Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Sean Brereton, Miles Rashad, Bianca Acosta
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000017A
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00:23 Hello and welcome to "Road to Romance"
00:26 I'm your host Dr. John Jacob 00:28 Today we have with us Miles, Bianca and Sean. 00:32 Sean, you're new to our program. Yes 00:36 Welcome! Thank you. 00:38 I don't know if the others have told you, 00:40 but you are going to have to take a test 00:43 when we get finished, it's a personality test 00:47 to let us know a little bit about yourself. Okay 00:49 But mostly, to let you know what you like 00:52 and what your needs are in a relationship. Okay 00:54 The answers will always be "no." Laughter... Okay 00:58 "No," you have to answer honestly. Okay, sorry. 01:00 ... So we can get your honest responses. No problem. 01:05 Okay, today we are going to talk about adaptability. 01:09 You guys are all single, am I right? 01:10 Ah, yes sir. Okay. 01:12 Such hesitance... laughter Are you all right? 01:15 I am! Are you, well... 01:16 Very much so. You are? Okay. Yes 01:18 All right, this is good. 01:19 So we talk about adaptability today because a lot of singles 01:24 never pay attention to whether or not they are looking 01:27 for someone or finding someone who can make the adjustments 01:30 in a relationship mostly because hormones rule. 01:36 Hormones actually drive the whole dating process. 01:39 Hormones determine whether or not you are going to be 01:42 attracted to someone and then determine how you will 01:46 date them - like pre-engagement, and those very hormones 01:50 cause you to forget to look for certain important details, 01:55 things that might come up in a marriage 01:57 and cause some problems... so adaptability 02:00 is one of them... now what does this mean? 02:02 Adaptability simply means... will you be able to adapt 02:06 to the differences that you will discover in your partner 02:09 after you guys have made that big commitment. 02:12 So the commitment sometimes is marriage, 02:15 but at other times, the commitment is just, 02:18 "Well, you know, let's date or let's be boyfriend 02:20 and girlfriend, let's be exclusive." 02:22 Now if you waited that long to find out whether or not 02:26 this person could make adjustments in the relationship, 02:28 you've waited too long. 02:30 Is there certain things that you can do, 02:31 like in the courting stage or the courting-dating stage 02:34 to see if that person can be adaptable or is there 02:37 certain like questions to ask or certain, I guess, task or 02:42 experiment that you can make so you can see the process of it? 02:47 Well there are several tests, but that would be a little 02:48 awkward. 02:50 Well I mean, you know... to bring it out. 02:53 But I know what you're saying, something that 02:54 you can do naturally. Yeah 02:56 Oh yeah, tons of things. 02:57 You do a lot of things like going out to restaurants. 03:01 Going to eat... now she may not want 03:04 to eat a certain thing 03:06 or she may not like a certain restaurant. 03:08 But the way she goes about communicating that to you 03:11 tells you if she's flexible or not. Okay 03:13 So if you mention it and she just flies off the handle, 03:17 she says, "Who uses this?" Like, "What do you mean 03:19 taking me to a restaurant like this, I don't ever go to a 03:21 restaurant like that." 03:22 She's going to be hungry then. Laughter 03:25 You're going to leave her out, right? 03:26 I mean, you know. 03:27 I know what you're saying, I know what you're saying, 03:29 but I'm saying you can use natural everyday means like that 03:35 to determine whether or not she's adaptable. Okay 03:37 Now, you may need to change a date at some point, 03:41 so you may say, "Well let's go out on Saturday night," 03:44 and she agrees, 8 o'clock, Saturday night. 03:47 Something comes up and you need to make it 8:30... 03:51 Now how does she react when you say, "Something came up, 03:55 and the time is changed?" 03:56 Is she polite? Is she cordial or, again, 03:59 does she completely lose it? 04:01 Does she get very annoyed? Do you get some sort of an 04:05 irritability in her voice? 04:07 You know, is she sarcastic just because 04:09 you wanted to change the time? 04:10 So these are some things that you want to look for 04:12 before you get serious because once you get 04:15 on the other side of "I do," there's very 04:17 chance of getting those things changed. 