Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Jameela & Jason, Jennifer, Kisha, Kory & Kimberly
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000011
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00:24 Welcome to "Road to Romance"
00:25 I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob. 00:27 Jennifer, Kory, Kimberly, welcome! Thank you 00:30 Today we will be discussing "conflict resolution," 00:33 a very, very important topic for couples, as you know. 00:36 Some of the latest research is showing that you 00:39 can look at just how couples resolve conflict 00:42 to determine whether or not the marriage, the relationship 00:45 has a chance at all. 00:47 So I asked you to fill out some forms for me 00:51 that would give me some information. 00:53 I know you had no idea what you were filling out except that 00:56 some of the questions looked familiar, right? Um hum 00:58 But I kind of sneaked in two extra questions to give me 01:01 some extra information without alerting you, 01:03 you know, to what I was doing. 01:04 But basically, you answered two questions that will tell me 01:07 how you resolve conflict, and also, whether or not 01:11 you are comfortable with adapting or adopting 01:15 in a relationship and we'll explain that. 01:18 So, Jennifer, let's start with you. Okay! 01:20 All right, the first question was: 01:22 "If you're upset about something, 01:24 would you prefer to talk about it immediately 01:27 until the problem was resolved? Yes 01:29 And you resoundingly said "yes" to that. Absolutely! 01:33 Okay, you're an XX and that's very typical. 01:36 Chances are that your husband, 01:38 being a YY - might not feel exactly the same way. 01:41 Can tell me how that works? 01:44 Absolutely so and as you rightly said, I, most of the times, 01:49 would want to resolve it or talk about it. Right 01:52 While my spouse, he prefers to, "I'm not going to deal with this 01:58 right now, I'm going to just let it settle a little bit, 02:02 and I'm going to come back to the table with this," 02:05 and I'm like, "No, no, no, no, no, let's get this out 02:07 and deal with it and done with it," so, yeah, absolutely so. 02:11 Okay, so that is true with you. Yeah 02:13 The other question we asked: 02:14 "Would you prefer to adapt much or adjust 02:17 to someone in a relationship?" 02:18 And you said, "For us, which means that you have no problem 02:22 adjusting." Correct 02:23 Relationships obviously thrive when two people 02:27 are willing to make the adjustments 02:28 because no two people are exactly alike. Absolutely! 02:31 So, I'll explain to you why you have that difference 02:36 between you and your husband with regard to the 02:38 conflict as we go along. 02:40 Let's turn to Kimberly! 02:42 Kimberly, let's see what you said. 02:45 If you're upset about something, you would prefer to 02:48 talk about it immediately, and he said, "No," 02:50 and Kory is shaking his head which means 02:52 he completely totally agrees with you. 02:55 So Kory, I should just ask you - that's a no? 02:58 She would prefer not to, yeah? No? Probably not. 03:01 Yeah? Okay. 03:03 And as far as adapting, you said that you would 03:06 prefer not to adapt if you could help it. 03:09 I mean, we all know that we have to adapt in a relationship, 03:12 but you prefer NOT TO. 03:14 Change is not really my best friend, but it's something 03:19 you know, you do because you know that in order to make 03:22 things work, you have to give and take. 03:24 So if I had a preference, you know, I would 03:30 keep things as they are, but because it's not all about 03:33 my preference, then you have to adjust. 03:36 Remember on a previous program, we had the list and stasis 03:41 or sameness was on the list. 03:43 Remember you are borderline in terms of your personality 03:47 which means that, more than Kory, you would prefer 03:50 to, as you said, maintain the status quo as much as possible, 03:53 and Kory, you need to know that that is her MO most of the time. 03:58 Right? Well, let's take a look at Kory's case. 04:00 Kory, you said, "Yes, you prefer to resolve the conflict 04:05 right away and you agree with that, right? Um hm 04:07 Okay, let's see what you said for "adapting." 04:12 You prefer to not have to adapt too much. 04:16 No, no, I don't mind adapting. You don't mind adapting. 