Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host, Dr. John Jacob
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Kisha, Jason, Jamela,
welcome back. Thank you!
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So the last time we met
you, Kisha, had given us an idea
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of what you wanted
in a partner. Um hm
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And now, Jason, I'd like
to hear from you and Jamela
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before we bring
out your test results.
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I'm sure you're excited to
see what the results are. Yeah!
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Okay, Jason, can
we start with you?
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So basically what
I'm looking for is...
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I'm looking for my best friend.
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You know, you're going
to be spending a lot of time
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with this person;
you want to have somebody
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that you get along with;
you enjoy spending time with;
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you can do fun things with,
as well as grow spiritually.
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I want someone... we're
going to be a team, you know,
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I need somebody who has that
mentality - the team mentality.
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It's not what can she do
for me or what I can do for her,
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it's what can we
do for each other.
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If you're going to
grow and build together,
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you have to have that
and I think today's culture
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and with the music
and all that stuff,
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I think it's really
throwing people's perception off
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as far as, you know, a
lot of these women want
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ballers, I want a baller, I
want somebody who is going to
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just spend their
money on me and whatever,
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and they don't
want to do anything
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at home, they don't
want to do anything.
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They just want to get paid
and get some, I don't need that.
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Well you know, we have the
opposite happening on our team
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We have a lot of
women complaining that guys
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will take them
nowhere beyond "Starbucks."
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I mean, it's a
Starbucks date or it's nothing.
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So it goes both ways.
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It does go both ways, and
I'm glad that you said that
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because a good guy needs to
be appreciated at the same time.
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There are some
women that get a good guy,
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and they go
beyond the Starbucks...
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They take them and
"Martinelli's" dine them.
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I won't say wine and dine,
but they use that. Grape juice.
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And you know, take
really good care of them,
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but they are not appreciative,
they take it for granted,
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and then they complain
that they don't have a good guy.
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That's a good point.
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Jamela? I definitely agree with
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what Jason said.
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I want somebody who
is a spiritual leader.
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I want somebody who
passionate and exciting.
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I like to do a lot
of different things
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with somebody who is cultured,
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not somebody who is kind
of stuck in his box or siloed.
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I want somebody who is
kind of spontaneous as well,
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and wants to travel and go
places and do other things,
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who knows how to
read more than one book...
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I like these kind of things
and we can have conversation.
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I like to talk with
you, like he was saying...
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If you're going to spend a
lot of time with this person,
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you have to be able to
get along and laugh and joke.
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I'm very goofy, so I want
somebody with a sense of humor,
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not who is serious all the time,
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but who can play both
ends of that, I like that.
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Can I change my answer to her
answer and his? Sorry. Laughter!
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Right!
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So, but I don't like
somebody who is too physical,
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who is too touchy-feely,
I'm not that kind of person.
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So, after a while, I'll be
like, "Okay, that's enough,
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those hands for two days
now, let's try now no hands."
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Okay after a while,
it's going to be irritating.
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But, you know, initially
I think that's a good thing,
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it's kind of a way that people
show how they feel about you.
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What about communication,
how important is that to you?
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Very important!
Clearly, I talk a lot,
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and so I want
somebody who we can communicate
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and talk back and forth
because I'm not going to
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read your mind, I
don't have time for that.
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I don't real well
between the lines...
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So it's either going to
be you tell me or "Okay."
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So I just need you to say
something to me so I know!
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Because I think that
anything can be talked through
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or anything can be talked about.
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It's all about the way you
talk, the tone in which you
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say things... things like that.
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But communication, I feel
like is key in any relationship,
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not just husband and wife
or boyfriend and girlfriend,
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but mother-daughter,
parents-children, all of that.
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So, it's very important to me.
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So for you, no games!
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No, I don't have time for that,
yeah, kind of too old for that.
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Laughter... You
know, we happen to know
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how old you are...
Yes you do, right, 25.
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And you're already done
with the games - that's it.
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Exactly! Laughter
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And I'm the old
man on this program.
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A smidge, but
it's okay. Laughter
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So, Kisha, are you
ready to get your results?
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Yes, I guess so,
bring them on out.
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All right, let's
take a look at the screen
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and take a look
at Kisha's results.
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Okay, there you go...
you're an XX which means
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that you have high needs,
well moderately high needs
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for communication,
oh, moderate needs for
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communication and moderately
high needs for intimacy.
