Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob
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Today, we have with us
Yvette, Miles and Bianca.
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Welcome! Good to be back!
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Have you guys gotten
over your test results?
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I went with them pretty well.
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I had to do some
internal thought process,
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but I'm okay now.
Digested it and accepted it?
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Yeah, I'm on the road. Yeah?
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Shared it with family, friends?
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Family and friends, so
we're good to go. Yeah? Um hm
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So what I'd like to do
today is I'd like to delve
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a little bit into
communication and intimacy,
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that's what we started
with, but I'd like to show you
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guys what
specifically needs to be changed
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as you venture out
there in search of love.
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I thought I'd be more
specific so that you know
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exactly what you need to tweak
to make a success of this Miles.
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Sounds good! Yeah?
Single me out! Okay
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Take a look.
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As you can see,
even communication
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is controlled by hormones.
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A lot of communication,
if you need a lot,
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produces oxytocin.
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So there's a reason why
when you find yourself with a
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non-communicator and you
like or need communication,
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they can easily be irritated
because there's a deficit
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in that hormone flow.
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So what happens if,
let's say you have two people
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who are Ys in the
communication department,
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does that work well because,
you know, they seems like
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they might be quiet,
whatever, is that like a
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negative thing that
they're both the same
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or how does that work?
Oh, it works very well.
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Two Ys - it really means
that neither of them rely
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on communication for
oxytocin which leads to bonding.
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So if you have ever been in
a restaurant and you've seen
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two people and one
is happy and one is sad,
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and there's no conversation,
you could probably guess
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it's an XY couple. Okay
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Whereas if you saw two couples
in a restaurant and I'm sure
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we've all seen it,
they're sitting there and from
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the first order of their
appetizers all the way to the
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check, no one is talking, but
they look like they're in bliss,
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that is a YY couple and they're
fine. Okay. They're fine.
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You know, it's not a story
about a couple, but it's just
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two people who are Ys,
like my dad and I definitely
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is it's just us at
home, we're hanging out,
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we don't have to talk or
anything, we enjoy talking,
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and we get into lots of
really good conversations,
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but we don't have to, and
we get along great that way,
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and it's fine
when we don't talk.
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So remember the old
model with communication,
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the old model says
it's how you communicate.
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The new model and all of
the research that we've done,
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took us about 5 years - it's
showing that it's the amount
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of communication and
just think of it in terms of
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like a glass that you're
filling or leaving unfilled,
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oxytocin is what you're pouring
into it, but the only way
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to get that oxytocin
in... is to communicate
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with your partner,
but what if you don't have
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the words - what if
you don't have the need for
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communication?
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So here's a statistic...
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I have a question
before you move on... Sure.
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Is it possible for two
moderate Xs to not to dine out
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at that restaurant and they're
not really communicating?
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If two moderates are at a
restaurant and they're not
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communicating at all, it
could be a couple of things.
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It could be their
moderate behavior.
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So in other words, they're
moderate, they're not high,
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and it's okay or
there could be a problem.
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Could be they're
hungry too. Laughter!
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They just want something to eat!
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They want to get
some food! Laughter!
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You know, you're right,
they may just be hungry. Um hm
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Or they may have a
personality difference, Miles.
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Yeah, true. Yeah
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So let's look at communication.
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So 7,000 words
compared to 20,000 words...
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Who do you think is the
X, and who do you think is
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the Y-type personality?
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The man is the Y.
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The 20,000 words
must be the X. Yes
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The 20,000 words is the X
and the 7,000 words is the Y.
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Correct. So here's
the thing though...
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This is like a reservoir...
If you have 7,000 words
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and you use them,
all of your words during
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the day and then you get home
to a wife or a husband who has
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been with the kids all
day, starving for intelligent,
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mature conversation, he
or she greets you at the door
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and your 7,000
words - you're in deficit.
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You've used
7,000, you've used 8,000.
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Do you think you would
want to engage instantly,
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immediately? No. No.
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You will not and this
happens almost every day
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to millions of couples
in America... Millions!
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So are you saying millions
of couples are X and Y together?
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Eighty-five percent of
all that have tested so far.
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Interesting!
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Why do you think people
come together as X and Ys
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if a lot of people
being... Opposites attract.
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They're attracted to each other
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because they want what
the other person doesn't have
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or so they think. Okay
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But why would not
the X be able to adapt,
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like after you've been
married to someone for a while
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or even having dated that
person and you sort of like
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understand his
or her personality,
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why would you not
be able to adjust?
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Like the person gets home
from work and you know he has
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used up 7,000 words,
why can't you not like
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back off for a bit,
give him his or her space.
