Participants: Dr. John Jacob (Host), Jameela & Jason, Jennifer, Kisha, Kory & Kimberly
Series Code: RDR
Program Code: RDR000008
|
00:24 Hello and welcome to "Road to Romance"
00:26 I'm your host Dr. John Jacob 00:28 My guests today are Kisha, Jason and Jamela. 00:33 Welcome! Thank you! 00:35 Can we start with some introductions? 00:39 Well, like you said, my name is Kisha. 00:42 I spent most of my life in Louisiana, 00:44 but I moved to Loma Linda to pursue my Master's 00:47 in clinical counseling. 00:49 In my clinical work, I've worked with couples, families, 00:53 children, individuals and now I'm doing a 00:57 Doctorate in Family Study. Very nice. 01:00 My name is Jason, I'm 28 years old, 01:03 and I work for the "Dare to Dream Network," 01:06 living in Marion, Illinois. 01:07 I am Jamela Stuckey, I'm 25 years old. 01:11 I am currently going to join AmeriCorps this year and then 01:15 after that, I will pursue my Master's degree at UCLA. 01:19 Very good, so we're all single. Yes. Yes. Yes! 01:22 Well I have some interesting information for you, 01:25 and maybe it will change how you do a lot of things 01:27 including dating, especially dating. 01:30 Let's look at the screen... 01:31 Can you tell if these two babies 01:33 will grow up to be a perfect match? No. 01:36 Well science is claiming that they can. How? 01:39 There is some science coming out of the UK where 01:43 a doctor was looking for a way to predict 01:45 which babies would be born with autism. 01:48 As you know, autism is on the rise, 01:49 so there's a lot of research going on right now 01:52 trying to figure out... how can we tell before 01:55 a baby is born whether this child would be on the spectrum. 01:59 So he got permission to draw amniotic fluid from 02:03 several pregnant women. 02:05 He would test it for one hormone called, "testosterone," 02:09 and what he found is... The amount of testosterone 02:12 that fetus is exposed to determines whether or not 02:16 they're going to turn out with 02:17 one personality or the other. 02:20 It was very interesting. 02:24 He actually got permission to be there as women were 02:27 giving birth to their children. 02:29 He asked if he could test the babies as soon as they 02:32 were born and he was told... "You need to wait 24 hours." 02:35 "Sorry, but, you know, we need some time with our baby." 02:38 At 24 hours, he was able to go to these babies, 02:43 show each baby a picture of a human being 02:47 or a picture of a toy... 02:49 So what he found was... some babies responded 02:52 very positively to the toy and others 02:55 responded positively to the face. 02:58 Well, he didn't stop there because most scientists 02:59 have to keep going until they are conclusive. 03:02 So at 2 years of age, he went and tested the babies again, 03:05 and he found the ones who were interested in the toy 03:08 had less words in terms of vocabulary that they were able 03:12 to acquire just about 20 words compared to the other group 03:15 600 words. Wow. Wow. 03:18 And he tested them again at 4 years of age, 03:20 and he found that empathy levels for the group with the 03:25 high testosterone levels, empathy levels 03:29 were really low compared to the other group... 03:32 And he tested them at 8 years old, and 16, 03:34 and basically what he was doing is testing for personality. 03:39 Now as far as he was concerned, he was looking for autism, 03:41 but when we looked at what he was measuring, 03:44 he was actually measuring the same traits 03:46 that the XY Personality Test measures, 03:49 the exact same traits. 03:51 So we have concluded and determined from this, 03:54 it is possible to know, Jason, what your needs are 03:58 going to be as an adult from the 04:01 time you are 1, 2, 3 years old. 04:04 That's amazing! I want to find out. Okay! 04:08 At the end of this segment, we will have you take the test, 04:11 and you'll be able to find out exactly what you are. 04:14 Now this is a little scary for some 04:17 because you know what this means. 04:19 This means that, like a computer some of us, most of us, 04:22 come front-loaded. 04:24 In other words, from the time you were born, 04:27 you already have a personality that is already determined 04:30 prenatally. 04:32 So now that's the scary part, but the good thing is 04:35 this can help you with dating. 04:38 When you choose someone, that person already has 04:42 preprogrammed certain things that they need from you. 04:45 If you have no idea what those needs are, guess what? 04:49 You're not going to supply them. Right 04:52 You will end up with someone that is very unhappy with you 04:56 because you have no idea what they need. 04:58 So what the test does is, it tells you... 05:00 This is what I need and this is what she needs. 