On the Road 2 Romance,
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research shows
that X's need affection,
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but Y's are private.
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X's seek to have connectedness,
while Y's they are solitude,
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and X's want empathy,
Y's need their loyalty.
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Journey with us as we study
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and explore this Road 2 Romance.
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Hello, and
welcome to Road 2 Romance.
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I am your host Dr. John Jacob.
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Today we have with us
Miles, Bianca, and Sean.
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Welcome. Thanks for having us.
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Hi. Thanks for having us.
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So today I wanted to talk
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a little bit more about
the hormone, testosterone.
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We've been
talking about XY theory.
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We've been
talking about personality.
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But what you did not know was,
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testosterone is responsible
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for the
personality that you have.
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So let's take a look at
how this all came about.
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So testosterone
determines your personality tag.
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So if you are an XX, YY, YX, XY,
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that's your personality tag.
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Bianca, do you remember yours?
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It's YX. YX.
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What about you Miles? XX.
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XX.
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I'm an XX.
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Two have XX, so we have two XX's
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and a Y in the middle.
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We have all this
unusual stuff here.
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I know, right.
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I know.
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So let me explain to you,
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how you guys
actually got those tags.
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I know that I gave you a test
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and the test determined
what your personality was.
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But it wasn't really the
test, at least it wasn't me,
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and it wasn't in
the research I did.
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It was actually something
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that happened to
you several years ago.
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So let's take a look.
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There was a test that was done,
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and it's called
the newborn baby study.
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So there was a
scientist over in the UK
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who decided that
he could figure out
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which babies would
be born with autism.
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So that was his goal,
that was his life work.
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And he decided if
he could prenatally
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test to find out what kind
of fluids surrounded fetuses,
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he could use that
information to figure out,
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whether or not a child
would be autistic or not.
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So basically, he got
permission from 500 mothers,
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he did an amniocentesis
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and found out
that several babies
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were surrounded by testosterone,
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which is the hormone that
we're talking about today.
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Some babies had very little,
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but a lot of
babies had a huge amount.
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And so what he found
was the more testosterone
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surrounding a
child's body as a fetus,
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the more likely the child was,
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you know, to have autism.
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That's what he decided.
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Now it was a
hypothesis, he didn't know,
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he had to try it out.
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But here is the
interesting thing,
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he got
permission from the mothers
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to be there at
the point of birth,
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at least that
was what he wanted,
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what he asked for.
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But what do you
think the mother said?
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No.
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Absolutely not, who
wants a stranger to be in,
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you know, the room with them
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when they're
giving birth, right?
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So they agreed to one day later,
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so he came back
one day after birth
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and he was given
access to all these babies.
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So he decided to hold
up in front of the babies,
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remember they had
really poor vision right,
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so he came really close
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and he had a card that had
a picture of a woman smiling,
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a nice warm smile
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and then he also presented
them with a picture of a toy.
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Needless to say,
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most of the boys got really
excited when they saw the toy,
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and most of the girls
got excited when they saw,
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you know, the
picture of the warm face,
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but not all of them,
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some of the girls
actually got excited
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when they saw a picture of a toy
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and some boys, you know,
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got excited when they saw
the picture of the warn face.
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So he thought himself,
wow, maybe this means something.
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So he decided to
keep testing them.
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So at age two, he decided,
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let me see how their
vocabulary has been developing.
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And, as you would have guessed,
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one set of the
babies had about 600 words
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that they could use and about
10 words for the other set.
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So the babies that
were very, very talkative,
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he called them empathizers
and the babies that will not,
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he called them systemizers.
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So he wanted to see,
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if this would
continue on through,
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you know, the early childhood.
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So when they were four years old
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he gave them an empathy test.
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Lo and behold,
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the empathizers had high empathy
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and the
systemizers had low empathy.
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Okay, at age eight,
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he decided,
okay, conclusive test,
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I'm gonna give him an MRI,
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I'm gonna give the boys an MRI,
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I'm gonna give the girls.
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What he found
was the MRI confirmed
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all of his suspicions,
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which is, there's a
link between testosterone
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surrounding the fetus
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and what they turn out
to be later on in life.
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So I guess that's why
it tends to be more often
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that you get the man
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with a
particular personality type
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but it's not cut
and dry like that.
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Right, now,
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actually boys are four times
more likely to have autism.
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Right. Wow.
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That's an interesting fact.
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So of course, he had more
boys in his study, you know,
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showing that
they had this trait.
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But what was really interesting
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with this for XY theory is this,
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when I decided to
start this research,
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I realized that
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people had a
different type of personality,
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which we call now a
relationship personality.
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So I decided to use two
pillars to start communication
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and intimacy that was really,
really reliant on empathy.
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I did not know
anything about his study,
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and he didn't know
anything about mine.
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But as it turns out,
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he actually helped
corroborate our findings.
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So now we know that,
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that personality that
we've been talking about
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that you guys have,
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the one that the
test pointed out,
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you've had that
personality from in the womb.
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Because of this
relational, right.
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The relational personality,
not the social personality.
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Social personality is dependent
on your social environment.
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What kind of
parenting, you know, you've had.
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What your parents
exposed you to as a child.
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How they treated you.
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But prenatally,
there's no external influence.
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This is just who you are,
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which means that
it's very, very stable.
