Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Jameela & Jason, Jennifer, Kisha, Kory & Kimberly
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000012
|
00:24 Hello and welcome to "Road to Romance"
00:27 I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob. 00:29 Jennifer, Kory, Kimberly, welcome back! Thank you 00:33 Today we're going to talk about "silent suffers." 00:36 It's a new concept, but an old concept. Okay 00:40 So, I would like to start with a personal story of my own 00:45 that would help you to understand how I came about 00:48 discovering this whole "XY Theory" thing. 00:50 I'd love to take all of the credit for it, 00:54 but I can't - it really has a lot to do with my 00:57 upbringing and my own parents, let's take a look at the slides. 01:00 So I grew up in a Catholic home, and, of course, we converted 01:06 to Adventism when I was about 19-20. 01:09 Prior to that, my parents had a very, very difficult 01:13 conflicted marriage. 01:15 So we got baptized and we felt or we were told 01:19 that everything would be okay now and the problems 01:23 that we had and the problems that they had 01:24 would just disappear. 01:26 Well they did for a year and then they came back with a 01:30 vengeance and my parents started fighting again. 01:33 Well my parents loved each other a lot, 01:36 and they also loved God a lot. 01:39 I went into the ministry right away. 01:41 I did a degree in theology and when I was done, it occurred 01:46 to me that my parents were not getting any better, 01:48 things were getting worse. 01:50 So I concluded that it wasn't spirituality. 01:53 My mom, I call her "the fastor." 01:56 She can fast for 3, 4, 5 days, 01:59 I've never seen anything like it, 02:01 I could hardly make a good day, 02:03 but she can fast for as long as she wants it seems. 02:05 So they really tried very hard, on a spiritual level, 02:09 to fix things and things just didn't get any better. 02:12 So I moved beyond theology and started looking into psychology 02:16 because I'm looking for reasons why is it that my parents 02:19 who love each other and love God equally, 02:21 could not make this work. 02:23 By doing that, I stumbled on this theory by observing them, 02:27 and seeing what they were going through, 02:28 I stumbled on this theory. 02:29 More importantly, however, they were moving up in 02:32 the church - my dad had become first elder, 02:34 my mom had become head superintendent, 02:36 and now, they had no chance whatsoever of sharing 02:40 what they were going through in their marriage 02:42 with anyone else in the church. 02:44 In fact, the young people in the church, 02:46 whenever they were getting ready to get married, 02:49 they would go up to the rostrum and say, 02:51 "May God bless us to be as happy as Brother and Sister Jacob." 02:54 My brother and I would sit in our seats and squirm 02:57 because we knew the truth and we knew that by the time 03:01 the service was over and we got into the car to get home, 03:05 before we got home, there would be an argument, 03:07 so we knew that this was a facade, 03:10 but one that they had no choice. 03:12 They felt that they had no choice 03:13 in dealing with it any other way. 03:15 But I wondered, how many other Seventh-day Adventist 03:19 couples are going through the exact same thing - afraid 03:24 to say anything to anyone for fear 03:27 that someone questions their spirituality. Absolutely! 03:29 Or questions their integrity or wonders if they have 03:33 someone on the outside or any other foolish thing that has 03:35 nothing to do with the reality. 03:37 Now my father is a very stubborn man, 03:39 so when I got into psychology and I came up with this test, 03:42 the "XY Theory Test," I said, "Dad, I've got it, 03:45 I've figured it out, I know exactly what's wrong 03:47 with you and mom." 03:48 Years, I could not get this man to budge, I mean come on, 03:52 we're from the Caribbean, old school, 03:54 he's not even going to the doctor when he's sick 03:56 let alone taking a test from his little psychologist son... 03:59 so that wasn't happening at all. 04:00 And it wasn't until he was on his dying bed 04:04 that I said, "Grant me one wish, please just take this test, 04:09 I'm begging you," so he took the test. 04:12 At that time, the test was scored from zero to 100, 04:15 and as you see there, when he took the test, 04:18 his scores were in the vicinity of 25 in both communication 04:22 and intimacy, a T1 was 15 and the other was 25. 