Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host Dr. John Jacob
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Today we have with us
Miles, Bianca and Sean.
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Sean, you're new
to our program. Yes
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Welcome! Thank you.
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I don't know if the
others have told you,
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but you are going
to have to take a test
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when we get finished,
it's a personality test
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to let us know a little
bit about yourself. Okay
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But mostly, to let
you know what you like
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and what your needs
are in a relationship. Okay
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The answers will always
be "no." Laughter... Okay
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"No," you have to
answer honestly. Okay, sorry.
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... So we can get your
honest responses. No problem.
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Okay, today we are going
to talk about adaptability.
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You guys are all
single, am I right?
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Ah, yes sir. Okay.
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Such hesitance...
laughter Are you all right?
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I am! Are you, well...
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Very much so. You are? Okay. Yes
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All right, this is good.
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So we talk about adaptability
today because a lot of singles
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never pay attention to
whether or not they are looking
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for someone or finding someone
who can make the adjustments
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in a relationship
mostly because hormones rule.
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Hormones actually drive
the whole dating process.
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Hormones determine whether
or not you are going to be
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attracted to someone and
then determine how you will
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date them - like pre-engagement,
and those very hormones
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cause you to forget to look
for certain important details,
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things that might
come up in a marriage
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and cause some
problems... so adaptability
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is one of them...
now what does this mean?
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Adaptability simply means...
will you be able to adapt
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to the differences that you
will discover in your partner
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after you guys have
made that big commitment.
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So the commitment
sometimes is marriage,
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but at other times,
the commitment is just,
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"Well, you know, let's
date or let's be boyfriend
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and girlfriend,
let's be exclusive."
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Now if you waited that
long to find out whether or not
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this person could make
adjustments in the relationship,
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you've waited too long.
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Is there certain
things that you can do,
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like in the courting stage
or the courting-dating stage
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to see if that person
can be adaptable or is there
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certain like questions to
ask or certain, I guess, task or
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experiment that you can make so
you can see the process of it?
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Well there are several tests,
but that would be a little
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awkward.
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Well I mean, you
know... to bring it out.
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But I know what
you're saying, something that
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you can do naturally. Yeah
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Oh yeah, tons of things.
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You do a lot of things
like going out to restaurants.
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Going to eat...
now she may not want
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to eat a certain thing
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or she may not like
a certain restaurant.
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But the way she goes
about communicating that to you
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tells you if she's
flexible or not. Okay
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So if you mention it and
she just flies off the handle,
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she says, "Who uses
this?" Like, "What do you mean
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taking me to a restaurant
like this, I don't ever go to a
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restaurant like that."
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She's going to be
hungry then. Laughter
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You're going to
leave her out, right?
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I mean, you know.
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I know what you're saying,
I know what you're saying,
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but I'm saying you can use
natural everyday means like that
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to determine whether or
not she's adaptable. Okay
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Now, you may need to
change a date at some point,
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so you may say, "Well
let's go out on Saturday night,"
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and she agrees, 8
o'clock, Saturday night.
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Something comes up and
you need to make it 8:30...
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Now how does she react when
you say, "Something came up,
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and the time is changed?"
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Is she polite? Is
she cordial or, again,
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does she completely lose it?
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Does she get very annoyed?
Do you get some sort of an
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irritability in her voice?
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You know, is she
sarcastic just because
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you wanted to change the time?
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So these are some things
that you want to look for
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before you get
serious because once you get
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on the other side
of "I do," there's very
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chance of getting
those things changed.
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I have a question...
You know, during like in the
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beginning phases of, you
know, you're meeting somebody,
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and you want to go out
with them, you're dating them,
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you put on your best
behavior, so even if you're
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not necessarily an
adaptable person like, you know,
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normally you generally tend
to be a little bit different,
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and say, "Okay, 8:30 is fine,"
just because you really like
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the person and think of that.
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Well that is true and we
actually have a name for that...
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We call that,
"functional faking." Uh oh.
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So they're faking
because they're not naturally
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that open to change, but
they're faking it because
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they're really interested
in you and they want this
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to work out, but
here's the thing...
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What about the person
who won't even fake it?
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What about the person who
shows you ahead of time...
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But you still go through...
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And you still go on
Miles, you still go on.
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You still date, you still go on
a second date and a third date,
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and you've seen all along
that this person isn't even
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taking the time to do the,
little dance that everyone does
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prior to making a commitment,
then you know that you're in
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serious trouble after. Right
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Well I guess it's a good thing
that you can see that they're
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being real with themselves and
you can see it ahead of time.
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Yes, this is another reason
though, why I never encourage
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folks to make a
commitment like in 3 months.
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I've heard, well - I have
some friends that did that,
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where 3 months in to
the relationship they were
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already
proposing, well guess what?
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This stage, where you
can do the functional faking,
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by the way - it's a
hormonal thing, your hormones
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allow you to bring your date
representative, as they call it,
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and have this person
be very, very convincing.
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That phase lasts
about 3 months to 2 years,
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that's how long
someone can fake it.