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The personality
that you guys discovered,
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it probably will not change
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which is why we've been
encouraging you to learn
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to adjust your personality,
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so that you could
fit in with someone else
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that you might want to spend
the rest of your life with.
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Makes sense.
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Does that make sense?
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Okay, so let's look
at this the China Study.
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What is the China Study?
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Have you heard
about it, has anyone...?
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A little bit.
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You heard a little bit about it.
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A little bit. Okay.
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So, China currently right now,
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they are having
a lot of problems.
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Well, I don't even
know if it's a problem,
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but their premier, you know,
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the leader he
thinks it's a problem.
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Now what they're
realizing is that
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the boys are not as masculine
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as they would like
them to be, interesting.
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So, China decided that,
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maybe we should make a
change to our schooling
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95% of the teachers there at
elementary schools are women,
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the same as here.
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But the Chinese believe that
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because they don't
have enough role models
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that are men in the schools,
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the boys are not seeing.
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You know, male role models
to become like and emulate,
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you know, masculine behavior.
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It's very interesting
though because, you know,
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they don't have a
divorce rate like we have.
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So the children could
still go home and they have...
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And see their fathers.
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Intact, yeah, two parent family.
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So I am not sure that
their hypothesis is correct.
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But that does not
matter, the fact is,
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they do have a problem.
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There're millions of
Chinese men that they feel
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more on the feminine
side than masculine side.
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So here's the thing,
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what does that
have to do with us?
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What it has to
do with us is this.
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Right here in America,
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we've been having a drop
in empathy among females.
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All right.
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So they've been having a drop
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in what I would say is
testosterone among males,
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causing them not to be
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as masculine as they would like,
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and we've been
having our females,
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especially college age
females with empathy dropping
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which makes them, you
know, less soft, less sensitive.
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So it's a worldwide
epidemic, it's a hormonal shift,
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a change that's
happening right now.
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Could there be...
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sorry to interrupt.
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Could that be because
there's a lot of women
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who are taking on
role as fathers in the home
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because there is, you know,
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in America has a tendency
of women raising their children
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in a single parent
home, so they have to take,
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they might have to lose a
little bit of their feminine
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aspects of them to
take on the male size
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as far as being
a disciplinarian-
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I know what you're saying.
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So I think that
could be a factor.
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You know, if you're
raised in a single parent home,
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mom has to be mom and dad.
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And she has to take on
that tough role, you know,
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be disciplinarian.
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And that's all you see.
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You know, if you're
raised in a two parent family,
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then of course, you know,
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you'd be able to
see dad with his role
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and if you're a boy,
you could identify with dad
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you know, dads
and their boys, right.
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And you'll be
able to see your mom
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and she can continue to just do
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what she needs to do
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instead of trying
to play both roles.
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So that
definitely could be a factor.
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But here's what you
guys need to keep in mind,
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this testosterone that
you have no control over,
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because it's,
you know, prenatal,
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it actually
masculinizes the brain.
00:09:06.57\00:09:09.48
So if you have a brain
that is more masculine,
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basically you have,
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for instance women
that turn out to be tomboys.
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And I know you guys have
some friends that are tomboys,
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I don't know, if you...
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Are you a tomboy?
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No, my sister is a
tomboy. Your sister is a tomboy.
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Okay, well, that is actually
00:09:23.69\00:09:25.03
caused by the
amount of testosterone
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that surrounds prenatally.
00:09:26.43\00:09:28.56
And you know,
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what does that
have to do with dating?
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It has everything
to do with dating.
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If you are a tomboy,
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you are most likely
going to be interested
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in what we call alpha males.
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Have you guys heard
of that term alpha males?
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Yeah. Yeah.
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Okay, alpha
males are alpha males
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because they too were surrounded
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by lot of testosterone.
00:09:44.51\00:09:45.85
So what we've been noticing is
00:09:45.88\00:09:47.32
we've had a lot
of women coming to us
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and saying, hey, Dr. Jacob,
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I am an XX type personality,
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which means I have a
high need for communication
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and I have a high
need for intimacy,
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but I'm really interested,
I'm really attracted to those,
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you know, the rough
guys, the guys that you know,
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like extreme
sports and you know,
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I'm attracted to
those alpha males.
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How do you
explain that, why is that?
00:10:07.37\00:10:10.11
Well it's easy.
00:10:10.14\00:10:11.51
What they were surrounded
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by in the womb was
enough to cause them
00:10:12.91\00:10:15.41
to be XX type personalities,
00:10:15.44\00:10:18.31
but it also caused some
people to be alpha females
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and some people to
not be alpha females.
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So they were attracted,
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they're
attracted to the opposite
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of what they
should be attracted to.
00:10:27.06\00:10:28.56
Unfortunately, most
alpha male are YY types,
00:10:28.59\00:10:31.26
so you see the conundrum,
00:10:31.29\00:10:32.63
you see the problem
they're gonna be having.
00:10:32.66\00:10:34.36
I am an XX, I need a guy
that is gonna talk a lot,
00:10:34.40\00:10:36.77
I need a guy
that is affectionate,
00:10:36.80\00:10:38.50
but I'm
attracted to that very guy
00:10:38.53\00:10:40.04
that is not because
of his rough exterior,
00:10:40.07\00:10:43.41
his alphaness.