04:19 I think I circled "no" by accident. 04:20 Oh, all right, okay. Yes 04:22 So okay, so you don't mind adapting. 04:24 Again, Xs have a much easier time with adjusting 04:27 and making, you know, adaptations. 04:30 So, what we need to do next is explain 04:33 why we have this difference. 04:35 As you know, Xs are comfortable with words, 04:40 using words for everything... 04:41 whereas Y-types or low Xs are not. 04:45 So XY couples usually have difficulty with the whole 04:48 conflict resolution problem. 04:50 Just because of that, words are not your currency, 04:54 so you would prefer not to use words to solve problems. 04:57 Of course, Kory, the problem is how do you solve a problem 04:59 that you can't talk about, you know... Right 05:03 That is a big problem. 05:04 Now you guys are both Xs, if you recall in your results. 05:07 But what we've noticed is, you don't have to be an 05:09 XY couple per se to have this problem. 05:13 All you need is to have one person that is more 05:15 of an X communicator than the other 05:17 which is what you guys have right now. 05:19 So what we'll do is, we'll turn to the slide 05:21 so I can show you what's going on with the conflict resolution. 05:25 So this is called a pursuer and distancer problem, 05:32 and now it has a more technical name and the name that 05:34 scientists and therapists would use is called, 05:38 "a negative feedback loop." Okay 05:41 You'll understand where the negativity 05:42 comes in, in just a minute. 05:44 So what actually happens is, and I'm going to use you guys 05:47 as an example... 05:49 Kory, you would like to talk about something to resolve it. 05:52 Now the reason why you need resolution is because 05:55 if you don't have it, it raises your anxiety level. 05:58 They've actually tested couples and actually drawn blood 06:02 and found that your cortisol levels rise when there's a 06:06 conflict that isn't being resolved. Um hm 06:08 So then you go to Kimberly and you say "Let's talk about this." 06:12 So we have anxiety first in the feedback loop 06:15 and then you go to her and she feels a little provoked 06:20 because she would prefer to sweep it under the rug. 06:24 Now we have two types of distancers. 06:27 We have distancers who would sweep it under the rug, 06:29 think about it, you know, just turn it around 06:32 in their minds and then come back with a solution, 06:35 but we have a lot of distancers who just want it to go away. 06:40 So they would sweep that as far away and hope that you 06:42 never remember - that's the trick, that's the plan. 06:45 Hopefully, you will forget and that's their resolution, 06:48 anything that's out of sight is out of mind and resolved, 06:51 but not for you. 06:52 So she would feel like you are provoking and then 06:55 you're maintaining the behavior of the other person 06:57 if you go along with it. 06:59 So here is what this says... 07:00 Ys experience anxiety when approached to resolve conflict. 07:03 They've actually found that when Kory approaches you 07:06 to resolve something you would like to sweep away, 07:09 then your anxiety level rises., and so you withdraw. 07:15 You might withdraw by freezing up and not answering. 07:19 You might withdraw by going into another room. 07:22 You might change the topic of conversation 07:24 to something entirely different, something that you hope 07:27 will be more interesting to him, but you do anything 07:30 other than talk about it because 07:32 that would raise your anxiety level. 07:33 So what do you think happens next? 07:36 We both go crazy. Yeah! Laughter 07:40 Well, before that, what happens next is you don't give up 07:44 because now your anxiety level is rising over the fact that 07:48 she is not resolving... 07:50 So you push a little further and there is where she begins to 07:53 feel provoked... 07:55 You push, her anxiety level rises. 07:58 So it keeps going in a loop where it's escalating. 08:01 It's going, it's getting higher and higher, 08:03 and if you keep pushing, she keeps feeling more 08:05 pressured and we go in a loop until... 08:08 what do you think happens? 08:09 Maybe not with Kimberly, but with a lot of distancers 08:13 they get to the point where they explode. 