Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob.
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Today, we have with us,
Yvette, Miles and Bianca.
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Welcome! Thank you!
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At our last season,
we covered communication
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and intimacy and how
these two impact relationships,
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so what we'll do today
is we'll do a little recap
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on some of those
themes that we covered.
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So it's based on a
theory called "XY Theory,"
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and basically what this means
is that we are needs-driven
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when it comes to relationships.
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If you do not get your
needs met in a relationship,
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the relationship
is doomed to fail.
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So let's look at
communication first.
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The traditional view
is... how couples communicate
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or the style that they
use affects the relationship.
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According to XY Theory
and the research that we've
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done, what we've found
is not how they communicate,
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but how much they
actually communicate.
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It's the same
thing with intimacy.
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The traditional view is...
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Well what kind of
intimacy do you like?
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Do you like romance,
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Do you like gifts, you
know, that sort of thing.
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What we found, however,
is how much you're getting of
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each of those things is what
will determine whether or not
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the relationship
succeeds or fails.
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So let me share a
statistic with you...
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25% of singles in this
country will never marry. Wow
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But it gets even more
stark when you look at the
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ethnicities.
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So 16% of whites
will never marry,
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but for African-Americans
it's 36 to 40%. Yeah!
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Not very encouraging.
So let me ask you guys...
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You guys are all accomplished,
attractive, single,
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available - I
assume. That's correct!
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So tell me, why do you
guys think that we have such a
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hard time finding someone?
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Well for me, it's not
necessarily the lack of
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opportunity, at
least when I was in school,
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there were opportunities,
but I was in school,
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I was focused in the
direction that I wanted to go
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so, you know, you end
up I guess in a sense,
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missing out on those
opportunities and for someone
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who wants to have a serious
relationship, I guess it can
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kind of hurt them in
that way because afterwards
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there really aren't as
many opportunities. Right
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So it would have been nice
if somebody shared with you
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the research on that
which is the best time to find
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someone is in your
20s, from 20 to 30.
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If you wait until you
get to 30 or if you wait
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until you graduate, it
becomes progressively harder.
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Now if you had known
that, you would study a little
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and socialize a little, right?
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So failure to do that, of
course, presents a problem.
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Anyone else?
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Well for me, personally,
in my college years, my 20s,
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I wasn't really focusing that
much on a serious relationship,
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I was just focusing on meeting
new people and having fun,
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and things like that
and then as I grew older,
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one of the reasons why I
haven't found a sustainable
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relationship is
because of my standards...
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You know, I'm
growing closer in Christ
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and things like
that, so,` so many people I
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come in contact with,
they don't have some of the
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same values and
things like that,
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so I don't want to necessarily
settle or just go with
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date anybody, you
know, like that so,
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I'm kind of reserved
in that aspect because
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I want to meet people,
but you gotta have the same
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values as I do, so
that's part of the reason. Right
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In my case, I was
married, I'm divorced,
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but I think that singles should
really socialize a bit more,
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go out, visit other
churches so that you can meet
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other singles
because for most of us,
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our routine is
work, church and home,
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and so, therefore,
in our churches there
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aren't that many
singles who are eligible...
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And so, year after year, you
remain in the same environment
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and so you don't
meet anyone. Right
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So let me share
another statistic...
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90% of singles
in a relationship,
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so they're couples,
but they're not married,
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90% of them will not
make it to the altar with the
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person that they're dating
at that time, so just 10% will.
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Yeah, that's not
encouraging either. No
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But here's the problem...
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The problem is that even in
XY Theory, opposites attract.
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You've heard about
opposites attracting, right?
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In XY Theory, if you are
an X- type and I know that
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you don't know what an X-type
is yet, but we'll get to that.
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If you're an X-type personality,
you tend to be attracted
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to the opposite which
is the Y- type; however,
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the opposite is
attractive, but not adhesive.
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Does that make
sense? Makes sense.
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So you'd be attracted to
the person because they have
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what you don't, so if
you're a quiet person,
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if you like your solitude, your
quiet time, your private time,
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you would be attracted to
somebody that is more outgoing
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because they would supply
the things that you don't have.
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But once you get
within the relationship,
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that becomes an annoyance.
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At that point, you want
somebody that is more like you,
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so you see how your personality
kind of trips you up. Right
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Before we get to the
end of these sessions,
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I will have you guys take
your personality test. Okay
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I want you to see what
your personality really is
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because your personality
is driving how you date,
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and it's not helping you,
it's actually preventing you
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from meeting the person
that you should meet. Wow
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So to fix that you have
to at least know what it is
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so you know
what to adjust. Okay?
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All right, before
we do that however,
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I'd like us to take a look
at the stages of a relationship.
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There are five stages and a
lot of times we don't succeed
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in finding someone
simply because we don't know
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where we're at with regard to
the stages and what's going on.
