Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host Dr. John Jacob
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With us today are
Yvette, Miles and Bianca
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Welcome! Good to be back!
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I am sure you had sleepless
moments, sleepless nights
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worrying about the results
of your test. Yeah. Slightly.
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So we are going to share
those results with you today,
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but before we do, I'd like
to explain how these tests work,
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and also explain the
different personality types
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so that when I
show you your results,
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they will be
really clear to you. Okay.
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So there are four
relationship types.
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There's the XX, XY, YY and YX.
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Everybody that you will
ever meet, single or married
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falls into one of those
four categories which makes it
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really simple.
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So if you're an XX,
it means that you have a
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high need for communication
and a high emotional need.
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That's what X really means.
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Some people ask, is this X
and Y chromosomes? No it's not.
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It just, coincidentally,
happened, you know,
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to be X and Y, but
X really means high,
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and Y really means low.
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So no matter what the category
is, that's how it works.
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So the second one
is XY, and if you're an
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XY personality type,
you are an X communicator...
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meaning that you have
high communication needs
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and you prefer to communicate
a lot rather than a little.
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And the Y means that
you are fairly unemotional
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or you have low emotional needs.
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I see Miles is already smiling
at me which tells me that
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he's already sensing his
results, but you have to wait.
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Very emotional
person. Emotional? Okay, okay.
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So YY is the third
relationship type and it means
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you're a Y communicator which
means you don't have a lot of
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communication needs - you
could get by with a little,
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in fact, you prefer it.
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The second Y means that
you're fairly unemotional.
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So put those two together...
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You don't talk very much,
you don't share very much,
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you don't feel very much.
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That's what you're
looking at in terms of
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personality type,
keep that in mind.
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And then the last one is YX.
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It means that you are
a Y communicator again,
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low need for
communication, but this time,
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you have a high emotional need,
so those are your four types.
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Do you guys have
any questions on those?
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No. Not yet. No.
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Not yet...Okay. I have
an idea what I am but...
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You have an
idea? Yeah. All right.
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So we'll go to our next slide
and take a look at some of the
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tests that are available.
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So the test that you
guys took is this first test.
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It's the South Test,
The XY Personality Test,
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and I believe the
version that you took
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was the expanded version.
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I usually encourage folks
to take the expanded version
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because it tells you
everything that you need to know
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about yourself and it
asks about 30 to 40 questions
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to make sure it captures every
aspect of your personality.
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So the test
that you took, Miles,
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I believe was the first one.
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If you had a partner and
you were wondering like...
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say you just
started dating someone,
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and you were wondering, you
were thinking to yourself...
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Dr. Jacob told me that
90% of folks dating out there
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will never make it to the altar,
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and I don't want
to be in that 90%,
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so I need to test my partner or
have my partner take the test.
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Now first I have to tell
you... You cannot go to the
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young lady, Miles, and
say, "Hey, you need to take this
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test because if you don't
take this test, we're finished,
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we're not going to be
going forward." Gotcha
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And you also cannot make it
sound like it's a deal breaker.
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You know, you want to
just be somewhere having dinner
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and say, "Hey, you know
what, we are fifth in line,
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we have a little extra time,
why don't you take this test?"
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"I have this nice, fun
test on my phone right here,
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we could just take it
online and just do this
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to pass the time away."
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So you want to make
sure that you down play it
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because you don't want
to raise her anxiety level
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and put her on
guard, right Miles? Okay
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Okay, and then the third test
is the "XY Perception Test."
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Now this test is for a
host of partners who are
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absolutely reluctant to
taking this test or any test.
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They do not like tests,
especially personality tests
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that could tell
you about them. Okay
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They are
private, they are guarded.
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Nothing is wrong with
that, but I had to create a test
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to get you around
that little problem because
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you, Miles, need to know
what kind of a personality
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you're getting
involved with potentially
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for the rest of your life. Amen!
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So it's the "Reluctant
Partner Test" or, in this case,
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we also call it the
"XY Perception Test"
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because it's your perception
of this other individual.
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And then the fourth test,
we call it "Tag-Your-X Test."
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If you were previously married
or you were in a previous
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relationship that did
not end well, guess what?
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You're not getting closure.
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You're making those calls,
they're not being returned,
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the texts are
not being returned...
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She virtually disappeared
from the face of the earth,
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and never said,
"Miles, you know what it was?
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It was your dog, I don't
like dogs - I'm allergic."
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She never said anything,
so there was no closure.
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Well that test will allow
you, Miles, if you know her
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well enough, to take it and
find out what her personality
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was and compare that to yours
and have some closure. Okay
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Does that make
sense? Makes a lot of sense!
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Okay, are you guys
ready for your results?
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We're ready. Absolutely!
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All right, let's take
a look at the results.
