Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host Dr. John Jacob
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Let us welcome Kisha,
Jason and Jameelah. Thank you
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Well today we are going
to take a look at strategies.
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I've noticed that very
often we pray about things,
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we go to different churches,
we think about ministries,
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and they're all good ideas
on how we can find someone.
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How we could find that mate
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that we believe God
has in store for us...
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But very often, there are
some strategic commonsense
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things that we could
do that we fail to do.
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On our last segment,
we talked about the ratio
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of women to men in the church;
available, single women 6:1,
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and when I said
that, I think Jason smiled.
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The only one that smiled.
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The only one that smiled,
he realized that this was
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totally in his favor
and he said, "You know, I
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have no problem with
that, I'm good with that."
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Well Jason, I'm happy for
you, however; you have to be
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concerned about the ladies
and what we could do to help.
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So here's a strategy that I
found out about in New York.
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They've
discovered that in New York,
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it depends on the
borough that you live in
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as to whether or not it's
going to be easy to find a guy.
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Now the City of
New York is very large,
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so somebody took the
time to Google the city
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and find out which pockets had
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a different kind of
male to female ratio.
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There were actually
some areas of New York
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where the ratio
was 2 guys to 1 girl.
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I don't like the projects.
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Of course you picked the
projects, no I'm talking about..
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Actually I'm talking no,
no, I'm talking nice areas. Okay
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... 2:1, actually live
in the nice city areas,
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the higher the
ratio of guys to girls.
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So, yeah, 2:1, whereas there
were some areas that it was
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3:1 which is 3
females to 1 male.
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So somebody realized that
all they needed to do was to
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change where they lived,
change where they worshipped.
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And just like it is with real
estate, you know how they say,
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"location, location, location,"
it makes a huge difference.
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You know, people used
to joke years ago about
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women going up to Alaska
to find a lumberjack, right?
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Because they have so many men
there, you know, ratio to women.
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Well it's kind of a bit similar,
but think strategically.
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When you're thinking
about fighting a problem that
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is obviously a statistical
problem, a 6:1 problem,
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you want to think strategically,
you want to think,
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"Okay, am I better off in L.A.
or should I move to Riverside?"
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"Is Atlanta the place where I'll
find the person that I need?"
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And, of course, you are
going to be praying about this.
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This is not something
that you're just going to go
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flying across the
country like, you know...
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Well, you're going to
be praying about this,
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but you want to set yourself
up for success, right? Right
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You were going to
ask a question, Jameelah.
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Yes, I want to know
what do you think about
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online dating as a strategy?
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I mean aside from us, I feel
like that you don't have to move
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to all these different places
and we have online dating now,
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I can click in
whatever city or state and then
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view the single men there,
what do you think about that?
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Yeah, yeah... I think
online dating isn't a bad thing,
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but I think some of the
models that we have out there
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right now are not useful.
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For instance, online dating
tries to get people together
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that claim that they have
things that they have in common
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like claim that
they like certain things.
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Now if you've ever looked at
a profile and Jason is smiling,
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so maybe you'll tell
us about your experiences
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online in a minute.
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But if you've ever been
online to date, you would notice
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that people put their very
best things about themselves
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in their profile and
they exaggerate a lot.
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A lot of people
overstate their income.
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They put their best pictures.
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You've heard about friends
who Photoshop and then you meet
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meet the person
finally, you show up and you
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can't even
recognize the person because
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they're
completely Photo shopped out.
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It's just not the person you
thought you were getting, right?
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But that is not
my bigger concern,
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my bigger concern is the
fact that what you are doing is
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connecting yourself
using social variables
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as opposed to what we've been
talking about on the entire show
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which is relational variables.
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"Relational" talks about
who you are, not what you like,
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all of that is superficial.
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So you like the
beach, what do you do?
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By the time you get married,
maybe you don't like the beach
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and who cares -
that's not going to make
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a difference, make or
break your relationship.
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What would make or break
your relationship is if your
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wife doesn't talk to you
at all and, Jason, we know
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that you are a moderate X
and you need that communication,
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that's what
makes a difference. Yes
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So that's one concern I have
and the way we've addressed it
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is we're actually in the
process of creating an app,
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a mobile app to do the
very thing that you're asking,
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but we're trying to do
more than the others are doing.
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It's going to be free.
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We're actually
trying to help folk here,
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we're not, you know, trying
to turn a profit or something.
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We cannot think of any
other way for you, for instance,
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to get from here to
Georgia or from here to Alaska.
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I mean it's easy to
just have you move by app
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and have it do it for you,
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but this is
going to be different.