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When you took your
test, do you remember your
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adaptability score?
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Probably may have been high.
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High? Which means that this is
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the reason why you
are asking this question.
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Because you are
naturally adaptable.
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It seems ludicrous
to you that anybody
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wouldn't be able to
do this, but what if your
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adaptability is low?
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You would spend years
trying to fix that one thing.
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So, yes, adaptability is
important and if you know
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you have a low
adaptability, then guess what?
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Then it's more important
for you to find someone who
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matches you with
communication and intimacy
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because those
are like two pillars,
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they are very, very,
very hard to adjust for
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or to compensate for.
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Right? So 20,000
words, 7,000 words.
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Let's find out what
you could do to control
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or to change that,
tweak it just slightly
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so that you guys
could, you know, be more
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successful with dating. Right?
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Indistinguishable chatter...
with the right person. Yeah
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I'm going to tell you
what some of the specifics are.
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They're like 15 different traits
that come under communication,
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but I'm only going to cover
six in the interest of time,
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and then the others, you know,
we can talk about at any time.
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So here's the first
one... Controlling the quantity
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of your communication.
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It is a known fact that
X-types tend to talk a lot
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more than Y-types.
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In fact, we have it
so down to a science
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that if you were to ask
someone for their phone,
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and you looked at
their texting record,
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you can tell without another
question whether they are
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X- types or
Y-types, it has never failed.
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Long essays
instead of texts, X- type,
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short sentences, sometimes
preferably words like okay,
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or K, Y-types
and they would put K.
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You can ask an
open-ended question...
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"Do you want to go
to lunch at 7 tonight
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or do you want to go
to lunch closer to 9?"
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And you will
get an "Okay." Right
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Well you can't answer
"Okay" to a question like that.
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It would have
to be 7 or 9. Right
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But the Y-type, there's
such an economy on words,
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that they just can't
muster the extra few words
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so that there
is clarity for you.
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Unless there is
adaptability there.
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Unless, of course, there
is some adaptability. Yeah
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So what do you have to do as
the X-type if you're an X-type?
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Guess what? You
have to reduce your
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communication so that
you are closer to them,
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especially if you are
the adaptable one. Okay
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There's always one person in
a relationship that is doing the
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heavy lifting.
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There's always one person
that is more responsible for the
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success and
maintenance of the relationship
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than the other person and that
person is usually the X-type.
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That person is also usually the
person that is more adaptable.
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However, if that person couldn't
get their partner to meet them
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halfway,
somewhere down the road,
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they begin to become tired
of having to be the only one
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maintaining this
difficult imbalance.
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Does that make
sense? Yeah. Yeah.
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I do have a question... Sure.
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Would you then say that, and
you probably said it earlier,
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that an X and a Y
should not have a relationship?
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Okay, I don't want to say that.
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What I want to say is
this... If you're an X,
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and you're in love with a
Y... say you guys are already
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a couple or you
guys are already married,
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well you're not going to
try and file for divorce,
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and please don't do that and
say "Dr. Jacob said." Laughter
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No, you want to work it out.
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XY Theory is all about,
"Let me find out who I am,
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and what I need - so that
I could see how my partner
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could fulfill those needs.
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The majority of people
that you know - do not know what
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they need in a
relationship, they really don't.
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They know when
something is wrong,
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but they can't really
tell what specifically it is,
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so most times,
they can't fix it.
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So it's kind of good
to be... if we're moderate
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in most of these
areas. Oh, moderate is great!
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I got moderate
twice, so I'm winning.
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So it's a good
thing. Yeah, you did good.
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So the other thing is, you
have to control your style.
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There's a style that
X-types use when they're talking
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and that style is
talking in swirls. Okay
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You had a conversation
with a bunch of Xs and if you
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ever experience it,
they bounce from one
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conversation to the next,
bounce around, bounce around,
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and pick it up
where they left off.
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They don't lose what
they're talking about,
00:10:27.96\00:10:29.89
they get right back on
cue, right back on topic.
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I thought that was
like a girl thing. Right
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Exactly, you thought it was
a girl thing and guess what?
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Because I'm like
that, even though I'm a Y.
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Right, so that is
your one X trait then
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because you're a Y, right?
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So that's your one X trait,
but it's not a girl thing.
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What we used to think
female and male was really
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X- type and Y-type.
00:10:50.31\00:10:51.85
Why? Because our research
shows that about 25% of men
00:10:51.88\00:10:56.85
out there are also X-types.
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Right? So 75% are
Y-types, 25% X-types
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and vice versa for the women.
