Welcome back to
"Road to Romance"
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Kisha, Jason,
Jameelah, Welcome! Thank you
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Today we will cover
one-way relationships
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or what you would call
a one-sided relationship.
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I'm sure each of you might
have, at some point in time,
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experienced a relationship
where you were giving more
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than you were receiving.
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Does anyone want
to tell me about that?
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Um, it's a hard situation
knowing that you care about
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somebody, but not feeling like
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they care about
you in the same way.
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So is this once the
relationship has started or...
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Yeah, it was kind of like
what we've talked about before,
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you know, once you get past that
social phase of, you know, or
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infatuation stage where
you're actually getting to know
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the person and you get to
that point and you're like,
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"Yeah, this is something
that I want to continue
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and give it my all," and
then you realize the person
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on the other side
is kind of like, "Nah."
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And the problem is
you have no clue. Yeah
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There's no way to tell.
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There's something we
call "functional faking,"
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and Y-types, you guys
are all X- types, but Y-types
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actually practice functional
faking, it's nothing malicious.
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Again, it's something
that hormones allow them to do.
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They know that they have to
come with certain attributes
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when they're approaching
you, so they have to bring it.
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They have to fake it,
they have to do whatever
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you need to see so
that you can move forward,
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and then when they
get to a certain point,
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when the game isn't
going to work anymore,
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then they take off, they
pull back, they withdraw.
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Very often that is to
your credit, to your benefit
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because you wouldn't
want them to keep going
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with the faking and
with the fooling because at
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some point, you'll
wake up one morning you
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will be someone's
wife, someone's husband,
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but not the person
you thought you married.
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Twenty years and
$200,000 later...
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Absolutely!
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Jameelah, have you had any?
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You know, I've had
relationships like that,
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but it's been
the opposite for me.
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I've been told that they
feel like I don't care enough
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or I don't show enough
and I don't think that that's
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necessarily... I feel like
I don't show it in a way they
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want me to show it and
so it may seem as though
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I don't care or
I'm not in it 100%,
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but I don't find
that to be the case.
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In looking back on it, I
think the issue has always
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been that they have been
more intimate than I had been.
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So they have been more
touchy-feely than I've been,
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and that's kind of their love
language and that's not mine.
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So it's kind of been
an issue in the past,
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but I think that it's
something that I learn from
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and that I grow from
and I'm trying to, I guess,
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work on that and do
better, so we'll see.
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I mean it's a challenge,
listening to what you're
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describing, you
actually date like a Y.
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It doesn't mean that you
are, but when I talk to wives,
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and I coach wives, I would
tell them exactly what I am
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telling you now which is...
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everything that
you've said is correct...
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This is exactly how
you are perceived if you're
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dating like a Y
which means when you're
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dealing with the
guys, they don't feel you.
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They don't feel the
sincerity, they don't feel
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what you feel you're giving off.
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They're not getting that
and so you have to actually
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switch up and
try and put yourself
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out there in a different way.
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If you feel that it's intimacy,
you may have to step it up,
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and I don't mean
physical intimacy, of course,
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I just mean... what
do they want to hear?
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Do they want to hear,
"You mean a lot to me,
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I love you," whatever it
is that's causing them to
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feel like you're not real,
like you're not legitimate,
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you have to examine that.
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Okay, wouldn't that be
kind of false or playful
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because if I'm telling
you what you want to hear,
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that may not be what I
feel like saying and so
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actions speak louder than words,
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so I can tell you "I
love you," and then I can do
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something that's the opposite
of what I just said to you.
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But, I said it
because you wanted to hear it.
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But because I don't
mean it, my actions aren't
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going to show that,
so why would I even...
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I get what you're
saying, but my idea of fake,
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my idea of fake is presenting
something that you don't feel.
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You're saying to me that
you actually feel something
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for these guys, but they don't
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receive it, they
don't perceive it.
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So putting on what we
call a mask so that they
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feel it, I don't think
that that's incongruent
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with the fact that
inside, you really feel it too,
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if you get what I'm saying.
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Now, the thing that
I would never encourage
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someone to do is - you
don't feel it for someone,
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and you fake it
anyway because you have goal,
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you have some kind of
ulterior motive, so you fake it,
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but you don't really
feel it... that's insincere.
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But what you're describing
to me is just a discrepancy
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between the mask that
you appear to be wearing
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when you approach these
guys and the genuineness
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that you really have inside,
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so you really have to
make one match the other. Okay
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You guys, you had the flip,
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you actually had
one-sided relationships
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where you felt you were giving
more, but here's the thing...
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There's a way for you to
prevent yourself from getting
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into that
relationship in the first place.
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Now we talked about
the functional faking,
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and we talked about all
of the hormones and how they
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trick you into thinking that
this person will never change.
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All the things
that they're doing,
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all the things that
they're saying are things that
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you will get for the rest
of your life and you really
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have no way of knowing.
