Welcome to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob.
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Jennifer, Kory,
Kimberly, welcome! Thank you
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Today we will be discussing
"conflict resolution,"
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a very, very important
topic for couples, as you know.
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Some of the latest
research is showing that you
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can look at just how
couples resolve conflict
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to determine whether or not
the marriage, the relationship
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has a chance at all.
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So I asked you to
fill out some forms for me
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that would give
me some information.
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I know you had no idea what
you were filling out except that
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some of the questions
looked familiar, right? Um hum
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But I kind of sneaked in
two extra questions to give me
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some extra information
without alerting you,
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you know, to what I was doing.
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But basically, you answered
two questions that will tell me
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how you resolve conflict,
and also, whether or not
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you are comfortable
with adapting or adopting
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in a relationship
and we'll explain that.
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So, Jennifer, let's
start with you. Okay!
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All right, the
first question was:
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"If you're
upset about something,
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would you prefer to
talk about it immediately
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until the
problem was resolved? Yes
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And you resoundingly said
"yes" to that. Absolutely!
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Okay, you're an XX
and that's very typical.
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Chances are that your husband,
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being a YY - might not
feel exactly the same way.
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Can tell me how that works?
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Absolutely so and as you rightly
said, I, most of the times,
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would want to resolve
it or talk about it. Right
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While my spouse, he prefers to,
"I'm not going to deal with this
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right now, I'm going to
just let it settle a little bit,
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and I'm going to come
back to the table with this,"
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and I'm like, "No, no,
no, no, no, let's get this out
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and deal with it and done with
it," so, yeah, absolutely so.
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Okay, so that is
true with you. Yeah
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The other question we asked:
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"Would you prefer
to adapt much or adjust
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to someone in a relationship?"
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And you said, "For us, which
means that you have no problem
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adjusting." Correct
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Relationships
obviously thrive when two people
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are willing to
make the adjustments
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because no two people are
exactly alike. Absolutely!
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So, I'll explain to you
why you have that difference
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between you and your
husband with regard to the
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conflict as we go along.
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Let's turn to Kimberly!
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Kimberly, let's
see what you said.
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If you're upset about
something, you would prefer to
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talk about it
immediately, and he said, "No,"
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and Kory is shaking
his head which means
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he completely
totally agrees with you.
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So Kory, I should
just ask you - that's a no?
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She would prefer not
to, yeah? No? Probably not.
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Yeah? Okay.
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And as far as adapting,
you said that you would
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prefer not to adapt
if you could help it.
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I mean, we all know that we
have to adapt in a relationship,
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but you prefer NOT TO.
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Change is not really my
best friend, but it's something
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you know, you do because
you know that in order to make
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things work, you
have to give and take.
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So if I had a
preference, you know, I would
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keep things as they are,
but because it's not all about
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my preference,
then you have to adjust.
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Remember on a previous program,
we had the list and stasis
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or sameness was on the list.
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Remember you are borderline
in terms of your personality
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which means that, more
than Kory, you would prefer
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to, as you said, maintain the
status quo as much as possible,
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and Kory, you need to know that
that is her MO most of the time.
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Right? Well, let's
take a look at Kory's case.
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Kory, you said, "Yes, you
prefer to resolve the conflict
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right away and you
agree with that, right? Um hm
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Okay, let's see what
you said for "adapting."
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You prefer to not
have to adapt too much.
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No, no, I don't mind adapting.
You don't mind adapting.
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I think I
circled "no" by accident.
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Oh, all right, okay. Yes
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So okay, so you
don't mind adapting.
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Again, Xs have a much
easier time with adjusting
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and making, you
know, adaptations.
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So, what we need
to do next is explain
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why we have this difference.
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As you know, Xs are
comfortable with words,
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using words for everything...
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whereas Y-types
or low Xs are not.
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So XY couples usually
have difficulty with the whole
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conflict resolution problem.
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Just because of that,
words are not your currency,
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so you would prefer not to
use words to solve problems.
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Of course, Kory, the problem
is how do you solve a problem
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that you can't talk
about, you know... Right
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That is a big problem.
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Now you guys are both Xs,
if you recall in your results.
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But what we've noticed
is, you don't have to be an
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XY couple per se
to have this problem.
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All you need is to
have one person that is more
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of an X
communicator than the other
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which is what you
guys have right now.
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So what we'll do is,
we'll turn to the slide
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so I can show you what's going
on with the conflict resolution.
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So this is called a
pursuer and distancer problem,
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and now it has a more
technical name and the name that
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scientists and
therapists would use is called,
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"a negative feedback loop." Okay
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You'll understand
where the negativity
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comes in, in just a minute.
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So what actually happens is,
and I'm going to use you guys
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as an example...