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So this is the reason
why I never use the terms
00:11:05.63\00:11:07.66
"male and female, he and she,"
because it's not about that.
00:11:07.70\00:11:10.63
You will get misled if
you think that marriage is
00:11:10.67\00:11:13.00
going to be a certain
way because he's a guy. Right
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Isn't there statistics
that say that women generally
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talk more than men -
like they have a larger
00:11:18.21\00:11:21.84
not vocabulary, but...
00:11:21.88\00:11:23.21
And you know how
statistics work...
00:11:23.24\00:11:24.81
If the majority, when
they test, are like that,
00:11:24.85\00:11:27.88
then they will say women
talk more than men. Right
00:11:27.92\00:11:29.98
In general, but what we realize
is - "No, get more specific
00:11:30.02\00:11:34.06
and test their personality and
00:11:34.09\00:11:35.42
see how that
statistic turns out. Okay?
00:11:35.46\00:11:38.43
You also have to control
function, very important.
00:11:38.46\00:11:42.80
Y- types prefer to talk
about things that are functional
00:11:42.83\00:11:47.24
What time do you want
me to pick up the kids?
00:11:47.27\00:11:49.70
Okay no, I don't need to
hear about how his homework went
00:11:49.74\00:11:52.27
and what he did at
school, what time do you want me
00:11:52.31\00:11:53.94
to pick up the
kids? That's a Y-type.
00:11:53.98\00:11:57.45
X- types like the elaboration,
the story behind the facts.
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Okay, you want to also
control the social aspects of
00:12:03.05\00:12:06.55
conversation which means you
want to limit your small talk.
00:12:06.59\00:12:11.06
If you're an X-type with a
Y- type, you love small talk.
00:12:11.09\00:12:15.06
Why? Because small talk
produces oxytocin, specifically
00:12:15.10\00:12:19.63
the research shows,
but you have to limit that
00:12:19.67\00:12:22.84
because it does the opposite
for your Y-type partner.
00:12:22.87\00:12:25.51
It makes him resentful
and reduces his oxytocin,
00:12:25.54\00:12:29.11
so you see how the
balance works. Right
00:12:29.14\00:12:32.15
Okay, and then you also want
to make sure that you remember
00:12:32.18\00:12:36.55
that texting is not a
substitute for conversation.
00:12:36.58\00:12:40.66
The research shows that
texting does not produce any
00:12:40.69\00:12:42.79
oxytocin at all. Okay
00:12:42.82\00:12:44.69
So you might be
upset that your boyfriend
00:12:44.73\00:12:46.49
isn't texting you as
often as you text him,
00:12:46.53\00:12:48.43
but you're not getting
anything from it anyway.
00:12:48.46\00:12:51.30
You know, you just
like the communication.
00:12:51.33\00:12:53.23
Generally when I text
somebody it's just to get like
00:12:53.27\00:12:55.90
if I have a question about
something or how was your day
00:12:55.94\00:12:58.64
or something, something brief
and just kind of go with that
00:12:58.67\00:13:00.68
but as far as communicating
and wanting to know more
00:13:00.71\00:13:03.28
about them, I would
rather talk to you on the phone
00:13:03.31\00:13:04.71
or talk to you in
person, you know? Yeah
00:13:04.75\00:13:06.88
And that might be
because you're moderate. It is.
00:13:07.38\00:13:10.95
Yeah, yeah. Okay...
00:13:10.99\00:13:13.32
So one other thing,
Xs bond through touch
00:13:13.36\00:13:18.09
and verbal exchange and
this is with regard to intimacy.
00:13:18.13\00:13:22.86
I'm just going to
touch on that and we'll
00:13:22.90\00:13:24.23
pick that up another
time, but with regard to
00:13:24.27\00:13:26.33
intimacy, touch and talk...
00:13:26.37\00:13:28.40
So X-types - touch and talk...
00:13:28.47\00:13:30.44
So the intimacy, of
course, is the touch,
00:13:30.47\00:13:32.67
and I don't mean it has
to be super affectionate,
00:13:32.71\00:13:36.14
but, in general,
they like closeness
00:13:36.18\00:13:39.11
as opposed to distance. Okay
00:13:39.15\00:13:42.25
So when you guys are
dating, you've got to
00:13:42.28\00:13:43.89
remember these
few simple points,
00:13:43.92\00:13:46.65
don't overwhelm your
date if you want to continue
00:13:46.69\00:13:49.29
having a date. Gotcha
00:13:49.32\00:13:51.59
Just make an
adjustment. Back off...