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Again, this is the
reason why we test folks.
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I tell young
people all the time...
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"Do not go out and
date without first testing
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the person that you're with,"
unless, of course, you have
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3, 4, 5 years to waste.
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Testing them how?
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With the XY Personality Test.
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So you want me
to call somebody up
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and say, I got an
email I just sent you...
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"Can you click on
link, answer the question,
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and send it back to me
real quick before we go?"
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Someone, a stranger? No
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No, but I'm just
saying, is that...
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this is what
you're saying to me.
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At some point, you decide
when, but you cannot go through
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a year's worth of
dating and saying that you're
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avoiding giving the test because
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you don't want to
run the brother off...
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That is setting
yourself up for hurt.
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In the year's time, you
guys will be interacting
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and bonding -
remember the oxytocin flows
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almost immediately.
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So one year later when
you finally get the courage
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to ask him to take the
test, there you are... attached!
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And there he is -
telling you, "Well, you know,
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this is not what I had in
mind, I don't know if I gave
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the wrong signals or
where this went off the tracks
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or something, but this is
not really what I had in mind."
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And there you are
with your heart broken
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because you
didn't want to step up
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and have the
fellow take the test.
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Now I'm not asking
you to scare him off.
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There's no reason to
say, "Look, I have this test,
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you're going to take this test,
this is going to be telling
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whether or not you go
right through that door,
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exactly... I don't
ever want to see you
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again based on the results
of this test, now take it."
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No, you're not doing
that, you're going to be more
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skillful. Okay
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I have a lot of
people that actually
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take it as if
it's a fun thing...
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"Oh, this friend of mine,"
or some people will say this
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"I have this doctor friend
of mine and he has this fun test
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while we're waiting on the
first course for the record,
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let's take this test,
we can do it on our phone
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and we could see, you know,
it's a nice little" whatever.
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Don't call it a matching test.
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Don't call it the test
that decides your fate.
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You know, don't do
anything like that. Okay?
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Okay, I'm going to show
you a few things on the monitor
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and these are things that
you can use to prevent yourself
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from getting into that kind of
relationship in the first place.
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Okay, let's
look at the screen...
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Okay, communication - and
I call it the CIA approach
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so that it's easy
for you to remember.
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CIA - that's the acronym
and the first one again is
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communication.
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You've got to make
sure that this person that
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you're interested in is as
interested in communication
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as you are.
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Now sometimes, again,
folks will try to fake it.
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Be very careful for the
person who is communicating
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in only emotional ways...
"So what are you doing tonight?"
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"Can we go out to the park?
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Can we hold hands?
Can we go to the beach?"
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They are not saying
anything of substance.
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Everything that they're saying
is always something emotional
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and touchy-feely.
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That's not the kind of
communication that you want.
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You should be
suspicious if that's the only
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communication
that you're getting.
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There is - at some
point, the brother should ask
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"How was your day, Jameelah?"
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"So what course are
you taking in school now?
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You enrolled in, I think
you mentioned such and such
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university, tell me a
little bit about that."
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He has to engage in casual
conversation at some point
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and I know this seems
strange, but the more casual
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the conversation, the
more likely he is to be really
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truly interested in
you. Hmm. Makes sense.
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Yeah, so keep that in mind,
so that's the communication.
00:09:19.19\00:09:22.26
Now intimacy, I don't need
to tell you much about intimacy.
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We're not talking about
physical intimacy because
00:09:25.69\00:09:28.00
physical
intimacy actually causes
00:09:28.03\00:09:30.83
a 5-time, 5 fold
production of oxytocin.
00:09:30.87\00:09:34.60
Fivefold! Think about that.
00:09:34.64\00:09:37.04
You allow someone to be
physically intimate with you
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and you are pouring glue
on yourself like molasses.
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You don't want that
because most likely that is a
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personality that is going to
walk away and you are left...
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Heart broke
up... Yeah, Crazy Glue!
00:09:49.88\00:09:52.72
Not regular glue,
Crazy Glue! Laughter
00:09:52.75\00:09:55.79
Because he's going
to walk away and leave.
00:09:55.82\00:09:57.59
He's going to take that
outer layer of your heart,
00:09:57.63\00:09:59.46
your skin, with him
because you know how Crazy Glue
00:09:59.49\00:10:01.56
operates, you know, you stick
your finger on a piece of wood
00:10:01.60\00:10:03.87
and you pull it off - a piece
of your finger is left there.
00:10:03.90\00:10:06.53
The outer layer of
your skin is left there.
00:10:06.57\00:10:07.90
That is what oxytocin is like.
00:10:07.94\00:10:09.94
So the intimacy
shouldn't be physical,
00:10:09.97\00:10:13.14
it should be
affection, you know, talking
00:10:13.17\00:10:18.71
how you feel
about certain things.
