Hello and welcome
to "Road to Romance"
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I'm your host Dr. John Jacob
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My guests today are
Kisha, Jason and Jamela.
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Welcome! Thank you!
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Can we start with
some introductions?
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Well, like you
said, my name is Kisha.
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I spent most of
my life in Louisiana,
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but I moved to Loma
Linda to pursue my Master's
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in clinical counseling.
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In my clinical work, I've
worked with couples, families,
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children,
individuals and now I'm doing a
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Doctorate in
Family Study. Very nice.
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My name is
Jason, I'm 28 years old,
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and I work for the
"Dare to Dream Network,"
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living in Marion, Illinois.
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I am Jamela
Stuckey, I'm 25 years old.
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I am currently going to join
AmeriCorps this year and then
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after that, I will pursue
my Master's degree at UCLA.
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Very good, so we're
all single. Yes. Yes. Yes!
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Well I have some
interesting information for you,
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and maybe it will change
how you do a lot of things
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including dating,
especially dating.
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Let's look at the screen...
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Can you tell if these two babies
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will grow up to be
a perfect match? No.
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Well science is
claiming that they can. How?
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There is some science
coming out of the UK where
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a doctor was
looking for a way to predict
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which babies would
be born with autism.
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As you know,
autism is on the rise,
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so there's a lot of
research going on right now
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trying to figure
out... how can we tell before
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a baby is born whether this
child would be on the spectrum.
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So he got permission to
draw amniotic fluid from
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several pregnant women.
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He would test it for one
hormone called, "testosterone,"
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and what he found is...
The amount of testosterone
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that fetus is exposed to
determines whether or not
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they're going to turn out with
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one personality or the other.
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It was very interesting.
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He actually got permission
to be there as women were
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giving birth to their children.
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He asked if he could test
the babies as soon as they
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were born and he was told...
"You need to wait 24 hours."
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"Sorry, but, you know, we
need some time with our baby."
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At 24 hours, he was
able to go to these babies,
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show each baby a
picture of a human being
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or a picture of a toy...
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So what he found
was... some babies responded
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very positively
to the toy and others
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responded
positively to the face.
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Well, he didn't stop
there because most scientists
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have to keep going
until they are conclusive.
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So at 2 years of age, he went
and tested the babies again,
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and he found the ones who
were interested in the toy
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had less words in terms of
vocabulary that they were able
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to acquire just about 20 words
compared to the other group
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600 words. Wow. Wow.
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And he tested them
again at 4 years of age,
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and he found that empathy
levels for the group with the
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high testosterone
levels, empathy levels
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were really low
compared to the other group...
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And he tested them
at 8 years old, and 16,
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and basically what he was doing
is testing for personality.
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Now as far as he was concerned,
he was looking for autism,
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but when we looked at
what he was measuring,
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he was actually
measuring the same traits
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that the XY
Personality Test measures,
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the exact same traits.
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So we have concluded
and determined from this,
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it is possible to know,
Jason, what your needs are
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going to be as an adult from the
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time you are 1, 2, 3 years old.
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That's amazing! I
want to find out. Okay!
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At the end of this segment,
we will have you take the test,
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and you'll be able to
find out exactly what you are.
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Now this is a
little scary for some
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because you
know what this means.
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This means that, like a
computer some of us, most of us,
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come front-loaded.
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In other words, from
the time you were born,
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you already have a personality
that is already determined
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prenatally.
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So now that's the scary
part, but the good thing is
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this can help you with dating.
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When you choose
someone, that person already has
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preprogrammed certain
things that they need from you.
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If you have no idea what
those needs are, guess what?
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You're not going
to supply them. Right
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You will end up with someone
that is very unhappy with you
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because you have no
idea what they need.
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So what the test
does is, it tells you...
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This is what I need
and this is what she needs.
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Is it a match? Do
I have what it takes
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to make her
happy for a lifetime?
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So science, and this is the
first time that this has been
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discovered - I mean, this is
5 years old - the science is.
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Prior to this, no one
had done anything like it,
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and we all felt that
personalities were developed
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completely during your teenage
years and your early childhood.
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Now we know, you have
a lot of it preprogrammed
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almost genetically
and definitely hormonally.
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That's huge, that
could save a lot of time
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and heartache. It can.