00:10:43.44\00:10:44.87
And all of that
comes from testosterone.
00:10:44.91\00:10:47.28
All this complication with
all these different hormones
00:10:47.31\00:10:49.78
makes for really
difficult balance.
00:10:49.81\00:10:51.85
Yes, it's difficult,
and it's complicated.
00:10:51.88\00:10:54.22
And this is unfortunately
00:10:54.25\00:10:55.58
what we've gotten
00:10:55.62\00:10:56.99
coming all the way
back from creation,
00:10:57.02\00:10:59.12
when things were very
easy and things were simple.
00:10:59.15\00:11:01.52
But with every
progressive century,
00:11:01.56\00:11:02.96
guess what,
00:11:02.99\00:11:04.33
things become more
and more complicated.
00:11:04.36\00:11:05.69
So right now, the whole dating
00:11:05.73\00:11:07.60
and mating process
is extremely complex
00:11:07.63\00:11:10.27
which is why of course
we've tried to simplify it.
00:11:10.30\00:11:12.90
Take the guessing
game away from you
00:11:12.93\00:11:15.44
and create an algorithm
00:11:15.47\00:11:16.81
that could actually
take care of all of this.
00:11:16.84\00:11:18.47
So these ladies,
00:11:18.51\00:11:19.84
they don't actually
have to go out there
00:11:19.87\00:11:21.28
and find someone,
00:11:21.31\00:11:22.64
we have men that
we call coconuts.
00:11:22.68\00:11:25.31
Yeah.
00:11:25.35\00:11:26.72
Can you explain? Well, okay.
00:11:26.75\00:11:28.08
You think of coconut,
00:11:28.12\00:11:29.48
and I'm not talking about
the coconut that's still green
00:11:29.52\00:11:31.72
but the one that
you're getting in the store
00:11:31.75\00:11:33.36
and it has a brown shell, right.
00:11:33.39\00:11:35.86
Okay, so it has a hard exterior,
00:11:35.89\00:11:38.16
but you crack it
and inside its soft,
00:11:38.19\00:11:40.93
and there's white jelly,
00:11:40.96\00:11:42.30
and maybe sometimes
there is some water in it.
00:11:42.33\00:11:44.67
But a coconut is more
attractive and more...
00:11:44.70\00:11:48.04
how should I say,
00:11:48.07\00:11:50.14
adhesive when these
women decide to date
00:11:50.21\00:11:52.51
because this man,
00:11:52.54\00:11:53.88
he has the
exterior that they want,
00:11:53.91\00:11:55.31
so they are attracted to him,
00:11:55.34\00:11:56.68
but when they get
closed and they get intimate,
00:11:56.75\00:11:58.58
guess what, they find
that inside he's very soft
00:11:58.61\00:12:00.92
and he's very gentle.
00:12:00.95\00:12:02.32
So we actually try to set
those women up with coconuts.
00:12:02.35\00:12:05.92
Okay.
00:12:05.95\00:12:07.29
Okay, does that make sense?
00:12:07.36\00:12:08.69
Okay.
00:12:08.72\00:12:10.06
So you want to make sure that
00:12:10.09\00:12:11.43
if you're looking for a coconut,
00:12:11.46\00:12:12.79
you actually getting a coconut.
00:12:12.83\00:12:14.16
My mom used to buy coconuts,
and she would shake that,
00:12:14.20\00:12:16.06
you can't shake your man.
00:12:16.10\00:12:17.67
You gonna have to test them,
00:12:17.70\00:12:19.03
that's the only way
you're gonna be able to do it.
00:12:19.07\00:12:20.84
But you want to
get away from someone
00:12:20.87\00:12:22.60
who is going to have
a controlling problem.
00:12:22.64\00:12:24.64
I mean no one wants to be
controlled in a relationship.
00:12:24.67\00:12:27.28
In fact it's one
of the primary reasons
00:12:27.31\00:12:29.08
why relationships fail.
00:12:29.11\00:12:30.55
You get into
relationship with someone
00:12:30.58\00:12:31.91
and you begin to realize
00:12:31.95\00:12:33.45
that they want to
control your every move.
00:12:33.52\00:12:35.72
This is more likely
00:12:35.75\00:12:37.32
with controlling Y
types or the coconuts.
00:12:37.39\00:12:40.56
Okay.
00:12:40.59\00:12:41.92
And one more thing
I wanted to tell you,
00:12:41.96\00:12:44.03
testosterone is
actually also responsible
00:12:44.06\00:12:46.70
for ending a lot of
relationships prematurely.
00:12:46.73\00:12:50.70
Why is that?
00:12:50.77\00:12:52.37
Well, apparently your
brain has the capacity
00:12:52.40\00:12:56.07
to taste testosterone.
00:12:56.10\00:12:58.64
Say what now?
00:12:58.67\00:13:00.81
Yes, it's true.
00:13:00.88\00:13:03.45
When you kiss someone,
00:13:03.48\00:13:05.28
your brain
actually samples the saliva
00:13:05.31\00:13:10.29
and your brain
decides whether or not,
00:13:10.32\00:13:13.39
it likes this testosterone,
00:13:13.46\00:13:16.93
this testosterone it is getting
00:13:16.96\00:13:18.29
from the person
that you're kissing
00:13:18.33\00:13:19.79
and your brain
actually can tune you in,
00:13:19.83\00:13:22.90
or tune you off from the person.