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The way this is
going to work is...
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You will have, on your
phone, an app that will tell you
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the moment you...
what is your home church?
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Maybe you don't want to
mention. Ephesus! Ephesus! Woo
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Ephesus, there you go.
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So you can walk into
Ephesus and anyone else
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singles, not married folk,
anyone else at Ephesus that
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has that app, it will
tell you exactly what kind of a
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connection you
have with that person.
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I mean it will map it
like how it does MapQuest,
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you know like how you look
at your phone and your phone
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could show you where
different people are at.
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Anyone that is signed
up, you instantly know...
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you remember that - you
went to a potluck I think
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you mentioned sometime ago
- Yes Anyone at that potluck,
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the moment you walked through
the door, your phone will be
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buzzing and it will show
you immediately every single
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person in that room
that you can connect to.
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But do they...okay, I
have a question about this.
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So the church I go to, right?
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There's a lot of young
youth there and if my phone is
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buzzing, talk about I got
connections with a 15-year-old,
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so not me. With a 15-year-old?
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Oh no, no, no. I
mean does it have an age?
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Oh yeah! Like
any website. Oh okay.
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Even Facebook has an age limit,
I mean, I'm sure there are
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some 14 year olds that go on
there, but for dating websites
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and for matchmaking
websites, you have to be
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so much more
careful with legalities,
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so you wouldn't have to
worry about, you know...
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Does that person
have to have the app?
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Yes, they would have
to, but the apps are free
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so we expect it
wouldn't be a problem for people
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to just download it because
why wouldn't you want to get it?
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Now this is going to
be the first dating app
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that is an intelligent app.
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So what's
actually going to happen is
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the more you use the
app, the more the app
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realizes how you date
and it will actually correct
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things about your dating
that are not in your favor,
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things that you
wouldn't even have noticed.
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The app will also
tell you, guess what?
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You know what?
"You're interested in Jason?
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You did this before, you dated
a Jason before and it didn't
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work out for you," it will
tell you, it will remind you.
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Now why is this important?
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You guys are all Xs, you
know what happens to X-types?
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X- types have a
problem with forgetfulness.
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It's a good thing
if you're married.
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It's a good thing if
you're in a relationship
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and you want to
forget that your loved one
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did something that
hurt your feelings.
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That's what the Bible says,
"Forget, forgive, move on."
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If you forget that
anniversary, you're in trouble.
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You're right! You sure are!
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But you guys are not
forgetful with anniversaries.
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You guys are
actually the romantics,
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so we don't have
to worry about that,
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but what I worry about is
the fact that when somebody
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wrongs you, you forget
about it, you forgive it,
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and you don't learn from it.
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Y- types do just the opposite.
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A Y-type, they would
keep that in their memory,
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I mean they have a
memory like an elephant,
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and they would keep that
information in there too long.
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So long that it affects
their choices down the road.
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They do the
opposite of what you do,
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so if you guys were wise,
I'd be telling you right now,
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"Please try and forgive
and forget your past hurts
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because they're
affecting your choices."
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But you guys, it's the opposite.
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You need to keep in your
mind some of the things that
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people said and did to
you so that you could learn,
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so that you could
maneuver in a different way,
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you could do a different
thing and make different choices
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because Xs have a habit of
getting burned over and over
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and over by the same type of
people in the same type of way.
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A dating app will correct that
because it's an intelligent app.
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It will actually tell
you, "Jason, man - you cannot
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do this again, you
cannot go down this road again.
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You just got out of
something exactly like this."
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And that's what it will do,
so we're very excited about it.
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We hope it will be out
by about Valentine's Day
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and when it comes
out, you guys look for it.
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This Valentine's Day? Yeah
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Look for it and it
should make a difference.
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So, anyway, I just
wanted to say that.
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So now, did you
get part of your answer
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with the online
dating? Um hm. Yeah
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Okay, so as you
mentioned that, let's talk about
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dating with your head
versus dating with your heart.
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I think it's really
helpful to have all of you here
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in front of me that
are Xs because I could just
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laser-focus on X-types.
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You guys generally
date with your heart.
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Y- types date with their heads.
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You date by
believing and accepting
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what somebody says to you.
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So, for instance, if a
guy comes up to you and says,
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"You're very beautiful, I'd
like to get to know you better."
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"How about we go out
on a date on Friday?"
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You're excited, you believe him.
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As long as it's before
sunset. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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right before sunset, thank
you, thank you, there you go,
00:10:01.76\00:10:03.77
there you go, before sunset!
00:10:03.80\00:10:05.27
He's an Adventist guy. Okay.