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How much would you say
is already preprogrammed
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because you're saying
that, prenatally, a lot of it is
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already there and then
it develops as we get older,
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but how much would you
say is there before we then...
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Well, we couldn't
assign a percentage,
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but we do know that in some
key areas like communication
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and intimacy -
those things are preset.
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Now, you can change
things slightly during your
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childhood years based on
how your parents raised you.
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But if you like communication,
there is very little
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that your parents
could do to change that.
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If you remember what
you were like as a child,
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some children grew up
and they are "yappers."
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You hear your parents talk
about them talking all the time.
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My mom complained
about me being a yapper.
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She said, "You
wouldn't shut up."
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And this is how
a lot of kids are.
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Well as it turns out,
the yappers turn out to be
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the kids who are communicators,
who need communication,
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and who give a
lot of communication.
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And there was nothing
that my parents could do to
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get me to shut up.
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It's just preprogrammed,
it's like hard-wiring.
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You know you have hard-wiring
and you have soft-wiring.
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Soft-wiring would be whatever
your parents might do to
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influence how you see the
world and how you see things.
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That's
soft-wiring because, you know,
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you can change your mind.
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But hard-wiring is
organic, it's in the brain,
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it's how you are
wired to think and to feel,
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and what you're wired to need.
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So something like this,
of course, is very helpful.
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This guy had no idea, when
he was doing his autism testing,
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he had no idea that
he was going to make
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this kind of contribution
to relationship science.
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So what about your parents,
were your parents the same way
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you are - I mean, do they talk
a lot, which one of your parents
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talks the most?
That's a good question!
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My mom is the talker,
she is the communicator.
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And I'll share the story
about my parents later on,
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but my dad was
not the communicator.
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His communication
scores were extremely low
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compared to my mom and
that's a good question, Jason,
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because they found
that it's very genetic.
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So if you have two
parents that were communicators,
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and also high in
their need for intimacy,
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then chances are that the
majority of their children
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would also be high in those
needs, so it's very genetic.
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I have one sibling and
he turned out like my dad;
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I turned out like my
mom and that basically,
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you know, is how genetics
work - that's a good question.
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So if you know that you want
a child that is very intimate,
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very affectionate,
then you might want to get
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a partner that is
also the same. Yeah
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You do a lot of
work with families,
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how do you see this
impacting what you do?
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How might you apply some
of this science to your work?
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Well it's
definitely interesting.
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When you were talking
earlier about, you know,
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getting somebody who
understands your needs,
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so many times
families and couples come in
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and they're like, "He
just doesn't understand me,
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or "She doesn't understand
me," and a lot of times
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it takes a lot of
work to get the person
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to themselves.
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So I think once the person
is able to know what their
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needs are, know how to
articulate those needs,
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then they can be with somebody
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who can articulate
those same needs with them.
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Okay, as you know,
this is called "XY Theory,"
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and X really means high
need and Y means low need.
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So, how might this
change your dating?
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Well, that question
is a question you guys
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will each other answer.
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When folks learn about
this theory, sometimes they want
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to just go on and
experiment and just think,
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"Well you know, I'm just
going to date like I always
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have been dating - I'm not
going to think about what I need
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and what the other person needs
because maybe we can change
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and meet in the middle."
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But for you guys, I
can tell you right now,
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if you look
back at how you date,
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you'd realize that
your personality in terms of
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your XY difference,
really affects how you date.
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For instance, I'll
give you an example...
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Guys that are
Y-types, they tend not to like
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women that are too chatty.
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If you were to go on a
first date with a Y-type guy,
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you would want to not disclose
too much of yourself to him.
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You know, there are a lot of
women who, on the first date,
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by the end of it anyway
- the guy knows EVERYTHING
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about the history.
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The guys knows where
they were born; the guy knows
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if they are the third or
fourth child; the guys knows
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the grandfather's name
and what he did and where he
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came from and if he came from
Africa or if he came from Asia,
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and they know everything
and they just spill everything
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out on the first date.
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If you were with a
guy who was a Y-type guy,
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he would be pretty
much turned off by that.
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At the end of the date,
he's going to feel like,
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you know, "Jamela, I know
you, I know everything I need
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to know about you - there's
nothing exciting about this."
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So if you were to date someone
like that, you would have to
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think to yourself,
"Okay, he's a bit of a Y-type,
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so let me withhold something."
