Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Jameela & Jason, Jennifer, Kisha, Kory & Kimberly
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000010
|
00:25 Welcome back to "Road to Romance"
00:28 Kisha, Jason, Jameelah, Welcome! Thank you 00:32 Today we will cover one-way relationships 00:35 or what you would call a one-sided relationship. 00:38 I'm sure each of you might have, at some point in time, 00:41 experienced a relationship where you were giving more 00:45 than you were receiving. 00:47 Does anyone want to tell me about that? 00:51 Um, it's a hard situation knowing that you care about 00:58 somebody, but not feeling like 01:00 they care about you in the same way. 01:03 So is this once the relationship has started or... 01:07 Yeah, it was kind of like what we've talked about before, 01:10 you know, once you get past that social phase of, you know, or 01:13 infatuation stage where you're actually getting to know 01:18 the person and you get to that point and you're like, 01:20 "Yeah, this is something that I want to continue 01:24 and give it my all," and then you realize the person 01:28 on the other side is kind of like, "Nah." 01:32 And the problem is you have no clue. Yeah 01:35 There's no way to tell. 01:36 There's something we call "functional faking," 01:38 and Y-types, you guys are all X- types, but Y-types 01:43 actually practice functional faking, it's nothing malicious. 01:46 Again, it's something that hormones allow them to do. 01:49 They know that they have to come with certain attributes 01:52 when they're approaching you, so they have to bring it. 01:55 They have to fake it, they have to do whatever 01:57 you need to see so that you can move forward, 02:00 and then when they get to a certain point, 02:02 when the game isn't going to work anymore, 02:04 then they take off, they pull back, they withdraw. 02:08 Very often that is to your credit, to your benefit 02:11 because you wouldn't want them to keep going 02:13 with the faking and with the fooling because at 02:15 some point, you'll wake up one morning you 02:17 will be someone's wife, someone's husband, 02:20 but not the person you thought you married. 02:24 Twenty years and $200,000 later... 02:27 Absolutely! 02:31 Jameelah, have you had any? 02:32 You know, I've had relationships like that, 02:34 but it's been the opposite for me. 02:36 I've been told that they feel like I don't care enough 02:39 or I don't show enough and I don't think that that's 02:42 necessarily... I feel like I don't show it in a way they 02:44 want me to show it and so it may seem as though 02:47 I don't care or I'm not in it 100%, 02:52 but I don't find that to be the case. 02:56 In looking back on it, I think the issue has always 02:58 been that they have been more intimate than I had been. 03:00 So they have been more touchy-feely than I've been, 03:03 and that's kind of their love language and that's not mine. 03:06 So it's kind of been an issue in the past, 03:12 but I think that it's something that I learn from 03:16 and that I grow from and I'm trying to, I guess, 03:19 work on that and do better, so we'll see. 03:22 I mean it's a challenge, listening to what you're 03:25 describing, you actually date like a Y. 03:28 It doesn't mean that you are, but when I talk to wives, 03:31 and I coach wives, I would tell them exactly what I am 03:35 telling you now which is... 03:37 everything that you've said is correct... 03:39 This is exactly how you are perceived if you're 03:42 dating like a Y which means when you're 03:44 dealing with the guys, they don't feel you. 03:46 They don't feel the sincerity, they don't feel 03:49 what you feel you're giving off. 03:51 They're not getting that and so you have to actually 03:54 switch up and try and put yourself 03:57 out there in a different way. 03:59 If you feel that it's intimacy, you may have to step it up, 04:02 and I don't mean physical intimacy, of course, 04:04 I just mean... what do they want to hear? 04:08 Do they want to hear, "You mean a lot to me, 04:09 I love you," whatever it is that's causing them to 04:13 feel like you're not real, like you're not legitimate, 04:16 you have to examine that. 04:18 Okay, wouldn't that be kind of false or playful 04:20 because if I'm telling you what you