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Starting with
Bianca... What? Okay Miles,
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we're allowed a little
bit of shock and surprise
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on this program, but
we're going to come to you
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after we look at Bianca.
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So Bianca, it
says in communication,
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you are a Y - which
means that you have a low need
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for communication - it probably
means that you don't mind
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being alone.
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Sounds about right.
Does this sound correct?
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Definitely! Yeah?
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Yeah, I love my alone
time, need to recharge
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before I spend time
with people. Yeah? Yeah.
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Okay, so if someone wanted
to date you and they didn't
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know this, they
would get an ugly surprise
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if this person
wanted to be as close to you
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as the clothes that you wear.
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It would not work,
it would be difficult.
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You'd find them smothering and
this test would have saved you
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or saved them from, you know,
years and years and years of
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trying to figure this out.
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So in intimacy, however, it
says that you have a moderate
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need for intimacy - which
means you don't mind probably
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romance and you
don't mind someone that's
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affectionate. Right.
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Okay, so that
sounds correct to you?
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It also says that you
have a high adaptability and
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with adaptability
you're either high or low.
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And basically
what that means is...
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You're the type of
person that will be willing to
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make adjustments
in the relationship.
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I want you guys to
think about this...
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Unless you're dating
your twin, identical twin,
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not even fraternal
twin, identical twin
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with the same
personality, you are going to
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need to make adjustments
in the relationship...
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Which means adaptability
becomes very, very, very
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important because you'll always
find someone that does things
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a little
different from how you do,
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and it will make
you uncomfortable,
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and unless you
prepare, in your mind,
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to make adjustments,
you'll find yourself in trouble.
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Now what this science is
showing us is that you can know
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if somebody is adaptable before
you get into the relationship,
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before you get too deep,
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so deep that you
don't want to back out.
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Can you give us an example?
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Easy - Miles, can you take me
to... and they call the name of
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a restaurant -
their favorite restaurant.
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And you say, "Well that's
about a hundred miles away."
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"How about we go to this
other restaurant 20 miles away?"
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"No, absolutely not."
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What did you not
understand, Miles?
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"I want to go
to this restaurant,
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this is my
favorite restaurant." Okay
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"And if you care about
me, you would take me there?"
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See, that's the problem!
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Normally, like if I'm
with somebody and she has a
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favorite
restaurant... I'm all for like,
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you know, treating you
and taking you to the place
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where you want to go
because it makes you happy,
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and 100 miles to me is not
that big of a distance to make
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somebody who I'm with
happy, but if you're...
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Wow ladies, are
we hearing this? Yes
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Let's hear this
again, let's hear this again.
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Yes, so what I'm saying is...
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A hundred miles is like 2 miles
to you. It's okay. For now.
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If that makes you happy, then
if I have the transportation,
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or the means, whatever, to get
there, we can make it happen,
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but then if I make a
suggestion like, okay, let's go
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to this one," but
you're still like stuck on...
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"No, we have to go
there," then, "No, you're
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never going there after all."
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So there's a question
of flexibility. Exactly.
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And, if you're with
someone who is inflexible,
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that goes over into
the marriage. Right.
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Because people tend
to, you know, carry their
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personalities with them.
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Okay, Bianca you are
also high in interactivity,
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and interactivity
has a lot of components,
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but in the interest of time,
we'll just focus on one. Alright
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And the one we'll focus on
is... Your need for resolution.
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When there's conflict,
how fast do you want this
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conflict to be resolved?
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This has been a
problem in relationships...
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It's almost been the
cause for a lot of breakups.
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So the question is...
How fast do you want it
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to happen to you?
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I can give an example...
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As a child, if my
sister and I fought or if we
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argued about something
and one of us was upset,
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before bedtime I'd be
like, "Okay I'm sorry."
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Like I took that verse to heart
that said, "Do not let the sun
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go down on your
anger," so I was like,
00:10:04.93\00:10:06.40
"I want to take care of
this, you know, before tomorrow,
00:10:06.43\00:10:09.04
let's deal with this."
Absolutely, absolutely,
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Absolutely, so okay,
so you understand that.
00:10:11.14\00:10:13.98
Quality time is
exactly what it says.
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It says you have a high amount
of quality time available,
00:10:16.24\00:10:20.55
and it's sort of a
flip on the high and low.
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Yeah, it's like interesting.
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When you took the
test, the test said "high,"
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but what this means is
that the amount of time
00:10:28.59\00:10:30.66
that you spend on your
devices is low - so you have
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a high amount of
quality time available
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for a relationship.
Does that make sense?
00:10:36.23\00:10:38.40
Okay, let's go to Miles,
we'll go a little faster.
00:10:38.43\00:10:40.84
Miles, you are borderline;
borderline in communication,
00:10:40.87\00:10:45.37
in your need for communication;
00:10:45.41\00:10:47.28
and borderline in intimacy.