05:04 Is it a match? Do I have what it takes 05:07 to make her happy for a lifetime? 05:08 So science, and this is the first time that this has been 05:12 discovered - I mean, this is 5 years old - the science is. 05:15 Prior to this, no one had done anything like it, 05:18 and we all felt that personalities were developed 05:21 completely during your teenage years and your early childhood. 05:25 Now we know, you have a lot of it preprogrammed 05:29 almost genetically and definitely hormonally. 05:31 That's huge, that could save a lot of time 05:33 and heartache. It can. 05:35 How much would you say is already preprogrammed 05:38 because you're saying that, prenatally, a lot of it is 05:42 already there and then it develops as we get older, 05:46 but how much would you say is there before we then... 05:50 Well, we couldn't assign a percentage, 05:53 but we do know that in some key areas like communication 05:56 and intimacy - those things are preset. 06:00 Now, you can change things slightly during your 06:03 childhood years based on how your parents raised you. 06:06 But if you like communication, there is very little 06:10 that your parents could do to change that. 06:11 If you remember what you were like as a child, 06:13 some children grew up and they are "yappers." 06:16 You hear your parents talk about them talking all the time. 06:18 My mom complained about me being a yapper. 06:20 She said, "You wouldn't shut up." 06:22 And this is how a lot of kids are. 06:25 Well as it turns out, the yappers turn out to be 06:28 the kids who are communicators, who need communication, 06:32 and who give a lot of communication. 06:34 And there was nothing that my parents could do to 06:36 get me to shut up. 06:38 It's just preprogrammed, it's like hard-wiring. 06:41 You know you have hard-wiring and you have soft-wiring. 06:43 Soft-wiring would be whatever your parents might do to 06:47 influence how you see the world and how you see things. 06:50 That's soft-wiring because, you know, 06:51 you can change your mind. 06:53 But hard-wiring is organic, it's in the brain, 06:56 it's how you are wired to think and to feel, 06:59 and what you're wired to need. 07:00 So something like this, of course, is very helpful. 07:03 This guy had no idea, when he was doing his autism testing, 07:06 he had no idea that he was going to make 07:08 this kind of contribution to relationship science. 07:11 So what about your parents, were your parents the same way 07:13 you are - I mean, do they talk a lot, which one of your parents 07:17 talks the most? That's a good question! 07:19 My mom is the talker, she is the communicator. 07:21 And I'll share the story about my parents later on, 07:25 but my dad was not the communicator. 07:28 His communication scores were extremely low 07:31 compared to my mom and that's a good question, Jason, 07:33 because they found that it's very genetic. 07:36 So if you have two parents that were communicators, 07:38 and also high in their need for intimacy, 07:41 then chances are that the majority of their children 07:43 would also be high in those needs, so it's very genetic. 07:46 I have one sibling and he turned out like my dad; 07:51 I turned out like my mom and that basically, 07:53 you know, is how genetics work - that's a good question. 07:56 So if you know that you want a child that is very intimate, 08:00 very affectionate, then you might want to get 08:03 a partner that is also the same. Yeah 08:07 You do a lot of work with families, 08:09 how do you see this impacting what you do? 08:12 How might you apply some of this science to your work? 08:16 Well it's definitely interesting. 08:19 When you were talking earlier about, you know, 08:22 getting somebody who understands your needs, 08:25 so many times families and couples come in 08:29 and they're like, "He just doesn't understand me, 08:31 or "She doesn't understand me," and a lot of times 08:35 it takes a lot of work to get the person 08:38 to themselves. 08:39 So I think once the person is able to know what their 08:44 needs are, know how to articulate those needs, 08:46 then they can be with somebody 08:49 who can articulate those same needs with them. 08:53 Okay, as you know, this is called "XY Theory," 08:56 and X really means high need and Y means low need. 09:00 So, how might this change your dating? 09:04 Well, that question is a question you guys 09:08 will each other answer. 