Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host Dr. John Jacob
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Today, we have with us
Miles, Bianca and Sean.
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Welcome! Hi. Hello.
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So today, we're going to discuss
hormones, a very exciting topic,
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and the road that hormones
play in behavior and, you know,
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interactions with
regard to relationship.
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You guys are all single,
right, still? Yes sir. Yes.
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And no status
changes, right? No sir.
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Okay, so hormones play a
lot of role in what you do,
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what you decide to
choose with regard to a mate
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or even to go on a
date, hormones play a
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really important
role, but we're not usually
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aware of it - it's kind
of like in the backseat.
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So we're driving, we think
we're driving, but there is a
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backseat driver. All right?
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Before we get into
that topic, however,
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Sean, remember you
took that test for us?
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Oh yes - that test.
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So are you okay with
me sharing the results
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in front of the other guests?
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Is that okay? No problem at all.
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All right, let's take
a look at Sean's results.
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Let's look at my results.
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All right, Sean, you are
on the end and lets start
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with communication. Okay
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So the test results show that
you are high in communication
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which really mean not only
are you a high communicator,
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meaning that you
communicate a lot, but you also
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require a lot of
communication from somebody that
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you're interested in. Okay
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So if you were to go
out and look for someone,
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you would want someone
that matched your level of
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communication. Mercy... laughter
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Well it's a good
thing, you wouldn't want
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a silent night now where
you're doing all the talking,
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and the person is staring at you
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like why are you talking to me?
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And then let's
look at "intimacy."
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So you are moderate
on the level of intimacy,
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and we'll talk
about that in a minute.
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But I'm just flashing
back to Miles and Bianca...
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Bianca, you were also moderate
in your need for intimacy,
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And Miles, you were borderline
which means exactly that
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on the border - not too
much, you don't' want too much,
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and you don't
want too little. Right
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And Sean, "adaptability."
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It says that you
are highly adaptable,
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meaning that you
would be willing to adjust.
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Chameleon... Well,
hoping not that far,
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no changing colors.
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But you are willing to
adjust to meet the demands
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or the requests or requirements
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of the person that
you're interested in. Okay
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Okay and it's high, you
have a really high adaptability.
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So that's a good thing.
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"Interactivity" for you is
high and interactivity really is
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how you interact
with someone else,
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but in this case, it
specifically talks about
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how soon you would
like to resolve conflict.
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Generally, people
fall into two camps...
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Either you are a
high resolution individual
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as I like to call
it... which means that you
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want something to
be resolved now. Um hm
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You don't want it to fester.
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You don't want to
push it under the carpet.
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You don't want to
push it over to the next
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day or the next week.
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You want to take care of it
right away before it gets worse.
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But would you believe,
there are some people out there
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who actually feel that
when you talk about a topic,
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you make it worse and
you can understand why they
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feel that way because very often
topics are very, very sensitive,
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You know, conflict very
sensitive and so when you
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raise a topic, it could
actually explode into something,
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you know, unmanageable.
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So you have a high need,
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so that's not
going to be your problem.
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You just need to stay
away from someone who has a
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low need to resolve
conflict. Gotcha. Okay?
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Next, "interactivity,"
okay, that's high for you.
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"Quality time" - that's
the one I want to talk about.
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Quality time - I notice all
of you have a high amount of
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quality time to
offer for someone else,
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and I'll tell you
how we arrived at this...
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When you took your
test, you realized that you
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were asked several questions
about how much time you
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spend on your
devices, right? Um hm
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Okay, so that was not me
trying to find out how much time
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you were on one
website or the other,
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it was to let me know
how much extra time you had
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to spend with a
significant other. Okay
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Now you know that
the time that we live in,
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some folks spend hours each
day playing video games. Right
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Others spend hours each
day on social networks, right?
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And so when you add up the
time that people actually spend,
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and some people spend
it on their cell phones...
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You see them, you
know, going through pictures,
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and going through
different things. Right
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You can use 4 or 5
hours a day and then when your
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significant other
wants a little bit of time,
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you have nothing left,
does that make sense? Yeah
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Okay, so Sean, it's pretty easy.
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You're high all the way
through, except for intimacy
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which we'll talk about.
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Now, for intimacy, both
of you said, "moderate,"
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and I want to share
something with you...
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There was a young lady
who was interested in a
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young man and when they
were tested, the young man
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showed that he was low on
intimacy - he didn't need much,
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and the young lady was
high and when she asked him
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about it, he said, "Well you
have to understand my religious
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and moral beliefs don't
allow me to become intimate.
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I would prefer to
reserve that for marriage.
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That made a lot of sense. Um hm
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And she was very, very
happy, you know, she went to her
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parents - she's like,
"Well I found a good one,
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you know, this guy, he's
not into any of that stuff,
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he's just interested in me,
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and he loves God
and he's a good guy.
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A girl's dream. A
girl's dream, right?
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Right? Everybody's dream.
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Can you be intimate
with someone and still not
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necessarily like
have sex with them?
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That's a good question.