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So let's take a look...
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So the first stage
is the attraction phase.
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Now if you were to
look, let's say if you were to
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Google it and try to
find what are the stages
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of a relationship,
everyone skips the first stage.
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They go straight into the
infatuation stage which assumes
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that you've
already found the person,
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but the
relationship really begins long
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before you find that person.
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It begins when you're looking,
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that's where you
make the mistake.
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Not so much
inside but in choosing,
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so I had the attraction
phase put right there on the top
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so you will know
that it's in attracting
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that you make the mistake.
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So chances are, you
will attract the wrong person
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because, again, you'll
attract someone that has the
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opposite of what you
are and unfortunately
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the opposite of
what you need. Okay?
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So the second
stage is the infatuation
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or attraction stage.
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Now this stage, a lot
of singles get tripped up
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right here because of hormones.
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It's completely
hormone driven, completely
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from the first time you
lay eyes on the individual
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your hormones will
tell you whether or not
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this is the type of
person that you need.
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And, unfortunately a
lot of young men are driven
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by the hormone dopamine,
we'll get into that later on,
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but dopamine forces you to
make choices that have nothing
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to do with anything noble
or anything... yes exactly
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Poor men... And so
poor men, poor women!
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Poor women because if the
man is driven by something
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other than, you know,
something that is noble
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as I said, you won't
know it. The woman suffers.
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Yeah, you won't know it.
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As the female, you won't know,
you'll go on a date with him
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his brain and his hormones
actually would assist him
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in saying anything he needs
to say to you to convince you
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that he's not the type of man
that you would stay away from.
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So this isn't even
something malicious and Miles,
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I'm picking on you - I know
this is something that you'd
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never do - I am sure that
you absolutely never do anything
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other than what is noble, right?
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So I'm just picking on
you. That's why I'm here!
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But let's suppose, yeah
let's suppose it's not Miles.
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Miles will look at
you and he will think,
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"Okay she's pretty, I'd
like to get to know her."
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And then dopamine kicks
in and what Miles should
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do is treat you like a
lady, you know, do everything
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that a young man with
good morals should do,
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but dopamine gets
the better of him and
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before you know it, his
goals have changed somewhat,
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but you don't know it.
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His hormones will allow
him to mask that so that you
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don't see it.
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Also if you are an X-type
which really means that you have
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higher needs for
affection and attention,
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when you get those
from Miles, guess what?
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You're forgetting the
whole idea of checking him out
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to make sure that he is
legit, to make sure that he's
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bringing what you
really want because
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you're getting
now what you need.
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Remember this is a
needs-based model. Right?
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And then there are
other hormones that actually
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blind you to his faults.
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So Miles is a pretty tall guy,
but let's suppose you wanted a
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really short guy... I know
what are the chances of that?
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That's never
going to happen, right?
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But you are the rarest of
women, you want a guy that is
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5'2" and not 1" taller.
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And then Miles comes along
and he's 6 feet and you're like
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"Aww 6 feet tall, why are
you so tall, I wanted a really
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short guy, so that,
you know, I could look down
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when I'm talking to him, I
didn't want this tall guy."
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As an X, guess what you do?
00:10:02.46\00:10:04.90
You think to yourself,
"Hmm, but he's not that bad,
00:10:04.93\00:10:08.74
he has a nice
smile... but he's not that bad,
00:10:08.77\00:10:12.57
he listens to me."
00:10:12.61\00:10:14.41
If you're a Y, you'd
think, "He's not that bad,
00:10:14.44\00:10:17.38
he's a physician - security,
I'm going to go after this."
00:10:17.41\00:10:22.72
So hormones completely,
completely take over the
00:10:22.75\00:10:26.59
infatuation attraction
phase to make sure that now
00:10:26.62\00:10:29.92
that you've found a guy,
you continue with this one guy
00:10:29.96\00:10:34.36
that is the last guy
that can make you happy,
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and hormones are
responsible for that.
00:10:36.90\00:10:39.60
And then, guess what -
like any other chemical,
00:10:39.63\00:10:43.17
it does not
last, it cannot last.
00:10:43.20\00:10:46.41
This is the reason why you
go to the doctor and you will
00:10:46.44\00:10:48.81
take, let's say you were an
insomniac and you would take
00:10:48.84\00:10:51.51
medication for
your sleeplessness...
00:10:51.55\00:10:53.72
you'd notice that
after about a few months,
00:10:53.75\00:10:56.62
the medication doesn't
work anymore and you go back
00:10:56.65\00:10:58.62
to the doctor and then
they give you a stronger dose.
00:10:58.65\00:11:00.56
That's how your body
reacts to medication.
00:11:00.59\00:11:04.46
Same thing happens for drug use.
00:11:04.49\00:11:06.59
Drug users always
have to up their dose
00:11:06.63\00:11:08.90
which is what
makes it so dangerous.
