Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Sean Brereton, Miles Rashad, Bianca Acosta, Jeremiah Dieujuste, Vania Dieujuste
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000019A
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00:22 Hello and welcome to "Road to Romance"
00:24 I'm your host Dr. John Jacob 00:26 Today, I have with me Vania and Jeremiah, welcome! 00:31 Thank you. It's good to be back. 00:32 So today, we're going to talk about hormones, 00:34 and it's, you know, a good discussion, it's interesting, 00:38 you'll learn some new things, 00:39 and you'll also learn some things to avoid. 00:42 You guys are a new couple and we want to make sure that 00:45 we keep you guys together forever, 00:47 that's the goal, right? Yes! 00:49 So oxytocin is the most important hormone 00:52 to you two guys. 00:53 You've heard about dopamine and you've heard about 00:56 testosterone, you've heard about a host of chemicals, 00:58 but this particular chemical, it's a hormone and it's 01:01 absolutely important to bonding... 01:03 So, let me give you a few facts about it. 01:06 It is created in the hypothalamus of your brain. 01:09 There's a little center in the middle of your brain that 01:12 actually produces the neurotransmitter, oxytocin, 01:15 but there's a lot that you could do to increase the production. 01:19 So oxytocin is the glue that keeps couples together. 01:24 And, you know you go through various stages 01:26 of a relationship and when you get to the last stage, 01:29 and for a lot of people, it's an "if" to get the last stage, 01:32 you have survived because oxytocin has made it possible. 01:36 It keeps you guys together just like glue. Okay? 01:39 So, for instance, oxytocin causes you to make what we call 01:45 oxytocin bids or oxy bids where you actually bid 01:48 for the attention or the affection of your partner. 01:51 So Vania, when he reached out his hand to grab your hand, 01:56 the last time you guys were walking the beach, 01:59 and you thought it was something that he thought of? 02:01 Not so much! 02:03 It was his hormone, oxytocin, that was 02:05 was causing him to reach out. 02:06 You brain tells you when you are low in oxytocin 02:08 and when you get low, your brain says, 02:10 "Hey, why don't you reach out and grab a hand," 02:14 and when you do that, immediately, 02:16 oxytocin begins to flow through your body. 02:20 So it's an automatic mechanism intended, of course, 02:23 to keep you guys together. 02:25 Now what we found is that oxytocin is also 02:27 responsible for the feeling of forgiveness... 02:31 You know how you've asked people to forgive and forget? 02:33 Well this is a recent discovery that couples who find it 02:37 easy to forgive and forget their shortcomings 02:40 are couples who have a lot of oxytocin going around. 02:44 Interesting! Yeah? 02:45 So the goal, the goal with oxytocin is to make sure 02:48 that you keep those levels really, really high up. Okay? 02:52 Now, they found also that when couples stray, 02:56 or if a partner strays... 02:58 You know we used to think that it had something to do 03:01 primarily with a sex drive, and now what they're realizing 03:05 is that very often, that's not it at all. 03:07 So we call it, you know we have a name for everything. 03:11 We call this one in XY Theory, we call it "type infidelity." 03:16 So type infidelity means this... 03:18 You guys have your personality types, 03:20 remember we looked at them? Yes 03:21 Okay, your personality types drive your needs. 03:25 It tells you what type of needs your wife has, 03:28 and it tells you, Vania, what your husband 03:31 needs on a regular daily basis. That's correct. 03:33 Here's the problem... 03:35 If you were to ignore his needs for a long period of time, 03:40 and he were to go to work or wherever - travel maybe, 03:45 and those needs have not been met, 03:48 he actually does not have to plan to be unfaithful to you. 03:53 Why? Because his brain is working all the time, 03:56 and what the brain says to him is, "Hey, remember 04:00 Miss Jones right across the cubical from where you are, 04:03 you notice how she always smiles at you? 04:06 You notice how you feel when she smiles at you?" 04:08 And then he'll say, "And what about Mary behind you? 04:11 She's always talking and you love conversation, 04:14 but you're not getting much of that at home anymore, are you?" 04:17 Now these are not his thoughts, he is not intentional 04:21 with this at all... this is his brain talking 04:24 and saying, "I need oxytocin." 