00:10:05.30\00:10:10.54
Bible study, yeah, there you go!
00:10:10.57\00:10:11.91
Supposed someone asks
you to go to a Bible study,
00:10:11.94\00:10:13.41
not where you
thought he was going.
00:10:13.44\00:10:15.74
Okay, but what
if he doesn't call?
00:10:15.78\00:10:18.01
If he doesn't
call, you would give him
00:10:18.05\00:10:19.95
the benefit of the
doubt, as an X, why?
00:10:19.98\00:10:21.85
Because Xs do
that, that's what Xs do.
00:10:21.88\00:10:24.39
Xs are more
gullible, Xs are more trusting.
00:10:24.42\00:10:27.39
Really, you're more trusting.
00:10:27.42\00:10:29.09
So he calls on Sunday, doesn't
call you at all to apologize,
00:10:29.12\00:10:31.93
but he calls on
Sunday and guess what you do?
00:10:31.96\00:10:33.66
You forgive him and forget
because that's what you do.
00:10:33.70\00:10:36.40
What? X- types, high X-types.
00:10:36.43\00:10:39.23
Yes, and you are
moderate, so you could go
00:10:39.27\00:10:42.64
either way on
that, but, in general,
00:10:42.67\00:10:45.21
this is what X-types do. Okay?
00:10:45.24\00:10:47.31
Now that is because you date
and you love with your heart.
00:10:47.34\00:10:51.85
You do
everything with your heart.
00:10:51.88\00:10:53.45
A Y-type, if he doesn't call and
then he tries to call on Sunday,
00:10:53.48\00:10:58.65
he doesn't even get
that phone call answered.
00:10:58.69\00:11:01.49
And she's done, she off on
another date with another dude.
00:11:01.52\00:11:05.23
This is a Y-type,
they don't waste time,
00:11:05.26\00:11:07.80
and you have to take
a page from their book.
00:11:07.83\00:11:09.93
You have to take a
page from their book,
00:11:09.96\00:11:11.30
you guys are the ones that
would date for 4 years, 5 years
00:11:11.33\00:11:14.27
the same person - hoping that
they are going to turn around.
00:11:14.30\00:11:17.01
Why? They're not,
not if you're dating.
00:11:17.04\00:11:20.31
Now if you're married,
it's a different story.
00:11:20.34\00:11:22.41
So these are just some common
sense things that you can do.
00:11:22.44\00:11:25.71
Be willing to make some changes.
00:11:25.75\00:11:28.72
I come across a lot of
people who say, "You know what,
00:11:28.75\00:11:31.85
this is a game - I'm
not playing this game."
00:11:31.89\00:11:34.59
"You know, I'm
not a game player,
00:11:34.62\00:11:36.02
I don't want to
make any changes."
00:11:36.06\00:11:37.39
"You know, he wants me to do
this, he wants me to do that."
00:11:37.43\00:11:39.49
But you have to
make adjustments.
00:11:39.53\00:11:40.90
I'm all for making an adjustment
as long as it's not something,
00:11:40.93\00:11:44.33
again, illegal or immoral
to make the thing work for you.
00:11:44.37\00:11:48.34
We talked about
letting go of your past,
00:11:48.37\00:11:51.21
and the last thing I
wanted to tell you about
00:11:51.24\00:11:52.71
your self-esteem.
00:11:52.74\00:11:54.08
We take a hit to our
self-esteem if we're Xs.
00:11:54.11\00:11:57.68
You're taking a hit to
your self-esteem every time a
00:11:57.71\00:12:00.08
relationship does not work
out and I guess you're thinking
00:12:00.12\00:12:03.22
it's not a big deal, but
it is because your self-esteem
00:12:03.25\00:12:05.65
bleeds through your personality.
00:12:05.69\00:12:08.36
So every time you've been hurt,
and then you go to the next guy,
00:12:08.39\00:12:11.09
he is seeing this face
that says, "Oh, I've been hurt
00:12:11.13\00:12:15.16
before, please
don't hurt me." Laughter
00:12:15.20\00:12:17.87
"Please don't hurt
me, please be the one,
00:12:17.90\00:12:19.67
please don't hurt me."
00:12:19.70\00:12:21.37
You can't do that!
You have to self-monitor.
00:12:21.40\00:12:24.07
If you think that you're
not ready to go back out there,
00:12:24.11\00:12:26.17
take a break, build yourself
up, work on your self-esteem,
00:12:26.21\00:12:30.15
feel better about yourself
because, you know what...
00:12:30.18\00:12:32.68
the next guy that's out there,
you're thinking that he is
00:12:32.71\00:12:36.12
reading you, but
guess what's reading you?