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So you are probably the opposite
of Jamela in that respect,
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you probably like a little
more affection than she does.
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Tell me a little bit about that.
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Umm, I don't know...
Like for the most part,
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I agree with what she
says, like I don't like
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to, I guess,
have my space invaded,
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but if I'm giving the person
permission to be close to me,
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then I like to
feel close to a person,
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I like to be affectionate
towards the ones that I love.
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But if I don't really know
you, if I'm not comfortable
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around you,
please don't touch me.
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And you know, you guys
need to keep in mind that
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our culture, in
terms of spiritual culture,
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also plays a role whether
or not we feel comfortable
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with that kind of
closeness because, I mean,
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we're saving
ourselves for marriage. Right
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And a sure way to kill
that little project is to get
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too close where
you are uncomfortable
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or too used to someone
being in that proximity.
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So that is factoring in...
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So possibly when you
guys are happily married,
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you'll do this
again and... Possibly?
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Hopefully,
right? Right... Laughter
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Oh, not the
marriage, not the marriage.
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Maybe you guys might
be so happily married,
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you'll want to come back to
Dr. Jacob and have a test done.
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You might be just thinking,
"Oh, good luck, Dr. Jacob."
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We gotta get to
the marriage first.
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Before we even say
something. Yeah, there you go...
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That first
Starbucks thing... Exactly!
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There you go. Ask a
couple of questions.
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So let's move on to Jason's.
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Jason, let's
look at your screen.
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Wow, so you are moderately high
in your need for communication
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which explains why you're
looking for a best friend.
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Now I have to tell you, Jason,
it might be a little tricky.
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I believe it. Yes, it might be.
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In 2010, they did a
longitudinal study that actually
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started in 2000 and they
went across college campuses
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across the United States and
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they actually measured
the empathy of young women.
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So they started in 2000 and
they checked to see what the
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empathy was in 2000 compared
to 2010 and guess what happened?
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It dropped by 50%
across the United States.
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Women are 50% less empathetic
within the last 10 years alone.
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I believe it.
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Empathy has a lot to do
with what you are looking for.
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I believe it. Because
you want the kindness,
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you want the sensitivity,
you want the willingness
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to compromise and all of
that, affection, all of that
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is tied in to empathy, so that's
something to keep in mind.
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It might make your
search a little more difficult,
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but, you're on "Road to
Romance," anything could happen.
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Or if you can
make a time machine,
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I could go back in
time, maybe I could find her.
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We'll be working on
that, we'll be working on that.
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What did they attribute, though,
to the reason why it dropped?
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This is one of the
rare times that sociologists
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said they did not
have an explanation.
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They couldn't explain
it, the drop is so stark,
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it is so deep - they
couldn't explain what
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could possibly have happened.
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Now I have some ideas...
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That's what happened...
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What, what? She said,
"men." That's what happened!
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Well, it will take
a little more than...
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I mean either they're locked
up, they're shot, they're gone,
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they don't care or they're gay.
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I mean, so...
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And so you're
thinking that that caused
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the empathy to drop? YES!
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What about the good brothers?
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Tell me where they're at?
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Right here, right here in the
middle of the couch! Exactly!
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There's only one of
him, see what I'm saying...
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There are two of us,
we can't both have Jason.
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Maybe we can
alternate? Laughter!
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Laughter... Sorry
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Think about this...
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Women have
entered the workforce...
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Yes we have because we have to.
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A lot more within those
10 years than ever before.
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In fact, 2009 was the
first year that women were
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employed in
higher numbers than men.
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For the first time
in U.S. history, 2009.
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Now we've found that when
a woman enters the workforce,
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her testosterone
level rises. Um hm
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Well whenever
testosterone levels go up,
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oxytocin levels
go down and oxytocin
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is connected to empathy.
00:09:34.77\00:09:36.10
So the more we push
women into the workforce,
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and, by the way,
they've discovered that
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the higher up
they go in the rank,
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all the way up to a manager
and all the way up to CEO,
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the higher their testosterone
levels. Hmm, that make sense.
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So, we may have a
hormonal reason, an explanation,
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for what is happening
with women and, of course,
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I agree things are changing;
women are single parents.
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That's another thing - a woman
has to be both man and woman
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to her child - so
that's another factor.
00:10:03.20\00:10:05.83
And it also goes back to what
I was saying earlier too about
00:10:05.87\00:10:10.14
media and music and all
that it's changing the values.