want to hear, 04:23 that may not be what I feel like saying and so 04:27 actions speak louder than words, 04:28 so I can tell you "I love you," and then I can do 04:30 something that's the opposite of what I just said to you. 04:32 But, I said it because you wanted to hear it. 04:34 But because I don't mean it, my actions aren't 04:36 going to show that, so why would I even... 04:39 I get what you're saying, but my idea of fake, 04:40 my idea of fake is presenting something that you don't feel. 04:45 You're saying to me that you actually feel something 04:49 for these guys, but they don't 04:50 receive it, they don't perceive it. 04:52 So putting on what we call a mask so that they 04:57 feel it, I don't think that that's incongruent 05:00 with the fact that inside, you really feel it too, 05:03 if you get what I'm saying. 05:04 Now, the thing that I would never encourage 05:06 someone to do is - you don't feel it for someone, 05:09 and you fake it anyway because you have goal, 05:12 you have some kind of ulterior motive, so you fake it, 05:14 but you don't really feel it... that's insincere. 05:17 But what you're describing to me is just a discrepancy 05:20 between the mask that you appear to be wearing 05:23 when you approach these guys and the genuineness 05:26 that you really have inside, 05:27 so you really have to make one match the other. Okay 05:31 You guys, you had the flip, 05:35 you actually had one-sided relationships 05:37 where you felt you were giving more, but here's the thing... 05:40 There's a way for you to prevent yourself from getting 05:42 into that relationship in the first place. 05:44 Now we talked about the functional faking, 05:47 and we talked about all of the hormones and how they 05:50 trick you into thinking that this person will never change. 05:54 All the things that they're doing, 05:55 all the things that they're saying are things that 05:57 you will get for the rest of your life and you really 05:59 have no way of knowing. 06:01 Again, this is the reason why we test folks. 06:03 I tell young people all the time... 06:05 "Do not go out and date without first testing 06:09 the person that you're with," unless, of course, you have 06:11 3, 4, 5 years to waste. 06:13 Testing them how? 06:15 With the XY Personality Test. 06:17 So you want me to call somebody up 06:18 and say, I got an email I just sent you... 06:21 "Can you click on link, answer the question, 06:23 and send it back to me real quick before we go?" 06:25 Someone, a stranger? No 06:27 No, but I'm just saying, is that... 06:29 this is what you're saying to me. 06:31 At some point, you decide when, but you cannot go through 06:35 a year's worth of dating and saying that you're 06:37 avoiding giving the test because 06:38 you don't want to run the brother off... 06:40 That is setting yourself up for hurt. 06:45 In the year's time, you guys will be interacting 06:48 and bonding - remember the oxytocin flows 06:51 almost immediately. 06:52 So one year later when you finally get the courage 06:54 to ask him to take the test, there you are... attached! 06:59 And there he is - telling you, "Well, you know, 07:01 this is not what I had in mind, I don't know if I gave 07:03 the wrong signals or where this went off the tracks 07:06 or something, but this is not really what I had in mind." 07:08 And there you are with your heart broken 07:10 because you didn't want to step up 07:13 and have the fellow take the test. 07:15 Now I'm not asking you to scare him off. 07:17 There's no reason to say, "Look, I have this test, 07:20 you're going to take this test, this is going to be telling 07:22 whether or not you go right through that door, 07:24 exactly... I don't ever want to see you 07:26 again based on the results of this test, now take it." 07:28 No, you're not doing that, you're going to be more 07:31 skillful. Okay 07:33 I have a lot of people that actually 07:34 take it as if it's a fun thing... 07:36 "Oh, this friend of mine," or some people will say this 07:38 "I have this doctor friend of mine and he has this fun test 07:40 while we're waiting on the first course for the record, 07:44 let's take this test, we can do it on our phone 07:46 and we could see, you know, it's a nice little" whatever. 