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Now, I don't want you
to think about people as
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being malicious with the faking.
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We call it "functional
faking," but very often
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they don't realize
that they're faking it.
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Everybody realizes
that, "Okay, I'm intentionally
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going to deceive Bianca."
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That's not
necessarily the intent.
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Sometimes they're just trying
to put their best foot forward
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as you said and they won't
let you know, "Hey, I don't
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need this or I don't
go there, I don't do that,
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I don't like this."
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Most people tend not
to bring those things out
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when they're dating. Okay?
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So if it could take
about 2 years before they get
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tired of the act and
you propose in 3 months,
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you see what kind of
a dangerous situation
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you're putting
yourself in. Um hm
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Right, because you'll
be married maybe 6 months
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after that and you
have no idea who you have.
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So, here's the other thing...
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I know you guys want
to put your best foot
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forward, but guess what?
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The hormones that are swirling
during the dating process,
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the pre-engagement
process, the hormones are also
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responsible for
change, making change easy.
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So the time that you're
partner will find changing
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for you or changing for
the relationship to work
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the easiest - is the
time that you are least likely
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to bring things up, to
bring differences up. Okay
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So you see the differences
and you're like, "Oh no,
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I'm not going to
bring it up right now,
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I could always do that later."
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Well guess what?
Now is the time that
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you should bring it up because
the brother will be willing
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to make some changes right now,
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not after that ring
is on your finger. Okay
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So that's something to remember.
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Okay, "assimilating,"
who can tell me what
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assimilating is about?
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Become similar to come
like that other thing or person.
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So there's always a risk when
you're in a new relationship
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that you might lose yourself.
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Okay, you guys know
about XY Theory by now,
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so there are X-types
and there are Y-types.
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X- types tend to be the
ones that do most of the
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adapting the majority of times.
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There may be some
Y-types that do adapting,
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but usually the
X-types are the ones who adapt
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more easily, right? Yeah
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You're looking at a Y here.
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I know Bianca is our
resident Y. I've never met a Y.
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You never met a girl
that's a Y, right? Never.
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Yeah, see - they're
pretty and friendly and happy
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and sociable and,
you know, it's okay.
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This isn't about giving
up on someone because they
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have a different
type of personality.
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This is about finding
out what their needs are,
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their different needs are
so you can make an adjustment.
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So adaptability is all
about adjusting, can you adjust?
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And then, as we
mentioned, assimilating.
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So assimilating is your attempt
to become similar to the person,
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and the way you do that is you
find out about their interests,
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and you kind of try
to make their interests
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yours if possible.
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Now, you won't be able to
like everything that they like.
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Maybe Sean is into rock climbing
and you hate the idea of
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going up perpendicular
on a rock like that.
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You think it's dangerous
and you might even think it's
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silly or foolish.
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So you won't join him
with the rock climbing,
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at least you
won't be on the rock,
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but you could go with him.
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You could stand there and be
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supportive - you
know what I'm saying?
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You could begin to assimilate
some of his interests.
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People who choose
not to assimilate,
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often find themselves leading
parallel lives in marriage.
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The husband is going
his way, the wife is going
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her way and they only
get together for dinner,
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lunch, a function - if there's
a function that they need.
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Other than that, little
discussion, little communication
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and very little activities
that are shared. Okay?
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And then, there
is "accommodating."
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Now there's a
difference between accommodating
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and assimilating.
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Accommodating means, "I'm
not going to join you in that
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skydiving because
I fear for my life,
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but I will accommodate you,
I won't give you a hard time
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when you tell me that you
need to continue doing this
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because you used to do
this before you met me."
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Okay, I don't want
to confuse you guys.
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You guys look a little
confused, I'm throwing a lot of
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information at you and Sean,
00:10:01.76\00:10:04.07
you look like
you have a question.
00:10:04.10\00:10:05.43
Yes, what about
over assimilating?
00:10:05.47\00:10:08.30
Well okay,
that's a good question.
00:10:08.34\00:10:10.21
You can over assimilate.
00:10:10.24\00:10:12.11
Some people just assimilate
which means you take up
00:10:12.14\00:10:14.84
some of the
interests of your partner,
00:10:14.88\00:10:17.51
but some people over-assimilate
which means that they
00:10:17.55\00:10:20.22
pretty much give up
their entire lifestyle.
00:10:20.25\00:10:23.12
They give up their
friends, all of their friends.
00:10:23.15\00:10:24.82
They give up their
family members almost like
00:10:24.85\00:10:26.99
they disown them and they
give up all of their interests
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and took on the
interests of the partner,
00:10:29.96\00:10:32.03
but you don't want to
do that because you can't
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sustain that all
the way into a marriage.
00:10:33.73\00:10:36.70
There's going to come a time
when you're going to wake up
00:10:36.73\00:10:38.23
one day and you're going
to ask yourself, "Whom am I?"
00:10:38.27\00:10:40.67
Where's Sean?
Where did I leave him?