04:27 So what I hear you saying is that my brain 04:29 has a mind of its own pretty much? 04:31 Yes, absolutely! 04:33 Your brain has a mind of its own, that's correct. 04:36 Can't argue with that. 04:37 So and he would be completely innocent? 04:39 We just have to blame the brain? 04:42 Laughter... No blaming the brain, 04:46 and "no," he's not completely innocent. 04:49 And if you thought he were completely innocent, 04:51 you wouldn't be laughing, right? 04:53 No, he has a responsibility, I'm glad you asked, 04:56 but we have a rather large brain - one of the largest 04:59 in the animal kingdom and the brain has a prefrontal 05:04 cortex - right about here, and your prefrontal cortex 05:07 is responsible for all final decisions. Right 05:10 So no matter what the hormones say to him, 05:13 no matter what they prompt him to do, 05:15 the final decision is still his. Okay 05:18 He has to make that decision. 05:19 Now, he'll have the feeling, he'll have the inclination, 05:23 but he could say, "Shut it down, shut it down right now." 05:26 And that's where like a moral compass would kick in. 05:28 And that's where your moral compass comes in. Exactly 05:31 So, you know, and we trust that 05:33 that is working as it should because it's supposed to 05:37 click in and say, "Hey, you know what? You have a moral 05:40 obligation to your wife and you don't want to do this, 05:43 and all of this is in that prefrontal cortex. 05:45 There are some other areas in your brain that are 05:47 responsible for moral decisions, but they all work in tandem. 05:50 They work hand-in-hand to make sure that you don't go there. 05:53 But my problem, my worry is whether or not you or 05:58 other guys out there would notice the steps. 06:01 You see, we only notice something when it's 06:03 uncomfortable - when we feel the burn. 06:08 We don't notice it when, for instance, 06:10 Mary approaches you and you guys are having conversation 06:12 maybe for a couple of months and the conversation is 06:17 really very superficial, is very platonic, 06:20 there's nothing inappropriate, 06:22 as far as you're concerned, right? 06:23 Until the day your brain says, "Hey, Jeremiah, 06:27 you noticed something? 06:29 You're closer, you're more bonded with Mary 06:32 than you are with Vania, what are you going to do about that? 06:37 I'm a little tired of having a short fall on oxytocin. 06:41 Why don't you hook up with Mary" - tell Vania that 06:44 you guys have drifted apart... you've heard that before. Yes 06:48 When people say that, that's what's happening. 06:50 It's the brain that is saying, "I am tired of NOT 06:53 receiving what I need and so I think you should make that 06:56 "immoral" move." Right 06:59 So what we need to do is to help you guys to recognize 07:03 the bids - once you recognize the bids, Vania you could 07:07 keep providing him with the oxytocin that he needs 07:10 and he should never, ever find himself here. 07:13 And I would think that it's also wise that you have to look at 07:20 what you do, like prevent certain things like prevent 07:25 getting into certain situations. 07:27 That's a good point. 07:29 Being intentional about how you deal with the opposite sex, 07:33 and, yeah, what kind of friendships you have. 07:37 Don't put yourself in certain situations. 07:38 Now you know, people talk a lot about emotional infidelity, 07:42 but there is social infidelity as well because if you 07:46 put yourself in a social situation where you're 07:48 befriending someone or you're confiding in them 07:50 about your life, about your wife, about your marriage, 07:53 you're not emotional yet, but it's coming... 07:58 So you have to be careful where you put yourself, 08:00 you know, if you want to keep yourself protected. 08:02 Also, we tend to focus on connection. 08:05 "What is it that's going to keep me connected to my wife," 08:08 but we don't focus so much on disconnectors, 08:10 and there are quite a few disconnectors. 