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So when we talk about
intimacy, Miles, you always ask
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the right question.
Oh, thank you sir. Laughter
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When we talk about intimacy,
we could be talking about
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physical intimacy or we
could just be talking about
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general affection.
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So she was just interested
in, the general affection.
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And, even if she would
have liked a little bit of
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hand-holding and all of that,
she respected the fact that
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he didn't even want to get
on that slippery slope, right?
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And that was
great, she was happy...
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until they got married
and when they got married,
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she discovered that, in
fact, he was not interested in
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affection at all.
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He didn't like hand-holding.
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He didn't like to
say, "I love you."
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He didn't like to say,
"You mean a lot to me."
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He didn't even want to
hear those things from her.
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He wasn't romantic, he did
not believe in bringing roses,
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bringing flowers. Poor girl!
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He had no regard for
birthdays, anniversaries,
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and her special
days, and guess what?
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So when she looked at that test,
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and saw that his
intimacy score was low...
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That should have been a
warning to dig deeper and
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find out - is this what it
looks like or is this just a
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moral position or
is it something else?
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You could be
judging just your affection,
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how you relate also to
just family in general.
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It doesn't necessarily
speak to romantic part. Right
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Because for myself, it's
looking at my interactions
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mostly with my family, I haven't
been in a serious relationship.
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So, looking at that, I
like that affection from family.
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So he wasn't used to
that with his own family,
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he wasn't going to carry
that into his future family.
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Right, and that would
have given her a clue.
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Looking at the family
dynamic, very, very important.
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I mean some of us
actually get married to folks
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and we've never
met their families,
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and that's really dangerous.
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You have no idea
what the dynamic is,
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what the parenting
style was, you know,
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until you see that, so
that's a good point. Right
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She would have
gotten a clue if she saw how
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he interacted with
his family members.
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But I want to
point something out...
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There is a difference between
intimacy with your partner
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and intimacy with
your children. Right.
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And that's something to point
out - you cannot look at how
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a man - let's say there was a
single father with two children,
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you couldn't look at how he
interacted with his children,
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for instance, and
try to make a good guess
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about how he's going
to interact with you. Okay
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Because research shows
that the hormones responsible
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for those are different.
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So, he can have all the
love in the world for them
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and, in fact, now
that you brought this up,
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when she first
came to complain to me,
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this is what he said to me...
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He said, "She asked
him, Can I have a hug,
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I haven't had a hug in
years, can I have a hug?" Aww
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Yeah! I'll hug
you. Right, right?
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And then he said,
you know what he said?
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"Hugs are for kids."
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And he said that because
she pointed out that he was
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very touchy-feely with
the children and why are
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they getting all this
affection, but I get nothing.
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I mean, he's like, "Because hugs
are for kids not for adults."
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But then the kids, when
they grow up, they're like
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"Where are the
hugs, dad?" Right, right.
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Where are the hugs? Exactly.
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So you have to be very careful
and this is the reason why
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we put so much work
into creating this test,
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so that people could
be warned ahead of time
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about things that they cannot
naturally easily see. All right?
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Okay, so let's start with the
hormones and the first hormone
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we will discuss
is really dopamine.
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Have you guys
heard about dopamine? Yes
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So dopamine is really a
stimulant and it's the first
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hormone that's responsible
for the attraction that you feel
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for someone else. Right
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Okay? So it's the
initial attraction and it's
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centered, of course, in
the brain and it affects
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the reward
centers in the brain...
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But here's the weird
thing about your dopamine...
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Dopamine is at its highest when
you are on the initial hunt,
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when you're on
the initial chase.
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Because your senses are like,
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you know, percolating
and things like that?
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Yeah, it's just
how dopamine works.
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Dopamine, it just simply
flows out of expectation,
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so whenever there's
expectation and it doesn't
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just have to be
with a significant other.
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You could be expecting
to go on a camping trip.
00:10:09.57\00:10:11.81
Whenever you plan to go
traveling, for instance,
00:10:11.84\00:10:14.38
if you said, "Okay, I'm
going to go to the U.K.,"
00:10:14.41\00:10:17.45
once you begin
to do that planning,
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dopamine begins to flow in
anticipation and expectation
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of the time that
you'll have there...
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So it's not just
for relationships. Okay
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So any expectation of
something that is rewarding...
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So you find someone
and you're very interested,
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you're very excited, well
dopamine will begin to flow,
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and so this is a
caution, of course, to ladies...
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You've heard your grandmother
say, "Okay, make yourself
00:10:40.20\00:10:44.57
a little less available." Right?
00:10:44.61\00:10:47.14
"When the guy calls,
don't rush to the phone,"
00:10:47.18\00:10:50.21
and there are so many self-help
books that actually share that,
00:10:50.25\00:10:52.41
but now we know the science
behind it and the science
00:10:52.45\00:10:54.28
behind it is that the
person who is doing the chasing
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actually will be more interested
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if you allow
them some difficulty.