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Mystery: Y-type guys love women
who are a tad bit mysterious.
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Now there's a scary
side to mystery, of course,
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because, you know, if someone
isn't talking about themselves,
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then maybe you're
going to find something out
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down the road that you couldn't
live with. Serial killer.
00:10:43.10\00:10:45.74
Well, I would not go
that far. Hopefully not.
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Hopefully not,
hopefully not. Laughter...
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But looking back,
looking back at how you date,
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can you see any times that
you might have used one approach
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or the other -
I mean any of you?
00:10:59.69\00:11:01.96
You guys have dated...
00:11:01.99\00:11:04.59
Well, I mean my whole issue is
with the bait and switch thing.
00:11:04.63\00:11:09.96
You know, you meet
somebody, they act one way,
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you know, they put on a front
so you're interested in them.
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You think you're
getting to know this person,
00:11:17.67\00:11:20.04
then months down the line,
the real person comes out. Right
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And you don't want to
deal with the real person,
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you know, you go
through that infatuation stage,
00:11:27.68\00:11:29.88
and then after that,
you're stuck with somebody else.
00:11:29.92\00:11:34.49
And I can explain that,
we had covered, previously,
00:11:34.52\00:11:37.69
about the difference
between the social personality
00:11:37.73\00:11:40.46
and the
relationship personality.
00:11:40.50\00:11:42.33
When you meet someone,
they are in a social setting,
00:11:42.36\00:11:47.20
so what you actually see
is their social personality.
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Almost any setting
that you would meet someone
00:11:51.31\00:11:53.01
and prior to
knowing them personally,
00:11:53.04\00:11:55.11
they are in a social setting.
00:11:55.14\00:11:56.48
So at church, folks are
smiling, they're friendly;
00:11:56.51\00:12:01.18
they want to get to know
you; they may shake your hand
00:12:01.22\00:12:05.72
or you go to work -
it's the same thing.
00:12:05.75\00:12:08.69
People are trying to be helpful
and you feel like you know them.
00:12:08.72\00:12:11.89
This is a social personality
and the social personality
00:12:11.93\00:12:14.30
has a job to do which is
to present you in the best
00:12:14.33\00:12:17.73
possible light to
accomplish your goals,
00:12:17.77\00:12:20.07
whatever those goals are.
00:12:20.10\00:12:22.07
If you're at work, your
goal is to not get fired.
00:12:22.10\00:12:24.74
Laughter... right? Right.
00:12:24.77\00:12:26.61
You want to do a good
job, so you are going to smile
00:12:26.64\00:12:29.58
with the boss even if
you don't agree with anything
00:12:29.61\00:12:32.08
that he's ever said and
you are going to play nice
00:12:32.11\00:12:36.52
with your coworkers
and your colleagues even if
00:12:36.55\00:12:38.99
deep down inside you
don't have any respect for them,
00:12:39.02\00:12:41.32
you're going to do
whatever you need to do...
00:12:41.36\00:12:43.22
And the reason why you're
able to do that is because
00:12:43.26\00:12:45.46
your social
personality makes it possible.
00:12:45.49\00:12:47.83
Well, you also date with that
personality and, unfortunately,
00:12:47.86\00:12:52.87
that personality is going
to make sure that the person
00:12:52.90\00:12:55.20
gets your interest, keeps your
interest and gets you to commit.
00:12:55.24\00:12:57.77
Before we go any
further, let me ask you guys...
00:12:58.57\00:13:01.34
So what is your
idea of a perfect match?
00:13:01.38\00:13:04.05
Any of you...
That's a hard question.
00:13:04.08\00:13:08.82
Just because society
gives us all these ideas about,
00:13:08.85\00:13:12.65
you know, there
should be romance;
00:13:12.69\00:13:14.76
there should be
intimacy; there should be...
00:13:14.79\00:13:17.53
you know - he
should buy you things;
00:13:17.59\00:13:19.16
take you out to
dinner, all that stuff.
00:13:19.19\00:13:22.43
I don't know, I mean
half that stuff is nice,
00:13:22.46\00:13:25.33
but for me, ideally, I
would just want someone I could
00:13:25.37\00:13:29.47
just sit at home
with, chill, relax,
00:13:29.50\00:13:33.01
who I can joke with... yeah.
