Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host Dr. John Jacob
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Today, I have with me
Vania and Jeremiah, welcome!
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Thank you. It's good to be back.
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So today, we're going
to talk about hormones,
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and it's, you know, a good
discussion, it's interesting,
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you'll learn some new things,
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and you'll also
learn some things to avoid.
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You guys are a new couple
and we want to make sure that
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we keep you guys
together forever,
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that's the goal, right? Yes!
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So oxytocin is the
most important hormone
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to you two guys.
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You've heard about
dopamine and you've heard about
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testosterone, you've
heard about a host of chemicals,
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but this particular chemical,
it's a hormone and it's
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absolutely
important to bonding...
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So, let me give you
a few facts about it.
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It is created in the
hypothalamus of your brain.
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There's a little center in
the middle of your brain that
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actually produces the
neurotransmitter, oxytocin,
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but there's a lot that you could
do to increase the production.
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So oxytocin is the glue
that keeps couples together.
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And, you know you go
through various stages
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of a relationship and
when you get to the last stage,
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and for a lot of people, it's
an "if" to get the last stage,
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you have survived because
oxytocin has made it possible.
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It keeps you guys
together just like glue. Okay?
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So, for instance, oxytocin
causes you to make what we call
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oxytocin bids or oxy
bids where you actually bid
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for the attention or the
affection of your partner.
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So Vania, when he reached
out his hand to grab your hand,
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the last time you guys
were walking the beach,
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and you thought it was
something that he thought of?
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Not so much!
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It was his
hormone, oxytocin, that was
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was causing him to reach out.
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You brain tells you
when you are low in oxytocin
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and when you get
low, your brain says,
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"Hey, why don't you
reach out and grab a hand,"
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and when you do
that, immediately,
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oxytocin begins to
flow through your body.
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So it's an automatic
mechanism intended, of course,
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to keep you guys together.
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Now what we found is
that oxytocin is also
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responsible for the
feeling of forgiveness...
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You know how you've asked
people to forgive and forget?
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Well this is a recent discovery
that couples who find it
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easy to forgive and
forget their shortcomings
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are couples who have a
lot of oxytocin going around.
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Interesting! Yeah?
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So the goal, the goal
with oxytocin is to make sure
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that you keep those levels
really, really high up. Okay?
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Now, they found also
that when couples stray,
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or if a partner strays...
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You know we used to think
that it had something to do
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primarily with a sex drive,
and now what they're realizing
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is that very often,
that's not it at all.
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So we call it, you know we
have a name for everything.
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We call this one in XY Theory,
we call it "type infidelity."
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So type infidelity means this...
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You guys have
your personality types,
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remember we looked at them? Yes
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Okay, your personality
types drive your needs.
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It tells you what type
of needs your wife has,
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and it tells you,
Vania, what your husband
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needs on a regular
daily basis. That's correct.
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Here's the problem...
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If you were to ignore his
needs for a long period of time,
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and he were to go to work
or wherever - travel maybe,
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and those needs
have not been met,
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he actually does not have to
plan to be unfaithful to you.
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Why? Because his brain
is working all the time,
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and what the brain says
to him is, "Hey, remember
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Miss Jones right across
the cubical from where you are,
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you notice how she
always smiles at you?
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You notice how you feel
when she smiles at you?"
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And then he'll say, "And
what about Mary behind you?
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She's always talking
and you love conversation,
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but you're not getting much of
that at home anymore, are you?"
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Now these are not his
thoughts, he is not intentional
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with this at all...
this is his brain talking
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and saying, "I need oxytocin."
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So what I hear you
saying is that my brain
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has a mind of
its own pretty much?
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Yes, absolutely!
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Your brain has a mind
of its own, that's correct.
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Can't argue with that.
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So and he would be
completely innocent?
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We just have to blame the brain?
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Laughter... No
blaming the brain,
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and "no," he's not
completely innocent.
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And if you thought he
were completely innocent,
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you wouldn't be laughing, right?
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No, he has a responsibility,
I'm glad you asked,
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but we have a rather
large brain - one of the largest
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in the animal kingdom and
the brain has a prefrontal
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cortex - right about
here, and your prefrontal cortex
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is responsible for
all final decisions. Right
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So no matter what
the hormones say to him,
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no matter what
they prompt him to do,
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the final
decision is still his. Okay
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He has to make that decision.
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Now, he'll have the feeling,
he'll have the inclination,
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but he could say, "Shut it
down, shut it down right now."
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And that's where like a
moral compass would kick in.
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And that's where your
moral compass comes in. Exactly
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So, you know, and we trust that
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that is working as it
should because it's supposed to
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click in and say, "Hey,
you know what? You have a moral
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obligation to your wife
and you don't want to do this,
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and all of this is in
that prefrontal cortex.