07:49 Don't call it a matching test. 07:50 Don't call it the test that decides your fate. 07:53 You know, don't do anything like that. Okay? 07:55 Okay, I'm going to show you a few things on the monitor 07:59 and these are things that you can use to prevent yourself 08:02 from getting into that kind of relationship in the first place. 08:05 Okay, let's look at the screen... 08:06 Okay, communication - and I call it the CIA approach 08:10 so that it's easy for you to remember. 08:13 CIA - that's the acronym and the first one again is 08:17 communication. 08:18 You've got to make sure that this person that 08:20 you're interested in is as interested in communication 08:23 as you are. 08:24 Now sometimes, again, folks will try to fake it. 08:27 Be very careful for the person who is communicating 08:31 in only emotional ways... "So what are you doing tonight?" 08:35 "Can we go out to the park? 08:38 Can we hold hands? Can we go to the beach?" 08:40 They are not saying anything of substance. 08:43 Everything that they're saying is always something emotional 08:45 and touchy-feely. 08:47 That's not the kind of communication that you want. 08:50 You should be suspicious if that's the only 08:51 communication that you're getting. 08:53 There is - at some point, the brother should ask 08:55 "How was your day, Jameelah?" 08:57 "So what course are you taking in school now? 09:00 You enrolled in, I think you mentioned such and such 09:03 university, tell me a little bit about that." 09:05 He has to engage in casual conversation at some point 09:09 and I know this seems strange, but the more casual 09:12 the conversation, the more likely he is to be really 09:15 truly interested in you. Hmm. Makes sense. 09:19 Yeah, so keep that in mind, so that's the communication. 09:22 Now intimacy, I don't need to tell you much about intimacy. 09:25 We're not talking about physical intimacy because 09:28 physical intimacy actually causes 09:30 a 5-time, 5 fold production of oxytocin. 09:34 Fivefold! Think about that. 09:37 You allow someone to be physically intimate with you 09:40 and you are pouring glue on yourself like molasses. 09:44 You don't want that because most likely that is a 09:46 personality that is going to walk away and you are left... 09:49 Heart broke up... Yeah, Crazy Glue! 09:52 Not regular glue, Crazy Glue! Laughter 09:55 Because he's going to walk away and leave. 09:57 He's going to take that outer layer of your heart, 09:59 your skin, with him because you know how Crazy Glue 10:01 operates, you know, you stick your finger on a piece of wood 10:03 and you pull it off - a piece of your finger is left there. 10:06 The outer layer of your skin is left there. 10:07 That is what oxytocin is like. 10:09 So the intimacy shouldn't be physical, 10:13 it should be affection, you know, talking 10:18 how you feel about certain things. 10:21 It could even be romance, it could be roses. 10:23 I mean, he should spend 10:24 some money on you, you were right about that. 10:26 You know, brothers that don't want to spend money... 10:27 they should be willing to spend some money if 10:29 they truly have money to spend. 10:32 Yeah, let's go back to chivalry. 10:33 That's the problem! Then they will need to decide 10:36 if this is the brother that you want... 10:38 I mean he has zero dollars, maybe not. 10:41 The struggle is real. Maybe not. 10:42 But what about the A, the A is very, very important. 10:45 It's easy to find someone that is a communicator 10:47 and wanting intimacy, adaptability is the real key! 10:52 No one, no two people are exactly alike 10:56 which means that when you find that person, 10:58 somebody is going to have to change, 11:00 somebody is going to have to adjust to match 11:03 the other person - it's better if both of you are adjusting... 11:06 But what this science is showing us is that folks who are 11:09 high in communication and intimacy needs 11:11 are also better adaptors in a relationship. 11:14 So you see how it all fits in? 11:18 And then last of all, we have the 90/10 rule. 11:21 The 90/10 rule says this: If you get the CIA in place 11:25 and you know everything you could possibly know 11:27 about the person that you're interested in 11:29 ahead of time, ahead of the relationship, 11:32 then you have a 90% chance of that relationship working. 