04:20 I have a question... You know, during like in the 04:21 beginning phases of, you know, you're meeting somebody, 04:24 and you want to go out with them, you're dating them, 04:26 you put on your best behavior, so even if you're 04:28 not necessarily an adaptable person like, you know, 04:33 normally you generally tend to be a little bit different, 04:38 and say, "Okay, 8:30 is fine," just because you really like 04:40 the person and think of that. 04:42 Well that is true and we actually have a name for that... 04:44 We call that, "functional faking." Uh oh. 04:46 So they're faking because they're not naturally 04:49 that open to change, but they're faking it because 04:53 they're really interested in you and they want this 04:55 to work out, but here's the thing... 04:58 What about the person who won't even fake it? 05:01 What about the person who shows you ahead of time... 05:04 But you still go through... 05:05 And you still go on Miles, you still go on. 05:07 You still date, you still go on a second date and a third date, 05:09 and you've seen all along that this person isn't even 05:11 taking the time to do the, little dance that everyone does 05:16 prior to making a commitment, then you know that you're in 05:19 serious trouble after. Right 05:20 Well I guess it's a good thing that you can see that they're 05:23 being real with themselves and you can see it ahead of time. 05:25 Yes, this is another reason though, why I never encourage 05:28 folks to make a commitment like in 3 months. 05:32 I've heard, well - I have some friends that did that, 05:35 where 3 months in to the relationship they were 05:37 already proposing, well guess what? 05:40 This stage, where you can do the functional faking, 05:43 by the way - it's a hormonal thing, your hormones 05:45 allow you to bring your date representative, as they call it, 05:49 and have this person be very, very convincing. 05:52 That phase lasts about 3 months to 2 years, 05:56 that's how long someone can fake it. 05:58 Now, I don't want you to think about people as 06:01 being malicious with the faking. 06:03 We call it "functional faking," but very often 06:05 they don't realize that they're faking it. 06:06 Everybody realizes that, "Okay, I'm intentionally 06:08 going to deceive Bianca." 06:10 That's not necessarily the intent. 06:12 Sometimes they're just trying to put their best foot forward 06:15 as you said and they won't let you know, "Hey, I don't 06:18 need this or I don't go there, I don't do that, 06:21 I don't like this." 06:22 Most people tend not to bring those things out 06:24 when they're dating. Okay? 06:26 So if it could take about 2 years before they get 06:29 tired of the act and you propose in 3 months, 06:33 you see what kind of a dangerous situation 06:35 you're putting yourself in. Um hm 06:37 Right, because you'll be married maybe 6 months 06:39 after that and you have no idea who you have. 06:43 So, here's the other thing... 06:45 I know you guys want to put your best foot 06:47 forward, but guess what? 06:49 The hormones that are swirling during the dating process, 06:52 the pre-engagement process, the hormones are also 06:55 responsible for change, making change easy. 06:59 So the time that you're partner will find changing 07:02 for you or changing for the relationship to work 07:04 the easiest - is the time that you are least likely 07:08 to bring things up, to bring differences up. Okay 07:11 So you see the differences and you're like, "Oh no, 07:13 I'm not going to bring it up right now, 07:14 I could always do that later." 07:16 Well guess what? Now is the time that 07:17 you should bring it up because the brother will be willing 07:19 to make some changes right now, 07:21 not after that ring is on your finger. Okay 07:23 So that's something to remember. 07:26 Okay, "assimilating," who can tell me what 07:32 assimilating is about? 07:34 Become similar to come like that other thing or person. 07:40 So there's always a risk when you're in a new relationship 07:42 that you might lose yourself. 07:45 Okay, you guys know about XY Theory by now, 07:48 so there are X-types and there are Y-types. 07:50 X- types tend to be the ones that do most of the 07:53 adapting the majority of times. 07:56 There may be some Y-types that do adapting, 07:58 but usually the X-types are the ones who adapt 08:01 more easily, right? Yeah 08:03 You're looking at a Y here. 08:05 I know Bianca is our resident Y. I've never met a Y. 08:08 You never met a girl that's a Y, right? Never. 