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There are some other
areas in your brain that are
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responsible for moral decisions,
but they all work in tandem.
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They work hand-in-hand to make
sure that you don't go there.
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But my problem, my
worry is whether or not you or
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other guys out there
would notice the steps.
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You see, we only
notice something when it's
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uncomfortable -
when we feel the burn.
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We don't notice it
when, for instance,
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Mary approaches you and you
guys are having conversation
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maybe for a couple of
months and the conversation is
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really very
superficial, is very platonic,
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there's nothing inappropriate,
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as far as you're
concerned, right?
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Until the day your
brain says, "Hey, Jeremiah,
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you noticed something?
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You're closer,
you're more bonded with Mary
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than you are with Vania, what
are you going to do about that?
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I'm a little tired of
having a short fall on oxytocin.
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Why don't you hook up
with Mary" - tell Vania that
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you guys have drifted apart...
you've heard that before. Yes
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When people say that,
that's what's happening.
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It's the brain that is
saying, "I am tired of NOT
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receiving what I need and
so I think you should make that
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"immoral" move." Right
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So what we need to do is
to help you guys to recognize
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the bids - once you recognize
the bids, Vania you could
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keep providing him with
the oxytocin that he needs
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and he should never,
ever find himself here.
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And I would think that it's also
wise that you have to look at
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what you do, like prevent
certain things like prevent
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getting into certain situations.
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That's a good point.
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Being intentional about how
you deal with the opposite sex,
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and, yeah, what kind
of friendships you have.
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Don't put yourself
in certain situations.
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Now you know, people talk a
lot about emotional infidelity,
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but there is social infidelity
as well because if you
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put yourself in a
social situation where you're
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befriending someone or
you're confiding in them
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about your life, about
your wife, about your marriage,
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you're not emotional
yet, but it's coming...
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So you have to be
careful where you put yourself,
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you know, if you want
to keep yourself protected.
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Also, we tend to
focus on connection.
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"What is it that's going to
keep me connected to my wife,"
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but we don't focus so
much on disconnectors,
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and there are quite
a few disconnectors.
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Here's one... We
know for a fact now that
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fatigue, tiredness, stress,
depletes the oxytocin level.
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So if you come from home
and from work and Vania says,
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"Hey, help me around the
house, please - I'm tired,
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I've been working
all day," and you say,
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"You know honey, I'm a
little more tired that you are."
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That wouldn't work.
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That wouldn't work, right?
It wouldn't work well for Vania,
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but if it worked with anyone
at all, guess what happens?
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The oxytocin level
goes down and it goes down,
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and, of course, later on
that night maybe the husband is
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feeling a little amorous and
he wants to get together with
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his wife in a physical
way and she doesn't want to.
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Why? Because this is the level
that her oxytocin has reduced to
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and he didn't realize that
he needed to do some things
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differently if he had
any intention that night
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of getting close to
you... so that's one.
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Another one is the voice.
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How you talk to your
wife, the tone that you use,
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the expression,
the micro expressions
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in your face - she reads
and what she is unable to read,
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her brain reads - it's
something called "neuroception."
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Her brain can
actually read your intent
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even if you never said a word.
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So this isn't about
hiding your feelings,
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this is about not
having those ill feelings
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to your wedded wife at all.
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So you can't have ill-will,
you can't have ill-feelings,
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you can't speak
ill of your wife,
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you can't use words
that would hurt her,
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and also tone
plays a vital role.
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If you have the wrong
tone, you actually could deplete
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and bring down her
levels of her oxytocin,
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and you could actually
raise her stress levels.
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And how easily
can that happen...
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Like for example, like
can my level drop today
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from 10 to 5,
for example, and then
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tomorrow it goes back to 8? Yes
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Like how exactly does it work?
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Up and down. Up and down. Yes
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But you don't want
to keep it down because
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when you keep it
down, you build resentment,
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and, over time resentment
is very difficult to reverse.
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The oxytocin levels
you can reverse easily,
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but the resentment that
builds because it's low...
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that's not so easy.
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Now here is something else...
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What will determine what
Jeremiah's tone of his voice,
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what determines that?
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It's called "natural
tone," and you guys talked about
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coming from two
different families, right?
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Your family was vivacious
and bubbly and outgoing,
00:10:28.12\00:10:30.83
and you said your
family was reserved
00:10:30.86\00:10:33.03
and conservative, right?
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So guess what?
There's a chance that
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your family used a different
tone of voice to communicate
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on what we call a basal
level; their natural tone,
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their normal tone,
but not her family...
00:10:42.44\00:10:44.74
so when you speak to
her in your calmest voice,
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what her brain hears is,
"Why are you screaming at me,
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stop screaming at
me, I didn't do anything,
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are you upset with me?" "What?"