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Kory, you would like to talk
about something to resolve it.
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Now the reason why you
need resolution is because
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if you don't have it, it
raises your anxiety level.
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They've actually tested
couples and actually drawn blood
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and found that your cortisol
levels rise when there's a
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conflict that isn't
being resolved. Um hm
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So then you go to Kimberly and
you say "Let's talk about this."
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So we have anxiety
first in the feedback loop
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and then you go to her and
she feels a little provoked
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because she would prefer
to sweep it under the rug.
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Now we have two
types of distancers.
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We have distancers who
would sweep it under the rug,
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think about it, you
know, just turn it around
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in their minds and then
come back with a solution,
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but we have a lot of distancers
who just want it to go away.
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So they would sweep that
as far away and hope that you
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never remember - that's
the trick, that's the plan.
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Hopefully, you will forget
and that's their resolution,
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anything that's out of sight
is out of mind and resolved,
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but not for you.
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So she would feel like
you are provoking and then
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you're maintaining the
behavior of the other person
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if you go along with it.
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So here is what this says...
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Ys experience anxiety when
approached to resolve conflict.
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They've actually found
that when Kory approaches you
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to resolve something you
would like to sweep away,
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then your anxiety level
rises., and so you withdraw.
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You might withdraw by
freezing up and not answering.
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You might withdraw by
going into another room.
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You might change the
topic of conversation
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to something entirely different,
something that you hope
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will be more interesting
to him, but you do anything
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other than talk about it because
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that would raise
your anxiety level.
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So what do you
think happens next?
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We both go crazy. Yeah! Laughter
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Well, before that, what happens
next is you don't give up
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because now your anxiety level
is rising over the fact that
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she is not resolving...
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So you push a little further
and there is where she begins to
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feel provoked...
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You push, her
anxiety level rises.
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So it keeps going in a
loop where it's escalating.
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It's going, it's
getting higher and higher,
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and if you keep
pushing, she keeps feeling more
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pressured and we
go in a loop until...
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what do you think happens?
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Maybe not with Kimberly,
but with a lot of distancers
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they get to the
point where they explode.
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They explode because you
are not reading the signals
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that say "stop,"
i.e., "I'm feeling a lot of
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pressure, I'm
having a lot of anxiety,
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could we talk
about this another time,"
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and you're not
stopping because your anxiety
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level is also rising.
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You know, it's
interesting, I've tried to stop,
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and I'll walk away,
I'll leave the room,
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and I can feel my blood pressure
rise and I have to turn back,
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and go back and
try again, honestly...
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Because I know she
has a problem, you know,
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dealing with it right
away, but I cannot walk away.
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I've tried, but it doesn't
last more than 5 or 6 seconds.
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Laughter... Okay. Wow.
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Well you guys
definitely understand
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what this loop is all about.
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So does it mean, for instance,
because as much as I don't
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prefer to talk about
something right away,
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we do end up dealing with...
I mean, lately we do end up
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dealing with the situation then.
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Does it mean that
his X is more dominant?
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In other words, why
is it that, for instance,
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in our case, we don't
just leave it as my preference
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would be, but we
deal with it right away
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as his preference
is, does that make sense?
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Oh... so you're asking why
is it resolved in his way. Yes
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Well, if I can leave you most
of the time, it would be 70-75%.
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Probably higher than that.
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Well chances are...
Okay, remember we have
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we call it "pursuer and
distancer," but let me give
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you some of the other terms
that are used more frequently...
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"engager,
demand and withdrawal,"
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to describe the same
cycle, "confronter and ignorer,"
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and, of course,
"pursuer and distancer."
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So, depending on your
personalities and just the
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strength of your personality,
he can come across more as
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demanding that it
gets resolved than you are.
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So the person that is more
demanding that the thing be
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resolved in their way,
well that's pretty much
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how it's going to go... Okay
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Also the person that is
experiencing the high anxiety
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Because if you listen to
what Kory said, "He tries,
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and 5 or 6 seconds and he
has to turn around, right?
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and he has to come back
to you because the anxiety
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is pushing him a lot
more than your anxiety. Um hm
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Now as it turns out, especially
for you, but also for Kory
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because he actually
feels that anxiety...
00:10:31.76\00:10:33.29
If you guys decided to
leave it alone and just drop it,
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after the anxiety is
felt, it takes about 20 minutes
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for your body levels, in terms
of anxiety and cortisol levels,
00:10:41.24\00:10:45.31
it takes about 20 minutes
for it to go back to baseline,
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for it to go back
to normal, 20 minutes!
00:10:47.64\00:10:50.15
Even if you dropped it.
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So this is just to give
you a sense of how strong
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this emotion is and what it's
doing hormonally in your body.