08:12 Here's one... We know for a fact now that 08:15 fatigue, tiredness, stress, depletes the oxytocin level. 08:21 So if you come from home and from work and Vania says, 08:24 "Hey, help me around the house, please - I'm tired, 08:26 I've been working all day," and you say, 08:28 "You know honey, I'm a little more tired that you are." 08:29 That wouldn't work. 08:32 That wouldn't work, right? It wouldn't work well for Vania, 08:34 but if it worked with anyone at all, guess what happens? 08:36 The oxytocin level goes down and it goes down, 08:40 and, of course, later on that night maybe the husband is 08:43 feeling a little amorous and he wants to get together with 08:46 his wife in a physical way and she doesn't want to. 08:49 Why? Because this is the level that her oxytocin has reduced to 08:53 and he didn't realize that he needed to do some things 08:56 differently if he had any intention that night 08:58 of getting close to you... so that's one. 09:00 Another one is the voice. 09:02 How you talk to your wife, the tone that you use, 09:06 the expression, the micro expressions 09:09 in your face - she reads and what she is unable to read, 09:13 her brain reads - it's something called "neuroception." 09:15 Her brain can actually read your intent 09:19 even if you never said a word. 09:21 So this isn't about hiding your feelings, 09:23 this is about not having those ill feelings 09:26 to your wedded wife at all. 09:28 So you can't have ill-will, you can't have ill-feelings, 09:31 you can't speak ill of your wife, 09:32 you can't use words that would hurt her, 09:35 and also tone plays a vital role. 09:38 If you have the wrong tone, you actually could deplete 09:42 and bring down her levels of her oxytocin, 09:46 and you could actually raise her stress levels. 09:48 And how easily can that happen... 09:51 Like for example, like can my level drop today 09:54 from 10 to 5, for example, and then 09:56 tomorrow it goes back to 8? Yes 09:58 Like how exactly does it work? 10:00 Up and down. Up and down. Yes 10:01 But you don't want to keep it down because 10:05 when you keep it down, you build resentment, 10:07 and, over time resentment is very difficult to reverse. 10:10 The oxytocin levels you can reverse easily, 10:13 but the resentment that builds because it's low... 10:15 that's not so easy. 10:17 Now here is something else... 10:19 What will determine what Jeremiah's tone of his voice, 10:21 what determines that? 10:23 It's called "natural tone," and you guys talked about 10:26 coming from two different families, right? 10:28 Your family was vivacious and bubbly and outgoing, 10:30 and you said your family was reserved 10:33 and conservative, right? 10:34 So guess what? There's a chance that 10:35 your family used a different tone of voice to communicate 10:39 on what we call a basal level; their natural tone, 10:42 their normal tone, but not her family... 10:44 so when you speak to her in your calmest voice, 10:47 what her brain hears is, "Why are you screaming at me, 10:50 stop screaming at me, I didn't do anything, 10:51 are you upset with me?" "What?" 10:53 That's what her brain gets. Um hm 10:55 And so, as couples, you guys have to talk about this. 10:58 She has to say, "Jeremiah, I didn't like your tone." 11:00 And then what you will say is, "Oh, that was my best voice, 11:03 I'm not mad at you." Um hm 11:04 And then you have to realize that it's not about you, 11:07 it's about her perception of you. 11:08 That's all it is, yeah. Right? 11:10 That's another thing that reduces that oxytocin level. 11:13 And I have to tell you guys, children... 11:16 When children come on the scene, testosterone levels fall, 11:20 oxytocin levels fall because she is now directing her 11:23 attention to the little ones and bonding with them 11:27 which means that she's not bonding as much with you. 11:30 Okay, can it increase again? It can. Laughter 11:35 Are you going to give the kids away? No. Laughter 11:38 No, it can increase, but it will have to be intentional. 11:41 And by that, I mean you're going to have to find a way to 11:43 divide your time so he continues 11:45 to receive the attention that he needs. 11:47 Remember, he has high needs of communication, 11:50 and he has high needs of intimacy. 