00:13:51.63\00:13:53.83
He says, "Back off." Back it up.
00:13:53.86\00:13:56.87
No, just adjust, just adjust,
you'll be fine if you adjust.
00:13:56.90\00:13:59.30
Okay, I want to thank you guys
00:13:59.37\00:14:00.97
for coming on today and
we'll see you next time.
00:14:01.00\00:14:03.61
Thank you for having
us! Thank you for having us.
00:14:03.64\00:14:06.21
Hello and welcome
back to "Road to Romance"
00:14:15.45\00:14:18.25
We are once again
joined by Jeremiah and Vania.
00:14:18.29\00:14:21.22
Welcome! Thanks
for having us again.
00:14:21.26\00:14:23.02
So, you guys had an
opportunity to take the
00:14:23.06\00:14:26.76
"Perception Test?" That's right.
00:14:26.80\00:14:28.86
And, did you
understand why we were doing
00:14:28.90\00:14:31.70
a Perception Test after
you took your "Self" test?
00:14:31.73\00:14:34.27
Yes. Yes? Okay
00:14:34.30\00:14:38.07
So the
perception really is this...
00:14:38.11\00:14:40.78
He perceives himself in one
way and it might not exactly
00:14:40.81\00:14:46.28
be the way you perceive him.
00:14:46.31\00:14:48.22
So the difference
between how he sees himself
00:14:48.25\00:14:50.35
and how you see him often causes
problems in a relationship.
00:14:50.39\00:14:52.89
It's part of the reason
why, sometimes, couples complain
00:14:53.86\00:14:56.66
that their partners are
not changing because as far as
00:14:56.69\00:14:59.53
the partner is concerned,
there's nothing to change.
00:14:59.56\00:15:02.06
So when we take
the Perception Test,
00:15:02.10\00:15:03.50
it lets you see the difference
between what you think
00:15:03.53\00:15:06.90
and what he views.
Does that make sense? Yes
00:15:06.94\00:15:10.71
Okay, so let's take
a look at the results
00:15:10.74\00:15:12.07
of that Perception Test
and I want you to be thinking
00:15:12.11\00:15:14.71
about your previous test.
Okay, let's take a look...
00:15:14.74\00:15:18.15
So "communication" -
Let's start with Jeremiah.
00:15:19.21\00:15:23.18
Vania, you see Jeremiah
as high in communication,
00:15:23.22\00:15:27.82
and Jeremiah, you see
Vania as high in communication,
00:15:27.86\00:15:31.29
but that is
exactly the way it was
00:15:31.33\00:15:34.10
when you took the
previous test. Correct. Yeah?
00:15:34.13\00:15:37.00
But "intimacy," let's take
a look at that because that
00:15:37.03\00:15:39.13
is different.
00:15:39.17\00:15:40.97
What I have from your previous
test is "moderate" for Vania,
00:15:41.00\00:15:45.97
and high for Jeremiah.
00:15:46.01\00:15:49.48
But Vania, you see
Jeremiah as extremely high
00:15:49.51\00:15:52.61
in his need for intimacy.
00:15:52.65\00:15:55.45
So what that means is, at
times you feel that you have
00:15:55.48\00:15:59.52
to step-it-up to
meet his emotional needs.
00:15:59.55\00:16:02.72
Do you want to tell me
a little bit about that?
00:16:02.76\00:16:04.76
Okay, if I have to say
like how I experience him,
00:16:04.79\00:16:08.33
I will say like, extremely
high, I think it has to do with
00:16:08.36\00:16:12.33
the fact that when I need
to be focused, I really need to
00:16:12.37\00:16:16.04
concentrate on what I'm
doing and if he wants to talk
00:16:16.07\00:16:19.64
with me and stuff, so I
feel like I can't focus as well
00:16:19.67\00:16:23.08
as I want to - so it has
more to do with that, you know?
00:16:23.11\00:16:26.92
But other than that, I
think it's pretty equal.
00:16:26.95\00:16:32.65
I'm a little bit more flexible
when it comes to multitasking.
00:16:32.69\00:16:35.56
I can do five things at
once and still talk to her. Yes
00:16:35.59\00:16:40.13
A real challenge.
And that's because
00:16:40.16\00:16:42.13
you're slightly
higher in your result.
00:16:42.16\00:16:44.40
So this makes
sense, this makes sense.
00:16:44.43\00:16:46.60
If she's focused then she wants
to pretty much be left alone
00:16:46.63\00:16:50.27
a bit and the test picks
up even that small difference.