00:11:08.93\00:11:11.27
Well, right here with the
hormones, it's the same thing.
00:11:11.30\00:11:14.50
The hormones are
going to wear off,
00:11:14.54\00:11:16.81
but here is how your
brain and these chemicals
00:11:16.84\00:11:21.21
intend to trick you...
00:11:21.24\00:11:22.58
They're not going to wear
off before you're attached.
00:11:22.61\00:11:26.78
They're going to wait
until you're really attached
00:11:26.82\00:11:28.65
in terms of emotionally or
they're going to wait until
00:11:28.68\00:11:31.45
you guys have
already made a commitment.
00:11:31.49\00:11:33.99
He's already bought the ring;
it's already on your finger;
00:11:34.02\00:11:37.46
you've already sent out
the invitations and then
00:11:37.49\00:11:42.66
you begin to notice...
"Ooo, he's 5'2," you know.
00:11:42.70\00:11:49.40
Or you begin to notice, "Ooo,
he's too tall," in your case.
00:11:49.44\00:11:53.98
Why are you noticing that now?
00:11:54.01\00:11:55.98
There are so many people
out there - thousands in fact,
00:11:56.01\00:12:00.08
that come to me and they
say, "How did I get here?"
00:12:00.12\00:12:02.42
"How did I get here, how is
it that I'm married to the last
00:12:02.45\00:12:05.39
man that I should be with?"
00:12:05.42\00:12:07.76
But it's very, very clear,
the hormones, especially the
00:12:07.79\00:12:12.03
blinding hormones
blinded you to this.
00:12:12.06\00:12:14.16
So by the time they wear off,
you're already in a commitment.
00:12:14.20\00:12:16.40
For some people, by
the time it wears off,
00:12:16.43\00:12:18.60
they're already
having their first child.
00:12:18.63\00:12:20.37
They have their first
child and they're thinking,
00:12:20.40\00:12:21.77
"I'm not going to walk away
now," or they're already married
00:12:21.80\00:12:25.07
and if they're religious
and if they're committed,
00:12:25.11\00:12:27.31
they think to themselves, "Well
I'm not going to walk away,
00:12:27.34\00:12:29.88
am I going to go and
tell my parents and my friends
00:12:29.91\00:12:32.15
that I'm leaving my house simply
because he won't talk to me?"
00:12:32.18\00:12:35.78
They're going to look at you
like you're crazy, right? Yeah
00:12:35.82\00:12:38.15
Right, and you're not going tell
somebody. Let's work it out.
00:12:38.19\00:12:40.12
Yes, they say work
it out, work it out!
00:12:40.56\00:12:41.89
Really,
communication, do you know how
00:12:41.92\00:12:43.26
hard it is to find a good man?
00:12:43.29\00:12:44.63
So what if he
doesn't talk at all?
00:12:44.66\00:12:46.36
Talk to your
friends, call your girlfriend,
00:12:46.39\00:12:48.66
that's what they
would say, right?
00:12:48.70\00:12:50.03
So tagging and learning.
00:12:50.07\00:12:51.77
So at this third stage,
the hormones have worn off
00:12:51.80\00:12:54.74
and guess what?
00:12:54.77\00:12:56.10
You begin to learn
who Miles really is,
00:12:56.14\00:12:58.87
or Yvette, you begin to learn
who the other guy really is.
00:12:58.91\00:13:02.91
And by now, it's too
late because you're already,
00:13:02.94\00:13:06.05
to some degree, hitched
in some way - whether it's
00:13:06.08\00:13:09.12
through marriage or
through an emotional bond. Okay?
00:13:09.15\00:13:13.36
So why do we use
the word "tagging?"
00:13:13.39\00:13:16.56
Personality - we call
them "personality tags,"
00:13:16.59\00:13:19.09
and you guys know
what tags are. Yeah
00:13:19.13\00:13:21.30
Each of you have
a personality tag.
00:13:21.33\00:13:23.30
When you take your test,
you will find out what that
00:13:23.33\00:13:26.10
personality tag is.
00:13:26.13\00:13:28.00
What you don't know is
that you've have had that tag
00:13:28.04\00:13:30.21
all your life - even
before you thought about dating,
00:13:30.24\00:13:35.11
even when you went to
second grade, the fourth grade
00:13:35.14\00:13:38.55
when you were playing
with the boys and had no idea
00:13:38.58\00:13:42.22
whatsoever that you'd ever
want to be with one of them.
00:13:42.25\00:13:44.89
Even then you had a personality
tag that you would wear
00:13:44.92\00:13:48.52
for the rest of your
life and that's the tag
00:13:48.56\00:13:51.29
that you're going to find
out about when we actually
00:13:51.33\00:13:53.23
have you guys tested.