00:10:47.31\00:10:49.44
Does that sound about
right? Yeah, for the most part.
00:10:49.48\00:10:52.48
All right, so
adaptability, you're also high,
00:10:52.51\00:10:55.42
and we already know
that because you're going to
00:10:55.45\00:10:56.79
drive 100 miles to take your
lady to her favorite restaurant.
00:10:56.82\00:10:59.55
Interactivity - Also high,
you like to resolve conflicts
00:10:59.59\00:11:02.99
sooner rather than later. Right
00:11:03.02\00:11:04.63
Because that really does
a number on relationships.
00:11:04.66\00:11:07.23
Quality time - you also have
a lot of quality time available
00:11:07.30\00:11:09.96
for the person that
you're interested in.
00:11:10.00\00:11:11.77
Is that correct? Um hm.
00:11:11.80\00:11:13.54
Okay, Yvette,
let's take a look at you.
00:11:13.57\00:11:17.74
Your communication
needs are high, fairly high,
00:11:17.77\00:11:22.01
and it doesn't mean that
you don't have a few Y traits
00:11:22.04\00:11:24.08
in there, a things
that it might be low,
00:11:24.15\00:11:26.31
but overall, you prefer
someone that's a communicator
00:11:26.35\00:11:29.52
as opposed to someone that
you have to text 100 times to
00:11:29.55\00:11:32.69
get one reply back or call
50 times to no replies back.
00:11:32.72\00:11:36.59
Yeah, so you're a
high communicator.
00:11:36.62\00:11:39.13
Intimacy - you're moderate,
so it's still up there,
00:11:39.16\00:11:44.20
still high - you have a need,
but you are neither neurotic
00:11:44.27\00:11:48.14
nor obsessive about
that need for affection,
00:11:48.17\00:11:50.44
you know, you're not extreme.
00:11:50.51\00:11:52.81
Because extreme
high is also a category.
00:11:52.84\00:11:54.48
It also shows that, like
the others, you have a high need
00:11:54.51\00:11:58.55
for interactivity -
which means you're a resolver,
00:11:58.58\00:12:01.92
you want to resolve your
conflict exactly when it happens
00:12:01.95\00:12:06.12
or at least
within that day. Correct
00:12:06.15\00:12:08.92
Quality time - you
also have a lot of time
00:12:08.96\00:12:11.39
available for someone, right?
00:12:11.43\00:12:14.23
So how do you guys
feel about your results?
00:12:14.30\00:12:16.36
Hmm, pretty accurate
overall I'd say. Yeah
00:12:16.40\00:12:20.44
Actually,
intimacy, I'm surprised.
00:12:20.47\00:12:23.64
I do like a lot of attention.
00:12:23.71\00:12:26.24
Oh "moderate" is high
enough. Moderate is high?
00:12:26.27\00:12:28.11
Oh moderate is high enough
because if you're not a Y,
00:12:28.14\00:12:30.65
and you're an X,
because it's a moderate X,
00:12:30.68\00:12:32.98
it's high enough.
00:12:33.01\00:12:34.45
When I saw that,
myself, like as far as intimacy,
00:12:34.48\00:12:37.59
I think one of the ways
that I communicate or express
00:12:37.62\00:12:41.19
my feelings to my
significant other is through
00:12:41.22\00:12:44.89
touch or hugging or
just words of affection
00:12:44.93\00:12:49.66
and things like that,
so I thought it would be
00:12:49.70\00:12:51.17
a little bit higher, but I guess
00:12:51.20\00:12:54.14
borders, you know,
somewhat accurate, I guess.
00:12:54.17\00:12:57.54
So I just wanted to
talk about social bonding
00:12:57.61\00:13:02.08
today before we close and
I wanted to remind you guys
00:13:02.11\00:13:04.95
that when you
date, you date with your
00:13:04.98\00:13:07.05
social personality -
that's very important.
00:13:07.12\00:13:10.59
That's the personality
that is very goal-oriented.
00:13:10.62\00:13:13.46
That's the personality
that will make sure that you
00:13:13.49\00:13:16.29
do what you need to
do to win the person,
00:13:16.32\00:13:20.40
and it has the
person doing the same thing.
00:13:20.43\00:13:22.33
But that's the personality
that is hormone-driven
00:13:22.36\00:13:24.63
and disappears once you
get into the relationship,
00:13:24.67\00:13:28.17
and then your relationship
personality is what emerges.
00:13:28.20\00:13:31.61
But you don't have to
worry, you have a worried look
00:13:31.64\00:13:33.61
there, Miles - you
don't need to worry.
00:13:33.68\00:13:35.41
I'm processing everything.