11:53 That is not going to go away because you guys have kids now. 11:57 And don't think because he is the father of those kids 11:59 he'd be okay with you spending time with his kids 12:01 and leaving him out. Okay 12:03 It just doesn't work that way. 12:04 Unless we like do more like family activities where we can 12:08 incorporate everyone together. Exactly 12:10 But still, you have your individual needs. 12:13 You have your individual needs and those needs must be met. 12:15 So if you guys pay attention, just pay attention, 12:17 just be intentional about providing for each other's needs 12:21 at all times, you won't have to worry 12:23 about anything. All right? Yeah! 12:26 Thank you again. Thank you! 12:27 Thank you. Great information. Okay. 12:38 Hello and welcome back to "Road to Romance" 12:40 Joining me again are Sean, Bianca and Miles, welcome! 12:45 Thank you - hello. Good to be back again! 12:46 So let's begin our discussion again with hormones 12:49 and focus a bit on oxytocin. All right. 12:52 So oxytocin, as you know, is one of eight neurochemicals 12:56 in the brain that controls the behavior 13:00 of folks like you, dating, right? 13:03 So anything anyone of you could tell me about oxytocin? 13:10 Oh I know it's really strong when a cat has her kittens, 13:15 and she's able to feed a squirrel even though it's not 13:21 one of her babies and usually would be prey, 13:23 but the oxytocin is just saying "be a mother, 13:26 take care of this baby." 13:27 And Bianca is right on target. Um hm 13:30 Mentioning animals, this is how we, as humans, discovered 13:33 this wonderful hormone. 13:35 We first noticed it in voles, they look like little rats, 13:40 and they're out on the prairie. 13:42 And so they discovered that these voles were monogamous, 13:45 more monogamous than we are. 13:47 And so a vole would find another vole and they would 13:50 stay together for life. 13:52 If an eagle swooped down from the sky and grabbed up the male, 13:56 she would stand there looking up into the heavens 13:59 sad and would never date another vole for the rest of her life. 14:04 This is how monogamous they are, so it caught the attention 14:06 of some scientists and they thought, "Wow, so we're 14:09 kind of monogamous too, I wonder if we have the same 14:11 chemical inside of us." 14:13 So they studied these creatures a little more and they 14:15 realized that it was oxytocin that was responsible 14:19 for the fidelity, responsible for the faithfulness, 14:22 for the idea that they would never want to date anyone else. 14:25 When they observed the voles, Bianca - this would really 14:28 interest you, they found that the female vole 14:32 once she made a decision to be with this male vole, 14:35 she and he never, ever looked at another vole 14:39 for the rest of their lives. 14:41 In fact, the male vole is so faithful that if 14:45 female voles run across the prairie at him, 14:48 he runs in the opposite direction. 14:49 So he just needs some oxytocin. 14:51 Laughter. Humans can learn from that! Exactly 14:54 I mean, a lot of humans could benefit from that, right? 14:57 There's no lookie loo looking at the girl as she walks by, 15:00 oh no, he's going the other way to avoid the appearance of evil. 15:04 Wow! Amen, amen. Right? 15:06 Good spiritual lessons here. Absolutely! 15:08 So they decided, let's check and see if humans have 15:11 oxytocin and they realized we have 15:14 quite a bit of it, quite a bit. 15:15 So oxytocin is responsible for bonding, 15:18 but here's the problem, Sean, we don't have equal amounts 15:22 of oxytocin - some of us have a lot, some of us have a little, 15:27 and some of us have more receptors in the brain to 15:30 absorb the oxytocin so it could be effective. 15:34 Now this formed the basis for XY Theory because I realized 15:36 that some folks tended to bond more easily with others, 15:41 and once we checked, of course it checked out that folks that 15:44 were X-type with high needs for communication 15:49 and intimacy - guess what happened? 15:51 They had higher levels of oxytocin. Okay 15:54 So they decided to do experiments all over the world. 15:58 They did experiments at weddings. 