09:10 When folks learn about this theory, sometimes they want 09:13 to just go on and experiment and just think, 09:15 "Well you know, I'm just going to date like I always 09:17 have been dating - I'm not going to think about what I need 09:21 and what the other person needs because maybe we can change 09:23 and meet in the middle." 09:25 But for you guys, I can tell you right now, 09:27 if you look back at how you date, 09:29 you'd realize that your personality in terms of 09:31 your XY difference, really affects how you date. 09:34 For instance, I'll give you an example... 09:36 Guys that are Y-types, they tend not to like 09:39 women that are too chatty. 09:42 If you were to go on a first date with a Y-type guy, 09:45 you would want to not disclose too much of yourself to him. 09:49 You know, there are a lot of women who, on the first date, 09:52 by the end of it anyway - the guy knows EVERYTHING 09:55 about the history. 09:56 The guys knows where they were born; the guy knows 09:58 if they are the third or fourth child; the guys knows 10:01 the grandfather's name and what he did and where he 10:04 came from and if he came from Africa or if he came from Asia, 10:08 and they know everything and they just spill everything 10:09 out on the first date. 10:11 If you were with a guy who was a Y-type guy, 10:13 he would be pretty much turned off by that. 10:15 At the end of the date, he's going to feel like, 10:17 you know, "Jamela, I know you, I know everything I need 10:20 to know about you - there's nothing exciting about this." 10:22 So if you were to date someone like that, you would have to 10:25 think to yourself, "Okay, he's a bit of a Y-type, 10:28 so let me withhold something." 10:30 Mystery: Y-type guys love women who are a tad bit mysterious. 10:36 Now there's a scary side to mystery, of course, 10:39 because, you know, if someone isn't talking about themselves, 10:41 then maybe you're going to find something out 10:43 down the road that you couldn't live with. Serial killer. 10:45 Well, I would not go that far. Hopefully not. 10:49 Hopefully not, hopefully not. Laughter... 10:52 But looking back, looking back at how you date, 10:55 can you see any times that you might have used one approach 10:59 or the other - I mean any of you? 11:01 You guys have dated... 11:04 Well, I mean my whole issue is with the bait and switch thing. 11:10 You know, you meet somebody, they act one way, 11:14 you know, they put on a front so you're interested in them. 11:17 You think you're getting to know this person, 11:20 then months down the line, the real person comes out. Right 11:25 And you don't want to deal with the real person, 11:27 you know, you go through that infatuation stage, 11:29 and then after that, you're stuck with somebody else. 11:34 And I can explain that, we had covered, previously, 11:37 about the difference between the social personality 11:40 and the relationship personality. 11:42 When you meet someone, they are in a social setting, 11:47 so what you actually see is their social personality. 11:51 Almost any setting that you would meet someone 11:53 and prior to knowing them personally, 11:55 they are in a social setting. 11:56 So at church, folks are smiling, they're friendly; 12:01 they want to get to know you; they may shake your hand 12:05 or you go to work - it's the same thing. 12:08 People are trying to be helpful and you feel like you know them. 12:11 This is a social personality and the social personality 12:14 has a job to do which is to present you in the best 12:17 possible light to accomplish your goals, 12:20 whatever those goals are. 12:22 If you're at work, your goal is to not get fired. 12:24 Laughter... right? Right. 12:26 You want to do a good job, so you are going to smile 12:29 with the boss even if you don't agree with anything 12:32 that he's ever said and you are going to play nice 12:36 with your coworkers and your colleagues even if 12:39 deep down inside you don't have any respect for them, 12:41 you're going to do whatever you need to do... 12:43 And the reason why you're able to do that is because 12:45 your social personality makes it possible. 12:47 Well, you also date with that personality and, unfortunately, 12:52 that personality is going to make sure that the person 12:55 gets your interest, keeps your interest and gets you to commit. 12:58 Before we go any further, let me ask you guys... 13:01 So what is your idea of a perfect match? 13:04 Any of you... That's a hard question. 13:08 Just because society gives us all these ideas about, 13:12 you know, there should be romance; 13:14 there should be intimacy; there should be... 13:17 you know - he should buy you things; 13:19 take you out to dinner, all that stuff. 