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There has to be a challenge
for dopamine to flow. Okay
00:11:02.49\00:11:05.89
So I guess, really, this
is something that it can be a
00:11:05.93\00:11:08.86
good thing, but then it
can turn into a bad thing.
00:11:08.90\00:11:11.63
Oh yes it can -
it absolutely can.
00:11:11.67\00:11:14.34
But remember, as singles,
you guys want to maximize
00:11:14.37\00:11:16.91
your chances of finding
someone and especially of
00:11:16.94\00:11:19.51
finding someone that
is a good match for you.
00:11:19.54\00:11:22.21
Okay, so a lot of
people, you know, they wait,
00:11:22.24\00:11:24.78
they go 2 years, 3 years,
4 years and then complain.
00:11:24.81\00:11:26.82
You know, nobody
is interested in me.
00:11:26.85\00:11:28.85
Nobody is calling, nobody
is asking me out and sometimes,
00:11:28.88\00:11:33.46
they need to change how they
approach the whole dating scene.
00:11:33.49\00:11:37.76
It seems sometimes
like you're playing a game
00:11:38.96\00:11:41.60
and it's unfortunate
that we have to be put in this
00:11:41.63\00:11:44.23
position - our society,
the time in which we live
00:11:44.27\00:11:46.74
where you have
to play these games.
00:11:46.77\00:11:48.27
You, Bianca, should be
able to go up to a guy and say,
00:11:48.30\00:11:50.74
"You know what?
I really like you.
00:11:50.77\00:11:52.57
I think you're a cool
guy, you're a neat guy."
00:11:52.61\00:11:55.14
You think so? Yes, I
mean if she wants to.
00:11:55.18\00:11:57.65
You think the
woman should initiate?
00:11:57.68\00:11:59.01
Well if she wants
to. Oh, if she wants to.
00:12:00.02\00:12:01.58
But I'm saying that
hormones don't allow
00:12:01.62\00:12:02.95
for that kind of freedom,
the hormones... Is absent?
00:12:02.98\00:12:05.05
Yeah, they just
doesn't allow it.
00:12:05.12\00:12:06.49
The guy is like... um hmm.
00:12:06.52\00:12:07.86
Laughter. Exactly, exactly.
00:12:07.89\00:12:10.26
Unless you're
talking as a friend.
00:12:10.29\00:12:12.33
Right, unless
you're talking as a friend.
00:12:12.36\00:12:13.73
But here's the other
thing... You'll also want to let
00:12:13.76\00:12:15.33
the guy know that
you're interested,
00:12:15.36\00:12:16.90
but then you don't
do the chase. Right
00:12:16.93\00:12:19.23
So you send out the signal,
00:12:19.27\00:12:20.70
but the signal
is for him to chase.
00:12:20.74\00:12:22.57
So it's like - how do you do
that without being dishonest?
00:12:22.60\00:12:27.08
Without feeling like
you're playing a game. Yeah
00:12:27.11\00:12:31.55
And you've gone to school for
a long time to become a doctor,
00:12:31.58\00:12:34.25
so I'm pretty sure you don't
want to play any more games. No
00:12:34.28\00:12:37.85
But unfortunately these
are the hormones that we have.
00:12:38.12\00:12:41.26
We have about eight
hormones in our bodies that are
00:12:41.29\00:12:43.66
responsible for all
aspects of relationship,
00:12:43.69\00:12:46.09
and they have certain
specific things that they do
00:12:46.13\00:12:48.20
and we have to
learn how they operate
00:12:48.23\00:12:50.97
so that we know what's going on.
00:12:51.00\00:12:52.33
So okay, dopamine is
responsible for the chase,
00:12:52.37\00:12:55.37
but here's something else...
00:12:55.40\00:12:56.84
Dopamine will subside from the
time you accomplish the mission.
00:12:56.87\00:13:01.54
So it works with
novelty pretty much.
00:13:01.58\00:13:03.68
Right, so it works with
novelty and the other hormone
00:13:03.71\00:13:07.08
that we talk about
which is serotonin,
00:13:07.12\00:13:08.45
they work hand in hand
and they become the novelty
00:13:08.48\00:13:11.35
hormones which mean
that when you have achieved
00:13:11.39\00:13:14.29
whatever that
goal is, they subside.
00:13:14.32\00:13:18.79
They actually go
back, they decrease,
00:13:18.83\00:13:20.80
dissipate. It
did its job, right?
00:13:20.83\00:13:22.76
They've done their job.
00:13:22.80\00:13:24.13
So here's the trick...
Especially for you Bianca,
00:13:24.17\00:13:26.87
the trick for you would be
to find out what is the guy's
00:13:26.90\00:13:30.11
real goal because if
the goal is marriage,
00:13:30.14\00:13:33.94
then dopamine can
continue to flow right up until
00:13:34.74\00:13:37.75
you guys go to the altar
and you're the happy couple.
00:13:37.78\00:13:40.72
But what if his goal
is anything short of that?
00:13:41.28\00:13:44.59
Wipe my hands of him. Laughter
00:13:45.29\00:13:48.46
For your own protection.