00:13:33.04\00:13:38.01
Okay, I'm going to have
you take the personality test,
00:13:38.05\00:13:41.68
and we'll see how
well that matches up
00:13:41.72\00:13:44.32
with what you just said.
00:13:44.35\00:13:45.69
Does that sound like a
good idea? Yes. All right!
00:13:45.72\00:13:49.46
On this segment, my
guests are Pastor Kory Douglas
00:13:54.83\00:13:58.73
and his wife,
Kimberly and Jennifer.
00:13:58.77\00:14:01.60
May I call you
"Kory?" Oh that's fine.
00:14:01.64\00:14:04.37
How about we start
with some introductions.
00:14:04.41\00:14:06.07
Tell me a little bit
about yourself... Ladies first.
00:14:06.11\00:14:09.58
Okay. Hi, my name
is Jennifer Thompson,
00:14:09.61\00:14:12.45
and currently I am a nurse
working in the operating room.
00:14:12.48\00:14:17.05
I am also finishing
up a doctoral program
00:14:17.09\00:14:20.06
in naturopathic medicine.
00:14:20.09\00:14:21.82
When I'm not doing that, I teach
community health. All busy.
00:14:21.86\00:14:26.19
And I'm Kimberly
Douglas, I am an educator,
00:14:26.23\00:14:31.83
and I'm currently
working on a degree in
00:14:31.87\00:14:35.30
educational leadership. Okay
00:14:35.34\00:14:38.87
And I guess I'm
Pastor Douglas, Kory - KP,
00:14:38.91\00:14:42.34
whatever you want to call me.
00:14:42.38\00:14:44.05
I'm pastoring in
southeast Missouri and currently
00:14:44.08\00:14:46.51
working on a degree
myself as well. Very nice.
00:14:46.55\00:14:49.72
So what we'll do
today, let's start with
00:14:49.75\00:14:52.69
an overview of
XY theory since we
00:14:52.72\00:14:55.96
haven't talked about that yet.
00:14:55.99\00:14:58.69
Basically what we've found
is that we have personalities
00:14:58.73\00:15:02.10
from birth that determine
what we need in a relationship
00:15:02.13\00:15:07.64
which makes it really
easy because we can find
00:15:07.67\00:15:10.97
someone that is a
better match if we know what
00:15:11.01\00:15:14.51
they need from us and
whether or not we have
00:15:14.54\00:15:17.61
what it takes to
provide those needs.
00:15:17.65\00:15:19.78
Now you guys are
already married and that's good.
00:15:19.81\00:15:23.45
We're going to still give
you guys the personality test
00:15:23.49\00:15:25.89
so that you can find out
maybe for the first time,
00:15:25.92\00:15:28.56
Kimberly, what Kory
really needs in a relationship,
00:15:28.59\00:15:32.86
and Kory, you know,
you'll do the same. Um hm
00:15:32.89\00:15:35.06
I understand that your husband
was unable to make it. Yes
00:15:35.10\00:15:37.80
But you can do it for yourself
00:15:37.83\00:15:40.37
and you can
actually do one for him.
00:15:40.40\00:15:42.27
So we'll have you take
the test and the other test
00:15:42.30\00:15:44.21
is called, "The
Reluctant Partner Test."
00:15:44.24\00:15:46.17
The reason why we have
that is we have a lot of
00:15:46.21\00:15:48.14
husbands, not hers,
a lot of other husbands
00:15:48.18\00:15:51.65
who just refused
to take the test.
00:15:51.68\00:15:53.85
And, Kimberly, I see
that you're laughing,
00:15:53.88\00:15:56.18
we have a lot of wives too who
absolutely will not take a test.
00:15:56.22\00:16:00.29
So I had to create,
"The Reluctant Partner Test"
00:16:00.32\00:16:02.82
so that you can
take it for your partner
00:16:02.86\00:16:06.63
if he is resistant. Okay.
00:16:06.66\00:16:09.03
The way this works
is... If you found out what
00:16:09.06\00:16:12.63
you needed to do in a
relationship or you found out
00:16:12.67\00:16:15.50
what he needed
to do, your changes
00:16:15.54\00:16:18.24
affects the whole system. Okay
00:16:18.27\00:16:20.48
So if you're here
by yourself, it's okay,
00:16:20.51\00:16:23.71
you're here
together, even better.