00:13:22.93\00:13:24.50
You've heard a
lot of people say,
00:13:24.53\00:13:25.87
you know what, I went
on a date with this guy
00:13:25.90\00:13:27.97
and the first kiss
and I just thought,
00:13:28.00\00:13:30.91
ah, this is not gonna work out.
00:13:30.94\00:13:32.71
Have you ever
heard anybody say that?
00:13:32.74\00:13:34.08
Yeah.
00:13:34.11\00:13:35.44
The first kiss,
it's not gonna work out.
00:13:35.48\00:13:36.85
Well, the reason for
that is the brain said,
00:13:36.88\00:13:38.21
I don't like this
guy, I don't like this guy.
00:13:38.25\00:13:40.98
So that your taste buds,
00:13:41.02\00:13:42.35
your brain actually gets
the taste of the testosterone
00:13:42.38\00:13:45.22
through that and
makes a decision for you.
00:13:45.25\00:13:47.79
All right.
00:13:47.82\00:13:49.16
So this isn't
encouraging, you know, a lot of,
00:13:49.19\00:13:53.06
whole lot of kissing before.
00:13:53.09\00:13:54.43
Exactly, exactly, right.
00:13:54.46\00:13:55.80
But...
00:13:55.83\00:13:57.17
That's right.
00:13:57.20\00:13:58.53
You actually
could lose your chances
00:13:58.57\00:13:59.90
with a good match
if you get, you know,
00:13:59.93\00:14:02.40
ultra-physical and
do a lot of the things,
00:14:02.44\00:14:04.67
a lot of the things that
your parents have told you,
00:14:04.71\00:14:06.31
yeah, you know
what, you know, hold back,
00:14:06.34\00:14:08.08
you don't have to rush
into all of this physicality
00:14:08.11\00:14:10.35
because it really
does more harm than good.
00:14:10.38\00:14:12.51
Right.
00:14:12.55\00:14:13.92
And I'm not, I'm
not shutting down
00:14:13.95\00:14:15.35
all you folks out
there, who, you know,
00:14:15.38\00:14:17.39
like to have a kiss or whatever,
00:14:17.42\00:14:20.46
but just to let you know,
it could work against you.
00:14:20.49\00:14:24.76
Thank you for this.
00:14:24.79\00:14:26.13
You're welcome.
00:14:26.16\00:14:27.50
So this was good
00:14:27.53\00:14:29.70
and we'd you like
to see you guys again.
00:14:29.73\00:14:31.70
So until I see you next time.
00:14:31.73\00:14:33.07
All right.
00:14:33.10\00:14:34.44
Hello, and welcome
back to Road 2 Romance.
00:14:42.28\00:14:44.78
We're joined again
by Vania and Jeremiah.
00:14:44.81\00:14:47.68
I thought we could talk today
a little more about hormones
00:14:47.72\00:14:50.62
and how they affect marriage.
00:14:50.69\00:14:52.85
As you know
testosterone is responsible
00:14:52.89\00:14:54.96
for lot of male behavior.
00:14:54.99\00:14:57.66
It helps you to
protect your wife,
00:14:57.69\00:15:00.13
it also helps you
to protect your kids
00:15:00.20\00:15:02.03
when you have them
00:15:02.06\00:15:03.40
but it's also
responsible for sex drive.
00:15:03.47\00:15:06.37
So from the day you guys
came back from your honeymoon,
00:15:06.40\00:15:10.11
believe it or not Jeremiah
00:15:10.14\00:15:11.47
your testosterone
level has been dropping.
00:15:11.51\00:15:13.24
Well, is that right?
00:15:13.27\00:15:14.61
Absolutely. Wow.
00:15:14.64\00:15:16.04
And when Vania says to you,
00:15:16.08\00:15:17.85
you know I think we
should start a family,
00:15:17.88\00:15:20.32
on the day she says that to you,
00:15:20.35\00:15:22.28
it takes another dive.
00:15:22.32\00:15:23.69
Wow.
00:15:23.72\00:15:25.05
We should have
skipped the honeymoon.
00:15:25.09\00:15:27.36
No, don't skip the honeymoon.
00:15:27.39\00:15:28.79
And then after that
when the kids are born,
00:15:28.82\00:15:30.73
it drops again.
00:15:30.76\00:15:32.89
So the problem with
that is as it drops,
00:15:32.93\00:15:35.66
your sex drive drops.
00:15:35.70\00:15:38.00
And that often affects marriages
00:15:38.03\00:15:39.63
because most
couples are not prepared
00:15:39.67\00:15:41.77
for the hormonal changes
00:15:41.80\00:15:43.20
that marriage and family brings.
00:15:43.24\00:15:45.34
Okay.
00:15:45.37\00:15:46.71
And why is that?
00:15:46.78\00:15:48.11
Like, why does it drop?
00:15:48.14\00:15:49.48
Well, it drops
because of a change of focus,
00:15:49.51\00:15:51.05
because his mind, once you
say, okay, let's have a family,
00:15:51.08\00:15:54.25
now he becomes the protector.