00:12:36.15\00:12:38.35
His brain is reading you,
that's what's reading you,
00:12:38.39\00:12:41.02
and his brain can tell
whether or not you're confident,
00:12:41.06\00:12:43.19
whether or not you're valuable,
00:12:43.22\00:12:44.56
whether or not
you value yourself.
00:12:44.59\00:12:46.56
So these are some strategic
things that you guys could do.
00:12:46.59\00:12:49.46
Finally, remember opposites
attract.. Do they? They do!
00:12:49.50\00:12:55.10
Even in XY Theory. I
don't want a Y though.
00:12:55.14\00:12:57.41
Yeah, we don't want an
opposite, we want an X.
00:12:57.44\00:12:59.67
After everything that I've
told you, there will be the Y
00:12:59.71\00:13:02.71
that will catch your
eye and you will think...
00:13:02.74\00:13:04.91
Why did I get a
"Y," why, why. Laughter
00:13:04.95\00:13:08.88
Don't do it, don't do it.
00:13:08.92\00:13:10.25
I also do not want you to
date like a telemarketer. Okay
00:13:10.29\00:13:16.52
Seriously, what
do telemarketers do?
00:13:16.56\00:13:19.56
They're forceful, they're
coercive, they hound you,
00:13:19.59\00:13:23.00
they won't let you go, right?
00:13:23.03\00:13:25.13
Don't date like that.
00:13:25.17\00:13:26.50
If somebody
doesn't want to date you,
00:13:26.53\00:13:28.20
just move on - probably the
person wasn't meant for you.
00:13:28.24\00:13:31.34
But that's not what I'm
worried about if you are Xs.
00:13:31.37\00:13:35.51
X- types, you know how the
telemarketer calls sometimes
00:13:35.54\00:13:39.11
and they keep you on the
phone and you actually buy the
00:13:39.15\00:13:41.15
product either to get rid
of them or because you don't
00:13:41.18\00:13:44.09
have enough will
power to say "no."
00:13:44.12\00:13:46.42
I mean, how many
products have you guys bought
00:13:46.45\00:13:48.32
that you wish you hadn't.
00:13:48.36\00:13:50.69
You do that with dating too
and you need to be very careful,
00:13:50.73\00:13:54.10
there are a lot of X-types
that date people that they
00:13:54.13\00:13:57.00
should not date just
because they couldn't say "no."
00:13:57.03\00:13:59.87
You need to be
careful about that.
00:13:59.90\00:14:02.47
Also, blueprints - Y-types
are the ones that usually
00:14:02.50\00:14:06.94
have a blueprint of
who they want to be with
00:14:06.98\00:14:09.81
and they never
veer away from it,
00:14:09.84\00:14:11.98
but I've discovered that X-
types, some X-types also do.
00:14:12.01\00:14:15.98
You guys cannot tell me
that you've never dated anyone
00:14:16.02\00:14:19.72
that you felt was, you know,
a good Christian young man,
00:14:19.75\00:14:24.23
a good Christian young lady
and you felt this could work,
00:14:24.26\00:14:28.20
but you just didn't need that
blueprint because you wanted
00:14:28.23\00:14:31.07
someone that was 6'2" or
you wanted someone that was
00:14:31.10\00:14:34.44
a certain complexion or
you wanted someone that had
00:14:34.47\00:14:36.91
a certain amount of education.
00:14:36.94\00:14:38.27
You guys need to back off a
little bit from that blueprint,
00:14:38.31\00:14:41.94
just a bit, just a bit.
00:14:41.98\00:14:43.31
If you open yourself
up to the will of God
00:14:43.35\00:14:45.51
and you're
praying about something,
00:14:45.55\00:14:46.88
how do you expect
to stick to that fixed
00:14:46.92\00:14:50.29
hard and fast blueprint?
00:14:50.35\00:14:51.69
I mean, you don't even
know what's in store for you.
00:14:51.72\00:14:54.19
So watch the blueprint.
00:14:54.22\00:14:55.56
I notice that you guys
could get carried away.
00:14:55.59\00:14:56.93
Let's take a
quick look at a slide,
00:14:56.96\00:14:58.59
I want to read something to you.
00:14:58.63\00:15:00.43
So this is a celebrity article
and I'm not going to tell you
00:15:00.46\00:15:03.33
who it is, you
probably will be able to guess,
00:15:03.37\00:15:05.27
but this is an exchange between
a celebrity and his girlfriend
00:15:05.30\00:15:10.11
that he proposed to and
listen to what he said...