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Now, I want to say
that I know how you feel,
00:10:58.39\00:11:01.82
you don't want
that push every time,
00:11:01.86\00:11:04.69
but Kory, this one is
going to surprise you...
00:11:04.73\00:11:07.40
What the science is
saying is that the distancers
00:11:07.43\00:11:10.07
actually have sometimes a
better chance of arriving at
00:11:10.10\00:11:14.74
a better solution because when
you push something under the
00:11:14.77\00:11:19.07
rug, your brain - the
subconscious in your brain
00:11:19.11\00:11:21.74
actually has a chance
to work on the problem,
00:11:21.78\00:11:24.25
and arrive at a better solution
than X-types would come up with
00:11:24.28\00:11:29.05
because you want to
resolve it right away,
00:11:29.08\00:11:30.52
but maybe you haven't thought
about it - thought it through
00:11:30.55\00:11:32.92
enough to really come
up with the best solution.
00:11:32.95\00:11:35.79
So, we can't knock
wives too hard because wives
00:11:35.82\00:11:38.86
actually have a system
that allows them to have their
00:11:38.89\00:11:42.53
brain do some of
the heavy lifting. Okay?
00:11:42.56\00:11:45.77
Also keep in mind that a
lot of people find themselves
00:11:45.80\00:11:48.54
in that loop,
especially X- types.
00:11:48.57\00:11:51.87
They're in that loop because
there is no other way for them
00:11:51.91\00:11:56.14
to actually get conversation
from their partners.
00:11:56.18\00:11:59.91
You ask a lot of Xs - why
do you keep going like this
00:11:59.95\00:12:03.65
if you know that it's
causing anxiety and they say,
00:12:03.69\00:12:05.15
"You know, I have no other way
to get my husband to talk to me.
00:12:05.19\00:12:07.02
We have to start a
fight, there's no other way."
00:12:07.06\00:12:10.09
But this is vitally
important, you guys have to keep
00:12:10.13\00:12:12.86
working at finding a compromise.
00:12:12.89\00:12:14.63
Kory maybe 5
seconds... yeah, maybe you could
00:12:14.66\00:12:18.47
stretch it a little
bit to 20 minutes. Yeah
00:12:18.50\00:12:20.07
So she has a little extra
time and it's something that
00:12:20.10\00:12:23.00
is going to take a lot of
practice from the two of you,
00:12:23.04\00:12:27.08
but you have to keep trying.
00:12:27.11\00:12:29.01
You have to keep trying because
if you do the withdrawing,
00:12:29.04\00:12:31.21
and you do the avoiding,
it actually reinforces in your
00:12:31.25\00:12:34.78
mind that this is the way
you need to resolve a conflict,
00:12:34.82\00:12:37.02
and it's not healthy, not going
to get anything accomplished.
00:12:37.05\00:12:39.32
There's something you
said in a previous program
00:12:39.35\00:12:41.19
to us, that I
thought about just now too,
00:12:41.22\00:12:43.12
but knowing how much time
she needs because there are
00:12:43.16\00:12:45.63
times where we're with the
whole day and it's still not
00:12:45.66\00:12:48.23
enough time, but
to me, I'm thinking,
00:12:48.26\00:12:49.60
it's the end of
the day, you know,
00:12:49.63\00:12:51.23
and at least we should be
able to talk about it now,
00:12:51.27\00:12:52.97
so maybe I need to find out
how much time is needed as well.
00:12:53.00\00:12:55.60
Very often, they
need to sleep on it. Um hm
00:12:55.64\00:12:58.17
So if you try to
give her a night,
00:12:58.21\00:13:01.54
if you can hold out that
long, you give her a night,
00:13:01.58\00:13:04.68
and then you come the next day.
00:13:04.71\00:13:06.05
I have a question...
how do you avoid the loop
00:13:06.51\00:13:09.08
altogether or is that
possible? It's not possible.
00:13:09.12\00:13:11.35
Oh man... But next
time, we'll talk about
00:13:11.39\00:13:13.52
ways to resolve the issue.
00:13:13.56\00:13:15.19
Kisha, Jason,
Jameelah, welcome! Thank you
00:13:19.79\00:13:23.40
Today we will be discussing
"conflict resolution."
00:13:23.43\00:13:26.33
You've filled out a
form for me and I'm going to
00:13:26.37\00:13:29.54
share the results with you.
00:13:29.57\00:13:31.31
We asked a few questions,
I'll start with Kisha.
00:13:31.34\00:13:37.71
If you're upset about
something, would you prefer
00:13:38.98\00:13:42.62
to talk about it immediately
until the problem is resolved,
00:13:42.65\00:13:46.02
and you said,
"yes," is that correct?