00:10:51.85\00:10:53.65
That's what her
brain gets. Um hm
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And so, as couples, you
guys have to talk about this.
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She has to say, "Jeremiah,
I didn't like your tone."
00:10:58.69\00:11:00.82
And then what you will say
is, "Oh, that was my best voice,
00:11:00.86\00:11:03.22
I'm not mad at you." Um hm
00:11:03.26\00:11:04.86
And then you have to
realize that it's not about you,
00:11:04.89\00:11:07.03
it's about her
perception of you.
00:11:07.06\00:11:08.80
That's all it is, yeah. Right?
00:11:08.83\00:11:10.70
That's another thing that
reduces that oxytocin level.
00:11:10.73\00:11:13.20
And I have to tell
you guys, children...
00:11:13.23\00:11:16.04
When children come on the
scene, testosterone levels fall,
00:11:16.07\00:11:20.24
oxytocin levels fall
because she is now directing her
00:11:20.28\00:11:23.55
attention to the little
ones and bonding with them
00:11:23.58\00:11:27.52
which means that she's
not bonding as much with you.
00:11:27.55\00:11:30.29
Okay, can it increase
again? It can. Laughter
00:11:30.32\00:11:35.62
Are you going to give
the kids away? No. Laughter
00:11:35.66\00:11:38.73
No, it can increase, but it
will have to be intentional.
00:11:38.76\00:11:41.46
And by that, I mean you're
going to have to find a way to
00:11:41.50\00:11:43.93
divide your time so he continues
00:11:43.97\00:11:45.50
to receive the
attention that he needs.
00:11:45.53\00:11:47.17
Remember, he has high
needs of communication,
00:11:47.20\00:11:50.84
and he has high
needs of intimacy.
00:11:50.87\00:11:53.07
That is not going to go away
because you guys have kids now.
00:11:53.11\00:11:57.18
And don't think because he
is the father of those kids
00:11:57.21\00:11:59.21
he'd be okay with you
spending time with his kids
00:11:59.25\00:12:01.68
and leaving him out. Okay
00:12:01.72\00:12:03.39
It just doesn't work that way.
00:12:03.42\00:12:04.75
Unless we like do more like
family activities where we can
00:12:04.79\00:12:08.16
incorporate
everyone together. Exactly
00:12:08.19\00:12:10.59
But still, you have
your individual needs.
00:12:10.63\00:12:12.99
You have your individual needs
and those needs must be met.
00:12:13.03\00:12:15.50
So if you guys pay
attention, just pay attention,
00:12:15.53\00:12:17.90
just be intentional about
providing for each other's needs
00:12:17.93\00:12:21.34
at all times, you
won't have to worry
00:12:21.37\00:12:23.57
about anything. All right? Yeah!
00:12:23.61\00:12:25.97
Thank you again. Thank you!
00:12:26.01\00:12:27.64
Thank you. Great
information. Okay.
00:12:27.68\00:12:29.44
Hello and welcome
back to "Road to Romance"
00:12:38.29\00:12:40.96
Joining me again are
Sean, Bianca and Miles, welcome!
00:12:40.99\00:12:45.09
Thank you - hello.
Good to be back again!
00:12:45.13\00:12:46.70
So let's begin our
discussion again with hormones
00:12:46.73\00:12:49.56
and focus a bit on
oxytocin. All right.
00:12:49.60\00:12:52.67
So oxytocin, as you know,
is one of eight neurochemicals
00:12:52.70\00:12:56.81
in the brain that
controls the behavior
00:12:56.84\00:13:00.61
of folks like
you, dating, right?
00:13:00.64\00:13:03.91
So anything anyone of you
could tell me about oxytocin?
00:13:03.95\00:13:10.09
Oh I know it's really strong
when a cat has her kittens,
00:13:10.15\00:13:15.59
and she's able to feed a
squirrel even though it's not
00:13:15.62\00:13:21.06
one of her babies and
usually would be prey,
00:13:21.10\00:13:23.63
but the oxytocin is
just saying "be a mother,
00:13:23.67\00:13:26.20
take care of this baby."
00:13:26.23\00:13:27.57
And Bianca is
right on target. Um hm
00:13:27.60\00:13:30.07
Mentioning animals, this is
how we, as humans, discovered
00:13:30.11\00:13:33.84
this wonderful hormone.
00:13:33.88\00:13:35.74
We first noticed it in voles,
they look like little rats,
00:13:35.78\00:13:40.68
and they're out on the prairie.
00:13:40.72\00:13:42.22
And so they discovered that
these voles were monogamous,
00:13:42.25\00:13:45.35
more monogamous than we are.