00:10:18.75\00:10:21.05
It could even be
romance, it could be roses.
00:10:21.08\00:10:23.39
I mean, he should spend
00:10:23.42\00:10:24.75
some money on you,
you were right about that.
00:10:24.79\00:10:26.12
You know, brothers that
don't want to spend money...
00:10:26.15\00:10:27.72
they should be
willing to spend some money if
00:10:27.76\00:10:29.92
they truly have money to spend.
00:10:29.96\00:10:31.99
Yeah, let's go back to chivalry.
00:10:32.03\00:10:33.36
That's the problem!
Then they will need to decide
00:10:33.40\00:10:36.10
if this is the
brother that you want...
00:10:36.13\00:10:38.03
I mean he has zero
dollars, maybe not.
00:10:38.07\00:10:41.57
The struggle is real. Maybe not.
00:10:41.60\00:10:42.94
But what about the A, the
A is very, very important.
00:10:42.97\00:10:45.24
It's easy to find
someone that is a communicator
00:10:45.27\00:10:47.68
and wanting intimacy,
adaptability is the real key!
00:10:47.71\00:10:52.25
No one, no two
people are exactly alike
00:10:52.28\00:10:56.38
which means that
when you find that person,
00:10:56.42\00:10:58.72
somebody is going
to have to change,
00:10:58.75\00:11:00.86
somebody is going to
have to adjust to match
00:11:00.89\00:11:03.59
the other person - it's better
if both of you are adjusting...
00:11:03.63\00:11:06.09
But what this science is
showing us is that folks who are
00:11:06.13\00:11:08.96
high in
communication and intimacy needs
00:11:09.00\00:11:11.23
are also better
adaptors in a relationship.
00:11:11.27\00:11:14.37
So you see how it all fits in?
00:11:14.40\00:11:18.14
And then last of all,
we have the 90/10 rule.
00:11:18.17\00:11:21.48
The 90/10 rule says this:
If you get the CIA in place
00:11:21.51\00:11:25.75
and you know everything
you could possibly know
00:11:25.78\00:11:27.75
about the person
that you're interested in
00:11:27.78\00:11:29.15
ahead of time,
ahead of the relationship,
00:11:29.18\00:11:32.65
then you have a 90% chance
of that relationship working.
00:11:32.69\00:11:36.26
If you don't know anything
about him at all and you just
00:11:36.29\00:11:38.83
decide to go it on your
own, no test, no nothing,
00:11:38.86\00:11:40.90
you have a 10% chance
because, for you young people,
00:11:40.93\00:11:43.97
the rate of separation for
you young people is actually
00:11:44.00\00:11:47.54
over 90%. Umm, wow!
00:11:47.57\00:11:49.70
Not 50%. Yeah
There's no hope doc!
00:11:49.74\00:11:52.77
No hope, it's over, none.
00:11:52.81\00:11:55.84
Guess we better get
people to take that test.
00:11:55.88\00:12:02.12
Yeah ASAP. Yeah
you do, you know.
00:12:02.15\00:12:04.79
So here's the other slide...
00:12:04.82\00:12:07.99
There is also the bad-boy
gene, it's called DRD4 gene,
00:12:08.02\00:12:12.99
and it predisposes a guy
to have a commitment problem.
00:12:13.03\00:12:16.33
But, you could solve
this problem by using
00:12:16.36\00:12:19.43
an oxytocin spray.
00:12:19.47\00:12:20.90
How much does
that spray cost, doc?
00:12:20.94\00:12:23.61
A lot and it's not
legal in most states
00:12:23.64\00:12:29.01
and it's probably
something you'd have to go to
00:12:29.04\00:12:31.11
Australia to get, but it works.
00:12:31.15\00:12:34.48
You spray it in the nostril
and the guy thinks that you
00:12:34.52\00:12:37.22
are the best-looking
thing, best girlfriend,
00:12:37.25\00:12:41.29
most attractive, most
loving person he has ever seen.
00:12:41.32\00:12:44.76
It works!
00:12:44.79\00:12:47.30
No takers? Nobody interested?
00:12:47.33\00:12:50.20
Nothing?
00:12:50.23\00:12:51.57
It's illegal. Yeah! Laughter
00:12:51.60\00:12:55.30
I'll see you guys next time.
00:12:55.34\00:12:59.67
I'd like to welcome
back Jennifer, Kory and
00:13:02.04\00:13:04.81
Kimberly. Good to be here.
00:13:04.85\00:13:06.38
Today, we are going
to look at your scores,
00:13:06.41\00:13:09.92
"Reluctant Partner Scores."
00:13:09.95\00:13:12.19
Let's start with Kimberly,
take a look at the screen.
00:13:12.22\00:13:16.22
Okay Kimberly, you have scored
your husband, Kory, as a YX.