00:10:40.70\00:10:42.70
You know? Well you
left him way back then
00:10:42.74\00:10:44.77
when you made
that decision to do
00:10:44.81\00:10:46.37
whatever your
new partner wanted.
00:10:46.41\00:10:48.31
So be careful not to assimilate,
but here's the rub...
00:10:48.34\00:10:52.15
Y- types tend to not do that.
00:10:52.18\00:10:56.48
Bianca, that means that you're
saved right? Right? X- types.
00:10:56.52\00:11:01.02
X- types you endanger
all the time and the higher
00:11:01.06\00:11:03.83
an X you are, if you're
like a high X, moderate X,
00:11:03.86\00:11:06.86
extreme X, then you
are at risk for doing that.
00:11:06.90\00:11:09.86
Why? Because you
tend to be the adaptor,
00:11:09.90\00:11:12.17
you tend to be the
more adaptive one...
00:11:12.20\00:11:13.94
And, you know, there's a
thin line between very adaptive
00:11:13.97\00:11:16.97
and completely over-assimilating
00:11:17.01\00:11:19.37
and losing your
sense of identity.
00:11:19.41\00:11:21.34
Does that mean we can be easily
influenced into doing things?
00:11:21.38\00:11:24.05
Yes, that's a good
point, X- types tend to be
00:11:24.08\00:11:27.22
more trusting which
means... If someone says to you,
00:11:27.25\00:11:30.95
"I am going to come and
pick you up at a certain time,"
00:11:30.99\00:11:33.39
you believe him and when he
calls and says, "I had a flat
00:11:33.42\00:11:37.79
tire, I'm sorry, I'm not going
to be able to make the date,"
00:11:37.83\00:11:40.76
you believe that as well.
00:11:40.80\00:11:42.13
We found that X-types
tend to be more gullible,
00:11:42.16\00:11:44.53
and here's the
thing... X- types also have more
00:11:44.57\00:11:47.70
oxytocin and when you read
the literature on oxytocin,
00:11:47.74\00:11:50.97
it says, "Oxytocin produces
trust and a lot of oxytocin
00:11:51.01\00:11:56.28
causes gullibility.
00:11:56.31\00:11:58.31
So that's a good question.
00:11:58.35\00:11:59.78
So you don't want
to be too gullible.
00:11:59.81\00:12:01.15
If you know you're
an X, you always have to
00:12:01.18\00:12:02.72
ask yourself - "Am I being too
easy here, should I be asking
00:12:02.75\00:12:06.96
some other questions,
am I being too trusting?"
00:12:06.99\00:12:09.46
And so your
personality allows you to know
00:12:09.49\00:12:11.99
how to tweak your dating
so that you could be more
00:12:12.03\00:12:14.86
protective of
yourself and your heart. Okay
00:12:14.90\00:12:17.20
Does that make sense? Yeah
00:12:17.23\00:12:18.90
Okay, so what else are
you going to look out for?
00:12:18.93\00:12:20.94
You going to look out for
someone who has low tolerance.
00:12:20.97\00:12:24.04
Tolerance is very,
very important. Why?
00:12:24.07\00:12:26.64
Because we are all different,
very different from each other
00:12:26.68\00:12:30.01
which means - if you do things
differently because you were
00:12:30.05\00:12:32.85
raised in a family
where it was done that way,
00:12:32.88\00:12:35.05
and I am intolerant
then for the next 20 years.
00:12:35.08\00:12:38.35
I am complaining to you
about how you do things,
00:12:38.39\00:12:41.12
trying to get you to
adjust what you do so that it
00:12:41.16\00:12:44.73
matches what I do.
00:12:44.76\00:12:46.43
Now someone that
has a lot of tolerance,
00:12:46.46\00:12:48.53
they will say to themselves,
"So what if Sean makes
00:12:48.56\00:12:53.03
his tea with bags first
and then sugar later and then
00:12:53.07\00:12:58.97
the hot water and it
seems like it's out of order,
00:12:59.01\00:13:01.08
and we should do
it in a different way,
00:13:01.11\00:13:02.44
you say, "Oh forget
it, I'm not going to sweat
00:13:02.48\00:13:03.95
the small stuff,"
because you're tolerant,
00:13:03.98\00:13:05.68
but tolerance is something
00:13:05.71\00:13:07.05
that you could detect
before you get too deep into a
00:13:07.08\00:13:09.72
relationship. Okay
00:13:09.75\00:13:11.15
So you guys want
somebody that's tolerant, right?
00:13:11.19\00:13:13.05
Correct, is that more of
an X or a Y or it just kind of
00:13:13.09\00:13:15.72
depends on your upbringing.
00:13:15.79\00:13:17.13
Yeah, it depends a
lot on your upbringing?
00:13:17.16\00:13:19.16
Some people were raised in homes
where there wasn't a lot of
00:13:19.19\00:13:21.60
tolerance, you know,
parents were very strict...