00:13:46.05\00:13:48.62
Yeah for the most part, I
just want to get it resolved.
00:13:48.66\00:13:52.99
You know, I don't want to
sit on it, if we are there
00:13:53.03\00:13:56.53
having the conversation,
I would hate for the other
00:13:56.56\00:13:59.00
person to walk away if we
are in the middle talking,
00:13:59.03\00:14:01.84
so I want to be able to talk
it out right there and then.
00:14:01.87\00:14:05.04
Right, the reason why I asked
this question is simply because
00:14:05.07\00:14:08.68
most of our married couples
have a difficult time with
00:14:08.71\00:14:13.18
conflict resolution.
00:14:13.21\00:14:14.65
The belief that used to
be that a good marriage has
00:14:14.68\00:14:18.19
no conflict whatsoever...
00:14:18.22\00:14:19.82
Well, the latest
research is showing that that is
00:14:19.85\00:14:22.12
absolutely not true.
00:14:22.16\00:14:23.56
We have a lot of
marriages with conflict
00:14:23.59\00:14:25.46
and they're doing just fine.
00:14:25.49\00:14:26.83
The problem is, you've
got to be willing to resolve
00:14:26.86\00:14:29.20
the conflict in the same
way and about the same time.
00:14:29.23\00:14:33.50
So some folks want to
resolve it immediately,
00:14:33.54\00:14:36.54
and others want to
wait maybe a day or two.
00:14:36.57\00:14:39.31
You want to make sure that
you could come in the middle
00:14:39.34\00:14:41.14
and resolve it at the same time.
00:14:41.18\00:14:42.68
But what the science is
showing is that that pattern
00:14:42.71\00:14:45.35
starts before you get married.
00:14:45.38\00:14:47.58
So while you're
looking for someone,
00:14:47.62\00:14:49.28
you need to be keeping
your eyes open to whether or not
00:14:49.32\00:14:52.35
you guys have the same idea
that you're on the same page
00:14:52.39\00:14:56.76
with regard to how
you resolve conflict.
00:14:56.79\00:14:58.49
If you should meet a guy
and he says to you up front,
00:14:58.53\00:15:02.00
"You know I don't
want to talk about that,"
00:15:02.03\00:15:04.30
and every day you
approach him, "I don't want to
00:15:04.33\00:15:06.77
talk about that, that's
too much confrontation,"
00:15:06.80\00:15:08.40
then you need to
think twice. Yeah
00:15:08.44\00:15:10.44
So that's how that
was because you know that
00:15:10.47\00:15:11.94
you are the type of person you
need to resolve it right away.
00:15:11.97\00:15:14.28
Yeah definitely, it
just gets too burdensome
00:15:14.31\00:15:18.18
if we're not
able to talk about it.
00:15:18.21\00:15:20.12
And I understand if
we're both upset in the moment,
00:15:20.15\00:15:24.05
but if we can agree that we'll
talk about it at a future time,
00:15:24.32\00:15:27.86
then yeah, that's fine.
00:15:27.89\00:15:29.39
So, I mean, it's
important to find out.
00:15:29.42\00:15:31.33
Jason, let's
see what you said...
00:15:31.36\00:15:33.96
If you're upset about something,
you said you would want
00:15:34.00\00:15:36.73
to talk about it
right away as well.
00:15:36.77\00:15:38.10
Yes, it's kind of a
50/50 thing though because
00:15:38.13\00:15:41.47
like if we're really upset,
then we don't need to talk
00:15:41.50\00:15:45.01
about it right then,
we need to go cool off
00:15:45.04\00:15:47.24
and then talk about it,
but I want to get back to
00:15:47.28\00:15:49.34
being happy - so I want to talk
about it as soon as possible.
00:15:49.38\00:15:53.58
And Jameelah, you also
said that you would like to talk
00:15:53.62\00:15:57.85
about it pretty much right away?
00:15:57.89\00:15:59.22
Right, I mean, I agree with
what Kisha and Jason have said
00:15:59.25\00:16:01.82
because I think that sometimes,
depending on what you're
00:16:01.86\00:16:04.43
upset about, it's better
to have a cool off period
00:16:04.46\00:16:06.83
and then talk about it
because things get said
00:16:06.86\00:16:09.46
and some things may
get thrown and then it's
00:16:09.50\00:16:12.13
a whole nother situation
that doesn't need to be. Right
00:16:12.17\00:16:14.80
So I think it's always
best to kind of gauge that,
00:16:14.84\00:16:18.44
but I do like to talk
about it in that moment
00:16:18.47\00:16:20.94
to get it over with, get it done
and let's keep moving forward.
00:16:20.98\00:16:23.95
Now you remember that you guys
are all XX-type personalities,
00:16:23.98\00:16:29.48
and X-type personalities tend
to have more of an inclination
00:16:29.52\00:16:36.66
to want to
resolve things right away.