00:13:45.39\00:13:47.36
And so a vole would find
another vole and they would
00:13:47.39\00:13:50.63
stay together for life.
00:13:50.66\00:13:51.99
If an eagle swooped down from
the sky and grabbed up the male,
00:13:52.03\00:13:56.87
she would stand there
looking up into the heavens
00:13:56.90\00:13:59.53
sad and would never date another
vole for the rest of her life.
00:13:59.57\00:14:04.04
This is how monogamous they
are, so it caught the attention
00:14:04.07\00:14:06.81
of some scientists and
they thought, "Wow, so we're
00:14:06.84\00:14:09.68
kind of monogamous too, I
wonder if we have the same
00:14:09.71\00:14:11.91
chemical inside of us."
00:14:11.95\00:14:13.35
So they studied these
creatures a little more and they
00:14:13.38\00:14:15.58
realized that it was
oxytocin that was responsible
00:14:15.62\00:14:19.45
for the fidelity, responsible
for the faithfulness,
00:14:19.49\00:14:22.32
for the idea that they would
never want to date anyone else.
00:14:22.36\00:14:25.66
When they observed the voles,
Bianca - this would really
00:14:25.69\00:14:28.76
interest you, they
found that the female vole
00:14:28.80\00:14:32.40
once she made a decision
to be with this male vole,
00:14:32.43\00:14:35.34
she and he never,
ever looked at another vole
00:14:35.37\00:14:39.74
for the rest of their lives.
00:14:39.77\00:14:41.18
In fact, the male
vole is so faithful that if
00:14:41.21\00:14:45.21
female voles run
across the prairie at him,
00:14:45.25\00:14:48.05
he runs in the
opposite direction.
00:14:48.08\00:14:49.72
So he just needs some oxytocin.
00:14:49.75\00:14:51.15
Laughter. Humans can
learn from that! Exactly
00:14:51.19\00:14:54.52
I mean, a lot of humans
could benefit from that, right?
00:14:54.56\00:14:57.09
There's no lookie loo looking
at the girl as she walks by,
00:14:57.13\00:15:00.33
oh no, he's going the other way
to avoid the appearance of evil.
00:15:00.36\00:15:04.03
Wow! Amen, amen. Right?
00:15:04.07\00:15:06.40
Good spiritual
lessons here. Absolutely!
00:15:06.43\00:15:08.74
So they decided, let's
check and see if humans have
00:15:08.77\00:15:11.11
oxytocin and
they realized we have
00:15:11.14\00:15:14.01
quite a bit of it, quite a bit.
00:15:14.04\00:15:15.88
So oxytocin is
responsible for bonding,
00:15:15.91\00:15:18.41
but here's the problem, Sean,
we don't have equal amounts
00:15:18.45\00:15:22.48
of oxytocin - some of us have
a lot, some of us have a little,
00:15:22.52\00:15:27.72
and some of us have more
receptors in the brain to
00:15:27.76\00:15:30.69
absorb the oxytocin
so it could be effective.
00:15:30.73\00:15:34.23
Now this formed the basis
for XY Theory because I realized
00:15:34.26\00:15:36.90
that some folks tended to
bond more easily with others,
00:15:36.93\00:15:41.57
and once we checked, of course
it checked out that folks that
00:15:41.60\00:15:44.27
were X-type with high
needs for communication
00:15:44.31\00:15:49.04
and intimacy -
guess what happened?
00:15:49.08\00:15:51.65
They had higher
levels of oxytocin. Okay
00:15:51.68\00:15:54.62
So they decided to do
experiments all over the world.
00:15:54.65\00:15:58.39
They did
experiments at weddings.
00:15:58.42\00:16:00.19
They found that the side of
the groom - the folks had less
00:16:00.22\00:16:03.69
oxytocin; on the bride's
side, they had more oxytocin,
00:16:03.73\00:16:08.46
and they just kept doing
experiment after experiment.
00:16:08.50\00:16:10.70
They will experiment with
guys who were not romantic.
00:16:10.73\00:16:12.63
They would have less
oxytocin and guys who were more
00:16:12.67\00:16:15.24
romantic had more
oxytocin and so it's accepted...
00:16:15.27\00:16:20.54
Oxytocin is the primary
agent for bonding. Okay?
00:16:20.58\00:16:25.78
So let's take a little
look at some of the other facts
00:16:25.81\00:16:28.28
about oxytocin.
00:16:28.32\00:16:30.39
Oxytocin is responsible for
bonding in monogamous mammals,
00:16:30.42\00:16:35.32
and there are only
3% of mammals worldwide
00:16:35.36\00:16:39.53
that are monogamous
and we happen to be in that
00:16:39.56\00:16:43.53
fortunate group.