00:13:21.63\00:13:23.57
we call them authoritarian
parents and if that's
00:13:23.60\00:13:26.97
what you're used to,
you tend to very often
00:13:27.00\00:13:29.70
become that way - so
that's a good question.
00:13:29.74\00:13:31.94
That's more
character than personality...
00:13:31.97\00:13:34.88
No, I would say it's more
personality than character.
00:13:34.91\00:13:37.21
I mean, it could
be... yeah, go ahead...
00:13:37.25\00:13:38.91
No, I was going to say
because upbringing would,
00:13:38.95\00:13:41.12
I guess it would
determine more character?
00:13:41.15\00:13:43.82
Well, remember upbringing
has different elements. Okay
00:13:43.85\00:13:45.92
And part of upbringing is
to make sure that you raise
00:13:45.95\00:13:48.42
moral, you know, children,
ethical children part of it,
00:13:48.46\00:13:53.03
but it doesn't
have to be character,
00:13:53.06\00:13:54.86
it could be personality.
00:13:54.90\00:13:56.23
So Sean, that's a
really good question.
00:13:56.26\00:13:58.47
As you can tell,
it's a complicated one.
00:13:58.50\00:14:01.50
Your family does contribute
greatly to your morality
00:14:01.54\00:14:05.94
and that's very important,
but they also contribute
00:14:05.97\00:14:09.41
to your personality who
you develop as a person,
00:14:09.44\00:14:12.28
and that is what we're
referring to in this segment.
00:14:12.31\00:14:16.22
But there's one other
thing I wanted to share with you
00:14:16.25\00:14:18.22
guys and it has
to do with "speed."
00:14:18.25\00:14:22.09
What we found is...
When someone is interested
00:14:22.12\00:14:24.79
in you and you notice
that they're going "too fast,"
00:14:24.83\00:14:28.36
everything is going fast,
like they're running out of
00:14:28.40\00:14:31.13
time - like they have to
catch up fast, it's almost
00:14:31.17\00:14:34.27
like you're speed-dating,
but they're moving things
00:14:34.30\00:14:36.54
along too fast.
00:14:36.57\00:14:37.91
Usually there is a problem and
you need to be aware of that.
00:14:37.94\00:14:42.64
And the same rule
goes for "too slow."
00:14:42.68\00:14:44.71
They're going too slow,
they never have time to see you.
00:14:44.75\00:14:48.95
They never have time to
talk and they just are willing
00:14:48.98\00:14:52.95
to drag things out for
year, after year, after year.
00:14:52.99\00:14:56.29
It's also a problem,
so relationships need
00:14:56.32\00:14:59.19
to be well-paced and
if the person that you're
00:14:59.23\00:15:01.26
interested in has a
problem with "pace,"
00:15:01.30\00:15:03.87
then you need to
reconsider your options.
00:15:03.90\00:15:07.17
Could you talk about
it, or like say, "Hey look,
00:15:07.20\00:15:10.01
what's going on, like why
are things moving so slow,
00:15:10.04\00:15:13.24
or should you
just kind of move on?
00:15:13.27\00:15:15.01
Well you'll want to talk
about it, I mean, they may have
00:15:15.04\00:15:16.68
some valid legitimate
reasons and you'll want
00:15:16.71\00:15:18.85
to find out t
what those are, right?
00:15:18.88\00:15:20.22
So you ask them, but if you're
not satisfied with the reasons,
00:15:20.25\00:15:23.08
or after you've dealt
with it, it's still a problem,
00:15:23.12\00:15:25.95
you know,
month-in, as you go on.
00:15:25.99\00:15:28.32
You might just want to say,
"Hey, I'm not real comfortable
00:15:28.36\00:15:31.86
with this, let's just be
friends and then you move on.
00:15:31.89\00:15:35.60
How about, I mean, okay
so I know there are some rare
00:15:35.63\00:15:38.73
situations and so maybe we
shouldn't take those exceptions,
00:15:38.77\00:15:45.94
we should never make
those exceptions as a rule, but
00:15:45.97\00:15:48.64
still like, how do you
know when those exceptions are
00:15:48.68\00:15:51.38
okay, like as far
as speed because I know
00:15:51.41\00:15:54.08
some people where
they have been married for
00:15:54.12\00:15:56.42
decades and decades and
they knew, according to them,
00:15:56.45\00:16:00.89
that, you know, "This is
the person I'm going to marry,
00:16:00.92\00:16:03.89
this is the
direction we're going,
00:16:03.93\00:16:05.36
I already know
what I want, why wait?"
00:16:05.39\00:16:08.33
And that's how some
people are about it...
00:16:08.36\00:16:10.93
Like how do you know when
that's okay and when that is
00:16:10.97\00:16:15.10
like a dangerous situation?
00:16:15.14\00:16:16.50
Well remember what
we talked about with the
00:16:16.54\00:16:17.87
3 months to 2 years?
00:16:17.91\00:16:20.38
Okay, someone that wants
to propose to you in 3 months,
00:16:20.41\00:16:23.71
that's not a good exception.