00:13:53.26\00:13:54.60
Okay, let's just assume
that you made it through
00:13:54.63\00:13:57.07
the third stage - you've
learned everything you needed
00:13:57.10\00:14:00.54
to learn about Miles and you
found out, "Hey, you know what?"
00:14:00.57\00:14:03.27
"I could live with this."
00:14:03.30\00:14:04.64
So you go into the fourth stage.
00:14:04.67\00:14:07.11
Guess what happens?
00:14:07.14\00:14:08.48
A power struggle.
00:14:08.51\00:14:10.48
In every relationship,
someone is usually in control.
00:14:10.51\00:14:13.98
It's very rare that you find
a couple where they relinquish
00:14:14.02\00:14:18.05
control and say, "You
know what, my wife makes
00:14:18.09\00:14:20.82
all the decisions, why
don't you go and ask her?"
00:14:20.86\00:14:23.86
That's rare and what
really should happen is...
00:14:23.89\00:14:26.70
when you go to the
wife, she could say,
00:14:26.73\00:14:29.33
"My husband makes
all the decisions,
00:14:29.36\00:14:30.93
why don't you ask him?"
00:14:30.97\00:14:32.30
So what that really means is
that they're sharing the power.
00:14:32.33\00:14:35.14
They're sharing - you
know, so there's no power
00:14:35.17\00:14:37.47
struggle here because
sometimes she will make the
00:14:37.51\00:14:40.51
decision and sometimes he
he will make the decision. Why?
00:14:40.54\00:14:42.54
Because we all have
strengths and weaknesses.
00:14:42.58\00:14:44.15
Maybe Miles is good financially
and maybe you're good with
00:14:44.18\00:14:49.78
cooking and the domestics
and taking care of the kids.
00:14:49.82\00:14:52.45
So you balance things out and
you don't make all the decisions
00:14:52.49\00:14:55.72
and he doesn't
make all the decisions.
00:14:55.76\00:14:57.43
That's how you avoid a power
struggle, but unfortunately,
00:14:57.46\00:15:00.66
unfortunately, most
relationships end right there
00:15:00.70\00:15:03.73
at level 4 because few
people really find a way to
00:15:03.77\00:15:08.40
get past this struggle, so
a lot of relationships end.
00:15:08.44\00:15:12.37
If they don't,
they go to stage 5.
00:15:12.41\00:15:16.34
It's what we call "oxytocin
bonding and connecting."
00:15:16.38\00:15:19.75
You guys will learn, as
we go on, that oxytocin is
00:15:19.78\00:15:22.18
the hormone most
responsible for bonding.
00:15:22.22\00:15:26.65
Here's the thing though,
oxytocin doesn't flow very well
00:15:26.69\00:15:30.16
when you're having fights and
when you're having arguments.
00:15:30.19\00:15:33.53
Okay? So if you make it
to stage 5, you have gotten
00:15:33.56\00:15:37.37
past all of the difficulties
of the first 4 stages,
00:15:37.40\00:15:40.74
and now you're bonding,
you're really settling into the
00:15:40.77\00:15:43.41
relationship and
you're happy with each other.
00:15:43.44\00:15:45.71
I have a question about
that, "Wouldn't oxytocin be
00:15:45.74\00:15:50.48
involved with that infatuation
stage, like wouldn't that be
00:15:50.51\00:15:53.85
involved with that
bonding earlier on as well?"
00:15:53.88\00:15:56.69
It could, but that
would be a mistake.
00:15:56.72\00:15:59.25
If oxytocin is involved...
oxytocin is like Super Glue,
00:15:59.29\00:16:03.79
I want you to
think of it that way...
00:16:03.83\00:16:05.73
For people that have
high levels of oxytocin,
00:16:05.76\00:16:08.30
usually the X-types,
when you find that person,
00:16:08.33\00:16:11.60
you've bonded to that person,
so think about Super Glue.
00:16:11.63\00:16:15.10
Super Glue is pretty strong,
if you had it on your finger
00:16:15.14\00:16:17.51
and you place it on the
desk and then you let it dry,
00:16:17.54\00:16:20.94
and you try to remove
your finger, you would lose
00:16:20.98\00:16:23.04
some of the skin. Right?
00:16:23.08\00:16:25.48
This is what oxytocin is like.
00:16:25.51\00:16:27.52
If you find yourself
bonded to someone who isn't yet
00:16:27.55\00:16:30.55
bonded to you and you
knew that you had only
00:16:30.59\00:16:34.06
a 10% chance of walking down
the aisle with this individual,
00:16:34.09\00:16:37.66
wouldn't that be a
dangerous situation? Right
00:16:37.69\00:16:39.93
Right... To avoid this,
I'm going to have you guys
00:16:39.96\00:16:43.30
go now and take that
test and we will see what
00:16:43.33\00:16:46.23
your results look like in
our next episode. All right!