00:16:43.57\00:16:44.90
Whether we choose to show
that or not is up to us as
00:16:44.93\00:16:48.87
individuals and,
again, the prefrontal cortex,
00:16:48.90\00:16:51.54
your decision-making
center, you get to decide that
00:16:51.57\00:16:54.38
for yourself,
but we are one of 3%.
00:16:54.41\00:16:57.98
We also produce oxytocin
by touching and talking.
00:16:58.01\00:17:02.75
Now that's the simplest way I
can ever explain that to anyone.
00:17:02.78\00:17:05.49
Like if you wanted to
explain that to a 10-year-old,
00:17:05.52\00:17:07.59
all you have to say
is, Oxytocin is produced
00:17:07.62\00:17:10.53
by talking and
touching," that's it,
00:17:10.56\00:17:14.30
scarcely anything else.
00:17:14.33\00:17:16.56
There's hardly any
other way to produce oxytocin
00:17:16.60\00:17:19.70
other than how much you
talk and how much you touch...
00:17:19.73\00:17:23.51
Any by touch, it's not
just about physical touch,
00:17:23.54\00:17:26.24
but emotional touch, okay?
00:17:26.27\00:17:29.04
Let's look at the next slide...
00:17:29.08\00:17:32.75
So "vasopressin" -
what is "vasopressin?"
00:17:32.78\00:17:36.38
It sounds a lot like oxytocin.
00:17:36.42\00:17:38.25
Vasopressin allows men,
Y- type men to bond with
00:17:38.29\00:17:42.52
women they feel
meet their blueprint.
00:17:42.56\00:17:45.29
I have to point out the
same goes for Y-type women.
00:17:45.33\00:17:50.03
They also have a blueprint.
00:17:50.07\00:17:51.40
This is very, very important
especially for singles.
00:17:51.43\00:17:55.17
I've heard of several stories,
folks have come to me and said,
00:17:55.20\00:17:59.41
"Hey, my boyfriend has
been with me for 5 years,
00:17:59.44\00:18:02.74
should I wait longer?"
00:18:02.78\00:18:05.01
And usually I would
say, "Well how much longer?"
00:18:05.05\00:18:06.72
How much longer do you
have in mind? Another 5 years?
00:18:07.35\00:18:10.82
Or 2 years or 2 months?
00:18:10.85\00:18:13.12
But the problem is
this... Especially Y-type males,
00:18:13.15\00:18:16.73
they have the
capacity to stay with someone
00:18:16.76\00:18:18.89
know that the blueprint,
the blueprint they have
00:18:18.93\00:18:23.50
for the perfect
person, the person they want
00:18:23.53\00:18:25.00
to take home to
mom is not being met.
00:18:25.03\00:18:29.74
They won't
necessarily say anything to you,
00:18:29.77\00:18:33.48
the partner in the relationship.
00:18:33.51\00:18:35.48
It's not going forward,
but it's not going backward
00:18:35.51\00:18:38.98
either and you feel
stuck because you have no idea
00:18:39.01\00:18:44.62
that you have black hair,
but he was hoping for a blonde.
00:18:44.65\00:18:49.69
You have no idea.
00:18:49.72\00:18:51.29
This is a problem with Y-types.
00:18:51.33\00:18:53.26
Y- types have to be more
aware, I guess, for courteous
00:18:53.29\00:18:59.33
of the person that
they're with and more willing
00:18:59.37\00:19:02.10
to step out there and say,
"Hey, let me give the choice
00:19:02.14\00:19:05.94
back to you - you
could stay with me,
00:19:05.97\00:19:08.64
but I don't see
this ending in marriage."
00:19:08.68\00:19:11.48
So that helps with
letting them know...
00:19:11.51\00:19:15.15
"Okay, this might not work
for me, so I'm going to let you
00:19:16.25\00:19:17.85
know so I won't be
wasting your time." Exactly
00:19:17.89\00:19:21.62
It's the polite thing to
do, it's the moral thing to do,
00:19:21.66\00:19:24.79
it's the ethical thing go
do and surprise, surprise,
00:19:24.83\00:19:27.60
I actually know a couple
where I encouraged him to
00:19:27.63\00:19:31.17
do that and he did
that and she says _
00:19:31.20\00:19:35.67
"I'll wait until
whenever, however long
00:19:35.70\00:19:38.44
it takes you,
I'll wait." So honesty!
00:19:38.47\00:19:42.54
How about also, with this
whole blueprint in mind...
00:19:42.58\00:19:47.22
Their blueprint is not so much
about that person they're with,
00:19:48.32\00:19:51.55
they're like, they see this
is the person, but they're like
00:19:51.59\00:19:53.56
things aren't the
way I want them to be YET
00:19:53.59\00:19:56.02
for us to take
this step forward.