00:13:16.26\00:13:24.53
When he did his own test
which is the most accurate
00:13:24.57\00:13:27.60
form of a test, the
self-test, he said he was an XX,
00:13:27.64\00:13:32.57
and not a low X,
but a moderate X,
00:13:32.61\00:13:34.64
so that's, you
know, pretty up there.
00:13:34.68\00:13:36.11
Yet you see him as not
communicative enough. Mercy!
00:13:36.14\00:13:41.32
So, usually we don't
have that kind of a disparity,
00:13:41.35\00:13:44.72
and when we do, it
tells me that we need to take
00:13:44.75\00:13:47.42
a look at our list of traits.
00:13:47.46\00:13:50.49
When someone says
that you're an X or a Y,
00:13:50.53\00:13:52.79
there are actually 15
traits that make you X or Y,
00:13:52.83\00:13:56.83
and sometimes we have one person
with 10 traits and the other
00:13:56.87\00:14:01.30
person with 5 and
they're all mixed up
00:14:01.34\00:14:03.44
so sometimes we have to actually
look at a specific trait
00:14:03.47\00:14:05.47
to see what it is you
need to adjust so that
00:14:05.51\00:14:08.94
you don't see him
in a way that he's not.
00:14:08.98\00:14:13.18
Let's take a
look at Kory's... Okay
00:14:13.21\00:14:16.72
So Kory, you've got it right.
00:14:16.75\00:14:18.69
You scored your
wife... I usually get it right,
00:14:18.72\00:14:21.62
no surprise. No surprise, XX
00:14:21.66\00:14:25.16
and that is correct.
00:14:25.19\00:14:26.53
But what that actually
tells us is that the fact that
00:14:26.56\00:14:29.56
you had a discrepancy means
that there is a trait somewhere
00:14:29.60\00:14:33.60
in the 15 traits that
you are being thrown off by.
00:14:33.64\00:14:38.21
So we will now take
a look at that slide.
00:14:38.24\00:14:40.54
We'll take a look at
some of those traits,
00:14:40.58\00:14:41.91
and we'll see if we could
identify the trait that is
00:14:41.94\00:14:44.21
like giving you
some problems. Okay
00:14:44.25\00:14:46.28
And here it
is... X versus Y needs,
00:14:46.31\00:14:48.38
remember X-types have
different needs to Y-types,
00:14:48.42\00:14:51.92
so let's look at some of the
Y- type needs on the right side.
00:14:51.95\00:14:56.02
We have time alone, so Ys
really want some time alone,
00:14:56.06\00:15:00.90
and it's important, Kory,
for you to find out how much
00:15:00.93\00:15:04.57
time that is.
00:15:04.60\00:15:05.93
Everything is a balance -
you don't want to give too much
00:15:05.97\00:15:08.24
time because then she'll
feel like you're neglecting her,
00:15:08.27\00:15:10.37
you don't want to give
too little time because then
00:15:10.41\00:15:11.81
she'll feel like,
"I'm claustrophobic here,
00:15:11.84\00:15:14.31
you know, give me some space."
00:15:14.34\00:15:15.68
So, time alone, then actions,
Y- types and she is borderline,
00:15:15.71\00:15:19.65
so that means she is more
like that than you are. Okay
00:15:19.68\00:15:22.45
Actions are very important.
00:15:22.48\00:15:23.92
Y- types tend to want people
to follow through on what they
00:15:23.95\00:15:27.69
say they will do and
that's how they judge.
00:15:27.72\00:15:31.13
Is that true, Kim?
No, but that's true.
00:15:31.16\00:15:34.46
So you're saying
because she's borderline X,
00:15:34.50\00:15:36.06
that she would be
closer to Y? Exactly! Okay
00:15:36.10\00:15:38.33
Right after borderline X
00:15:38.37\00:15:39.70
is the Y category.
Okay. That makes sense.
00:15:39.73\00:15:41.77
So - actions, they
want follow-through,
00:15:41.80\00:15:44.01
they want people to do
what they say they will do. Yes
00:15:44.04\00:15:47.38
Y- types like sameness
or what we call "stasis"
00:15:47.41\00:15:49.98
which really means that
they don't like to change
00:15:50.01\00:15:53.38
as much as X...
00:15:53.42\00:15:56.95
Are you sure you're not a Y?
00:15:56.99\00:15:58.32
I know, I think that's true.
00:15:58.35\00:16:00.76
The screen gets me, I like it.
00:16:00.79\00:16:02.92
Shared activities -
Y-types like you to share
00:16:02.96\00:16:07.63
in their activities,
you know, show some interest
00:16:07.66\00:16:10.50
in the things that
they are interested in
00:16:10.53\00:16:11.90
not just your interests,
very important to them.
00:16:11.93\00:16:14.94
Y- types have security needs
which, you know, it's important.