04:25 He was an extremely low Y. 04:28 My mom, who tends to be a little competitive, 04:31 then she wanted to take her test and found out that 04:34 her scores were 95 out of 100, extremely high X. 04:39 It was exactly what I thought. 04:41 They were complaining about a lot of things that have nothing 04:44 to do with what they were complaining about. 04:46 Her problem was - by complaining, by engaging, 04:49 by confronting - like we talked about with the conflict, 04:52 that was her opportunity to get to hear his voice, 04:54 to get some kind of interaction and she would take 04:57 negative interaction over none at all. 05:00 But I went back to the hospital and I told dad the results, 05:03 and with a tear in his eye he said, 05:05 "So you're telling me that this marriage and the failure 05:10 of the marriage didn't have anything to do with me, 05:13 it wasn't my fault... like I thought all these years, 05:15 for 51 years?" 05:18 I said, "No dad, it wasn't you, it was just that you guys 05:22 were different, that was all." 05:25 And he died peacefully and I was quite satisfied. Wow 05:30 This is the genesis of XY Theory. 05:33 This is why I'm so passionate about this. 05:35 This is why I feel that there are millions of people out there 05:39 that are in the same situation and some stay together 05:41 for other reasons... sometimes it's the children; 05:44 sometimes it's financial reasons, 05:46 and they should stay together, but the point I try to make 05:48 with my parents is... if they had known this 05:50 earlier, they could have fixed the problem. Wow 05:54 Very, very simple little tweak, as long as you know 05:57 what it is - my father had no idea that my mother just 06:00 needed some casual conversation, nothing deep, nothing deep, 06:03 just - "Hello, how are you, how was your day?" 06:05 That was all - he had no idea whatsoever. 06:10 So I wanted to ask you guys, I know that you're in an 06:12 XY relationship - have you had anything similar happen? 06:15 You know, I think what you have just said is so 06:19 very significant because from time to time, 06:21 I would get the calls also with folks who were saying 06:24 "Listen, what should I do, I'm in this relationship, 06:28 whether it's 30 years, 20 years, whatever and I can't 06:33 speak to anyone, I don't know who to talk to, 06:36 I don't want people to know my business, 06:38 I don't want to have this conversation hearing about it 06:43 next week - you know, because people are talking about it." 06:46 So the fear is very, very, very real to a lot of people, 06:51 and so the question is, as you mentioned, 06:54 "What do I do about it?" because for most people 06:56 not only is it real, but it's been going on 06:59 so long, it's like people have gotten accustomed... 07:02 it's become a way of life. Acceptable 07:05 You know, so it's like I tell people, it's like a cancer 07:08 that's there and it's getting worse and worse, 07:11 and you don't know what to do about it. 07:14 And, of course, as we know, family is at the core 07:17 of everything - all right, and so this is where the enemy 07:20 is hitting - if he can get our family so disconnected, 07:24 the church is made up of families that he has us 07:27 exactly where he wants us and so our objective 07:31 I would say, is to really reach and help people to understand 07:36 and that's why I was so thankful for having read 07:39 when someone gave me the "XY Theory Book," 07:42 reading about it because when I first got it, 07:45 I said, "Oh another self-help book, 07:48 I don't want to read that," you know, 07:49 but then I thought the person took the time to give it to me, 07:52 you know, why not read it and really reading it 07:55 helped me to understand personalities 07:58 because I've always been interested for my own personal 08:01 reasons - why do people do what they do? You know? 08:05 What's the reason behind it? 08:07 What's the rationale behind it? 08:09 And the book helped me to understand that... 08:11 Why people do what they do and the personality differences, 08:15 that it's not always - "Well you know, that person 08:18 is just, you know, really and truly repulsive," 08:22 there's a reason and there's a rationale and many times 08:26 most of these things, with assistance and with help, 08:29 can be changed - if they're willing to. 08:32 You know and whereby having a more productive relationship 08:37 and something that's more... you know, 08:39 "I'm not coming home to like, ohh - I'm going home 08:41 to him or her again," but, you know, you're in a 08:44 place where you want to be, where you enjoy. 