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It's reshaping
people's values. Absolutely
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It's making them think,
"Okay I gotta act like this,"
00:10:18.25\00:10:20.72
or this is what you should
have, this is what you want.
00:10:20.75\00:10:24.09
You know, and it's
telling them, filling their head
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with all the wrong
things for both men and women.
00:10:26.42\00:10:29.26
Let's take a look
at Jamela's results...
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You guys are all
moderates, a bunch of moderates
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here we have.
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This is very
good, lots of balance.
00:10:38.77\00:10:40.94
The same thing that
I've told the others...
00:10:40.97\00:10:42.70
You have a high
need for communication,
00:10:42.74\00:10:44.81
and you have, well when I
say high, moderately high need,
00:10:44.84\00:10:48.64
and you have also a
moderate need for intimacy.
00:10:48.68\00:10:51.01
You said you don't
like guys to be too close,
00:10:51.05\00:10:52.91
but I'm sure there are
other aspects of affection
00:10:52.95\00:10:55.65
that you probably enjoy if your
score is going to be this high.
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Okay, how is this
going to influence
00:10:59.19\00:11:02.19
how you look for someone else?
00:11:02.22\00:11:03.99
Well, as a female,
I choose not to look
00:11:04.03\00:11:07.76
since a man finds a
wife, he finds a good thing
00:11:07.80\00:11:11.37
so I choose to just continue
to be moderate, I guess,
00:11:11.40\00:11:16.27
and I think I already
kind of knew what I was,
00:11:16.30\00:11:20.88
so kind of how I
felt about certain things,
00:11:20.91\00:11:22.58
but I think my challenge
is finding this other person,
00:11:22.61\00:11:25.71
because I don't know if
you're X moderate or X moderate
00:11:25.75\00:11:27.88
or what you are,
unless you take the test
00:11:27.92\00:11:30.39
then I have to wait 58
dates, then to figure this out
00:11:30.42\00:11:34.62
that you are
really a YY or something,
00:11:34.66\00:11:38.06
and then it's not working so...
00:11:38.09\00:11:39.89
Let's go back to that
last line, we will end on this.
00:11:39.93\00:11:44.33
I want you to take a look
at this couple and tell me
00:11:44.37\00:11:48.20
whether you think that
these two people are happy.
00:11:48.24\00:11:53.04
If they're not, I also
want you to tell me how early
00:11:53.07\00:11:56.28
do you think they could have
figured that out in the process?
00:11:56.31\00:12:00.02
So the next time we
meet, be thinking about
00:12:00.05\00:12:04.39
those answers and we'll
pick it up from right here.
00:12:04.42\00:12:07.79
Welcome back
Jennifer, Kory, Kim. Thank you
00:12:11.99\00:12:14.43
I am certain that you
are excited about finding out
00:12:15.50\00:12:19.07
your results.
Absolutely. Oh yes.
00:12:19.10\00:12:21.50
So let's start with Jennifer,
let's take a look at the screen.
00:12:21.54\00:12:24.91
Okay, Jennifer
you're an XX, an X moderate,
00:12:24.94\00:12:29.11
and X moderately high.
00:12:29.14\00:12:30.98
Remember we're
measuring two things here...
00:12:31.01\00:12:33.28
Your need for communication
which is the first X and a
00:12:33.31\00:12:37.52
slightly higher
need for intimacy
00:12:37.55\00:12:39.22
which is the second X. Right
00:12:39.25\00:12:40.86
This goes both ways, it
means this is what you expect
00:12:40.92\00:12:44.16
from your partner
and this is what you will
00:12:44.19\00:12:46.06
give to your partner. Right
00:12:46.09\00:12:47.76
Even if your
partner has lower needs,
00:12:47.80\00:12:49.70
you will be
inclined to give this,
00:12:49.73\00:12:51.20
and that might
result in some resentment.
00:12:51.23\00:12:54.67
Okay? Let's look
at the next slide...
00:12:54.70\00:12:56.87
So Kimberly, is
this what you expected?
00:12:59.77\00:13:05.11
I honestly don't
know what I expected.
00:13:05.15\00:13:07.85
All right, so let me explain...
00:13:07.88\00:13:09.85
We actually have seven levels of
both communication and intimacy.
00:13:09.88\00:13:15.89
Moderate is right in
the middle of the high end,
00:13:15.92\00:13:20.76
but borderline is just
borderline, right in-between.