00:16:14.97\00:16:19.87
They want, for instance,
if it's a female, they want
00:16:19.91\00:16:22.24
the guy to be able to show that
he can take care of the family.
00:16:22.28\00:16:26.75
Take care of the
kids, very important.
00:16:26.78\00:16:28.12
Privacy - Y-types tend to be a
little more private than X-types
00:16:28.15\00:16:31.45
which means they
don't want their business
00:16:31.49\00:16:34.29
out on the street spreading.
00:16:34.32\00:16:36.52
They want, even if you
think it's conversational
00:16:36.56\00:16:38.63
"and I was just sharing with
Sister Mildred about, you know,
00:16:38.66\00:16:42.56
what, for the
Y-type... "Did you have to,"
00:16:42.60\00:16:45.10
maybe you shouldn't
have done that." Yes
00:16:45.13\00:16:46.63
Now remember,
Kimberly is also X- type,
00:16:46.67\00:16:49.44
so let's look at the X-side.
00:16:49.47\00:16:51.54
We are trying to find...
00:16:51.57\00:16:52.91
So I have to do
like twice the work!
00:16:52.94\00:16:54.68
Yes, there you
go - now you get it!
00:16:54.71\00:16:56.38
We are trying to find the
one trait that has caused her to
00:16:56.41\00:17:00.45
misconstrue,
misrepresent your personality.
00:17:00.48\00:17:03.95
So let's start at
the bottom, VE which is
00:17:03.99\00:17:07.72
"verbal expression of emotion."
00:17:07.76\00:17:09.96
Kimberly, you would probably
00:17:09.99\00:17:13.60
need verbal
expression of emotion,
00:17:13.63\00:17:15.13
but he has to
figure out how much. Okay
00:17:15.16\00:17:17.23
Okay, helping and fairness.,
a big deal for most people.
00:17:17.27\00:17:20.77
X and Y feel that their partner
should help around the house
00:17:20.80\00:17:26.04
a certain way that
they feel like it's fair,
00:17:26.07\00:17:28.91
you know, like you're not
sitting watching Sunday football
00:17:28.94\00:17:31.88
while I am doing all of
the housework kind of thing.
00:17:31.91\00:17:35.12
Romance - of
course that's important
00:17:35.15\00:17:36.99
and you have to
find out how much.
00:17:37.02\00:17:38.42
I'm going to skip around...
Affection - how much affection
00:17:38.45\00:17:42.46
do you need to give, how
much should you withhold.
00:17:42.49\00:17:44.99
And attention - now I
suspect that the problem here is
00:17:45.03\00:17:48.20
accountability and
accountability is this...
00:17:48.23\00:17:50.67
Y- types sometimes would go
off somewhere and not call home.
00:17:50.70\00:17:56.57
They may take a trip
and the feeling is this...
00:17:56.60\00:17:59.51
If nothing is
wrong, if I arrive safely,
00:17:59.54\00:18:03.41
there's no need to call
you, whereas the partner
00:18:03.45\00:18:07.12
sees just the opposite.
00:18:07.15\00:18:08.68
If I don't hear from
you, if you don't call me,
00:18:08.72\00:18:11.99
then something is wrong. Exactly
00:18:12.02\00:18:13.66
And that is a constant struggle.
00:18:13.69\00:18:16.29
I see you're shaking
your head, is that the trait
00:18:16.32\00:18:18.96
that causing
problems? I think so. Um hm
00:18:18.99\00:18:21.30
Okay, so you guys realize
that it's not even enough
00:18:21.33\00:18:23.90
to find out what
your personality type is
00:18:23.93\00:18:26.03
which is why more than a test
00:18:26.07\00:18:28.04
we have an entire
book with several chapters
00:18:28.07\00:18:30.47
because you have to get
very, very, very pinpointed
00:18:30.51\00:18:34.38
to the exact trait
that is causing problems,
00:18:34.41\00:18:36.78
and in this case, accountability
is so important to you
00:18:36.81\00:18:39.88
that it makes you
feel that your husband
00:18:39.91\00:18:42.08
isn't even
communicating when he is,
00:18:42.12\00:18:44.85
his course surely is.
00:18:44.89\00:18:46.42
And it's not that he doesn't
do the accountability portion,
00:18:46.45\00:18:52.23
you know because I don't
want to make it seem like...
00:18:52.26\00:18:54.53
Maybe just not as much
as you want. Yes, I think so
00:18:54.56\00:18:57.93
if it's triggering or tripping.
00:18:57.97\00:18:59.97
If it's triggering,
yeah, so a firm need for that
00:19:00.00\00:19:02.10
might be a 5 and
you might be doing a 1.