08:11 Yeah, see - they're pretty and friendly and happy 08:14 and sociable and, you know, it's okay. 08:17 This isn't about giving up on someone because they 08:22 have a different type of personality. 08:23 This is about finding out what their needs are, 08:25 their different needs are so you can make an adjustment. 08:28 So adaptability is all about adjusting, can you adjust? 08:31 And then, as we mentioned, assimilating. 08:34 So assimilating is your attempt to become similar to the person, 08:38 and the way you do that is you find out about their interests, 08:42 and you kind of try to make their interests 08:44 yours if possible. 08:45 Now, you won't be able to like everything that they like. 08:48 Maybe Sean is into rock climbing and you hate the idea of 08:53 going up perpendicular on a rock like that. 08:55 You think it's dangerous and you might even think it's 08:57 silly or foolish. 08:59 So you won't join him with the rock climbing, 09:02 at least you won't be on the rock, 09:03 but you could go with him. 09:04 You could stand there and be 09:06 supportive - you know what I'm saying? 09:07 You could begin to assimilate some of his interests. 09:10 People who choose not to assimilate, 09:12 often find themselves leading parallel lives in marriage. 09:16 The husband is going his way, the wife is going 09:19 her way and they only get together for dinner, 09:23 lunch, a function - if there's a function that they need. 09:28 Other than that, little discussion, little communication 09:32 and very little activities that are shared. Okay? 09:36 And then, there is "accommodating." 09:38 Now there's a difference between accommodating 09:39 and assimilating. 09:41 Accommodating means, "I'm not going to join you in that 09:45 skydiving because I fear for my life, 09:48 but I will accommodate you, I won't give you a hard time 09:52 when you tell me that you need to continue doing this 09:54 because you used to do this before you met me." 09:57 Okay, I don't want to confuse you guys. 09:59 You guys look a little confused, I'm throwing a lot of 10:01 information at you and Sean, 10:04 you look like you have a question. 10:05 Yes, what about over assimilating? 10:08 Well okay, that's a good question. 10:10 You can over assimilate. 10:12 Some people just assimilate which means you take up 10:14 some of the interests of your partner, 10:17 but some people over-assimilate which means that they 10:20 pretty much give up their entire lifestyle. 10:23 They give up their friends, all of their friends. 10:24 They give up their family members almost like 10:27 they disown them and they give up all of their interests 10:29 and took on the interests of the partner, 10:32 but you don't want to do that because you can't 10:33 sustain that all the way into a marriage. 10:36 There's going to come a time when you're going to wake up 10:38 one day and you're going to ask yourself, "Whom am I?" 10:40 Where's Sean? Where did I leave him? 10:42 You know? Well you left him way back then 10:44 when you made that decision to do 10:46 whatever your new partner wanted. 10:48 So be careful not to assimilate, but here's the rub... 10:52 Y- types tend to not do that. 10:56 Bianca, that means that you're saved right? Right? X- types. 11:01 X- types you endanger all the time and the higher 11:03 an X you are, if you're like a high X, moderate X, 11:06 extreme X, then you are at risk for doing that. 11:09 Why? Because you tend to be the adaptor, 11:12 you tend to be the more adaptive one... 11:13 And, you know, there's a thin line between very adaptive 11:17 and completely over-assimilating 11:19 and losing your sense of identity. 11:21 Does that mean we can be easily influenced into doing things? 11:24 Yes, that's a good point, X- types tend to be 11:27 more trusting which means... If someone says to you, 11:30 "I am going to come and pick you up at a certain time," 11:33 you believe him and when he calls and says, "I had a flat 11:37 tire, I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to make the date," 11:40 you believe that as well. 11:42 We found that X-types tend to be more gullible, 11:44 and here's the thing... X- types also have more 11:47 oxytocin and when you read the literature on oxytocin, 11:51 it says, "Oxytocin produces trust and a lot of oxytocin 11:56 causes gullibility. 11:58 So that's a good question. 11:59 So you don't want to be too gullible. 