00:15:10.14\00:15:12.94
So he says the following...
00:15:12.97\00:15:16.51
I'm guessing that
these people are not X-types
00:15:41.07\00:15:45.44
because X-types
don't keep people guessing.
00:15:45.47\00:15:47.94
You guys put too much
out there, you say too much,
00:15:47.98\00:15:50.55
you're too obvious.
00:15:50.58\00:15:52.05
You have to be a little
bit mysterious, you know?
00:15:52.08\00:15:55.02
Mystery, mystery gets it.
00:15:55.05\00:15:57.29
So hold something
back, be a little bit like
00:15:57.32\00:16:01.16
this young lady and
I'm pretty sure that
00:16:01.19\00:16:03.32
things will work out for you.
00:16:03.36\00:16:05.16
It was a pleasure
having you on the program.
00:16:05.19\00:16:07.23
I hope these strategies
work for you. Thank you!
00:16:07.26\00:16:10.23
Welcome back
Jennifer, Kory, Kim. Thanks!
00:16:14.70\00:16:18.01
Today we will be talking
about dating intelligence.
00:16:18.04\00:16:21.28
I'm sure you will be
wondering why do you need
00:16:21.31\00:16:24.35
dating intelligence - you
are already married. Right?
00:16:24.38\00:16:27.55
Well the answer
really lies in your science.
00:16:27.58\00:16:30.19
What they found is...
you guys determined your
00:16:30.22\00:16:34.52
love for your desire
for your mates in courtship.
00:16:34.56\00:16:39.19
What that means
is... you fell in love
00:16:39.23\00:16:41.40
with the person
that you saw in courtship
00:16:41.43\00:16:44.77
not necessarily with the person
that you have right now. Okay
00:16:44.80\00:16:48.64
What that means is, of course,
is that there is a discrepancy
00:16:48.67\00:16:52.34
in your mind between what you
had then and what you have now.
00:16:52.37\00:16:57.51
Now so there are about three
times in our lives when our
00:16:57.55\00:17:00.82
brains are very, very plastic;
the first is, of course,
00:17:00.85\00:17:04.52
newborns - extremely
plastic which is why newborns
00:17:04.55\00:17:07.49
are so easy to
damage psychologically.
00:17:07.52\00:17:10.76
The second time is puberty
because of all the raging
00:17:10.79\00:17:13.93
hormones our teenagers
are very, very impressionable.
00:17:13.96\00:17:18.23
And we also have a lot
of plasticity going on when
00:17:18.27\00:17:22.64
we are falling in love.
00:17:22.67\00:17:25.07
Now, you have about 80 hormones
coursing through your body,
00:17:25.11\00:17:28.68
but only about 8 of them
are responsible for relationship
00:17:28.71\00:17:32.05
and for bonding and
those 8 hormones are circling
00:17:32.08\00:17:35.85
through your body when
you're falling in love.
00:17:35.88\00:17:39.09
Whenever that happens,
it reshapes your brain.
00:17:39.12\00:17:43.02
Because no wonder that
people find it very strange
00:17:43.06\00:17:45.26
that when they get on
the other side of the aisle,
00:17:45.29\00:17:48.43
on the other side of "I do,"
on the other side of marriage,
00:17:48.46\00:17:51.43
they're like, "what happened,
00:17:51.47\00:17:54.14
why am I feeling
this disappointment?"
00:17:54.17\00:17:56.54
Well you're feeling
the disappointment because
00:17:56.57\00:17:58.44
your brain told you
that this is what life
00:17:58.47\00:18:00.54
was going to be like. Oh, okay.
00:18:00.58\00:18:02.74
At a period in time when it
was all play, think about it,
00:18:02.78\00:18:05.91
not work, not kids...
you guys were traveling,
00:18:05.95\00:18:10.75
you were going
to church together,
00:18:10.79\00:18:12.22
and hormones were helping
you to put the extra foot power
00:18:12.25\00:18:15.66
to do whatever Kim
wanted, WHATEVER she wanted,
00:18:15.69\00:18:18.99
you would get it,
you would do it...
00:18:19.03\00:18:21.60
And then those
hormones go away and then now
00:18:21.63\00:18:24.63
you're on the other
side and you should be
00:18:24.67\00:18:28.10
dating because your brain
tells you, "Hey, you should be
00:18:28.14\00:18:30.84
married to this person that you
dated, but now you're married
00:18:30.87\00:18:32.97
to a mate, not a
date," but your brain
00:18:33.01\00:18:36.41
cannot handle that. Hmmm
00:18:36.44\00:18:38.51
And what your brain
does with that information
00:18:38.55\00:18:40.35
causes you to
feel the disappointment
00:18:40.38\00:18:42.28
that you feel all the time.