11:36 If you don't know anything about him at all and you just 11:38 decide to go it on your own, no test, no nothing, 11:40 you have a 10% chance because, for you young people, 11:44 the rate of separation for you young people is actually 11:47 over 90%. Umm, wow! 11:49 Not 50%. Yeah There's no hope doc! 11:52 No hope, it's over, none. 11:55 Guess we better get people to take that test. 12:02 Yeah ASAP. Yeah you do, you know. 12:04 So here's the other slide... 12:08 There is also the bad-boy gene, it's called DRD4 gene, 12:13 and it predisposes a guy to have a commitment problem. 12:16 But, you could solve this problem by using 12:19 an oxytocin spray. 12:20 How much does that spray cost, doc? 12:23 A lot and it's not legal in most states 12:29 and it's probably something you'd have to go to 12:31 Australia to get, but it works. 12:34 You spray it in the nostril and the guy thinks that you 12:37 are the best-looking thing, best girlfriend, 12:41 most attractive, most loving person he has ever seen. 12:44 It works! 12:47 No takers? Nobody interested? 12:50 Nothing? 12:51 It's illegal. Yeah! Laughter 12:55 I'll see you guys next time. 13:02 I'd like to welcome back Jennifer, Kory and 13:04 Kimberly. Good to be here. 13:06 Today, we are going to look at your scores, 13:09 "Reluctant Partner Scores." 13:12 Let's start with Kimberly, take a look at the screen. 13:16 Okay Kimberly, you have scored your husband, Kory, as a YX. 13:24 When he did his own test which is the most accurate 13:27 form of a test, the self-test, he said he was an XX, 13:32 and not a low X, but a moderate X, 13:34 so that's, you know, pretty up there. 13:36 Yet you see him as not communicative enough. Mercy! 13:41 So, usually we don't have that kind of a disparity, 13:44 and when we do, it tells me that we need to take 13:47 a look at our list of traits. 13:50 When someone says that you're an X or a Y, 13:52 there are actually 15 traits that make you X or Y, 13:56 and sometimes we have one person with 10 traits and the other 14:01 person with 5 and they're all mixed up 14:03 so sometimes we have to actually look at a specific trait 14:05 to see what it is you need to adjust so that 14:08 you don't see him in a way that he's not. 14:13 Let's take a look at Kory's... Okay 14:16 So Kory, you've got it right. 14:18 You scored your wife... I usually get it right, 14:21 no surprise. No surprise, XX 14:25 and that is correct. 14:26 But what that actually tells us is that the fact that 14:29 you had a discrepancy means that there is a trait somewhere 14:33 in the 15 traits that you are being thrown off by. 14:38 So we will now take a look at that slide. 14:40 We'll take a look at some of those traits, 14:41 and we'll see if we could identify the trait that is 14:44 like giving you some problems. Okay 14:46 And here it is... X versus Y needs, 14:48 remember X-types have different needs to Y-types, 14:51 so let's look at some of the Y- type needs on the right side. 14:56 We have time alone, so Ys really want some time alone, 15:00 and it's important, Kory, for you to find out how much 15:04 time that is. 15:05 Everything is a balance - you don't want to give too much 15:08 time because then she'll feel like you're neglecting her, 15:10 you don't want to give too little time because then 15:11 she'll feel like, "I'm claustrophobic here, 15:14 you know, give me some space." 15:15 So, time alone, then actions, Y- types and she is borderline, 15:19 so that means she is more like that than you are. Okay 15:22 Actions are very important. 15:23 Y- types tend to want people to follow through on what they 15:27 say they will do and that's how they judge. 15:31 Is that true, Kim? No, but that's true. 15:34 So you're saying because she's borderline X, 15:36 that she would be closer to Y? Exactly! Okay 15:38 Right after borderline X 15:39 is the Y category. Okay. That makes sense. 15:41 So - actions, they want follow-through, 15:44 they want people to do what they say they will do. Yes 15:47 Y- types like sameness or what we call "stasis" 15:50 which really means that they don't like to change 15:53 as much as X... 15:56 Are you sure you're not a Y? 15:58 I know, I think that's true. 16:00 The screen gets me, I like it. 16:02 Shared activities - Y-types like you to share 16:07 in their activities, you know, show some interest 16:10 in the things that they are interested in 16:11 not just your interests, very important to them. 16:14 Y- types have security needs which, you know, it's important. 