12:01 If you know you're an X, you always have to 12:02 ask yourself - "Am I being too easy here, should I be asking 12:06 some other questions, am I being too trusting?" 12:09 And so your personality allows you to know 12:12 how to tweak your dating so that you could be more 12:14 protective of yourself and your heart. Okay 12:17 Does that make sense? Yeah 12:18 Okay, so what else are you going to look out for? 12:20 You going to look out for someone who has low tolerance. 12:24 Tolerance is very, very important. Why? 12:26 Because we are all different, very different from each other 12:30 which means - if you do things differently because you were 12:32 raised in a family where it was done that way, 12:35 and I am intolerant then for the next 20 years. 12:38 I am complaining to you about how you do things, 12:41 trying to get you to adjust what you do so that it 12:44 matches what I do. 12:46 Now someone that has a lot of tolerance, 12:48 they will say to themselves, "So what if Sean makes 12:53 his tea with bags first and then sugar later and then 12:59 the hot water and it seems like it's out of order, 13:01 and we should do it in a different way, 13:02 you say, "Oh forget it, I'm not going to sweat 13:03 the small stuff," because you're tolerant, 13:05 but tolerance is something 13:07 that you could detect before you get too deep into a 13:09 relationship. Okay 13:11 So you guys want somebody that's tolerant, right? 13:13 Correct, is that more of an X or a Y or it just kind of 13:15 depends on your upbringing. 13:17 Yeah, it depends a lot on your upbringing? 13:19 Some people were raised in homes where there wasn't a lot of 13:21 tolerance, you know, parents were very strict... 13:23 we call them authoritarian parents and if that's 13:27 what you're used to, you tend to very often 13:29 become that way - so that's a good question. 13:31 That's more character than personality... 13:34 No, I would say it's more personality than character. 13:37 I mean, it could be... yeah, go ahead... 13:38 No, I was going to say because upbringing would, 13:41 I guess it would determine more character? 13:43 Well, remember upbringing has different elements. Okay 13:45 And part of upbringing is to make sure that you raise 13:48 moral, you know, children, ethical children part of it, 13:53 but it doesn't have to be character, 13:54 it could be personality. 13:56 So Sean, that's a really good question. 13:58 As you can tell, it's a complicated one. 14:01 Your family does contribute greatly to your morality 14:05 and that's very important, but they also contribute 14:09 to your personality who you develop as a person, 14:12 and that is what we're referring to in this segment. 14:16 But there's one other thing I wanted to share with you 14:18 guys and it has to do with "speed." 14:22 What we found is... When someone is interested 14:24 in you and you notice that they're going "too fast," 14:28 everything is going fast, like they're running out of 14:31 time - like they have to catch up fast, it's almost 14:34 like you're speed-dating, but they're moving things 14:36 along too fast. 14:37 Usually there is a problem and you need to be aware of that. 14:42 And the same rule goes for "too slow." 14:44 They're going too slow, they never have time to see you. 14:48 They never have time to talk and they just are willing 14:52 to drag things out for year, after year, after year. 14:56 It's also a problem, so relationships need 14:59 to be well-paced and if the person that you're 15:01 interested in has a problem with "pace," 15:03 then you need to reconsider your options. 15:07 Could you talk about it, or like say, "Hey look, 15:10 what's going on, like why are things moving so slow, 15:13 or should you just kind of move on? 15:15 Well you'll want to talk about it, I mean, they may have 15:16 some valid legitimate reasons and you'll want 15:18 to find out t what those are, right? 15:20 So you ask them, but if you're not satisfied with the reasons, 15:23 or after you've dealt with it, it's still a problem, 15:25 you know, month-in, as you go on. 15:28 You might just want to say, "Hey, I'm not real comfortable 15:31 with this, let's just be friends and then you move on. 15:35 How about, I mean, okay so I know there are some rare 15:38 situations and so maybe we shouldn't take those exceptions, 15:45 we should never make those exceptions as a rule, but 15:48 still like, how do you know when those exceptions are 15:51 okay, like as far as speed because I know 15:54 some people where they have been married for 15:56 decades and decades and they knew, according to them, 16:00 that, you know, "This is the person I'm going to marry, 16:03 this is the direction we're going, 16:05 I already know what I want, why wait?" 16:08 And that's how some people are about it... 16:10 Like how do you know when that's okay and when that is 16:15 like a dangerous situation? 