16:00 They found that the side of the groom - the folks had less 16:03 oxytocin; on the bride's side, they had more oxytocin, 16:08 and they just kept doing experiment after experiment. 16:10 They will experiment with guys who were not romantic. 16:12 They would have less oxytocin and guys who were more 16:15 romantic had more oxytocin and so it's accepted... 16:20 Oxytocin is the primary agent for bonding. Okay? 16:25 So let's take a little look at some of the other facts 16:28 about oxytocin. 16:30 Oxytocin is responsible for bonding in monogamous mammals, 16:35 and there are only 3% of mammals worldwide 16:39 that are monogamous and we happen to be in that 16:43 fortunate group. 16:44 Whether we choose to show that or not is up to us as 16:48 individuals and, again, the prefrontal cortex, 16:51 your decision-making center, you get to decide that 16:54 for yourself, but we are one of 3%. 16:58 We also produce oxytocin by touching and talking. 17:02 Now that's the simplest way I can ever explain that to anyone. 17:05 Like if you wanted to explain that to a 10-year-old, 17:07 all you have to say is, Oxytocin is produced 17:10 by talking and touching," that's it, 17:14 scarcely anything else. 17:16 There's hardly any other way to produce oxytocin 17:19 other than how much you talk and how much you touch... 17:23 Any by touch, it's not just about physical touch, 17:26 but emotional touch, okay? 17:29 Let's look at the next slide... 17:32 So "vasopressin" - what is "vasopressin?" 17:36 It sounds a lot like oxytocin. 17:38 Vasopressin allows men, Y- type men to bond with 17:42 women they feel meet their blueprint. 17:45 I have to point out the same goes for Y-type women. 17:50 They also have a blueprint. 17:51 This is very, very important especially for singles. 17:55 I've heard of several stories, folks have come to me and said, 17:59 "Hey, my boyfriend has been with me for 5 years, 18:02 should I wait longer?" 18:05 And usually I would say, "Well how much longer?" 18:07 How much longer do you have in mind? Another 5 years? 18:10 Or 2 years or 2 months? 18:13 But the problem is this... Especially Y-type males, 18:16 they have the capacity to stay with someone 18:18 know that the blueprint, the blueprint they have 18:23 for the perfect person, the person they want 18:25 to take home to mom is not being met. 18:29 They won't necessarily say anything to you, 18:33 the partner in the relationship. 18:35 It's not going forward, but it's not going backward 18:39 either and you feel stuck because you have no idea 18:44 that you have black hair, but he was hoping for a blonde. 18:49 You have no idea. 18:51 This is a problem with Y-types. 18:53 Y- types have to be more aware, I guess, for courteous 18:59 of the person that they're with and more willing 19:02 to step out there and say, "Hey, let me give the choice 19:05 back to you - you could stay with me, 19:08 but I don't see this ending in marriage." 19:11 So that helps with letting them know... 19:16 "Okay, this might not work for me, so I'm going to let you 19:17 know so I won't be wasting your time." Exactly 19:21 It's the polite thing to do, it's the moral thing to do, 19:24 it's the ethical thing go do and surprise, surprise, 19:27 I actually know a couple where I encouraged him to 19:31 do that and he did that and she says _ 19:35 "I'll wait until whenever, however long 19:38 it takes you, I'll wait." So honesty! 19:42 How about also, with this whole blueprint in mind... 19:48 Their blueprint is not so much about that person they're with, 19:51 they're like, they see this is the person, but they're like 19:53 things aren't the way I want them to be YET 19:56 for us to take this step forward. 19:58 Sometimes I've seen that as well. 20:01 Okay, in my experience, what I've found is 20:04 that is more often an excuse. 20:08 "I'm not where I want to be in life just yet." 20:11 "I want to be able to take care of you in a special way." 20:15 "I'm hoping to get this job and when I get this job, 20:17 I'll make a six-figure salary 20:19 and then I'll be ready for a family." 20:21 "What if we get a family immediately." 20:23 "What if God gives us a family immediately, 20:25 I won't be able to take care of that family. 20:26 So I would like us to wait a little longer," 20:30 and variations of that excuse. 