16:19 They want, for instance, if it's a female, they want 16:22 the guy to be able to show that he can take care of the family. 16:26 Take care of the kids, very important. 16:28 Privacy - Y-types tend to be a little more private than X-types 16:31 which means they don't want their business 16:34 out on the street spreading. 16:36 They want, even if you think it's conversational 16:38 "and I was just sharing with Sister Mildred about, you know, 16:42 what, for the Y-type... "Did you have to," 16:45 maybe you shouldn't have done that." Yes 16:46 Now remember, Kimberly is also X- type, 16:49 so let's look at the X-side. 16:51 We are trying to find... 16:52 So I have to do like twice the work! 16:54 Yes, there you go - now you get it! 16:56 We are trying to find the one trait that has caused her to 17:00 misconstrue, misrepresent your personality. 17:03 So let's start at the bottom, VE which is 17:07 "verbal expression of emotion." 17:09 Kimberly, you would probably 17:13 need verbal expression of emotion, 17:15 but he has to figure out how much. Okay 17:17 Okay, helping and fairness., a big deal for most people. 17:20 X and Y feel that their partner should help around the house 17:26 a certain way that they feel like it's fair, 17:28 you know, like you're not sitting watching Sunday football 17:31 while I am doing all of the housework kind of thing. 17:35 Romance - of course that's important 17:37 and you have to find out how much. 17:38 I'm going to skip around... Affection - how much affection 17:42 do you need to give, how much should you withhold. 17:45 And attention - now I suspect that the problem here is 17:48 accountability and accountability is this... 17:50 Y- types sometimes would go off somewhere and not call home. 17:56 They may take a trip and the feeling is this... 17:59 If nothing is wrong, if I arrive safely, 18:03 there's no need to call you, whereas the partner 18:07 sees just the opposite. 18:08 If I don't hear from you, if you don't call me, 18:12 then something is wrong. Exactly 18:13 And that is a constant struggle. 18:16 I see you're shaking your head, is that the trait 18:18 that causing problems? I think so. Um hm 18:21 Okay, so you guys realize that it's not even enough 18:23 to find out what your personality type is 18:26 which is why more than a test 18:28 we have an entire book with several chapters 18:30 because you have to get very, very, very pinpointed 18:34 to the exact trait that is causing problems, 18:36 and in this case, accountability is so important to you 18:39 that it makes you feel that your husband 18:42 isn't even communicating when he is, 18:44 his course surely is. 18:46 And it's not that he doesn't do the accountability portion, 18:52 you know because I don't want to make it seem like... 18:54 Maybe just not as much as you want. Yes, I think so 18:57 if it's triggering or tripping. 19:00 If it's triggering, yeah, so a firm need for that 19:02 might be a 5 and you might be doing a 1. 19:06 Now the books that you guys have, the "XY Theory Book," 19:09 on page 228, I'm giving you some homework now. Okay 19:12 Go on there and all 15 of these are listed there, 19:16 and you need to go on there and just mark 19:18 how important each of it is to you. Okay 19:22 The next time we meet, we will talk about it. 19:25 We will take a look at that and see if there are 19:27 some other traits that might be throwing you off 19:29 because, you know, maybe there are, we don't know. 19:32 So is this clear? You guys got this? 19:35 No, it makes sense. Yes, it makes sense. 19:36 Yep. It makes sense. 19:38 Okay, so once you have this down, 19:40 you will feel more like this is a two-way relationship, 19:45 not one-sided. Okay? 19:47 But there are a few other things l would like to point out 19:50 that would be helpful, things just to ask yourself. 19:52 1. Am I being taken for granted in the relationship? 19:56 This is a question that a lot of couples do not ask 19:59 themselves, they just assume that they're not. 20:01 But you need to ask yourself and you need to ask your spouse. 