00:16:36.69\00:16:38.23
If you try to date a Y-type,
00:16:38.26\00:16:39.89
you're more likely to
run into someone that says,
00:16:39.93\00:16:41.96
"I don't want to talk about
this, let's push it under the
00:16:42.00\00:16:44.40
rug, let's just wait,
let's talk about it tomorrow."
00:16:44.43\00:16:47.27
Hoping, of course, that you'll
completely forget about it
00:16:47.30\00:16:49.37
and that's how they get
things resolved because it's
00:16:49.40\00:16:52.11
out of sight, out of mind.
00:16:52.14\00:16:53.48
So again, this is another reason
why you should try to date
00:16:53.51\00:16:56.14
as closely a
personality type as possible.
00:16:56.18\00:16:59.08
But, you guys mentioned
that you all were all single
00:16:59.11\00:17:02.45
which means that your real
conflict that you're trying
00:17:02.48\00:17:04.69
to resolve right now
has nothing to do with this,
00:17:04.72\00:17:06.99
but has to do with the
fact that you need to figure out
00:17:07.02\00:17:09.89
how to find someone
that is a good match for you,
00:17:09.92\00:17:12.16
someone that you could live
with for the rest of your lives
00:17:12.19\00:17:14.13
and be happy.
00:17:14.16\00:17:15.66
So what I want to
ask, starting from Kisha...
00:17:15.70\00:17:18.27
I would like to ask you to
share with us a little bit about
00:17:18.30\00:17:20.90
your dating... I mean, how
has this been going for you?
00:17:20.94\00:17:24.11
Well I'm 24, so I'm still young.
00:17:24.14\00:17:28.04
So I haven't dated a lot of men,
but the experiences I have had
00:17:28.08\00:17:34.05
haven't been the best.
00:17:34.08\00:17:37.15
I've spent a lot of
time giving a lot of myself
00:17:37.19\00:17:40.56
my time, my energy my
money, and it just hasn't
00:17:40.59\00:17:46.86
worked out. All right.
00:17:46.90\00:17:48.80
And that's very
typical, X- types are givers.
00:17:48.83\00:17:51.10
You guys are all givers,
you will be inclined to give,
00:17:51.13\00:17:53.44
give, give and it's so
perfect if you met someone that
00:17:53.47\00:17:56.00
gave you as much
as you gave them,
00:17:56.04\00:17:57.81
then you have
nothing to worry about,
00:17:57.84\00:17:59.17
but very often we are
attracted to the opposite.
00:17:59.21\00:18:02.34
By the way, even in an
XY world, opposites attract!
00:18:02.38\00:18:06.01
So you're likely to go
after the Y-type folks who seem
00:18:06.05\00:18:10.12
very strong and very
quiet, and very mysterious.
00:18:10.15\00:18:12.25
Jason, mysterious women
tend to be very, very alluring,
00:18:12.29\00:18:15.92
very attractive until,
of course, you get into the
00:18:15.96\00:18:18.69
relationship 2-3 months down the
road and then when functional
00:18:18.73\00:18:21.80
spacing is gone
and all of a sudden
00:18:21.83\00:18:23.23
you're wondering, "What did
I do, how did I miss this one?"
00:18:23.26\00:18:25.40
Discover that mystery. Right
00:18:25.43\00:18:26.84
Tell us a little
bit about your dating.
00:18:26.87\00:18:29.90
What has it been like for you?
00:18:29.94\00:18:31.27
Well it hasn't
been going that well
00:18:31.31\00:18:32.77
because I'm single
now. That's all right.
00:18:32.81\00:18:37.51
Like Kisha was saying,
I'm a giver, I'm a caring
00:18:37.55\00:18:44.72
person, affectionate,
loving, all of that stuff,
00:18:44.75\00:18:48.22
so, you know, sometimes kindness
gets taken advantage of,
00:18:48.26\00:18:51.76
and then it gets
taken for weakness.
00:18:51.79\00:18:53.83
That's what I've encountered
and at the same time,
00:18:53.86\00:18:57.83
that I'm nice, I'm a nice guy,
I'm not one to be walked over
00:18:57.87\00:19:01.44
or taken advantage of.
00:19:01.47\00:19:03.87
Do you have a
strategy moving forward?
00:19:03.91\00:19:05.97
Yes... if they don't take this
test, I'm not talking to them.
00:19:06.01\00:19:11.38
Laughter... That's a
good idea! Right! Right!
00:19:11.41\00:19:15.15
Well said, well said!
What about you Jameelah?
00:19:15.18\00:19:17.39
My experience actually has been
different from Kisha and Jason.