16:16 Well remember what we talked about with the 16:17 3 months to 2 years? 16:20 Okay, someone that wants to propose to you in 3 months, 16:23 that's not a good exception. 16:26 Something is wrong, we found that a lot of people 16:28 who have problems with relationships try 16:30 to speed things up so that you don't 16:32 find out that they have problems, 16:35 and that, you don't want to happen. Okay? 16:39 I want to thank you guys for coming on today, 16:42 and I'll see you next time! Thank you sir, thank you. 16:54 Hello and welcome back to "Road to Romance" 16:57 We are joined again by Vania and Jeremiah. 16:59 Welcome! Thanks for having us! Happy to be back! 17:02 So today, I thought we could talk about two aspects 17:05 of relationship - "adaptability" and something we call 17:08 "interactivity" which is how you interact with each other. 17:11 So let's talk about "adapting." 17:15 You guys have been married for how long? 17:17 About 2-1/2 years. 17:18 Two-and-a-half years, so does it feel like 17:20 you're still dating or... 17:21 Very much so. Yes! 17:23 We try to make it a point to still date each other. 17:25 And you look like you are actually. Yes 17:28 This is a secret for marriages: You want to take 17:31 the dating experience way into the marriage. 17:34 Your brain got used to the idea of having a good time, 17:39 having fun... I mean when you guys fell in love 17:41 with each other, your brain got used to the romance 17:44 that was involved and then what happens? 17:46 You get married, the kids come along, there's no more romance, 17:51 and it looks very, very different to the brain. 17:53 And so I don't know if you guys know this, 17:56 but the decline that people talk about after they've 18:00 gotten married, the first 2 years are the roughest, 18:02 and so there's a decline in satisfaction 18:06 how you feel about the marriage. 18:08 It's what they call "marital satisfaction," 18:11 and that actually starts the day you come back from 18:14 the honeymoon. Exactly 18:16 And the reason is simple... 18:17 You're not having a good time anymore. 18:19 You're not doing the fun things anymore. 18:21 And so, we encourage our couples whenever we ask, 18:24 you know, meeting with our couples, we encourage them to 18:26 keep the fun in the relationship - even if you have 18:28 kids, you know, take them along, but don't stop dating. 18:31 Yeah, be intentional about it. Exactly. 18:34 Plan a date night and I know we all know that we should, 18:37 but so many of us never do it, right? 18:40 So you guys had to adapt a little to each other. 18:43 I understand you're from two different cultures. 18:45 Where are you from, Vania? 18:46 Yes, I'm originally from Curacao. 18:48 Curacao, I know where that is. 18:49 That's Southern Caribbean area, right? Yes 18:52 Close to Venezuela? Yes 18:54 Very close to Venezuela. Yeah? Uh huh 18:56 And what about you, Jeremiah 18:57 My family and I are from Haiti. You're from Haiti? 18:59 Although I grew up in the U.S. and spent all my early 19:02 childhood in Haiti, but my formative years in the U.S. 19:04 So kind of Haitian-American? Haitian-American. 19:07 Okay, so different cultures, right? 19:08 So you guys must have had to do a lot of adjusting 19:11 and adapting - tell me a little bit about that. 19:13 Yeah, I think the fact that we come from a different culture 19:17 plays a role, but also the fact that we come from different 19:21 family dynamics, you know, like I come from a 19:24 bigger family and we are a little bit more, I would say, 19:28 outgoing and louder and... Laughter 19:31 Yeah for me like my family, we're pretty much more 19:35 laid-back, more conservative, more private, 19:38 and so that was definitely something that we had to kind of 19:41 get used to with one another - was how to incorporate 19:44 that into what we were doing because that was totally 19:47 different from what I was exposed to. Yeah 19:48 So did you have to talk about it to come to a 19:50 consensus? So how did you do that? 19:52 Well, I'll be honest, like there were times where 19:54 I felt like, okay, this might be a little bit 19:56 more than I thought I bargained for, 19:58 but at the end of the day, I'm like, she's worth it. 20:01 She's everything I ever wanted. 