08:15 They explode because you are not reading the signals 08:19 that say "stop," i.e., "I'm feeling a lot of 08:21 pressure, I'm having a lot of anxiety, 08:23 could we talk about this another time," 08:25 and you're not stopping because your anxiety 08:27 level is also rising. 08:28 You know, it's interesting, I've tried to stop, 08:31 and I'll walk away, I'll leave the room, 08:34 and I can feel my blood pressure rise and I have to turn back, 08:37 and go back and try again, honestly... 08:39 Because I know she has a problem, you know, 08:41 dealing with it right away, but I cannot walk away. 08:44 I've tried, but it doesn't last more than 5 or 6 seconds. 08:47 Laughter... Okay. Wow. 08:50 Well you guys definitely understand 08:52 what this loop is all about. 08:53 So does it mean, for instance, because as much as I don't 08:57 prefer to talk about something right away, 09:01 we do end up dealing with... I mean, lately we do end up 09:04 dealing with the situation then. 09:07 Does it mean that his X is more dominant? 09:12 In other words, why is it that, for instance, 09:15 in our case, we don't just leave it as my preference 09:19 would be, but we deal with it right away 09:22 as his preference is, does that make sense? 09:24 Oh... so you're asking why is it resolved in his way. Yes 09:29 Well, if I can leave you most of the time, it would be 70-75%. 09:34 Probably higher than that. 09:35 Well chances are... Okay, remember we have 09:37 we call it "pursuer and distancer," but let me give 09:40 you some of the other terms that are used more frequently... 09:43 "engager, demand and withdrawal," 09:47 to describe the same cycle, "confronter and ignorer," 09:53 and, of course, "pursuer and distancer." 09:55 So, depending on your personalities and just the 09:59 strength of your personality, he can come across more as 10:03 demanding that it gets resolved than you are. 10:07 So the person that is more demanding that the thing be 10:09 resolved in their way, well that's pretty much 10:12 how it's going to go... Okay 10:13 Also the person that is experiencing the high anxiety 10:16 Because if you listen to what Kory said, "He tries, 10:19 and 5 or 6 seconds and he has to turn around, right? 10:22 and he has to come back to you because the anxiety 10:24 is pushing him a lot more than your anxiety. Um hm 10:28 Now as it turns out, especially for you, but also for Kory 10:31 because he actually feels that anxiety... 10:33 If you guys decided to leave it alone and just drop it, 10:36 after the anxiety is felt, it takes about 20 minutes 10:41 for your body levels, in terms of anxiety and cortisol levels, 10:45 it takes about 20 minutes for it to go back to baseline, 10:47 for it to go back to normal, 20 minutes! 10:50 Even if you dropped it. 10:52 So this is just to give you a sense of how strong 10:54 this emotion is and what it's doing hormonally in your body. 10:58 Now, I want to say that I know how you feel, 11:01 you don't want that push every time, 11:04 but Kory, this one is going to surprise you... 11:07 What the science is saying is that the distancers 11:10 actually have sometimes a better chance of arriving at 11:14 a better solution because when you push something under the 11:19 rug, your brain - the subconscious in your brain 11:21 actually has a chance to work on the problem, 11:24 and arrive at a better solution than X-types would come up with 11:29 because you want to resolve it right away, 11:30 but maybe you haven't thought about it - thought it through 11:32 enough to really come up with the best solution. 11:35 So, we can't knock wives too hard because wives 11:38 actually have a system that allows them to have their 11:42 brain do some of the heavy lifting. Okay? 11:45 Also keep in mind that a lot of people find themselves 11:48 in that loop, especially X- types. 11:51 They're in that loop because there is no other way for them 11:56 to actually get conversation from their partners. 11:59 You ask a lot of Xs - why do you keep going like this 12:03 if you know that it's causing anxiety and they say, 12:05 "You know, I have no other way to get my husband to talk to me. 12:07 We have to start a fight, there's no other way." 12:10 But this is vitally important, you guys have to keep 12:12 working at finding a compromise. 