00:16:50.31\00:16:54.14
If you guys had wide
differences, huge differences,
00:16:54.18\00:16:57.48
then the test
would also show that.
00:16:57.51\00:16:59.01
But as you could see,
high, high, high, high,
00:16:59.05\00:17:01.68
low, low - other than
the intimacy, you guys
00:17:01.72\00:17:04.52
are pretty aware of each other
and this doesn't always happen.
00:17:04.55\00:17:08.99
We've had couples that
have been together for 5 years,
00:17:09.02\00:17:11.19
10 years and when you ask
them simple questions like
00:17:11.23\00:17:14.26
"So what kind of soap
does your wife prefer?"
00:17:14.30\00:17:17.77
"Soap, soap, does she
use soap?" "I have no idea."
00:17:17.80\00:17:21.67
Or what kind of
shampoo does your husband use?
00:17:22.64\00:17:24.77
"Shampoo... I, I, I don't
know." Some simple things.
00:17:24.81\00:17:28.24
Well, what route
does he use to go to work?
00:17:28.28\00:17:31.51
"I'm not sure."
00:17:31.55\00:17:32.88
So there are a lot of couples
who have been together for
00:17:32.91\00:17:35.42
a long time,
especially XY couples,
00:17:35.45\00:17:37.99
because they don't talk as
much, they don't know as much
00:17:38.02\00:17:41.86
about each other and
sometimes that's a problem.
00:17:41.89\00:17:43.99
Obviously, according to
the results, you guys do not
00:17:44.03\00:17:47.73
have that problem - so
this is good news. Definitely!
00:17:47.76\00:17:50.43
But I just want to show you
how the Perception Test works
00:17:50.47\00:17:52.77
and how important it could be.
00:17:52.80\00:17:54.14
Yes! Okay? Interesting.
00:17:54.17\00:17:55.94
So what I wanted to
talk about today, again, is
00:17:55.97\00:17:58.97
a little bit more
about communication.
00:17:59.01\00:18:02.24
You don't have this problem,
but, as I said, 85% of couples
00:18:02.28\00:18:07.42
are in what we call "an XY
relationship" where one partner
00:18:07.45\00:18:10.82
has really high
needs and the other
00:18:10.85\00:18:12.72
partner has really low needs.
00:18:12.75\00:18:14.12
So I actually had a lady say
this to me or at least she said
00:18:14.16\00:18:19.49
to me what she said to
her husband and what she said
00:18:19.53\00:18:21.93
to her husband was
this... "What you need from
00:18:21.96\00:18:25.37
me on a daily
basis overwhelms me."
00:18:25.40\00:18:29.17
I think that's a
pretty deep statement.
00:18:29.20\00:18:31.87
She really felt that he needed
attention and needed affection
00:18:31.91\00:18:37.38
and he needed communication
and she felt a pressure
00:18:37.41\00:18:41.05
to provide this on a
daily basis, maybe for a day,
00:18:41.08\00:18:44.45
maybe for a week -
she would have been fine,
00:18:44.49\00:18:46.25
but for a
lifetime, for a marriage,
00:18:46.29\00:18:48.12
it was really difficult for her.
00:18:48.16\00:18:49.89
So, again, this is the
whole perception thing and how
00:18:49.92\00:18:53.06
you really have no
idea unless you take a test
00:18:53.09\00:18:56.06
or unless you ask and a
lot of us are really nervous
00:18:56.10\00:18:59.00
about asking our partner.
00:18:59.03\00:19:00.37
Why? It might
cause some confrontation;
00:19:00.40\00:19:02.14
it might cause some
pain, some anguish. Right?
00:19:02.17\00:19:05.27
Let's flip to intimacy
because it's the same thing.
00:19:05.31\00:19:08.74
Another question was
asked about intimacy...
00:19:08.78\00:19:11.51
"Even what you lovingly
do for me, smothers me."
00:19:11.55\00:19:16.99
A husband said that to his wife.
00:19:17.02\00:19:19.35
Even all those things that
you do that you think are really
00:19:19.39\00:19:22.12
special, and the "I love you'
s," and all of the nice things
00:19:22.16\00:19:25.79
that you do, leave
me feeling smothered."
00:19:25.83\00:19:29.16
And this is because
this is not his need.
00:19:29.20\00:19:31.70
So when you get something
that is outside of what you need
00:19:31.73\00:19:34.27
for your oxytocin to
bond, it feels smothering,
00:19:34.30\00:19:38.01
it feels uncomfortable. Okay?
00:19:38.04\00:19:41.14
Here are 5 or 6 areas
that we can touch on to
00:19:41.18\00:19:44.61
talk a little bit
more about intimacy.