20:02 For me, I need to just be able to try to understand 20:05 where the struggle is to be more empathetic to what 20:10 she needed and try to make sure that we were able to 20:12 come on the same page. 20:14 Yeah, I think for me, the most important thing is that 20:17 I know that when two people come together - 20:19 you're not the same, you know, like your different. 20:22 So it's about knowing that you're different 20:25 and accepting that and be realistic about it, 20:28 and then discuss about it until like, okay, 20:32 how do we want to approach this? Right 20:35 So I never had the illusion that things are going to be 20:39 exactly the same or perfect. 20:41 It's about being realistic for me and find a solution. Right 20:46 And in a loving way, what I truly believe. 20:49 In XY Theory, learning plays a big role and so someone's 20:55 ability to learn their other partner... 20:58 the other partner's needs, what they are like, 21:00 what their differences are is really paramount, 21:02 is really important to the relationship. 21:05 So have you guys noticed that you've learned a lot more about 21:09 each other in the last 2 years than what you thought 21:12 you knew before marriage? 21:14 Exactly, and I think you kind of hinted on that previously. 21:17 There is only so much that you can learn about someone 21:20 before you actually get into an environment 21:23 where you're with them pretty much the whole time, 21:25 and so for me and her, it was just like an eye-opener 21:28 like wow, you know, I had no idea... 21:30 but, you know, in a good way. Yeah 21:32 So I think the fun for me was knowing that there were still 21:36 things for me to discover and then through that discovery 21:39 we would only grow even more and be able to have 21:41 that much more of a connection if we could overcome those 21:45 things that were, you know, could have been like a 21:47 hole for us, but we were able to find a way to 21:50 understand each other. 21:51 Yeah, like in a way, it only got better... 21:53 like when you can, you know, when you're always 21:57 together, especially because we like to talk a lot, 22:00 we're constantly talking, we slow each other down. 22:03 It's like we're always talking, so in a way, it was like 22:06 really, really awesome to be able to share 22:10 every little thing together by being together the whole time. 22:14 And being two high communicators, 22:16 that is important, I mean it is important for bonding. 22:19 It's important for learning and definitely it's important 22:22 for conflict resolution. Um hm 22:25 I mean, how do you solve a problem that you can't 22:27 talk about? That's true. 22:29 That's the big question. Yeah 22:31 That's the big problem for a lot of couples. 22:32 It's almost always one person that doesn't 22:36 really want to talk about it, but how do you solve it? 22:38 Right, I think one of the things for us is there have been 22:42 times where she has had certain issues that she has brought up 22:45 that, you know, it's been a problem for her and I think my 22:47 job is to be available to listen to her to make sure 22:51 that I'm emotionally available. 22:53 And even though I may not have the full understanding of why 22:56 she may be doing something that I say, "Okay, well why 22:59 are you doing this?" I still have to be understanding 23:01 and I have to be available in supporting that 23:03 need that she has and so that's something that I 23:05 think she has actually helped me with is... 23:08 You don't need to necessarily know why I'm doing it, 23:10 but we don't have to agree. Yeah 23:11 I tell him - you don't need to agree with what I'm saying, 23:14 just, just listen, you know? 23:16 And I think when you truly listen to someone, 23:19 it's like a way of showing respect because everybody 23:23 is different - so you may not agree a lot of times, 23:26 but like, yeah. 23:28 You guys do naturally what a lot of folks have to be 23:32 taught how to do and that's absolutely true. 23:35 Their always trying to change the other person, 23:37 to change their mind, to change their point-of-view. 23:40 Maybe if I explain it a little longer, 23:43 maybe if I raise my voice a little louder, 23:45 she's going to get it and she's going to accept it, 23:48 and that's a fallacy. 