00:13:35.44\00:13:36.78
That test that we just
took, that test - the results,
00:13:36.85\00:13:38.81
that actually would
be the results of your
00:13:38.85\00:13:41.75
relationship
personality, what people will
00:13:41.78\00:13:44.49
see on the inside
years into the relationship,
00:13:44.52\00:13:48.16
something that you'll
never be able to find out
00:13:48.19\00:13:49.92
any other way, so there's
no real need to worry because
00:13:49.96\00:13:52.59
you could always test
your intended, right? Gotcha.
00:13:52.63\00:13:55.70
Okay. Well, I
wanted to thank you guys
00:13:55.73\00:13:58.67
for, you know, being so
willing to take the test
00:13:58.70\00:14:01.34
and be brave enough to
find out who you guys are.
00:14:01.37\00:14:04.24
Well thank you for
giving us the opportunity
00:14:04.31\00:14:06.04
to learn more about ourselves.
00:14:06.07\00:14:07.51
You're welcome, I'll
see you guys next time.
00:14:07.58\00:14:09.04
All right. Thank you!
00:14:09.08\00:14:10.75
Welcome back to
"Road to Romance"
00:14:17.02\00:14:19.09
Today, we are joined
again by Vania and Jeremiah.
00:14:19.12\00:14:22.02
Welcome! Thanks
for having us again.
00:14:22.06\00:14:24.63
I am sure that you guys
would love to hear your scores,
00:14:24.66\00:14:29.36
and the results of
your personality testing?
00:14:29.40\00:14:31.57
Yes. Can't wait.
I can't wait either!
00:14:31.60\00:14:33.77
Okay, so today we will
also talk a little bit about
00:14:33.84\00:14:36.24
social bonding and how it might
00:14:36.27\00:14:38.14
affect you as a
young, married couple.
00:14:38.17\00:14:40.48
Before we do that,
however, let's take a look at
00:14:40.51\00:14:42.34
your test results - I
don't want to keep you waiting
00:14:42.38\00:14:44.25
any longer, okay?
00:14:44.28\00:14:46.92
Jeremiah - so you in
communication are high
00:14:46.95\00:14:51.05
which is probably
what I would have expect.
00:14:51.09\00:14:54.32
Would you agree with that?
00:14:55.59\00:14:56.93
As a communications
major, I would agree. Yeah
00:14:56.96\00:14:59.86
Communications major, right!
00:15:00.73\00:15:02.06
That makes sense -
I didn't know that.
00:15:02.10\00:15:03.47
Okay, I'm going to do
this a little differently...
00:15:03.50\00:15:06.60
I will go across instead
of all the way down, you know.
00:15:06.63\00:15:10.21
So let's compare it across...
00:15:10.24\00:15:12.01
So "communication," Jeremiah
you're high, Vania you're high.
00:15:12.04\00:15:15.24
I suppose this is the
reason why every time I
00:15:15.28\00:15:17.88
see you guys, you're
in a corner coddling away,
00:15:17.91\00:15:21.92
talking like you haven't
seen each other in years.
00:15:21.95\00:15:26.32
It's a beautiful
thing, it's a beautiful thing.
00:15:26.35\00:15:28.12
When you are matched in any
area, especially communication,
00:15:28.16\00:15:31.63
it's a wonderful thing.
00:15:31.66\00:15:33.29
You don't have to feel
like she is not talking enough,
00:15:33.33\00:15:35.96
and she doesn't have to
wonder when she's going to get
00:15:36.00\00:15:37.80
the next
conversation out of you.
00:15:37.83\00:15:39.20
True, she can't
get me to stop talking
00:15:39.23\00:15:41.34
because I'm always
talking to her. Yeah!
00:15:41.37\00:15:42.84
Wow, wow! Very nice!
Yeah, we're always talking.
00:15:42.87\00:15:45.81
It's like, like best friends,
you know, it's like always
00:15:45.84\00:15:49.28
something to share
and, yes, it's beautiful.
00:15:49.31\00:15:52.45
It's like every day is a party,
00:15:52.48\00:15:54.02
like we want to talk
about everything. That's true!
00:15:54.05\00:15:56.38
Could you imagine if he
was the strong, silent type?
00:15:56.42\00:15:58.95
No, I can't.
Laughter... That wouldn't work.
00:15:58.99\00:16:03.43
That wouldn't
work very well. No.
00:16:03.46\00:16:04.83
Okay, "intimacy," Jeremiah
has a high need for intimacy,
00:16:04.86\00:16:08.33
and Vania, your
need is moderate.
00:16:08.36\00:16:11.33
Now, anything within one
level of each other is okay.
00:16:11.37\00:16:14.14
In fact, it will be kind
of boring if you guys were
00:16:14.17\00:16:16.50
exactly the same right across.
00:16:16.54\00:16:18.44
So just having a slight
difference, I think it shouldn't
00:16:18.47\00:16:21.24
create much of a
problem, but does that sound
00:16:21.28\00:16:22.94
about right though for you guys?