00:16:23.75\00:16:26.28
Something is wrong, we
found that a lot of people
00:16:26.31\00:16:28.48
who have problems
with relationships try
00:16:28.52\00:16:30.25
to speed things
up so that you don't
00:16:30.29\00:16:32.32
find out that
they have problems,
00:16:32.35\00:16:34.32
and that, you don't
want to happen. Okay?
00:16:35.06\00:16:39.33
I want to thank you
guys for coming on today,
00:16:39.36\00:16:42.33
and I'll see you next
time! Thank you sir, thank you.
00:16:42.36\00:16:45.53
Hello and welcome
back to "Road to Romance"
00:16:54.24\00:16:57.01
We are joined again
by Vania and Jeremiah.
00:16:57.05\00:16:59.45
Welcome! Thanks for
having us! Happy to be back!
00:16:59.48\00:17:02.35
So today, I thought we
could talk about two aspects
00:17:02.38\00:17:05.22
of relationship - "adaptability"
and something we call
00:17:05.25\00:17:08.26
"interactivity" which is how
you interact with each other.
00:17:08.29\00:17:11.73
So let's talk about "adapting."
00:17:11.76\00:17:15.03
You guys have been
married for how long?
00:17:15.06\00:17:17.20
About 2-1/2 years.
00:17:17.23\00:17:18.63
Two-and-a-half
years, so does it feel like
00:17:18.67\00:17:20.40
you're still dating or...
00:17:20.44\00:17:21.80
Very much so. Yes!
00:17:21.84\00:17:23.17
We try to make it a
point to still date each other.
00:17:23.20\00:17:25.74
And you look like
you are actually. Yes
00:17:25.77\00:17:28.28
This is a secret for
marriages: You want to take
00:17:28.31\00:17:31.31
the dating experience
way into the marriage.
00:17:31.35\00:17:34.18
Your brain got used to the
idea of having a good time,
00:17:34.22\00:17:39.49
having fun... I mean
when you guys fell in love
00:17:39.52\00:17:41.59
with each other, your
brain got used to the romance
00:17:41.62\00:17:44.76
that was involved
and then what happens?
00:17:44.79\00:17:46.59
You get married, the kids come
along, there's no more romance,
00:17:46.63\00:17:51.17
and it looks very,
very different to the brain.
00:17:51.20\00:17:53.84
And so I don't know
if you guys know this,
00:17:53.87\00:17:56.57
but the decline that
people talk about after they've
00:17:56.60\00:18:00.38
gotten married, the
first 2 years are the roughest,
00:18:00.41\00:18:02.91
and so there's a
decline in satisfaction
00:18:02.94\00:18:06.11
how you feel about the marriage.
00:18:06.15\00:18:08.45
It's what they call
"marital satisfaction,"
00:18:08.48\00:18:11.12
and that actually starts
the day you come back from
00:18:11.15\00:18:14.02
the honeymoon. Exactly
00:18:14.06\00:18:16.09
And the reason is simple...
00:18:16.12\00:18:17.79
You're not having
a good time anymore.
00:18:17.83\00:18:19.16
You're not doing
the fun things anymore.
00:18:19.19\00:18:21.06
And so, we encourage
our couples whenever we ask,
00:18:21.10\00:18:24.20
you know, meeting with our
couples, we encourage them to
00:18:24.23\00:18:26.13
keep the fun in the
relationship - even if you have
00:18:26.17\00:18:28.70
kids, you know, take them
along, but don't stop dating.
00:18:28.74\00:18:31.64
Yeah, be
intentional about it. Exactly.
00:18:31.67\00:18:34.04
Plan a date night and I
know we all know that we should,
00:18:34.08\00:18:37.68
but so many of us
never do it, right?
00:18:37.71\00:18:40.72
So you guys had to
adapt a little to each other.
00:18:40.75\00:18:43.52
I understand you're
from two different cultures.
00:18:43.55\00:18:45.49
Where are you from, Vania?
00:18:45.52\00:18:46.86
Yes, I'm
originally from Curacao.
00:18:46.89\00:18:48.46
Curacao, I know where that is.
00:18:48.49\00:18:49.82
That's Southern
Caribbean area, right? Yes
00:18:49.86\00:18:52.89
Close to Venezuela? Yes
00:18:52.93\00:18:54.30
Very close to
Venezuela. Yeah? Uh huh
00:18:54.33\00:18:56.10
And what about you, Jeremiah
00:18:56.13\00:18:57.47
My family and I are from
Haiti. You're from Haiti?
00:18:57.50\00:18:59.67
Although I grew up in the
U.S. and spent all my early
00:18:59.73\00:19:02.04
childhood in Haiti, but my
formative years in the U.S.
00:19:02.07\00:19:04.84
So kind of Haitian-American?
Haitian-American.
00:19:04.87\00:19:06.98
Okay, so
different cultures, right?
00:19:07.01\00:19:08.81
So you guys must have
had to do a lot of adjusting
00:19:08.84\00:19:11.85
and adapting - tell me
a little bit about that.