00:13:48.49\00:13:49.82
Okay, some people don't
and unfortunately, some people
00:13:49.86\00:13:53.40
find themselves in
premarital situations.
00:13:53.43\00:13:55.80
And here's something
else that dopamine does...
00:13:55.83\00:13:57.90
Dopamine is also the
hormone that flows when folks
00:13:57.93\00:14:02.64
make bad choices with drugs
and it actually attaches itself
00:14:02.67\00:14:07.98
to the same receptors
as cocaine and some of the
00:14:08.01\00:14:10.88
other drugs out there.
00:14:10.91\00:14:12.51
And dopamine becomes addictive.
00:14:12.55\00:14:14.08
Dopamine becomes
addictive, that's correct.
00:14:14.12\00:14:16.48
So here's the thing...
00:14:16.52\00:14:17.85
Do you want to be
addicted to an activity
00:14:17.89\00:14:22.02
or would you prefer to
be addicted to a person?
00:14:22.06\00:14:27.10
It sounds strange
to put it that way,
00:14:27.13\00:14:28.80
but I guess since God
designed that hormone to work,
00:14:28.83\00:14:32.83
He means for you to be in
sense "addicted" to one person,
00:14:32.87\00:14:37.07
that's how it was originally
supposed to be. Exactly
00:14:37.11\00:14:39.14
And addiction is a
strong word, I don't mean...
00:14:39.17\00:14:41.08
Yes, it's a
strange way to say it.
00:14:41.34\00:14:42.68
It's a strange
way to say it, right?
00:14:42.71\00:14:44.05
But just that attachment
to be that strong. Yes
00:14:44.08\00:14:46.72
So an attachment is
probably a softer way to say it,
00:14:46.75\00:14:49.48
even though
dopamine is an addictor.
00:14:49.52\00:14:51.09
So the problem is though
if you find yourself attaching
00:14:51.15\00:14:55.12
to someone else who doesn't
have the same goal in mind,
00:14:55.19\00:14:59.16
then when they
walk away, you're left
00:14:59.19\00:15:02.50
with your attachment.
00:15:02.53\00:15:04.47
Exactly, you're left
with your attachment,
00:15:04.50\00:15:06.10
and this is not
something that you want.
00:15:06.13\00:15:07.94
So I know that your
parents, your grandparents,
00:15:07.97\00:15:10.91
probably your ministers
have told you for years,
00:15:10.94\00:15:13.31
"Please stay pure,
keep yourself free from
00:15:13.34\00:15:16.91
premarital sex," but the
science is now showing that
00:15:16.95\00:15:19.75
that was
absolutely excellent advice.
00:15:19.78\00:15:22.58
I mean it's the only advice,
00:15:22.62\00:15:23.95
anything else is
risky behavior. Okay?
00:15:23.99\00:15:28.19
So let's talk a
little bit about serotonin.
00:15:28.22\00:15:29.72
Serotonin really - I
want to say it affects women
00:15:29.76\00:15:33.86
a lot and serotonin contributes
to a feeling of wellbeing
00:15:33.90\00:15:38.40
and happiness.
00:15:38.43\00:15:40.00
So serotonin is what
causes you to feel those
00:15:40.04\00:15:42.40
butterflies in your stomach.
00:15:42.44\00:15:43.77
When you first meet
someone and you're excited,
00:15:43.81\00:15:45.84
that feeling is
really the hormone.
00:15:45.87\00:15:48.74
It's the actual chemical that
is surging through your body
00:15:48.78\00:15:51.08
causing you to feel
like "I'm so excited."
00:15:51.11\00:15:53.85
You know, those are
weird feelings because it's
00:15:53.88\00:15:56.79
supposed to be good when
you're all like, you know,
00:15:56.82\00:15:58.65
you're in love with
someone, but you feel those like
00:15:58.69\00:16:02.02
when your nervous too
and it's not so good then.
00:16:02.06\00:16:04.69
It's like, it's weird - it's the
same thing, the same feeling.
00:16:04.73\00:16:09.86
Yeah, but here's the
thing, but for women,
00:16:10.50\00:16:13.00
here are four things that
serotonin would actually do.
00:16:13.03\00:16:16.40
Serotonin is
associated with status,
00:16:16.44\00:16:19.84
so the animals in the animal
kingdom that have serotonin
00:16:19.87\00:16:22.81
they're looking for the
strongest bull in the herd.
00:16:22.84\00:16:26.08
They're looking for
the strongest looking lion.
00:16:26.11\00:16:28.28
You know what I'm
saying, they're looking for the
00:16:28.32\00:16:29.65
animal that they feel
would be the best gene,
00:16:29.68\00:16:33.66
you know, to keep the genes
going, their gene pool going
00:16:33.69\00:16:37.16
to keep it strong and
that's what's going on in the
00:16:37.19\00:16:39.43
animal kingdom,
but in the human race,
00:16:39.46\00:16:42.40
it's a little different.