00:19:56.06\00:19:58.53
Sometimes I've
seen that as well.
00:19:58.56\00:20:01.46
Okay, in my
experience, what I've found is
00:20:01.50\00:20:04.50
that is more often an excuse.
00:20:04.53\00:20:08.54
"I'm not where I want
to be in life just yet."
00:20:08.57\00:20:11.07
"I want to be able to take
care of you in a special way."
00:20:11.81\00:20:15.41
"I'm hoping to get this
job and when I get this job,
00:20:15.44\00:20:17.65
I'll make a six-figure salary
00:20:17.68\00:20:19.01
and then I'll be
ready for a family."
00:20:19.05\00:20:20.98
"What if we get a
family immediately."
00:20:21.02\00:20:23.02
"What if God gives
us a family immediately,
00:20:23.05\00:20:25.22
I won't be able to
take care of that family.
00:20:25.25\00:20:26.92
So I would like us to
wait a little longer,"
00:20:26.96\00:20:30.29
and variations of that excuse.
00:20:30.33\00:20:33.70
Well can I say
this... Like for me,
00:20:33.73\00:20:35.76
it's like one reason
is I would love to be in a
00:20:35.80\00:20:38.53
committed relationship,
but I'm not totally pressed
00:20:38.57\00:20:41.84
just yet because I know
there are some things that I
00:20:41.87\00:20:44.24
need to work on
myself, so when I am in this
00:20:44.27\00:20:46.71
relationship, it can be
sustained as far as being
00:20:46.74\00:20:50.11
financially
supportive, being a priest,
00:20:50.15\00:20:54.68
you know, getting my
life right with Christ,
00:20:54.72\00:20:56.75
and also being protective.
00:20:56.79\00:20:58.12
These are some of the
things you need as a man to when
00:20:58.15\00:21:02.69
you are in a relationship
with a female, you can,
00:21:02.72\00:21:05.46
you know, help keep
that together so I wouldn't
00:21:05.49\00:21:08.20
necessarily say that's an
excuse for me not being in a
00:21:08.23\00:21:10.53
relationship, but I know
these are some things that I
00:21:10.57\00:21:12.33
need to work on
while I'm still single.
00:21:12.37\00:21:15.74
You know what is
interesting, Miles?
00:21:15.77\00:21:17.54
X- types, when they find
the person that they think
00:21:17.57\00:21:22.08
they'd like to spend the
rest of their lives with,
00:21:22.11\00:21:23.71
they have a tendency to
throw away the blueprint,
00:21:23.75\00:21:27.58
and a tendency to
put away the excuses.
00:21:27.62\00:21:29.25
As-a-matter-of-fact, sometimes
it is in their best interest
00:21:29.28\00:21:31.82
to wait and those are the
ones that go to their parents
00:21:31.85\00:21:34.82
and say, "I love him, we
want to get married right now;
00:21:34.86\00:21:37.99
we're not worried about
how we're going to make it,
00:21:38.03\00:21:39.69
we love each other."
00:21:39.73\00:21:41.43
Those are the X-types
that do that, so you're right.
00:21:41.46\00:21:44.53
No everyone is making an
excuse, but the X-type approach
00:21:44.57\00:21:49.64
the timing and
the Y-type approach
00:21:49.67\00:21:52.41
is completely different. Okay
00:21:52.44\00:21:54.94
You were going
to ask a question...
00:21:54.98\00:21:56.88
I think I forgot it. Laughter
00:21:56.91\00:22:00.45
All right. That's fine!
00:22:00.48\00:22:01.85
Yeah, I was going to add, but
that's going to what you were
00:22:01.88\00:22:04.39
saying to Miles - that's
why you shouldn't be in a
00:22:04.42\00:22:07.59
relationship until you
have certain things in order
00:22:07.62\00:22:10.79
because I believe that
when it comes to courtship,
00:22:10.83\00:22:13.46
you shouldn't decide to
court unless you are ready
00:22:13.50\00:22:17.90
to be married.
Right. No, so... Yeah
00:22:17.93\00:22:20.97
And, you know, we have
a spiritual application
00:22:21.00\00:22:22.67
at the end, but I'm not
meaning to jump the gun,
00:22:22.70\00:22:24.41
but, you know, the Bible
says that a man should build
00:22:24.44\00:22:27.04
his house first,
before taking a wife. Right
00:22:27.08\00:22:30.71
And, I am not a contractor
so I know the Bible isn't
00:22:30.75\00:22:34.45
talking about what actually
physically building the house,
00:22:34.48\00:22:36.75
but it's talking about what
you're talking about which is
00:22:36.79\00:22:38.75
making sure that you're ready.