12:14 Kory maybe 5 seconds... yeah, maybe you could 12:18 stretch it a little bit to 20 minutes. Yeah 12:20 So she has a little extra time and it's something that 12:23 is going to take a lot of practice from the two of you, 12:27 but you have to keep trying. 12:29 You have to keep trying because if you do the withdrawing, 12:31 and you do the avoiding, it actually reinforces in your 12:34 mind that this is the way you need to resolve a conflict, 12:37 and it's not healthy, not going to get anything accomplished. 12:39 There's something you said in a previous program 12:41 to us, that I thought about just now too, 12:43 but knowing how much time she needs because there are 12:45 times where we're with the whole day and it's still not 12:48 enough time, but to me, I'm thinking, 12:49 it's the end of the day, you know, 12:51 and at least we should be able to talk about it now, 12:53 so maybe I need to find out how much time is needed as well. 12:55 Very often, they need to sleep on it. Um hm 12:58 So if you try to give her a night, 13:01 if you can hold out that long, you give her a night, 13:04 and then you come the next day. 13:06 I have a question... how do you avoid the loop 13:09 altogether or is that possible? It's not possible. 13:11 Oh man... But next time, we'll talk about 13:13 ways to resolve the issue. 13:19 Kisha, Jason, Jameelah, welcome! Thank you 13:23 Today we will be discussing "conflict resolution." 13:26 You've filled out a form for me and I'm going to 13:29 share the results with you. 13:31 We asked a few questions, I'll start with Kisha. 13:38 If you're upset about something, would you prefer 13:42 to talk about it immediately until the problem is resolved, 13:46 and you said, "yes," is that correct? 13:48 Yeah for the most part, I just want to get it resolved. 13:53 You know, I don't want to sit on it, if we are there 13:56 having the conversation, I would hate for the other 13:59 person to walk away if we are in the middle talking, 14:01 so I want to be able to talk it out right there and then. 14:05 Right, the reason why I asked this question is simply because 14:08 most of our married couples have a difficult time with 14:13 conflict resolution. 14:14 The belief that used to be that a good marriage has 14:18 no conflict whatsoever... 14:19 Well, the latest research is showing that that is 14:22 absolutely not true. 14:23 We have a lot of marriages with conflict 14:25 and they're doing just fine. 14:26 The problem is, you've got to be willing to resolve 14:29 the conflict in the same way and about the same time. 14:33 So some folks want to resolve it immediately, 14:36 and others want to wait maybe a day or two. 14:39 You want to make sure that you could come in the middle 14:41 and resolve it at the same time. 14:42 But what the science is showing is that that pattern 14:45 starts before you get married. 14:47 So while you're looking for someone, 14:49 you need to be keeping your eyes open to whether or not 14:52 you guys have the same idea that you're on the same page 14:56 with regard to how you resolve conflict. 14:58 If you should meet a guy and he says to you up front, 15:02 "You know I don't want to talk about that," 15:04 and every day you approach him, "I don't want to 15:06 talk about that, that's too much confrontation," 15:08 then you need to think twice. Yeah 15:10 So that's how that was because you know that 15:11 you are the type of person you need to resolve it right away. 15:14 Yeah definitely, it just gets too burdensome 15:18 if we're not able to talk about it. 15:20 And I understand if we're both upset in the moment, 15:24 but if we can agree that we'll talk about it at a future time, 15:27 then yeah, that's fine. 15:29 So, I mean, it's important to find out. 15:31 Jason, let's see what you said... 15:34 If you're upset about something, you said you would want 15:36 to talk about it right away as well. 15:38 Yes, it's kind of a 50/50 thing though because 15:41 like if we're really upset, then we don't need to talk 15:45 about it right then, we need to go cool off 15:47 and then talk about it, but I want to get back to 15:49 being happy - so I want to talk about it as soon as possible. 