13:22 I don't know, I mean half that stuff is nice, 13:25 but for me, ideally, I would just want someone I could 13:29 just sit at home with, chill, relax, 13:33 who I can joke with... yeah. 13:38 Okay, I'm going to have you take the personality test, 13:41 and we'll see how well that matches up 13:44 with what you just said. 13:45 Does that sound like a good idea? Yes. All right! 13:54 On this segment, my guests are Pastor Kory Douglas 13:58 and his wife, Kimberly and Jennifer. 14:01 May I call you "Kory?" Oh that's fine. 14:04 How about we start with some introductions. 14:06 Tell me a little bit about yourself... Ladies first. 14:09 Okay. Hi, my name is Jennifer Thompson, 14:12 and currently I am a nurse working in the operating room. 14:17 I am also finishing up a doctoral program 14:20 in naturopathic medicine. 14:21 When I'm not doing that, I teach community health. All busy. 14:26 And I'm Kimberly Douglas, I am an educator, 14:31 and I'm currently working on a degree in 14:35 educational leadership. Okay 14:38 And I guess I'm Pastor Douglas, Kory - KP, 14:42 whatever you want to call me. 14:44 I'm pastoring in southeast Missouri and currently 14:46 working on a degree myself as well. Very nice. 14:49 So what we'll do today, let's start with 14:52 an overview of XY theory since we 14:55 haven't talked about that yet. 14:58 Basically what we've found is that we have personalities 15:02 from birth that determine what we need in a relationship 15:07 which makes it really easy because we can find 15:11 someone that is a better match if we know what 15:14 they need from us and whether or not we have 15:17 what it takes to provide those needs. 15:19 Now you guys are already married and that's good. 15:23 We're going to still give you guys the personality test 15:25 so that you can find out maybe for the first time, 15:28 Kimberly, what Kory really needs in a relationship, 15:32 and Kory, you know, you'll do the same. Um hm 15:35 I understand that your husband was unable to make it. Yes 15:37 But you can do it for yourself 15:40 and you can actually do one for him. 15:42 So we'll have you take the test and the other test 15:44 is called, "The Reluctant Partner Test." 15:46 The reason why we have that is we have a lot of 15:48 husbands, not hers, a lot of other husbands 15:51 who just refused to take the test. 15:53 And, Kimberly, I see that you're laughing, 15:56 we have a lot of wives too who absolutely will not take a test. 16:00 So I had to create, "The Reluctant Partner Test" 16:02 so that you can take it for your partner 16:06 if he is resistant. Okay. 16:09 The way this works is... If you found out what 16:12 you needed to do in a relationship or you found out 16:15 what he needed to do, your changes 16:18 affects the whole system. Okay 16:20 So if you're here by yourself, it's okay, 16:23 you're here together, even better. 16:26 So at the end of this segment, I'll have you take that test 16:30 and you can report to us the next time. Okay 16:35 So XY Theory - basically we have two fundamental needs. 16:39 We have the need for communication, 16:41 and we have the need for intimacy. 16:43 Now we've always known that, this is nothing new. 16:46 Anyone that you talk to, an educator, a therapist, 16:48 anyone that you talked to could tell you, 16:50 of course, you need to communicate and you need to 16:52 show affection and care for your significant other. 16:56 What they did not know prior to five days of research 16:59 that we've done is, it's not the type, 17:02 it's the amount of communication you need, 17:05 and the amount of intimacy you need. 17:08 Some people need a lot and some people need a little. 17:11 We did some more research and realized that it was tied into 17:15 one hormone called, "oxytocin," and there are dozens of 17:19 studies that were replicated that found the same thing. 17:22 Even human beings, among the mammals, 17:25 need oxytocin to bond. 17:28 If you found two people who were not well-bonded, 17:31 and you drew their blood and you tested for oxytocin, 17:35 you would find low levels of oxytocin. Wow 17:39 So if you need a lot of communication, 17:42 it means that when Kory communicates with you, 17:45 your oxytocin level flows and it goes a bit higher, 17:51 but there are other things that would give that oxytocin flow. 17:54 If you are also someone that needs a lot of intimacy 17:56 and affection, when Kory provides that, it also flows. 18:00 Physical touch produces even more oxytocin. 