08:46 And yes, conflict is going to come up, 08:48 but I'm able to work through it because now I have 08:50 the means and the mechanism and the tools 08:53 to do what has to be done. Yes 08:56 Pastor, I wanted to ask you... I have several ministers 08:59 and more so their wives that would contact me and 09:04 tell me, "Hey, you know what, this "silent-sufferer" thing 09:07 is real, happening to me," and if you think other people 09:10 in the church have no one to talk to, 09:12 you should try talking to a pastor's wife is what they said. 09:16 And, they always pulled me aside because, of course, 09:18 their minister-husband cannot see them, you know complaining 09:22 about something that is supposed to be 09:24 private and secret. 09:25 You're in the ministry - is there anything that you can 09:28 suggest or offer to help? 09:30 What I can tell you is real, my wife can speak more to the 09:33 pastor's wife struggle. 09:34 I can tell you as a pastor, it's very difficult. 09:37 Most pastors are silent 09:38 sufferers, there's nowhere to go. 09:40 Especially within Adventism, this may not sound good, 09:43 but sometimes it can be very political and so you don't 09:46 want to expose your weaknesses because, you know, 09:49 for fear of people taking advantage of that. 09:51 But pastors are put on a pedestal; 09:53 we're expected to be the most godly. Yes 09:56 You know, we're counselors, I guess by nature some of us 09:58 are expected not to have problems and so when people 10:03 know we have problems, it's almost like a weakness. 10:05 People respect us less, they don't want to hear from 10:09 you when you're preaching because... "Well, he's going 10:10 through this and he has that struggle... 10:12 So many pastors naturally put up a front and it's something 10:17 that then really started ministry. 10:18 If you study for ministry, it really starts even in school. 10:21 You know, trying to have that persona that says, 10:24 "Well, you know, I'm a pastor, so I've kind of made it." 10:27 But it's a real struggle. 10:29 But what I do personally is... I surround myself 10:31 with other pastor-friends who I know are humans, 10:34 you know, who have tendencies to just have a bad day, 10:38 and, you know, we hold each other accountable... 10:41 But we're also there to help each other vent, we talk, 10:44 we do things that are not necessarily Bible-related. 10:47 You know, we may study together, but other days, who knows, 10:49 we may play a video game together. 10:51 We may just go out and play basketball, maybe at the gym. 10:53 You know, may just talk and it kind of helps us to relieve 10:56 some of that anxiety and stress. Yeah 10:59 Thank you, and there's another aspect of this... 11:04 The research is showing that the loneliness people 11:06 in the world are not people who are alone, 11:09 but people who are lonely within the marriage. Right 11:13 And so the science is saying that you shorten your life 11:17 by about 3.5 years if you find yourself in a marriage 11:22 where your needs are not being met and you're suffering 11:26 silently. 11:28 I've actually sold some of the books to folks at "Hope Cares" 11:32 who have come to me, after they understood how it works, 11:34 and said, "You know what, now that I understand it, 11:36 I think I may have contributed 11:38 to the early demise of my partner." 11:40 One guy in particular and he was crying. 11:41 He said, "I didn't know, I didn't know how this worked 11:43 with the oxytocin and the need to have these needs met. 11:47 I had no idea and now my loved one is gone 11:49 and I don't know what to do about it." 11:51 Of course, he needed some coaching or some counseling. 