00:16:22.98\00:16:24.68
It sounds about right for me.
00:16:24.71\00:16:26.05
Yes, because I know why I
scored moderate because like
00:16:26.08\00:16:32.65
when I have to focus
to get something done,
00:16:32.69\00:16:35.99
I usually want some alone
time so I can focus and like
00:16:36.02\00:16:41.30
he doesn't need that,
he can be doing everything
00:16:41.33\00:16:43.90
and then talking to me,
but when I really want to work
00:16:43.97\00:16:46.97
on something, I need to focus
and then I want to talk less,
00:16:47.04\00:16:50.11
so, yeah. Okay
00:16:50.14\00:16:52.41
So for
adaptability, I have something
00:16:52.44\00:16:54.11
that I need to explain...
00:16:54.18\00:16:55.51
Usually we report
adaptability as high or low,
00:16:55.54\00:16:59.48
but the test is an aggregate
and is quite capable of
00:16:59.51\00:17:03.62
being more specific.
00:17:03.69\00:17:05.22
So because you guys were
so matched in the other areas,
00:17:05.25\00:17:09.56
we thought, "Well,
let's see what they are like
00:17:09.59\00:17:12.26
in detail on the
adaptability and low and behold,
00:17:12.29\00:17:16.77
Jeremiah, you get borderline
for adaptability. Yeah
00:17:16.80\00:17:20.64
So before you tell me,
what this is saying to me
00:17:20.67\00:17:22.94
is that you're not
always the most adaptable.
00:17:22.97\00:17:26.41
It says to me that when
you make up your mind about
00:17:26.44\00:17:28.91
something, you might
not be so willing to change.
00:17:28.94\00:17:31.58
Does that sound
anything towards this?
00:17:31.61\00:17:32.95
Yeah, that sounds about right.
00:17:32.98\00:17:34.32
If I were to come
in from a long day,
00:17:34.35\00:17:37.09
if I decide in my
mind that I'm going to
00:17:37.12\00:17:39.02
retire for the night - that's
usually how it's going to go.
00:17:39.05\00:17:41.86
It has been an area of
growth for me where she's going
00:17:41.89\00:17:45.09
to say, "Okay, you
gotta be more flexible,"
00:17:45.13\00:17:47.13
and things like that, so
I think that's still a work
00:17:47.20\00:17:49.23
in progress, but I
think we're getting there.
00:17:49.26\00:17:50.60
So borderline,
so you're to try to
00:17:50.67\00:17:52.43
inch that up a little bit? About
a millimeter or a little more.
00:17:52.47\00:17:54.37
All right, but this is
what is wonderful about this,
00:17:54.40\00:17:56.14
it's so good to
know what specific
00:17:56.17\00:17:58.97
areas you need to work
in because if you don't,
00:17:59.01\00:18:00.98
you're just
shooting in the dark.
00:18:01.01\00:18:02.34
You know, you have a
partner that's unhappy...
00:18:02.38\00:18:04.15
She's not sure what it is,
you're not sure how to fix it,
00:18:04.18\00:18:07.72
and this helps you to pinpoint
- this is exactly what I
00:18:07.75\00:18:11.09
need to adjust and I don't have
to change my whole personality,
00:18:11.12\00:18:13.86
just a minor
adjustment. Exactly.
00:18:13.89\00:18:16.22
So adaptability, Tania,
for you, however was extreme,
00:18:16.26\00:18:21.56
as in extremely high.
00:18:21.60\00:18:24.17
Would you say this is correct?
00:18:24.20\00:18:26.77
Yeah it's correct and I
think the fact that I do have a
00:18:26.84\00:18:31.84
Master's degree in
coach organization management
00:18:31.87\00:18:35.71
with a concentration in change
management and organization,
00:18:35.74\00:18:38.81
and when I saw it, I'm
like "yes," like I'm all about
00:18:38.85\00:18:42.62
change and organization being
flexible like adjusting and
00:18:42.65\00:18:48.36
so when I saw it
I'm like, "Yeah."
00:18:48.39\00:18:51.33
What I can actually say to
that too, I've noticed firsthand
00:18:51.36\00:18:54.20
with her is - she's willing
to help others in situations
00:18:54.23\00:18:57.83
where it's like -
even if it might not mean
00:18:57.87\00:19:01.00
like the most to someone
else, but for her it's like,
00:19:01.04\00:19:04.04
"This is important
to that person." Wow
00:19:04.11\00:19:05.71
"I want to be
there, I'll go to a party,
00:19:05.74\00:19:08.38
I'll go to
something for a person's kid
00:19:08.41\00:19:10.88
because it's important to them."
00:19:10.95\00:19:12.28
So to be able to have
that kind of adaptability,
00:19:12.31\00:19:14.98
I think is awesome, so she
inspires me in that regard.