00:19:17.42\00:19:20.56
I've had wonderful
relationships, but a lot of them
00:19:20.59\00:19:23.83
have ended because
of spiritual reasons.
00:19:23.86\00:19:26.13
I've never dated an
Adventist before, and so,
00:19:26.16\00:19:29.43
I know I want to
marry an Adventist man,
00:19:29.46\00:19:32.00
so that has always kind
of been the issue and we've
00:19:32.03\00:19:36.91
always been very giving and
very kind, but the spirituality,
00:19:36.94\00:19:41.94
I think, has always
been the issue because then I
00:19:41.98\00:19:44.11
find myself explaining
why I don't do things,
00:19:44.15\00:19:46.15
why I'm not going to do
this or they ask me the same
00:19:46.18\00:19:48.58
question every Friday night...
00:19:48.62\00:19:50.82
"Well what are you doing
tomorrow?" I'm going to church.
00:19:50.85\00:19:52.49
"Are you a Jehovah Witness?"
00:19:52.52\00:19:54.02
"I told you I'm
Seventh-day Adventist,
00:19:54.06\00:19:55.92
I told you I'd be at church."
"What time does it end?"
00:19:55.99\00:19:57.83
It's an all-day thing, you know,
00:19:57.86\00:20:00.16
so I'll talk to you
later type-of-thing.
00:20:00.20\00:20:02.36
But I find myself having
to explain that or having to
00:20:02.40\00:20:05.90
help them with the
understanding of why I don't eat
00:20:05.93\00:20:09.44
certain things, why I
don't wear certain things,
00:20:09.47\00:20:11.47
why I don't
watch certain things...
00:20:11.51\00:20:13.07
And it's so much
easier, I feel like to just have
00:20:13.11\00:20:15.48
somebody that is a match
so an XX, but an Adventist XX,
00:20:15.51\00:20:20.15
I think, would be phenomenal.
00:20:20.18\00:20:21.72
And so that's kind of
how dating has been for me.
00:20:21.75\00:20:27.22
So here's a
difficult question...
00:20:27.26\00:20:28.66
How do you think you
might go about finding
00:20:28.69\00:20:31.06
that Adventist XX guy, how?
00:20:31.09\00:20:34.83
Obviously, I go to
church, clearly, but I think
00:20:34.86\00:20:39.13
that getting involved
in different ministries,
00:20:39.17\00:20:42.70
as my friend, Kisha, suggested
and doing things like that,
00:20:42.74\00:20:47.74
and kind of going to different
churches and not staying
00:20:47.78\00:20:50.05
so siloed in my one church.
00:20:50.08\00:20:52.68
And really getting
to know different people
00:20:52.71\00:20:54.68
and going to
conferences, so I'm going to,
00:20:54.72\00:20:56.79
I think it's called "GYC?"
00:20:56.82\00:20:58.72
I've never been
before, excited about it,
00:20:58.75\00:21:00.76
and so doing things like
that, I think, will give me
00:21:00.79\00:21:03.83
more exposure to
other Adventist people
00:21:03.86\00:21:07.66
in different churches,
and even going to different
00:21:07.70\00:21:09.83
culture-type
churches, like Samoan churches,
00:21:09.86\00:21:11.90
Asian churches, Spanish
churches, those kind of things.
00:21:11.93\00:21:14.87
I think that's
interesting as well.
00:21:14.90\00:21:17.01
Well that will be
great, I'm going too.
00:21:17.04\00:21:19.71
Right, so we'll
be there together!
00:21:19.74\00:21:21.54
Hopefully we'll come
back and we're not saying...
00:21:21.58\00:21:22.94
Hi! We'll see.
We gotta get through
00:21:22.98\00:21:26.41
that test first though,
you gotta take the test.
00:21:26.45\00:21:28.18
I think I need to go to GYC
and just get a shot of you guys
00:21:28.22\00:21:30.32
and see what's going on!
00:21:30.39\00:21:31.72
Yeah, but I definitely
agree with what Jameelah said,
00:21:31.75\00:21:34.96
I think it's
part of our mission,
00:21:34.99\00:21:37.39
part of the things that God
has called us to do to just be
00:21:37.43\00:21:40.33
in ministry with
other young adults
00:21:40.36\00:21:42.53
with other
people serving others...
00:21:42.56\00:21:44.57
And, you know,
when we're doing that,
00:21:44.63\00:21:46.60
God is going to add
so much more to our life.
00:21:46.63\00:21:49.14
So that's when we can meet
our man when we're out there
00:21:49.17\00:21:53.11
on a mission trip.
Yeah... or a woman.