18:04 Now oxytocin is called by a lot of scientists "the glue," 18:08 or bonding glue. 18:09 Some scientists call it "the love glue," 18:12 but the point is - you need it to be attached to the 18:16 person that you're with. 18:17 So today, what we are going to take a look at... 18:20 not just what you need to do to get that oxytocin 18:23 to be high, but the things that couples often do that destroys 18:28 the oxytocin and that's something that most people 18:31 do not pay attention to. 18:33 We're so busy focusing on, "Okay, what do I need to do, 18:36 what do I need to do," that sometimes we forget about 18:38 what do I need to NOT do that's 18:41 going to completely destroy this. 18:42 Okay? So let's talk about voice. 18:47 What we found is the tone of your voice, 18:50 if it's misinterpreted by your partner, 18:53 can actually cause them to experience a drop in oxytocin, 18:58 and the unfortunate thing is this... 19:00 There are some people who have a very deep voice, 19:03 a gruff tone almost sounding dictatorial or aggressive, 19:09 but they don't mean anything by it. Right 19:11 This is who they are, this is the voice they have. 19:13 Maybe they grew up in a home where their dad was always 19:16 the gruff, grave, serious type of guy and so they 19:20 patterned after that role model... 19:23 But then the wife may have grown up in a home where dad was 19:27 mellow and soft, so when she doesn't get that 19:31 tone, her body reacts to it. 19:35 Now if her husband didn't know that, 19:36 he would continue to converse in his natural tone 19:39 rather than bring his voice down, 19:41 rather than try to be a little more sensitive 19:43 because her need has been altered 19:46 by the home that she was raised in. 19:49 So that's one. 19:50 We've also found that criticism... 19:52 Criticism destroys oxytocin quite a bit. 19:56 Whether it goes from the man to the wife 19:59 or the wife to her husband, it just destroys it. 20:02 So we have a lot of folks who go in for therapy 20:06 and even within the therapeutic setting, 20:09 they feel comfortable to criticize 20:13 instead of just relaying information. 20:15 You have to be so careful how you say what you say 20:18 because you're actually defeating the purpose 20:21 of the session if you are going to sit there 20:24 and criticize your partner. 20:26 You're actually going to cause them to be defensive. 20:29 You're going to drop the oxytocin and you're 20:31 there to learn to bond in a better way. 20:34 So criticism - Now there are a lot of people who say, 20:36 "I don't criticize my husband," 20:37 "I don't criticize my wife," but guess what they do? 20:39 They complain a lot... not much different. 20:43 Your brain doesn't interpret that much differently. 20:47 If Kory were to complain a lot about things that you do, 20:52 your brain does not interpret this as, "Well Kory cares for me 20:55 and he's trying to make me a better person." 20:58 Your brain interprets this as, "I can't do anything right," 21:01 and your self-esteem is dropping. 21:05 And you're thinking, "I must not be a good person, 21:09 I must not be a good wife," or he wouldn't have 21:11 a thousand complaints. 21:13 That's how your brain does it. 21:15 But then there are some people who say, "I don't criticize 21:17 and I don't complain and, guess what? They overcorrect. 21:22 So we have some spouses who cannot see anything 21:29 out of place - everything has to be perfect, 21:33 and they're also always correcting. 21:35 Now, they may be correcting in a good voice, 21:37 in a nice tone, but if someone is correcting you 24/7 21:41 at the end of the day, your oxytocin levels have dropped, 21:45 and bonding cannot occur with anyone whose oxytocin 21:50 levels are below a certain point - so it's just destroyed. 21:55 And then, facial expressions... 21:57 And it sounds like there are so many things you could do 21:59 to destroy oxytocin, but there are also a lot of things 22:02 you can do to build it. Yeah 22:03 Facial expressions - apparently what science is finding now 22:08 is that your brain - Kimberly would read Kory's expression 22:12 much better than you do consciously. 22:16 So Kory is coming to want to say something to you, 22:20 and your brain is picking up that this micro expression, 22:26 this little curl of his lips means that he's about 22:31 to say something to you that's negative. 22:33 Even if you didn't know it, even if you didn't pick it up, 22:35 and your body goes into self defense mode 22:37 immediately. 22:39 So there's no wonder that so many couples cannot even 22:43 begin a dialog because every words that falls out of their 22:47 mouth starts a conflagration. 22:49 Immediately an explosion because the brain was doing its thing 22:54 very, very unconsciously to, what you were aware of. 22:58 So facial expressions have to be carefully monitored. 