00:19:44.65\00:19:46.78
So what is affection?
00:19:46.82\00:19:48.15
That's an aspect of it.
00:19:48.18\00:19:49.52
Gotta make sure that
your wife feels like you're
00:19:49.55\00:19:52.35
affectionate enough and
Vania, of course, now that we
00:19:52.39\00:19:55.06
know that he's a little higher
on the intimacy scale, right?
00:19:55.09\00:19:58.19
You want to make sure
that when you're working,
00:19:58.23\00:20:02.76
so when you're working and
he comes by and he's doing the
00:20:02.80\00:20:06.47
helicopter thing and
he's hovering around,
00:20:06.50\00:20:08.64
you want to take a little
break from your hyper focus
00:20:08.67\00:20:11.37
and just you know, kind
of acknowledge him, "Hey
00:20:11.41\00:20:13.88
Jeremiah, so what's going
on, anything I can get you?
00:20:13.91\00:20:17.45
Anything?" And
then he might say,
00:20:17.48\00:20:18.81
"No, nothing."
Mostly because he just
00:20:18.85\00:20:20.58
wants to be close,
but you want to make sure
00:20:20.62\00:20:22.98
that the affection
level is pretty high.
00:20:23.02\00:20:25.45
And "attention," X-types,
high X-types tend to have
00:20:25.49\00:20:29.09
a greater need for attention.
00:20:29.12\00:20:30.93
Now, we don't want
that to become extreme
00:20:30.96\00:20:34.36
because then that
would leave you with no time
00:20:34.40\00:20:36.03
to do anything
on your own. Right?
00:20:36.06\00:20:38.07
"Empathy and sensitivity,"
we've been finding that a
00:20:38.10\00:20:41.40
lot of couples that come to
us, there's an empathy problem
00:20:41.44\00:20:46.14
between them.
00:20:46.17\00:20:47.78
There's a statistic that there's
research out there that shows
00:20:47.81\00:20:51.01
that from 2000 to 2010,
the empathy level of women
00:20:51.05\00:20:56.35
dropped, especially
college-age women dropped by 50%
00:20:56.38\00:21:01.16
from 2000 to 2010
across this country.
00:21:01.19\00:21:04.16
Why would you say that
that is, why did that happen?
00:21:04.19\00:21:06.59
There are a lot of hypotheses.
00:21:06.63\00:21:09.16
Sociologists actually
admitted that they are not sure
00:21:09.20\00:21:12.27
what's causing it, but they
would be willing to hypothesize,
00:21:12.30\00:21:14.70
and so one is the single
family homes that we have.
00:21:14.74\00:21:18.94
The fact that
they're being raised often by
00:21:18.97\00:21:21.98
mothers who have
to be dad and mom,
00:21:22.01\00:21:24.31
and who have to
toughen up and do both roles,
00:21:24.35\00:21:27.68
so all they see is a mother
who instead of being soft and
00:21:27.72\00:21:31.02
gentle and warm and cuddly,
she's the disciplinarian.
00:21:31.05\00:21:36.39
So that may have dropped
the empathy level for one thing.
00:21:36.42\00:21:40.26
Some people believe that it's
a throwback way back from the
00:21:40.30\00:21:44.50
70's when we had the
women's lib movement.
00:21:44.53\00:21:48.94
That's been cited as a reason.
00:21:48.97\00:21:51.51
Another reason is the fact that
women are going to college more,
00:21:51.54\00:21:55.11
getting more educated,
becoming more independent,
00:21:55.14\00:21:57.98
and somehow there seems to
be a link between feelings of
00:21:58.01\00:22:01.28
independence and, you
know, lack of empathy.
00:22:01.32\00:22:04.65
So these are all hypotheses,
nobody knows for sure,
00:22:04.69\00:22:07.26
but a 50% drop means that
young people going out there,
00:22:07.29\00:22:10.83
especially young men
going out there to date,
00:22:10.86\00:22:13.93
are going to have a
really difficult time because
00:22:13.96\00:22:16.33
you know the
saying we have "man up,"
00:22:16.36\00:22:18.53
okay, you're going to
be hearing that a lot more.
00:22:18.57\00:22:20.84
Guys are going to be hearing
that a lot more from women
00:22:20.87\00:22:22.64
because women are like...
"Look, you need to be man,
00:22:22.67\00:22:25.14
you know, you need to
be able to step up to me,
00:22:25.17\00:22:27.54
if you're interested, you
need to be able to say so,
00:22:27.58\00:22:29.61
and stop waiting for me
to come to you." Exactly.