00:13:20.80\00:13:25.30
Borderline actually
explains a lot of what we
00:13:25.33\00:13:28.74
were talking about which is,
you have a bit of a lower need
00:13:28.77\00:13:34.14
for intimacy which would mean
at times, you would feel the
00:13:34.18\00:13:38.08
need for some
space, some solitude,
00:13:38.11\00:13:41.98
some alone time...
This much is true. Laughter
00:13:42.02\00:13:47.06
Your husband confirms...
and it's hard to tell when
00:13:47.09\00:13:52.63
you're going to
need these things.
00:13:52.66\00:13:54.06
He's just going to have
to continue to, you know,
00:13:54.10\00:13:56.90
be aware that sometimes you
need it and sometimes you don't.
00:13:56.93\00:14:00.44
And the way a lot of
husbands do that is to leave it
00:14:00.47\00:14:02.80
up to you to reach out for it,
to ask for it, to initiate it.
00:14:02.84\00:14:07.74
Because it's impossible to tell
when you're really feeling that.
00:14:07.78\00:14:11.05
So borderline is borderline,
it means that on some days
00:14:11.08\00:14:15.08
you will feel like,
"Okay, I need some attention."
00:14:15.12\00:14:18.82
On other days, you'll feel like,
"I just need to be left alone
00:14:18.85\00:14:22.49
in my shell, not coming out,
I just need some "me" time." Ok
00:14:22.52\00:14:27.90
So the trick to getting
closer; however, is really to
00:14:27.93\00:14:31.70
finding out how
much space you need.
00:14:31.73\00:14:35.17
It seems like a
little contradiction,
00:14:35.20\00:14:36.54
but you can actually
get closer to someone
00:14:36.57\00:14:38.34
by giving them more
space because if you don't,
00:14:38.37\00:14:42.74
what you caused is resentment
00:14:42.78\00:14:45.11
and that is the
enemy of closeness.
00:14:45.15\00:14:47.55
So, yeah, but a little
bit of a contradiction,
00:14:47.58\00:14:51.19
but it's something
that Kory looks like he is
00:14:51.22\00:14:54.09
quite capable of performing.
00:14:54.12\00:14:57.23
Moderate in
terms of communication,
00:14:57.26\00:14:59.13
so you are a communicator,
that's not borderline at all.
00:14:59.16\00:15:02.46
You like Kory to communicate
with you and you want
00:15:02.50\00:15:06.47
that level of
communication as well.
00:15:06.50\00:15:08.74
Remember we
talked about oxytocin,
00:15:08.80\00:15:11.04
both of these produce
oxytocin, but with borderline
00:15:11.07\00:15:15.38
intimacy need, means that
Kory has to be careful to not
00:15:15.41\00:15:19.31
overwhelm you because
what you might do that would
00:15:19.35\00:15:23.08
naturally produce
oxytocin in someone else,
00:15:23.12\00:15:25.75
would have the
opposite effect with Kim.
00:15:25.79\00:15:28.39
Okay, let's take a look
at you, Kory, and your slide.
00:15:30.06\00:15:34.43
When I saw "borderline"
still, I thought that was
00:15:34.46\00:15:36.20
interesting, something's wrong.
00:15:36.23\00:15:37.63
Okay, so you are X
moderate, X moderate which is,
00:15:37.67\00:15:41.70
you know, balanced.
00:15:41.74\00:15:43.14
But here's the thing,
you are a little distance
00:15:43.17\00:15:46.64
away from Kimberly in
terms of affection and intimacy
00:15:46.68\00:15:51.61
which means Kim would have
to make some effort at times
00:15:51.65\00:15:57.09
to produce and provide
the affection that you need.
00:15:57.12\00:16:00.66
Now there was a time that
we thought that this was an
00:16:00.69\00:16:03.56
optional thing - you know,
"Oh my wife needs for me to
00:16:03.59\00:16:07.66
talk to her, you know,
she has this need to chat"
00:16:07.70\00:16:10.10
or whatever, or my
husband is always touchy-feely
00:16:10.13\00:16:13.23
and I'm not in the mood for it.
00:16:13.27\00:16:14.80
Well that was before
the new science came out.
00:16:14.84\00:16:18.47
The new science is showing
that this is strongly hormonal
00:16:18.51\00:16:22.14
and marriages and relationships
depend on it. Mercy
00:16:22.18\00:16:27.02
If your hormones drop too
low, you will begin to feel
00:16:27.05\00:16:32.79
detached as opposed to attached.
