26:45.53\00:26:48.14
So I pray to
God, I'm like, "God,
00:26:48.17\00:26:49.77
everything is going really well,
00:26:49.80\00:26:51.31
but I wanna do your
will, so if it's your will,
00:26:51.34\00:26:54.58
allow this relationship
to continue to flourish
00:26:54.61\00:26:57.15
and like that our
families would really connect,"
00:26:57.18\00:27:00.32
'cause by then like our
families hadn't met yet.
00:27:00.35\00:27:03.99
"So and if it's not
your will, you know,
00:27:04.02\00:27:07.26
do what you gotta do."
00:27:07.29\00:27:08.62
Even though I was a
little bit scared to say that
00:27:08.66\00:27:10.93
because I didn't
want that to happen
00:27:10.96\00:27:12.43
but I wasn't willing.
00:27:12.46\00:27:14.66
So and then God
clearly showed me,
00:27:14.70\00:27:16.90
"No, this is
the person for you."
00:27:16.97\00:27:19.53
Yeah, because our
families eventually met
00:27:19.57\00:27:21.67
and you know,
when I met her family
00:27:21.70\00:27:24.37
I love them right
away and we all got along.
00:27:24.41\00:27:27.08
Once she met my parents,
they loved her immediately.
00:27:27.11\00:27:29.98
And they all felt like
everything was flowing.
00:27:30.05\00:27:31.88
And it was just a sign
00:27:31.91\00:27:33.42
that everything was
heading in the right direction.
00:27:33.45\00:27:34.85
So we didn't have
to force anything,
00:27:34.88\00:27:37.09
you know, so
yeah, it was a blessing.
00:27:37.12\00:27:41.19
Exactly, I'll agree with you.
00:27:41.22\00:27:42.86
And you guys didn't have
to use a test or anything?
00:27:42.89\00:27:45.33
I mean, did you guys, like
give the Lord a little test.
00:27:45.36\00:27:49.03
A test. Yeah, yeah, the test.
00:27:49.06\00:27:51.77
No? Yeah.
00:27:51.80\00:27:53.13
No, God, I mean I prayed to God
00:27:53.17\00:27:54.97
and he, you know, he
revealed everything to me.
00:27:55.00\00:27:57.41
That was our test.
00:27:57.44\00:27:58.81
I'd like to thank
you guys for sharing
00:27:58.84\00:28:00.51
and I'll see you next time.
00:28:00.58\00:28:01.91