00:16:42.43\00:16:44.20
You're still looking for
status, generally speaking...
00:16:44.23\00:16:47.40
and here's where X and
Y Theory comes about...
00:16:47.44\00:16:49.90
When we did our research,
the Y-type females were
00:16:49.94\00:16:53.07
more concerned about
status than the X-type females.
00:16:53.11\00:16:56.18
Interesting. Is that true?
00:16:56.21\00:16:58.51
Well don't put the
lady on the spot Miles.
00:16:58.55\00:17:01.05
No don't - yes,
she's a Y. Sorry.
00:17:01.08\00:17:03.05
We're not going to put her
on the spot, I'm just saying...
00:17:03.08\00:17:06.02
Y- types were more interested
and she could be an exception.
00:17:06.05\00:17:08.49
Y- types are more
interested in the status
00:17:08.52\00:17:11.56
of the person that they're with.
00:17:11.59\00:17:12.93
Why? Because that status
actually causes hormonal flow.
00:17:12.96\00:17:18.33
Now remember, these hormones
are all the happy hormones.
00:17:18.37\00:17:20.44
These are the good boys,
these are the good guys here,
00:17:20.47\00:17:22.97
and they're called
the "happy hormones."
00:17:23.00\00:17:24.77
So, if she wants to
feel a sense of fulfillment,
00:17:24.81\00:17:27.88
she would have that more so
if she goes with someone that
00:17:27.91\00:17:31.65
is at her level.
00:17:31.68\00:17:33.01
Word of caution, of
course... So you work very hard
00:17:33.05\00:17:37.42
in school and now
you're a doctor. Right
00:17:37.45\00:17:39.85
I have actually worked
with several female doctors
00:17:39.89\00:17:44.49
who didn't take the
whole serotonin thing
00:17:44.53\00:17:48.36
into consideration and now,
10 years, 15 years, 20 years
00:17:48.40\00:17:51.90
later, they're feeling like
they've outgrown their partner.
00:17:51.93\00:17:55.70
Hmm. Exactly.
00:17:55.74\00:17:57.91
This is not
something that you think about
00:17:57.94\00:17:59.27
when you're your age
and when you just graduate
00:17:59.31\00:18:01.01
from college... you
don't think about that.
00:18:01.04\00:18:02.78
What you're
thinking about is love.
00:18:02.81\00:18:04.15
You're not thinking
that in years, down the road,
00:18:04.18\00:18:06.75
"my chemical makeup
will actually require me
00:18:06.78\00:18:09.52
to be with someone
that I have to look up to,
00:18:09.55\00:18:11.95
rather than look down to."
00:18:11.99\00:18:14.29
So it's
something to think about.
00:18:14.32\00:18:16.12
You want somebody who is willing
to grow, improve himself.
00:18:16.16\00:18:20.50
Exactly - so
that's a good point.
00:18:20.53\00:18:22.46
The person either needs to
be your equal or the person
00:18:22.50\00:18:25.53
needs to be, well, you know,
00:18:25.57\00:18:28.14
somebody that you
feel you could look up to
00:18:28.17\00:18:29.50
or if the person is not at
your level, it's someone who you
00:18:29.54\00:18:33.48
feel will be
committed to a growth,
00:18:33.51\00:18:36.04
a lifetime of
growth. That does make sense.
00:18:36.08\00:18:39.11
But it makes sense, I
mean, even the very Bible
00:18:39.18\00:18:42.18
that we read actually
contributes to the whole notion
00:18:42.22\00:18:46.82
that you should
always be getting better.
00:18:46.86\00:18:48.86
Moving toward
perfection, right? Right
00:18:48.92\00:18:50.89
Well it's the same
thing, someone should always be
00:18:50.93\00:18:53.56
willing to improve
themselves as they go along.
00:18:53.60\00:18:56.23
Okay, "stature" -
this is what they found.
00:18:56.26\00:18:58.27
Serotonin is connected to
the desire that someone has
00:18:58.30\00:19:02.50
to be with someone
of a certain stature.
00:19:02.54\00:19:05.37
You want someone tall,
you want someone strong,
00:19:05.41\00:19:07.58
you want
somebody that's athletic,
00:19:07.61\00:19:08.94
and if you go on any
of those dating websites,
00:19:08.98\00:19:10.75
you notice that they
always have a list...
00:19:10.78\00:19:12.51
Okay, "athletic" -
check, "height" - check, right?
00:19:12.55\00:19:15.78
Okay, they're appealing to
the serotonin that they know is
00:19:15.82\00:19:18.89
in us, right? And so, yeah, they
00:19:19.15\00:19:21.69
have a lot of people on
there just specifically looking
00:19:21.72\00:19:24.06
for those and we have
some dating websites that paid
00:19:24.09\00:19:26.76
attention to nothing else
but appearance and stature.
00:19:26.80\00:19:29.40
That's it. Ouch! Yeah
00:19:29.43\00:19:30.90
Yeah, you don't call
names, but we know who they are,
00:19:30.93\00:19:33.37
you know, they're
out there and then...