00:16:32.82\00:16:35.46
It's not something
that happens overnight. Okay
00:16:35.49\00:16:37.63
But if it's left
unattended for months and years,
00:16:37.66\00:16:42.76
one day someone
can wake up and feel,
00:16:42.80\00:16:45.50
"What do we have in common?"
00:16:45.53\00:16:47.30
"I don't feel the
attachment anymore, it's gone."
00:16:47.34\00:16:50.84
And at point, it's very
difficult to get it back. Hmm
00:16:50.87\00:16:54.14
So both of you, and I'm sure
that you're probably already
00:16:54.18\00:16:57.31
doing this, but you would
need to always stay cognizant
00:16:57.35\00:17:01.15
of the fact that
the intimacy part...
00:17:01.18\00:17:03.22
you're going to have to
monitor it and that simply means
00:17:03.25\00:17:06.76
you would make an
effort to give more. Yes
00:17:06.79\00:17:09.92
More than you feel to give
and, Kory, you would make an
00:17:09.96\00:17:13.03
effort to be willing to accept a
little less than you would like.
00:17:13.06\00:17:18.23
So that kind of causes you guys
00:17:18.27\00:17:20.00
to meet in the middle,
the communication is fine.
00:17:20.04\00:17:22.60
You all are on the
same page with that.
00:17:22.64\00:17:24.21
I wouldn't
really worry about that,
00:17:24.24\00:17:25.67
just the intimacy piece needs
to have a bit of a monitoring.
00:17:25.71\00:17:31.41
Okay, you want
to say something...
00:17:31.45\00:17:33.21
I was going to say, it's
actually kind of interesting
00:17:33.25\00:17:35.08
because I think we
kind already knew somewhat,
00:17:35.12\00:17:38.22
but it's interesting to
actually see it proven, I guess,
00:17:38.25\00:17:43.12
scientifically - kind of makes
you feel like you're not crazy.
00:17:43.16\00:17:45.76
Before, at least we knew that we
were kind of on the right track.
00:17:45.79\00:17:49.56
And what we were
talking about earlier is...
00:17:49.60\00:17:52.47
this could have been discovered
00:17:52.50\00:17:56.20
when you guys were 2 years old.
00:17:56.24\00:18:01.41
You know, the science
just came out, unfortunately,
00:18:01.44\00:18:03.61
but for the young people
ahead of us, I envy them because
00:18:03.65\00:18:07.82
they can actually, on day one,
00:18:07.85\00:18:10.49
before they go
on that first date,
00:18:10.52\00:18:12.49
they can find out - "Okay, you
need more intimacy than I do,"
00:18:12.52\00:18:15.72
And then, here's
the next decision...
00:18:15.76\00:18:18.49
And the next decision is this...
00:18:18.53\00:18:19.86
Remember we were
talking about closeness?
00:18:19.89\00:18:22.06
But closeness is
not the same as oneness.
00:18:22.10\00:18:24.63
Closeness is where you start,
00:18:24.67\00:18:26.60
and if you're
lucky, you achieve it.
00:18:26.63\00:18:29.80
Oneness is the
goal that we have.
00:18:29.84\00:18:32.94
You have to get to the
place where, if someone asks
00:18:32.97\00:18:35.68
you a question,
she can answer. Um hm
00:18:35.71\00:18:38.41
You guys are just one.
00:18:38.45\00:18:40.45
Now, the only way to go
from closeness to oneness
00:18:40.48\00:18:43.35
is by adjusting and adapting.
00:18:43.39\00:18:46.69
This is the reason why a
lot of people get into marriage
00:18:46.72\00:18:49.92
and they're very disappointed
and they're very discouraged
00:18:49.96\00:18:52.36
usually because the changes
that they were willing to make
00:18:52.39\00:18:55.96
in the dating phase is stopped.
00:18:56.00\00:18:59.93
It's not entirely their fault.
00:18:59.97\00:19:02.34
The fact is - our bodies
naturally produce a whole
00:19:02.37\00:19:06.64
flush of hormones during the
dating phase that do all kinds
00:19:06.68\00:19:10.38
of little tricks to
help us to fall in love,
00:19:10.41\00:19:12.48
from blinding us to
the faults of the person
00:19:12.51\00:19:15.88
you are falling in love
with, you don't want to eat,
00:19:15.92\00:19:19.25
you want to spend all your time.