00:19:11.88\00:19:13.48
Yeah, I think the fact that
we come from a different culture
00:19:13.52\00:19:17.29
plays a role, but also the
fact that we come from different
00:19:17.32\00:19:21.16
family dynamics, you
know, like I come from a
00:19:21.19\00:19:24.09
bigger family and we are a
little bit more, I would say,
00:19:24.13\00:19:28.20
outgoing and
louder and... Laughter
00:19:28.23\00:19:31.60
Yeah for me like my
family, we're pretty much more
00:19:31.63\00:19:35.87
laid-back, more
conservative, more private,
00:19:35.90\00:19:38.47
and so that was definitely
something that we had to kind of
00:19:38.54\00:19:41.31
get used to with one
another - was how to incorporate
00:19:41.34\00:19:44.25
that into what we were
doing because that was totally
00:19:44.28\00:19:47.15
different from what
I was exposed to. Yeah
00:19:47.18\00:19:48.75
So did you have to
talk about it to come to a
00:19:48.78\00:19:50.82
consensus? So
how did you do that?
00:19:50.85\00:19:52.32
Well, I'll be honest,
like there were times where
00:19:52.35\00:19:54.79
I felt like, okay,
this might be a little bit
00:19:54.82\00:19:56.73
more than I
thought I bargained for,
00:19:56.76\00:19:58.59
but at the end of the
day, I'm like, she's worth it.
00:19:58.63\00:20:01.16
She's everything I ever wanted.
00:20:01.20\00:20:02.53
For me, I need to just
be able to try to understand
00:20:02.56\00:20:05.83
where the struggle is to
be more empathetic to what
00:20:05.87\00:20:10.37
she needed and try to
make sure that we were able to
00:20:10.41\00:20:12.41
come on the same page.
00:20:12.44\00:20:14.01
Yeah, I think for me, the
most important thing is that
00:20:14.04\00:20:17.25
I know that when two
people come together -
00:20:17.28\00:20:19.65
you're not the same, you
know, like your different.
00:20:19.68\00:20:22.02
So it's about
knowing that you're different
00:20:22.05\00:20:25.79
and accepting that
and be realistic about it,
00:20:25.82\00:20:28.82
and then discuss
about it until like, okay,
00:20:28.86\00:20:32.69
how do we want to
approach this? Right
00:20:32.73\00:20:35.83
So I never had the illusion
that things are going to be
00:20:35.86\00:20:39.80
exactly the same or perfect.
00:20:39.83\00:20:41.44
It's about being realistic for
me and find a solution. Right
00:20:41.47\00:20:46.34
And in a loving way,
what I truly believe.
00:20:46.37\00:20:49.74
In XY Theory, learning plays
a big role and so someone's
00:20:49.78\00:20:55.08
ability to learn
their other partner...
00:20:55.12\00:20:58.02
the other partner's
needs, what they are like,
00:20:58.05\00:21:00.49
what their differences
are is really paramount,
00:21:00.52\00:21:02.86
is really important
to the relationship.
00:21:02.89\00:21:05.23
So have you guys noticed that
you've learned a lot more about
00:21:05.26\00:21:09.43
each other in the last 2
years than what you thought
00:21:09.46\00:21:12.40
you knew before marriage?
00:21:12.43\00:21:14.50
Exactly, and I think you kind
of hinted on that previously.
00:21:14.54\00:21:17.81
There is only so much that
you can learn about someone
00:21:17.84\00:21:20.34
before you actually
get into an environment
00:21:20.38\00:21:23.14
where you're with them
pretty much the whole time,
00:21:23.18\00:21:25.31
and so for me and her, it
was just like an eye-opener
00:21:25.35\00:21:28.65
like wow, you
know, I had no idea...
00:21:28.68\00:21:30.42
but, you know,
in a good way. Yeah
00:21:30.45\00:21:32.12
So I think the fun for me was
knowing that there were still
00:21:32.15\00:21:36.76
things for me to discover
and then through that discovery
00:21:36.79\00:21:39.29
we would only grow even
more and be able to have
00:21:39.33\00:21:41.93
that much more of a connection
if we could overcome those
00:21:41.96\00:21:45.03
things that were, you
know, could have been like a
00:21:45.07\00:21:47.77
hole for us, but we
were able to find a way to
00:21:47.80\00:21:50.21
understand each other.
00:21:50.24\00:21:51.57
Yeah, like in a way,
it only got better...
00:21:51.61\00:21:53.81
like when you can, you
know, when you're always
00:21:53.84\00:21:57.88
together, especially
because we like to talk a lot,
00:21:57.91\00:22:00.15
we're constantly talking,
we slow each other down.
00:22:00.18\00:22:03.75
It's like we're always talking,
so in a way, it was like
00:22:03.79\00:22:06.96
really, really
awesome to be able to share
00:22:06.99\00:22:10.56
every little thing together by
being together the whole time.