00:16:23.75\00:16:26.35
So at the end of this segment,
I'll have you take that test
00:16:26.38\00:16:30.52
and you can report to
us the next time. Okay
00:16:30.55\00:16:35.19
So XY Theory - basically
we have two fundamental needs.
00:16:35.22\00:16:39.76
We have the need
for communication,
00:16:39.79\00:16:41.76
and we have the
need for intimacy.
00:16:41.80\00:16:43.50
Now we've always known
that, this is nothing new.
00:16:43.53\00:16:46.17
Anyone that you talk to,
an educator, a therapist,
00:16:46.20\00:16:48.64
anyone that you
talked to could tell you,
00:16:48.67\00:16:50.01
of course, you need to
communicate and you need to
00:16:50.04\00:16:52.27
show affection and care
for your significant other.
00:16:52.31\00:16:56.68
What they did not know
prior to five days of research
00:16:56.71\00:16:59.75
that we've done
is, it's not the type,
00:16:59.78\00:17:02.88
it's the amount of
communication you need,
00:17:02.92\00:17:05.52
and the amount of
intimacy you need.
00:17:05.55\00:17:08.62
Some people need a lot
and some people need a little.
00:17:08.66\00:17:11.76
We did some more research and
realized that it was tied into
00:17:11.79\00:17:15.16
one hormone called, "oxytocin,"
and there are dozens of
00:17:15.20\00:17:19.73
studies that were replicated
that found the same thing.
00:17:19.77\00:17:22.27
Even human
beings, among the mammals,
00:17:22.30\00:17:25.44
need oxytocin to bond.
00:17:25.47\00:17:28.24
If you found two people
who were not well-bonded,
00:17:28.28\00:17:31.41
and you drew their blood
and you tested for oxytocin,
00:17:31.45\00:17:35.32
you would find low
levels of oxytocin. Wow
00:17:35.35\00:17:39.22
So if you need a
lot of communication,
00:17:39.25\00:17:42.76
it means that when
Kory communicates with you,
00:17:42.79\00:17:45.79
your oxytocin level
flows and it goes a bit higher,
00:17:45.83\00:17:51.10
but there are other things that
would give that oxytocin flow.
00:17:51.13\00:17:54.00
If you are also someone
that needs a lot of intimacy
00:17:54.04\00:17:56.64
and affection, when Kory
provides that, it also flows.
00:17:56.67\00:18:00.38
Physical touch
produces even more oxytocin.
00:18:00.41\00:18:04.18
Now oxytocin is called by a
lot of scientists "the glue,"
00:18:04.21\00:18:08.02
or bonding glue.
00:18:08.05\00:18:09.58
Some scientists
call it "the love glue,"
00:18:09.62\00:18:12.15
but the point is - you
need it to be attached to the
00:18:12.19\00:18:16.29
person that you're with.
00:18:16.32\00:18:17.66
So today, what we are
going to take a look at...
00:18:17.69\00:18:20.40
not just what you need
to do to get that oxytocin
00:18:20.43\00:18:23.37
to be high, but the things that
couples often do that destroys
00:18:23.40\00:18:28.10
the oxytocin and that's
something that most people
00:18:28.14\00:18:31.67
do not pay attention to.
00:18:31.71\00:18:33.41
We're so busy focusing on,
"Okay, what do I need to do,
00:18:33.44\00:18:36.11
what do I need to do,"
that sometimes we forget about
00:18:36.14\00:18:38.11
what do I need to NOT do that's
00:18:38.15\00:18:40.98
going to
completely destroy this.
00:18:41.02\00:18:42.88
Okay? So let's talk about voice.
00:18:42.92\00:18:47.29
What we found is
the tone of your voice,
00:18:47.32\00:18:50.73
if it's
misinterpreted by your partner,
00:18:50.76\00:18:53.53
can actually cause them to
experience a drop in oxytocin,
00:18:53.56\00:18:58.73
and the
unfortunate thing is this...
00:18:58.77\00:19:00.44
There are some people
who have a very deep voice,
00:19:00.47\00:19:03.77
a gruff tone almost sounding
dictatorial or aggressive,
00:19:03.81\00:19:09.01
but they don't mean
anything by it. Right
00:19:09.04\00:19:11.21
This is who they are,
this is the voice they have.