00:19:19.29\00:19:20.82
Think about it, you're actually
preoccupied with this person.
00:19:20.86\00:19:23.89
This person is your priority.
00:19:23.93\00:19:25.89
You would do anything for
them and you make changes.
00:19:25.93\00:19:28.83
You do things that
you would never have done.
00:19:28.86\00:19:30.90
Maybe you never
bought a rose in your life,
00:19:30.93\00:19:32.47
but you're buying roses now.
00:19:32.50\00:19:34.07
Two dozen... Exactly
00:19:34.10\00:19:35.60
Exactly. Two
dozen, there you go...
00:19:35.64\00:19:37.54
Two dozen. You've
never been to the beach,
00:19:37.57\00:19:39.27
but you're going
to the beach now.
00:19:39.31\00:19:40.84
Maybe you hate the
mountains or you hate the cold,
00:19:40.88\00:19:42.94
but you're willing. Yeah
00:19:42.98\00:19:44.45
And you also make
a lot of promises...
00:19:44.48\00:19:46.31
Who ever is the
stronger X- type among you
00:19:46.35\00:19:49.38
will make the most promises.
00:19:49.42\00:19:52.02
For X-types, words -
that's their currency.
00:19:52.05\00:19:55.02
So you make these
quick promises and, again,
00:19:55.06\00:19:57.89
the hormones
facilitate all of this.
00:19:57.93\00:20:00.80
Unfortunately,
hormones have a reaction,
00:20:00.83\00:20:03.37
have an impact and
impression on your brain cells.
00:20:03.40\00:20:06.10
It actually changes
the shape of your brain.
00:20:06.13\00:20:08.34
When people date,
it changes the brain,
00:20:08.37\00:20:11.71
and so now your brain
has changed in such a way
00:20:11.74\00:20:13.98
so that you
expect to date forever
00:20:14.01\00:20:16.78
your brain
doesn't have a concept of
00:20:16.81\00:20:18.38
"now you have a
ring on your finger."
00:20:18.41\00:20:19.91
All your brain
knows, "I really like this,
00:20:19.95\00:20:23.35
this was great, this
was fun, this was play,"
00:20:23.39\00:20:26.45
and then the ring hits the
finger and the kids come along,
00:20:26.49\00:20:29.89
and the play is
gone and it's work!
00:20:29.92\00:20:32.76
And the brain doesn't get that.
00:20:32.79\00:20:35.36
To compound the situation,
the hormones are withdrawn
00:20:35.40\00:20:38.30
because they
served their purpose.
00:20:38.33\00:20:39.67
Their purpose was only to
get you to this point. Yeah
00:20:39.70\00:20:41.84
And now with serotonin
and all of the other hormones
00:20:41.87\00:20:46.17
retreating, your scales
on your eyes are completely
00:20:46.21\00:20:50.35
removed and you see every
single fault in the person that
00:20:50.38\00:20:54.52
you were overlooking -
things with before. Right
00:20:54.55\00:20:57.85
So as a result, we try to
tell people, "Okay this is what
00:20:57.89\00:21:01.92
you need to do - you
need to know who you are
00:21:01.96\00:21:04.36
interested in who you
getting with on this side of
00:21:04.39\00:21:07.60
the equation, so the
test that we created,
00:21:07.63\00:21:09.23
the XY-Personality
Test, it does something
00:21:09.26\00:21:11.30
very remarkable that no other
test does - it actually measures
00:21:11.33\00:21:15.14
what we call "the
relationship personality,"
00:21:15.20\00:21:17.44
not the social personality
because that's useless.
00:21:17.47\00:21:20.81
This is not what someone
is going to be able to keep up
00:21:20.84\00:21:22.74
with for the
rest of their lives.
00:21:22.78\00:21:24.88
What they can keep up with
is relationship personality,
00:21:24.91\00:21:28.15
and we call that
"the default setting."
00:21:28.18\00:21:31.12
So it's the setting that
the person reverts back to
00:21:31.15\00:21:33.82
when they're comfortable,
when they no longer have
00:21:33.86\00:21:35.82
to impress you when
you've been married for a while,
00:21:35.86\00:21:38.16
you know each other for a while
and you're not going anywhere.