00:15:54.32\00:15:56.28
He's not just a husband anymore,
00:15:56.32\00:15:57.65
but now he has to be thinking
I have to provide, you know,
00:15:57.69\00:16:01.16
I have to
possibly get a better job.
00:16:01.19\00:16:03.73
Now I have to worry
about the security of my family
00:16:03.76\00:16:05.73
and the stability of my family.
00:16:05.76\00:16:07.50
You know, his mindset
shifts from, you know,
00:16:07.53\00:16:10.67
just you and himself to,
00:16:10.70\00:16:13.64
well, now we have
these little mouths to feed.
00:16:13.67\00:16:15.44
Okay.
00:16:15.47\00:16:16.81
And the same thing
happens to you too.
00:16:16.84\00:16:18.17
When the kids are born,
00:16:18.21\00:16:19.84
your estrogen level drops
00:16:19.87\00:16:22.31
because you are now focusing on,
00:16:22.34\00:16:24.38
you know, raising the kids.
00:16:24.41\00:16:26.18
The oxytocin which
is a bonding hormone
00:16:26.21\00:16:28.85
that binds you two together,
00:16:28.88\00:16:31.25
for you, you
refocus that to the children
00:16:31.29\00:16:33.46
and you move it
away from Jeremiah,
00:16:33.49\00:16:35.66
who will begin to
feel a little neglected.
00:16:35.69\00:16:40.30
So whether she
intended to do that or not,
00:16:40.33\00:16:42.56
it just kind of happens
naturally that she will...
00:16:42.60\00:16:44.00
Yeah.
00:16:44.07\00:16:45.40
It happens naturally,
00:16:45.43\00:16:46.77
it happens in
almost all families,
00:16:46.80\00:16:48.14
but that combination of hormones
00:16:48.17\00:16:49.50
also causes problems
for a lot of other people
00:16:49.54\00:16:51.64
so it's testosterone,
00:16:51.67\00:16:53.01
it's estrogen,
and it's oxytocin.
00:16:53.04\00:16:55.24
But that combination
actually forces a lot of couples
00:16:55.28\00:16:58.61
to make a
decision to forgo marriage,
00:16:58.65\00:17:01.95
and actually live together.
00:17:01.98\00:17:04.69
And so sometimes they think that
00:17:04.72\00:17:06.05
they're just doing
it for financial reasons
00:17:06.09\00:17:07.56
and eventually it does become,
00:17:07.59\00:17:08.92
you know, a
financial consideration,
00:17:08.96\00:17:11.36
if you're gonna
be paying one rent,
00:17:11.39\00:17:12.99
you know, but
primarily or initially
00:17:13.03\00:17:16.80
it really is the
hormone that drives them
00:17:16.87\00:17:19.30
to make that decision.
00:17:19.33\00:17:21.10
Now we've talked previously
about your prefrontal cortex
00:17:21.14\00:17:25.14
being responsible for most
of the decisions that you make.
00:17:25.17\00:17:28.01
In other words,
00:17:28.04\00:17:29.38
we are not left to
the whim of our hormones.
00:17:29.41\00:17:32.18
Our hormones can push us
but we make the final decision.
00:17:32.21\00:17:36.89
So it might
interest you to know that
00:17:36.92\00:17:38.25
about 70% of folks
that get married today,
00:17:38.29\00:17:42.72
about 70% of them
actually live together first
00:17:42.76\00:17:45.96
or cohabitate first.
00:17:45.99\00:17:47.80
Okay.
00:17:47.83\00:17:49.16
And it's unfortunate.
00:17:49.20\00:17:50.57
I understand why some
people think they should do it,
00:17:50.60\00:17:53.64
but it's never
really a good thing.
00:17:53.67\00:17:56.54
Hormonally it's
a horrible thing.
00:17:56.57\00:17:58.77
Now when you guys first
met, you had your first stage,
00:17:58.81\00:18:03.28
you had several
hormones, you had dopamine,
00:18:03.35\00:18:05.28
you had serotonin, right.
00:18:05.31\00:18:07.02
And those are responsible
forget having you guys,
00:18:07.05\00:18:09.15
all giddy and
excited about each other.
00:18:09.18\00:18:12.12
And then you move
to some other stages
00:18:12.15\00:18:13.69
and then finally you got
down to the stage of bonding
00:18:13.76\00:18:15.89
which require oxytocin.
00:18:15.92\00:18:18.09
But when you cohabitate,
it circumvents their process,
00:18:18.13\00:18:21.66
it kind of stops it short.
00:18:21.70\00:18:24.10
And so you don't
go through the stages
00:18:24.17\00:18:25.50
that you need to go through.
00:18:25.53\00:18:26.87
Now the first
two or three stages,
00:18:26.94\00:18:28.50
when you meet with each other
00:18:28.54\00:18:29.87
the hormones actually
blind you to the force
00:18:29.90\00:18:32.84
that Jeremiah has and Jeremiah,
00:18:32.87\00:18:35.51
the same thing
happened with Vania.
00:18:35.54\00:18:37.05
When you guys
were first excited,
00:18:37.08\00:18:38.41
the serotonin
put the butterflies
00:18:38.45\00:18:40.02
in your stomach,
00:18:40.05\00:18:41.38
you know that
feeling of euphoria,
00:18:41.42\00:18:42.88
you guys could have been
up all night on the phone,
00:18:42.92\00:18:45.09
you know just talking,
00:18:45.12\00:18:46.45
you have to go to
work the next day.