00:16:46.27\00:16:49.74
Thank you! Thank you!
00:16:49.77\00:16:51.11
Welcome back! We
are now joined by
00:16:58.25\00:17:01.32
Vania and Jeremiah, welcome!
00:17:01.35\00:17:03.85
Thank you for
having us. Thank you!
00:17:03.89\00:17:05.29
So how long have
you guys been married?
00:17:05.32\00:17:07.09
We've been married
for 2-1/2 years now.
00:17:07.12\00:17:09.26
Two-and-a-half years
and you guys look like the
00:17:09.29\00:17:11.49
happy couple.
00:17:11.53\00:17:12.86
Well thank you. Am I right?
00:17:12.89\00:17:14.23
Thank you, yes, definitely. Yes
00:17:14.46\00:17:16.20
Okay, so what we'll do today,
00:17:16.23\00:17:17.63
we'll talk a
little bit about couples.
00:17:17.67\00:17:20.80
As you know,
marriages and relationships
00:17:20.84\00:17:23.91
are in a lot of
trouble these days.
00:17:23.94\00:17:26.37
Very few people are
happy in them and divorce rate
00:17:26.41\00:17:30.21
has skyrocketed.
00:17:30.25\00:17:31.65
So what we'll do is...
we'll look at the stages
00:17:31.68\00:17:34.28
of a relationship, okay?
00:17:34.52\00:17:36.62
But before we do that,
I have to tell you that
00:17:36.65\00:17:39.12
at the end of this, I'm
going to have you guys take
00:17:39.15\00:17:41.12
a test - I hope
that's not too scary for you,
00:17:41.16\00:17:43.93
but the test is
going to be very helpful.
00:17:43.96\00:17:45.83
It will get into
the relationship,
00:17:45.86\00:17:47.53
you'll use your
relationship personality,
00:17:47.56\00:17:49.06
and very often the two
are completely different.
00:17:49.10\00:17:53.54
So what the test does
is... it will tell you what your
00:17:53.57\00:17:56.57
relationship personality is.
00:17:56.60\00:17:58.07
My guess is, if you guys have
been together for 2-1/2 years,
00:17:58.11\00:18:00.78
you already know
what Vania is like.
00:18:00.81\00:18:02.88
I was gonna say, we have
been together for 2-1/2 years,
00:18:02.91\00:18:06.01
I think I know what she is like.
00:18:06.05\00:18:07.42
It's going to be
very hard to hide it
00:18:07.45\00:18:08.78
for 2-1/2 years, right? Exactly.
00:18:08.82\00:18:10.15
Even though I've heard of
people who hid who they were for
00:18:10.19\00:18:12.12
5 years, even 10
years. It would be a surprise.
00:18:12.15\00:18:14.62
And Vania, I'm sure
you know what Jeremiah
00:18:14.66\00:18:16.42
is all about by
now. Yes, definitely!
00:18:16.46\00:18:18.49
I'm excited to
see the results. Yeah?
00:18:18.53\00:18:20.56
So the personality test should
not come as a surprise to you.
00:18:20.60\00:18:23.47
What might come as a surprise,
however, is that when we test
00:18:23.50\00:18:26.43
the couples, we found that
about 85% of couples were in
00:18:26.47\00:18:31.41
a mismatched what we
call an XY relationship.
00:18:31.44\00:18:35.11
You cannot judge this by
the divorce rate because a
00:18:35.14\00:18:38.58
lot of couples stay
together for a lot of reasons
00:18:38.61\00:18:40.38
including religious commitment,
the children, finances,
00:18:40.42\00:18:44.69
you know, but it doesn't
mean that they are all happy.
00:18:44.72\00:18:48.16
In fact, we even know what
percentage of those that stay
00:18:48.19\00:18:51.09
together are happy and
it's lower than 25%. Wow
00:18:51.13\00:18:54.36
So, we'll take this
test when we're done and
00:18:54.40\00:18:56.83
I don't expect that
we're going to get any
00:18:56.87\00:18:58.77
horrible
surprises. Okay? All right.
00:18:58.80\00:19:01.30
Yeah, you'll be
fine, you'll be fine.
00:19:01.34\00:19:03.81
So let's turn our attention
now to the five stages of
00:19:03.84\00:19:06.37
an XY relationship.
00:19:06.41\00:19:07.91
So here we are... so
the first stage is the
00:19:07.94\00:19:11.35
idealism and optimism stage.
00:19:11.38\00:19:13.58
So this actually starts before
you even commit to each other,
00:19:13.62\00:19:18.65
and you're very idealistic.
00:19:18.69\00:19:20.66
It's also hormone-driven
which means hormones are
00:19:20.69\00:19:24.09
responsible for whether or
not you found Vania attractive,
00:19:24.13\00:19:27.00
and Vania, the same for you.