20:05 Do you feel like I'm taking you for granted? 20:08 Because this is not an objective thing, 20:09 this is not something that you would necessarily 20:11 naturally figure out on your own. 20:14 So you always almost have to ask your partner 20:16 ... Do you feel sometimes like I'm taking you for granted, 20:18 because I don't want you to feel that way?" 20:20 "I will change whatever I need to change so that you don't 20:22 feel that way, but I need to know because I can't 20:24 figure that out." Exactly 20:25 So that's one thing you can do. 20:26 Another is: Is my partner more interested in his 20:29 own interest than in me? 20:32 More so with the guys, you know. 20:35 Whatever it is, if it's sailing or hunting or fishing, 20:41 sometimes your partner could feel that this is more 20:43 important, so that if she or he asks you to skip a weekend, 20:47 there is a huge fight which shows this is my priority, 20:53 not you. Okay? 20:55 And then the other question is: 20:57 Are we more disconnected than connected and close? 21:00 We take it for granted. 21:02 We always feel that the person that we're spending 21:04 our lives with, that we see every single day, 21:07 is feeling as connected to us as we feel to them. Exactly 21:10 But that's not always true, especially if needs are not 21:14 being met and equal on either side. Okay? 21:17 And one big one is this... 21:19 Does he or she prefer to interact with his things 21:23 or her things than with people? 21:26 We are living in a new age of interactivity right now. 21:29 The statistics say that 103 minutes are spent every single 21:34 day by each of us on our cell phones. I believe that. 21:37 I didn't believe it until I checked myself 21:40 and I was like 200. 21:42 I am always on my phone and guess what I do... 21:45 I'm doing research on my phone, I'm on Google, I'm researching, 21:48 XY Theory researching communication, 21:49 but do you think that makes a difference? 21:51 No, it doesn't... All your partner sees is, 21:54 he's on his phone again. Exactly 21:56 You might be researching the next sermon idea. 22:00 You think that would make a difference? It doesn't 22:03 because you're not interacting with Kim 22:04 while you're doing that. We've actually experienced that. 22:07 Like my favorite place is to sit right - I sit in front of the 22:09 television and do everything, which for her, 22:12 she can't do anything in front of the television, 22:13 but I can write a paper in front of the TV, 22:16 you know, I could study, I can read and I won't 22:19 be watching it, but just because I'm in that location, 22:21 it will make a... and she's expressed it to me 22:23 before - it will make her feel like we're miles apart. Right 22:28 I have a question... so once you've asked these questions 22:32 of each other, what then? 22:35 Because I would think that there are then steps 22:38 that you would take to resolve the issue. Absolutely 22:42 A lot of those steps are in the book; however, 22:45 there are easy fixes. 22:47 The big thing is to identify it. 22:49 For instance, what you just said, you guys have 22:52 identified it and I'm sure you've already figured out 22:54 how to make an adjustment. 22:56 The accountability - Everything is about adjusting. 22:59 You shouldn't expect him to change who he is 23:02 and become 100% accountable because that's not 23:05 what he does naturally. 23:07 But once you're aware of it, once he's aware of it, 23:09 he can now when he gets to the next stage, 23:11 he can call and say, "Hey Kim, I just got in, I just arrived." 23:15 And right there, you begin to think, "Oh, wow, so he gets it," 23:19 and you begin to feel good about it. 23:21 Now what some research is showing 23:23 the first time he does it... you don't feel as good 23:26 as the second, third and fourth and I'll tell you why... 23:28 Because the first time that he does it, 23:29 your mind tells you he's doing it only because 23:32 I told him to. Ahhh 23:34 But when he does it the second time and the third time, 23:36 and you haven't told him to, he's doing it out of his own 23:40 care for you and it makes a difference. 23:44 So everything that you identify must be adjusted. 