00:18:46.49\00:18:47.82
Right, all hours.
00:18:47.86\00:18:49.19
You guys both had to
go to work the next day,
00:18:49.22\00:18:50.56
but now it's
four in the morning,
00:18:50.63\00:18:51.96
and you still
talking on the phone,
00:18:51.99\00:18:53.33
well, serotonin was
responsible for that.
00:18:53.36\00:18:54.70
All of that
excitement begins the bond.
00:18:54.73\00:18:57.63
But the problem
with cohabitation is
00:18:57.67\00:18:59.40
your brain cannot
tell the difference
00:18:59.43\00:19:01.47
between two people
that are legally married
00:19:01.50\00:19:04.64
and two people that
are just living together.
00:19:04.67\00:19:07.98
That makes sense. Yeah.
00:19:08.01\00:19:09.34
Your brain has no idea,
00:19:09.38\00:19:10.75
your brain doesn't recognize
00:19:10.78\00:19:12.11
whether the piece of
paper was signed or not.
00:19:12.15\00:19:13.48
Exactly.
00:19:13.52\00:19:14.85
So your brain begins
to treat the two of you
00:19:14.88\00:19:17.42
as if you are a married couple
00:19:17.49\00:19:20.36
and skips all of the fun
things up in the beginning
00:19:20.39\00:19:24.16
that were supposed to
bind you guys together.
00:19:24.23\00:19:26.26
Because a lot of
you know, couples
00:19:26.29\00:19:28.06
when you get into
problems, you know what you do,
00:19:28.10\00:19:29.90
you think back to
how life was before.
00:19:29.93\00:19:32.83
Remember,
Jeremiah, when we were dating
00:19:32.87\00:19:34.24
and we went to Paris
00:19:34.27\00:19:35.60
and we did this and we did that.
00:19:35.64\00:19:37.01
Well, you think
about things like that.
00:19:37.04\00:19:38.64
And so without
having all of those memories
00:19:38.67\00:19:42.31
to bow you into difficult times,
00:19:42.34\00:19:44.68
cohabitation is
sometimes a very,
00:19:44.71\00:19:46.72
very rough way to go.
00:19:46.75\00:19:48.25
So some people get together
before they even have that bond
00:19:48.28\00:19:50.89
so that oxytocin
hasn't had a chance you know,
00:19:50.92\00:19:53.22
to actually bind them together.
00:19:53.25\00:19:55.39
And so they're thinking
that they're saving money
00:19:55.42\00:19:57.89
or saving time,
00:19:57.93\00:19:59.36
but they're
actually hurting themselves,
00:19:59.39\00:20:01.16
and setting themselves up for
00:20:01.20\00:20:02.93
potential divorce down the road.
00:20:02.96\00:20:04.77
All right.
00:20:04.80\00:20:06.13
Now, I understand that you
guys didn't make that choice.
00:20:06.17\00:20:09.64
Yeah, for me- You
made the right choice.
00:20:09.67\00:20:11.37
Yeah, I felt like,
00:20:11.41\00:20:13.11
it wasn't even
an option, you know,
00:20:13.14\00:20:14.61
as far as us living together.
00:20:14.64\00:20:16.88
I've always viewed her
as like my personal queen
00:20:16.95\00:20:20.55
and I felt like, she was
sent from heaven, you know,
00:20:20.62\00:20:23.59
by God to be with me
00:20:23.62\00:20:25.05
and my job was to
be the type of man that
00:20:25.09\00:20:28.96
when we look back on our history
00:20:28.99\00:20:30.56
on where we started,
00:20:30.63\00:20:32.19
it feel proud that
00:20:32.23\00:20:33.70
we were able to wait
for the appropriate time
00:20:33.73\00:20:36.87
before we took the relationship
to different stages.
00:20:36.90\00:20:39.93
Like I appreciate that
we took the right steps
00:20:39.97\00:20:42.57
and we did them at
the appropriate times
00:20:42.60\00:20:44.47
and through Easter,
00:20:44.51\00:20:45.84
we appreciate it, you know,
00:20:45.87\00:20:47.21
the journey because it was about
00:20:47.28\00:20:48.61
where we wanted to go
00:20:48.64\00:20:49.98
and to be able to look back
00:20:50.01\00:20:51.35
and be able to share
the story with everyone
00:20:51.38\00:20:54.05
as we are right
now and to feel like,
00:20:54.12\00:20:56.12
we made the right decision,
00:20:56.15\00:20:57.49
so that was important to me.
00:20:57.52\00:20:58.85
Very nice.
00:20:58.89\00:21:00.26
Yeah, and what I
wanted to add is that
00:21:00.29\00:21:01.62
this is a decision
that you make in advance.
00:21:01.66\00:21:04.53
So you can be very
intentional about your decision,
00:21:04.56\00:21:08.03
so because a lot
of people you know,
00:21:08.06\00:21:11.00
end up in a situation
00:21:11.03\00:21:12.47
and maybe they think they
couldn't help or you know,
00:21:12.50\00:21:15.97
like that but you
can be very intentional
00:21:16.00\00:21:18.14
about the decisions you
make and what's what we did.
00:21:18.17\00:21:20.71
We wanted to...