00:22:38.79\00:22:40.12
The career is there
and everything is ready
00:22:40.16\00:22:42.12
and you're not
asking for someone to come
00:22:42.16\00:22:44.53
and struggle with you.
00:22:44.56\00:22:45.89
Yeah, right - you don't
want that because if you do that
00:22:45.93\00:22:48.63
then that can put a situation
in the relationship already
00:22:48.66\00:22:53.17
when you're struggling
and you're still trying to
00:22:53.20\00:22:56.10
get your spiritual growth
going so you kind of want to
00:22:56.14\00:22:59.34
get that established and then
00:22:59.37\00:23:03.31
allow that
relationship to blossom.
00:23:03.35\00:23:05.31
Help the marriage be
a blessing then. Yeah
00:23:05.35\00:23:07.65
So I guess the bottom line
of what we're talking about
00:23:07.68\00:23:10.02
with the blueprint is this...
00:23:10.05\00:23:11.39
A lot of experts feel
that you shouldn't go beyond
00:23:11.42\00:23:14.46
2 years with one person if
they're promising marriage,
00:23:14.49\00:23:18.76
but can't fulfill it.
00:23:18.79\00:23:20.13
If it's two years,
even if they're saying,
00:23:20.16\00:23:21.90
"You know, I'm still not
ready, I'm still not ready,"
00:23:21.93\00:23:23.26
then maybe you need to say,
00:23:23.30\00:23:25.00
"Well you need to call
me when you are." Right
00:23:25.03\00:23:26.70
I don't think I've
done anything for two years.
00:23:26.74\00:23:28.40
Yeah, two years is a
long... A long, long time!
00:23:28.44\00:23:30.87
That's a long time, so
you should put a limit...
00:23:30.91\00:23:32.77
X- types put a limit
on how long this person
00:23:32.81\00:23:35.81
is going to be
allowed to drag it on. Okay?
00:23:35.84\00:23:40.35
Let's look up here again...
Allows Y-type men to love
00:23:40.38\00:23:44.52
their child while
ignoring or rejecting the mother
00:23:44.55\00:23:46.65
of the child - this
is so very important.
00:23:46.69\00:23:48.62
I have met several
young ladies that have felt
00:23:48.66\00:23:52.26
that if they gave a child
to this man, this boyfriend...
00:23:52.29\00:23:57.37
if they gave him a
child, "he would love us."
00:23:57.40\00:23:59.47
"This would
really bring him around.
00:23:59.50\00:24:00.84
We would get
married, I know he wants a
00:24:00.87\00:24:03.04
child, I know
he wants a family."
00:24:03.07\00:24:04.41
Yeah, he may have
said he wants a family,
00:24:04.44\00:24:05.87
but you need to find out...
is his disposition the type
00:24:05.91\00:24:09.84
that when he
realizes what he has done,
00:24:09.88\00:24:11.98
he's going to do right by
you and actually follow through.
00:24:12.01\00:24:16.89
He said he loves you,
but now you're pregnant.
00:24:16.92\00:24:19.32
Is he going to be the one
to say, "Hey, you know what...
00:24:19.35\00:24:21.72
I love you, I love
God, we made a mistake,
00:24:21.76\00:24:23.93
let's do make this right.
00:24:23.96\00:24:26.39
Our experience again,
there's a difference between
00:24:26.43\00:24:29.26
X- type males finding
themselves in that position
00:24:29.30\00:24:32.13
and Y-type males finding
themselves in that position.
00:24:32.17\00:24:34.80
We're not making any absolute
rules - there are a lot of
00:24:34.84\00:24:37.31
wonderful Y-type individuals
and there are a lot of
00:24:37.34\00:24:40.84
scoundrels that are
X-types, but in looking at
00:24:40.88\00:24:45.08
generalities, it gives
you a chance to open your eye,
00:24:45.11\00:24:47.72
if you know the
person's personality,
00:24:47.75\00:24:49.38
and it tells you,
"Hey, don't be foolish,
00:24:49.42\00:24:51.19
don't do this, this is not going
to work even within marriage.
00:24:51.22\00:24:55.12
So does vasopressin have then,
I guess depending on the level
00:24:55.16\00:25:00.30
level that different
impact on the X versus Y or...
00:25:00.33\00:25:03.16
Well vasopressin is
mainly in the males,
00:25:03.20\00:25:06.57
so they have it and it's a
good hormone because it does
00:25:06.60\00:25:10.17
the same bonding,
but vasopressin also has
00:25:10.21\00:25:12.64
some other side effects.
00:25:12.67\00:25:14.01
Vasopressin is responsible
for the protectiveness that
00:25:14.04\00:25:16.14
a guy feels over his
female and over his family...