20:33 Well can I say this... Like for me, 20:35 it's like one reason is I would love to be in a 20:38 committed relationship, but I'm not totally pressed 20:41 just yet because I know there are some things that I 20:44 need to work on myself, so when I am in this 20:46 relationship, it can be sustained as far as being 20:50 financially supportive, being a priest, 20:54 you know, getting my life right with Christ, 20:56 and also being protective. 20:58 These are some of the things you need as a man to when 21:02 you are in a relationship with a female, you can, 21:05 you know, help keep that together so I wouldn't 21:08 necessarily say that's an excuse for me not being in a 21:10 relationship, but I know these are some things that I 21:12 need to work on while I'm still single. 21:15 You know what is interesting, Miles? 21:17 X- types, when they find the person that they think 21:22 they'd like to spend the rest of their lives with, 21:23 they have a tendency to throw away the blueprint, 21:27 and a tendency to put away the excuses. 21:29 As-a-matter-of-fact, sometimes it is in their best interest 21:31 to wait and those are the ones that go to their parents 21:34 and say, "I love him, we want to get married right now; 21:38 we're not worried about how we're going to make it, 21:39 we love each other." 21:41 Those are the X-types that do that, so you're right. 21:44 No everyone is making an excuse, but the X-type approach 21:49 the timing and the Y-type approach 21:52 is completely different. Okay 21:54 You were going to ask a question... 21:56 I think I forgot it. Laughter 22:00 All right. That's fine! 22:01 Yeah, I was going to add, but that's going to what you were 22:04 saying to Miles - that's why you shouldn't be in a 22:07 relationship until you have certain things in order 22:10 because I believe that when it comes to courtship, 22:13 you shouldn't decide to court unless you are ready 22:17 to be married. Right. No, so... Yeah 22:21 And, you know, we have a spiritual application 22:22 at the end, but I'm not meaning to jump the gun, 22:24 but, you know, the Bible says that a man should build 22:27 his house first, before taking a wife. Right 22:30 And, I am not a contractor so I know the Bible isn't 22:34 talking about what actually physically building the house, 22:36 but it's talking about what you're talking about which is 22:38 making sure that you're ready. 22:40 The career is there and everything is ready 22:42 and you're not asking for someone to come 22:44 and struggle with you. 22:45 Yeah, right - you don't want that because if you do that 22:48 then that can put a situation in the relationship already 22:53 when you're struggling and you're still trying to 22:56 get your spiritual growth going so you kind of want to 22:59 get that established and then 23:03 allow that relationship to blossom. 23:05 Help the marriage be a blessing then. Yeah 23:07 So I guess the bottom line of what we're talking about 23:10 with the blueprint is this... 23:11 A lot of experts feel that you shouldn't go beyond 23:14 2 years with one person if they're promising marriage, 23:18 but can't fulfill it. 23:20 If it's two years, even if they're saying, 23:21 "You know, I'm still not ready, I'm still not ready," 23:23 then maybe you need to say, 23:25 "Well you need to call me when you are." Right 23:26 I don't think I've done anything for two years. 23:28 Yeah, two years is a long... A long, long time! 23:30 That's a long time, so you should put a limit... 23:32 X- types put a limit on how long this person 23:35 is going to be allowed to drag it on. Okay? 23:40 Let's look up here again... Allows Y-type men to love 23:44 their child while ignoring or rejecting the mother 23:46 of the child - this is so very important. 23:48 I have met several young ladies that have felt 23:52 that if they gave a child to this man, this boyfriend... 23:57 if they gave him a child, "he would love us." 23:59 "This would really bring him around. 24:00 We would get married, I know he wants a 24:03 child, I know he wants a family." 24:04 Yeah, he may have said he wants a family, 24:05 but you need to find out... is his disposition the type 24:09 that when he realizes what he has done, 24:12 he's going to do right by you and actually follow through. 