15:53 And Jameelah, you also said that you would like to talk 15:57 about it pretty much right away? 15:59 Right, I mean, I agree with what Kisha and Jason have said 16:01 because I think that sometimes, depending on what you're 16:04 upset about, it's better to have a cool off period 16:06 and then talk about it because things get said 16:09 and some things may get thrown and then it's 16:12 a whole nother situation that doesn't need to be. Right 16:14 So I think it's always best to kind of gauge that, 16:18 but I do like to talk about it in that moment 16:20 to get it over with, get it done and let's keep moving forward. 16:23 Now you remember that you guys are all XX-type personalities, 16:29 and X-type personalities tend to have more of an inclination 16:36 to want to resolve things right away. 16:38 If you try to date a Y-type, 16:39 you're more likely to run into someone that says, 16:42 "I don't want to talk about this, let's push it under the 16:44 rug, let's just wait, let's talk about it tomorrow." 16:47 Hoping, of course, that you'll completely forget about it 16:49 and that's how they get things resolved because it's 16:52 out of sight, out of mind. 16:53 So again, this is another reason why you should try to date 16:56 as closely a personality type as possible. 16:59 But, you guys mentioned that you all were all single 17:02 which means that your real conflict that you're trying 17:04 to resolve right now has nothing to do with this, 17:07 but has to do with the fact that you need to figure out 17:09 how to find someone that is a good match for you, 17:12 someone that you could live with for the rest of your lives 17:14 and be happy. 17:15 So what I want to ask, starting from Kisha... 17:18 I would like to ask you to share with us a little bit about 17:20 your dating... I mean, how has this been going for you? 17:24 Well I'm 24, so I'm still young. 17:28 So I haven't dated a lot of men, but the experiences I have had 17:34 haven't been the best. 17:37 I've spent a lot of time giving a lot of myself 17:40 my time, my energy my money, and it just hasn't 17:46 worked out. All right. 17:48 And that's very typical, X- types are givers. 17:51 You guys are all givers, you will be inclined to give, 17:53 give, give and it's so perfect if you met someone that 17:56 gave you as much as you gave them, 17:57 then you have nothing to worry about, 17:59 but very often we are attracted to the opposite. 18:02 By the way, even in an XY world, opposites attract! 18:06 So you're likely to go after the Y-type folks who seem 18:10 very strong and very quiet, and very mysterious. 18:12 Jason, mysterious women tend to be very, very alluring, 18:15 very attractive until, of course, you get into the 18:18 relationship 2-3 months down the road and then when functional 18:21 spacing is gone and all of a sudden 18:23 you're wondering, "What did I do, how did I miss this one?" 18:25 Discover that mystery. Right 18:26 Tell us a little bit about your dating. 18:29 What has it been like for you? 18:31 Well it hasn't been going that well 18:32 because I'm single now. That's all right. 18:37 Like Kisha was saying, I'm a giver, I'm a caring 18:44 person, affectionate, loving, all of that stuff, 18:48 so, you know, sometimes kindness gets taken advantage of, 18:51 and then it gets taken for weakness. 18:53 That's what I've encountered and at the same time, 18:57 that I'm nice, I'm a nice guy, I'm not one to be walked over 19:01 or taken advantage of. 19:03 Do you have a strategy moving forward? 19:06 Yes... if they don't take this test, I'm not talking to them. 19:11 Laughter... That's a good idea! Right! Right! 19:15 Well said, well said! What about you Jameelah? 19:17 My experience actually has been different from Kisha and Jason. 19:20 I've had wonderful relationships, but a lot of them 19:23 have ended because of spiritual reasons. 19:26 I've never dated an Adventist before, and so, 19:29 I know I want to marry an Adventist man, 19:32 so that has always kind of been the issue and we've 19:36 always been very giving and very kind, but the spirituality, 19:41 I think, has always been the issue because then I 19:44 find myself explaining why I don't do things, 19:46 why I'm not going to do this or they ask me the same 19:48 question every Friday night... 19:50 "Well what are you doing tomorrow?" I'm going to church. 19:52 "Are you a Jehovah Witness?" 