11:54 So this is real when we consider the impact we can have 11:58 from a health standpoint. Yes 12:00 I just wanted to quickly ask you... 12:01 Did you have anything that you... 12:04 Well, I'm pretty much new to this pastor's wife game, 12:09 but one thing I have noticed is that it's very difficult 12:13 for people who are not in pastor families to understand 12:17 the struggles of a pastor family and when you are 12:21 the pastor family, who are you going to go to... 12:23 a church member to talk about your problems? 12:25 It doesn't work that way, you know, so it's just like 12:29 Kory said, you know, surrounding yourself with other people 12:32 who have been there, people who you can talk to 12:35 and be real with - it does help a lot, but there are people who 12:40 are going through some things. 12:44 I want to thank you guys for sharing, so tenderly, 12:48 your personal stories. 12:49 I know this could not be easy, but you've done it 12:54 and I'm certain that you will help some souls out there, 12:58 and I want to thank you for that. You're welcome. 13:01 So until we meet again next time, 13:05 keep doing everything that you can do to bring out 13:07 some of those silent sufferers and offer them 13:09 and opportunity to vent. 13:11 Thank you. You're welcome. 13:17 I'd like to welcome back our singles, 13:19 Kisha, Jason, Jameelah. Thank you! 13:23 Today we are talking about "silent suffering." 13:25 I know this sounds like a topic more geared toward couples, 13:30 but the fact of the matter is, I've heard from so many singles, 13:33 that I know for a fact that you guys sometimes suffer more 13:37 than couples do. 13:39 You're looking for someone and especially the ladies, 13:43 we will talk in a minute about the ratio between 13:48 women and men, single females and single males in the church. 13:53 It's not encouraging and it can create a lot of frustration. 13:57 But I wanted to share a story with you about something 13:59 that happened to me in New York. 14:02 I'm not going to call the church, naturally, 14:04 or the young lady's name, but I was doing some recruiting 14:07 for this very program and trying to get, participants, 14:10 guests to come on the show, and this young lady was 14:12 was very interested, so at the end of the service, 14:15 she came up to me and she said, "Can I be on the show?" 14:18 Well, I thought she looked like a good candidate, you know, 14:21 so I figured I would spend the potluck hours with her 14:26 like 2 hours because I want to make sure that she's a little 14:28 extrovert, she can talk. 14:30 So we went down to the basement for potluck. 14:32 She was very attractive; she was from the east coast; 14:36 she had her degree; she had everything 14:39 that you would want, Jason, in a young lady. 14:42 And as I said, I could not find any flaw in her. 14:47 But this is what she said to me, we sat down and she said, 14:50 "Dr. Jacob, I want you to sit with me, I want you to see 14:53 something... this is my first time visiting this church, 14:56 but it happens to me every time in every church." 15:00 "There's going to be at least one young man here that is 15:02 attracted to me - I'm going to catch him staring, 15:06 from off on the side, kind of like a satellite, 15:11 but never comes in... He'll circle, he'll watch me. 15:15 He'll check me out, but never develops enough courage 15:18 to step up to me and say, "Hey, I've been noticing you, 15:21 what's your name, I'd like to meet you." 15:24 And I said to her, "If this is your first time, 15:26 you couldn't possibly predict that this would happen." 15:28 She said, "But this happens every single time." 15:29 I said, "Okay, well let's check it out." 15:31 I sat with her - within 5 minutes... 15:33 She said, "Look to your right." I looked to my right, 15:37 and way off in the distance, there was this young man 15:39 that was looking at her through the corner of his eyes. 15:42 I thought it was just, you know, coincidental until she moved, 15:47 he moved; she went to another table, he changes position. 15:51 He actually was checking her out for about an hour, 15:54 never, ever stepping up and she said, "You know what? 15:57 If he steps up to me, we'd be going on a date 16:00 because I think he's attractive, he looks like a good guy! 16:02 I'd give him a chance, but it never happened." 16:05 So I said, "So you're right about this." 16:07 She said, "But I'm not finished, before I leave here, 16:10 there will be another guy that's a little more interested, 16:12 a little more brave... He's going to step up to me, 16:15 he's going to come and have conversation, 16:17 but he's not going to ask for my number." 