00:19:27.03\00:19:29.70
Now when you first
meet, you're very idealistic
00:19:29.73\00:19:32.37
and by that I mean...
if anyone told you that
00:19:32.40\00:19:35.44
you guys would have rocky
years or, you know, distress
00:19:35.47\00:19:40.28
in the relationship,
fights, maybe even a breakup,
00:19:40.31\00:19:43.55
you would want to
throw them out of the room.
00:19:43.58\00:19:46.15
Why? Because in the beginning,
your hormones succeed in
00:19:46.18\00:19:49.78
convincing you that
nothing can go wrong.
00:19:49.82\00:19:54.16
Specific hormones like serotonin
gives you that giddy feeling
00:19:54.19\00:19:59.06
when you first meet someone,
the butterflies in the stomach,
00:19:59.09\00:20:01.73
all of that comes from
hormones and convinces you...
00:20:01.76\00:20:04.63
This is it! She's the one!
00:20:04.67\00:20:06.57
And you look at
him and you think...
00:20:06.60\00:20:08.04
"This is my
knight in shining armor,
00:20:08.07\00:20:10.01
he's the one
I've been waiting for
00:20:10.04\00:20:12.61
10, 15, 20, 30 years to find."
00:20:12.64\00:20:15.14
So this is the
idealism or optimism stage,
00:20:15.18\00:20:18.15
so you're very
optimistic, not realistic.
00:20:18.18\00:20:21.12
Okay, this
doesn't last very long.
00:20:21.18\00:20:24.52
Once again, the
hormones retreat eventually,
00:20:24.55\00:20:28.56
and when they retreat, you are
left with your eyes wide open.
00:20:28.59\00:20:32.93
Okay, like how
long does it last?
00:20:32.96\00:20:34.66
The research is
showing somewhere between
00:20:34.70\00:20:37.47
3 months and 2 years. Okay
00:20:37.50\00:20:39.80
Long enough for you to
say, "I do," and get married.
00:20:39.83\00:20:44.84
Yeah, so about 2 years.
00:20:44.87\00:20:47.58
When those hormones retreat,
however, you will see everything
00:20:47.61\00:20:51.65
very, very clearly and some of
the things that you saw before,
00:20:51.68\00:20:54.88
and you thought was so
cute, you just liked how she
00:20:54.92\00:20:58.22
did her hair when she's nervous
and then the hormones retreat
00:20:58.25\00:21:01.59
and you're like, "Ahh,
does she have to do that
00:21:01.62\00:21:03.39
annoying thing
with her hair again?"
00:21:03.43\00:21:04.89
That's how hormones work! Okay
00:21:04.93\00:21:07.33
But now you're in
stage 2 and it's realism.
00:21:07.36\00:21:09.80
The realism causes dissonance
and dissonance really means
00:21:09.83\00:21:13.17
that you are
discomforted inside.
00:21:13.20\00:21:14.64
I mean, you
begin to ask yourself,
00:21:14.67\00:21:16.37
"Did I make a mistake, am I
married to the right person?"
00:21:16.40\00:21:20.78
Now this is often on
the other side of "I do."
00:21:20.81\00:21:25.65
You've already
committed to each other,
00:21:25.68\00:21:28.65
and now you're seeing everything
clearly and what do you do?
00:21:28.68\00:21:30.79
The things that you're
seeing, a lot of the things
00:21:31.45\00:21:33.05
that you're seeing seem trivial.
00:21:33.09\00:21:34.79
So you don't like the
fact that he won't put the bowl
00:21:34.82\00:21:38.43
down after he uses
the toilet, just to say,
00:21:38.46\00:21:42.63
just to give you an example...
00:21:42.66\00:21:44.00
You don't like the fact that she
doesn't roll up the toothpaste
00:21:44.03\00:21:48.67
when she's using it...
so that you always have to
00:21:48.70\00:21:52.11
come and find it
squished in the middle. Yeah
00:21:52.14\00:21:55.04
And before, it wasn't
a problem in part because
00:21:55.08\00:21:57.71
you guys weren't living
together so you didn't know.
00:21:57.75\00:22:00.12
But even after you found out
in the first months of marriage,
00:22:00.15\00:22:02.75
you thought, "I
could live with this."
00:22:03.05\00:22:04.89
Now, 2 years in, you're
thinking, "What is so hard
00:22:04.92\00:22:09.69
for a person to remember
to squeeze the toothpaste
00:22:09.72\00:22:13.56
from the bottom up."
00:22:13.60\00:22:14.93
Why do you have to repeat this
over and over and over again?
00:22:14.96\00:22:18.50
Right?
00:22:18.53\00:22:19.87
So it begins to cause a
little bit of dissonance,
00:22:19.90\00:22:22.74
a little bit of discomfort.