00:19:33.40\00:19:35.20
here is something
else that serotonin does.
00:19:35.24\00:19:38.21
Serotonin actually
causes you to want to focus
00:19:38.24\00:19:41.18
on survival
without struggle. Okay
00:19:41.21\00:19:44.75
Now there's survival,
but then there's survival
00:19:45.21\00:19:47.52
without a daily struggle.
00:19:47.55\00:19:49.55
And so, we have a lot
of, especially females that
00:19:49.58\00:19:53.59
we would test and when
they turn up to be Y-types
00:19:53.62\00:19:56.59
then they complain to me
and say, "Dr. Jacob, you know
00:19:56.62\00:19:59.03
I get called " a gold
digger" all the time and I don't
00:19:59.06\00:20:03.13
I don't consider
myself digging for gold here,
00:20:03.57\00:20:05.27
I don't go out of my
way to look for someone
00:20:05.30\00:20:07.87
because they're rich
or anything like that."
00:20:07.90\00:20:09.54
But they come across that way
and they come across that way
00:20:09.57\00:20:11.97
simply because serotonin
causes them, as Y-types,
00:20:12.01\00:20:14.44
to be more
concerned about security.
00:20:14.48\00:20:16.61
Personally, I don't see
anything wrong with that.
00:20:16.64\00:20:18.58
Why would you want to
be with someone who cannot
00:20:18.61\00:20:20.58
provide you a
certain sense of security.
00:20:20.62\00:20:23.42
But as a Y-type, you
need to know that that will be
00:20:23.45\00:20:26.12
more likely your
focus than someone else,
00:20:26.15\00:20:28.99
and if you don't feel it
now, you will feel it later,
00:20:29.02\00:20:30.83
but it's good to know
about it. Interesting. Yeah
00:20:30.86\00:20:34.03
And finally, of course,
serotonin is responsible
00:20:34.06\00:20:37.83
for the whole separation thing.
00:20:37.87\00:20:40.10
So you can have a
separation anxiety when you are
00:20:40.14\00:20:43.71
coming to the end of
a relationship and these
00:20:43.74\00:20:46.64
hormones - these happy hormones
also cause disappointment.
00:20:46.68\00:20:51.91
So there is such a thing
as serotonin disappointment.
00:20:51.95\00:20:55.15
Is it because it dips
that you get those surges? Yes
00:20:55.18\00:20:58.35
You feel a disappointment when
it dips, so there's dopamine
00:20:58.39\00:21:00.69
disappointment and there's
serotonin disappointment.
00:21:00.72\00:21:03.29
When things don't work
out, when the expectations
00:21:03.32\00:21:06.16
are not met, when the
guy turns out to be anything
00:21:06.19\00:21:09.03
other than what you
thought that he was,
00:21:09.06\00:21:10.87
when the relationship
looks like it's about to end,
00:21:10.90\00:21:13.13
these hormones dip and
they just don't leave you
00:21:13.17\00:21:16.71
with a disappointed
feeling, they actually
00:21:16.74\00:21:18.77
raise your anxiety
level and actually cause
00:21:18.81\00:21:22.44
depression as well.
00:21:22.48\00:21:24.11
Keep in mind when
people suffer from depression
00:21:24.15\00:21:26.75
and they go to a psychiatrist,
he usually would prescribe
00:21:26.78\00:21:31.12
a serotonin uptake inhibitor.
00:21:31.15\00:21:34.76
He prescribes something
that has something to do with
00:21:34.79\00:21:37.19
serotonin because
serotonin is implicated in
00:21:37.23\00:21:39.29
anxiety and depression.
00:21:39.33\00:21:40.80
So, each of you, you see
why you should be so very
00:21:40.83\00:21:44.50
careful when you go out
there, you know, who you choose,
00:21:44.53\00:21:46.84
how you choose,
what you choose to do
00:21:46.87\00:21:49.30
because you want to make
sure that when everything is
00:21:49.34\00:21:51.47
said and done, if you feel that
the person that is after you
00:21:51.51\00:21:54.61
or the person that
you are interested in
00:21:54.64\00:21:56.64
is not the person
that God intended for you,
00:21:56.68\00:21:59.11
you want to be
able to walk away. Right
00:21:59.15\00:22:01.05
Without feeling
hurt and rejected.
00:22:01.08\00:22:02.75
Right, you don't
want to feel hurt,
00:22:02.78\00:22:04.25
you don't want to
feel rejected and you don't
00:22:04.29\00:22:05.62
want to leave them
hurt and damaged either.
00:22:05.65\00:22:07.72
I wanted to add
one more thing...
00:22:07.76\00:22:10.43
and it's the road that
oxytocin plays with the dopamine
00:22:10.46\00:22:14.80
and with serotonin.
00:22:14.83\00:22:16.46
All of you guys are
single, so you're out there
00:22:16.50\00:22:19.13
and I know that we've talked
about what you've been told,
00:22:19.17\00:22:21.94
but I want to tell you a little
bit more of how this works.