00:19:11.35\00:19:13.78
Maybe they grew up in a
home where their dad was always
00:19:13.82\00:19:16.25
the gruff, grave,
serious type of guy and so they
00:19:16.28\00:19:20.36
patterned after
that role model...
00:19:20.39\00:19:22.99
But then the wife may have
grown up in a home where dad was
00:19:23.02\00:19:27.30
mellow and soft, so
when she doesn't get that
00:19:27.33\00:19:31.03
tone, her body reacts to it.
00:19:31.07\00:19:35.04
Now if her
husband didn't know that,
00:19:35.07\00:19:36.91
he would continue to
converse in his natural tone
00:19:36.94\00:19:39.47
rather than
bring his voice down,
00:19:39.51\00:19:41.78
rather than try to be
a little more sensitive
00:19:41.81\00:19:43.75
because her
need has been altered
00:19:43.78\00:19:46.75
by the home that
she was raised in.
00:19:46.78\00:19:49.55
So that's one.
00:19:49.58\00:19:50.92
We've also found
that criticism...
00:19:50.95\00:19:52.45
Criticism destroys
oxytocin quite a bit.
00:19:52.49\00:19:56.66
Whether it goes
from the man to the wife
00:19:56.69\00:19:59.46
or the wife to her
husband, it just destroys it.
00:19:59.49\00:20:02.73
So we have a lot of
folks who go in for therapy
00:20:02.76\00:20:06.17
and even within the
therapeutic setting,
00:20:06.20\00:20:09.50
they feel
comfortable to criticize
00:20:09.54\00:20:13.11
instead of just
relaying information.
00:20:13.14\00:20:15.38
You have to be so
careful how you say what you say
00:20:15.41\00:20:18.58
because you're
actually defeating the purpose
00:20:18.61\00:20:21.55
of the session if you
are going to sit there
00:20:21.58\00:20:24.42
and criticize your partner.
00:20:24.45\00:20:26.22
You're actually going to
cause them to be defensive.
00:20:26.25\00:20:28.99
You're going to drop
the oxytocin and you're
00:20:29.02\00:20:31.19
there to learn to
bond in a better way.
00:20:31.23\00:20:34.16
So criticism - Now there
are a lot of people who say,
00:20:34.20\00:20:36.16
"I don't criticize my husband,"
00:20:36.20\00:20:37.57
"I don't criticize my
wife," but guess what they do?
00:20:37.60\00:20:39.17
They complain a
lot... not much different.
00:20:39.20\00:20:43.57
Your brain doesn't
interpret that much differently.
00:20:43.61\00:20:47.31
If Kory were to complain a
lot about things that you do,
00:20:47.34\00:20:52.25
your brain does not interpret
this as, "Well Kory cares for me
00:20:52.28\00:20:55.95
and he's trying to
make me a better person."
00:20:55.98\00:20:58.32
Your brain interprets this
as, "I can't do anything right,"
00:20:58.35\00:21:01.76
and your
self-esteem is dropping.
00:21:01.79\00:21:05.29
And you're thinking, "I
must not be a good person,
00:21:05.33\00:21:09.03
I must not be a good
wife," or he wouldn't have
00:21:09.06\00:21:11.70
a thousand complaints.
00:21:11.73\00:21:13.13
That's how your brain does it.
00:21:13.17\00:21:15.10
But then there are some people
who say, "I don't criticize
00:21:15.14\00:21:17.17
and I don't complain and,
guess what? They overcorrect.
00:21:17.21\00:21:22.84
So we have some
spouses who cannot see anything
00:21:22.88\00:21:29.18
out of place -
everything has to be perfect,
00:21:29.22\00:21:33.19
and they're also
always correcting.
00:21:33.22\00:21:35.26
Now, they may be
correcting in a good voice,
00:21:35.29\00:21:37.76
in a nice tone, but if
someone is correcting you 24/7
00:21:37.79\00:21:41.90
at the end of the day, your
oxytocin levels have dropped,
00:21:41.93\00:21:45.50
and bonding cannot occur
with anyone whose oxytocin
00:21:45.53\00:21:50.77
levels are below a certain
point - so it's just destroyed.
00:21:50.81\00:21:55.54
And then, facial expressions...