00:25:16.18\00:25:19.81
that's what actually
causes that, you know,
00:25:19.85\00:25:22.38
like "how dare
you..." Whether X or Y. Yeah
00:25:22.42\00:25:24.72
So males regardless of X or Y.
00:25:24.75\00:25:26.32
Yeah, but more so, of course,
the Y-type because Y-types
00:25:26.35\00:25:29.19
also have a lot of dopamine
which leads to more aggressive
00:25:29.22\00:25:31.86
behavior and on and on.
00:25:31.89\00:25:35.13
Vasopressin has another
side that you need to know about
00:25:35.16\00:25:37.57
quickly before we go into
our spiritual application...
00:25:37.60\00:25:39.73
And that side simply is...
After they become physically
00:25:39.77\00:25:44.24
intimate with you, vasopressin
allows that individual,
00:25:44.27\00:25:48.18
if he's not
fully committed to you,
00:25:48.21\00:25:50.28
to walk away, just to walk away.
00:25:50.31\00:25:54.25
In fact, oxytocin is called,
nicknamed the "cuddle hormone,"
00:25:54.28\00:25:57.85
and vasopressin
is not so cuddly.
00:25:57.89\00:26:03.69
Vasopressin will allow
you to do all of things that
00:26:03.73\00:26:05.53
oxytocin will allow you
to do, but if the guy isn't
00:26:05.56\00:26:07.03
fully committed to
you, fully committed,
00:26:07.06\00:26:10.37
and you have no way of
knowing that, vasopressin allows
00:26:10.40\00:26:13.07
him to leave easily while you're
still there holding your heart
00:26:13.10\00:26:15.90
in your hand.
00:26:15.94\00:26:17.37
That brings us to a
wonderful story in the Bible
00:26:17.41\00:26:20.04
about Amnon and Tamar.
00:26:20.08\00:26:21.94
I don't know if
that's so wonderful. Laughter
00:26:21.98\00:26:24.21
Wonderful illustration,
but you guys know the story,
00:26:24.25\00:26:28.08
so I'm going to
share it very quickly.
00:26:28.15\00:26:30.42
You know Amnon was a
son of David and you know he
00:26:30.49\00:26:33.76
forced his sister, but what
is interesting is that the Bible
00:26:33.79\00:26:36.16
says at first he loved his
sister, in fact, he loved his
00:26:36.19\00:26:41.23
sister so much that he
felt he needed to have her
00:26:41.26\00:26:43.63
which by the way is interesting
because when somebody
00:26:43.67\00:26:46.37
really loves you and
is oxytocin-generated,
00:26:46.40\00:26:50.01
if oxytocin is
behind that feeling,
00:26:50.04\00:26:52.01
they do not feel that
they have to have you.
00:26:52.04\00:26:54.24
How do I know that? The
voles that we talked about.
00:26:54.28\00:26:57.31
The voles that I told
you guys about that would
00:26:57.35\00:27:00.42
get together for
life. Guess what?
00:27:01.02\00:27:02.88
If you put a male vole in
a cage next to a female vole
00:27:02.92\00:27:05.35
and leave them there overnight,
and all they could do is
00:27:05.39\00:27:07.46
talk to each other through
the wires, they bond for life
00:27:07.49\00:27:10.96
without sex!
00:27:10.99\00:27:12.33
The guy that tells you
you have to have sex so that
00:27:12.36\00:27:14.60
he could make up his mind
about whether or not you and he
00:27:14.63\00:27:17.37
belong together is lying.
00:27:17.40\00:27:20.30
It is not the truth,
don't ever fall for it.
00:27:20.34\00:27:23.84
Tamar was forced and low
and behold at the end of it,
00:27:23.87\00:27:29.14
the Bible says that the
love that he had for Tamar
00:27:29.18\00:27:32.01
was exceeded by the hatred
he felt for her after the fact.
00:27:32.05\00:27:38.45
Do you know what
hormone is responsible for that?
00:27:38.49\00:27:40.46
Vasopressin.
00:27:40.49\00:27:41.82
Vasopressin -
that is how that works.
00:27:41.86\00:27:44.83
And the saddest part of this
story, I think, is the Bible
00:27:44.86\00:27:47.66
never said that he
knew that he wasn't in
00:27:47.70\00:27:49.83
love with her,
that he tricked her.
00:27:49.86\00:27:51.20
No, he tricked her to
get her to that point,
00:27:51.23\00:27:54.60
but he didn't trick
her about how he felt.
00:27:54.64\00:27:56.14
The Bible actually says
he had feelings for her.
00:27:56.17\00:27:59.01
So I want you to think
about that and I will see you
00:27:59.04\00:28:01.81
again next time.
00:28:01.84\00:28:04.28