00:22:22.77\00:22:24.11
A lot of
marriages end right here.
00:22:24.14\00:22:25.77
In fact, at that
2-year mark, it's a dangerous
00:22:25.81\00:22:28.44
time for marriages, a
lot of them end because
00:22:28.48\00:22:30.85
right then and there,
people think to themselves,
00:22:30.88\00:22:32.68
"This isn't going to change."
00:22:32.71\00:22:34.22
They've already made
the effort to get the
00:22:34.25\00:22:36.15
individual to change
and there are no changes.
00:22:36.18\00:22:38.02
A question that comes to mind...
So if a couple finds themselves
00:22:38.05\00:22:41.36
at that threshold,
where they are now questioning
00:22:41.39\00:22:43.53
whether they've
met the right person,
00:22:43.56\00:22:45.26
what are some options
that they can consider
00:22:45.29\00:22:47.50
before they make an
ultimate decision that could
00:22:47.53\00:22:49.96
alter the
outcome of their lives.
00:22:50.00\00:22:51.33
Oh you mean,
before they get there?
00:22:51.37\00:22:52.70
No, no, like if they
are at that 2-year period
00:22:52.73\00:22:54.14
and they're not thinking,
"Okay, maybe I'm with the
00:22:54.17\00:22:56.87
wrong person, maybe I
should think about moving on."
00:22:56.91\00:22:59.11
That would be a good
time to get some counseling
00:22:59.14\00:23:00.64
or some coaching. Okay
00:23:00.68\00:23:02.18
Of course we recommend
XY coaching simply because
00:23:02.21\00:23:04.85
we know what we're looking for,
we know what the markers are,
00:23:04.88\00:23:07.98
and not just a
general, you know, intervention
00:23:08.02\00:23:10.95
that you would have. Okay?
00:23:10.99\00:23:12.79
So the next stage is
overcompensation, recommitment,
00:23:12.82\00:23:20.86
and resignation.
00:23:20.90\00:23:22.23
So here's the thing...
So you guys are in trouble,
00:23:22.26\00:23:24.17
and you're thinking, "I
don't want to give up on Vania."
00:23:24.20\00:23:27.67
So you know what you do?
00:23:27.70\00:23:29.20
You overcompensate,
you try a little harder
00:23:29.24\00:23:33.41
because you want to keep her.
00:23:33.44\00:23:34.94
You know she's unhappy,
but you're not going to resign
00:23:34.98\00:23:37.65
yet, you're going to
give it your best shot.
00:23:37.68\00:23:39.81
So that stage is called,
"overcompensation stage."
00:23:39.85\00:23:42.62
And then after that,
if there's still no change
00:23:42.65\00:23:46.15
in the relationship, then you
get to the "resentment phase"
00:23:46.19\00:23:49.32
which is the fourth phase.
00:23:49.36\00:23:51.29
So that's resentment and
resentment turns to despair
00:23:51.33\00:23:54.13
and then anger;
00:23:54.16\00:23:55.56
Now a lot of couples come
to me when they're in stage 4,
00:23:55.60\00:23:59.03
and they're seeking
help when they're in stage 4,
00:23:59.07\00:24:00.77
but by stage 4,
you're already very angry,
00:24:00.80\00:24:03.67
and sometimes there is
very little anyone can do,
00:24:03.71\00:24:06.21
and the resentment has
already built up and that's
00:24:06.24\00:24:07.91
very hard to reverse. Right
00:24:07.94\00:24:09.98
If that is allowed
to take its course,
00:24:10.01\00:24:12.18
then the next
stage is "ambiguity."
00:24:12.21\00:24:15.35
Ambiguity means this...
Let's say you had an aunt that
00:24:15.38\00:24:20.42
you loved a lot and
she had Alzheimer's.
00:24:20.46\00:24:23.96
She got to the point where
she didn't know you anymore,
00:24:23.99\00:24:26.70
but you still visited.
00:24:26.73\00:24:28.43
For all intense and purposes,
the relationship is over.
00:24:28.46\00:24:31.73
She doesn't know your name,
but you continue to visit...
00:24:31.77\00:24:36.37
that's ambiguity.
00:24:36.40\00:24:37.84
In a relationship, it's
horrendous because it's over.
00:24:37.87\00:24:40.91
You're just not leaving,
and there are a lot of couples
00:24:40.94\00:24:44.31
that find themselves in that
stage, that's the fifth stage.
00:24:44.35\00:24:46.75
Some withdraw and
stay in the relationship,
00:24:46.78\00:24:50.32
and some separate
and file for a divorce.
00:24:50.35\00:24:52.72
Does that make
sense? It makes sense.