00:21:20.78\00:21:22.11
we did not want to live
together before getting married
00:21:22.14\00:21:25.01
and we wanted to
wait, you know like,
00:21:25.05\00:21:27.32
for us it was something
really, really special.
00:21:27.35\00:21:29.85
And I think that's one of
the best decisions we've made,
00:21:29.88\00:21:32.65
because you do experience
the blessing afterward.
00:21:32.69\00:21:35.59
After you get married,
00:21:35.62\00:21:37.13
you understand why God
intended this to be special.
00:21:37.16\00:21:40.33
Exactly. Absolutely, absolutely.
00:21:40.40\00:21:42.33
And you know the
power of oxytocin,
00:21:42.36\00:21:43.80
we've talked about
it being super glue.
00:21:43.87\00:21:46.50
And until you're sure,
00:21:46.53\00:21:47.87
I mean you can never be sure
how something is gonna turn-out
00:21:47.90\00:21:50.91
until you
actually, you know, married,
00:21:50.94\00:21:53.88
and you've signed
on that dotted line,
00:21:53.91\00:21:56.04
you cannot be sure.
00:21:56.08\00:21:57.45
Jeremiah could have
the best intensions,
00:21:57.48\00:22:00.22
but until he follows through,
you have no way of knowing.
00:22:00.25\00:22:03.89
You know, we have
thousands of people,
00:22:03.92\00:22:05.52
who have gone
another route, another route,
00:22:05.55\00:22:08.62
and, you know,
things didn't work out.
00:22:08.66\00:22:10.43
And then if one person is left,
so to speak holding the bag,
00:22:10.46\00:22:13.83
you know of emotions
00:22:13.90\00:22:15.46
and it's usually the person
00:22:15.50\00:22:16.87
who is the X-type
in the relationship.
00:22:16.90\00:22:19.77
So that's important,
that's something that you...
00:22:19.80\00:22:21.14
Yeah, that makes sense,
00:22:21.17\00:22:22.50
because I've
never felt disattached.
00:22:22.54\00:22:24.87
Right.
00:22:24.91\00:22:26.24
You know like,
we are like so close
00:22:26.27\00:22:27.61
and it's like
such a beautiful thing.
00:22:27.64\00:22:29.64
It's like every day
is beautiful, you know,
00:22:29.68\00:22:32.15
doesn't mean that
00:22:32.18\00:22:33.52
we don't have our
ups and downs of course,
00:22:33.55\00:22:35.95
but it's the way you go about it
00:22:35.98\00:22:37.72
and it's how you
approach each day.
00:22:37.75\00:22:41.52
And I think, yeah, it's
a blessing, it's a seal,
00:22:41.56\00:22:45.06
it's something very sacred.
00:22:45.09\00:22:46.63
And for me I feel
like, had we taken, you know,
00:22:46.70\00:22:49.90
just had one misstep,
00:22:49.93\00:22:51.67
it could have been you
know a difference between
00:22:51.70\00:22:53.47
having the all
00:22:53.54\00:22:55.07
with the full
blessing of God or not,
00:22:55.10\00:22:57.21
you know, the God
having to say, okay,
00:22:57.24\00:22:58.94
you guys didn't do everything
that I wanted you to do,
00:22:58.97\00:23:01.34
but I'm still
gonna bless you anyway.
00:23:01.38\00:23:02.71
So we felt like
doing it the right way
00:23:02.74\00:23:04.65
and waiting to
have the experiences
00:23:04.68\00:23:07.25
that we're being able to
enjoy now as a married couple.
00:23:07.32\00:23:09.92
We were able to
enjoy the full blessing
00:23:09.95\00:23:11.42
that God has in store for us.
00:23:11.45\00:23:12.79
Yeah.
00:23:12.82\00:23:14.16
And it wasn't like
a burden or a chore,
00:23:14.19\00:23:15.66
it was what I wanted to do.
00:23:15.69\00:23:18.26
So it was like, this
is what my heart wanted.
00:23:18.29\00:23:21.56
You know, so it wasn't like,
oh, like a checklist approach.
00:23:21.60\00:23:25.13
No, this is what I wanted to do.
00:23:25.17\00:23:27.34
And I think if you
truly want to do something,
00:23:27.37\00:23:30.91
God will also give you
the strength and the wisdom
00:23:30.94\00:23:35.04
and everything you need
00:23:35.08\00:23:36.41
and take it just
day-by-day, baby steps.
00:23:36.44\00:23:39.18
Absolutely.
00:23:39.21\00:23:40.62
And I heard you mentioned
that you had to be intentional,
00:23:40.65\00:23:42.92
so I'm guessing that
you guys probably avoided
00:23:42.95\00:23:46.15
being alone
together in dark places
00:23:46.19\00:23:49.46
or sitting in the car, I mean,
00:23:49.49\00:23:50.83
you must have
been intentional about
00:23:50.86\00:23:52.26
what you did and where you went.
00:23:52.29\00:23:54.20
I'm glad that you brought up,
00:23:54.23\00:23:55.56
that's actually the next
one that I was gonna make.