00:21:38.19\00:21:40.90
You will get married
to the default setting,
00:21:40.93\00:21:43.43
but you don't know it because
during that dating period
00:21:43.47\00:21:46.37
you are mesmerized and blinded
and this happens to everyone.
00:21:46.40\00:21:51.24
So as a result, when we
test couples, 85% of all couples
00:21:51.27\00:21:54.34
are mismatched. Wow
00:21:54.38\00:21:57.01
Eighty-five percent, but
you have no way of knowing.
00:21:57.05\00:21:59.95
We have teenagers
that don't want to listen
00:21:59.98\00:22:02.32
to their parents' advice
and that is a huge mistake, why?
00:22:02.35\00:22:05.15
The same hormones, they
impact what you call your
00:22:05.19\00:22:09.52
prefrontal cortex and
actually shut them down to the
00:22:09.56\00:22:13.26
point where
judgment is impaired.
00:22:13.29\00:22:16.03
You cannot tell that
the person that you're so
00:22:16.06\00:22:18.37
mesmerized by is
the person that is
00:22:18.40\00:22:20.07
the one you can spend
the rest of your life with
00:22:20.10\00:22:21.57
because the part of your
brain that is responsible
00:22:21.60\00:22:23.81
for decision-making
and reasoning shuts off.
00:22:23.84\00:22:26.98
So I'm guessing that we're in
the 15%, I'm praying that we're
00:22:27.01\00:22:29.48
in the 15%. Laughter
00:22:29.51\00:22:32.11
I'm here thinking, "Lord,
don't let me be in the 85."
00:22:32.15\00:22:34.18
No, no, no, not now.
No, you guys are good. Okay
00:22:34.22\00:22:37.02
Oh you guys are in
the 15%, but the 85%,
00:22:38.05\00:22:40.09
they have a wider margin.
00:22:40.12\00:22:41.82
You guys are just like one
level apart from each other
00:22:41.86\00:22:43.83
which is why we're sitting
here and laughing about it. Okay
00:22:43.86\00:22:46.29
Okay, yeah that's good. Yes
that's why we're doing that.
00:22:46.33\00:22:50.07
Okay, so now I think you
guys all did what we call
00:22:50.10\00:22:53.27
"A Reluctant
Partner Test." Right. Yes.
00:22:53.30\00:22:55.94
And the reason for that
is to see if you know your
00:22:55.97\00:22:58.91
partner as well
as you think you do.
00:22:58.94\00:23:01.84
So let's start with
Jennifer's slide. Okay
00:23:01.88\00:23:04.28
Let's look at the screen.
00:23:04.31\00:23:06.95
Anthony - so if
you recall Jennifer's,
00:23:06.98\00:23:10.75
what was her
profile, what was her...
00:23:10.79\00:23:13.66
personality type -
do you guys remember? XX
00:23:13.69\00:23:15.72
So XX and Anthony is a YY.
00:23:15.76\00:23:19.96
There's no way to spin this.
Completely opposite - yeah.
00:23:20.00\00:23:24.30
I'm one end of the
pendulum to the other. Wooo
00:23:24.33\00:23:27.74
Yeah, yeah - can you put
a good spin on this? Yeah
00:23:27.77\00:23:30.07
Absolutely.
Here's the pendulum here.
00:23:30.11\00:23:33.24
Absolutely. Moderately high.
00:23:33.27\00:23:34.64
Could be like
borderline like you.
00:23:34.68\00:23:37.11
So correct. And she's here.
00:23:37.15\00:23:39.21
I'm all the way over there. Yeah
00:23:39.25\00:23:41.15
Just in a little few
minutes, could you just tell us
00:23:41.18\00:23:45.05
a little bit of what that
disparity is like for you?
00:23:45.09\00:23:48.22
I think it's really interesting,
I mean the love of my life,
00:23:48.26\00:23:53.19
absolutely, after
16 years, you know,
00:23:53.23\00:23:55.66
and I find it to be
quite interesting indeed.
00:23:55.70\00:23:59.60
I think one of the
things that came out while you
00:23:59.63\00:24:02.84
were speaking is that
need for space because Y's
00:24:02.87\00:24:06.94
usually need that type of space.
00:24:06.98\00:24:09.88
And what I have
noticed in our dynamics is that
00:24:09.91\00:24:13.18
being an X, here it is I'm
like, "Well maybe something
00:24:13.21\00:24:16.95
is wrong with you
honey? Are you okay?
00:24:16.99\00:24:19.52
You're so quiet?"