00:18:42.32\00:18:43.65
Now you know we have
spent quite some time
00:18:43.69\00:18:46.45
talking about XY Theory and
talking about a personality test
00:18:46.49\00:18:49.72
that will tell you when
this dating phase is done...
00:18:49.76\00:18:53.96
what are you going to have.
00:18:54.00\00:18:56.10
We also talked
about a social personality
00:18:56.13\00:18:58.13
and a relationship personality.
00:18:58.17\00:18:59.77
Well, social personality we also
referred that to as a persona,
00:18:59.80\00:19:03.67
a social persona and persona
is another word for "mask"
00:19:03.71\00:19:08.14
which means many of us
fall in love with a mask.
00:19:08.18\00:19:11.98
The mask that the person
was wearing to win us over.
00:19:12.01\00:19:16.15
Let's take a
look at the slide...
00:19:16.18\00:19:18.25
Okay, these are the
stages in marriage and you guys
00:19:18.29\00:19:21.16
obviously went through it,
I think you said you've been
00:19:21.19\00:19:23.02
married for about
6 months? Six months.
00:19:23.06\00:19:25.03
So "passion," of course, is
the first one and passion is
00:19:25.06\00:19:27.76
a lot of infatuation and then
is when you get most of your
00:19:27.80\00:19:31.43
hormones raging and, at
some point, passion dies away.
00:19:31.47\00:19:36.94
You're either married or
committed and then you have
00:19:36.97\00:19:40.48
the next stage which is
the "power struggle stage."
00:19:40.51\00:19:42.84
Zero to 2 years and
you're vying for, "Okay, who is
00:19:42.88\00:19:46.25
going to be in
control of this relationship?"
00:19:46.28\00:19:48.82
We can't get into that
now, time would not permit,
00:19:48.85\00:19:52.39
but that's a
whole segment by itself.
00:19:52.42\00:19:53.82
The need to lead is
what we refer to that.
00:19:53.86\00:19:56.93
And then cross stages, you
have a fork in the road where
00:19:56.96\00:19:59.79
if you don't get
through the power struggles,
00:19:59.83\00:20:01.86
you have to decide, "Okay,
are we going to continue on
00:20:01.90\00:20:04.37
or are we going to
go our separate ways?"
00:20:04.40\00:20:06.77
Then, of course, you
know, 50% decide to go
00:20:06.80\00:20:09.67
the other way and
50% decide to go on;
00:20:09.70\00:20:12.37
76% try again and the
reason why they try again,
00:20:12.41\00:20:16.81
as we go to the next
slide, is they call it a
00:20:16.85\00:20:19.01
"selection error."
00:20:19.05\00:20:20.38
They decided that, you know
what, "I just made a mistake
00:20:20.42\00:20:22.48
in how I selected... If
I did it again, my chances
00:20:22.52\00:20:27.56
will be better."
00:20:27.59\00:20:30.23
So they don't do
anything analytical,
00:20:30.26\00:20:32.26
they just simply do it
again because it's the luck
00:20:32.29\00:20:35.70
of the draw, "I threw the
dice, I didn't throw it right."
00:20:35.73\00:20:38.83
Ninety percent of
those who stay, who stay,
00:20:38.87\00:20:42.00
of the 50%, 90% of those who
stay report an unsatisfactory
00:20:42.04\00:20:46.27
relationship. Wow
00:20:46.31\00:20:47.64
This is not
going to happen to us.
00:20:47.68\00:20:49.31
We just spent quite a
while looking at XY Theory,
00:20:49.34\00:20:51.48
you guys know exactly
what to do to adjust, adjust
00:20:51.51\00:20:55.32
and make simple adjustments.
00:20:55.35\00:20:57.89
This doesn't happen with you.
00:20:57.92\00:20:59.42
Then there's the attachment
phase which you guys are
00:20:59.45\00:21:01.42
already in and, of
course it goes on to cooperation
00:21:01.46\00:21:04.39
and resignation.
00:21:04.43\00:21:05.76
Now I have to point out
that of the 90% of the folks
00:21:05.79\00:21:11.33
who are in unsatisfactory
relationships is simply
00:21:11.37\00:21:14.24
because they did not
know what to adjust to.
00:21:14.27\00:21:17.44
Some of them would have
adjusted if they could tell
00:21:17.47\00:21:19.87
what I need to adjust. Okay
00:21:19.91\00:21:21.98
So we have an app that we
created and remember we have
00:21:22.01\00:21:26.98
a lot of apps out there... I
won't call some of the names,
00:21:27.02\00:21:30.29
but there are quite
a few apps out there.