19:54 "I told you I'm Seventh-day Adventist, 19:55 I told you I'd be at church." "What time does it end?" 19:57 It's an all-day thing, you know, 20:00 so I'll talk to you later type-of-thing. 20:02 But I find myself having to explain that or having to 20:05 help them with the understanding of why I don't eat 20:09 certain things, why I don't wear certain things, 20:11 why I don't watch certain things... 20:13 And it's so much easier, I feel like to just have 20:15 somebody that is a match so an XX, but an Adventist XX, 20:20 I think, would be phenomenal. 20:21 And so that's kind of how dating has been for me. 20:27 So here's a difficult question... 20:28 How do you think you might go about finding 20:31 that Adventist XX guy, how? 20:34 Obviously, I go to church, clearly, but I think 20:39 that getting involved in different ministries, 20:42 as my friend, Kisha, suggested and doing things like that, 20:47 and kind of going to different churches and not staying 20:50 so siloed in my one church. 20:52 And really getting to know different people 20:54 and going to conferences, so I'm going to, 20:56 I think it's called "GYC?" 20:58 I've never been before, excited about it, 21:00 and so doing things like that, I think, will give me 21:03 more exposure to other Adventist people 21:07 in different churches, and even going to different 21:09 culture-type churches, like Samoan churches, 21:11 Asian churches, Spanish churches, those kind of things. 21:14 I think that's interesting as well. 21:17 Well that will be great, I'm going too. 21:19 Right, so we'll be there together! 21:21 Hopefully we'll come back and we're not saying... 21:22 Hi! We'll see. We gotta get through 21:26 that test first though, you gotta take the test. 21:28 I think I need to go to GYC and just get a shot of you guys 21:30 and see what's going on! 21:31 Yeah, but I definitely agree with what Jameelah said, 21:34 I think it's part of our mission, 21:37 part of the things that God has called us to do to just be 21:40 in ministry with other young adults 21:42 with other people serving others... 21:44 And, you know, when we're doing that, 21:46 God is going to add so much more to our life. 21:49 So that's when we can meet our man when we're out there 21:53 on a mission trip. Yeah... or a woman. 21:55 Yes or a woman. Laughter 21:57 You know, so it is about getting out there and giving to God 22:01 everything that we do - our time, 22:03 our money, our energy, all of that. 22:04 I think sincerity is the key with that too. Yeah 22:07 Because I think some people will join in and, obviously, 22:10 is to find a man and then they don't find one, 22:11 they're mad and they leave and it's like forget the 22:13 homeless people, forget people in jail, you know what you 22:16 were actually doing this for. 22:18 So I think that along with finding our match 22:20 and figuring out our personality type, we should also find our 22:23 gifts that the Lord has given us. 22:24 So I have the gift of service, so I'm good at doing that, 22:27 I like to do that, so I know that. 22:29 So that's the kind of things I should get involved with, 22:32 and then I think that also when you're not looking for something 22:34 is usually when you find it. 22:36 So if I'm enjoying what I'm doing, I'm not really looking 22:39 for a guy is usually when he'll show up. Yeah 22:41 And so I think that having that sincerity about 22:44 whatever it is you're doing for the Lord and in church, 22:47 I think, will also help. 22:51 And it's just about doing God's business, 22:53 taking care of God's people. Exactly! 22:54 And knowing that He'll take care of your business. 22:56 Yes, He said, "Seek Him first and all these things 22:58 shall be added unto you," if we are seeking Him 23:00 and focusing on Him, then everything else will 23:02 come to us and it won't be like us trying to find something 23:06 or seeking something... "Can you take this test?" 23:08 It will come - he will be the XX you need and that's it. 23:11 Absolutely, absolutely. 23:14 I met one young lady at a college and she said, 23:16 I said, "Well, you seem very hopeful" because she's single 23:19 and I said, "How is it going?" 23:22 She said, "You know, I'm very hopeful." 