00:22:21.97\00:22:24.57
So keep in mind that the
dopamine is going to push
00:22:24.61\00:22:27.14
you out there, force you to
find someone that, you know,
00:22:27.18\00:22:30.31
you think is
attractive, but dopamine is also
00:22:30.35\00:22:33.25
responsible for sex drive.
00:22:33.28\00:22:35.08
It works
hand-in-hand with sex drive,
00:22:35.12\00:22:37.65
it works hand-in-hand
with testosterone which is
00:22:37.69\00:22:39.55
another hormone and
together these hormones give you
00:22:39.59\00:22:43.22
the idea that you need to
push further and try to be
00:22:43.26\00:22:47.70
more than you
really actually should be
00:22:47.73\00:22:49.63
this late in the
relationship. Okay. Hmm
00:22:49.66\00:22:51.93
So premaritally now, you're
thinking, "Okay, I want to be
00:22:51.97\00:22:54.94
physically intimate
with this individual,"
00:22:54.97\00:22:57.21
and here's the
problem... Oxytocin is produced
00:22:57.24\00:23:02.21
five times more in the
body during physical contact,
00:23:02.24\00:23:08.28
physical intercourse,
five times more than if you
00:23:08.32\00:23:11.02
guys were, let's say,
just holding hands. Right
00:23:11.05\00:23:13.32
So, Miles, you have
possibly good intentions. Yes
00:23:13.36\00:23:17.29
And you go out with the
young lady and one thing leads
00:23:17.33\00:23:19.96
to the next and you guys go
too far - you cross the line.
00:23:20.00\00:23:24.77
This young lady now produces
five times the amount of
00:23:24.80\00:23:28.50
oxytocin because this is
how oxytocin works. Right
00:23:28.54\00:23:32.04
I want you guys to
think about Krazy Glue...
00:23:32.07\00:23:34.08
Have you used
Krazy Glue before? Yes.
00:23:35.18\00:23:37.21
Okay, you know what
happens with Krazy Glue if you
00:23:37.25\00:23:38.95
get it on your finger... Um hm
00:23:38.98\00:23:40.32
And you stick it and you
attach it to something else.
00:23:40.35\00:23:43.02
You know you're going to
probably lose a little bit
00:23:43.05\00:23:44.75
of your finger there, right?
00:23:44.79\00:23:46.22
Okay, well guess what?
00:23:46.25\00:23:48.09
Oxytocin is that Krazy Glue.
00:23:48.12\00:23:50.23
It was created - it was intended
for the purpose of keeping
00:23:50.26\00:23:53.66
people together forever. Right
00:23:53.70\00:23:55.20
It's supposed to be good.
00:23:56.03\00:23:57.37
It's supposed to
be and it is good,
00:23:57.40\00:23:58.73
but it's not good
out of context. Right
00:23:58.77\00:24:01.04
What you're actually doing
is you're setting yourself up
00:24:01.07\00:24:03.74
with someone who isn't
even sure that he wants you
00:24:03.77\00:24:06.88
for the rest of his life. Hmm
00:24:06.91\00:24:08.51
And you're using a glue
that is going to keep you guys
00:24:08.54\00:24:12.01
or try to keep you
guys together forever.
00:24:12.05\00:24:14.62
So when he walks away,
you are left with your heart
00:24:14.65\00:24:19.39
still attached to him as
he's walking away from you.
00:24:19.42\00:24:22.06
Right, because this could
be like for, let's just say,
00:24:22.09\00:24:24.96
for males, like, you know,
use those hormones and things
00:24:24.99\00:24:28.16
just to go after
something that excites you
00:24:28.20\00:24:30.23
and gets you where you
want to go and it's fulfilling
00:24:30.27\00:24:33.03
and stuff, but then like
you said, once that chase
00:24:33.07\00:24:36.71
or whatever - the thing that
you went after is over... Yes
00:24:36.74\00:24:39.34
... then it goes away and
you leave, but sometimes maybe
00:24:39.37\00:24:42.74
for the female or just
your partner, whatever,
00:24:42.78\00:24:45.25
they're stuck to you and
then one person is feeling like
00:24:45.28\00:24:48.88
you know, what's going on,
how come they're not calling
00:24:49.28\00:24:52.02
me or whatever the case,
but the other person is gone
00:24:52.05\00:24:53.99
it makes no difference. Right
00:24:54.02\00:24:55.39
And why is the
other person gone?
00:24:55.42\00:24:57.56
Serotonin and dopamine -
they have been compared to
00:24:57.59\00:25:01.83
"the new car smell." Okay
00:25:01.86\00:25:04.80
So think about that
- "the new car smell."
00:25:04.83\00:25:06.97
When you buy a car, it's
new and you like how it smells,
00:25:07.00\00:25:10.54
but that smell
does not last very long.