00:21:30.32\00:21:31.65
So we created an app
to help young people find
00:21:31.69\00:21:34.69
their significant other,
but then it occurred to us
00:21:34.72\00:21:37.09
that the problem in marriages
is that couples stop dating.
00:21:37.13\00:21:42.53
Your brain is used
to dating, but you stop.
00:21:42.56\00:21:45.73
You would have told your
wife before you got married,
00:21:45.77\00:21:50.77
"I love you, I'm
committed to this,
00:21:50.81\00:21:52.61
we'll get married one day,"
but then there are a lot of guys
00:21:52.64\00:21:55.68
who say that and
don't follow through. Right?
00:21:55.71\00:21:58.75
Those are some of the types
of disappointments that people
00:21:58.78\00:22:01.55
have to put up
with, so what we did is...
00:22:01.58\00:22:02.92
we created an app that not only
00:22:02.95\00:22:04.29
singles could use, but
married folk could use as well.
00:22:04.32\00:22:06.96
So you two would be
able to download the app;
00:22:06.99\00:22:10.63
you'd be able to
give it to your husband.
00:22:10.66\00:22:12.63
He can take the test and
what the app will do is tell you
00:22:12.66\00:22:16.26
exactly how you match and
do some of what we did with
00:22:16.30\00:22:20.37
you, Kim, which is
point out specifically...
00:22:20.40\00:22:24.24
"this is where I'm having
a problem and this is what
00:22:24.27\00:22:27.61
Kory needs to do to
adapt and to adjust."
00:22:27.64\00:22:31.95
And so every day
that you use the app,
00:22:31.98\00:22:34.12
it will tell you more and
more and more about what you
00:22:34.15\00:22:36.18
need to do - it will remind
Kory, let's say he doesn't
00:22:36.22\00:22:38.35
remember to bring roses and
you love roses because the app
00:22:38.39\00:22:42.89
knows that on your
scale, you checked romance as
00:22:42.92\00:22:44.93
very important - it will
remind him - "It's her birthday,
00:22:44.96\00:22:48.90
do not forget the
roses." You know? Yeah
00:22:48.93\00:22:51.83
It will tell him -
"This is what you need to do,
00:22:51.87\00:22:55.54
this is what she likes,
don't forget to do this."
00:22:55.57\00:22:58.97
Another very, very good
thing about this is that it
00:22:59.01\00:23:01.38
is going to analyze the
relationship between you
00:23:01.41\00:23:03.91
and your children because you
guys might know the statistic.
00:23:03.95\00:23:07.85
They have reported that the
happiest couples in the world
00:23:07.88\00:23:12.09
are not couples with children,
the very children that everyone
00:23:12.12\00:23:15.62
prays for and hopes for,
but couples who are married
00:23:15.66\00:23:19.23
and by choice have no kids. Wow
00:23:19.26\00:23:22.03
So singles are not the happiest,
00:23:22.06\00:23:23.83
married folk with
kids are not the happiest,
00:23:23.87\00:23:25.67
but couples
with no children. Wow
00:23:25.70\00:23:28.40
And the reason for that
is... children bring on an extra
00:23:28.44\00:23:30.44
responsibility and a
burden that you did not plan for
00:23:30.47\00:23:33.58
or entertain during the
dating phase when your brain was
00:23:33.61\00:23:36.01
taking shape of
what you should expect.
00:23:36.04\00:23:39.08
So this app is going to
help you to analyze your child
00:23:39.11\00:23:42.18
because we've discovered
that your child's personality
00:23:42.22\00:23:45.75
is responsible for a lot
of the tension that goes on
00:23:45.79\00:23:48.89
between parents and their
teenagers, especially teenagers.
00:23:48.92\00:23:54.16
So it's going to do a
lot to help the family
00:23:56.36\00:23:59.77
and it's going to be free.
00:23:59.80\00:24:01.44
Can't beat that. It's
going to be free, it's
00:24:01.47\00:24:03.87
called "Dating Intelligence,"
at least that is the
00:24:03.91\00:24:05.77
theory behind it and those are
the algorisms that we'll use,
00:24:05.81\00:24:09.74
but we expect that it's
going to make a huge difference
00:24:09.78\00:24:12.25
to families in our church
because that's where we're
00:24:12.28\00:24:15.48
going to launch it first
and then in the world at large.
00:24:15.52\00:24:20.32
So Doc, it sounds like
there's hope for us who are
00:24:20.36\00:24:22.89
in relationships and maybe
even hope for those who are not.