00:23:55.60\00:23:57.90
I definitely felt
like, you know, just because,
00:23:57.93\00:24:01.00
I mean you're
gonna just look at her,
00:24:01.04\00:24:02.37
if she's a
beautiful woman but you know,
00:24:02.40\00:24:05.24
regardless of that,
00:24:05.27\00:24:06.61
I just knew that I
respected the fact that
00:24:06.68\00:24:09.34
she wanted to wait,
00:24:09.38\00:24:10.75
because I
wanted to wait as well.
00:24:10.78\00:24:12.11
Right.
00:24:12.15\00:24:13.48
And so for me,
it wasn't an option.
00:24:13.52\00:24:14.85
But like you said, you know,
00:24:14.88\00:24:16.22
you have to be smart
about the things that you do,
00:24:16.25\00:24:18.35
situations that
you place yourself in
00:24:18.39\00:24:20.06
and things like that in
order to be able to sustain it.
00:24:20.09\00:24:23.73
I'm glad that you guys decided
to use your prefrontal cortex
00:24:23.76\00:24:28.26
to make the right decision
00:24:28.30\00:24:29.63
as oppose to letting
your hormones take over.
00:24:29.66\00:24:32.23
You know as we read the Bible
from Genesis to Revelation,
00:24:32.27\00:24:34.44
there are tons of
stories about individuals
00:24:34.47\00:24:37.54
who allowed their hormones
to rule instead of their head.
00:24:37.61\00:24:41.51
You know, instead of
thinking things through.
00:24:41.54\00:24:44.15
Samson definitely comes to mind,
00:24:44.18\00:24:46.31
and it seems sometimes
00:24:46.35\00:24:47.68
some of us that are the most
gifted are also the ones that
00:24:47.72\00:24:50.49
need to be the most careful.
00:24:50.52\00:24:52.22
We know what Samson was,
00:24:52.25\00:24:53.59
he was the
strong man in the Bible,
00:24:53.66\00:24:55.12
and we're talking
about testosterone today,
00:24:55.16\00:24:57.23
so when you'd think about some
of the things that Samson did,
00:24:57.26\00:25:00.20
he would not have
been able to do those
00:25:00.23\00:25:01.66
without testosterone,
00:25:01.70\00:25:03.03
because testosterone
really is what gives you
00:25:03.06\00:25:05.47
strength and dominance.
00:25:05.50\00:25:07.57
But the problem is
if he was gifted by God
00:25:07.64\00:25:09.57
with testosterone,
00:25:09.60\00:25:11.17
so that he can do what
he did to the Philistines,
00:25:11.21\00:25:13.98
there is a dark
side to testosterone
00:25:14.01\00:25:16.18
that God knew about and
apparently Samson didn't
00:25:16.21\00:25:19.35
and the dark side is
it causes you to also
00:25:19.38\00:25:22.12
engage in high risk behavior.
00:25:22.15\00:25:25.39
And so you saw what
Samson did with Delilah
00:25:25.42\00:25:27.69
and how he lost his hair
00:25:27.72\00:25:30.23
and then lost his
eyes, high risk behavior.
00:25:30.26\00:25:33.13
What Samson needed to do
00:25:33.16\00:25:34.50
with the
testosterone that he had,
00:25:34.53\00:25:36.43
was give himself
wholly and completely to God,
00:25:36.46\00:25:39.17
so that God could control
the dark side of that gift,
00:25:39.20\00:25:42.50
because gifts have dark sides.
00:25:42.54\00:25:44.64
It's unfortunate
that we have to live
00:25:44.67\00:25:47.58
with these hormones that we have
00:25:47.61\00:25:49.14
that were given to
us in the Garden of Eden
00:25:49.18\00:25:51.81
for good purposes.
00:25:51.85\00:25:53.35
Oxytocin would have kept
Adam and Eve together forever.
00:25:53.42\00:25:57.19
Testosterone is what Adam
used to command the animals,
00:25:57.22\00:25:59.85
because the Bible
said he had dominion
00:25:59.89\00:26:01.22
over the whole earth.
00:26:01.26\00:26:02.59
Correct.
00:26:02.62\00:26:03.96
And so a lot of these hormones
00:26:04.03\00:26:05.36
that give us a
really difficult time
00:26:05.39\00:26:06.73
outside of the
garden were intended
00:26:06.76\00:26:08.66
for really good
purposes, for good uses.
00:26:08.70\00:26:11.60
Even the serotonin
00:26:11.63\00:26:12.97
that helps you to not
see your partner's faults.
00:26:13.00\00:26:16.10
But outside of the garden,
00:26:16.14\00:26:17.64
it prevents you from seeing
00:26:17.67\00:26:19.07
the true intention of the person
00:26:19.11\00:26:20.48
that is actually
trying to court you
00:26:20.51\00:26:22.41
and hopefully
date you and marry you.
00:26:22.44\00:26:24.41
So you see how
outside of the garden,
00:26:24.45\00:26:26.18
these very gifts
that were given inside
00:26:26.21\00:26:28.95
of Eden are causing havoc.
00:26:28.98\00:26:32.25
Does that make
sense? Yes, definitely.
00:26:32.29\00:26:33.66
Makes perfect sense. Yeah.
00:26:33.69\00:26:35.02
I'd like to thank
you both for sharing,
00:26:35.06\00:26:37.33
and I'll see you next time.
00:26:37.36\00:26:38.69
Thank you.
00:26:38.73\00:26:40.10