16:20 I kept thinking... did she stage this because she couldn't 16:23 possibly be so correct, but she said, "This is exactly 16:25 how it happens every single time." 16:26 And lo and behold, within about 10 minutes, 16:29 there's this brother... He comes up, he did look a 16:31 little more - he had a little bit more swag, 16:33 a little bit more confidence and he came up and he said, 16:35 "Hi, how are you doing? My name is so and so, 16:38 what's your name? Where are you from?" 16:40 He exchanged a lot of information. 16:41 I sat there eating, pretending I'm not minding their business 16:45 for about 15 minutes... He clearly liked her! 16:50 But didn't ask for her number and she left that day 16:53 never to return to that church. 16:55 Why does this happen? 16:58 The ratio is already... of course... laughter 17:04 Why do guys do this? 17:06 I keep hearing... and this is across the country, 17:08 I'm from California, but this was New York. 17:10 California it's the same complaint. 17:11 Guys would be interested, the girls will know 17:14 they're interested, but the guys would not 17:16 step up and do something about it. 17:19 What is your wisdom? 17:20 Well first of all, I'm going to have to get on a flight 17:22 and go to New York show these brothers how it's done, 17:24 and second of all, you know, sometimes it can be a 17:30 number of things... it can be the young lady, 17:34 is she approachable? 17:35 Some people have a face and a demeanor about themselves 17:40 and they may not realize it. 17:42 It's just like when people think about something, 17:45 and it shows up on their face. 17:47 You know, it's just not something they can really 17:49 control, but sometimes they have a demeanor that makes a guy 17:54 kind of stand offish. 17:56 Then there are some guys that, I guess they just lack 17:59 confidence or they don't go after what they want. 18:03 You know and I mean, if you see a young lady 18:05 and you're interested in pursuing her, 18:07 then you gotta go get it. 18:09 You know, you gotta go get her 18:11 and try and display your interest. 18:16 And, as a woman, hopefully she will display that 18:20 interest back and let you know that she is interested 18:23 so you don't feel like an idiot. Right 18:26 So, basically, what I hear you saying is that guys 18:28 are concerned about their image and how they would look 18:31 if they get shot down. 18:32 Yes, some people are afraid of rejection. 18:35 Um, I mean, me personally, rejection... 18:39 If you reject me, there's a whole bunch of 18:42 people in the world... Okay? 18:44 One rejection is not going to hurt my feelings like that. 18:49 I'd rather be rejected than know that I'd never even tried. 18:55 But I hear that you're in the minority. 18:58 I hear that guys like you, standup guys, you know, 19:01 that have some backbone and some confidence 19:04 in our church - what I'm hearing from the young ladies 19:06 is that you are a rare gem. You are? Yeah 19:09 Generally guys don't, you know, step up and take care of... yeah 19:14 Well I just... I might have found a new business 19:16 to get into - maybe I can start offering workshop, 19:19 in some of these churches for some money, you never know. 19:23 But I'm also an XX though and how many people are XX's 19:28 that are guys - like what percentage, it's very rare. 19:32 Well yeah, XX is about 25% of guys are X-types, 19:36 so you are definitely a rare gem, 19:38 but about 70% of women are, 19:40 so really, you're the guy to find. 19:43 He's in Marion, see, we had to come all the way over 19:45 here to meet him, it's not making sense, it's ridiculous! 19:49 And they keep him up here at 3ABN, 19:50 I mean, this is not helping the pool. Right? Right 19:53 Yeah, this is not helping us at all. 19:55 And I think, another part of it like... 19:57 because guys don't have to try that hard. 19:59 You know, so the guy who went up to her and have the 20:04 conversation with her... he doesn't have to try 20:06 to get her number, he's probably go so many 20:08 other women's numbers in his phone. 20:10 So it's like "why," like you're going to leave, 20:12 I can just toss you up for right now and then 20:15 you'll be gone, so why do I need to get your number? 