00:22:10.59\00:22:13.53
And being two
high communicators,
00:22:14.73\00:22:16.93
that is important, I mean
it is important for bonding.
00:22:16.97\00:22:19.90
It's important for learning
and definitely it's important
00:22:19.93\00:22:22.84
for conflict resolution. Um hm
00:22:22.87\00:22:25.21
I mean, how do you
solve a problem that you can't
00:22:25.24\00:22:27.64
talk about? That's true.
00:22:27.68\00:22:29.24
That's the big question. Yeah
00:22:29.28\00:22:30.98
That's the big
problem for a lot of couples.
00:22:31.01\00:22:32.91
It's almost always
one person that doesn't
00:22:32.95\00:22:36.05
really want to talk about
it, but how do you solve it?
00:22:36.08\00:22:38.82
Right, I think one of the
things for us is there have been
00:22:38.85\00:22:42.92
times where she has had certain
issues that she has brought up
00:22:42.96\00:22:45.69
that, you know, it's been a
problem for her and I think my
00:22:45.73\00:22:47.93
job is to be available to
listen to her to make sure
00:22:47.96\00:22:51.03
that I'm emotionally available.
00:22:51.07\00:22:53.30
And even though I may not have
the full understanding of why
00:22:53.34\00:22:56.40
she may be doing something
that I say, "Okay, well why
00:22:56.44\00:22:59.17
are you doing this?" I
still have to be understanding
00:22:59.21\00:23:01.68
and I have to be
available in supporting that
00:23:01.71\00:23:03.65
need that she has and
so that's something that I
00:23:03.68\00:23:05.65
think she has
actually helped me with is...
00:23:05.68\00:23:08.08
You don't need to necessarily
know why I'm doing it,
00:23:08.12\00:23:10.02
but we don't have to agree. Yeah
00:23:10.05\00:23:11.39
I tell him - you don't need
to agree with what I'm saying,
00:23:11.42\00:23:14.29
just, just listen, you know?
00:23:14.32\00:23:16.66
And I think when you
truly listen to someone,
00:23:16.69\00:23:19.89
it's like a way of showing
respect because everybody
00:23:19.93\00:23:23.60
is different - so you
may not agree a lot of times,
00:23:23.63\00:23:26.53
but like, yeah.
00:23:26.57\00:23:28.54
You guys do naturally
what a lot of folks have to be
00:23:28.57\00:23:31.97
taught how to do and
that's absolutely true.
00:23:32.01\00:23:35.18
Their always trying to
change the other person,
00:23:35.21\00:23:37.61
to change their mind, to
change their point-of-view.
00:23:37.65\00:23:40.28
Maybe if I explain
it a little longer,
00:23:40.32\00:23:43.15
maybe if I raise my
voice a little louder,
00:23:43.18\00:23:45.75
she's going to get it
and she's going to accept it,
00:23:45.79\00:23:48.46
and that's a fallacy.
00:23:48.49\00:23:49.92
So the fact that you guys
are not even trying to do that,
00:23:49.96\00:23:52.19
that puts you miles
ahead, that's really good.
00:23:52.23\00:23:55.00
So you kind of stumbled
into the section that we call
00:23:55.03\00:23:57.43
"interactivity" which is
how we interact with each other,
00:23:57.47\00:24:00.27
how we talk to each other.
00:24:00.30\00:24:02.84
So I'm going to go now to
that section and I'm going to
00:24:02.87\00:24:05.57
give you some points and tell
me what you think about this.
00:24:05.61\00:24:11.38
So you can either be
gentle when you're communicating
00:24:11.41\00:24:14.68
or you can be blunt.
00:24:14.72\00:24:16.05
I have found that a lot
of folks that I work with
00:24:16.89\00:24:19.05
are blunt without
knowing that they are blunt,
00:24:19.09\00:24:23.39
and, of course,
that's a problem.
00:24:23.43\00:24:26.06
Take a look... the
2nd, tolerant or intolerant?
00:24:26.09\00:24:32.37
You can either be
tolerant or intolerant and the
00:24:32.40\00:24:34.37
problem with folks who
are intolerant is that they
00:24:34.40\00:24:36.24
don't even realize that
they're being intolerant. Um hm
00:24:36.27\00:24:39.11
If you have to raise
your voice to get your partner
00:24:39.14\00:24:42.94
to realize that you're
serious about something
00:24:42.98\00:24:44.81
so that she backs off
and lets you have your way,
00:24:44.85\00:24:48.65
that's intolerance. Right
00:24:48.68\00:24:50.69
You know, and it's
subtle, but it is intolerance.
00:24:50.72\00:24:53.79
"Sensitive or insensitive."
00:24:53.82\00:24:55.62
Now most of us try to be
sensitive, but guess what?
00:24:55.66\00:25:01.13
You don't really know what
someone's sensitivities are.
00:25:01.16\00:25:04.73
You don't really
know sometimes when
00:25:04.77\00:25:06.10
you're hurting
somebody's feelings,
00:25:06.13\00:25:07.47
when you're
stepping on their toes,
00:25:07.50\00:25:09.17
you know, and so
that's very important.