00:24:22.92\00:24:25.73
Absolutely! Absolutely!
00:24:25.76\00:24:27.80
If you follow these concepts,
if you make the changes,
00:24:27.83\00:24:31.17
if you date your wife like
you're dating a girlfriend,
00:24:31.20\00:24:36.81
if you guys remember
all that we've talked about
00:24:36.84\00:24:39.87
with the conflict resolution
and how important it is
00:24:39.91\00:24:43.11
to learn those vital
skills, you will be okay,
00:24:43.14\00:24:47.58
and as I said, you
will have a lot of help
00:24:47.62\00:24:49.78
with a lot of the information
that has just been provided.
00:24:49.82\00:24:52.42
I'd like to thank you
for being on our program,
00:24:52.45\00:24:54.66
and I hope these concepts
strengthen your relationships.
00:24:54.69\00:24:57.16
Absolutely! All right. Thank you
00:24:57.19\00:25:01.16
Today we learned
about dating intelligently
00:25:03.73\00:25:06.47
in and out of marriage.
00:25:06.50\00:25:08.24
Dating changes
you, but so do your
00:25:08.27\00:25:10.21
interactions
with your loved ones.
00:25:10.24\00:25:12.41
When I was a
child, the challenge was
00:25:12.44\00:25:14.54
to get students to learn
to read by breaking words
00:25:14.58\00:25:17.88
up into syllables.
00:25:17.91\00:25:19.28
Now we teach students to break
syllables up into smaller bits
00:25:19.31\00:25:22.92
we call "phonemes."
00:25:22.95\00:25:24.42
Similarly, in our relationships,
we are used to being told
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to watch our words,
but now we have to be
00:25:28.12\00:25:30.86
careful with
something much smaller...
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We have what we
call "little moments,"
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do we flash a
smile or give a frown?
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We engage with a
spouse after a fight by giving
00:25:38.13\00:25:41.60
an unsolicited hug or instead
give cold disapproving silence.
00:25:41.64\00:25:46.17
You can reply to your
partner's text or voicemail now
00:25:46.21\00:25:49.64
or much later when
it's more convenient to you.
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And we have over
20 thousand moments
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and micro-expressions just
like these every single day.
00:25:55.48\00:25:59.29
They are
noticed by our partners,
00:25:59.32\00:26:01.52
and noted by our children.
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They are never neutral,
but always either positive
00:26:03.06\00:26:06.36
or negative scientists tell us.
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They are remembered
unconsciously and unknowingly
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change the brains of
the observers along with
00:26:12.07\00:26:15.97
our relationships with them
in subtle but profound ways.
00:26:16.00\00:26:20.38
So be careful how you
treat the people in your life
00:26:20.41\00:26:23.14
that mean a lot to
you, moments matter.
00:26:23.18\00:26:25.98
A partner's bid for
your affection counts.
00:26:26.01\00:26:28.78
It's 5 times easier to
cause someone's psychological
00:26:28.82\00:26:32.29
damage than to
later apologize and hope
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the damage healed.
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We've really
always known this though.
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God inspired Solomon to
write, "Iron sharpeneth iron,"
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referring our ability to
change each other through
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our interactions.
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We explain this to our
clients that neuroscience
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confirms the impact we
can have on reshaping the
00:26:51.31\00:26:54.48
brain and
personality of our partner.
00:26:54.51\00:26:57.11
After hearing this
explanation, some have said,
00:26:57.15\00:27:00.12
"Why wasn't God
more clear about this?"
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But what was God supposed to do?
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Should He have tried to
explain to Solomon how our
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prefrontal cortex works?
00:27:08.16\00:27:10.19
And what about Job?
00:27:10.23\00:27:11.66
Should He have told Job
that his neurons and nerve cells
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were rapidly changing in
response to the horror that
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he was experiencing?
00:27:18.83\00:27:20.34
Even through his struggle,
Job didn't take his wife's
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advice to curse God.
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From a neurological standpoint,
this strengthened him.
00:27:25.21\00:27:28.48
But his negative
response to his three friends
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did not have a positive
effect which made his need to
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forgive his wife and
pray for his three friends,
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an absolute spiritual
and neurological necessity.
00:27:37.12\00:27:40.42
The fact is, what science
allows us to peek into today,
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Job would not have understood,
no matter how plainly stated.
00:27:44.36\00:27:48.20
So instead of
full understanding,
00:27:48.23\00:27:49.86
he needed to trust God for
a change in his circumstances,
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and, frankly, so must we.
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Join us next time on
the "Road to Romance"
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