00:22:29.64\00:22:32.25
"You know, I see you looking
at me in church or at the
00:22:32.28\00:22:36.45
grocery store or at work,
00:22:36.48\00:22:37.82
I see you looking at me,
I know you're interested."
00:22:37.85\00:22:39.82
"Why are you not stepping
up to me, you need to man up,
00:22:39.85\00:22:41.96
be a man, take your
chances with rejection
00:22:41.99\00:22:45.33
if you have to, but
maybe I'll say, "yes."
00:22:45.36\00:22:47.80
If he ever says that
enough. Right, exactly!
00:22:47.83\00:22:50.87
So I'm just saying, the
empathy levels haven't dropped.
00:22:50.90\00:22:53.74
It means that men are going
to have to make an adjustment
00:22:53.77\00:22:56.67
because women are
going to expect more.
00:22:56.71\00:22:58.77
Does that make
sense? Um hm. Makes sense.
00:22:58.81\00:23:00.84
Okay, "value" - we found
that value plays a huge role...
00:23:00.88\00:23:07.25
It's important to
find out what kind of value
00:23:07.28\00:23:09.55
your partner places on you.
00:23:09.58\00:23:12.65
And, value is tied to
what we call "personal growth."
00:23:12.69\00:23:16.62
In a marriage,
there are a lot of people
00:23:16.66\00:23:18.59
who have this attitude.
00:23:18.63\00:23:19.96
Okay, "I worked
really, really hard to get her,
00:23:20.00\00:23:22.46
so now I'm done, I'm good.
00:23:22.50\00:23:24.30
You know, we're married,
I did what I needed to do,
00:23:24.33\00:23:27.20
the Lord did what he needed
to do, I prayed, I got her,
00:23:27.24\00:23:29.97
and, you know, I'm good.
00:23:30.01\00:23:31.61
I don't have to
do anything else."
00:23:31.64\00:23:32.97
So there's no personal growth,
00:23:33.01\00:23:35.08
but we found that
personal growth seems to be
00:23:35.11\00:23:38.11
tied in to the respect level
that a partner has for you.
00:23:38.15\00:23:42.38
So if you are exactly
where you were 10 years later,
00:23:42.42\00:23:47.19
exactly where you
were when she found you,
00:23:47.22\00:23:50.33
that causes problems
in the marriage because
00:23:50.36\00:23:53.66
in your brain,
there's an expectation,
00:23:53.70\00:23:55.83
and the expectation is
that you will continue to grow
00:23:55.86\00:23:58.17
and to improve
yourself and not think that
00:23:58.20\00:24:01.30
everything stopped on the
day that you said, "I do,"
00:24:01.34\00:24:04.27
so that's another factor.
00:24:04.31\00:24:06.94
Proximity is also an
issue when it comes intimacy
00:24:06.98\00:24:09.88
and it's like how close you are.
00:24:09.91\00:24:11.28
I'm looking at you guys
right now and you're sitting
00:24:11.31\00:24:13.08
pretty close, but couples
don't always sit that close.
00:24:13.11\00:24:16.38
Sometimes couples come in
and they prefer to sit on either
00:24:16.42\00:24:19.72
end, opposite ends of the
sofa and they're not arguing,
00:24:19.75\00:24:23.19
there's no fight.
00:24:23.22\00:24:24.56
I want to sit close to him.
And you want to be close, right?
00:24:24.59\00:24:26.46
You could get close if you want.
00:24:26.49\00:24:27.83
You guys are a
married couple, so it's okay.
00:24:27.86\00:24:30.50
It's okay - you could
be closer, that's fine.
00:24:30.53\00:24:33.84
But the idea is, you
want to feel connected.
00:24:33.87\00:24:36.30
You know, it's when
people don't feel connected
00:24:36.34\00:24:38.31
in the relationship that
they think to themselves,
00:24:38.34\00:24:40.71
"Well, something is
wrong and I'm going to
00:24:40.74\00:24:43.91
make some changes."
00:24:43.95\00:24:45.61
You remember that I
encouraged you guys to always
00:24:45.65\00:24:48.55
seek professional
help if you need it.
00:24:48.58\00:24:50.29
This is something that
a lot of people do not do.
00:24:50.32\00:24:52.75
Most people will wait
until they are on the brink
00:24:52.79\00:24:57.43
of separation or
divorce to seek help.
00:24:57.46\00:25:00.86
Okay, when you talk about
intimacy, there are a lot of
00:25:00.90\00:25:04.73
spiritual implications.