20:19 Kind of a supply and demand kind of thing. Um hm 20:21 Another thing I've heard though from a lot of guys is 20:23 there's always been, I guess what I call the "click factor." 20:26 A lot of girls hang out in clicks and there would be 20:28 like five girls and then you'd find 2 or 3 of them attractive, 20:31 and then if they talk to one and it doesn't work out, 20:33 they can't talk to any of the rest of them in the group. 20:35 So then it's like... so, right, okay... 20:41 Have you experienced that? 20:42 I mean that ruins it, like if I come and try and talk 20:45 to you and she's right here and then I try and talk to her... 20:49 ... Yeah, then you don't look like you ever were interested 20:52 in her, you just look like you're interested in anyone. 20:54 But you don't do that, keep strategy, you gotta seize it. 20:56 What is the strategy? 20:57 First of all, if you talk to me separately one-on right, 21:00 and I deny you, nobody knows that but you and I, 21:03 and if you act accordingly and act correct, 21:05 and don't act a fool, then I won't have to go back 21:07 and tell everybody - "Don't talk to him, girl, 21:10 he's a player or whatever." 21:11 It all depends on how you approach me and when you do it. 21:14 But some men don't think and they'll wait until you're 21:17 at a party with 800 of your girlfriends and want to come in 21:19 the middle of the circle to talk you and that's just crazy. 21:22 But I do have a question... What if you guys were at a 21:25 potluck and I know that you guys do potlucks back in California, 21:28 and you are all in a room, pretty much like this, 21:31 so there are 50 of you there and maybe 35 of you are 21:34 women - let's just say, and 15 are guys... 21:37 How does a guy thin the herd here? 21:40 How does a guy get you off to the side so that 21:43 he could avoid that scenario 21:45 that you described because you guys are all 21:47 together, you know what I'm saying, he's not going to 21:49 ask you, "Excuse me, do you mind stepping aside?" 21:50 I mean, we have to go to the bathroom... 21:53 that's the first thing, right? 21:54 Which is in a group! That was not a group! Laughter 22:02 Women go to the bathroom as if they need each other. 22:05 No! Like they own each other, they are holding the mirror... 22:08 No, there's only one bathroom and you go by yourself. 22:12 So why do you go together if there's one bathroom? 22:13 But we don't go together at potlucks like that 22:16 when there's one bathroom. 22:17 We go together at events, but not at a potluck. 22:19 I don't know, Jason, I think I've seen that crowd effect. 22:22 There's plenty of opportunity for you to do that 22:25 or for you to approach me by myself. 22:28 I gotta go to my car, I have to go outside... 22:30 I mean there are a lot of different things and ways 22:32 that you can do it... it's really all about how you 22:35 approach it, but the confidence, 22:36 I think, is what we're lacking, in a lot of our Adventist men. 22:40 It's the confidence and the intention and aggression 22:44 in and all of that because if I go to another church, 22:47 I get talked to 5 or 6 times before I even get 22:49 to the pew to sit down. 22:51 I was just like - "Oh, it's crazy." 22:54 If a brother follows you to the car, that might be a little... 22:57 and he might be looking at you, yeah 22:59 No, it doesn't have to happen that way though. 23:03 And it doesn't have to be that way though, 23:04 It all depends on how you do it. 23:05 I mean, I'm just walking that way and they're like, 23:07 "Oh, how are you doing? or "Did you like the potluck?" 23:09 or whatever - just casual conversation and then from that 23:12 conversation, it could lead to other ones. 23:14 Or, "Okay, what are you doing after the potluck?" 23:18 Which most of the time it's the same thing 23:20 we always usually do... 23:21 So I'll tell you what I'm doing, "Oh okay, we're doing this too, 23:24 Do you want to come?" or whatever. 23:25 It could just be very intentional, but I think that 23:28 people are playful. 23:29 Yeah, I think what I've seen is, that guys really do lack 23:33 the intention of being serious about wanting to be in a 23:37 relationship - so they want to date, they want to mess around, 23:40 they want to do whatever, but to say that, "Hey, I'm going 23:44 to intentionally talk to this girl and make her my girlfriend, 23:48 go further - it's not something that happens. 