23:24 She said, "I don't think that God ever teases." Hmmm 23:27 And so I said, "Well, what does that mean?" 23:29 She said, "Well, I've always wanted a family, 23:30 and I've always wanted a significant other, 23:32 and I think that God put that within my heart 23:35 because some people don't, but I do and I don't think 23:37 He would tease me," and I like that. 23:39 I think that sounded pretty be good. 23:42 I have another question: How do you feel about 23:45 visiting churches because a lot of folks know that they 23:48 probably need to visit other churches so that they could 23:50 meet other young people, but feel that 23:52 it compromises the whole idea of going to church for worship. 23:56 How do you guys feel about that? 23:57 I don't know, I feel like I love the church that I go to. 24:03 I love the community, I love the service, 24:06 I love being of service to others at that specific church. 24:11 So, I don't know how I feel, 24:13 I don't know, I don't really have an opinion on it. 24:17 Because after some time, I'm thinking you know 24:19 all the guys at your church and they know you, 24:21 so, you know, after some time, if something doesn't happen 24:23 there, then the pool has been exhausted so to speak. 24:26 I wouldn't mind doing like ministries at different churches 24:29 like extending the ministry at our church to a different church 24:33 but I always have the belief that, you know you're a 24:36 member of a certain church and you give most of your time 24:39 and energy there, so spreading it to every other church 24:43 just to find a man at that point kind of doesn't make sense. 24:48 I mean, I agree with what Kisha is saying. 24:50 I think that visiting other churches is fine, 24:53 but once again, your reason you're visiting. 24:56 It's probably not because the word is so great, 24:58 and your pastor is just not that great and so 25:00 you're going to this church. 25:01 You're going there to find a man and if that's your 25:05 intention, then everything around that is going to 25:08 just to foster that belief. 25:10 So I do think extending the ministry is the best way 25:12 to do it - the best way to go about it. 25:15 It sounds like this could be very frustrating for you guys 25:19 being single, so let's continue this conversation the next time. 25:29 Today we learned that it isn't whether or not you 25:32 have conflict in your relationship that determines 25:35 the outcome, but whether you use completely different 25:39 approaches to resolve it. 25:40 Studies show that personality types, parental role models 25:45 and your past experiences are factors in how you 25:48 choose to resolve conflict. 25:49 In fact, conflict arises from individual differences 25:53 and most often occur as a signal that two people 25:56 have different ideas, desires, drives, even needs, 26:00 but when tempers flare and emotions run high, 26:03 it's usually an indication of conflicting needs. 26:06 Unresolved needs lead to distancing and breakups, 26:10 but the Bible isn't silent on the topic either. 26:12 Ephesians 4:26 says, "Let not the sun go down on your wrath." 26:17 If you're in an XY relationship, then this could change 26:20 especially for you. 26:22 There may be vast differences in how you problem-solve. 26:25 Naturally, the Y-type communicator is less 26:28 likely to want to sit at the dining table to have 26:31 an extended conversation on how to resolve an issue. 26:34 Chances are that one of you can sleep just fine 26:37 after an argument even with the matter unresolved. 26:41 The other partner - not so much. 26:43 So Ephesians 4:26 makes sense for two reasons... 26:46 One of you will suffer quite a bit of emotional 26:49 distress which will last for some time rather than 26:53 lessen with the passage of time. 26:55 You, the Y partner, should seriously consider 26:58 a compromise that relieves your partner of his burden 27:01 and stress. 27:02 The other reason is that studies show that when left unchecked, 27:06 anger and discomfort turn into their more dangerous 27:09 cousins - bitterness and resentment 27:11 the precursors to the breakdown of many relationships. 27:16 It's helpful to also point out that Ephesians is 27:18 focusing on wrath and not resolution. 27:21 There are ways and techniques to let the hot air out of 27:25 the conflict without arriving at a grand resolution. 27:29 Join us next time on "Road to Romance" |
Revised 2017-04-04