00:21:55.58\00:21:57.15
And it sounds like there
are so many things you could do
00:21:57.18\00:21:59.68
to destroy oxytocin, but
there are also a lot of things
00:21:59.71\00:22:02.05
you can do to build it. Yeah
00:22:02.08\00:22:03.85
Facial expressions - apparently
what science is finding now
00:22:03.89\00:22:08.16
is that your brain - Kimberly
would read Kory's expression
00:22:08.19\00:22:12.73
much better than
you do consciously.
00:22:12.76\00:22:16.77
So Kory is coming to
want to say something to you,
00:22:16.80\00:22:20.74
and your brain is picking
up that this micro expression,
00:22:20.77\00:22:26.68
this little curl of his
lips means that he's about
00:22:26.71\00:22:31.08
to say something to
you that's negative.
00:22:31.11\00:22:33.38
Even if you didn't know it,
even if you didn't pick it up,
00:22:33.42\00:22:35.58
and your body goes
into self defense mode
00:22:35.62\00:22:37.69
immediately.
00:22:37.72\00:22:39.35
So there's no wonder that
so many couples cannot even
00:22:39.39\00:22:43.63
begin a dialog because every
words that falls out of their
00:22:43.66\00:22:47.10
mouth starts a conflagration.
00:22:47.13\00:22:49.36
Immediately an explosion because
the brain was doing its thing
00:22:49.40\00:22:54.34
very, very unconsciously
to, what you were aware of.
00:22:54.37\00:22:58.81
So facial expressions
have to be carefully monitored.
00:22:58.84\00:23:02.21
If I were to say something
to a significant other,
00:23:02.24\00:23:04.75
I would want to think
about what I was going to say
00:23:04.78\00:23:07.65
ahead of time and monitor my
facial expressions so that my
00:23:07.68\00:23:11.42
face doesn't give away
what I would like to keep hidden
00:23:11.45\00:23:15.39
until we get into
the meat of the argument
00:23:15.42\00:23:17.63
or the meat of the discussion.
00:23:17.66\00:23:19.33
So facial expressions
have to be monitored.
00:23:19.36\00:23:21.93
And then, of
course, a dictatorship...
00:23:21.96\00:23:25.50
Some families are
run like a dictatorship
00:23:25.53\00:23:28.47
where one person
has all the power.
00:23:28.50\00:23:32.27
And what we found
is... when one person has
00:23:32.31\00:23:34.68
all the power, and the other
person is not okay with it,
00:23:34.71\00:23:38.71
oxytocin levels drop and I
mean power in the relationship.
00:23:38.75\00:23:44.49
Most relationships
are not well-balanced.
00:23:44.52\00:23:48.92
There's usually someone giving
more, calling the shots more,
00:23:48.96\00:23:55.66
saying how things
should be run more and we've
00:23:55.70\00:23:59.97
discovered that some
individuals are okay with it.
00:24:00.00\00:24:02.87
It's important that you find out
if your partner is okay with it.
00:24:03.44\00:24:06.41
I have met couples and
I've met individuals who came
00:24:06.44\00:24:09.51
to me and it sounded to
me like a total dictatorship
00:24:09.54\00:24:14.02
when they described
what was going on at home
00:24:14.05\00:24:16.05
and the husband said,
"Oh no, I'm fine, I'm fine,
00:24:16.08\00:24:19.25
happy wife, happy
life, I'm good!" Laughter
00:24:19.29\00:24:22.62
And I said, "Okay, you guys
are good, see you next week."
00:24:22.66\00:24:26.09
So it's not just
the dictatorship,
00:24:26.13\00:24:28.06
but it's how the couple
interpret that dictatorship
00:24:28.10\00:24:31.80
because some people
actually like to have someone
00:24:31.83\00:24:34.84
with that amount of control.
00:24:34.87\00:24:36.71
This is something that we
discovered and it was a little
00:24:36.74\00:24:38.51
surprising, but
some people like it.
00:24:38.54\00:24:42.31
If you, however, do not like
it, your body is going to react
00:24:42.34\00:24:46.41
and oxytocin levels will
drop, and some people tend to
00:24:46.45\00:24:51.99
seek outside folks who
treat them with more respect.