23:48 I mean, everything you can identify and then adjust 23:51 immediately and the faster you can adjust, the better for 23:53 the relationship, for the marriage. Yeah 23:55 Interactivity is a huge problem, 23:58 I mean, it's a problem for everyone. 24:00 When you guys have kids... do you have kids? No. Not yet. 24:03 When you have kids, you'll discover what Jennifer 24:06 has already discovered, along with millions of other 24:08 parents... These kids are interactive. 24:10 They spend all their hours on that laptop, 24:14 on that cell phone, on that computer to the ignoring 24:18 of the rest of the family. 24:19 I have no idea what's going to happen with this generation 24:22 because it's not going to get better, it's getting worse. 24:25 You will hear them sitting and laughing to themselves 24:27 because they're watching something on the YouTube 24:28 and then you ask, "Well, what is that?" 24:30 You look at it and to an adult, it's nonsense; you're thinking, 24:33 what are you laughing at, it's not even funny. 24:35 But they are getting ready to grow up to be 24:38 noninteractive partners. 24:42 But don't you think, you know, as we're talking about how 24:45 technology, I guess is shifting, don't you think that 24:48 is affecting communication and intimacy in relationships, 24:52 and even in dating relationships because if I'm not spending 24:56 time talking to Kory, I'm on some sort of electronic 25:03 and that's... how do you? 25:05 But here's the thing, scientists have checked 25:09 to see if there's any oxytocin produced when people 25:12 use that interactivity or when people text, no oxytocin. 25:16 No oxytocin flows when you're texting - none. 25:19 Does that say something about online dating and those things? 25:22 Well that's another story... Oh, I'm sorry. 25:24 And we will leave that for the next time. 25:27 I want you guys to remember to do your homework. 25:29 Thank you for being on the program. 25:31 And we'll talk again in a minute. 25:37 The Bible offers a lot of advice on how to keep couples 25:40 in a 2-way relationship. 25:42 Proverbs 10:12 says: "Above all things, have intense 25:46 and unfailing love for one another for love 25:49 covers a multitude of sins. 25:52 It forgives and disregards the offences of others. 25:55 Love is certainly a big problem in our relationships. 25:58 The Scripture tells us that it is much easier to 26:01 put up with your partner's faults and misdeeds 26:04 if you're still in love with them. 26:06 So it's the first question I ask my couples when they come in. 26:09 It's the barometer that let's me know if their road 26:12 back to romance will be an uphill climb or a more 26:15 relaxed journey, but this is where, 26:17 for Christians, it gets really tricky... 26:20 We found in our research, that couples in an 26:22 XY relationship are actually in a one-way relationship 26:26 that is off balance. 26:27 By that, I mean that one person is doing more 26:30 to make the relationship work, and doing more of the 26:33 heavy lifting in the relationship than the other. 26:35 We have been told that love is a principle and it is, 26:39 but this is misinterpreted when we suck the 26:42 emotions out of it or refuse to do anything to foster 26:46 or ignite feelings of love in our partner 26:49 while expecting him or her to continue to stand by our 26:52 side out of principle. 26:54 When was the last time you did something out of pure principle? 26:58 The reasons why diets fail and bad habits persist 27:02 is because there is an emotional and psychological 27:05 component to what we do, and love, even persistent 27:09 tolerant Biblical love needs the feeling of love to endure. 27:14 For you singles, here's a principle... 27:15 If you've been dating for a while and you're convinced 27:18 that there are serious concerns about your partner 27:21 that will make it difficult for you to love him or her 27:24 for a lifetime, then just walk away. 27:26 Are you married? 27:27 Remember what the Bible said in Ecclesiastes 4:12, 27:30 "A 3-4 cord is not quickly broken." 27:34 Don't leave God out of your fight to save your marriage, 27:37 but focus more on giving your partner reasons to love you 27:41 more every day, than reminding him or her that love 27:45 is a principle. 27:46 Join us next time on the "Road to Romance" |
Revised 2017-03-24