24:16 He said he loves you, but now you're pregnant. 24:19 Is he going to be the one to say, "Hey, you know what... 24:21 I love you, I love God, we made a mistake, 24:23 let's do make this right. 24:26 Our experience again, there's a difference between 24:29 X- type males finding themselves in that position 24:32 and Y-type males finding themselves in that position. 24:34 We're not making any absolute rules - there are a lot of 24:37 wonderful Y-type individuals and there are a lot of 24:40 scoundrels that are X-types, but in looking at 24:45 generalities, it gives you a chance to open your eye, 24:47 if you know the person's personality, 24:49 and it tells you, "Hey, don't be foolish, 24:51 don't do this, this is not going to work even within marriage. 24:55 So does vasopressin have then, I guess depending on the level 25:00 level that different impact on the X versus Y or... 25:03 Well vasopressin is mainly in the males, 25:06 so they have it and it's a good hormone because it does 25:10 the same bonding, but vasopressin also has 25:12 some other side effects. 25:14 Vasopressin is responsible for the protectiveness that 25:16 a guy feels over his female and over his family... 25:19 that's what actually causes that, you know, 25:22 like "how dare you..." Whether X or Y. Yeah 25:24 So males regardless of X or Y. 25:26 Yeah, but more so, of course, the Y-type because Y-types 25:29 also have a lot of dopamine which leads to more aggressive 25:31 behavior and on and on. 25:35 Vasopressin has another side that you need to know about 25:37 quickly before we go into our spiritual application... 25:39 And that side simply is... After they become physically 25:44 intimate with you, vasopressin allows that individual, 25:48 if he's not fully committed to you, 25:50 to walk away, just to walk away. 25:54 In fact, oxytocin is called, nicknamed the "cuddle hormone," 25:57 and vasopressin is not so cuddly. 26:03 Vasopressin will allow you to do all of things that 26:05 oxytocin will allow you to do, but if the guy isn't 26:07 fully committed to you, fully committed, 26:10 and you have no way of knowing that, vasopressin allows 26:13 him to leave easily while you're still there holding your heart 26:15 in your hand. 26:17 That brings us to a wonderful story in the Bible 26:20 about Amnon and Tamar. 26:21 I don't know if that's so wonderful. Laughter 26:24 Wonderful illustration, but you guys know the story, 26:28 so I'm going to share it very quickly. 26:30 You know Amnon was a son of David and you know he 26:33 forced his sister, but what is interesting is that the Bible 26:36 says at first he loved his sister, in fact, he loved his 26:41 sister so much that he felt he needed to have her 26:43 which by the way is interesting because when somebody 26:46 really loves you and is oxytocin-generated, 26:50 if oxytocin is behind that feeling, 26:52 they do not feel that they have to have you. 26:54 How do I know that? The voles that we talked about. 26:57 The voles that I told you guys about that would 27:01 get together for life. Guess what? 27:02 If you put a male vole in a cage next to a female vole 27:05 and leave them there overnight, and all they could do is 27:07 talk to each other through the wires, they bond for life 27:10 without sex! 27:12 The guy that tells you you have to have sex so that 27:14 he could make up his mind about whether or not you and he 27:17 belong together is lying. 27:20 It is not the truth, don't ever fall for it. 27:23 Tamar was forced and low and behold at the end of it, 27:29 the Bible says that the love that he had for Tamar 27:32 was exceeded by the hatred he felt for her after the fact. 27:38 Do you know what hormone is responsible for that? 27:40 Vasopressin. 27:41 Vasopressin - that is how that works. 27:44 And the saddest part of this story, I think, is the Bible 27:47 never said that he knew that he wasn't in 27:49 love with her, that he tricked her. 27:51 No, he tricked her to get her to that point, 27:54 but he didn't trick her about how he felt. 27:56 The Bible actually says he had feelings for her. 27:59 So I want you to think about that and I will see you 28:01 again next time. |
Revised 2017-06-08