00:19:15.02\00:19:16.99
Well you are a lucky man.
00:19:17.72\00:19:20.26
Because to have to
be extremely adaptable,
00:19:20.29\00:19:22.46
it means that where
you have a shortcoming,
00:19:22.49\00:19:24.96
a short fall in adaptability,
00:19:24.99\00:19:26.73
she'll pick up
the slack. Definitely.
00:19:26.80\00:19:28.60
If you don't want to
budge, she will. Definitely
00:19:28.63\00:19:32.93
And you won't even be able
to tell that there's a problem
00:19:32.97\00:19:35.60
because she probably
won't always complain about it,
00:19:35.64\00:19:38.27
if at all. That's true.
00:19:38.31\00:19:39.71
So that's perfect.
00:19:39.74\00:19:42.31
Interactivity -
you both got high
00:19:42.34\00:19:44.91
on interactivity and
remember what that means?
00:19:44.98\00:19:46.85
That means that
when you have a conflict,
00:19:46.92\00:19:49.22
you would prefer
- is what we call a
00:19:49.25\00:19:51.05
"high resolution individual."
00:19:51.09\00:19:52.62
You would prefer to have that
conflict resolved immediately,
00:19:52.65\00:19:57.99
today not tomorrow,
not next week. Today.
00:19:58.03\00:20:02.16
If you had a low score for that,
you'd be one of those people
00:20:02.20\00:20:04.70
that would try to sweep
the problem under the rug
00:20:04.73\00:20:08.50
and hope that it goes away
and hope that Vania doesn't
00:20:08.54\00:20:11.04
see the bump under
the carpet. Yes. Exactly.
00:20:11.07\00:20:13.31
That's how people operate when
they have low interactivity,
00:20:13.38\00:20:15.88
but neither of you do, so
that's also a really good thing.
00:20:15.91\00:20:18.25
Quality time - neither of you
spend excessive amount of time
00:20:19.18\00:20:22.75
on devices.
00:20:22.78\00:20:24.29
If you did, that
would have been a low score.
00:20:24.32\00:20:26.09
Quality time just
means you have a high amount
00:20:26.12\00:20:28.36
of quality time to
give to your partner.
00:20:28.39\00:20:32.06
If he were into video
games, Vania, as you know,
00:20:32.09\00:20:34.90
thousands of men
are today... men I say,
00:20:34.93\00:20:38.47
not boys, but men,
adults now, thousands and I know
00:20:38.50\00:20:43.27
several of them are my clients
and they sneak out of their
00:20:43.30\00:20:48.11
bedroom at night and 3 o'clock
in the morning they are on
00:20:48.14\00:20:53.18
a device or they are on the
computer and they're gaming...
00:20:53.21\00:20:57.42
And this is a huge
problem in this country.
00:20:57.49\00:21:00.79
You guys don't have
to worry about that,
00:21:00.86\00:21:02.19
so this is really excellent.
00:21:02.22\00:21:04.03
Now I'm going to
push you a little harder,
00:21:04.06\00:21:06.73
a little step further here.
00:21:06.80\00:21:08.13
I'm going to ask you
guys when we're finished
00:21:08.16\00:21:10.77
to do another test - it's
called "The Perception Test."
00:21:10.80\00:21:12.80
What that does is
it will, for you Vania,
00:21:14.30\00:21:17.77
you will take the test and
you will think about what you
00:21:17.84\00:21:21.38
think Jeremiah's
highs and lows are,
00:21:21.41\00:21:24.18
what his needs are and,
Jeremiah, you will take the
00:21:24.25\00:21:26.51
Perception Test for Vania. Okay
00:21:26.55\00:21:28.65
And it will tell
you... here's the thing,
00:21:28.68\00:21:30.29
a lot of couples feel
that they know their partner
00:21:30.32\00:21:33.89
and then when this test
comes back, the partner is like,
00:21:33.96\00:21:36.46
"But I don't like that at
all, whatever gave you that
00:21:36.49\00:21:38.93
impression... have you
been doing this all the time
00:21:38.96\00:21:40.50
because you thought
I liked it? I don't."
00:21:40.53\00:21:42.80
And this is what the
Perception Test does,
00:21:43.20\00:21:44.80
it clears up any discrepancy,
so you guys look really good.
00:21:44.83\00:21:48.40
test-wise and that, I
think, is the last test
00:21:48.44\00:21:50.61
that you would need to take
so that we could be sure that
00:21:50.64\00:21:52.84
there's clarity in what you guys
want out of this relationship.
00:21:52.87\00:21:56.58
Does that make
sense? That makes sense. Yes
00:21:56.61\00:21:58.28
Okay, so let's turn our
attention now to bonding.
00:21:58.31\00:22:03.18
I mentioned that we
have two personalities...