00:19:02.14\00:19:06.17
Now the books that you
guys have, the "XY Theory Book,"
00:19:06.21\00:19:09.91
on page 228, I'm giving
you some homework now. Okay
00:19:09.94\00:19:12.58
Go on there and all 15
of these are listed there,
00:19:12.61\00:19:16.22
and you need to go
on there and just mark
00:19:16.25\00:19:18.82
how important each
of it is to you. Okay
00:19:18.85\00:19:22.12
The next time we
meet, we will talk about it.
00:19:22.16\00:19:25.36
We will take a look at
that and see if there are
00:19:25.39\00:19:27.60
some other traits that
might be throwing you off
00:19:27.63\00:19:29.83
because, you know, maybe
there are, we don't know.
00:19:29.86\00:19:32.33
So is this clear?
You guys got this?
00:19:32.37\00:19:35.50
No, it makes sense.
Yes, it makes sense.
00:19:35.54\00:19:36.87
Yep. It makes sense.
00:19:36.91\00:19:38.24
Okay, so once
you have this down,
00:19:38.27\00:19:40.81
you will feel more like
this is a two-way relationship,
00:19:40.84\00:19:45.35
not one-sided. Okay?
00:19:45.38\00:19:47.95
But there are a few other
things l would like to point out
00:19:47.98\00:19:50.25
that would be helpful,
things just to ask yourself.
00:19:50.29\00:19:52.42
1. Am I being taken for
granted in the relationship?
00:19:52.45\00:19:56.36
This is a question that
a lot of couples do not ask
00:19:56.39\00:19:59.56
themselves, they just
assume that they're not.
00:19:59.59\00:20:01.20
But you need to ask yourself
and you need to ask your spouse.
00:20:01.23\00:20:05.10
Do you feel like I'm
taking you for granted?
00:20:05.13\00:20:08.00
Because this is
not an objective thing,
00:20:08.04\00:20:09.67
this is not something
that you would necessarily
00:20:09.70\00:20:11.94
naturally
figure out on your own.
00:20:11.97\00:20:14.21
So you always almost
have to ask your partner
00:20:14.24\00:20:16.64
... Do you feel sometimes
like I'm taking you for granted,
00:20:16.68\00:20:18.58
because I don't want
you to feel that way?"
00:20:18.61\00:20:19.98
"I will change whatever I
need to change so that you don't
00:20:20.02\00:20:22.58
feel that way, but I
need to know because I can't
00:20:22.62\00:20:24.09
figure that out." Exactly
00:20:24.12\00:20:25.45
So that's one thing you can do.
00:20:25.49\00:20:26.82
Another is: Is my
partner more interested in his
00:20:26.86\00:20:29.56
own interest than in me?
00:20:29.59\00:20:32.56
More so with the guys, you know.
00:20:32.59\00:20:35.90
Whatever it is, if it's
sailing or hunting or fishing,
00:20:35.93\00:20:41.27
sometimes your partner
could feel that this is more
00:20:41.30\00:20:43.30
important, so that if she or
he asks you to skip a weekend,
00:20:43.34\00:20:47.74
there is a huge fight
which shows this is my priority,
00:20:47.78\00:20:53.48
not you. Okay?
00:20:53.52\00:20:55.82
And then the other question is:
00:20:55.88\00:20:57.35
Are we more disconnected
than connected and close?
00:20:57.39\00:21:00.66
We take it for granted.
00:21:00.69\00:21:02.02
We always feel that the
person that we're spending
00:21:02.06\00:21:04.49
our lives with, that
we see every single day,
00:21:04.53\00:21:07.26
is feeling as connected to
us as we feel to them. Exactly
00:21:07.30\00:21:10.90
But that's not always true,
especially if needs are not
00:21:10.93\00:21:14.04
being met and equal
on either side. Okay?
00:21:14.07\00:21:17.24
And one big one is this...
00:21:17.27\00:21:19.01
Does he or she prefer
to interact with his things
00:21:19.04\00:21:23.08
or her things than with people?
00:21:23.11\00:21:26.18
We are living in a new age
of interactivity right now.
00:21:26.21\00:21:29.65
The statistics say that 103
minutes are spent every single
00:21:29.68\00:21:34.66
day by each of us on our
cell phones. I believe that.
00:21:34.69\00:21:37.93
I didn't believe it
until I checked myself
00:21:37.96\00:21:40.76
and I was like 200.
00:21:40.80\00:21:42.83
I am always on my
phone and guess what I do...
00:21:42.86\00:21:45.13
I'm doing research on my phone,
I'm on Google, I'm researching,
00:21:45.17\00:21:47.97
XY Theory
researching communication,
00:21:48.00\00:21:49.90
but do you think
that makes a difference?
00:21:49.94\00:21:51.67
No, it doesn't...
All your partner sees is,
00:21:51.71\00:21:54.04
he's on his phone again. Exactly
00:21:54.08\00:21:56.18
You might be researching
the next sermon idea.
00:21:56.21\00:21:59.98
You think that would
make a difference? It doesn't
00:22:00.02\00:22:03.42
because you're not
interacting with Kim
00:22:03.45\00:22:04.89
while you're doing that.