23:49 So the fact that you guys are not even trying to do that, 23:52 that puts you miles ahead, that's really good. 23:55 So you kind of stumbled into the section that we call 23:57 "interactivity" which is how we interact with each other, 24:00 how we talk to each other. 24:02 So I'm going to go now to that section and I'm going to 24:05 give you some points and tell me what you think about this. 24:11 So you can either be gentle when you're communicating 24:14 or you can be blunt. 24:16 I have found that a lot of folks that I work with 24:19 are blunt without knowing that they are blunt, 24:23 and, of course, that's a problem. 24:26 Take a look... the 2nd, tolerant or intolerant? 24:32 You can either be tolerant or intolerant and the 24:34 problem with folks who are intolerant is that they 24:36 don't even realize that they're being intolerant. Um hm 24:39 If you have to raise your voice to get your partner 24:42 to realize that you're serious about something 24:44 so that she backs off and lets you have your way, 24:48 that's intolerance. Right 24:50 You know, and it's subtle, but it is intolerance. 24:53 "Sensitive or insensitive." 24:55 Now most of us try to be sensitive, but guess what? 25:01 You don't really know what someone's sensitivities are. 25:04 You don't really know sometimes when 25:06 you're hurting somebody's feelings, 25:07 when you're stepping on their toes, 25:09 you know, and so that's very important. 25:11 "Responsive or reactive." 25:14 So as a couple, you guys could choose to be either responsive 25:17 or you could choose to explode rather than respond calmly, 25:22 and it's a choice that you have to make every single day. 25:25 You could be empathetic or not. 25:27 You could try to put yourself in her shoes, 25:30 try to see if you understand how she feels without 25:33 trying to put in your own version of what you think 25:37 she is experiencing. 25:39 And then the biggest question is... 25:41 How do the interactions make you feel? 25:46 Even for young people who are 25:47 single, I tell them the same thing. 25:48 When they ask me, 25:50 "Dr. Jacob, do you think this person is right for me?" 25:51 Of course, the first thing I'll say is, "You need to take the 25:54 XY Personality Test, you need to know what your personality 25:58 type is so you'll know what you need, 26:00 but beyond that - how does the person that you're dating 26:05 make you feel - at the end of the day, 26:07 how do you feel about yourself?" 26:09 Same thing for you guys... After you have an interaction, 26:12 you could just do a self-check. 26:14 "How do I feel? Do I feel like I was just 26:17 put down? Do I feel like I was insulted? 26:21 Do I feel like he is being insensitive?" 26:24 You have to check yourself to see how he makes you feel. 26:26 It doesn't matter what Jeremiah's intention was. 26:30 What matters is how, what he did, left you feeling, 26:34 and if you're not feeling good about yourself, 26:36 then you need to let him know. Yes 26:38 My goal is to always try to make her feel heard and respected 26:41 because I know that that makes her feel very good about 26:44 the interaction, so that's what I always aim to do. Right 26:47 And I'm very in tune with my feelings, 26:49 so even if I don't want to feel, I feel... so... laughter. 26:54 I understand. And I would tell him, 26:55 so there is no way I wouldn't tell him. 26:58 And there's a spiritual application too... 27:00 Galatians 5:22 says that "We have to be mindful 27:07 to show the fruits of the spirit." 27:08 I mean, the reason why we know that we're connected to 27:11 Christ is that we have the fruits. Yes 27:14 So kindness and gentleness, those are two big fruits, 27:17 two important fruits, but they're so often 27:19 overlooked. Definitely! 27:21 You know whenever I have a couple like you, 27:24 it's occasional - it's an often occasional frequent thing that 27:28 they come to me and I could hardly get a word in edgewise 27:32 because they're screaming at each other - it happens. 27:34 And that's actually one of the things that I always 27:36 pride ourselves on doing is to make sure that we don't let 27:40 the sun set on our anger, you know. Excellent! 27:42 We believe that, we want to resolve it as 27:44 quickly as possible. Yeah 27:45 And just keep in mind, keep in mind that you have a 27:48 natural tone to your voice that might be a little 27:50 rougher than she likes and you need to keep that 27:53 regulated. Um hm 27:55 So again, I want to thank you for sharing as candidly as 27:59 you have and I'll see you next time. |
Revised 2017-05-22