23:52 So it's like they end up do talking to the same girl 23:56 in the same group, but the girls don't know it. Right! 23:58 You know, so it's like they go under the underground 24:03 and try talking to everybody which isn't fair because, 24:06 you know, I'm thinking, "Oh wow, he really cares about me," 24:08 but at the same time, he really cares about my friend. Right 24:11 I hadn't heard that. 24:13 Right, but somebody told me that all the cute girls hang out 24:16 together - that isn't helpful, you know. 24:19 I don't know about that one. 24:21 If you guys were spreading it around a little bit, you know, 24:23 then... We would have to go find 24:24 ugly friends so we could get a man? 24:29 Yeah... I think that's a terrible... 24:31 Don't be scattered. Very deplorable. 24:33 So Jason, one of these young ladies, I won't say who, 24:37 wanted me to ask you - what signals does a guy give off 24:42 when he's interested because they're thinking that 24:44 maybe they're missing the signals somehow. 24:46 Well, I mean, I guess it varies for each guy. 24:51 I mean if, clearly, somebody is looking at you wanting 24:56 to interact with you, talk to you and make eye contact... 25:03 Well if they don't have confidence, they're not going 25:05 to make eye contact. Clearly, we know that one. 25:07 But, you know, if you're interested in that person, 25:10 you look at them a certain way, there's a certain look, 25:13 like I can't - I don't even know how to explain it. 25:16 It's just a feeling and then a look that you give off 25:20 and display that and by just constantly you want to be 25:24 around that person, you just got to step up 25:27 to the plate and I don't know what these guys are doing! 25:30 Why can't you just be like, "Hey, I like you," 25:33 why is that not the statement? 25:36 Why is it, I have to look for eye contact? 25:38 I have to look for these cues that I could miss. 25:41 Why isn't it just - straight to the point. 25:43 See, that's a whole nother conversation 25:44 and we ain't got time to get to that - you already know. 25:46 You all had good contributions and I want to thank you. 25:48 We will talk next time about speaking intelligently. 25:54 I cannot tell you how many times a wife has pulled me aside 25:58 to disclose to me how much neglect she is suffering 26:00 in the relationship and her suffering is nothing new. 26:04 Even centuries ago, Peter addressed the same issues 26:07 in the early church. 26:08 The Bible states in 1 Peter 3:7, "Husbands in the same way 26:12 be considerate with your wives, being thoughtful of their needs, 26:15 and honoring them as the weaker partner and as heirs with 26:19 you of the gracious gift of life so that nothing will 26:22 hinder your prayers." 26:24 Religious leaders are particularly vulnerable 26:26 as are workers in the church. 26:28 We have seen that men were conditioned from the days of 26:31 Adam to derive self-esteem from their day job, their careers. 26:35 When God told Adam he would be assigned the job of 26:39 finding food for the family outside of the home, 26:42 this changed his new anatomy. 26:44 It changed his brain, it reshaped his personality. 26:47 He became Y-like, he did not need conversation 26:51 to hunt game or to fish or to garden. 26:53 In fact, silence was preferred if not required. 26:57 And once home with the family, he struggled to adjust 27:00 to Eve's more social, conversant personality. 27:03 In anticipation of this, God told Eve 27:05 immediately after the fall that her desire would be 27:09 toward or in excess of Adam's. 27:11 This set up at least two things, the mismatch in personality 27:15 and needs we see today in 85% of couples and an 27:19 unwillingness on the part of the less communicating partner 27:23 to acknowledge the problem or to seek help. 27:26 In fact, Y-types take privacy about their relationship 27:29 very seriously. 27:31 The naturally X-type partner unable to access the 27:34 relief that comes from sharing his or her distress 27:38 suffers silently and considerably. 27:40 This is the fate of all XY couples in ministry 27:44 or church leadership. 27:46 Moreover, what will members think of a minister 27:48 with marital problems that he was unable to pray away? 27:51 Join us next time on "Road to Romance" |
Revised 2017-04-10