00:21:53.14\00:21:55.21
Yes or a woman. Laughter
00:21:55.24\00:21:57.68
You know, so it is about getting
out there and giving to God
00:21:57.71\00:22:01.75
everything that
we do - our time,
00:22:01.78\00:22:03.18
our money, our
energy, all of that.
00:22:03.22\00:22:04.55
I think sincerity is
the key with that too. Yeah
00:22:04.59\00:22:06.99
Because I think some people
will join in and, obviously,
00:22:07.02\00:22:10.33
is to find a man and
then they don't find one,
00:22:10.36\00:22:11.96
they're mad and they
leave and it's like forget the
00:22:11.99\00:22:13.70
homeless people, forget people
in jail, you know what you
00:22:13.73\00:22:16.20
were actually doing this for.
00:22:16.23\00:22:18.07
So I think that along
with finding our match
00:22:18.10\00:22:20.54
and figuring out our personality
type, we should also find our
00:22:20.57\00:22:23.24
gifts that the
Lord has given us.
00:22:23.27\00:22:24.64
So I have the gift of service,
so I'm good at doing that,
00:22:24.67\00:22:27.51
I like to do
that, so I know that.
00:22:27.54\00:22:29.71
So that's the kind of things
I should get involved with,
00:22:29.74\00:22:32.11
and then I think that also when
you're not looking for something
00:22:32.15\00:22:34.95
is usually when you find it.
00:22:34.98\00:22:36.45
So if I'm enjoying what I'm
doing, I'm not really looking
00:22:36.48\00:22:39.19
for a guy is usually
when he'll show up. Yeah
00:22:39.22\00:22:41.32
And so I think that
having that sincerity about
00:22:41.36\00:22:44.89
whatever it is you're doing
for the Lord and in church,
00:22:44.93\00:22:47.76
I think, will also help.
00:22:47.80\00:22:51.33
And it's just about
doing God's business,
00:22:51.37\00:22:53.57
taking care of
God's people. Exactly!
00:22:53.60\00:22:54.94
And knowing that He'll
take care of your business.
00:22:54.97\00:22:56.67
Yes, He said, "Seek Him
first and all these things
00:22:56.71\00:22:58.44
shall be added unto
you," if we are seeking Him
00:22:58.47\00:23:00.78
and focusing on Him,
then everything else will
00:23:00.81\00:23:02.88
come to us and it won't be
like us trying to find something
00:23:02.91\00:23:06.51
or seeking something...
"Can you take this test?"
00:23:06.55\00:23:08.38
It will come - he will be
the XX you need and that's it.
00:23:08.42\00:23:11.89
Absolutely, absolutely.
00:23:11.92\00:23:14.09
I met one young lady
at a college and she said,
00:23:14.12\00:23:16.46
I said, "Well, you seem very
hopeful" because she's single
00:23:16.49\00:23:19.93
and I said, "How is it going?"
00:23:19.96\00:23:22.10
She said, "You
know, I'm very hopeful."
00:23:22.13\00:23:23.97
She said, "I don't think
that God ever teases." Hmmm
00:23:24.00\00:23:27.57
And so I said,
"Well, what does that mean?"
00:23:27.60\00:23:29.14
She said, "Well, I've
always wanted a family,
00:23:29.17\00:23:30.84
and I've always
wanted a significant other,
00:23:30.87\00:23:32.51
and I think that God
put that within my heart
00:23:32.54\00:23:35.04
because some people don't,
but I do and I don't think
00:23:35.08\00:23:37.61
He would tease
me," and I like that.
00:23:37.65\00:23:39.78
I think that
sounded pretty be good.
00:23:39.81\00:23:42.05
I have another
question: How do you feel about
00:23:42.08\00:23:45.15
visiting churches because
a lot of folks know that they
00:23:45.19\00:23:48.22
probably need to visit other
churches so that they could
00:23:48.26\00:23:49.99
meet other young
people, but feel that
00:23:50.03\00:23:52.23
it compromises the whole idea
of going to church for worship.
00:23:52.26\00:23:56.03
How do you guys feel about that?
00:23:56.06\00:23:57.40
I don't know, I feel like I
love the church that I go to.
00:23:57.43\00:24:03.37
I love the
community, I love the service,
00:24:03.41\00:24:06.41
I love being of service to
others at that specific church.
00:24:06.44\00:24:11.45
So, I don't know how I feel,
00:24:11.48\00:24:13.52
I don't know, I don't
really have an opinion on it.
00:24:13.55\00:24:16.99
Because after some
time, I'm thinking you know
00:24:17.02\00:24:18.99
all the guys at your
church and they know you,
00:24:19.05\00:24:20.99
so, you know, after some time,
if something doesn't happen
00:24:21.02\00:24:23.59
there, then the pool has
been exhausted so to speak.