00:25:10.57\00:25:12.74
In fact, the car in
probably less than a year,
00:25:12.77\00:25:14.84
the smell is gone,
the car is still new,
00:25:14.88\00:25:17.15
and what do you
do? Do you trade it in
00:25:17.18\00:25:19.01
for a new car so that you
could keep getting that smell
00:25:19.05\00:25:21.05
or do you
just... Buy that spray!
00:25:21.08\00:25:23.62
Buy a spray! Right!
Yeah, you buy a spray!
00:25:23.65\00:25:25.39
New car smell - it
says that and you spray it
00:25:25.42\00:25:27.76
and you move on, right?
00:25:27.79\00:25:29.32
But in dating,
that's not how it works.
00:25:29.36\00:25:31.06
The guys - they
actually, and I'm saying "guys,"
00:25:31.09\00:25:33.43
but you know it could
be girls as well. Right
00:25:33.46\00:25:34.96
The individual who is allowing
their hormones to control them,
00:25:35.00\00:25:39.90
now needs that new car smell,
so nothing is wrong with you
00:25:39.93\00:25:43.44
and nothing was wrong
with the relationship,
00:25:43.47\00:25:44.94
but they have moved on
because they want the excitement
00:25:44.97\00:25:47.84
and the butterflies that
they had in the first place,
00:25:47.88\00:25:50.81
and they need to keep
that going over and over
00:25:50.85\00:25:53.08
so they move from flower
to flower, to flower to flower
00:25:53.11\00:25:55.65
leaving you in the
wake, holding your heart.
00:25:55.68\00:25:58.19
Couldn't that kind of
still be even more prevalent now
00:25:58.22\00:26:01.39
for the fact that social
media and the fact that you have
00:26:01.42\00:26:05.19
so many options on the
internet where you're clicking
00:26:05.23\00:26:07.16
through all these
pictures, these dating websites,
00:26:07.20\00:26:09.73
and you kind of see one
thing and you go after that,
00:26:09.76\00:26:11.93
and you see another
picture and you go after that,
00:26:11.97\00:26:13.90
and another person
after that and then, you know,
00:26:13.94\00:26:16.54
after that it's gone -
you know what I'm saying.
00:26:16.57\00:26:18.27
It's like with our society these
days - we have so many options
00:26:18.31\00:26:21.88
to choose from and so
that's kind of like you want to
00:26:21.91\00:26:24.91
get that new car
smell all the time. Yeah
00:26:24.95\00:26:26.65
The options are
what causes the problem.
00:26:26.68\00:26:28.88
Before we conclude, I wanted
to make a spiritual application
00:26:28.92\00:26:32.75
because there's so much
in the Bible that seems to
00:26:32.79\00:26:35.82
speak to this - you
know the story of David
00:26:35.86\00:26:37.29
and Bathsheba. Definitely!
00:26:37.33\00:26:38.69
And interestingly, David
was called "a man after God's
00:26:38.73\00:26:41.20
own heart," which I
think is what you really should
00:26:41.23\00:26:43.47
place the emphasis on.
00:26:43.50\00:26:44.83
This was not an ungodly
man, this was a principled man.
00:26:44.87\00:26:48.24
This was, you know, a guy
that was very close to God.
00:26:48.27\00:26:51.34
And one unguarded
moment, in one unguarded moment,
00:26:51.37\00:26:55.28
he allowed dopamine - remember
dopamine is interested in
00:26:55.31\00:26:58.61
challenge and
chase... he saw Bathsheba on
00:26:58.65\00:27:01.42
the roof of her
house taking a bath.
00:27:01.45\00:27:02.88
I'm not sure why she
was up there, maybe that was
00:27:02.92\00:27:06.25
how they did it in those
days, but really, she should
00:27:06.29\00:27:08.42
have been in the
house, but he saw what he saw
00:27:08.46\00:27:11.06
and this godly man,
in an unguarded moment,
00:27:11.09\00:27:13.60
instead of using his
prefrontal cortex to tell him
00:27:13.63\00:27:16.73
"Hey, this is not right,
this is not the thing to do,"
00:27:16.77\00:27:19.83
he allowed his hormones to take
over in very much the same way
00:27:19.87\00:27:24.61
that a lot of young men
and young women do today
00:27:24.64\00:27:28.11
even being really,
really, really spiritual
00:27:28.14\00:27:30.75
and really, really,
really close to God.
00:27:30.78\00:27:33.31
This is the caution
that you guys need to take
00:27:33.35\00:27:36.38
when you're out there.
00:27:36.42\00:27:37.75
It doesn't take
much, it doesn't take long.
00:27:37.79\00:27:39.75
It just takes one moment.
00:27:39.79\00:27:41.29
Keep in mind that it
just takes one bad decision
00:27:41.32\00:27:44.99
to change the course
of your life forever.
00:27:45.03\00:27:47.10
But I'd like to say...
Those of you that have already
00:27:47.13\00:27:50.27
felt that you have gone
too far, it's never too late.
00:27:50.30\00:27:54.27
Jesus saves and Jesus
corrects every mistake.
00:27:54.30\00:27:58.47
See you next time.
00:27:58.51\00:27:59.97