23:02 If I were to say something to a significant other, 23:04 I would want to think about what I was going to say 23:07 ahead of time and monitor my facial expressions so that my 23:11 face doesn't give away what I would like to keep hidden 23:15 until we get into the meat of the argument 23:17 or the meat of the discussion. 23:19 So facial expressions have to be monitored. 23:21 And then, of course, a dictatorship... 23:25 Some families are run like a dictatorship 23:28 where one person has all the power. 23:32 And what we found is... when one person has 23:34 all the power, and the other person is not okay with it, 23:38 oxytocin levels drop and I mean power in the relationship. 23:44 Most relationships are not well-balanced. 23:48 There's usually someone giving more, calling the shots more, 23:55 saying how things should be run more and we've 24:00 discovered that some individuals are okay with it. 24:03 It's important that you find out if your partner is okay with it. 24:06 I have met couples and I've met individuals who came 24:09 to me and it sounded to me like a total dictatorship 24:14 when they described what was going on at home 24:16 and the husband said, "Oh no, I'm fine, I'm fine, 24:19 happy wife, happy life, I'm good!" Laughter 24:22 And I said, "Okay, you guys are good, see you next week." 24:26 So it's not just the dictatorship, 24:28 but it's how the couple interpret that dictatorship 24:31 because some people actually like to have someone 24:34 with that amount of control. 24:36 This is something that we discovered and it was a little 24:38 surprising, but some people like it. 24:42 If you, however, do not like it, your body is going to react 24:46 and oxytocin levels will drop, and some people tend to 24:52 seek outside folks who treat them with more respect. 24:56 And it doesn't mean that there's anything inappropriate 25:00 happening if they are just forming 25:01 an emotional bond with someone else. 25:03 The last thing I wanted to share with you is... 25:06 Positives versus negatives... 25:09 The science is showing that you must be five times more 25:13 positive when you communicate with your partner. 25:17 If the ratio is 5:1, then the oxytocin is okay. 25:24 The more you approach to 1:1 ratio where you are 25:27 as positive as you are negative, the oxytocin has dropped 25:31 precipitously to some dangerous level. 25:34 When you get to 1:1, the scientists are telling us 25:36 that that is a predictor of a possible separation and divorce. 25:41 So, the next time I'm going to meet with you, 25:46 you will have results of your tests and you will be able 25:48 to see exactly what needs you have and how that's 25:51 affected by oxytocin. Okay. Sounds good. 25:53 Thank you. 25:58 Today we learned about the importance of using 26:01 positive words and actions at all times, 26:03 but the Bible also has something 26:05 very interesting to say about this. 26:07 1 John 3:18 says, "Dear children, Let us not 26:11 love with words or speech, but with actions and in truth." 26:15 It's clear that our God of love is interested in acts of love 26:19 that match words of love, but we just learned 26:22 that as fractured fallen human beings, 26:24 we really match our loving words with our acts of love. 26:28 What's more, different personality types 26:31 induce us to pay more attention and assign more 26:35 importance to one over the other. 26:37 Y- type personalities value actions to determine 26:40 how our partner feels... 26:42 Prefers actions over words to communicate, 26:46 but often does not use intimate acts such as 26:50 handholding, hugs or romance to communicate their love. 26:55 X- types can use both and both produce oxytocin 27:00 the hormone needed for bonding and closeness. 27:04 But the focus of this segment is on communication 27:07 both actions and words that actually destroy oxytocin. 27:12 In an age that values straight talk and rugged honesty, 27:15 many mistake rudeness for bluntness. 27:18 Gentleness is still one of the fruits of the spirit. 27:22 And the spirit-filled child of God is admonished 27:25 in Philippians 4:5 to let your gentleness be evident to all, 27:30 and in 1 Peter 3:15 to be prepared to give an answer 27:34 to everyone who asks, but to do it 27:37 with gentleness and respect. 27:39 Interestingly, current research shows not only does 27:44 a kind answer turn away wrath, but lowers your cortisol levels 27:48 of anxiety and allows for the flow of oxytocin without 27:53 which a lifetime of monogamous love would be vastly impaired. 27:58 Join us next time on "Road to Romance" |
Revised 2017-03-22