00:24:23.63\00:24:26.46
I wouldn't mind doing like
ministries at different churches
00:24:26.49\00:24:29.16
like extending the ministry at
our church to a different church
00:24:29.20\00:24:33.20
but I always have the
belief that, you know you're a
00:24:33.23\00:24:36.30
member of a certain church
and you give most of your time
00:24:36.34\00:24:39.51
and energy there, so spreading
it to every other church
00:24:39.54\00:24:43.48
just to find a man at that point
kind of doesn't make sense.
00:24:43.51\00:24:48.32
I mean, I agree with
what Kisha is saying.
00:24:48.35\00:24:50.39
I think that visiting
other churches is fine,
00:24:50.42\00:24:53.29
but once again, your
reason you're visiting.
00:24:53.32\00:24:56.02
It's probably not
because the word is so great,
00:24:56.06\00:24:58.09
and your pastor is
just not that great and so
00:24:58.13\00:25:00.33
you're going to this church.
00:25:00.36\00:25:01.73
You're going there to
find a man and if that's your
00:25:01.76\00:25:05.07
intention, then everything
around that is going to
00:25:05.10\00:25:08.00
just to foster that belief.
00:25:08.04\00:25:10.17
So I do think extending
the ministry is the best way
00:25:10.21\00:25:12.84
to do it - the
best way to go about it.
00:25:12.87\00:25:15.48
It sounds like this could be
very frustrating for you guys
00:25:15.51\00:25:19.28
being single, so let's continue
this conversation the next time.
00:25:19.31\00:25:24.49
Today we learned that
it isn't whether or not you
00:25:29.69\00:25:32.69
have conflict in your
relationship that determines
00:25:32.73\00:25:35.50
the outcome, but whether
you use completely different
00:25:35.53\00:25:39.23
approaches to resolve it.
00:25:39.27\00:25:40.87
Studies show that personality
types, parental role models
00:25:40.90\00:25:45.01
and your past experiences
are factors in how you
00:25:45.04\00:25:48.21
choose to resolve conflict.
00:25:48.24\00:25:49.74
In fact, conflict arises
from individual differences
00:25:49.78\00:25:53.15
and most often occur as
a signal that two people
00:25:53.18\00:25:56.79
have different ideas,
desires, drives, even needs,
00:25:56.82\00:26:00.96
but when tempers
flare and emotions run high,
00:26:00.99\00:26:03.73
it's usually an
indication of conflicting needs.
00:26:03.76\00:26:06.53
Unresolved needs lead
to distancing and breakups,
00:26:06.56\00:26:10.17
but the Bible isn't
silent on the topic either.
00:26:10.20\00:26:12.90
Ephesians 4:26 says, "Let not
the sun go down on your wrath."
00:26:12.93\00:26:17.44
If you're in an XY relationship,
then this could change
00:26:17.47\00:26:20.78
especially for you.
00:26:20.81\00:26:22.18
There may be vast differences
in how you problem-solve.
00:26:22.21\00:26:25.41
Naturally, the
Y-type communicator is less
00:26:25.45\00:26:28.35
likely to want to sit
at the dining table to have
00:26:28.38\00:26:31.19
an extended conversation
on how to resolve an issue.
00:26:31.22\00:26:34.06
Chances are that one
of you can sleep just fine
00:26:34.09\00:26:37.53
after an argument even
with the matter unresolved.
00:26:37.56\00:26:41.33
The other partner - not so much.
00:26:41.36\00:26:43.50
So Ephesians 4:26 makes
sense for two reasons...
00:26:43.53\00:26:46.70
One of you will suffer
quite a bit of emotional
00:26:46.74\00:26:49.67
distress which will last
for some time rather than
00:26:49.70\00:26:53.07
lessen with the passage of time.
00:26:53.11\00:26:55.18
You, the Y partner,
should seriously consider
00:26:55.21\00:26:58.21
a compromise that relieves
your partner of his burden
00:26:58.25\00:27:01.48
and stress.
00:27:01.52\00:27:02.85
The other reason is that studies
show that when left unchecked,
00:27:02.88\00:27:05.99
anger and discomfort
turn into their more dangerous
00:27:06.02\00:27:09.16
cousins -
bitterness and resentment
00:27:09.19\00:27:11.96
the precursors to the
breakdown of many relationships.
00:27:11.99\00:27:15.96
It's helpful to also
point out that Ephesians is
00:27:16.00\00:27:18.47
focusing on wrath
and not resolution.
00:27:18.50\00:27:21.77
There are ways and techniques
to let the hot air out of
00:27:21.80\00:27:25.67
the conflict without
arriving at a grand resolution.
00:27:25.71\00:27:29.11
Join us next time
on "Road to Romance"
00:27:29.14\00:27:31.21