00:25:04.77\00:25:06.53
So I want to address
just one in particular.
00:25:06.57\00:25:09.30
Spiritual intimacy in
the church is very different
00:25:09.34\00:25:15.01
from what it is on the
outside and by that I mean
00:25:15.04\00:25:18.11
it's not enough to find
someone who is of the same faith
00:25:18.15\00:25:23.99
or who is in the same religion.
00:25:24.02\00:25:27.16
It's a big mistake that we make.
00:25:27.19\00:25:29.12
Your parents would have told
you, "Tania, I want you to find
00:25:29.16\00:25:31.99
a good Christian man,"
and you go to your church
00:25:32.03\00:25:35.10
and you find a good Christian
man and then you discover
00:25:35.13\00:25:37.83
that you guys have absolutely
no spiritual intimacy.
00:25:37.87\00:25:41.70
And the reason for that is that
there are degrees of intimacy
00:25:41.74\00:25:46.04
when it comes to your faith.
00:25:46.07\00:25:47.84
There are degrees of belief.
00:25:47.88\00:25:50.15
Within your very
church, there are probably
00:25:50.18\00:25:52.68
5 degrees and I'll
tell you what they are.
00:25:52.71\00:25:55.15
So some people are
ultraconservative, am I right?
00:25:55.18\00:25:58.05
And then some people
are just conservative,
00:25:58.09\00:26:00.16
and then you have the moderates,
and then you have the liberals,
00:26:00.19\00:26:03.56
and then you have
the ultra liberals.
00:26:03.59\00:26:05.23
Now, if you have
those five categories,
00:26:05.26\00:26:07.40
the chances of you
actually being ultraconservative
00:26:07.43\00:26:11.57
and automatically
finding someone that is
00:26:11.60\00:26:12.93
ultraconservative is a bit
small unless you intentionally
00:26:12.97\00:26:16.64
go out to seek
someone like that. Right.
00:26:16.67\00:26:18.61
But it's a big deal because
if you're ultraconservative,
00:26:18.64\00:26:21.71
the way you eat will be
different from the way Vania
00:26:21.74\00:26:24.91
will eat if she is liberal.
00:26:24.95\00:26:26.65
You guys both believe and you're
both on your way to heaven,
00:26:26.68\00:26:30.12
but the walk here on
earth can be pretty treacherous
00:26:30.15\00:26:35.32
if you guys are
not walking together
00:26:35.36\00:26:38.13
with regard to your faith.
00:26:38.16\00:26:39.69
Does Vania want to
go to church once a week
00:26:39.73\00:26:44.07
or does she want to go
to church on the weekends,
00:26:44.10\00:26:48.27
yes, Sunday
night, Wednesday night,
00:26:48.30\00:26:50.94
Friday night, prayer meeting.
00:26:50.97\00:26:52.64
Does she want to
go five times a week,
00:26:52.67\00:26:54.28
and because of her conviction...
00:26:54.31\00:26:55.91
her conviction tells
her that she should. Right.
00:26:55.94\00:26:57.98
You... you're
okay with once a week.
00:26:58.01\00:27:00.92
Some people twice a month.
00:27:00.98\00:27:04.15
But it's a huge problem if
you don't discuss these things
00:27:04.19\00:27:07.82
ahead of time and
then there's health.
00:27:07.86\00:27:12.09
Are you okay with being vegan,
00:27:12.13\00:27:14.93
if she wants to be; vegetarian,
if she wants to be - you know.
00:27:14.96\00:27:20.47
Maybe you feel that you
can eat meat and she doesn't.
00:27:20.50\00:27:23.81
All of this is
involved with spiritual intimacy
00:27:23.84\00:27:26.71
and you've got to
be on the same page.
00:27:26.74\00:27:28.74
So let me ask you guys...
00:27:28.78\00:27:30.11
How has it been for you with
regard to spiritual intimacy
00:27:30.15\00:27:33.01
in your marriage?
00:27:33.05\00:27:34.72
My relationship with
Jesus is very practical,
00:27:34.75\00:27:38.72
and that was very important
to me - to be with someone
00:27:38.75\00:27:41.49
who understands that and values
that and so I couldn't be with
00:27:41.52\00:27:46.43
someone who is
like ultraconservative,
00:27:46.46\00:27:49.56
like you
explained. Yeah. I agree.
00:27:49.60\00:27:52.87
All right, well, I want to
thank you guys for being so
00:27:52.90\00:27:57.51
candid and open and sharing,
00:27:57.54\00:27:59.97
and I will see
you both next time.
00:28:00.01\00:28:02.21