00:25:09.20\00:25:11.84
"Responsive or reactive."
00:25:11.87\00:25:14.51
So as a couple, you guys could
choose to be either responsive
00:25:14.54\00:25:17.45
or you could choose to explode
rather than respond calmly,
00:25:17.48\00:25:22.58
and it's a choice that you
have to make every single day.
00:25:22.62\00:25:25.45
You could be empathetic or not.
00:25:25.49\00:25:27.72
You could try to put
yourself in her shoes,
00:25:27.76\00:25:30.43
try to see if you
understand how she feels without
00:25:30.46\00:25:33.19
trying to put in your
own version of what you think
00:25:33.23\00:25:37.33
she is experiencing.
00:25:37.37\00:25:39.23
And then the
biggest question is...
00:25:39.27\00:25:41.50
How do the
interactions make you feel?
00:25:41.54\00:25:46.07
Even for young people who are
00:25:46.11\00:25:47.51
single, I tell
them the same thing.
00:25:47.54\00:25:48.88
When they ask me,
00:25:48.91\00:25:50.25
"Dr. Jacob, do you think
this person is right for me?"
00:25:50.28\00:25:51.88
Of course, the first thing I'll
say is, "You need to take the
00:25:51.91\00:25:54.95
XY Personality Test, you need
to know what your personality
00:25:54.98\00:25:58.02
type is so you'll
know what you need,
00:25:58.05\00:25:59.65
but beyond that - how does
the person that you're dating
00:26:00.36\00:26:05.09
make you feel - at
the end of the day,
00:26:05.13\00:26:07.46
how do you feel about yourself?"
00:26:07.50\00:26:09.33
Same thing for you guys...
After you have an interaction,
00:26:09.36\00:26:12.33
you could just do a self-check.
00:26:12.37\00:26:14.04
"How do I feel? Do
I feel like I was just
00:26:14.07\00:26:17.94
put down? Do I feel
like I was insulted?
00:26:17.97\00:26:21.94
Do I feel like he
is being insensitive?"
00:26:21.98\00:26:24.35
You have to check yourself
to see how he makes you feel.
00:26:24.38\00:26:26.85
It doesn't matter what
Jeremiah's intention was.
00:26:26.88\00:26:30.55
What matters is how,
what he did, left you feeling,
00:26:30.59\00:26:34.62
and if you're not
feeling good about yourself,
00:26:34.66\00:26:36.93
then you need to
let him know. Yes
00:26:36.96\00:26:38.53
My goal is to always try to make
her feel heard and respected
00:26:38.56\00:26:41.80
because I know that that
makes her feel very good about
00:26:41.83\00:26:44.77
the interaction, so that's
what I always aim to do. Right
00:26:44.80\00:26:47.70
And I'm very in
tune with my feelings,
00:26:47.74\00:26:49.20
so even if I don't want to
feel, I feel... so... laughter.
00:26:49.24\00:26:54.41
I understand.
And I would tell him,
00:26:54.44\00:26:55.78
so there is no way
I wouldn't tell him.
00:26:55.81\00:26:58.05
And there's a
spiritual application too...
00:26:58.08\00:27:00.52
Galatians 5:22 says
that "We have to be mindful
00:27:00.55\00:27:06.99
to show the
fruits of the spirit."
00:27:07.02\00:27:08.36
I mean, the reason why we
know that we're connected to
00:27:08.39\00:27:11.23
Christ is that we
have the fruits. Yes
00:27:11.26\00:27:13.96
So kindness and gentleness,
those are two big fruits,
00:27:14.00\00:27:17.57
two important
fruits, but they're so often
00:27:17.60\00:27:19.93
overlooked. Definitely!
00:27:19.97\00:27:21.60
You know whenever I
have a couple like you,
00:27:21.64\00:27:24.01
it's occasional - it's an often
occasional frequent thing that
00:27:24.04\00:27:28.54
they come to me and I could
hardly get a word in edgewise
00:27:28.58\00:27:32.45
because they're screaming
at each other - it happens.
00:27:32.48\00:27:34.05
And that's actually one
of the things that I always
00:27:34.08\00:27:36.89
pride ourselves on doing is
to make sure that we don't let
00:27:36.92\00:27:40.09
the sun set on our
anger, you know. Excellent!
00:27:40.12\00:27:42.22
We believe that, we
want to resolve it as
00:27:42.26\00:27:43.99
quickly as possible. Yeah
00:27:44.03\00:27:45.39
And just keep in mind,
keep in mind that you have a
00:27:45.43\00:27:48.03
natural tone to your
voice that might be a little
00:27:48.06\00:27:50.37
rougher than she likes
and you need to keep that
00:27:50.40\00:27:53.34
regulated. Um hm
00:27:53.37\00:27:55.27
So again, I want to thank
you for sharing as candidly as
00:27:55.30\00:27:59.51
you have and I'll
see you next time.
00:27:59.54\00:28:02.94