00:22:03.22\00:22:05.82
We have a social personality
00:22:05.85\00:22:07.66
and we have a
relational personality.
00:22:07.69\00:22:09.79
Now you guys
were very fortunate...
00:22:09.82\00:22:12.69
Before you heard about XY
Theory, you found each other,
00:22:12.73\00:22:14.93
and, of course, I know you
prayed and I know God helped
00:22:14.96\00:22:17.57
you and you feel very
confident and comfortable with
00:22:17.60\00:22:20.64
your relationship,
but you were fortunate
00:22:20.67\00:22:24.01
because only 25% of
couples who have no knowledge of
00:22:24.04\00:22:30.48
XY Theory are able
to be fortunate enough
00:22:30.55\00:22:33.72
to find a match.
00:22:33.75\00:22:35.32
So 75% of those who just
go out and say, you know,
00:22:35.35\00:22:38.62
Let me go here, let me go there,
let me go to this function
00:22:38.65\00:22:42.39
and see if I find someone,
they have a 1 in 4 chance
00:22:42.42\00:22:45.03
of finding someone that
they have a match with. Okay
00:22:45.06\00:22:47.83
So you guys got fortunate.
00:22:47.86\00:22:49.36
Again, the reason for
that is "social bonding."
00:22:49.40\00:22:52.20
Your social
personality is intent on...
00:22:52.23\00:22:55.17
remember it's goal-oriented,
and I know if it were a person
00:22:55.20\00:22:59.61
you would say, "Aww social
personality is trying to help,"
00:22:59.64\00:23:02.84
but it's not being helpful,
00:23:02.88\00:23:04.75
it's goal-oriented,
so think about this...
00:23:04.78\00:23:06.72
When you go on the job,
you don't get fired because
00:23:06.75\00:23:10.79
you know what the
boss wants and you do it.
00:23:11.05\00:23:14.66
You get there on time,
the boss may say something
00:23:14.69\00:23:18.26
really, really crazy to
you; you don't answer back
00:23:18.29\00:23:20.83
because you're
trying to keep your job...
00:23:20.90\00:23:22.70
And what helps you to do
that is your social personality.
00:23:22.73\00:23:25.73
Everywhere you go,
whether it's the workplace,
00:23:25.77\00:23:28.40
whether it's church,
wherever you go, your social
00:23:28.44\00:23:30.91
personality is at work.
00:23:30.94\00:23:32.27
Unfortunately also with dating.
00:23:32.31\00:23:34.91
So it makes you into
whatever you need to be
00:23:34.94\00:23:38.28
so that she can fall in
love with you and vice versa
00:23:38.31\00:23:41.85
even if that's not
who you really are.
00:23:41.88\00:23:44.02
So some of us call
this the "social persona"
00:23:44.09\00:23:46.52
instead of
personality meaning a "mask."
00:23:46.55\00:23:48.56
So a mask goes on and
then she doesn't know really
00:23:48.59\00:23:51.56
who you are
until you take it off.
00:23:51.59\00:23:52.93
You guys don't have to
worry about this. That's right.
00:23:52.96\00:23:54.30
The tests showed that
you were very fortunate.
00:23:54.33\00:23:55.70
But here's the thing...
it's such a big problem that
00:23:55.73\00:23:58.30
researchers and scientists
actually gave it a name.
00:23:58.33\00:24:00.54
They call it "The
Newness Principle,"
00:24:00.57\00:24:02.34
and how it works is this:
00:24:02.37\00:24:03.71
When you get inside
of the relationship,
00:24:03.74\00:24:05.71
inside of the marriage,
we have a lot of wives who
00:24:05.74\00:24:08.14
complain that their
husbands are nicer to people
00:24:08.18\00:24:11.58
on the outside than
they are to them at home,
00:24:11.61\00:24:14.42
and it's
happening - it's epidemic.
00:24:14.45\00:24:17.29
So here are some
things: 50% of lovers show more
00:24:17.32\00:24:21.09
courtesy to
coworkers and colleagues, 50%.
00:24:21.12\00:24:24.39
Intimates - People who are
intimate with each other...
00:24:24.43\00:24:27.20
Intimates complain that
they get more criticism,
00:24:27.23\00:24:29.46
more harsh tones
and less appreciation.
00:24:29.50\00:24:31.63
So there are a lot of
wives who are complaining
00:24:31.67\00:24:33.44
that their husbands actually
raise their voice with them
00:24:33.47\00:24:36.34
way, way, way more than they
00:24:36.37\00:24:37.84
would at anybody
else on the outside. Wow
00:24:37.87\00:24:40.88
They credit this to
fatigue from dealing
00:24:40.91\00:24:44.05
with the same
family member for years.
00:24:44.08\00:24:47.12
This is their excuse...