00:24:19.55\00:24:20.89
It's like, "Well
everything is just fine."
00:24:20.92\00:24:23.02
And I'm like, you know, "No."
00:24:23.06\00:24:25.63
I'm beginning to diagnose now.
00:24:25.66\00:24:27.40
Nothing, no. You're not fine.
00:24:27.43\00:24:29.66
Something, so that need
for space and what I have come
00:24:29.70\00:24:32.53
to recognize - it doesn't
mean the person doesn't care.
00:24:32.57\00:24:36.77
But the wives really like
that alone-time, that me-time.
00:24:36.81\00:24:41.88
And something you said
that was really, I thought,
00:24:41.91\00:24:44.01
very important earlier
on is that giving that space
00:24:44.05\00:24:49.32
actually creates that
closeness and most of the times
00:24:49.35\00:24:52.82
we look at it as
quite the opposite...
00:24:52.85\00:24:54.46
Well if I give
that person that space,
00:24:54.49\00:24:56.59
the space is going
to get wider. Right
00:24:56.62\00:24:58.33
But I think it is
interesting to note that it's
00:24:58.36\00:25:00.40
quite the opposite
that takes place. Yeah
00:25:00.43\00:25:03.06
The next time we meet,
we will talk more about
00:25:03.10\00:25:07.90
that conundrum that
you're describing. Right
00:25:07.94\00:25:11.21
And we'll take a look at your
"Reluctant Partner" results.
00:25:11.24\00:25:15.94
There isn't a realization
more sobering than the
00:25:21.28\00:25:24.79
realization that the one
person you thought would be
00:25:24.82\00:25:27.72
your soul mate is anything but.
00:25:27.76\00:25:29.66
The sudden awareness that
other things matter more to him
00:25:29.69\00:25:33.70
or her -
anything, any other person.
00:25:33.73\00:25:37.60
This isn't about
infidelity, but indifference.
00:25:37.63\00:25:39.90
You convince yourself
that you're not the one,
00:25:39.93\00:25:42.80
just one because if you
were, your partner would
00:25:42.84\00:25:46.01
be interested in
oneness, the way you are,
00:25:46.04\00:25:48.68
the way you know God is.
00:25:48.71\00:25:50.48
In John 10:30, God said,
"I and the Father are one."
00:25:50.51\00:25:55.22
And Genesis 1:26 says,
"But God created Adam and Eve
00:25:55.25\00:25:58.92
in His own image."
The image of oneness.
00:25:58.95\00:26:02.29
One takes the
concept of closeness
00:26:02.32\00:26:04.66
entirely to another level.
00:26:04.69\00:26:06.09
There are achievements
God has planned for a couple
00:26:06.13\00:26:09.23
that will never be
realized without oneness.
00:26:09.26\00:26:12.80
This is a
pretty big deal to God.
00:26:12.83\00:26:14.67
On one occasion Jesus
even explained that a house
00:26:14.70\00:26:17.81
divided against
itself cannot stand.
00:26:17.84\00:26:20.11
How many of us feel
oneness with our partners?
00:26:20.14\00:26:23.95
How many of us can say our
partners feel that way about us?
00:26:23.98\00:26:27.22
We've added a
question in our test that asks
00:26:27.25\00:26:30.25
a person if they're
willing to adapt to someone else
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to make a relationship work.
00:26:34.02\00:26:35.62
At least 50% of test-takers said
"no, they would rather not."
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Some of them "Christians."
00:26:40.10\00:26:41.96
I said to one gentleman,
"So you would like to be in
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a relationship, but you
have no desire to change?"
00:26:45.00\00:26:47.67
"Yep," he said, "that's
correct, I am who I am."
00:26:47.70\00:26:50.84
To be one with someone, you
can do this in several ways.
00:26:50.87\00:26:55.98
Be one in purpose - can two
walk together except they agree?
00:26:56.01\00:27:01.12
You've got to be
on the same page,
00:27:01.15\00:27:03.08
heading in the same direction,
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wanting the same
things out of life,
00:27:04.65\00:27:07.12
have the same values.
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Don't choose someone with
whom you have nothing in common.
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Lastly, and this is for
both singles and couples...
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If you are
already in a relationship,
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make sure that the one
you're with is someone who
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is willing to change,
willing to grow to adapt
00:27:22.44\00:27:25.54
or adjust.
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Join us next time
on "Road to Romance"
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