We've actually experienced that.
00:22:04.92\00:22:07.09
Like my favorite place is to sit
right - I sit in front of the
00:22:07.12\00:22:09.69
television and do
everything, which for her,
00:22:09.72\00:22:11.99
she can't do anything
in front of the television,
00:22:12.03\00:22:13.73
but I can write a
paper in front of the TV,
00:22:13.76\00:22:16.33
you know, I could
study, I can read and I won't
00:22:16.36\00:22:19.03
be watching it, but just
because I'm in that location,
00:22:19.07\00:22:21.70
it will make a... and
she's expressed it to me
00:22:21.74\00:22:23.51
before - it will make her feel
like we're miles apart. Right
00:22:23.54\00:22:28.41
I have a question... so once
you've asked these questions
00:22:28.44\00:22:32.68
of each other, what then?
00:22:32.71\00:22:35.35
Because I would think
that there are then steps
00:22:35.38\00:22:38.52
that you would take to
resolve the issue. Absolutely
00:22:38.55\00:22:42.46
A lot of those steps
are in the book; however,
00:22:42.49\00:22:45.56
there are easy fixes.
00:22:45.59\00:22:47.60
The big thing is to identify it.
00:22:47.63\00:22:49.40
For instance, what you
just said, you guys have
00:22:49.80\00:22:52.70
identified it and I'm
sure you've already figured out
00:22:52.73\00:22:54.74
how to make an adjustment.
00:22:54.77\00:22:56.37
The accountability -
Everything is about adjusting.
00:22:56.40\00:22:59.34
You shouldn't expect
him to change who he is
00:22:59.37\00:23:02.54
and become 100%
accountable because that's not
00:23:02.58\00:23:05.61
what he does naturally.
00:23:05.65\00:23:06.98
But once you're aware of
it, once he's aware of it,
00:23:07.02\00:23:09.32
he can now when he
gets to the next stage,
00:23:09.35\00:23:11.95
he can call and say, "Hey Kim,
I just got in, I just arrived."
00:23:11.99\00:23:15.06
And right there, you begin to
think, "Oh, wow, so he gets it,"
00:23:15.09\00:23:19.89
and you begin to
feel good about it.
00:23:19.93\00:23:21.76
Now what some
research is showing
00:23:21.80\00:23:23.47
the first time he does
it... you don't feel as good
00:23:23.50\00:23:26.37
as the second, third and
fourth and I'll tell you why...
00:23:26.40\00:23:28.44
Because the first
time that he does it,
00:23:28.47\00:23:29.90
your mind tells you
he's doing it only because
00:23:29.94\00:23:32.51
I told him to. Ahhh
00:23:32.54\00:23:34.71
But when he does it the
second time and the third time,
00:23:34.74\00:23:36.58
and you haven't told him
to, he's doing it out of his own
00:23:36.61\00:23:40.42
care for you and
it makes a difference.
00:23:40.45\00:23:43.99
So everything that you
identify must be adjusted.
00:23:44.02\00:23:48.02
I mean, everything you
can identify and then adjust
00:23:48.06\00:23:51.16
immediately and the faster
you can adjust, the better for
00:23:51.19\00:23:53.90
the relationship,
for the marriage. Yeah
00:23:53.93\00:23:55.80
Interactivity is a huge problem,
00:23:55.83\00:23:58.47
I mean, it's a
problem for everyone.
00:23:58.50\00:24:00.00
When you guys have kids...
do you have kids? No. Not yet.
00:24:00.04\00:24:03.57
When you have kids,
you'll discover what Jennifer
00:24:03.61\00:24:06.14
has already discovered,
along with millions of other
00:24:06.17\00:24:08.34
parents... These
kids are interactive.
00:24:08.38\00:24:10.51
They spend all their
hours on that laptop,
00:24:10.55\00:24:14.88
on that cell phone, on
that computer to the ignoring
00:24:14.92\00:24:18.39
of the rest of the family.
00:24:18.42\00:24:19.75
I have no idea what's going
to happen with this generation
00:24:19.79\00:24:22.42
because it's not going to
get better, it's getting worse.
00:24:22.46\00:24:25.03
You will hear them sitting
and laughing to themselves
00:24:25.06\00:24:27.16
because they're watching
something on the YouTube
00:24:27.20\00:24:28.66
and then you ask,
"Well, what is that?"
00:24:28.70\00:24:30.27
You look at it and to an adult,
it's nonsense; you're thinking,
00:24:30.30\00:24:33.67
what are you laughing
at, it's not even funny.
00:24:33.70\00:24:35.10
But they are getting
ready to grow up to be
00:24:35.37\00:24:38.87
noninteractive partners.