"I've been dealing with you
00:24:47.15\00:24:48.98
for 50 years and I'm tired
and this is the reason I have to
00:24:49.02\00:24:51.52
raise my voice sometimes because
you're doing the same thing
00:24:51.55\00:24:53.36
and I just have
to raise my voice,
00:24:53.39\00:24:54.79
there's nothing else
I can do, and I'm blunt,
00:24:54.82\00:24:56.29
you know I'm blunt -
I tell you like it is."
00:24:56.32\00:24:58.29
This is the complaint.
00:24:58.33\00:25:00.20
Well, as it turns out, it
sounds a little weird to me...
00:25:00.23\00:25:04.30
Why? Consider how long
some of us stay on our jobs.
00:25:04.33\00:25:07.80
Some people stay 15,
30, 40 years on their jobs,
00:25:07.84\00:25:11.57
and how is it that they
don't get tired and fatigued
00:25:11.61\00:25:15.91
of the person that
they are employed by?
00:25:15.94\00:25:18.78
If fatigue is the actual factor,
but it's not because, you see,
00:25:18.81\00:25:23.49
nobody does.
00:25:23.52\00:25:25.02
So here's the thing...
There's one thing I want
00:25:25.05\00:25:30.43
you guys to guard
against because everything here
00:25:30.46\00:25:32.09
looks good and
it's the effect of pain.
00:25:32.13\00:25:36.20
So what they found is that
pain reorganizes your brain.
00:25:36.23\00:25:40.84
It actually reorganizes,
rewires your brain cells.
00:25:40.87\00:25:45.07
Now if you're
single, that works fine.
00:25:45.11\00:25:49.31
If you're single,
what that means is...
00:25:49.34\00:25:51.58
You get your neurons rearranged
so that you could actually
00:25:51.61\00:25:55.72
leave the person that you're
with that you shouldn't be with.
00:25:55.75\00:25:57.82
So it's like a reorganization,
like a cleansing to prepare you
00:25:57.85\00:26:01.72
for the next person. Okay
00:26:01.76\00:26:03.16
But the problem is.. If
you stay in the relationship
00:26:03.19\00:26:06.16
too long, the rewiring
is extreme and instead of
00:26:06.19\00:26:11.37
being prepared to leave...
you now have what they call
00:26:11.40\00:26:13.77
PTSD - posttraumatic
stress disorder relationally,
00:26:13.84\00:26:18.17
so now you're now prepared
to leave to go to anyone
00:26:18.21\00:26:21.64
because now you need
2, 3, 4 years of healing
00:26:21.68\00:26:24.91
because you waited too long
and the pain was too severe.
00:26:24.95\00:26:28.72
So I'm encouraging you
both if you find yourself having
00:26:28.75\00:26:32.79
any problems -
don't wait! Exactly
00:26:32.82\00:26:35.22
Don't wait until
you're at stage 5,
00:26:35.26\00:26:37.83
you know the last stage in an XY
relationship - seek some help.
00:26:37.86\00:26:41.63
You know, get a professional
that could help you.
00:26:41.66\00:26:43.80
Okay, I would like to
turn our attention quickly to
00:26:43.87\00:26:47.04
a spiritual application
and I have a question for you,
00:26:47.07\00:26:49.87
and here's the question...
"Why is the divorce rate
00:26:49.90\00:26:53.17
for ministers so much
higher than their own members?"
00:26:53.21\00:26:56.75
It's a fact and I'm not
just saying the church that
00:26:56.78\00:26:59.05
you guys attend, globally
the divorce rate is higher
00:26:59.08\00:27:02.68
for ministers and members.
00:27:02.72\00:27:04.82
Why do you think that is?
00:27:04.85\00:27:06.19
I think ministers tend to
take their job very seriously,
00:27:06.22\00:27:10.23
and because it's about
God, they justify everything...
00:27:10.26\00:27:15.40
Like they justify the fact
that they're not home enough,
00:27:15.43\00:27:18.77
they don't spend enough
time with the wife and the kids,
00:27:18.80\00:27:22.50
and so the priority is
too high and because of that
00:27:22.54\00:27:28.08
maybe they assume that
the wife should understand
00:27:28.11\00:27:31.75
because they're working for God.
00:27:31.78\00:27:33.75
So it's basically not balanced
and, yeah, the family needs to
00:27:33.82\00:27:39.52
understand and at some point...
00:27:39.55\00:27:41.09
So work for God trumps working
for the family. Um hm. I agree.
00:27:41.12\00:27:44.79
All right, this has
been wonderful, so you guys
00:27:45.56\00:27:48.46
are going to take this
Perception Test. We will. Yes.
00:27:48.50\00:27:49.93
And, I'm very excited to
see what those results will be
00:27:50.90\00:27:54.30
when we meet
again. Me too. Awesome!
00:27:54.34\00:27:56.34
Thank you! All right, thank you!
00:27:56.37\00:27:58.14