00:24:52.02\00:24:56.29
And it doesn't mean that
there's anything inappropriate
00:24:56.32\00:25:00.10
happening if
they are just forming
00:25:00.13\00:25:01.73
an emotional bond
with someone else.
00:25:01.76\00:25:03.30
The last thing I
wanted to share with you is...
00:25:03.33\00:25:06.87
Positives versus negatives...
00:25:06.90\00:25:09.47
The science is showing
that you must be five times more
00:25:09.50\00:25:13.14
positive when you
communicate with your partner.
00:25:13.17\00:25:16.98
If the ratio is 5:1,
then the oxytocin is okay.
00:25:17.01\00:25:24.12
The more you approach
to 1:1 ratio where you are
00:25:24.15\00:25:27.32
as positive as you are negative,
the oxytocin has dropped
00:25:27.36\00:25:31.16
precipitously to
some dangerous level.
00:25:31.19\00:25:34.16
When you get to 1:1, the
scientists are telling us
00:25:34.20\00:25:36.50
that that is a predictor of a
possible separation and divorce.
00:25:36.53\00:25:41.20
So, the next time I'm
going to meet with you,
00:25:41.24\00:25:46.14
you will have results of
your tests and you will be able
00:25:46.17\00:25:48.58
to see exactly what
needs you have and how that's
00:25:48.61\00:25:51.28
affected by
oxytocin. Okay. Sounds good.
00:25:51.31\00:25:53.55
Thank you.
00:25:53.58\00:25:54.92
Today we learned about
the importance of using
00:25:58.65\00:26:01.12
positive words and
actions at all times,
00:26:01.16\00:26:03.63
but the Bible also has something
00:26:03.66\00:26:05.36
very interesting
to say about this.
00:26:05.39\00:26:07.00
1 John 3:18 says,
"Dear children, Let us not
00:26:07.03\00:26:11.30
love with words or speech,
but with actions and in truth."
00:26:11.33\00:26:15.34
It's clear that our God of love
is interested in acts of love
00:26:15.37\00:26:18.97
that match words of
love, but we just learned
00:26:19.01\00:26:22.14
that as fractured
fallen human beings,
00:26:22.18\00:26:24.48
we really match our loving
words with our acts of love.
00:26:24.51\00:26:28.85
What's more,
different personality types
00:26:28.88\00:26:31.65
induce us to pay more
attention and assign more
00:26:31.69\00:26:34.99
importance to
one over the other.
00:26:35.02\00:26:37.33
Y- type personalities
value actions to determine
00:26:37.36\00:26:40.60
how our partner feels...
00:26:40.63\00:26:41.96
Prefers actions over
words to communicate,
00:26:42.00\00:26:46.07
but often does not
use intimate acts such as
00:26:46.10\00:26:50.67
handholding, hugs or romance
to communicate their love.
00:26:50.71\00:26:54.51
X- types can use both
and both produce oxytocin
00:26:55.24\00:27:00.35
the hormone needed
for bonding and closeness.
00:27:00.38\00:27:04.25
But the focus of this
segment is on communication
00:27:04.29\00:27:07.62
both actions and words
that actually destroy oxytocin.
00:27:07.66\00:27:12.19
In an age that values straight
talk and rugged honesty,
00:27:12.23\00:27:15.60
many mistake
rudeness for bluntness.
00:27:15.63\00:27:18.83
Gentleness is still one
of the fruits of the spirit.
00:27:18.87\00:27:22.77
And the spirit-filled
child of God is admonished
00:27:22.80\00:27:25.17
in Philippians 4:5 to let your
gentleness be evident to all,
00:27:25.21\00:27:30.35
and in 1 Peter 3:15 to be
prepared to give an answer
00:27:30.38\00:27:34.32
to everyone who
asks, but to do it
00:27:34.35\00:27:37.29
with gentleness and respect.
00:27:37.32\00:27:39.75
Interestingly, current
research shows not only does
00:27:39.79\00:27:44.26
a kind answer turn away wrath,
but lowers your cortisol levels
00:27:44.29\00:27:48.80
of anxiety and allows for
the flow of oxytocin without
00:27:48.83\00:27:53.44
which a lifetime of monogamous
love would be vastly impaired.
00:27:53.47\00:27:58.24
Join us next time
on "Road to Romance"
00:27:58.27\00:28:01.91