00:24:38.91\00:24:42.61
But don't you think, you
know, as we're talking about how
00:24:42.64\00:24:45.25
technology, I guess is
shifting, don't you think that
00:24:45.28\00:24:48.28
is affecting communication
and intimacy in relationships,
00:24:48.32\00:24:52.85
and even in dating relationships
because if I'm not spending
00:24:52.89\00:24:56.46
time talking to Kory, I'm
on some sort of electronic
00:24:56.49\00:25:03.26
and that's... how do you?
00:25:03.30\00:25:05.70
But here's the thing,
scientists have checked
00:25:05.73\00:25:09.24
to see if there's any
oxytocin produced when people
00:25:09.27\00:25:12.57
use that interactivity or
when people text, no oxytocin.
00:25:12.61\00:25:16.44
No oxytocin flows
when you're texting - none.
00:25:16.48\00:25:19.11
Does that say something about
online dating and those things?
00:25:19.15\00:25:22.48
Well that's another
story... Oh, I'm sorry.
00:25:22.52\00:25:24.85
And we will leave
that for the next time.
00:25:24.89\00:25:27.49
I want you guys to
remember to do your homework.
00:25:27.52\00:25:29.66
Thank you for
being on the program.
00:25:29.69\00:25:31.33
And we'll talk
again in a minute.
00:25:31.36\00:25:33.09
The Bible offers a lot of
advice on how to keep couples
00:25:37.37\00:25:40.20
in a 2-way relationship.
00:25:40.24\00:25:42.27
Proverbs 10:12 says:
"Above all things, have intense
00:25:42.30\00:25:46.91
and unfailing love
for one another for love
00:25:46.94\00:25:49.94
covers a multitude of sins.
00:25:49.98\00:25:52.08
It forgives and disregards
the offences of others.
00:25:52.11\00:25:55.78
Love is certainly a big
problem in our relationships.
00:25:55.82\00:25:58.45
The Scripture tells us
that it is much easier to
00:25:58.49\00:26:01.52
put up with your
partner's faults and misdeeds
00:26:01.56\00:26:04.39
if you're still
in love with them.
00:26:04.43\00:26:06.23
So it's the first question I ask
my couples when they come in.
00:26:06.26\00:26:09.03
It's the barometer that
let's me know if their road
00:26:09.06\00:26:12.50
back to romance will be
an uphill climb or a more
00:26:12.53\00:26:15.57
relaxed journey,
but this is where,
00:26:15.60\00:26:17.71
for Christians, it
gets really tricky...
00:26:17.74\00:26:20.24
We found in our
research, that couples in an
00:26:20.28\00:26:22.74
XY relationship are actually
in a one-way relationship
00:26:22.78\00:26:26.15
that is off balance.
00:26:26.18\00:26:27.65
By that, I mean that
one person is doing more
00:26:27.68\00:26:30.89
to make the relationship
work, and doing more of the
00:26:30.92\00:26:33.49
heavy lifting in the
relationship than the other.
00:26:33.52\00:26:35.79
We have been told that
love is a principle and it is,
00:26:35.82\00:26:39.56
but this is
misinterpreted when we suck the
00:26:39.59\00:26:42.46
emotions out of it or
refuse to do anything to foster
00:26:42.50\00:26:46.33
or ignite feelings
of love in our partner
00:26:46.37\00:26:49.20
while expecting him or her
to continue to stand by our
00:26:49.24\00:26:52.34
side out of principle.
00:26:52.37\00:26:54.28
When was the last time you did
something out of pure principle?
00:26:54.31\00:26:57.58
The reasons why diets
fail and bad habits persist
00:26:58.35\00:27:02.48
is because there is an
emotional and psychological
00:27:02.52\00:27:05.05
component to what we do,
and love, even persistent
00:27:05.09\00:27:09.79
tolerant Biblical love needs
the feeling of love to endure.
00:27:09.82\00:27:14.10
For you singles,
here's a principle...
00:27:14.13\00:27:15.83
If you've been dating for
a while and you're convinced
00:27:15.86\00:27:18.90
that there are serious
concerns about your partner
00:27:18.93\00:27:21.54
that will make it difficult
for you to love him or her
00:27:21.57\00:27:24.27
for a lifetime,
then just walk away.
00:27:24.31\00:27:26.47
Are you married?
00:27:26.51\00:27:27.84
Remember what the Bible
said in Ecclesiastes 4:12,
00:27:27.88\00:27:30.55
"A 3-4 cord is
not quickly broken."
00:27:30.58\00:27:34.12
Don't leave God out of your
fight to save your marriage,
00:27:34.15\00:27:37.75
but focus more on giving
your partner reasons to love you
00:27:37.79\00:27:41.56
more every day, than
reminding him or her that love
00:27:41.59\00:27:45.16
is a principle.
00:27:45.19\00:27:46.73
Join us next time on
the "Road to Romance"
00:27:46.76\00:27:49.13