00:24:52.75\00:24:54.69
Okay, I was thinking to myself,
however, as I thought about
00:24:54.72\00:24:58.33
the two of you - that
there are a lot of people who
00:24:58.36\00:25:01.06
don't find themselves in
happy relationships simply
00:25:01.10\00:25:05.40
because they intend to be
traditional and right now,
00:25:05.43\00:25:09.34
I'm thinking in spiritual
terms because I run across
00:25:09.37\00:25:12.64
a lot of people
who, when I talk to them,
00:25:12.67\00:25:14.91
and I ask, "Well
how did you guys meet?"
00:25:14.94\00:25:17.35
And they give me some of
the very traditional answers...
00:25:17.38\00:25:20.42
"Oh I meet singles" and
I say, "Why are you guys
00:25:20.45\00:25:22.82
not meeting someone?" And
they say, "Well, you know,
00:25:22.85\00:25:24.72
I'm a female and, traditionally,
the guy needs to come to me."
00:25:24.75\00:25:28.19
And I say, "Well if the
guy isn't coming to you,
00:25:28.22\00:25:30.09
shouldn't you go to the guy?"
00:25:30.13\00:25:32.33
So I think about
couples in the Bible like Naomi,
00:25:32.36\00:25:36.10
and Ruth and just think
about how they strategized to
00:25:36.13\00:25:40.50
get Boaz... you
remember the story?
00:25:40.54\00:25:43.81
I remember the story, yeah.
00:25:43.84\00:25:45.17
Naomi told her exactly
where to go, who to look for,
00:25:45.21\00:25:48.01
how long to spend
there, what to say to him...
00:25:48.04\00:25:50.08
I mean, serious strategy,
00:25:50.11\00:25:51.75
and at the end of it,
we know the outcome...
00:25:51.78\00:25:53.48
She got the
person that she wanted,
00:25:53.52\00:25:54.88
and it was the person
God had intended for her.
00:25:54.92\00:25:58.35
So tell me your story
because I understand that you
00:25:58.39\00:26:01.16
guys have a very
nontraditional story as well.
00:26:01.19\00:26:05.99
You're right, no we do
have an interesting story.
00:26:06.03\00:26:08.70
We actually met online and
so, for me, that was big because
00:26:08.73\00:26:13.40
when I was on the website,
I was just getting ready to go
00:26:13.44\00:26:16.07
off and then when something
inside of me that said, "No, no,
00:26:16.10\00:26:18.94
no, there's something else out
there and then that's when she
00:26:18.97\00:26:21.34
appeared - almost like
divine and then once I saw her
00:26:21.38\00:26:24.51
glow and everything else,
I just knew that right there
00:26:24.55\00:26:27.35
that she was the one,
and so had I just gotten off
00:26:27.38\00:26:29.72
one moment sooner, I wouldn't
have been able to meet her
00:26:29.75\00:26:31.85
so I truly
believe that was divine.
00:26:31.89\00:26:33.49
Yes, I remember when
I saw his profile like
00:26:33.52\00:26:36.42
everything he described
was like, wow, I've never
00:26:36.46\00:26:40.13
seen someone describing
something like this before.
00:26:40.16\00:26:43.83
Like he knew
exactly what he wanted,
00:26:43.87\00:26:45.63
but he also knew who he was,
00:26:45.67\00:26:48.37
and that really,
really appealed to me because
00:26:48.40\00:26:50.74
that's exactly how I think.
00:26:50.77\00:26:52.44
I wanted to always focus on
my development and be able to
00:26:52.47\00:26:57.25
not only want something
from someone, but also be able
00:26:57.28\00:27:00.38
to offer something, so
that was very important
00:27:00.42\00:27:02.55
to me and that's why
I was never in a rush to
00:27:02.58\00:27:05.42
get married
young and yeah, so...
00:27:05.45\00:27:09.22
I mean too too young,
my priority was more like
00:27:09.26\00:27:11.86
first focus on my development,
you know, and be in God's plan,
00:27:11.89\00:27:18.37
and eventually it will happen.
00:27:18.40\00:27:20.64
I'm so glad you guys shared
this because there's so many
00:27:20.67\00:27:22.60
Christians out there who
are afraid to use technology or
00:27:22.64\00:27:26.94
any means whatsoever
other than sitting and praying
00:27:26.98\00:27:29.98
and waiting.
00:27:30.01\00:27:31.35
I'm glad that you guys did this
and people were able to hear
00:27:31.38\00:27:34.12
that this worked
for you because now
00:27:34.15\00:27:35.48
we know it could work for them.
00:27:35.52\00:27:36.85
Yes, definitely!
00:27:36.89\00:27:38.22
It sounds like
you guys are ready
00:27:38.25\00:27:39.59
to take this test. Oh yeah. Yes!
00:27:39.62\00:27:40.96
So let's have you take the
test and I'll have the results
00:27:40.99\00:27:42.52
for you next time. Okay!
00:27:42.56\00:27:44.16